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I'm on the edge of a potential break up as we speak. I think this pretty much sums up my mood. I've been with her nearly three years, but we just can't seem to communicate. I'm not a tool. Historically I've been the nice guy who gets "feth"ed. Without droning on, when is it time to give up and when is it worth it to keep fighting for what you know could be a really awesome thing?

Clean break to start with.

Longer you leave it, the more damage you'll do. Break up cleanly before resentment sets in, and there is still a chance you can go backwards should you have a change of heart.

Not a lot of detail here, ok er none, so don't know if its worth fighting for. No children involved right?

No kids, no living together, I'm still a young 'un at 23 with a bright happy future ahead of me (or so those bastards imply). There are complications, but I wouldn't know where to stop listing them so I figured general advice would be more practical.

I'm with MDG - bring it up in no uncertain terms. Nothing worse than just "avoiding" the issue and putting it off.

Oh, and for feths sake....dump her BEFORE you find someone else catching your eye. That's an unnecessary level of mess that....

Little info and these are always tricky and unique situations and I don't feel should ever be distilled down to "Fortune Cookie" type sayings but for me it has been always a matter of answering yes to these questions...



Are you happier with this person than alone? (Not afraid to be alone, which many young people are, but genuinely happier together than alone)

Are you being honest with yourself (and significant other) regarding want you want(ed), what you are willing to give and what you're getting out of this relationship? (Is this a negative or positive influence for you and is your place within it where you want to be?)

Do you actually like this person? (Not love, not hot for, not great sex. Like, genuine like, as in, do you two 'get' each other and enjoy most of your time together and does she accept you, more or less, for who you are and vice versa)



This is what it usually boils down to for me. Good luck.


->edit<- I will add that people change SO much in their twenties. I was married at twenty and divorced (and did not want it at the time) at twenty-six. It was mostly amicable and (and still to this day) we are such fundamentally different people I cannot imagine having stayed married. In retrospect, she did the right thing.

Excellent point, MDG. I have and will never cheat on anyone, but one thing that still plagues me a little is the urge to go out and explore the world more. I've also explored the world enough to know how happy I am when it's stable and worthwhile. Like 65/35, in stability's favor. I just didn't want that to be the reason it happens or to influence it at all. I'm so freaking blue right now, I need to make a decision and I'm 75% of the way there.

Youre not speaking? Not connecting? You need to have the talk. make sure that there isn't something that could be sorted. I know not communicating is a biggie but there could be reasons why, you don't say so its tough to judge.

Make sure everything is out in the open.

It's not easy, never is, but better to talk now than shout later.

It seems like whenever we talk she gets frustrated if I get the slightest bit annoyed. My entire life, since I'm the nice guy the vast majority of the time (and genuinely, I'm not bottling anything up or faking it), when I get angry or say something snappy, it's a huge shock and it's the equivalent of murdering someone's children. Sorry if I sound like I'm whining, I'm just sorting it out in my head. I really do need to talk to her.

Cannerus_The_Unbearable wrote:It seems like whenever we talk she gets frustrated if I get the slightest bit annoyed. My entire life, since I'm the nice guy the vast majority of the time (and genuinely, I'm not bottling anything up or faking it), when I get angry or say something snappy, it's a huge shock and it's the equivalent of murdering someone's children. Sorry if I sound like I'm whining, I'm just sorting it out in my head. I really do need to talk to her.

nice guy, the kiss of death. be yourself in all phases. If that turns her off then she's done.

Remember the immortal Bard, just be yourself (unless you're Ted Bundy of course).

the thing to ask is do 'YOU' want the relationship? ask yourself if you do or dont, if the answer is yes, seek partner counciling, you have no idea how much it helps when you have a referee that isnt bias.

Ha, Ted Bundy. You made me crack a smile. I wish people could just be honest. Even beyond that, not sensationalize things. I get that people have feelings, and I do my best to account for them, but if I say one thing and mean the exact same thing I said, but she hears something entirely different, what the hell is the point of talking? Repeat the process over 1,000 times and neither of us is very happy. I'm going to talk to her this evening and we'll see from there, thanks everyone. On the chance that we break it off, exactly how damaging is a rebound fling? Would it permanently scar me, throwing me into a spiral of unhappy, unsuccesful relationships, or just let me blow off some steam? I've always been "responsible" about my relationships so I wouldn't know.

Edit @hawkins: We've gone to see her therapist before. I feel like I get everything the therapist is saying and ask for every critique I can get, but I feel like everything directed towards her is sugar coated. I get that I, as a male, will have to sacrifice a little more than my partner, but there has to be a reasonable line there.

Cannerus_The_Unbearable wrote:It seems like whenever we talk she gets frustrated if I get the slightest bit annoyed. My entire life, since I'm the nice guy the vast majority of the time (and genuinely, I'm not bottling anything up or faking it), when I get angry or say something snappy, it's a huge shock and it's the equivalent of murdering someone's children. Sorry if I sound like I'm whining, I'm just sorting it out in my head. I really do need to talk to her.

My first thought upon reading this... It is a control issue with her. Of course I can't possibly know the particulars but that was my first thought. Only you can see it.


Automatically Appended Next Post:

Cannerus_The_Unbearable wrote:...exactly how damaging is a rebound fling? Would it permanently scar me, throwing me into a spiral of unhappy, unsuccesful relationships, or just let me blow off some steam?

Have you seen Dexter, Season 2, the character Lila? Yeah, she was essentially my post divorce rebound thing with the exception of murder, but fire was included. Yeah, I am a bit gun shy regarding rebound things so I may not be the best to ask but I will say, yes they can scar you (and scare you).

Cannerus_The_Unbearable wrote:Ha, Ted Bundy. You made me crack a smile. I wish people could just be honest. Even beyond that, not sensationalize things. I get that people have feelings, and I do my best to account for them, but if I say one thing and mean the exact same thing I said, but she hears something entirely different, what the hell is the point of talking? Repeat the process over 1,000 times and neither of us is very happy. I'm going to talk to her this evening and we'll see from there, thanks everyone. On the chance that we break it off, exactly how damaging is a rebound fling? Would it permanently scar me, throwing me into a spiral of unhappy, unsuccesful relationships, or just let me blow off some steam? I've always been "responsible" about my relationships so I wouldn't know.

Edit @hawkins: We've gone to see her therapist before. I feel like I get everything the therapist is saying and ask for every critique I can get, but I feel like everything directed towards her is sugar coated. I get that I, as a male, will have to sacrifice a little more than my partner, but there has to be a reasonable line there.

You say her theripist? as in a psycoligist? a relationship councilor and a shrik are way way different things. i guess the next thing is does she say she wants the relationship as much as you do?

Cannerus_The_Unbearable wrote:Ha, Ted Bundy. You made me crack a smile. I wish people could just be honest. Even beyond that, not sensationalize things. I get that people have feelings, and I do my best to account for them, but if I say one thing and mean the exact same thing I said, but she hears something entirely different, what the hell is the point of talking?

You do know you've described like 95% of all women right?
Thats why old married men are usually quiet. We let them talk, preserving our important remaining braincells for daydreaming about INSERT HOBBY/CAR/BIKE/SPORT here. All that talky talky stuff gets old about year five.

DEAR BREAKING UP,

The fact that you are posting this question on a war-gaming forum instead of talking with your partner about the issues/concerns/problems sounds to me as if this relationship has already come to its end.

Communication is the key to such relationships. You need to be able to discuss openly anything and everything with the partner of your choice. If you both cannot do this, the relationship will eventually die a horrible and messy death. The longer it lingers, the messier it will get.

If telling each other the truth about your individual feelings, desires and thoughts destroys the relationship, then both of you will be better off the sooner it ends.

When both parties are playing by the same rules, it is pure gold. "Falling in love" is like catching a cold; you will eventually get over it. Loving someone is something you actively do and continue to do over time. It is sometimes a difficult task, but ultimately a very rewarding one.

SINCERELY,
PAPA NURGLE

Cannerus_The_Unbearable wrote:I get that I, as a male, will have to sacrifice a little more than my partner,

Eh? Is your relationship some sort of lumberjack contest or something?


Seriously, I think you've gotta make a choice here. Either the communication thing needs to get fixed, or you're going to have to break up with her. Women don't always communicate in quite the same way as men do, but that's no excuse for not trying to find common ground.

If you don't think she's making an attempt at coming half way, I think you're going to have to end it. If she is, and you're not, you need to start (obviously). If you think you're both trying, but not succeeding, than maybe you should put more effort into talking things out, possibly getting a third party (not even a therapist, just someone who's judgement you trust) to try and mediate.

You can't just write a lack of effort on her part off as the nature of her being a woman, though; people aren't very likely to meet standards that aren't expected of them.

what Orkeosaurus said.

You need common ground and understanding. If one of you isn't pulling their weight then its time to move on.

Good luck.

@Utan: There are old, married people on said forum. They are no less qualified by their hobbies for general advice. Letter from Nurgle is a nice touch. I'm half just trying to sort it out still, and the input is nice.

@Orkeo: Interesting point.

Men age better than women, and can have children far later in life. The number one thing women find attractive is social status, and that also tends to do up through life for men.

So... yeah.

Dump her. You're too young to be putting up with BS.