Police officer attacked with an "offensive weapon"?

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**squilverine**

This made me giggle so I thought that I would share

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/scotland/north_east/8570398.stm

Anyone else been attacked with something...... unusual?

**J.Black**

When i was working as a cashier in a manchester club, i once refused entry to a young girl who was far too drunk to come in and, in any case, had no ID. Sadly for me, it was on valentines day and she was supposed to meet her boyfriend inside the venue. I pointed out that there was no way i was going to go looking through 300+ sweaty people for someone i didn't know just because she was a daft cow and told her to give him a ring. She tried a couple of times but he clearly wasn't picking up, after a few angry words in my direction concerning my cleanliness and my parentage she grabs the nearest thing to her and tries to hit me with it. Her choice? A bunch of sodding flowers. I took a glancing blow to the head before she ran off, leaving me with a light dusting of petals and a pleasing floral scent

**Kilkrazy**

My wife has thrown plates at me but that is fairly normal I think.

**VikingScott**

Okay thats plain funny.
She had to take "evasive action"!!!
lol

**Dragonchef**

Bwahahahahah, me and my wife just read that and she was like...WTF? im sitting here not being able to breath i was laugh so hard because i couldn't stop laughing at the mental image it conjured

**aka_tizz**

LOL. Next one i would like to see is a police officer forced to take...hm..."evasive action" from a butt moving his/her way

.

No no, actually i would like to see the police officer NOT taking evasive action from said butt

**Lord-Loss**

It's the perfect crime!

**Wrexasaur**

The mechanics of this crime seem next to impossible.

On the head... a 'strike' to... with his penis...

Think about it... The guy honestly sounds like some sort of kung-fu master, seeing as he can use his 'appendage' in such an offensive maneuver. How is this possible? As well as being an engineer, this guy is clearly a master of drunken penis karate.

Fiscal depute Elaine Lynch said: "The accused got to his feet and was standing over the police officer...

How tall is this man? Waist height to an average persons head, would make this guy roughly 8 feet tall.

**IG_urban**

I agree Wrex, the only way I can see it being possible, is if she was sitting on a chair or sofa near him trying to talk to him, and he stands up and exposes his fleshy baguette and attempts to mushroom stamp her forehead.

**Jimi Nemesis**

"...and then, 'atchet 'arry grabs the nearest thing at 'and, which just so 'appens to be a fifteen inch, black rubber c**k, and proceeds to beat poor _______ to deff wiv it."

E Cookie for the reference.

I can't remember the dudes name though...

**Tyyr**

Too bad she didn't have a tazer.

**Albatross**

Or Mace.

Burny!

**J.Black**

^^
Thanks Alba. You've just made me laugh and spill hot tea into my lap :S Ironically approximating the effects of your statement.

**Cheesepie**

Wow he must have saw her coming in and leaped 2 stories from his couch trying to
square in his penis onto her face

That takes some real balls

whats next flying moobs?

**Marshal2Crusaders**

What a shame, he quit binge drinking.

I saw a kid on my football team get 'slapped' like that while he was asleep. It was hilarious.

**JohnHwangDD**

@Alba: I'm thinking that pepper spray would work just fine on a guy with no pants...

**Pipboy101**

When I was cop I had a drunk naked guy waving his junk at us. When he turned around to show his dirtstar at us I just sprayed him right on chocolate colored starfish. Lets just say that he was scooting his butt across the wet grass like a dog with worms.

**Wrexasaur**

Pipboy101 wrote:When he turned around to show his dirtstar at us I just sprayed him right on chocolate colored starfish.

Wait... what? That would pass for a crazy swear filter if I didn't check your quote.

Right on, chocolate colored Starfish!

NSFW...

**Norwulf**

ROFL! I can't believe this is real. WTF? This guy must have been pretty well endowed to use that as a weapon. I'm surprised the cop didnt just pop him in the junk with her beatstick. Crazy, crazy world we live in.

**JohnHwangDD**

Or, if he's got a teeny tool, it's what gave her time and distance to easily avoid being assaulted.

**DarkAngelsRK**

"No, NO! Don't put it up my [i]nose[i*] for God sake, you bloody drunk!" This made me laugh.

**KingCracker**

Jimi Nemesis wrote:"...and then, 'atchet 'arry grabs the nearest thing at 'and, which just so 'appens to be a fifteen inch, black rubber c**k, and proceeds to beat poor _______ to deff wiv it."

E Cookie for the reference.

I can't remember the dudes name though...

Lock stock and two smokin barrels. Ka ching

**Jimi Nemesis**

I was wondering when someone would reply to that! Thank you KingCracker!

Best movie ever...

**LunaHound**

Kilkrazy wrote:My wife has thrown plates at me but that is fairly normal I think.

Plates are really painful , i have had times where it landed infront of me , shattered ,
and atleast 20 pieces went right into my feet

**Nofasse 'Eadhunta**

Drunk guy's Penis does 1d6 Disturbance damage and has a threat range of .003 squares. The attack roll may be made against the target's Reflex or Will defense (no amount of armor can stop a penis). This power automatically recharges after the user gets out of prison.

**dietrich**

Kilkrazy wrote:My wife has thrown plates at me but that is fairly normal I think.

Oh, man, I'd die if she threw a plate at me. Those will break. The frying pans she's usually throwing at me don't break and leave a mark!

Back to the subject at hand. I had a friend in college, who had 3 roommates. One of the roommates was commenting that his most recent girlfriend stopped talking to him. When asked why, the roomie responded, 'She got mad because I slapped her across the cheeks with my penis.' and the roomie seemed shocked that this bothered her.

**Major Malfunction**

What a dick move. I mean really... that guy's a real prick. A complete tool.

**CrazyThang**

Thank you dakka, once again you have brightened up a boring day at work.