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i thought this might be an opportunity to share some jokes

what to you call a lascannon with a laser sight?

You mean lasgun, right?

doesn't matter

a dreadnought and a scout sentinel are on patrol
the guy in the sentinel turns to the dreadnought and says "geez, it feels like i'm walking around in a coffin." the dreadnought looks at the sentinel and says "screw you"

Yay joke time!

What does Khorne send in the mail?

The emporer may be able to walk on water but sly marbo can swim through land.

So a Space Marine Commander, a Canoness, and a Lord Commissar are sitting in a bar, and they are discussing who's troops are the bravest. "Mine are the bravest" The commander said, and to prove it he order one of his Marines to jump off a 30 foot building. Five minutes later, the marine returns, his armor crushed in, missing a shoulder plate, and his arm broken. "Mine are the bravest" The Canoness said, and then orders a Sister to jump off a 50 foot building. 10 minute later, she returns a bloody mess, barely breathing, and being dragged in by another Sister. The commissar then turns to a guardsman and says "You, jump off a 100 foot building". The guardsman looks at the commissar with terror, and yells "&#@% NO, sir!" The Commissar looks to the Commander and Canoness and says "That's real bravery"

What's the difference between a pretty marine and a blood angel?







Not much, really.

Sly marbo,An ork and a khorne beserker are sitting by a campfire. They each said they were the bravest.
The ork said "I iz the bravest. I charged an etier company of space marines.
The berserker said. "I am. I charged a titan bear handed and ate my way to the head"
Marbo said "that is nothing" While he is stiring the fires coals with his penis.

CSM:Knock, knock

SM:Who's there?

CSM:Boo

SM:Boo who?

CSM:STOP CRYING YOU LACKY OF THE GOLDEN THRONE!!!!!!!HAHAHAHAHHAHAHA!!!


Automatically Appended Next Post:
The Orks are entrenched in fortificatrions on a battlefield when they here some shouting from the enemy trenches.

"One Space Marine is worth 10 Orks" So the orks cant let their 'good' name be slandered so the Boss sends ten orks to run to the enemy trench shouting "ere we go". After a couple of minutes the orks here a voice shout " One Space Marine is worth 50 orks". So the Boss sends fifty orks charging towards the enemy trenches. Ten minutes later a voice shouts " One Space marine is worth 100 Orks". So 100 orks charge into the enemy trench on the Boss's orders. 15 minutes later a solitary ork returns and reports to the Boss that " They cheated boss, there was two of um!".

Why did the Ork go to the party?

Because he was a Fun-guy.

NoToTheMan wrote:doesn't matter

I think you missed the point of the joke - lasgun+laser sight = twin-linked because the laser sight is as powerful as the lasgun. It just doesn't work with a lascannon.

Ahhhh I love these threads always find something new...
An Inquisitor has decided he needs a night out, so he invites a techpriest and space marine he's friends with and they commandeer an Imperial Guard chimera to take them around.

They get to the bar and enjoy themselves, before the Inquisitor suddenly goes quiet. The Space Marine asks what's wrong and the Inquisitor says "That Guardsman in the corner keeps looking at us. He may be a heretic". Worried that the Inquisitor is taking his work too seriously the Techpriest suggests they go to another bar, and so they do. They drive across and enjoy themselves, but this time it's only a few minutes before the inquisitor goes quiet. "It's the same fething Guardsman. He's probably a heretic sent to kill me." They look over, and sure enough the same guardsman. The Techpriest is worried but still recommends they go to one last bar. So they head over and they haven't even gotten their first drinks when the guardsman walks in the front door. Within a second the Inquisitor has jumped on the guardsman and is punching him in the face.
"WHO SENT YOU!? WHY THE FETH ARE YOU HERE!? WHO THE FETH ARE YOU!?" screams the inquisitor.
"Your Chimera driver" replies the Guardsman.

In before the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike.


A Space Marine commander strode into battle in full regalia wearing a splendid cape, a ceremonial dagger and bearing 2 bolters (just in case). His men were slain, his Rhinos destroyed, and he was left alone against the enemy. His reinforcement got just close enough to hear the last of his shots. Then he stumbled back to them, trailing cracked bits of ceramite and clinking with bolter shells caught in his armor.

One of the men asked what happened?

In reply, the commander drew the blunted and shattered remains of the dagger. "This saved my life the first time."
He then went down the line, explaining how his bolters had slain swathes of the enemies, and his armor had stopped hundreds of rounds, Before he was forced into hand to hand. Finally, he pulled out a torn and ripped scrap of cloth, about as thick as the palm of his hand. It was the same color as his majestic cape.

"This is what I used to strangle the last of them. It is my narrow ex-cape."

NoToTheMan wrote:doesn't matter

a dreadnought and a scout sentinel are on patrol
the guy in the sentinel turns to the dreadnought and says "geez, it feels like i'm walking around in a coffin." the dreadnought looks at the sentinel and says "screw you"

It does matter... since the idea is that the laser sight is as powerful as the lasgun (flashlight)... a lascannon is significantly more powerful than a laser pointer

My siggy is a joke... I tried to do myself... prolly sucks

You asked for it.

There once was a Black and White Space Marine on a Black and White bike, and being the hero type person he was, wanted to marry the Chapter Master's daughter.

So he went up to the palace and the guard naturally enquired "Who goes there?", to which he replied "I'm the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike and I want to marry the commander's daughter".

"Not *the* Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike?" asked the guard, with a not unconsiderable amount of awe in his voice.

"Yes, I'm *the* Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike."

"OK, pass."

So the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike proceeded up to the commander's chamber.

"Who goes there?" Asked the commander.

"I'm the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike and I want to marry your daughter," replied the Black and White Space Marine.

"Not *the* Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike?"

"Yes, *the* Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike."

"OK, if you complete three tasks, you may take my daughter's hand in marriage."

The commander told the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike. "Your first task is to slay the dragon on Xylon III."

On his way out the guard once again asked "Who goes there?", to which he replied
"I'm the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike and I want to marry the commander's daughter."

"Not *the* Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike?"

"Yes, *the* Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike."

"OK, pass."

The Black and White Space Marine then proceeded with ease to kill the dragon and six months later returned with the head of the foul beast.

On his way into the palace the guard enquired "who goes there?", to which he replied
"I'm the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike and I want to marry the commander's daughter".

"Not *the* Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike?"

"Yes, *the* Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike."

"OK, pass"

So the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike proceeded up to the commander's chamber.

"Who goes there?" Asked the commander.

"I'm the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike and I want to marry your daughter" Replied the Black and White Space Marine.

"Not *the* Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike?"

"Yes,*the* Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike."

"OK, if you complete three tasks, you may take my daughter's hand in marriage" The commander told the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike. "Your second task is to climb the highest peak on Desgrus Beta".

On his way out the guard once again asked "Who goes there"?", to which he replied
"I'm the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike and I want to marry the commander's daughter".

"Not *the* Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike?"

"Yes, *the* Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike."

"OK, pass."

The Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike easily climbed the mountain and returned 4 years later.

On his way into the palace the guard enquired "who goes there?", to which he replied
"I'm the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike and I want to marry the commander's daughter".

"Not *the* Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike?"

"Yes, *the* Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike."

"OK, pass."
So the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike proceeded up to the commander's chamber.

"Who goes there?" Asked the commander.

"I'm the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike and I want to marry your daughter" Replied the Black and White Space Marine.

"Not *the* Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike?"

"Yes, *the* Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike.

"OK, if you complete three tasks, you may take my daughter's hand in marriage" The commander told the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike. "Your third and final task is to swim across the acid lake outside the palace".

On his way out the guard once again asked "Who goes there"?", to which he replied
"I'm the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike and I want to marry the commander's daughter".

"Not *the* Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike?"

"Yes, *the* Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike."

"OK, pass."

Once again the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike easily completed his task and returned to the palace for the final time.
On his way into the palace the guard enquired "who goes there?", to which he replied
"I'm the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike and I want to marry the commander's daughter".

"Not *the* Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike?"

"Yes, *the* Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike."

"OK, pass."
So the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike proceeded up to the commander's chamber.

"Who goes there?" Asked the commander.

"I'm the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike and I want to marry your daughter" Replied the Black and White Space Marine.

"Not *the* Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike?"

"Yes, *the* Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike, can I marry your daughter now?"

"Sure."

Cheese Elemental wrote: Black and White Bike joke

NOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooo........


What is an important part of a balanced breakfast for a Chaos Space Marine?

Khorne Flakes.

Cheese you do that every time..



And no one reads it.

why did the chicken cross the road,

why?

to leave the games workshop and their unbelievable price rise!

my girl friend looks like ku'gath

So Karn and Arhiman are talking.


Karn: MAIMKILLBURNMAIMKILLBURNMAIMKILLBURNMAIMKILLBURN.....

Arhiman: Dude, you need to get a grip!

Karn: GET A GRIP? Why? Blood for the Blood God is the best thing in the world.

Arhiman: Tzeench is far better. knowledge is power, and blood is just so uncouth. grow some manners.

Karn: MANNERS! MANNERS? you're a Dirtbag!

Arhiman: DIRTBAG?

Karn: Yes, DIRTBAG. you and all your brothers are DIRTBAGS. why if it wasn't for the fact you don't bleed i would kill you now.

So anyhoo, here's a modded joke:

A Cardinal of the Ecclesiarchy dies and goes to wait for the final battle with the God-Emperor when a Saint approaches him. He tells the Cardinal that he is to be taken to reside in a home befitting his service in life. When they arrive they see a one room shack with no glass in the windows and the door is hanging on one hinge.

Before the man can voice his complaint a Guard chimera zooms by nearly hitting both the Cardinal and the Saint. They watch as it pulls up to a wonderous home with intricate carvings, glittering iconography and an impressive defense network.

Even more furious, the Cardinal exclaims "This is unacceptable!! In life I served for many years and rose to a prominent position! I dined with planetary governors and killed many of the Emperors' enemies and yet...and yet some GUARDSMAN lives in better accomadations than I?!"

"Well, you see" began the Saint "You see when you preached of the Glories of His Imperium you put people to sleep. But when that man transported his fellow guard to battle, they PRAYED!"

The Imperial Garrison is being overrun by Tyranids, and the last four out are the Commissars who were overseeing the retreat. However, there's no room left on the transport, so they all have to cling to the outside of a land speeder for dear life.

On the way out, the speeder takes a hit and starts losing power. They toss out their weapons, their greatcoats, everything, but it soon becomes obvious the skimmer is about to crash into the middle of Tyranid-infested territory if something isn't done.

The first Commissar says, "I've served the Emperor for ten years, and I've killed over a hundred heretics in his name! I should stay!"

The second Commissar says, "I have a wife and child waiting for me back home. The Emperor would never let me abandon them! I should stay!"

The third Commissar says, "My men are waiting for me at the front, if I'm not there to rally them, they will fall! It is best for the Imperium if I stay!"

The fourth is COMMISSAR CIAPHAS CAIN, HERO OF THE IMPERIUM, who tells the younger Commissars, "Well. . . I've lived a good long life in the service of the Emperor. I've served among his guardsmen. I've defended Perlia for Him. . . twice. I've taught youngsters like you how to serve Him best. I can't think of anything more I can do in his service. It is time for younger blood to take his place. So I'll let go and make my way back on foot. . . Emperor willing, he will keep me safe. If not, I trust you three to finish my work for me."

Upon hearing this, the three other Commissars are so moved that they give him a round of applause, letting go of the Landspeeder and falling off in the process.

Two Carnifexes are eating a Harliquen, one stops and looks over at the other and asks "Does this taste funny to you?"

Two Necrons are in a bar. Their tab had just about run up and it was getting to closing. The barkeep collected the rest of the patrons tabs and walked over to the Necrons.
"Ok, closing time. Are you guys going to pay?" Both Necrons look up at him then suddenly power down and phase out. He scoffs and pulls out his calender, marking that day with an X as was the rest of the month filled in. Putting it back he picks up a glass and grumbles. "They'll be back."

What is the worst part of dating Harlequins?
They Kiss on the first date.

What do you call an ork on fire?
A Flash Git

Shamelessly stolen from another of these threads, I blame Cheese Elemental

Bravo, kirsanth!

Four warriors are playing cards one night; an Ork Warboss, an Eldar Farseer, a Chaos Champion and an Imperial Commander. They get to talking about how great their factions are and eventually decide whoever has the best icon on their side won't have to ante up.

Ork Warboss: We's got da biggest an' Orkiest wall that no armie has EVER breached and it's lasted many Waughs.

Chaos Champion: BAH! A wall?!

Farseer: Indeed, that crude thing would not stop any. However, on creating lasting works, I believe my Craft World Mosaic beats all. Once a generation the Best Bonesinger adds a single line onto its surface and even amoung our long lives it is an ancient and wonderous artifact.

Ork Warboss: Yous is sayin' a pikture is better'n a wall wif more dakka than most clans! Dats...( interrupted)

Chaos Champion: Foolish as always Eldar. What good is your icon when none can see it? Now my Chapter's Banner! That is a thing of Glory! Every Marine captured has a pinch of skin ripped and sewn on it. They are sacrificed to the Dark Gods as tribute and its mere sight has driven Madness and Despair into the weak minds of corpse worshipping fools!

Ork Warboss: Tha' liddle thing wouldna even be a snack for mah 'Orde o' Squigoths.

Arguing ensues and after a minute they realize the Commander's been quiet.

Chaos Champion: So what does the dog of the corpse-god bring?

Ork Warboss: Huh? ahahaha dem humies got some nice toys but dey's break too much.

Farseer: I must admit I am curious...

The Commander takes a lho stick and lights it, "We have a two headed eagle."

*silence*

The Warboss and Champion burst out laughing and even the Farseer seems embarrassed for the guardsman.

Warboss: Wuts good about a 2-heded bird?

He takes a long drag on the stick and says : "Well, he can fly over your wall, crap on your mosaic, and wipe its with your banner."

Alright, here's another moded joke.

On Cornel III there is a hive city. On one eastern hab block is a church with a priest who has served for many decades. Faithfully serving his neighbors he has kept what few icons he has safe and well-preserved. One day he hears a rumor from a member of his flock.

"There's talk of a new cult down a few levels. The Arbites got wind there might be weird goings on."

The priest replies "If they know the God-Emperor's light, all shall be well. If not, they shall know His Mercy."

That night he said a prayer saying as much.

The next morning the Priest was sweeping his stoop when some Arbites drove by towards the western part of the hive. One stopped and warned the Priest.

"Ah, Father, you uh may want to keep yourself ready to travel." When asked what he meant the officer explained that it seems the cult they investigated may have been a Genestealer cult. "To be sure, all arbites in the area are making sweeps and spot checks before the Governor calls the military in."

"Hmpf, xenos eh? I'll say a prayer for you in today's sermon." The Arbites thanked the Priest and continued on his way.

A few hours later the Priest hears a commotion outside and sees a number of Guardsmen jogging east. A Sergeant jogs over to the Priest. "Sah, my unit's been ordered back to the next hab to repel another wave of xenos scum. You may want to get whatever you can and get to a shelter."

"Thank you Sergeant, but I have served the God-Emperor here for many years and prayed that we be cleansed of these foul aliens. Be at ease for He shall deliver us from harm."
They make the sign of the Aquila and go their seperate ways.

A few hours later the Priest is restacking some books onto some shelves when things begin to rattle. A deafening sound is heard and he runs outside to see a Thunderhawk barely touching down. Moments later some massive figures run towards the opened ramp and the Priest realizes they are Space Marines. As the last one climbs up, the two see each other. Barely heard above the engines of the the Thunderhawk, the Captian yells "Priest! The...in...late...Come if...ant to live." The Priest understands enough and yells back.
"Thank yo...I ha...faith...prayer..ill...answered!"

The Captain looks the Priest over and nodding, hits the button to close the ramp.

A few hours later the Priest is dead, ripped apart by Tyranids. Yet he knows he is dead, and feels a warm light. Opening his eyes he sees in all His glory, the God-Emperor of Mankind. Excited, the Priest bows and makes the sign of the Aquila. "M-My Leige, I have prayed and served and kept your light for all who would know it. May I ask a question?"

He nods so the Priest continues "I prayed several times this day, and yet I still died. For all my Faith,why did you let me die?"

The God-Emperor tilts his head in thought, "Wait, you're that Priest on Cornel III. I sent the local Arbites, the Guard and my loyal Marines; just what did you want?"

A Big Mek is busy building a deff dread when a gretchin walks buy. "Whats that thing called, it looks stupid?" I...I Don't know. I wuz gonna start it and see if a name came to mind." "That is stupid, your stupid." The gretchin walks up and kicks the Deff Dread, it teeters, totters and falls on the Gretchin. "I shall call it smoosh....hur hur hur!"

A riddle:
Whats the hardest question you can ask an ork?

What do you call flesh hounds?
Khorne Dogs.
What happened when Kharn got run over by a Land Raider?
"Creamed" Khorne.