Forum adverts like this one are shown to any user who is not logged in. Join us by filling out a tiny 3 field form and you will get your own, free, dakka user account which gives a good range of benefits to you: No adverts like this in the forums anymore. Times and dates in your local timezone. Full tracking of what you have read so you can skip to your first unread post, easily see what has changed since you last logged in, and easily see what is new at a glance. Email notifications for threads you want to watch closely. Being a part of the oldest wargaming community on the net. If you are already a member then feel free to login now.

I love this new direction Imrightbehindyou.

What do Kharne's kids call him?

Pop Khorne.


What are unnecessarily violent jokes called in the 40k universe?

Khorney.

After months of training and surgery, a new batch of Space Wolf Neophytes are almost ready to be given the black Carapace and join the Blood Claws. They're all lined up, and an old Wolf Priest brings out a short, fat syringe and address them. "Listen up boys. I know there are a lot of jokes and rumors about the canis gene, and how we deal with it, but all kidding aside, there is one thing we must do before you can become full Space Wolves. Its time to give you all your rabies shot."

One of the neophytes nervously raises his hand, and asks, "but sir, isn't the rabies shot usually a long thin needle?"

"Well, sure, if you want to prevent rabies!"

How many daemonettes does it take to screw in a lightbulb? I don't know. but it takes a proctologist to get it out.

When it comes to beating in a locked door.
A Guardsman will set a demo charge and blow it open,
A Space Marine will kick the door in,
An Ork will charge at it and smash it in,

A Nercon on the other hand,will stand in front of the door for a thousand years until it has rusted away and will then enter the building.

A battle line of Space Marines have just fought off a wave of Ork and are in the middle of a battle when suddenly they realize that they have run out of ammo. The Space Marines begin to panic when a Sergeant speaks up and says "Alright Marines, when the horde gets closer I want you all to stand up and yell *BANG* as loud as you possibly can. The Orks will believe our guns have fired and they will fall down dead." The lot of Marines look at each other with disbelief, but realizing they dont have any other plans, nervously get ready. An Ork charge is now so close they can hear their footsteps- The Sergeant yells "NOW!!", the line of Marines stand up and all yell "BANG" as loudly as possible. To their shock and amazement, the entire line of Orks drops to the ground. The Marines begin to cheer and the Sergeant tells them to get ready because another wave is coming. Same as before, they wait until the Orks are close, they all stand up at once and yell BANG and the entire line of Orks fall.

When the last wave of Boyz and Nobz approach they get ready to do it again. They all stand up at once and yell "BANG!". Again, the line drops... except for one. The marines, startled and confused, yell bang a second time, with no effect. The boy makes it to the battle line and begins chopping and hacking away. Before the Sergeant is chopped to bits he hears the Ork Boy chanting "I'm a tank, I'm a tank, I'm a tank."

What do you call a burning crisis suit?
Fish & Chips

What do you call a dead Tau?
Sushi

And a alternative version from a previous joke:
What do you get when you use a flamer on chaos marines?
Pop Khorne!

Alright alright i dont have any good ones :(

kinda lame but here it goes...

what was a gertian chaos god when he got fired?

 Kurgash wrote:
Two Carnifexes are eating a Harliquen, one stops and looks over at the other and asks "Does this taste funny to you?"

HA!
I like you, you're funny.

How do get a 1 armed orc out of a tree?

Wave.


How the orc break his arm raking leaves?


He fell out the tree.

Not a joke: 40k, it costs my time, it cost my money, it costs my life (wife).

Necron Pick-Up lines:

Hey girl, my heart just made a reanimation protocols roll.

Do you want to see my OTHER warscythe?

How can you tell necrons use windows?
Because they crashed for 64 million years


"Did you see the necron at the music store yesterday?"
"Yeah, apparently he's a metal-head"

A space wolf, an ultramarine and a blood angel had died and stood at the gates of heaven, a saint appears and tells them that only one may enter and whoevers death was the most amusing would be let through and the rest would be banished to the immaterium, he turns to the blood angel and askes to hear how he fell.

"Well, we were in the middle of a war against the thousand sons and Ihad just gotten back to the forward base I was stationed at, as I reached the front airlock I heared someone scream around the side, I look and a blue clad marine is dangling from the viewing deck calling for help, I assumed it was an ultramarine to begin with but as I ran up the stairs I felt a burning feeling in my throat until all i could think was killing any enemy, I reached the viewing point and hammered the "thousand son" till he fell, but the bastard landed in a space tree, so I found the heaviest thing I could find in a shirt time, (a meat locker) and hurled it over the edge and killed the traitor

Well, it turned out that i was actually under the black rage and was promptly executed."

The saint turns to the ultramarine and asks for his death.

"Well, I had been stationed in a forward base to help fill a devastator squad as they had sufferred losses, long story short, I was scouting the field for any danger when a low flying thunderhawk startled me and knoched me off my perch, luckily I caught onto the ledge when a blood angel arrived (i thought to help me) and kicks me off the fething ledge! Thanks to the emperors blessing, I happened to land in a space tree, then the fething bastard THREW A FRIDGE AT ME!!!!"

The saint winced "oh, thats gotta suck!" And turned to the space wolf and prompted him to speak of his demise:

"Well I got a bit hungry so I hid in this fridge..."

how many slaneshi worshippers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
2. just dont ask how they get in there.

_____________________________________

how many space wolves does it take to change a light bulb?
all of them. one to hold the bulb in place, the rest to get so drunk the room spins.

_____________________________________

how many dark angels does it take to change a light bulb?
None. they like to leave things in the dark.

_____________________________________


After a successful campaign, the imperial forces gather together for a final celebration in a pub. as would happen, the space marines present get louder and louder as they get drunker and drunker, and the question gets asked as to who are the most effective warriors. And of course, the blood angels present bellow that they are the best - they cite their histories, great battles won and their impressive combat prowess. the space wolves bellow they are the best, for they are the sons of russ, their history is as long, and their list of victories is as great. the ultramarines chime in, citing their history, their list of victories and as how they are the hallmark of the astartes. and of course, the argument goes on and on, and would have continued except two catachans walked up and tapped on of the marines on his shoulder. "Right guys, me and my mate want to have words with you. we're the best. and we'll prove it to you, and all your astartes buddies. five minutes. meet out back." the two catachans then walk off, to howls of laughter and jeering from all the marines present. the marines keep jostling amongst themselves as they finish their beers, before turning and heading for the door and heading out to meet the catachans outside for a scrap.

Needless to say, none of the marines saw the tripwire.

A 40k joke eh....how about any figure in Finecast.....then again, that would work for any of GW's games that have figures made in Finecast.

 Kurgash wrote:
Two Carnifexes are eating a Harliquen, one stops and looks over at the other and asks "Does this taste funny to you?"

The other Carnifex dropped his meal and screamed "HOLY FRAK!! A TALKING CARNIFEX!!!!


Automatically Appended Next Post:

 Zathras wrote:
A 40k joke eh....how about any figure in Finecast.....then again, that would work for any of GW's games that have figures made in Finecast.

Once apon a time there were some Space Wolves in a pub sharing jokes, when a whingy little emo kid wearing green power armour and a toga (never trust a guy in a toga) walked in and started whining about gak that had nothing to do with anything.. The wolves ate him.. The end

How tall is the Primarch Ferrus Manus?
About a head shorter than Fulgrim :p

CSI Imperium:

"Inquisitor Horatius, it seems that the guy here was possessed by a daemon, and then he killed himself"
"It seems like the guy had some..."
*put on sunglasses*
"inner daemon"
YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!