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Posted By Gothicfuture on 01/09/2007 6:37 PM

Dear Space Emperor:

How come after all these years they never figured out how to make a plasma gun that didn't kill its user?

Sincerely, Seriously Seeking Aloe

Dear Aloe,

After enough people die to plasma guns, the only ones left will be those strong enough to survive them. After we breed those with with the last surviving Sisters Repentia, we'll finally be a race able to withstand the effects of gobal warming. Once THAT happens we can once again start a new golden age of technonlogy, where we can pollute EVERY planet to the point where not even tyranids can survive. THEN we shall truly rule the galaxy. (And every planet in the Imperium will be so foul, all those extra-galactic travel agancies I invested in will finally start showing a profit!) 

Dear Space Emporer,

What is your middle name?

Dear t3h Space Emporer

Who put the dangle in my dongle?

SHOE-BEE DOO-BEE DOO WAP!!!

Dear Space Emporer,

What is your middle name?


Space, my first name is The

Dear Emperor O'Space

This smoking hot chick I'm banging asked if I could give her access to the top secret defence mainframes. She totally promises she is not a killer robot. Should I let her?

G Baltar on Caprica

PS did I mention she's SMOKING HOT?

Dear Emperor O'Space

This smoking hot chick I'm banging asked if I could give her access to the top secret defence mainframes. She totally promises she is not a killer robot. Should I let her?

G Baltar on Caprica

PS did I mention she's SMOKING HOT?

Dear Baltar,

It does not matter if she is a killer robot, because even if she is, she's a smoking hot killer robot -- which is even hotter.

Just don't be seen making out with her in public places or there might be trouble, you know? In case she's a 'bot. If this is a strain just carry her around in your head for a bit, don't worry it's pretty harmless.


Dear Space Emperor,

Ninjas or Pirates?

The Jolly Ronin

Dear Jollies,

Neither - genetically-engineered supermen everytime!

Yours,
The Emperor!

Dear All-Powerful God Of Mankind,

What's up with the Eldar? I thought they were supposed to be a "dwindling" race...

Sincerely,

Perplexed Ordos Xenos Inquisitor (POXI)

Posted By ancientsociety on 02/02/2007 8:28 PM
]

Dear All-Powerful God Of Mankind,

What's up with the Eldar? I thought they were supposed to be a "dwindling" race...

Sincerely,

Perplexed Ordos Xenos Inquisitor (POXI)

Dear POXI,

This is obviously in reference to the size of their genitalia. Have you seen their armor lately? No codpieces whatsoever. This is why the Empire of Man shall ever rule supreme. "The bigger the codpiece, the better the ruler." Even the so called "nobles" of super ancient Terra knew this.

Deer Teh Spaze Empurer,

My dad tol mee that i ned to lurn to spel betur but i tol him that spaze marinz dont hav to no how to spel tha just hav to no how to kil l-dar and teeraniz and nekrawnz and how too ax u for yor blesinz but he tol me that im too smal to bee a  spaze marinz and that you woodnt help me an if i didnt lurn how to spel that you woodnt bles me my preest tol mee that you help ne tru beleevr who ax you in praer who is write an cood you send the inkwizishun for the won ho iz rong

thank u

hi skool graduit

Dear Hi Skool

I have just 4 words for you:

"Blessed is the mind too small for doubt"

Or maybe 8 words. Something like that. Math is hard.

You tell your dad that the Ultramar Space Marine Corps does not discriminate based on spelling ability, so long as you can spell Kil Kil Kil on your shoulder pad and remember don't shoot the guys with the Us on their shoulders you're golden.

Sincerely
The Big Kahoona

Dear Dad-I mean, um Mr. Space Emperor Dad, I mean Space Emperor!

Which of the primarchs is your favorite?
And second favorite?
How about third?

What about that handsome and wise Rogal Dorn guy, I mean you persoanlly had him build you an unblowupable space house so you must like him a lot right? Right?

Just wondering
Not Rogal Dorn

Dear NRD,

Rogal Dorn was all fine and good. Where do you think I got this *female dog*in' recliner? Or the built-in widescreen plasma with surround sound? But, he never did build me that "space laser" I always kept talking about. Everytime I told him I wanted to name it the "Death Star", he kept laughing. I didn't think it was very funny.

Anyway, I love all my son...errr, genetic offshoots equally. Except for Horus.....and Angron.....and.....


Dear Master Of Mankind,

Why does the Ecclesiarchy get such a bad rap? After all, we've got cardinals, arch-bishops, barristers, certified accountants....We're not such a bad group. We bring enlightenment to the filthy masses of stupid, gullible....I mean zealotous, noble men and women everywhere! Why don't people like us more?

Yours,
Martine St. Augustine
Bishop of Ophelia V

I think it's those silly vows. I mean come on. No booze, no women, no pork? No wonder you guys all want to jab yourselves with needles and die in battle. Loosen up, live a litte.

TSE

Dear Mr. Space Emperor

I'm a Black Templar y'know. This one time me and the lads got in a ruckus with these guys from the Black Legion and I'm pretty sure we won cept, y'know, in a fight stuff get's kind of confusing, with all the dust and smoke and yelling and baldness and blood. So like when we got home I counted and we had like, five more guys than when we started. So I looked over the lads and I saw one of them had a skull for a head so I was like CHAOS! and killed him cept turns out he was our Chaplain. So now I'm pretty sure some of these guys are Chaos Marines but I can't tell who. I mean we all have skulls and chains and capes and shout a lot. What should I do?

Confused Chapter Master

Posted By Kid_Kyoto on 02/06/2007 9:03 PM
Dear Mr. Space Emperor

I'm a Black Templar y'know. This one time me and the lads got in a ruckus with these guys from the Black Legion and I'm pretty sure we won cept, y'know, in a fight stuff get's kind of confusing, with all the dust and smoke and yelling and baldness and blood. So like when we got home I counted and we had like, five more guys than when we started. So I looked over the lads and I saw one of them had a skull for a head so I was like CHAOS! and killed him cept turns out he was our Chaplain. So now I'm pretty sure some of these guys are Chaos Marines but I can't tell who. I mean we all have skulls and chains and capes and shout a lot. What should I do?

Confused Chapter Master

Dear Confused Chapter Master

The solution is to look how the suspect members are based. Members of a different army may be based differently even if their armour looks similar. Many have a pedestal effect that you may have noticed. sometimes this has a green rim, but sometimes a brown. All the brothers should have the same basing.

Dont worry about the Chaplain, plenty more where he came from.

the Space Emporer

 

Dear Space Emporer

My Baneblade wont start, and my back to Forgeworld warranty seal has expired. What shall I do.

Captain Honorios Gont, 313th Cadian Assault Grenadiers

Dear Space Emporer

My Baneblade wont start, and my back to Forgeworld warranty seal has expired. What shall I do.

Captain Honorios Gont, 313th Cadian Assault Grenadiers


That is why I always get the extended warrenty package. It's only $20 and it can really pay off in the long run. Why just week my Golden Laz-E-Boy broke on me and without that extended warrenty seal I'd be D-E-D dead and the whole space universe would be eaten by demons.

In your case you might want to just wait a few months though, my psychic powers tell me there will be some shinny new PLASTIC BANEBLADES coming out this summer.

Yours in Mechanical Skillz
The Omnimessiah of Space

Dear 'The Man'

As you know, this month is Black History Month. What are you doing to recognize the contributions of blacks to our history?

Angry Black Man

Dear 'The Man'

As you know, this month is Black History Month. What are you doing to recognize the contributions of blacks to our history?

Angry Black Man


Dear Angry Black Man

We of the Imperium do not discriminate, be assured the Adeptus Terra will protect, administer and moderate all my citizens with the same level of loving care and sympathy.
As a case in point I would like to remind you that the Salamander's chapter is an equal opportunities employer.
At least you were smart enough not to ask why we channelled black colonists to High G hostile environment planets like Prometheus. I usually refer such cases to the Inquisition.

Yours omnisciently
the Space Emporer

.

Dear Space Emporer

Could you send me some of those hunky Catachans to check out my quarters, my Convent cell block has a cockroach infestation. Can they check it out please. They are so sexy, I mean good in close action... I mean in a lasgun sort of way. After all it might be tyranids.

Could they stay a bit longer this time. The er 'Tyranids' might come back.

Sister Invioleta. Block 312, Chapel Beta, St Agnes Quadrans, Orphelia IV

a Tyranid invasion you say? don't worry faithful servant. altough I don't believe a squat of Catachans will do the job, the exterminatus team I've send will take care of this problem at once.

your magnificant "the space emporer"

Dear Anung Un Rama

Although you forgot to include a question my Emperor Question Sense has already detected the one you meant to ask.

The answer is yes, it is a tumor. Probably fatal. Inoperable. Quite Painful.

But I wouldn't worry.

The army of necrons that hit your planet next week will kill you even faster.

So remember always look on the bright side of life!

Your Pal
Emperor O'Space

Dear the Space Emperor,

I'm a tired of getting the ole run around on this, so tell me, once and for all, is Sigmar a primarch or not?

Ornerary in the Olde Worlde

Posted By Kid_Kyoto on 02/19/2007 6:02 PM




Dear the Space Emperor,

I'm a tired of getting the ole run around on this, so tell me, once and for all, is Sigmar a primarch or not?

Ornerary in the Olde Worlde

Dear Ornerary,

Due to the ongoing Paternity suit filed against me by Morathi, my lawyers have advised me not to comment.

 

Dear Teh Space Emporer,

Who would win in a fight? Pee Wee Herman, or Erkel?

Yours truly,

Nerdfights.com

Dear Phait D'Nurd

As long as they fight to the death, we ALL win.

Love
The Big E



Oh most Imperial Emperor of Spacial Space

Help us OB1 Space Emperor, you're our only hope! Our poor world is being oppressed by an undead immortal psker who demands human sacrifice. Any who dare defy him are killed by his 7'tall armored mutant warrior fanatics! You must save us!

Ironic on Io

Oh most Imperial Emperor of Spacial Space

Help us OB1 Space Emperor, you're our only hope! Our poor world is being oppressed by an undead immortal psker who demands human sacrifice. Any who dare defy him are killed by his 7'tall armored mutant warrior fanatics! You must save us!

Ironic on Io

Dear Ironic

How do I hate a copycat. Can you please walk as close to the palace of this upstart as possible. Then retransmit your petition. Battlefleet Terra will be on standby to target your coordinates. And remember the blood of Martyrs is the seed of them Imperium.

Thankyou
the Big Cheese


Dear the Space Emporer

Aun'vre Slothead has been telling us we can worship the Space Emperor, and pray and such like; so long as we follow the Greater Good. Aun'vre Slothead seems really nice for a Xenos, I am sure you would like him. Can we all get along and eat lentils and pick flowers? Have to dash now, I am late for my kroot hugging class.

Love and hugs - by order of the Aun Council
Stranded on Damocles

Dear the Space Emporer

Aun'vre Slothead has been telling us we can worship the Space Emperor, and pray and such like; so long as we follow the Greater Good. Aun'vre Slothead seems really nice for a Xenos, I am sure you would like him. Can we all get along and eat lentils and pick flowers? Have to dash now, I am late for my kroot hugging class.

Love and hugs - by order of the Aun Council
Stranded on Damocles

Dear Stranded:

DO NOT FEAR! We in the Space Empire have a motto, "leave hardly any men behind" and we shall come to thy aid. Even as we speak children are being born who will, in 18-20 years, become the guard regiments who will form the first wave of the 50 year crusade to rescue you from the alien hoards.

With regard to your question, Space Imperialism is a religion of love, not hate. So long as you remember our sacred rule of "Love to kill thy heretical, mutant, xenos, witch and daemonic neighbors" and you'll be fine. Remember your immortal soul will be judged accordingly.

Your God-like Omnipotant Lord
PS Speaking of religious questions...

Dear Our most Divine Emperor of Space,

I was raised an Orthodox Imperialist and attend the witch burning every Wednesday. "Wednesday is Witch Day" sayth the Space Emperor. However the people down the road are Puritan Imperialists and subscribe to the heretical docrtine "Monday is Mutant Day" and attend a mutant execution every Monday. As an orthodox imperialist I hate these heretics. Do you think if I strap a bomb to my stomach and blow myself up in the market place it will show them the error of their ways?

Holy Warrior

Posted By Kid_Kyoto on 03/05/2007 5:41 PM


Dear Our most Divine Emperor of Space,

I was raised an Orthodox Imperialist and attend the witch burning every Wednesday. "Wednesday is Witch Day" sayth the Space Emperor. However the people down the road are Puritan Imperialists and subscribe to the heretical docrtine "Monday is Mutant Day" and attend a mutant execution every Monday. As an orthodox imperialist I hate these heretics. Do you think if I strap a bomb to my stomach and blow myself up in the market place it will show them the error of their ways?

Holy Warrior

Dear Holy,

  There IS indeed a seperate day of the week for burning of all the Empire's enemies. Just remember that Tuesday is Xenos Day, and THURSDAY is suicide-bomb-your-neighbors day. Enjoy them well for this Friday is your planet's turn for Praise-The-Holy-Purgatus-OMGI'monfireputmeout day.

Enjoy your extinction.

   -The Space Emperor.

Dear The Space Emporer,

 What is the best way to get skid marks out of my Holy Underwear?

-Just Saw Cypher

Dear JSC,

Promethium, just don't scrub too hard.

__________________


Dear The Space Emperor,

How much flagellation is too much flagellation?

- Running Out of Skin

Running out of Skin-

There is no such thing as too much flagellation, so get back to it lest I send Sister Merciless over with a Purgation Squad to provide a promethium solution to your skin problems.

Love,
Emperor of the Known Universe and Master of Mankind


++++++
+
Dear Spase Emp0rer!!!

WOO! I love Spase marhunez soooo MUCH! They mak m3 feel all warm and fuzzy and speshul inside and like my... you know... itz all hard n stuff ALL DAY! LOL! Mother Mutantiz says itz unhealthy for a little boy like me to obbsess on the Spase Marhunez so cuz they wuld never let someone like me in da Imperial Gard much less the Holee SPase Marhunez of Zagnutia IV!!!! *splurt* Anywayz, even if I cant be wun, I wanna meet some! Please oh please please pretty please can I meet some Space Mahrienz?!?!? I wanna shoe them mah tentacles and mah third eye and mah extra arm and all that!!! Mother Mutantiz iz alwayz moving us from underhive to underhive, she sayz the Imperialz an especially the ReeDempshunistz doan like us much and would burninate us on site or sumfing. I cant tell what Mother Mutantiz says haf da time, but I know next week weel be in Hive DCLXVII on Zagnutia IV!!! Can I pleeeeeeees see sum space marhuienze??!?!

- Overly Exuberant Space Marine Fan

Dear OESMF

I notice you failed to include a return address with your letter. As you know all letters MUST have a complete return address and contact information. Please write again with your location, a map of the area and the disposition of any guards and I promise you will have a chance to meet many, many Space Marines.

Your Pal
Honest Abe, the Emperor of Space

Hey Big Guy

Back when I was in my 20s my belly was as flat as a washboard, my abs were ripped, my hair was thick and flowing. THe ladies couldn't keep their hands off of me. But now I'm in my 40s and belly's big and round, my muscles flabby and my hair is gone. All of this started when I got married to my wife. So I was wondering, is she a witch who has hexed me? Should I get rid of her? Once I do will my hair grow back?

Middle Aged on Modrida

Hey Big Guy

Back when I was in my 20s my belly was as flat as a washboard, my abs were ripped, my hair was thick and flowing. THe ladies couldn't keep their hands off of me. But now I'm in my 40s and belly's big and round, my muscles flabby and my hair is gone. All of this started when I got married to my wife. So I was wondering, is she a witch who has hexed me? Should I get rid of her? Once I do will my hair grow back?

Middle Aged on Modrida


Dear Big Guy.

There isnt a problem really. From where I am sitting the older you get the more chicks dig you. Just look at me, my skin is gone and my entrails are hooked up to my Golden recliner, however I am still the ladies man. Those Sisters cant get enough of me, just believe it. If you dont I will send you a few to keep you company for a while.

Yours Omnisciently
Teh Space Emporer


Dear the Space Emperor.

I am depressed, because my Chimera lasguns can't. Why is this?

Frustrated from Ferrox

Dear Frustrated

Why would your lasguns need to depress? Surely mere infantry poses no threat to your fully armed and operational battle vehicles?

The Space Emperor, Military genious

Comrade Space Emperor

Many Space Years we Valhallans make good Russian stereotype. We drink the vodka, we fight the Space Germans, we beat the wife. But now you make Vorastrians Russian Stereotype. They wear the funny hat, they do the funny kick dance, they beat (x2) the wife. For why you make new Russian stereotype army?

Vexed on Valhalla

Posted By Kid_Kyoto on 03/11/2007 5:57 PM


Comrade Space Emperor

Many Space Years we Valhallans make good Russian stereotype. We drink the vodka, we fight the Space Germans, we beat the wife. But now you make Vorastrians Russian Stereotype. They wear the funny hat, they do the funny kick dance, they beat (x2) the wife. For why you make new Russian stereotype army?

Vexed on Valhalla

After the fall of the Berlinengrad XXIV Wall, there was no need for the Valhallans to be so Ruski anymore. From now on you will just serve to remind us of the glory days when pugilistic Vidcasts were great entertainment, along with the ones about Proto Space Marines single handedly taking on entire armies of swarthy-cloth-covered-savages-with-stubbas. Now we need a new sterotype of the Ruski; Much more cuddly, and willing to sell the rest of us cheap porn featuring their young women.

 

Dear Teh Space Emporer,

Is it true that Dark Angles can only field 5 or 10 man squads beacuse their generals aren't smart enough to count better than "one hand, two hands"?

- Cypher
 

Dear Cy

When it comes to those guys I got one rule, don't ask, don't tell.

But yeah.

Sad.

Your Pal
The

PS, Cy when you gonna come visit me?


Dear My Idol!

Oh boy, oh boy, I've been reading you column since long, long ago but this is the first time I've writeen in. You are totally my idol! Like I want to be just like you! So I started my own modest Galactic Empire, not as nice as your Space Empire of course but suitable for a old man like myself. I also have an army of fanatically loyal men in color coordinated armor and vast psychic powers. But I was wondering if I could get some advice, I have this secret fear that one day my most loyal #2 guy will suddenly betray me and throw me down a bottomless pit. Do you have any advice on how to stop that?  I realize you never had the best of luck with your #2 guys but I figure you've had a lot of time to think about it since then.

Sincerely
Your #1 fan
Palpatine @ GFFA

Dear My Idol!

Oh boy, oh boy, I've been reading you column since long, long ago but this is the first time I've writeen in. You are totally my idol! Like I want to be just like you! So I started my own modest Galactic Empire, not as nice as your Space Empire of course but suitable for a old man like myself. I also have an army of fanatically loyal men in color coordinated armor and vast psychic powers. But I was wondering if I could get some advice, I have this secret fear that one day my most loyal #2 guy will suddenly betray me and throw me down a bottomless pit. Do you have any advice on how to stop that? I realize you never had the best of luck with your #2 guys but I figure you've had a lot of time to think about it since then.

Sincerely
Your #1 fan
Palpatine @ GFFA

My dear brother Palpatine,
As you live so far far away, I see no reason why we cant get on. So I will help you on this occassion. In general so long as your loyal #2 guy has not started gibbering on something about the Dark Gods you are likely ok. But every galactic overlord should put in place some elementary precautions. Keep a Golden Recliner handy, and make sure all your bottomless pits have trampolines installed as standard.  And never underestimate the close combat skills of cute little teddy bears with neolithic technology. May I suggest investing in some assault marines.  You do know that chainswords are far less clumsy and random than blasters, right. However my precogntion skills have improved with time and I really suggest you pay more attention to....Never mind, as your message has been winging its way to me from long long ago, by the time my reply get back to you it will be too late.

Yours Omnisciently
Your Friendly Big Brother


Yo the Space Emporer

I need something to match my bling for when I go cruisin' with my Honour posse, checkin' out the Sisters, and for serious baddass quality drivebys. So can you arrange it for me for Xibit to Pimp My Rhino.

You are da man.
Marneus Calgar

Yo the Space Emporer

I need something to match my bling for when I go cruisin' with my Honour posse, checkin' out the Sisters, and for serious baddass quality drivebys. So can you arrange it for me for Xibit to Pimp My Rhino.

You are da man.
Marneus Calgar


Dear Marneus

Even with my power of Emperor omnicence I have no F#$%ing idea what you're talking about. So the answer is... uh... all is proceeding as I have forseen. Yeah.

Big E

Dear Empy O'Space

Begorah! Tomorrow is St Drinkinfight's Day, the forth most sacred day of the Space Year dedicated to the patron saint of Drinking and Fighting. What will you be doing on this holy day to honor St. Drinkinfight?

Irish Eyes on Io Epsilon