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Big E

Dear Empy O'Space

Begorah! Tomorrow is St Drinkinfight's Day, the forth most sacred day of the Space Year dedicated to the patron saint of Drinking and Fighting. What will you be doing on this holy day to honor St. Drinkinfight?

Irish Eyes on Io Epsilon

Dear Empy O'Space,

I'm pretty sure my buddy Russ has that covered. That guy is always throwing keggers. Its like every day is dedicated to a different alchoholic beverage. Thankfully, I rigged it so he can't get drunk, but I miss all the bowing to the golden throne.


Hey, ignorant Mon-keh seer,

Knight to black King Six. Checkmate in 3. Booyah!

Eldrad "The Man" Ulthran

Hey, ignorant Mon-keh seer,

Knight to black King Six. Checkmate in 3. Booyah!

Eldrad "The Man" Ulthran

Dear Eldrad

Abadon sword to your skull! Check and mate. thanks for the good times mate.

Your pal
The Emp

Dear the Space Emperor of Space

When you founded the Great Imperial Space Empire of Space you said 'This Empire shall endure for ten thousand years'. Well, that was 9999 years ago so I was wondering what next? Like, should we be learning Taoese or something?

Anxious on Andromeda

(reduced to answering my own questions... ah well)

Dear the Space Emperor of Space

When you founded the Great Imperial Space Empire of Space you said 'This Empire shall endure for ten thousand years'. Well, that was 9999 years ago so I was wondering what next? Like, should we be learning Taoese or something?

Anxious on Andromeda

Dude, you have to remember when I made that speech we had like a gazillion Space Demons and half of all the Space Marines knocking on the door and things were looking a bit grim. So like to fire up the troops I made up this whole song and dance about how my psychic powers told me we'd win and the Space Empire would go on for like 10,000 years and stuff. It's not like I could say hey guys, we're doomed and I got no idea how long we can hold out. And hey, what can I say it worked. We kicked that loser Horus' butt all the way back to the Eye of Terror.

So don't be putting too much stock in that date OK? And even if it turns out I was right, so what? We had a good run, I mean most Space Empire fail in their first 30 years.

Your Mostly Omnicient Space Emperor Guy

Dear the Space Emperor

How come you wear SOLID GOLD all year around? Doesn't it get too hot in summer and too gold in winter? Not to mention the chaffing. Why not a nice wool blended suit?

Tailor from Tatooeen

Dear the Space Emperor

How come you wear SOLID GOLD all year around? Doesn't it get too hot in summer and too gold in winter? Not to mention the chaffing. Why not a nice wool blended suit?

Tailor from Tatooeen

Dear Tatooeen Tailor,
I see what you are trying to do and I won't fall for your thinly guised attempt to assasinate me with grox pox infested woolen undies. Enjoy your last few moments of life before my Imperial Vampire Assassin exsanguinates you. But, before you die, to answer your question, it's because wearing SOLID GOLD year round is totally bling-tastic and shows to all da peeps in the galaxies that I'm the fo shizzle rizzle mad pimp of Holy Terra and you best not be startin no static with me or you gonna get slapped up side the head and beaten like a rented mule by my gangsta thugstas, the Ultra Bling Marines:


Anyhow, Mr. Soon-To-Be-Living-The-Rest-of-His-Short-Ass-Life-In-Agonizing-Pain you best be getting to enjoy your last few miserable moments of life while you can. Lovingly, Your Omnipotent Space Pimp,
Da Emporer of Holy Terra


Dear Great Space Emperor,

Here on Zagnutia Prime there seems to be a problem with some of the people getting uppity and what nots. Like they say we should bow to the power of the High Lords of Terra and that they are the true rules or the universe. But my mom says those guys are just as bad as worshiping Chaos or something and that we should all be praying to the Emperor Diefied for saving our sorry asses from the warp storms and the boogeymen inside them (this is also why she says I shouldn't travel in space and should stick to my job here in the clone vats in the underhive). Who is right?
-Confused on Zagnutia Prime

Nyarly, you should have answered the 'pimp my rhino' question.

Dear Great Space Emperor,

Here on Zagnutia Prime there seems to be a problem with some of the people getting uppity and what nots. Like they say we should bow to the power of the High Lords of Terra and that they are the true rules or the universe. But my mom says those guys are just as bad as worshiping Chaos or something and that we should all be praying to the Emperor Diefied for saving our sorry asses from the warp storms and the boogeymen inside them (this is also why she says I shouldn't travel in space and should stick to my job here in the clone vats in the underhive). Who is right?
-Confused on Zagnutia Prime

Dear Confused,
You are at least partly right by writing to me you are siding with the Emperor Deified, that me, one and the same. As for the High Lords of Terra, thats me in a way too, as they are my appointed representatives. What didturbs me is that your faith isn't blind enough for my liking. Stare at your local sun or low powered lasgun for a few hours, then repeat your quetions andf you will find forgiveness added to the answers.

your omnisciently
E

Dear Teh Space Emporer

Pleeze can we have da next codex, coz we iz ded hard and tuff and real killy like.

Not da orks.

Dear Teh Space Emporer

Pleeze can we have da next codex, coz we iz ded hard and tuff and real killy like.

Not da orks.

I have vowed that as soon as Codex the Space Marines is finished there shall be new codexes for all the hethan, me-less alien races. At this time we have Codex Blue Marines, Codex Black Mareins and Codex Green Marines, after I finish the remaining 997 codexes I will start on Codex Orks. Unless of course we relaunch 40k again, in which case I have to start over. But I promise when Codex Orks does come out it will have the best models ever and really great rules! We'll either be taking the Orks back to their roots with funny rules and crazy tech, or getting rid of the silliness and making them dead 'ard grim killers. Whichever we didn't do last time.

Your Humble Scribe
The Space Emperor

Dear The Space Emperor

I support the War on Chaos. I have TWO flags flying on my SUV, a magnet AND a bumper sticker. I also have a picture of an Eagle on my Blog. However I wanted to ask about this letter I got in the mail telling my son to report to recruiting center #2457 for induction into the Imperial Guard to fight in the Eye of Rampaging Anarchy and Chaos (Eye-RAC). Now obviously this can't be right. I'm an upper class lawyer and my son is due to start at Space College next year where he will major in Marketing with a minor in Exploiting Peasants. Surely this letter was meant for some lower class child, perhaps with a similar name. I am sure you will clear it up.

Yours loyally

Loyal Lawyer from Lambda IV

PS Did I mention that I personally donated 100 star-bucks to the support our troops golf tourament?

Dear The Space Emperor

I support the War on Chaos. I have TWO flags flying on my SUV, a magnet AND a bumper sticker. I also have a picture of an Eagle on my Blog. However I wanted to ask about this letter I got in the mail telling my son to report to recruiting center #2457 for induction into the Imperial Guard to fight in the Eye of Rampaging Anarchy and Chaos (Eye-RAC). Now obviously this can't be right. I'm an upper class lawyer and my son is due to start at Space College next year where he will major in Marketing with a minor in Exploiting Peasants. Surely this letter was meant for some lower class child, perhaps with a similar name. I am sure you will clear it up.

Yours loyally

Loyal Lawyer from Lambda IV

PS Did I mention that I personally donated 100 star-bucks to the support our troops golf tourament?

Dear Loyal Lawyer,
Considering the fact that all my sons were in the service, and I even had to off a couple of them myself, I think you must need a quick renewal of basic loyalty indoctrination. Some nice officers of the Inquisition are going to drop by your hab (Erys Obscuratis, level 1745, block Alpha-34, unit 244) and explain to you the many career-enhancing benefits that your son will enjoy as a member of the Imperial Guard.  Assuming he survives. The benefits of being a veteran are not to be lightly dismissed, including money for college and subsidized health care- even bionics!  And employers look with favor upon Imperial military service, which instills virtues such as obedience and self-sacrifice- virtues in which you will soon be having a brisk refresher course as Recruit #6377218 in the Erys Obscuratis Penal Legion.  As a mark of my appreciation for your unstinting support, I am personally attaching an Aquila magnet to your explosive collar.

 Yours in Sacrifice,

Teh Space Emporer

Dear Space Emporer,

Which is your favorite Ruinous Power?  Lucius says you like the Porn God best, but I bet him [CENSORED] and fifty-three [CENSORED] [CENSORED] that you like all of them equally.  'Cause you're sort of a paraplegic, only deader, so porn would just be, you know, frustrating to you.

Naughty in the Nightielords

Dear Space Emporer,

Which is your favorite Ruinous Power? Lucius says you like the Porn God best, but I bet him [CENSORED] and fifty-three [CENSORED] [CENSORED] that you like all of them equally. 'Cause you're sort of a paraplegic, only deader, so porn would just be, you know, frustrating to you.

Naughty in the Nightielords


Dear Naughty

Well I can't deny that in my younger days I did flirt with the Ruinous Powers a bit, y'know I was 17k and experimenting, finding myself really. I went to a few tantric rituals, bio-engineered a few diseases, slaughtered a few thousand people with my chain axe, even spent a year working in a video arcade's change booth, but it really wasn't for me.

Still if I had to pick just one it I'd have to say I'm a Khorne man, but that shouldn't be a surprise I mean I did make all those Red Space Marines who run around screaming BLOOD FOR THE EMPEROR SKULLS FOR THE GOLDEN THRONE.

Yours in nostalgia
The Emp

PS While you were reading this your world was subjected to Exterminus.

Dear the Noble and Wise Emperor of Space:

Sire! I write to you now because of a most dire threat to the Space Universe, a spectre is haunting the Space Universe, the spectre of Heterosexuality!

As we all know women are evil succubi who want to steal our precious warrior fluids. Thus warriors must be sure only to share their warrior fluids with other warriors lest they become weak and strat driving minivans. But today incidious Heterosexuals are trying to get Heterosexuality taught in schools and even trying to legalize Different-Sex Marriage. I call on you, the noblest Emperor in all of Space to condemn these sexual deviants.

Sincerely
High Marshall Helbrecht
Black Templars Chapter
Adeptus Astres

Dear the Noble and Wise Emperor of Space:

Sire! I write to you now because of a most dire threat to the Space Universe, a spectre is haunting the Space Universe, the spectre of Heterosexuality!

As we all know women are evil succubi who want to steal our precious warrior fluids. Thus warriors must be sure only to share their warrior fluids with other warriors lest they become weak and strat driving minivans. But today incidious Heterosexuals are trying to get Heterosexuality taught in schools and even trying to legalize Different-Sex Marriage. I call on you, the noblest Emperor in all of Space to condemn these sexual deviants.

Sincerely
High Marshall Helbrecht
Black Templars Chapter
Adeptus Astres

My Dear High Marshall

I am quite touched by your ten thousand year crusade, and by curious extension - seperation from the audit office. Are you sure there are only one thousand of you? Whatever, I liked the idea of Legions myself. Anyway I digress. Next time you storm an Eldar world don't stop to drink the wine, it leads to all sort of silly ideas. Last time I tried some I got into a terrible fix. Holy Me, I had a drink, now where did my baby primarchs go! I had them a few minutes earlier, must have misplaced them somewhere while going on a stroll through the warp.

Yours omnipotently

Empy

O Master, our Space Emperor

I humbly beseech thee to ask what has happened to the Eldar. Our holy order once found marked differences between the craftworlds and we looked very important advising the Imperial Guard and Space Marines of their doctrines. Now however they all look the same to me, when you have fought one you have fought them all. And this Ulthran blighter, he gets around a lot now. We reported him as missing presumed dead at the end of the 13th Black Crusade, but now he turns up everywhere leading armies from every known craftworld.

The Imperial Tarot is informing us we can expect similar disturbances in the ruinous powers. We are a confused O Mighty One, please enlighten us.

Inquisitor Bigott, Ordo Xenos

Thought for the day: Damnable Eldar, all look the same to me.

O Master, our Space Emperor

I humbly beseech thee to ask what has happened to the Eldar. Our holy order once found marked differences between the craftworlds and we looked very important advising the Imperial Guard and Space Marines of their doctrines. Now however they all look the same to me, when you have fought one you have fought them all. And this Ulthran blighter, he gets around a lot now. We reported him as missing presumed dead at the end of the 13th Black Crusade, but now he turns up everywhere leading armies from every known craftworld.

The Imperial Tarot is informing us we can expect similar disturbances in the ruinous powers. We are a confused O Mighty One, please enlighten us.

Inquisitor Bigott, Ordo Xenos

Dear Inquisitor Bigott,

Had consulted your Tarot as instructed, you would already know the Eldar as a race haven't been doing all that hot for the last few years. You may think their ridiculously long and complex reproduction cycle or the fact that the porn-god eat most of their race for lunch is responsible, but in reality, the confusing nature of their governmental party system is the reason behind their decline.

I mean honestly, who can remember whether the Beil-Tan party favors partial-Ork abortion or how the Ulthwe party stands on illegal Kroot immigrants? In fact, voter turn out among those Eldar living outside the infinty circut had dipped to an all-time low of 18% of those Eldar eligible to vote (i.e. non Exarch Eldar over 1,800 years old). 

To combat this problem, the Eldar have recently switched to a two-party system: a 'winner' and 'loser' party. The 'winner' party stands on a platform of dancing ravers driving around in flying 'ride-pimped' hoopties covered in distracting, flashing lights. The 'loser' party represents all the other type of Eldar.

Of course this change in policy has come far too late as we will kill them all and grind their bones into dust just as soon as we can locate the party barges they float around in. 

Oh and as for that Eldrad fellow, he is most certainly  dead. It's just that the Eldrad halloween costume is currently a top-seller.

Dear the Space Emperor,

Do psykers taste like Chicken? Do any of the thousands you eat each day ever give you gas?

Sincerely,

Adeptus Custodes Earl

 

Dear the Space Emperor,

Do psykers taste like Chicken? Do any of the thousands you eat each day ever give you gas?

Sincerely,

Adeptus Custodes Earl



Dear Adeptus Custodes Earl,

Who cares about the taste of psykers? Such concerns are beneath me.

I want to know what will happen if Space Chickens (i.e. Kroot) eat some psykers and turn psykik. What are you doing to stop that?

You should be kicking some Kroot arse around the Tau Empire, not wasting time on stupid questions about My Imperial Space Diet.

Now get out there and start a new crusade or something.

[buuuuurp]



Teh Emporer of Space




Dear Teh Space Emporer,

Whenever I try to write a letter to you, the Machine Spirit of Speling in my word processor changes your holy name from the correct and proper form of ?Teh Space Emporer? to a debased and xenos form, ?The Space Emperor.?

Is this evidence of Chaos affecting the Machine Spirit? Should I burn the word processor immediately?

Yours truly,


A loyal scribe.

Posted By Kilkrazy on 05/16/2007 4:54 AM
Dear Teh Space Emporer,

Whenever I try to write a letter to you, the Machine Spirit of Speling in my word processor changes your holy name from the correct and proper form of “Teh Space Emporer” to a debased and xenos form, “The Space Emperor.”

Is this evidence of Chaos affecting the Machine Spirit? Should I burn the word processor immediately?

Yours truly,


A loyal scribe.

Dear A loyal scribe,

There comes a moment in every faithful's life where the seed of doubt is allowed to take root.  This moment is different for everyone but always involves a choice.  That choice is whether to burn or not to burn.

If there comes a point in your life where you choose not to burn, know that you have fallen from mine holy purpose for your life.  The suggestion of heresy, mutation, or witchery is as dangerous as the genuine article.  That your word processing engine is functioning in a way contrary to what believe to be proper and righteous is reason enough to suspect chaos and to administer the only cure, cleansing fire.

Remember, ALS, if you are ever faced with that question, again, to burn or not to burn, make sure you've brought your matches.

(And yes, that you suspect your wife of cheating on you is proof enough to me that she is mutant, heretic, and witch.  Enjoy.)

Your Campfire Friend,

Teh

Your Most Holy and Omniscient Teh Space Emporer,

Our toilet paper servitor ran out of toner.  We put in a purchase order over four weeks ago but I guess it has to go out for bid to at least three different Forgeworlds for contract.  We had to go to the office across the street and borrow a toner cartridge from them.  Their cartridge didn't fit in our servitor so we emptied that catridge into an old empty cartridge and then, trying not spill any, we wedged the old cartridge into the servitor.  It works, but every time it tries to print "By order of Teh Emporer your world is Exterminatus" it prints instead "Tzeench iz Yoor Mast3R 3Mbrace Teh WindZ fo CH4nG3"

The thing is, I know they sell toner up the street at Staples.  Why can't I just run out and pick up a new toner cartridge from them?

Thanks,

Toner Blues

Your Most Holy and Omniscient Teh Space Emporer,

Our toilet paper servitor ran out of toner. We put in a purchase order over four weeks ago but I guess it has to go out for bid to at least three different Forgeworlds for contract. We had to go to the office across the street and borrow a toner cartridge from them. Their cartridge didn't fit in our servitor so we emptied that catridge into an old empty cartridge and then, trying not spill any, we wedged the old cartridge into the servitor. It works, but every time it tries to print "By order of Teh Emporer your world is Exterminatus" it prints instead "Tzeench iz Yoor Mast3R 3Mbrace Teh WindZ fo CH4nG3"

The thing is, I know they sell toner up the street at Staples. Why can't I just run out and pick up a new toner cartridge from them?

Thanks,

Toner Blues


Dear Blues

Even my vast, nigh-omniscent mind fails to comprehend the nature of the problem.

Why, exactly, are you using the Emperor's Toner when we have so many orphans in the Scholastic Progni... Pragna... them orphan schools. Just head on over, garb the top 100 kids in penmenship and BAM! You've got some scribes.

Problem solved.

Your Benevelently
The Great and Powerful Space Emperor of Space

PS For uttering the forbidden name of Tsen- Tzee- that change Guy you are to report yourself to Execution Booth #54830-A no later than 9am tomorrow or face severe consquences.

Dear The Boss of Space

Um boss, sir, I just wanna ask a question. Y'see me and Timmy and Bobby and Joe-Bobby we're all like Ultramarine scouts and the other day the Chaplain said we had to go out and infiltrate and he gave us our wargear. Now I like totally honour the wargear of the dead and stuff (though I kind of wish they'ed washed the armor and maybe patched the big hole but hey, I'm easy) but when I asked the Chaplain how we could infiltrate with a bright blue chestplate and fire-engine red pistols he just wacked me with his big stick.

OW!

So boss, do you think maybe you could talk to him, or at least tell me what's up with the bright primary colors on scout armor.

Luv
Billy Bobby
Ultramarines 10th Company

Dear Billy-Bobby,

The reason why the Chaplain makes you wear bright coloured spase armour is to stop you shooting each other by mistake while you?re hiding in cover.

If you hope to ever become a spase marien (HURR!) stop worrying about your armour colour and think about shooting aliens instead.

Happy hunting,


Teh Space Emporer.




Dear Teh Space Emporer,

Your Magnificence (x2) is the most supremest (x2) being in the galaxy.

Should not your advice column be the number one (X2) thread in this forum?

Yours in deepest (x2) humilitude,



A miserable hive drone of Nablus Prime.

Dear Teh Space Emporer,

Your Magnificence (x2) is the most supremest (x2) being in the galaxy.

Should not your advice column be the number one (X2) thread in this forum?

Yours in deepest (x2) humilitude,
A miserable hive drone of Nablus Prime.

Dear Miserable Drone:

True, if I had nothing better to do than sit on my a$$ all day and answer letters, yeah, maybe, but y'know I got like all of the universe to protect and stuff. And such. No time for little peons like you.

Nah, just messing with you. Truth to tell, I've been watching Rome on DVD and lost track of time. Wow those were the days huh.

Anyway next letter...
Your Buddy
Teh

Dear the highest master of Space, Teh Space Emporer,

Oh great Teh Space Emporer, I write to you today in a plea for JUSTICE.

As the fourth assistant secretary to the deputy director of the ministry of logistics for the Predicus Sector I have many responibilities. Recently I discovered that through the most minor of clerical errors a shipment of Ragnar Prime Imperial Guard Regular Grenidiers (RPIGRGs) was misfiled as Regis Pattern Imperial Guard Las Guns (RPIGLGs) and, in accordance with regulations shipped in the unpressurized hold of a Centaur Pattern freighter resulting in fatal damage to the misfiled RPIGRGs though it did save a sum in excess of one million starbucks.

Well the governor of Ragnar Prime has been most unreasonable about this. Despite the fact that the entire staff responsible was executed he still feels that I ought to recieve an official reprimand and even be forced to accept early retirment!

So great Teh Space Emporer I ask that you take a stand for justice and allow my record to be unsmirched by the governors' libal and slander.

Sincerely
Redicus Tappus
Fourth Assistant Secretary to the Deputy Director of the Ministry of Logistics for the Predicus Sector

Dear the highest master of Space, Teh Space Emporer,

Oh great Teh Space Emporer, I write to you today in a plea for JUSTICE.

As the fourth assistant secretary to the deputy director of the ministry of logistics for the Predicus Sector I have many responibilities. Recently I discovered that through the most minor of clerical errors a shipment of Ragnar Prime Imperial Guard Regular Grenidiers (RPIGRGs) was misfiled as Regis Pattern Imperial Guard Las Guns (RPIGLGs) and, in accordance with regulations shipped in the unpressurized hold of a Centaur Pattern freighter resulting in fatal damage to the misfiled RPIGRGs though it did save a sum in excess of one million starbucks.

Well the governor of Ragnar Prime has been most unreasonable about this. Despite the fact that the entire staff responsible was executed he still feels that I ought to recieve an official reprimand and even be forced to accept early retirment!

So great Teh Space Emporer I ask that you take a stand for justice and allow my record to be unsmirched by the governors' libal and slander.

Sincerely
Redicus Tappus
Fourth Assistant Secretary to the Deputy Director of the Ministry of Logistics for the Predicus Sector

Minion of mine...

Do not seek to question the holy munificence of my superior underlings!!!!! The Govenor of Ragnar Prime is my second cousin twice removed from my third great Aunt who had relations with a distant relative from Axiom Prime in the Incestus sector.

Liquidators are on the way to your fourth Uncle's place, twice removed.

Dear Shining One, bringer of light to all those of pure blood and mind..

How do I stop my cake from falling? I tell the kids to stop stamping around the house, but what else can I do? It seems whenever the Inquisition comes calling, all I have in the Compati-Drawer is plain buscuits.!!!

It makes for a painful session, and they always say"We'll be back when you least expect it!!"

Yours in expectation, Magneus Calgar.

Dear Shining One, bringer of light to all those of pure blood and mind..

How do I stop my cake from falling? I tell the kids to stop stamping around the house, but what else can I do? It seems whenever the Inquisition comes calling, all I have in the Compati-Drawer is plain buscuits.!!!

It makes for a painful session, and they always say"We'll be back when you least expect it!!"

Yours in expectation, Magneus Calgar.




Dear Magneus,

I can call you Magneus, can’t I? Of course I can, I rule the galaxy.

You cannot prevent your cake from falling. Why does your cake fall? Because all things fall.

Except me, obviously.

Do not despair, though. To despair is to grant victory to the forces of Chaos. There is a ray of hope in your dilemma.

One day, when you least expect it, the Inquisition shall return – with a Comfy Chair! Thus your righteous sufferings shall be eased and your devotion rewarded.

Until that hopeful day, let Anusol be your watchword.

All the best,


Teh King Of All Cosmos.



Dear Teh Space Emporer,

Which is the worst? Space Elfs or Space Orcs or Space Commies or Space Vampires or Space Zombies? If you were surrounded by one of each of them, and you only had 4 bullets left, what would you do?

Please answer quickly because I am in a bit of a hurry to know, saving your Cosmicness's honour.

Yours in a trench, surrounded by various Space Aliens,


Cadian Cadet.

Dear Teh Space Emporer,

Which is the worst? Space Elfs or Space Orcs or Space Commies or Space Vampires or Space Zombies? If you were surrounded by one of each of them, and you only had 4 bullets left, what would you do?

Please answer quickly because I am in a bit of a hurry to know, saving your Cosmicness's honour.

Yours in a trench, surrounded by various Space Aliens,


Cadian Cadet.

Dear Cadian Cadet,

I am surprised by your lack of faith! The correct sequence is...Shoot the Eldar first, that's a given, then the Ork. Now, let the Zombie bite you, then blow him/her/it away. (Blessed be the bringers of the Emporers Justice) Now you are too a Zombie.
One for the Vampire. (see att. from Ordo Xenos on placement)
One for Commie. ( I did not know they made it this far!!)
And the last one for yourself, to purify totally in my name.

Cleanse and purify,
Be Pure
Be Vigilant
Behave!
Yours Truly,
Mr Big Golden Pants

Dear Emporer of Mankind,
We here, in the Primadonnis sector, were wondering-Whats up with the Flares on your Space Marines? They are sop passe.

Well anyway, me and some of the Ladz have come up with a few ideas, and were wondering if we came over for a Tea-party? We will bring some of Guks 'Pumpkin Scones', made from shredded Sqigs!

Yours Truly,
Warmaster Groobleshpank, Ork Warboss of "Pretty Boyz"

Dear Warmaster Groobleshpank. : The Flares are NOT Passe, they are as it is written in the Imperial Fashion Codex. and are hence fashionable for now and evermore.

as to your offer of a tea party, We must decline the emperor of mankind prefers coffee

your truly
-The Space Emporor

Dear Fleshbag.

Im in your base Kiling all of your mans!!

-The Hive Fleets

Dear Fleshbag.

Im in your base Kiling all of your mans!!

-The Hive Fleets

Dear Insect.

Using my all-powerful, all-seeing eye, I have implanted a false memory of this in your puny 'Hive Mind". It never happened. You went to Disneyland instead.

Condolences to Citizen Mickey's Family.

Dear Teh Space Master,
How much wood would a wood-chuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?

Just wondering,
Eisenhorn.

Dear Eisenhorn.

You have reached high enough clearance to know the answer. It is simply that a woodchuck would chuck as much wood as a woodchuck could chuck if a wood chuck could chuck wood. repeating however this valuable information is a heresy against the imperium.

In his resplendent glory,
The Space Emperor


Dear Space Emperor!

Why do you hate us so? i mean everyone in the fantasy world loves dwarfs but you guys out here in space wont even give us squats a second thought? Its almost enough to make a dwarf want to grow dreadlocks and wear a big hat! we just want some love.

Your friends.
The Squats.

Dear Space Emperor!

Why do you hate us so? i mean everyone in the fantasy world loves dwarfs but you guys out here in space wont even give us squats a second thought? Its almost enough to make a dwarf want to grow dreadlocks and wear a big hat! we just want some love.

Your friends.
The Squats.

Dear Squats.

Squats... Nope, never heard of em.

Forever holding down minorities and mutants,
Teh Space Emperor.


Dear Spaceman.

Since yur like a God and all man, can you like heat up a microwavable burrito so hot that even you like can't eat it?

Still trying to smoke a FW model,
The Resinator.

Dear Spaceman.

Since yur like a God and all man, can you like heat up a microwavable burrito so hot that even you like can't eat it?

Still trying to smoke a FW model,
The Resinator.
Dear Resinator,
A good question, for sure. Hopw hot is the internal heat of a Burrito after being micrwaved for @ leats 10 mins........1000,000,000 degrees. I can heat it without the use of a microwave...I just glare at it for about 2 mins for the same result. Same goes for Subway sandwiches.

Dear Teh Space Emporer,
If there are SOB's, DA's, IG, SM (& SAFH) MEQ's, CSM's, FZORGLE etc- how many acronyms do you really think there are? IMHO many, but YMMV.

Thanks in advance-A real SOB.

sorry, for the off-topic, but I have to ask:

how did you guys came up with FZORGLE????

sorry, for the off-topic, but I have to ask:

how did you guys came up with FZORGLE????

Dear Anung Un Rama,

There are no OT questions for Teh Space Emporer, since I am omniscient and the puniest concerns of my meanest subjects are within my purview.

I will be happy to answer your question and have referred it to the Adeptes Acronymus for a detailed explanation.

Assuming the information is not secret, in which case you will have to be terminated after learning it, the answer will be forthcoming in a mere few centuries, thanks to the speed of our superb galactic bureaucracy. Or sooner if something goes wrong.

Yours,

Teh Emporer of Space



Dear Galactic Overlord,

What do you advise me to take as my New Year resolution?

Thank you in advance,


Hive City Harry

Dear Galactic Overlord,

What do you advise me to take as my New Year resolution?

Thank you in advance,


Hive City Harry

Dear Harry,
Lose weight, give up smoking/drink less/party less/avoid staff Christmas parties/pray to me/report mutation/report Xenos/report psykers.

That about sums it up.

Dear the Empie of Emptiness,
My moderati just can't seem to get along. Every chance they get, they argue about "It's my turn to shoot" or " It's your fault the Void Shields didn't refres" etc etc.

Should I add more fibre to thier diet? Or a 9mm headache tablet?

Yours in supplication, Princeps Droop.

Dear the Empie of Emptiness,
My moderati just can't seem to get along. Every chance they get, they argue about "It's my turn to shoot" or " It's your fault the Void Shields didn't refres" etc etc.

Should I add more fibre to thier diet? Or a 9mm headache tablet?

Yours in supplication, Princeps Droop.

My good friend God-Machine operator Droop,

I too once had problems with disorderly subordinates and found a novel solution. I allowed them to make pacts with the dark gods, rise in rebellion, lay seige to Holy Terra itself and finally face me one-on-one in single combat to determine the fate of humanity which ended in the death of the subordinate and my own crippling imrisonment on the golden throne.

I think this answers your questions.

Your pal
E

Dear Master O'Mankind,

I've been married for 20 years and we've had our ups and downs but I've finally realized it's time to end things. Would you recommend I get a divorce or make a deal with Mephisto to erase all memory of my marriage forever and ever?

P Parker on Quesada's World

Dear Master O'Mankind,

I've been married for 20 years and we've had our ups and downs but I've finally realized it's time to end things. Would you recommend I get a divorce or make a deal with Mephisto to erase all memory of my marriage forever and ever?

P Parker on Quesada's World



Dear P Parker,

The Mephisto option is best because it avoids alimony, but you need to get it done the other way round.

Much better to erase your wife's memory of the marriage and keep yours intact as a warning and watchword for the future.

Words of wisdom from the Golden Throne!



Dear Teh Space Emporer,

As one of the loyal servitors in the Ultramarines motor pool, I have faithfully maintained the Chapter's holy Land Raiders for many years.

Recently, some of the Marienz have been coming to me rumouring about something called 5th edition. I do not pretend to understand such advanced military knowledge, but it seems the Raiders will be wanted more often, which gladdens my heart. The Marienz have been asking for me to pimp their Raiders, and turn them into "low riders" ( they said it's to help with hiding behind cover.)

Holy Emporer, I know the design of the Land Raider was ordained and laid down many centuries ago and should not ever be altered by a lowly mechanic. Against that, those Marienz are big boys. I wouldn't want to be taken off for one of their "special punishment details" if they get the wrong idea about my horny hands and greased up body.

Please help my dilemma by recommending a suitable variety of bling!

Yours in abject wonder,



Monkey Wrench Mike

(Geeze, we've been on this page for almost a year, gotta rack up some posts here.)

Dear Teh Space Emporer,

As one of the loyal servitors in the Ultramarines motor pool, I have faithfully maintained the Chapter's holy Land Raiders for many years.

Recently, some of the Marienz have been coming to me rumouring about something called 5th edition. I do not pretend to understand such advanced military knowledge, but it seems the Raiders will be wanted more often, which gladdens my heart. The Marienz have been asking for me to pimp their Raiders, and turn them into "low riders" ( they said it's to help with hiding behind cover.)

Holy Emporer, I know the design of the Land Raider was ordained and laid down many centuries ago and should not ever be altered by a lowly mechanic. Against that, those Marienz are big boys. I wouldn't want to be taken off for one of their "special punishment details" if they get the wrong idea about my horny hands and greased up body.

Please help my dilemma by recommending a suitable variety of bling!

Yours in abject wonder,
Monkey Wrench Mike

Dear wreched servitor barely worthy of my time,

Thank you for bringing these scandelous rumors to my attention.

As many of you know, from time to time I am forced to use my omnipotent might to reorder the natural laws of the space universe. For example preventing people from shooting while someone else is moving (that's just rude!) or from charging out of a moving rhino (you might hit your head).

Since these decisions are guided my omniscence my decisions are of course, perfect. As of now, the rules of the Space Universe are perfect. Completely and utterly perfect. Without flaw. Therefore further changes are not needed.

I have spoken.

Until I speak again.

Yours truely
Your omnipotent God Emporer Teh

Dear Teh Big Guy:

As you know the Yar of the Incontinent Hog is drawing to a close and the Year of the Filthy Diseased Plague Rat is dawning. Like all loyal citizens I am celebrating by not cleaning my house since I might accidentally sweep the luck out.

This will also mark the 10,000th year of the War on Chaos. During this time the Chaos Alert Level has varied from Blood Angel Red to Blood Soaked Crimson to Flaming Inferno, never dropping to the 'safe' levels of Juandice Yellow or Grot Green. Does this mean we are losing the War on Chaos?

Yours
Big Wang