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Kid_Kyoto wrote:

Dear Teh Big Guy:

As you know the Yar of the Incontinent Hog is drawing to a close and the Year of the Filthy Diseased Plague Rat is dawning. Like all loyal citizens I am celebrating by not cleaning my house since I might accidentally sweep the luck out.

This will also mark the 10,000th year of the War on Chaos. During this time the Chaos Alert Level has varied from Blood Angel Red to Blood Soaked Crimson to Flaming Inferno, never dropping to the 'safe' levels of Juandice Yellow or Grot Green. Does this mean we are losing the War on Chaos?

Yours
Big Wang

Dear Big Wang *chortle*,

One of the first things they teach you in Deity School is not to give your worshippers the answers directly. You have to lead them to the correct conclusion. With that in mind, I'm sending you and friend on an extended vacation to the fabulous Eye of Terror! You'll fly coach on Air Imperialis Space Lines and you'll stay at...well, it doesn't matter where you stay; you'll be eaten by foul daemons before you can find a hotel.

Thanks for playing!
TSE

Dear Spacie McEmporer,

I'm writing to make you aware of a fantastic deal. AstroTelepathica & Transwarpcomms is now offering half off of all monthly plans*. Switch today and save!

AT&T

*Offer valid until 001M.42. Savings only applies to first telewarp call made. Other restrictions may apply. See your local AT&T representative for details.

Dear AT&T telemarketer,

My telepathic needs are faithfully covered my minions at the Empath Bureau, but I have a friend that it´s very interested in changing plans.
Please call 1-800-T Z E E N C H I´m sure he´ll love hearing from you.

Yours Truly.

Spacie McEmporer



Dear Emperor,

Dad has joined a new club and dyed his clothes pink. Now he wants me and mommy to join his blasphemous excess in his Bring-a-sacrifice Day. Should I worry and run away as my friend timmy says or obey my parents like a good girl?

Sleepless in Cadia

M.

Miguelsan wrote:

Dear Emperor,

Dad has joined a new club and dyed his clothes pink. Now he wants me and mommy to join his blasphemous excess in his Bring-a-sacrifice Day. Should I worry and run away as my friend timmy says or obey my parents like a good girl?

Sleepless in Cadia

M.

Dear Sleepless

There is a very simple rule I follow when assessing cults

Skull is smooth, get in the groove
Skull has spikes, YIKES!

So carefully watch the skulls this cult uses, if they are smooth or have feathered wings, just go along with what they say.
But if their skulls have horns or bat wings call your local Inquisitor.

Your Pal
Emporer O'Mankind

[b]Dear Great Space Emperor Teh Space Emporer:

I'm about to graduate middle school and am trying to choose a career.

I kind of like Hive Ganging, I already have a bandana and jean jacket, but I hear no one does it anymore.
I was also thinking of getting me arms lopped off and replaced with giant drill bits but I get claustraphobic and I wet my bed.
The Imperial Fists approached me to become a scout cause I'm real (x2) good with Legos but my buddy Phil says they wanna chop off my 'nads.
So now I'm thinking of the Imperial Guard cause they get super cool gear like flak vests and las guns.

What do you recommend?
All Grown Up

Kid_Kyoto wrote:Dear Great Space Emperor Teh Space Emporer:

I'm about to graduate middle school and am trying to choose a career.

I kind of like Hive Ganging, I already have a bandana and jean jacket, but I hear no one does it anymore.
I was also thinking of getting me arms lopped off and replaced with giant drill bits but I get claustraphobic and I wet my bed.
The Imperial Fists approached me to become a scout cause I'm real (x2) good with Legos but my buddy Phil says they wanna chop off my 'nads.
So now I'm thinking of the Imperial Guard cause they get super cool gear like flak vests and las guns.

What do you recommend?
All Grown Up

Dear AGU,

What am I? Teh Space Guidance Counselor? For wasting my time with a stupid (x2) question, you're going to become a Flying Skull. Have fun with that.

DJ Space Emporer

Dear Space Emporer,

Whatever happened to predictability? The milkman? The paperboy? Even TV?

Loyally Yours,
Danny T.

Dear Space Emporer,

Whatever happened to predictability? The milkman? The paperboy? Even TV?

Loyally Yours,
Danny T.

Well, Danny
In accordance with the Imperial Board of Efficiency and Management (long since disbanded for reasons of efficiency and management) Alpha-369189328, all predictability is Heresy. And of course, your average paperboy and milkman are psykers. And i need entertainment. So the fate of all these is quite simple. I consumed the milkmen and paperboys, and confiscated the TV's for own use. Now remember, doubting the order of MY universe (x2) is heresy. Please report to Ecclesiarchal Detail Omega-13131313 for shipment to Terra before 9. am or risk execution slightly before sundown delayed by the local riot of Slaanesh worshippers.

Teh Space Emporer.



Dear Teh Space Emporer,
Okay, so you eat like what, one thousand souls a day right? That's like, well, a lot, of dead guys each day. That's gluttony. Thats kinda excessive. Ever thought of converting to Chaos (again?)

Disloyally Yours,
Totally not your biggest fan, Slaanesh

Dear Teh Space Emporer,
Okay, so you eat like what, one thousand souls a day right? That's like, well, a lot, of dead guys each day. That's gluttony. Thats kinda excessive. Ever thought of converting to Chaos (again?)

Disloyally Yours,
Totally not your biggest fan, Slaanesh


Madame Slaanésh,

Clearly you must know, you eat what you are, and i am all that is man.

After having your ass googled by the departmento of the eternal cult of the most holy inter-net-of-webways, i received news that you yourself pride yourself with gluttony.
Being a collector of over a billion nipples now are we?

Excessive is such an elastic word anyways.

Totally donating his nips to your excessive collection
From the E. to the M. to the P.




Dear Teh Emperor,

whos a good boy?

Your mommy

double post sorry.

Dear Mommy

I am a good boy. Thanx Mommy.



Dear Emp of the Spaceness

Whatever happenened to the doom rider of doom? I always wanted to have a ride.

Lucius the eternal

Dear Emp of the Spaceness

Whatever happenened to the doom rider of doom? I always wanted to have a ride.

Lucius the eternal




Dear Lucius,

Doom rider met his demise as he didn't follow my decree and never wore his space helmet. Yes, his flaming red hair looked great, but statistics caught up with him when he went around Dead Man's Curve and wound up splattered upon one of The Emperor's Sacred Conifers.

Remember, always wear your helmet.






Dear The Space Emperor,

My father and I don't get along. Ever since I tried to warn him about that back stabbing older brother of mine, and he sent my other brother (the one who's always bullied me) to kill me, we just don't get along. What should I do?

Miserable Magnus in the Warp.

KiMonarrez wrote:Dear The Space Emperor,

My father and I don't get along. Ever since I tried to warn him about that back stabbing older brother of mine, and he sent my other brother (the one who's always bullied me) to kill me, we just don't get along. What should I do?

Miserable Magnus in the Warp.

Dear Magnus:

Well maybe if you had picked up an Emperor-Dmaned phone instead of using that sorcerery BS, that I told you a thousand times not to use cause yeah an army with 2 wounds does have a lot going for them but the rice just isn't worth it, then maybe I wouldn't have had to send my loyal but dumb as a brick son to knock some sense into you and of course it would have been a moot point if maybe you'd actutally taken your nose out of a book once in a while and gone to the gym you might have taken old Hairy-McRussalot instead of getting spanked like a little girl and going off running to the Nose of Horror.

Moral - Sorcery sucks.

EMP OUT!

Dear President McSpaceEmperor:

I am writing to warn you about one of the looming disasters of our time. In the last 5000 years Space Emissions have risen 40,000% causing the phenomia known as Galactic Warming.

Already temperatures across space have risen from 0 Kelvin to 0.0001 Kelvin.

At this rate we are in danger of seeing Saturn's Rings or Hally's Comet melt with disasterous consquences.

I call on you to sign the Spaceoto Pact to limit emmissions.

If we fit catalitic converters to our ships we can reduce the emissions on an Emperor-Class star ship from 1 gazillion tons to 1 bazillion tons!

Sincerely
The Frozen Head of Al Gore

Dear President McSpaceEmperor:

I am writing to warn you about one of the looming disasters of our time. In the last 5000 years Space Emissions have risen 40,000% causing the phenomia known as Galactic Warming.

Already temperatures across space have risen from 0 Kelvin to 0.0001 Kelvin.

At this rate we are in danger of seeing Saturn's Rings or Hally's Comet melt with disasterous consquences.

I call on you to sign the Spaceoto Pact to limit emmissions.

If we fit catalitic converters to our ships we can reduce the emissions on an Emperor-Class star ship from 1 gazillion tons to 1 bazillion tons!

Sincerely
The Frozen Head of Al Gore

Dear Liberal Icecube,
You've been listening to those communist liberal Tau entirely too much. Their technology is neither more advanced or superior to ours. The reason their hovering trash cans get better gas mileage than our impervious Land Raider is because they don't use Promethium, instead they fuel their monstrosities with the tears and dying cries of children. And do not be lured to the "Greater Good" because of their free health care system! It's all a terrible lie! So carry on my cryogenically frozen tree huger and put the proverbial pedal to the metal. Burn the fuels and the heretics!

Forever yours,
Teh Space Goddzorz


Dear Guy who's name we don't really know,

When you have a birthday do you put 40,000+ candles on your cake or do you just put one big one? And since you're like in a pickle jar do you blow them out or do you have Rogal Dorn do that for you too?

Yay Imperium,
B-day Boy from Cadia

Fool! my name is Teh God Emperor of SPAAACE. To your question... I put the 40,1234ONE!! candles on because well I likey watching minions do (40,000X) pointless tasks rofl. Speaking of minions rogal dorn is my foot rest right now! *kick*

I dont need to blow dem out fool. I iz a SPAAACE God. we can do all sorts of magic trix. Like today Im having a Tea party with the Nightbringer, he likes eating things too, we have soo much in common... *sigh*

Birthday boy of the SPACE


+++


Mister Emperor sir

Why is a death certificate in the front of my uplifting primer? it's not very uplifting. It's actually the opposite, do you hate the guard?

Guardsman Tuk

Shaman wrote:
Mister Emperor sir

Why is a death certificate in the front of my uplifting primer? it's not very uplifting. It's actually the opposite, do you hate the guard?

Guardsman Tuk

Dear Guardsman Tom, Tim, or whatever your name was,

I don't hate the guard, nor do I put those primers in everyone's books. That primer was sent to you and you alone. I suggest you flip it over, and wear it over your T-shirt/flak armor. The red concentric circles will allow me to focus my psychic might into protecting you, as long as you keep a healthy distance from your officer. Please write back to let me know how it turns out.

Sincerely, t3h spaze Emporer




+++

Dear Emporer of Space,

We surrender, and apologize sincerely for our rebellion. Please accept this basket of decorative psykers as a token of our contrition. Will you take us back?


Regretfully yours,
The Gods of Chaos

P.S. April's Fools! In your face, False Emperor!

Dear Emporer of Space,

We surrender, and apologize sincerely for our rebellion. Please accept this basket of decorative psykers as a token of our contrition. Will you take us back?


Regretfully yours,
The Gods of Chaos

P.S. April's Fools! In your face, False Emperor

D'oh!

Cuss you April Fool's Day! Not since the time I sent my space fortune to that Nigerian minister have I been gotten so muchly.
I'll get you next year! (Prepares holy whoopie cushion of antioch)

TSE

Dear Teh,

My boyfriend and I have been together for a while now and I like him and stuff but the fire has gone out of the relationship. I've been thinking of seeing other guys but I'm terrified of going back out in the dating scene.

What should I do?

Sarah from Sirius

Dear Teh,

My boyfriend and I have been together for a while now and I like him and stuff but the fire has gone out of the relationship. I've been thinking of seeing other guys but I'm terrified of going back out in the dating scene.

What should I do?

Sarah from Sirius

Dear Sarah,

Are you familiar with the "Daughters of the Emperor" social program? I've been thinking of bringing it back, as it's been a few millenia since that whole "Vandire" thing (messy business, that). Anywho, give the local arbites a call, I'll see your boyfriend is "taken care of", come to Holy Terra, I'll talk to the Praetorians, and we'll see what we can see.

Oh, and bring any other nubile friends you may have.


(slaanesh never had it so good)




Dear The Space Emprer,

I find that I have feelings for my best friend, but I just can't talk to her about it. She also is dating this jerk. What should I do?

Confused Karen

Dear The Space Emprer,

I find that I have feelings for my best friend, but I just can't talk to her about it. She also is dating this jerk. What should I do?

Confused Karen

Dear Karen,

My Emporer Wisdom tells me that many girls your age have similar feelings towards other women and that the healtiest thing to do is to give in to them, get a bottle of wine, some 'toys' and share your feelings with your friend.

Say around 8, Saturday night. And make sure you're in front of your Icon of the Emporer.

Looking forward to seeing you
Emp

[i]Dear Teh Space Emporer

My boyfriend Tim has had problems with alchol in the past but promised to stop drinking when he moved in. But some nights when he comes home from work I can smell the alchol on his breath. He denies it of course.
What should I do?

Sleepless on Saturn

Kid_Kyoto wrote:Dear Teh Space Emporer

My boyfriend Tim has had problems with alchol in the past but promised to stop drinking when he moved in. But some nights when he comes home from work I can smell the alchol on his breath. He denies it of course.
What should I do?

Sleepless on Saturn

Greetingsss, Sleeplessss,

Your boyfriend isss a ssshining exxxample and ssshould be commended for hisss deviousss waysss. Join with him in hisss bingesss, and give yoursself up to the beassst within.

N. Ottadaemon
pp Teh Spaze Emporor


Dear Sir,

I write to you on behalf of one M. Calgar, my client. He has employed me in regards to a wager involving himself, one R. Guilliman and yourself in which you allegedly bet, and I quote "my left nut and all the money in the Universe" that he would not survive the battle on MacGragge against Hive Fleet Perseus in 976.M41. As you can plainly see, my client is very much alive, and would like what's coming to him.

Yours etc.

Slimy McLawyerson
McLawyerson, Shafter and Boned, Attornies at Law

Dear Sir,

I write to you on behalf of one M. Calgar, my client. He has employed me in regards to a wager involving himself, one R. Guilliman and yourself in which you allegedly bet, and I quote "my left nut and all the money in the Universe" that he would not survive the battle on MacGragge against Hive Fleet Perseus in 976.M41. As you can plainly see, my client is very much alive, and would like what's coming to him.

Yours etc.

Slimy McLawyerson
McLawyerson, Shafter and Boned, Attornies at Law


You address me as master, lord or Teh, not sir, you little mutant! Calgar as usual misses the point.. who do you think saved him in that battle, it sure wasn't him. It was me! The fact that anyone is breathing is because of me, you'd do well to remember that.

However Smurfy the primarch will no doubt complain from statis if I dont give Calgar someones nut, so I volunteer yours, to refuse is hersery.

Good day


+++++

Dear Teh Space Emp

I represent a show called SpaceMTV cribs and we waz wondering if we could do a show about your palace... it would be cool.

Very Cool (yes it's my real name shutup!)

Dear Teh Space Emp

I represent a show called SpaceMTV cribs and we waz wondering if we could do a show about your palace... it would be cool.

Very Cool (yes it's my real name shutup!)

Dear Francis,

Let me start off by saying "I like the show you represent." I like the show you represent. I watch it frequently on my 200" flat screen 1080p (x2) LCD HDTV as I am strapped to a chair and have nothing else to do. It also allows me to keep tabs on those doing work in my name. The Crimson Fists episode is my favorite. "And here's the Armory. It's where we keep all of our high powered explo-" Hilarious!

Unfortunately, I have to deny your request. I wouldn't be able to show you around and the only cool stuff around here is my chair. It's got a Psyker Soul Intake so I never have to get out of the chair (which is good, because I can't), a pair joysticks hardwired in so I can play Starcraft (I love alternate history games), and a refridgerator for my bottles of Cristal. So no tour of my pad for you. Sorry to disappoint, Francis.

THE SPAAAAAAAAACE EMPORERRRRRRRRRR

Dear Mr. Emporer,

It has come to our attention that you rented some videos from us a while back and never returned them. The videos in question are "Starship Troopers 2", "Rear Window", and "Somewhere Under the Rainbow." If you return these videos immediately and pay 5,000,000 Space Bucks, we won't go to the press about your Squat pornography fetish.

Have a nice day,

Blockbuster Entertainment

Dear Mr. Emporer,

It has come to our attention that you rented some videos from us a while back and never returned them. The videos in question are "Starship Troopers 2", "Rear Window", and "Somewhere Under the Rainbow." If you return these videos immediately and pay 5,000,000 Space Bucks, we won't go to the press about your Squat pornography fetish.

Have a nice day,

Blockbuster Entertainment

Dear buster,

Squat, squat? what´s a squat.... I ate them all last ed. Muawhawhawhawhawhawhawhaw...cough! cough!.
Sorry! I got carried away. I don´t have those videos, Horus got them as part of the divorce settlement, please refer to his clones inside the Eye of Terror for further information.

The Sp. Emp.

PS: I´m still waiting for the release of the video "The Ulthawe XXX Council secret tapes"


Dear Daddy,

Are we there yet? I´m tired and lil bro here needs to go pee badly. How much until we arrive? Can we stop at the next McEmpire.

The 2 lost primarchs on a quest.

Dear Daddy,

Are we there yet? I´m tired and lil bro here needs to go pee badly. How much until we arrive? Can we stop at the next McEmpire.

The 2 lost primarchs on a quest.

Dear The 2 Lost Primarchs on a Quest,

I swear if I hear anymore complaining out of the two of you I'll turn your warp vessel around, and feed the both of into my Golden Couch!

Teh Space Emporer


Dear Teh Space Emporer,

I recently told the saga of the epic battle of Russ and Magnus to the Blood Claws, and frankly they've been looking at me differently. It's wierd I can't think of anything wrong with the battle of our Primarch with a big red one-eyed cyclops. I need some guidance.

Sincerely, Ragnar Blackmane

Dear Teh Space Emporer,

I recently told the saga of the epic battle of Russ and Magnus to the Blood Claws, and frankly they've been looking at me differently. It's wierd I can't think of anything wrong with the battle of our Primarch with a big red one-eyed cyclops. I need some guidance.

Sincerely, Ragnar Blackmane

Dear Ragnar:

I know the feeling, just the other day I was describing the time Lionel and I were back to back, our bolters ejaculating white hot death into the faces of our foes and all the Astropaths were like "Whoa TMI!"

I think these kids today have no discipline. I would recommend you take the Blood Claws down to the icey rivers of Fenris for a few rounds of naked water polo with the Long Fangs. That should learn them some respect.

Yours in me
Me

Dear the Spase Emporer

My boyfriend is always working! Last night we were having a romantic dinner and first he shows up an hour late, then he takes two calls during dinner and finally he says he has to leave and go back to the office!

I mean I hardly see him as it is and even when I see him he's half at work, what can I do?

Divided Loyalties on Dantueen

Dear the Spase Emporer

My boyfriend is always working! Last night we were having a romantic dinner and first he shows up an hour late, then he takes two calls during dinner and finally he says he has to leave and go back to the office!

I mean I hardly see him as it is and even when I see him he's half at work, what can I do?

Divided Loyalties on Dantueen

Dear Divided:

Cleary you do not respect this boyfriend of yours. I am constantly called away from my romantic rendezvous...um, meetings with sevreal able bodied strapping young neyophites to smite my enemies. Obviuosly your boyfriend is doing the same, destroying the evil in the galaxy is a never ending job, leave him alone and have dinner ready for when he returns! Perhaps he and I could smite together sometime....

Dear the Spase Emporer,

Why do I always see Space Marines running around without helmets on? Not only does it protect them from the environment that they are fighting in, but they are just asking to be shot in the head! Don't you think they should be wearing them at all times during a battle?

Confused and Helmeted on Terra

Dear the Spase Emporer,

Why do I always see Space Marines running around without helmets on? Not only does it protect them from the environment that they are fighting in, but they are just asking to be shot in the head! Don't you think they should be wearing them at all times during a battle?

Confused and Helmeted on Terra


Dear Confused and Helmeted,


This question admits of a very simple explanation.

Spase Mariens (Hurrr!) are the poster boys of the Imperium. Their numbers must constantly be renewed. Only continuous recruitment of the right kind of young man can fulfill the Spase Marienz needs. The kind of boy who is attracted by the beauteous manly visage of a Spase Marien whose mighty weapon is rigid in his fist as he prepares to spew white hot plasma and ravage the bodies of aliens and heretics with his beefy bayonet.

Obviously this is why a number of the men have their purple helmets retracted in any picture you may see. It is a simple matter of presenting the right image for recruitment posters.

I know how comforting a snug helmet can feel but you do not need it. You will no doubt experience more union with your battle brothers if you go without.

Simply grasp your helmet firmly, and gently manipulate it with one hand or the other, or both, until you feel it come off smoothly. Your brother Mariens will help you if you have any problems.

I hope my meaning is clear.

The Spase Emporer



Dear Emporer of Spase,

Recently I have been wondering why Spase Zombiez are made of metal. They should be made of dead Spase People like proper zombies. It’s not like there aren’t plenty of dead people around cos in your infinite wisdom and wars you are making them as quickly as possible.

Is this a disguised commentary on the state of Imperial Spase Society?

Yours in hope, Georgio Romerio.

Dear Emporer of Spase,

Recently I have been wondering why Spase Zombiez are made of metal. They should be made of dead Spase People like proper zombies. It’s not like there aren’t plenty of dead people around cos in your infinite wisdom and wars you are making them as quickly as possible.

Is this a disguised commentary on the state of Imperial Spase Society?

Yours in hope, Georgio Romerio.

Dear hoping romerio,

Its my pleasure to ensure there are enough materials to create spase zombiez.The great task of dead spase people is not easy to fulfill and my sons didn't help me as they should!
The metal things you have seen are spase skeletons not spase zombiez,don't mix that!
All of the zombiez got used to work at my administratum and i'm happy to task you of a pilgrimage to Intra primaris,
cloister 104,cell 3728 for further castigation...ahem explanation I mean.
As its common, there is no disguise of imperial spase society, theres only my Imperial truth.

Teh spase emporer


beloved father,

my brethren and I got always laughed at,people don't understand why its necessary to wear feathers and robes.
We tried to combine this with black and it won't do well,changed to green and also noone applauds.

What can we do to be accepted like others in our apperance?

Your son, Azrael

beloved father,

my brethren and I got always laughed at,people don't understand why its necessary to wear feathers and robes.
We tried to combine this with black and it won't do well,changed to green and also noone applauds.

What can we do to be accepted like others in our apperance?

Your son, Azrael

Azrael, my dear son,

All your brethren need to do to be accepted is to find some playmates and invite them back to The Rock to stay. I hear you have plenty of room for visitors accommodation already. Soon once you have invited around everyone who used to wear feathers and robes you can start on the other people who have not.

have fun now

Teh Space Emporer

Dear the Space Emporer

I was driving along smiting orks in your holy name all bolters firing when suddenly our fire control was hit by the fifth edition bug. Which is silly really because our Leman Russ has no machine spirit.
So Right Sponson Gunner Andy fires his heavy bolter at the orks, but it was Front Gunner Micky's turn to smite them, and Left Sponson Gunner Tim cannot be fired because its not his turn yet. However my cupola heavy stubber is still working, but the twin linked autocannon cannot fire either.
I am confused.

Who has the right to smite?

Let Down in a Leman Russ

Dear the Space Emporer

I was driving along smiting orks in your holy name all bolters firing when suddenly our fire control was hit by the fifth edition bug. Which is silly really because our Leman Russ has no machine spirit.
So Right Sponson Gunner Andy fires his heavy bolter at the orks, but it was Front Gunner Micky's turn to smite them, and Left Sponson Gunner Tim cannot be fired because its not his turn yet. However my cupola heavy stubber is still working, but the twin linked autocannon cannot fire either.
I am confused.

Who has the right to smite?

Let Down in a Leman Russ

It is the dawning of the fifth age of mankind, all that was is not and all that is was not!

Embrace change for my infallible wisdom has created the one true perfected set of rules.

For at least 3 more years.

Cheers!
TSE

Dear the Space Emperor of Space

I have a big problem, I'm getting teased. A lot. I'm a scout with the Imperial Fist (go Dorn!) and the night I joined I was so (x2) sad that I wet my bunk.

Ever since then the other scouts have been calling me a 'HETERO' and I complained to the Chaplain and he just hit me with that big stick of his and called me a sissy little girl lover!

But I'm not a hetero! It's not my fault I wet the bunk! What can I do to make them stop?

Sincerely
Whinus Maximus

Kid_Kyoto wrote:
Dear the Space Emperor of Space

I have a big problem, I'm getting teased. A lot. I'm a scout with the Imperial Fist (go Dorn!) and the night I joined I was so (x2) sad that I wet my bunk.

Ever since then the other scouts have been calling me a 'HETERO' and I complained to the Chaplain and he just hit me with that big stick of his and called me a sissy little girl lover!

But I'm not a hetero! It's not my fault I wet the bunk! What can I do to make them stop?

Sincerely
Whinus Maximus

Dear Whinus

I suggest you cutely ask your 10th company captain to outfit your squad with shotguns. Once your squad is shotgun armed then many persons from the Norh American habzones on Terra will get into the habit of calling the entire squad 'gay'. Strange use of the vernacular perhaps, but at least you wont feel so alone.

Dorn's boss.


Dear Teh Space Emporer

Pages keep on disappearing from the Holy Internet, I could get certain pages when I was on Cadia, but now I am back on Hung Lo most of these have "verily thy page cannot be displayed." markers. My favourite sites barely100bieltanbabes.com.eld and free-dongwong.net are unavailable I can still get to favouritehymnals.imp though so I know my home servitor is still working properly.

Is something wrong with the local servitors, has there been another warp outage? Freedongwong was a popular site on Cadia and had to install an extra machine spirit , and the other once was on the Exemptus list. The ecclesiastacy records scribe said it had been declared holy after the morning when Sanguinius made a suprise visit to the palace cambers.

Adeptus Nerdy from Hung Lo.

Dear Teh Space Emperor

Could you turn that Music down Already?
I mean, seriously! We're over here on Mars, dedicatedly working in your name and we can still hear you partying through the vacuum of space!
OMG!!!

-Angry Neighbors Titan Legion Adept, Karl SHUTTHEHELLUPALREADYPLEAZ

Always angry neighbour,

Could you please work harder to repair that golden chair I'm sittin on?
If not,I'll turn up the volume until this of Adeptus Mechanicus gets faster to my request of repair!

Teh "Mr party himself " Space Emporer



Dear master of Gue'la

you seem to be more dead than alive and we,the followers of the greatest store of goods,may offer you a weekend holiday or two.
its a priceless offer,no need to have some special credit card or such.Easy to attain, we have the perfect place for your exitement.
Just a few parsec's away our new Try of error resort has a "imperial" suite only reserved for you!
If you mind to use our service please contact us.

To take your order we have only a few questions:

Do you bring any Pets (wolves), special entertainment wishes (mud,blood,rage),or a diet plan to fulfill ?

Don't resist to call us 12 h a Day!

can't wait to have you as our guest Aun'Va