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Dear master of Gue'la

you seem to be more dead than alive and we,the followers of the greatest store of goods,may offer you a weekend holiday or two.
its a priceless offer,no need to have some special credit card or such.Easy to attain, we have the perfect place for your exitement.
Just a few parsec's away our new Try of error resort has a "imperial" suite only reserved for you!
If you mind to use our service please contact us.

To take your order we have only a few questions:

Do you bring any Pets (wolves), special entertainment wishes (mud,blood,rage),or a diet plan to fulfill ?

Don't resist to call us 12 h a Day!

can't wait to have you as our guest Aun'Va


Dear Filthy Xenos

I, the Great Space Emperor am not in need of a vacation
After all, my palace in not just a place for me to sit forever bored out of my ing head.
No, It is the HAWTEST night club in the UNIVERSE
Why do you think I left the great crusade after Ullanor to go to Terra, only to have like 3/4 of my astartes show up a few years later. Pertuabo was all liek "Hey WTF why does Dorn get to build yor Orgyhouse?" and I was all like "woah, awkward." Then a bunch more uninvited legions showed up asking why they weren't invited. Sanguinius, my bouncer at the time, said "No passess, no asses", which to me didnt make sense but whatever. Anyway they were all pissed out side and started moshing really x2 hard and destroyed like half my palace. I was all like WTF guys no inappropriate dancing. Get out of my nightclub. So they left and started going to this wierd new Nightclub called the Blood shot eye or Palace of terror or something like that. I really don't want to know cause I heard those places are hella creepy. liek x2 creepy with whips and blood and domination and gak.
Anyway, my nightclub is where its at
Perhaps you would like a VIP pass? And FYI Custodes are just janitors who liek to party, so no need to worry there

Your most party-hardy emperor of space,
Teh Space Emperor



Dear the Space Emperor

Last week I found myself in need of the Holiest of holy Handgrenades. But when I opened my book of armaments, I had found that it's contents had been desecrated by insolent neophytes. Soo, I was hoping you could help me with the following question:
When using the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch, to which number should I count, before tossing it at my foe, who, being naughty in my sights, shall snuff it?

-Brother Maynard, Chaplain of the Black Templars

Dear the Space Emperor

Last week I found myself in need of the Holiest of holy Handgrenades. But when I opened my book of armaments, I had found that it's contents had been desecrated by insolent neophytes. Soo, I was hoping you could help me with the following question:
When using the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch, to which number should I count, before tossing it at my foe, who, being naughty in my sights, shall snuff it?

-Brother Maynard, Chaplain of the Black Templars

Dear Bro M,

Hmm. Well, the only copy of the Book of Armaments I have handy is the one Dorn used to use as his "bathroom reading." So, let me see here. Yep. The pages are stuck together. I guess I have to assume this "Holy" hand grenade of which you speak is not in here which means you are using unsanctioned weaponry and are therefore made of wood. BURN THE WOOD MAN!! or some such.

Emporer of Space, Teh Emporer of Space


Dear Great Space Emperor in the Sky,

I was walking down the street one day, and a man came up to me and asked me what the time was on my watch. And I said, "None of your business! Get your own damn watch!" So he said, "I can't wear a watch. It would slide right off," and he pulled off his gloves to reveal that he has slimy tentacles for arms! Now I was all like, "AHHH!!! Xenos and/or Daemon and/or Mutant!" So I kneed him in the balls until he fell over, and then I took a nearby brick and bashed his tentacle arms until he bled to death.

That was when I noticed this guy was my buddy Jim, and he was wearing plastic bags covered in Gak on his arms. Oh, that Jim! Such a card! Always the practical joker! I have to admit man, you got me good! I laugh about it even now! Ha ha!

Anyways, this is a justifiable homicide, right? I'm not going to be sent to penal colony or anything for this?

The Loyalest Loyal Guy Ever

Dear Great Space Emperor in the Sky,

I was walking down the street one day, and a man came up to me and asked me what the time was on my watch. And I said, "None of your business! Get your own damn watch!" So he said, "I can't wear a watch. It would slide right off," and he pulled off his gloves to reveal that he has slimy tentacles for arms! Now I was all like, "AHHH!!! Xenos and/or Daemon and/or Mutant!" So I kneed him in the balls until he fell over, and then I took a nearby brick and bashed his tentacle arms until he bled to death.

That was when I noticed this guy was my buddy Jim, and he was wearing plastic bags covered in Gak on his arms. Oh, that Jim! Such a card! Always the practical joker! I have to admit man, you got me good! I laugh about it even now! Ha ha!

Anyways, this is a justifiable homicide, right? I'm not going to be sent to penal colony or anything for this?

The Loyalest Loyal Guy Ever

Dear Mr. Loyal

I see nothing wrong in here. In fact I wish more of my subjects showed your zeal. Therefore I have ordered the Inquisition to induct you into the Most Holy 23rd Martyrs Brigade where you and your trusty brick will help defend the Imperium against Abaddon's 14th Black Crusade.

No need to thank me.

TGE

My beloved father the Space Emperor,

Father I have recently learned that your faithful son Horus has been corrupted by the daemonic forces you warned us of! You must immediately prepare yourself against his treason!

Due to the urgent nature of this message I will also attempt to contact you by sorcery if I do not get a swift reply.

Your son
Maguns D'Red

NOTE - This letter was delayed due to an error in the address. Please inform the sender it should be sent to 'Teh Space Emporer'. The Imperial Postal System regrets the delay

My beloved father the Space Emperor,

Father I have recently learned that your faithful son Horus has been corrupted by the daemonic forces you warned us of! You must immediately prepare yourself against his treason!

Due to the urgent nature of this message I will also attempt to contact you by sorcery if I do not get a swift reply.

Your son
Maguns D'Red

NOTE - This letter was delayed due to an error in the address. Please inform the sender it should be sent to 'Teh Space Emporer'. The Imperial Postal System regrets the delay

*side note 1* to regret is not enough! punishment will follow! TSE
*side note 2* with newly encouraged speed working imperial postal system

Dear dreaded maguns,

you should remember how often I have told you to keep your greedy little fingers from sorcery!
see what happened! My newly build webgate went crazy with your unwary interference! Can't you be more careful?

Further i have to inform you that this ?§%&@& Horus is NOT my son.sorry.Wanted all the time 20 sons and when
I was at the incubation chamber I realized my mistake.sorry. An accident. so sorry.
Sadly,with horus I lost the only daughter I had.*weeps*
*weeps more*
*sniff*

Teh very unhappy emporer of the now unimportant spase


Dear primary commander of all courageus and honorful! Mightiest emporer ever! Undebated ruler of spase!

I have now lost my faith in our way.For a long period of time i was sitting undisturbed on my throne (unworthy copy of yours)
and contemplating over my primarch and how I could be so unmoving as he is.
But then it ... i dare not to say.....but I must! Dear creator of us marines. Someone had changed our codex!
This is unbearable! The holy work of gullyman consecrated!
They installed a wicked rule,called ...oh inquisition forgive me .... COUNTS AS !
Now there was a Day when I went to battle and the unbelievable,almost traitorous trickery became reality.
This Counts As had copied me! The whole battlefield full of me! I ran to your temple as fast as i could.
My beloved emporer, i am in need. You must save me from Counts As!
I hate to plea for mercy,but my honour has left me as my courage did.

Please,dear spase emporer the rescue your faith-lacking servant!

MC coolest of CM *if its ultra its blue*

Dear Teh Space Emperor,

Looking for HOT singles in the Greater Eye of Terror region?
They're waiting for you!!! Click HERE now!!!!

Teh most uber l33t haxor eber.

Why yes, I am looking for hot singles! Thank you for your kind note.

Just let me click there...

>Warning Firewall has blocked a virus!!

What? But I want to see the HOT SINGLES!

CLICK! CLICK!

>Warning Firewall has blocked a virus!!

Fie on you Firewall! Am I not the Emporer of Spase?

CLICK! CLICK!

>Disable Firewall? Y/N

Yes! Yes! A thousand times yes! I shall see the HOT SINGLES! This I command!

>WARNING! VIRUS INFESTATION! GOLDEN THRONE OS DISABLE%20ERROR252%20H4!L574NN35H!

Oh poo... Now where did I put the Adeptus Mech help line number...

The Emp of Spa

Dear Coach Space Emperor

The 40,000AD Spacelympics are finally over! I love them, expecially how Mikhail Phelipus won 8x10^23 metals in Water Killin'. And I know that a lot of people think Beach Volley Fire is not a real event, since it's just the same as Volley Fire except you're on sand and wear swimming costumes but once I saw I really appreciated the differences.

But what do you think about the controvercy that some of the Red Space Marines were too young? Spacelympics rules say only Scouts aged 16 and over can enter the Sneaky Killin' event but anyone could clearly see the Red Space Marine scouts had the fire buttocks and smooth skin of a 14 year old scout. And because they were so young had had an advantage and could win the Weapons Grade Plutonium Metal while the Blue Space Marines only got the Mythril metal and the Other Blue Space Marines got the Gold-Press Latinum metal. What do you think?

Spacelympics Fan

hahahaha that's hilarious
I love this thread

CplPunishment wrote:hahahaha that's hilarious
I love this thread

By my beard! You dare mock the words of the Space Emporer?!

I command mine Inquisitors to decapitate thine head!

However I recognize your words were not meant as a true insult, just a slip of the tongue, therefore your sentence shall be halved. Mine Inquisitors will cut halfway through thine neck instead.

No need to thank me.

Your friend
Teh

Dear the Commander in Chief

Right now we are trying to pick a new Warmaster for the Space Marine chapters and there are two main candidates. One is a gazillion years old and chose a Girl Space Marine (who is only S3T3) as his running mate. However the other is a Black Space Marine and as you know no Black Space Marine has ever held the rank of Warmaster.

Who should I vote for?

Your Truly
Voter on Venus

Dear Voter on Venus,

As has been previously stated, all voting and democratic selection is heretical in nature and will be swiftly and concisely responded to by Ordo Exterminatus. Please submit the names and locations of the party officials coordinating this event and perform the Rites of Flagellation and Debasement the required seven hundred and seventy-seven times to cleanse this besmirchment from your record. Besides, there are NO girl Space Marienz... only those traitorous marines that become twisted mutations of Chaos have girly parts! And how can that Black Space Marine be a Warmaster if he isn't bald and hardly yells? Answer: he can't!

In any case, I've appointed Russ "le Man" Perot Warmaster (as soon as he gets back with that cold 12-pack I sent him to the store for).

Omniscent as Always,
Teh


Dear Spase Emporer,

When the last rogue trader came to town, he had a bunch of peoples with him, even an evil baby-eating space elf. What I don't get is there was an Inquisitor with him and he was pals with the evil space elf. They blowed up the gang of orkses living in the underhive, but I bet that space elf ate some babies while he was here. Please, Spase Emporer, tell me how a good guy and a bad guy can be friends?

Yours Faithfully,
Confused in Necromunda

Dear Spase Emporer,

When the last rogue trader came to town, he had a bunch of peoples with him, even an evil baby-eating space elf. What I don't get is there was an Inquisitor with him and he was pals with the evil space elf. They blowed up the gang of orkses living in the underhive, but I bet that space elf ate some babies while he was here. Please, Spase Emporer, tell me how a good guy and a bad guy can be friends?

Yours Faithfully,
Confused in Necromunda



Dear Confused,

You should have paid more attention in school, then you would know that “evil baby-eating space elf” is a tautology. Its use in Imperial communications channels is a proscribed wastage punishable by deportation to the Imperial ink mines of Scribus 9.

I have only permitted the repetition of your grievous sin in my holy advice column for the purpose of righteous instruction of younger minds in the serious matter of misuse of scribal services.

Teh Spase Emporer




Most Holey Emporer of Spase,

Recently I was reading some educational literature about the mighty struggle of the Adeptes Astartes, when I came across an argument concerning the correct terminology in Low Gothic to refer to these most esteemed protectors of Mankind.

Please enlighten me, is the correct name Spase Mareins, or Spase Marienz?

(Hurr!)

Yours in anticipation of enlightenment,


Avid Warfan.

Most Holey Emporer of Spase,

Recently I was reading some educational literature about the mighty struggle of the Adeptes Astartes, when I came across an argument concerning the correct terminology in Low Gothic to refer to these most esteemed protectors of Mankind.

Please enlighten me, is the correct name Spase Mareins, or Spase Marienz?

(Hurr!)

Yours in anticipation of enlightenment,


Avid Warfan.

Dear Warfan

We are quite lax on the spelling and punctuation so long as a suitable writing medium is used. In your instance spell the common name of the Adeptus Astartes however you please, so long as you do so in crayon.

Yours

The Emperor of Space


Dear the Spase Emporer

We all just heard of this Hasbro dude, and are a little anxious. Is he the Necron guy on Mars about to wake up and gobble the whole Imperium?

Worried on Wotan IV

Dear the Spase Emporer

We all just heard of this Hasbro dude, and are a little anxious. Is he the Necron guy on Mars about to wake up and gobble the whole Imperium?

Worried on Wotan IV


Dear Worried,

Nobody on Mars could ever swallow the whole Imperium. Twelve thousand years ago I had them all line up and try. Ah, those were the days...

DJ Teh-Emp-O-Man


Dear Boss,

I was wondering if I could try on the lightning claws for a while, or maybe just a chainsword. The Gauntlets of Ultramar don't get any lighter. Just for a little while. Please?

Marnie

Dear Boss,

I was wondering if I could try on the lightning claws for a while, or maybe just a chainsword. The Gauntlets of Ultramar don't get any lighter. Just for a little while. Please?

Marnie


Marnie, Marnie, Marnie... I warned you, I warned you more than once that those wardrugs would lead to elephantitis of the forearms. But you didn't listen. I mean honestly, would I send an I5 character out into battle with POWER FISTS if I had a choice. The techmarines tell me at this point they're going to have to cut you out of the guantlets when you die.

Sincerely
The Imperial Space Emperor of Space

Dear Teh Space Emporer

I think I'm getting forgetful in my old age, I mean I was assaulting a heretic Land Raider and reached for my melta bomb and it wasn't there. It was just there a week ago! What happened?

Sincerely
Techmarine Edison Von Tesla

[i]Dear Teh Space Emporer

I think I'm getting forgetful in my old age, I mean I was assaulting a heretic Land Raider and reached for my melta bomb and it wasn't there. It was just there a week ago! What happened?

Sincerely
Techmarine Edison Von Tesla

Dear Subject,

The machine god is fickle. I was stuck in this golden heap of crap for seven thousand years before I could even get my email to work and answer you guys, let alone those Lords of Terra.

I've gotten to know the machine god pretty well over the years though - no respect, just understanding. As far as I can tell all sorts of heretical nonsense is going on under the guise of 'prayer' by the Mechanicus, and it's time for it to end.

Here's an excerpt from the up-to-date daily procedure. The times are not a 'guide only'. Base your OTHER tasks AROUND these times. Copy and paste them into your console if you like:

05:04:34am - 05:04:56am After initial morning boot-up, praying, stimulant injections, oil checks, etc., face Mars (your mars-pattern hyper-antikythera plugin should handle this for you) and recite the tenets of the machine god; "I LIKE MACHINES. MACHINES ARE MY FRIEND. IF A MACHINE WERE A NICE YOUNG LADY I'D [insert personal devotion here]." 05:04:57am - 05:05:10am Replace any unused meltabombs with fresh ones. Avoid meltabombs that have developed an odour, or are in fact miniature fire-extinguishers disguised as incendiary charges. These are respectively [i]stinky[/i] and [i]useless[/i]. Not at all fitting, and an insult to the machine lord. 05:45:02am - 05:45:03am Calculate ammunition remaining. This should be the thirteenth time you have done so today. If there are any other checks that have not been performed the [i]required thirteen times[/i], also perform these IMMEDIATELY. 06:58:22am - 07:04:32am ....

I think you get the idea, my humble servant. If you meltabomb isn't there, you've probably annoyed the spirits that be. Even if this does not extend logically, your week-long neglect of the holy meltabomb-check means you have been chronically failing at your requirements! Fortunately for you I'm not the machine god. I'm not even Jewish. As long as you've been praying to me thirteen HUNDRED times a day, regularly checking that your children aren't mutants, and using the turn signals on your Arkhan Land Battle Tank, you're off the hook... THIS TIME.

The EEEEMMMPEROOOAAAARRRR!!!


Dear Space Emperor

Where do human souls go when they die, and what do I have to do to not get eaten by the scary monsters?

Penny "+M41.01/e174report//inquis/subjectarcadum00224325044/..."apparently not a mutant"" the Little Girl

Dear Space Emperor

Where do human souls go when they die, and what do I have to do to not get eaten by the scary monsters?

Penny "+M41.01/e174report//inquis/subjectarcadum00224325044/..."apparently not a mutant"" the Little Girl

Well Little Girl, if you are a good little girl and say your prayers every night and purge the unclean every day then you can come live in my magical castle on the moon and eat ice cream every day.

You do like ice cream don't you?

But if you are a bad little girl and question authority then you'll be eaten up be scary monsters!

Sincerely
Teh Space Emporer
(Totally not a scribe with a rubber stamp)

Dear the Imperial Space Emporer of Space

Recently my Viscount of the Treasurtorium came to me and said my planetary economy was ruined because his friends on Bulwark Street spent all their money on baseball cards and Franklin Mint Lord of the Rings Limited Edition Collector Plates.

He said unless I give him $700 Qunitillion Starbucks, a new car and the hand of my virgin daughter we will all have to wear barrels and eat cat food. he also said don't ask stupid questions about what he's going to do with the money cause he's a smart guy and he'll use it well.

Should I give it to him?

Sincerely
Space Guvunah Dubah of Planet Dirt

Kid_Kyoto wrote:

Dear the Imperial Space Emporer of Space

Recently my Viscount of the Treasurtorium came to me and said my planetary economy was ruined because his friends on Bulwark Street spent all their money on baseball cards and Franklin Mint Lord of the Rings Limited Edition Collector Plates.

He said unless I give him $700 Qunitillion Starbucks, a new car and the hand of my virgin daughter we will all have to wear barrels and eat cat food. he also said don't ask stupid questions about what he's going to do with the money cause he's a smart guy and he'll use it well.

Should I give it to him?

Sincerely
Space Guvunah Dubah of Planet Dirt

700 Quintillion Starbucks? What's he going to do with all those coffee house franchises? While their products are delicious (I start every day with a half-caf Pskyer Soul Latte), I don't have any authority over starting up their shops. You'd have to contact their offices at 100 Terra Tr., The Good Side of Terra, 12345, Terra.

Wait, did you mean spacebucks? Hmm. That is a lot of money, but I have an idea. Give him his car first, but let him pick it out. If he goes for something foreign like a stylish and fuel efficient Iyandai or a luxurious Slanneshi-Benz, burn him immediately. In fact, burn him unless he picks a Land Charger, but not just any Land Charger. It's got to be an orange one with the Imperial Eagle on the roof like the General Macharius from The High Lords of Hazzardus Prime. Man, I love that show. Bo Highlord and Gaylord Highlord are always on the run from Warboss Hogg.

Anyways, if that's the car he picks, I guess you better fire up the printers and make him $700 quintillion spacebucks.

Teh Ecomonist of Space

Dear Emp Spazzy,

I am currently sitting in my cubicle, trying to pen the next edition of the Imperial Galactic Building Code, and the scribe next to me just won't shut up! He talks about everything incessantly, from the economy to sports to office gossip. It's so bad, I can't get any work done. How can I quiet him without getting a reputation as the office jerk?

Unacceptably, Obscenely, Incredibly, Extremely Annoyed.

Dear Emp Spazzy,

I am currently sitting in my cubicle, trying to pen the next edition of the Imperial Galactic Building Code, and the scribe next to me just won't shut up! He talks about everything incessantly, from the economy to sports to office gossip. It's so bad, I can't get any work done. How can I quiet him without getting a reputation as the office jerk?

Unacceptably, Obscenely, Incredibly, Extremely Annoyed.

Dear Unacceptably

This is just not on, to have the Emperors servants disrupted during their work. And you worry about being considered a jerk. Well I know just the answer for you. I have personally ordered that you be removed ever so temporarily from your office by the Medicae and thence transfered to the Adeptus Mechanicus for conditioning as a servitor. Then lots of exciting things will happen to you. First you will lose a lot of those annoying frontal lobes you dont really need in your position, though you might keep some long enough for calibration for the cortex implants. This also means that you will be concious throughout the transformation process and wont miss out on any of the fun!
By late next wek you will be back at your office and utterly undistractable from your work. Noone will ever have need to think you are a jerk again. What service, eh!
Hurry now, the medicae are at the office door, and thoughtfully all other exits too. I see no reason why I should make you wait. The adventure can start right now.

Yours
Teh Spase Emporer

Dear the Spase Emporer

Why are Land Speeder storms so much scarier that everyone else? I feel kind of inadequate.

Mr B. Thirster

Can i just as a question?

Dear the spase emporer

why do space marines get a new codex when the last dark eldar one was like 12 years ago.

your truly Rotting cultist of nurgle.

Xav wrote:Can i just as a question?

Dear the spase emporer

why do space marines get a new codex when the last dark eldar one was like 12 years ago.

your truly Rotting cultist of nurgle.

Dear Rotting cultist of Nurgle.

Yes, but only one per letter.

Teh Space Emporer.

Orks have taken over the Imperial mail room:

You answer the question (as Emperor)
then you ask one (to Emperor)

where were we:

Dear Emp Spazzy,

I am currently sitting in my cubicle, trying to pen the next edition of the Imperial Galactic Building Code, and the scribe next to me just won't shut up! He talks about everything incessantly, from the economy to sports to office gossip. It's so bad, I can't get any work done. How can I quiet him without getting a reputation as the office jerk?

Unacceptably, Obscenely, Incredibly, Extremely Annoyed.

Dear Unacceptably

This is just not on, to have the Emperors servants disrupted during their work. And you worry about being considered a jerk. Well I know just the answer for you. I have personally ordered that you be removed ever so temporarily from your office by the Medicae and thence transfered to the Adeptus Mechanicus for conditioning as a servitor. Then lots of exciting things will happen to you. First you will lose a lot of those annoying frontal lobes you dont really need in your position, though you might keep some long enough for calibration for the cortex implants. This also means that you will be concious throughout the transformation process and wont miss out on any of the fun!
By late next wek you will be back at your office and utterly undistractable from your work. Noone will ever have need to think you are a jerk again. What service, eh!
Hurry now, the medicae are at the office door, and thoughtfully all other exits too. I see no reason why I should make you wait. The adventure can start right now.

Yours
Teh Spase Emporer

Dear the Spase Emporer

Why are Land Speeder storms so much scarier that everyone else? I feel kind of inadequate.

Mr B. Thirster

Dear the Spase Emporer

Why are Land Speeder storms so much scarier that everyone else? I feel kind of inadequate.

Mr B. Thirster


Don't worry B,

Its because the Adeptus Mechanicus have finally said that the design they found 3,476 years ago in the bottom of a locked filing cabinet is actually a Cerberus launcher and have fitted it on the new Land Speeder Storms.

Now, as any good resident of hell (such as yourself) will know, Cerberus is a 3-headed dog that works as your bouncer. I even hear that your boss Mr. K. Horne had one made out of a pet fleshhound!

Just imagine how scary it would be if a flying brick full of butch young men started throwing a barrage of 3-headed dogs at you?

I know it would scare the cr@p out of me...

Yours reaching for the pedigree chum,

Teh Spase Emp and Dog Whisperer


Dear Mr Emporer of Spase,

My friend Billy keeps buying toys from the big black toyshop with the red and yellow sign outside.

He says the toys are ok cos you can buy toys of Spase Marienz and Inkwisitors and stuff like that, but I've seen him buy toys of little purple girls with big boobies and fat little green men who like to pick their noses and my mummy says that's not right.

What should I do about my friend Billy and what should I do about the evil black toyshop with the red and yellow sign?

I love you Spase Emporer,

Little Johnny

Chimera_Calvin wrote:Dear Mr Emporer of Spase,

My friend Billy keeps buying toys from the big black toyshop with the red and yellow sign outside.

He says the toys are ok cos you can buy toys of Spase Marienz and Inkwisitors and stuff like that, but I've seen him buy toys of little purple girls with big boobies and fat little green men who like to pick their noses and my mummy says that's not right.

What should I do about my friend Billy and what should I do about the evil black toyshop with the red and yellow sign?

I love you Spase Emporer,

Little Johnny

Dear Little Johnny:

I know it can be disturbing to see your friend buying Green Monsters and Space Demons from the friendly neighborhood =I= approved Galactic Weaponsdepot (GW) store but that's fine because the only way to kill the enemy is to understand the enemy. How to kill it at least. Besides, boys your age need something to occupy their idle hands and burning desires lest they stray to other, naughty pursuits.

TSE

Dear Chairman and CEO Space Emporer

My daugher keeps blah-blah-blahing about carbonite emissions and galactic warming and the cometary icecaps melting. If I buy a 'save the universe' bumpersticker for the family Baneblade will that shut her up?

Unconcerned on Uranus

Kid_Kyoto wrote:

Dear Chairman and CEO Space Emporer

My daugher keeps blah-blah-blahing about carbonite emissions and galactic warming and the cometary icecaps melting. If I buy a 'save the universe' bumpersticker for the family Baneblade will that shut her up?

Unconcerned on Uranus

Dear Anus

Your touching story reminds of how Magnus the Butthead (as we used to call him) kept blah-blah-blahing about this guy's corrupted by chaos and that guy's possessed by demons so finally I started screening my calls but then BOOM! he uses sorcery and appears right in my bedroom just as I was enjoying the Chainswords Illustrasted Swimsuit Edition and I was all like, YO! this is MY TIME. So I sent Leman to go shut him up. Heh, good old Magnus, wonder what ever happened to that guy, haven't heard from him in ages.

Anyway the point is, people should learn to keep their mouths shut.

Spase Out!

Dear the Space Emporer:

I here from Sister Pious Chastity Dominatrica that you watch everything we do. I am very, very, very, x a million, sorry for what I did under my sheets last night. Please, please, please x a million don't make me go blind or grow hair on my palms.

Love
Foundling #8953
Maximum Security Orphanarium #5
Rynn's World

Dear the Space Emporer:

I hear from Sister Pious Chastity Dominatrica that you watch everything we do. I am very, very, very, x a million, sorry for what I did under my sheets last night. Please, please, please x a million don't make me go blind or grow hair on my palms.

Love
Foundling #8953
Maximum Security Orphanarium #5
Rynn's World

Dear Foundling #8953,

No, I don't see everything everyone in the galaxy does. I'm not Santa Claus. I'm a very (x a lot) old man with this advice column as my only contact to the little people in my domain. And because I have no clue what you're talking about, I'm going to have to guess at what you did under your covers that could make you "go blind or grow hair on your palms."

First one: go blind. Hmm. Reading a scary story with a flashlight! Yeah, that might hurt your eyes, but I don't see anything wrong with that. Second one: grow hair on your palms. Geez, what could cause that?

Wait, what's this?

Oh, it's a fax from Sister Pious Chastity Dominatrica. She says that you're a psyker and are slated for the Astra Telepathica. I guess I am going to make you go blind. Heh.

That Emporer Guy

Dear Your Emporerness,

One of my bestest buddies in the whole galaxy is getting married this weekend to a wonderful girl. I'm even standing up at the wedding. But what do I get them? Their registry is picked clean of all of the very useful items like the $300 Sterling Silver cake serving tray and the Cuisinart ICE-30BC Pure Indulgence 2-Quart Automatic Frozen Yogurt, Sorbet, and Ice Cream Maker. So do I give them a joke gift or cash? If cash, how many Spacebucks would be appropriate?

Thanks in advance.
oomiestompa

oomiestompa wrote:
Dear Your Emporerness,

One of my bestest buddies in the whole galaxy is getting married this weekend to a wonderful girl. I'm even standing up at the wedding. But what do I get them? Their registry is picked clean of all of the very useful items like the $300 Sterling Silver cake serving tray and the Cuisinart ICE-30BC Pure Indulgence 2-Quart Automatic Frozen Yogurt, Sorbet, and Ice Cream Maker. So do I give them a joke gift or cash? If cash, how many Spacebucks would be appropriate?

Thanks in advance.
oomiestompa

Dear Ooomiestompa,

This is a tricky problem yet not so bad as it may first appear.

The solution can be found by reference to your knowledge of your friend’s and his intended’s regular fighting habits.

For example, if they like close combat, then a matched pair of chainswords is appropriate. Or, if they enjoy bunker busting, twin-linked incinerators are charming. And so on and so on...

The lucky couple may already have indulged themselves in paired weaponry. If so, a year’s supply of fuel or ammo is a very thoughtful gift, and will sustain their combat enjoyment long after the honeymoon is over.

If you really cannot find something, a gross of mixed grenades will always come in handy!

Yours,


Teh Space Emporer




Dear L’ Emporeur de l’Espace,

I am, ow you say, a surrender eating chicken monkay from the planet of Krootus Prime 7.

My leetle pals and I would like to join up in your glorious Eemperial Guward, as we ave eeard of many glorious conquests and feasts that have been experianced, by your mairveloos soldeers in their careerings around the Garlaxee.

Such as this as it is that, that we would like to enjoy the sweet fruits of victory on such a Garlacteec scale. Thus we offer ourselves as recruits to your glorious and, particularly, well fed forces.

Please, I implore your Eemporial Ighness, to send me the hadrress of the neerest bureau of recruitmentation.

Yours, with inestimable bowings and regardments,



Alphonse du Fromage Frais, Shaper.

Dear L’ Emporeur de l’Espace,

I am, ow you say, a surrender eating chicken monkay from the planet of Krootus Prime 7.

My leetle pals and I would like to join up in your glorious Eemperial Guward, as we ave eeard of many glorious conquests and feasts that have been experianced, by your mairveloos soldeers in their careerings around the Garlaxee.

Such as this as it is that, that we would like to enjoy the sweet fruits of victory on such a Garlacteec scale. Thus we offer ourselves as recruits to your glorious and, particularly, well fed forces.

Please, I implore your Eemporial Ighness, to send me the hadrress of the neerest bureau of recruitmentation.

Yours, with inestimable bowings and regardments,



Alphonse du Fromage Frais, Shaper.


Dear Alphonse,

I feel sure someone of your culinary genious would have no trouble getting a job at your local Kroot Fried Chicken.
It has all the benfits of army life - a dismal uniform and repetitve and monotonous tasks to keep you busy all day long. Early morning, late night and weekend shifts with no extra pay come as standard and you'll still get to experience people shooting at you if you maintain the traditional level of service...

While you're at it, rustle me up a bucket of Vespid wings, easy on the salt.

Yours waiting for a cholesterol high,

Spacey



Dear Spase Emporer,

I finish school next year and my careers teacher says I need to decide what to do with my life.

I thought about it long and hard and being such a big fan I've decided I want to do what you do.

I already know I'll need polished communications skills, slick spin doctors, a massive invasion force and legions of rapturous followers, but what other tips can you offer me on becoming a Spase Emporer?

A. B. Baddon
PO Box 6789
c/o EoT Postal Service

Dear Spase Emporer,

I finish school next year and my careers teacher says I need to decide what to do with my life.

I thought about it long and hard and being such a big fan I've decided I want to do what you do.

I already know I'll need polished communications skills, slick spin doctors, a massive invasion force and legions of rapturous followers, but what other tips can you offer me on becoming a Spase Emporer?

A. B. Baddon
PO Box 6789
c/o EoT Postal Service

Dear Abby,

You don't need all those fancy things. How do you think I got to be the Spase Emporer? Not by being a valiant hero; you need to brown-tongue your way up the ranks, until you're close to the head honcho, then make him have a little... accident. Dispose of the body and bam! Say hello to golden thrones, free botox shots and all you can eat.

Hope that helped,
the Spase Emporer.

Dear Man in Shiny Armour,

I am trying to cure this little problem of mine. Magnus has already kicked me out of the gang and I've fallen in with these dodgy guys who wear pink and black armour and take part in gay orgies. They want to put strange things in strang places, and some of them are touching me inapproprietly. Just yesterday they took my staff and tried to put it down my pants, which makes me uncomfortable. Can you help me deal with these people, who claim to be your children?

Hoping you're not in on it too,
Namirha.

Dear Man in Shiny Armour,

I am trying to cure this little problem of mine. Magnus has already kicked me out of the gang and I've fallen in with these dodgy guys who wear pink and black armour and take part in gay orgies. They want to put strange things in strang places, and some of them are touching me inapproprietly. Just yesterday they took my staff and tried to put it down my pants, which makes me uncomfortable. Can you help me deal with these people, who claim to be your children?

Hoping you're not in on it too,
Namirha.

Namirha,

Clearly you're not getting into the spirit of things. This all sounds like the perfectly normal type of hazing that would happen in any normal fraternity. I recommend downing 18 pints, then riding a bicycle down main street with your arms outstretched and a traffic cone on your head until you crash into a fountain*.
After such a display of blokish bonhommie, they're bound to let you in on the secret and show you where the girls are.

Have one for me!

Shiny

*based on a true story


Dear big 'oomie boss,

I av a orrible problem wiv sum ov dem parts for my noo contrapshun wot I nicked from wun ov dem forj-world playses.

'Oo do I av to stomp to get a proper manoofactorus warranty on dis lot? Its rubish, i've got grots wot duz betta wirin.

Mad Meks

Dear big 'oomie boss,

I av a orrible problem wiv sum ov dem parts for my noo contrapshun wot I nicked from wun ov dem forj-world playses.

'Oo do I av to stomp to get a proper manoofactorus warranty on dis lot? Its rubish, i've got grots wot duz betta wirin.

Mad Meks

Dear Mad Meks

As Omnissiah of the Machine Cult I know even more about mechanical bits than you and like you should know that just because a machine has lots of bits it doesn't mean they all have meaning. It is nice that I am able to share this truth with you as my own tech Priests seem to be sadly lacking in true mechanical insight and it can get rather lonely having nooone to discuss such matters with,

So here goes, the big secret...you ready.

The wiring is just for show, its really just a way of connecting components together at the best of times, at worst just a means of keeping servitors employed. All machines in the Imperium as powered by skull power. You see they work in pretty much the same way your machines work, because we believe they do. Hoomie teknolgee as you would put it, works because we add lots of skulls to it. All the pipes and engine blocks are nothing more than supports for a big skull, often with purity seals attached for good measure.

What do you find on every space marine backpack? No I understand your thinking, but no I dont mean the holes from the choppas and shoppas you used to smack them with, I mean all of them, including the ones you havent got to yet. If you guessed: skull, you are learning.

We are not too dissimilar after all. Now that should disturb you.

Empy, Da biggest mek of da lot.

Dear the Spase Emporer

You mentioned earlier that Magnus is Butthead.
We have been contemplating this galactic truth in quiet meditation and have come up with this question:

Does this mean Konrad Curze is Beavis?

Yours

Scribe Adept Tim, a cathedral like office somewhere.

Orlanth wrote:
Dear the Spase Emporer

You mentioned earlier that Magnus is Butthead.
We have been contemplating this galactic truth in quiet meditation and have come up with this question:

Does this mean Konrad Curze is Beavis?

Yours

Scribe Adept Tim, a cathedral like office somewhere.

Dear Tim,

Sure, why not? Fun fact: The second legion's Primarch was Stewart. We had radio contact with him before meeting face to face and had a number of long conversations. So I said to Lion, "This guy is so lame, if he looks like a horse, I'm going to shoot him." Well, he didn't look like a horse, but he did have polio, and I can't have a legion of handicapable Spase Marienz. Then I'd have to make their vehicles and spaceships wheelchair accessible which angers their Machine Spirits. So I got him a job at the Imperial Insurance Agency. Best damn claims adjuster you've ever seen.

The Great Space Emporholio


Dear Your Holiness,

I have always followed your teachings strictly, and even among my order I have a reputation of being most pious. I believe this is why you sent me that vision where I give birth to a son who will be a great leader and hero to all Mankind. However, we are currently in a warzone and need every Sister we have. So my question is this: Do you have any maternity wear/power armor for the righteous warrior who wishes to maintain her combat readiness?

Love,
Sister Superior Magdalena Fidelitas, a.k.a. "Murderin' Madge", Order of the Bloody Rose