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squilverine wrote:Not so much a smart ass, but I don't suffer fools gladly, I also hate it when people faff about over simple decisions or beat around the bush rather than saying what they mean/think.
This has often led to trouble when someone in work someone asks me to "speak my mind" or to "give your opinion, off the record".

In a recent appraisal my manager wrote that "Nick is easily flustered by incompetence" I was asked to write any comments I had and sign the bottom of the sheet before returning it. The irony was that my manager had mis-spelt the word incompetence as incompetants. In the comments section I simply put "see underlined (I had underlined his mistake in red) I think that says it all"

See, this is why I like you.

+1 for Alba

I was working in a hotel a few years ago, engaged in the fascinating task of counting out amaretti biscuits for a function. The head chef waltzes into the section, grabs a couple and starts eating them.

Me: Hey! those are counted for tonight.

Chef: Well, you're two short.

Me: Interesting choice of words for someone who's only five foot four...

Chef: I fething hate the pastry section! /storms off

Whenever someone calls me an donkey-cave I say "Thank you" and walk away.

Irritates people when their supposed insult is turned back on them as a compliment.

I get out my magical ass-hat and proceed to parade a series of insults their way.

Ask any of my co-workers- I am the ass-hole filled to the crack with gold.

I think I generally just speak my mind.

'Hey, Want to know what I did yesterday?'
'No.'
'I saw a movie! Isn't that awesome?'
'No.'
'Wanna know what movie I saw?'
'No.'
'Don't worry, It's all on my facebook/twitter/myspace account. Oh, better update my status!'

*Types 'Talking to best friend, really need to use the toilet, locatzomgomfg(insert stupid mindless garbage that continues for at least five lines)*

At which point I'm mapping out all the closest blunt objects I can hit them with.

I'm an American white boy. The only thing more misunderstood by us is irony.
I actually am kinda a smart ass, im really kind of a d-bag to everyone but hot girls but who isn't. It's not really d-baggery, its kinda the internet trolling atitude. Doin' it for the lulz. Do stupid gak to make people laugh.

Greetsz,
Mr. Self Destruct

Mr. Self Destruct wrote:I'm an American white boy. The only thing more misunderstood by us is irony.
I actually am kinda a smart ass, im really kind of a d-bag to everyone but hot girls but who isn't. It's not really d-baggery, its kinda the internet trolling atitude. Doin' it for the lulz. Do stupid gak to make people laugh.

Greetsz,
Mr. Self Destruct

How shallow of you, I'm a d-bag even to hot girls

'I'm not selectively mean, I hate everyone!'

Nice

KingCracker wrote:"daddy Im REALLLLLY thirsty, can I get a drink"
to which I reply
"Drink your spit"
Then I laugh as hard as I can at the poor kid

I was 100% expecting, "hello REALLLLLY thirsty, what drink would you want?" or something to that effect, I was a little confused when I saw the actual joke!

I am a notorious smart-alec.
I will often make up some hard to believe story, complete with minute details and, when the person I'm telling the story to says, "Really?" I just say, "Nope."

When my daughter (now a [somehow] well-adjusted 12 year old) asks me for something and I say, "No." She usually asks me why not.
My response is, quite often, "Because I don't live you that much," or "Because you're adopted and we're saving all the good stuff for your older brother. We like him better," or something similar.

Of course, by now, she knows that those smart-alec responses are my way of telling her the answer is really "Yes."

I often tell the Mrs. what my second wife will be like. Her responses are typically somewhere along the lines of, "The b**** better have the patience of Job to put up with you!"
My next wife wouldn't dare say such a thing to me, though!

Eric

P.S. When my wife threatens to "cut [me] while [I] sleep," she says it with such dead-pan intonation that you can't tell she's kidding.
She is kidding.
Right?


[edit]

Oh, and, to be fair, I'm honing that smart-assery in my kids (including the 2 yr old grand daughter I'm raising). She already walks up to people and get's 'em going.
It goes something like this...

Grand daughter: I broke my butt.
Unsuspecting adult: What happened?
Grand daughter: It gots a big crack in it.

I lie to the kids I teach telling them that I am a Japanese Superman made in a military installation in Sendai and that I am only 12 years old. I am there teaching at their school to see who has the aptitude to become a Gundam pilot when Japan has to fight off the Alien invasion that is coming in 2012.

Kids under 9 believe it only because I speak to them in Japanese and apparently Japanese adults don't tell such blatant fibs.

Oh, I also told an old guy at the gym that some foreigners can get girls pregnant just by looking at them. He seemed kind of shocked.

ROFL
I'm a smart ass to everyone. Except people like me for that. Either that or they all secertly have made a cult to kill me :O.
One day someone asked on the phone.
"Hey Dude! I just saw this Aussie who is saying that All Aussie's are complete !#$@#$@ (Censored by the order of Inqusition). Would you like to see your kind?"
Me:"Yeah I'll bring some Crack!"
"What?"
"Yeah, Don't you know all Aussie's do Drugs! Not only that All American's Are fat! I'll bring some Mcdonalds with it too!"
"WoW I was joking."
Me:"Well Instead of being a D-bag maybe you should call someone else that is not me and actually has something else too do."
*I hang up*
Best Way to get rid of people you hate!

-note:some of this may or may not be true. Just because i wrote it doesn't mean that it may of happened, consquences of actually doing this are on your head.
Also if you imply any Idoitic terms and say that the subtext of this was completely false you are dead wrong, a different account of this did happen.

-note-note: don't hang-up on your girlfriend because you don't want to talk. Women are scary when they get angry. End of note.

Just one last story before this thread disappears:

A few days ago a pipe burst in my mum's house, and she said she needed help. I wandered off for a while, then came back with three rolls of tape, a strip of velcro and a twist-tie and asked her how many episodes of McGyver she'd seen.

Smart-Assery!

I used to be a smart ass but all my teachers got like uber pissed at me, almost got suspended sadfaces:(

I dont like people that are smart arse bastards.

I was always taught not to be a smug winner, and it always grates on me when i see people "whooping" when they win a quiz or a game of tennis or something, as i always go straight to the other guy and say "well played mate, good effort" It seems to be to be just plain rude, to do anything else.

Im such a gracious loser as well however, that if i lose and do my usual "well played mate you really did well" and then somebody starts going "woooo!! woooo hoooo!!! In your face sucker!!" i think i would find it difficult not to resort to violence. I would certainly threaten them at the very least and offer them the chance to step outside for some tasty violence.

Its not cos im a sore loser, its cos im a very very good loser so i expect the same treatment back! I just think its childish and rude as feth. And if your childish and rude as feth you deserve a smack in the mouth surely?

I genuinelly feel that violence is underrated in every day life, If i behaved boorishly i would entirely expect a good shoeing, i wouldnt go running to the police if it was well deserved, and if everybody had the same attitude the world would be a better place. People would be less rude all around if there was actual physical repercutions for anti social actions... instead of nowadays, where you can be rude and anti social but if anybody dares pull you over it you can toss your hands up and say "ill call the police/sue you"

Although you could argue filling people in is anti social as well i suppose...

I think i feel another thread coming on!

Should physical aggression be less shunned in civilised society?

Sarcasm. Love it.

"drink your spit". This is funny Shuma. Just not to you. "Drink your wee" would have been better. 8)

I said to my girlfriend "get in the kitchen, make me food" and then watch the expression on their face. Then say in a slightly louder tone "well"? Its so funny testing your limits. In the end you just laugh so they know your joking.

Shadowbrand wrote:Not really. It just makes perfect sence lol.

The hormones have turned me into a beast of debauchery and destruction a true child of Chaos.

Doesn't that make you French?


Automatically Appended Next Post:

mattyrm wrote:

I genuinelly feel that violence is underrated in every day life, If i behaved boorishly i would entirely expect a good shoeing, i wouldnt go running to the police if it was well deserved, and if everybody had the same attitude the world would be a better place. People would be less rude all around if there was actual physical repercutions for anti social actions... instead of nowadays, where you can be rude and anti social but if anybody dares pull you over it you can toss your hands up and say "ill call the police/sue you"

Actually, if you can prove that they antagonized you to the point of physical contact its legal in some places. A friend of mine was in a case like this, a guy kept provoking him and pushing his buttons until he laid him out. The other guy called the cops, but everyone around told the cop that the guy was messing with my friend. Long story short, the cop didn't do anything.


Automatically Appended Next Post:
Oh, as for my smart-ass moment of the day.

I'm a cashier so I deal with a lot of people, some cool(ambassador of Norway) some not so cool(religious nuts who tried to push their religion inside the store). Well one day I had this customer who was using a lot of change and counted it out in front of me. She handed it to me and I began to count it, she saw this and got mad.

"I counted it out in front of you already, don't you trust me?" she asked

I held up two "pennies".

"Well, these are Canadian." I calmly replied, I didn't smile or anything, just stated it.

She got mad just because I wouldn't take them and I wouldn't let her get away with owing 2 cents.