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Ooh, the hook at the end got me! Your righting style is improving, and I'm enjoying the story. The to-be explained parts about the ambiguity of whose mortars and all that is tantalizing, and as always, I look forward to the next installment.
The section on languages gets a little garbled and mixed up, but it was the only major trip up that I noticed. Also, at the beginning, unless Capt. Taylor is suddenly Irish, I believe it shouldn't be " Our bunker's vox, which was mostly full of screaming and panicking o the various channels" . Still, good writing; you're improving. Keep it up!
Actually there were a few other typos which I just corrected as well.
The people in the past who convinced themselves to do unspeakable things were no less human than you or I. They made their decisions; the only thing that prevents history from repeating itself is making different ones.
-- Adam Serwer
My blog
Okay, now I'm up to a momentous decision. There's basically two ways I can take this, as the two primary ideas on how her canon goes splits at about this chapter-- this basically being the point of deviation for the two alternate realities, and I'm still deciding on which one should be the primary. Not necessarily this particular section of it (yes, I'm working on it...), but still, about right here.
The people in the past who convinced themselves to do unspeakable things were no less human than you or I. They made their decisions; the only thing that prevents history from repeating itself is making different ones.
-- Adam Serwer
My blog
Go for whatever one feels more natural to the character in your head. I'm sure you have some idea of Capt. Taylor's personality, and you could say "in situation A she'd do Q even if her subordinates did G". Just go off what seems right to her fictional character.
KamikazeCanuck wrote:Alternate realities? In the story? Or you just don't know which direction to go with plot?
Yes.
Essentially, it's about...
Spoiler:
... whether or not she becomes a psyker. In one of them, what is going to happen in this chapter awakens that part of her, in the other one, she never had the proper DNA to become one, and thus it had other effects on her. Both rather strongly effected her psychologically. The end result of the story is the same, but how it effects her character development is different.
Which is pretty important I think you'd agree. Put in spoilers, because, well, spoilers.
The people in the past who convinced themselves to do unspeakable things were no less human than you or I. They made their decisions; the only thing that prevents history from repeating itself is making different ones.
-- Adam Serwer
My blog
Another update! Part two of chapter three. So thirteen parts left to do, unless I decide to go past chapter five.
The people in the past who convinced themselves to do unspeakable things were no less human than you or I. They made their decisions; the only thing that prevents history from repeating itself is making different ones.
-- Adam Serwer
My blog
Edited the last paragraph a bit to elucidate on why they let her live.
The people in the past who convinced themselves to do unspeakable things were no less human than you or I. They made their decisions; the only thing that prevents history from repeating itself is making different ones.
-- Adam Serwer
My blog
traitor marines who appear to be regular marines-or is it that the government of the system is corrupt and the people have never seen marines before?
All three of these are true.
It's quite a sneaky gambit.
The people in the past who convinced themselves to do unspeakable things were no less human than you or I. They made their decisions; the only thing that prevents history from repeating itself is making different ones.
-- Adam Serwer
My blog
traitor marines who appear to be regular marines-or is it that the government of the system is corrupt and the people have never seen marines before?
All three of these are true.
It's quite a sneaky gambit.
How exactly is the first part true? I'd like to see that explained a bit more. Heck, is that possible?
Also, I felt that
Spoiler:
the way she just shrugged off chaos after incinerating the sorcerer was a little off. If I was writing this (feel free to disagree), I'd show her caving in a little more. Maybe tearing apart a few men who had tortured her earlier? Or using some of her mental power (shown in the fight against the sorcerer) to give them some abominal deformities? She mentions that she is afraid that if she pushes away the voices, that they might never come back. This to me feels as though she's dancing with chaos-not quite a follower but very tempted. It would be great if we could see a bit more of this struggle. Perhaps Castella (or the sight of her) causes a relapse? I'm just shooting in the dar here.
Simple... they didn't wear chaos emblems and put on Imperial emblems, then proclaimed themselves to be a loyal chapter to everyone but the heretical high command. I don't know what's so surprising about that. Most humans in 40k wouldn't question a Marine if they showed up and at least ACTED loyal. As long as they weren't overtly worshiping Chaos.
More spoilers! A response:
Spoiler:
She didn't just shrug it off.
"I wish I could have said something, so that she wouldn't mistake the silence somehow. There was so much I wanted to say, and I couldn't say any of it... it's just that, at the time, it wasn't anywhere near peaceful or quiet in my head, and I didn't want... to speak in THEIR voices. I wanted to shut them out, to mentally punch them, to kick them from my mind so that I never had to hear their slithering voices again. But hell.. I couldn't even tell her that, either. "
There was a firestorm brewing in her head as the four voices squabbled over her mind, and it was all she could do to just say quiet so they didn't manage to speak some blasphemy through her. Note she said she WANTED to kick them out. But she didn't say she managed to do it. All she managed to do is stay quiet as if she was shell-shocked.
She also mentioned that she doesn't remember much of that time, and that she was undergoing physical, psychological, and physical therapy, as by then she was a bit of a heroine because of her taking out that sorcerer. Which is the reason why she was spared, even if she doesn't view herself as a hero. She was effectively broken until the therapy had basically sewn her mind, body, and soul back together again.
This message was edited 3 times. Last update was at 2011/06/05 16:37:16
The people in the past who convinced themselves to do unspeakable things were no less human than you or I. They made their decisions; the only thing that prevents history from repeating itself is making different ones.
-- Adam Serwer
My blog
I never knew that chaos could disguise themselves, though. I suppose that the general populace has never seen any before, and probably wouldn't be able to spot a chaos marine.
The forces of Chaos are an insidious foe, whom one should never underestimate.
The people in the past who convinced themselves to do unspeakable things were no less human than you or I. They made their decisions; the only thing that prevents history from repeating itself is making different ones.
-- Adam Serwer
My blog
Although Taylor might seem a bit incoherent in this chapter, there's a good reason for that.
This message was edited 1 time. Last update was at 2011/06/09 04:53:00
The people in the past who convinced themselves to do unspeakable things were no less human than you or I. They made their decisions; the only thing that prevents history from repeating itself is making different ones.
-- Adam Serwer
My blog
My inner pyro loves the Captain's description of what should happen to Mr. chaos. This is certainly some of the most interesting writing you've provided yet.
However, I do have a few small beefs with this writing. First off, the sword's color part felt a little contrived to me. And a minor typo: after the blinding of the guardsmen, she goes to "dual" her enemy. I particularly enjoyed how the duel ended; it felt very believable. The small parenthetical side-note included in the second to last paragraph should be split into 2 sentences. I did enjoy that explanatory parenthetical statement; it gave her character a believable quality. The end of this segment left me excited and wanting more. As always, I look forward to your next update.
Also, I agree with Mr. djphranq's opinion: a non-astartes story is great, and I feel as though it accurately shows 40k's darker side. It's hard to have a bleak and crushing tone when you're writing about super-soldiers who can kill anything and will never die and have all the greatest weapons and everyone worships them as gods among men and they are awesome, so treat them as such.
This message was edited 1 time. Last update was at 2011/06/10 01:30:42
Good pieces of advice. I'll make some edits when I finish writing the next part (I'm about halfway through it).
Don't be afraid to correct my spelling. I haven't written anything this long outside of relatively dry scholarly essays for college.
The people in the past who convinced themselves to do unspeakable things were no less human than you or I. They made their decisions; the only thing that prevents history from repeating itself is making different ones.
-- Adam Serwer
My blog
And it's done. Revised the previous section as well.
The people in the past who convinced themselves to do unspeakable things were no less human than you or I. They made their decisions; the only thing that prevents history from repeating itself is making different ones.
-- Adam Serwer
My blog
Sadly, I can't work on this right now... I'm having to use an old, half-broken keyboard, whose space button only sometimes work. It's too much effort to keep a train of thought for a narrative if I have to also struggle with the implement itself. For now, anyway.
Someone spilled water into my new one while I was sleeping in the morning, and it's completely FUBAR.
The people in the past who convinced themselves to do unspeakable things were no less human than you or I. They made their decisions; the only thing that prevents history from repeating itself is making different ones.
-- Adam Serwer
My blog
Last part of chapter 3 posted. Now begins the chapter where they work to get off of their doomed planet... assuming they even manage to do so.
This message was edited 1 time. Last update was at 2011/08/01 06:39:39
The people in the past who convinced themselves to do unspeakable things were no less human than you or I. They made their decisions; the only thing that prevents history from repeating itself is making different ones.
-- Adam Serwer
My blog
Some parts of this version of the lore I haven't decided on yet
The people in the past who convinced themselves to do unspeakable things were no less human than you or I. They made their decisions; the only thing that prevents history from repeating itself is making different ones.
-- Adam Serwer
My blog
I've not forgotten about this... just kinda haven't worked up the urge and creative energy to continue :\
What do you think about a bit of commentary by a certain character within the story (who it is wouldn't be revealed yet) in the mean time?
It'd be in a spoiler at the end of my post, with chapter/section numbers dividing the commentary sections.
The people in the past who convinced themselves to do unspeakable things were no less human than you or I. They made their decisions; the only thing that prevents history from repeating itself is making different ones.
-- Adam Serwer
My blog
The people in the past who convinced themselves to do unspeakable things were no less human than you or I. They made their decisions; the only thing that prevents history from repeating itself is making different ones.
-- Adam Serwer
My blog
Forgot to update this thread for a while. There's four new sections to it.
The people in the past who convinced themselves to do unspeakable things were no less human than you or I. They made their decisions; the only thing that prevents history from repeating itself is making different ones.
-- Adam Serwer
My blog
. Still, good writing; you're improving. Keep it up!
