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wow two Ronin now we're talking, once again nice chapter.

Your sentences lack much structural variance, leading them to overall sound long-winded and excessive in detail. Descriptive sentences are a good thing, but when overused, all your sentences can seem to drag on forever.

You also start a lot of paragraphs with verbs in the present-progressive tense. "Kneeling, Finishing, Drinking, Talking, etc." These should be used sparingly as a way to insert the reader into the middle of a situation. Chances are, if you can start a sentence with a present progressive, it shouldn't be the beginning of a new paragraph. Sometimes a long, big paragraph, contrary to what one might think, is actually easier to read than one far too broken up.

Some of your character descriptions need work, as well. An English professor of mine said once "Show the reader, don't tell them."

For instance, early on, you include "...and a slight grimace of discomfort showed that the traveller was weary of the long road or had run afoul with some unseen obstacle somewhere behind him."

Sentences like this are a bit cluttered with unnecessary description, and the extra minutiae sounds like you're spoonfeeding the reader. Instead, saying something like "The man's visage wore an uncomfortable, almost worried grimace." Is he just worn out? Has he run afoul some unseen obstacle? Your reader has those questions in mind, and perhaps it is revealed later, perhaps not, but either way, it allows the reader to interpret it to a measure. Not just here, but in general, if you rework your descriptions to describe more what is seen, and less "X looks this way because of Z" it will be smoother to read, and more immersive.

Needs some work, I'd say.

-Cap.

Excellently written Trondheim. Though I agree with what TheCaptain is saying, I'd like to add that its still an excellent story.

Still enjoying it! For some reason I can picture burning buildings and lots of dead guys in the near future ...

Well yes....I must admidt than may happen. Will try to get a new part during this weekend. Life has for the moment trown a few spanners in the works but fear not, bloodshed will follow.

June barely managed to avoid a spear trust aimed at his neck, he grabbed the spear shaft with one hand and pulled at it. This unbalanced the spear wielder and he punched the man hard, breaking his nose and sending him sprawling. Despite the fact that he had killed some thirty men and sill stood on his feet he knew it was going against him. The first to die had been the ones who had little or no experience with fighting a warrior like him. But those who stilled stood was another mater.

They had formed a half circle around him and tried to make him slip or give them an opening in his defence, the fact that they where somewhat disorganized was the only thing that had kept them from overwhelming him. As one of them came at him with a fierce howl he adjusted his footing and when the man came close enough he lashed out like a wounded animal and disembowelled his foe with one well aimed strike.
But soon the table would be turned, he knew he could not keep so many opponents at bay for much longer. But as fate would have it he would not stand alone for much longer.

The old Samurai jogged with a renewed sense of urgency, by the heavens it felt good to be a free man again. No longer bound to that fat and incompetent fool who squandered his right to govern by committing to crime and drink. No longer would he be bound by oaths that had been broken by the man who was supposed to stand as a symbol of honour and good manners to his underlings.
He would rather die a lonesome and forgotten old man than to suffer such a fate he thought as he entered the main town square.
His sword rested in his grip and and the bow he gripped in the other made him feel at peace, he saw the lone swordsman standing firm but wounded and tired. Such a brave and determined warrior he had seldom seen. It made his eyes water as he remembered his own brave son who had died all those years ago.
Drawing a arrow he pulled it back and aimed, he took careful aim and sent it flying.

He saw the arrow bite the sell sword in the neck and his comrades turning around. But by then he had already sent another one on its way. The constant thud of arrows began to fill the air and men fell either with bleeding sword wounds or long arrow shafts sticking out of their bodies.

When the last man fell with fear clearly marked on his young face June felt no pride, no joy over killing him. Only a sadness over another young life snuffed out for all the wrong reasons. He felt blood dripping down from a wound on his cheek and a smaller wound dripping too. The fight had left him somewhat worse for wear but he till stood upright and with determination blazing in his eyes that seemed to have gone from blazing with hate to something akin to sadness.

Looking around he saw the mayhem caused by the fight, a building had caught fire, after a dying man had knocked over a brazier. And bodies littered the square, somewhere behind him a woman wept over her fallen son and the rumbling of thunder could be heard in the distance.

He saw the lone Samurai approach with his sword sheathed and his bow lowered, he knew a fight with this man would not be a pleasant one. The man radiated an aura of calm he seldom saw but still. He seemed not intent on crossing blades with him either.



“Greetings Kawazi. I see you do not waste time! You can lower your blade lad. I have no wish to fight with you or stand in your way. In my old days it dawned on me how far from grace I must have fallen to serve such a man. I come to tell you only a handful of retainers stand between you and him.” said the old warrior and seemed to think of something that made him smile.

Before continuing he cast a look at the dead men laying around them.

“Many years ago I sent a small boy out into the world alone rather than to die, it would be a lie if I have not often thought about the child. As my days passed on I felt the guilt over the role I played begin to grow, I do not know if I can ever make up for all the fell deeds I have done or widows I have made. But know this, for what it is worth I am sorry. My life is yours to take if you think I deserve such a worthy fate. “

With that the old man unbuckled his sword belt and knelt down and awaited his judgement.

June felt a surge of emotions wash over his weary mind, even if he wished for vengeance he had no wish to shed more blood than he needed. He remembered a woman with raven black hair who had told a small boy that it was never to late to apologize, or trying to make amends for wrongs done in the past.
A single tear made its way down his bloodstained face as he made up his mind.

“You do not need to kneel for me, I am no lord or man of great importance. A wise woman told me it is never to late to make amends. If your hearth wills it you can begin to night, I would welcome a comrade in arms after so many battles fought alone.” he said and gave the man a hand to get up.

Together the former ronnin and the old warrior walked towards what would be this finale chapter in this tale. Before the night ended they would wash away the shame and old wounds in the blood of cowards and dishonourable men.


The retainer ran for all his worth along the stony path that ran from the main gate and up to the mansion. Behind him he heard the screams of the dying as the two devils cut them down and gained entry to the gardens.
The man was about to reach the flight of stairs leading into the house when a sharp pain bit him in the back. He fell face down onto the white marble path as his life blood pooled beneath him.
The last thing that passed his mind before death claimed him was the memories of his family and his own home.

The last guard fell down with a thud and the two Samurai stood alone at the gates,.
“Go on alone Kawazi, that swine is yours to kill. I’ll keep the gates free of any vermin with a wish to die.” said the old one and waved his younger companion on with an impatience hand gesture.

His companion nodded and walked up the pathway with his sword drawn, he felt a strange sense of peace settle in his weary head. To think all the years spent alone wandering and searching would end tonight



The now somewhat sober lord in question stood in the inner courtyard and waited for him. His retainers had either fled or lay dead behind his pesky opponent who now had the nerve to walk in his home! How dared this maggot think himself even worthy to set foot in such a fine home!
However it would all end tonight, he intended to kill this interloper and end this tirade once for all. Such a filthy ronnin could not possibly stand a chance against someone who had meet the Shogun and could call himself a regular at the imperial court could he?

Even for all his bravado and arrogance he felt s cold shiver crawl up his spine as he saw his opponent walk into the yard. His armour was it seemed covered in blood and his face hidden behind a gruesome mask.
He held a sword that seemed to shimmer with a pale blue aura as the light from the torches reflected of it. But what unsettled him the most was his eyes, they seemed like they would be more fitting for a tiger or a snarling wolf than a man.

Drawing his own blade he gripped it with both hands and began to move, his foe simply looked at him and seemed to smile. But he too was tensed to spring into action when a opening presented itself.

The nervous nobleman made the first move, he struck with a brutal downwards blow that the ronnin sidestepped and rewarded him with a hard kick to the left knee that sent him almost tumbling.

The pair circled each other and as a torrential rainstorm began to hammer down around them, their blades meet in a symphony of steel and sparks.

June saw his opponent attempting to break through his guard, and it almost worked. But he managed to avoid the blade that speed past him and nicked the wooded pillar behind him, he struck back like a viper and barely managed to land a glancing blow on his foe.
He knew he could not afford to make mistakes now, for that would cost him his life and the chance at redemption would be lost.

“For too long have I hunted you. Too many times have you cowardly men tried to take my life. And all those times I have been treated to noting more than a cold shoulder have you been drinking yourself silly” he said and came on hard, sword leading the way in a flurry of steel and hate. His foe reeled under this viscous assault but somehow managed to keep his ground.

“While my clan lay rotting in the earth you wasted our wealth, despoiled our lands and our history!” he continued and struck the now exhausted man opposing him hard with the pommel of his sword.

The bleeding and spent man growled like a wounded beast and tried to cut his legs out form under him but failed to hit. Instead he was rewarded with a cut that bit deep in his left hand.

“Arrrrhhhh! NEVER! Your father was a charlatan and your mother was a whore. I merely took was what mine to take! What do you expect me to do? Beg for mercy. Plea for my life?” the man said as he struggled to his feet and held his sword in his one good hand.

The response he got was only silence and a hate filled glare.


June circled around him and felt a small sense of satisfaction having deflated this arrogant swine several notches.
This was a kill he would savour.
“No....I expect you to tremble in the face of death, to see you weep as your greed has not only brought about your death. But the demise of your family and too.” he said and tossed a small bloodstained sack at the feet of the now enraged man.
He saw the horrified look on his face when he opened and saw the gore stained head of his only child and a human hearth laying there.

“Consider the blood debt you own me all but settled now. There is just one last thing needed to end this and that is your own death.” said June and smiled while drawing closer and closer like a predator circling a wounded deer.

With a swift stroke of his katana he struck and as the blade sliced trough the neck and sent the head rolling he felt his weariness fade away.
Looking down at the headless corps he spat on it and picked up the head by the long braids of hair.

As he left the manor he tossed a torch into the building and watched as the flames caught hold and illuminated the fading night sky with a symphony of colours.

As he walked down he felt at peace, now he could finally rest assured that his clan was avenged. And that his foe was no more .yes he thought today would indeed be a good day to watch the sun rise in the east.

I was right about the burning buildings and corpses, I see

Cool cinematic ending. Nice that you kept it hard for the audience to be totally sympathetic with June ... it's always more interesting to have an 'edgy' protagonist.

Overall, the story flowed well and was paced nicely. My only minor quibble would be that his female companion seemed to drop out of the narrative a little early.

Nice work, really enjoyed it.

I agree with Necroagogo

Damn, that's a badass conclusion to the story. June really went off the deep end; I definitely didn't expect him to kill that Shogun's kid.

Sorry I didn't comment earlier, I forgot to check this.

No worries better late than never. And yes, I suppose the lesson is to never slaugter a Samurai clan and leave the sole survior to grow up and develop anger managent issues.

Yeah. I knew June was mentally unhealthy, but he seemed like the kind of guy who would be above slaughtering innocent children. Well, I suppose your story has a good moral. If I ever butcher a Samurai clan, I'll make sure to leave no survivors.

Yes although I did end it ijn this way to show just ruined his mind was, a toung boy seeing his whole extended familiy putto the sword will seldom become a sane man. And I also wanted to try portrating a deeply troubeld man who sucbumds to his inner daemons.

Well, you did well. June was a very believable character.