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Time for you to have a talk with you mother about respect.

My mother says I spend too much money on models, as she gazes out onto the bookshelf with a regiment or two of painted and based miniatures. She tells me that if it were her, she wouldn't spend nearly so much.

She then looks to my unused sprues, sniffs while rifling through them and says "why ahven'y you built these yet. IF you're not going to build them, you shouldn't buy them." In the Polite manner with which one becomes accustomed when dealing with a woman who puts too much emotion into pointless arguments, I ask her how that cross-stitch she bought in 2006 is going.

She's never thrown out my models, but she has thrown them. She once cracked a window with a bretonnian hippogryff, and there's a decent dent in the pingpong table out back from where a certain biker chaplain was thrown rather roughly, but I've never had my toys thrown out.

This is your mother, though. So you can't cut her off. You can, however, point out that she has no right damaging or removing your property without your permission and that doing so is a malicious assault on property, or something that sounds equivalently lawful. Point out that she's not clothing or feeding you, and that her money is not being spend on your hobby. (unless it is) and that she has no right to tell you what you can and cannot do, and clearly is not in a state to define what a mature action or hobby is.

Failing in this, don't take her in again. IF she can't respect your property, her being family does not mean she has to be welcome.

IF you need my references, I've been building and painting miniatures under the heavy presence of an overbearing and very moody jewish mother for three to four years now. She always know's what's best for me, even if I can systematically prove that her beliefs are misplaced. She is always right, because she is a medic. And anything above a whisper is considered to be as bad as shouting profanity. She also has an irritating habit that she systemically denies, in which she rifles through my things and moves things without any good reason to.

The number of times I hear "Don't swear at me!" while asking her not to touch a model that's drying with matt varnishing...

Makumba wrote:
WoW here parents can do stuff like that and no one in their right mind would even think about doing something about it.

You sure we both live in the same country? Perhaps I'm not exactly sane, but I'm 23 and if my mother had done such a thing with my collection, I don't even want to imagine what would've happened. Particularly if I was in the exact same situation as the OP. Thankfully, my mother's oddly supportive of my hobby.

Anyway, I'd really want to advise something, but I simply can't think of anything that would be "reasonable", and I don't know the full context, King Pariah. I hope your collection didn't suffer.

 King Pariah wrote:

 SRSFACE wrote:
I'd inform her of the money involved. Make her pay you back, full MSRP, for all the stuff she threw out and make her write an apology to the people who commissioned you. Basically, be the adult in the situation and treat her like an adolescent.

The commission stuff especially, inform her you make money on the side with the hobby. It's a legitimate enterprise, as well, rather than drugs or something. If she has an issue with that, tell her she should feel free to pay your rent and utilities in full while staying with you.

Unfortunately, she knows the money involved (both in modeling and commissions) and she really doesn't give a damn. I do hope that the "this is my place and you're technically a guest," argument works out. As much I would love to kick her out, I also know there's no place for her to go as of yet and maybe it's how I've been raised but I can't kick my mother out. Ugh.

But yeah, thanks once again for the advice guys!

That's why I suggested telling her that if she can't respect your stuff she can't stay with you. a big warning well in advance, if she does it again after you talk to her then yeah, toss her. I mean there's a point where a guest starts becoming abusive.

I'd sit her down for a cup of tea and politely remind her..

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d_QCiAAUvHI

That marks a mother who doesn't quite understand her children. Just horrible. So sorry that happened. Were you able to get the stuff back?

 Ravenous D wrote:


What you allow, is what will continue.

This.

 King Pariah wrote:

Unfortunately, she knows the money involved (both in modeling and commissions) and she really doesn't give a damn. I do hope that the "this is my place and you're technically a guest," argument works out. As much I would love to kick her out, I also know there's no place for her to go as of yet and maybe it's how I've been raised but I can't kick my mother out. Ugh.

I'd say its time for you to start being a man. If I was down to my last place of welcome, I'd certainly think twice before even looking disrespectfully towards one of their most prized collections. Did your mother teach you consequences as a child? Because it's about time she learned them. There should be no "my place, technically you're a guest" open forum - Stand up for yourself, It IS your place, and she is FULLY a guest. It's ok to show your mother some leeway, and decide not to kick her out to her own devices as you might a friend after each apologized for the mistake, but allowing her to stay without her apologizing sincerely and fully working her hardest to right her wrong is making you an enabler and you will continue to be disrespected in different ways for as long as the duration of her stay. If the choice between respecting your property and being homeless is a hard one for her, she has nobody to blame but herself. If you ever want to step out her shadow and don't do anything about it today, you have nobody to blame but yourself. Good luck.


Sorry if this is not dakka related, but op asked for real life advice and he got it.

Are the models recoverable?

If yes, rationally explain your position like an adult.
If no, take her skull for the skull throne.

There is an old saying that you can not choose your parents.

I do not know you, your mom or how your culture work. But I would say that this is the indication of probably a bigger issue.

I always wear to the side or understanding and arguing and try not to loose my temper. As such I would not throw out somebody else's possessions I would talk to them about it. Why she threw out your possessions means I have very little understanding of why she would do such a thing.

It would seem she has problem of her own and is acting them out on you. (I do not know why she was living with you in the first place.) If so then I would try to decide your position in this and how involved you should or can be. The lost models are probably not the big issue here.

Or she is unsatisfied with your life choices. If she is please talk to her and find out what she is unsatisfied with. Being a very independent person myself I would sugest you explain to her that at your age you are free to live as you please, you will take her aguments into consideration but at the end it is your life and you deside.

I suspect she comes from a generation and culture where painting tiny models at best is assisiated with painting tin soldiers. At least in Norway this is no longer the case, as hobbies are velcome in moderations. Some even make a living out of their hobbies. Even if you are just playing and painting it is good exersice for the brain with math and rules remembering. Strategic planing can be aplied to many different tasks. And the painting part trains your left side of the brain and keeps you creative. There are no bad arguments about playing warhammer then the time invested if you can not miss something.

If you can not retrive the models then they are gone. Mourn them and then take the opertunaty for a fresh start. If you like warhammer you will get new models after a while. If you lost your army perhaps start a new one.

Edit: I see a lot of you joke about this. That is a fine coping mecanic but some serius advise would be apreciated. I do not think pranets usualy do this kind of behavior.

 Niiai wrote:
There is an old saying that you can not choose your parents.

I do not know you, your mom or how your culture work. But I would say that this is the indication of probably a bigger issue.

I always wear to the side or understanding and arguing and try not to lose my temper. As such I would not throw out somebody else's possessions I would talk to them about it. Why she threw out your possessions means I have very little understanding of why she would do such a thing.

It would seem she has problem of her own and is acting them out on you. (I do not know why she was living with you in the first place.) If so then I would try to decide your position in this and how involved you should or can be. The lost models are probably not the big issue here.

Or she is unsatisfied with your life choices. If she is please talk to her and find out what she is unsatisfied with. Being a very independent person myself I would sugest you explain to her that at your age you are free to live as you please, you will take her aguments into consideration but at the end it is your life and you deside.

I suspect she comes from a generation and culture where painting tiny models at best is assisiated with painting tin soldiers. At least in Norway this is no longer the case, as hobbies are velcome in moderations. Some even make a living out of their hobbies. Even if you are just playing and painting it is good exersice for the brain with math and rules remembering. Strategic planing can be aplied to many different tasks. And the painting part trains your left side of the brain and keeps you creative. There are no bad arguments about playing warhammer then the time invested if you can not miss something.

If you can not retrive the models then they are gone. Mourn them and then take the opertunaty for a fresh start. If you like warhammer you will get new models after a while. If you lost your army perhaps start a new one.

Edit: I see a lot of you joke about this. That is a fine coping mecanic but some serius advise would be apreciated. I do not think pranets usualy do this kind of behavior.

fixed it, sorry, I know you are from a different country, but loose instead of lose drives me crazy.

 SHUPPET wrote:

 Ravenous D wrote:


What you allow, is what will continue.

This.

 King Pariah wrote:

Unfortunately, she knows the money involved (both in modeling and commissions) and she really doesn't give a damn. I do hope that the "this is my place and you're technically a guest," argument works out. As much I would love to kick her out, I also know there's no place for her to go as of yet and maybe it's how I've been raised but I can't kick my mother out. Ugh.

I'd say its time for you to start being a man. If I was down to my last place of welcome, I'd certainly think twice before even looking disrespectfully towards one of their most prized collections. Did your mother teach you consequences as a child? Because it's about time she learned them. There should be no "my place, technically you're a guest" open forum - Stand up for yourself, It IS your place, and she is FULLY a guest. It's ok to show your mother some leeway, and decide not to kick her out to her own devices as you might a friend after each apologized for the mistake, but allowing her to stay without her apologizing sincerely and fully working her hardest to right her wrong is making you an enabler and you will continue to be disrespected in different ways for as long as the duration of her stay. If the choice between respecting your property and being homeless is a hard one for her, she has nobody to blame but herself. If you ever want to step out her shadow and don't do anything about it today, you have nobody to blame but yourself. Good luck.


Sorry if this is not dakka related, but op asked for real life advice and he got it.

Not only will this continue in your gaming life...just wait until you ask someone to marry you!!! If mom doesnt like her...worlds will end and life will be over as you know it. I know its hard, it took me moving almost 200 miles from my folks to get out of their shadow, after I did a stint in the Army! Good luck and remember, as mad as your Mom makes you, she is still your Mom. You dont have to LIKE her, just Love her. Yes there is a difference. Like means want to visit often, talk to, hang out with, Love means when you have to see her you do and you smile about it. You miss her, but well, that doesnt mean going over for dinner 4 nights a week!

, sorry to hear about your Mum doing that. It's a shame she doesn't respect your things. My Mum would never dream of doing such a thing, I'm 28 and at no point in my life would she have thrown anything of mine out without asking, even when I was a kid let alone now, she's always respected my decisions and what I do even if she might not always agree.

I'm really hoping things turn out well for op. Hopefully he keeps us updated - I think a lot of us are pining for him

I've had a family member (my father) cross some severe boundaries with me, I stood up for myself and it's the best decision I ever made, we were having more and more conflicts up to the point that I did and that we managed to iron out our differences. Since the turning point, he treats me as an equal (well, not quite - hes still a know-it-all old codger!) but he I feel he gives me the respect I deserve as an independent 23 year old. I hope you find the courage to stand up for yourself and possibly make waves to push your relationship with your mother to a point where you guys are closer, and this behaviour no longer goes on so neither of you have to feel severely disrespected by the other one ever again.

 King Pariah wrote:
This morning I went for my usual morning run and when I get home, my mother - who is staying here til June - had thrown out most of my 40k miniatures including a couple commissioned conversions claiming that it is too immature of a game for someone of my age (nigh 23) to be playing and frankly didn't give a gak about the commissioned pieces. Not sure what to do, and not sure if this is the right forum, but yeah, any advice would be helpful.

Go find your mother a motel. My instinct would be one that rents rooms by the hour, (you dig the type of place, I hope). Take all her stuff there, then take her.
If you get told that you're being disrespectful, point out that she lost you some paid work as well as a valuable collection.

This is me being restrained. If it happened to me, well...

To the OP: first thing to do is get your miniatures. But I assume if they're retrievable you have done so. The second is to tell her that she just through out £X hundred pounds worth of stuff, including some which you were being paid for working on. She may not realize just how valuable they are as people outside the hobby normally do not. Thirdly, tell her in no uncertain terms that she's your guest, this is your home and if she can't show you as much respect as a stranger on the street would, there's something wrong. Fourth, make it damn clear that the miniatures are your property and she's not to throw away your property. Fifth, you ultimately don't require her approval to have a hobby. Gentlemen have had hobbies since before Edwardian days and she should be glad that you lean toward the artistic rather than going stag hunting or opium or whatever else people have filled their free time with over the centuries.


Automatically Appended Next Post:

 SHUPPET wrote:
Of course, if you are just coasting off all the money she provides and your entire army was built under her paychecks, then well - please do disregard everything I just said. In which case you should be doing as your mother tells you, boy.

Oh yeah, if that's the case however, you might want to reassess whether she has a right to be angry.


Automatically Appended Next Post:

 the shrouded lord wrote:
fixed it, sorry, I know you are from a different country, but loose instead of lose drives me crazy.

Thank God I'm not the only one. This seems to have started up in the last year or so, suddenly everyone has forgotten the difference between 'lose' and 'loose'. Drives me crazy!

 Niiai wrote:
There is an old saying that you can not choose your parents.

I do not know you, your mom or how your culture work. But I would say that this is the indication of probably a bigger issue.

I always wear to the side or understanding and arguing and try not to loose my temper. As such I would not throw out somebody else's possessions I would talk to them about it. Why she threw out your possessions means I have very little understanding of why she would do such a thing.

It would seem she has problem of her own and is acting them out on you. (I do not know why she was living with you in the first place.) If so then I would try to decide your position in this and how involved you should or can be. The lost models are probably not the big issue here.

Or she is unsatisfied with your life choices. If she is please talk to her and find out what she is unsatisfied with. Being a very independent person myself I would sugest you explain to her that at your age you are free to live as you please, you will take her aguments into consideration but at the end it is your life and you deside.

I suspect she comes from a generation and culture where painting tiny models at best is assisiated with painting tin soldiers. At least in Norway this is no longer the case, as hobbies are velcome in moderations. Some even make a living out of their hobbies. Even if you are just playing and painting it is good exersice for the brain with math and rules remembering. Strategic planing can be aplied to many different tasks. And the painting part trains your left side of the brain and keeps you creative. There are no bad arguments about playing warhammer then the time invested if you can not miss something.

If you can not retrive the models then they are gone. Mourn them and then take the opertunaty for a fresh start. If you like warhammer you will get new models after a while. If you lost your army perhaps start a new one.

Edit: I see a lot of you joke about this. That is a fine coping mecanic but some serius advise would be apreciated. I do not think pranets usualy do this kind of behavior.

Exalted for rarity. A reasonable response to a difficult question on a forum.

Well good news, Mother and I had a talk and finally I got her to calm down and it all ended up working out for the better. Most of the models are in decent shape, and those that aren't are fixable except my Kharn WIP Conversion, some parts (head, part of his left hand, right leg, axe head, left foot) have utterly vanished. Not gonna lie, "Blood for the Blood God! Skulls for the Skull Throne!" did run through my head a few times with a certain level of maniacal amusement.

As for whoever said force slave labor upon her to make her feel like an Asian child laborer or whatnot, thanks for the laugh promptly followed by the feeling of "feeling bad that I found that funny." My mom is Asian (Korean) and is child-sized, legally a midget (don't care if little people/person is the PC term, most of the shorter individuals I've known find that so much more offensive than midget) here in the US, which garners her weird looks of "How the hell did she give birth to that guy (me, 5'9" ~175 lb)!?!?!???"

Back on track, Thanks guys for the advice and humor! The jokes are fine by me, jokes in general help keep me from losing my cool (even if I'm the butt of them).

 knas ser wrote:

 the shrouded lord wrote:
fixed it, sorry, I know you are from a different country, but loose instead of lose drives me crazy.

Thank God I'm not the only one. This seems to have started up in the last year or so, suddenly everyone has forgotten the difference between 'lose' and 'loose'. Drives me crazy!

Um..Yeah...the poster is writing in a second language and openly admits he struggles with dyslexia, how's about cutting him some slack on that one?

azreal13 I do not struggle with my dyslexia. knas and shrouded lord struggle with my dyslexia. Cyber-feminism 101 bitches. ^_^

 Niiai wrote:
azreal13 I do not struggle with my dyslexia. knas and shrouded lord struggle with my dyslexia. Cyber-feminism 101 bitches. ^_^

Exalted.

You got your models back and you settled her down. Good work bro. Hope everything goes well for the two of you. Hope she realises her mistake and doesn't do anything similar again.

Thanks!

 SHUPPET wrote:
Hope she realises her mistake and doesn't do anything similar again.

Not getting my hopes up here. Many toys whilst I was a child have been tossed due to me "outgrowing" them (Legos, Erector Sets, the rodent trap catapult designed to make the rodent some neighbor's problem - if it survived the impact, etc.)

Well, you are no longer a child. Accepting the models isn't really enough if she is going to visit your house, she needs to accept everything - have that talk with her or expect to find your PS4 missing come the next visit.

Yeah, conservative Asian moms would have a tendency to do that. Especially if they grew up in a conservative environment with their moms also acting that way to them. They mean well, but they were raised like that and they sincerely believe they're doing you good. I'm glad my mom didn't turn out that way.

Tell your mom that about 60% of the 40k players I used to play with are successful middle-aged Chinese businessmen, if that helps. It's an okay way to meet new people, and you need to know people if you want to be more successful because connections are important.

 King Pariah wrote:

 Niiai wrote:
azreal13 I do not struggle with my dyslexia. knas and shrouded lord struggle with my dyslexia. Cyber-feminism 101 bitches. ^_^

Exalted.

Agreed...

I have a Chinese wife and I have a feeling she will be a lot like your mother is to our 4 year old son... already some of his toys have had the charity shop treatment.
They do have a hard line to most things because they beliebve that by being strict and focussing on education etc will make us successful, and when we become successful we can relax.
I have already been forbidden to allow our son anywhere near my 40K collection until after University so as not to distract him from his studies.... God knows how she will cope when girls come into the equation!!
She has tried and failed to set his career path for him already

 dantay_xv wrote:
They do have a hard line to most things because they beliebve that by being strict and focussing on education etc will make us successful, and when we become successful we can relax.

But that then becomes a case of, "well you could always be a bit more successful..." and never ends.

Dont worry I am slowly corrupting her to our softer western ways hahaha.

An example of career thing is, she lays out a pencil a calculator and a few other things and he chooses 1, this is meant to indicate his preferences for work/life and she will try to push him in that directio...... hahaha... last time she tried, he just looked at her and went in a voice like he was lecturing a dimwit "mummy" (shakes head) no no no no no..... come on daddy, choo choo trains

 Niiai wrote:
azreal13 I do not struggle with my dyslexia. knas and shrouded lord struggle with my dyslexia. Cyber-feminism 101 bitches. ^_^

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