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It was a dark day for the Imperium of Man. The Adeptus Astartes and the Imperial Guard had failed to repel the Chaos invasion. Even His Most Holy Inquisition was forced to retreat from the planet of Draxis 9. The few Guardsmen battalions that had not been destroyed had turned traitor. Hive Xasxis lay in ruins as the Alpha Legion wiped out what few defenders the city had left. The Highlords of Terra knew that they had one option left, it was time to call in the Promethean 653rd, and their leader, Commissar Steve.

As the Alpha Legion marines killed off the last of the cities' defenders, they paused as they heard a massive explosion. The traitor marines were lifted off their feet as drop pods bearing the mark of a skull, and the words "Aut Vincere, Aut Mori". The Prometheans had arrived.

Commissar General Steve led his troops into battle against the heretic forces, all the while shouting commands in Promethean Battle Cant. Targeting the enemy commander, he and his personal assualt squad charged into battle. As he ran, he sprayed shells from his bolter, splattering his greatcoat and gas mask with blood. Dalkans and Henreich made sure that Steve was not surrounded by Alpha Legion Marines. As he reached the Chaos commander, he punched both of his fists through the power armor, and pulled out not one, but both of the marine's hearts in one deft motion, then did a backflip kick and decapitated the traitor marine. Then, lifting the body with one manly hand, he tossed the body back into the melee, crushing a cultist under the armored bulk. Now the battle had really begun. Steve noticed a Promethean near death near his feet. With one hand, he lifted the broken body, "DID I GIVE YOU PERMISSION TO DIE, PRIVATE?! NO I DID NOT!" Steve bellowed, "YOU WILL NOT DIE UNTIL I TELL YOU, IS THAT CLEAR?!?!?!" The Promethean stood on both of his shattered legs, and continued to fire his autogun, thus was the power of Steve. To Steve's right, Captain Desetch tackled an Alpha Legion marine, and stabbed him through the visor with his chainsword. To Steve's left, Private Stansfield (a Private for over eight years) was loading the heavy bolter cannon, and accidently loaded his hand into the breach. This was nothing new, it was commonly accepted that Stansfield was an idiot, if an incredibly lucky idiot.

"WAVE OF MOTIVATION! WAAAAVE!!!" Shouted Steve as he waded into the melee with nothing but his fists. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw a Promethean flee the battle. With awesome quickness, Steve grabbed the errant Guardsmen, and used him as a living club. With eyes that an eagle would kill to have, Steve looked into space to see a massive Chaos space hulk preparing to fire it's main cannon at the planet. With a mind that would make an adept beg for mental mercy, Steve concived a plan.

The Chaos Warmaster glanced out into the void, savoring the taste of victory, it was rather minty. The Warmaster intoned a prayer to the Dark Gods for his fortune, then spied something unusaul out of the corner of his eye: a flaming object was making it's way to the bridge!

Steve crashed through the glass, spraying the Warmaster with deadly rain, and exposing the ship to the void. AS the ship sealed the hole, "DON'T TURN AROUND, THE COMMISSAR'S IN TOWN!" The Warmaster turned around, incenced, Steve raced along the ship and gripped his awesome and manly hands around the Warmaster's head. With a sound not unlike a wet sponge being torn in half, the Warmaster's head seperated from his body. Hurling the head at the controls, Steve shut down the weapon's controls. It was a simple thing to fire himself from the planetary defence cannon, but getting back would be a bit harder.

The Bloodthirster laughed as it tore apart troops with ease, without Steve, the city was ripe for the taking. It laughed, an ugly, hate filled laugh, victory was at hand. There was no way that the Imperial Corpse-Worshipper's could win. It was over. Glancing skyward, the Bloodthirster saw a light, speeding to meet him, with a mighty thunderclap, the Space Hulk crushed the rest of the Alpha Legion and the Bloodthirster into so much powdered bones. The day was saved, thanks to Commissar Steve.

NOTE: IT IS SUPPOSED TO BE HAMMED UP

I lol'd

I hope to write many more in a series.
"MOTIVATION!!!"

JAJAJAJAJ great! i hope to read more

This is right on the verge of being epic Dakka humor! I had a good laugh at it as well as making me even more self conscience of my own writing. Did anyone else picture the entire seen in space like a paka-paka style anime?

Amazing story! You should be published!

Commissar Steve... I can get used to this...

Ediin wrote:

Damn, NEXT CAMPAIGN!

This I like

Mordoskul wrote:Damn, NEXT CAMPAIGN!

If you write that, I'll love you.

I epic lol'd AWESOME STUFF KEEP Writing.
Also can you later introduce someone by the name of conscript chucky. That would multiply its awesomeness by 10