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Made in gb
Irked Blood Angel Scout with Combat Knife




The Absoconditus

“Impact!”
Black.
“Breaking in 5, 4, 3...”

“Charge, brothers!”

And with that the assault on the Apathites began. Drop pods came down like the most devastating of hail storms on the shattered remains of the western wall. Thunderhawks circled the position, avoiding thudding artillery fire, adding to the fire storm evoking to and fro the city. Imperial basilisks had trained their eye upon the western side, rendering the defences of the wall utterly destroyed. And with that, the opening for the Space Marines was set; now that the drop pods were falling there was little hope for the Apathites.

Anra let his bolter bark shells into the charging group of soldiers. His squad followed behind him. Roaring bolter fire enveloped the wall opening as the Legiones Astartes charged to find cover in the debris. A battle brother threw a grenade which blew apart a score of Apathites taking shelter in a nearby building. They screamed.

Laser fire illuminated the dusty opening in a vengeful red as the defenders sought to retain their honour and fight their enemy. Alas each bolt did little more than scorch the ceramite plate of the Astartes. However, moments before they settled into covered, heavy artillery fire raked the ground around them lifting one battle brother in the air, a line of bullet holes scarring his carapace.
“Duthir, heavy bolter fire on that building, now!” Anra ordered. Little than a second later the trained eye of the heavy weapons operator shattered apart the building where the artillery gun was situated, Anra added to the fire and so did the rest of the squad. Still the gun fired hail after hail of shells into their position.
“We should have brought a rocket launcher!” Duthir cried.
A thudding boom exploded the tower and Anra glanced back, wide eyed.
Vindicators! No less than six fully armoured Vindicators with dozer blades were sweeping the opening clean, squads of Astartes followed in file among the tanks.

“Saved your arse again, Anra!” came a voice from the top of a tank.
“Brutus you old bastard, what are you doing in that tank?”
“The boys said they’d give me a ride,” he chuckled and pushed himself up and out of the cockpit and joined his Devastators by the side of the tank.“Don’t thank me yet,” he said padding Anra on his shoulder. The gun fire returned, more Apathities were rushing in to join the fight.
Anra fired his bolter into the enemy who were running for cover. He scored a headshot. Brutus laughed and ordered his devastators into a near building.

Under the cover of the devastators‘ fire, Anra and his men advanced into the dusty chaos of the city streets.

   
Made in us
Brainless Servitor





Georgia, USA

Euzebeau wrote:
Laser fire illuminated the dusty opening in a vengeful red as the defenders sought to retain their honour and fight their enemy. Alas each bolt did little more than scorch the ceramite plate of the Astartes. However, moments before they settled into covered, heavy artillery fire raked the ground around them lifting one battle brother in the air, a line of bullet holes scarring his carapace.

If they are under fire from heavy artillery, such as Basalisks or earth shakers, it's probably going to do more damage than "a line of bullet holes". Here you've down played the artillery, that is to say that you've made it sound pretty weak for heavy artillery. Instead of "raked the ground" try "shattered the earth around them". This sounds much more powerful, and worthy of a huge monster like an earth shaker. Also, if they really are getting pounded by the big guns, they going to at least get tossed around, so try saying something like "the marines were thrown to the ground. All but one got back up again, the seam at his throat pierced by shrapnel."

Euzebeau wrote:
“Duthir, heavy bolter fire on that building, now!” Anra ordered. Little than a second later the trained eye of the heavy weapons operator shattered apart the building where the artillery gun was situated,

this is really a mere specification problem. When you say "Shattered apart the building", i beleive you mean that the heavy bolter is tearing up the area of the building's wall and roof edge where this gun is situated, instead of completely destroying the building, which is what you make it sound like. As the Vindicator clearly destroys the building later, this is not the case. You might want to just say "tore apart the area beneath the gun."

Euzebeau wrote:
A thudding boom exploded the tower and Anra glanced back, wide eyed.
Vindicators! No less than six fully armoured Vindicators with dozer blades were sweeping the opening clean, squads of Astartes followed in file among the tanks.

This is a phrasing problem here. A better way to phrase this sentence would be:
"There was a sudden explosion at the base of the tower and it collapsed in a cloud of dust. Anra glanced back and saw no less than six fully armoured Vindicators..."
This sounds much better than before, and Anra, who seems to be a Sergeant and would therefore have a wealth of experience, would not be wide eyed over an unexpectedly exploding building.
Also, since the artillery piece seems to be firing quite rapidly and with light damage, it sounds more like a mortar more than a heavy gun, which would also be rather impractical to place on top of a tower. You may want to call it a mortar instead.

Otherwise, the story is very good. Your grammar is good, the story is quite nice, and i hope to see more.
These are, of course, all suggestions to improve your story, which i hope you'll take

And when he gets to Heaven, to St. Peter he will tell. 'One more soldier reporting for duty. I've served my time in Hell.'
The Essential Space Marine Commandments:
Thou shalt not do Spock impersonations around Eldar
Thou shalt not refer to the Rhino transports as "pimp wagons," nor shalt thou use the phrase, "If the Rhino be rockin, don't come a knockin."
Thou shall not ask a Sister if you might "donate some of your own Gene-Seed."
Thou shalt not unplug the Golden Throne just "for laughs".
Thou shalt Not unplug the Golden Throne just "for laughs".
Thou shalt NOT unplug the Golden Throne just "for laughs".
My Stories:The Emperor's Justice
Dreadnought
Fluff: Eternal Watchers 
   
Made in gb
Irked Blood Angel Scout with Combat Knife




The Absoconditus

thanks for the reply man some fair points made!
   
Made in us
Brainless Servitor





Georgia, USA

Very Welcome I hope this helps improve your writing!

And when he gets to Heaven, to St. Peter he will tell. 'One more soldier reporting for duty. I've served my time in Hell.'
The Essential Space Marine Commandments:
Thou shalt not do Spock impersonations around Eldar
Thou shalt not refer to the Rhino transports as "pimp wagons," nor shalt thou use the phrase, "If the Rhino be rockin, don't come a knockin."
Thou shall not ask a Sister if you might "donate some of your own Gene-Seed."
Thou shalt not unplug the Golden Throne just "for laughs".
Thou shalt Not unplug the Golden Throne just "for laughs".
Thou shalt NOT unplug the Golden Throne just "for laughs".
My Stories:The Emperor's Justice
Dreadnought
Fluff: Eternal Watchers 
   
 
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