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I know how much OT loves these blog-esque posts, but I'm sort of lost on this one. My room mate (for 2 more months, FWIW) is compulsive talker. She vocalizes her thought process to get through things, everything from "I need to get a cup out of the cabinet, now I need to turn on the faucet... wait, I want a different cup, what kind should I grab, let's get that one..." to expletives on a near-constant basis for things like leaving said cup in the kitchen when coming to sit down, going back to the kitchen, getting distracted and grabbing something else, coming back to sit down, realizing she forgot the cup again, going back to get it, and so on. I'm not trying to diss her, she's been a very good friend and helped me out when I would have been back on the street, just trying to paint a clear picture. She used to complain that whenever I got on subjects that were "too deep," it would fry her brain. I believe this whole-heartedly as when I really let myself go, I can go all sorts of analytical. Being a lifelong nerd with a surprising amount of self-control, I am completely aware what I'm talking about all the time. This is not an exaggeration, take it at face value. I realized early on nobody gave a crap about my nerdy hobbies, so only other nerds got to hear about them, and it has since applied to how I talk about music with people, have political or spiritual discussions and things of that nature. Only my best friends get to hear "the real me" saying everything I'd like to (I'm sure some of you can relate). It's now to the point that I can say one or two sentences and she'll get snappy instantly, either assuming she knows what I'm going to say (and hearing what she was thinking I was going to say regardless if it's what I actually said or not) or saying she doesn't want to hear it. I've pointed out her banter before a couple of times (mainly using the argument "I say roughly one tenth of what you say, I'm not trying to be unfair"), but she gets very sensitive about it and it doesn't actually solve anything. How can I realistically solve this so I can have a peaceful month or two before I move out? To get things straight, I'm not trying to get her to talk any less, only trying to get it to the point where I either know what to say or just keep the peace in general. She left a note earlier stating that that she tries to keep her talking down, but at least she doesn't "go on and on" in "every conversation." If need be I will just stay mum for the next two months to keep the peace. If this were any other situation a "you're not worth my time, feth you" would already have been issued, but I'm going to be around this person a bit longer and she's been a very, very good friend. Ideas dakka? At the moment I'm about to compose a note "expressing how I feel" which I'm horrible at doing, in hopes that maybe my side becomes more visible. I dunno.

Please no "tl;dr" or similar bullcrap, I'd prefer actual answers if possible (this coming from me )

tl;dr

I didn't see in that wall o' text a mention of you apologizing for hurting her feelings.

Have we tried that?

I wouldn't use a note that seems not informal or very polite.

Perhaps try to have a talk to her about whats going on.

If you are having trouble with her and she gets angry and continues to do what she does then perhaps move out.

So roommates/freinds are hell to live with and it might be better to go.

Monster Rain wrote:tl;dr

I didn't see in that wall o' text a mention of you apologizing for hurting her feelings.

Have we tried that?

First thing; I got silenced on it halfway through my sentence, but pressed on anyway. I *think* the point got across.

Yak: I am moving out, but not for another month or two.

Cannerus_The_Unbearable wrote:

Monster Rain wrote:tl;dr

I didn't see in that wall o' text a mention of you apologizing for hurting her feelings.

Have we tried that?

First thing; I got silenced on it halfway through my sentence, but pressed on anyway. I *think* the point got across.

I think now all you can do is wait for her to decide whether or not she forgives you.

There's nothing you can do, IMHO.

For the sake of two months (and hence the friendship in general), just stay mum, try to put a smile on your face and if you feel its going to come to a head, take a deep breath and walk away.
You've said shes a good friend, thats shes helped you out so why jeopordize that for the sake of 60 days?
Yes its not the best solution and you could probably sit down and trash things out but Im getting the impression you're looking for a relatively quiet two months and a new start.

Disclaimer: YMMV and interwez relationship advice yaddayaddayadda

Lets see....
1) Agree with everything she says
2) If you feel the need to actually start conversations, do so in a way that makes it about her.
3) Deal with it and move the hell out. Distance makes the heart grow fonder.

Monster Rain wrote:tl;dr

I didn't see in that wall o' text a mention of you apologizing for hurting her feelings.

Have we tried that?

Eh? What does he have to apologise for? She sounds like a right fething ball-ache.

@Cannerus - I would grant her wish, and just not talk to her at all. She sounds like a total idiot. In fact, she sounds borderline autistic, if I'm being honest.

I loved this bit:

I realized early on nobody gave a crap about my nerdy hobbies, so only other nerds got to hear about them, and it has since applied to how I talk about music with people

Some people can be very hard to live with, despite being friends. Most shared house arrangements end up building up a lot of resentment, it's kind of inevitable. Just figure you're probably just as annoying to her as she is to you, and try and last out the last

Hey, I took a contract in a country town for six months one time, and to put me up free they organised for me to share with a woman in some council provided housing. She was a bitter, strange old woman, but I was working 10-12 hour days so I tried to stay friendly and keep out of her way as much as possible. After about a month I got a call at work from a neighbour, saying this woman was piling all my stuff out on the front verandah. Me and my boss went around there to find out what was happening, and she said I was so rude because I never tried to talk to her about her kids or her interests, and she couldn't stand me being there any more. She went on this tirade about kids these days, as my boss and I gathered my stuff. I told her she was going die alone and left, never seeing her again.

So, ummm, try to avoid that happening.

Albatross wrote:

God, that pic makes me hate Gaga by itself.

SHE KILLED KERMIT! Many times.


As to your situation, I would apologize in some way that she will let you, keep it short and sweet, and then stay mum until she forgives you.

Well, since the OP did ask for minimal trolling:

Honestly women do not want to hear what you want to say. They like to talk and they want you to be attentive even if they are speaking useless drivel. If you have a problem with how she is, then you are going to have a problem with what most women have to say. You need to work on your conversation skills:

"Wow that was pretty interesting..."

"What was her name again?"

"How long did you say it took?"

"I can't believe they did that!"

"I know honey, I know..."

"Tell me that last part again"



Also in related news, if you want to build sexual tension, try these out:


"What did you say? Sorry I stopped listening a few minutes ago."

"Oh, I’m sorry! Did I break your concentration?"

"Oh, so you’re one of those…."

"Have you been drinking again?"

"Are you drunk or are you always like this?"

"Did you come over here just to flirt with me?"

"Don’t get your hopes up. I’m not easy."

"I don’t think my girlfriend would like it that you’re hitting on me."

"Stop trying to impress me."

(whenever she talks about other guys) "Stop trying to make me jealous."

Are you always like this, or just with guys you’re attracted to?

biccat wrote:Well, since the OP did ask for minimal trolling:

Isnt the troll meme:

"Try hitting her"

Women like her love it when you ask them questions.
Especially the "what do you think", "how do you feel about.." kind.

Well, women are fickle. What else can be said? If she's not willing to talk it out then there's not much you can do.

My guess is that the "one trick pony" conversation about Of Montreal, Gaga, ad nauseum has gotten a bit stale though. And she's not talking for your sake when she babbles about getting cups from cabinets or what-have-you. You just pointed out that you think she talks too much and that you consider it a flaw. They hate it when you point out flaws.

Also, I'm sure there's so much more to this than having anything to do with dialogue. Chances are you've been doing something to piss her off all along and it's just been building. Probably completely unrelated to what she's flipping out about too.

minimal troll

tl;dr, lrn2carriagereturn.

/minimal troll

Maybe she's trying to over compensate for your lack of conversation?

If she's such a good friend, deal with it. If not stop moaning about it and move out sooner or just avoid her. If you've been friends for a long time why haven't you accepted that's the way she is? Sounds like she has with the way you are and she only criticizes after you've had a dig at her.

I might have missed some key elements in your post but every time I tried to read it my eyes crossed and I had to start again.

Cannerus_The_Unbearable wrote:
Please no "tl;dr" or similar bullcrap, I'd prefer actual answers if possible (this coming from me )

And we would prefer easily readable posts but hey, what can you do

Albatross wrote:Eh? What does he have to apologise for? She sounds like a right fething ball-ache.

If he still wants to be friends with this squirrelly broad that's what he needed to do.

Me, I'd just give he a boot in the craw. And them blame her for it.

Oh yes...




Automatically Appended Next Post:

daedalus wrote:Also, I'm sure there's so much more to this than having anything to do with dialogue.

This kind of goes without saying in this sort of thread.

NO NOTE!

My grandmother used to pull that crap on everyone when she couldn't vent in person. She would just send a letter that listed all the things you had done to piss her off since you first met.

John Paul Satre said "hell is being locked in a room with your friends."

Don't mention her talking, be tactful, don't rock the boat unnecessarily, and hold out until you move out.

It sounds like she feels as if you've rather out stayed your welcome.

Buy her a present for being such a "good" friend to you. Some luxury item that she would never splurge out on herself like bath salts (does she take baths) her favorite perfume (not the one she wears everyday the special occasion one, this may require detective work).

Pilau Rice wrote:Maybe she's trying to over compensate for your lack of conversation?

This. Many people, and not just women, can't stand a void or silence. They compensate by filling the void themselves. The less you talk, the more they talk. It's a viscous cycle.

If they are really your friend this is something you might just have to learn to accept. For them to talk less, you'll need to talk more.

Albatross wrote:
I loved this bit:

I realized early on nobody gave a crap about my nerdy hobbies, so only other nerds got to hear about them, and it has since applied to how I talk about music with people

Ha, that's a different story, Alby I was merely presenting it for the masses. They were the ones who chose to respond with such vigor and in all cases I merely matched force.

daedalus wrote:Well, women are fickle. What else can be said? If she's not willing to talk it out then there's not much you can do.

My guess is that the "one trick pony" conversation about Of Montreal, Gaga, ad nauseum has gotten a bit stale though. And she's not talking for your sake when she babbles about getting cups from cabinets or what-have-you. You just pointed out that you think she talks too much and that you consider it a flaw. They hate it when you point out flaws.

Also, I'm sure there's so much more to this than having anything to do with dialogue. Chances are you've been doing something to piss her off all along and it's just been building. Probably completely unrelated to what she's flipping out about too.

Surprise; there were other issues too She'd probably prefer if I just talked about Gaga. Honestly, if all she heard were snippets I post on the OT this problem never would've come up at all I like to break things down or discuss underlying themes (which I have a couple other friends for, thankfully, I just don't live with them yet).

Pilau Rice wrote:
And we would prefer easily readable posts but hey, what can you do

Didn't realize I was holding you at gun point to read them

----------

The difference between this post and other "emo posts" as MR so respectfully put it is that I was actually looking for feedback (and venting, probably more than anything), not pulling an "I'm going to whine and complain and ask what I should do then ignore all your advice because it sounds like too much work." At the end of the day (night?), I woke up feeling better and had reaffirmed that I was taking a good course of action in just dealing. I'm going to tailor my conversations a bit under the guise of not doing so and let it rest. My guess is that in a week or two I actually will be able to slip in some things I care about too, but I'm not going to push it. It's the little white lies that save men's souls If I wanted to be emo I could start venting about the fact that my mom who I've had a strained relationship to just called me and talked about her will as she's not going to be around much longer due to illness (which may yet be genetic; let's wait for the dice to drop) and I'm pretty much a broken mess of a person this particular second, but I'll spare you as this obviously ain't the place.

@Ma55ter: Note already sent, actually I got a small amount of counter-bitching but mainly her explaining some of her feelings more which I was able to translate into man-thoughts fairly well. In her words, "She'd be going through the same thing whether I was here or not." At the end of the day, the crazies have to learn to stick together (in healthy ways, at least).

This sums up your little problem, sadly no one has the manual

I'm not going to tl;dr THIS time, but for the love of God at least put in some fething paragraphs

I never really got the tl;dr thing anyways....anyone care to explain that one?




This is the problem with moving in with friends, you always find out why you actually cant stand them. It does suck but its the truth. As far as your problem have you explained to her thats just how you are? I think if you write your "note" a couple times and read through it and all that junk, that might actually help your situation. My wife is a note person as well. She couldnt talk about her feelings if it would save my life. So the few times Ive warranted a note, its been a note.

Also some people are just clueless about others as far as how they function. I personally cant grasp that, because I get people but thats me. So Id say explain to her in a note, what your worried about and your predicament. If shes an understanding adult, she should get where your coming from and things should be fine. If not... tread lightly, unless you liked sleeping in your car

KingCracker wrote:I never really got the tl;dr thing anyways....anyone care to explain that one?

"Too long; didn't read"

If it's all that someone posts in a message it's pretty much useless spam and the person who did it should feel like the simpleton that they are.


Automatically Appended Next Post:

Ma55ter_fett wrote:NO NOTE!

My grandmother used to pull that crap on everyone when she couldn't vent in person. She would just send a letter that listed all the things you had done to piss her off since you first met.

Yeah, notes are never a good idea. It's better to do this sort of thing in person.

AAHhhhhhhh many thanks MR

My pleasure, good sir.

I took her out to lunch. I let her jibber jabber and I tried purposely talking in between her jibber jabber. At first she would just keep going, but at one point it started resembling a conversation, with her eating up more of the share, but better than it was. Pilau and TGG might have had it right. More testing shall commence.

Have you considered just saying 'woman, quit yo' jibber-jabber'?

A brisk pimp-slap with a talc-dusted leather glove is optional.

I find that "Go bake a pie, wench" gets the point across nicely.

I found living with a woman you weren't in bed with is generally bad news. Doable but not desirable.

To a certain extent it is a fairly womanly trait. They just have to fill up silence more then men. My wife often fills up silence with this and that; part gossip, part future-thought, part opinion, part complaining - jibberjabber is a good word. I sometimes ignore, sometimes encourage with questions, sometimes divert to my own interest in conversation. When I don't respond much she usually thinks i'm in a bad mood. Whatever, its fairly minor for the most part. Its a bit of a woman thing, try to help them understand men like to sit quiet sometimes.

If its a running commentary that could get annoying. If it really is your friend, than you should probably try to help them. If it is annoying you, its probably annoying other people too. She will definitely be defensive, and this has to be a long-term plan as it won't work in a couple months. I think a note between friends is just fine - anything to get communication going. These are difficult issues, its difficult for her to talk about. If you can get allies, like other friends/family that think the same thing, it would probably be easier. I'm guessing its not overtly noticable until you spend alot of time with her, or like you, alot of downtime. It's not so 'down' for you with her yak yak yak, so its hard for you too.

If you want to stay, and you want to be her friend, then you need to dig deep for patience and love. Having a goal to help her would make it easier. You have to point out the specifics of their conversational flaws 'you talk too much' doesn't cut it. Don't respond to running commentary at all, if possible, and if you get to the point where she admits she does that and wants to stop (or do it less), try to get her to agree that you can point it out to her, in the spirit of friendship and acceptance. Then point it out later, gently. (Later could mean just when she finally gets settled with her drink).

Anyways, hope that helped. I tried to help a (girl)friend once, and never had enough time to make much of a difference. My best friend, who i've known for decades, is a dyslexic talk-a-holic. In my early twenties i got the balls to tell him (again and again and again) about how people didn't like listening to him talk talk talk, and argue, and interrupt, and never question and encourage the other to talk. Ten years later, he's alot better at letting you talk but he's pretty much hopeless too.