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 Arcsquad12 wrote:
You tell us to get back on topic, after you derailed your own thread

I've read and re-read the last two pages, and Alie was never the cause for derailment. What was the main cause was the conversation that grew from your 'brevity' quote, a conversation that Alie did not start. True, he did ask what it meant, but that question wasn't the precursor to the off-topic chatter that followed, that was Kyras' post about not being able to take the phrase you used seriously. Kyras' post was then quoted and replied to, which prompted Alie to mention the vocabulary and make the off-hand comment about his intellectual level. The 'brevity' quote was then replied to with a further quote, which itself was replied to about something something now totally unrelated. None of those replies was Alie's.

After that, Alie's intelligence level was replied to, which prompted Alie to make another comment about his IQ-a comment that could very easily have been ignored, much like the intelligence comment, had anyone been as focussed on getting back on topic as they claim to be when it suits them-followed by a push to get back on topic. Unfortunately, the IQ level was responded to, a response which started a cascade of replies, the topics of which included the ability to verify claims made online, sarcasm, and Aspergers. After Alie restates that he cannot start typing everything up-he had previously mentioned that he was soon going to bed-the gak hits the fan and everyone starts wanting to know why he derailed the thread.

Alie may not have helped the fact that off-topic comments were made, but he did not start the conversations they were made in. Those conversations were started either by other people giving increasingly off-topic replies, or by the inability for others to ignore comments. Alie's intelligence level and IQ could both have easily been ignored, but they were not, and that's now Alie's fault? Sure, it wasn't on-topic to make them, but nobody helped by replying to them, and they weren't exactly necessary to reply to in order to advance the thread.

Whilst I can see that this is taking a while, everybody, not just Alie, needs to calm down before they start making comments they might later regret. Everybody on this thread is responsible for monitoring the topic and making sure it doesn't get to the point where people are requesting that they return to it. There were enough places in the past two pages that allowed the off-topic comments to be headed off, and everybody needs to start taking some responsbility if they really want to help here.

LoneLictor has provided a very good place where the topic can restart, provided that whatever has happened over these last few pages is left alone. It should be obvious to everyone that what has evolved is only detrimental, so I sincerely hope that people will try their best to be understanding, calm, and patient, as well as mindful of what they say. If it's off-topic, nobody needs to hear it. If somebody else posts something off-topic, ignore it.

I don't have anything to add to the ideas here for now, but neither do I like seeing a Dakka Fiction thread, especially one with potential, go to waste because of perfectly preventable problems. If it escalates, mods can be called, and as much as I'd hate to see it happen, the thread could well be locked and people could well be suspended or banned. What happens then? A thread full of ideas, where lots of people are chipping in, has been lost, and those people have come out of it with grudges and chips on their shoulders. That is not what Dakka Fiction is about, and neither is it what Dakka as a whole is about.

If you feel you cannot add anything more, then just go, and don't make a big song and dance about it. If you want to stay, then be as civil as you possibly can. Threats to leave if people don't do X will not help, and those comments are best left unsaid. If you're fed up, then go, because you will only be hindering any progress being made by staying. If you feel better then by all means, come back, but don't start throwing your toys out of the pram because you're fed up.

Whether you are staying, or whether you are going, this thread has had enough pointless conflict. I'm not a moderator, so you can really do whatever you want after reading this, but I am another user of this forum, and I want to see its standards upheld and to remain able to come back to relax and talk with other people who share my interests, not to mention gain knowledge I could not otherwise obtain. I already know how to piss in people's chips and I'd wager that most other people do too, so currently this thread isn't helping anyone. What might help, however, is civil co-operation and self-moderation, and I know a lot of people who could do with learning about all that so why not show them how it's done.

Thank you very much for your well thought out comment, Avatar. I share your opinion that to see this thread locked or de-railed would be a monumental waste of potential. We here are doing our best to help, even with the negative comments.

If someone cannot handle negativity, then they have bigger problems than their writing abilities. Tough love is needed.

Indeed. Negativity is a posotivity all its own.

I think it would be a better race for fantasy than 40k, but I like the Lynx a lot! Good work!

 LoneLictor wrote:

 Mynameisalie wrote:

 liquidjoshi wrote:
Lonelictor is respected here for a good reason Alie; he writes very well, and has the rep to prove it. The first thing I learned about this site is that the occupants don't water down their advice. It's blunt and to the point, which can be harsh on a newbie. The plus side is that you develop a thick skin, and learn to take criticism. Reaper is being helpful in his way, but you see it as "whining". What we all want is for you to write something that is worthy of publication, and worth sending to GW. What you have now isn't, and splitting your efforts into a novel too won't help.

Trust us on this. Leave the novel, focus on the 'dex.

And cheers glass

glass is right, take it down. It's just a distraction.
And ghosts are a massive cliche, as well as a massive plot device to drop this early in. Not grimdark enough either.

I just don't see the advice he's giving me. I don't know what exactly it is he wants me to change: it's too general! I need a particular target!
Oh, and I had it planned to the point actually where it wasn't Sadron at all. It was a Tzeentchian daemon impersonating him. And lying to him.

Alright, here's what I have to say.

1. The Lynx society should not be utopian. It should not even be close. Look at the Tau; they're the closest thing to good guys in 40k, yet its a caste based society where an elite few lord over all others, going as far as to mind-control them. Look at the Eldar that your Lynx kinda mimic; they suppress emotion and freedom utterly, as taking too much enjoyment from life could be the death of them. So, make Lynx society dirtier. If it's communist, focus on how its an insane dystopian society where hardwork is punished and laziness rewarded. If it's capitalist, focus on how the average Lynx is left to starve in the streets while an elite and highly corrupt few control every aspect of society. If it's a democracy, make the average Lynx an idiot who supports dangerous policies he doesn't understand. If its a dictatorship, make the Lynxs' leader(s) corrupt and uncaring. Maybe gangs rule the streets. Maybe the government has set up a totalitarian surveillance system.

2. There are three main Xenos races; the Orks, Tyranids and Necrons. These are the only races who rival the strength of the Imperium of Man as well as the strength of the Traitor Legions. Tau, Eldar, Hrud, Squats, Zoats and all the other funky Xenos in 40k are minor races. They don't control more than a few planets. Though they most certainly have an affect on the galaxy around them, they aren't the center of attention. So the Lynx should be the same. They aren't a powerful Empire.

Despite not being powerful, they can still be compelling. The Eldar have a sizable fanbase, even though they're a dying race who fight for survival more than anything else. So, your Lynx don't need to be a threat to the Imperium of Man to be compelling. All they need to be is unique and indepth.

3. Read this and learn from my mistakes.

4. Lynx can't be stronger, smarter and faster than the average human, with better senses too. The Eldar are fragile, the Tau are clumsy, Orks are dumb, Tyranids are mindless without synapse and Necrons are really slow. Having paws rather than fingers isn't enough of a weakness. Maybe the Lynx should be more fragile than humans. Think Cheetahs; despite being one of the Savannah's top predators, they are incapable of taking a punch. If you hit a Cheetah, it's gonna stay down.

I'll be able to offer more helpful criticism after you make the bigass post about every Lynx thing you've written so far.

I just want to make a point about the Lynx's general anatomy. You say that Eldar are genuinely frail, but they still have T3 in game. It's the same for the Lynx. They are only very slightly better than an average human because of the hostile environments they had to adapt to. They have still retained some of their Apex Predator aspects that were present all those millennia ago, but they have had little need for them in the past 10,000 years. The Ferals have still retained these traits, having even higher sensory capacity and strength, but lack the psychic ability that Civil Lynx have. Earlier, I think I gave statlines for the two most basic troops units you can buy.

And I also have another question. Do you also want their generic Special Rules? There are quite a few of them, but they are important. War gear as well?

Rules and wargear is indeed part of "everything".

...
.....
...........
Holy crap this is going to take at least 4,000 words.
And Avatar is a genius! Thought we would look past that, but we didn't

...This will take a while, won't it?

A very long while.

Just a list:
Nearly all I have in my head on their society, undecided, decided, or just plain odd.
Special Rules
Psychic Tree
Army list
Yes, that's going to take a while.

 Mynameisalie wrote:

 LoneLictor wrote:

 Mynameisalie wrote:

 liquidjoshi wrote:
Lonelictor is respected here for a good reason Alie; he writes very well, and has the rep to prove it. The first thing I learned about this site is that the occupants don't water down their advice. It's blunt and to the point, which can be harsh on a newbie. The plus side is that you develop a thick skin, and learn to take criticism. Reaper is being helpful in his way, but you see it as "whining". What we all want is for you to write something that is worthy of publication, and worth sending to GW. What you have now isn't, and splitting your efforts into a novel too won't help.

Trust us on this. Leave the novel, focus on the 'dex.

And cheers glass

glass is right, take it down. It's just a distraction.
And ghosts are a massive cliche, as well as a massive plot device to drop this early in. Not grimdark enough either.

I just don't see the advice he's giving me. I don't know what exactly it is he wants me to change: it's too general! I need a particular target!
Oh, and I had it planned to the point actually where it wasn't Sadron at all. It was a Tzeentchian daemon impersonating him. And lying to him.

Alright, here's what I have to say.

1. The Lynx society should not be utopian. It should not even be close. Look at the Tau; they're the closest thing to good guys in 40k, yet its a caste based society where an elite few lord over all others, going as far as to mind-control them. Look at the Eldar that your Lynx kinda mimic; they suppress emotion and freedom utterly, as taking too much enjoyment from life could be the death of them. So, make Lynx society dirtier. If it's communist, focus on how its an insane dystopian society where hardwork is punished and laziness rewarded. If it's capitalist, focus on how the average Lynx is left to starve in the streets while an elite and highly corrupt few control every aspect of society. If it's a democracy, make the average Lynx an idiot who supports dangerous policies he doesn't understand. If its a dictatorship, make the Lynxs' leader(s) corrupt and uncaring. Maybe gangs rule the streets. Maybe the government has set up a totalitarian surveillance system.

2. There are three main Xenos races; the Orks, Tyranids and Necrons. These are the only races who rival the strength of the Imperium of Man as well as the strength of the Traitor Legions. Tau, Eldar, Hrud, Squats, Zoats and all the other funky Xenos in 40k are minor races. They don't control more than a few planets. Though they most certainly have an affect on the galaxy around them, they aren't the center of attention. So the Lynx should be the same. They aren't a powerful Empire.

Despite not being powerful, they can still be compelling. The Eldar have a sizable fanbase, even though they're a dying race who fight for survival more than anything else. So, your Lynx don't need to be a threat to the Imperium of Man to be compelling. All they need to be is unique and indepth.

3. Read this and learn from my mistakes.

4. Lynx can't be stronger, smarter and faster than the average human, with better senses too. The Eldar are fragile, the Tau are clumsy, Orks are dumb, Tyranids are mindless without synapse and Necrons are really slow. Having paws rather than fingers isn't enough of a weakness. Maybe the Lynx should be more fragile than humans. Think Cheetahs; despite being one of the Savannah's top predators, they are incapable of taking a punch. If you hit a Cheetah, it's gonna stay down.

I'll be able to offer more helpful criticism after you make the bigass post about every Lynx thing you've written so far.

I just want to make a point about the Lynx's general anatomy. You say that Eldar are genuinely frail, but they still have T3 in game. It's the same for the Lynx. They are only very slightly better than an average human because of the hostile environments they had to adapt to. They have still retained some of their Apex Predator aspects that were present all those millennia ago, but they have had little need for them in the past 10,000 years. The Ferals have still retained these traits, having even higher sensory capacity and strength, but lack the psychic ability that Civil Lynx have. Earlier, I think I gave statlines for the two most basic troops units you can buy.

And I also have another question. Do you also want their generic Special Rules? There are quite a few of them, but they are important. War gear as well?

So the feral Lynx are strong and fast, while the civil Lynx are psychics. I have the following questions.

1. Do the feral Lynx form some sort of slave underclass for the civil Lynx? After all, they're feral, they're definitely going to face discrimination.

2. Why are the civil Lynx psykers? Why did they evolve to be psykers, while the feral Lynx stayed unpsychic?

3. How much unwanted attention does being psychic attract for the civil Lynx?

4. Could the two (civil and feral) be considered different races? Biologically, they seem very different. Or are they like dog breeds, in that they're still the same species just different subspecies (or whatever the proper biological term is)?

5. Their hostile environment: is it still a threat to the Lynx? And, how is it threatening?

Good set of questions there.
They will all be answered in time.

Damn, this is longer than I thought it would be!

A whole codex usually is.

Not the codex, just the mass of info I have to compile. You know, the one everyone wants to pick to pieces?
But, I could just compile the codex instead, if you wanted.

No no. How about this? Have you got everything categorized? Just release one category at a time for criticism, once everyone has had their say, move onto the next category?

That gives us the chance to each offer our critique on specific areas, and it gives you more time to compile the rest of your work and tweak things based off our feedback.

Ok, I'll do the fluff chunk first.
Be warned, it's a long one.
Btw, I'm thinking of making the codex as an article first, which means you guys can tamper and change what you would like on it.

Easier than four chunks at the same time.

Chunks. Otherwise we can get lots of people making lots of changes, and disputes could be irritating (i.e. someone making a change, someone else changes it back, etc).

Interesting, I'll reserve judgment until the most recent arrangement of fluff arrives.

This is as much as I have got so far. I can't quite remember everything I have thought about these guys, but I'll try and get them down for you if I recall them.

So, here we go...
Just a note: it may seem completely and utterly unorganised.

First, absolutely pivotal thing about the Lynx, their Goddess. She is literally the centre of what the Lynx do in daily life. Imagine along the lines of female Emperor that doesn't and never had a mortal form (in my defence, best comparison I could make). Their religion is based around her. Their military fight in Her name. Why? The Lynx believe her to be the one that pulls the race to glory (and she's doing a decent job of it!) Smiths will very often inscribe Her name into the blades and hilts of swords in Lynx runes, to bear good luck to the wielder. You could say the Lynx are very superstitious about their Goddess, luck, fate etc. She is INCREDIBLY important. For several reasons. She was the one that gifted the Lynx race with the powers of psykers, and also the one who, every single second, prevents daemons from corrupting her patron race's souls by willingly putting herself in the way of the assault and shielding their minds from daemonic possession. Hence, it is rare a Lynx will involuntarily turn to Chaos.

How she came to be is still an undecided matter on my behalf. I have NO IDEA where she came from, but my best theory at the moment is a consciousness generated from the souls of the whole Lynx populace, even the "blind" ones. "Blind" Lynx are those who still inhabit worlds where advanced technology, like plasma weaponry, advanced computing systems etc haven't even been dreamed of yet. Hence, these Lynx are commonly referred to as ferals, both by the IoM and the Tau. Civil Lynx, ones who are psykers, call them either the "blind" or the "unenlightened", due to them not having the benefit of the realisation that the Goddess has arrived to bring their race to glory.

Both culture and physiology is different in these two types of Lynx, but they both share the same triple-helix DNA pattern. Where this pattern originated, the Lynx do not know. What it contains, though, is another matter. One strand of the Helix contains the base genetic programming of a Lynx; what they look like, their personality etc. Another is the psyker gene. This gene lies totally and utterly dormant in Ferals; hence they are as prone to daemonic possession as a normal human would be. It can only be activated through direct contact with the energy that resides in Silvite. The third strand is very strange, but as far as the Lynx understand it, it is a last resort to daemonic possession or Enslavers. If a daemon or an Enslaver happens to infest a Lynx's mind, this gene will suddenly stimulate the release of nanoscopic enzymes the cut away the psyker gene forcefully from the Helix, isolate it, and alter it. The way in which is altered is considered a horror to any Civil Lynx: they unfortunate soul that undergoes this process will have their psychic powers stripped from them. But even worse, the Lynx keeps their life, at the cost of their very soul. They are stripped of most emotion, becoming very similar to human psychic blanks in the respect they are unnerving to sentient beings that are in their presence. Naturally, this has an anti-psyker effect on surrounding Lynx, which is why these poor beings are usually put out of their misery, in the form of a smoking Lance Pistol muzzle. The Lynx consider it a curse to live without feeling, without emotion, without a soul. But, in some rare cases, the more powerful "blanks" are kept and used against the ranks of Chaos, when the time comes. Hence, they join the ranks of the Silenced.

Another important facet of all this is a strange metal named Silvite. It is indigenous to this Galaxy, possibly meaning it arrived during a meteor storm flung out millions of years ago from another Galaxy. It does, however, have a very interesting property. It absorbs surrounding energy and transfers it into a form which the IoM term Omnus-Energy, which literally means All-energy. The reason for its name is due to the fact it can be used as a source of power for nearly any machine you can think of. In terms of energy storage, and good chunk of the stuff, say the size of a house could be used as a suitable replacement as a Plasma Reactor of at least three times the size. It also has a psych-stabilization effect, acting as a psychic inhibitor that taps excess power that is often radiated from a Lynx when they are performing a more complex feat of psychic manipulation. This makes it very useful in powering machines and as safeguards against dangerous levels of psychic power. Another interesting property is that this Omnus-energy will decay into matter overtime, often causing Silvite to look as if it was growing like a living plant. The abundance of a sustainable metal means most Lynx weaponry and armour is made out of it.

The reason why planets of Lynx become psychic instead of small, random errors in gene coding is also due to Silvite. Without it, Cleovara would not have been born and the Lynx would still be little more than uncivilised animals living on a handful of worlds. During Her birth, the energy contained within the Silvite gave Cleovara just enough energy to actually emerge as a full consciousness. Cleovara is generally defined as being a benign deity, interested only in the survival of those who are clean (i.e. pretty much every race in the Galaxy that isn't condemned to Chaos, yes that includes Humans too. But of course, we're too xenophobic to give a gak about this and so we ignore it!), and one that really, really does not like daemons. At all. Now Lynx as a race really didn't care about daemons in the first place, but as they are devoted to their Goddess, they adopted her ways and generated a hatred for daemons amongst the Lynx populace. But that’s getting a bit off what this paragraph is on. Now, of course she immediately revealed herself to the populace and her first action was to bless her race (after all, she is their patron Goddess) with the psyker gene. The third strand in the Lynx’s DNA was changed to that of a psyker gene. This happened anywhere there were Lynx inhabiting a planet that had Silvite. However, only on planets that had Silvite in sufficient quantity was this gene activated. This left nearly 65% of the whole Lynx population with an inactivated psyker gene, ergo, Feral Lynx aren’t psykers.

Physically, Feral and Civil Lynx only look slightly different. Feral Lynx will have more of a bestial nature to them, as well as larger muscles that have not been ironed out by evolution: they still need them. So there is not much to say about them other than that. But, anatomy wise, Lynx are interesting.
Most fascinating part is to do with their nervous system. It’s designed not only to carry electrical impulses, but psychic energy as well. This distribution of psychic energy is dealt with by a small membrane than surrounds a Lynx’s nerve like a spider web mesh. It’s actually part of the CNS. It controls and maintains internal levels of psychic energy to a certain degree, and is also responsible for things like memory tears and the odd psychic shields Civil Lynx tend to exhibit. Memory tears are a very interesting phenomenon. They are imbued with a small amount of psychic essence, along with a replica of some of the Lynx’s DNA. They are most often formed when emotion levels are running very high, such as anguish, ecstasy, rage etc. They contain a memory, often 5 to 10 minutes long, in incredibly vivid detail. Missing sections, fuzzy quality, and blurriness are all signs of the memory being tampered with, often indicating daemonic possession. In this way, the Inquisition have learnt a lot by torturing or persuading Lynx they have captured into creating a memory tear which they can analyse. But this is often dangerous. If you are not a Lynx, the memory may have a chance of burning itself to your memory, making it seem as if you were the Lynx themselves. Hence, Inquisitors often get guardsmen or the like to use the tear instead.

The two societies are very different, but here’s a breakdown.
In Feral Society, Lynx are often formed into groups called Prides. These Prides vary in size, some consisting of only a few members, others containing hundreds or even thousands of Ferals. The Druid of a Pride is determined through a series of tests, usually consisting of Strength and Skill, but more often than not, there is cheating and dishonesty involved, from assassination of the other competitors to use of Silvite shards. This Druid has full control over the Pride, but in prides numbering over a hundred usually there will be two or more Druids. If a Lynx is unhappy with the current Druids, then they either have to beat them through ritual combat, trial of skills or some other devious means of achieving the position. If you are born into the current Druid’s family, then you will be the inheritor of the position, depending if you are the firstborn of the Druid.
Druids sometimes carry shards of Silvite on their person, at all times. For some reason unknown to the Lynx, it allows the wielder limited control over their psyker gene, even if it is inactive. This gifts them the power of a psyker, but none of protection that Cleovara provides. Fortunately, they do not burn as brightly as other Lynx, and so are less noticeable.
Almost all male Lynx in a Pride will fight for territory, females are the ones that hunt and rear young. Males that do not fight are often found as professionals, crafting weaponry, looking after the wounded etc. Females have little to no education in any of these arts, due to male dominance.

In Civil Lynx society, things get a lot more complicated.
A Lynx will be born into a specific caste, depending on whom the parents are. If the parents are from two different castes, then usually the child will follow the father’s caste if it is male, the mother’s if it’s female. These castes are as follows:
- Warrior Caste
- Creation Caste
- Devotion Caste
- Star Caste
- Prodigy Caste
- The Silenced
- The Lost
- Royal Caste
Here’s a moderately detailed breakdown of each caste:
The Warrior Caste is as it sounds. Lynx who wish to fight in the military join this caste to fight in Cleovara’s name. This caste is the largest of the 8 castes, the Lynx having a very strong fighting force that is well equipped and rigorously trained. Unlike the Imperial Guard, Lynx are trained to use their initiative in case of the Bladelord or Warrior Prince leading the force is killed. They will follow orders that they receive to the letter though, unless that order will result in a needless death. They have even been deployed to eliminate rebellions, but rumours tell of some ruthless Lynx, their identities unknown, ordering the elimination of an entire continent for no apparent reason…

The Creation Caste deals with the production of weapons, armour, food and pretty much anything else that can be grown, smelted, or built. They do a lot of dealing with the Warrior Caste, as many of the weapons are hand-crafted and stylised for each individual combatant. On some worlds very rich in Silvite, the Creation Caste is the dominant caste, mass-producing everything the Lynx need. But there are a few machinations that have been built by this caste that many outside it should not know…

The Devotion Caste is a bit of an oddity. They deal with the enforcement of religion, similar to the Ecclesiarchy, but do not use brute force to do so. They are naturally cunning and manipulative, and some in the Devotion Caste become advisors for the members of the Royal Caste. This caste tends to holy shrines, relics and the mass amount of ancient knowledge about their race. Few outside this caste ever learn even a fraction of their race’s history, but the Devotion Caste have a good reason to hide their knowledge. There are some things the general populace ought not to know…

The Star Caste’s members are the pilots, commanders and navigators of the Lynx’s starships. Whether these be simple transport vessels to fully-fledged battle cruisers armed with experimental weaponry, you’ll find almost all of the Star Caste contributing to the Lynx’s society from the cold vacuum of space. Lately, weapons technology has taken precedence over luxury cruises, and the number of transport vessels has fallen dramatically. This has led to some uproar throughout Lynx society, and some commanders have had to be forced to (on more than one occasion) eliminate these rebellions through several orbital bombardments…

The caste that invents the new technology and machinery that many Lynx need is known as the Prodigy Caste. Normally, very intelligent and gifted Lynx will be drafted into this Caste if they are found lacking in the Caste they were born into. Though a very young race, the Lynx have already unlocked many of the secrets of the universe, such as quantum mechanics or advanced technology. The most recent (and worrying) discovery this Caste has made is shrouded in mystery, but reports made to the Imperium through a network of spies has revealed some rumours about it being based on the Schwarzschild Radius, or more precisely Black Holes…

The Silenced are a very mysterious Caste, and according to general Lynx society, they do not exist. They never have and never will. The members of this Caste are the “blanks” that have been through the severing process and have retained a strong enough will to survive the depression that follows. They are very rarely ever seen in military applications, and most certainly have never been allowed out in public, save for one member who is very well renowned…

The Lost are sometimes referred to as psychopaths. Ironically, it is an excellent description and better than the name of the Caste they are part of. The Lost are simply those who have been through too much to stay sane, been corrupted by daemons but only just holding on, or Ferals who are so savage it is futile to reason with them. This is the Caste where the outcasts of society still serve a purpose: to die in the name of Cleovara in glorious combat and redeem their souls. They are a sorry assortment of criminals, possessed and clinically insane, many of which never see their families again…

The Royal Caste speaks for itself. Though advanced for a young race, they still prefer the old ways of a dominant line of blood that looks after the populace. The Royal Caste varies from world to world, different families holding the same position. They hold great power over the populace of the planet they rule, and have the rights to trial, punish and condemn those who disobey their rule. Thus, some planets are very strict; even the slightest infraction can mean certain death, whilst others are far less tight-fisted and allow for much flexibility in their subjects. One family, the family of Uras’sola (lit. bright colours) has complete and direct control over every other ruling family. They have the power to instate an new ruling family if the current one is found lacking, but this is a rare occurrence. Even so, stories persist that many of the families that fall out of favour are condemned to the Caste of The Lost…

That actually is 2,610 words. Wow.

Ok, lets start with one of the issues that I see here. The Silvite..
This material is supposed to be something that contains enormous amounts of energy and has

...a psych-stabilization effect, acting as a psychic inhibitor that taps excess power that is often radiated from a Lynx when they are performing a more complex feat of psychic manipulation.

But IoM/Edlar/Orks/<type your race here> has not found(!) or manipulated for whatever reason (probably because it does not exist in the 40k universe).

This is a very good example of trying to change established canon/fluff.

Please scrap the above. It breaks the established cannon.

Lets move on to the next (confusing) part.

The deity.

Let me be frank. This way is not working. Why? Lets start with the most basic one:

-benign (this unfortunately does not exist in this universe)

Also it protects from daemons? How? When even the Emperor (an enemy deemed worthy of the attention of the big 4) cannot?

If you must keep the deity you need to find a different way.

Also the whole super-powerfull psykers but cannot be corrupted by the Warp but we have not conquered the galaxy cause we are such nice guys. Also does not work.

The DNA part is quite innovative but again its just another failsafe of daemon procession.

The main point I want you to keep from all of the above is the following:

Where is the grimdark in this? That's my main concern here. I like 40k because it is grimdark. If I wanted knights of shining armor with no flaws I would play a different game.

Finally, a clarification if you may. So the castes are like professions? I.e. Someone is born into the Warrior Caste (essentially be a warrior) but can later change that move into the Creation Caste (essentially be a blacksmith) etc.

 Bobakos wrote:
Ok, lets start with one of the issues that I see here. The Silvite..
This material is supposed to be something that contains enormous amounts of energy and has

...a psych-stabilization effect, acting as a psychic inhibitor that taps excess power that is often radiated from a Lynx when they are performing a more complex feat of psychic manipulation.

But IoM/Edlar/Orks/<type your race here> has not found(!) or manipulated for whatever reason (probably because it does not exist in the 40k universe).

This is a very good example of trying to change established canon/fluff.

Please scrap the above. It breaks the established cannon.

Erm... What? I'm sorry, what did you mean by this? I don't quite understand.

Lets move on to the next (confusing) part.

The deity.

Let me be frank. This way is not working. Why? Lets start with the most basic one:

-benign (this unfortunately does not exist in this universe)

I recommend you see this thread

Also it protects from daemons? How? When even the Emperor (an enemy deemed worthy of the attention of the big 4) cannot?

If you must keep the deity you need to find a different way.

Also the whole super-powerful psykers but cannot be corrupted by the Warp but we have not conquered the galaxy cause we are such nice guys. Also does not work.

They can and will become corrupted by daemons, if they do so voluntarily or turn their back on Cleovara. This actually happens more often than you would think.

The DNA part is quite innovative but again its just another failsafe of daemon procession.

Which doesn't happen quite as often as the Lynx would like...

The main point I want you to keep from all of the above is the following:

Where is the grimdark in this? That's my main concern here. I like 40k because it is grimdark. If I wanted knights of shining armor with no flaws I would play a different game.

Re-read the caste section, and see what you can find. I purposefully gave each one an ellipse, after all... Each caste has a dirty secret to hide. If just one Lynx let slip about this secret, civil war would erupt. The Lynx are walking on a knife-edge as it is, being psykers. Having an unstable society does not help either. They have to be very careful about what they say, what they do etc. It's not all as good as it seems...

Finally, a clarification if you may. So the castes are like professions? I.e. Someone is born into the Warrior Caste (essentially be a warrior) but can later change that move into the Creation Caste (essentially be a blacksmith) etc.

Yes, the castes are professions. But Lynx tend to be very biased; they take likings to things very easily. Hence, not many switch caste, barring the Prodigy Caste.

More feedback please.
I worked hard on that compilation.

We're busy here. Have some patience. One hour does not mean your thread is dying.

And don't use red text. That's the mod's thing.

Sorry. I'll change it to blue.

 Mynameisalie wrote:
More feedback please.
I worked hard on that compilation.

Firstly, why should we? Old mate made a lot of good points, but you brushed them all off.

But I'll bite anyway.

Change the goddess completely. She isn't helping them. The magic magic material isn't helping. She is basically feeding off of them. The crystal/metal/whatever the hell you have landed on is implanted into all 'enlightened' lynx who know of the goddess, and through that she can influence their decisions and actions (not micromanage, just broadly 'I hate these guys' or 'hurrah, caste system, lets not question why'). The 'blind' lynx are, in fact, free of her control. But don't actually say that. Keep it as if they 'haven't been converted', make it propaganda-y like so much of the good fluff. Don't go from having this silly perfect race to have another silly perfect REBEL race. That's not what you need.

Making that change, so she is some kind of minor deity (you can work out how she came about, maybe she's just an ancient Lynx or something, who found this rock. Maybe its the rock itself which is sentient, like the Lith, which I referenced....12 pages ago?) or even its the rock which protects them, doesn't make them super psykers, just more susceptible to the gene (so they have a lot). You seem to be set on almost all psykers, if I try to change that the world ends.

Take that and make some changes. Alternatively, ignore the help and ask for 'more feedback'. Your call.

 motyak wrote:

 Mynameisalie wrote:
More feedback please.
I worked hard on that compilation.

Firstly, why should we? Old mate made a lot of good points, but you brushed them all off.

But I'll bite anyway.

Change the goddess completely. She isn't helping them. The magic magic material isn't helping. She is basically feeding off of them. The crystal/metal/whatever the hell you have landed on is implanted into all 'enlightened' lynx who know of the goddess, and through that she can influence their decisions and actions (not micromanage, just broadly 'I hate these guys' or 'hurrah, caste system, lets not question why'). The 'blind' lynx are, in fact, free of her control. But don't actually say that. Keep it as if they 'haven't been converted', make it propaganda-y like so much of the good fluff. Don't go from having this silly perfect race to have another silly perfect REBEL race. That's not what you need.

Making that change, so she is some kind of minor deity (you can work out how she came about, maybe she's just an ancient Lynx or something, who found this rock. Maybe its the rock itself which is sentient, like the Lith, which I referenced....12 pages ago?) or even its the rock which protects them, doesn't make them super psykers, just more susceptible to the gene (so they have a lot). You seem to be set on almost all psykers, if I try to change that the world ends.

Take that and make some changes. Alternatively, ignore the help and ask for 'more feedback'. Your call.

Oh that's good. That's very good. Psychic control using the implants? Do want. Plus, more Grimdark. Everybody likes Grimdark!
Secondly, I did try and shoot off the idea she found the rock, but how did she come about in the first place? That's what I'm really struggling with. I was just wondering if someone could point me in the right direction.