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2011/11/07 03:05:29
Subject: I wrote some fluff for my new Inquisitor. Does it make sense?
Alright so, I'm moderately new to the fluff of 40K, but I'm a veteran player. As I was scratch-building my new Inquisitor I thought I'd write up some fluff for him. I'm looking for criticism and if it even makes sense in the 40K Universe. So without further a due, heres my fluff.
In a universe riddled by war there is a Lord Ordo Mallus Inquisitor, he was well known throughout the galaxy as one of the most nobel deamon hunters. He had a golden suit of artificer armor and a ton trophies. His name was Inquisitor Cerisano. The Inquistior would hunt down daemons like there was no tomorrow. I mean, after all it was his job. So one day he got a call that his assistance was needed on (planet name i don't know yet..). He got into his beautiful thunder hawk gunship, armed with a Master Crafted Force Sword, and a Plasma Pistol. He was also accompanied by Inquisitorial Storm Troopers. He then started his journey towards the corrupted planet. As he disembarked off the gunship he sensed that this planet was different, he felt a disturbance, although he wasn't able to put his finger on it he shrugged it off and continued with the operation. When he found the source of the daemons, Cerisano and his Storm Troopers started to get into combat. Cerisano was surprised with amount of close combat he had to endure. As he was hacking away at the daemons, he turned around and got his arm slashed off by blood thirster. Frenzied, he turned at looked at the blood thirster in its flaming eyes and shot it in the head with his plasma pistol. He immediately called for an evac. As the evac arrived the Inquisitor and his forces barely held out. He got into the ship, and the medics on the ship knew that they had to operate on him or he was going to die. They plopped him down on the operation table, all blooded and battered. They had to attach a bionic arm and give him a rebreather so that he would survive. He also demanded that he would be put into Carapace Armor with Power armor shoulder pads to display his nobleness. As time passed he started to feel a sense of corruption so he started to wear a hood to cover his gruesome face that reminded him of the fight.
Thats really everything I have. If you guys can help me give a good ending and tweak it to be better that'd be awesome. Thanks for reading!!
This message was edited 6 times. Last update was at 2011/11/07 03:39:23
The narrative is reasonable enough, if rather generic, but you need to work on the tone appropriate to the Warhammer 40,000 setting. Told well and engagingly, it might be an interesting, characterful story. As it is, well, no...
This message was edited 1 time. Last update was at 2011/11/07 03:15:55
Red Hunters: 2000 points Grey Knights: 2000 points Black Legion: 600 points and counting
2011/11/07 03:20:59
Subject: I wrote some fluff for my new Inquisitor. Does it make sense?
Also, why would he give up artificer armor for carapace armor?
Also, Why would you combine power armor shoulderpads with carapace armor?
Also, how did he kill a bloodthirster with a plasma pistol? That strikes me as kind of an over the top shot. I mean, maybe that happens in the books all the time, but that'd be a hell of a shot to make in a game, even assuming that the bloodthirster was down to one wound.
Thought I'd have a go at padding it out a bit & rewriting some of it. It's not perfect, but hey;
Of the three Ordos of the Inquisition it is arguably the Ordo Malleus who undertake the greatest struggle. Whilst the two other great Ordos, Hereticus and Xenos, have an important role to play in protecting the Imperium, it is the tireless watchers of the Daemon hunters who protect the Imperium from the horrors of the warp. Whilst heretics may cause instability upon a planet and Xenos decieve and plot against humanity, it is the daemons who destroy mens sanity, seducing them to the heresy that is Chaos, breaking their minds and consuming their souls, ever eager to break forth into the material realm to feast upon their prey.
Amongst the Inquisitors of the Ordo Malleus is one Cerisano, a high-ranking Lord noted for his purity and the zeal with which he fought against the enemies of mankind, bringing the Emperor's fury no matter where they lurked, striking them down with <Insert weapon name here>, a blessed Force sword forged and attuned solely for Cerisano. Wherever he went within the <Insert sector name here> Cerisanos reputation was known, his deeds and actions magnified with each telling.
It was in XXX.M41 that Cerisano had one of his greatest triumph's, when the world of <Insert planet name> came under attack from the Chaos host. Intent on driving back the daemonic intrusion and finding its source Cerisano made for the planet with great urgency, making planetfall as soon as they reached <Insert planet name>. As the Storm Troopers securing the landing zone and more of the Inquisitorial troops were flown down to the planets surface, Cerasino was sure he felt something on this planet, something... different. It itched at his mind, a nagging thought that he could not pin down.
For the seasoned Inquisitor it was not hard to track down the source of the incursion, the tear in the warp a beacon that lead him straight to a valley shaped like a horse shoe. Without wasting time the Inquisitor Lord plunged down the slope followed by the Storm Troopers, the whine of their hellguns sharp as the weapons charged. Ahead he could see the <Insert type of heretic here>, prostrating themself towards an altar made from corpses, surrounded by their robed acolytes. Aiming for the arch-heretic Cerasino ran on, intent on closing the distance. The heretic turned their head towards the Inquisitors rapidly advancing party and grinned. Without breaking stride the Inquisitor Lord raised his plasma pistol and fired. The superheated charge slapped into the corpse altar and, as though the shot had woken something deep inside them, the acolytes exploded. As their blood misted in the air forms began to take shape where they had once stood, writhing and swirling, reds and oranges, flames distorting the air and the shapes shifted towards the Inquisitorial party, weaving through the snapping hellguns, glimmers of colour that fell upon the Stormtroopers with their warpfire blades lashing out in bloodlust.
With unnatural speed one of the bloodletters closed on Cerasino. In the time it took to draw breath <Insert weapon name here> was in his hands. The daemons long tongue slapped at the air, flames pouring from bestial eyesockets, the searing blade came tearing in towards the Inquisitors head where, abruptly, it stopped, blocked and controlled by the Force sword. With a contemptuous flick of his hand, Cerasino battered the daemons sword away and plunged the weapon into the bloodletters chest. Shaping his will through the sword, the Inquisitor Lord felt something give within the daemon and then he was running on, the remnants of the daemon falling to the ground where they flickered with purple lightning. Another bloodletter fell to the ground, its chest obliterated by the plasma pistol and then Cerasino was through, legs pumping as he closed on the arch-heretic.
A human neck is strong, as tough as wood and capable of surviving even the most grevious damage, but this mattered not to the Inquisitor Lord whose blade cut through the air, blue vapour marking its path as it cleaved through the heretics neck, seperating the head from the body in one stroke. As his momentum took him past the heretic, Cerasino slid to a halt, turned and raised his blade over the heretics corpse. With a cry he rammed the blade down with both hands, his head snapping back, eyes blazing. The blade stopped before it reached the body, warpfire surging out of the chest. Before Cerasino could focus his will he was battered back by an explosion of psychic force that threw him to the ground. As he struggled to his feet his eyes picked out the form of a large daemon, twice the height of the bloodletters and armed with a thick bladed sword upon which faces of the slain writhed and screamed, stepped forward, their physical form still gathering itself. Spitting blood from his mouth the Inquisitor Lord knew that he had just this one chance to banish the foul apparition and clutching the Force weapon with both hands, he charged the daemon.
The explosion of the sword striking against the daemons weapon knocked the surviving Inquisitorial Stormtroopers to the ground as the two opponents locked their weapons, the daemons slavering tongue flickering at the Inquisitor who spat back with litanies. With a strength that made the Inquisitor look puny, the daemon heaved, pushing the Inquisitor back. Before he could properly regain his balance the Inquisitor was under attack, his blade rising to block the furious assault of the warp being. Steadying himself Cerasino fought back, his feet dancing on the ground as he fought, ducking and dodging, evading the daemons attacks. Their blades met, seperated and clashed together once again, sparks showering with each impact. The tempo of the duel increased, neither willing to back down. On they fought their blades flickering back and forth at speeds almost greater than the human eye could follow.
When the end came it was sudden, a backhanded strike of such power that Cerasino was thrown back once more, crashing to the ground and rolling, his sword flying from his grip. He lay panting, his body numb and unable to move, paralysed with a sudden exhaustion. The daemon stalked towards him, filling his view, its rank stench smothering his nostrils. His lips slid back in a snarl. The daemon raised its sword and from its twisted mouth came abhorrent words, echoed by the voices of the souls that writhed within the blade.
"Have you anything to say, human, before you enjoin your soul with the Drinker?"
Cerasino's hand shot up, the plasma pistol whirring as the blue light from its chargers cast a glow over the Inquisitors face. "No." The molten plasma smashed into the daemons head. It reared back, the pain intense as Cerasino rose to his knees, discharging shot after shot at the beast. Though he did not know it he screamed holy litanies at the beast, the chants loud in the air. The hairs stood on end in his body, a sudden rage filled him as he leapt towards the daemon and landed his fist on its abdomen. The pent up psychic energy flooded through his arm like a crackling wave, pushed through his fist and into the daemon.
When the Inquisitor Lord opened his eyes he felt as though he were floating. There was a dull ache in his arm and he felt as though he was breathing through his chest. The snap of hellguns rang in his ears, whilst the night sky above his head was clear, pricked by the blinking light of stars. Then the sky was gone, replaced by the bright glare of phosphor lights, there was a face above him and then darkness.
The medicae staff who attended to the Inquisitor Lord were forced to amputate his arm and perform extensive surgery upon his chest, replacing the lungs with bionics. In time a bionic arm was grafted onto his body to replace the lost limb, whilst the Inquisitor Lord forever more wore a rebreather. Despite the damage he'd taken, the loss of so many Storm Troopers and with the planet being cleansed through Exterminatus, Cerasino came out of the encounter with his reputation soaring. He'd faced a daemon of considerable power and banished it back to the warp. Whilst there were some who troubled that the Inquisitor Lord had been touched by a daemon, calling his purity into doubt, Inquisitor Lord Cerasino proved his endless purity and devotion to the Imperium time and again in the future.
This message was edited 1 time. Last update was at 2011/11/08 19:40:49
2011/11/08 19:42:58
Subject: I wrote some fluff for my new Inquisitor. Does it make sense?
You are aware that the Inquisition is a secret organisation, so a member of a secret organisation being well known is like a secret agent with his head on Time magazine and interviewed by Jay Leno.
The rest reads like Mat Ward having seen the last 30 minutes of Star Wars Episode 3.
You get a better impression of the inquisition by reading the Eisenhorn novels or Dark Heresy books.
Thought I'd have a go at padding it out a bit & rewriting some of it. It's not perfect, but hey;
Of the three Ordos of the Inquisition it is arguably the Ordo Malleus who undertake the greatest struggle. Whilst the two other great Ordos, Hereticus and Xenos, have an important role to play in protecting the Imperium, it is the tireless watchers of the Daemon hunters who protect the Imperium from the horrors of the warp. Whilst heretics may cause instability upon a planet and Xenos decieve and plot against humanity, it is the daemons who destroy mens sanity, seducing them to the heresy that is Chaos, breaking their minds and consuming their souls, ever eager to break forth into the material realm to feast upon their prey.
Amongst the Inquisitors of the Ordo Malleus is one Cerisano, a high-ranking Lord noted for his purity and the zeal with which he fought against the enemies of mankind, bringing the Emperor's fury no matter where they lurked, striking them down with <Insert weapon name here>, a blessed Force sword forged and attuned solely for Cerisano. Wherever he went within the <Insert sector name here> Cerisanos reputation was known, his deeds and actions magnified with each telling.
It was in XXX.M41 that Cerisano had one of his greatest triumph's, when the world of <Insert planet name> came under attack from the Chaos host. Intent on driving back the daemonic intrusion and finding its source Cerisano made for the planet with great urgency, making planetfall as soon as they reached <Insert planet name>. As the Storm Troopers securing the landing zone and more of the Inquisitorial troops were flown down to the planets surface, Cerasino was sure he felt something on this planet, something... different. It itched at his mind, a nagging thought that he could not pin down.
For the seasoned Inquisitor it was not hard to track down the source of the incursion, the tear in the warp a beacon that lead him straight to a valley shaped like a horse shoe. Without wasting time the Inquisitor Lord plunged down the slope followed by the Storm Troopers, the whine of their hellguns sharp as the weapons charged. Ahead he could see the <Insert type of heretic here>, prostrating themself towards an altar made from corpses, surrounded by their robed acolytes. Aiming for the arch-heretic Cerasino ran on, intent on closing the distance. The heretic turned their head towards the Inquisitors rapidly advancing party and grinned. Without breaking stride the Inquisitor Lord raised his plasma pistol and fired. The superheated charge slapped into the corpse altar and, as though the shot had woken something deep inside them, the acolytes exploded. As their blood misted in the air forms began to take shape where they had once stood, writhing and swirling, reds and oranges, flames distorting the air and the shapes shifted towards the Inquisitorial party, weaving through the snapping hellguns, glimmers of colour that fell upon the Stormtroopers with their warpfire blades lashing out in bloodlust.
With unnatural speed one of the bloodletters closed on Cerasino. In the time it took to draw breath <Insert weapon name here> was in his hands. The daemons long tongue slapped at the air, flames pouring from bestial eyesockets, the searing blade came tearing in towards the Inquisitors head where, abruptly, it stopped, blocked and controlled by the Force sword. With a contemptuous flick of his hand, Cerasino battered the daemons sword away and plunged the weapon into the bloodletters chest. Shaping his will through the sword, the Inquisitor Lord felt something give within the daemon and then he was running on, the remnants of the daemon falling to the ground where they flickered with purple lightning. Another bloodletter fell to the ground, its chest obliterated by the plasma pistol and then Cerasino was through, legs pumping as he closed on the arch-heretic.
A human neck is strong, as tough as wood and capable of surviving even the most grevious damage, but this mattered not to the Inquisitor Lord whose blade cut through the air, blue vapour marking its path as it cleaved through the heretics neck, seperating the head from the body in one stroke. As his momentum took him past the heretic, Cerasino slid to a halt, turned and raised his blade over the heretics corpse. With a cry he rammed the blade down with both hands, his head snapping back, eyes blazing. The blade stopped before it reached the body, warpfire surging out of the chest. Before Cerasino could focus his will he was battered back by an explosion of psychic force that threw him to the ground. As he struggled to his feet his eyes picked out the form of a large daemon, twice the height of the bloodletters and armed with a thick bladed sword upon which faces of the slain writhed and screamed, stepped forward, their physical form still gathering itself. Spitting blood from his mouth the Inquisitor Lord knew that he had just this one chance to banish the foul apparition and clutching the Force weapon with both hands, he charged the daemon.
The explosion of the sword striking against the daemons weapon knocked the surviving Inquisitorial Stormtroopers to the ground as the two opponents locked their weapons, the daemons slavering tongue flickering at the Inquisitor who spat back with litanies. With a strength that made the Inquisitor look puny, the daemon heaved, pushing the Inquisitor back. Before he could properly regain his balance the Inquisitor was under attack, his blade rising to block the furious assault of the warp being. Steadying himself Cerasino fought back, his feet dancing on the ground as he fought, ducking and dodging, evading the daemons attacks. Their blades met, seperated and clashed together once again, sparks showering with each impact. The tempo of the duel increased, neither willing to back down. On they fought their blades flickering back and forth at speeds almost greater than the human eye could follow.
When the end came it was sudden, a backhanded strike of such power that Cerasino was thrown back once more, crashing to the ground and rolling, his sword flying from his grip. He lay panting, his body numb and unable to move, paralysed with a sudden exhaustion. The daemon stalked towards him, filling his view, its rank stench smothering his nostrils. His lips slid back in a snarl. The daemon raised its sword and from its twisted mouth came abhorrent words, echoed by the voices of the souls that writhed within the blade.
"Have you anything to say, human, before you enjoin your soul with the Drinker?"
Cerasino's hand shot up, the plasma pistol whirring as the blue light from its chargers cast a glow over the Inquisitors face. "No." The molten plasma smashed into the daemons head. It reared back, the pain intense as Cerasino rose to his knees, discharging shot after shot at the beast. Though he did not know it he screamed holy litanies at the beast, the chants loud in the air. The hairs stood on end in his body, a sudden rage filled him as he leapt towards the daemon and landed his fist on its abdomen. The pent up psychic energy flooded through his arm like a crackling wave, pushed through his fist and into the daemon.
When the Inquisitor Lord opened his eyes he felt as though he were floating. There was a dull ache in his arm and he felt as though he was breathing through his chest. The snap of hellguns rang in his ears, whilst the night sky above his head was clear, pricked by the blinking light of stars. Then the sky was gone, replaced by the bright glare of phosphor lights, there was a face above him and then darkness.
The medicae staff who attended to the Inquisitor Lord were forced to amputate his arm and perform extensive surgery upon his chest, replacing the lungs with bionics. In time a bionic arm was grafted onto his body to replace the lost limb, whilst the Inquisitor Lord forever more wore a rebreather. Despite the damage he'd taken, the loss of so many Storm Troopers and with the planet being cleansed through Exterminatus, Cerasino came out of the encounter with his reputation soaring. He'd faced a daemon of considerable power and banished it back to the warp. Whilst there were some who troubled that the Inquisitor Lord had been touched by a daemon, calling his purity into doubt, Inquisitor Lord Cerasino proved his endless purity and devotion to the Imperium time and again in the future.
You forgot the "And they lived happily ever after."
Needs a bit more grimdark to be 40k.
2011/11/09 20:41:08
Subject: Re:I wrote some fluff for my new Inquisitor. Does it make sense?
You are aware that the Inquisition is a secret organisation, so a member of a secret organisation being well known is like a secret agent with his head on Time magazine and interviewed by Jay Leno.
Witchhunter Tyrus?
Khorne Daemons 4000+pts
2011/11/10 01:04:04
Subject: I wrote some fluff for my new Inquisitor. Does it make sense?
daveNYC wrote:You forgot the "And they lived happily ever after."
Needs a bit more grimdark to be 40k.
Thank you for your feedback. I am intending to look at it again shortly and actually edit it - that was a first draft I put up there with absolutely no adjustments after I'd jotted it down. The ending...well by the time I'd gotten to that I was distracted by other things so I was trying to get it finished, but I shall look at how it ends and adjust it to make sure it does feel that the Inquisitor Lord did lose out from the fight - even if having bionic lungs implanted, a bionic arm fitted and having to permanently wear a rebreather seemed enough to me.
Badork Magthugs 2000Pts WAAAGH 
Purge the Unclean 5000Pts 
Red Hunters: 2000 points 
Grey Knights: 2000 points 
Black Legion: 600 points and counting 
