Courageous Space Marine Captain
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So, I have just been set a special type of exam called a controlled assessment for Eng Language, and the assignment is to write a short story on the theme of tension/mystery. I have decided to go with a slasher/ murder-mystery. The reason the exam is special is because I get the question 2 weeks before my actual exam, and get to prepare in class, and just rewrite from memory in the exam itself. The other difference is that my teacher cannot mark any part of it, nor read the entire thing. She can read bits and pieces but feedback is limited to "I like Bob's shirt." However, I can get feedback from other sources, and so here I am, with permission from a mod to post my story. as yet is untitled, but hopefully by the end of it I will have a name for my story, and have gotten some feedback. I only have 6 sides of A4 done, so I will post them below as a section and update as I write each part. So, here'll I start. This is just copied from my handwritten copy. I really need feedback on this as thi test is alone worth 15% of my overall grde for this year and next, so anything you can say, say it, please. Negative or positive!
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Bzz-Bzz
His phone was ringing. At this time of night? He lifted the device, pressing it to his ear. it buzzed again. He realised he hadn't answered yet. He hit the correct button with his thumb, sighing as he did so, and pressed it back to his ear. A slight click as the phone connected.
"Hello?" he questioned.
"Hello, Rob?" It was Peter. "You awake mate?"
"No, no. just doing some bench presses in the middle of the night. Hang on a minute," Rob replied, his voice thick with sarcasm. "997, 998, 999, aaaannndd a thousand! What'cha want Peter!" He demanded, anger creeping into his voice.
"Shut up!"
"Goodnight." Rob hung up, a slight chuckle sounding before the phone rang again. he answered.
"Listen up here mate!" Peter said, before Rob could get a word in.
Rob paused for a moment, as did Peter, who was checking if his friend was actually listening. Rob rubbed his eyes, looking over his small room, the red light of the standby on the TV glaring at him in the darkness. he switched it off with the remote. Finally Peter spoke.
" couple of us are heading out on a camping trip, until Monday night. Two days over the weekend and on the week."
Rob thought about it. He wasn't really into camping. "Who's going?" he asked.
"Uh, well there's me, Taylor, Ben-"
"Ben's that Asian lad right?"
"Yeah the one who moved here from the states last year."
Rob wasn't really enticed. "Hm. Anyone else?"
Peter was silent for a moment. "I think Paul and his sister are going. What do you call her...uh..."
"Emma."
Rob knew who Emma was. She was well fit. Very good looking. Her brother was a douche but Rob respected him enough.
"Aye, that's her. What'cha think?"
Rob lay back, rubbing his eyes. "Alright, I'm in. When do we leave?"
Peter's snigger sounded through the phone, as if something he had just heard was the best joke ever. "7:30 Friday morning!" He completely burst out laughing. "Get packed man, we'll pick you up at Quarter to 8."
Rob hung up the phone. He checked his clock, seeing it was 6 in the morning. Got stretched, and crawled out of bed. He walked over to the wardrobe, picking out 5 shirts, and 2 pairs of jeans. After a moment's thought he packed his shorts to. He gathered his razor and toothbrush, as well as bottle of water to use, in case there wasn’t' a sink. He was just putting a can of deodorant in his bag when a text came through. He spun, cracking his forehead off the open cupboard door. He rubbed his forehead while picking up the phone. it was from Emma. he had to read it twice. the first he had to make sure it wasn't Peter or Taylor mucking about. But it wasn't, it was an unknown number. It read;
Hi, its Emma. heard you're coming with us on this trip. I'm glad! see you in a bit then! : ): )
Rob smiled. He was now glad too. He put his charger into the mobile, knowing he wouldn't get a chance out in the woods or wherever he was gong. He set an alarm for 7. just a few more minutes.
Rob awoke. It was still dark. he reached over, pressing the on key on his phone. He nearly fell out of bed when he saw the time! 7:32. He had 13 minutes to get ready. he sprinted to the bathroom, shaving the handful of whiskers from his chin, slicing into the flesh in the process. he sucked in air as the cut stung, but wiped away the dark red droplet before it could fall.
He washed and dressed quickly. he went to the mirror, a polished rectangle on the wall, checking his appearance. His pale brown hair sat rather limp and messy, but it wasn't frizzy, at least. His brown eyes were speckled with hues of red and blue and green. he liked his eyes, They were different and strange. They went well with his high cheekbones and strong jaw. his nose was unbroken ad straight, ending in a tip, not pointy nor thick. he was tall and slim, but strong a muscular for his age. He didn't have the bulging biceps of his peers, but he knew his leg muscles could lift any one of those lads, and he still held the record for most squats at 70kgs. He fixed his collar, adjusting the hood on the back his shirt. it was brand new, only bought the week the before and not yet worn. It went well with his black jeans and black and white Puma trainers, the pale blue fabric and grey hood complimenting the dark lower half.
Overall, Rob thought he looked quite stylish, but still quite rugged .
He opened the first few buttons of his shirt, spraying antiperspirant over his chest and armpits. The stuff was strong, though it was supposedly unscented. Still, it was better than BO.
As he redone his sort a knock at the door drew his attention, drumming away. Place the can in his bag, he hefted the case onto his shoulder, swiping his phone and headphones from the desk where they sat. He grabbed a spare key, and bounded down the stairs. His parents wouldn’t be up or another while but he would send them a text later. He opened the door, seeing Ben in the front of a bright red BMW convertible, the top rolled back, and for once the sun was shining. Taylor sat along the back seat beside Emma, both wearing bright red bikinis. Paul sat in front of his sister in the back seat, and Peter was just getting in beside him, leaving the passenger seat for Rob. He took a few moments to lock the door before walking around to the boot, squeezing his case and fold up tent into a tiny gap between Peter’s black rucksack and the side of the compartment. It was small, as they usually were in cars like this. Rob lanced up at Emma, who was talking with Taylor. She was tall and beautiful, with big brown eyes and brunette hair that fell in loose curls to her shoulders. She had blonde highlights which shimmered as they caught the light. Emma noticed rob’ stare, and he glanced away before eye contact was made. He shut the boot and headed around to his seat, climbing in beside Ben. Ben was new, only having moved to Belfast a year ago. He was originally from china or something but had moved to the states when he was young. Although he was only 17, he passed his driving test in the US and apparently it still upheld. Ben was wearing his usual grab of black. Black shirt, black jeans, black shoe, black hair. Even his pupils were a deep, brooding black. A lot of people thought he was emo or something but the truth was he looked cool and knew it, and Taylor apparently did too. Taylor was one of Rob’s oldest friends. Long legged, curvy, with blue eyes and long, waist length blonde hair. She was stereotypical a “dumb blonde.” he wasn’t stupid, she just didn’t like working. Ben reclined in his seat, one hand on the shift another on the wheel, as he pulled out into the street and drove off.
Rob too sat back into the cool, leather chair, enjoying the wind wiping hi face as they sped down the motorway. The girls had slid down between Paul and Peter, and had pulled on woollen jackets. Not only was it cold, but Police didn’t take kindly to scantly clad women on the M1. They were all laughing and talking. Ben and Rob silent. Ben was concentrating on driving and Rob not wanting to distract him. Ben pressed a button on the steering heel and the radio blared into life, pop song blasting out halfway through. Rob didn’t like it but the girls cheered their approval. Taylor said it was her favourite song. Ben smiled. He knew. He had chosen that song for that reason, knowing it was always played at that time and that station. Rob smiled inwardly at the subtlety of the act. Ben knew what to do with women.
Rob twisted in his seat so he could see the others. “Where we going then?” he called, the wind carrying his voice towards them. Peter shouted something inaudible back.
“what?” he called.
Emma leant forward in her seat, speaking directly into his ear. He was actually away of how arm her breath was on his face, and how minty fresh. “We don’t know!” she yelled. “Ben won’t tell us!”
She sat back in beside her brother and Taylor. Rob nodded his understanding. Rob turned to Ben.
“here, mate, where we heading here?”
Ben glanced around as he shifted down to 4th, approaching a bend. “A little place near Newcastle!2 he shouted, struggling to send his slightly nasally voice over the wind. “Me and my dad built a log cabin there last year!” He was clear and direct. The complete opposite of Peter, who rambled on and on for ages without a point.
Everyone resumed their chat, laughing a lot and talking loudly.
Another song came on the radio. Rob didn’t catch the title but the group fell into silence, as they listened in discomfort to the deranged lyrics. It spoke of death and murder and betrayal, and not in a romantic or tragic way. It was horrendous, awful obscenities at every other line, describing in excruciating detail the ways in which the artist wanted to murder and kill and torture. The BMW fled into a tunnel, the red lights reflecting off the shiny hull, the blackness and echoing walls only serving to reverberate the screams that punctuated the song to demented volumes. Ben clicked the radio off, much to the mutual relief, just as they exited the tunnel.
The next hour and a half was silent. No one was talkative after that song and it was still early. Taylor was slouched against Emma’s shoulder who was curled up, resting her head on her brother’s shoulder, his arm wrapped protectively around her. They were very close those two. Paul hated anyone who came within metres of Emma, and anyone threatening her would be sure of retribution. Ben was the only driver so he had stayed wake, and Rob volunteered to stay awake with him to ensure Ben didn’t fall himself. They arrived at about 10am, at a little clearing in the woods. A log cabin sat in the tree line, overlooking a tiny beach and small waterfall which cascaded over obsidian black rocks. A deep, wide plunge pool ran into a stream which flowed away into the depths.
The cabin itself was wondrous. Deep dark brown logs made the roof and walls, varnished planks forming steps to wooden double doors at the front. It was surrounded on all sides by enormous trees and the thick canopy block out most of the sun. What little light there was was reflected off the poll, sending up brilliant illuminations on the rocks and trees. The scene was breathtaking, like something from a film.
Rob got out with everyone else, getting out his case. Paul was beside him,. Lifting both his and Emma’s cases, one in each hand. He noticed the tent attached to Robs case.
“What did you bring that for!” he demanded, his dislike of Rob evident.
“Peter said we were camping.”
“He’s as dumb as you are. Look at that cabin up there.”
“We are camping,” shouted Ben, vaulting the car door as the roofslid up, landing lightly on the balls of his feet. He came over. “There aren’t any beds installed yet.”
Paul, suddenly angry, dropped both cases, and bore down on the thin asian boy. Even at 17, paul was massive, clearly the one here with the most upper body strength. His chest and abs were finely sculpted, his arms bulging from his pale blue T-shirt, clearly bought a size too small. Showing off no doubt. Many of the girls round likened him to a Greek god in stature, bt his appearance belayed his speed. He was no brute. He was quick and lethal.
“And when were you going to tells us to bring sleeping bags?!” he yelled. “me and my sis don’t have any see? What, you think we’re sleeping on the ground then?”#
“There are plenty of sleeping bags and tents inside he cabin, “ Ben replied, unfazed and not intimidated by the huge beast’s aggression.
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