Olympics-what should be in the Post-Modern Pentathalon?

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**Kid_Kyoto**

So the modern pentathalon is Riding, Fencing, Swimming, Running and Shooting (with the guns now replaced with laser guns for some odd reason)

http://www.wired.com/playbook/2012/08/modern-pentathlon-laser-pistols/

Which makes no sense until you realize that the 'modern' pentathlon was created in 1896 and was based on the skills a cavalry officer needs.

So, what should we put in the all new 2016 Post Modern Pentathalon?

I propose the following:
Skateboarding
Roller blading
Urban Biking
Mixed Martial Arts
Texting (tested for accuracy and speed)

This would promote well-balanced athletes with skills applicable to the post modern world.

**Da Boss**

Replace texting with speed blogging, and I think we're on to a winner!

**Kid_Kyoto**

How about speed meme'ing?

They get a picture and have to create a meme out of it.

Winner is the one with the most likes on Facebook by the end of the Skateboarding round.

IE

**Testify**

Joking aside would genuinely like to see MMA in the olypics.

**Frazzled**

Kid_Kyoto wrote:So the modern pentathalon is Riding, Fencing, Swimming, Running and Shooting (with the guns now replaced with laser guns for some odd reason)

http://www.wired.com/playbook/2012/08/modern-pentathlon-laser-pistols/

Which makes no sense until you realize that the 'modern' pentathlon was created in 1896 and was based on the skills a cavalry officer needs.

So, what should we put in the all new 2016 Post Modern Pentathalon?

I propose the following:
Skateboarding
Roller blading
Urban Biking
Mixed Martial Arts
Texting (tested for accuracy and speed)

This would promote well-balanced athletes with skills applicable to the post modern world.

Based on surviving the Zombiepocalypse (early stage-escape the city!)
Kickboxing
Texting while doing the backstroke
Calling on a cellphone while driving a NASCAR qualified vehicle
Googling while running
Full contact Chutes and Ladders
Zombie olympics games #1-#3: 1) Speed shooting; 2) shooting for distance; 3) shooting from astride a running sumo wrestler
and finally: Chainsaw combat!

**Squigsquasher**

The 200 Metre Troll. Running 200 metres whilst trolling via a smartphone. The winner is the one with the highest score, judged by their position in the race and the quality of trolling.

200 Metre Fap...no need to explain this one.

Army Speed Painting. Self explanatory. No airbrushes!

Some kind of event that involves cuddling attractive women. I'm lonely.

Olympic Arguing. 2 teams are made, each team with an opposing viewpoint. The winner is the team that has won the argument after 30 minutes. Winning can simply be beating the other side to a pulp.

**Kid_Kyoto**

Frazzled wrote:

Based on surviving the Zombiepocalypse (early stage-escape the city!)
Kickboxing
Texting while doing the backstroke
Calling on a cellphone while driving a NASCAR qualified vehicle
Googling while running
Full contact Chutes and Ladders
Zombie olympics games #1-#3: 1) Speed shooting; 2) shooting for distance; 3) shooting from astride a running sumo wrestler
and finally: Chainsaw combat!

I fully approve of the Zombie Apocalypse Pentathalon, think of the audience participation!

Running from zombies (compeditors must outrun the 10,000 people in the stadium)
Shooting while running from zombies (paintball guns of course)
Hiding (while 10,000 people search the stadium for you)
Climbing (while 10,000 people climb after you)
And last of all Finalists vs. eliminated compeditors in no holds barred Mixed Martial Arts on top of the stadium!

**kronk**

You swim from Zombies. Zombies can't swim.

**Frazzled**

I thinks we have a Winna!

**Ahtman**

MMA
Free Running (graded on speed and style, Gymanastics + Track & Field)
Long Distance Urban Bike Race
Wingsuit Base Jumping
Youtube Viral Video creation (based on viewings)

**Kid_Kyoto**

Ahtman wrote:MMA
Free Running (graded on speed and style, Gymanastics + Track & Field)
Long Distance Urban Bike Race
Wingsuit Base Jumping
Youtube Viral Video creation (based on viewings)

Maybe scrap the viral video for simple 'fund raising'. How big a pile of cash from kickstarter, google ads, t-shirt sales etc can you throw down at the end of the event.

**mattyrm**

The Olympics should cut some sports, I think they should feth football off as well me, I mean, I thought they were supposed to be for non professionals?

Why is Federer in the tennis? If that's the case, why isn't Mayweather in the boxing?

I don't get it..

Speaking of footballers...

**Kid_Kyoto**

The no professionals thing went away when they realized that certain countries (cough-commies-cough) gave their athletes free training, housing and stipends while others made their athletes work for a living.

**Frazzled**

Zombie games as the new sport. baby sign me up!

Frazzled wins the gold! Du DAH DAh Duh da Da duh

**VermGho5t**

Are you people serious about MMA? There is already Judo, which is essentially the same thing, but generally faster rounds and with less homoerotic grappling for long periods.

Just sayin'.

**mattyrm**

MMA is just brawling, a poor mans boxing, how the feth can that be at the Olympics?

They might as well stick "bar room fighter" in as well.

Competitors have to down 12 pints before the match, I bet I could get at least a bronze.

**Frazzled**

VermGho5t wrote:Are you people serious about MMA? There is already Judo, which is essentially the same thing, but generally faster rounds and with less homoerotic grappling for long periods.

Just sayin'.

I don't want MMA. I want zombie Thai boxing. Contestees must fight their way through a small zombie blocking force without getting taken down.

**Ahtman**

VermGho5t wrote:Are you people serious about MMA?

Judo isn't 'post-modern', and the two (Judo and MMA) have the same levels of homo-eroticism, especially women's Judo, assuming that is what you are looking for in a martial sporting event, I guess.

**Kid_Kyoto**

The women's post-modern pentathalon will replace MMA with jello wrestling.

**Ahtman**

Kid_Kyoto wrote:The women's post-modern pentathalon will replace MMA with jello wrestling.

I've spoken with the committee and we have their full support.

**Frazzled**

Will this be one of the tryout sports at the Vegas Olympics?

**LordofHats**

I think the events should be:

A good round of ping pong.
A spelling contest
A sprint of Internet Trolling to see who can piss the judges off the most.
A match of rockum sockum robots
And finally, a solid game of Russian Roulette.

**Mannahnin**

I love modern pentathlon. It makes sense as an evolution of ancient pentathlon, which encapsulated the ancient skills for a soldier (hoplite). The fact that it lets an all-rounder compete in an event which includes pistol and sword, of course, is cake.

Hey Mattycomplainey, what if they brought back the hoplitodromos? That is, the Hoplite Race? Traditionally this was the last race at the Olympics, and runners had to race in full or partial armour, carrying a shield and additionally equipped either with greaves or a helmet. All told around 50-60lbs of kit. We could have it in either traditional armor or just have them run in modern soldiers' full kit; that's of similar weight, no?

VermGho5t wrote:Are you people serious about MMA?

Just sayin'.

The ancient Olympics had Pankration, which was a mix of boxing and wrestling. The name literally means "all powers"; that you fight using every capability of your body. Striking, locks, throws and chokes were all used. The only real restrictions in the original were no biting and no eye-gouging. Bearing in mind our much stricter safety standards, this actually sounds like a pretty darn close match for MMA. FILA, which sanctions Olympic wrestling, recognizes modern Pankration as basically the same thing as MMA, but without strikes to the head.

Just sayin'.

**Testify**

VermGho5t wrote:Are you people serious about MMA? There is already Judo, which is essentially the same thing, but generally faster rounds and with less homoerotic grappling for long periods.

Just sayin'.

Judo is nothing like MMA. How many times when you're watching judo did one of the guys knee the other guy in the face, then jump on top of him and beat his lights out?

Automatically Appended Next Post:

Mannahnin wrote:
The ancient Olympics had Pankration, which was a mix of boxing and wrestling. The name literally means "all powers"; that you fight using every capability of your body. Striking, locks, throws and chokes were all used. The only real restrictions in the original were no biting and no eye-gouging. Bearing in mind our much stricter safety standards, this actually sounds like a pretty darn close match for MMA. FILA, which sanctions Olympic wrestling, recognizes modern Pankration as basically the same thing as MMA, but without strikes to the head.

Just sayin'.

Yup. Better by half than many of the modern "sports".
I fail to see how walking is worth an olympic gold.

**Manchu**

Race To Buy New iPad
Celebrity Identification
Speed-Reading Young Adult Novel Series
Something About Minecraft
Bashing Religion in OT Section of Toy Soldier Forum

**Orlanth**

Kid_Kyoto wrote:So the modern pentathalon is Riding, Fencing, Swimming, Running and Shooting (with the guns now replaced with laser guns for some odd reason)

http://www.wired.com/playbook/2012/08/modern-pentathlon-laser-pistols/

Which makes no sense until you realize that the 'modern' pentathlon was created in 1896 and was based on the skills a cavalry officer needs.

So, what should we put in the all new 2016 Post Modern Pentathalon?

I propose the following:
Skateboarding
Roller blading
Urban Biking
Mixed Martial Arts
Texting (tested for accuracy and speed)

This would promote well-balanced athletes with skills applicable to the post modern world.

It would have to include parkour and widesuit gliding both for length and style.

**DIDM**

I want to know how many extra condoms needed to be shipped in this year, and how man kids were conceived

why are most Olympians attractive? like even in the face, of course their bodies look nice, if you like skinny muscle bound individuals.

so skateboarding is an X game, and there isn't enough world wide talent

first thing they need to do is cut a bunch of wasted time and space and cut a BUNCH of current events. making a horse dance is not olympic entertainment.

MMA needs to be an Olympic event

**Bromsy**

Replace the Olympics with International (American) Gladiators.

**notprop**

And the gold medal for hitting some random numpty who fancied himself as a gladiator with a giant cotton bud (cue tip) goes to Wolf/Nitro/Reinier Wolfcastle/PermatanRoidrager!

DUh duh duh der der dar dar dar dar......Can you feel the power-of-the-GladiATORS...

It might just work; but then we'd have to have the Olympics every Saturday night.

**rubiksnoob**

They should just give all the gold medals to whomever can write the most angsty facebook status.