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Hi guys,

Please find attached a PDF file containing the history of my created chapter.
Please read and let me know what you think
I know most of it won't tie in with the actual timeline but I had fun creating it

Thanks

Tom

I don't think I can say anything except, 'wow'. That was really something.

Perfect Organism wrote:
I don't think I can say anything except, 'wow'. That was really something.

I agree witht he above statement and add that this was not subtle, it has very in your face attitude.

Thanks guys, appreciate the comments

Yeah it is quite full on, and the start really conflicts with the canon of the Primarchs.

I don't think the name pops out quite right. Eagle is good, but Plasma doesn't fit in a chapter name (my opinion). Since the "Primarch" was affected by the loss of the lions, I think the lions should be part of the chapter's name. For example, one chapter is called the Howling Griffons. Also, I don't think that making Space Marine armour for his army is right. Space Marines are genetically enhanced, the Boeing as you call them would be crushed by the armour.

You've also said he is Primarch II, but the Blood Angels were found later (this isn't my point), so he can't be primarch II if the at least the BA were founded before them.

There are lots of conflicting areas in the fluff, it may need a rethink.

Plasma clouds, rains and lakes? Wow.

The good the bad and the ugly.

The good: I like the core of ideas you've created. You have an interesting background and some cool concepts and a great way to tie in the world you've created.

The bad: Though you decided to use a missing primarch, you forgot one detail. The Tyranids didn't invade the Milky Way until long after the primarchs had moved on into history.

The ugly: Certain words and ideas seem a little "clunky". Plasma Eagles kind of stumbles off the tongue rather than flows.

A few changes (if I may be so bold):

Keep your primarch idea. His name is a mouthful but that just comes with the primarch territory. Use the story of being raised by eagles as a myth rather than fact.

The idea of a demi-god having his breakfest puked from a giant eagles mouth is a bit silly. You also didn't really descibe the primarch. What is his unique mutation?

Feathers instead of hair? Talons instead of fingers? Perhaps he is a master of reading body language and thus can communicate with any animal.

I see this primarch with a falcon on his wrist and the wind in his hair.

You also said that he was making lighting claws before discovery by the imperium? That's fine (Lion El'Johnson had power armour on his homeworld) but you might be able to switch it up a bit from there.

If his planet of Boeing (all I can think of is big planes) had STC info maybe they had other artifacts too. Jump Packs and Lightning claws would fit your hawk theme just fine. That would also allow the primarch

to have access to flight and claws before his discovery of the imperium.

About the Lions, did you include this part of the story just to have a "griffon theme"? I'd drop it. You already have the core creature type your chapter/legion emulates.

The planet itself could use a bit of alteration. With plamsa lakes/rain/clouds, it seems like the planet is more of a cooling star or massive dust cload forming a planetoid.

Also, are the eagles of the world somehow evolved to handle such a toxic atmosphere? Perhaps they have electro-magnetic feathers that sheild their bodies.

Maybe these feathers could be used as power blades and such. Plasma could also be the core weapon of your chapter/legion.

In closing I'd say you have the start of a really cool idea but you just need to iron out some of the details. Form a personality for the primarch and his legion.

Determine what form of culture the world had before and after the coming of the primarch.

Change the name from Plasma Eagles to something a little more original (Flame Falcons, Blood Ravens, Doom Eagles, Raven Guard and Howling Griffons are all bird related).

Maybe something like the Storm Falcons, Condors you get the idea.

Again, these are just some quick thoughts. I'm not trying to tell you how to do your thing.

PS If you want, I'm currently drawing a bunch of space marine pictures for people here on dakka and am posting them in the 40k General Discussion forum.

Once you decide what the primarch looks and acts like, let me know and I can render him in my loving remembrancers hand.

Cheers guys.

Only just got back into 40k so I'm a bit rusty.
Not really played since 3rd Edition.
Will take all on board and make some alterations.
Its not really gonna work if it doesn't go with the original story, will it really!
Its why I decided to post it on here to get hints on where I can make changes.
Please keep them coming!!

Tom


Automatically Appended Next Post:

 DeffDred wrote:
The good the bad and the ugly.

The good: I like the core of ideas you've created. You have an interesting background and some cool concepts and a great way to tie in the world you've created.

The bad: Though you decided to use a missing primarch, you forgot one detail. The Tyranids didn't invade the Milky Way until long after the primarchs had moved on into history.

The ugly: Certain words and ideas seem a little "clunky". Plasma Eagles kind of stumbles off the tongue rather than flows.

A few changes (if I may be so bold):

Keep your primarch idea. His name is a mouthful but that just comes with the primarch territory. Use the story of being raised by eagles as a myth rather than fact.

The idea of a demi-god having his breakfest puked from a giant eagles mouth is a bit silly. You also didn't really descibe the primarch. What is his unique mutation?

Feathers instead of hair? Talons instead of fingers? Perhaps he is a master of reading body language and thus can communicate with any animal.

I see this primarch with a falcon on his wrist and the wind in his hair.

You also said that he was making lighting claws before discovery by the imperium? That's fine (Lion El'Johnson had power armour on his homeworld) but you might be able to switch it up a bit from there.

If his planet of Boeing (all I can think of is big planes) had STC info maybe they had other artifacts too. Jump Packs and Lightning claws would fit your hawk theme just fine. That would also allow the primarch

to have access to flight and claws before his discovery of the imperium.

About the Lions, did you include this part of the story just to have a "griffon theme"? I'd drop it. You already have the core creature type your chapter/legion emulates.

The planet itself could use a bit of alteration. With plamsa lakes/rain/clouds, it seems like the planet is more of a cooling star or massive dust cload forming a planetoid.

Also, are the eagles of the world somehow evolved to handle such a toxic atmosphere? Perhaps they have electro-magnetic feathers that sheild their bodies.

Maybe these feathers could be used as power blades and such. Plasma could also be the core weapon of your chapter/legion.

In closing I'd say you have the start of a really cool idea but you just need to iron out some of the details. Form a personality for the primarch and his legion.

Determine what form of culture the world had before and after the coming of the primarch.

Change the name from Plasma Eagles to something a little more original (Flame Falcons, Blood Ravens, Doom Eagles, Raven Guard and Howling Griffons are all bird related).

Maybe something like the Storm Falcons, Condors you get the idea.

Again, these are just some quick thoughts. I'm not trying to tell you how to do your thing.

PS If you want, I'm currently drawing a bunch of space marine pictures for people here on dakka and am posting them in the 40k General Discussion forum.

Once you decide what the primarch looks and acts like, let me know and I can render him in my loving remembrancers hand.

Hi DeffDred,

Thanks for all your help.
I had originally called them the Emerald Eagles, coz of the green armour, but as you stated I was gonna use Plasma as the core weapon and decided to change the name then thought of the idea for the clouds they would have plenty of access to Plasma.
I like the idea of mutation on the talons, which in turn could lead to the reason the Chapter Master has Lightning Claws and Jump Pack. Also the electro magnectic wings for power blades maybe for the Honour Guards.
Yea I did only add the lions for that theme, as I liked the idea of the ravenwing.
I got Boeing for Wiki after I search Plasma Weapon and that stood out to be used as a planet name.
I got his name from a random name generator haha

You Really seem to know what your talking about, so any more help would be greatly appreciated.
Will go away and work on his appearence and a planet change and details.

Is it Ok to add you to my friends list, so I can PM you the appearence for your drawing?

Tom