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This is my first time writing any fluff for 40k, so be nice.


1

The Hammer of Abraxas exited from the warp suddenly, followed by multiple support ships. The massive Battle Barge was painted the dark green of the Salamanders. It contained the IV Company of the Salamanders, or at least the small percentage that remained after the Isstvan V massacre.
The Battle Barge still showed damage from its escape from the system, one of it plasma reactors was at only half strength, and it was slowly being repaired by Salamanders, the void of space making it impossible for mortals to perform the task. The massive form of Venerable Brother Dhu’san helped his brother move material in his massive Contemptor dreadnought armour.
As the ship exited the warp, it found itself confronted by a Night Lords fleet surrounding Kalsaru, a massive ice planet. While the Salamanders were outnumbered, the Night Lords could not bring nearly as much weaponry to bear as the Hammer of Abraxas.
Upon the bridge of the massive ship Captain Cai’ron Arkamun sat in his a command chair, controlling the fleet around him. It moved into an assault formation, two destroyers moving into position beside the Battle Barge.
“Destroy the traitors!” he shouted, the battle plan having been prepared days earlier.
The Night Lords fleet began to move into a defensive position, but it was too late. The Hammer of Abraxas brought its full wrath to bear, blowing a destroyer into wreckage, and turning to engage a strike cruiser that appeared to be the commanding vessel. The cruiser began to turn as well, but the Hammer of Abraxas launched torpedoes, smashing into the cruisers engines and bridge, causing it to crash into a friendly destroyer and sending explosions down its spine.
With the command structure annihilated, the remaining ships turned from the Salamanders and began to retreat.
“Do we pursue sir?” asked the human Captain upon the bridge of Hammer of Abraxas.
“No. The Night Lords remain on the surface of Kalsaru, or else the fleet would never have been routed like that,” replied Cai’ron. The space battle had lasted for little over 30 minutes. “Ignatius, Aka’kios, ready the fourth, we will make landfall once we gain orbit. Captain, make way to the planet with all haste.”
They all nodded in understanding and dispersed to do their duty. Cai’ron followed his Librarian and Champion soon after they had left the bridge, heading to the torpedo bays, where the drop pods were already being loaded.
He stopped at the armoury, donning his partially repaired armour, still stained with the dust of Isstvan V. His helmet was still dented on the top, and his thigh plate had two bullet holes in it. He carried his thunder hammer in his right hand, and his melta pistol in his left.
He saw other soldiers from his company, their armour and weapons still in slight disrepair. They had been busy working on fixing the ship while in the warp, and had had little time to fix their personal wargear.
After his armour had been fixed into place, he ran to the torpedo pods, where his command squad and most of his company were waiting for him. He stepped into his squads drop pod, and strapped himself in.
Aka’kios Dar’eios sat to his right, his long force sword gripped in both hands. His right arm was painted blue, indicating his status as a librarian, and he wore no helmet. On Cai’ron’s left sat Ignatius H’nar, Pyre-Champion of the IV Company. He held a long halberd, and his helmet was decorated with an ornate dragon. The left side of the helmet had been punctured by a bolt-shell upon Isstvan V. A bionic eye replaced his old one now, and filled the missing part of the helmet.
An automated voice told them that they were about to launch, and a moment later the drop pod was fired from the ship. Cai’ron felt his body pushed into his seat by the g-force, and after two minutes they crashed into the ground of the world below. The doors flew open and their harnesses opened.
Cai’ron ran from the drop pod, swinging his pistol in an arc, searching the area for hostiles. His squad exited the pod on the other sides, Aka’kios and Ignatius were joined by the Banner Bearer Izdu’bar, the apothecary Saracus and Brother Kaiaphos, who bore a flamer.
After securing their landing area, Cai’ron voxed the rest of his company, and his sergeants each voxed him back, confirming that their landing zone was safe.
The company formed up into a spear formation, consisting of only 200 marines of what was once over 1000. Cai’ron’s vox crackled, and the voice of Captain Kainam began talking from the bridge of the Hammer of Abraxas. “Captain Arkamun, we have a visual on a large number of Night Lords inbound to the west of your position,” the mortal paused, “We have reports that First Captain Sevatar may be leading the warband,” he finished.
Cai’ron felt his breath catch in his throat, and said, “The traitor no longer deserves to be named First Captain, Kainam, but I thank you for informing me of the situation. Have your scans found any civilians in the sector?”
“No captain, it appears that the traitors have slain them all.”
Cai’ron felt a deep sadness hit him, and replied, opening the vox channel to the entire company, “Then we shall slay them all.”

2

The Salamanders move into formation, the flamer units moving to the front, supported by tactical squads and heavy support squads. Cai’ron and his command squad stood in the front of the army with First Sergeant Beh’ran and Venerable Brother Dhu’san. The Night Lords began to appear upon the Salamanders scanners, and soon after they were spotted.
Their midnight blue armour shone in the sun, the lightning bolt decorating the armour appearing to flow with electricity. Their war cries reached the Salamanders from far away, shouting ‘Konrad Curze’ and ‘Nostramo’.
They were led by a Contemptor dreadnought and a squad of Cataphractii terminators. “Sergeant Eri’dax, target the dreadnought,” ordered Cai’ron, and a moment later heard an affirmative. Six bolts of energy shot from the depleted Eri’dax squads Multi-Meltas. The blasts of energy smashed into the dreadnought, blasting through its torso and arms, almost obliterating it. Cai’ron felt a slight regret in killing such a vaunted warrior, but quickly washed away the feeling with memories of the slaughter his legion had experienced a few months before.
An icon flashed on Cai’ron’s visor, informing him that the Night Lords were within range of his soldier’s bolters. He ordered them to fire, and a blistering barrage crashed into the traitors, devastating their front ranks.
As the Night Lords neared the Salamanders their bolter fire began to cross over and some of the Salamanders began to fall as well. Once the Night Lords charge finally met the Salamanders ordered defense line, they numbered only 150 warriors, roughly even to the Salamanders.
Ranks of flamers opened up on the traitors, and Marines armed with siege shields stepped forward, creating a barrier between the Salamanders and the raving Night Lords. Cai’ron swung his pistol back and forth, picking off sergeants and traitors bearing heavy weapons. He saw helmets in the colours of the Salamanders and Raven Guard, grisly trophies taken from Isstvan V and hung from their armour with chains.
The Night lords crashed into the shield line, yelling curses at the Salamanders. In the center of the charge were the Cataphractii terminators, and behind them stood the man the Cai’ron searched for. First Captain Sevatar.

3

Cai’rons mind reeled as he saw dozens of his brothers cut down by the Night Lords guns. He realised that it had not only been the first four legions that had betrayed the Emperor, but many more. Across his vox he heard the screams of his Brothers as they were slaughtered by Word Bearers, Night Lords, Iron Warriors and Alpha Legion.
The full extent of the betrayal dawned on him, and he realised that his legion would be decimated. He was finally wrenched from his thoughts as two bolter shells crashed into his upper thigh, penetrating his armour. He fell to his knees, pain, anguish and anger filling his mind and body.
He saw the Night Lords rushing forwards, screaming oaths to the Warmaster and the Night Haunter. Beside Cai’ron stood Ignatius, who was swinging his halberd with blinding speed, slaying traitors with every stroke.
In the distance Cai’ron saw his twin brother, Nah’uatl, the captain of the XXI Company, fighting with a tall Night Lords soldier bearing a chain-halberd. Cai’ron knew the marine from tales and the rumours that surrounded him, and it was no surprise when Sevatar cut down Nah’uatl with only two strokes. Two halves of the Salamander fell to the ground, soon surrounded by a pool of blood.
Cai’ron cried out, standing and smashing in a Night Lords helm with his Thunder Hammer. He stood back to back with Ignatius, slaying traitor after traitor not far from them he saw Aka’kios struggling against the Night Lord tide, and had an idea. He opened up the vox and said, “Aka’kios! Use your powers!”
Aka’kios muttered his acceptance, and a moment later fire bloomed around him, burning the armour right off of the Night Lords. Cai’ron blocked a chainsword about to take off his head, and promptly caved in its wielders chest.
Behind Cai’ron, Ignatius cried out in pain, and Cai’ron spun on his heel and saw a Night Lord aiming his bolter at them. Cai’ron placed his hand on his melta pistol but Aka’kios killed the Night Lord with a gesture of his hand, the Night Lord erupted in flames.
Cai’ron looked down and saw Ignatius’s helmet caved in and his eye a bloody mess. “I’m fine brother,” said Ignatius, and propped himself up onto his feet. “Behind you!” he yelled and Cai’ron spun, beheading a Night Lord with his Thunder Hammer.
The battle was quickly turning in the Night Lords favour, and Cai’ron knew that his company couldn’t stay engaged for much longer without being destroyed. He knew that the rest of his legion was being slaughtered in the same way.
The vox had erupted with news of the slaying of Ferrus Manus, and Cai’ron felt for the Iron Hands. His thoughts were suddenly interrupted as Sevatar cut through two members of Cai’ron’s company, and suddenly Cai’ron was face to face with the First Captain.
“You killed my brother!” yelled Cai’ron, launching himself upon the traitor.
Sevatar laughed and said, “I have killed many of your brothers.” Blocking Cai’ron’s attacks and bringing his elbow around to meet Cai’ron’s helmet. He felt it crack, and was thrown from his feet.
Cai’ron rolled over and saw Ignatius launch himself at Sevatar. Sevatar laughed at first, and said, “What makes you think that you can defeat me Salamander, no one else has ever achieved that?” Ignatius responded by knocking aside Sevatar’s chain-halberd and smashing his gauntlet into the un-helmeted face of the traitor.
Sevatar’s nose broke, and his front teeth were removed from his mouth. “Didn’t your father ever tell you to wear a helmet?” asked Ignatius, “Or does he care less about his sons then his oaths to his father?”
Sevatar snarled and jumped to his feet, blood flowing down his face and his smile gone. He launched himself at Ignatius, their halberds flashing with intense speed.
Cai’ron had always known the talent that Ignatius possessed, but faced against one of the Great Crusades most famed heroes brought that skill to a whole new level. He managed to cut a long slash through Sevatar’s calf, and another removed the Night Lord’s right pauldrons.
Sevatar cried out, and launched himself at Ignatius, his weapon forgotten in a moment of intense anger. Ignatius fell beneath his weight and rolled over, sending Sevatar tumbling down the hill where Cai’ron waited at the bottom.
Cai’ron swung his hammer, and just missed Sevatar’s head. Sevatar jumped to his feet and swung his chain-halberd at Cai’ron, who blocked it with his Thunder Hammer and then was sent on the defensive.
Ignatius came running down the hill and let out a savage cry. He crashed into Sevatar, sending his sprawling and then brought his halberd to bear, battering the legendary fighter with a multitude of blows. Cai’ron added his own weapon to the fight, and Sevatar was instantly on the defensive, blocking blow after blow, knowing that each one had the potential to end his life. He managed to strike Cai’ron, cutting as deep gash into his chestplate, and knocking him onto his back.
Ignatius stepped into the center of the duel, and swiftly disarmed Sevatar, who dropped to his knees. He looked up at Ignatius, who placed his halberd at Sevatar’s throat. “Before you kill me, may I know your name, Salamander?” he asked.
“Ignatius H’nar,” replied Ignatius. Cai’ron got back to his feet, and felt his two broken ribs beginning to repair themselves.
“Ignatius H’nar,” said Sevatar, “I shall remember your name.” and he began to smile. Ignatius raised halberd to decapitate the Night Lord, but before he could he was hit by a barrage of bolt shells, ringing off of his chest and arms. He spun and saw the Atramentar, the terminator elite of the Night Lords, and in their center stood Konrad Curze, the Night Haunter, Primarch of the Night Lords.
The barrage of bolt shells continued, knocking Ignatius off his feet, and pounding Cai’ron. With the arrival of the primarch, the Night lords were further bolstered, and the Salamanders reeled in the enhanced onslaught.
Cai’ron saw dozens of veterans cut down in a blaze of death, and he made a decision. “Fourth Company, retreat to the primarch,” he said over the vox. He turned from the battle, and retreated to his primarch’s location with the remainder of his company.

4

Cai’ron walked towards Sevatar and his terminator bodyguard, the elite Atramentar. He was followed by Ignatius and the rest of his command squad. When Ignatius caught sight of Sevatar he said, “We will have revenge.”
Cai’ron nodded, and watched the Atramentar break the shield wall and force their way through. Cai’ron broke into a run, followed by Ignatius and Aka’kios. The librarian sent a ball of fire at the terminators, slaying one of them.
Cai’ron crashed into the Night Lords, swinging his Thunder Hammer in a deadly arc. It was caught upon one of the terminators chainaxes. The terminator stood a full head taller then Cai’ron, but he felt anger filling his body, like molten lava flowing through cracks in the earth.
“For Vulkan. For the Fallen. For the Emperor!” he cried, and he smashed his Thunder Hammer through the arm of the terminator he was fighting. The Thunder Hammer went through the traitors arm, into his chest, and out the other side.
Cai’ron took a moment to survey the battle. Ignatius had killed one of the terminators with his first blow, and had removed the leg of a second, before being attacked by two at once. Aka'kios was currently in a hard fought duel against one of the terminators, but as Cai’ron watched, the librarian cut off the Atramentar’s hand, and stabbed his longsword into the terminators chest.
The terminator’s armour melted from his body, and the skin beneath had a blackened shell around it, emanating from Aka'kios’s sword. When he unsheathed the sword from the Night Lord’s chest, the body fell to the ground, and burst into a cloud of ashes.
Sevatar stood to the back of the fight, watching his bodyguard die by the hands of the Salamanders. Once Ignatius had killed the last of his opponents, Sevatar finally stepped forwards.
The battle swelling around them was being lost by the Night Lords. They had flooded in through the hole that the Atramentar had created, but the Salamanders attacked with fury and a desire at revenging themselves for the atrocities they had faced at Isstvan.
Sevatar cried out, “Ignatius H’nar!”
Ignatius stood tall, his helmet falling from the hand that had removed it, and his glare terrifying to behold. Cai’ron moved to stand beside him, but he raised his hand, stopping his captain. “This is an opponent I must face alone.”
Ignatius stepped up to face the Prince of Crows, and his halberd struck out, faster then Cai’ron could comprehend, but Sevatar blocked it with ease. “I have been eagerly awaiting this. The Dark Angels have been strong opponents, but none have had the ability that you did. I shall be happy to end your life,” he said, as the two warriors’s circled each other.
In the background Cai’ron heard one last retort of a bolter, and then silence as the Night Lords were slaughtered to a man, and the remaining Salamanders turned to watch the duel that was about to begin.
“I shall not give you that honour,” Ignatius replied, no hint of emotion staining his face.
“We shall see,” said Sevatar, and then he launched himself at Ignatius. He swung his chain-halberd at the Salamanders head, and then brought it low at his knees, before feinting and bringing it down towards Ignatius’s left pauldrons. Each of his attacks were stopped easily by Ignatius, who spun on his heel and stabbed his halberd at Sevatar’s chest and then brought it around in a wide sweep that would have cut him in two had it not been blocked.
They traded blow after blow, neither landing a single attack, or even scratching the others armour. Finally they stepped apart, Sevatar’s pale flesh shining in the light, and Ignatius’s black skin illuminated by his glowing red eye.
“My father holds yours in his prison. Even now he could be slaying Vulkan,” taunted Sevatar.
“Your father is weak. He is a vile, malevolent creature that even his father was ashamed to name his son. I would rather end my own life then call that beast my father,” replied Ignatius, his face shaped in a scowl of disgust, “He will never be able to slay Vulkan.”
Sevatar growled, and launched himself at Ignatius once again. The Salamander blocked his strike and pinned the chain-halberd to the ground with his boot, before cutting down with his halberd and removing Sevatar’s hand. “Your anger makes you weak.”
Sevatar clutched his arm, blood staining his midnight blue armour. He fell to his knees. “I once believed you to be brave. To be a hero, a champion of the human race. But now I know the truth. You are a coward, just like your father,” said Ignatius, and he kicked the Night Lord in the chest, sending his sprawling.
Ignatius stepped forwards to finish him off, but then Captain Kainam contacted the Salamanders. “Brothers. A large Night Lords fleet has just entered the system. We must escape quickly or else we will be destroyed. I have already deployed drop ships. They are inbound on you position. Please hurry, we only have a few minutes.”
Cai’ron thanked the human and looked towards the spot where Sevatar had fallen, but he had already escaped. Ignatius cried out in anger and smashed his fist into the ground. “Do not worry brother, you will have another chance at him,” said Cai’ron as the first thunderhawk landed.
Of the 200 Salamanders who had deployed upon the planet, only 80 remained, but of the Night Lords, Sevatar had been the only one to escape.

Alright, I have some tips. To be clear, I'm not bashing your work. I like what you've written, I just think there are some changes you can make.

Regarding Part 1

I'd say the biggest problem that this story has is that it tells instead of shows. Don't just tell me that, "It contained the IV Company of the Salamanders, or at least the small percentage that remained after the Isstvan V massacre. "The barge's size was deceptive. Once it had been the weapon of the IV Company, a wickedly sharp dagger of a vessel that had carried them across the stars. Then, at Isstvan V, the traitors had struck. A firestorm of artillery had engulfed the Salamanders, blackening ceramite and cooking the meat within. Plunged into artificial night by the roiling black smoke, the canyon had become a slaughterhouse. More than half of the IV Company had never made it back to the Hammer of Abraxas. Hundreds of corpses still lingered on Isstvan V, their bodies half-buried in the orange-red sands."

The space battle is barely described at all. Try to imagine the scene in your head, like a movie, and then write that out. Describe the way the Night Lords fleet shone in the depths of space, their blue-black halls reflecting the light of pale stars. Or maybe the fervor in the Captain's voice as he ordered his men to open fire.

This line, "Cai’ron felt a deep sadness hit him", is something you should try to avoid. Never tell us how a character feels. Show it.

"Cai'ron pursed his lips and let out a long, slow exhale. The civilians on Kalsaru weren't just a statistic - they were people. They all had their own hopes, their own fears, their own dreams and ambitions. They had families and friends, and each and every one of them had their own unique perspective of the universe. Now all that all that was lost, taken from them in a cacophony of bolterfire.

When Gods waged war, somehow it was always men that died."

Regarding Part 2

Again, it feels like you aren't describing enough. Also, you're only describing what the Salamanders are doing. I want to know how the Night Lords are reacting.

Regarding Part 3

Its unclear at first that it takes place on Isstvan V. Maybe you could make it clearer, even with just a throwaway line like, "The Night Lord's charge was a cruel echo of Isstvan V, and all the pain that came with it." Also, the dialogue during the fight between Cai'ron and Sevatar is awkward. In a fight, your blood is rich with dizzying adrenaline, the battle all around you is too vast to comprehend, and you can barely here anything besides the blood rushing in your ears. You're terrified for your own life and the lives of your comrades. You don't have the opportunity to have banter with an enemy.

Regarding Part 4

Describe things more. Show don't tell. Beyond that, I don't have much to say.

Thank you lone lictor that really helped.