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So I made some fluff for my chaos lord and I just wanted to know if it was win or fail.

Overlord Solomon The Ancient.

Personality:

Despite being a khornate lord, he is still a few steps from a mindless bezerker. He speaks angrily, even with hostility, to his own men and even contemporaries, he is not an unintelligent man, beneath his raving shouts in combat, tactility sound orders are being issued.

Appearance:

Bare metal Terminator armor, black trim, mix of lord and sorcerer markings, heavily damaged, helmet never removed, (by choice not by mutation) but is equipped with a siding plate above his mouth. Equipped with a powerfist and lightning claw. Wears a large cape the color of dried blood.

Basic info:

Before turning traitor he was a marine from an unknown chapter (but his mostly bare metal armor still shows flecks of yellow paint) , and even for a space marine he is considered extremely old, some people even believe it may not be the same man under his armor as when he first began his rampage across the stars. Despite his strengths and experience, he has a great fear of the tyranid swarms, having lost many battles to them pre-and post his turning, unable to out maneuver the massive hordes of his foes.

Feats:

Unified several weak, under equipped, groups of chaos marines into a unified fighting force focusing on looting space hulks and piracy. Captured a human inhabited medieval world know as Janus from the Dark Angels chapter, at one point using artillery strikes to force the acting captain leading the Dark Angels forces into retreating into a stone fortress for safety. Once he was inside, the volleys ceased as chosen began to pour out of the warp and surrounded the building. The chosen, wielding powerfists, pounded the outer supports of the building, crushing the loyalist inside.

Failures:

Lost most of his warband in an attempt to raid a space hulk full of tyranids in an attempt to reach a ship carrying several shipments of terminator armor that he believed was somewhere in the maze of metal. He was forced to retreat, and still searchs for the ever moving hulk, slowly descending in complete obsession.

Assets:

The planet Janus, current "Homeworld" of his warband, Janus is orbited by a space hulk, and the many uneducated masses of the world worship it, and the "treasures" the chaos marines now bring forth.

The cults of Janus, Several cults have arose in Janus after Chaos took the world, the two largest being The Sons of the Chain, a group fasinated by chain weapon technology and are often the more than willing subjects of a warpsmith who delights in attaching the weapons to their flesh. The other is The Brotherhood of the Blood God, a khornate cult that relishes the idea of death in battle, seeing the gift of their own blood and skulls as the ultimate tribute to Khorne, this is of course exploited by the marines, who often use them as cannon fodder.

The Silver Scourge: The wandband founded by Solomon, joined together by an almost unmatched hatred of the Imperium, and hopes of what their piracy may one day bring, they will fight for their small home in the galaxy to the last man. They must steal all supplies they are given due the extremely poor facilities of Janus and there warships, so it is not uncommon to see debased loyalist equipment in use among their ranks. Due to their origin as several smaller warbands, they simply strip their armor of all paint except for a black trim, although some of the more fanatical chaos worshipers still keep parts of their armor in the old colors.

High Sorcerer Amphion: Solomon's chief enforcer and the most knowable about matters of the warp in his warband. A Tzeentchen sorcerer of indeterminate origins who patrols the cities of Janus with a small group of lesser psykers. their purpose is to seek out any insurrection that may form to the forces chaos from behind the lines. All fear this group and many have heard or seen the favored method of "compliance". A trick invented by Amphion, he calls it a "Psychic Lobotomy" he assails the targets mind with the warp until they are left in a semi-catatonic, yet highly obedient state not unlike a sevitor.

Very very good considering what most homebrew fluff ends up being.

I'd drop the part about him being a psyker. Khorne does not accept psykers for any reason. Not even ones who have turned away from using them.

Agreed with Grey. Drop the psyker thing, it is unnecessary and contradictory to the fluff. Otherwise, it is pretty good; spectacular without being over the top.

I could transfer the lobotomy thing to the sorcerer, make him more of an enforcer, and remover the psyker status from my Chaos Lord, Ya I like that, it would keep the image of the sorcerer as more of an attack dog than a adviser. and remove the fluff issue from the lord.

I never liked the whole "crazy berzerker" part of the Khorne lore. IIRC older fluff even describes Khorne followers as honorable warriors, so it's nice to read something different from the norm.

Not sure about the Psyker thing either. You have to consider what a psyker is in the 40k universe. Is there even a way to not be a psyker anymore?

A... PSYKER? HE'S A PSYKER?

KHORNE DOESN'T NEED MAGIC, KHORNE ONLY NEEDS BLOOD.

KHORNE IS LOVE, KHORNE IS LIFE. EXCEPT FOR PSYKERS, THEY DIE.

Well except that Khorne and his race is magic... his weapons are magic... his daemons and others are often summoned by magic... and then some random fluff bits about khornate psykers that stop using their powers and restrict them self to 2 things. One, tallying the death count and 2, summoning daemons. Fear the contradictory fluff that Tzeentch has plotted!

Ok, Fluff updated.

I removed the pskyer thing, and added some battle fluff, and some about his forces.