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Note:
The forsaken knights chapter of space marines originates from the immortal knights chapter of space marines. After squad ellenius( or something) were deployed to a space hulk, only two members survived:
The ambitious lucien, and the traumatised (by SM standards) leonidas. When leonidas claimed that lucien had murdered the sergeant in cold blood, no one believed him, he chose trial by Stone, having to spend near a century in a stone cell. When his turn was up, he discovered that lucien had risen to captain of the fourth company. Leonidas quickly became captain of the second. the entire chapter was deployed to planet  mortalis to combat a rebellion. However, the 3rd, 4th 5th, 6th, 9th, 10th companies suddenly opened fire on their brothers, and lead by lucien, revealed their dedication to chaos. A terminator, young (again by SM standard), named raphael, had his squad killed by lucien's right hand man, a librarian/sorcerer. Leonidas and Raphael battled lucien and ( we haven't thought of the sorcerer's name yet respactively. Leonidas was mortally wounded in the fight, but raphael was able to force the two traitors into retreat we haven't thought of a reason yet and the chaos left the charred planet. The immortal knights chapter master fell into depression, and named raphael (who would later take up the title "the shrouded lord") his successor, and leonidas was inturred into a dreadnought.
The immortal knights renamed themselves the forsaken knights, and the traitors became the burning knights. But lucien had played a cruel trick indeed. Undefended, the knights holeworld had been destroyed by tyranids. 

Ok, so, on with the actual character.

Name: Raphael (the shrouded lord)
Age: approximately 350 
Appearance: 
Black hair, blue eyes, scar from upper jaw to hair line on side of face. 

Wargear:
Terminator armour covered in a cloak,
Twin thunder hammers,
Wrist mounted stormbolter.

Personality:
Intelligent, 
Strong sense if brother hood,
Willing to make long time alliances with others,
Protective of those in his charge (citizens on a planet owned by the forsaken knights, the twenty or so neophytes the chapter has).
Oh, BTW, he was appointed chapter master because he was a bad ass and because he was the true-sun of the original chapter master.
Also, the forsaken knights sleep standing up.

What do you all think, acceptable?

First of... don't do that (or something) thing. Take the time to think of things fully. It makes everything seem rushed and thoughtless, and a lot of those details you breeze by can significantly effect things.

Second, and I am so repeating myself but use a freaking spell check! Seriously, you've been told this more than once. When you get reminded of it time and again and refuse to use free tools to get it, all the message that is sent out is "I don't care about this so I'll make it look like trash."

Now as far as specific parts of the story:

When leonidas claimed that lucien had murdered the sergeant in cold blood, no one believed him, he chose trial by Stone, having to spend near a century in a stone cell. When his turn was up, he discovered that lucien had risen to captain of the fourth company. - Uh...huh? Why did nobody believe him? How does this trial by stone thing prove anything? How did Lucien rise so quickly to a full captain? Why would a chapter waste one of its few soldiers to put him in a cell for a century?

Leonidas quickly became captain of the second. How? Why? If he was traumatized (that in itself a very bad bit of fluff) how did he just turn around and just become a higher ranking captain? This is not a matter of sticking to the fluff, but simple logic at this point. Especially considering that this guy was already 100 years behind the pace of everyone else because of his "Trial" thing.

A terminator, young (again by SM standard), named raphael, had his squad killed by lucien's right hand man, a librarian/sorcerer. Leonidas and Raphael battled lucien and ( we haven't thought of the sorcerer's name yet respactively. Leonidas was mortally wounded in the fight, but raphael was able to force the two traitors into retreat we haven't thought of a reason yet and the chaos left the charred planet. The immortal knights chapter master fell into depression, and named raphael (who would later take up the title "the shrouded lord") his successor, and leonidas was inturred into a dreadnought. - Look, if you aren't going to bother telling us your story, why should we even bother reading it? Take your time and work on this. There is no time limit on fluff-writing and this whole thing is an unfinished, badly-written mess. How does a space marine become depressed and just decide to go into a Dreadnought? Hint, they don't work that way. Why did a chapter master name someone of MASSIVELY short experience and command another chapter master?

Oh, BTW, he was appointed chapter master because he was a bad ass and because he was the true-sun of the original chapter master. - Wow, this just needs to go entirely, for a lot of reasons. One, "because he was a bad ass" is the most childish, immature and boring explanation for being named chapter master ever. What is your chapter, a bunch of frat guys? And "true son" (at least what I think you meant) does not work, as Space Marines cannot have children, and are too young to have children before they are inducted into the chapter. This all needs to go. This is not a matter of changing or tweaking it, but it needs to be scrapped and needs way more thought put into it.

Also, the forsaken knights sleep standing up. - Um...okay? Why? Why is this important?

Spell check? I'm on iPod, its on alright, had to type mortalis three times because it thought I was saying "mortal"
Writing what I have on here, was a summary of the larger thing, kind of, just to see what people thought of the general idea.
The perpose of the trial is that if the marine is going to turn to chaos, he's going to so it when he's at his lowest, locked in a cell. No one believed him because he was paranoid(I said traumatised, I derped)
By depression i mean, I dunno, a feeling of imnence failure, like he didn't deserve to be chapter master. Raphael was hailed a Hero for fending off the traitors, and I dunno (any ideas?)
Also, it was leonidas who got inturred in a dread, not the chapter master.

This is badly thought out story that isn't really a story. Here is why. Etc -

Bob wanted to go to the shop (don't know why) while there he brought (haven't decided yet) After leaving the shop he met up with john (or something) and decided they would forever be call Bill and Ben instead.

Please don't do that again.