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And to risk being loony about it?

If your significant other has a problem with your hobby? Ask yourself “is their problem that I have something I enjoy that’s not them”.

See, abusive relationships can sneak up on you. An initial “reasonable compromise” made. For instance “I do wish you wouldn’t drink so much beer”. In most cases, that’s a concern for your health - all good there.

“I wish you wouldn’t go to the pub so often” is again not an unreasonable thing. If you’re going most nights, and your SO doesn’t enjoy that environment, probably fair enough.

But watch for escalations, as both of those could be powered by “I don’t want you having friends and enjoying anyone’s company but mine”. Which is a dark place to go my friends.

And remember, compromises work both ways. If you’re the only one expected or demanded to make changes to accommodate the new relationship? Run. Don’t walk. RUN. Get out of there as fast as you can. As it’s not about the relationship, it’s about control.

See the difference between arranging your leisure time together, and both parties doing things the other wouldn’t necessarily enjoy, and one of the persons insisting their interests and activities must take precedence.

Sure, there can be situations where one party has more genuine commitments. For instance, if you’re dating a single parent? Those kids are a significant commitment they can’t just sack off. And you may find your own options restricted by those commitments. That’s not inherently unhealthy. It just changes the balance of compromise. One good compromise might be “OK, parenting has me super busy over this block of days. But, they’re at their other parents or grandparents on This Future Weekend - so what do you want to do on This Future Weekend”. Just remember the other person will likely want to do their own Not Parenting Related Thing one those days too!

Exactly - its all about finding the balance in the relationship and gets back to that point that in a relationship you've a bunch of finite resources.

Those were finite before the relationship too; but once you're in a relationship you have to rebalance them around the relationship.

This could well mean less hobby time; fewer hobbies; less hobby space. Of course its not all negatives; you're getting a partner to live with; getting enjoyable time spent with them etc... It's less that you're giving up and more that you're respecting the finite nature of time in the day and adjusting your priorities and time spent around your new living situation.

Plus lets not forget its not a static thing. You might well have way less hobby time initially and way more relationship time. You might move house and now you've got a lot of house fixing up and stuff time instead of hobby time.
Your partner might already have kids or you might be having one with them - so now you've got that factoring in too.


The big key is that open communication and join balance of your needs and your partners needs and ensuring that you do your best that neither one is walking over the other or abusing the relationship. Accepting that such concepts are not always universal and there's a lot of grey areas where its neither one nor the other. Which is why it gets back to communication being key.

Yup. I’d agree with that.

For instance, want to go to a Tournament or Expo? Check your calendar first. If there’s a joint commitment or something, know that may well take precedence.

But, if it’s a Once In A Blue Moon thing? Explain that to your partner.

Non-gaming example. A band you loved is doing a reunion tour. You weren’t old enough for gigs the first time around, and so far as you or anyone else is aware? Them playing a local venue is a One Time, Now Or Quite Possibly Never opportunity.

But, oh no! Your partner was hoping to have friends they don’t see terribly often to visit that night.

Discuss it. Let them know this is a rare, possibly final opportunity. That’s not to say “and your friends can visit anytime”. Just that perhaps one of those activities has greater significance.

Who knows, maybe their friend is also a massive fan of that band, and would happily tag along. Maybe the friends are happy to move their visit to another weekend, like the one before or after.

Communicate. Set out your stall, and set it out well.

Problems would mostly stem from one or both parties digging their heels in.

The hypothetical I asked about was based on an incident in my life, only it was another game and not Warhammer.

She will remain nameless, but she was a wargamer who had met her ex at a gaming convention and they hit it off.

In the beginning everything was cool until for reasons I dont know, and she has never shared with me, her ex had gone full tilt down the rabbit hole and ended up consumed by the game.

He passed the whole, "I write fan-fic and dress up for conventions," (which is fine, as long as you are dressing up as Colonel Jack O'Neill) and into the dangerous areas of gaming where he would go online and get into verbal sparring matches over game rule minutiae and lore/continuity issues.

This online troll-like behavior didn't stop with near anonymous online sites, but eventually spilled out into local game stores where it lead to some uncalled for and unacceptable actions that ruined the fun others had and caused people to stop playing, because, "you know who is here today."

Attempts were eventually made by LGS staff to keep him away - it got that bad.

So I understood why she wanted to distance herself from the "extremist," and I feel that's why she wanted no part of that hobby, and cut it out of her life. And by that extension she also cut out people interested in that hobby due to some painful memories.

It's standard Epicureanism in which we avoid what is painful in life and seek out more pleasurable experiences.

So with that in mind, whenever I talked with her, I would just never mention that part of our formerly shared world. I can go without mentioning something if it will make your day a little better.