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Hello out there to all the Dakka parents!

We have an 8 year old son whom we believe to have some ADD/ADHD or possibly Aspergers-like issues (we'll be doing evaluations in a week or so).

His biggest issue is that he has, as I call them, "impulse control" issues.....with the most concerning being a lack of self control when it comes to getting angry.

He is the funniest, sweetest, and smartest kid.....when he isn't showing the ugly, rage-fueled side of himself.

Are there other parents around that have a child with similar issues that can help me to help my child?

I will write some examples later, but I need to head out to work at the moment!

Do you have older parents or relatives you can consult. I'd steer clear of simple internet advice and talk to them.

Be careful of self diagnosis. I would get two screenings if one of those come back and watch docs who want to immediate medicate them into walking comas. Remember boys are terrors generally, its their nature. They can learn to control themselves with PROPER discipline and management.

Watch people who tell you they should be medicated or should be like girls their age - calm and blah blah. Its a lie.

Could it perhaps just be a case of "boys will be boys"? I mean, I suppose there is a level of extreme to be had, but that one line description sounds like every non-medicated male child I've ever seen or heard of.

I don't have kids, but I was old enough to remember what my brother was like at that age, and how desperately the schools tried to push my parents into medicating him. They refused, and now as an adult, he's surprisingly well adjusted and capable of behaving with some self-restraint.

Good luck and good for you on getting professional help. Boys will be boys and they do have natural behaviors at that age that can be disruptive. My kids are younger than yours, however, I've had AOT of experience with 7-8 year old boys ( I taught a 3rd grade LEGO program for 5 years) and some kids really do have issues with self-regulation and impulse control above and beyond what is simply natural boy-ish-ness.

My only advice would be that if the doctor suggests a treatment that is mostly/entirely medication focused, seek a second opinion to see if there is treatment plan that emphasizes behavioral treatment as much or more than medication. Sometimes it is mostly a medication thing, but some doctors do rely too heavily on it so a second opinion is ALWAYS a good idea. This is especially true for issues like ADD where the treatment may be long-term.

As someone who struggled with ADD his entire life, but was not diagnosed until adulthood (and is still unmedicated), I realize the issue is cloudy. I turned out fine, and I don't know if medication as a child would have made my life appreciably better, but I do wish I'd at least known as a kid what I was up against and why I always seemed to be fighting my own impulses just to sit still.

My boy is currently 8, and has a number of issues. He’s been lying a good bit, gets angry, and is defiant most of the time. A lot of his play is fighting with his LEGOs.

But in my small sample set of his peers, and talking to other parent’s in the neighborhood, this is not that unusual. It can be a mistake to sweep all problems under the rug with a “boys will be boys” but do recognize that kids are still pushing their boundaries and figuring stuff out for themselves.

What we try to do is call him on his bad behavior and try to make him see why it was wrong. The other big problem is keeping my own temper in check. Kids will take their cues from you. Nothing quite like seeing your own bad habits thrown back at you. You want to raise your kids to be strong, independent, individuals, but as parents, we are currently “The Man” that is trying to keep them down.

Do seek advice from people who know you and your’s better. And take advice from specialists with a grain of salt. "Surgeons are paid to cut” You go to a specialist, they are going to want to do their thing. Have you already talked to your family practitioner? He/She probably has a more unbiased opinion on what to do.

 Nevelon wrote:
You go to a specialist, they are going to want to do their thing. Have you already talked to your family practitioner? He/She probably has a more unbiased opinion on what to do.

This is an excellent suggestion. If you have a good relationship with your pediatrician, they should probably be a first stop before going to a specialist.

 TheMeanDM wrote:


We have an 8 year old son whom we believe to have some ADD/ADHD or possibly Aspergers-like issues (we'll be doing evaluations in a week or so).

Wait until you have had the evaluations since it's only a week. We don't know your kids and what works on an NT kid may make an aspie kid worse. If its ADD/ADHD support for him may help. If it is aspergers working out what triggers melt downs will help. For example, telling off an aspie for having a meltdown can just add to the meltdown. In that case they you may just need to do something like ensuring that they are not overwhelmed and get them to a quiet place where they can deal with the sensory overload.

I agree with the idea of being weary of medication, especially from a doctor. If they do come back with something see a specialist if you can. Some doctors do seem to like to throw pills at any mental issue. Some are vary good however.

 Nevelon wrote:
Have you already talked to your family practitioner? He/She probably has a more unbiased opinion on what to do.

But is also not an expert, and in some cases may even insist that SPLDs don't exist (seriously, I have come across it. Some doctors get a huge god complex and don't like anything they can't fix or put a clear empiric diagnosis on)

Contrary to what Frazzled suggests, I say watch people who say to forego medicating. My wife's a psychotherapist and works with lots of kids / adults with ADD that was left untreated. Most are unable to cope as adults, have bad grades, can't hold a job and as a result struggle with low self-esteem.

Consider the long-term effects. And get to know several pediatricians and get their expert advice.

One of my daughters is on medication for ADHD. She had more focus issues than anger control. Her grades have improved dramatically since she started, as has her ability to stay focused and organized.

No one here knows your son better than you do nor can we foresee the results of medication / non-medication. You could always give it a trial run and stop if you don't see improvement?

He did some testing last year...and was unable to focus enough to complete everything (if that tells you something, lol). What he did get done showed a borderline adhd/aspegers issue.

The person we are meeting with focuses less on meds and more on nutrition and environment....which meds would ne an absolutely last resort for us.

My mom has passed away, and my in laws haven't ever had to work with a child that has issues like this.

Examples: he hoards/sneaks food when we aren't watching.
He often yells or hits when put in situations that he doesn't have "control" over. He experiences anxiety when faced with new or unusual situations (he gets really anxious when I mention learning how to ride his bike).

Sometimes I think he says or does stuff for attention or to try amd get his way....like any normal kid does....but there are definite times when the impulsivity and thought process just does not function.

 TheMeanDM wrote:
Hello out there to all the Dakka parents!

We have an 8 year old son whom we believe to have some ADD/ADHD or possibly Aspergers-like issues (we'll be doing evaluations in a week or so).

His biggest issue is that he has, as I call them, "impulse control" issues.....with the most concerning being a lack of self control when it comes to getting angry.

He is the funniest, sweetest, and smartest kid.....when he isn't showing the ugly, rage-fueled side of himself.

Are there other parents around that have a child with similar issues that can help me to help my child?

I will write some examples later, but I need to head out to work at the moment!

My 8 year old nephew was recently diagnosed with ADD/ADHD so I have some experience of how my in-laws dealt with it.

Even if your son is medicated, ask about any possible behavioural therapy and / or team sports. The medication will help with his immediate concentration / frustration problems and any disruptive behaviour that might be hurting him in school, but in the end it will much better for him if he learns to deal with it without using any medication and both therapy and team sports will help a great deal with this.

Also, talk to several specialists to see if their diagnosis match. That never hurts.

 TheMeanDM wrote:

He often yells or hits when put in situations that he doesn't have "control" over. He experiences anxiety when faced with new or unusual situations (he gets really anxious when I mention learning how to ride his bike).

That could be something serious, for an 8 year old.

I am sad and embarassed and feel like a failure as a parent to say this......but last night he was arguing with his older sister (she and her twin are almost 11 and were watching him while my wife amd I were at play practice for 2 1/2 hours)....his thought process broke down to the point where he started to pull a knife from our knife block in the kitchen because he was so angry at his sister (who had only been relaying our message to get ready for bed because we were on our way home).

He said he wasn't thinking...he didn't know why he did it...and he (I believe) was/is truly remorseful about it.

I get the boys will be boys thing. But this.....I feel....is beyond that.

I am just trying to reach out and find others that have similar shared experiences who are making their way through this or who have "completed" the journey.

PhantomViper wrote:

Even if your son is medicated, ask about any possible behavioural therapy and / or team sports. The medication will help with his immediate concentration / frustration problems and any disruptive behaviour that might be hurting him in school, but in the end it will much better for him if he learns to deal with it without using any medication and both therapy and team sports will help a great deal with this.

Team sports and aspergers are often a bad mix. Complex rules, lots of noise, movement, shouting, social interaction, new situations = meltdown. They may be good for ADD, but can be very bad for aspergers.

 TheMeanDM wrote:
I am sad and embarassed and feel like a failure as a parent to say this......but last night he was arguing with his older sister (she and her twin are almost 11 and were watching him while my wife amd I were at play practice for 2 1/2 hours)....his thought process broke down to the point where he started to pull a knife from our knife block in the kitchen because he was so angry at his sister (who had only been relaying our message to get ready for bed because we were on our way home).

He said he wasn't thinking...he didn't know why he did it...and he (I believe) was/is truly remorseful about it.

That SOUNDS like how some people have described aspie meltdowns too me. However, without knowing anything about him all I can say is "You could be right. Go and talk to someone"

IF it is aspergers It DOES get better. The first thing to do is diagnosis. Him and you knowing the cause is a big step forward and a major piece of the puzzle. Once you both know the reason you can start working on diffusing or avoiding the situations. For example if he does have aspergers he can learn what set off meltdowns and walk away to calm down. Your daughter will also have to be involved. Kids with aspergers often get bullied as other kids know how to push there buttons and set off a meltdown, even without knowing what the problem is. She will also need to learn not to push him and how to disagree an adult way.

 TheMeanDM wrote:
I am sad and embarassed and feel like a failure as a parent to say this......but last night he was arguing with his older sister (she and her twin are almost 11 and were watching him while my wife amd I were at play practice for 2 1/2 hours)....his thought process broke down to the point where he started to pull a knife from our knife block in the kitchen because he was so angry at his sister (who had only been relaying our message to get ready for bed because we were on our way home).

He said he wasn't thinking...he didn't know why he did it...and he (I believe) was/is truly remorseful about it.

I get the boys will be boys thing. But this.....I feel....is beyond that.

I am just trying to reach out and find others that have similar shared experiences who are making their way through this or who have "completed" the journey.

Yes thats beyond that. Testing sounds like a good idea.

And cut the crap about being a failure.

 Steve steveson wrote:

PhantomViper wrote:

Even if your son is medicated, ask about any possible behavioural therapy and / or team sports. The medication will help with his immediate concentration / frustration problems and any disruptive behaviour that might be hurting him in school, but in the end it will much better for him if he learns to deal with it without using any medication and both therapy and team sports will help a great deal with this.

Team sports and aspergers are often a bad mix. Complex rules, lots of noise, movement, shouting, social interaction, new situations = meltdown. They may be good for ADD, but can be very bad for aspergers.

That is why I prefaced my post by saying that I only knew how my in-laws dealt with ADD. I haven't got the first clue about Aspergers or how to deal with that particular situation.

Its funny you mention team sports.....he loves playing baseball this year and says he wants to be a professional player when he grows up!

Yeah, I rescind my boys will be boys comment. Time for help.

It's not your fault dude. I doubt you taught him to act like that. Don't feel bad, just correct the issue.

PhantomViper wrote:

 Steve steveson wrote:

PhantomViper wrote:

Even if your son is medicated, ask about any possible behavioural therapy and / or team sports. The medication will help with his immediate concentration / frustration problems and any disruptive behaviour that might be hurting him in school, but in the end it will much better for him if he learns to deal with it without using any medication and both therapy and team sports will help a great deal with this.

Team sports and aspergers are often a bad mix. Complex rules, lots of noise, movement, shouting, social interaction, new situations = meltdown. They may be good for ADD, but can be very bad for aspergers.

That is why I prefaced my post by saying that I only knew how my in-laws dealt with ADD. I haven't got the first clue about Aspergers or how to deal with that particular situation.

Sorry. It came out wrong in writing. I wasn't trying to tell you you were wrong, just adding a perspective about aspergers. It sounded better in my head!

 TheMeanDM wrote:
Its funny you mention team sports.....he loves playing baseball this year and says he wants to be a professional player when he grows up!

Excellent. Thats something I should have added. If the team sport is something they want to play and is a "special interest" then excellent. If it is aspergers he will know all the rules for sure! IF he has apsergers He may get frustrated when things don't go his way though, so be careful, or he may just enjoy the sport for the fun of it. It all depends on his mindset. Personally I think refereeing/umpiring is very good for aspie kids with a sports obsession if they start to fall behind due to some of the coordination issues they may have. They know all the rules and can make everyone else follow them.

I think you nailed it with the button-pushing sibling!

The two of them can be the tightest and closest and most-fun-having siblings.

But....she is also REALLY good at pushing his buttons (and everybody else's too!).

Glad to hear that there is hope...and thanks for the positive reinforcement.

Their really is lots of hope. If it is aspergers, with a diagnosis comes an understanding of what is happening, how to help and that routine helps.

Many people with aspergers move from meltdowns to shutdowns, where they just get away and get quiet.

IF it is aspergers I highly recommend the books of Sarah Hendrickx. She is an expert on aspergers, but also has it herself. She deals more with adults, but I find her work very accessible and good at giving an understanding of what it is like to have aspergers.

 Frazzled wrote:
Do you have older parents or relatives you can consult. I'd steer clear of simple internet advice and talk to them.

Be careful of self diagnosis. I would get two screenings if one of those come back and watch docs who want to immediate medicate them into walking comas. Remember boys are terrors generally, its their nature. They can learn to control themselves with PROPER discipline and management.

Watch people who tell you they should be medicated or should be like girls their age - calm and blah blah. Its a lie.

I second this, get two or three screenings for the kid. Never rely on internet advice except for dating.
Also, What little girls have you met that are calm? All little girls I have met that age are scheming and already plotting your murder.

 hotsauceman1 wrote:

Never rely on internet advice except for dating.

Seriously though, don't do that either.

If he is reaching for weapons when frustrated/angry I think you basically have to have you or your partner supervising him full time when he is not at school or in the charge of another adult

no matter how convenient it is leaving a child like this (even if normally well behaved) under the supervision of a pair of 11 year old siblings is a recipe for disaster. I'd also be wary of 'underage' baby sitters similar reasons.

(don't assume that they were winding him up even though it will be easier for you to do so than accepting he was just being plain nasty. The might have been, but they might not and you have to at least think about the worst case scenario)

I really hope his medical testing/assesments provide an answer to why this is going on and while long term medication is not an ideal result it may well be appropriate in the short term so he can begin to address his anxiety and impulse control issues with longer term behaviour therapys