Space Marine Jokes

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**dusara217**

What are some jokes that Space Marines might tell each other? Preferably ones that we might also find funny, though that is not required for listing on this thread.

**Ashiraya**

Probably black war-related humour.

**2BlackJack1**

SM #1: "Wanna know what's funny?"

SM#2: "What, brother?"

SM#1: "Mutants rights"

*both laugh and go shoot some xenos.*

To be honest, I don't see these living war machines telling jokes. Maybe fighting each other in an arena for training, maybe listening to hymns to the Emperor in their freetime, but nothing like humor. Not enough grim darkness for people. Although, Space Wolves for sure trade each other jokingly, but they aren't the norm for SM policies. Even read about fart jokes in the SW Omnibus.

**dusara217**

2BlackJack1 wrote:
SM #1: "Wanna know what's funny?"

SM#2: "What, brother?"

SM#1: "Mutants rights"

*both laugh and go shoot some xenos.*

To be honest, I don't see these living war machines telling jokes. Maybe fighting each other in an arena for training, maybe listening to hymns to the Emperor in their freetime, but nothing like humor. Not enough grim darkness for people. Although, Space Wolves for sure trade each other jokingly, but they aren't the norm for SM policies. Even read about fart jokes in the SW Omnibus.

Half a dozen HH books befg to differ. Most of them are sarcastic about the current situation, though, and I'm looking for something more along the lines of
"What do a wise Space Wolf and a loyal mutant have in common?"
"I don't know, what?"
"They don't exist!"

I guess that I'm just looking for help to come up with jokes they might tell each other.

**2BlackJack1**

I haven't read the HH series, so pardon my ignorance. I don't know any from fluff in that format, but there are jokes like that floating around the webs. To name some I remember:

A guardsmen, commisar, and space marine walk into a bar. The space marine crashes through the bar with his reinforced skull. The guardsman runs into it and calls for a medic. The commisar executes the guardsman for being unable to beat the bar I'm combat.

A General, Chapter Master, and Sororitas Cannoness are arguing over who has the bravest men. To prove his point, the chapter master orders a space marine to jump into an air lock. With a sign of the aquila, the marine jumps through. "That's nothing" the cannonness says, and orders a repentia squad to jump through. With a cry of "for the Emperor!" They also jump through. With a smug grin on his face, the general draws his sidearm and tells a private to jump through as well. "Sir, no, sir!" The guardsman says. "I win." The General declares triumphantly. " How so?" The other two ask in unison. "Because that took balls" he said.

**Harriticus**

How many Thousand Sons does it take to change a lightbulb?

Over 1,000.

**TheCustomLime**

Brother Spacius: Honorable battle brother Marinus, how many Dark Angels does it take to exchange one defective lightbulb for a functioning one?

Brother Marinus: I don't know honorable battle brother spacius, how many?

Brother Spacius: 4. One to change the lightbub, one to keep it a secret, one to hunt down the defective lightbulb and another to kill any other Astartes that found out about it.

Brother Marinus: Both amusing and a fair observation on the secrecy of the 1st Legion.

**Paint_To_Redemption**

How many Boyz does it take ta change a lightbulb?

WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!

**dusara217**

Yes, thank you for the jokes so far, guys. These are exactly the kinds of things that I'm looking for.
@BlackJack
It's fine if you haven't read the HH novels. Most of the new ones are terrible due to the writers getting burned out, but most of the older ones are pretty good. Especially the first three - those were the pilot novels, and the author had the most artistic leeway and time to write the novel, so he did a much better job of it than you'll see later in the series.

Honestly, so many of the 40k novels are so poorly written, it's hard to even buy one without fear of it being awful, despite people's recommendations.

**locarno24**

To be fair, one of the best moments we had was in a Deathwatch RPG session, with a kill-team involving two veterans; one a Dark Angel, one an Executioner.

"I know little of your chapter's history, Brother. Sons of Dorn?"

"Yes. We...strayed...without realising it during the horror of the Badab War. Partway through the war we came to understand that we had unknowingly betrayed the Imperium. We surrendered, confessed, and embarked on a hundred year penitent crusade - after which our homeworld was returned and we were forgiven in the eyes of Terra."

"Wait...you can do that?"

**dusara217**

locarno24 wrote:
To be fair, one of the best moments we had was in a Deathwatch RPG session, with a kill-team involving two veterans; one a Dark Angel, one an Executioner.

"I know little of your chapter's history, Brother. Sons of Dorn?"

"Yes. We...strayed...without realising it during the horror of the Badab War. Partway through the war we came to understand that we had unknowingly betrayed the Imperium. We surrendered, confessed, and embarked on a hundred year penitent crusade - after which our homeworld was returned and we were forgiven in the eyes of Terra."

"Wait...you can do that?"

Oh my fack

that's glorious!

**Furyou Miko**

lol.

Well, its not a Space Marine joke, but this one amused me from Faith and Fire.

A half-strength squad of Celestians are trapped in a dead-end corridor in a heretic fortress. They're holding their own, but some mutant ogryns appear at the end of the corridor.

mook Celestian: "Emperor's teeth, if only I had a Storm Bolter!"

Mook Celestian 2: "Yes, you could give it to them to make this easier!"

**Happyjew**

They're long. I've posted them twice before. I don't care.

Spoiler:

**jrb692021**

These are freaking hilarious. thanks guys

**Animus**

One day there was a Craftworld floating through space, filled to the brim with treacherous Eldar working their foul witchery, when from out of the blue they were hailed by a small asteroid not too far away. The communication channel crackled open and the Eldar heard a voice which said;
"One Space Marine can best ten Eldar."

The Eldar smirked and accepted this challenge, they sent ten bold aspect Warriors over to the asteroid to punish the voice's hubris. They waited for a few minutes but over the communications all they heard was screaming Eldar. After a brief pause the voice from before returned and boasted that;
"One Space Marine can best one hundred Eldar."

The Eldar were angry and so they rounded up ninety bold aspect warriors and ten mighty warlocks and dispatched them to the asteroid. The communications channel immediately roared with the sounds of battle but once more all they heard above it all was the dying screams of the Eldar. Before the screaming could even stop the voice returned again and proudly declared that;
"One Space Marine can best one thousand Eldar." The popping of an Eldar skull punctuated the sentence.

The Eldar were now furious and foaming at the mouth, they gathered up all their remaining warriors and sacrificed the young king to awaken the Avatar - their ire would not be cooled until they had completely annihilated the voice. They launched their grand host at full speed towards the asteroid and a raging battle ensues. Eventually the ship comes limping back to dock, and from it emerged a battered Avatar. His sword was broken, his hide was covered with cracks leaking cold ash, on his chest was carved an Imperial Aquilla and on his face and rear were power armoued boot prints. The dying Avatar fell to his knees. "T-they cheated!" he gasped and began to crumble to dust, "It-it was an Ultramarine!"

**Matthew**

Happyjew, I love jew.

AHAHAHAHHAHAHA

**Nevelon**

Animus wrote:
One day there was a Craftworld floating through space, filled to the brim with treacherous Eldar working their foul witchery, when from out of the blue they were hailed by a small asteroid not too far away. The communication channel crackled open and the Eldar heard a voice which said;
"One Space Marine can best ten Eldar."

The Eldar smirked and accepted this challenge, they sent ten bold aspect Warriors over to the asteroid to punish the voice's hubris. They waited for a few minutes but over the communications all they heard was screaming Eldar. After a brief pause the voice from before returned and boasted that;
"One Space Marine can best one hundred Eldar."

The Eldar were angry and so they rounded up ninety bold aspect warriors and ten mighty warlocks and dispatched them to the asteroid. The communications channel immediately roared with the sounds of battle but once more all they heard above it all was the dying screams of the Eldar. Before the screaming could even stop the voice returned again and proudly declared that;
"One Space Marine can best one thousand Eldar." The popping of an Eldar skull punctuated the sentence.

The Eldar were now furious and foaming at the mouth, they gathered up all their remaining warriors and sacrificed the young king to awaken the Avatar - their ire would not be cooled until they had completely annihilated the voice. They launched their grand host at full speed towards the asteroid and a raging battle ensues. Eventually the ship comes limping back to dock, and from it emerged a battered Avatar. His sword was broken, his hide was covered with cracks leaking cold ash, on his chest was carved an Imperial Aquilla and on his face and rear were power armoued boot prints. The dying Avatar fell to his knees. "T-they cheated!" he gasped and began to crumble to dust, "It-it was an Ultramarine!"

I’ve hear that one before, but with a different punchline.

Spoiler:

Also, with orks.

**Happyjew**

How many Commissars does it take to change a light bulb?

One. They are efficient and do not have a sense of humour.

**EmpNortonII**

From one Carcharodon Astra to another.

"How many Star Phantoms does it take to escape a dying world?"

Both break out in laughter.