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 Mynameisalie wrote:

 motyak wrote:

 Mynameisalie wrote:
More feedback please.
I worked hard on that compilation.

Firstly, why should we? Old mate made a lot of good points, but you brushed them all off.

But I'll bite anyway.

Change the goddess completely. She isn't helping them. The magic magic material isn't helping. She is basically feeding off of them. The crystal/metal/whatever the hell you have landed on is implanted into all 'enlightened' lynx who know of the goddess, and through that she can influence their decisions and actions (not micromanage, just broadly 'I hate these guys' or 'hurrah, caste system, lets not question why'). The 'blind' lynx are, in fact, free of her control. But don't actually say that. Keep it as if they 'haven't been converted', make it propaganda-y like so much of the good fluff. Don't go from having this silly perfect race to have another silly perfect REBEL race. That's not what you need.

Making that change, so she is some kind of minor deity (you can work out how she came about, maybe she's just an ancient Lynx or something, who found this rock. Maybe its the rock itself which is sentient, like the Lith, which I referenced....12 pages ago?) or even its the rock which protects them, doesn't make them super psykers, just more susceptible to the gene (so they have a lot). You seem to be set on almost all psykers, if I try to change that the world ends.

Take that and make some changes. Alternatively, ignore the help and ask for 'more feedback'. Your call.

Oh that's good. That's very good. Psychic control using the implants? Do want. Plus, more Grimdark. Everybody likes Grimdark!
Secondly, I did try and shoot off the idea she found the rock, but how did she come about in the first place? That's what I'm really struggling with. I was just wondering if someone could point me in the right direction.

The rock is the god. There are sentient rocks. It would make sense for the rock to represent itself as a god that the Lynx could relate to. And its not all a one way relationship, they help the rock by spreading it around, both physically and in terms of influence, it couldn't do that without them

Like...
The rock is sentient?
What causes it to be sentient? Maybe the Silvite?

The lith is Daemon infested, your one can just have grown that way through warp exposure, not a Daemon, just a mutant...rock. There are weirder things in the 40k universe. But don't just take my ideas at face value, joshi or someone could have a way to add to them and make them better

Forget it. Found what you meant.
And could I possibly make Silvite a by-product? No idea.

http://www.lexicanum.com/

Type in 'the lith'. If the link didn't work its the best I can do

No, I found it.

Living rocks sounds interesting, could be that the lynx are just deluded and thing the rock is speaking to them, when it's actually warp tainted/ lynx-pheromone sense screwing/ whatever other weird conspiracy theory to make it more grimdark.

The race has enough of the insane. The Lost take up that facet. Every last one of them has been driven mad, or is just completely and utterly unreasonable.

Better idea.
Instead of the planet, why not the Star? The Star could be sentient. Imagine that. Strange, but yet strangely intriguing...

The Necrons would like a word with you. That, and that just screams super Mary sue.

"Hey, we're the space Thundercats with the talking happy wish star!" No. Just no.

Take the melon-fething rock.

Didn't see the Necron thing there. Damn it. C'tan, right?

Sure. I'll take the rock. On one condition. It's small, but important.
Please please please may I keep the Silvite for Christ's sake? It's not much to ask.

Why?

Because I took several months coming up with it and refining it, to the point where you guys still didn't like, so I re-purposed it and changed it to a metal to please you all?

There are some things that cannot be fixed. If the flaw lies in the fundamental concept, no amount of window dressing will change that.

It's just a battery. Where's the harm in that?

Because subtle warp exposure adds doubt. It adds another layer to the species. Are they really using the rocks, or are the rocks tainting them and their delusions are taken as beliefs?

Of course I'll take one side over the other, but leave a few hints and suggestions here and there that say otherwise.

Alright Mynameisalie, in the next twenty or thirty or forty minutes, I'm gonna have a bigass critique of your fluff so far. So don't think I'm abandoning your thread. I'm not.

I'll have a go to, but I'm slightly busy right now.

Hmm, let me think about the metal thing.
So, it is a battery. I won't mind that and do not really see what is wrong with it, but it would indeed give warp exposure, wich will corrupt the users.
So, any Lynx that uses it would become slightly tainted, and heavy users will become entirly tainted?

AFAIK they are either nulls or super psykers, so no "mild corruption". Either pure or full blown spawndom.

Mynameisalie wrote:First, absolutely pivotal thing about the Lynx, their Goddess. She is literally the centre of what the Lynx do in daily life. Imagine along the lines of female Emperor that doesn't and never had a mortal form (in my defence, best comparison I could make). Their religion is based around her. Their military fight in Her name. Why? The Lynx believe her to be the one that pulls the race to glory (and she's doing a decent job of it!) Smiths will very often inscribe Her name into the blades and hilts of swords in Lynx runes, to bear good luck to the wielder. You could say the Lynx are very superstitious about their Goddess, luck, fate etc. She is INCREDIBLY important. For several reasons. She was the one that gifted the Lynx race with the powers of psykers, and also the one who, every single second, prevents daemons from corrupting her patron race's souls by willingly putting herself in the way of the assault and shielding their minds from daemonic possession. Hence, it is rare a Lynx will involuntarily turn to Chaos.

So, is she a Chaos God or just an extremely powerful psyker? And also, one entity can't make another entity a psyker. You're either born a psyker or you're not. Like, the Goddess could amplify the Lynx's existing psychic powers, but I doubt it could give an unpsychic Lynx powers.

Mynameisalie wrote:How she came to be is still an undecided matter on my behalf. I have NO IDEA where she came from, but my best theory at the moment is a consciousness generated from the souls of the whole Lynx populace, even the "blind" ones. "Blind" Lynx are those who still inhabit worlds where advanced technology, like plasma weaponry, advanced computing systems etc haven't even been dreamed of yet. Hence, these Lynx are commonly referred to as ferals, both by the IoM and the Tau. Civil Lynx, ones who are psykers, call them either the "blind" or the "unenlightened", due to them not having the benefit of the realisation that the Goddess has arrived to bring their race to glory.

So, if the Goddess' power comes from the thoughts and emotions of the Lynx, that would make her a minor Chaos God. Personally I like the idea of minor Chaos Gods, but some Dakkanauts don't. Really, I think its stupid for Chaos to only have four Gods. That isn't very chaotic, is it? Also, I like the part about the blind Lynx.

That being said, if she is a Chaos God, what's the emotion or state-of-being she's centered around? I would suggest hope, which would mean she's kind of like Tzeentch. And that would also mean that Tzeentch probably wants to kill her for infringing on his domain. After all, gods don't like having to share.

Mynameisalie wrote:Both culture and physiology is different in these two types of Lynx, but they both share the same triple-helix DNA pattern. Where this pattern originated, the Lynx do not know. What it contains, though, is another matter. One strand of the Helix contains the base genetic programming of a Lynx; what they look like, their personality etc. Another is the psyker gene. This gene lies totally and utterly dormant in Ferals; hence they are as prone to daemonic possession as a normal human would be. It can only be activated through direct contact with the energy that resides in Silvite. The third strand is very strange, but as far as the Lynx understand it, it is a last resort to daemonic possession or Enslavers. If a daemon or an Enslaver happens to infest a Lynx's mind, this gene will suddenly stimulate the release of nanoscopic enzymes the cut away the psyker gene forcefully from the Helix, isolate it, and alter it. The way in which is altered is considered a horror to any Civil Lynx: they unfortunate soul that undergoes this process will have their psychic powers stripped from them. But even worse, the Lynx keeps their life, at the cost of their very soul. They are stripped of most emotion, becoming very similar to human psychic blanks in the respect they are unnerving to sentient beings that are in their presence. Naturally, this has an anti-psyker effect on surrounding Lynx, which is why these poor beings are usually put out of their misery, in the form of a smoking Lance Pistol muzzle. The Lynx consider it a curse to live without feeling, without emotion, without a soul. But, in some rare cases, the more powerful "blanks" are kept and used against the ranks of Chaos, when the time comes. Hence, they join the ranks of the Silenced.

I think it would work better as an organ that does this, rather than a DNA helix.

Mynameisalie wrote:Another important facet of all this is a strange metal named Silvite. It is indigenous to this Galaxy, possibly meaning it arrived during a meteor storm flung out millions of years ago from another Galaxy. It does, however, have a very interesting property. It absorbs surrounding energy and transfers it into a form which the IoM term Omnus-Energy, which literally means All-energy. The reason for its name is due to the fact it can be used as a source of power for nearly any machine you can think of. In terms of energy storage, and good chunk of the stuff, say the size of a house could be used as a suitable replacement as a Plasma Reactor of at least three times the size. It also has a psych-stabilization effect, acting as a psychic inhibitor that taps excess power that is often radiated from a Lynx when they are performing a more complex feat of psychic manipulation. This makes it very useful in powering machines and as safeguards against dangerous levels of psychic power. Another interesting property is that this Omnus-energy will decay into matter overtime, often causing Silvite to look as if it was growing like a living plant. The abundance of a sustainable metal means most Lynx weaponry and armour is made out of it.

You can cut all of this stuff. It doesn't add to the Lynx at all. I doubt anyone is going to read about the Lynx and ask, "But how do they power their houses and cities??????!!!!!!!!!!"

Mynameisalie wrote:The reason why planets of Lynx become psychic instead of small, random errors in gene coding is also due to Silvite. Without it, Cleovara would not have been born and the Lynx would still be little more than uncivilised animals living on a handful of worlds. During Her birth, the energy contained within the Silvite gave Cleovara just enough energy to actually emerge as a full consciousness. Cleovara is generally defined as being a benign deity, interested only in the survival of those who are clean (i.e. pretty much every race in the Galaxy that isn't condemned to Chaos, yes that includes Humans too. But of course, we're too xenophobic to give a gak about this and so we ignore it!), and one that really, really does not like daemons. At all. Now Lynx as a race really didn't care about daemons in the first place, but as they are devoted to their Goddess, they adopted her ways and generated a hatred for daemons amongst the Lynx populace. But that’s getting a bit off what this paragraph is on. Now, of course she immediately revealed herself to the populace and her first action was to bless her race (after all, she is their patron Goddess) with the psyker gene. The third strand in the Lynx’s DNA was changed to that of a psyker gene. This happened anywhere there were Lynx inhabiting a planet that had Silvite. However, only on planets that had Silvite in sufficient quantity was this gene activated. This left nearly 65% of the whole Lynx population with an inactivated psyker gene, ergo, Feral Lynx aren’t psykers.

Yeah, you can cut most of this stuff too. The Lynx are pretty much furry Eldar by this point. Seriously, they're a race of almost entirely psykers who hate Chaos and worship strange Gods, utilizing extremely advanced technology. You should keep the Goddess as a Lynx centric Chaos God.

Mynameisalie wrote:Physically, Feral and Civil Lynx only look slightly different. Feral Lynx will have more of a bestial nature to them, as well as larger muscles that have not been ironed out by evolution: they still need them. So there is not much to say about them other than that. But, anatomy wise, Lynx are interesting.
Most fascinating part is to do with their nervous system. It’s designed not only to carry electrical impulses, but psychic energy as well. This distribution of psychic energy is dealt with by a small membrane than surrounds a Lynx’s nerve like a spider web mesh. It’s actually part of the CNS. It controls and maintains internal levels of psychic energy to a certain degree, and is also responsible for things like memory tears and the odd psychic shields Civil Lynx tend to exhibit. Memory tears are a very interesting phenomenon. They are imbued with a small amount of psychic essence, along with a replica of some of the Lynx’s DNA. They are most often formed when emotion levels are running very high, such as anguish, ecstasy, rage etc. They contain a memory, often 5 to 10 minutes long, in incredibly vivid detail. Missing sections, fuzzy quality, and blurriness are all signs of the memory being tampered with, often indicating daemonic possession. In this way, the Inquisition have learnt a lot by torturing or persuading Lynx they have captured into creating a memory tear which they can analyse. But this is often dangerous. If you are not a Lynx, the memory may have a chance of burning itself to your memory, making it seem as if you were the Lynx themselves. Hence, Inquisitors often get guardsmen or the like to use the tear instead.

Lynx cry memories? I think you can cut this. It makes the Lynx seem too much like 'magical super-special cat people'. Really, if you remove this the Lynx will be pretty much the same.

Mynameisalie wrote:The two societies are very different, but here’s a breakdown.
In Feral Society, Lynx are often formed into groups called Prides. These Prides vary in size, some consisting of only a few members, others containing hundreds or even thousands of Ferals. The Druid of a Pride is determined through a series of tests, usually consisting of Strength and Skill, but more often than not, there is cheating and dishonesty involved, from assassination of the other competitors to use of Silvite shards. This Druid has full control over the Pride, but in prides numbering over a hundred usually there will be two or more Druids. If a Lynx is unhappy with the current Druids, then they either have to beat them through ritual combat, trial of skills or some other devious means of achieving the position. If you are born into the current Druid’s family, then you will be the inheritor of the position, depending if you are the firstborn of the Druid.
Druids sometimes carry shards of Silvite on their person, at all times. For some reason unknown to the Lynx, it allows the wielder limited control over their psyker gene, even if it is inactive. This gifts them the power of a psyker, but none of protection that Cleovara provides. Fortunately, they do not burn as brightly as other Lynx, and so are less noticeable.
Almost all male Lynx in a Pride will fight for territory, females are the ones that hunt and rear young. Males that do not fight are often found as professionals, crafting weaponry, looking after the wounded etc. Females have little to no education in any of these arts, due to male dominance.

Now the silvite are/is almost exactly like soulstones, which makes the Lynx even more like the Eldar. They're magic rocks that protect them from daemons and shield their souls. But beyond that, the feral Lynx civilization isn't bad. It's a backwards dictatorship, where ass-kicking equals authority.

Mynameisalie wrote:In Civil Lynx society, things get a lot more complicated.
A Lynx will be born into a specific caste, depending on whom the parents are. If the parents are from two different castes, then usually the child will follow the father’s caste if it is male, the mother’s if it’s female. These castes are as follows:
- Warrior Caste
- Creation Caste
- Devotion Caste
- Star Caste
- Prodigy Caste
- The Silenced
- The Lost
- Royal Caste
Here’s a moderately detailed breakdown of each caste:
The Warrior Caste is as it sounds. Lynx who wish to fight in the military join this caste to fight in Cleovara’s name. This caste is the largest of the 8 castes, the Lynx having a very strong fighting force that is well equipped and rigorously trained. Unlike the Imperial Guard, Lynx are trained to use their initiative in case of the Bladelord or Warrior Prince leading the force is killed. They will follow orders that they receive to the letter though, unless that order will result in a needless death. They have even been deployed to eliminate rebellions, but rumours tell of some ruthless Lynx, their identities unknown, ordering the elimination of an entire continent for no apparent reason…

They shouldn't have inter-caste marriage. That's too progressive for a society with castes. Royals should only marry Royals, Prodigies should only marry Prodigies, Stars should only marry Stars, etc...

Also, the warrior caste isn't too bad. It seems kind of bland to me, but there's nothing wrong with it. You can keep it as it is if you choose to do so.

Mynameisalie wrote:The Creation Caste deals with the production of weapons, armour, food and pretty much anything else that can be grown, smelted, or built. They do a lot of dealing with the Warrior Caste, as many of the weapons are hand-crafted and stylised for each individual combatant. On some worlds very rich in Silvite, the Creation Caste is the dominant caste, mass-producing everything the Lynx need. But there are a few machinations that have been built by this caste that many outside it should not know…

Get rid of silvite.

Now, onto the actual caste. If you wanted to make it more grimdark, you could make the Creation caste more of a lower caste. Like, they're pretty much slaves. If you're born into this caste, you're forced to spend the rest of your life building technology you're not allowed to use for Lynx that are higher up than you.

Mynameisalie wrote:The Devotion Caste is a bit of an oddity. They deal with the enforcement of religion, similar to the Ecclesiarchy, but do not use brute force to do so. They are naturally cunning and manipulative, and some in the Devotion Caste become advisors for the members of the Royal Caste. This caste tends to holy shrines, relics and the mass amount of ancient knowledge about their race. Few outside this caste ever learn even a fraction of their race’s history, but the Devotion Caste have a good reason to hide their knowledge. There are some things the general populace ought not to know…

So, the Devotion caste enforce a state-religion. They censor anything that contradicts their texts, as well as anything that might allow the average Lynx to know too much. If everyone knew about their religion, the Devotion caste wouldn't be in control anymore. Power is their biggest concern, so they make sure to keep a tight grip on any knowledge. I imagine they compete with the Royal caste for control, and the two have clashed in the past.

Mynameisalie wrote:The Star Caste’s members are the pilots, commanders and navigators of the Lynx’s starships. Whether these be simple transport vessels to fully-fledged battle cruisers armed with experimental weaponry, you’ll find almost all of the Star Caste contributing to the Lynx’s society from the cold vacuum of space. Lately, weapons technology has taken precedence over luxury cruises, and the number of transport vessels has fallen dramatically. This has led to some uproar throughout Lynx society, and some commanders have had to be forced to (on more than one occasion) eliminate these rebellions through several orbital bombardments…

I really doubt the Lynx would revolt over having to travel on less comfortably starships, unless they're all idiots. I dunno, maybe you could change it so that Lynx from the Creation, Lost and Prodigy castes aren't allowed to travel anymore, so that the government can keep a tighter grip on them. These Lynx revolted, and then they were blown up.

Mynameisalie wrote:The caste that invents the new technology and machinery that many Lynx need is known as the Prodigy Caste. Normally, very intelligent and gifted Lynx will be drafted into this Caste if they are found lacking in the Caste they were born into. Though a very young race, the Lynx have already unlocked many of the secrets of the universe, such as quantum mechanics or advanced technology. The most recent (and worrying) discovery this Caste has made is shrouded in mystery, but reports made to the Imperium through a network of spies has revealed some rumours about it being based on the Schwarzschild Radius, or more precisely Black Holes…

So basically intelligent children are enslaved and forced to work for the government, being raised for the purpose of developing weaponry. This is nice, and suitably grimdark. Presumably, once they're no longer useful, they're killed for knowing too much.

Also, the Lynx shouldn't be a threat to the Imperium. The Imperium should be a threat to the Lynx.

Mynameisalie wrote:The Silenced are a very mysterious Caste, and according to general Lynx society, they do not exist. They never have and never will. The members of this Caste are the “blanks” that have been through the severing process and have retained a strong enough will to survive the depression that follows. They are very rarely ever seen in military applications, and most certainly have never been allowed out in public, save for one member who is very well renowned…

So, there's a useless caste of freaks who don't do anything?

Why doesn't the government just kill 'em?

Mynameisalie wrote:The Lost are sometimes referred to as psychopaths. Ironically, it is an excellent description and better than the name of the Caste they are part of. The Lost are simply those who have been through too much to stay sane, been corrupted by daemons but only just holding on, or Ferals who are so savage it is futile to reason with them. This is the Caste where the outcasts of society still serve a purpose: to die in the name of Cleovara in glorious combat and redeem their souls. They are a sorry assortment of criminals, possessed and clinically insane, many of which never see their families again…

You're using the word ironically wrong. So, this is caste of people who the government has deemed 'insane', so they're forced to die for the government who enslaved them? Suitably grimdark.

Mynameisalie wrote:The Royal Caste speaks for itself. Though advanced for a young race, they still prefer the old ways of a dominant line of blood that looks after the populace. The Royal Caste varies from world to world, different families holding the same position. They hold great power over the populace of the planet they rule, and have the rights to trial, punish and condemn those who disobey their rule. Thus, some planets are very strict; even the slightest infraction can mean certain death, whilst others are far less tight-fisted and allow for much flexibility in their subjects. One family, the family of Uras’sola (lit. bright colours) has complete and direct control over every other ruling family. They have the power to instate an new ruling family if the current one is found lacking, but this is a rare occurrence. Even so, stories persist that many of the families that fall out of favour are condemned to the Caste of The Lost…

Yeah, this is good.

My brain is currently slush, so I'll have my thoughts up tomorrow.

Ok, let me once and for all, clarify what silvite is.
It's a leech battery. It sucks energy from it's surroundings and transfers this energy to a form of unstable energy that will decay over time in to more Silvite.
It stores a surprising amount of energy given it's size. Refer to the house/plasma reactor thing.
That is practically all it is. But it also provides the energy Cleovara needs to "protect" her race's minds. If you were hooked up to a helluva lot of batteries, it'd ubercharge you as well. Figuratively.
It don't really see any problems with the term: leech battery.

Also, I think no inter-caste marriage sounds just a bit too much like Tau. That's why I allowed it.
By the way, the Silenced are psychic blanks. Anti-psykers, if you will. They have to be kept away from their psyker counterparts (i.e. the rest of the Civil Lynx), but are used in military applications where anti-psychic power is needed. Mostly when daemons are involved.

So they're nulls. Silvete "decays over time in to more silvete"? And the IOM/ Eldar/ Tau/ Necrons have not found and used this energy because...? It's even Indigenous to the galaxy, as you said earlier, so there's no logical reason that I can see for other races not to have used it.

Very recent. It's very recent. That meteor shower? It A. Only hit the Halo Stars, so it's unlikely anyone else will have found it and B. there wasn't much of it. The Lynx are lucky to have found it in the first place.

No offense, but it really seems like you're pulling excuses out of a hat, rather than thinking things through legitimately. Why can the Lynx go where no one else can, (i.e. the Halo Stars)?

 liquidjoshi wrote:
No offense, but it really seems like you're pulling excuses out of a hat, rather than thinking things through legitimately. Why can the Lynx go where no one else can, (i.e. the Halo Stars)?

Also, wouldn't those resources be incredibly limited after awhile if was only a meteor shower.

Why? What's wrong with the Halo Stars?