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Very good indeed. Natural and descriptive but punchy in the right places. Your man is already well characterised and you did it without describing him; which is a style I love.

Good job and I hope to see more!

Coming from someone whose story I've just had a great time reading, I'll take that as big compliment. Hopefully I'll be able to get part 2 done today. Check your Progenia thread for my thoughts.

You're very welcome, mate.

I rewrote the shooting as well - there was no way I could believably come up with to have the main character shot through the back at point blank range and survive without a lot of recovery time, at least not without severely limiting some of the ideas I've got in mind...

Well done, your take on the Inquisitor was good. Hope to see more of your work

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A good continue of your story, your characters are evolving quite nicely. Well done

Nice, dude. You've got a knack for quick characterisation

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Now his was a proper amusing read after a long day! Also to be noted the first Psyker on Psyker action I have ever read here on Dakka! Well done and now with even more Inquisitorial goodness it seems.

Agreed! I particularly liked this line

"On the pavement a queue of shivering young people, not yet insulated against the night by alcohol, sported an array of impractical hairstyles and fashions that, more than anything, put me in mind of a gathering of retinues back at Ordo headquarters (especially the Radical contingent). "

You know, those last two posts were hard to write...sticking to the main character's voice is tougher than I expected.

We'll be visiting Ordo HQ soon, with all the John Blanche-inspired lunacy that entails. Stay tuned!

Redacted - I've just noticed a plot hole you could drive a Baneblade through...

I'll update properly tomorrow.

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Well done! I do find myself taking a liking to this new woman of yours! Well done

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Excellent story so far, I was enjoying the noire mystery investigation so when the plot was largely explained it was somewhat disappointing. Yet that aspect still serves as to show Rasmussen's reluctance to become involved in large scale events and how he's almost become "stuck" doing small-time investigations. It's almost like for him it's less about winning the race and more the run which concerns him, if you get my analogy.

Nonetheless I greatly anticipate the next instalment.

Dare I hope for traitor Astartes? And glorious bloodshed for lord Khonre?

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Very good!

I love the plot twist and it makes me think back to how Rana was described as influential and a difficult target to take down should her enemies amongst the Inquisition try it. Combine that with her visit to Tau space, her tracking his investigations and her personl army who just so happened to try and kill our unwitting protagonist.. It's all a perfect set up. Everything falls into place and yet perhaps you want us readers to draw conclusions like this... Only to surprise us further, being the devious chap you are.

Bravo sir, a highly enjoyable read!

It's a good read but you have a tendency of making your chars not move during their monologues, which can be simply solved.

I like how you spread the dialogue but I miss how the chars move during it if you get my POV. Of course as always you are free to dismiss my comment as always since you are the king of fluff within your own fluff and all I can do is to suggest.

Rewritten some of the last post to help some clumsy dialogue flow better.

I'm returning to work tomorrow (yay!) after a period of unemployment, so the adventures of Rasmussen might become more of a weekly thing. Gives me more time to think of ideas, though.

Beaviz: Regarding characters not doing much else when they talk, that's a side effect of when I do my writing. I tend to have my best ideas late at night, so though I get caught up in the flow of the dialogue I'm more likely to make mistakes. When I'm dropping in bits like "he scratched his nose," etc I tend to lose my flow a bit when I'm writing it, though it is a valid point and I can usually improve things when I take a look the next day.

 Darkvoidof40k wrote:
Very good!

I love the plot twist and it makes me think back to how Rana was described as influential and a difficult target to take down should her enemies amongst the Inquisition try it. Combine that with her visit to Tau space, her tracking his investigations and her personl army who just so happened to try and kill our unwitting protagonist.. It's all a perfect set up. Everything falls into place and yet perhaps you want us readers to draw conclusions like this... Only to surprise us further, being the devious chap you are.

Bravo sir, a highly enjoyable read!

You know, if I had any of these things planned (which I will neither confirm nor deny) I'm going t have to change them now.

 Fezman wrote:
Rewritten some of the last post to help some clumsy dialogue flow better.

I'm returning to work tomorrow (yay!) after a period of unemployment, so the adventures of Rasmussen might become more of a weekly thing. Gives me more time to think of ideas, though.

Beaviz: Regarding characters not doing much else when they talk, that's a side effect of when I do my writing. I tend to have my best ideas late at night, so though I get caught up in the flow of the dialogue I'm more likely to make mistakes. When I'm dropping in bits like "he scratched his nose," etc I tend to lose my flow a bit when I'm writing it, though it is a valid point and I can usually improve things when I take a look the next day.

 Darkvoidof40k wrote:
Very good!

I love the plot twist and it makes me think back to how Rana was described as influential and a difficult target to take down should her enemies amongst the Inquisition try it. Combine that with her visit to Tau space, her tracking his investigations and her personl army who just so happened to try and kill our unwitting protagonist.. It's all a perfect set up. Everything falls into place and yet perhaps you want us readers to draw conclusions like this... Only to surprise us further, being the devious chap you are.

Bravo sir, a highly enjoyable read!

You know, if I had any of these things planned (which I will neither confirm nor deny) I'm going t have to change them now.

Not necessarily my good man... it's like how we all know the story of the Horus Heresy yet everyone still buys the books because they're interested in what actually happened at character level, not just an overview.

And I was just summarising my thoughts of course... anything could happen.

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I liked it, its nice with these parts to bridge the gap so to speak between the more fast paced chapters of your tale.

I liked that instalment a lot. It was very succinct and well written; very relaxed and enjoyable to read without any over-description which would have ruined this otherwise truly excellent piece of descriptive splendour.

Master Kroll was a surprise, I was suddenly imagining a comically inept man and wondering how he attained that position yet you immediately rid me of such thoughts and actually established a low dread, perhaps border disgust at this outwardly unimpressive yet inwardly deadly and brutal. Made me think of how psykers must be viewed in the Imperium, except rather than simply acknowledging it, it was as if I experienced the briefest hint of what that loathing and dread of such estranged mutants which the Imperium's people rightly have at the thought of psykers.

I also enjoyed how the mundane travel through the warp and all those other things were lackluster and uninteresting to Rasmussen yet an ordinary person could spend months on that ship without running out of interesting things to see and do.

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I must say I am growing to dislike the tub of lard! Mya he die soon I pray. But beside that I liked it, well done