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Hi there, I'm an actor mainly, but I have tried my hand and playwriting a few times now, and really enjoyed it. I'd really like some feedback on my latest work. About gambling addictions.

Any questions, please don't hesitate to ask.

"All In"

Characters:
The King of Diamonds
Man (This character is a cameo, and can be played by stagehand or suchlike)
The Gambler
The Wife

Scene:

A single table is set on the stage. Two seats are sat at the table. The table is set up like a game of texas hold-em. In one seat, a shadowy character, dressed in black (King of Diamonds). He has most of the chips on his side of the table. He sets his cards down, taking the last few chips of the man sat in front of him, with nothing left, the man leaves, clearly upset. The shadowy figure resets the table, placing the chips back on the other side, and two cards for each player. Himself, and the empty seat opposite. At this point, The Gambler enters.

KoD: (Without looking up) Haven't seen you for a while.

The Gambler sits. KoD slowly places four cards, face down, at the center of the table. As each card is placed down a chorus says 'addict' increasing in volume each time. (Can be recording or live)

KoD: (Placing the last card) Addict.

The King looks up confidently, in control. The King and The Gambler make eye contact for the first time, G looks down, flustered. Without looking at his cards, The King casually throws two chips into the center. Looking at his cards, The Gambler hesitantly matches him. This happens a few times, until The Gambler folds. Both men stand, and as The Gambler walks off stage right, he is followed closely by the KoD. The Wife enters stage left, soon after The Gambler enters stage right

W: Honey, have you moved the money for the Fiji trip? It's not in the account.

G looks uncertain, the KoD (representing his addiction) stands close by. It is clear the wife can't see him.

KoD: Just one lie can't hurt, Tell her it's been moved to a different account.
G: (unsure of himself) Uhm, you probably moved it to a different account.
W: No, I don't think so, I checked those too
KoD: (Michevous) Perhaps she leant it to her mother?
G: (more certain now) We leant it to your mother, remember?
W: (absentmindedly) Ah yes, of course we did.

W exits stage left.

KoD: (Sitting) Lying to your wife? Tsk tsk

KoD indicates to the empty adjacent seat. A new hand is dealt, the same over confident manner from The King. The bets are getting larger this time.

KoD: I bet you're back at the races again too.

They continue to play until The Gambler once again folds. The Gambler stands and exits dejectedly SL while KoD re-arranges his chips.

W: (entering, angry) Don't toy with me anymore, I'm sick of the lies!
G: What are you on about?
W: (holds up betting slip) This! It's a betting slip you left in your jeans. You said you were clean!

The Gambler looks at The King of Diamonds, he's pleading.

KoD: I'm sure it's old.
G: I am clean! It's probably just old!
W: How stupid do you think I am?! It's got the bloody date on it!

The Wife storms off, furious.

KoD: (sarcasticly)Whoops.
G: No, feth this. I can't do this, I almost ruined my marriage once, I'm not stupid enough to risk it again.

G starts to walk off, determined.

KoD: How about one last game? I mean, we've gone through so much together, it seems a shame to part like this.
G: Alright. Just one game.
KoD: Of course.

They play once more. The King obviously lets G win. G leaves his phone on the table

KoD: See, a losing streak can't last forever. (standing) Perhaps with your winnings- no, never mind
G: (smiling) no, please tell me
KoD: If you wish. I was merely about to suggest that you could get your darling wife a little jewlery. To get back into her good books.
G: Great idea!

W enters, smiling, looking at the huge ruby ring on her finger.

Gambler: You like it then?
Wife: Like it? I love it! It's so beautiful!
G: As befits a beautiful woman. Now, shall we go out for dinner? I know a lovely little Italian place in the city.
W: Sounds perfect.
G: You deserve nothing less!
W: But how did you afford this? You did stop the gambling didn't you?
G: Yes. Yes of course. I got a- got a bonus from work.

They link arms and leave SR

SFX of phone ringing. KoD answers.

Kod: Hello? Yes, yes. Of course. By next Thursday? Definitely. Alrighty. Bye bye now.

Gambler enters, smiling. Notices his phone.

G: Ah, that's where I left it! - While I'm here, up for a quick game?
KoD: Always!

They play, after a few bets The KoD looks up.

The King: (matter of fact) Oh, by the way, The Water company just called, your payment is late. If you don't pay within the next week they'll cut you off.
Gambler: gak gak gak gak gak.
KoD: (smug) What seems to be the problem?
G: (desprate, angry that he's been tricked. He stands) All that money's sitting in the middle of this table! I can't afford to lose this. Not now. Ahh gak (sits)
KoD: Too late. (drops his cards on the table)

The king stands and slowly walks off stage left. After a few moments of despair, The Gambler walks off stage right.

~pause~

The Wife enters stage right, followed by The Gambler. They've been arguing.

G: Baby please-
W: Listen, I'm going to stay with my mother for a while.
G: You don't understand, I can change

During this argument, The King returns with a newspaper, he sits down and begins to read it with interest. Putting on a pair of reading glasses.

W: I don't want to hear it, I don't need more lies
G: I'll get help! Anything, anything to keep you!
W:Help? You've tried that before! But your addiction came back, and it's driven us apart.
KoD: Hey, don't blame me here lady
W: (cont) Look, it's only for a while. If you can sort out your problem I'll come back.
KoD: (Glancing up) Ha, no she won't.
G: (angry, directed at KoD) Shut up! Shut your fething mouth.
W: (Confused, angry) This isn't the man I married. I don't know what's happened to you. I don't think you've been you for a long time now.

Wife exits stage left

KoD (standing, genuine) I'm sorry
G: You should be! She's the best damn thing that's ever happened to me and now she's gone and it's all your fault!
KoD: (suprised) Oh. Not about that... (Holding up the newspaper) your horse lost.
G: You don't get it do you? I've lost everything!
KoD: Not everything. (indicates the remaining chips). Tell you what. One more game. (pushes all his chips in) All in.

The Gambler sits

KoD: If I win, you've lost it all, then the world will know how pathetic you are. But, if you win, I'll give it all back.

No movement from G

KoD: AND, I'll leave you alone. Forever.

The Gambler pushes his chips in.

The King of Diamonds picks up a chip, then flips it like a coin.

~snap to black~

Well, the biggest issue is length. This isn't so much a one-act play rather than one that will take maybe...3 minutes if you minimize the set changes. I know to you it feels like a lot of work, and it is, but it is still an extremely short piece. I believe that length will help this more than anything, as well as further detail in stage direction and costume design would go a long way to elevating this further.

It is well-written, though I find some parts of the dialogue to be lacking emotional weight.

As far as the story goes, I think the only thing it really suffers from is the length. The message and theme is kinda blunt forced onto the audience, and does not offer anything really unique or special. It kinda comes across as a very standard gambling addiction story arc that doesn't really deviate from any expectations. That's not an entirely bad thing, but it's not really giving me something I can't get elsewhere, ya know?

That said, it is a very nice first draft. Room for improvement, but a fine start.

Thank you for taking time to comment.

Length wise, it's meant to be short, because it's for a school assessment, and we're unable to go over 6 min.

However, I agree with the rest of your feedback. Hopefully, when we run through on Monday we can get a feel for lines that simply don't have the impact and develop the script further.

Thank you for your feedback, I'll make sure to let you know of any changes

As I've often done with others who come to OT with original works, may I suggest taking your work to WritingForums.org if you haven't already? You'd have to engage in review with the work of others first but if you want to develop your skills its a good place to start.

I myself have no talents with screen writing, but there was a fairly dedicated community of them at WritingForums.

LordofHats, thank you so much, I've been looking for a place like that. I've just gone and signed up.

I like it. It could be part of a play that is series of short pieces. I could just about envision a stage with parts lighted up that the piece happens on. Once it's done, another section lights up with a different piece, and so on.
Definitely keep up the good work.

Hi relapse. I'm glad you like it

The idea of a performance with multiple little plays is awesome. I really like the concept. Perhaps each 'section' could do 2 or 3 plays with the same characters.

Or you could have each piece written by a different playwright, and have it as a showcase night

See! Now you've gone and got me thinking :p

 prototype_X wrote:
Hi relapse. I'm glad you like it

The idea of a performance with multiple little plays is awesome. I really like the concept. Perhaps each 'section' could do 2 or 3 plays with the same characters.

Or you could have each piece written by a different playwright, and have it as a showcase night

See! Now you've gone and got me thinking :p

I get a percentage when you hit it big.


Automatically Appended Next Post:
Actually, you could make a stage to scale based off one you are familiar with and experiment with lighting and scenery to work out the kinks in the setup.
The lighting could even cycle through colors based on the mood being evoked.