An Irish Mother's Letter to Son

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**Shadow Captain Edithae**

Got sent this chain email from my Dad (who happens to be from Belfast) and it cracked me up. Try reading it in an Irish "Mrs Brown" style voice.

Dear Son,

Just a few lines to let you know I'm still alive. I'm writing this letter slowly because I know you can't read fast. We are all doing very well. You won't recognise the house when you get home - because we have moved. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home, so we moved 25 miles to Wexford.

I won't be able to send you the address because the last family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so that they wouldn't have to change their address. This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure it works so well though: last week I put a load in and pulled the chain and haven't seen them since.

Your father's got a really good job now. He's got 500 men under him. He's cutting the grass at the cemetery. Your sister Mary had a baby this morning but I haven't found out if it's a boy or a girl, so I don't know whether you are an auntie or an uncle. Your brother Tom is still in the army. He's only been there a short while and they've already made him a court martial!

Your Uncle Patrick drowned last week in a vat of whiskey in the Dublin Distillery. Some of his workmates tried to save him but he fought them off bravely. They cremated him and it took three days to put out the fire.

I'm sorry to say that your idiot cousin Seamus was arrested while riding his bicycle last week. They are charging him with dope peddling.

I went to the doctor on Thursday and your father went with me. The doctor put a small tube in my mouth and told me not to talk for ten minutes. Your father offered to buy it from him.

The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice this week, first for three days and then for four days Monday was so windy one of the chickens laid the same egg four times.

We had a letter from the undertaker. He said if the last payment on your grandmother's plot wasn't paid in seven days, up she comes.

About that coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Stanley said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.

John locked his keys in the car yesterday.. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out

Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pick-up truck. Ralph was driving. He wound down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in the flatbed at the back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down. There isn't much more news at this time.

Nothing much has happened.
Your loving Mum.

P.S. I was going to send you some money but I had already sealed the envelope.

**Paradigm**

That was bleeding hilarious. Great stuff.

**Palindrome**

Shadow Captain Edithae wrote:
(who happens to be from Belfast)

In other words ' I'm not racist but...'

**-Shrike-**

That's one of the best things I've read recently. Have an exalt!

**Da krimson barun**

I'm Irish and its not racist.
WORD OF PEOPLE HE,STALKING ABOUT STAMP=HERE.

**Relapse**

I just finished watching the movie "Grabbers", then I see this. I shall be laughing until next Sunday. Good stuff, OP.

**Shadow Captain Edithae**

Palindrome wrote:
Shadow Captain Edithae wrote:
(who happens to be from Belfast)

In other words ' I'm not racist but...'

My dad is very much northern Irish in character, and loves Irish humour whether its mocking the Irish, or the Irish mocking others. Nationalities are also not a fecking race, so please don't subvert the english language like that. Regardless, he didn't write this, I didn't write this, I just shared it because I found it funny.

If you're offended, thats too just too bad. I can't say I care.

Da krimson barun wrote:
I'm Irish and its not racist.
WORD OF PEOPLE HE,STALKING ABOUT STAMP=HERE.

Got any Irish jokes about us English to share?

**timetowaste85**

I'm a quarter Irish and I approve this letter.

if you're offended, you need thicker skin.

**purplefood**

It's about as offensive as the jokes that go 'An Englishman an Irishman and a Scotsman all walk into a bar'

**Shadow Captain Edithae**

My dad was born to an Irish mother and an English Reverand, and lived in Belfast till his mid 20's. I have a big extended family on my dad's Irish side, several of whom I've never met, or met just once.

My mom's side of the family are English, originally from the Nottingham area (my maternal grandad was a miner, and my maternal great grandad was an engineer who worked on Rolls Royce engines for British aircraft in WW2).

Automatically Appended Next Post:
We need to hear what the Irish think of us English when they make jokes. Don't hold back!

**timetowaste85**

I can help you there Shadow Captain. The English have the worst dental hygiene on the planet, smoke tea because they think it's a better version of marijuana and their porn has no middle ground between boring as hell and wicked kinky. Also the entire island looks like a sheep scrotum. Think that's all the ammo we need for our jokes.

Also, William Wallace was my ancestor, and the English murdered him. Suck it, England.

*cracks knuckles* My work here is done.

**Palindrome**

Shadow Captain Edithae wrote:
I just shared it because I found it funny.

I very much doubt that my wife would share you or your father's view and race includes ethnic groups so racism is very much the right word.

As per the rules of Dakka:

Posts that contain profanity, insults, blatant attempts at baiting a flame war (trolling), racial slurs, etc. will be locked, edited or deleted.

Automatically Appended Next Post:

timetowaste85 wrote:
if you're offended, you need thicker skin.

Or I simply have a very low tolerance for racism in all its forms. It's a terrible cliche but replace Irish with Black and just see how this thread would turn out.

**Compel**

timetowaste85 wrote:

Also, William Wallace was my ancestor, and the English murdered him. Suck it, England.

As a Scotsman, I always chuckle at hearing things like that. It always seems half of the North American continent claims ancestry. It's usually either Wallace, Bruce or just a generic 'my family owns a castle'. Truth is, they probably do... 700 years ago is a really, really long time ago. It's not that big of a deal.

**Azza007**

Loved it, work with quite a few Irish nurses and have sent this on to them. Chose good time to go on annual leave...

**master of ordinance**

Loved it, as did my class mates. Keep up the good work

**notprop**

timetowaste85 wrote:
I can help you there Shadow Captain. The English have the worst dental hygiene on the planet, smoke tea because they think it's a better version of marijuana and their porn has no middle ground between boring as hell and wicked kinky. Also the entire island looks like a sheep scrotum. Think that's all the ammo we need for our jokes.

Also, William Wallace was my ancestor, and the English murdered him. Suck it, England.

*cracks knuckles* My work here is done.

I thought this post was funnier that letter.

I don't think its intentionally funny just another daft yank showing why they're so popular across the globe - I mean why wouldn't you want to pretend your from another country (allot of them at once seemingly)?

Do your knuckles crack because they drag or because you look at so much boring/wicked porn?

Suck it indeed.

**timetowaste85**

@compel: He was actually either a cousin or an uncle. I forget the specifics. But the Wallace family name continued until my direct biological grandmother. They had the family tree tracing a line all the way back to WW on the wall in her old home, and the family did extensive digging to make sure the claim was accurate. Not blowing smoke.

@notprop: I'm glad you enjoyed it.

I must admit, the bad teeth thing was from family guy, and the smoking tea leaves was because I was bored. And as for your porn...eh, Germans do the bad stuff better.

I have a deep dark secret: Monty Python and the Holy Grail is just about my favorite movie of all time, and it's British.

spankers gotta grow up, y'all. It's a new thing-southern Brit punk. It's gonna catch on, just you watch.

Automatically Appended Next Post:
Really, Dakka censors "**nkers" into "spankers"? Dammit. Takes the fun out of what I said.

**Graphite**

Irish jokes are great. They prove that the rest of the world has a massive inferiority complex when they compare themselves against us.

**kronk**

"P.S. I was going to send you some money but I had already sealed the envelope."

I need to remember that line. fething hilarious!

Also, I've heard about 80% of the one liners as Aggie Jokes (Texas A&M). Most are older than frazzled.

**Dreadclaw69**

Hehehe

It's been a while since I read that, and I was actually just thinking about it the other day. Sometimes the old ones are the best

Palindrome wrote:
Or I simply have a very low tolerance for racism in all its forms. It's a terrible cliche but replace Irish with Black and just see how this thread would turn out.

Except that "Irish" is not a race. That's the thing about us Irish, we usually don't take ourselves too seriously and enjoy a good joke. There really isn't anything to get worked up about here.

**Shadow Captain Edithae**

Palindrome wrote:
I very much doubt that my wife would share you or your father's view and race includes ethnic groups so racism is very much the right word.

Or I simply have a very low tolerance for racism in all its forms. It's a terrible cliche but replace Irish with Black and just see how this thread would turn out.

I've added you to my ignore list. I have no time for hyper ventilating offence seekers, especially when they aren't even a member of the group in question. A few Irish members of Dakka Dakka have said they're not offended. I don't know why you're taking it upon yourself to be offended on their behalf.

Lets have more jokes about us English. I'm suprised no-ones made remarks about the Queen yet.

**LuciusAR**

This has been doing the rounds for years. I remember seeing it on a poster in a shop somewhere when I was a kid.

I'm glad that it's still going and is still funny all these years later.

**notprop**

Shadow Captain Edithae wrote:
.......Lets have more jokes about us English. I'm suprised no-ones made remarks about the Queen yet.

No one here jokes about the Queen, the last ones that did got a visit from the Zombie Queen Mother and her attendant Corgis.

They will rip your fethin' face off and wash it down with a Gin-fizz.

Not nice.

**Shadow Captain Edithae**

Man those Corgis are vicious. I'm glad we got a King Charles Cavalier Spaniel instead of a Corgi.

**notprop**

Zombie Queen Mum does the face ripping the Corgis are there to mix the drinks and herd her back into the Range Rover.

**Da Boss**

I'm not offended but I didn't find it that funny. I thought it might be making fun of Irish Mammies in particular rather than the thicko Irish stereotype.

Mostly I don't think we make jokes like that about the English because it comes off as though you have a chip on your shoulder. Or at least, that's how I find it, working with a lot of English people. Perhaps I DO have a chip, and am therefore self concious about it

**Alfndrate**

I've seen this same letter about people that live in the southern states as well.

**Senden**

Dreadclaw69 wrote:Except that "Irish" is not a race. That's the thing about us Irish, we usually don't take ourselves too seriously and enjoy a good joke. There really isn't anything to get worked up about here.

If the knackers get to be a race, the Irish get to be a race

Shadow Captain Edithae wrote:Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pick-up truck

We don't have any pick-up trucks on the roads in Ireland, only tractors, cattle and Polish drivers

**Dreadclaw69**

Senden wrote:
Dreadclaw69 wrote:Except that "Irish" is not a race. That's the thing about us Irish, we usually don't take ourselves too seriously and enjoy a good joke. There really isn't anything to get worked up about here.

If the knackers get to be a race, the Irish get to be a race

Yeah, but then we have to get worked up about it and start taking offense where none exists. That's not really like us at all

Senden wrote:
We don't have any pick-up trucks on the roads in Ireland, only tractors, cattle and Polish drivers

And sheep

**Smacks**

Palindrome wrote:
timetowaste85 wrote:
if you're offended, you need thicker skin.

Or I simply have a very low tolerance for racism in all its forms. It's a terrible cliche but replace Irish with Black and just see how this thread would turn out.

I agree with you, that it is a bit of double standard. I'm half Irish and I always seem to be hearing a load of Irish jokes, most of them from Irish people! I think someone even bought me a book of them once. I've spoken to a black friend about this, and he said it's largely about the intention behind it. Which I think is probably at the heart of the matter, though it's very difficult to objectively distinguish between friendly banter, and hateful bigotry.

I think it might also be that (non black) people are so much more worried about appearing racist when it comes to black people that they avoid the whole subject. I've seen people who are afraid to even say 'black' when describing someone who is black. It has become something of a taboo. No one ever seems to be quite as sensitive about Chinese people. And certainly no one gives a **** if you're white. I'm not even sure if it's possible to offend white people about their race? Unless they are also ginger, but even then no one will mind ruining your day.

To be honest I think there probably are a lot of black people jokes that are fair-game, and not racist. There are certainly much worse things than enjoying fried chicken and watermelon. But given the cultural context, no one ever wants to go there, just in case they get labeled a racist.

I didn't find this is especially funny, but not because I was offended by it. Mainly because half these jokes are older than me. I think I remember my grandparents watching Tommy Cooper or someone on friggin Betamax and he was telling these. The not speaking tube gave me a laugh though... I never get tired of jokes about women talking too much