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Greetings High Wizards of Dakkadakka, and welcome to the 2014 Annual Wizarding Summit. I am Alvin the Orderly of the Clan of the Green Sage and I've been elected Speaker of this event. Today we will be discussing issues of great magnitude in relation to the Wizarding world in the hopes that we might make our little community better for all.

Order, order I said! Dammit Octavius, stop with the lute. Bards aren't even true wizards, why are you even... whatever, let's get on with this.

First, some ground rules. No divining, shapeshifting, evoking, resurrecting, chanting, disintegrating, mollycoddling or flatulating during the meeting. And for the love of Boccob, Winslow, no summoning. It wasn't funny at the 1859 summit and it won't be funny now either.

Right. Well, since I'm the current Speaker I suppose I'll go first and list a few motions I'd like to see considered:

We need something in the Scroll of Law about wand (and staff!) control. Granted, I'm all for a mage's freedom for personal protection and extra-personal experimentation, but the next time I spontaneously poof into a cloud of sentient volcanic gas, I swear I'm placing an anti-magic field over all of Baltimore. I suggest more stringent academic requirements be applied to the purchase and manufacture of staves and wands. Scepters should be exempt given their limitations.

Funds should be allocated to the Brotherhood of Warders to put a seal on the elemental plane of dung. Seriously, who even goes there? Mountains of such material are available in farms across the countryside on this plane. The only time I've seen it accessed was last year when a freshman at the academy opened a portal in the girl's lavatory. The janitors had a hell of a time with those elementals.

I also posit that we lower the sales tax on ambrosia from 36% to 10% as standard for potion ingredients. Research has shown that high tax doesn't deter degenerates who are addicted to the stuff, and for us moderate ambrosia users the additional cost just an unnecessary inconvenience and revenues are inconsequential.

hey guys what's going on in here

 Ouze wrote:
hey guys what's going on in here

Sir/Madam/Smizmar, I must ask you leave if you are not an arcane caster of notable skill. Do you perhaps specialize in any of the Magickal Arts?

Not sure.

At this point, only ZultanQ knows.

 Alpharius wrote:
Not sure.

At this point, only ZultanQ knows.

(It's a joke thread where we pretend to be wizards at a summit meeting discussing serious business related to wizards, I thought this was obvious :\ )

 ZultanQ wrote:

 Alpharius wrote:
Not sure.

At this point, only ZultanQ knows.

(It's a joke thread where we pretend to be wizards at a summit meeting discussing serious business related to wizards, I thought this was obvious :\ )

It was not, especially given the forum that it's in. RPs and other similar things should go in the 'Survivor Games & Online RPGs' subofurm, not the 'Dakka Fiction' one.

It also helps if you give at least some OOC information on what the point of the thread actually is; nobody here is a mind-reader, and the way you reacted to Ouze's question really didn't help.

 Avatar 720 wrote:

 ZultanQ wrote:

 Alpharius wrote:
Not sure.

At this point, only ZultanQ knows.

(It's a joke thread where we pretend to be wizards at a summit meeting discussing serious business related to wizards, I thought this was obvious :\ )

It was not, especially given the forum that it's in. RPs and other similar things should go in the 'Survivor Games & Online RPGs' subofurm, not the 'Dakka Fiction' one.

It also helps if you give at least some OOC information on what the point of the thread actually is; nobody here is a mind-reader, and the way you reacted to Ouze's question really didn't help.

1) Oops, I thought this was in the off-topic forum, no idea how it ended up in Dakka Fiction. Would have been better in the RP forum though, yeah.

2) You don't have to be a mind reader, the whole point is just to make stuff up like I did. Seems weird that people are finding it hard to grasp.

I cast...SUMMON BIGGER FISH.*jazzhands*

Not a real wizard? Not a real wizard!?

Humph. Who died and made Alvin speaker anyways?

Oh, right.

Well, that idiot is entitled to whatever brain fart can manage to escape his absent mind, and look how absent it clearly must be. LOWERING the tax on ambrosia? Next we'll be giving away solvents and regias away for free! And guess who will benefit most from that, I wonder. What is worse, pandering to the mob or lining his own ermine pockets?

Yes, thank you Alvin. Just one question real quick, the thing about Baltmimore. There's no way we could make that real instead of just a joke, could we? Hey, no, shut up everybody.

Yeah, same to your mother! With all the pentacles!

So... So I was just thinking that we might want to consider something like this, at the docks at least. The war makes a great excuse for random explosions, but we all know that the more crowded the dockside gets, the more mistakes people are going to make. It's just common sense, people.

No... No! This is not -

Who dares question the integrity of Octavius Flautonius! Who!? So help me, I will get my lute and scry seven sacred ways to shove it straight up your- What? Oh, you'll pay for that Winslow!

 Ailaros wrote:
Not a real wizard? Not a real wizard!?

Humph. Who died and made Alvin speaker anyways?

Oh, right.

Well, that idiot is entitled to whatever brain fart can manage to escape his absent mind, and look how absent it clearly must be. LOWERING the tax on ambrosia? Next we'll be giving away solvents and regias away for free! And guess who will benefit most from that, I wonder. What is worse, pandering to the mob or lining his own ermine pockets?

Yes, thank you Alvin. Just one question real quick, the thing about Baltmimore. There's no way we could make that real instead of just a joke, could we? Hey, no, shut up everybody.

Yeah, same to your mother! With all the pentacles!

So... So I was just thinking that we might want to consider something like this, at the docks at least. The war makes a great excuse for random explosions, but we all know that the more crowded the dockside gets, the more mistakes people are going to make. It's just common sense, people.

No... No! This is not -

Who dares question the integrity of Octavius Flautonius! Who!? So help me, I will get my lute and scry seven sacred ways to shove it straight up your- What? Oh, you'll pay for that Winslow!

Point taken Octavius, but eh... have you gotten around to addressing that magic harp shortage we talked about? No rush. The Fortress of the Green Sage is getting a tad somber what with all the silence stuffing up the place. Just saying.

Regarding the implication that reducing ambrosia tax is somehow "pandering" or to line my own pockets, well that's absolute balderdash, a farce and a fool's chicanery. As a centuries-long servant on this council I take great offense to this slight and I advise you to check your musical privilege. A reduction in ambrosia tax would benefit us all and one might come to suspect that you are addicted to the stuff and just trying to cast (no pun intended) off suspicion.

It smells like somebody is burning something in here. Is that sulphur? Winslow...

Staff control? WAND CONTROL?! This an outrage! How dare you even suggest such a thing! The unchecked sale of wands and staffs has some... side effects, of course, but so does teleportation and the use medicinal potions. You don't hear an outcry whenever a child ends up with pigs feet after taking a poorly brewed foot fungus tonic, hmm? Why should we put such scrutiny on our tools of wizardry?

Self-defense is something all wizards should have easy access to. Why, just the other day I used my staff to fend off a carnivorous mob of European Bald Pixies that had spilled into my laboratory through a malfunctioning rune stone. Had I not my tools I would have been pixie feces by now.

Nay. I, the Great Jastori Pisk, instead propose that we teach children on the proper use and safety precautions on wands and staffs. It may be more expensive in the long run but didn't a fat, balding man not once say that he who trades a little liberty for safety deserves to be eaten by European Bald Pixies?

 TheCustomLime wrote:
Staff control? WAND CONTROL?! This an outrage! How dare you even suggest such a thing! The unchecked sale of wands and staffs has some... side effects, of course, but so does teleportation and the use medicinal potions. You don't hear an outcry whenever a child ends up with pigs feet after taking a poorly brewed foot fungus tonic, hmm? Why should we put such scrutiny on our tools of wizardry?

Self-defense is something all wizards should have easy access to. Why, just the other day I used my staff to fend off a carnivorous mob of European Bald Pixies that had spilled into my laboratory through a malfunctioning rune stone. Had I not my tools I would have been pixie feces by now.

Nay. I, the Great Jastori Pisk, instead propose that we teach children on the proper use and safety precautions on wands and staffs. It may be more expensive in the long run but didn't a fat, balding man not once say that he who trades a little liberty for safety deserves to be eaten by European Bald Pixies?

Did you ever stop to think that maybe if you weren't growing vulcanized lobster trees without a license, maybe you wouldn't have attracted European Bald Pixies to that rat's nest you call a fortress in the first place? That's right, I said it! Take some responsibility! If everybody runs around with a wand in his robe, we could have another atrocity on our hands like the 2012 football stadium fireballing in Houston. Think of the children!

And it's these very children that you propose to have whisked away to some "wand safety class" no doubt at the mercy of some crazed staff nut. It's preposterous to think that anyone under the age of twenty-nine could even begin to understand the intricacies of wand handling. What happens when young Armand tries to hurl a lightning bolt at a practice dummy and ends up summoning the Phantom King from the Sixth Circle of Insanity? Who are you going to call then? The Ghost Busters? I think not!

Gentleman and otherwise, tonight I implore you to consider the ramifications of the unchecked magic use offered by wands and staves, and I ask that you vote with your tempered minds, not your demon-sold hearts. This will shape the safety of wizards and the unwashed masses for generations to come.

Ok, can everybody just chill the feth out for a moment? Thanks. Ahem.
Taps staff dramatically.
I am Bl'Ind the Seer, of the college temple of Notaname. I would like to - Hey! Down in front! Yeah you, the one with the green hat and the fuzzy unicorn. Can it! Right.
I would like to bring to the council's attention the single most important matter this council ever has and will address.

Where are all the women?

Not a single Sorceress, Witch, Magesta or otherwise has seen fit to attend for years! How can we discuss wands and staves, the flow of narcotics or otherwise when we are faced with such a serious crisis? Without a significant base of female support, the Council of Equality will shut us down for good, and we cannot, simply cannot afford another incident like that of the summit of 1969 after all.

Also, I was asked by the ground staff, the owner of the 1974 Black Sweepwell Broom? You're being towed.

 liquidjoshi wrote:
Ok, can everybody just chill the feth out for a moment? Thanks. Ahem.
Taps staff dramatically.
I am Bl'Ind the Seer, of the college temple of Notaname. I would like to - Hey! Down in front! Yeah you, the one with the green hat and the fuzzy unicorn. Can it! Right.
I would like to bring to the council's attention the single most important matter this council ever has and will address.

Where are all the women?

Not a single Sorceress, Witch, Magesta or otherwise has seen fit to attend for years! How can we discuss wands and staves, the flow of narcotics or otherwise when we are faced with such a serious crisis? Without a significant base of female support, the Council of Equality will shut us down for good, and we cannot, simply cannot afford another incident like that of the summit of 1969 after all.

Also, I was asked by the ground staff, the owner of the 1974 Black Sweepwell Broom? You're being towed.

Aw geez I told them I was parking there to unload the confetti, confound it. Speaking of that, can we do something about these belligerent broom towing companies? It's getting ridiculous.

And the Council of Equality can shove it. I transformed myself into a woman once and it was terrible, there are probably wizards in this room who used to be women until they realized that peeing standing up is just so much more efficient, especially when the cauldron mix calls for a personal touch. We're not called SittingDownToTakeAWizards for a reason. I do admit the improvement to my sense of smell was nice however.

Bl'lnd, pray tell, what are your qualifications for bringing that staff here anyway? Hmmmmmm?

Why don't you clear out your encrusted, puss filled ears Alvin and listen to what I have to say. Staffs and Wands have been used freely by the rewarding community ever since that great Wizard hunt of 1535! We needed them then to defeat the legions of Spanish Masked Hunter Cats and we need them now to deal with the ever growing threat of Warlocks taking over the mortal realm. Do you want to have to be a warlock, Alvin? Do you want have to wear black and magenta robes while sacrificing bearded bed bugs to their headless goat gods to empower your spells? I don't! And the rest of you shouldn't either!

If we can't educate kids then we should make their inattentive, computer addicted parents enchant their Staffs and Wands so that when kids grab them they are filled with an urge to go back to playing Jacks or go buy to the drug store for candy or whatever it is that human spawn do these days. Even if one or two or 10 of these monsters are irreversibly turned into Cockroaches it's worth it to save the lives of the majority.

As for my collection of Vulcanized Lobster Trees that is my business and my business alone. Where else am I to get fresh Lobster Tree root for my finger nail enlargement salves? I can't just go down to the Wizarding Market and buy some. Their ingredients is as fresh as your breath, Alvin.

Yes, the restriction on wands and staffs is, frankly, preposterous. What would you have us do against the great Wererabbits of Bungler's Hollow? Sing them to sleep? I'm a bass, dammit. A bass! How do you expect me to defend myself without a staff? Besides, it aids our main problem. Chicks dig staffs. And, I'll have you know that my credentials were passed by the most proven academies of Nunya. That's Nunya business.

 TheCustomLime wrote:
Why don't you clear out your encrusted, puss filled ears Alvin and listen to what I have to say. Staffs and Wands have been used freely by the rewarding community ever since that great Wizard hunt of 1535! We needed them then to defeat the legions of Spanish Masked Hunter Cats and we need them now to deal with the ever growing threat of Warlocks taking over the mortal realm. Do you want to have to be a warlock, Alvin? Do you want have to wear black and magenta robes while sacrificing bearded bed bugs to their headless goat gods to empower your spells? I don't! And the rest of you shouldn't either!

If we can't educate kids then we should make their inattentive, computer addicted parents enchant their Staffs and Wands so that when kids grab them they are filled with an urge to go back to playing Jacks or go buy to the drug store for candy or whatever it is that human spawn do these days. Even if one or two or 10 of these monsters are irreversibly turned into Cockroaches it's worth it to save the lives of the majority.

Alright, I concede that I might have been a bit hasty about this whole wand business, maybe we could ban them, you know, just a little bit?

 TheCustomLime wrote:

As for my collection of Vulcanized Lobster Trees that is my business and my business alone. Where else am I to get fresh Lobster Tree root for my finger nail enlargement salves? I can't just go down to the Wizarding Market and buy some. Their ingredients is as fresh as your breath, Alvin.

Well then you should be fine with their ingredients, because I cast Aura of Onion on the air in my mouth every morning. A spell that I published, I'll have you know. People love onions, they're extremely popular on pizzas and salads and icecreams.

 liquidjoshi wrote:
Yes, the restriction on wands and staffs is, frankly, preposterous. What would you have us do against the great Wererabbits of Bungler's Hollow? Sing them to sleep? I'm a bass, dammit. A bass! How do you expect me to defend myself without a staff? Besides, it aids our main problem. Chicks dig staffs. And, I'll have you know that my credentials were passed by the most proven academies of Nunya. That's Nunya business.

Those aren't Wererabbits, they're Werehumans you loon. They simply turn into humans when there's no full moon, everybody knows this.

I'm a bass myself but I find that the Werehumans of Bungler's Hollow tend to enjoy my rendition of Lady Gaga's "Bad Romance". They seem tend to run after me much quicker than normal and bite harder in their excitement, I'm the life of the party in those parts.

Yes, but you are forgetting the prime drive towards the employment of staffs: chicks dig staffs. I move that we lift all restrictions the former council set up in such a stingy manner.

And I know a wererabbit when I see one. Those little fethers bouncing around, stealing my lucky charms. It is not a case of option; I need my staff. Or would you like to foot the bill for my cereal - well, theirs now I would wager!

 liquidjoshi wrote:
Yes, but you are forgetting the prime drive towards the employment of staffs: chicks dig staffs. I move that we lift all restrictions the former council set up in such a stingy manner.

And I know a wererabbit when I see one. Those little fethers bouncing around, stealing my lucky charms. It is not a case of option; I need my staff. Or would you like to foot the bill for my cereal - well, theirs now I would wager!

Perhaps you should switch to Trix, rabbits hate Trix.