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I went into B&Q* the other day. Employee asked if I wanted decking. I got the first punch in, so the joke was on him.


Automatically Appended Next Post:
I went to the local video shop and asked ‘can I have Batman Forever’ and the kid said ‘Nah, you’ve got to bring it back tomorrow’

*substitute for your local recognisable hardware/DIY store.

Why did Mozart kill all his chickens?

When he asked them to name the world’s best composer, they all said, “Bach bach bach!”

@Lathe - that is glorious

 Flinty wrote:
@Lathe - that is glorious

Thank you. Occasionally I tell a good joke... but not today!

A couple has gone to bed for the night when there’s a knock on the door. The husband rolls over in bed and looks at the alarm clock; it’s 3:00 in the morning. Grumbling, he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door to find a man standing outside.

“Hey, pal,” says the stranger, “can you give me a push?”

“Forget you,” says the husband, “It’s 3 a.m.” And he shuts the door and goes back upstairs, climbs in bed and tells his wife what happened.

“You’re so selfish,” she says. “Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain and you had to knock on that man’s door for a jump? What would have happened if he’d been like you?”

So he gets out of bed again and goes back downstairs, opens the door and, not being able to see the stranger, he shouts, “Hey, pal, you still want a push?”

A voice calls back, “Yes, please.”

Still unable to see the stranger he shouts, “Where are you?”

The man replies, “I’m over here, on the swings.”

Okay, that one actually made me smile.

 BorderCountess wrote:
Okay, that one actually made me smile.

Not sure where to put this, as it’s not really a joke, but the United Kingdom’s Defense Attaché to the desert country of the United Arab Emirates, is named Sandy Sandilands. Amazingly funny.

My wife and I promised ourselves we'd never go to bed angry at each other.

And look at us, up since Friday!

You can succeed in anything you set your mind to.


The only things holding you back are your appearance, personality, and general lack of talent.