Perhaps the funniest complaint letter ever written

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**Excommunicate Traitoris**

http://uk.news.yahoo.com/blog/editors_corner/article/11975/

I don't know if any of you have seen this before but it made me laugh...a lot so I thought I'd share.

**chaplaingrabthar**

That's how the Brits say "What's the deal with airline food?" in style.

**gorgon**

Wow...that is one undecipherable meal.

Everyone likes to bash the French, but the meals I've had on Air France have been pretty good considering it's airline food.

Of course, I'm an American used to American airline food. *shudder*

**Phoenix**

That was great. I love it when people complain in a proper mocking fashion.

**Chrysaor686**

That food looks worse than what you're served in a prison.

And I didn't even think that was possible.

**JohnHwangDD**

WTH? I thought Brits *liked* Indian food.

**sebster**

JohnHwangDD wrote:WTH? I thought Brits *liked* Indian food.

Umm, the point is that was bad Indian food. Really bad Indian food.

**JohnHwangDD**

Thanks, Sebster...

**Roze**

that is brilliant! id have been rageing so much i wouldn't have thought to take pictures.

**reds8n**

JohnHwangDD wrote:WTH? I thought Brits *liked* Indian food.

Food yes. Chemical by product of the production of, no.

Except maybe late on a Friday/Saturday night after a few jars.

**warpcrafter**

I was once served a burrito with peas in it. It is the only time I walked out of a restaurant without paying. If I had been served that, I would have been a lot less diplomatic.

**Elnicko5**

That was the funniest thing I have read in a long time. I actually had to stop reading it to catch my breath half way through.

**Ultrafool**

Very funny

**legoburner**

I actually avoid long haul virgin flights specifically because the food is so awful. Surprisingly BA seem to have some of the best food out of UK carriers, but flying international carriers is almost always better. Cathay pacific ftw!

**tomlowbridge**

I haven't laughed that hard in ages, thx for that.

**Apone**

My eyes are watering I laughed so hard. Thanks for the link. Hilarious.

**OverbossGhurzubMoga**

Chrysaor686 wrote:That food looks worse than what you're served in a prison.

And I didn't even think that was possible.

I went to Riverside Military Academy and the food company that supplies them supply prisons as well. And that was some the best school food I have ever tasted.

**Anung Un Rama**

This is my favourite part:

I'll try and explain how this felt. Imagine being a twelve year old boy Richard. Now imagine it's Christmas morning and you're sat their with your final present to open. It's a big one, and you know what it is. It's that Goodmans stereo you picked out the catalogue and wrote to Santa about.

Only you open the present and it's not in there. It's your hamster Richard. It's your hamster in the box and it's not breathing. That's how I felt when I peeled back the foil and saw this:

**grizgrin**

NO ONE gives a verbal feth off like the Brits. They are the undisputed Masters.

**Nofasse 'Eadhunta**

Those sponge shafts are the fifth god of Chaos given physical form.

**dienekes96**

Not even close to the best, though. Not bad, but not enough true anger.

Let us see how it can be done:

Dear Cretins,

I have been an NTL customer since 9th July 2001, when I signed up for your 3-in-one deal for cable TV, cable modem, and telephone. During this three-month period I have encountered inadequacy of service which I had not previously considered possible, as well as ignorance and stupidity of monolithic proportions. Please allow me to provide specific details, so that you can either pursue your professional perogative, and seek to rectify these difficulties - or more likely (I suspect) so that you can have some entertaining reading material as you while away the working day smoking B&H and drinking vendor-coffee on the bog in your office:

My initial installation was cancelled without warning, resulting in my spending an entire Saturday sitting on my fat arse waiting for your technician to arrive. When he did not arrive, I spent a further 57 minutes listening to your infuriating hold music, and the even more annoying Scottish robot woman telling me to look at your helpful website....HOW?

I alleviated the boredom by playing with my testicles for a few minutes - an activity at which you are no-doubt both familiar and highly adept. The rescheduled installation then took place some two weeks later, although the technician did forget to bring a number of vital tools - such as a drill-bit, and his cerebrum. Two weeks later, my cable modem had still not arrived. After 15 telephone calls over 4 weeks my modem arrived... six weeks after I had requested it, and begun to pay for it.

I estimate your internet server's downtime is roughly 35%... hours between about 6pm -midnight, Mon-Fri, and most of the weekend. I am still waiting for my telephone connection. I have made 9 calls on my mobile to your no-help line, and have been unhelpfully transferred to a variety of disinterested individuals, who are it seems also highly skilled bollock jugglers.

I have been informed that a telephone line is available (and someone will call me back); that no telephone line is available (and someone will call me back); that I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not a telephone line is available (and then been cut off); that I will be transferred to someone (and then been redirected to an answer machine informing me that your office is closed); that I will be transferred to someone and then been redirected to the irritating Scottish robot woman...and several other variations on this theme. Doubtless you are no longer reading this letter, as you have at least a thousand other dissatisfied customers to ignore, and also another one of those crucially important testicle-moments to attend to. Frankly I don't care, it's far more satisfying as a customer to voice my frustration's in print than to shout them at your unending hold music. Forgive me, therefore, if I continue.

I thought BT were ****, that they had attained the holy piss-pot of godawful customer relations, that no-one, anywhere, ever, could be more disinterested, less helpful or more obstructive to delivering service to their customers. That's why I chose NTL, and because, well, there isn't anyone else is there? How surprised I therefore was, when I discovered to my considerable dissatisfaction and disappointment what a useless shower of bastards you truly are. You are sputum-filled pieces of distended rectum incompetents of the highest order.

British Telecom - spankers though they are - shine like brilliant beacons of success, in the filthy puss-filled mire of your seemingly limitless inadequacy. Suffice to say that I have now given up on my futile and foolhardy quest to receive any kind of service from you. I suggest that you cease any potential future attempts to extort payment from me for the services which you have so pointedly and catastrophically failed to deliver - any such activity will be greeted initially with hilarity and disbelief quickly be replaced by derision, and even perhaps bemused rage. I enclose two small deposits, selected with great care from my cats litter tray, as an expression of my utter and complete contempt for both you and your pointless company. I sincerely hope that they have not become desiccated during transit - they were satisfyingly moist at the time of posting, and I would feel considerable disappointment if you did not experience both their rich aroma and delicate texture. Consider them the very embodiment of my feelings towards NTL, and its worthless employees.

Have a nice day - may it be the last in you miserable short life, you irritatingly incompetent and infuriatingly unhelpful bunch of gakkers.
John

**JohnHwangDD**

Heh, British cable sux, too.