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Good evening goulies and gentle-grots and welcome to the fourth and final heat of our Tonk-tastic tournament. It’s a beautiful moonlit night here at Death’s Door Stadium and the crowd have been dying to see these two terrifying Tonks battle it out for that semi-final slot.
Tonight is thriller night folks so if you’re brave enough to come out from hiding behind the sofa let’s meet the contenders.
Possessed of a malicious spirit with an abundance of flaming skulls and brought to you by Team Tzurk, it’s the Great Pumpkin. And, bred for battle and hungry for all that juicy pumpkin biomas, brought to you by Team Rabid Ferret, it’s The Gribbly Horror.
Officiating tonight from the vantage point of his high tower is Vampfred Von Reaper. Vampfred, what has the arena got in store for us tonight?
“Tonight, Motty, ve hev some goot surprises for ze contestants. Ze grave yard in the centre of ze arena, is a… an interesting place.
If ze Tonk disturb ze unquiet dead maybe something interesting happens…”
“Ok, Vampf. Stay off the graves to avoid…”
“But zat’s not all!”
“No?”
“Each team iz given four wandering booby traps. If a trap of ze opposing team makes contact you looze ze hull point.”
A real horror show out there by the sounds of it Vampfred. Now while the Tonks head out to the field it’s time to meet our sponsors.
Greetings biomass. The great devourer descends upon you to feast. But first, because terror tastes sweeter, we here at Hive Rabid Ferret have prepared for you all a feast for the eyes.
Behold the sleek and deadly bio/forms that lurk beneath your beds.
The face of hideous terror that awaits you in your nightmares.
And also what awaits you in the doggy park at playtime. Mmm dog food.
Hello frens, is me, Commander Boris Tzurkovich of Emperor's Finest Valhallan 134th.
I am here to say, all TONK is good TONK, but our TONK is best TONK.
If you like TONK, maybe you also like walking TONK, and over at the tzurkshop we have plenty those. See?
Also have shiny headache box galore if this is what you like.
And also we have Ashlander elf - and get this guy, he say to me, "under sun and sky, Mr Tzurkovich, I greet you warmly," but you know what? Is still cold!
And two hundred guardsmen of all regiments. And, and and and... ha! Stop talking now Boris, and more TONKing.
All of this is to say, good luck, and may best TONK win!
Fantastic stuff. I’m getting the green light here, the Tonks are in position, the zombies and spore-mines have been released. Let’s get this Tonk battle underway.
Both teams quick off the starting block and heading for a clash in the centre of the arena but it’s the Gribbler that has taken the initiative in these opening rounds.
Shots flying at range on both sides but neither team finding their mark with miss after miss as they both close the distance. No points on the board yet but the crowd here are on their feet.
Closer now and the dance of death has begun in earnest with the Gribbler manoeuvring to the side for what must be an easy shot. But No! Somehow the gobbet of pumpkin-melting acid goes wide of the mark! And the Tyranid Tonk reverses into the gap presenting only a strong frontal face to the enemy.
Team Tzurk not deterred are coming on with the attack delivering a decisive blow, a flaming skull hurled right in face of the Bio-Tonk for the first score on the board. The Gribbler appears to be vomiting pieces of ghostly skull here but the hive mind has cracked the synapse whip and the turret unleashing another close-range blast evens up the score.
And it looks like the Pumpkin is having some trouble turning to the left now. Sustaining damage like that this early in the matchup could prove decisive. But definitely not beaten yet, team Tzurk turn right and power forward with an aggressive ram, a vine whip that a Bulbasaur would be proud of.
Reversing out of contact again, the Tyranid bio-machine perhaps distracted, keeping an eye out for the wandering zombie just behind lets another shot from the turret mounted venom cannon go wide. But the return fire from the Pumpkin finds its mark claiming another point and extending the lead to 3 points to 1.
But Team Rabbid is still hungry for victory. Jaws wide they advance once again on the attack but all they get is a mouthful of flaming skull and another Miss from the big hose up top! It’s now 4-1 to Team Tzurk.
Motty the Goblin here with Match Official Vampfred Von Reaper as the Tonks below us at the base of the tower are clashing like sumo-the Great Pumpkin, still only able to turn to the right, has managed to bully into a side facing position, taking damage in the process! What do you make of it all Vampfred?
Ze Nid machine iz forced to make a difficult decision. Should it advance forward and present a rear target to ze enemy, reverse into closer proximity to ze zombie behind, or make a break for it zrough ze graveyard risking the wrath of ze unquiet dead?
It looks like we have our answer here folks and the Gribbler backs into the graveyard keeping a front face to the enemy but risking the very hand of death himself. This is about to get interesting.
[a 7 is rolled on the something Interesting happens chart- this is the only positive result on the table and the effect of this is to remove two hull damage points and give the player an instant free move.]
And it looks like the unquiet dead were more than happy to get in on the action and they’ve helped Team Rabid a good deal and given the Tyranid Tonk a boost coming out of the graveyard in better shape then they went in. Can you give us a score update Vamp, I’m struggling to follow this one.
I make it 2-2. Ze match is at a draw.
Right, now they’ve put a little distance between themselves and the Great Pumpkin appears to be spinning on the spot, turning to the right and heading in the opposite direction, as the Gribbler moves to skirt back around the graveyard.
Perhaps I see what’s happening here. Team Tzurk, still hampered with that limited mobility are taking refuge among the concentration of zombies that have gathered down in the lower quarter of the arena. Team Rabid will have a difficult approach whichever direction they attack from.
And here they come now emerging from around the side of the building with a long range shot, which again goes wide of the mark. You have to be seriously questioning the targeting systems of this Tonk at this stage.
And throwing caution to the wind, the undead veg rolls in on the attack but the Nid machine has gotten a taste for poltergeist pumpkin by now and takes another slice of pumpkin pie taking the lead for the first time in this match up. It’s 3-2 to Team Rabid!
But not to be outdone and with zombies closing in on the action the big Ghost takes aim with another flaming skull! It’s a skull-cracking shot to even the score once again. But what’s this?
[another roll of a 7 on the Something Interesting Happens chart for the Nid tonk] The Gribbler seems to have adapted its biome and is absorbing the shot, or maybe that slice of pumpkin pie was all the biomass it required to regenerate 2 hull points! Tell me the score Vampfred!
Ze score is 3-1 to Ze Team Rabid Ferret. Now get out of my booth Motty you’re prattling iz making ze head hurt.
Incredible action here folks as the Gribbly Horror absorbs all punishment and continues to circle the damaged Undead machine. But the Pumpkin now has seized the initiative and is powering forward once again playing 4D chess with the wandering zombies and trying to keep the action inside their range.
Undeterred and still in the lead the Gribbler advances for an easy close range shot to the exposed side of the… no I spoke too soon, the venom cannon is clearly cursed.
And what’s this! A wandering zombie from behind!
A clear impact on the rear of the Tyranid bio-Tonk as the pumpkin looks on with a grin.
But he laughed too soon, Folks! A wandering spore mine has been blowing down the field and falls against the Pumpkin right on cue. It’s now 4-2 to Team Rabid.
Back in the heart of the action now I’m on the ground for what must be the final throes of this epic battle. It’s been a pendulum of points swinging heavily in favour of one and then the other as these Tonks battle not only eachother but also the deadly environment of Death’s Door Stadium.
It looks like a gathering of supporters are on the field here trying to encourage one of our veteran Zombies to get into the action.
Both teams shaking off the impact of wandering hazards it’s Team Tzurk that’s first off the mark hammering the Tyranid hard with a double helping of flaming skull! And it looks like a devastating impact!
What is that smell? With bio-acid pouring onto the arena floor here the Gribbler looks to be in serious trouble and unable to move away from the encroaching zombies or indeed the enemy Tonk. Though the score is currently a drawn at 4 a-piece it’s not looking good for the great devourer.
A pitch invasion is well underway now with both Nids and the undead drawn into the spectacle, a phalanx of skeletons has formed on my flank here and the veteran Zombie appears to have seen enough; deaf to the cries of his fellow veterans he looks to be leaving this mortal realm.
No! Not that way! Don’t follow the light!
The pumpkin is on the move again but the Tyranid turret is still tracking and to the surprise of absolutely nobody the venom cannon has missed once again.
In position now to the rear of the Bio-tonk and under more threat from a wandering spore mine than the venom-cannon turret it has to be said, the Great Pumpkin delivers another flaming skull bomb bang on target.
A sniper Zombie shambles in at the last moment trying to steal the glory but finding only pre-chewed synapse-node where Braaaiiins should be it stops short scratching its flakey head. Unable to move out of the way the Tyranid Tonk responds in the only way it can with another gobsmackingly inaccurate shot at the Great Pumpkin. The zombie didn’t even duck.
Discretion being the better part of valour, Team Tzurk backs away from the potentially dangerous spore mine before laying the final punishment on the stricken Nid in flaming skull style.
Match Official Vampfred Von Reaper is on hand to count off the 6th and final Hull Point declaring it a conclusive 6-4 victory to Team Tzurk!
The rest of the Tyranid hive is gathering round now ready to reabsorb the biomass of their fallen hero but the shambling zombie has gotten their first.
Adding insult to injury he piles on for one last gratuitous assault causing the whole thing to go off with a tremendous boom. An altogether more satisfying conclusion to this epic battle.
So there you have it. Team Tzurk progresses to the semi finals where their Great Pumpkin will go head to head with Team Syro_’s Tekno-Rex.
I’m here with the winning Tonk now as the celebrations begin, sure to be a party fit to wake the dead.
Can you tell me what this victory means to you?
Vengeance, against all living flesh!
Um… ok. And have you given much thought to the upcoming battle with the Tekno-Rex?
Its bones will adorn the throne room of my Lych Temple.
Do you mean the metal ones like in the Terminator or the bone ones like in the Natural History Museum?
Whichever are more evocative of the eternal ennui of un-death in pursuit of untold knowledge and the unnatural extension of my existence. And also those that do not diminish the grandeur of the grisly trophies already there assembled, and that don’t clash with the drapes. We shall see.
We shall see indeed! Join us again when we return for the first of our Semi-Final bouts. Team Meer_Cat Vs Team Olthannon. The Airship and the Organ Tonk. Sure to be a spectacle not to be missed.
This message was edited 1 time. Last update was at 2024/01/22 01:36:38
Congratulations to Team tzurk, and thanks to theCrowe for another fun battle report. Quite a few turn-arounds, and I feel sorry for the cursed rolls of the gribbler. I also enjoyed seeing some of the spooks from Hedgie's Heroes. Here's hoping that Tekno-Rex will succeed where the gribbler couldn't.
Cursed rolls is right! I think my gun hit the target just one time in the whole game! And almost every ram on both sides caused self Damage! Crazy long game too, had to play in two sessions.
Now that was a great battle! Those must be homing skulls and that biocannon was surely cursed by the Liche king?!? An annual dakka-tonk-tourney sounds amazing!
Goberts Gubbins - P&M Blog, started with Oldhammer, often Blackstone Fortress and Void Panther Marines, with side projects along the way
Another fantastic game! It took me a little while to catch up on my sportscaster but this one was fantastic. Love the various on field traps and I feel for the poor symbiote who couldn't land a shot with that cannon!
Captain Brown wrote:Great post the Crowe for the Tonk-tastic tournament...all I can say is Exalted.
Cheers,
CB
Cheers Cap. Always an honour to be considered exalt-worthy.
gobert wrote:Now that was a great battle! Those must be homing skulls and that biocannon was surely cursed by the Liche king?!? An annual dakka-tonk-tourney sounds amazing!
I’ve been reluctant to commit to an Annual tournament but more and more it’s beginning to sound like a possibility. Maybe not just Tonks. Maybe something else next time. We’ll see.
tzurk wrote:Great bat rep theCrowe. What a roller coaster (roll MORE 7s)!
Glad the good guys won in the end though
Vine whip worthy of bulbasaur...lol. Go tzurk pumpkin tonk - the TZONKIN
I wanna be the very best, like no Tonk ever was! To shoot them is my real test, to smash them is my cause. Tonkémon!
Olthannon wrote:Another fantastic game! It took me a little while to catch up on my sportscaster but this one was fantastic. Love the various on field traps and I feel for the poor symbiote who couldn't land a shot with that cannon!
Yes these games are getting more and more complex but as long as it enhances the action I’m just going for it. I do have a very enthusiastic production assistant so it’s sometime a balancing act between what will enhance and what will explode the game.
In other very exciting news, we played the first Semi-Final this afternoon between Olthannon’s Organ Tonk and Meer_Cat’s Baloon Tonk. You both have another opportunity for a Sponsirahip message if there’s anything in particular you’d like me to spotlight. In the meantime I’ll get on with the write-up. Lots of fun surprises in store, and more 7’s too!
Welcome once again one and all to our first Semi-Final match up where Two returning champions will battle it out for a conveted place in the Grand Final.
It’s going to be a real battle here at the Tonktopia Scraptacular Arena “where Tonks come to die” as Team Olathanon’s Organ Tonk squares off against Team Meer_Cat’s Death from Above!
As ever there may be some surprises in store for us so it’s over to Refferee Chatter Teeth to tell you all about what our challengers will be facing today.
Thanks Motty, that’s right, our scrap yard of death presents all kinds of dangers to the Tonks today
The central spot where I’m standing is rigged up with a heavy power generator which may zap any Tonk within 3” (on a D6 roll of a 6) making this whole central area a potential danger zone. But the outskirts are far from safe. On each side of the arena there is a ranged turret which once triggered (either by a ramming Tonk or a stray shot) will target the nearest Tonk with one shot every turn! (In the same way as a shot from another Tonk )
That’s sounds nasty enough Chatta! And what can you tell me about these big pink buttons Chatta?
Yes, that’s not all. Those two buttons are each placed atop a cage containing something we have been harbouring here in the scrapyard area, nurturing it’s rage and contempt. Contenders can access the big pink buttons from the ramps behind to release the beasts but they do so at their peril!
Yikes! That’s a lot to contend with, but luckily our Tonks, being semi-finalists and all, will have some upgrades (as generated from page 7 UPGRaDEs Table)
These have been heavily guarded secrets of both teams’ R&D departments which they can now reveal here the first time. As the Tonks take their positions we’ll hear first from Team Meer_Cat. What extra upgrade have your boffins come up with?
Thanks Motty, the Meer_Cat crew have been working tirelessly since our first big win to develop a system to give us the edge in this semi-final.
Our boffins have installed a Coaxial Machine Gun which, while it doesn’t have the same armour-penetrating power of our main gun it can still cause havoc with minor systems. There’s no telling what interesting advantages we could gain on the battlefield with this.
Ho ho ho! Fythuwald here!
We at the Cooperative have developed our upgrade on the understanding that you can’t hit what you can’t see. That’s why we have installed a custom Smoke Grenade Launcher. This arena more than any other seems to warrant this kind of extra defensive strategy.
You might also be interested to know our smoke-machine prototype was used as the hazer on tour with Hermanos Guiltieres live at Best Kept Secret 2023.
I encourage you to listen to the music of Hermanos Guiltieres because it is awesome.
Well, the crowd are pumped and I’m super excited to see these two teams in action once again. Both Tonks are in position and Referee Chatterteeth sounds the klaxon to start the matchup.
First off the blocks it’s the Balloon Tonk hovering up the outside while the Organ Tonk rumbled full speed ahead into the centre of the arena.
Still moving around the outside it looks like team Meer_Cat are actually heading for the ramp to release one of the beasts from its cage.
The organ Tonk with no target yet in sight has stopped short of the potential zap range of that central scrap pile and is lining up to unleash hell on the bottom of the ramp.
And the first shots of the match fail to open the scoring as the airship defies the barrage from the organ Tonk and powers up the ramp to release the beast! And not content with that team Meer_Cat shoots from atop the cage with a heavy hit, opening the scoring. Death From Above indeed!
And the Organ Tonk is reeling, reversing back toward the central danger zone only narrowly avoiding a jolt of electricity from the Junkyard-generator.
But now as the cage opens the crowd erupt into cheers as, YES! It’s the Resurrected Rocket Tonk of team Pyroalchi emerging from the cage!
Referee Chatterteeth, what’s going on here?
The mystery beast that has been released is a returning Tonk given a chance for vengeance against the Tonk that put it out of the tournament. My scrapyard minions have allowed this chance for revenge by returning the Tonk to operational status but with only one single Hull Point.
Excellent stuff, Ref. So a Tonk seeking revenge will have to do so fast.
But the Organ Tonk has other plans and faced with two opponents training their guns on their juicy yellow hull, team Olthannon’s Driver has elected to deploy that smoke and reverse out of there.
Speaking of reversing the Airship has to backtrack down the ramp, but the Rocket Tonk, seeing its old enemy obscured from its sights isn’t able to fire. So while the Organ Tonk continues beating a retreat, it looks like team Pyro is advancing down the other side of the Zzapp-Scrap to head them off in what looks like a second race for the second button!
Meanwhile the smoke cloud has floated over to Obscure one of the arena turrets. Poor Bazalcrunt over there hasn’t remembered to pack his gas mask.
Now the airship emerges from the back alleys of the arena and fires a huge long range shot impacting the rear of the Organ Tonk’s left track. That looks like it could be a challenge for team Olthannon if they can no longer turn left, but they are powering forward regardless, heading for the end of the ramp below me.
But look now!
The rocket Tonk emerges with a surprise move, getting up close and personal but failing to get a shot off in time as the Organ Tonk grabs the initiative and spins to the right to present the heavier frontal armour as well as its trio of guns. The shot is deafening as the side of the Rocket Tonk takes a devastating hit Putting an end to this Tonks attempted revenge.
But while the Organ Tonk proceeds to head up the ramp, Team_Meercat are up to no good in the centre of the arena. Are they deliberately hiding in the smoke cloud and activating the turret?
Dangerous tactics perhaps but they have time and space to do it while the opposition is busy over here reversing up the ramp…
To Release another Beast of War!
The crowd erupts once again as another returning Tonk emerges into the arena! None other than Gobert the Tonk-Engine! With a maddening roar! A beast has truly been unleashed, turning the tables on team Meet_Cat with a furious charge and a clear hit on-target against the Balloon Tonk.
Beset now under the sights of two Tonks, and with even old Bazalcrunt on the Squig cannon getting a shot in, taking another hit to their armoured hull, team Meer_Cat have really bitten off more than they can chew! It’s even Steven’s at 2 all.
But wait! Is that the waft of jam sandwiches in the Smokey air? Yes I believe Team Meet_Cat have broken out their lunchboxes early and are shrugging off their first two injuries with utter contempt. The score is back to 2:0 as the Airship turns to face their heavier frontal armour to the enemy and reverses away. It looks like they are attempting to leave the newly arrived Tonk-Engine to the mercy of Bazalcrunt’s Squig Cannon.
But the wandering gas cloud is on the move again and once again it’s old Bazalcrunt that gets a face full of smoke leaving Gobert the Tonk-Engine unhindered in its pursuit of revenge. Meanwhile the somewhat hindered Organ Tonk is still manoeuvring down the ramp and returning to the battle.
Now in the centre of the arena, that palpable electric charge is humming in the air as the Match Official Referee Chatterteeth is once again firing up the generator. Two Tonks stand a very real chance of falling foul of the central arena hazard here! And Gobert, returning with only a single hull point to play with is risking it all.
But No! As both Tonks circle dangerously close it’s only the Airship that draws the lightning. And amazingly at this late stage in proceedings that’s still only a single point of hull damage on the scoreboard against team Meer_Cat.
Still pressing the attack and reckless as ever the Tonk-Engine comes in at Ramming speed! A sickening crunch felt across the whole arena there folks.
Even the Dog in the fog felt that one, though I doubt he has a clue what it was.
And the Tonk-Engine goes up in flames!
A catastrophic explosion that I believe has left the Airship down another Hull point! A last parting gift from its arch rival whose contribution to this match up has pulled back the 2 point lead for the Organ Tonk bringing the score even once again at 2 a piece!
And in position now, at range (and with no cause to turn left) the Organ Tonk is carrying on the initiative of this battle, the ballon weathering another salvo of incoming fire, but returning the same. These long range frontal attacks proving ineffective on both sides. But one of the Organ Tonk’s shots have gone wide and struck a barrel behind the target;
The Airship’s rear armour only barely fending off the explosive damage.
Seeing the even heavier storage tanks behind them it looks like the Airship isn’t hanging around to see if they might explode too. Team Meer_cat is taking cover behind some altogether less explosive terrain.
With little choice but to run the gauntlet now Team Olthannon is advancing past the generator
and Yes, reviving the requisite punishment for encroaching on Chatterteeth’s territory. They take position on the other side of the corner a hull point the worse for ware.
Now we come to it folks, something of a stalemate is developing here as both Tonks play peekaboo, firing point blank at each other round the corner of my perhaps I’ll chosen commentary box.
The frontal armour of each Tonk taking a hammering but not yielding to the punishment. But wait! The Airship’s coaxial machine gun is paying dividends now with a stray bullet ignites the magazine inside the Organ Tonk claiming another Hull point, putting Team Meer_Cat two points clear now.
And the punishment just keeps on pounding here but it’s The Balloon Tonk that makes the first move! Breaking from cover and advancing for a shot at the side, and at this close range the result is a resounding hit!
It’s 5-2 to Team Meer_Cat now but they’re in a dangerous position as Team Olthannon advances into position, turning to the right for an answering shot, clawing back the lead by one Hull point.
It’s a manoeuvring game now, the old dance of death is begun in earnest, with shot after shot, failing to find their mark as each Tonk keeps a heavily armoured front to the fore.
Both teams better keep an eye out on the wandering gas cloud, it’s crossed over Referee Chatterteeth’s electrically charged zone and has picked up a little lightning on the way!
And this time it’s The Organ Tonk the aggressor as they are going in for the Ram! A serious impact and a statement of intent. The lead is slipping away here as it’s now 5-4 with all to play for.
As the Balloon backs out of the tangled metal They slam on the breaks. Not a yard behind there looms a dangerous looking electrical storm. But the Airship has some lightening of its own and with a terrific zaaap it’s goodnight for the Organ Tonk taking that sixth and final… no wait! Is that Jam Sandwiches I can smell?
It is! In an incredible display of tenacity and determination Team Olthannon are cracking open their lunch boxes and claiming back an incredible two hull points! Unbelievably it’s now neck and neck with 4 points apiece!
But the coaxial machine gun has played its part again scoring a critical second track damage on the Organ Tonk, leaving Team Olthannon immobilised out there on the battlefield!
The Airship takes to flight now, moving fast and direct for cover as the turret of Organ Tonk traverses after it scoring an easy hit on the rear armour of the flying Tonk. Team Olthannon taking a slender lead for the first time in this matchup.
But the move was a calculated risk and we can see now the development of Team Meer_Cat’s strategy, as they disappear around the corner, safe from the immobilised Organ Tonk’s field of fire, and train their own guns to activate the arena turret cannon.
Well the writing seems to be on the wall folks, as the Very Hungry Caterpillar opens up on the nearest Tonk to him, it’s a resounding kersplat with the junk cannon on the rear of the Organ Tonk, but he’s still hungry! And as Team Meer_Cat look on, battered down to their final Hull point, nobody can say they haven’t battled hard for this inevitable victory.
And with another shot falling hard on the immobilised Organ Tonk, Referee Chatterteeth calls the score, a final 6-5 in favour of our first finalists, Team Meerr_Cat’s Death from Above!
What a Semi-Final and what a result for Death From Above, the airship rising above the rest, battling through to finally come out on top! They’ve shown skill, engineering and strategy and they’re going to need all three again when they face off against the winner of next semi final bout.
Will it be the winning spirit of the Great Pumpkin or the advanced technology of the Tekno-Rex?
Join me again next time for a monster of a match up!
This message was edited 1 time. Last update was at 2024/03/18 00:43:26
Cheers guys. Glad I haven’t lost your enthusiasm in the long wait to put this one out.
We’ve played the second Semi-Final too so I’ll be writing it up. In the meantime, Tzurk and Syro_ if you have anything by way of a sponsorship message, anything you’d like me to point to or invite everyone to go check out just let me know and it’ll go into the write up for your big Semi Final coming up next, when The Tekno-Rex takes on The Great Pumpkin.
It’s going to be a monster of a match up!
Another great batrep theCrowe full of unpredictable action. Congratulations Meer_Cat! And good game Olthannon, it wasa close one.
@theCrowe: Beyond the picture I sent you a while back, I'm not sure of anything else to add. You're much better with these sponsorship messages than I am, so just follow your muse.
Finished Forge World Elysian Army 
Finished Tau Sept Cadre 
Finished Ork Waaagh | 
Alaitoc Eldar Warhost 
Finished Order of Our Martyred Lady - Sisters of Battle 
Finished Necromundian Imperial Guard Regiment 
full of unpredictable action. Congratulations Meer_Cat! And good game Olthannon, it wasa close one.
