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Chapter Master Guilliere,

You haver not gone insane and that is half your problem. The Universe has. I have froseen these changes and the Great Insolvency long fortold is likely to manifest in its wake.
In the mean time understand the great maxim, only the insane enough have the strength to prosper and only those who prosper truly judge what is sane. Go a little crazy out there, I hear of some wierd thing in Chapter approved force orgs nowadays, who knows, those Wave Serpents might just end up working for you.

The eternal E


Dear te.h Space Emporer

Heretical spell checkers don't allow me 2 write te.h properly unless I add a dot or some such. It otherwise ends up as 'the' who write that dat anyway?

your m8 Gaspin

Dear te.h Space Emporer

Heretical spell checkers don't allow me 2 write te.h properly unless I add a dot or some such. It otherwise ends up as 'the' who write that dat anyway?

your m8 Gaspin

Sup M9, it's the SPESS EMPRAH
I will fix those spelling issues, and then execute you for critizising me. HERESY! BLAM

Dear Space Emperor,

When will the STEEHL REHN come?

 Matthew wrote:

Dear Space Emperor,

When will the STEEHL REHN come?

Dear Matthew,

The Steehl Rehn will not come, because it doesnt refer to anything. The closest approximation is likely to be the Purple Rain, which occured in the 8th decade of the last century of the second millenium. Aweful album that was, stoked with Slaaneshi references. Your corrupted language is connected mainly through the same influences. So it appears that your latter serves some purpose after all, hold in your current location until your friendly neighbourhood Ordo Hereticus colects you.

Have a Nice Day.

E


Dear the Space Emporer,

Don't you love us anymore?

Yours hopefully

A. Squat

Dear the Space Emporer,

Don't you love us anymore?

Yours hopefully

A. Squat

Dear Squat,

Isn't it obvious? The only reason I'm alive right now is because the Orks think I am, so no, I don't love you.

Big E

Dear Space Jesus,

Could you please give us marines some better weapons than Bolters, say give all of us Lascannons?

Yours truelly,

MEHRINE

 Matthew wrote:
Dear Space Jesus,

Could you please give us marines some better weapons than Bolters, say give all of us Lascannons?

Yours truelly,

MEHRINE

Dear MEHRINE,

I once tried to give you guys something other than bolters. At one point I experimented with giving everyone Multilasers. Next thing I knew the universe went gakky. Terminators were doing backflips. Landraidrs turned into Razorbacks. Our tanks were stolen by those damnable Eldar. It was a horrible time. That is why Tac squads are only allowed a single Lascannon, and Devastator squads are allowed to have four.


Dear moldy old corpse.

We tried to warn you that your plan wouldn't pan out. We told your son Alpharius. We allowed your son Magnus to entr the Webway to get to your throne. Now your empire is stagnant and everyone is doomed. DOOOOOOMED!!! Why did you not listen?

The biggest dick the Eldar know,
Eldrad

Dear Eldrad,

I would sooner have the Universe tunnel into a lower energy state and have everything as we know it be destroyed than to listen to a foul Xenos. And besides, I may be a corpse on a chair but at least I'm not the biggest dick in the galaxy.

Sincerely yours,
The God Emperor of Mankind.

Dear Emperor,

Why do all buildings in the Imperium look the same? I'm not asking for a whole lot. Just another type of building besides all of those damned Sanctum Imperialis, Manufactorums, Basicilica Adminstratums and Shrines of the Aquila. It gets awkward to have to shop for naughty nightwear when the windows st the sex store feature the images of Imperial saints.

Yours truly,
Perci Lotharn

 TheCustomLime wrote:


Dear Emperor,

Why do all buildings in the Imperium look the same? I'm not asking for a whole lot. Just another type of building besides all of those damned Sanctum Imperialis, Manufactorums, Basicilica Adminstratums and Shrines of the Aquila. It gets awkward to have to shop for naughty nightwear when the windows st the sex store feature the images of Imperial saints.

Yours truly,
Perci Lotharn

Y'know you got me there. I mean really and what's up with half of the walls in the Imperium being ruined? I mean don't we have home depot any more?

Someone's not doing their job let me tell you!

Emporer O'Space

===================================================================
Hey um, Teh, I can call you Teh right?

We met at that Emperor Convention a few years back, and swapped stories about fighting off chaos and stuff, then went and gave the Tau Emperor a weggie.

So yeah when you were astral projecting back home you said I could stop by some time.

Well um, this happened.



So now I'm kinda floating in a formless void and stuff wiating for the reboot.

So like, do you have spare bedroom I can crash in?

Sincerely
K. Franz, Emperor of the Olde Worlde (RIP)

Dearest Franz.

Of course I remember you. I think. I had a lot to drink that night. I have plenty of spare bedrooms you can borrow as I've been so busy with work I can't even get off my throne. All I ask is that you enter through the front door, and not barge in through the warp like my idiotic son Magnus. Perhaps you could even help me with some of my work load?
Your brother in arms
Teh Emperor.
------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Almighty Emperor of Mankind

Through no fault of my own I am very effeminate. Ever since I was little I felt like I should have been a girl. My parents (worried for their lives) took me to an Inquisitor who deemed me "odd, but not a mutant or heretic." As it is when I see the Adepta Sororitas march by I get jealous. Is there any way you can fix my body so I can join the illustrious Sisterhood of Battle?

Jessie

SERVANTS OF THE EMPORER
We interrupt your regular Q & A session for a special bulletin straight from thr Golden Throne,

Set your cognitators to download and consult for the lastest in Grim Darkness battlefield information.

Blessed servant, are you going to smite the xenos Eldar anytime soon?
If so refer to this handy reference flowchart.

1. Do your xenos Eldar opponents have evil spikes?
If yes go to 4, if No go to 2

2. Do your xenos Eldar opponents all have clown faces and rainbow diamond vehicle paint jobs?
If yes go to 4, if No go to 3

3. Can you arrange to purge your Eldar threat before Saturday 25th?
If yes go to 5, if No go to 6.

4. You may proceed with purging the xenos threat, but keep note of any allied contingents present.
End of Consulation, thank you for your consideration. Happy Purging.

5. Hurry now, you must purge your xenos before next Saturday, after that find a nice safe Waaargh to face.
End of Consulation. Rob victory from the vile Eldar xenos.

6. Would you like to play Warmachine or Dropzone Commander instead? They have balance.


This concludes our consultation for the day, stay tuned to read many more Ask the Space Emporer queries flooding in soon. We expect the prayers department to be rather busy, so call now call early and call often.

 Happyjew wrote:


Dear Almighty Emperor of Mankind

Through no fault of my own I am very effeminate. Ever since I was little I felt like I should have been a girl. My parents (worried for their lives) took me to an Inquisitor who deemed me "odd, but not a mutant or heretic." As it is when I see the Adepta Sororitas march by I get jealous. Is there any way you can fix my body so I can join the illustrious Sisterhood of Battle?

Jessie

Dear Jessie,

Feel free to ask your closest medicae facility for a quick chop and some spare breasts. So long as you purge heretics with flame, there isn't much you can do wrong.

From Teh Great and Wonderful Spehss Emprah


---------------------------------------

Hey, Mr O Great Emperor,

I heard that the Eldar have invented some so-called Scatterbikes that can destroy anything that they will ever face, causing army formations that are totally unbeatable unless they face the same force, led by a better general?

Is this true, and if so, what say you?

-Concerned Guardsman.

Dear Concerned Guardsman

Due to the interesting Barrage rules, locking a few Deathstrike Missiles inside a box of LOS blocking terrain should solve your Scatterbike problems. Also, so will Leman Russes. So many Russes
-Emperor

Dear Omnissiah-In-The-Aspect-Of-Emperor,

When will our beloved Tech-Priest Commander, Magos Feld, arrive on the field of battle? Our holy Praetorian Servitors appear to have been delayed, so can we at least have that?

-Alpha Prime Ludwig-Kappa-89

Dear Alpha Prime Ludwig-Kappa-89,

I regret to inform you that the powers that be have determined that all Adeptus Mechanicus forces will be limited to a select few units and that they will take to the field without any sort of leadership. You may look to an Astartes officer or a Commissar for guidance but I cannot help you any further.

Sincerely yours,
The Emperor.

==============

Dear God Emperor of the Emperor

I write to you to in the aftermath of a conflict between the forces of the Adeptus Astartes and my own men and women. On the Forge World of REDACTED my forces to the field of battle hoping to make a strike at the Orks who were at the time besieging the world. Of course, your Marines of the REDACTED felt it necessary to break the truce we had with the local Imperial forces to prove some point and launched a drop pod assault. However, when the Force Commander saw my assembled force of Windriders, Wraithguard mounted on Wave Serpents and Wraithknights he turned his nose up into the air, gave me an annoyed look and called my assembled army "Overpowered" and "Cheesy". I was of course confused by his words so I requested clarification of what he meant by that. He then proceeded to call me a "Win at all costs commander with no honor" and recalled his forces back to their ships. They then attacked the Orks without any further interaction with my forces and I.

Will you explain to me what the word "Cheesy" means and how in Khaine's name an army can be "Overpowered"? Is it not ideal to have a powerful army?

Yours truthfully,
-Autarch REDACTED

 TheCustomLime wrote:


Dear God Emperor of the Emperor

I write to you to in the aftermath of a conflict between the forces of the Adeptus Astartes and my own men and women. On the Forge World of REDACTED my forces to the field of battle hoping to make a strike at the Orks who were at the time besieging the world. Of course, your Marines of the REDACTED felt it necessary to break the truce we had with the local Imperial forces to prove some point and launched a drop pod assault. However, when the Force Commander saw my assembled force of Windriders, Wraithguard mounted on Wave Serpents and Wraithknights he turned his nose up into the air, gave me an annoyed look and called my assembled army "Overpowered" and "Cheesy". I was of course confused by his words so I requested clarification of what he meant by that. He then proceeded to call me a "Win at all costs commander with no honor" and recalled his forces back to their ships. They then attacked the Orks without any further interaction with my forces and I.

Will you explain to me what the word "Cheesy" means and how in Khaine's name an army can be "Overpowered"? Is it not ideal to have a powerful army?

Yours truthfully,
-Autarch REDACTED

Y'see, y'see this is the difference between a decadent dying race like Les Aelphs D'Space and a vibrant expanding one like us Hommes.

SURE the Imperium COULD just sit in our 10 mile long space battle ships and bomb the smeg out of planets till everyone gives up.

But that would make us lazy and decadent. So we carefully choose forces roughly as powerful as our foes and go down there and fight them mano-a-mano, sometimes literally.

This helps keep us strong in the face of a universe full of big scary monsters and demons that want to eat us.

You Aelphs D'Space used to get that, but lately, it's like all you care about is winning, and not the game itself.

It's sad.

You guys used to be cool.*

The Emp

(* Note - This is a fib. The Eldar were NEVER cool)



Memorandum
TO: THE SPACE EMPORER
FROM: HIGH LORD GERRY

Sire, as you may know (what with being omnisent and all) the arch-heretic Evil Steve is planning to sacrifice a sun (??) and open a warp rift in Segmuntum Solar which will threaten Holy Terry itself.

Honestly I don't even know what the #$%^ that's supposed to work, I mean how do you sacrifice a whole sun? Wouldn't your sacrificial dagger melt? But the guys are really freaked out about it and I guess they know what they're doing.

We here at High Lord Central have been working out some plans and I think we've got one.

Now High Lord Jack, he was all like "let's send an assassin to kill Evil Steve! Or maybe two assassins!"

Then High Lord Larry, he was all like "guys it's time to #$%^ or get off the pot! I say we send THREE ASSASSINS!"

And everyone was all like OMG!

But then I was all like "Homeys, we need to go big or go home, I say we send in FOUR ASSASSINS, one from EACH TEMPLE (except for the sucky ones like the nerd temple and the goth chick temple, cause they suck).

And everyone was all like "OMG! Like Totally!"

Except for High Lord Grand Admiral General Marshal Joint Chief Lord Militant Solar Chet. He was all like let's send a big @$$ space boat and nuke the #@!$ from orbit.

And I was like, how is that fair? How is that balanced or sporting or fun?

But Chet he was all like "Dudes I have a Space Boat, the USS @#$%ing Huge, in orbit right now, I can go, nuke Evil Steve and be back for lunch.

Man, some people just don't get it.

What can I do about Chet, he's just not a team player.

Sincerely
High Lord Gerry

 Kid_Kyoto wrote:
Memorandum
TO: THE SPACE EMPORER
FROM: HIGH LORD GERRY

Sire, as you may know (what with being omnisent and all) the arch-heretic Evil Steve is planning to sacrifice a sun (??) and open a warp rift in Segmuntum Solar which will threaten Holy Terry itself.

Honestly I don't even know what the #$%^ that's supposed to work, I mean how do you sacrifice a whole sun? Wouldn't your sacrificial dagger melt? But the guys are really freaked out about it and I guess they know what they're doing.

We here at High Lord Central have been working out some plans and I think we've got one.

Now High Lord Jack, he was all like "let's send an assassin to kill Evil Steve! Or maybe two assassins!"

Then High Lord Larry, he was all like "guys it's time to #$%^ or get off the pot! I say we send THREE ASSASSINS!"

And everyone was all like OMG!

But then I was all like "Homeys, we need to go big or go home, I say we send in FOUR ASSASSINS, one from EACH TEMPLE (except for the sucky ones like the nerd temple and the goth chick temple, cause they suck).

And everyone was all like "OMG! Like Totally!"

Except for High Lord Grand Admiral General Marshal Joint Chief Lord Militant Solar Chet. He was all like let's send a big @$$ space boat and nuke the #@!$ from orbit.

And I was like, how is that fair? How is that balanced or sporting or fun?

But Chet he was all like "Dudes I have a Space Boat, the USS @#$%ing Huge, in orbit right now, I can go, nuke Evil Steve and be back for lunch.

Man, some people just don't get it.

What can I do about Chet, he's just not a team player.

Sincerely
High Lord Gerry

FROM: THE SPACE EMPORER
TO: HIGH LORD GERRY
RE: HIGH LORD GRAND ADMIRAL GENERAL MARSHAL JOINT CHIEF LORD MILITANT SOLAR CHET

Teh Great and almighty Emperor of known (and unknown) space has decreed that no person (including abhumans and xenos pretending to be humans, as well as those who are mostly mechanical) shall be able to be a High Lord, a Grand Admiral, a General Marshal, a Joint Chief and a Lord Militant. It's too many damn titles. He must choose one and only one. If he chooses to be a High Lord he must give up his Space Boat. If he decides
not to be a High Lord, he is no longer welcome to your meetings and must immediately be granted the Emperors Mercy for heresy.

***************************************************************************************************************************

Dear emper,
Hi! I aint suppose to write to you so you got to keep this secret, ok? I heard some gaurdians sayin the mon'keigh think you're real nice and you give them gifts and stuff if they're good. They said it was silly but I been really really good!

I been meditating every single day....
and washin behind my ears
and cleaning my wraithbone and everything!

So I know you're probably super busy and stuff but if you're near the craftworld then maybe you can bring me mom's spirit stone?
She went away to fight but when she came back she wasn't moving anymore but she didn't have her spirit stone.
I'm scared she's lonely.

I don't know what it's like inside a spirit stone and the exarch won't tell me but I miss her a lot.

I asked dad what it was like but he doesn't talk to me much anymore since they put him in a rafelord. He says he's cold a lot.
Can you bring him a blanket? A big one if you got it.

I don't know how to give this to you so I'm putting it out the airlock. You're really magic so I bet you'll find it right away!
I don't got anything to give you for reading this but if you visit me I promise I'll give you a million hugs!

Love Anthan

Dear Anthan,

You certainly kept this secret. Keep doing what you are doing and have a great day!!

Sincerly,
The space emperor.

-------------
Dear space emperor,

How do I play this game?

Sincerley,
Marla Gilmore

Dear Marla,
Just roll as many sixes as you can, while hou are not busy producing more marines.
E

Dear Emporer,
Do you remember how to stand on your own two feet?
Xenos.

Xenos, yes I do. I'm just occupied planting my two feet in yo ass!
ooooooooooooooooh

Dear big space Hitler Jesus,

why do you hate me? I have a family, you know.

Guardsman

 Matthew wrote:

Dear big space Hitler Jesus,

why do you hate me? I have a family, you know.

Guardsman

Dear Mr. Man

Thank you for your letter, as you know I fully support our troops which is why I make sure each and every guardsman gets not only a 5+ save but also a S3 weapon so that they may defend my Space Empire.

But you letter, it... it concerns me. Let's look at it again.

Dear big space Hitler Jesus,

why do you hate me? I have a family, you know.

Guardsman

Y'see, there's your problem right there.

You had a family.

HAD.

They've already been executed by the Arbites even before I read this letter, probably just as soon as your finished writing it. That's what happens when you question your divine lord and master.

That and you being assigned to the Wraith Knight Assault Task Force.

Good luck with that!

Signed,
E

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Spacey...

Spacey I have tried to be calm.

I have tried to be reasonable.

I have tried to be patient.

But Spacey...

I mean last week I was having lunch with Tech Priest Alpha Trion Orion Pax and he casually mentioned something about a new codex for the Skitarii.

A NEW CODEX

Then, then, then he mentions a new codex for the Cult Mechanicus

Well I assumed it was the same book but he informed me that in fact the Adeptus Mechanicus had... had... had...

(Calm, I am calm, I am no hysterical, stop calling my hysterical, that's sexist damnit!)

TWO NEW CODEXES

T... T... TWO new codexes for, for, for...

FOR THESE NERDS?

The nerds? With their coke-bottle glasses and inhalers and guns that shoot nonsense words?

They get t... t... TWO NEW CODEXES?!@?!?!?!?!?!?one!?!11??!?!

TWO?

Spacey, Spacey, we need to talk.

I know, I know you want my codex to be perfect, and I appreciate that. But Spacey, it's been more than 10 years.

Yes I know all about that WD list and Adepta Sororita book, but you said it was just a stop gap measure until the real book, the one that gets printed and has a whole line of models is ready.

TEN YEARS!

Spacey, please, just, just get it done. I know you love me, I know you love all of us, but please, just get something printed.

I mean, you know some of the girls have been getting offers from a certain group of "Raging Heroes" and I don't know how much longer I can keep them in line.

Please Spacey?

For me?

Sincerely
Saint Celestine, Hieromartyr of the Palantine Crusade
AKA YOUR GIRLFRIEND!!!!!!

Don't you worry Celestine, a new codex will be coming your way, Corax just needs to come back and give me the notes for it you see. That note, "nevermore", I think he was sick of your army after his space marines got wiped by them. Anyway, just hang in there, you know I'm so good at keeping relationships, I mean, I haven't done anything wrong with my past relationships. Nope, nothing at all comes to mind. So, just keep waiting a little while longer, and keep faith, for without faith I won't be able to come back as a fifth chaos god, er I mean, that new *shiny* codex of yours may never come.

Yours truly,
The Biggest E
_____________________________________________________________

Dear Space Emperor,

Don't you think it's time we did something against that Ghazghkull character? I mean, if he can unite the orks or get Gork and/or Mork to show up, we could be in trouble. Of course, the local Inquisitor didn't want to hear anything of it, so he had my tongue cut out and his own ears burned off as well, just to be sure. But not before mentioning something about "no moving the timeline", what is that all about? A speedy reply would be best, my Lord. It is awfully lonely not being able to talk, and the Inquisitor keeps having people yell into the hole where his ear was for him to hear us, so we can't even get any sleep. Anyway, thanks for the time, Empy.

Yours forevermore,
Imperial Lieutenant Hans

 2BlackJack1 wrote:


Dear Space Emperor,

Don't you think it's time we did something against that Ghazghkull character? I mean, if he can unite the orks or get Gork and/or Mork to show up, we could be in trouble. Of course, the local Inquisitor didn't want to hear anything of it, so he had my tongue cut out and his own ears burned off as well, just to be sure. But not before mentioning something about "no moving the timeline", what is that all about? A speedy reply would be best, my Lord. It is awfully lonely not being able to talk, and the Inquisitor keeps having people yell into the hole where his ear was for him to hear us, so we can't even get any sleep. Anyway, thanks for the time, Empy.

Yours forevermore,
Imperial Lieutenant Hans

Dear Imperial,

Imperial, Imperial, Imperial, I don't know how to break this to you... but the fact is the Space Empire is doomed.

DOOMED!

I mean, Chaos we can handle that, we've had them bottled up in the nose of horror for evs.

And the Eldar, pfft, they're a joke, dying off for 10,000 years.

The Orks, yeah they're a problem but a persistant one, like one of those rashes that doesn't go away.

But then add on the Egyptian Terminator Robots (forget what they're called, Necromundas? Maybe, note to self, exterminus on Necromuna) waking up, AND the Anime Fish Men with their Gundams, AND the Hungry Bugs (Tyranites? Tallarn? Tallarn sounds familiar, note to self, exterminous on Tallarn) coming in from the far side of the universe, we're stretched to our limit, and beyond.

I figure maybe by M42 Y050 we;re just done.

Thus my clever plan.

You may have noticed this January when you changed the calendar it said M41 Y999. And that last year's also said M41 Y999, and the year before that, and the year before that, and the year before that.

In this way I can ensure the year of DOOM! never comes.

So Imperial, just keep on partying like it's M41 Y999. Cause it is.

Forever.

Yours Eternally
The Emporer

----------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear the Space Emporer

My lord and master, far be it for me, a humble Custodius to question your eternal wisdom, but I have a question about your house guest.

While Mr Franz has himself been a model houseguest, simply staying in his room, drinking wine and playing Age of Reckoning (and crying, lots of crying) his house pet has not.

His pet griffon (named 'Deathclaw') has been clawing the sacred tapestries and battle banners, leaving piles of poop the size of a Space Marine Terminator and eats half his weight in horse meet each day.

I've asked Mr. Franz many times to please keep his pet on under control but he just cried, or drunkenly waves around his hammer.

Do you think maybe we can ask him to leave?

Sincerely
Snivilous Gracious
Master of the Household

Dear Mr. Gracious,

Please be understanding that Mr. Franz just lost his Empire to some donkey-cave and his army of walking golden soup cans. If "Deathclaw" continues to be a problem just make the Custodes look after him. They have to do whatever I say even if it is totally degrading and menial. Hahaha that serves them for wearing those stupid banana hats of theirs.

Sincerely,
The God Emperor of Mankind

P.S: We are currently taking litigation against this "Sigmar" for stealing our designs for Astartes power armor. If nothing else perhaps this will give Mr. Franz some consolation.


+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++=

Dear Corpse Emperor,

I just wanted to write to let you know that me and my warband just exterminated all life on one of your planets. It was a really nice planet with trees, beautiful weather, nice people and adorable puppies. And now they are all dead. Especially the puppies. I personally kicked one out of the air lock because I am just that kind of guy. Hahahahahaha you suck hahahahaha.

Sincerely,
Mordus Murderous
Champion of Chaos

Dear Mordus Murderous,

Thank you for desecrating that world, I was getting really rather bored of always knowing that my side would win. Makes a nice change to see chaos get a victory.

Sincerely,

Lord Empz

-------------------------------------------------------

To Mister Emperah

For Emperars day cood I have
1. A reealy big gun
2. Lots of armour
3. Becom a spaes mareen

Fank yew

Sipep

P.S I will be six yeers old on the next Emperars day!

Dear Sipep,

Honesty isn't something we get enough of around here, so I'm going go do just that. For Emperor's day, you will be of age to work in a factory and that will be what you do for the rest of your life. Manpower is the key to success, and that armor and gun are worth more than you, your family, and possibly even your planet.

Hugs and kisses,

Big E.

-------------------------------------------------------------

Dere Golden Git,

Me and me WAAAAGH is lookin for a good scrap, so weze headin' for ya. Be ready or be krumped!

Sinseerlee,

Warboss Killagit.

Dear Warboss Killagit,
Thank you very much for warning us about your impending invasion. I'll be sure and give you the royal treatment, complete with a welcoming party of the Crimson Fists Space Marine chapter, a few regiments of Imperial Guard, and maybe I'll even be able to get a special guest appearance by the Adeptus Mechanicus. See you soon!
Sincerely,
The Emperor of Mankind

------------------------------------------------------------------------
O Holy Emperor, Lord of all Mankind,
I am your humble servant, one of the Space Marines of the Dark Angels chapter, and I was wondering whether you would see fit to bestow upon us some of the interesting weapons and armor that the other chapters have but we lack. Such things as Centurion armor, Thunderfire Cannons, Stalker tanks, and other such things. It would help us to purge heretics and xenos much easier! Hoping to hear from you soon!
With exaltation,
Brother Zergsmashius
Dark Angels 3rd Company
The Rock

Dear Brother Zergsmashius,

Give as the blueprints to the Nephillim jet and tell everyone about the fallen first and then I'll tell the AdMech to get over their hate boner for you guys. Yeah, that's right, I know about the fallen. And I am very disappointed about how zealously secretive you bathhrobe wearing space broccoli have been about it all. Just confess and move on.



Sincerely,
The God Emperor of Mankind

P.S: You might want to kiss up to the Black Templars before you confess. If you know what I mean.

++++++++++++
Dear Dead Guy on the Golden Toilet,

WAAAAASSSSSSSUUUPPPP. It's your bro Cegorach! Well, not your brother brother but I consider us bros! Hey! When you have some spare time from stopping Chaos from flooding the materium you want to go play a prank on Khorne? We could like replace all of the skulls beneath his throne with bowling balls. He'll be so mad when he finds out that we made a picture of him and Slaanesh cuddling with all of the skulls! It'll be a riot!


Your Broseph 4 lyfe,
The Big C

 TheCustomLime wrote:

Dear Dead Guy on the Golden Toilet,

WAAAAASSSSSSSUUUPPPP. It's your bro Cegorach! Well, not your brother brother but I consider us bros! Hey! When you have some spare time from stopping Chaos from flooding the materium you want to go play a prank on Khorne? We could like replace all of the skulls beneath his throne with bowling balls. He'll be so mad when he finds out that we made a picture of him and Slaanesh cuddling with all of the skulls! It'll be a riot!


Your Broseph 4 lyfe,
The Big C

Seeing as I had to google you I'm pretty sure we're not brothers.

When did you get a name anyway? I always liked Laughing God, it was direct yet enigmatic. But Cigareck? That just looks like some neck beard pounded on a keyboard till he got something that would pass.

As for Khorne, man where do people get the idea I don't like him? We play poker every Thursday, compare skull collections and complain about our followers.

I mean sure Calgar and Torquamada are annoying, but if I had to listen to Kharn and Angron all day I'd go nuts!

So in a word, no. And stay the heck away from post 2010 fluff! Next thing you know you'll be equipping all your Harlis with Laughing Blades and Laugh Strike Missiles!

Yours in Sanity
The Emporer of Space

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Dear Mr Emporer:

I grew up in a time when appearance mattered and was always taught that unless you take pride in your appearance how can anyone take you seriously.

For example whether me and my fellow cultists were having a full-on Black Crusade or just abducting some virgins for Tuesday's Black Mass we'd go out in fully pressed Dark Vestments and we were always hitting the gym to make sure we'd look good.



But these days, kids just throw on whatever rags they have around and call it day.



I mean yesterday I saw some punk going around with a @#$%ing shopping bag on his head!



I keep trying to tell them, if you dress like cannon fodder then the Dark Gods will treat you like cannon fodder, but they never listen.

It's enough to make a man go off and join the Redemptionists, they're always dressed well.



What's your secret?

Sincerely
Brother Sacc R Lij
Cult of the Flaming Skull of Death and Damnation and Destruction and Holocaust (Reformed)

Dear Brother Sacc R Lij,
My secret is to purge heretics like you. It doesn't matter how you dress then. Go ahead and keep hitting the gym, it won't save your heretic ass from the Inquisition, the Astra Militarum, the Adeptus Astartes, and whoever else isn't busy at the moment, from destroying your little cult.
Sincerely
The Emperor of Mankind

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Dear Emperor of the Gue'la,
I bear greetings from the Tau Empire, the utopian state near the eastern fringe of the galaxy, right across the Damocles Gulf from your Imperium. Why don't your kind go ahead and join the Greater Good instead of fighting us and each other? Your endless fighting and harsh treatment of your own citizens is reprehensible, and your fear of technological advancement is absolutely irrational. You really should give all that up and join us in the 41st millenium instead of living in the dark ages. As you Gue'la would put it, "Just sayin'."
With kind wishes,
Ambassador Por'Vral of the Tau Water Caste

Dear Ambassador:
Why would we join you? This universe is grimdark, and your noble brightness has no place here, please stay still while I send the nearest Imperial Navy Fleet to your world to virus bomb the gak out of it. Should you survive that then strongly consider giving up and hiding on some backwater planet where the Inquisition actually has to try and find you, they could use the exercise.

Regards,
The God Emprah of Mankind

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Dear Emperor,

Could you convince the Mechanicus to actually try and build some of the cool 30k vehicles again? While I love the Land Raiders and Predators we have I would really like to use a Spartan Assault Tank and Sicaran Battle Tank like my brothers in the old legion did. Can you maybe convince them to pull their heads out of their butts and give us some cool tech again?
Best Regards,
Brother Veck of the Ultramarines Chapter

Dear Mr Veck,

Could you kindly shove your praying up your ass? I hear, like, a million of these requests from your lot every day. The Mechanicus is very overworked at the moment, what with providing lasguns for all those guardsmen that do all the real work, (for which you seem to be taking the glory), and they do not have the time to start making such things again.

The paperwork alone...

-Big E

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Deah Emprah

My vocal abiliteh ish lohst. Cahn I have it backh?

Yowas Sinsereleh, Boreale.

Dear Boreale:

Why would I give you your vocals back? Your job is to take your fellow Blood Ravens and run screaming headlong into the guns of your foes. Vocal ability is not required for that. You may have it back when you are no longer bald and foolish.

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Dear Space Emperor,

I was just wondering if you could explain something to me. Some guys came around to my house the other day and began telling me that I should try to stick it to the governor and begin worshipping the "Four". Then they tried to sacrifice my cat and started a small fire in my trash can. They said they would use it to burn the whole hive down in the name of something called "Chaos", can you tell me what that is?

Regards,
Confused Imperial Citizen.