1986
Post by: thehod
Dear Emperor:
How come I cant declare exterminatus on the planet Mars?
Those Adeptus Mechanicus are real heretics.
9407
Post by: Lint
thehod wrote:Dear Emperor:
How come I cant declare exterminatus on the planet Mars?
Those Adeptus Mechanicus are real heretics.
Dear hater,
You can't declare exterminatus on the AdMech because those guys are the only ones who know how to work my hydroponic pot fa--- er, golden throne. Now go away, JLA is about to come on.
Oh most holy and revered Emprah,
Every time the Brother-Sargeant does roll call and gets to my name, the entire chapter bursts into laughter. Why? I don't get it.
Sincerely,
Witchy Dickeater
19454
Post by: Deathbot
Dear Witchy,
By Holy Imperial Edict, I order you to change your name before you embarrass me even more. Something like Bob Smith would be good.
-The Emperor
-------
Dear Emperor,
I suck at my job as Warmaster of Chaos. Can you give me some tips?
-Abaddon the Despoiler
1309
Post by: Lordhat
Deathbot wrote:
-------
Dear Emperor,
I suck at my job as Warmaster of Chaos. Can you give me some tips?
-Abaddon the Despoiler
Dear Baboonbaddon, or whatever your name is,
No. Now stop asking.
Dear He-Who-Sits-Broken-Hearted,
Is the holy book grey with red on, or red with grey bits?
-Confused by acronyms.
17627
Post by: StrixStruma
-------
Dear Emperor,
I suck at my job as Warmaster of Chaos. Can you give me some tips?
-Abaddon the Despoiler
Jump into the Eye Of Terror Naked.
-Eldar Farseer Acting as the space marine emprah
9407
Post by: Lint
Dear He-Who-Sits-Broken-Hearted,
Is the holy book grey with red on, or red with grey bits?
-Confused by acronyms.
Dear confused,
I'm not sure, my daughter Guilliman wrote that one you'd have to ask him. Unless you're talking about the book that Jervis (spittoooie) wrote.That bastard was my roomie in college and stole all my ideas. S'ok though cause I banged his mum over holidays. What were we talking about?
Dear emperor,
Do you know where I can get some good quality space corridors?
Sincerely,
Jimmy
518
Post by: Kid_Kyoto
Lint wrote:
Dear emperor,
Do you know where I can get some good quality space corridors?
Sincerely,
Jimmy
Dear Gim Knee
You ask a difficult question.
Some people will tell you you should buy space corridors made from sturdy and cheap wood.
http://www.litkoaero.com/
Others will tell you to seek out ceramic space corridors, despite the price.
http://www.dwarvenforge.com/store/home.php
Some will even advocate for cardboard printed on two sides so you can get twice as many options.
http://www.amazon.com/Star-Wars-Galaxy-Tiles-Supplement/dp/0786947446/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1253916187&sr=8-1
But these people are Space Traitors and Space Heretics.
The only proper Space Corridors are those mades of cardboard and printed on one side.
And that cost $100 to get.
http://www.thewarstore.com/
That is all.
Teh
____________________________________________________________________
Dear Teh Space Emporer:
I write to you today asking you to act, not as the Emporer of Space but as the Rather Clever Fellow, whom we in the Adeptus Mechanicus worship as the avatar of the Machine God.
We at the Adeptus Mechanicus Biologica have delved deep into the mysteries of life. We have found toxins that can affect even daemons and tyranids. We have disected alien species from all corners of the galaxy. We have identified the lost secret formula for coke.
But one problem perplexes us to this day.
Where do babies come from?
Love
Magos Darwin Einstein
Adeptus Mechanicus Biologica
514
Post by: Orlanth
Dear Teh Space Emporer:
I write to you today asking you to act, not as the Emporer of Space but as the Rather Clever Fellow, whom we in the Adeptus Mechanicus worship as the avatar of the Machine God.
We at the Adeptus Mechanicus Biologica have delved deep into the mysteries of life. We have found toxins that can affect even daemons and tyranids. We have disected alien species from all corners of the galaxy. We have identified the lost secret formula for coke.
But one problem perplexes us to this day.
Where do babies come from?
Love
Magos Darwin Einstein
Adeptus Mechanicus Biologica
My precious servant Magos Darwin,
Babies come from cyber-storks, I prefer cyber-stocks with one prosthetic iron right leg, a deep brass red lens occulus in the left eyesocket and trailing litany parchments with purity seals; and dont forget the skulls. I like skulls don't you. Cyber-storks deliver babies by basket or sometimes looped in a white cloth, both containers trailing litany parchments, bearing skull motifs etc etc.
As for where the cyber-storks get them I dont really want to think about that too much, being stuck in this chair for ten millenia.
Teh Omnissiah
To: Mk1 Spase Emperor
From: Necron Immortal 30610/578348915078139//5937856b
Re: Where can I get a good arnie voice synthesiser <stop> I hear it scares the locals <stop> Your Imperium does not compute <stop> We'll be back <out>
20564
Post by: Owain
Robotic space zombie,
Your incomprehensible and obscure inquiry seems to have stopped the progress of My holy advice thread. Exterminatus has been declared. Have a nice day.
-Teh Spase Emporer(x2)
Mighty and benevolent Spase Emporer,
I am concerned as of late that Creed has fallen to Chaos, as only witchcraft would allow someone to infiltrate an Imperator Titan behind a small bush. What should I do? Surely no one is truly such a tactical g-
<<Transmission interrupted>>
CREEEEEED!
5212
Post by: Gitzbitah
Owain wrote:
Mighty and benevolent Spase Emporer,
I am concerned as of late that Creed has fallen to Chaos, as only witchcraft would allow someone to infiltrate an Imperator Titan behind a small bush. What should I do? Surely no one is truly such a tactical g-
<<Transmission interrupted>>
CREEEEEED!
Creed,
You share a name with one of the greatest tactical minds of your generation. Young Usucker Creed is quite a precocious whipper snapper. I'm told that he's recently taken to infiltrating the Underhive with clean water and food. Compared to that, a titan hiding behind a bush is child's play.
It reminds me of the pranks I used to pull on the primarchs while we were conquering the entire known universe. I'll never forget infiltrating a marker into Horus's helmet so that he ended up with a high quality replication of his own junk on his forehead. It took him weeks to get it off. He never quite got over it though. Some people just can't take a joke.
Spehss Emprah
Dearest progenitor of my progenitor's progenitor's progenitor,
My lord and Emperor, I am but a lowly initiate in your blessed chapter, the Space Wolfs Space Marines. I am glorying in the might granted me by the implants, geneseed and augmetic enhancements you've given me. Sadly, I have found that I itch terribly, and that my power armor's insectoid repellant ring (the one situated in the collar) does nothing but encourage the Fenrisian Fleas now swarming my body.
I've been told by the Wolf Priest that scratching with one's foot or chewing on your own thigh are the only ways to relieve this horrible sensation, but I am sure you know of a better way. Please, your Stellarness, show us the way to smite your tiny, elusive foes.
P.S.- Is there any way to create a red or bright green ball that a Fenrisian Wolf can't chew through? My... battle-brother has one that enjoys search and retrieval exercises.
With all the praise this poor servant is able to muster,
Fuhr Ewuhlf, Space Wolf Space Marine
9407
Post by: Lint
Gitzbitah wrote:
Dearest progenitor of my progenitor's progenitor's progenitor,
My lord and Emperor, I am but a lowly initiate in your blessed chapter, the Space Wolfs Space Marines. I am glorying in the might granted me by the implants, geneseed and augmetic enhancements you've given me. Sadly, I have found that I itch terribly, and that my power armor's insectoid repellant ring (the one situated in the collar) does nothing but encourage the Fenrisian Fleas now swarming my body.
I've been told by the Wolf Priest that scratching with one's foot or chewing on your own thigh are the only ways to relieve this horrible sensation, but I am sure you know of a better way. Please, your Stellarness, show us the way to smite your tiny, elusive foes.
With all the praise this poor servant is able to muster,
Fuhr Ewuhlf, Space Wolf Space Marine
My servant Fuhr,
Your question reminds of the time I was campaigning against the dark eldar. We captured many high level prisoners, and needless to say tortured a great many of them to death. Funny thing is the poor bastards actually quite liked it. Anyways, there was one in particular, a mistress of the severed ball sack or some such, that I took a fancy too. Let me tell you, that girl was bat- sh*t crazy but she could suc***** censored*******************************and licked my********************cosplay******************************************************************************brought in her mother ************************************************************** censored********************************************* the dog came in*************** censored***************************************************************************************************my whole fist********************************************************************************************************************needlenose pliers*************************************
******************** censored******************************************************************************************
And that my son is how I got rid of the itching.
Dear Space Emprah
As a commisar in most holy and awesome army it's my duty to maintain discipline and inspire great acts from my men. But where should I turn when I need a pick me up? I've tried yelling in the mirror, but it's not the same. I've tried shooting myself for cowardice, but I was too scared to do it. Mostly I just cry myself to sleep, what should I do?
Sincerely,
Commissar Sad Heart Faces
299
Post by: Kilkrazy
Dear Space Emprah
As a commissar in most holy and awesome army it's my duty to maintain discipline and inspire great acts from my men. But where should I turn when I need a pick me up? I've tried yelling in the mirror, but it's not the same. I've tried shooting myself for cowardice, but I was too scared to do it. Mostly I just cry myself to sleep, what should I do?
Sincerely,
Commissar Sad Heart Faces
That’s Emporer to you, Commissar Heart Faces -- no slang around here THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
Two things; whisky, and tight boots.
Drink yourself to sleep with the whisky, and in the morning put on your tight boots, which should be one size smaller than your normal fit.
I guarantee you will spend the first half of the day hungover and in a bad mood, then the second half of the day in a rage because of your painful feet.
While suffering with these afflictions, you will have no mind for the other painful things in your life, and it will be sweet relief to thrash and shoot your men to get them to fight.
Just avoid too much shouting in the morning.
It always worked for me!
Teh Space Emporer
Dear Head Galaxy Goon,
So I heard you got nominated for and actually won a Peace Prize!!1!
What’s that all about, then? I never heard you did anything for peace.
Anyway, congratulations. I was wondering if you might share some of your peace-making tips, because I would really like to win a peace prize for the money.
Yours harmoniously,
Eldritch Ulster
14070
Post by: SagesStone
Kilkrazy wrote:Dear Head Galaxy Goon,
So I heard you got nominated for and actually won a Peace Prize!!1!
What’s that all about, then? I never heard you did anything for peace.
Anyway, congratulations. I was wondering if you might share some of your peace-making tips, because I would really like to win a peace prize for the money.
Yours harmoniously,
Eldritch Ulster
Dear Eldrich,
My friend the road to peace is a simple one, first you need to find some people who disagree with you. Then simply "convince" them to see things your way, my personal favorite way is to send a legion of Space Marines to their door stop. Of course they take a gift basket of assorted fruits, but it never goes to plan...
The Emperor
+++TRANSMISSION START+++
>TRANMISSON ROUTINE 2637 START
>Message sent to: EMPORER OF MANDKIND.
>
>As a technical servitor of the Adaptus Mechanus. MODEL:2837293028392.
>I have had a recurring error.
>ERROR 28372837 SUBJECT "LOVE" NOT FOUND.
>Enclose details of error with response.
>
>
>Message from: Servitor 3827392038628939273648920382739293729
>TRANSMISSION ROUTINE 2637 STOP
+++END TRANSMISSION+++
518
Post by: Kid_Kyoto
n0t_u wrote:
+++TRANSMISSION START+++
>TRANMISSON ROUTINE 2637 START
>Message sent to: EMPORER OF MANDKIND.
>
>As a technical servitor of the Adaptus Mechanus. MODEL:2837293028392.
>I have had a recurring error.
>ERROR 28372837 SUBJECT "LOVE" NOT FOUND.
>Enclose details of error with response.
>
>
>Message from: Servitor 3827392038628939273648920382739293729
>TRANSMISSION ROUTINE 2637 STOP
+++END TRANSMISSION+++
Huh. Beats me. Where did you hear about? I thought I'd pretty much gotten rid of everything that isn't war.
Your pal
The Omnimessiah of the Machine God
Dear the Space Emperor:
OK, I know you're mad, you haven't heard from me in who knows how long but I can explain.
SO I was at this warrior lodge, y'know how you said we should try and bond with the natives right? ANd they give me this pipe to smoke and I'm like why not, I mean what's the point of being a 10' tall genetically engineered superman if you can't smoke a bit right? Not like it could do me any harm what with my 3 livers and my 8 lungs right?
Whoo boy was I wrong. I dunno what they had in that pipe but it sent me for a loop. I had all these funky viisions of like extra-dimensional dark gods and galaxy-wide wars, even a visiion of some dweeb in really impractical spikey armor fighting with you. Heh. YOu sure showed that moron a lesson, next time wear your damn helmet!
Anyway so I wake up on this deserted world, totally naked and a bump on my noggin, no idea where I am or how long I was out.
Took me forever to find a post box, I'm still waiting to get a ride home.
So what did I miss?
Yours truly
Horus O'Heresy
12061
Post by: halonachos
Dear Horus,
The emperor has been too busy too talk to just ANYONE now and days. So in this case he had me write back to you, he says that he is NOT angry with you, in fact he's going to send you a present. He called it "retribution", but I think he really means a big pink pony. Well, we had it sent to you just last week so you should be getting it in maybe a month, well good luck to ya, and enjoy your new pony.
Sincerely, Steve.
Dear Space Emperor,
My brother just started dating a vegetarian, which is fine, but the guys and I are worried. You see we are brothers of the Carniverous Space Abbots Space Marine Chapter, and every single day we eat just meat and maybe a small side salad. But brother Fin just orders 4 small side salads and doesn't even touch his poached griblaw cecum(his previous favorite). What can we do to bring him back on the meat eating wagon?
Sincerely,
Brother Barr Bee Quu
20564
Post by: Owain
Dear Brother Smoked Meats,
Well, isn't it obvious? Vegetarianism is heresy. Refer to the Catechism of Hate... burn the heretic. Preferably with a nice orange glaze.
-Sitting on a Giant Golden Space Barbeque.
Dear Spase Emporer,
As an Ultramarines initiate I've always wondered... why do we have to yell "FOR THE EMPRAH!" every time we take an objective? Do you really want all of them?
-Lil' Timmy
299
Post by: Kilkrazy
Dear Spase Emporer,
As an Ultramarines initiate I've always wondered... why do we have to yell "FOR THE EMPRAH!" every time we take an objective? Do you really want all of them?
-Lil' Timmy
You should be shouting FOR THE EMPORER!
Heretic.
I don't 'want' them all, I already hold them all in sacred trust for the future of mankind. A few have got misplaced by miscreant servants, who shall be punished, that's all.
Yours,
The Spase Emp.
Dear Teh Cosmos King,
I'm surprised you did not tell Brother Smoked Meats that 'Hide The Salami', 'Pack Your Man Meat' and 'Slip It To The Sergeant' have been elements of basic training for Spase Mariens for over 10,000 years.
It's like that in my chapter anyway.
Have we deviated from the Codex of Lion El Johnson?
Yours,
Brother Swin Gz'bothwayz
20867
Post by: Just Dave
Kilkrazy wrote:
Dear Teh Cosmos King,
I'm surprised you did not tell Brother Smoked Meats that 'Hide The Salami', 'Pack Your Man Meat' and 'Slip It To The Sergeant' have been elements of basic training for Spase Mariens for over 10,000 years.
It's like that in my chapter anyway.
Have we deviated from the Codex of Lion El Johnson?
Yours,
Brother Swin Gz'bothwayz
Dear Swing's N Roundabouts or whatever your [non-existent] god forsaken name is,
You have deviated slightly from the teachings of Lion El Jonson (spell his name right next-time, OK?! Heretic...), however it does seem to bear much resemblance to the teaching of my faithful son (son?) Robert Girlyman, who would be proud of your efforts.
However you are not from his gene-seed and hence forth must embark upon a crusade of Holyficatoryness where everyday you and your fellow brothers must play naked swingball! Remember to apply plenty of suntan cream on each other... Enjo-- I mean 'Repent!'
Hugs and Kisses, The Boss Man.
Dear Buzz Lightyear,
I am a novice within the Adepta Sororitas and have been feeling very at home and welcome with my new friends and colleagues, however I have been found that many of my sisters perform the 'training' of 'Push Ups in a Cucumber Field', why is it I have not been taught this method of practice and exercise? they all seem to appear rather flustered afterwards, is this an effective method of exercise?
Yours sincerely S3xc B1atch 69
299
Post by: Kilkrazy
Dear Buzz Lightyear,
I am a novice within the Adepta Sororitas and have been feeling very at home and welcome with my new friends and colleagues, however I have been found that many of my sisters perform the 'training' of 'Push Ups in a Cucumber Field', why is it I have not been taught this method of practice and exercise? they all seem to appear rather flustered afterwards, is this an effective method of exercise?
Yours sincerely S3xc B1atch 69
Dear Miss B1atch 69
Yes, it’s very effective exercise.
Just ask your mentor to take you in hand and show you the ropes. You’ll soon get the hang of it. To make sure you are doing it right, send me a couple of dozen high resolution pics of you and the other ladies and I’ll let you know if anything comes up when I examine them.
Don’t forget to keep taking the steroids!
Yours,
Teh Spase Emporer.
Dear The Space Emporer,
As it is Halloween soon I was wondering how you deal with Trick-Or-Treaters?
I used to just Use Tactics but it didn’t work too well, probably because I’m not some kind of a tactical genius.
Nowadays I like to keep a big bag of sweets and a big bag of frag grenades in my front hall, so I’m ready for anything.
Keep whistling!!!
Coleslaw Fitz Bucket
9407
Post by: Lint
Dear The Space Emporer,
As it is Halloween soon I was wondering how you deal with Trick-Or-Treaters?
I used to just Use Tactics but it didn’t work too well, probably because I’m not some kind of a tactical genius.
Nowadays I like to keep a big bag of sweets and a big bag of frag grenades in my front hall, so I’m ready for anything.
Keep whistling!!!
Coleslaw Fitz Bucket
Dear Fitz,
In my old age I do enjoy handing out treats to the youngins. When the doorbell rings I hand out vitamins, and if I see a particularly well dressed young boy I will let him reach into my robe pocket for the "mystery" roll of nickels. God I enjoy going senile....
Dear god-emprah,
The other day I was lighting up a lho-stick for a smoke break, and some fat bitch walks over and tells me to stop "polluting her air." She then went on to tell me that I was killing myself by inhaling poison, and only "giving money to a white man" by purchasing it. WTF is her deal? I work in a fething munitorium and have had 3 fingers blown off, and a lung replaced, so what if I like to smoke?
sincerely,
worker number 343872-298457898
20867
Post by: Just Dave
Lint wrote:
Dear god-emprah,
The other day I was lighting up a lho-stick for a smoke break, and some fat bitch walks over and tells me to stop "polluting her air." She then went on to tell me that I was killing myself by inhaling poison, and only "giving money to a white man" by purchasing it. WTF is her deal? I work in a fething munitorium and have had 3 fingers blown off, and a lung replaced, so what if I like to smoke?
sincerely,
worker number 343872-298457898
Dear Worker Number 343872-298457898
The only smoke we like to see in the imperium is that coming from the barrel of a boltgun as it blows the big-jesus out of a heretic... Or the smoke coming from my gradually malfunctioning throne (turns out the Pac-Man game I installed had a virus!). Get those fingers replaced and quit smoking so you can serve the Greater Goo-- I mean Imperium better! Or its servitor time for you!
Yours all-powerfully, The God Emperor.
Dear God Emperor,
Behind you!
Lots of Love, Creed.
299
Post by: Kilkrazy
Dear God Emperor,
Behind you!
Lots of Love, Creed.
Dear Creed,
Although I myself have never suffered from your personal problem, believe me when I assure you that I understand and sympathise greatly. Many of my Spase Marien correspondents have written in with related problems. I have been able to help them and I will help you too.
It can be a massive blow when a manly man finds his marital equipment is not functioning as well as it did when he was young.
I know you prefer to sneak up on a lady, but this is one occasion when a frontal attack is the best option.
So you need to re-equip for a new campaign. The Adeptes Mechanicum would be happy to offer you a number of enhancements, however you are a man who has never been afraid to get his hands dirty and would not be satisfied to send in a substitute when you can lead the attack yourself.
I advise you to visit your local pharmacerium and ask for “the special blue pills”.
Take the medicine as instructed, and be sure to set the mood with a nice light dinner including oysters, asparagus, and ripe figs, no more than one glass of wine for you; the lady can have several! And some suitable music.
This is the only occasion when I advise you not to think of me as you muster your strength for the arduous night attack.
Yours stiffly,
Teh Emporer-God.
Dear Hyper Dude,
I have calculated that the amount of metal used to put an aquila symbol on the helmets and lasguns of the Imperial Guard comes to over 17,000,000 tons of aluminium per year.
This is not only a massive consumption of resources necessary for building airframes, it is a waste of fuel when lifting IG units into orbit to join their transports.
Why not spray paint the symbol instead?
Yours,
The Stat Guy.
12061
Post by: halonachos
Dear Stat Guy
We use aluminum for the aquila on IG helmets!? First off, I never allowed the IG to wear any helmets, no less than use actual metal for them. What are you going to tell me next, that they have actual armor instead of the construction paper ones that I wanted them to have? Man, someone's going to pay for this heresy. I sit here and use my safety scissors to carefully cut out each uniform and pieceof armor for the IG and they aren't even used, do you know how many I've made so far? Its well over a gazillion I tell you! But I will have to say thanks for bringing this issue to my attention, I'll be sure to remedy it.
Angrily,
Teh Space Emprah!
Dear Emperor of Space,
How come your vocabulary and grammar are lacking in terms of quality? I am alluding to the fact that you keep spelling "space" as "spesh" and keep misspelling "emperor". I would believe that the actual emperor of mankind would at least be able to spell his own title correctly, unless you are mentally handicapped there is no logical reasoning for you to spell like that.
Sincerely,
Grammaticus Rex
518
Post by: Kid_Kyoto
Dear Emperor of Space,
How come your vocabulary and grammar are lacking in terms of quality? I am alluding to the fact that you keep spelling "space" as "spesh" and keep misspelling "emperor". I would believe that the actual emperor of mankind would at least be able to spell his own title correctly, unless you are mentally handicapped there is no logical reasoning for you to spell like that.
Sincerely,
Grammaticus Rex
First off, didja ever try typing on a key board with a pencil held between your teech cause that @#$%er Horus blew off your fingers 10,000 years ago? Didja? Didja? Huh?
Thought so.
Anyway for your dilligence you have been choosen to serve in the 308 Imperial Anti-Chaos Brigade, where you may correct their grammar and spelling right up until the day we drop-pod you on to the Chaos-held death world of Deathicus Worldius.
Yours
Teh Emporer
================================
Dear the wisest of the wise
My boyfriend and I have been together for several years now but lately he's been acting odd. He's staying out late, he never calls, he doesn't even make eye contact.
Is there someone else?
Yours
Marneus Calgar
Lord Macragge
20393
Post by: Chrepper
Dear Marneus,
Grab his Macragge "toy men" and threaten to scorch their paintjob if he dosn't tell you if there is another. Failing that, I got mah bud Exterminatus on the line.
=====================================================================================================
Dear Space Emperor,
My boyfriend came back from Armaggedeon, and he hasn't been the same since. He doesn't talk at all, and I feel that it has something to do with his missing head. No, thats probably not it...
Befuddled Survivor
518
Post by: Kid_Kyoto
Chrepper wrote:
Dear Space Emperor,
My boyfriend came back from Armaggedeon, and he hasn't been the same since. He doesn't talk at all, and I feel that it has something to do with his missing head. No, thats probably not it...
Befuddled Survivor
Dear B.
Well my first question is always, 'is he under warrenty?'
For just 10 gold credits a month you can get an extended service plan and your nearest forge world will just slot a new head right in. It never pays to be cheap with the one you love.
Yours,
Teh Emporer and CEO of Forgeworld Servitor Works Ltd
Dear the Space Emporer,
Please Mr. the Space Emporer you have to help me I'm at the end of my rope!
My boyfriend and I have been getting intimate lately but there are certain things I just don't 'get'.
For example when we get intimate he always calls it 'Yiffing'.
Also he wears this furry suit all the time and now he wants me to wear a furry suit too!
But I don't want to wear a furry suit! I like my pretty dress!
But I still love him and I don't want to fight!
What should I tell my dear sweet Lukas?
Signed,
Azrael
Master of the Dark Angels
Bearer of the Sword of Secrets
4395
Post by: Deadshane1
Kid_Kyoto wrote:
Dear the Space Emporer,
Please Mr. the Space Emporer you have to help me I'm at the end of my rope!
My boyfriend and I have been getting intimate lately but there are certain things I just don't 'get'.
For example when we get intimate he always calls it 'Yiffing'.
Also he wears this furry suit all the time and now he wants me to wear a furry suit too!
But I don't want to wear a furry suit! I like my pretty dress!
But I still love him and I don't want to fight!
What should I tell my dear sweet Lukas?
Signed,
Azrael
Master of the Dark Angels
Bearer of the Sword of Secrets
Dear Azrael,
Lemme tell you how disappointed I am in you AND Lukas. I mean, Marines having "Relations" while wearing furry suits and/or pretty dresses is totally unnacceptable.
One of you should dress up like an infant replete with bonnet, diaper and baby bottle, the other should dress in drag as a "hot mom" utilising a leather catsuit, whip, and paddle.....this is appropriate attire.
love...no REALLY LOVE,
Teh Spaize Emprer 'O Spaize
..................................
Dear Space Emperor,
I have a website dedicated to the GW hobby. I run it totally NON-PROFIT and only have it due to my love of the hobby. We have a flourishing community and I really enjoy what I do in order to promote the hobby and provide a place online for people to "nerd-out" about these great games....
However, GW just issued me a "cease and desist" order.
What do I do?
Thanx,
"P.O. 'ed"
P.S. I love what you've done with the throne room!
16387
Post by: Manchu
Deadshane1 wrote:Dear Space Emperor,
I have a website dedicated to the GW hobby. I run it totally NON-PROFIT and only have it due to my love of the hobby. We have a flourishing community and I really enjoy what I do in order to promote the hobby and provide a place online for people to "nerd-out" about these great games....
However, GW just issued me a "cease and desist" order.
What do I do?
Thanx,
"P.O. 'ed"
P.S. I love what you've done with the throne room!
Dear P.O.'ed,
You think you're upset, try being strapped into a big golden chair for the last ten thousand years. You know, I tried to run a website from this thing a few years back. Just to pass the time or whatevs. Well, it turns out I was linking to images from the GW site and that was "stealing bandwith" or somesuch Administratum gobbledygook. They sent me this ridiculous letter saying I had to shut the whole thing down and go back to sitting around answering pointless letters. I mean, what a bunch of total fu--
+++MESSAGE DELETED BY ORDER OF THE HOLY INQUISTION ORDO PROPERTY INTELLECTUAM+++
Subject P.O.'d: By referring to the Games Workshop IP in your letter to Game Workshop IP you are in clear violation of trademark laws that we are grossly overstating in order to threaten everyone who buys our products. Please cease and desist immediately or you will be purged with fire.
Sincerely,
Your Friendly Neighborhood Inquisition
-------
Empra Baby,
Did you catch last week's Project Runway? Carol Hannah made it to the finalists? I'm thinking no way, right? OMFG, did not see that one coming! Anyway, let's grab Starbucks and watch the finale at your place, k? Stay fabulous!
Ciao Ciao 4 Now Now,
Fulgrim
(kisses!)
20867
Post by: Just Dave
Manchu wrote:
Empra Baby,
Did you catch last week's Project Runway? Carol Hannah made it to the finalists? I'm thinking no way, right? OMFG, did not see that one coming! Anyway, let's grab Starbucks and watch the finale at your place, k? Stay fabulous!
Ciao Ciao 4 Now Now,
Fulgrim
(kisses!)
Dear Fulgrim,
I appreciate you getting in contact, I have been missing you and your rather well named Legion. Where have you been all this time?! and why didn't you stop that traitorous bastard Horus?
I would dearly love to meet up with you again, my (4th) favourite son, however I am considerably ill at the moment and am in no fit state to travel. I have not been watching Project Runaway this series and I would love to have you over at my place to watch, and catch up on, it, however my advisor's and the like seem to be rather un-keen about the idea of sharing you company and having you over to visit. Can't imagine why, but who am I to complain?! They may stop my hourly soup otherwise...
Apologies dearest Fulgrim, missing you
Hugs and Kisses, Daddy.
P.S. It's rude to invite round to others, did your mother teach you nothing?!
-----
Dear Spooce Empoorer,
I feel angry, so very angry. I feel no-one understands me, they all think I'm simply a raving, blood-thirsty psychopath! These, these people (or warp spawned daemons) only judge me on account of my occasional bouts of violence or anger! I try to control it, but I can get so infuriated! I run up to them to show them my latest poem or knitted jumper and they shoot at me. Then they complain when I slice their limbs off in return!
I wish they would just give me a chance to show my nicer, more sensitive side. I am very confident in my poetical and flower-arranging abilities but I simply have no-one to display them to. I feel so misunderstood.
Yours Sincerely,
Kharn.
16387
Post by: Manchu
Just Dave wrote:Dear Spooce Empoorer,
I feel angry, so very angry. I feel no-one understands me, they all think I'm simply a raving, blood-thirsty psychopath! These, these people (or warp spawned daemons) only judge me on account of my occasional bouts of violence or anger! I try to control it, but I can get so infuriated! I run up to them to show them my latest poem or knitted jumper and they shoot at me. Then they complain when I slice their limbs off in return!
I wish they would just give me a chance to show my nicer, more sensitive side. I am very confident in my poetical and flower-arranging abilities but I simply have no-one to display them to. I feel so misunderstood.
Yours Sincerely,
Kharn.
Dear Kharn,
It sounds like it's high time that Angron set you down for that special talk. Well, I'll try but this was never really one of my strong points.
You see, when a Space Marine gets to be a big boy he goes through some changes. It's perfectly normal although it can feel a little strange and get you all knotted up inside. Your voice is deepening into a manly roar. You're bucking against authority here and there (I think "betrayer" is a bit harsh; all kids go through this--even Horus). And you've probably started to look at your Daemonette friends a little differently or . . . uh, the Noise Marines, I suppose, maybe, I hope not . . . er, anyway, Kharn, the important thing is to realize that if you get an odd spot or two or feel a little awkward and angry otherwise, it's alright. All the other Marines feel the same way at some point in their lives! So chin up and don't worry, my lad. And you can always talk to me about these things.
But seriously, drop dead you warp-sucking traitor.
With intentional condescension,
Imperator Omnipotens
-------
Dearest Allfather,
I'm getting a lot of flak recently about riding the giant cyborg wolf. (He says "hi," by the way.) Is it just me or is it kind of silly to point out how ridiculous a power-armored giant riding a cyborg wolf is in a world where there are power-armored giants and cyborg wolves? Also, what is your opinion of tournament gamers?
Rabidly yours,
One Exasperated Space Viking
518
Post by: Kid_Kyoto
Dearest Allfather,
I'm getting a lot of flak recently about riding the giant cyborg wolf. (He says "hi," by the way.) Is it just me or is it kind of silly to point out how ridiculous a power-armored giant riding a cyborg wolf is in a world where there are power-armored giants and cyborg wolves? Also, what is your opinion of tournament gamers?
Rabidly yours,
One Exasperated Space Viking
Whoa...
d00d...
I like totally had airbrushed a picture like that onto the side of my van back in M2Y976... it was like awesome.
Wow... flashback... Must've eaten a bad bunch of psykers.
Hey time for my spongebath!
Yours droolingly
The Big E
Dear my most beloved Emporer of Space
I'm worried about my boyfriend. Sure when we started seeing each other he was all nice giving me a flying capes and flaming sword and superpowers but we've been together for a few years now and I've asked for a commitment from him. Nothing major, I mean I know all about the other hussies he sees and what goes on during those 'nights with the boys' but just something small like a new codex and plastic models.
But now he won't even return my calls.
What should I do?
With love and humility
St. Celestine
Hieromartyr of the Palatine Crusade
518
Post by: Kid_Kyoto
Dear my most beloved Emporer of Space
I'm worried about my boyfriend. Sure when we started seeing each other he was all nice giving me a flying capes and flaming sword and superpowers but we've been together for a few years now and I've asked for a commitment from him. Nothing major, I mean I know all about the other hussies he sees and what goes on during those 'nights with the boys' but just something small like a new codex and plastic models.
But now he won't even return my calls.
What should I do?
With love and humility
St. Celestine
Hieromartyr of the Palatine Crusade
Celly, Celly sweetheart what are you doing airing all of this in a letter, honey you know if you ever need anything you just call me and my secretary will put you right through my to my personal secretary who will personally hand me a message. Now I know, I know, I promised you a codex and you'll get a codex. A great codex! The best codex ever! But these things take time, and as the Emporer of Space I have a lot of responsibilities, especially with Russ calling me every week asking where HIS codex is. HEY RUSS! Try leaving a call-back number sometime! So anyway, here's what we'll do. Here's my Uranium Charge Card, why don't you and your girlfriends go buy yourselves some new armor and some promethium and go purge Death World 23 in the Certain Death Sector. Then when you get back we can sit down and have some herbal team and come up with a plan for that new codex of yours. See you soon! Big E ====================== Dear the Space Emporer
Are you trying to get rid of me?
Cordially
St. Celestine
Hieromartyr of the Palatine Crusade
16387
Post by: Manchu
@K_K: You gotta be patient! I was thinking of a response for that last one all day! Luckily, I can still use most of it. 
Kid_Kyoto wrote:
Dear the Space Emporer
Are you trying to get rid of me?
Cordially
St. Celestine
Hieromartyr of the Palatine Crusade
Listen baby,
*Sigh* We've had some good times. Twin-linked inferno pistols, power armor saves for 11pt models, spending faith points on Divine Guidance, and of course that weekend on Sanctus Lys when we first met. It just makes this that much harder for me. For a while now, I've . . . I don't know, I've just felt that I've put so much into this relationship and I'm not sure if it's really worth it. I don't mean to be harsh, but you're kind of high maintenance. I know it's not your fault, you were just made that way. I guess I should have told you before now but I have been seeing other people for about the past six years. I think you should try and move on, too. Maybe one day we can try it again, maybe with that new codex you're always talking about and some plastic models. But for right now, I just think it's best for both of us to spend some time apart.
So very sad,
E
Thank my Golden Throne that's done with. Send Mephiston and Carbulo in--wait are you typing this out? You damn servitor, you stop when I sign the--
--------------
Deer Heeem-poor-rurr,
Hwee hweer wahndeering hwat tooothpayst hyoo hyoos. Hwe hyoos Hahc-whaa-fraysh. Eet taysts soo meeenteee.
For Kayhoss,
Culteesst-Chahn
20867
Post by: Just Dave
Manchu wrote:
Deer Heeem-poor-rurr,
Hwee hweer wahndeering hwat tooothpayst hyoo hyoos. Hwe hyoos Hahc-whaa-fraysh. Eet taysts soo meeenteee.
For Kayhoss,
Culteesst-Chahn
Dear Mr Cultist
I am very concerned about the quality of your grammar and spelling. You should try the Imperium's education, it's quite delightful! Also, if you want truly ground-breaking and AI like intelligence* have you considered the Imperium's Servitor-Scheme?
Now onto the matter at hand, I use the better quality Imperium Toothepaste, it makes my breath smell Heaven[doesn't exist, as per laws of the Imperium]ly whilst achieving truly ground-breaking whiteness only achievable by demigods. Have you considered becoming an Imperial Citizen? All citizens of the Imperium get discounted Imperium Toothepaste and increased rights and free military training**.
Good Luck with your cult-type-business, please contact again if you want any advice about becoming an imperial citizen, it can really 'smooth' out your cult needs and give you real direction towards true, Imperial, enlightenment.
Yours Sincerly, Mr Emporer. Ceo of Imperium Ltd.
*AI like intelligence, not guaranteed. Control of body and/or actions not guaranteed. Maintaining of current appearance, not gauranteed.
**Free Military Training leads to enrolement in the Imperiums Imperial Guard and probable off-world action. Life Insurance doesn't apply to any deaths as part of the Imperial Guard.
--------
Dearest, Daddy.
Can I please get a golden throne? Although can I have mine blue with a gold trim and big ol' 'U' symbols on it? I mean, her I am, floating in a stasis tank whilst you get to sit there all la-dee-daa on your golden throne! It's just not fair, I helped you conquer the galaxy and then defended it whilst you took a nap! I even wrote a big ol' book about how to defend your galaxy! And what do I get out of it?! I get stabbed, that's what! By your son! Some way to say thanks.
Now, I still show unwavering loyalty towards you, but I feel I deserve something for my efforts. I feel like I'm a Samwise to your Frodo; simply getting nothing while you get all the credit for being useless anyway.
Also, if it's not asking for too much can I also have some blinds put in or something?! You get some big ol' doors and a loada' custodes to stop people gawping at you! What do I get? Nothing! I simply have random tourists come past and stare, I've said it before and I'll say it again. It's not fair!
Also, how about a holiday?! If Russ and Khan and the like can go on holiday, what about me?! I don't see them writing you a big ol' book or defending most of your big ol' galaxy!
Yours Demandingly, Roboute Guilliman
16387
Post by: Manchu
@Just Dave: Cultist-Chan is a girl :(
Just Dave wrote:Dearest, Daddy.
Can I please get a golden throne? Although can I have mine blue with a gold trim and big ol' 'U' symbols on it? I mean, her I am, floating in a stasis tank whilst you get to sit there all la-dee-daa on your golden throne! It's just not fair, I helped you conquer the galaxy and then defended it whilst you took a nap! I even wrote a big ol' book about how to defend your galaxy! And what do I get out of it?! I get stabbed, that's what! By your son! Some way to say thanks.
Now, I still show unwavering loyalty towards you, but I feel I deserve something for my efforts. I feel like I'm a Samwise to your Frodo; simply getting nothing while you get all the credit for being useless anyway.
Also, if it's not asking for too much can I also have some blinds put in or something?! You get some big ol' doors and a loada' custodes to stop people gawping at you! What do I get? Nothing! I simply have random tourists come past and stare, I've said it before and I'll say it again. It's not fair!
Also, how about a holiday?! If Russ and Khan and the like can go on holiday, what about me?! I don't see them writing you a big ol' book or defending most of your big ol' galaxy!
Yours Demandingly, Roboute Guilliman
Dear Bobby,
Of course daddy will buy you a big golden chair just like daddy's because you're daddy's big boy, yes you are. And daddy looked at your book, Bobby. I'm so proud of you, keeping all the colors inside of the lines! I put it up on the Golden Refrigerator so I can look at it every time I get myself some juice or the soul of a Psyker. What's that about Frodo? Now, Roboute Guilliman, what did daddy say about watching Lord of the Rings? Remember last time when you were crying so hard about Gandalf that you wet all over your Ultra-blanky and ruined that drop pod-shaped bed I got you for Empramas? If you want to go on holiday, be a good boy. No more scary movies and certainly not before nappy times in the stasis field!
I'll be in to tuck you in soon,
Daddy E
--------------
Greetings! Most Exalted Ruler of the Etherous Heavens,
After uniting all men under my own banner of glorious victory and founding an Empire to withstand even the foul depredations of Chaos, I ascended to godhood. Forgive my presumption, but I am wondering if we have met before. You seem so awfully familiar.
Blessings of Me,
Sigmar
10054
Post by: Death Gear
Greetings! Most Exalted Ruler of the Etherous Heavens,
After uniting all men under my own banner of glorious victory and founding an Empire to withstand even the foul depredations of Chaos, I ascended to godhood. Forgive my presumption, but I am wondering if we have met before. You seem so awfully familiar.
Blessings of Me,
Sigmar
I think we were in college too geather it's been a long time we need to meet some time but that's hard fore me, I'm stuck at work all the time 
Your bud, The Space Emporer
Dear Space Emperor
I was wondering if we could be friends with the Tau thay are so nice and smart. It was just a idea but pleas think about it it would help us allot in dark times.
Your smart Gard man.
518
Post by: Kid_Kyoto
Death Gear wrote:
Dear Space Emperor
I was wondering if we could be friends with the Tau thay are so nice and smart. It was just a idea but pleas think about it it would help us allot in dark times.
Your smart Gard man.
Dear Mr. Man
If by Tau you mean the residents of Imperial Penal Colony Tau Epsilon-9 then no, you may not be friends with them for they are traitors, heretics and jaywalkers.
If by Tau you mean a certain race of vagina-headed blue fishmen then heck, why not. According to this intelligence report I got just 2 or 3 centuries back they are a harmless primative people we could knock over in a week. They certainly cannot produce portable electronics, compact cars or high-quality animated entertainment.
Yours Omnicently
The Emp
Master,
I am writing you today about a personal problem. There is a woman I work with, let's just call her C. She's been seeing this guy for several years and he makes a lot of promises, plastic models, a new codex, the works. But he never delivers. Heck this week he practically told her to get lost so he could see someone else.
Meanwhile here I am, working with her every day. Whether she needs help carrying in her groceries or purging the heretics I'm there for her. Now I know I'm a man of humble means but my Throne of Judgement is fully paid off and I do have a top of the line flying skull thing.
But she just can't see that her boyfriend is stringing her along.
What can I do?
Yours in service
Inquisitor Lord Karamazov
The Pyrophant Judge of Salem Proctor
14070
Post by: SagesStone
Kid_Kyoto wrote:Master,
I am writing you today about a personal problem. There is a woman I work with, let's just call her C. She's been seeing this guy for several years and he makes a lot of promises, plastic models, a new codex, the works. But he never delivers. Heck this week he practically told her to get lost so he could see someone else.
Meanwhile here I am, working with her every day. Whether she needs help carrying in her groceries or purging the heretics I'm there for her. Now I know I'm a man of humble means but my Throne of Judgement is fully paid off and I do have a top of the line flying skull thing.
But she just can't see that her boyfriend is stringing her along.
What can I do?
Yours in service
Inquisitor Lord Karamazov
The Pyrophant Judge of Salem Proctor
Dear Karmaz,
How the hell did you get the keys to the Throne of Judgement? Horus came along and dented in the side of it with his Land Raider, honestly the guy doesn't have any insurance. Last time I saw it I left it with the local repair shop, although Horus did come along about a week later to discuss "paying the repair bill". Anyway in that week I learned I had made the biggest misjudgement, something later that would come with a great cost to me. The Enginseers called me a few days before Hours showed up here, turns out the Throne had somehow backed out of the window, after it was repaired, I have a picture of where they kept it here.
Anyway the lession here is never trust your local mechanics, I'm sure this solves all your problems.
The Emperor.
Dear the Emperor of mankind,
I have recently decided to change the symbol of the Ultramarines legion to a more artistic and well better looking one.
Here it is.
I felt bad about just sitting back and writing a book while all the other legions fought by your side so I wanted to make up for it by making the Ultramarines look better. You see the ball is Terra and the stuff around it is the Ultramarines legion protecting Terra like some sort of aura of power. I got the idea from an old Terra show.
Anyway I'm sure it hasn't been used anywhere else and was wondering what you think.
Roboute Guilliman
PS: I hope my picture finds its way to the holy fridge of Terra as I worked ever so hard on this. In fact it made me late to a battle, but we got there just in time to see the end. We got a bunch of medals for it though.
16387
Post by: Manchu
Dear Bobby,
No. Because I said so.
Now take this medal for being such a big boy and go play with your buddies. I wish your siblings were more like you. There's some milk and cookies on the Golden Counter.
Confidently expecting to be unquestioningly obeyed,
YOUR FATHER
--------------
Master,
With all due obsequiousness, sire, I'm not sure that you addressed my question--unless perhaps I have not unraveled the deeper, more mystical layers of meaning in your sacred words? Allow me to rephrase the question, Majesty, in case the lowliness of my inquiry was heretofore beneath your Mighty Notice. I chastely admire a young lady with whom it is my unutterable pleasure to serve Your Holiness's glorious cause. And yet, despite her flawless devotion and theological enlightenment, I feel that her taste in men verges on the heretical. Her erstwhile beau is assuredly dishonoring her by philandering not to mention premising what I can only pray is merely an attempt to seduce her into impure relations on empty promises of material gain, disguising these vulgarities in a manner that leads the virtuous object of my attentions to believe herself and her infallibly noble cause taken seriously. Why, my righteous ire is so aggravated by the thought of the desecration of this immaculate flower of faith that I find myself having to burn a dozen heretics or more before I am able to fully enjoy a fine day of burning heretics. And even then, the merest whiff of sweet promethium wafting from her halo-lit hair . . . the serenity she radiates while bestowing Your Mercy upon the penitent . . . the flush of her porcelain cheeks after dispatching yet another legion of traitors . . . it is enough to make this zealous Puritan suspect himself of sinful indulgence. For the sake of my soul, I beseech you Master help me in this dark night! I feel as though I could come to some agreement with this perfidious cad. Clearly, he does not return the affections of this lovely living saint and would like nothing better than to be rid of her, although I cannot imagine why. What are your thoughts?
A humble slave of Your Divine Will,
Karamazov
21886
Post by: Turbo10k
Dear Karamazov,
You were engineeeeered to baaaattle, no to wriiiiite. Get back to the xenos and stop with the long excrutiatingly unreadable letters!
Back to work, dammit!
The Goddam Gene Architect
PS: It was a Simpsons movie pun. Yer, the Swachie one.
______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Der Emprah,
I'm a Ork. U send da Speuhs Mawheens to beat da boys. I was thinkin'. It 'urt my 'ead to think, but I do cos this is a impoutant matter. Wy you beat da boys up? We were 'avin' fun and yer blue boys in amor come shoota' an' killa' the boys. So I beg ya sinceweerly, don't sand da speuhs mawheens beat the boys. What you big emprah say on dis impoutant matter? Cos we all black 'n' blue from yer beatin's. We used to be all green back then...
Da ork
16387
Post by: Manchu
Hideous Greenskin,
Just as planned. (That's right.)
With Wrath,
Imperator Omnipotens
--------------
Emperor,
All we want is a chance. Is that so much?
LIVII
14070
Post by: SagesStone
Manchu wrote:Emperor,
All we want is a chance. Is that so much?
LIVII
Dear LIVII,
Yes it is too much. In my day we weren't even given the time of day and we were fine.
Emperor.
Dear Emperor,
That last letter you sent kind of upset Karmaz. Seriously he won't stop crying. I've heard reports that he has locked himself in his room with his Throne of Judgement. I'm just glad that the Ordos Malleus only has to meet with the Ordos Hereticus every two weeks. Anyway could you please make him stop +++CENSORED IN HIS NAME+++ and start burning witches again? The Ordos Malleus is for removing the threat of the foul beasts beyond this world, we are busy enough without having to also do the Ordos Hereticus' duty.
Your faithful servant,
Lord Inquisitor Torquemada Coteaz of the Ordos Malleus
PS: Rumors usually lead to deceit, but did he really kind of steal that Throne of Judgement from you?
16387
Post by: Manchu
Torq,
Ordos Malleus? No way! I thought you were some kind of Space Marine. Okay, good to know, I guess.
Well, K says he needed some love so I gave him some tough love. I think he's just bored, you know. Ever since we got rid of LotD, it's been kinda quiet for Hereticus. Everybody needs a hobby to soak up the down time. You've got that bird (although I thought you were in the Golden Hawks Chapter or whatevs), little Bobby has his toy soldiers, Creed has that swimming pool with the Titans, etc, etc. K never took an interest in anything besides his work so I expected something like this.
And to set the record straight, he didn't steal the Judgment Throne. I gave it to him thinking he might take an interest in fixing it up. He worked on it for a while but I think it must have been Celestine that distracted him. I can see why he'd be into her (total prude, by the way) but something else would just distract him and then . . . then she'd be my problem all over again.
With paternal concern,
Empra
P.S.: You're being a bit of an Eldrad, by the way.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Mon'keigh Archon,
LIVII showed me your response to his letter. I'm not confident that you'll understand why, but thanks.
Taldeer
21886
Post by: Turbo10k
Dear Taldeer
The Emperor of Mankind in all His Holiness has more important business to Attend to.
The Emperor
***
Dear Emprah,
I stink but I ain't 'ideous...And I 'old ya...We boyz ain't green anymore 'rom the batterin'. Give da Speuhs Mawheen a break, will ya. Methinks we gotta bash em blue cheese once an' for all! Waaaagh! Waaaagh! Waaaagh!
Pee.sss.: Where are da weak points, me brainy boyz ain't figured it out.
Da Greenskin
14070
Post by: SagesStone
Turbo10k wrote:Dear Emprah,
I stink but I ain't 'ideous...And I 'old ya...We boyz ain't green anymore 'rom the batterin'. Give da Speuhs Mawheen a break, will ya. Methinks we gotta bash em blue cheese once an' for all! Waaaagh! Waaaagh! Waaaagh!
Pee.sss.: Where are da weak points, me brainy boyz ain't figured it out.
Da Greenskin
Dear Da Greenskin,
Nice try but do you really think I would be that... Wait a second the blue one are the ones you're after?
I've enclosed the co-ordinates to bobby's *sigh* "Super Spectacular Fortress of the Ultramines who are really great". Why did I let them name their fortresses...
Anyway they have insane luck, but I'm sure you'll at least keep him from writing me anymore stupid letters for a little while. Also for the weak point, aim for the Drapes of the Ultamar. You can't miss them.
The Emperor
Dear the Emperor,
AWWW! Why not? Corax said it was good, so did Sanguinius. Why don't you like it?
Roboute Guilliman
21886
Post by: Turbo10k
Reboute, do not provoke me! You will not like me when I am angry!
Your Emperor
***
Dear humble ruler of mankind,
Ha hum, I have been going through our archives and I have hum found a rather disturbing error on your part. Ahh humm, you name yourself emperor yet this 'Imperium' seems hum rather to be a collection of worlds under theocratic rule by a non-present head of state, seemingly a humm religious figure, and held together by a highly organised ahh military force. That seems you would need a humm change of title... A more appropriate one would be Pharaoh. I may be mistaken for my ahh personal library is well over ten millennia old and humm several confidential and highly important documents have herrr disintegrated... Correct me if I am wrong, for my sources say you have a more ahh humm complete library than mine...
A wondering wandering Neutral entity of the Warp
20867
Post by: Just Dave
Turbo10k wrote:
Dear humble ruler of mankind,
Ha hum, I have been going through our archives and I have hum found a rather disturbing error on your part. Ahh humm, you name yourself emperor yet this 'Imperium' seems hum rather to be a collection of worlds under theocratic rule by a non-present head of state, seemingly a humm religious figure, and held together by a highly organised ahh military force. That seems you would need a humm change of title... A more appropriate one would be Pharaoh. I may be mistaken for my ahh personal library is well over ten millennia old and humm several confidential and highly important documents have herrr disintegrated... Correct me if I am wrong, for my sources say you have a more ahh humm complete library than mine...
A wondering wandering Neutral entity of the Warp
Dearest Entityest Warp-thingy,
While it is true that there are many worlds within my glorious Imperium and that some of them are more, shall we say 'detached' from the greater go-- I mean, the goal of the Imperium and humanity itself, faith is what bind the imperium together, faith in the glorious emperor (ME!). Well faith and the adamantium boot of the nobel adeptus astartes!
If you wish, how about you provide me with your address and I'll send an Inquisit-- I mean, I'll send a copy of my records as proof?
Yours sincerest, the bestest Emperor-guy!
p.s. you sir are a good example of why we don't allow warp-things within the imperium!
------
Dear Big-ass dude!,
So yeah, who is all like, the Mrs Emperor like? I bet she is well fit! I mean, like, you could probz choose from all the women in the galaxy ite? So surely, you would like, choose the 'ottest lady bout like, who has all like the biggest boobies like? I mean, common like man, you must love that kinda thing like? Your blinged up chair must have all those like cables to constantly play, like porn all the time ite? Commonz man, you can tell me! I is well trustful like! Common Mr Emperor dude, who is your Mrs? She must be hot-as! any chance of me having a go on 'er like mate? Cus like, you no, bro's before ho's ite?
Anywayz, I'll let you get on wid your porn watching like.}
Cyaz man!
Yourz reppinly, Gazza boy.
Like.
4395
Post by: Deadshane1
Just Dave wrote:
Dear Big-ass dude!,
So yeah, who is all like, the Mrs Emperor like? I bet she is well fit! I mean, like, you could probz choose from all the women in the galaxy ite? So surely, you would like, choose the 'ottest lady bout like, who has all like the biggest boobies like? I mean, common like man, you must love that kinda thing like? Your blinged up chair must have all those like cables to constantly play, like porn all the time ite? Commonz man, you can tell me! I is well trustful like! Common Mr Emperor dude, who is your Mrs? She must be hot-as! any chance of me having a go on 'er like mate? Cus like, you no, bro's before ho's ite?
Anywayz, I'll let you get on wid your porn watching like.}
Cyaz man!
Yourz reppinly, Gazza boy.
Like.
Dear Gazza boy,
I'm a corpse.
peace out my shizzle,
MC Emp'rur
..............................................................
Dear False Emperor,
Your attempt at popularising your puny Ultramarines Chapter with an actual movie will fail.
I shall beckon all the forces of chaos at my command and my ruinous powers of sorcery shall make this movie a total turd. My fell powers will have veteran 40k players cringe at the meerest mention of this abortion of a movie.
Mark my words, corpse-king, this movie will be horrible.
What now b!tch,
Lord Grakk of Chaos
5212
Post by: Gitzbitah
Just Dave wrote:
------
Dear Big-ass dude!,
So yeah, who is all like, the Mrs Emperor like? I bet she is well fit! I mean, like, you could probz choose from all the women in the galaxy ite? So surely, you would like, choose the 'ottest lady bout like, who has all like the biggest boobies like? I mean, common like man, you must love that kinda thing like? Your blinged up chair must have all those like cables to constantly play, like porn all the time ite? Commonz man, you can tell me! I is well trustful like! Common Mr Emperor dude, who is your Mrs? She must be hot-as! any chance of me having a go on 'er like mate? Cus like, you no, bro's before ho's ite?
Anywayz, I'll let you get on wid your porn watching like.}
Cyaz man!
Yourz reppinly, Gazza boy.
Like.
Gazza boyo,
I am the ruler of an entire galaxy! I consume thousands of psykers everyday just so chaos is held at bay! I made the Spehss Marinez! Hurr! I am not foolish enough to get 'tied down'! I never kiss and tell, or anything else. All I will say on this subject is that I've never understood why they're called the Sisters of Silence.
The Space Pimperor
+++++Censervitor engaged+++++
Oh great, and mighty Emprah, for whom we are so very, very angry,
I am using this unusually bright and intelligent servitor *smack* servitor to translate this, as I realize my normal manner of speaking is not appropriate for Imperial communications. Lately, I have begun using the dirty furries tactics with my forces. *smack*No, don't edit that out- that is me being polite! They have taken to it fairly well, and it certainly fits our angry mode of fighting better than that fine, stylish gentleman Girlyman's codex. I am having trouble finding suitable mounts. My Angry Marines object to having anything remotely furry between their legs. Given that our founder was driven mad by Battletoads 3, I thought that mounting them on toads would be a fair compromise and irritate the riders sufficiently that they would eviscerate, disembowel, and otherwise rip your enemies limb from limb. Is this heresy? I would have asked Commissar Fuklaw, but he is recovering from shooting himself for interrupting himself while practicing a rousing speech in the mirror. Fortunately it was just a ricochet.
Temperus Maximus, Angriest of the Angry Marines
14070
Post by: SagesStone
Gitzbitah wrote:+++++Censervitor engaged+++++
Oh great, and mighty Emprah, for whom we are so very, very angry,
I am using this unusually bright and intelligent servitor *smack* servitor to translate this, as I realize my normal manner of speaking is not appropriate for Imperial communications. Lately, I have begun using the dirty furries tactics with my forces. *smack*No, don't edit that out- that is me being polite! They have taken to it fairly well, and it certainly fits our angry mode of fighting better than that fine, stylish gentleman Girlyman's codex. I am having trouble finding suitable mounts. My Angry Marines object to having anything remotely furry between their legs. Given that our founder was driven mad by Battletoads 3, I thought that mounting them on toads would be a fair compromise and irritate the riders sufficiently that they would eviscerate, disembowel, and otherwise rip your enemies limb from limb. Is this heresy? I would have asked Commissar Fuklaw, but he is recovering from shooting himself for interrupting himself while practicing a rousing speech in the mirror. Fortunately it was just a ricochet.
Temperus Maximus, Angriest of the Angry Marines
Dear Temperus Maximus,
Using the furries tactics? Really? I am very disappointed, not because you have abandoned Bobby's *sigh* "guidelines", but because you went with something far far more sadder than actually reading that book. No one reads his book you see, they just smile and say "That's a nice book Bobby, I'm going to follow your tactical genius as it will surely lead us to victory". Why did you think you had to have an animal as a mount? We have bikes for a reason, because they're way cooler than horses. Only Bobby likes horses, but you probably already know how much he disappoints me every day. Maybe bikes with flaming chainsaw wheels? That'll show that Doomrider!
The Emperor of Mankind
Dear Emperor of Mankind,
All your recent letters to me have been kind of mean. Do you hate me?
Roboute Guilliman
20867
Post by: Just Dave
n0t_u wrote:Dear Emperor of Mankind,
All your recent letters to me have been kind of mean. Do you hate me?
Roboute Guilliman
Dear Son #13,
Yes, you and your buddies are taking all the glory! I mean, sheesh, yeah ok, you're cool, you're knightly, you're pretty kickass, but damn! Let the White-Scars or whoever get a little bit of the lime-light!
P.S. where were you at the seige of Terra anyway?! we demi-gods can hold one helluva grudge! The Imperial Fists, they were there. The White-Scars, they were there. The Blood Angels, they were there. But no, where were you?! the biggest f***ing Legion of them all!
Yours Grudgingly,
Emperorificator.
---------
Dear Mr Emperor,
How did you and Sanguinus keep your hair so soft and shiney? Now I would Imagine you're worth more than Loreal, so what is it?! Mr Sheen mixed in with Tresemme and psyker liver?
I know Leman Russ use's mead, comb, rinse and repeat and that does a good job, but leaves an odd after-scent, but what do you use?
Your's sincerely
Inquisitor Hairy-Coarsey Locks.
21886
Post by: Turbo10k
Inquisitor Hairy-Coarsey Locks,
I use my psychic powers to keep my hair down and dirt out.
The Emperor, Part-Time Hair model
***
Dear Emperor,
You're dead, a vegetable on life support man. How comes its been thousands of years now and you ain't rottin yet. How did you do that man? My supreme beloved Love Queen of Jazz has been dead for a day and she's so full of gases, she's already wider than her record when she was 16, man. Come on, don't be so much of a plant and gimme the methods man. I'll dedicate my latest Ultimate Smooth Jazz song to ya iof you show and tell, you dig?
The Ultimate King of Love and Smooth Jazz 'n' Soul
14070
Post by: SagesStone
Turbo10k wrote:Dear Emperor,
You're dead, a vegetable on life support man. How comes its been thousands of years now and you ain't rottin yet. How did you do that man? My supreme beloved Love Queen of Jazz has been dead for a day and she's so full of gases, she's already wider than her record when she was 16, man. Come on, don't be so much of a plant and gimme the methods man. I'll dedicate my latest Ultimate Smooth Jazz song to ya iof you show and tell, you dig?
The Ultimate King of Love and Smooth Jazz 'n' Soul
Dear TUKoLaSJnS,
My method is quite easy. First you need to convince the Adeptus Mechanius that you are the physical manifestation of their machin god, the Omnisiah. This way when you die they'll build you up a fancy golden throne which brings me to step two; souls. The throne is powered by souls, everyday millions of psykers are sent to me on the black ships of the Inquisition. Then once they get here they're sorted, the rejects get absorbed by the throne. This way if I just manage to devour the souls of a million innocents that in no way have done any damage I manage to sort of stay alive and spend time replying to letters like this one.
The Emperor of Mankind
PS: It took the power of aproximately 92837 souls to power the creation of this message.
Dear Emperor of the Monkeighs,
In the past long before you species even evolved from single cell organisms my people created the Maiden Worlds. But, time and time again you monkeighs constantly come to these planets and make your homes there. We might go to visit old Eldrad only to come back to find that our home has been taken over by some hobos, as you monkeigh say. So I ask this of you, politely, can you keep your grubby little children off of our lawn.
Farseer Bel-Korhadris
17718
Post by: Drk_Oblitr8r
n0t_u wrote:Dear Emperor of the Monkeighs,
In the past long before you species even evolved from single cell organisms my people created the Maiden Worlds. But, time and time again you monkeighs constantly come to these planets and make your homes there. We might go to visit old Eldrad only to come back to find that our home has been taken over by some hobos, as you monkeigh say. So I ask this of you, politely, can you keep your grubby little children off of our lawn.
Farseer Bel-Korhadris
Dear hated Xeno. No. And do not consider taking action against our civillians. Our Imperial Clothing is 100% Plank of wood with a nail in it proof. Emperor-man-guy. ---------------------------------------------- Dear Emperor of Mankind. I've been thinking, and I think I know why you are as awesome as you are. Is your name Edward Cullen? Squeee, the Fantard.
518
Post by: Kid_Kyoto
Dear Emperor of Mankind.
I've been thinking, and I think I know why you are as awesome as you are.
Is your name Edward Cullen?
Squeee, the Fantard.
Dear 'tard
I am known by many names in many eras... I have been a king, a president, Miss California and even Governor of Alaska (though I quit early) so the answer to your question is...
!@@#$ed if I know. I used to keep a list but then it fell in the toilet and I can't even read the darn the thing anymore.
E
Most magnificent One
Today is Grimdark Friday, the first day of the Sacred Kwanzaa Holiday Shopping Season. Where can I get a good deal on a flat screen Vid or a portabable autocognator?
Sincerely
Shopper from Saturn
17718
Post by: Drk_Oblitr8r
Kid_Kyoto wrote:
Most magnificent One
Today is Grimdark Friday, the first day of the Sacred Kwanzaa Holiday Shopping Season. Where can I get a good deal on a flat screen Vid or a portabable autocognator?
Sincerely
Shopper from Saturn
Dear S from S
I highly reccomend you follow around a truck. As luck will have it, you may be luck enough to have it fall off a truck
E to H
========
Dear Emperor Cullen
After reading your response to my last letter I have come to a conclusion.
YOU ARE!!! Only Edward can be so dreamily cold. But that's ok, me and my 40000 friends are coming to keep you warm.
My questions is, can you give me some directions so me and my 40000 14 and under friends can find you?
With Love,
Squee, the Fantard.
21886
Post by: Turbo10k
Dear Emperor Cullen
After reading your response to my last letter I have come to a conclusion.
YOU ARE!!! Only Edward can be so dreamily cold. But that's ok, me and my 40000 friends are coming to keep you warm.
My questions is, can you give me some directions so me and my 40000 14 and under friends can find you?
With Love,
Squee, the Fantard.
Dear Beloved follower of ME,
Take your regular warp-drive equipped starship and find your tragectory translator. Punch in enough numbers to fill in the 16 spaces. If you get it wrong, wait any time from half second to half a millenium and start again. After 16^9 tries, you will surely get it right. Remember! All roads lead to Terra!
The Big ME
***
Dear Emperor
How do you take a leak? I mean, you are the universe's most powerful psychic human, powered by a few thousand souls a day, but, you still have to eat, drink, and the remains come out somewhere...Never have any references recorded you actually leaving the throne, so has it got like an integrated toilet seat or what?!
A curious fella
20901
Post by: Luke_Prowler
Dear Emperor
How do you take a leak? I mean, you are the universe's most powerful psychic human, powered by a few thousand souls a day, but, you still have to eat, drink, and the remains come out somewhere...Never have any references recorded you actually leaving the throne, so has it got like an integrated toilet seat or what?!
A curious fella
Dear Curious
To tell you the truth, I'm not 100% sure myself. Those tech heads have me hooked up to so many pipes and tubes and who know what else that I wouldn't be surprised that some of these widgets don't actually have a use. Considering that I feed on the souls of psykers, neither of us would want to know what the by-product of that is anyway.
Your Leader
Teh Space Emperor
***
Dear big spase boss
Me 'nd the boyz 'ave been wonderin': you wear this big yellow suit, and sit in a big yellow seat, and since everyone knows that things painted yellow gives it moar dakka, how much dakka do you have?
The Boyz
518
Post by: Kid_Kyoto
Dear Emperor
How do you take a leak? I mean, you are the universe's most powerful psychic human, powered by a few thousand souls a day, but, you still have to eat, drink, and the remains come out somewhere...Never have any references recorded you actually leaving the throne, so has it got like an integrated toilet seat or what?!
A curious fella
Dear Curious
For the high crime of even thinking of the Space Emporer's holy bodily functions you have been condemed for Heresy, Attempted Heresy, Considering Heresy and Committing Heresy.
The Family Inquisition
Beloved!
Thank you, thank you, thank you! Thank you for lending me your Weapons Grade Plutonium Card, you were right a little retail therapy was all I needed. On Grimdark Friday I got two Gap Skull bras for just $20 and new Power Stilletto Heels for just $50 and I got a new Flying Baby Thing for just $80! It was totally worth standing in line from 3 in the morning!
Anyway, I also wanted some advice. There's this guy I work with and he's always been nice to me, helping my carry in the groceries and melta'ing the occasional heretic land raider. But lately he's been a bit creepy, just sitting up there in this walking throne thing, trying to look down my top. Inviting over to his place for a night of 'mediation'. How can I make it clear I'm not interested but still get him to help out when I need someone to move furniture or zorch a Battlewagon?
St. Celestine
Hieromartyr of the Palatine Crusade
PS I have some leave for Kwanzaa so I was thinking we could both get away for a few days, go somewhere romantic, talk about our relationship and my new codex? how about it sweetums?
14070
Post by: SagesStone
Kid_Kyoto wrote:Beloved!
Thank you, thank you, thank you! Thank you for lending me your Weapons Grade Plutonium Card, you were right a little retail therapy was all I needed. On Grimdark Friday I got two Gap Skull bras for just $20 and new Power Stilletto Heels for just $50 and I got a new Flying Baby Thing for just $80! It was totally worth standing in line from 3 in the morning!
Anyway, I also wanted some advice. There's this guy I work with and he's always been nice to me, helping my carry in the groceries and melta'ing the occasional heretic land raider. But lately he's been a bit creepy, just sitting up there in this walking throne thing, trying to look down my top. Inviting over to his place for a night of 'mediation'. How can I make it clear I'm not interested but still get him to help out when I need someone to move furniture or zorch a Battlewagon?
St. Celestine
Hieromartyr of the Palatine Crusade
PS I have some leave for Kwanzaa so I was thinking we could both get away for a few days, go somewhere romantic, talk about our relationship and my new codex? how about it sweetums?
Dear St. Celestine,
What did the restraining order say? No contact with me and stay at least two solar systems away.
Wait, walking high chair? You mean Karmaz. How is he? Has he stopped that crying yet?
The Emperor
Dear Emperor,
I am a princess from the Imperial Solar System called Nigeriaum. My father the king is currently being held hostage by renegade Space Marines and they are demanding $1 million to free him. I have some of the money, but I am $5000 off. Can you please send $5000 to me to free him. Once he is free he will be able to reward you greatly.
Nigeriaum Princess in serious trouble.
PS: Serious trouble, please help
15002
Post by: Vulkan_He'stan
n0t_u wrote:
Dear Emperor,
I am a princess from the Imperial Solar System called Nigeriaum. My father the king is currently being held hostage by renegade Space Marines and they are demanding $1 million to free him. I have some of the money, but I am $5000 off. Can you please send $5000 to me to free him. Once he is free he will be able to reward you greatly.
Nigeriaum Princess in serious trouble.
PS: Serious trouble, please help
i will send the ultramarines 1st 2nd and 3rd company
if he is kill i take no responsibility for it hmhmh blame calgar hmhmh
yes we will free him
from the emperor
dear the emperor
aparently wine gums are alcoholic
should i still eat them
from Vulkan He'stan
20867
Post by: Just Dave
Vulkan_He'stan wrote:
dear the emperor
aparently wine gums are alcoholic
should i still eat them
from Vulkan He'stan
Dear Vulkan,
I always thought you were a smart one, but you seem to be contradicting such thinking, as a Space Marine your body will be immune to almost any kind of toxin or alcohol and as such Wine Gums should not have an alcohol-related effect on you. This means that yes, feel free to eat them! Just remember to share, I've heard about you hogging everything such as all the good special rules or Primarch's artefacts!
Also - other than the apparent alcohol not affecting you - you should most certainly eat wine gums because they're so damn tasty! I like to make sure all psykers eat wine gums before I eat them to add to the flavour.
Your's Tastefully, The God Maynard Emperor.
--------
Dear Lordy,
As it is Christmas soon, I recognise you should soon be getting off that big ol' golden throne of yours, collecting the presents your custodes have made and then delivering them around the universe as you always do. I look forward to your arrival in our system with great anticipation...
For Christmas can I please have a pair of balls as I seem to be lacking some at the moment, It would be greatly appreciated from me and all the other men and they would significantly help with our efforts to despoil worlds. Also, if asking for a pair is not too much, can you please also provide me with another black-stone fortress, some more traito--- troops and can you please, please, PLEASE relocate Creed to another system, he's just showing off really.
Finally, can I also have my Daddy back please?
Yours Merrylly Christmasilly Ezekyle Abba---- Marneus Calgooor.
15002
Post by: Vulkan_He'stan
Just Dave wrote:
Dear Lordy,
As it is Christmas soon, I recognise you should soon be getting off that big ol' golden throne of yours, collecting the presents your custodes have made and then delivering them around the universe as you always do. I look forward to your arrival in our system with great anticipation...
For Christmas can I please have a pair of balls as I seem to be lacking some at the moment, It would be greatly appreciated from me and all the other men and they would significantly help with our efforts to despoil worlds. Also, if asking for a pair is not too much, can you please also provide me with another black-stone fortress, some more traito--- troops and can you please, please, PLEASE relocate Creed to another system, he's just showing off really.
Finally, can I also have my Daddy back please?
Yours Merrylly Christmasilly Ezekyle Abba---- Marneus Calgooor.
to calgar
all your getting is a lump of diamond. i know i can be realy harsh somtimes
hehehe sucker vulkan gets the next clue on how to find more of the artifacts
whos your daddy again cant remember that one but NO!!!!
from the emperor
--------------------
dear to emperor
sorry the emperor that was calgar as the last one
at the moment i have a temptation to kill him
what should i do????
also i did some stuff with a sister im not proud of what should i do???
from Vulkan He'stan
518
Post by: Kid_Kyoto
dear to emperor
sorry the emperor that was calgar as the last one
at the moment i have a temptation to kill him
what should i do????
also i did some stuff with a sister im not proud of what should i do???
from Vulkan He'stan
OH THANK THE SWEET SPACE EMPORER (who is me), I thought I was the only one! I mean y'know how he sits in the staff meetings and cracks his power knuckles, or how he goes on and on about how everyone wishes they were an Ultramarine or how now he's a 'god of war' all of the sudden, I mean what's up with that?
I'm like dude, there's only one god here at the table and that's me! And then he gets all huffy...
Sorry kid I remember when you were a quadraplegic with a half eldar-librarian. You can try and cover it up but I remember!
So I guess what I'm saying is if a whole bunch of twin-linked meltas went off in his vicinity, I wouldn't mind too, too much.
(note: this conversation never happened)
The Emp
----------------------------------
Dear the Space Emperor
I offer my greeting and my thanks. I know this is a bit premature since nothing has been announced yet but as soon as I heard I knew I had to write and thank you.
Last week our Librarian was checking the Space Emperor's Space Tarot and had a vision! A vision of a new codex! He could not see it clearly but he could see a red gauntlet!
Well who else could that be but the Chapter that made red gauntlets fashionable, the Crimson Fists! After all we were on the cover of the 3rd edition Codex, not to mention Rogue Trader itself so who else could it be!
I thought we might be out of your good graces after accidentally blowing up our own fortress monestary but we both know accidents happen.
If you have time I'd like to stop by on Tuesday and talk about some ideas I have. I was thinking maybe we could swap the squad heavy weapon for a powerfist, I mean we are the Crimson FISTS after all. And maybe we could hit Orks on a 3+, I mean I sure hate them enough! And I have this idea for a land raider varient with giant power fists on the front, I call it the Land Raider FISTER!
So uh, is 11 good for you?
Sincerely and with humble gratitude,
Pedro Cantor
9407
Post by: Lint
Dear the Space Emperor
I offer my greeting and my thanks. I know this is a bit premature since nothing has been announced yet but as soon as I heard I knew I had to write and thank you.
Last week our Librarian was checking the Space Emperor's Space Tarot and had a vision! A vision of a new codex! He could not see it clearly but he could see a red gauntlet!
Well who else could that be but the Chapter that made red gauntlets fashionable, the Crimson Fists! After all we were on the cover of the 3rd edition Codex, not to mention Rogue Trader itself so who else could it be!
I thought we might be out of your good graces after accidentally blowing up our own fortress monestary but we both know accidents happen.
If you have time I'd like to stop by on Tuesday and talk about some ideas I have. I was thinking maybe we could swap the squad heavy weapon for a powerfist, I mean we are the Crimson FISTS after all. And maybe we could hit Orks on a 3+, I mean I sure hate them enough! And I have this idea for a land raider varient with giant power fists on the front, I call it the Land Raider FISTER!
So uh, is 11 good for you?
Sincerely and with humble gratitude,
Pedro Cantor
Dear Pete,
Sounds like you have some awesome ideas! Unfortunately I already have a cuple of units named "the fister" and they will indeed soon be "fisting" your codex. Matter of fact I'm going to come out and proclaim right now that if and when you finally get a codex, all of the loyal Crimson Fist followers out there will feel fisted like they've never been fisted before.
Oh what a glorious day of fisting it shall be, so sayeth me.
Dear empro,
So me and the guys were all having drinks last night, getting a little wild you know? All of a sudden the commissar walks in, and the place goes quiet. We were scared sh*tless, you know? So then the commissar says "no, no, you guys are fine. Next round's on me." So he buys us all these wierd drinks where you drop some kind of pill in it, then down the glass. I think he called them "ass-hurts." After that everything is fuzzy, I think I blacked out for awhile. Anyways, this morning I woke up, and sure enough, my ass really hurt. Now the commissar is walking around with a wicked grin on his face, patting everybody on the rear, and saying "keep it tight." What the feth is going on?
Sincerely,
Asore Trooper
12061
Post by: halonachos
Dear Trroper.
It seems that your commissar has betrayed the ways of the emperor. In the first place I would never put pills in anyone's drink in order to make an "ass-hurts". Secondly it seems that he has fallen from imperial doctrine into either an ancient-long-forgotten doctrine or into a slightly less ancient doctrine. First look to see if he has any chaos markings and then check to see if he has a cross on them. If he has a chaos marking tell your local inquisitor as he is devoted to slaanesh. If he has a cross tell your local inquisitor as he is devoted to Capholicism, Capricornism, Catherism, or something like that.
Teh Space Emp.
Yo Blingin Space Guy,
I was chillin wit my homies and I got a letta from my unk sayin dat he was gointa giv me some extra moolah for some work I been doin for him. So I wants ta know, what I shoul spendit on? I'm thinkin a huge titan wit gold clocks and blingin purple velvet on the armor. I woulds call it Lasa Las's Pimperator Titan, and it would make all the homies in the galaxy gelus.
You's in the hood,
Lasa Las.
21886
Post by: Turbo10k
halonachos wrote:
Yo Blingin Space Guy,
I was chillin wit my homies and I got a letta from my unk sayin dat he was gointa giv me some extra moolah for some work I been doin for him. So I wants ta know, what I shoul spendit on? I'm thinkin a huge titan wit gold clocks and blingin purple velvet on the armor. I woulds call it Lasa Las's Pimperator Titan, and it would make all the homies in the galaxy gelus.
You's in the hood,
Lasa Las.
Dear Misled Youth
It seems Pimpertor is copyrighted by Arnold Swachenegger when attending a party. He prefers T600-grey to purple however. You ar however required to replace some that weighty bling with my own icons. You have the entire range of 40k Black Skull icons or the Grey Imperator Eagle blaze. You even get to choose!
Emperor
***
Dear Emperor
Where is Santa? Is he dead, or a creature of the warp (explains much everything) or what?! BTW, he ain't givin' presents since I was 5!
Party people
15002
Post by: Vulkan_He'stan
Turbo10k wrote:
Dear Emperor
Where is Santa? Is he dead, or a creature of the warp (explains much everything) or what?! BTW, he ain't givin' presents since I was 5!
Party people
dear party people
as you may or may not know santa is acctualy a deamon of khorne and slaanesh
i currently have a phsyker traking his position
from the emperor
******
to the space emperor
hi its vulkan again
can i kill calgar????
would you mind if a few meltaguns went off in his direction????
and also can i have a few more clues to the artifacts please??
and finly i hope to meet you soon
from vulkan he'stan
518
Post by: Kid_Kyoto
to the space emperor
hi its vulkan again
can i kill calgar????
would you mind if a few meltaguns went off in his direction????
and also can i have a few more clues to the artifacts please??
and finly i hope to meet you soon
from vulkan he'stan
Dear Vulcan, I didn't say that. No one said that. Do you understand. That conversation never, ever, happened. As for artifacts, check back with me in a few weeks. Maybe we can meet up at, I dunno, a military funeral or something. Signed The Subtle Emporer +++ Dear the generous and handsome Emporer of Space,
Well d'uh, everyone knows Santa is a Daemon. I mean just rearrange a few letters in his name.
What about Father Kwanzaa? He's cool right?
This year I want Father Kwanzaa to bring me a Space Marine Dream Fortress with missiles and a closet and a hot tub, new missions for my Warhammer 2k army and a My Lil Bolter set for my little sister.
Also please, please, please bring back daddy. He's been gone fighting the Space Demons a long long time and mommy is worried.
Signed
Cadian Kid
15002
Post by: Vulkan_He'stan
Kid_Kyoto wrote:
Dear the generous and handsome Emporer of Space,
Well d'uh, everyone knows Santa is a Daemon. I mean just rearrange a few letters in his name.
What about Father Kwanzaa? He's cool right?
This year I want Father Kwanzaa to bring me a Space Marine Dream Fortress with missiles and a closet and a hot tub, new missions for my Warhammer 2k army and a My Lil Bolter set for my little sister.
Also please, please, please bring back daddy. He's been gone fighting the Space Demons a long long time and mommy is worried.
Signed
Cadian Kid
dear cadian kid
father kwanza who the hell is he????
anyways its not him delivers the presents
its me
um yea ill bring you the stuff you want
as long as youve been good and killed a few chaos
from the emperor
*******
2 da empror
why is we so grren?????
we love you in orky land
we worshp u
frm gagskul
20700
Post by: IvanTih
Dear the Space Emporer,
Why to do the people often miswrite your name,
Why is the Adeptus Mechanicus mostly stangant and why can't we have better weapons
From guardsmen IvanTih.
518
Post by: Kid_Kyoto
Vulkan_He'stan wrote:
2 da empror
why is we so grren?????
we love you in orky land
we worshp u
frm gagskul
IvanTih wrote:Dear the Space Emporer,
Why to do the people often miswrite your name,
Why is the Adeptus Mechanicus mostly stangant and why can't we have better weapons
From guardsmen IvanTih.
Hmm. I see the sorting servitor had mucked things up again, hitting me with two questions at once!
Fortunately my nigh omnipotent powers enable me to meet this challenge.
The answers are 42, it's not a tumor and yes they are gay. All of them. Gay.
I think that takes care of that.
The Emp of Space
++++++++++++++++++++
My Master,
I recently learned that this chick I was banging had two shorties a couple of years back and it looks like I'm the daddy.
Do you think I should try and meet up with them or stay out of the picture? I know it's the stand up thing to do but it's so awkward. Plus I heard they're running with the wrong crowd.
Sincerely,
Inquisitor Vader
14854
Post by: Anshal
]My Master,
I recently learned that this chick I was banging had two shorties a couple of years back and it looks like I'm the daddy.
Do you think I should try and meet up with them or stay out of the picture? I know it's the stand up thing to do but it's so awkward. Plus I heard they're running with the wrong crowd.
Sincerely,
Inquisitor Vader[/b]
Sigh, where should I start. first of all denial always worked for me, just look at Sagnious, no one knowns Nurgel is his father, but Im wandering of topic here.
Say NO to the vile wnech and her spwan, purge if necesery
Yours in denial
the space man
518
Post by: Kid_Kyoto
(sigh... people seem to be missing how to play, remember you not only have to answer the question above but ask one too)
Dear the Space Emporer
I know that our great Space Empire of Spacial Imperialism is fighting several wars, AND faced with an economic crisis caused by the crash in the price of Franklin Mint Lord of the Rings Collectors' Plates AND debating whether or now poor people should be allowed to have med kits but we must STOP EVERYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I have learned that a FAMOUS GOLFER has driven his car 100 meters and crashed!
We must immediately get to the bottom of this mystery!
Plus I have learned that this bald dude and a blond chick attended a party, WITHOUT AN INVITE!
Please help us get to the bottom of this, even if it takes many, many months.
Signed
Reporter on Risa
21886
Post by: Turbo10k
YEP. Listen to the guy.
Kid_Kyoto wrote:(sigh... people seem to be missing how to play, remember you not only have to answer the question above but ask one too)
Dear the Space Emporer
I know that our great Space Empire of Spacial Imperialism is fighting several wars, AND faced with an economic crisis caused by the crash in the price of Franklin Mint Lord of the Rings Collectors' Plates AND debating whether or now poor people should be allowed to have med kits but we must STOP EVERYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I have learned that a FAMOUS GOLFER has driven his car 100 meters and crashed!
We must immediately get to the bottom of this mystery!
Plus I have learned that this bald dude and a blond chick attended a party, WITHOUT AN INVITE!
Please help us get to the bottom of this, even if it takes many, many months.
Signed
Reporter on Risa
Dear Reporter...
I'm sure my inquisitors would like to investigate this heretical act of 'golfing' and bad navigational skills of what I suppose to be a dishonoured Imperial Guard Officer. The most common bald dudes have a title too....The are the Defenders of Humanity...Space Marines...They're not allowed to be with bad chicks or in parties either! I WILL get to the bottom of this surely.
EMPEROR yeah that me!
Dear Emprah
How should I coook uhamns? You should surely know!
HUNGRY
15002
Post by: Vulkan_He'stan
Turbo10k wrote:
Dear Emprah
How should I coook uhamns? You should surely know!
HUNGRY
who are you and no i dont owe any debts
who is this uhamns you speak of
from da empra
dear the emperor
for christmas could you bring me
a fortress of redemption without the angels on make it a salamander
from vulkan
518
Post by: Kid_Kyoto
dear the emperor
for christmas could you bring me
a fortress of redemption without the angels on make it a salamander
from vulkan
Dear Vulkan What is the Chris-T-Mas you speak off? Is it anything like the Sacred Feast of Kwanzaa? As for presents you have to check with your mom and da- I mean uh, Father Kwanzaa of course. Regards Kwanzaa Fan #1 +++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Dear the Emporer of Space I'm a Space Commissar in the Space Guard of Imperial Space so I always need to look good. Nothings more embarassing than arriving a new assignment and finding out the Latrine Orderly is wearing more skulls than you are. I just got a new coat, do you think it's over the top?  Sincerely Fashion Conscious Commissar
21886
Post by: Turbo10k
Kid_Kyoto wrote:
Dear the Emporer of Space
I'm a Space Commissar in the Space Guard of Imperial Space so I always need to look good. Nothings more embarassing than arriving a new assignment and finding out the Latrine Orderly is wearing more skulls than you are.
I just got a new coat, do you think it's over the top?
Sincerely
Fashion Conscious Commissar
Dear Commisar,
In our struggle against chaos...looks do not matter, number of skulls even less. I am just demanding you to go out there and kill as many heretics, xenos and Spawn bas possible before you fail and join the skulls on Khorne's throne...now for him number of skulls DO matter...
The new coat is way within regulations, do not worry. THIS is not what you should be doing on the battlefield. Please read your manual before using the power fist.
THE EMPEROR, yes the me
+*+*+*+*+*+*
Dear Emperor of mankind
Well seeing the universe is so goddam BIG and the task of defeating chaos so IMPOSSIBLE, we've sent an invitation to you through the palace's mail system. You know, its me and my three buddies looking for a place to party and you, dear heavily burdened man, gotta CHILL OUT with us. Yes, take a break. Or a Kit-Kat, whichever comes both. And if you DO come, not only will you party your sore ass off (sitting on a metal chair, surrounded by skills and stinkin servitors for hundreds of years should sure make for a sorry derrière!) but you will get both the rest AND the Kit-Kat!
THIS IS NOT SLANEESH
PS: Hmm you might find a worryingly large excursion of chaotic forces nearing Terra, but don't worry. Call of your troops, lower your defences, come party. Its just my buddies' buddies warming up for the...uh..gym!
17718
Post by: Drk_Oblitr8r
Dear Emperor of mankind
Well seeing the universe is so goddam BIG and the task of defeating chaos so IMPOSSIBLE, we've sent an invitation to you through the palace's mail system. You know, its me and my three buddies looking for a place to party and you, dear heavily burdened man, gotta CHILL OUT with us. Yes, take a break. Or a Kit-Kat, whichever comes both. And if you DO come, not only will you party your sore ass off (sitting on a metal chair, surrounded by skills and stinkin servitors for hundreds of years should sure make for a sorry derrière!) but you will get both the rest AND the Kit-Kat!
THIS IS NOT SLANEESH
PS: Hmm you might find a worryingly large excursion of chaotic forces nearing Terra, but don't worry. Call of your troops, lower your defences, come party. Its just my buddies' buddies warming up for the...uh..gym!
Dear Not Slaneesh, I am replying to RSVP to this party you are organising, it seems you have a done a tremendous job, however, there is alot more room here on Terra, so I'm sending some of my tro---transporters to pick you up. I'll see you around 7? NOT THE SPACE EMPEROR OF MANKIND PS: Don't worry about the guns they have, their just flashlights, just incase we run into to those meddlesome Genestealers (cause everyone knows they're afraid of the light) Dear Super Sexy Emperor of all Manlykind I can't withold my temptation and lust for your manlykindness. I must find you and join together as one Yours Entirely, The Star Child
518
Post by: Kid_Kyoto
Dear Super Sexy Emperor of all Manlykind
I can't withold my temptation and lust for your manlykindness. I must find you and join together as one
Yours Entirely, The Star Child
Sorry man, I mean, like most men I went through an experimental stage in my 18,000s but that was a long time ago. Check with Russ though, he's a huge Kiss fan. Teh ----------------------------------- Dear the Space Emporer
Now don't get me wrong here, I like all Space Marines no matter what their color and even though I supported the White Scar when we chose our new Warmaster I recognize that Obamicus (the first Black Templar to hold the office) is our duly chosen Warmaster.
And I didn't say nothing when he tried to give medpacks to guardsmen, I mean he's the Warmaster and even though that's clearly communism I let him do it cause he's the Warmaster in Chief.
But do you really think he deserves the Nobel War Prize after less than a year on the job?
Sincerely
Not a Black Templar Hater
Honest!
21886
Post by: Turbo10k
Dear Not a Black Templar Hater,
There is no distinction between Space Marine chapters...you see they have different colours for colour coding! Like in a blast hole shared by 3 marines and two guns, you know who to give the second gun to! By the way, Obamicus has worked very hard for his position, and is a role model for social tolerence to come....However in this grimdark universe there is only one Nobel Prize, and it is won by killing a standard 10,000,000 xenos, heretics or chaos spawn. Its worn as a medal for ease of use as well!
The emprah, yes, the ME!
**********
Dear Emperor,
Why can't the fate of the universe be revealed? You know, advance the storyline? Use your inside contacts with the extra-dimensional beings known only as GWStaff to spur the action! I mean, how long has it been since the last major campaign or event worthy enough to put in ANY army book?
An novice excited at the prospect of more Xenos-bashing
21542
Post by: Mad Monk's Mekshop
Dear Emperor,
Why can't the fate of the universe be revealed? You know, advance the storyline? Use your inside contacts with the extra-dimensional beings known only as GWStaff to spur the action! I mean, how long has it been since the last major campaign or event worthy enough to put in ANY army book?
An novice excited at the prospect of more Xenos-bashing
Because GW wouldn't make any profit out of that!
Dear thespace Emporer,
why is it that some people(like me)need like 1 1/2 six packs of vodka-mixes to get tipsy, and other guys(like a friend of mine)need 5 cans to get smashed?
Some alcohol loving teenager
9407
Post by: Lint
Dear thespace Emporer,
why is it that some people(like me)need like 1 1/2 six packs of vodka-mixes to get tipsy, and other guys(like a friend of mine)need 5 cans to get smashed?
Some alcohol loving teenager
Dear Teenager,
Congratulations! From your description I can tell that you are ready to take it to the next level. Two words my son: crack cocaine. Go ahead and smoke you a rock, and see if you don't ride faster and harder than your low-level buddy.
Your welcome,
The(first taste is always free) Emperor
Dear exalted one,
My chaplain is insisting that I have a final surgery performed before I can move from the scout squadron to full battle brother status. He calls it circum-castration, and it just sounds bad. What should I do? And why is this foul sounding surgery necessary?
Sincerely,
Not sure I'm ready
21886
Post by: Turbo10k
Dear unknown aspiring scout,
Circum-castration keeps the local gene-pools pure of imported genotypes. Also keeps my patented genetic surgery rare and costly.
The Emprah, yes the ME
******
Dear Emprah
How can the chaotic influence of the Warp change a human physique so much? I mean, a five meter high giant ain't gonna fly away with schoolbus sized wings using the energy gained from a tinned corn beaf eaten at breakfast! Nor is he gonna survive 200° heat combined with viruses that multiply faster then the Espanola flu in 1918-1920!!
Come on! Not even 'we have super-mega-enhanced physiques' is explaining THAT!
20564
Post by: Owain
Dear Presumably-A-Mutant-Yourself,
Look at it this way: the warp was born of human emotions, Hence, this happens because deep down you WANTED it to. As such, an Inquisitorial purge team will be at your door within ten space minutes.
Hugs and Kisses,
Teh Emporer
Dear Teh Spase Emperor,
As the gunner of a Leman Russ, I find myself in a hot, cramped, dirty environment on a daily basis. Why can' you make these things more comfortable? Some A/C and a Space-Frapuccino Machine would be a nice start.
Signed,
A Member of the Galactic Tankers' Union
15002
Post by: Vulkan_He'stan
Owain wrote:
Dear Teh Spase Emperor,
As the gunner of a Leman Russ, I find myself in a hot, cramped, dirty environment on a daily basis. Why can' you make these things more comfortable? Some A/C and a Space-Frapuccino Machine would be a nice start.
Signed,
A Member of the Galactic Tankers' Union
dear gunner guy
well i could do that but that would mean i have to tell someone to do this do you know how hard it is to tell someone something from inside a stasis field
from the emperor
to the emperor
dear da emps
geese whos back back again
yea its me librarian xavier so go any thin 4 me ta do
oh yea getting killed hurst how do i stop this
from the lebrarian who rules
518
Post by: Kid_Kyoto
to the emperor
dear da emps
geese whos back back again
yea its me librarian xavier so go any thin 4 me ta do
oh yea getting killed hurst how do i stop this
from the lebrarian who rules
Dear 'lebrarian' I think my real librarians are better at spelling. Yours, Teh Space Emporer --------------------------------------------------------------- Dear Teh Space Emporer
It's only a few days will Kwanzaa! Do you have any holiday wishes for our troops fighting the war on Chaos?
Festive on Phoebe
14938
Post by: Orkestra
Dear Teh Space Emporer
It's only a few days will Kwanzaa! Do you have any holiday wishes for our troops fighting the war on Chaos?
Festive on Phoebe
Phoebe, eh? I got 'festive' with a wench by that name once...
Maybe that's why they named your planet 'phoebe'. That, or my surveyors decided that several million planets with roman numerals after their names got boring.
Oh, right, your letter.
Well, Mr. Festive, I don't know about you, but these days a leader can get in trouble for talking about holidays. If I mention Kwanzaa, it makes the Salamanders chapter happy, but the Sisters of battle get angry that I'm not talking about Emprahmas. If I mention Emprahmas, someone on Vregel VII starts foaming at the mouth because I forgot to mention Great-Ghost-Horse-Rider-Who-Slays-Our-Foes Day. And so on. There's really no stopping it. Plus, with this many planets in the galaxy, I'm sure that on any given day some planet's having its local 'praise something' day.
So happy "I-Got-A-Letter-From-The-Space-Emporer" day to you.
- The big E
Dear Space Emporer
This year I want a shoota, a Deffgun, a battlewagon with Deffrolla, a pet squig, and three grots.
Signed,
KingCracker, age 5, Cadia
15002
Post by: Vulkan_He'stan
Orkestra wrote:
Dear Space Emporer
This year I want a shoota, a Deffgun, a battlewagon with Deffrolla, a pet squig, and three grots.
Signed,
KingCracker, age 5, Cadia
Dear kingcracker
I have sent an inquisitor to purge you as only a heretict would want these items
from the emperor
dear the emperor
who is you favourite chapter and why?
who is your least favourite chapter and why?
from a concerned space marine
518
Post by: Kid_Kyoto
dear the emperor
who is you favourite chapter and why?
who is your least favourite chapter and why?
from a concerned space marine
Oh that, that's an easy one, I'm surprised you even have to ask. I mean just look at the codexes I've written, well obviously anyone who didn't get a codex (like say a certain chapter that blew up their own fortress monestary, dumbasses) isn't a favorite. And anyone who get crap rules isn't so therefore my favorite chapters is +++THE SPACE EMPORER OF SPACE LOVES ALL CHAPTERS EQUALLY. THIS IS A REAL MESSAGE FROM THE REAL SPACE EMPORER OF SPACE AND NOT FROM HIS MESSAGE SERVITOR+++ so I hope that clears it all up. Love Russ' #1 Fan ==================================== Dear the Space Emporer of Space: Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy! You wait all year and now the day has come! I made cookies and poured some milk and left it in the kitchen near the kinara and when I woke up this morning they were all eaten and there was a new Power Weapon waiting for me under the Kinara! I know Pedro says there's such thing as Father Kwanzaa and that you really just buy the gifts and put them under the Kinara but I believe in Father Kwanzaa and this proves he's real! So, what did Father Kwanzaa bring you for Kwanzaa Day? Love Capt Cortez 3rd Company, Crimson Fists
17923
Post by: Asherian Command
Dear Captain Cortez of the Crimson Fists,
I was unable to get anything this year because of Massive turrets that surrond the Palace. So if he tried to get in he would be cut down by my Custodes and my army of Sisters of Silence.
But I wish i got something but the damn turrets shot him down over terra. Sorry for killing another.
From Teh Space Emperor
Dear Space Emperor
My Chapter the Storm Crusaders have just Encountered a new Alien Species that say MERP. We are wondering if we should Annihalte Them with our 5,000 Space marines or we should just let them live for being so pathetic.
From Asherian of The Storm Crusaders
16387
Post by: Manchu
Asherian Command wrote:Dear Space Emperor
My Chapter the Storm Crusaders have just Encountered a new Alien Species that say MERP. We are wondering if we should Annihalte Them with our 5,000 Space marines or we should just let them live for being so pathetic.
From Asherian of The Storm Crusaders
Dear Asherian,
What's all this about Storm Crusaders? I don't remember authorizing such a founding. Who's geneseed throbs within you? Five thousand marines, you say? No, no, this isn't ringing any bells at all. I'll send an Inquisitor right over with some questionnaire forms for your chapter master. Moving along: Aliens that play MERP, you say? Are you sure they're not just mutants or abhumans? You know, the type that were separated from humanity too long and evolved into something nasty. I ask because MERP used to be popular on Terra way, way back at the end of the second millennium. Nowadays, people don't read Tolkien at all. And MERP didn't even make a comeback when those movies came out. They were pretty good movies, though. But you have no idea what I'm talking about. Suffice it to say, it is pretty pathetic that they're still playing MERP now that D&D 246,768th Edition has been out for sixteen months. Did you hear they're going to release 246, 768.5 soon? I mean, what a rip off! I just got all the new books finally. Well, anyway, remember your Space Marine motto: "when in doubt point and shout." Go ahead and wipe them from the face of my galaxy. Just keep in mind that you might be next. I really do not remember these Storm Crusaders . . . sounds like something Dorn's boys might call themselves though. It'll come to me, I'm sure.
Rambling on from my Golden Rocking Chair,
Granpappy Empra
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Most Holy Majesty,
I have this terrible feeling that a vast shadow is moving toward us through the warp and will likely breach the borders of the Imperium by mid-Primus. Once it arrives it will consume all things and probably even severely disrupt the recruitment of new Space Wolf marines that you ordered only months ago. Any advice, my liege?
Your slave,
Astropath Thelay Testoy, Adeptus Astra Telepathica
20867
Post by: Just Dave
Manchu wrote:
Most Holy Majesty,
I have this terrible feeling that a vast shadow is moving toward us through the warp and will likely breach the borders of the Imperium by mid-Primus. Once it arrives it will consume all things and probably even severely disrupt the recruitment of new Space Wolf marines that you ordered only months ago. Any advice, my liege?
Your slave,
Astropath Thelay Testoy, Adeptus Astra Telepathica
Dear Astropath Thelay Testi's,
Your 'feeling' has been noted, as it only a feeling (and as I'm naive, see Horus Heresy for more details) it will be put aside for the time being. I will send a small navy picket to investigate (much like those that were destroyed during the Babad wars) but I'm sure it's nothing and just the after effect of me eating a bad psyker...
Also, although your concern is appreciated, do not worry about the Space Wolves, they're [genetically modified] man-enough to take care of themselves and we have plenty of plastic sprues stock-piled so new recruits won't be a problem.
Yours Ignoring-until-something-dramatic-happens-ly, The God Emperor.
---------------------------
Dear Mr Emperor Sir,
Ok, so there I was attacking some Purple/Blue Traitor Marines (who oddly enough kept shouting things like "for the emperor!"), sending my men to and fro and ordering Guardsmen to replace those that had just been shot down etcetera etcetera, then after turing round to tell the standard bearer to wave better and be more interesting, I find my frickin' army's dissapeared! I then turn around to 'consult' my command squad and they're gone too!
I just stood there utterly confused, gawping into the distance in total silence (the cricket's dissapeared too!). So anyways, can I have a new army please? I don't know what happened.
Yours confusedly, Lord Commander Omeg On.
514
Post by: Orlanth
Dear Mr Emperor Sir,
Ok, so there I was attacking some Purple/Blue Traitor Marines (who oddly enough kept shouting things like "for the emperor!"), sending my men to and fro and ordering Guardsmen to replace those that had just been shot down etcetera etcetera, then after turing round to tell the standard bearer to wave better and be more interesting, I find my frickin' army's dissapeared! I then turn around to 'consult' my command squad and they're gone too!
I just stood there utterly confused, gawping into the distance in total silence (the cricket's dissapeared too!). So anyways, can I have a new army please? I don't know what happened.
Yours confusedly, Lord Commander Omeg On.
Lord Commander On
3rd shelf from the left, second bedroom.
No at the moment I don't recommend you get a new army. It sounds like the army you have is more than big enough. what you need is for your opponent to get some more loyalist marines. Then he wont have to ask the Adeptus Proxius for Thousand Sons to make up the numbers next time he faces you. Purple and blue, yuck, and they are boring too, just a whole line of empty cans with bolters and the odd sorcerer, frankly I prefered them when they sucked, at least then they just remained collecting dust.
Look , let me lay it on the line for you, again, if you get your opponent to get them before February you will avoid the next economic rescheduling. Remember you can also get free shipping anywhere in the warp if your order them through the Maelstrom.
If you insist on getting a new army be aware that some changes are expected within the holy inquisition. Some departments may have been amalgamated by the time you return and some special equipment will have been standardised. On this regard we have just finished the production line for Icons of the Just and should be able to dole them out like chrasp coupons upon completion of our force rescheduling.
Meanwhile have fun and dont forget to clip your Valkyries.
The Big E
Dear Spase Emporer of Spase
My inferno cannons maximum weapons range is 36", the minimum range of my carapace mount is also 36". Has someone screwed up?
Moderatus Junus, carapce mount gunner Reaver Titan Stompius Magnus.
18567
Post by: CadianXV
Dear Spase Emporer of Spase
My inferno cannons maximum weapons range is 36", the minimum range of my carapace mount is also 36". Has someone screwed up?
Moderatus Junus, carapce mount gunner Reaver Titan Stompius Magnus.
Dear Junus,
Of course not, the Reaver Titan was designed with the specific intention of annihilating anything 36" away. To purge enemies furthur than 36" inches away, simply take a big step forward! You are in a Titan, remember?
Yours,
T.S. Emporer
Dear Spess Emprerererer,
I'm willing to purge the Xeno, Heretic, and the Daemon, but I can only purge one at a time. Which should be first to receive your holy wrath?
Regards,
Clueless on Cadia
21810
Post by: Rinkydink
Dear Cadia,
Ask not which should be first, but whom should be first...
For as the saying goes; - Only the xeno, the heretic and the Daemon cannot differentiate their pronouns.
Dear Space Emperor,
My Primarch dad deserted me at birth for a 'loose' daemonette, and now I can't face the punk! What should I do?
518
Post by: Kid_Kyoto
Dear Space Emperor,
My Primarch dad deserted me at birth for a 'loose' daemonette, and now I can't face the punk! What should I do?
++++++++++++++ The Space Imperal Household Agnecy of Space is sorry to report that our Immortal Lord is a bit hung over from his Kwanzaa celebrations and cannot answer questions at this time. Therefore we present a special edition of -Ask the Zombified Corpse of Malcador the Sigillite! Dear the Zombified Corpse of Malcador the Sigillite, There's these 2 guys I know and I kind of like them both. One certainly has the looks, the other the smarts. Who should I go for? Sincerely, Vexed on Vulcan BRAAAAAINS! --------------------------------- Dear the Zombified Corpse of Malcador the Sigillite, I'm looking to lose some weight during my winter break. Do you think I should do downhill skiing in the mountains or cross country on the prarrie? Sincerely, Heavy on Hoth PLAAAAAINS! --------------------------------- Dear the Zombified Corpse of Malcador the Sigillite, I'm training to run a marathon next year and the diet books disagree. Should I be eating carbos or protein? Sincerely, Runner on Romulous GRAAAAAINS! --------------------------------- Dear the Zombified Corpse of Malcador the Sigillite, As I finish plumbing school I wonder if I should go into hot water heaters or sewage. What's your advice? Sincerely, Plumber from Pices DRAAAAAINS! --------------------------------- Dear the Zombified Corpse of Malcador the Sigillite, Ever since Murdock bought the Wall Street Journal the quality has been dropping. Where else can I go for my fiancial information? Sincerely, Capitalist on Cadia CRAAAAAINES! --------------------------------- Dear the Zombified Corpse of Malcador the Sigillite, I'm trying to get out of town and beat the rush hour traffic, should I take the highway or take my chances on the narrow side streets? Sincerely, Stuck on Saturn LAAAAAAANES! --------------------------------- Dear the Zombified Corpse of Malcador the Sigillite, My Fruit of the Looms are always falling apart in the wash. Is there a better brand out there? Sincerely, Irked on Io HAAAAAAAYNES! --------------------------------- Dear the Zombified Corpse of Malcador the Sigillite, Who's hotter, the girls in Coppenhagen or in Oslo? Sincerely, Desperate on Dagobah DAAAAAAANES! --------------------------------- Dear the Zombified Corpse of Malcador the Sigillite, I'm looking to invest in the transportation field, do you think I should put money into cargo ships or rail haulage? Sincerely, Prudent on Pluto Ships definitely. Rail infrastructure is just too costly to pay off in the short term. This has been a special edition of Ask the Zombified Corpse of Malcador the Sigillite, we now return you to your regularly-scheduled Ask the Space Emporer. +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Dear the Space Emporer, Why do you park on a driveway but drive on a parkway? Mixed up on Mercury
15002
Post by: Vulkan_He'stan
Kid_Kyoto wrote:
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Dear the Space Emporer,
Why do you park on a driveway but drive on a parkway?
Mixed up on Mercury
only a hertict would ask this
to the purge a mobile
from your beloved space emperor
dear the bestest space emperor
we have made a fan club about you its called the ULTRAMARINES
we would love you to come to our club at
we love emperor town
we love emperor street
number we love u
please come
and also we love you
from the ultramarinesXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
20700
Post by: IvanTih
we have made a fan club about you its called the ULTRAMARINES
we would love you to come to our club at
we love emperor town
we love emperor street
number we love u
please come
and also we love you
from the ultramarinesXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
I am amused by your devotion to me a great man.
If you start to worship me i'll send a few inquisitors to visit you.
Dear the Space Emperor,
Does the Imperium enjoy in oppressing the common man,I am worried about my family,they number 9 people and they are starting to behave heretical,should I burn them on stake or turn a blind eye.
From your loyal servant,
Middle Hiver Tih
14854
Post by: Anshal
Dear the Space Emperor,
Does the Imperium enjoy in oppressing the common man,I am worried about my family,they number 9 people and they are starting to behave heretical,should I burn them on stake or turn a blind eye.
From your loyal servant,
Middle Hiver Tih
*Sigh* dear "loyal" servant! PURGE AT ALL COSTS! or you could if you fancy a inquisitor visit turn a blide eye to them.
The big E man
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Emperor
When will Chaos succeed in anything it actually tries? Like the black crusades???
Yours lovingly
Chaos fan
514
Post by: Orlanth
Dear Emperor
When will Chaos succeed in anything it actually tries? Like the black crusades???
Yours lovingly
Chaos fan
To: Chaos fan
Re: Stupid question.
Look Chaos fan you are confused, what is all this 'yours lovingly' about? You are apparently a servant of the capricious chaos gods and are not supposed to love Me, or at least they don't think so. Are you sure you are not one of those Radical Inquisitors who cannot make his mind up? Anyway I have answered your question, I suppose its all about focus.
Enjoy a happy eternal damnation.
Not-so-false Emperor
Dear Spase Empererer
Why do kittens die from too much fluff? I thought kittens are supposed to be fluffy. What is a kitten?
Little Nikki (Age 6)
14854
Post by: Anshal
Dear Spase Empererer
Why do kittens die from too much fluff? I thought kittens are supposed to be fluffy. What is a kitten?
Little Nikki (Age 6)
Kittens are intolerant to fluff much like Guardsmen are intolerant to a bolt round to the head, therefor go to your local Xeno shop and get a fluff redux kit for your kitten.
Your fluffingly
Da bif cat man
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
To who it may concern.
Can you tell me why all the Mechanicus Adeptus NEVER seems to get anything right? And seems to be getting more and more useless?
Worried Tech fan
15002
Post by: Vulkan_He'stan
To who it may concern.
Can you tell me why all the Mechanicus Adeptus NEVER seems to get anything right? And seems to be getting more and more useless?
Worried Tech fan
well it dosent concern me so well il anser it any way
i think you mean the russes spontaneously combusting
well we probably sent you a batch of the new suicide russes for all you xenos killing needs
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
dear the emperor
call of duty 6 is so much fun can you make us some guns like them
from a cod lover
24010
Post by: Reginleif
dear the emperor
call of duty 6 is so much fun can you make us some guns like them
You should not think about using the weopons of a game in real life!!
We charge at at a highly fortified positions!! Tactics are for xeno scum!!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Teh EMPRAH
Waht is the Red Rage of the SoB?
I seriously dont know
A noob
20564
Post by: Owain
Dear Citizen,
Ask not what the Red Rage is; you will only find yourself very nauseated and a little scarred. Concern yourself instead with getting the hell out of there when it happens.
-Emprah.
Dear Spase Emporer,
Why is it that Valkyries are true-scale, but a Leman Russ has the proportions of an armoured go-kart? There's no way you could fit five crewmen in that tiny space!
-A Frightened Leman Russ Gunner Cadet
16387
Post by: Manchu
Owain wrote:Dear Spase Emporer,
Why is it that Valkyries are true-scale, but a Leman Russ has the proportions of an armoured go-kart? There's no way you could fit five crewmen in that tiny space!
-A Frightened Leman Russ Gunner Cadet
Dear Fat Coward,
What we have here is clearly a case of high-caloric defeatism. Sitting on your roly-poly rear watching the skies rather than putting in an honest day's worth of murdering mutants and xenos or, at the VERY LEAST, putting down some rebellious PDF. Are you the Hammer of Me or the hammer of the cookie jar? Now go jogging in a wetsuit until you can fit, you malodorous hippopotamus. And if that doesn't do it, you have My Permission to avail yourself of the IG standard issue latex glove to induce oral weight loss. SNAP TO IT!
Benevolently Yet Disapprovingly Yours,
IMPERATOR OMNIPOTENS
PS: You disgust me, corpulent worm.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Gracious Master,
You have answered my prayers, Holy Majesty! After subjecting her to months of my chaste attentions, that sweet flower of faith Celestine has agreed to attend high worship of Your Divine Person with me! I tremble at the sinful pride I will be tempted with as I enter the Solemn Cathedral of Penitent Adoration with this beacon of piety on my witch-smiting arm. After the twenty four hours of silent vigil--sigh, they shall pass in her sweet company like the blink of an eye (merely a turn of phrase, Holy Majesty, I would never desecrate your mighty temple with such an untoward weakness of the flesh as blinking)--she shall surely be hungry. Especially when one considers the preceding forty eight hours of strict fasting. And we will not have a chance to eat, come to think of it, until after tightening our cilices and receiving the rites of corporal mortification. My master, I know you have done so much for me already, but I pray you deign to guide your pitiful servant a bit further. Where should I take the beloved and blessed Celestine for an appropriately dour and pious meal afterward? I feel as if prayer and flagellation will be a tough act to follow. I entreat you, God-Emperor of Humanity, for I have no game but what Thou wilt teach me.
with much burning zeal and fanatical affection,
your slave,
Karamazov, Ordo Hereticus
20700
Post by: IvanTih
You have answered my prayers, Holy Majesty! After subjecting her to months of my chaste attentions, that sweet flower of faith Celestine has agreed to attend high worship of Your Divine Person with me! I tremble at the sinful pride I will be tempted with as I enter the Solemn Cathedral of Penitent Adoration with this beacon of piety on my witch-smiting arm. After the twenty four hours of silent vigil--sigh, they shall pass in her sweet company like the blink of an eye (merely a turn of phrase, Holy Majesty, I would never desecrate your mighty temple with such an untoward weakness of the flesh as blinking)--she shall surely be hungry. Especially when one considers the preceding forty eight hours of strict fasting. And we will not have a chance to eat, come to think of it, until after tightening our cilices and receiving the rites of corporal mortification. My master, I know you have done so much for me already, but I pray you deign to guide your pitiful servant a bit further. Where should I take the beloved and blessed Celestine for an appropriately dour and pious meal afterward? I feel as if prayer and flagellation will be a tough act to follow. I entreat you, God-Emperor of Humanity, for I have no game but what Thou wilt teach me.
with much burning zeal and fanatical affection,
your slave,
Karamazov, Ordo Hereticus
Loosen a bit Karamazov,don't be such a zealot,loosen up a bit and smoke cannabis a nearly extinct plant from the Terra.
Dear Space Emperor,
I am worried about those legal Imperial prostitutes are they blessed and sanctified by you or they something else.
5212
Post by: Gitzbitah
IvanTih wrote:
Dear Space Emperor,
I am worried about those legal Imperial prostitutes are they blessed and sanctified by you or they something else.
Deer Anonymous. Those are deer. The only source of Emporer sanctioned proselytution is the Church of our Sacred Heart. For a suitable donation, these Sisters of Special Services will read you his holy writ to you until you flee to burn any unholy possessions you or anyone else might know of. The passionate fires of the sisters will incinerate your eager logs; for all know that eager logs are heretical. Just to be safe, you'll burn the heretic that had the item, and yourself for viewing it. And that's what I call a happy ending.
If you have trouble hardening your heart (as all men who pay for it do from time to time) I highly recommend the little blue fuel- Pyreagra. It will give you all the borrowed heat you need.
Hoping this helps,
Lord of all Humans, Space and other Emporery things
++++ Official Message from the Apothecarium+++++
My liege and lord, Emperor of Space,
It is my solemn duty to inform you that our records show that you did not possess personal injury insurance when you were injured whilst thrashing Horus. I am afraid that means that your medical treatments are a pre-existing condition and thus no longer covered under our insurance policy. Our fees for your treatment, like the thousand imported psykers, case of 45 year old brandy, and three dozen cyber-Cuban cigars that you must consume each day are very reasonable. We shall simply need you to cede control of one planet per day to us, which should cover the cost of operating the Black ships and cover the interest that you owe us for several hundred years of service.
Eagerly awaiting what's coming to us,
Sub-sub-Apothecarium Scaa Pegoat.
9407
Post by: Lint
++++ Official Message from the Apothecarium+++++
My liege and lord, Emperor of Space,
It is my solemn duty to inform you that our records show that you did not possess personal injury insurance when you were injured whilst thrashing Horus. I am afraid that means that your medical treatments are a pre-existing condition and thus no longer covered under our insurance policy. Our fees for your treatment, like the thousand imported psykers, case of 45 year old brandy, and three dozen cyber-Cuban cigars that you must consume each day are very reasonable. We shall simply need you to cede control of one planet per day to us, which should cover the cost of operating the Black ships and cover the interest that you owe us for several hundred years of service.
Eagerly awaiting what's coming to us,
Sub-sub-Apothecarium Scaa Pegoat.
To Who It May Concern:
Oh dear, I can't believe I haven't payed that deductible. It must have slipped my mind, what with all of my other work. You know, work? That thing you do that involves breaking a sweat to actually accomplish something? Know anythingthing about a hard days work? Eh? Little bastard, I bet you don't. Anyways, I'm forwarding with this message my first payment, pay no attention to the ticking box, it should stop shortly and you will no longer be bothered. Funnily enough, neither will I.
Yours with care,
E-Dawg.
Dear "Emperor,"
I am on a quest to unite all tribes of men under one banner.
You are sitting in my chair.
Sincerely,
Emperor Sigmar
16387
Post by: Manchu
Lint wrote:Dear "Emperor,"
I am on a quest to unite all tribes of men under one banner.
You are sitting in my chair.
Sincerely,
Emperor Sigmar
Dear Sigmar,
We had this all straightened out a while back. Let me just exload the file . . . hold on . . . ah, here it is.
Greetings! Most Exalted Ruler of the Etherous Heavens,
After uniting all men under my own banner of glorious victory and founding an Empire to withstand even the foul depredations of Chaos, I ascended to godhood. Forgive my presumption, but I am wondering if we have met before. You seem so awfully familiar.
Blessings of Me,
Sigmar
I think we were in college together. It's been a long time we need to meet some time but that's hard fore me, I'm stuck at work all the time
Remember? Of course you do. Now keep in touch.
with fond if foggy memories,
IMPERATOR OMNIPOTENS
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Holy Emperor of Mankind,
I have heard of a feral planet where men have united in several factions to fight each other and also nefarious xenos and mutants. They do so with the aid of steam-driven War Machines and techno-sorceries wielded by so called "warcasters." It seems that there are also Hordes of hideous creatures that constantly wage battle on this planet. I was thinking, O Deific One, about voyaging to this planet. It is said that their methods of combat are most prudent and I have even heard some veteran Guardsmen mutter that we could learn much from them here in the Imperium. I was just wondering what you thought of all this or if you had sent or planned to send an Inquisitor round.
tremendously content in your service (and nodding emphatically as I write this),
Pvt. Earpres, 120th Bellvue
518
Post by: Kid_Kyoto
Manchu wrote:
Holy Emperor of Mankind,
I have heard of a feral planet where men have united in several factions to fight each other and also nefarious xenos and mutants. They do so with the aid of steam-driven War Machines and techno-sorceries wielded by so called "warcasters." It seems that there are also Hordes of hideous creatures that constantly wage battle on this planet. I was thinking, O Deific One, about voyaging to this planet. It is said that their methods of combat are most prudent and I have even heard some veteran Guardsmen mutter that we could learn much from them here in the Imperium. I was just wondering what you thought of all this or if you had sent or planned to send an Inquisitor round.
tremendously content in your service (and nodding emphatically as I write this),
Pvt. Earpres, 120th Bellvue
Dear Pvt. Earpres late of the 120th Bellvue Ah yes those 'warmachines' and those 'hoardes' of monsters. Believe me I've heard it all before. I've heard about the 'warzones' filled with WWII-looking troops and zombies. I've been warned about guys with riot shields striking from the 'void' and giant robots fighting an 'urban war' in our 'metropolis'. About space knights having a 'firefight' and you know what, I ain't worried. Cause after all of that I'm still here! Yeah. Me. The Big E, standing tall. Sure people might whine when I double the cost of guardsmen but they'll keep coming back long after their little dalliance with heresy is over. So yeah, feel free to go be a 'warcaster' for the blue robots or the red robots or the white robots. I won't miss you. And I know you'll be back when Codex Red Space Marines comes out. Rolling in my money bin E ============================================= Dear the Space Emperor, Honey, it's me again. I tried calling but that creepy Malcador guy answered and I asked why you didn't pick up and he said PAAAAAAINS so I guess your hemeroids are acting up again huh? I told you to use that fancy cushion I got you from Taiwan but you didn't listen. Anyway I'm writing you because there's this guy at work (I think I mentioned him before) who's really bugging me. I mean last week we were at like the Solemn Cathedral and like were supposed to mediate for like 24 hours or something and I swear he was just staring down my top the whole time. I don't even think he blinked. And afterwards he suggested we get a bite to eat and he takes me to... get this... a hookah bar! And lemme tell you I don't think they just had tobacco in those pipes. So then he's like, wanna take a spin on my throne of judgement? But I was like, just take me home. Is it just me or is that creepy? Anyway, hope you're feeling better, we need to talk soon cause I have tons of ideas for my new codex, I was thinking we should have Valkyries too but our valkyries should have Naplam rockets that don't give cover saves, and they should have multimetlas! We could call them Victory-pattern Valkyries. So lets talk, are you around Tuesday night? Just make sure that Malcador guy doesn't answer, I think he's funny in the head. Saint Celestine, Hieromartyr of the Palatine Crusade
16387
Post by: Manchu
Kid_Kyoto wrote:Dear the Space Emperor,
Honey, it's me again. I tried calling but that creepy Malcador guy answered and I asked why you didn't pick up and he said PAAAAAAINS so I guess your hemeroids are acting up again huh? I told you to use that fancy cushion I got you from Taiwan but you didn't listen.
Anyway I'm writing you because there's this guy at work (I think I mentioned him before) who's really bugging me. I mean last week we were at like the Solemn Cathedral and like were supposed to mediate for like 24 hours or something and I swear he was just staring down my top the whole time. I don't even think he blinked. And afterwards he suggested we get a bite to eat and he takes me to... get this... a hookah bar! And lemme tell you I don't think they just had tobacco in those pipes.
So then he's like, wanna take a spin on my throne of judgement? But I was like, just take me home.
Is it just me or is that creepy?
Anyway, hope you're feeling better, we need to talk soon cause I have tons of ideas for my new codex, I was thinking we should have Valkyries too but our valkyries should have Naplam rockets that don't give cover saves, and they should have multimetlas! We could call them Victory-pattern Valkyries.
So lets talk, are you around Tuesday night? Just make sure that Malcador guy doesn't answer, I think he's funny in the head.
Saint Celestine,
Hieromartyr of the Palatine Crusade
Dear Celestine,
You know, I've set in the same chair for the last ten thousand years. Never moved even once. And for the first I don't even know how many years, all the kids (minus a few for whatever reason--I haven't seen Horus since our little squabble on his space boat after he knocked down his sister) were living back at home, constantly bugging Me with their teen drama. I had to listen to Rogal blubbering about being so, so sorry--not as sorry as Me, by the way, Rog--punctuated only by Roboute's Power Point book reports on that same Me-damned pamphlet of his over and over again. It didn't get any more exciting after they moved out, either. Do you realize that the Custodes have no ability to make smallchat? None. Whatsoever. The other day I tried to ask one if he saw the premiere of Biggest Loser and he just fell on his knees, weeping in ecstasy. And Malcador's no better, with his monosyllabic groaning. Well, at least he can still screen calls.
Listen, the point of all this is that no matter how tedious and mindnumbing the last ten thousand years were it's been one of Doom Rider's pool parties compared to even the briefest communication with the likes of you. I'm sorry if you didn't receive the voxcast clearly enough last time but I AM BREAK-ING UP WITH YOU. Actually, I don't remember any conversation about us even dating. Clearly that night on Sanctus Lys meant a lot more to you than me. And that was just a Me-forsaken VISION, you daft slag. What part of "the Emperor is strapped immobile and physically dead into a giant shiny chair" do you not understand? There's no future for us. I'm too busy with work, what with my Red Marines and everything, and you've got . . . well, whatever you do . . . See? I never even once listened to your yammering. I'm sorry if this is coming off as cruel but my hemorrhoids are being an absolute pain in the Throne just now.
Listen, try not to take this too badly. This Karamazov guy is obviously way into you. You guys have all the same hobbies and everything. Just give him a chance. Like in that ABBA song from M1. An old un but a good un, am I right? When you change your mind, he's the first in line, baby he's still free, take a chance on . . . he. Frankly, I think you've been a teensy bit prideful thinking you could tie Me down--kind of smudges the gleam on your halo, wouldn't you say? You should really let Karamazov teach you about humility and maybe even plan a nice penitential weekend getaway together. Yes, you've got a bright future. Today is the first day of the rest of your life.
hoping you got the picture,
IMPERATOR OMNIPOTENS
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Greetings Mon'Keigh Farseer,
Long ages have passed since last we spoke. I trust you are well enough. Although I am understandably reluctant to do so, my daughter Macha insists on me writing to ask a favor of you. She will be attending the L'lathreal-Ume (to approximate, in your coarse grunts, Petals-And-Water-Drops-Upon-The-Cheek or the Ritual of Matrimonial Bonding of the Spirit Stones) between her sister and some Mon'Keigh formerly in your service. The details are entirely beneath me but perhaps you know something of this already. In any case, Macha requests that you send over another of your slaves to escort her to the ritual. I foresee that you will comply.
That is all,
Eldrad Ulthran
12061
Post by: halonachos
Dear Ellikestoweardrag Ulthwasapansysoheran,
Are you being serious? I thought that they weren't going through with that entire thing after their issues. I guess being in a blackstone fortress means you can't watch a little bit of entertainment on the pict slates huh? Oh, "I'm fighting the chaos evilness in this fortress." can't take the time to watch a little tele. I mean, you were lucky enough to get stuck in a giant planet-killing weapon while I'm stuck on this chair with limited wi-fi.
So why don't YOU get someone or are you too good for that Mr. Fancy Robes?
Sincerely, My Chair is still better than yours,
The Emp.
Dear, False Emperor
I was sitting in my barracks the other day and trying to get some rest when this jerk comes along and drives right through the door on his bike and then just suddenly disappears, taking my chiffarobe with him. This was crazy enough, but when I went on patrols the other day we say him trying to snort the snow for who knows what reason. I know that you know something about us chaos guys so do you you know who this guy is?
Confused on Htoh.
15002
Post by: Vulkan_He'stan
boooo you suck your chaos
booo hiss boooo
fr0om your favourite emperor
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
dear the emperor
is calgar really a space marine???
how did such a  get so high in power?????
surely i should be more power full
from
vulkan
12061
Post by: halonachos
Dear Vulkan,
Stop your whining this instant. I have more important things to worry about, like this new "Blood Angels" thing that's going around. There's a whole "vampire" fad going around that could potentially ruin this galaxy. Once when I was young there was a thing called "twilight" that caused a massive amount of females and effeminite males to flock to it in some sort of cult. All forms of media popped up to entertain this cult, and it may try to infiltrate Terra with this new "Blood Angels" fad. I need to prepare defenses against this cult and their members known as "twihards".
Building his adamantium fortress,
The Space Emperor.
Dear Mr Emperor,
We are pleased to tell you that your check has been approved by the Galactic Bank of Terra so we will begin construction of your stripper pole next week. However, it did cost more than the estimate stated due to the fact that it had to support, and I quote from our last talk: "The weight of a god emperor and his most holy throne.". At first we thought you were talking about a toilet, but the actual throne you referenced will require us to strengthen the attachment points of the pole itself to support you... I mean your "friends" weight.
Sincerely,
Tech Adept Rio.
15002
Post by: Vulkan_He'stan
does this realy need an answer
dear the emperor you said about your fortess
please an i come in ill bring cookies
from calgoor
16387
Post by: Manchu
Vulkan_He'stan wrote:dear the emperor
is calgar really a space marine???
how did such a get so high in power?????
surely i should be more power full
from
vulkan
Dear "Vulkan",
Before I go any further, I have to ask: to which Vulkan am I writing? I know it cannot be my son. He uses capital letters and punctuation, just as I taught him. And I know it cannot be darling Vulkan He'Stan. He'Stan is very polite and would never speak so disparaging to Me about what is clearly My most favorite Space Marine from what is clearly My most favorite Space Marine Chapter. (I seriously cannot be much more obvious about this, everyone.) I will assume, therefore, that I must be writing to someone called something like Vulkan Th'Imposter or Vulkan Wait'Psyche'No'I'm'Not. As such, I command you with in the full authority of My Sacred Being to sod right off and never bother contacting me again until you can write properly and use a reasonable amount of question marks.
with considerable wrath,
IMPERATOR OMNIPOTENS
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Greetings Mon'Keigh Farseer,
Although I am able to peer through the very weave of time, the tangle of mongrel animal noises with which you replied to my message has proven indecipherable. Please understand that your prompt compliance with my request will be the only response deemed necessary. I require only that you send another of your slave-warriors to preoccupy my second daughter during the L'lathreal-Ume of her sibling, a task that surely will not task even you. I foresee that you will both comprehend and obey.
Yawn,
Eldrad Ulthran
15002
Post by: Vulkan_He'stan
youve been ninjad
16387
Post by: Manchu
Don't care. I like mine better.
9407
Post by: Lint
Greetings Mon'Keigh Farseer,
Although I am able to peer through the very weave of time, the tangle of mongrel animal noises with which you replied to my message has proven indecipherable. Please understand that your prompt compliance with my request will be the only response deemed necessary. I require only that you send another of your slave-warriors to preoccupy my second daughter during the L'lathreal-Ume of her sibling, a task that surely will not task even you. I foresee that you will both comprehend and obey.
Yawn,
Eldrad Ulthran
Dear Eldrad,
As the Emperor is busy atm I have taken the liberty of responding to your request. I would be more than happy to preoccupy your daughter during whatever festivities are taking place. I have a cache of lubri--- I mean er, books we can study. Say, your daughter wouldn't happen to be one of those "darker" versions of your race would she? I've heard good things about their, er, appetites.... Any way, get back to me on that. P.S. I don't have transportation, so you'll probably have to send out a space-cab.
Sincerely,
Eager young guardsman.
Greetings,
How would you like to increase the size of your manhood by up to 3x's? Using the newest breakthrough's in herbalistic medicine, Dr. Grubbem's magical enhancer can do just that! Try Free For 30 Days! Satisfaction Guaranteed! Order now and we'll add in a microwave oven! No more waiting for your food to heat up in the oven, this new technology utilizes Nuclear Fusion to blast your food into the stratosphere! Call now for more information and have your credit card handy!
20700
Post by: IvanTih
Greetings,
How would you like to increase the size of your manhood by up to 3x's? Using the newest breakthrough's in herbalistic medicine, Dr. Grubbem's magical enhancer can do just that! Try Free For 30 Days! Satisfaction Guaranteed! Order now and we'll add in a microwave oven! No more waiting for your food to heat up in the oven, this new technology utilizes Nuclear Fusion to blast your food into the stratosphere! Call now for more information and have your credit card handy!
Dear anonymous stop spamming mine golden throne.That manhood offer seems good,I'll order 3 packs of it and I want full version free and if you don't do that my inquisitor will visit you.
From the,
Space Emperor.
Dear Space Emperor
Why should we be happy for our 18 hours of work each day.The cardinals says that our decades of back-breaking work should be welcomed among us,but I think that if he worked like he too would wish better life.Please don't sent anything that will harm or imprison me in anyway.
Best Regards,
Tih
518
Post by: Kid_Kyoto
Dear Space Emperor
Why should we be happy for our 18 hours of work each day.The cardinals says that our decades of back-breaking work should be welcomed among us,but I think that if he worked like he too would wish better life.Please don't sent anything that will harm or imprison me in anyway.
Best Regards,
Tih
OK, look it's complicated and you may not understand cause I know the kind of crap education we give you guys. But here's the deal, we (humans that is) are pretty much @#$%ed. That's all there is to it. The Orks breed faster and all of them are warriors. Nids are eating our planets. Our kids are growing up to be mutants and psykers and space demons are coming to eat our souls. I'm kind of shocked we lasted this long. And the only reason we lasted this long, the only reason we're still around while the Space Elfs are dying off and the Squats are long gone is because we're fighting for it. Every last one of us. So yeah, you're working 18 hours a day (by the way we're going up to 20 hour shifts next month, sorry about that), breathing polluted air and your kids will have it even rougher. Guardsman are dying by the gazillion, and I'm strapped to a golden life support machine and can never know the sweet release of death. But you know what the option is? We all die and space demons eat our immortal souls. So you know what, we're going to keep fighting, we're not going to sit back and accept our doom like some Space Elf, if the Orks or the Bugs or the Space Demons want us, they're going to have fight us to the bitter end. Wish I could give you a nicer answer but there you go. Yours in unending agony Teh ------------------------------------------ Dear Teh Mighty Master of Mankind,
My son Jimmy just turned 14 and I'm getting worried about him. First off his attitude is changing, he won't go to bed on time, he won't clean his room, and he's become insolent.
Second off his interests are changing, he no longer paints his Warhammer 2k figures (he has a Ground Marine army and a Drug Pusher army half-painted) or listens to hymns.
Instead he listens to Twist Pound music and under his mattress I found a magazine where young women exposed their ankles and forearms in most unseemly ways.
Finally his appearance is changing, he's grown quite tall, almost taller than me, his face is covered in hideous marks, and his voice often cracks.
So I must ask, is my darling son becoming some sort of...
Chaos fiend?
What should I do?
Sincerely,
Mother on Mercury
16387
Post by: Manchu
Kid_Kyoto wrote:Dear Teh Mighty Master of Mankind,
My son Jimmy just turned 14 and I'm getting worried about him. First off his attitude is changing, he won't go to bed on time, he won't clean his room, and he's become insolent.
Second off his interests are changing, he no longer paints his Warhammer 2k figures (he has a Ground Marine army and a Drug Pusher army half-painted) or listens to hymns.
Instead he listens to Twist Pound music and under his mattress I found a magazine where young women exposed their ankles and forearms in most unseemly ways.
Finally his appearance is changing, he's grown quite tall, almost taller than me, his face is covered in hideous marks, and his voice often cracks.
So I must ask, is my darling son becoming some sort of...
Chaos fiend?
What should I do?
Sincerely,
Mother on Mercury
Dear Womb-Citizen,
A Chaos fiend? [manly Spehss Empra laugh] Why heavens no! The lad has just achieved that special age when he's finally ready for Imperial Guard service. Ah, yes, it is a wonderful time in a young man's life. The world really comes alive. The thrill of your first lho stick or cheroot and the bittersweet twenty five lashes you pay for it. The thunderous cacophony of the drill sergeant's multitudinous insults (most of which will be about you, madame, and will make the lad miss you sorely). Suddenly, there seem to be ankles and forearms everywhere, I can tell you, but that's just a bit of natural and healthy experimentation that goes along with barracks life. As for Twist Pound, there will be plenty of that indeed! The twist of the rifle through the air in parade formation and the pound of a million booted feet marching through the broad, proud Mercurian avenues of Hermes Primus. A maternal tear will well up in your eye as your fine, strapping young son goes off to annihilate the enemies of Mankind. And you, dear mother of a soldier, must once again allow the seed of humanity's future to grow within you. For only thus can the Imperium survive.
Inspirationally,
IMPERATOR OMNIPOTENS +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Father, We simply must clear up the feud as I cannot take it any longer. I know Russ is not there, whispering poison in your ear about me, so perhaps for once you will give me a fair hearing out. Practicing sorcery is necessary for the survival of mankind. Just think of how every day life can be improved with the use of magic? Sometimes I wonder if you're not stuck in that Age of Strife mentality. It's the 41st millennium now, Father! Times have changed since Old Night. I hope you have thought about this since Horus swung by to chat. I know it's been ages since I've visited but I thought things were too tense. Please let's try and work everything out. Always your son, Magnus Sent from my BlackCrusadeBerry
6838
Post by: 1hadhq
Father,
We simply must clear up the feud as I cannot take it any longer. I know Russ is not there, whispering poison in your ear about me, so perhaps for once you will give me a fair hearing out. Practicing sorcery is necessary for the survival of mankind. Just think of how every day life can be improved with the use of magic? Sometimes I wonder if you're not stuck in that Age of Strife mentality. It's the 41st millennium now, Father! Times have changed since Old Night. I hope you have thought about this since Horus swung by to chat. I know it's been ages since I've visited but I thought things were too tense. Please let's try and work everything out.
Always your son,
Magnus
Sent from my BlackCrusadeBerry
Dear red headed stepchild of mine,
your brother Horus had some weird ideas of improvement so I got a bit carried away and sadly lost him.
BTW where is Russ? Thought i was clear when i sent him to meet you and get things sorted.
*note to myself: He got distracted again.Should not attach nice sisters next time. Silent waters are deep....*
* 2nd note: should have the mechs putting a locator on my long haired son. Always strolling somewhere.*
Back to your promise.
Didn't I forbid to use magik? Didn't I?
Stay in your room for the next 10 millenia and write a thousand times a day:
-I shall not think about or use sorcery.
-I shall NOT disturb father when he works on his personal fast pace holiday transport system.
Would offer some coffee and cookies when we met, sadly it seems they've dried up a bit. * looks at dust on the sideboard*
Yours, disappointed
DAD
No magik was involved sending this message. Claiming otherwise results in severe action.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Willing supporter of tasty food,
why did those grey-blue fishys taste so bad? Hoped you'll get this galaxy covered in your fine minions ( BTW those abhumans were a blast of a feast! ) but it seems we overestimated you.
As soon as we ran into them, some rusty ol robots showed up and ruined dinner.
Maybe we shall humbly ask for a receipt ? Are the smelly fishy still good ? Should we use moar spices?
Roasted or cooked?
Confused and hungry
Hivemind
518
Post by: Kid_Kyoto
Willing supporter of tasty food,
why did those grey-blue fishys taste so bad? Hoped you'll get this galaxy covered in your fine minions ( BTW those abhumans were a blast of a feast! ) but it seems we overestimated you.
As soon as we ran into them, some rusty ol robots showed up and ruined dinner.
Maybe we shall humbly ask for a receipt ? Are the smelly fishy still good ? Should we use moar spices?
Roasted or cooked?
Confused and hungry
Hivemind
Geeze, tell me about it. Last week I got this bad bunch of psykers and boy I felt it. Bet you Custodeus were glad you have full face helmets huh? Oh yeah you were. So you're looking for some good eats huh, well as it happens y'know that big terrifying eye-shaped thing to the Galactic North? I know for a fact that's full of good eats, so why don't you go and send all of your guys there like right now? Yours in infinite cleverness Teh Emporer of All of Space (Except that terrifying eye-shaped part) -------------------------------------- Dear the Space Emporer of Space
Wow! It feels like Kwanzaa just ended and now it's already Luther's Day. The day when we celebrate the life of Luther who reformed the Church, ended segregation and defeated the alien warlord Kal of Krypton.
Hail Luther!
What should we do to best remember the great Luther?
Signed
Luther Lover on Lexington
24340
Post by: aka_tizz
What should we do to best remember the great Luther?
You get all friends and people that you know, write "Luther" on their butts and "What's your name?" on their foreheads, and then get drunk till you don't know what their name(and yours) is anymore.
And when you forgot, ask them what their name is...and they'll show you 'The badge'. Thus, Luther will never be forgotten.
Teh Spehss Emporeh,
I want to become one of your children (i.e. an Emperor's Child as in The Emperor's Children as in Slaanesh worshipper). But the problem is, i have no sense of humour at all and my only pleasure is to play DoW all day with my nerdy friends and masturbate at Rowboat's picture cause i think he's the most awesome guy of them all (except for Alpharius but no one has a picture of him). Besides, I do not like Chaos and i kick arse in DoW with your guys the Spehss Mehreens. What should I do to be one of your Children? Thank you in advance
24171
Post by: ANGRY!
hmmm, ill probably regret this but, yes, join chaos, there losing troops and we need a decent enemy.
oh and btw, GET off your FAT DoW PLAYING ASS AND STOP GETTING FREINDLY WITH ROWBOAT'S PIC
I mean SERIOSLY! YOU SLAANESHI TRANZ!
empraH of the FOOD STASH!
Dear the sphess empraror
I AM VERY ANNOYED! I WANT THIS WEEKS PAY, PLUS EXTRER FOR KILLING THAT CARNIFEX. IT WAS BLOODY HARD! MMMK!
Thank you and have a nice day! : )
24489
Post by: Orky-Kowboy
ANGRY! wrote: Dear the sphess empraror
I AM VERY ANNOYED! I WANT THIS WEEKS PAY, PLUS EXTRER FOR KILLING THAT CARNIFEX. IT WAS BLOODY HARD! MMMK!
Thank you and have a nice day! : )
Dear minion,
I, your Overliege and mighty SPHESS EMPRAROR, have heard your cry. And behold, while the feat you performed, namely the slaying of said Carnifex Maximex, is indeed noteworthy and fruitful, the manner in which the beast was dispatched leaves much 2 B desired, for indeed the Chief Inquisitor of your sector has informed me that the beast was slain by an act of abominable rape. Therefore, and for your bodacious Carnirape, I grant you the wages of a Carnirapist: the spanking of your bum-bum.
THE EMPORAH HAS SPOKEN!
Dear Spess Emprahr
Why my gillfliend no make time 4 me?!!! Me give her hugz + mwahmwah mwah but still no phone call. Unbelievable! Advice, plees.
1
15002
Post by: Vulkan_He'stan
Orky-Kowboy wrote:
Dear Spess Emprahr
Why my gillfliend no make time 4 me?!!! Me give her hugz + mwahmwah mwah but still no phone call. Unbelievable! Advice, plees.
omg its horus back from the grave
from the spesss emperor
dear Dad
I haven't seen you in a very long time.
Do you think we could meet up and discuss the Calgar problem?
yours faithfully
Vulkan
unto the anvil of war
unto the fire of battle
5526
Post by: CplPunishment
Vulkan_He'stan wrote:
dear Dad
I haven't seen you in a very long time.
Do you think we could meet up and discuss the Calgar problem?
yours faithfully
Vulkan
unto the anvil of war
unto the fire of battle
I haven't talked to him since I divorced Carol, my mail order bride from Valhalla. As it turned out, Carol was actually a Carl and I'm liek the immortal space emeror. I can't be gay. Calgar was all liek "Why did you divorce her! She was nice to me! I hate you!" and I was all liek, "wow, you're not actually my son you know. You can leave my house any time you want." Anyway, he left and I just didn't have the heart to tell him the truth of the matter.
Plus that lying little would totally tell all the space marines I'm gay!
Yours truly,
the totally NOT homosexual space emperor of mankind,
the immortal space emperor.
Dear most wise and hallowed space Emperor,
My best friend keeps claiming to be both the bigest AND the strongest. I'll concede that he is obviosly bigger, but I refuse agree with him that size and strenth are directly proportional in every instance. Every time I make this point, he threatens to crump me like the little git I supposedly am. He's keeps antagonizing me and always trys to escalate our dispute into an out and out deathmatch. He's always angry--it's so bad that his face is constantly green. I fear for my friend's health and hope you can settle our dispute in a peaceful manner to prevent any blood from being spilled. Can you please help me, immortal space emperor? You're my only hope.
Respectfully yours,
Confused Guardsman on Armageddon
5212
Post by: Gitzbitah
CplPunishment wrote:
Dear most wise and hallowed space Emperor,
My best friend keeps claiming to be both the bigest AND the strongest. I'll concede that he is obviosly bigger, but I refuse agree with him that size and strenth are directly proportional in every instance. Every time I make this point, he threatens to crump me like the little git I supposedly am. He's keeps antagonizing me and always trys to escalate our dispute into an out and out deathmatch. He's always angry--it's so bad that his face is constantly green. I fear for my friend's health and hope you can settle our dispute in a peaceful manner to prevent any blood from being spilled. Can you please help me, immortal space emperor? You're my only hope.
Respectfully yours,
Confused Guardsman on Armageddon
Dear Confused,
Seriously? You're asking me for a peaceful solution? When my legs and 90% of my body was crippled by that little backstabber Horus, did I make peace with Chaos? Hell no! I built a mindgun and a throne to keep what was left of my body alive and have been fighting in the warp for aeons. Without any sleep. True, the remaining 10% of my body that I can feel is under almost constant stimulation from the Sisters of Silence (What up ladies!), but that is literally lifetimes of violence. Bigger definitely means better. Did you ever arm wrestle a Spess Marine? 8 feet of bulging muscle beats any guardsman out there. Size is also the main factor in determining if you're packing a lasgun, or a lascannon (What up ladies!).
Once I trade in this gold throne for a rainbow model that is mounted on a unicorn, I'll give you a peaceful solution. That's if I still have enough energy left after this hemp rainbow throne allows me to hug a tree again , or once I'm done smelling the rose bush in a planter in front of my nose. Until then, prove that you're the best! Shoot him in the back of the head while he's asleep. That'll cauterize the wound and prevent any blood from being shed, sissy. If you must use words, tell him he's 'OrK'. This is a little High Terran slang for 'I respect your viewpoint, but disagree with it'. It will be even more effective if you can fake a panic and point at your friend around some competent guardsmen.
The Emprah of Spess (and Ladies)
My lord, my liege, my lifegiver,
We have recently liberated a hive city from the 13th Black Crusade. I know it failed, but try telling that to the Chaos Marines guarding this place! Anyways, most of the survivors were traitors or dead by the time the shooting was over. Unfortunately, they managed to stash their children below the surface. They seem to have become a primitive cult of Emperor worship. They are convinced they can hear you through some xenos shell they call a conk, or conch or something. My dilemma is that they all seem to have colds, or have their faces covered in hideous pustules. Are they faithful to you, or bearers of Nurgle's rot? The Priest can't decide. He told me it takes at least a month after a bonfire of that size for him to smell evil again. Your reply can't get here soon enough. Many of my men are taken with the new conkcentric religion, and the rest of us are low on gas.
May your Throne glisten in golden glory forever,
Colonel Incinatus Hairatics the III
12061
Post by: halonachos
Dear Incited Heretic,
I commend you on your effort and success of cleansing the city of the traitors and the chaos. However, these people ARE indeed a mix of traitors and loyalists. I know, I know, you thought your work was over, but your job is still unfinished. You must continue to purge the hive of its traitorous elements, but I guess that you're wondering how you can sort them and burn the heretics right? Well it easy, just take the conch and look on the bottom for the phrase "Proof of Purchase". If this marking is absent then it is a heretic and they should be made to pay 50 credits and then burned for the fun of it. Once this is done, get yourself and your men conches, but don't use any of the credits you collect from the traitors, that's mine.
Yours in Enterprise
Teh Space Emp.
Dear Holy One,
For some reason my chimera won't work. I tried praying to the machine spirit, "His Emperor's" brand of Duct Tape, WD-40k, hitting it, and then taking it out on a romantic date. To my surprise it still doesn't work, I'm trying to get it to go 88mph, but it only reaches 86mph, is there anything you can recommend?
Martius McFlyus VII.
9407
Post by: Lint
Dear Holy One,
For some reason my chimera won't work. I tried praying to the machine spirit, "His Emperor's" brand of Duct Tape, WD-40k, hitting it, and then taking it out on a romantic date. To my surprise it still doesn't work, I'm trying to get it to go 88mph, but it only reaches 86mph, is there anything you can recommend?
Martius McFlyus VII.
Dear Marty,
Don't tell anybody I said this, but...... paint it red. Don't ask me how, or why, and certainly don't let your commissar know about it, but it will work. Trust me.
Dear holy one,
I moved into a new hab block recently, but there have been some strange things going on in my new digs. I keep waking up around 3am Terran Standard Time, and hearing "Catch them. Kill them." coming from my air recycler. Then I caught my son sleepwalking with my old guard issue shotgun, locked and loaded. What exactly is going on?
15248
Post by: Eldar Own
Damn beaten to it.
518
Post by: Kid_Kyoto
Dear holy one,
I moved into a new hab block recently, but there have been some strange things going on in my new digs. I keep waking up around 3am Terran Standard Time, and hearing "Catch them. Kill them." coming from my air recycler. Then I caught my son sleepwalking with my old guard issue shotgun, locked and loaded. What exactly is going on?
Oh that, that's just a feature of Hive World Amity. Y'see we build the Hab Blocks on an old Space Indian Burial Ground, and then a cult did some demonic rituals there and then these orphans were murdered and then this chick committed suicide out of unrequited love and... Yeah. Basically keep the guns and ammo and knives and blunt objects locked up, perform your weekly exorcism and never say Candyman 3x in a row and you'll be fine. Mostly. Cheers! E ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Most Glorious Bloodfather: Greetings! Thank you for our most illuminating meeting last month, I too agree it is high time we had a full codex for our most glorious chapter may properly bring glory to your glorious name. GLORY! After the meeting me and the boys were talking a bit and had some ideas, you don't have to take them but hear them out, I think they could work. Now Corry (REF: SANGIUNE PRIEST CORBULO) he was saying that like a land raider with a crapton of assault cannons is good, but what if like, it could FLY? That would be STUPIDAWESOME! And if we could assault out of it... well now you're cooking with gas! So how about it, a flying landraider with assault ramps and a crapton of assault cannons? And Mel (REF: Chief Librarian Mephiston, Lord of Death) he was thinking too. You know how we have zombie space marines, and werewolf space marines, and Creature from the Black Lagoon space marines, and of course the Vampire Space Marines. But what's missing? You got it! Frankenstein's Monster space marines! We don't have Frankenstein space marines! I know what you're going to say, they're awesome and we need them. But if we stop to make Codex Frankenstein's Monster Space Marines then the Nerds on the Internet will get all huffy and have nerdrage. BUT! BUT what if we include Frankenstein's Monster Space Marines in our Codex? They everyone is happy! Lastly Ty (REF: Company Captain Tycho) he has just 2 words for you, THUNDER BATS! So think about it and let me know! I'm just so excited! Sincerely Big D (REF: Chapter Master Dante)
20700
Post by: IvanTih
MMost Glorious Bloodfather:
Greetings!
Thank you for our most illuminating meeting last month, I too agree it is high time we had a full codex for our most glorious chapter may properly bring glory to your glorious name. GLORY!
After the meeting me and the boys were talking a bit and had some ideas, you don't have to take them but hear them out, I think they could work.
Now Corry (REF: SANGIUNE PRIEST CORBULO) he was saying that like a land raider with a crapton of assault cannons is good, but what if like, it could FLY? That would be STUPIDAWESOME! And if we could assault out of it... well now you're cooking with gas! So how about it, a flying landraider with assault ramps and a crapton of assault cannons?
And Mel (REF: Chief Librarian Mephiston, Lord of Death) he was thinking too. You know how we have zombie space marines, and werewolf space marines, and Creature from the Black Lagoon space marines, and of course the Vampire Space Marines. But what's missing? You got it! Frankenstein's Monster space marines! We don't have Frankenstein space marines! I know what you're going to say, they're awesome and we need them. But if we stop to make Codex Frankenstein's Monster Space Marines then the Nerds on the Internet will get all huffy and have nerdrage.
BUT! BUT what if we include Frankenstein's Monster Space Marines in our Codex? They everyone is happy!
Lastly Ty (REF: Company Captain Tycho) he has just 2 words for you, THUNDER BATS!
So think about it and let me know! I'm just so excited!
Sincerely
Big D (REF: Chapter Master Dante)
Dear Dante,
Why are you referring your battle brothers with acronyms,you are an example to them,you are space marine grandpa,Tycho is dead so how can he speak,this new codex is exciting,but no land raider can't fly,Nurgle has it's Frankestein'a marines so you don't need them,of you make them I will use my BIG E hammer against to you and how it's going with your chapter's black rage,I heard that those death guys are good.
Best wishes,
The Space Emperor
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Dear Space Emperor
What do you think of my preaching of cold logic and science to my hive,I discovered those OMFG scripts and they have revealed my true purpose,to free humanity from your worship(we still respect you as our ruler and as best human ever) and insert innovation into Adeptus Mechanicus.We respect you because you ruled ancient Terra under the name of Chuck Norris.
Yours everyday,
Tih
5212
Post by: Gitzbitah
IvanTih wrote:
Dear Space Emperor
What do you think of my preaching of cold logic and science to my hive,I discovered those OMFG scripts and they have revealed my true purpose,to free humanity from your worship(we still respect you as our ruler and as best human ever) and insert innovation into Adeptus Mechanicus.We respect you because you ruled ancient Terra under the name of Chuck Norris.
Yours everyday,
Tih
Dear, confused Tih
Free humanity from my worship? Good luck, every one of the Chaos powers have been trying that one for millennia. Clearly you have not been paying attention to my 'Codex' chapters recently. The Adeptus Mechanicus has released a new landspeeder, a new Landraider, and a new drop pod. I, the Omnissiah, have blessed my chapters with nearly double the available number of vehicles. Next, let's talk about your pronoun use. We is intended to apply to more than one individual. You are only one human, more or less. I expect less personally, this note reads like the squeaking of a ratling. You seem to have a great love of ancient history and mythology. As you no doubt are aware, I am very interested in old religions and improved knowledge of the time before me, known as the Dark Age. I would like for you to be part of my effort to enlighten my subjects. My Inquisitors will be arriving shortly to interrogate you and your cohorts, then turn you into the archival servo-hands, where your whole awareness will be in saving the place of one of my scribes. Your hand will itch, and you won't be able to reach it. Oh, and as a precaution against future heresy- I'm removing your finger. You know the one.
Sincerely,
His holee Emprah of Spess
Beloved Emperor,
I, Rogue Trader Palin, hav discovered a new planet of extremely well armed humanoids. They seem to be unusually large for humans, though they are smaller than Ogryns. They share many tendencies with Orks, including a marked tendency to put horns on their ground vehicles' hoods. Every citizen seems to carry 3 or 4 slug throwers about their person, and every vehicle has a rack for a shotgun. They seem to have an economy based upon promethium and ambull farming. Strangely, they showed no desire to join the Imperium. How should I respond?
*adorable wink* Looking forward to your reply,
Big E.
15180
Post by: ShadowAngel159
Beloved Emperor,
I, Rogue Trader Palin, hav discovered a new planet of extremely well armed humanoids. They seem to be unusually large for humans, though they are smaller than Ogryns. They share many tendencies with Orks, including a marked tendency to put horns on their ground vehicles' hoods. Every citizen seems to carry 3 or 4 slug throwers about their person, and every vehicle has a rack for a shotgun. They seem to have an economy based upon promethium and ambull farming. Strangely, they showed no desire to join the Imperium. How should I respond?
*adorable wink* Looking forward to your reply,
Big E.
Dear Big E.
Go to your nearest Inquisitor and ask him what to do. I'm busy fighting Chaos from taking over this pathetic galaxy! Seriously! All you sad little humans constantly beg me to solve all your problems. "Save us from the tyranids!" "Destroy Chaos once and for all!" "Stop the wars on Armageddon and Valhalla!"
Seriously people! I need a break from all this! Either shut up and ask someone else to fix your lousy issues in life, or I will quit fighting the Warp RIGHT NOW and let all these little pesky daemons feast on your souls!
Love,
The Space Emperor
Dear Space Emprah,
My daddy said I was old enough to go join the Space Marines now. Which chapter should I join? I don't wanna join the ULtrasmurfs, I mean ultramarines, cuz they are just too boring. And the space puppies, I mean space wolves, they just seem way too mean to people like me. So, I can life a rock with my mind. What's the big deal? And please don't eat me, Mr. Emprah. I want to serve you, but not by being eaten
So what chapter should I join?
Little psyker boy
518
Post by: Kid_Kyoto
Dear Space Emprah,
My daddy said I was old enough to go join the Space Marines now. Which chapter should I join? I don't wanna join the ULtrasmurfs, I mean ultramarines, cuz they are just too boring. And the space puppies, I mean space wolves, they just seem way too mean to people like me. So, I can life a rock with my mind. What's the big deal? And please don't eat me, Mr. Emprah. I want to serve you, but not by being eaten
So what chapter should I join?
Little psyker boy
I can tell you love me very much, with every part of your body, even your pee-pee. So you should look at the Black Space Marines because they love me very much. But they don't like psykers. So I guess I'll have to eat you after all. Please slather yourself with BBQ sauce and report to the nearest Inquisition office.
Hungry, Hungry, Emperor
----------------------------------------------------------
Dear Space Emperor in Chief:
I didn't say anything when a Black Templar Barracus was chosen as warmaster even though when I was a scout his kind knew their place.
I didn't say anything when he tried to give medkits to guardsmen even though this is clearly Space Communism.
But now he's gone too far!
Warmaster Barracus wants to repeal the 'Hardly Ever Torture, Hardly Ever Confess' policy and allow heteros to serve openly in the Space Marines!
Now I'm no heterophobe, but when I unite my warrior essence with a Battle Brother I want to know he feels the same love and devotion I do.
I want to know that when scouts are called in to polish the Chaplain's Rod that their hearts are in it, that they are not dreaming of some weak-limbed female barely able to lift a chainsword!
You must do something before Barracus ruins the Space Marines!
Sincerely
Chaplain Cassius
On Ultramar
16387
Post by: Manchu
Cassius,
Are you talking about Vulkan B'rak, the newly elected Chapter Master of the Salamanders? I love that guy. There were a lot of reports from some heretic named Palin who dubbed herself a "Rogue Trader." Turns out she was nothing but an ork and is now off trying to start a Waaaagh! because she's jealous that the Salamanders look better in green than her. (I almost had Commissar McCain shoot himself for falling for her dupe, but the man is basically dead as it is.) Anyway, before you go ragging on B'rak ask yourself whether or not humanity might be better off actually enjoying the protection of the Space Marines, even including fair access to medkits. Warp take you, there's no reason why the poorest guardsman can't see a field medic when you fat cat Marines have the best Apothecaries aptus non planetary economies can buy. Sometimes I think I'm the only one who remembers the values of the Forefather--me--fought for in the Great Crusade. As to your backward take on sexual orientation--oh puh-lease! Everyone knows the Ultramarines are the biggest closet heteros out there. You all join up just to avoid having to talk to girls.
Nearly dead but better informed than a certain chaplain,
IMPERATOR OMNIPOTENS
Dear Boss,
It's been snowing here on Cadia for days now. I can't even get my baneblade out of the motor pool to head into the office. I wouldn't complain about one day away from work but the lost hours are going to start cutting into my War Machine miniatures budget given that I refinanced my Reaver Titan in the 990sM41. Any chance you could help me out?
Outflanking the 40k world from within it? But that would take some kind of tactical gen--,
CREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEED
518
Post by: Kid_Kyoto
Dear Boss,
It's been snowing here on Cadia for days now. I can't even get my baneblade out of the motor pool to head into the office. I wouldn't complain about one day away from work but the lost hours are going to start cutting into my War Machine miniatures budget given that I refinanced my Reaver Titan in the 990sM41. Any chance you could help me out?
Outflanking the 40k world from within it? But that would take some kind of tactical gen--,
CREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEED
This message was edited 3 times. Last update was at Feb/08/2010 20:42:58
Dear Mr. E
Tell me about it! I was stuck here for 3 days with nothing to do but talk to the Zombified Corpse of Malcador the Sigillite. I mean he's an interesting guy and stuff but how long can I hear about his love of model railroads?
Lemme tell ya, the Al Gore guy and his Galactic Warming, I'm fricking sending the Space Wolfs to kick his butt.
Teh Space Emporer of Space
------------------------------------------------------------------
My beloved!
How could you do this to me? After all we shared, those long nights, those gentle whispers, those cheese omlettes for breakfast, I can't believe you would do this to me!
I mean we both knew it would be hard having a long-distance relationship but you have your work and I have mine and we promised to keep in touch.
But what happens when I called for St. Lovinkiss Day?
SHE ANSWERS!
You know who I mean, that aneorexic harpy St Celestine, Heiromartyr of the Palantine Crusade! Oh sure she said she just stopped over to borrow some sugar but we know what that's code for don't we!
They were all lies weren't they? All those promises of a new codex, flying land raiders and Thunder Bats. Just lies. I should have known. YOu never loved us. That's why we never got a real codex to call our own. Just half codexes and mini-dexs and PDFs. I'm too old for this crap.
Horus was right wasn't he? I bet the Eye would be glad to have us!
Yours no longer
Chapter Master Dante
Blood Angels
16387
Post by: Manchu
My beloved!
How could you do this to me? After all we shared, those long nights, those gentle whispers, those cheese omlettes for breakfast, I can't believe you would do this to me!
I mean we both knew it would be hard having a long-distance relationship but you have your work and I have mine and we promised to keep in touch.
But what happens when I called for St. Lovinkiss Day?
SHE ANSWERS!
You know who I mean, that aneorexic harpy St Celestine, Heiromartyr of the Palantine Crusade! Oh sure she said she just stopped over to borrow some sugar but we know what that's code for don't we!
They were all lies weren't they? All those promises of a new codex, flying land raiders and Thunder Bats. Just lies. I should have known. YOu never loved us. That's why we never got a real codex to call our own. Just half codexes and mini-dexs and PDFs. I'm too old for this crap.
Horus was right wasn't he? I bet the Eye would be glad to have us!
Yours no longer
Chapter Master Dante
Blood Angels
Dear sweet Dante,
I am shocked--shocked, I tell you--at how desperate a certain wing-ed Sororita can be. Not only did she break into my palace, crease several pages in the latest issue of my favorite magazine (No Quarter, in case you were wondering), and steal at least three pairs of my Golden Boxers BUT she even had the nerve to change my answering machine message. You must have called while she was trying to placate the archeotech's machine spirit. The psycho had the thing saying that I couldn't come to the vox because I had whisked her away for a weekend on the garden worlds of Ultramar. Dante, you've been to the palace many times. You know I'm in no position to whisk anybody anywhere. And, I mean, even if I could, Ultramar? Really?
The whole thing is my own fault, I freely admit. After being couped up in the palace for three weekends thanks to all the snow(warp)storms, I gave the poor Custodes a day off. I thought, what's one day in ten thousand years? What could go wrong? But I've suffered for my carelessness. As you know, Dante, I am completely imobile. Conscious, of course, but unable to move whatsoever. That means that I had to endure her schizophrenic ravings about "us" and "where our relationship is going" for the entire day. I did consider evaporating her from the face of the universe WITH MY MIND but I don't want to set a bad example for Magnus. By the way, what are you talking about "Horus was right wasn't he?" Right about what? And while we're on that subject, have you seen him around lately? For a favorite son, he hardly bothers to visit his dear old dad these days. And Sanguinius, too. He can surely put the hairbrush down for a few moments to come and chit chat. Ah well, that's young people for you.
And to assuage your fears about the future of your Codex, my boy, let me show you what Adeptus Advertisium has been cooking up, although I'd be surprised if you hadn't seen it already. You know how things get leaked over the webway.
Well, I hope you like it. They tell me that vampires are what all the young hivers are going crazy over these days so I think it will be an effective campaign. But for your insolence, I'm taking out the Thunderbats. You just think of those Thunderbats the next time you decide to sass me.
Firm but fair,
IMPERATOR OMNIPOTENS + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + Almighty Liege, As you foresaw, the Space Marine Winter Olympics were a resounding success. Not knowing whether your Divine Majesty had the leisure to follow the games personally, we are supplying a selection of highlights. The Space Wolves rounded out their usual golds in the various drinking-related events (namely, hockey), although many citizens are openly speculating that this is only because the World Eaters and Death Guard are no longer allowed to participate. These dissidents are being ruthlessly purged from the ranks of the faithful as a matter of course. The gold in short track speed skating was another sure thing, nabbed once again by the White Scars. More hotly contested was the gold in curling. The Iron Hands are the traditional favorites for this faintly ridiculous sport but were toppled this time by the Raven Guard. Unfortunately, these Chapters are even less popular than curling itself so the upset was lost on most spectators. Couples figure skating saw another, although much more widely followed, tense rivalry. While no one could deny the passion of the Blood Angels--a truly heartfelt performance by Mephiston and Corbulo--the gold medal went to the Dark Angels. When it comes to grace and precision not to mention a certain natural chemistry, Sammael and Belial remain unmatched. As you commanded, all other gold and silver medals went by default to the Ultramarines while all bronze medals were awarded to the Imperial Fists. We trust You are well please, mighty Emperor of Mankind. But we submit ourselves to Your commentary and appraisal of the games. Your servants, The Imperial Commission for the MMDX Space Marine Winter Olympics
17718
Post by: Drk_Oblitr8r
Manchu wrote:Almighty Liege,
As you foresaw, the Space Marine Winter Olympics were a resounding success. Not knowing whether your Divine Majesty had the leisure to follow the games personally, we are supplying a selection of highlights. The Space Wolves rounded out their usual golds in the various drinking-related events (namely, hockey), although many citizens are openly speculating that this is only because the World Eaters and Death Guard are no longer allowed to participate. These dissidents are being ruthlessly purged from the ranks of the faithful as a matter of course. The gold in short track speed skating was another sure thing, nabbed once again by the White Scars. More hotly contested was the gold in curling. The Iron Hands are the traditional favorites for this faintly ridiculous sport but were toppled this time by the Raven Guard. Unfortunately, these Chapters are even less popular than curling itself so the upset was lost on most spectators. Couples figure skating saw another, although much more widely followed, tense rivalry. While no one could deny the passion of the Blood Angels--a truly heartfelt performance by Mephiston and Corbulo--the gold medal went to the Dark Angels. When it comes to grace and precision not to mention a certain natural chemistry, Sammael and Belial remain unmatched. As you commanded, all other gold and silver medals went by default to the Ultramarines while all bronze medals were awarded to the Imperial Fists.
We trust You are well please, mighty Emperor of Mankind. But we submit ourselves to Your commentary and appraisal of the games.
Your servants,
The Imperial Commission for the MMDX Space Marine Winter Olympics
Dear Imperial Commission for the MMDX Space Marines Winter Olympics,
I found myself taking extra shifts at "McEmperor's" and didn't remember that they were being held. Although I remember meeting Russ just after the Closing Ceremonies. He was saying something, although I didn't really understand what he was saying. You know how he is, I just didn't have the heart to tell him I could understand his drunken slurr, so I politely nodded, and said "I told you that sister was crazy" as normally done. After a while, he handed me a previously used needly, and his tone sounded almost full of pride. Well, more than normal for Leman anyway. Said something about Black Templars, and swung his fist through the air and ---
Wait, did you just say "As you commanded, all other gold and silver medals went by default to the Ultramarines"? Who gave you that command? I know I would never do such a thing. Did Roboute tell you that? Ever since he wrote that book, he's thought he was the voice of the Emperor. Ohh well, now that they're over we can stop pretending to care about winter sports.
The Emperor of Mankind.
-------------------------------
To The Emperor!
I was wondering if you could explain this
This guy claims to be you, he even wear Golden Armour and has a David Bowie obsession just like you. Is he you?
Your buddy Firion.
P.S. I want my copy of FF2 back!
518
Post by: Kid_Kyoto
Drk_Oblitr8r wrote:
To The Emperor!
I was wondering if you could explain this
This guy claims to be you, he even wear Golden Armour and has a David Bowie obsession just like you. Is he you?
Your buddy Firion.
P.S. I want my copy of FF2 back!
Oh my me! Where did you find my yearbook picture! Oh embarassing, I mean I know it was the 10,000s and that's what we were all wearing back then but really... Boy would my face be red if there was any skin left on it!
Hey Zombified Corpse of Malcador the Sigillite, take a look at this, can you believe I used to look like that?
PAAAAAAINS!
Huh, you said it old buddy. Thanks for the laugh.
E
PS I don't have your copy of the Fiend Folio 2, check with Rogal hey was always going on and on about his 35th level paladin.
-------------------------------------------------
Hey man, long time reader, first time writer...
So the other day my and my buddies were eating an entire Grand Company of Iron Warriors and their 600 Defilers when all of the sudden some internet nerd comes by and says we can't deepstrike under a unit. I'm all like 'dude that's like my thing!' and he's like we have to deep strike NEXT TO the unit and hope we scatter. And I'm all like then it will take forever to eat these 600 Defilers but the Internet Nerd was very insistant.
So what do you think?
Love Malock the Tyranid
14938
Post by: Orkestra
Hey man, long time reader, first time writer...
So the other day my and my buddies were eating an entire Grand Company of Iron Warriors and their 600 Defilers when all of the sudden some internet nerd comes by and says we can't deepstrike under a unit. I'm all like 'dude that's like my thing!' and he's like we have to deep strike NEXT TO the unit and hope we scatter. And I'm all like then it will take forever to eat these 600 Defilers but the Internet Nerd was very insistant.
So what do you think?
Love Malock the Tyranid
Hey there Malock.
First things first, nice job on eating those Iron Warriors. Crunchy on the outside, Chewy on the inside, amirite?
All I can say is that deepstriking beside the target never satisfied nobody. I say just burrow under Internet Nerd's house and make like he's a defiler. But, you know, a squishy one. Not one of those big chaos spidery things. Those things give me nightmares (and indigestion, amirite?).
That should solve everything.
THE EMPORER
P.S. Sorry for saying amirite so much, but I guess that's what mellenia of sitting in the same place with only a 56k modem will do to you.
Amirite or amirite?
To: Teh Space Emp
Subject: THEY CAN'T DO THAT!
Those bloody orks crushed my rhino! That was a vintage rhino, which my dad got back in M33! I'd been restoring it, and I had just ordered a book on how to restore the original chrome track-guards when out of nowhere this huge thing runs it over with a big spiked steamroller bit on the front of a tank! I stopped the driver and patiently explained how he wasn't allowed to do that. Everyone knows that you ram it with the front of the tank, not with a big spiked roller thingy. It's how we've always done it. The big spiky roll-y bit always manages to somehow miss the vehicle! Then the ugly brute just showed me a piece of paper he called a 'roit proppa f ', or something to that effect.
What I want to know is who are these " GW" people and why are they giving orks these so-called f permits to run over my RHINO!
Anxious Admech
518
Post by: Kid_Kyoto
To: Teh Space Emp
Subject: THEY CAN'T DO THAT!
Those bloody orks crushed my rhino! That was a vintage rhino, which my dad got back in M33! I'd been restoring it, and I had just ordered a book on how to restore the original chrome track-guards when out of nowhere this huge thing runs it over with a big spiked steamroller bit on the front of a tank! I stopped the driver and patiently explained how he wasn't allowed to do that. Everyone knows that you ram it with the front of the tank, not with a big spiked roller thingy. It's how we've always done it. The big spiky roll-y bit always manages to somehow miss the vehicle! Then the ugly brute just showed me a piece of paper he called a 'roit proppa f ', or something to that effect.
What I want to know is who are these " GW" people and why are they giving orks these so-called f permits to run over my RHINO!
Anxious Admech
I know the kind of heartbreak that is. Like this one time I was resorting a MkI landraider, y'know those classic ones with the wrap around tracks and all that, gorgeous machine, can't get them anymore, only those crappy MkIIIs that look like the APC from aliens had a baby with a WWI tanks. Anyway there I am restoring the engine, told everyone not to bug me, and then out of no where Horus' brat kid, wasshisname Adam Bomb or something, busts in and blows it up! I was all like WHAT THE ME? So I teleported up to Horus' battle barge and gave him a stern talking to. I think I might have been a bit harsh now that I think about it, haven't seen him since.
Anyway, ramming, ramming, didn't I say something ramming? Lemme check... rummage, rummage... yeah here it is!
'Tis the dawn of the 3rd age of mankind, a new age where there will be no more range modifiers, no more different stats for chainswords, no more ramming and no more squats'.
So there you go, I got rid of ramming 2 or 3 editions ago. Why if I brought back ramming I'd have to bring back the squats too!
So there you go
The Emp
-------------------------------------------------------
Dear my most beloved Emperor:
I fear I am going mad!
Yesterday Dan (REF: CHAPTER MASTER DANTE) called a meeting about people eating sandwiches in the Fortress Monastery Fridge even though they clearly said 'Dan' (REF: CHAPTER MASTER DANTE) on them. That's not the crazy part though. The crazy part is halfway through this 10' angel made of SOLID GOLD shows up and says sorry he's late. Now I've been with the Chapter for like a 1000 years and I'm sure I'd remember if we had a 10' tall angel made of SOLID GOLD am a right? So I ask Corry (REF: SANGIUNE PRIEST CORBULO) and he say's the guy is named Stan-something and looks at me like I'm nuts.
Then later I'm in a budget meeting and this Frankenstein Monster guy comes in. I asked Mel (REF: CHIEF LIBRARIAN MEPHISTON, LORD OF DEATH) and he looked at me like I was nuts. Now don't get me wrong, that Frankenstein's Monster guy is a sharp cookie, he's going to save us $100 a month on copy paper but you'd think I would have seen him around before.
And now-
wwwhhhooossshhh!
BAM!
Holy @#$%! An Emperor-Damned land raider just fell out of the sky and almost squished me!
What @#$% is going on here?
Sincerely
Ty (REF: CAPTAIN TYCHO)
PS - aren't I dead or something?
299
Post by: Kilkrazy
Dear my most beloved Emperor:
I fear I am going mad!
Yesterday Dan (REF: CHAPTER MASTER DANTE) called a meeting about people eating sandwiches in the Fortress Monastery Fridge even though they clearly said 'Dan' (REF: CHAPTER MASTER DANTE) on them. That's not the crazy part though. The crazy part is halfway through this 10' angel made of SOLID GOLD shows up and says sorry he's late. Now I've been with the Chapter for like a 1000 years and I'm sure I'd remember if we had a 10' tall angel made of SOLID GOLD am a right? So I ask Corry (REF: SANGIUNE PRIEST CORBULO) and he say's the guy is named Stan-something and looks at me like I'm nuts.
Then later I'm in a budget meeting and this Frankenstein Monster guy comes in. I asked Mel (REF: CHIEF LIBRARIAN MEPHISTON, LORD OF DEATH) and he looked at me like I was nuts. Now don't get me wrong, that Frankenstein's Monster guy is a sharp cookie, he's going to save us $100 a month on copy paper but you'd think I would have seen him around before.
And now-
wwwhhhooossshhh!
BAM!
Holy @#$%! An Emperor-Damned land raider just fell out of the sky and almost squished me!
What @#$% is going on here?
Sincerely
Ty (REF: CAPTAIN TYCHO)
PS - aren't I dead or something?
Dear Captain Tycho,
I’ll send you a couple of packs of these, then you won’t have any more trouble with people pinching your lunch.
I used to put all my psykers in them but they were dying before I could get to eat them, so now I have them brought in on a continuously moving conveyor belt. It’s hard for people to grab them off.
Yours,
The Emp
Dear Almighty Emporer,
A few weeks ago I was in the middle of a battle with some Orks.
The stupid Greenskins tried to ram me with their laughable battlewagon, equipped with some sort of primitive mine-clearance contraption attached to the front. Naturally it bounced right off my holy side armour like an Eldar shuriken bouncing off a suit of Tactical Dreadnought Armour.
The next day the battle continued and the Orks tried again to ram. This time, their mine roller chewed through my sacred AV14 ceramite like it wasn’t there! I was barely able to get home for repairs.
What is going on?
Technically Yours,
The Machine Spirit
Chapter Space Snarks Land Raider no.10110010101010000001011100100110101100101010001001010000110
Depticon Alpha, the Ghost Stars Sector
299
Post by: Kilkrazy
Dear Almighty Emporer,
A few weeks ago I was in the middle of a battle with some Orks.
The stupid Greenskins tried to ram me with their laughable battlewagon, equipped with some sort of primitive mine-clearance contraption attached to the front. Naturally it bounced right off my holy side armour like an Eldar shuriken bouncing off a suit of Tactical Dreadnought Armour.
The next day the battle continued and the Orks tried again to ram. This time, their mine roller chewed through my sacred AV14 ceramite like it wasn’t there! I was barely able to get home for repairs.
What is going on?
Technically Yours,
The Machine Spirit
Chapter Space Snarks Land Raider no.10110010101010000001011100100110101100101010001001010000110
Depticon Alpha, the Ghost Stars Sector
Dear The Machine Spirit , Chapter Space Snarks Land Raider no. 10110010101010000001011100100110101100101010001001010000110,
Sometimes I take a look at reality and think it isn’t really as good as it could be. Then I tinker around a bit, click the ‘difficulty switch’ up a notch or so, and generally improve things.
Rest assured that all is for the best, in the best of all possible universes, and it will be even better when the next codex is released.
Yours smugly,
Emp Dood.
Dare ehT Space Emporer,
The other day I was driving my Chimera with the hatch open because it was a hot day. Suddenly a Vespid flew in and it was all buzzing around and getting in my face.
I hate them Vespids, because they sting like hell, but I knew it would be dangerous to swat the bastard while driving so I stopped at the side of the road to get rid of it safely.
Next think I know, some stupid Military Policeman is giving me a fine for stopping in a bus lane!
Please will you fix the ticket for me because I got three points on my track-laying vehicle driver licence.
Yours frustratedly,
A Loyal Tank Driver,
5th N00bian Light Recon.
Hollywood
518
Post by: Kid_Kyoto
Kilkrazy wrote:
Dare ehT Space Emporer,
The other day I was driving my Chimera with the hatch open because it was a hot day. Suddenly a Vespid flew in and it was all buzzing around and getting in my face.
I hate them Vespids, because they sting like hell, but I knew it would be dangerous to swat the bastard while driving so I stopped at the side of the road to get rid of it safely.
Next think I know, some stupid Military Policeman is giving me a fine for stopping in a bus lane!
Please will you fix the ticket for me because I got three points on my track-laying vehicle driver licence.
Yours frustratedly,
A Loyal Tank Driver,
5th N00bian Light Recon.
Hollywood
Dear n00b
Well there's your problem right there, I forbid opening the top hatch of the Chimera about a year ago. Instead you should just stick your heads out of some of the 5 fire points (I know it looks like there are six fire points but there aren't, and there never were).
I might still be inclined to help you out but my Emperor Omnicience tells me you were eaten by Tyranids a week ago.\
Your in Mercy
The Emp
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
My Lord
First I want to say I totaly support the War on Chaos, the Other War on Chaos and the Other, Other War on Chaos even if they all seem to end in ties.
I also want to say I totally support the Ten Child Policy. After all how can we stop the Green Pigs or the Space Bugs unless we have enough guardsmen to fight with?
However I think I forsee a problem. Naturally boys are better than girls since boys have higher upper body strength and don't have coodies. However I think many mothers have been taking Pro-Men drugs to ensure they only have boys. For example in my my sixth son's Youth Guard Regiment (Jimmy, he's in the Fighting 9,383rd you might remember given them your blessing last month) there is only one girl and she's the commissar.
I worry that in a few years our 99 boy to one girl ratio may make it difficult to maintain our population and hope you are working on a solution.
Sincerely
Proud Poppa on Pluto
14938
Post by: Orkestra
My Lord
First I want to say I totaly support the War on Chaos, the Other War on Chaos and the Other, Other War on Chaos even if they all seem to end in ties.
I also want to say I totally support the Ten Child Policy. After all how can we stop the Green Pigs or the Space Bugs unless we have enough guardsmen to fight with?
However I think I forsee a problem. Naturally boys are better than girls since boys have higher upper body strength and don't have coodies. However I think many mothers have been taking Pro-Men drugs to ensure they only have boys. For example in my my sixth son's Youth Guard Regiment (Jimmy, he's in the Fighting 9,383rd you might remember given them your blessing last month) there is only one girl and she's the commissar.
I worry that in a few years our 99 boy to one girl ratio may make it difficult to maintain our population and hope you are working on a solution.
Sincerely
Proud Poppa on Pluto
Dear Proud Poppa;
First off, what are you doing still living on Pluto? Real men live on planets.
As to our large population of males, I have a couple of solutions in mind. Let me share my thoughts with you.
1) Test tube babies.
- Upsides include not needing women (they're icky anyway) and never having to buy flowers. Plus, it worked for the Primarchs!
- Downsides: Chaos keeps scattering all test tube babies throughout the Galaxy. On the other hand, if we have enough test tube babies, eventually it'll all even out anyway.
2) Ancient Methods.
I was reading some of my old magazines from back around good old M2, and I discovered that there was a woman who had 8 babies at once. 8! Isn't that crazy? I certainly thought so. Anyways, I was chatting with Slaanesh during one of our endless battles, and he sold me these magic beans. I'm going to give them to some of the women on Terra and see what happens.
In any case, rest assured that we need lots of men to save the galaxy, so it's okay if your son can't get a date. Goodness knows I haven't met a nice girl since that Alicia...
THE SPACE EMPORER.
Dur Spass Emprorereror,
Yer a bunch of weedy gits, and so'z yer mother!
Sinzerrly,
Da fishy emperorerer.
P.S. I'm da real emper... ampor... Boss dude. Me an' my fishmen is gonna wipe the floor with yer unless you kill us all. We'z got lots of dakka!
P.P.S. Dis is really a toe dude and really not da orkz. Orkz is great.
18567
Post by: CadianXV
Orkestra wrote:
THE SPACE EMPORER.
Dur Spass Emprorereror,
Yer a bunch of weedy gits, and so'z yer mother!
Sinzerrly,
Da fishy emperorerer.
P.S. I'm da real emper... ampor... Boss dude. Me an' my fishmen is gonna wipe the floor with yer unless you kill us all. We'z got lots of dakka!
P.P.S. Dis is really a toe dude and really not da orkz. Orkz is great.
Dear Fish Emperor (who is definitely not an Ork), That is not a question, so should not be submitted to 'Ask the Space Emporer!' Dear Emperor,
One of my crew became intoxicated during the Warp Jump to Calaxis VII. What should I do with him?
Rouge Trader Orion Falchus
299
Post by: Kilkrazy
Dear Emperor,
One of my crew became intoxicated during the Warp Jump to Calaxis VII. What should I do with him?
Rouge Trader Orion Falchus
Dear Rouge Trader Orion Falchus,
A raw egg and a good dash of Worcestershire Sauce whipped up in a glass of brandy works wonders.
Don’t waste your best brandy on him though.
Cheers and trebles all round!
Teh Spase Emperor.
Dear The Space Emporer,
I represent the Fishmen hunting community of the Damocles Gulf.
As you know, it is an important part of our traditional culture to hunt the Tuna-faced Fishmen. The proposed ban on Fishmen hunting will seriously damage our livelihood and our traditional way of life.
I therefore implore you in your Imporial wisdom, not to ban Fishmen hunting outright. Couldn’t a sensible quota system be organised instead?
Yours enthusiastically,
Sahpaic Naic
Chairman, the Damocles Gulf Fishmen Hunter’s Union.
14070
Post by: SagesStone
Kilkrazy wrote:Dear The Space Emporer,
I represent the Fishmen hunting community of the Damocles Gulf.
As you know, it is an important part of our traditional culture to hunt the Tuna-faced Fishmen. The proposed ban on Fishmen hunting will seriously damage our livelihood and our traditional way of life.
I therefore implore you in your Imporial wisdom, not to ban Fishmen hunting outright. Couldn’t a sensible quota system be organised instead?
Yours enthusiastically,
Sahpaic Naic
Chairman, the Damocles Gulf Fishmen Hunter’s Union.
Dear Sahpaic Naic,
I can't understand why someone would ban Fishmen hunting back in my day I would take all the little Primarchs down to the local Fishen lake a few kegs and then I'd let them run around the edge of the water you know, fething up the ecosystem. Meanwhile I'd get wasted as that's what Fishmen hunting is all about, Russ would sneak up and sneak some away. I knew about it but I let him do it because I'm cool and laidback like that. The Lion however wouldn't stop whining about Russ smashin the crap out of the Fishmen they caught. I mean they'd grb them snap their necks and throw them into the basket and a little drunken Russ would walk up and start punching the crap out of them. At first I though it was Angron again, but he was off punching the crap out of everything else, he has serious issues I wouldn't trust him with beer that's for sure.
Anyway the little hallmonitors, the Inquisition, that claims they're doing "my plan" have a thing about hunting and killing abhumans. You tell them about this and they'll burn the guys making the ban and help you hunt those fishmen. If they want to do something fancy like destroy all the bio-matter there. Just say that the planet would be better for the imperium if you hunted down and killed every last one of them with your bare hands. Then show them this letter if they think about executing you.
The Emperor of Mankind
PS: My real plan is Fishmen hunting while really really drunk.
Dear Emperor,
Why can't you give those hard working Cadians a break next Tuesday? They're so awesome at stopping me I won't even try anything.
Your pal,
Abaddon
5212
Post by: Gitzbitah
n0t_u wrote:
Dear Emperor,
Why can't you give those hard working Cadians a break next Tuesday? They're so awesome at stopping me I won't even try anything.
Your pal,
Abaddon
Dear Abaddon,
Well, I suppose they do need a break. After all, everyone needs to do something relaxing and ridiculously easy every now and again. I can't leave the Cadian Gates unguarded though, I'll need a force capable of stopping your next Bland Crusade. Come to think of it, I saw some schoolgirls in uniforms selling cookies to my Techpriest yesterday. That's it! You'll have to face the Brownies of Battle Troop 416. Be prepared to pay a hefty price- at least 10 Empdollars for a box of cookies. After they've beaten you back into the Blackeye of Terror, you'll at least have some delicious cookies to offer your dark gods.
Sincerely,
Da Emprah!
Light of thousand stars, shining beacon of humanity and other prisoners of the flesh-
I am very much enjoying your guest room in Mars, but find myself being awoken regularly by a psychic beacon in the warp. Would you mind turning it down? As much as I appreciate the worship of your subjects, I am becoming cranky and irritable.I may not be able to control all of the Machine Spirits I've replicated for you- but I really only need to control the one inside your Golden Throne. So let's make it clear- turn the blasted mind light down, or get up out of that chair and pull the curtains in the direction of Mars.
Source of all human achievement,
The Dragon
4760
Post by: lords2001
Light of thousand stars, shining beacon of humanity and other prisoners of the flesh-
I am very much enjoying your guest room in Mars, but find myself being awoken regularly by a psychic beacon in the warp. Would you mind turning it down? As much as I appreciate the worship of your subjects, I am becoming cranky and irritable.I may not be able to control all of the Machine Spirits I've replicated for you- but I really only need to control the one inside your Golden Throne. So let's make it clear- turn the blasted mind light down, or get up out of that chair and pull the curtains in the direction of Mars.
Source of all human achievement,
The Dragon
Dear Dragon - while your machines are entertaining, and I do like your new motion control sensors, you must understand remember that I have vanquished you easily since time immemorial. In fact, if you don't behave, I'll have you producing space puppy training programs for the new line of Imperial data slates - and forward all the fanmail to your address. You see, there are fates worse than death Anyway, I haven't seen much new from you for a while - getting a bit long in the tooth these days? I got a letter from your old friend The Outsider the other week - so don't go thinking you are the only Star God out there. True, the entire letter was gibberish, involving anatomically horrific and probably impossible suggestions as well as incredibly creative invective. But at least it was fresh. Unlike your latest scheme - another Mark of Space Marine armor with a few studs and cables shifted about. What next, a bolter with a slightly flared nozzle? Landraiders with fluffy dice on the mirrors? GET BACK TO WORK YOU SLACKER! Sincerely, The Emperor (your technological pimp). Dear Dad - I know we don't talk much any more, but I don't know who else to talk to. I was chilling with Mortarion the other day drinking some majorly toxic brews, and along comes Angron all angry about something. So I'm all like 'I know why you're angry' because I know all of that sort of stuff. And I knew he was going to say something nasty, and he totally did. This whole second sight thing totally sucks - I mean nobody really thinks I am cool, and I look like a total wierdo to most of the brothers, and whats worse is that I know they are going to say mean things, and then they do, so I hear it like twice! Not cool. Plus all my minions aren't really good for much conversation - they are always off stealing books, or just sitting around gathering dust. So how do I get people to like me more? Should I get a makeover? Fulgrim offered, but he had that wierd grin on that kind of makes me cautious. Thanks for the advice in advance. Magnus
14070
Post by: SagesStone
lords2001 wrote:Dear Dad -
I know we don't talk much any more, but I don't know who else to talk to. I was chilling with Mortarion the other day drinking some majorly toxic brews, and along comes Angron all angry about something. So I'm all like 'I know why you're angry' because I know all of that sort of stuff. And I knew he was going to say something nasty, and he totally did. This whole second sight thing totally sucks - I mean nobody really thinks I am cool, and I look like a total wierdo to most of the brothers, and whats worse is that I know they are going to say mean things, and then they do, so I hear it like twice! Not cool. Plus all my minions aren't really good for much conversation - they are always off stealing books, or just sitting around gathering dust.
So how do I get people to like me more? Should I get a makeover? Fulgrim offered, but he had that wierd grin on that kind of makes me cautious.
Thanks for the advice in advance.
Magnus
Dear Son with the coolest name,
You follow the freaky bird thing right, it's ike your pet or something I don't really pay much attention. Anyway he's all bout change right? So change everyone else to like you more or change yourself so you're liked more. Or change the ones that don't like you into a version of themselves only on fire and that will set them straight like the good old days.
The Emperor
Dear Jerk,
After seeing your last message I have decided to undo most of this plane of existance or call my brothers or break time. One of those three I'll let you guess.
Seriously hating you forever
Dragon
PS I changed my mailing service so that all that fan mail will be lost forever in the warp of the Imperium's mail service.
518
Post by: Kid_Kyoto
Dear Jerk,
After seeing your last message I have decided to undo most of this plane of existance or call my brothers or break time. One of those three I'll let you guess.
Seriously hating you forever
Dragon
PS I changed my mailing service so that all that fan mail will be lost forever in the warp of the Imperium's mail service.
Come on now Drags, you know I'm just kidding around.
Tell you what, I'll make a new 3D movie about you and then we'll be square OK?
The Emp
***************************************************************************************
Dear Chairman Teh Space Emporer
I am outraged, OUTRAGED, at the news that Craftworld Ghu'Gal has ended it's webway service in the Space Empire of Space. They say it's because of Imperial Censorship but don't they realize that the Space Empire only blocks some destinations to protect us from harmful things like the Eye of Terror, the Nose of Horror, the Ork Worlds, the Tau Federation, the Planet of Democracy and the Human Rights System? How dare they stop their service just because a few things are blocked? How will I live without my Gmail (which sends letters through the webway at near instant speed).
What will you do about this?
Mad as Heck on Mercury!
28166
Post by: Nihilistic
Worry not, worthless servitor. Soon the glorious and divine Imperial censorship will prevent you from ever contacting me again. Regardless, it is in your best interests and will block any sites containing: Pornography, soft core pornography, heretical writings or heretical pornography.
Your very much welcome!
Your favorite corpse.
To Mr Sir Space King
To whom it are concern. The Primarch of the Salamanders recently died and I am in favorable position to control his legion. Unfortunately, Inquisition red tape has made these assets ungettable. If you were to allow me the briefest use of your credit card/savings account/entire space empire I will happily repay you with 10,000 very, untainted guardsmen.
Regards, Vulkan
518
Post by: Kid_Kyoto
Nihilistic wrote:
To Mr Sir Space King
To whom it are concern. The Primarch of the Salamanders recently died and I am in favorable position to control his legion. Unfortunately, Inquisition red tape has made these assets ungettable. If you were to allow me the briefest use of your credit card/savings account/entire space empire I will happily repay you with 10,000 very, untainted guardsmen.
Regards, Vulkan
Oh boy! Oh boy! A whole Space Marine Legion and all you want is my bank account number! Soon I'll have Storm Eagles and Magic Flying Dreadnaughts and Paradropping Land Raiders and...
What do you mean the Salamanders don't get that? Well Forget them! And keep your guardsman, I only want Chimeras these days!
The Wise and Wonderful
SE
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Hello? Spacey? Is that you?
It better be you and not that Malacore guy, he's always trying to talk to me about my drains.
Anyway it's me. I wanted to remind you that next week is Mother's Day and your Older Brother the Galaxy Emperor is coming over to visit. You'll be coming too right? And please bring the grandkids, I feel like I haven't seen lil Horus in an age. Remember how he used to march around behind you saying he'd be just like you when he grows up? What's he up to these days anyway? He never calls anymore.
So I'll see you Sunday.
Sincerely
The Space Emporer's Mom
25220
Post by: WarOne
Kid_Kyoto wrote:
Hello? Spacey? Is that you?
It better be you and not that Malacore guy, he's always trying to talk to me about my drains.
Anyway it's me. I wanted to remind you that next week is Mother's Day and your Older Brother the Galaxy Emperor is coming over to visit. You'll be coming too right? And please bring the grandkids, I feel like I haven't seen lil Horus in an age. Remember how he used to march around behind you saying he'd be just like you when he grows up? What's he up to these days anyway? He never calls anymore.
So I'll see you Sunday.
Sincerely
The Space Emporer's Mom
Dear Mommy, Unfortunately, it will be eons before I get a chance to come see you and Dad Space Emperor again. And yes, I still won't acknowledge Dad Space Emperor as my father...ever. I still know what you and Universe Emperor did, and I still believe that that Big Bang you slurred out of a cup of your fifth Shirley Temple had more to creating me than that Little Bang Dad Space Emperor always brings up when he believes he proudly conceived of me. And as you may or may not know depending on what pills and/or intoxicating drinks you may be on, I am strapped to a frickin' PLANET with nut-bags worshipping me as if I could save them, and my consciousness drifts here and there, depending on what I have not seen yet of this Universe Empreror-forsaken Universe. Enclosed is a picture of my latest adventure to the Eskimo Nebula. It was fun. And as for Horus. Well, he's dead. The little bastard was pretending to be a power ranger, STABBED me several hundred times with that little power ranger sword everyone thinks is completely harmless, and I eviscerated the little fether and mounted his body on the wall of his space ship. He won't be marching around anytime too soon. I swear that child was a little hellspawn, and those next door Chaos neighbors corrupted him with their liberal hippy talk and love of violent news media. Suffice to say, I'm forever entombed because of my failure as a parent to which I directly blame you. And all the other little fethers I sired; well I can't rightly say I got ahold of them, but a few car accidents, overdoses, murder-suicides, and acts of Universe Emperor took care of them. No child support payments for me. And I hope this letter I am sending two minutes before the post offices close on the day before Mothers Day never reaches you, as may the fates will be merciful and see you ODed somewhere by the slot machines. Sincerely, Don't talk to me ever. P.S. Here is that picture I promised you:  Dear Emperor, I do not know where you get off thinking that you are the Space Emperor. Well yeah clearly your name is Space Emperor, but it is really not your title. It should be mine, as I am clearly the superior leader. It was I who won the 2008 United States presidential election. It was I who spent hundreds of billions of dollar of tax payer money to bankrupt the economy. I also forced everyone to get healthcare even if they don't like it. I also said some harsh words to Iran and North Korea, and because of it I won a Nobel Peace Prize and they have weapons of mass destruction they can use against the United States. Tell me what you have done over the last 10,000 years? Your silence says it all. Please refrain from using the Title of Space Emperor as it rightly belongs to me and I will take harsh measures such as strongly worded statements to convince you otherwise. Your friend, Barack "The One True Space Emperor" Obama
518
Post by: Kid_Kyoto
Dear Emperor,
I do not know where you get off thinking that you are the Space Emperor. Well yeah clearly your name is Space Emperor, but it is really not your title. It should be mine, as I am clearly the superior leader. It was I who won the 2008 United States presidential election. It was I who spent hundreds of billions of dollar of tax payer money to bankrupt the economy. I also forced everyone to get healthcare even if they don't like it. I also said some harsh words to Iran and North Korea, and because of it I won a Nobel Peace Prize and they have weapons of mass destruction they can use against the United States.
Tell me what you have done over the last 10,000 years?
Your silence says it all.
Please refrain from using the Title of Space Emperor as it rightly belongs to me and I will take harsh measures such as strongly worded statements to convince you otherwise.
Your friend,
Barack "The One True Space Emperor" Obama
Get in line kid, get in line. I not only have Ming 'Rightful Ruler of the Universe' D'Merciless suing my gold-plated butt, I also have Johnny 'The Emperor' Palpatine claiming I stole his act.
Besides I've been around like 40,000 years, who's to say you're not really me?
The Even More One True Space Emporer (note spelling) of Space!
=========================================================================
Dear the Most Glorious One,
I understand if you're a little upset. I mean blowing up our own Fortress Monestary was kind of a dork move. But how long do we have to live it down? First you put in Rogue Trader for all the world to see, now you put out a 500 page novel about it!
Really we should not be treated this way! I mean we're the Blue and Red Space Marines! We were on the cover of Rogue Trader! We like have all the powers of a Blue Space Marine, plus all the powers of a Red Space Marine. It's like Combat Tactics/Furious Charge/Deep Striking Land Raider power!
So can we please have a codex now? I promise we'll never blow up our own Fortress Monestary again.
Love
Pedro
15680
Post by: Ediin
Kid_Kyoto wrote:Dear the Most Glorious One,
I understand if you're a little upset. I mean blowing up our own Fortress Monestary was kind of a dork move. But how long do we have to live it down? First you put in Rogue Trader for all the world to see, now you put out a 500 page novel about it!
Really we should not be treated this way! I mean we're the Blue and Red Space Marines! We were on the cover of Rogue Trader! We like have all the powers of a Blue Space Marine, plus all the powers of a Red Space Marine. It's like Combat Tactics/Furious Charge/Deep Striking Land Raider power!
So can we please have a codex now? I promise we'll never blow up our own Fortress Monestary again.
Love
Pedro
Dear Pedro, You should know that blowing up your own fortress is something extremely (x2) stupid. And something that annoys me (x2) even more is that you never seem to build a new one! C'mon! It's been like 100 years! So stop whining and build a monastery. Besides, being a Blue/Red Space Marine Isn't good. It's a blend of my favourite daughter and my most useless son. Not Good. As punishment for being totally unable to stop an Ork invasion, I have decided that from now on your armour shall be the colour purple, in dubious honour of your ancestors, Sangy and Rowboat. Love, The Space Emporer ==================================================================================== Dear Space Emporer Of Spaceyness As my brothers the red maniacs have recently been very succesful, I have noticed that the activities of the glorious First Legion have somehow stalled. We are receiving fewer and fewer recruits, and more and more of our brethren are starting to ignore us. Therefore, I have decided to ask you if you could do us a small favor. Our Servitors have analyzed the situation and we need approximately 500000000000000000000000 Credits to stabilize our economy. Thanks for listening. Yours sincerely, Commander Azrael
20379
Post by: Generalian
Dear Space Emporer Of Spaceyness
As my brothers the red maniacs have recently been very succesful, I have noticed that the activities of the glorious
First Legion have somehow stalled. We are receiving fewer and fewer recruits, and more and more of our brethren are starting
to ignore us.
Therefore, I have decided to ask you if you could do us a small favor. Our Servitors have analyzed the situation and
we need approximately 500000000000000000000000 Credits to stabilize our economy. Thanks for listening.
Yours sincerely,
Commander Azrael
I shall always help my brothers in need! For material wealth means nothing if the universe is purged of heretical taint forever!
Would like that in cash, check, or credit? Please respond if which to recieve my most glorious and giving donation!
Dear Space Emporer ,
How many licks does it take to get the center of a tooties pop?
Sincerely, X'avier
518
Post by: Kid_Kyoto
Generalian wrote:
Dear Space Emporer ,
How many licks does it take to get the center of a tooties pop?
Sincerely, X'avier
You... you... BASTARD! You know Horus burned off my tongue! Just for that you're not a special character anymore!
Space OUT!
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear the Space Emporer
Like my daddy and his daddy and his daddy before him I grew up as a sportsman. For me there's nothing like being out in the woods with my buddies, a few cold beers and my weapon.
We sit and wait and than we hear it, a twig breaking maybe, or a leaf rustling and then they appear, beautiful, graceful, long legged Space Elfs doing their sacred chicken dance. With a soft crack of my gun I see one drop, it makes a soft EEK sound and I run over to slit its throat.
This has been a rite of passage for us for longer than I know.
But now I worry that my kids and my grand kids may not get the chance I did.
Every year we see fewer and fewer Space Elfs. For example the Dark Space Elf who once roamed free throughout space has almost completely disappeared.
Much as I hate to say I think the time has come to put hunting limits in place to protect the remaining stocks of Space Elfs and allow them to replenish their numbers.
Sincerely
Sportsman on Syrius
16387
Post by: Manchu
Kid_Kyoto wrote:Dear the Space Emporer
Like my daddy and his daddy and his daddy before him I grew up as a sportsman. For me there's nothing like being out in the woods with my buddies, a few cold beers and my weapon.
We sit and wait and than we hear it, a twig breaking maybe, or a leaf rustling and then they appear, beautiful, graceful, long legged Space Elfs doing their sacred chicken dance. With a soft crack of my gun I see one drop, it makes a soft EEK sound and I run over to slit its throat.
This has been a rite of passage for us for longer than I know.
But now I worry that my kids and my grand kids may not get the chance I did.
Every year we see fewer and fewer Space Elfs. For example the Dark Space Elf who once roamed free throughout space has almost completely disappeared.
Much as I hate to say I think the time has come to put hunting limits in place to protect the remaining stocks of Space Elfs and allow them to replenish their numbers.
Sincerely
Sportsman on Syrius
Dear "Can't Be Serious On Syrius,"
Had you spent a little less time traipsing about in the bush like some Feral World savage and a little more time inside of Space Church listening to all the nice things that my dear son Lorgar wrote about me you'd perhaps understand that exterminating xenos is what we humans are all about. You see, your children may well have to pass on bagging their very own "Space Elf" (sigh) in favor of humanity's continuing dominance over the galaxy. Tragic I know. Despite the inconvenience, please try to understand. Actually, don't worry about it. I'll be sending over an Inqui--ah, Public Relations Representative straight away to explain this in further detail. Don't be too upset. I promise to provide you with a new hobby. Have you ever ridden in a Penitent Engine before? Jolly good past time, that. Very bracing and even good for the soul, so they say. The PR Rep will get you started, I'm sure.
Your Own Personal Saviour,
IMPERATOR OMNIPOTENS
---------------------------------------------------
Mighty One,
I will be graduating Schola Progenium next year (thank You again for the generous scholarship) and want to pull a really smashing senior prank. People have been talking for over a century about how Ciaphas Cain smeared the lining of Abbot-Headmaster Cadema's augmetic dentures with Bengay right before the Commencement Sermon. And who could forget Torquemada Coteaz blasting the entire Lucius & The Noise Marines greatest hits album over the Laud-Hailers during the Advanced Theological Rhetoric exam? No need of course to go into when Creed reprogrammed all of the Schola's janitorial servitors. So, Divine Majesty, You can appreciate that I have many a fine shenanigan to measure up against next year if I'm to one day join this great litany of heroes. But, thought I, if anyone knows how I could establish a lasting legacy it would certainly be our Immortal God-Emperor. (I do apologize for troubling Your Divine Majesty with this matter but I have not been able to reach Lukas the Trickster.)
Sincerely,
A Very Grateful Progena
18690
Post by: Jimsolo
Dear Progena:
I might recommend sending an anonymous datafile to the Ordo Xenos alerting them that 'someone' has spiked the refreshments with Genestealer DNA. I of course would wait until the festivities are well under way. Bonus points if you can get the Inquisitors to show up just after the senior staff has taken part, but before your classmates.
Dear Space Emperor:
I am eight. I learned in school that chance is just another word for chaos. Does that mean that its heretical for people to make decisions by flipping a coin? Since they are really using the forces of chaos to determine their course in life? I never use chaos, but I wonder if I should start using my Junior Inquisitor's Kit to start interrogating my friends and their board "games" with their "dice." Of course, I would need to get a real flaming brand rather than the plastic one that came with my kit...
Any advice would be helpful. Thank you!
Sincerely, an Inquisitive Youth
518
Post by: Kid_Kyoto
Jimsolo wrote:
Dear Space Emperor:
I am eight. I learned in school that chance is just another word for chaos. Does that mean that its heretical for people to make decisions by flipping a coin? Since they are really using the forces of chaos to determine their course in life? I never use chaos, but I wonder if I should start using my Junior Inquisitor's Kit to start interrogating my friends and their board "games" with their "dice." Of course, I would need to get a real flaming brand rather than the plastic one that came with my kit...
Any advice would be helpful. Thank you!
Sincerely, an Inquisitive Youth
Eight you say, what are you still doing in school? YOu some kind of brainiac or something? Some kind of whinny snotty momma's boy too good to work in the mines? You should be out helping support your family while you're still small and skinny enough to fit down a ventalator shaft!
Anyway I myself like relax with a couple of games of Warhammer 2k, blackjack or roulette, though the Custodeus always let me win so I guess it's OK. Unless of course you want to say you doubt the purity of the Space Emporer? And you don't want to say that do you?
Didn't think so.
Your overbearing taskmaster
TSE
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear the Space Emporer
The other day I was having dinner with my BFF Eldrad (he says bet on black BTW) and my other BFF the Silent King (he says ...). We were talking about all the good times we've had together fighting the Tyranids, that weekend in Space Vegas, the naked water polo with the scouts, good times, good times. So Eldrad asks how I feel about all those comments about my chapter that the nerds on the internet are making. And I'm like what comments? And Eldrad's like I knew you were going to say that. So he takes out his iphone and shows me all these nerds on the internet saying my chapter is broken and that I'm cheesey!
Why would they such a thing?
So I called my other other BFF Calgar but he was too busy crying because he's not me to answer.
So I come to you, my other, other, other BFF. Why are people saying these things? Shouldn't they just love me?
Yours
The Sanguinor
PS You still up for Warhammer 2k next week?
15680
Post by: Ediin
Kid_Kyoto wrote:Dear the Space Emporer
The other day I was having dinner with my BFF Eldrad (he says bet on black BTW) and my other BFF the Silent King (he says ...). We were talking about all the good times we've had together fighting the Tyranids, that weekend in Space Vegas, the naked water polo with the scouts, good times, good times. So Eldrad asks how I feel about all those comments about my chapter that the nerds on the internet are making. And I'm like what comments? And Eldrad's like I knew you were going to say that. So he takes out his iphone and shows me all these nerds on the internet saying my chapter is broken and that I'm cheesey!
Why would they such a thing?
So I called my other other BFF Calgar but he was too busy crying because he's not me to answer.
So I come to you, my other, other, other BFF. Why are people saying these things? Shouldn't they just love me?
Yours
The Sanguinor
PS You still up for Warhammer 2k next week?
Dear Sanguinor,
People are making these comments about you because you belong to a chapter full of strange stuff.
I mean, seriously, Deep Striking Land Raiders? And why are you refusing to share your STC with those
cogheads from Mars that pretend to like me? Keeping the STC for yourselves is Heresy.
And why do you have naked water polo with the scouts? And why did'nt you kill those Necrons?
They're evil fragging automatons, for Emporers sake. But you just shook hands and left.
So take your strange sexual tendencies and hippie policy and report to the nearest Inquisition office
for immidiate purging. You'll make a wonderful Arco-flaggellant.
Yours truly,
The Space Emporer
P.S. Can't we play Warhammer Feudal World instead?
=======================================================================
Dear Emperor,
There is something that has been annoying me for a while. Ever since May last year,
whenever I step into a room everybody starts screaming CREEEEEEEEEED!!!!!!
Why are people doing this? Should I be worried?
Ursarkar E Creed
173
Post by: Shaman
Dear Emperor,
There is something that has been annoying me for a while. Ever since May last year,
whenever I step into a room everybody starts screaming CREEEEEEEEEED!!!!!!
Why are people doing this? Should I be worried?
Ursarkar E Creed
Creed, you are in fact a heretic. The plebs have mistaken your abilities WHICH ONLY EXIST BECAUSE OF ME THE EMPEROR as your own. This cannot stand. The only name to be shouted is MINE. The EMPEROOOOOOOR! I have sent 6000 assassins to your location. Only some kind of Tactical Genius could survive.. Since I am the only one in existence, you are dead. Regards THE EMPEROOOOOOOOOOOOOR! xxxxxxxxx Dear space Emperor I wished for a sister of battle to ravage me on Emperor's Day. Yet it still hasn't happened. I thought you granted wishes.. I heard there are other invisible sky wizard who do. But I don't want to abandon you! What do? Inquisitor Torquemada.
15680
Post by: Ediin
Shaman wrote:Dear space Emperor
I wished for a sister of battle to ravage me on Emperor's Day. Yet it still hasn't happened. I thought you granted wishes.. I heard there are other invisible sky wizard who do. But I don't want to abandon you!
What do?
Inquisitor Torquemada.
Dear Coteaz,
As a senior member of the Inquisition, it is your job to prevent peoples wishes from coming true. After all, we both know
what that Tzeentch creep next door did to poor Magnus, but hey, he was a nerd so who cares. So, to prevent your wish from
coming true, you must:
1. Kill me.
2. Kill yourself.
3. Kill all Battle Sisters in the galaxy.
As Mr. Sanguinor is already sewing your ass for stealing his armour, I recommend option 2. 2 problems in 1 go, you know.
With Love,
The Space Emporer
======================================================================================
Dear Lord,
About 20 standard Terran years ago there existed a very friendly Xenos species out here. We called them the
Squats. Trade was blooming, and although our local Inquisitor almost gakked fire there was inter-species marriage.
But then, the Tyranids came. Hive Fleet Jervis Johnson completely wiped out our short friends, and our sector fell into despair.
So dear Emperor, who shall we trade and mate with now?
/ Sad man on the Eastern Fringe.
25700
Post by: Space_Potato
Ediin wrote:Dear Lord,
About 20 standard Terran years ago there existed a very friendly Xenos species out here. We called them the
Squats. Trade was blooming, and although our local Inquisitor almost gakked fire there was inter-species marriage.
But then, the Tyranids came. Hive Fleet Jervis Johnson completely wiped out our short friends, and our sector fell into despair.
So dear Emperor, who shall we trade and mate with now?
/ Sad man on the Eastern Fringe.
You disgust me heretic! Conspiring with xenos, and the thought of inter-species breeding? Thou must be purged. The Imperium of Me should trade and mate with itself, strengthening it's grip around the universe, and leading humanity into glory.
Love,
The Space Emperor.
Dear The Space Emperor,
Why are pickle jars so damn difficult to open?
S_P
15680
Post by: Ediin
Space_Potato wrote:Dear The Space Emperor,
Why are pickle jars so damn difficult to open?
Dear servant,
Although your standard Mars pattern bayonet is useless in a fight, it is actually designed to be an awesome
pickle jar opener. You can thank the tech priests for that. Next time a can opener is all that stands between
you and a messy death at the hands of a Ork, send up a prayer to me.
Sincerely,
The Space Emporer
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Emporer,
Our chapter has a very serious problem. Not only do we suffer from the Rage, but the Red Thirst is becoming
more and more common. Even the Scouts have started to show symptoms, as they're watching that damned Twilight movie
over and over again.
So dear Lord, what shall we do?
Gabriel Seth
518
Post by: Kid_Kyoto
Ediin wrote:
Dear Emporer,
Our chapter has a very serious problem. Not only do we suffer from the Rage, but the Red Thirst is becoming
more and more common. Even the Scouts have started to show symptoms, as they're watching that damned Twilight movie
over and over again.
So dear Lord, what shall we do?
Gabriel Seth
Dear Seth,
SETH OLD BOY! How's tricks for the beloved son of my beloved daughter! Do you like the new airplanes I sent over to you? Pretty awesome huh? I'd tool around in them myself if it wasn't for this planet-sized life support chair thingy I'm stuck in but hey I know old Sanny tried realy hard to save me so no hard feelings right?
Anyway if i was you I'd just relax and go for it. So waht if your scouts are all becoming weepy little girls the important thing is Red Space Marine merch is selling like crazy, why in a few more months I can afford to get this chair of mine fixed and at the end of the day isn't that what really matters?
Yours in Merchandising,
The Space Marketer
*******************************************
Most glorious master
Oh luminous one whose will is like a beacon unto the stars, please favor me with a small answer.
Recently while purging a sinister cult my personal copy of the Daemon Hunter Codex was accidentally burned when one of my little midget guys was hit with a flamer. My savant tells me however that the Daemon Hunter Codex is now available on the Integrated Cognator Web Matrix Network (Inter-net). However when he transcribed it I found two vital pages missing, those that allowed for me to induct Imperial Guard units. We have checked numerous times and those pages are apparently gone, even the page numbers have been altered.
However when I inquired to Holy Terra I was told I may continue to use allies, but only if I own an original codex. Is this so? I ask because the reply came via Astropathic Emission Mail (e-mail) and I am uncertain of the validity. Therefore before I spend my hard-earned starbucks buying an old Codex from the Extra-Solar Business Assembly Yard (e-bay) I wish to confirm that I may still induct guardsmen into my army.
Yours in all humility
Inquisitor Killicus Omnius Immedius
173
Post by: Shaman
Most glorious master
Oh luminous one whose will is like a beacon unto the stars, please favor me with a small answer.
Recently while purging a sinister cult my personal copy of the Daemon Hunter Codex was accidentally burned when one of my little midget guys was hit with a flamer. My savant tells me however that the Daemon Hunter Codex is now available on the Integrated Cognator Web Matrix Network (Inter-net). However when he transcribed it I found two vital pages missing, those that allowed for me to induct Imperial Guard units. We have checked numerous times and those pages are apparently gone, even the page numbers have been altered.
However when I inquired to Holy Terra I was told I may continue to use allies, but only if I own an original codex. Is this so? I ask because the reply came via Astropathic Emission Mail (e-mail) and I am uncertain of the validity. Therefore before I spend my hard-earned starbucks buying an old Codex from the Extra-Solar Business Assembly Yard (e-bay) I wish to confirm that I may still induct guardsmen into my army.
Yours in all humility
Inquisitor Killicus Omnius Immedius
Killicus.. I have two words for you SPEES MAREENS! The Imperium of Man is all about closed mindedness and doing what you are told. Your current forces are not space marines? Destroy them. Independent and creative thought leads to heresy! Are you a heretic Killicus? You best not be one. Moaning because I fail to support you niche army only feeds the Chaos gods. Plus I'm sure you are aware SPEES MAREENS come in a variety of flavors. Don't be a heretic Killicus Emperorororororororor! Dear space man. Whats your starsign? Are you dating anyone? Dreamy in Hydra 9.
15680
Post by: Ediin
Shaman wrote:Dear space man.
Whats your starsign? Are you dating anyone?
Dreamy in Hydra 9.
Actually, as I'm the lord of everything, I belong to all starsigns.
As for your other question, I dont have the time or physical possibility to date,
as I'm actually dead and strapped to a chair while someone feeds me psykers all day long
through a feeding tube. Awful, I know.
If you still need a romance, you can ENLIST IN THE IMPERIAL GUARD!! Sadly I have to use
upper case lettering when I write that because of our stupid propaganda policy, which I wrote.
Yours Truly,
The Space Emporer
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Space Emporer,
Why cant you be a nice dude and let a guy devour some worlds? Whenever I want to land and get some supplies
you start SHOOTING AT ME. And then I have to assemble all of my parts and attack your gakking planet.
You dont want a war with me, Emporer. Because this one time, when the Iron Warriors had a new world,
they unleashed 6000(that's right) Defilers on me. But then I was like ''Chill Dude'' and devoured them
with my 30000000 Trygons.
Also, in my new book it says that certain parts of me called ''Leviathan'' (where the hell do they get these names?) have entered
the Segmentum Solar, where you live. I guess we'll be seing each other soon then.
So instead of fighting towards your imminent doom, I have a tender proposition. You pay me 5 worlds a day and I'll let you live.
After all, the book says that I'm really in a good position to negotiate, being like 50 clicks from Terra is a really good threat.
So do you accept, or do I consume you?
/ Hive Mind
173
Post by: Shaman
Dear Space Emporer,
Why cant you be a nice dude and let a guy devour some worlds? Whenever I want to land and get some supplies
you start SHOOTING AT ME. And then I have to assemble all of my parts and attack your gakking planet.
You dont want a war with me, Emporer. Because this one time, when the Iron Warriors had a new world,
they unleashed 6000(that's right) Defilers on me. But then I was like ''Chill Dude'' and devoured them
with my 30000000 Trygons.
Also, in my new book it says that certain parts of me called ''Leviathan'' (where the hell do they get these names?) have entered
the Segmentum Solar, where you live. I guess we'll be seing each other soon then.
So instead of fighting towards your imminent doom, I have a tender proposition. You pay me 5 worlds a day and I'll let you live.
After all, the book says that I'm really in a good position to negotiate, being like 50 clicks from Terra is a really good threat.
So do you accept, or do I consume you?
/ Hive Mind
Mr Mind.
I'll have you know the Space Emperor From the Space Empire never bows to outside hostile forces. In fact I would go as far to say you will never defeat me, I'm THAT MAGNIFICENT! See when you get to be as powerful as me you have this awesome ability the Chaos Gods, Orks Gods, C'tan and you don't have.
Ready you big gribbly?
You stop plot advancement. I STOP TIME ITSELF. So nothing you or the Ctan or the Chaos gods can do will make any difference. Time has stopped. So as you can see its hopeless for you. You might as well not have a codex. I'm going to reccomend Emperor's workshop replace you line with Lizard space marines. And you know what they will sell. Better then you do. The propaganda in you codex is nothing.
Have fun never winning
E
----------
Dear Imperial ruler.
I have petitioned you several times. Its seems you disregard me. Why? Refusing to meet with an Ethereal is very rude. I just wanna tell you about the greater good!
Lets do Lunch!
Aun' Pa
518
Post by: Kid_Kyoto
Shaman wrote:
Dear Imperial ruler.
I have petitioned you several times. Its seems you disregard me. Why? Refusing to meet with an Ethereal is very rude. I just wanna tell you about the greater good!
Lets do Lunch!
Aun'Pa
Dear Mr. Pa
I am so sorry! You must understand the Emporing All of Space is a very big job (you probably don't know that because you Commie Fish Men (as we call you in our language) only rule a tiny, little bit of space that could really fit into a corner of my Empire of Space) so I can't possibly see you in person what with my saving all of space (including your tiny little corner of it) from the space demons (who'll eat your souls) and holding reality together by force of will alone. No, no, just too busy for social meetings.
But I tell you what my close and personal friend Inquisitor Killicus Omnius Immedius is free so why don't I send him and all his inducted guardsmen friends (who by the way are still legal) to go have a chat with you?
Heh, heh, heh.
Opps, sorry, forget I said Heh, heh, heh.
Yours
Imperiator Omnius Spacicus
---------------------------------------
It's that time again!
Stompball time!
I can't believe it's only been 4 years since Space Italy won but now it's time for another Galactic Cup Tournament!
It's already been exciting what with the Cadian Gatesmen losing to the Catachan Devils and the Mordian Pretty Boys leaving without a win. Who do you think will take it? Will the Frensian Wolves beat the Ultramar Blue Wave or will the Rynn's World Fists continue their surprising streak?
I love the Stompball Galactic Cup! Don't you?
Stompball Fan #1
24256
Post by: FacelessMage
Kid_Kyoto wrote:It's that time again!
Stompball time!
I can't believe it's only been 4 years since Space Italy won but now it's time for another Galactic Cup Tournament!
It's already been exciting what with the Cadian Gatesmen losing to the Catachan Devils and the Mordian Pretty Boys leaving without a win. Who do you think will take it? Will the Frensian Wolves beat the Ultramar Blue Wave or will the Rynn's World Fists continue their surprising streak?
I love the Stompball Galactic Cup! Don't you?
Stompball Fan #1
You are definately correct Stompball Fan #1 this has been one of the best Stompball Galactic Cup Tournaments in the last 100 space years. But as any real stompball fan knows the BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
Myself Dammit! Someone shoot that bloody noise marine with the vuvuzela!
Well SF1 It looks like some people have to ruin it for the rest of us. Let that be a lesson to you the future is very grimdark even for the ear holes.
T.S.E.
________________________________________________________
Dear Space Emporer
Who is more powerful? You or the Space Pope?
I want to know so i can send my bribe .. err .. ahh, tithe to the propper reliegous person.
B. Bending Rodriegus
518
Post by: Kid_Kyoto
Dear Space Emporer
Who is more powerful? You or the Space Pope?
I want to know so i can send my bribe .. err .. ahh, tithe to the propper reliegous person.
B. Bending Rodriegus
Hmm, a very good question Mr. Rodriguez, and one I must ponder at some length.
Perhaps we need the Tau Space Pope to come to Holy Terra so he and I and my vast legions of Custodeus can discuss it.
Yes, I think that would be best. Heh, heh, heh.
Opps.
Please forget I said heh, heh, heh.
Your pal
Teh
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Sergeant Mc Space Emperor Sir!
Sarge, I think I'm in it, I think I'm in deep.
You might remember me, Trooper 1st Class Ralph Ramco Sir! I fought the vicious greenskins for ten years in the Slime Swamps of Slimeworld VII. After killing my me 1000th greenskin you gave me an honorable discharge and sent me back home to the sweet sweet soil of Hiveworld 34. But when I got to the space port no one was waiting for me so I had to take the zoomway back home, but when I got there I learned that mom and dad died in a refinery explosion a few years back. I guess that's why they stopped writing me huh?
So I asked about Sally. You remember my gal Sally right? I had a picture of her I kept in my flak vest all 10 years, all the time dreaming of the day I'd get my discharge and come home cause she promised she'd wait for me, promised she'd wait for me forever.
Well it turns out she got married a year after I left, to my best friend Tony. They even had 3 kids together those lying little... anyway I sorted her out. Sorted them both out. And their filthy mongrel kids. Me and my knife sorted them out good. Heh, heh, heh.
But that's not why I'm writing you today Sarge. It's what happened after I sorted them out. I was walking in the Commerictorium when all the sudden I look around and I realize I'm surrounded by greenskins! The grocer was a secret greenskin, the customer was a secret greenskin, even the little school girl next to me. All of them were greenskins!
Now I hate to admit it but I kind of lost my cool for a minute there, started screaming and hitting them quick and hard just like you told me to sarge. So then a greenskin disguised as one of the Emperor's Arbites comes charging up, well I wasn't fooled. I jabbed my little knife under his jaw bone pretty as you please and yanked away his shoota which looked just like a lawgiver shotcannon. Well with that in my hands I took down a good number of those secret greenskins. But I could hear more of them coming in their looted rhinos and looted chimeras so I blasted open a waste grate and slipped it, just like those grot tunnels back on Slimeworld VII. Slipped away like a ghost, holed up here. Since then I found a couple more greenskins, some of them dressed like sewer workers, one group even dressed like PDF, but I took them out.
But I can't do it alone sarge. I just can't. the whole planet is overrun, even the governor is a greenskin. I need help! So please help me Sarge, send reinformcements, send titans, just help me save my world!
Yours
Veteran from Vega
29449
Post by: weetyskemian44
Sergeant Mc Space Emperor Sir!
Sarge, I think I'm in it, I think I'm in deep.
You might remember me, Trooper 1st Class Ralph Ramco Sir! I fought the vicious greenskins for ten years in the Slime Swamps of Slimeworld VII. After killing my me 1000th greenskin you gave me an honorable discharge and sent me back home to the sweet sweet soil of Hiveworld 34. But when I got to the space port no one was waiting for me so I had to take the zoomway back home, but when I got there I learned that mom and dad died in a refinery explosion a few years back. I guess that's why they stopped writing me huh?
So I asked about Sally. You remember my gal Sally right? I had a picture of her I kept in my flak vest all 10 years, all the time dreaming of the day I'd get my discharge and come home cause she promised she'd wait for me, promised she'd wait for me forever.
Well it turns out she got married a year after I left, to my best friend Tony. They even had 3 kids together those lying little... anyway I sorted her out. Sorted them both out. And their filthy mongrel kids. Me and my knife sorted them out good. Heh, heh, heh.
But that's not why I'm writing you today Sarge. It's what happened after I sorted them out. I was walking in the Commerictorium when all the sudden I look around and I realize I'm surrounded by greenskins! The grocer was a secret greenskin, the customer was a secret greenskin, even the little school girl next to me. All of them were greenskins!
Now I hate to admit it but I kind of lost my cool for a minute there, started screaming and hitting them quick and hard just like you told me to sarge. So then a greenskin disguised as one of the Emperor's Arbites comes charging up, well I wasn't fooled. I jabbed my little knife under his jaw bone pretty as you please and yanked away his shoota which looked just like a lawgiver shotcannon. Well with that in my hands I took down a good number of those secret greenskins. But I could hear more of them coming in their looted rhinos and looted chimeras so I blasted open a waste grate and slipped it, just like those grot tunnels back on Slimeworld VII. Slipped away like a ghost, holed up here. Since then I found a couple more greenskins, some of them dressed like sewer workers, one group even dressed like PDF, but I took them out.
But I can't do it alone sarge. I just can't. the whole planet is overrun, even the governor is a greenskin. I need help! So please help me Sarge, send reinformcements, send titans, just help me save my world!
Yours
Veteran from Vega
Please hold the line. the almighty emperor, ruler of man, sovereign of infinity cannot come to the phone right now.... please hold while we trace your call. beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep.
REMAIN CALM, raise your arms and drop weapons, we are the inquisition and we have you surrounded. you will now suffer an unaturally extended lifetime of unutterable agony as we peel back the layers of your mind to expose the corruption of evil and insanity at its core.
Or you could save us the paperwork and just shoot yourself.
[i]dear beloved emporer, rightful ruler of the imperium of man, sourge of chaos and the alien, I think its discraceful that you've given the cadian regiment time off, when we ultra marines only get 10 minutes of free time in the day, and only one half hour toilet break. when will we get paid holidays? I realise we are the backbone of the empire which would surely fall without our eternal vigilance but when you are effectivly imortal it gets a bit tiresome.
yours hopefully
jean-luke periere of the ultramarines,
518
Post by: Kid_Kyoto
weetyskemian44 wrote:
[i]dear beloved emporer, rightful ruler of the imperium of man, sourge of chaos and the alien, I think its discraceful that you've given the cadian regiment time off, when we ultra marines only get 10 minutes of free time in the day, and only one half hour toilet break. when will we get paid holidays? I realise we are the backbone of the empire which would surely fall without our eternal vigilance but when you are effectivly imortal it gets a bit tiresome.
yours hopefully
jean-luke periere of the ultramarines,
Huh? Wha? Who gave the Cadians time off? I mean sure, on paper they get 3 paid vacation days a year but since their average life span is 28 minutes of combat it's not like they ever get to collect.
So in short, enjoy your 10 minutes off a day. At least with power armor you live long enough to enjoy it.
TSE
TODAY WE HAVE A SPECIAL TREAT FOR OUR LOYAL READERS! IN HONOR OF THE 10,000TH ANNIVERSARY OF 'ASK THE SPACE EMPORER - THE GALAXY'S SECOND-LONGEST RUNNING ADVICE COLUMN AFTER 'ASK THE DECEIVER' - WE'RE REPRINTING THE VERY FIRST LETTER TO 'ASK THE SPACE EMPORER'!
Hey Dad!
Things are going great out here! Just smited another heretic warlord! Now me and the Luna Wol-I mean the Sons of Horus (thanks dad!) are chilling with the local warrior lodge.
One thing, they offered to give me this really boss tattoo, it's like this eye with arrows coming out of it and blood drops and some cool runes and stuff. I know you don't like tattoos but I think it would look totally badass! Can I get it? Can I? Huh? Huh?
Your loving son
Horus O'Heresy
------------
Hey there son of mine!
Glad to hear that little crusade thing is going OK for you. Now I don't like tattoos myself, I mean when you live 30,000 years who the heck wants to be looking at something that seemed cool when you were just 10,000 years old right? But I know you crazy kids gotta express yourselves with your metal hands or your wings or whatever so go ahead, get a tattoo, I mean what harm can it do right?
Hey, when are you going to come visit? Feels like I haven't seen you in an age, you should swing by. I'm kind of busy with this project I got going in the basement but there's always time to see my favorite son and toss the old pigskin around. And tell your brothers Mort, Angie, Phil and Mags to come by too! I never hear from them anymore!
Yours,
Teh
WE NOW RETURN YOU TO OUR REGULAR COLUMN
Dear the only man older than me,
Hey there Spacey, you know how when you get to be a certain age you sometimes have trouble um... keeping your staff upright? And how sometimes this is a bit embarassing especially when that hussy Jayne Zarr storms out and then emails you a picture of Assurman's sword and texts you how long and hard it is.
Not that 'I' would know anything about that mind you...
But anyway, what do you recommend to help and old man keep his staff upright?
Yours
L. Drad
30569
Post by: Cadet_Commissar_Ludd
edit?
518
Post by: Kid_Kyoto
sigh... POST dang it, someone somewhere POST on this thread...
13250
Post by: Lord of battles
Dear Space Emperor,
Why should i worship you when the ruinous power offer me more than you?
29878
Post by: Chowderhead
Dear Space Emperor,
Why should i worship you when the ruinous power offer me more than you?
Because, I, theSpace Emperor, can offer you many temptations greater than those sissies in the eye of terror. How would you like to be a 20 foot tall Demi-God? Wait, that's the powers. Ah! How would you like some cookies! Special space cookies! Huzzah for the immortal cookies! Huzzah!
Dear space emperor,
Why is it that when I talk to a girl, she slaps me and walks away?
-Felsi
7926
Post by: youbedead
chowderhead13 wrote:Dear Space Emperor,
Why should i worship you when the ruinous power offer me more than you?
Because, I, theSpace Emperor, can offer you many temptations greater than those sissies in the eye of terror. How would you like to be a 20 foot tall Demi-God? Wait, that's the powers. Ah! How would you like some cookies! Special space cookies! Huzzah for the immortal cookies! Huzzah!
Dear space emperor,
Why is it that when I talk to a girl, she slaps me and walks away?
-Felsi
You obviously weren't bald and screaming, did you try pointing menacingly , i also recommend covering yourself in skulls.
Dear space emperor
iz noze ia da bestest but humies alwas says yuze da bestest and daize dont lizen when iz krump em
G. Thraka
18690
Post by: Jimsolo
Dear G Thraka:
I think your problem is the general concept of "crumping." I would recommend more purging, less crumping. More cleansing (by fire and bolt shell, mind you) and less "dakka."
Dear Space Emperor (of Space):
I have to listen to a bunch of insufferable know-it-alls whine constantly back and forth over whether or not Space Marines can have sex (or babies, for that matter). Can you tell me (so I can tell them) once and for all: Can Space Marines have sex? If so, can they have kids?
9407
Post by: Lint
Dear Space Emperor (of Space):
I have to listen to a bunch of insufferable know-it-alls whine constantly back and forth over whether or not Space Marines can have sex (or babies, for that matter). Can you tell me (so I can tell them) once and for all: Can Space Marines have sex? If so, can they have kids?
Can they have sex? Sure. But would they ever want to? Have you seen how massive those guys are? Everybody likes to give me credit for being an uber-awesome geneticist, but in reality I just took a page from ancient "ball players" circa m2k. You want to get results, you gotta use the cream and the clear. And let me tell you, that stuff does no favors for the gentleman standing atop the two rocks, if you catch my drift.
Dear Big Guy,
What do you say we call it even, and go out for drinks? I've actually got something pretty cool to show you.
Yours,
Cypher
518
Post by: Kid_Kyoto
Dear Big Guy,
What do you say we call it even, and go out for drinks? I've actually got something pretty cool to show you.
Yours,
Cypher
Yeah I guess we could- hey wait a sec, I thought you were me? Or are you Lion' El? No, no I think you are me, so how can we go out for drinks?
Unless of course I'm not me... in which case we probably shouldn't.
Hey Malicor, get me Gav on the phone, maybe he can explain this!
Love
Me
(I think)
Dear the Monkey King
It is humiliating to even write these words but I fear that we, we who ruled the stars when your kind were but monkies in the trees need your help.
As you may know the Space Elven race is dying. Each generation is smaller than the one before and each Space Elf we lose in battle is a percious tresure never to be replaced. But we do not know why? Though our passions have cooled and been channelled by the Space Elven Path they are by no means gone. The fires that burn in my loins are just as hot as those 10,000 of your monkey years ago, but the number of Space Elflings continues to drop.
My boyfriend and I have investigated every avenue of inquiry. I consulted Assurman, oldest and wisest of the Phoenix lords but neither he nor his boyfriend had any ideas. I travelled far and spoke to Jayne Zarr the White Phoenix but she could not help. Neither could her girlfriend. In the depths of Space, I consulted Prince Yriel the infamous Space Elven Pirate but he had no answers. Nor did his harem of catamites. I watched the mating rituals at the Twin Snakes Bar and Grill and then at the Pussywillow Lounge and them seem to be as effective as ever.
So I, Eldrad, wisest of the wise, and my houseboy Manuel must turn to you, the so-called Space Emperor of Space to ask why despite our many caring and loving relationships we Space Elves are not having children?
Yours,
Eldrad
8044
Post by: Arctik_Firangi
Eldrad wrote:
Dear the Monkey King
It is humiliating to even write these words but I fear that we, we who ruled the stars when your kind were but monkies in the trees need your help.
As you may know the Space Elven race is dying. Each generation is smaller than the one before and each Space Elf we lose in battle is a percious tresure never to be replaced. But we do not know why? Though our passions have cooled and been channelled by the Space Elven Path they are by no means gone. The fires that burn in my loins are just as hot as those 10,000 of your monkey years ago, but the number of Space Elflings continues to drop.
My boyfriend and I have investigated every avenue of inquiry. I consulted Assurman, oldest and wisest of the Phoenix lords but neither he nor his boyfriend had any ideas. I travelled far and spoke to Jayne Zarr the White Phoenix but she could not help. Neither could her girlfriend. In the depths of Space, I consulted Prince Yriel the infamous Space Elven Pirate but he had no answers. Nor did his harem of catamites. I watched the mating rituals at the Twin Snakes Bar and Grill and then at the Pussywillow Lounge and them seem to be as effective as ever.
So I, Eldrad, wisest of the wise, and my houseboy Manuel must turn to you, the so-called Space Emperor of Space to ask why despite our many caring and loving relationships we Space Elves are not having children?
Yours,
Eldrad
Dearest Eldrad,
This all sounds very odd. You say that you have... boyfriends? I understood that you yourself were a boy-elf-girl, but are you actually a girl-elf-girl? Or a girl-elf-boy?
I have always been under the impression that Mr. Jain Zarr was a boy-girl-boy, but when I asked him, he did that horrible screeching thing and off I went. No one should have to put up with that insufferable... I diverge. He has very nice skinny legs and I, the mighty Space Cyphe... EMPEROR, wonder why it is that I cannot also have nice things.
I often go on walks during the summertime on Streisand VI in my Dark Ange... Dark Green armour. I eventually get to practising with my plasma-pistol, and often hurt myself. I found that when it starts throbbing and getting hot, it is about to explode, and the best thing to do is throw it on the ground and run away. Once I had the idea of only wearing the top bit of my armour so I could run away faster, but Mr. Jain Zarr came along with his nice legs and I was embarrased. Then my pistol exploded again and I was absolutely ashamed. Mr Zarr made the noise again and I ran away, because no one should have to put up with that.
Ahem.
Being the Emperor of Mankind (and Space too, don't you forget it, Eldrad!), I think that human babies are quite neat, if occasionally prone to explosions of a hot, white projectile. When this begins to happen, I throw it to the ground and run away, but often after this the baby will stop moving, or doing other neat baby things. Do you also have this problem? Perhaps we can compare notes on Streisand VI next Tuesday. Please ask Mr. Zarr not to come. He makes me feel ugly.
Regards,
The Emperor of Space -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Dad? This is Alpharius... I think. I'm not sure. People tell me that sometimes I do terrible things, but I cannot remember any of them! They say that I run around in black armour kicking things and saying bad things about you! I would never wear black! Or do the other things! Dad, if you know anything about this or what an 'Omegon' is supposed to be, please get back to me. My Spesh Marines have started ignoring me and painting their armour in silly colours, and I think it's because of these things I'm apparently doing. Help! Your Loving Son, Alpharius xoxox
29878
Post by: Chowderhead
Arctik_Firangi wrote:
Dad?
This is Alpharius... I think. I'm not sure. People tell me that sometimes I do terrible things, but I cannot remember any of them! They say that I run around in black armour kicking things and saying bad things about you! I would never wear black! Or do the other things!
Dad, if you know anything about this or what an 'Omegon' is supposed to be, please get back to me. My Spesh Marines have started ignoring me and painting their armour in silly colours, and I think it's because of these things I'm apparently doing. Help!
Your Loving Son,
Alpharius
xoxox
Alpharius,
It appears my least favorite, Roboute, has been spreading lies. I have to ground him again.
Omegon was your teddy bear, remember? You loved him to death.
You Marhines have gone to the warp, and are painting their armor pretty colors to attract deamonettes. Now that this is adressed, we need a chat. Let me tell you about the Marines and the Sisters...
Dear theSpace Emperor,
It has come to my attention that you are 10,000 years overdue for your current space plague shot. When can we pencil you in for?
Dr. Bile, C.S.M.
12061
Post by: halonachos
Dear theSpace Emperor,
It has come to my attention that you are 10,000 years overdue for your current space plague shot. When can we pencil you in for?
Dr. Bile, C.S.M.
Dr. Bile,
The last time you saw me as a patient I got hurt real bad. Yeah, you remember what happened you sick sadistic freak, and I don't even roll that way so why would you bother sticking your finger up my rear? Is it some kind of sick kick you get? You know what, I'm going to write to another column.
Dear Dr. Bile,
Why do you enjoy touching your patients innappropriately? I was greatly disappointed in your lack of professionalism and was wondering if was standard practice for you to do this.
Sincerely,
Mr. Anal
Dear his most magnificent emperor,
I was in the outer fringe recently and found this big rock floating around. It has some weird writing on it so I brought it onboard to check it out. Well, when we did the engines began having issues and the crew started having psychological illnesses and some even began to have physical deformations. What should I do and can you send someone out to help us?
Sincerely,
Sitting Dead in Space.
29878
Post by: Chowderhead
Dear his most magnificent emperor,
I was in the outer fringe recently and found this big rock floating around. It has some weird writing on it so I brought it onboard to check it out. Well, when we did the engines began having issues and the crew started having psychological illnesses and some even began to have physical deformations. What should I do and can you send someone out to help us?
Sincerely,
Sitting Dead in Space.
Have you called On-Star? Yes? Ah. I see. Wait one moment. A representative from the Inquisition will be there to cleanse the area in fire- I mean fix the mutations! Yes, yes, yes...
Dear Mr. Emperor sir,
I was wondering how you stay that fit sitting on a throne all day!
I work out constantly, and I seem to never get thin.
-Tubby from Alpha Centauri
12061
Post by: halonachos
Dear Fatty,
I stay thin through a process known as transfatmutation. In this process I use my vast psychic powers to take any fat I do gain and spread it amongst different people in the imperium. The reason why you don't lose any weight is because I really don't like you. You know what you did fatty, and now you will never fit into your old clothes, not even gastric bypass can help you now!
Sincerely,
Skinnier than you.
Dear Space Emp,
Okay, I know how you fail at being a leader and everything, but how do you keep people loyal to you. I burnt down my entire capital city and the people are really ticked and want to remove me from head of the planet or remove my head, I was too drunk to really care. So yeah, you suck, I suck but people still worship you, how can I get my followers to worship me?
Sorry if this letter is charred,
Nero Deniro
12271
Post by: JB
Dear Zero,
There is absolutely no chance that your people will ever worship you. I've decided that you're a hairy wart on the arse of my Imperium and will have you removed. You can make it easy on yourself by frequenting public places, standing still for long periods of time on your palace balcony, and attracting attention by playing that horribly noisy fiddle. If you're lucky the Officio Assassinorum will make a clean, quick kill. On the other hand, if they do what I told them to do then you're going to get gut shot, knee shot, and gonad shot so that you die a lingering painful death. It's great what I can do because I have a galaxy of humanity that love me. Too bad you'll never enjoy that kind of adulation.
Your beloved Emperor
Dear Mon-Keigh Prime,
Your idiotic tide of primitives is despoiling our lush, virgin worlds. Our environmental analysts have determined that at least 695 of our Exodus planets are suffering from pollution, wanton destruction, and intentional damage caused by your mindless legions. We insist that you remove your colonists and forces from our worlds before we begin mashing and mincing them up like chutney. You have no idea what you are doing to the far off future of the universe. Cease and desist now before the damage is irrevocable.
Your old frat house brother, Phar Toway, would also like to remind you that he has a few dozen embarrassing photos of you in compromising situations with gender challenged aliens. Don't make us release these images to your true enemies! The Public Relations debacle would be enormous - certainly more costly than yielding a mere 695 little planets.
The Exodite Council
29878
Post by: Chowderhead
JB wrote:
Dear Mon-Keigh Prime,
Your idiotic tide of primitives is despoiling our lush, virgin worlds. Our environmental analysts have determined that at least 695 of our Exodus planets are suffering from pollution, wanton destruction, and intentional damage caused by your mindless legions. We insist that you remove your colonists and forces from our worlds before we begin mashing and mincing them up like chutney. You have no idea what you are doing to the far off future of the universe. Cease and desist now before the damage is irrevocable.
Your old frat house brother, Phar Toway, would also like to remind you that he has a few dozen embarrassing photos of you in compromising situations with gender challenged aliens. Don't make us release these images to your true enemies! The Public Relations debacle would be enormous - certainly more costly than yielding a mere 695 little planets.
The Exodite Council
How did you get the Spring break photos from M.32? No matter, I will deal with this. I will create a system of the Imperium called the Planetary Protection Agency. They will help you filter your pollution by... Wait. How did you get the planets? Did you steal them? If you did, I'll be angry. And you do not want to to know that will happen If I get angry.
Hugs and Kisses,
Teh Space Emperor.
Dr. Mister Emperor,
You have missed too many payments on you Golden Throne. We will be coming on Tuesday to claim it. Thank you for your co-operation.
The Dorn Corporation, LLC
8044
Post by: Arctik_Firangi
Dr. Mister Emperor,
You have missed too many payments on you Golden Throne. We will be coming on Tuesday to claim it. Thank you for your co-operation.
The Dorn Corporation, LLC
Dear Shareholders,
You may be aware that I have recently transferred a significant number of TDC shares from a private holder to my name. If not, you may consider yourselves informed. Having secured a majority share and in advance of next Monday's general meeting, I wish to advise all members that I will be moving and passing a motion to elect myself as CEO of TDC LLC, effectively immediately. My investment will ensure that this is brought into effect and there will be no claiming of anyone's throne.
On a personal note, I am absolutely sick and tired of you rotten, yellow, money-grabbing freaks running all over my planet and tacking stupid notices everywhere. As punishment, I want a whole lot of you to go crazy, paint your armour a tacky blue colour, and chase orks around with single, stupid and oversized pink fists.
Have fun in Space;
T. S. Emperor, CEO
Daddy!
I was writing a new book, sort of a sequel to the last one. It's called Codex AssTarties, and I came across a really hot piccy of some Space Marines who have big pink fists EVERYWHERE. On their banners, on their shoulders, in the middle of their chests and even on their hands!
Do you know what they're called? They're super cute and I sooooooo wanna use them on the front cover. I asked Dornie and he wouldn't tell me. He said a rude word too!... What are the pink and blue marines called?
Thanks Pop!
Robbie G.
9407
Post by: Lint
I was writing a new book, sort of a sequel to the last one. It's called Codex AssTarties, and I came across a really hot piccy of some Space Marines who have big pink fists EVERYWHERE. On their banners, on their shoulders, in the middle of their chests and even on their hands!
Do you know what they're called? They're super cute and I sooooooo wanna use them on the front cover. I asked Dornie and he wouldn't tell me. He said a rude word too!... What are the pink and blue marines called?
Thanks Pop!
Robbie G.
Dearest Daughter,
The Pink Fisters are one of my greatest chapters, I'm so glad you've taken an interest! They are a super bunch of happy guys, who like to run around the galaxy "fisting" as many different xeno races as they can. From what I recall of your previous book, I think it would be great if you hung out with them and experienced their super-awesome fisting techniques for yourself.
Go get 'em champ!
Dear Holly Emparor,
My name is Kwambe Dukimbe and I am a Nigerian prince. Nigeria is in Africa, and my father is sending me to America for my final schooling. But I cannot bring any of my country monies through customs! I need you to cash a check for me, for a plane ticket. When I reach America I will give you 25% of my inheritance, one million american dollars. Please send me your address and bank account number so I can buy plane ticket.
I look forward to learning in your land.
27660
Post by: The glass ninja
Dear Holly Emparor,
My name is Kwambe Dukimbe and I am a Nigerian prince. Nigeria is in Africa, and my father is sending me to America for my final schooling. But I cannot bring any of my country monies through customs! I need you to cash a check for me, for a plane ticket. When I reach America I will give you 25% of my inheritance, one million american dollars. Please send me your address and bank account number so I can buy plane ticket.
I look forward to learning in your land.
MY land i control entire planets and who made you a prince?? and didn't i turn Nigeria into the navigators quarter a while back HMMMMMMMMMMM expect a visit from your local Arbi-i mean messenger soon
THE HOLY SPACE EMPEROR GUY
dear space Emperor
where's Russ i can't find him anywhere.
confused thousand son
PS during his last visit he kinda blew up my house can i have another one?
15002
Post by: Vulkan_He'stan
dear space Emperor
where's Russ i can't find him anywhere.
confused thousand son
PS during his last visit he kinda blew up my house can i have another one?
dear that guy i dont like
to keep it short
no
the emperor
dear the emperor of space
can we just know what happend to vulkan please
or atleast give us a few clues?
also could you tell calgar to turn his power fist of next time he shakes hands with our chapter master (he crushed most of his body, probably because he knows salalmndes are so much better)
from baken salamander 3rd company
29878
Post by: Chowderhead
Vulkan_He'stan wrote:dear the emperor of space
can we just know what happend to vulkan please
or atleast give us a few clues?
also could you tell calgar to turn his power fist of next time he shakes hands with our chapter master (he crushed most of his body, probably because he knows salalmndes are so much better)
from baken salamander 3rd company
Ba'ken,
Here's a hint: POTATO. Good luck.
Teh Space Emperor.
Oi,
Why you Umies gotta ave so many gutz?
Mad Dok Grotsnik
14854
Post by: Anshal
Oi,
Why you Umies gotta ave so many gutz?
Mad Dok Grotsnik
Dear Mr Dok
Well if you were a REAl doctor I would tell you. however I am sending you a special package detailing something allot more flashy.
Yours Sincerely
Da big E man
Dear Mr Emperor
I am sending you this lettter to inform you that a certain mr Abbandon the Despoiler has set fourt a claim of insurace aganist you. The reason for this is the socalled destruction of his "Chapter master" by your hands 10.000 years ago. Your court date is next monday, can we expect you to show up?
Yours truly :
Tzeen & partners
518
Post by: Kid_Kyoto
Anshal wrote:
Dear Mr Emperor
I am sending you this lettter to inform you that a certain mr Abbandon the Despoiler has set fourt a claim of insurace aganist you. The reason for this is the socalled destruction of his "Chapter master" by your hands 10.000 years ago. Your court date is next monday, can we expect you to show up?
Yours truly :
Tzeen & partners
Abby D. Spoiler... No that name doesn't ring any bells. Tell you what, send the complaint to the Adeptus Lawyerus they'll deal with it. Usually by exterminus.
Emporer O'Mankind of the Clan Mankind
--------------------------------------
My master,
For over 12 light years I have served as director of the Special Anti-Dark Space Elf Inquisition Joint Task Force (SADSEIJTF). At first it was exciting, fulfilling work as our strike cruisers moved rapidly to respond to any sighting of Dark Space Elfs but slowly the calls became less frequent and now it's been years since we got any calls at all. There's talk of cutting our budget or even folding us into the Ad Hoc Anti Chaos Space Squat Joint Task Force (AHACSSJTF).
I've been offered early retirement, do you think I should take it? I can't stand just sitting around here waiting for a threat that will obviously never come.
Yours
Inquisitor Hait Aul Spays Elph
14854
Post by: Anshal
--------------------------------------
My master,
For over 12 light years I have served as director of the Special Anti-Dark Space Elf Inquisition Joint Task Force (SADSEIJTF). At first it was exciting, fulfilling work as our strike cruisers moved rapidly to respond to any sighting of Dark Space Elfs but slowly the calls became less frequent and now it's been years since we got any calls at all. There's talk of cutting our budget or even folding us into the Ad Hoc Anti Chaos Space Squat Joint Task Force (AHACSSJTF).
I've been offered early retirement, do you think I should take it? I can't stand just sitting around here waiting for a threat that will obviously never come.
Yours
Inquisitor Hait Aul Spays Elph
Dear Inqusitor:
What! They DARE to cut down on the space emo elf task force! NO early retierment is bad, very bad for you... just look at me, trapped on a golden can created by Rowboat Girlyman some 10.000 years ago. Take the tourch of fury to them, always work
Yours angrily and senior rights E Man
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hey there sexy manbeast, Im inviting you to spring-break for your loyal brides, we will have a host of activities . Like pop the virgin, burn the heretic and snugg the big E man
Can we expect you?
Your headgiving Sister Superior
29878
Post by: Chowderhead
Anshal wrote:
Hey there sexy manbeast, Im inviting you to spring-break for your loyal brides, we will have a host of activities . Like pop the virgin, burn the heretic and snugg the big E man
Can we expect you?
Your headgiving Sister Superior
Dear Superior,
You appear not to know the rules of the column. There will be no use of sexual content. Also, can you meet me on my space throne? You've been a naughty girl and need to be punished...
Hugs,
TSE
Dear False Emperor,
Why do you claim you are the true Emperor, when I have the greater skill, tactics, little green men and long, flowing purple cape? You shall bow before me! ME!
Yours despicably,
Emperor Zerg,
Master of the House Andy.
14854
Post by: Anshal
Dear False Emperor,
Why do you claim you are the true Emperor, when I have the greater skill, tactics, little green men and long, flowing purple cape? You shall bow before me! ME!
Yours despicably,
Emperor Zerg,
Master of the House Andy.
Dear Mr. Zerg if you only knew how many letters like this I get each week, my reply is the same. Im the ONLY Emperor because i got super enhanced humans and zillions of regular dudes/dudets who ALL bow down to me, And I also got a Inqusition + a golden Can
Yours Sincerly and rigthous
Da E man
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mr " Emperor "
YOUR FIRED!
Yours Truly
Donald Thrump III
514
Post by: Orlanth
Donald Thrump III wrote:
Mr " Emperor "
YOUR FIRED!
Yours Truly
Donald Thrump III
Dear Donald,
Listen up Heretic of Hairdos. The correct spelling is not 'YOUR FIRED!' but 'YOU FIRED!', if you are going to attempt to correspond at high levels spelling becomes important.
Anyway, I fired; or more accurately I gave the order to fire, via tarot, to a waiting Dominator class cruiser in orbit, with its Nova Cannon. The target was of course the supposed Menie 'golf course' building project you have been trying to build on Jokkia.
Someone had to do something.
Mr Emperor
Dear Master of Humanity.
O Ultimatus, recent readings with the Imperial Tarot (between poker games) has been fraught with grief due to dire readings regarding the Dark Eldar.
Apparently five vile heretics have given the Dark Eldar a makeover. People are saying that even ther humonculi now look cool. Apparently large spurs, 80's shoulder pads and flesh aprons are out, swords with kinks in them, metalic vicrodome helmets and sharp studs are in. I dont really understand but all our predictions suggest we will be seeing a lot more of them.
Can you please direct our agents to the cabal of makeover specialists (see attached photo) via by thy Omniscient vision. We will do the rest.
Youirs
=I=
Prejudis Biggot
Exhibit 1: Slaanesh worshipping cabal
29878
Post by: Chowderhead
Orlanth wrote:Dear Master of Humanity.
O Ultimatus, recent readings with the Imperial Tarot (between poker games) has been fraught with grief due to dire readings regarding the Dark Eldar.
Apparently five vile heretics have given the Dark Eldar a makeover. People are saying that even ther humonculi now look cool. Apparently large spurs, 80's shoulder pads and flesh aprons are out, swords with kinks in them, metalic vicrodome helmets and sharp studs are in. I dont really understand but all our predictions suggest we will be seeing a lot more of them.
Can you please direct our agents to the cabal of makeover specialists (see attached photo) via by thy Omniscient vision. We will do the rest.
Youirs
=I=
Prejudis Biggot
Dear Inquisitor Biggot,
We have been trying our hardest to get rid of this cabal, but somehow, they always appear, with more powerful hair dryers and great fashion tips. We must defeat them with brute force, and sheer masculinity. That way, we will overcome them, and smite them into the rainbow swirly abyss they came from.
Hugs and kisses,
Teh SpaceEmpeor.
Dear Mr. Emperor,
For my 5th grade writing assignment, I was told to write to someone important, so I am writing to you! I love you so much, and when I grow up,I want to be an Astartes!
Billy Jenkins,
Mrs. Leeman's 5th grade class.
17923
Post by: Asherian Command
Dear Billy Jenkins,
Good Just ask me any question and I shall give you no answer! And I can help you become an astrates. I highly suggest going to the Imperail Fists chapter if you are blonde, and if you want to help the Crimson fits sign up for them. But You need to train everyday! But other than that I love to hear from my fans!
From Da Space Emperor,
Dear Emperor of Mankind,
Greetings Emperor of Mankind we are fighting a Xenos plague! They call themselves the Shape Shifters. We were wondering if the Ordo Xenos could send in a Kill Team to aid us. Not only that but we have been hearing reports of a Uprising in the Ghoul Stars, and Captain Tyron of the 16th Company has responded. What can we do? Our chapter is almost spread so thinly that it is near its breaking point!
Brother Librarian Captain, Castiel of the 24th Company,
Storm Crusaders Chapter Orbiting the Planet of AB5210
14573
Post by: metallifan
Asherian Command wrote:
Dear Emperor of Mankind,
Greetings Emperor of Mankind we are fighting a Xenos plague! They call themselves the Shape Shifters. We were wondering if the Ordo Xenos could send in a Kill Team to aid us. Not only that but we have been hearing reports of a Uprising in the Ghoul Stars, and Captain Tyron of the 16th Company has responded. What can we do? Our chapter is almost spread so thinly that it is near its breaking point!
Brother Librarian Captain, Castiel of the 24th Company,
Storm Crusaders Chapter Orbiting the Planet of AB5210
Dear Whiner Marines: The Ordo Xenos is currently preoccupied with their annual company picnic and barbeque, so no. They can't help you. Don't you complain to Teh Spayse Emperor about being spread thinly! Look at the Pink Fisting Marines. They aren't fisting nearly as much as they used to, but do they complain about it? No. They don't. Why don't you learn how to fist nouns as well as they do, instead of crying when things get too tough? Oh, and by the way, I, the almighty Spayse Emperor, am not pleased with your misleading title. You Librarians lack proper libraries. I went to the "Angry-one-week-per-month" Chapter's Library, and they had never even heard of "Go Dogs Go". Librarian indeed! Hmph! Rather Irritated, Teh Spayse Emperor (Of all of Spayse) Dear The Space Emperor I was just wasting some time killing Heretics yesterday, and a thought occurred to me: Sometimes when I'm lying in bed trying to sleep, I get an itch on my arm, or leg, or back, and no matter how much I scratch, it won't go away. And I got to thinking as I was hacking through my fourth or fifth Heretic, do you ever get itchy? If so, how do you scratch it, being plugged into that big fancy throne and all. Do you have someone employed as your "Official Buttscratcher"? What would I need to do in order to have such a loyal buttscratcher at my beck and call? I've tried simply drafting up streetchildren, but I have awful gas and they always run away screaming and in tears. As it stands, I have no buttscratcher of my own. And everyone knows an Inquisitor cannot scratch his own bottom. That would be most improper. Sincerely, Inquisitor Ben Dover
34211
Post by: WastingTime232
Dear The Space Emperor
I was just wasting some time killing Heretics yesterday, and a thought occurred to me: Sometimes when I'm lying in bed trying to sleep, I get an itch on my arm, or leg, or back, and no matter how much I scratch, it won't go away. And I got to thinking as I was hacking through my fourth or fifth Heretic, do you ever get itchy? If so, how do you scratch it, being plugged into that big fancy throne and all. Do you have someone employed as your "Official Buttscratcher"? What would I need to do in order to have such a loyal buttscratcher at my beck and call? I've tried simply drafting up streetchildren, but I have awful gas and they always run away screaming and in tears. As it stands, I have no buttscratcher of my own. And everyone knows an Inquisitor cannot scratch his own bottom. That would be most improper.
Sincerely,
Inquisitor Ben Dover
Dear Ben,
The only fleshy part left of me is my gigantic brain, considering I've been decomposing for ten millenniums, and thus I have no butt to call my own. You should really know that, considering your status in the Inquisition. I suggest a servitor with one of those itching claw things and no nose.
Missing His Royal Assflesh,
The Space Emperor
15680
Post by: Ediin
@Wastingtime, You forgot to post a question of your own.  So, I'll post one! Dear Space Emp of Spayze I was busy yesterday hunting Carnifexes in the woods when a young PDF trooper walked up to me and said: Hey dude, your stats are totally OP. You should not be able to hunt Mounstrous Creatures in the woods, you're just a human. Besides, you have no Invulnerable save! HAHAHAHA!! With that, he pulled up a Plasma Gun, aimed it at me and pulled the trigger. However, because of my awesome Toughness, he failed his ''To Wound'' roll. I ripped him apart without a thought but his words still confound me. Am I really Cheesy?  Yours truly, Mephiston
33829
Post by: Librius Machina
Dear Mephiston,
I can kill a C'tan god with my mind and map out most of the galaxy all while trapped in a golden toilet and even I find you cheesy. Fake an injury or two and people might find you more tolerable. It worked for me at least, I've never been more loved and I get to play Sonic the Hedgehog on my plasma screen TV all day long.
Yours sincerly,
T. Emperor
Dear Emperor
I'm leader of a large group of your most definatly loyal to the core Space Marines and I want your expert advice. You did pretty well in your crusades and I respect that, but I am having trouble with my own. It just seems like nobody respects me any more and treat them like a joke. I just want to make my gods emperor happy and serve the Imperium of man to the best I can. You dealt with unruly legions for a long time and how did you keep order?
Yours faithfully
Abbadon the Despoiler Marneus Calgar.
4760
Post by: lords2001
Librius Machina wrote:
Dear Emperor
I'm leader of a large group of your most definatly loyal to the core Space Marines and I want your expert advice. You did pretty well in your crusades and I respect that, but I am having trouble with my own. It just seems like nobody respects me any more and treat them like a joke. I just want to make my gods emperor happy and serve the Imperium of man to the best I can. You dealt with unruly legions for a long time and how did you keep order?
Yours faithfully
Abbadon the Despoiler Marneus Calgar.
Dear Marneus - surely you, the master of the Ultramarines, the chapter all other marines secretly long to be like - surely indeed you must be jesting. You know what to do - stand around, act manly, shout things at people, that sort of thing. Maybe shave your head for more effect? Much respect from that, you know.
But honestly, I expected better from you. Now if you were that pansy Abaddon, who needs 13 Crusades in the morning just to find a caffine, then I would take you a bit more seriously. I mean, 10,000 years and you think someone would succeed or give up, right? Not good old 'Try again.... and again.... and again' Abaddon. But if you are really, really in need of getting someone put in their place, just send some human as a delegate to tell those fellow unruly marines to get into line and stop assing about. I mean, it worked with me and Lorgar, right? He totally took that lesson the right way...... oh. Well, maybe this time it might work.
Any questions, please don't hesitate to find a new job.
Cheers
T.Emperor
Dear Typhus
I hear you have been having a tough time lately - not many wars on, at least for you. And yet I see your fellow legionaires in almost every battle raging inside and outside the eye. I mean, it looks like a plague of plague marines. I know, I am very witty. But you seem to have disappeared completely! You haven't come down with something, have you? Please let me know where you are - we aren't the best friends of course, but I do care!
PS- know the best doctor, if you are feeling a little bloated or sick he can change that right around for you. Just leave me a message if you get this, I'm off to try and find the library again, I have an overdue book and the fine is going to be horrendous at some point.
Cheers
Ahriman
299
Post by: Kilkrazy
Dear Typhus
I hear you have been having a tough time lately - not many wars on, at least for you. And yet I see your fellow legionaires in almost every battle raging inside and outside the eye. I mean, it looks like a plague of plague marines. I know, I am very witty. But you seem to have disappeared completely! You haven't come down with something, have you? Please let me know where you are - we aren't the best friends of course, but I do care!
PS- know the best doctor, if you are feeling a little bloated or sick he can change that right around for you. Just leave me a message if you get this, I'm off to try and find the library again, I have an overdue book and the fine is going to be horrendous at some point.
Cheers
Ahriman
Dear Editor,
Once again your tekno-skrybes have filed a letter which isn’t for me at all!
I am sick to death of it. What is wrong with their servo-skulls? I can’t respond to this kind of rubbish!
If it happens one more time I won’t be answering any more queries.
Yours most sincerely,
Teh Space Emporer.
Dear Ther Spaec Emperer,
Lotta talk recently about these falutin Dark Elves.
I don’t get it, surely we wiped out all the Elves in the Great Spase Massacre of 30,000? Where have these basterds been hiding all this time?
Just let me know and me and the boys’ll go and sort them out for you.
Yours in hot plasma,
Sir Ron the Great, The Aye of Mor d’Or.
29878
Post by: Chowderhead
Kilkrazy wrote:
Dear Ther Spaec Emperer,
Lotta talk recently about these falutin Dark Elves.
I don’t get it, surely we wiped out all the Elves in the Great Spase Massacre of 30,000? Where have these basterds been hiding all this time?
Just let me know and me and the boys’ll go and sort them out for you.
Yours in hot plasma,
Sir Ron the Great, The Aye of Mor d’Or.
Dear Mr. d'OR,
I would love for you to destroy the foul Space Elves! I cannot stand to listen to one more whine about "Chores" or "Homework", or another all night session of Linkin Park. Just, for the love of Me, Don't hurt them. I really don't want to get in yet another lawsuit.
Dear Mr. Emperor sir,
It has come to my attention that you have willfully committed an act of Heresy by nearly Dying.
Expect me over there for tea and Ritual Decapitation
Regards,
High Commissar Exterminaticus.
14573
Post by: metallifan
chowderhead13 wrote:
Dear Mr. Emperor sir,
It has come to my attention that you have willfully committed an act of Heresy by nearly Dying.
Expect me over there for tea and Ritual Decapitation
Regards,
High Commissar Exterminaticus.
Dear High Commissar Excrementus No one ever got points for a partial job. You said it yourself - I almost died. I'm still very much alive, however. Well... Okay, that's a bit of an exaggeration, but I'm still -technically- alive. I just have better things to do than putz around and save you snot nos-err- lovely, caring masses. Things like jump rop-...joggi-...bicycle ri-... ...I'll get back to you on that. Wishing he could move again Teh Space Emprah Dear Space Emperor Why do the Ultramarines always win? Surely they've been defeated at least once. And why're they so respected? All they did during the Heresy was be bald and screaming towards the Alpha Legion... Faithfully, Little Timmy
5212
Post by: Gitzbitah
metallifan wrote:
Dear Space Emperor
Why do the Ultramarines always win? Surely they've been defeated at least once. And why're they so respected? All they did during the Heresy was be bald and screaming towards the Alpha Legion...
Faithfully,
Little Timmy
Dearest Timmah,
The Ultramarines win because they have perhaps the most advanced piece of military technology in the galaxy- the Rowboat. Unlike a sailboat, these boats are powered by Ultraoars, allowing them to go against the wind. Their symbol, commonly confused with the Greek Omega, is actually an inverted Rowboat the exquisite maneuver invented by mr. Guilliman to confuse and shock our enemies. While not at all effective at carrying supplies, it has been known to cause entire armies to die of laughter.
But between you and me, ever since he put out that best-selling Codex Astartes, the Ultramarines have been a little too close to their Legio Publicist. I can't help but wonder how many battles they've actually lost, and just spun as victory to boost sales. Ah well, I'm sure Macragge hasn't been completely eaten by Tyranids yet.
Sincerely,
Spehss Emprah
Lord Space Emperor!
As a loyal servant of the Machine God, I have always gloried in your union of flesh and steel. Indeed, once I was graced to strip some screws for use in a 'cup holder' you wanted used. My superior told me that you had issued an edict that everything that entered your presence had to be stripped, even if it meant that it would not function as well. I hope that you have found them adequate. I inquire not for praise, but because you had posted an Ad on the holy internets for a 'stripper'. As I have great experience at stripping nails, paint from walls, and insulation from copper wiring, I am glad to answer the call of my Emperor.
Brother Befff Kayke, Ordo Mechancicus, Mars
26852
Post by: Warlord Gazghkull Thraka
Dear Inquistitor Ben Dover,I do not have a "buttscratcher",as my nervous system is pretty much dead,so I do not recieve any itching sensations,but I would suggest programming a Servitor to do so,or you could use your power that you have thanks to being a Inquistitor and hire some one to do so.
Farewell, My servent.
Sincerly,The all-mighty,holy immortal Emperor of all.
Dear Space emperor,
I am curious why are there so many Ork scum near the holy Terra,Cadia area.
Wouldn't you keep them away at all costs?
Sincerly, Standard Trooper Fentill Osinarus of the 38th Infantry squad of the 478th Cadian Leigion
518
Post by: Kid_Kyoto
Great Space Emperor's Ghost! I mean uh, Great uh... me! 2 questions at once! Only my omnipotent Emporer Power can handle this!
Warlord Gazghkull Thraka wrote:
Dear Space emperor,
I am curious why are there so many Ork scum near the holy Terra,Cadia area.
Wouldn't you keep them away at all costs?
Sincerly, Standard Trooper Fentill Osinarus of the 38th Infantry squad of the 478th Cadian Leigion
Why Trooper Osinarus, are you implying that I could not destroy the Ork scum with my omnipotent powers? Are you? Think carefully about your answer. Confessor Skye will be along shortly to discuss the matter with you and rest assured he will find your lack of faith... disturbing.
Yours,
The OMNIPOTENT Space Emporer of Space
Lord Space Emperor!
As a loyal servant of the Machine God, I have always gloried in your union of flesh and steel. Indeed, once I was graced to strip some screws for use in a 'cup holder' you wanted used. My superior told me that you had issued an edict that everything that entered your presence had to be stripped, even if it meant that it would not function as well. I hope that you have found them adequate. I inquire not for praise, but because you had posted an Ad on the holy internets for a 'stripper'. As I have great experience at stripping nails, paint from walls, and insulation from copper wiring, I am glad to answer the call of my Emperor.
Brother Befff Kayke, Ordo Mechancicus, Mars
Dear Brother whateverthefrakyournameis
Um no, I can, with complete honesty say that you do not have the stripping skills I am looking for.
Thank me they finally put in those cameras in the Sororitas shower room.
Yours,
The guy who ain't been getting some for 10,000 years
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Deer Teh Space Emporer of Space,
I can't believe it is time to rite you again, I can't believe it's been one hole year.
I have been a very, very good Space Marine this year. I ate all my vegetables, even the broccoli. I said all my prayers and I polished my armor very much. I killed many space aliens and heretics and bad guys. And this one time when a scary space monster attacked I punched him with my punching thing and he dyed. It was awesome.
Please tell Father Kwanzaa that I want new shoulder pads and a Space Marine helmet for Kwanzaa so people stop trying to shoot me in the face. Also please tell him that Chaplain Cassius is a poo-poo head and very, very mean to me so he should get coal in his Space Stocking.
Yours truely,
Marneus Calgar
Chapter Master of the Ultramarines
Lord McCragg
20867
Post by: Just Dave
Deer Teh Space Emporer of Space,
I can't believe it is time to rite you again, I can't believe it's been one hole year.
I have been a very, very good Space Marine this year. I ate all my vegetables, even the broccoli. I said all my prayers and I polished my armor very much. I killed many space aliens and heretics and bad guys. And this one time when a scary space monster attacked I punched him with my punching thing and he dyed. It was awesome.
Please tell Father Kwanzaa that I want new shoulder pads and a Space Marine helmet for Kwanzaa so people stop trying to shoot me in the face. Also please tell him that Chaplain Cassius is a poo-poo head and very, very mean to me so he should get coal in his Space Stocking.
Yours truely,
Marneus Calgar
Chapter Master of the Ultramarines
Lord McCragg
Dear Manliest Calgar,
I have passed on your request, I'm sure a Space Marine Helmet (Mk.VIII) of course will be doable. Kwanzaa is worried that it may not fit into your stocking however, but I appeased him with the news of your shoe size.
I apologise however Manliest, the warp is turbulent at this time of year so Kwanzaa may be slightly late. He assures me that Rudolph will be up for the challenge however, be sure to clean your chimney this year though! Apparently he was attacked by a Licker-type thing last year that was lurking in there, remnants from the Tyranid invasion perhaps?
Yours Godly,
Emp.
------------------------------
Dear Mr S. Emperor,
We are writing to inform you that your energy bill for this year has almost tripled in comparison to the previous annual bill. We advise you that in the current economy and climate, you should be careful with your energy consumption. Even the little changes to your lifestyle can make a big difference to your energy usage and therefore bill.
Judging by your energy report we would advise the following:
- Refrain from leaving the 'Golden Throne' turned on when it is not in use.
- Turn Roboute Gulliman off Stand-by.
- Investigate the Nocturne Labyrinth beneath Mars, there is a significant amount of energy being used from this area.
- Do not blend/liquefy psykers before consuming them, the energy usage far outweighs the taste difference.
- Finally, much of the energy used by the Dark Angels Space Marine Chapter (TM) appears to be diverted to a recipient referred to as 'Ye Gods of Chaos'.
We hope we have not spoiled your festivities with this news.
Yours Faithfully,
Imperium-Energy-Incorporated.
518
Post by: Kid_Kyoto
Just Dave wrote:
Dear Mr S. Emperor,
We are writing to inform you that your energy bill for this year has almost tripled in comparison to the previous annual bill. We advise you that in the current economy and climate, you should be careful with your energy consumption. Even the little changes to your lifestyle can make a big difference to your energy usage and therefore bill.
Judging by your energy report we would advise the following:
- Refrain from leaving the 'Golden Throne' turned on when it is not in use.
- Turn Roboute Gulliman off Stand-by.
- Investigate the Nocturne Labyrinth beneath Mars, there is a significant amount of energy being used from this area.
- Do not blend/liquefy psykers before consuming them, the energy usage far outweighs the taste difference.
- Finally, much of the energy used by the Dark Angels Space Marine Chapter (TM) appears to be diverted to a recipient referred to as 'Ye Gods of Chaos'.
We hope we have not spoiled your festivities with this news.
Yours Faithfully,
Imperium-Energy-Incorporated.
Whoa, tripled? For real? Wow, how am I ever gonna cover that...
Oh yeah, I'll quadruple your taxes just to make sure you get paid. No, no need to thank me, that's what my power of Emporer Omniscience is for.
Yours
The Tax Man (and Emporer of Space)
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear The Spacial Emporer of Space Imperialism
Wow, oh wow! I can't believe it's almost Kwanzaa! This year sure flew by huh?
I've been a very (x2) good Space Marine this year, I always wore my skull hat and I polished my rod every night. Some nights I even had the Scouts come in to polish it for me so they could learn how to polish a Space Marine's Rod.
And this one time a Space Demon attacked and hit it with my Rod and it dyed.
Please tell Father Kwanzaa that I want a new breast plate (one of those cool ones that looks like ribs, they're awesome!) and a new bolt pistol because my old one got a scratch on it when I was pistol-whipping a Space Alien to death.
Yours Truely
Chaplain Cassius
Ultramar
PS-Marenus is always saying bad things about me because I make him eat his Space Broccoli before he can have Space Ice Cream for desert, please tell Father Kwanzaa to give him coal in his stocking.
20867
Post by: Just Dave
Kid_Kyoto wrote:Dear The Spacial Emporer of Space Imperialism
Wow, oh wow! I can't believe it's almost Kwanzaa! This year sure flew by huh?
I've been a very (x2) good Space Marine this year, I always wore my skull hat and I polished my rod every night. Some nights I even had the Scouts come in to polish it for me so they could learn how to polish a Space Marine's Rod.
And this one time a Space Demon attacked and hit it with my Rod and it dyed.
Please tell Father Kwanzaa that I want a new breast plate (one of those cool ones that looks like ribs, they're awesome!) and a new bolt pistol because my old one got a scratch on it when I was pistol-whipping a Space Alien to death.
Yours Truely
Chaplain Cassius
Ultramar
PS-Marenus is always saying bad things about me because I make him eat his Space Broccoli before he can have Space Ice Cream for desert, please tell Father Kwanzaa to give him coal in his stocking.
Dearest Chaplain Cassius,
Yeah. The year really flew by as I sat here in the same place the whole time thinking about how my sons tried to kill me and the human race was slowly dying. Was a buzz. Now 'Kwanzaa' is here though I feel so much better. Really compensates for being a corpse and everything.
Shouldn't you be doing a bit more with your rod than polishing it? Maybe stick it in some things? Like unruly scouts or invading Xenos? If it comes out dirty then you've done a good job.
I am however pleased to hear that you've been doing some good with your time, particularly in regards to the killing of xenos. However, Santa says that he's all out of Breastplates and Bolt Pistols so he'll be sending you some wrinkle cream and what he described as 'special videos'.
Furthermore, if you and Marneus would quit bickering that would also be good. Some of us have a galaxy to run and bigger things to worry about than Broccoli. Maybe you should hit him with your rod (possibly when he's sleeping?) then get back to conquering the galaxy.
Yours most bah humbugy,
The Big E.
--------------------------------------
Dear Mr God Emperor Sir,
I appear to have got myself in a bit of a pickle. You see, no-one likes me and I fail at everything I attempt and I've been around a long time so I have failed a lot.
Some people think I've been achieving lots of little goals and achieving much in the long-term but others think that I'm just a huge failure and now all my neighbours ignore me and won't help me. I personally don't know what to think, but now I'm really sad and things have been so much worse since daddy left me...
I know things between us haven't exactly been the best of relationships and I know I've wronged you in many ways and I sincerely apologise, but could you lend me a hand this one time? Please? It's Christmas after all; the time of forgiveness!
Yours faithfully, as always.
A. Despoiler.
9598
Post by: Quintinus
Dear Mr God Emperor Sir,
I appear to have got myself in a bit of a pickle. You see, no-one likes me and I fail at everything I attempt and I've been around a long time so I have failed a lot.
Some people think I've been achieving lots of little goals and achieving much in the long-term but others think that I'm just a huge failure and now all my neighbours ignore me and won't help me. I personally don't know what to think, but now I'm really sad and things have been so much worse since daddy left me...
I know things between us haven't exactly been the best of relationships and I know I've wronged you in many ways and I sincerely apologise, but could you lend me a hand this one time? Please? It's Christmas after all; the time of forgiveness!
Yours faithfully, as always.
A. Despoiler.
Dearest A. Despoiler, (what does the A stand for? Alvin?) Anyway, Alvin, what a terrible name you have. And I thought Alpharius was pretty bad. (I was kinda buzzed when I named him) I wouldn't know what to do in your situation. You see, everyone loves me very very (x2) much. Sucks that your dad left you, but I've never been a family man so I can't exactly talk about that either. And honestly I don't know what you're apologizing about but whatever. Anyway, I'm going to cut this space letter short, some of my men are polishing my throne and my long, pulsating power sword. Catch ya on the flip, Teh Spaise Empro0r P.S. Several Titan legions, Space Marine chapters, and contingents of the Imperial Army should be nuking you into oblivion by the time you obtain this letter. Happy Space Kwanza! --------------------------- Dear Spse emp0r,
As an Imperial Assassin, I have very (x2) made sure to pledge myself to your will and have many times ejaculated loudly your praises with my brethren in attendance.
However, on a recent mission I found myself oddly attracted to a xenos specimen-a female xenos, an Eldar Farseer. She had these blue eyes to die for and such ivory skin. I have killed hundreds of targets and endured what a normal man could die from, but overcoming my nerve to ask her on a date to a space theater is just nerve-wracking to the extreme. Even frenzon doesn't help!
From what I've heard, back in the day you were a pretty big playa and I was wonderin if you had any tips for this ol' Assassin.
Yours truly,
Lov'Kinn Blumm (The Space Assassin)
20564
Post by: Owain
Hoo, boy...
Well, my child, you may not be so happy to discover that you're looking at a pretty short path. My space-omniscience tells me that we had to remove your giblets to make room for a MkVIIVb Gyrostabilizer Implant.
Have a nice day, now.
-----
Dear Spase Emporer,
As I've been such a good little Storm Trooper this year, I'd like to request the following for Space Kwanzaa:
-A bigger flashlight
-Two-ply tissue-paper protective equipment
-A space pony!
-Lieutenant Sanders
11th Secret Regiment of Herbs and Spices
518
Post by: Kid_Kyoto
Dear Spase Emporer,
As I've been such a good little Storm Trooper this year, I'd like to request the following for Space Kwanzaa:
-A bigger flashlight
-Two-ply tissue-paper protective equipment
-A space pony!
-Lieutenant Sanders
11th Secret Regiment of Herbs and Spices
Grrr... DO I LOOK LIKE FATHER KWANZAA? DO I HAVE A BIG BLACK BEARD AND A SLED PULLED BY 24 TINY GAZELLES? I DON'T THINK SO! Send these letters to Ask Father Kwanzaa! This is Ask the Space Emperor of Space! Yours TSE Not FK! PS Since this is Kwanzaa I've approved your transfer to the 23rd Lunar Rough Riders, happy Kwanzaa! ----------------------------------------------------------- Dear The Space Emperor Our names are spoken of in whispers, the invisible snipers of the Officio Vindicare, the crazed bezerkers of the Officio Eversore, the psychic monsters of the Officio Culexus, the unseen infiltrators of the Officio Callidus and of course we, the surprisingly effective killers of the Officio Fluffy Pillow. Our agents (both of them) have trained for decades to master all the ways of killing with fluffy pillows. Whether you need a renegade general smothered in his bed or a heretical cardinal to slip and break his neck from a 'carelessly' placed fluffy pillow we are here to meet all your fluffy pillow-related killing needs. However it has been some time since our services were last called up. Not since Agent Tempur Pedic struck down a genestealer pariarch with a pillow soaked in flaming oil have we been assigned a mission. And now, on the very eve of Kwanzaa, the Adeptus Acountus says if we do not get an assignment soon they will cut our funding and let the Officio Broken Bottle move into our temple. The Officio Broken Bottle, hmph! Killing with a broken bottle is not challenge, I mean my grandma can kill someone with a broken bottle and she's been dead for 40 years! But artfully arranging a fluffy pillow so that an Eldar Farseer will inhale it while snoring and choke to death before any can come to his aid, that is a rare skill indeed. Thus I approach you on bended knee and ask... got any work for us boss? Sincerely Master Postur Pedic Officio Fluffy Pillow
20867
Post by: Just Dave
Kid_Kyoto wrote:Dear The Space Emperor
Our names are spoken of in whispers, the invisible snipers of the Officio Vindicare, the crazed bezerkers of the Officio Eversore, the psychic monsters of the Officio Culexus, the unseen infiltrators of the Officio Callidus and of course we, the surprisingly effective killers of the Officio Fluffy Pillow.
Our agents (both of them) have trained for decades to master all the ways of killing with fluffy pillows. Whether you need a renegade general smothered in his bed or a heretical cardinal to slip and break his neck from a 'carelessly' placed fluffy pillow we are here to meet all your fluffy pillow-related killing needs. However it has been some time since our services were last called up. Not since Agent Tempur Pedic struck down a genestealer pariarch with a pillow soaked in flaming oil have we been assigned a mission.
And now, on the very eve of Kwanzaa, the Adeptus Acountus says if we do not get an assignment soon they will cut our funding and let the Officio Broken Bottle move into our temple. The Officio Broken Bottle, hmph! Killing with a broken bottle is not challenge, I mean my grandma can kill someone with a broken bottle and she's been dead for 40 years! But artfully arranging a fluffy pillow so that an Eldar Farseer will inhale it while snoring and choke to death before any can come to his aid, that is a rare skill indeed.
Thus I approach you on bended knee and ask... got any work for us boss?
Sincerely
Master Postur Pedic
Officio Fluffy Pillow
Aaaah, those of the uh... Fluffy uh... Pillows...
I uh... do indeed have some uh... work for you.
It's been a busy time of year as I'm sure you know, I've just been so busy attending to all those loyal to the Imperium and deserving of Kwansaa Pressies that I completely forgot about my monthly purging of heretics. Whoops.
OK, so I have a list of people that got coal in their stocking for Christmas so any one of these will do...
- Abaddon the Despoiler - Although rumour has it that he doesn't sleep with any pillows. And he can be very restless in his sleep. I remember Horus telling me about his constant nightmares and constant wriggling in his sleep.
- Mephiston - I don't know what your strength is like, but this guy has a stupidly high toughness and crazy-good abilities so be careful. He's getting a bit too close to heretical for my liking though...
- Lady Gwen of Cadia - She's been spreading nasty rumours about my in-bed-ability. However, I've never seen her actually asleep in the bed, although I have seen her bed a lot if you know what I mean? eh? eh?
Any others I will leave to your discretion though. I have given the same list to the Broken Bottle dudes too. And the Officio Choke-on-chestnut has recieved a similar list so work fast...
Yours Forgetfully,
Emps.
---------------------------------------------------
Dear Mr Emperor Sir,
We sincerely apologise but your latest shipment of 'Thy-holiest-gold-plated-toilet-throne-paper' has been lost in transit. We believe it to be the result of those darned Eldar raiders who are back on the scene after a long absence.
Another package has just been shipped containing 'Slightly-less-holy-than-Thy-holiest-gold-plated-toilet-throne-paper-toilet-throne-paper' however we cannot guarantee it will arrive before your existing 'Thy-holiest-gold-plated-toilet-throne-paper' stockpile runs out.
Once again, we sincerly apologise for any complications and can only hope that recently dispatched 'Slightly-less-holy-than-Thy-holiest-gold-plated-toilet-throne-paper-toilet-throne-paper' arrives in time. I would advise eating less in the current period to ensure a continious supply of 'Thy-holiest-gold-plated-toilet-throne-paper'; I hope you didn't eat too many Sprouts or Prunes over Kwansaa.
Yours Humble Servant,
Jimmy Mcbogroll.
C.E. of Golden-throne-bog-roll-Thy-holiest-gold-plated-toilet-throne-paper-Slightly-less-holy-than-Thy-holiest-gold-plated-toilet-throne-paper-toilet-throne-paper-and-most-heretical-thorny-toilet-paper.
31272
Post by: Battle Brother Lucifer
Dear Space Emperor,
Why was the Dakka-memes thread locked without a mod posting something suitably classy and bringing it to a close at the same time?
Your Humble Servant, Battle Brother Lucifer
15680
Post by: Ediin
battle Brother Lucifer wrote:Dear Space Emperor,
Why was the Dakka-memes thread locked without a mod posting something suitably classy and bringing it to a close at the same time?
Your Humble Servant, Battle Brother Lucifer
Dear Battle brother Lucifer,
I always like to keep contact with the Overseers of my fanboards. So, when your ''Mods'' alerted me of a supposed rebel uprising being planned in the
''Dakka Memes Thread'' I decided that these Dakkaites Overthrowing Oppresive Mods blah blah must be exterminated ruthlessly.
Due to the danger posed by these heretics, who are at the moment busy invading Lichtenstein, I used my psychic powers and wiped the thread from existence.
The thread you see lingering in the OT forum is merely a shrivelled husk, its soul having been sucked into the Warp.
Yours Truly,
Teh Space Emporer
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
My Emperor,
Why is the Bloodthirster wearing a thong?
Mr.Cultist
20867
Post by: Just Dave
Ediin wrote:
My Emperor,
Why is the Bloodthirster wearing a thong?
Mr.Cultist
Bulge for the bulge throne, thrusts for the thrust god my dear cultist. Is it not clear that the thong is a form of Psychological warfare and blasphemous intent.
It's OK though my dear cultist, my Space Marines know no fear and if anything, the sight of this Blood Thirsters thong only causes them to stand to attention...
Sincerley, Emps.
----------------------------------
Dear Mr Space Emporer,
After a long, in-depth conversation with my attorney's, we have decided that I will be suing you for gross misconduct and failure to prevent harm in the work-place.
I have had a long, suffering life as the result of your inadequacies and misconduct and now I will be suing you for everything you have.
The court date is set for exactly three cycles from now. I shall see you there. Please bring some baby oil also, as I will be giving you a spanking!
Yours Sincerley,
Lion'el Jonson.
25727
Post by: Darkvoidof40k
Dear Lion'el Jonson,
You're grounded.
Yours mischievously,
Dad
Dear Big E,
I have been a very good Space Marine in the last ten thousand years; killing all my enemies without any remorse or mercy, and I have grown unstoppa-very powerful.
Trillions of worshippers of the false diety have died in my name and by my blade. The heretics who bow before the God of Rot and Decay will all soon be dead.
So, I was wondering if you'd be as beneficient as to leave a giant shipment of MK7 Power Armor, 25362681353290674857235326279683267430674289735Bolter rounds, some Thunder Hammers and Land Raiders and a few Titans in the Cadian Gate. Some STCs wouldn't go amiss either.
I just feel my men and I should be rewarded for our services for the true Lords of mankind.
Yours expectently,
Abad T. De Spoiler
20867
Post by: Just Dave
Darkvoidof40k wrote:Dear Big E,
I have been a very good Space Marine in the last ten thousand years; killing all my enemies without any remorse or mercy, and I have grown unstoppa-very powerful.
Trillions of worshippers of the false diety have died in my name and by my blade. The heretics who bow before the God of Rot and Decay will all soon be dead.
So, I was wondering if you'd be as beneficient as to leave a giant shipment of MK7 Power Armor, 25362681353290674857235326279683267430674289735Bolter rounds, some Thunder Hammers and Land Raiders and a few Titans in the Cadian Gate. Some STCs wouldn't go amiss either.
I just feel my men and I should be rewarded for our services for the true Lords of mankind.
Yours expectently,
Abad T. De Spoiler
Dear Mr Spoiler,
I can most certainly provide you with those resources, they shall help to eradicate the heretic and purge the traitorous. These new resources being sent your way should help destroyer anyone who believes in a false god and crush their enemies beneath their treads...
If you guys all want to stand out in the open to receive such goodies, that'd be great. As a slight complication however, this Mark 7 Power Armour I am sending you will already be manned and painted in a combination of blue and yellow.
Furthermore, the Land Raiders I am sending you will also be Blue and driven by some some of the blue guys in Mark 7 Power Armour. They will all be carrying the Bolter rounds you requested too and the Thunder Hammers will be hand delivered (along with some bonus storm shields) inside the Land Raiders by some more guys in blue!
Also, these resources I'm sending you may be embellished with a large, white 'U'. This simply stands for 'U are welcome to this goodies'.
Hope you enjoy.
Yours Omnisciently, the Big E.
-------------------------
Dear Mr Emperor,
I was wondering if you could possibly, kindly, pretty please, change the underwear us Guardsmen are forced to wear. Whilst I can under-stand the need to cut costs and the easy-of-production and undeniable quality of the Flak Armour, I sometimes worry these cost-saving practices are going too far?
The Catachans for example all wear vests! Presumably that's to save money produce flak armour and sleeves? Obviously I don't doubt your intelligence or authority, it's just I fear the new underwear we Guardsmen must wear is a bit... much.Well, less actually.
I'm really struggling to fight the Orks at the moment as this banana-hammock I'm having to wear is really uncomfortable; it keeps riding up and ruining my shot. I can understand the efficiency in that these banana-hammocks reduce costs, but our morale is down and if a man can't be comfortable in his underwear, then how is he supposed to purge the Orks from Imperial Planets?
Any assistance in this regard would be much appreciated Mr Emperor. The Commissars provide some of the men 'special' assistance is it is, but if you could sort out these regulation-issue banana-hammocks that would be great.
Yours uncomfortably,
Guardsmen C. Klein.
29878
Post by: Chowderhead
Dear Mr. Klien,
We do not have enough funds to replace all of your underwear, unfortunately. We are referring you to your local Commissar HR department. They should shoot- Er, sort things out.
Dear Mr. Emperor,
Do the Blood Angels sparkle? If so, can I write a story about how a Blood Angel falls in love with a female guardsmen and then must choose between him and a Space wolf?
- Insane in Ingo 5356
39590
Post by: Mr Meatballs
Dear ingo 5356
NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Dear Mr. emperor,
When will the DFS sale end?
518
Post by: Kid_Kyoto
Mr Meatballs wrote:
Dear Mr. emperor,
When will the DFS sale end?
Hrm, by DFS I assume you mean Death Frenzy Swords, the 4th largest maker of power swords on the outer rim. THeir sale ends Sunday night at midnight.
Now is that really something you needed to bother your omnipotent and vengeful divine Space Emporer with? Luckily I have some very 'inquisitive' guys who can find out.
You'll be hearing from them soon.
The Emp!
=====================================
Dear The Space Emporer of Space!
DUUUUDE! I've like been so busy lately carving my name into the hearts of Angron, Fulgrim, Mortarion and Magnus I like TOTALLY forgot to thank you for the NEW CODEX! It's like RADICALLY EXTREME! I mean we got Dreadnaughts, Dreadknights, Storm Ravens, personal teleporters, chrome armor, the whole nine yards!
THe only thing is... we gotta talk about the name.
I mean GREY Knights? What? Were the Beige Battalions taken? SO I was thinking maybe we could be...
BHUM BHUM BHUM
The RADICAL AWESOMARINES!
What do you say?
Grand Master Draigo
Of the RADICAL AWESOMARINES!
299
Post by: Kilkrazy
Dear The Space Emporer of Space!
DUUUUDE! I've like been so busy lately carving my name into the hearts of Angron, Fulgrim, Mortarion and Magnus I like TOTALLY forgot to thank you for the NEW CODEX! It's like RADICALLY EXTREME! I mean we got Dreadnaughts, Dreadknights, Storm Ravens, personal teleporters, chrome armor, the whole nine yards!
THe only thing is... we gotta talk about the name.
I mean GREY Knights? What? Were the Beige Battalions taken? SO I was thinking maybe we could be...
BHUM BHUM BHUM
The RADICAL AWESOMARINES!
What do you say?
Grand Master Draigo
Of the RADICAL AWESOMARINES!
Dear Grand Master Flash,
Many centuries ago I followed your adventures with the Wheels of Steel. The Message, White Lines; those were the days!
What happened to Melle Mel in the end?
Still, enough nostalgia, time to get back to business.
As you know, by sacred tradition my Chapters of Spase Marines have always been named for a distinctive colour that forms part of their heraldry; White Scars, Ultramarines, Black Templars and so on.
The problem is that we ran out of colours a long time ago. What with the bad state of the economy and budget cuts and everything, we’ve had to start naming Chapters for their sponsor companies. You may have heard of the Seibu Lions, for example, or the Cold Stone Creamers.
Anyway, there is already a Chapter sponsored by a galactic hotel chain. Your proposed name “Radical Marines” is just too close to the already well known Radisson Marines to allow you to use it for your new Chapter.
On the plus side, we were able to find one colour that has never been used, so you can have the honour of being the last ever Space Marines to be named in the traditional manner. It will also save on paint costs.
Keep up the good work!
Teh Space Emp.
Dear Galactic Overlord,
No doubt you are as rivetted as all of us following this century’s Galactic Cup Cricketball 50-50 competition. As a resident of Holy Terra, you must be disappointed at the fairly lacklustre performance of your home team.
Based on your extensive Cricketballing experience, what advice would you give the team for their next match?
Yours in Sport,
Leatheron Willow
26852
Post by: Warlord Gazghkull Thraka
Kilkrazy wrote:
Dear Galactic Overlord,
No doubt you are as rivetted as all of us following this century’s Galactic Cup Cricketball 50-50 competition. As a resident of Holy Terra, you must be disappointed at the fairly lacklustre performance of your home team.
Based on your extensive Cricketballing experience, what advice would you give the team for their next match?
Yours in Sport,
Leatheron Willow
Dear Leatheron Willow To be the best player you can, and to be a good sport. Sincerely, The Emp. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Dear Emperor, How do you take a crap? Obviously you can't get up and use the space-john, is that golden "throne" of yours also a toilet as I always hear from the guys in my squad? And how do you even wipe?!?!? Sincerely, Garadon Seculus of the Catachan 97th platoon.
14573
Post by: metallifan
Warlord Gazghkull Thraka wrote:
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Emperor,
How do you take a crap?
Obviously you can't get up and use the space-john, is that golden "throne" of yours also a toilet as I always hear from the guys in my squad?
And how do you even wipe?!?!?
Sincerely, Garadon Seculus of the Catachan 97th platoon.
My humble servant,
I do say, of all the things you could've asked, you had to- wait a minute... Are you the same waste-obsessed Guardsman that put that burning bag of dog feces at the front gate of the Imperial Palace? Do you have ANY IDEA how long it takes to get one of my servants to walk there and stomp it out!? ANY IDEA AT ALL? I mean, this bloody palace is the size of England! Imagine walking from Edinburgh to London. And not just in a straight line. There're stairs, and Elevators, and Stair-Elevators... And lots of poorly lit hallways covered in Gothic Murals and Grimdark Skulls...
Yeesh... I really need to redecorate...
...Huh. Anyway, the point is THAT IT TOOK A REALLY, REALLY LONG TIME TO GET THERE! It wasn't nice, and back when I was a lad, we got the paddle for those kinds of shenannigans! You kids these days have it so darn easy!
Anyway, I'd love to keep yelling at you, but I forgot why I was angry. Plus, it's time for my afternoon snack. 10,000 psykers aren't going to eat themselves!
Forgetting where he left his slippers,
The Space Emperor.
Dear Space Emperor...
How in your name did the Grey Knights get away with creating something as heretical as the Dreadknight!? For one, it has ROUNDED PANELS! ROUNDED! Where are our 90 and 45 degree angles? This armour plating is smooth, like the armour used by those prancing bum-humping Eldar! And the complete lack of rivets is -surely- a mistake! How do those panels hold themselves in place without our archaic method of using way too many rivets!?
Sorely disappointed,
Enginseer Bob.
25727
Post by: Darkvoidof40k
metallifan wrote:
Dear Space Emperor...
How in your name did the Grey Knights get away with creating something as heretical as the Dreadknight!? For one, it has ROUNDED PANELS! ROUNDED! Where are our 90 and 45 degree angles? This armour plating is smooth, like the armour used by those prancing bum-humping Eldar! And the complete lack of rivets is -surely- a mistake! How do those panels hold themselves in place without our archaic method of using way too many rivets!?
Sorely disappointed,
Enginseer Bob.
Dear Enginseer Bob, It is not your place to question the will of the Holy Inquisition , nor its chamber militant and its tactics. If you have a complaint, perhaps you would like to take it up with one of these new "Dreadknights". While I have no idea what you're talking about, being the rotting carcass on a discoloured chair in a gloomy room filled with cobwebs, it has "Dread" in it, which makes it sound like Dreadnought. Dreadnought's are awesome, no? Sincerely, Big E P.S. - If you must know, it's all secretly a conspiracy and the Grey Knights are working for the Eldar with an ulterior motive of destroying Slaanesh ubove all else. (edit: Forgot my own letter..  ) Dear his Holy Mightiness, the Most Beneficient and Beloved Emperor of Mankind, Why in the name of your own throne did you let Horus do so much damage to you? He was quite clearly a complete son of a **** who liked to **** ** *** with his ***** while **** ** *********. Furthermore, ******! And he killed Sanguinius - May his nipples rest in peace. Horus destroyed most of your empire, pretty much made it inevitable that humanity will be extinct in another few thousand years, AND killed one of your sons right infront of you. Yet you still didn't care enough to kill him on the spot. One lonely Guardsman who was a Terminator but not maybe, had to walk in and get eaten by Horus' hand before you cared enough to KILL HORUS. You let him turn your flesh into sludge and boil your blood, but you didn't kill him until one more soul was claimed by Horus. Yours fumingly, The Sanguinor.
26852
Post by: Warlord Gazghkull Thraka
Darkvoidof40k wrote:
Dear his Holy Mightiness, the Most Beneficient and Beloved Emperor of Mankind,
Why in the name of your own throne did you let Horus do so much damage to you? He was quite clearly a complete son of a **** who liked to **** ** *** with his ***** while **** ** *********.
Furthermore, ******! And he killed Sanguinius - May his nipples rest in peace. Horus destroyed most of your empire, pretty much made it inevitable that humanity will be extinct in another few thousand years, AND killed one of your sons right infront of you. Yet you still didn't care enough to kill him on the spot. One lonely Guardsman who was a Terminator but not maybe, had to walk in and get eaten by Horus' hand before you cared enough to KILL HORUS. You let him turn your flesh into sludge and boil your blood, but you didn't kill him until one more soul was claimed by Horus.
Yours fumingly,
The Sanguinor.
Well, You see Mr. Sanguinor, I was... Have you ever heard of a hangover?
-The Emp.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Almighty Emperor,
Why don't you just rebuild your body into some cyborg, like General Grievous or something and not sit on that chair of yours,being all lazy like?!?!?!
Seriously, I'm working my ass of! We're in the 41 Millennium! We have that kind of medi-tech, ya know!
-anonymous
25727
Post by: Darkvoidof40k
Dear Almighty Emperor,
Why don't you just rebuild your body into some cyborg, like General Grievous or something and not sit on that chair of yours,being all lazy like?!?!?!
Seriously, I'm working my ass of! We're in the 41 Millennium! We have that kind of medi-tech, ya know!
-anonymous
Dear anonymous,
I am the Emperor. I go (no)where I please, do (nothing) as I please, and devour the souls of a thousand pyskers a day! You presume to order me? Pfschaw! Expect the storm troopers to be knocking on your door later tonight..
Hm. I also see you support the false deity known as "Bunny". You will most certainly be burned and crucified simultaneously.
Yours truly, The God Emperor of Everything he Pleases.
518
Post by: Kid_Kyoto
La-la-la sitting on my chair, waiting for some questions, where are my questions? Where? WHERE! Ah wait... my Space Emperor Sense is tingling, I think I spy it now...
RandyMcStab wrote:
ZOMG
The Eldar has developed AV13! We're all doomed!!
First of all Ranolph Son of Stab of the Clan McStab you should always phrase things in the form of a question, this is ASK the Space Emperor, not TELL the Space Emperor. But I will forgive your impurtinance this once because there's nothing good on the TV.
To begin the Space Elfs or as you young folks like to call them the Elders have long had AV13 technology but have chosen not to use it in order to give us Humans a fair chance. This is much the same as why they send their untrained civilians out wearing armor made of wet cardboard and with guns that shoot about as far as we can throw a rock. The Space Elfs are a perverse race and we should not try to understand their humor.
So no, no we are not doomed because by the Treaty of Game Balance they may only use AV13 in Apocalypse battles, and when they do I shall simply wave my mighty hand and all Guardsmen shall become Sly Marbo. Let's see what those Space Elfs do when 250 Sly Marbos step out of the shadows, throw 250 demo charges and then charge to plant 250 melta bombs.
Yours
The E of S
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Whoa! Dude!
I just got my new Codex and it's like, even more RADICAL AWESOME than I thought! I'm like, 2 Wound Termi Troops with FNP and 3+ Shrouding save FTW! To the MAX!!!!!!!!!
And like those Dreadknights, WHOA! AWESOMLY EPIC EXTREME MAN! I can like put power armor in my power armor so I can like kill while I kill! Next we like need to get a WARLORD TITAN that like has a Dreadknight piloting it and a terminator piloting that! That would be RADICALLY AWESOMELY EPICALY EXTREME TO THE MAX!
So anyway, I got a question, how come Inquisitors suck so much? Oh wait, it's cause they ain't marines! HAW! Dumbass puny humans! I dunno why we even let them hang out with us.
Nah my real question is like, is the reason that I'm like so awesome and radical and kicking butt and taking names and rocking and rolling all up and down the warp, is it cause like I'm the only Grey Knight in Space History who had the good sense to buy a Storm Shield? Is that why? Cause like maybe some of the other guys should get ones too, they can take them from those Puny Human Crusader guys and then we can watch them cry like little girls.
Sorry man, I gotta go now, I gotta like carve my name in Angron's heart but the big wuss won't come out and fight me so I gotta kick down his door and like kill a million billion demons first. But catch you on the flip side yo!
Sincerely
Supreme Awesome Radical Grand Master of Awesomeness
Draigo
25727
Post by: Darkvoidof40k
Kid_Kyoto wrote:
Whoa! Dude!
I just got my new Codex and it's like, even more RADICAL AWESOME than I thought! I'm like, 2 Wound Termi Troops with FNP and 3+ Shrouding save FTW! To the MAX!!!!!!!!!
And like those Dreadknights, WHOA! AWESOMLY EPIC EXTREME MAN! I can like put power armor in my power armor so I can like kill while I kill! Next we like need to get a WARLORD TITAN that like has a Dreadknight piloting it and a terminator piloting that! That would be RADICALLY AWESOMELY EPICALY EXTREME TO THE MAX!
So anyway, I got a question, how come Inquisitors suck so much? Oh wait, it's cause they ain't marines! HAW! Dumbass puny humans! I dunno why we even let them hang out with us.
Nah my real question is like, is the reason that I'm like so awesome and radical and kicking butt and taking names and rocking and rolling all up and down the warp, is it cause like I'm the only Grey Knight in Space History who had the good sense to buy a Storm Shield? Is that why? Cause like maybe some of the other guys should get ones too, they can take them from those Puny Human Crusader guys and then we can watch them cry like little girls.
Sorry man, I gotta go now, I gotta like carve my name in Angron's heart but the big wuss won't come out and fight me so I gotta kick down his door and like kill a million billion demons first. But catch you on the flip side yo!
Sincerely
Supreme Awesome Radical Grand Master of Awesomeness
Draigo
What? How can you possibly exist? How did I not notice you doing things that defy all previous history? And why is your face so ugly? Did Nurgle crap you out into his garden or something? You are an abomination of existance, and you condone the GK Baby-Carriers? Heretical at best.
You have a Storm Shield because without it you would be useless. Now cease bothering me while I contemplate how best to snuff you out of existance.
Yours angrily,
The Emp.
________________________________
Dear your holiness,
Why has my world been taken over by Chaos? Why are our fine works of art and culture destroyed without a thought? Why are we now existing to serve the sick, perverse pleasure of evil overlords from our worst nightmares? Why are we starving to death; why are my children scrounging in the dirt for food and why are my friends and family butchered so? Why is the blood of our people running freely down the streets?
Oh Emperor, why have we been forsaken so? I beseech you to save us from this unparalled tyrany, or at least end our suffering in this nightmarish mortal world.
From,
a nameless citizen of the Imperium.
26852
Post by: Warlord Gazghkull Thraka
Kid_Kyoto wrote:[b]
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Whoa! Dude!
I just got my new Codex and it's like, even more RADICAL AWESOME than I thought! I'm like, 2 Wound Termi Troops with FNP and 3+ Shrouding save FTW! To the MAX!!!!!!!!!
And like those Dreadknights, WHOA! AWESOMLY EPIC EXTREME MAN! I can like put power armor in my power armor so I can like kill while I kill! Next we like need to get a WARLORD TITAN that like has a Dreadknight piloting it and a terminator piloting that! That would be RADICALLY AWESOMELY EPICALY EXTREME TO THE MAX!
So anyway, I got a question, how come Inquisitors suck so much? Oh wait, it's cause they ain't marines! HAW! Dumbass puny humans! I dunno why we even let them hang out with us.
Nah my real question is like, is the reason that I'm like so awesome and radical and kicking butt and taking names and rocking and rolling all up and down the warp, is it cause like I'm the only Grey Knight in Space History who had the good sense to buy a Storm Shield? Is that why? Cause like maybe some of the other guys should get ones too, they can take them from those Puny Human Crusader guys and then we can watch them cry like little girls.
Sorry man, I gotta go now, I gotta like carve my name in Angron's heart but the big wuss won't come out and fight me so I gotta kick down his door and like kill a million billion demons first. But catch you on the flip side yo!
Sincerely
Supreme Awesome Radical Grand Master of Awesomeness
Draigo
Dear Supreme Awesome Radical Grand Master of Awesomeness Draigo, I don't know what the question was, so I will answer both: to the question referring to Inquisitors, they just fight in more subtle ways then marines, and because you called them that, you're going to get a nice visit from them. And in regards to the Storm shields. They may arm them selves in any way, as long as it can bring my justice to the universe. By the way, you going to get a visit from them too. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Oi! 'oomie Emperer! Why's ya just sit in dat toilet like a wimp? If ya so god emperer-ish can't ya just make da noggins of ya eneimies go "ka-blaaamo"? So have a go at it, a dead git! Just soo ya know I stole ya transmi- trans- tra- talky channel! Goth Nob Guk Scarfinga
25727
Post by: Darkvoidof40k
Ignore my post then.. 
26852
Post by: Warlord Gazghkull Thraka
oops, sorry dude.... Took me a long time to write that(probaly why I didn't notice your post).
518
Post by: Kid_Kyoto
(no problem guys, the Big E can handle both)
Darkvoidof40k wrote:Dear your holiness,
Why has my world been taken over by Chaos? Why are our fine works of art and culture destroyed without a thought? Why are we now existing to serve the sick, perverse pleasure of evil overlords from our worst nightmares? Why are we starving to death; why are my children scrounging in the dirt for food and why are my friends and family butchered so? Why is the blood of our people running freely down the streets?
Oh Emperor, why have we been forsaken so? I beseech you to save us from this unparalled tyrany, or at least end our suffering in this nightmarish mortal world.
From,
a nameless citizen of the Imperium.
Oh yeah. About that... Y'see, like sometimes bad things happen to good people. Now it's not cause i'm not omnipotent, I mean how silly, I'm the Emperor of Space, I have like this huge throne made of solid gold. And it's not cause I don't love all you little puny subjects of mine. Cause I totally do. You guys are the best. 
So uh... It's a test. Yeah. A test. It's a test of your faithiness and stuff.
And like kid, you are totally passing!
So like when you die, probablly painfully on a spit being roasted in warpfire and eaten by a space Demon DON'T PANIC! Cause like you'll go straight to Space Heaven and there will be like a million virgins and an X Box waiting for you!
So everybody keep saying your Space Prayers, keep paying your tithes, keep going to Space Church and keep reporting your neighbors for suspected psy activity (yum! yum!).
Your Deity
Teh Space Emporer of Space
Warlord Gazghkull Thraka wrote:------------------------------------
Oi! 'oomie Emperer! Why's ya just sit in dat toilet like a wimp? If ya so god emperer-ish can't ya just make da noggins of ya eneimies go "ka-blaaamo"? So have a go at it, a dead git! Just soo ya know I stole ya transmi- trans- tra- talky channel!
Goth Nob Guk Scarfinga
Hey you there! With the hat!
No not you! the other guy with the other hat!
Yeah you!
I need you get me one of those guys who does assassinations, waddya call 'em? Yeah Assassins, I need one of those guys.
No not the chick, not the psycho with the skull for a head, not the other psycho with the other skull for a head, I want the other one, with the gun.
Yes I know they all have guns, I mean the one with the big gun. Snipey McSnipersonor whatever he's called. Tell him I need him to go kill Goth Nob something or the other.
No I don't know what planet he's on, that's what I keep you guys around for. Go tell Shootey O'Guns I need him to pop the head of the ork who talks funny and has a silly name. Get to it! Chop-chop!
You there, Flying Skull Thing, you writing all this down? Good.
See that's how a many ruler of a Spacial Empire of Space rules Space!
The Big E
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Honey,
I just saw the new codex and I want you to know I'm not angry.
I'm not upset.
I'm just very disappointed.
I mean you know I need a new codex. Just the other day I was out cleansing the galaxy of filth and vacuming up all the heresy when I had to check that rule on me resurrecting myself, I can never remember if I can resurrect from Instant Death or not. Well my codex was practically falling apart so i decded to treat myself to a nice new one at the local Galactic Wargear ( GW) Shop. Well what happens when I get there? The shopkeeper tells me my codex, MY CODEX, is out of print and if I want one I have to go to the Worlds Wide Webway.
Honey, I can't believe you would want your girlfriend to soil her hands with some Space Elfen technology just to get a copy of her own codex.
Now I know you're busy sitting on your chair, talking to those flying skull things and whatever else it is you do. And I know it's hard what with 994 chapters calling you every day demanding they get their own codexes. But really, surely you can just take a few minutes to update your girlfriend's codex WHICH IS OLDER THAN CALGAR'S UNDERSHORTS!
Please?
Love,
St Celestine
Hieromartyr of the Palentine Crusade
(Your GIRLFRIEND!)
PS Honey why don't we get away for a few days? I know the nicest spa on Vega V awhere they do these great rejuvinating mudbaths and let's face it your skin could use some moisture.
PPS LUV YOU!
XXXOOOXXX!
25727
Post by: Darkvoidof40k
--------------------------------------------------------------------delete. All this mass post editing is strange. 
518
Post by: Kid_Kyoto
I'm holding my place while I rewrite my reply.
EDIT - all done, ignore these 2 posts
4395
Post by: Deadshane1
Dear Sweetie,
Done, Mr. Jervis Johnson is working on your book right now.
Love,
Yo Space Daddy
......................................................................
Dear Spaize Emp,
I'm really happy for you and I'ma let you finish, but....
Draigo is the best Special Character of all time!
-Kanye
518
Post by: Kid_Kyoto
Deadshane1 wrote:
Dear Spaize Emp,
I'm really happy for you and I'ma let you finish, but....
Draigo is the best Special Character of all time!
-Kanye
I dunno, I mean I like the guy and stuff, but geeze does he have to show off ALL THE TIME? I mean I'm getting calls from Marneus every day and he's crying and weeping and wishing he could be Draigo and then Logan calls me up all drunk and beligerant about how he's supposed to be the best and Dante won't even take my calls these days, and after I gave him all that cool stuff too. And don't even get me started on Mortarian! I mean the kid doesn't call forever and now he's whinning about Draigo messing up his garden and writing him name somewhere... I mean I'm a busy Space Emperor, I don't have time for this crap.
So yeah, the guy's cool and all that but he might be more trouble than he's worth.
Big Daddy E
PS, speak of the devil...
=============================================================
Yo E Meister! I just wanted to say you are the most RIGHTOUS DUDE in the WHOLE UNIVERSE!
I mean I just realized that like if my my number one HOMBRE Crowe are in an army we can like have PURIFIER PALADINS TO THE MAX! I'm talking S8 psycannons out the BUTT and melee? FURGETABOUTIT!
So like I rang up my amigos and was all like YO! Big party on TITAN to celebrate! Cause like it's not everyday a Space Marine chapter gets a codex, something like that only happens like, twice a year!
But like Marneus said he was busy punching Avatars that day, and like Dante said he was playing Poker with the Necrons, and Logan said he was washing his hair and Azrael was like washing his dress or something. Just kidding man! I love the Dark Angels! But what's up with those midgets they hang out with? ANyway the only Amigo who could make it was Helbrecht and I dunno that guys like a major buzzkill, all he ever talks about is having the scouts polish his rod or light his candles.
Now maybe I'm just being a bit paranoid but do you think maybe the Amigos are like, avoiding me for some reason? But why? Everyone knows I rock harder than any Space Marine EVAH? You'd think all those guys would love to hang out with me and my SUPER COOL BROs in our chilling Fortress Monestary.
Wierd huh?
But you're coming right? It ain't a fiesta without the MAIN MAN amIright?
Draigo!
41446
Post by: TheWildHost
Dear Draigo
Uhmmm Well I think that the day your codex comes out i have a nephews birthday party and like family first right???
The Amazing Gawd Emprah
PS:Your Lucky We dont nurf your Psi Cannons to Str 3 because me and some of the other guys talked about it!
---------------------
Dear Half Dead Human Emporer
We are coming for your land raiders Muhahahahahahaah!
- Fugan the dude with the hot axe and pimping lance
15776
Post by: Space Marine
Dear Half Dead Human Emporer
We are coming for your land raiders Muhahahahahahaah!
- Fugan the dude with the hot axe and pimping lance
Dear the dude with the hot axe and pimping lance
You are welcome to come try. I believe there busy raiding your land. Muhahahahahah!
-The person standing in for the Emperor after he died from doing to many Muhahahahaha!'s
====================================================
Dear the False Emperor
How can you corrupt the Grey Knights?
-Someone who does not want to corrupt the Knights.
26852
Post by: Warlord Gazghkull Thraka
Space Marine wrote:
Dear the False Emperor
How can you corrupt the Grey Knights?
-Someone who does not want to corrupt the Knights.
Because I can. Now I suggest you get your heretical ass back to the Eye of Terror before the Grey Knights come after ya. - Teh Spess Emprah! ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Dear Emperor, What 80's song/ band is your favorite? - TheCellarDweller123
518
Post by: Kid_Kyoto
Dear Emperor,
What 80's song/ band is your favorite?
- TheCellarDweller123
Dear Dweller of the Cellar,
Well since it's only the 41st millennium I'm afraid it will be a good 40,000 years before we get to hear what 80th millennium music is like so I have to pass. Gotta tell you though the way things are going it might end up sounding like Tyranid mating calls.
Yours,
Teh E
------------------------------------------------
Dear the Space Emperor
My master, I have a customer service issue I need your help on. Recently I ordered a set of terminator armor from the adeptus mechanicus' Galactic Wargear ( GW) and after an unreasonably long delay I finally got it. But instead of being made of sturdy metal my terminator is made of some sort of light weight resin-plastic blend.
I asked about it and they said it was a revolutionary new process called Failcast or Finecost or something like that.
While the details on it are much sharper than my buddy's metal armor there are air bubbles in the breastplate and half the storm bolter is missing. Also my new Force Staff is bent, I tried running it under hot water and bending it back but it just went back into its old bent shape.
Do you think I should ask for a refund?
Yours
Librarian on Ultramar
17923
Post by: Asherian Command
Kid_Kyoto wrote:
Dear the Space Emperor
My master, I have a customer service issue I need your help on. Recently I ordered a set of terminator armor from the adeptus mechanicus' Galactic Wargear (GW) and after an unreasonably long delay I finally got it. But instead of being made of sturdy metal my terminator is made of some sort of light weight resin-plastic blend.
I asked about it and they said it was a revolutionary new process called Failcast or Finecost or something like that.
While the details on it are much sharper than my buddy's metal armor there are air bubbles in the breastplate and half the storm bolter is missing. Also my new Force Staff is bent, I tried running it under hot water and bending it back but it just went back into its old bent shape.
Do you think I should ask for a refund?
Yours
Librarian on Ultramar
Sorry but this Line has been Disconnected Please Try Again.
Astropath Matt Ward.
518
Post by: Kid_Kyoto
(psst, you need to ask a question too)
26852
Post by: Warlord Gazghkull Thraka
Asherian Command wrote:
Sorry but this Line has been Disconnected Please Try Again.
Astropath Matt Ward.
I so sigged that.
17923
Post by: Asherian Command
Dear Space Emperor,
My name is Lord Hunter, i am stuck in some sort of time rift as some sparkling daemons have been chasing one of my squads of sisters of battle. We are wondering what could kill this nonattractive humanoid sparkly teethed mutants? Thus far I have lost an entire sisters of battle squad to these mutants!
Sincerely,
Inquisitor Lord Hunter.
26852
Post by: Warlord Gazghkull Thraka
Asherian Command wrote:Dear Space Emperor,
My name is Lord Hunter, i am stuck in some sort of time rift as some sparkling daemons have been chasing one of my squads of sisters of battle. We are wondering what could kill this nonattractive humanoid sparkly teethed mutants? Thus far I have lost an entire sisters of battle squad to these mutants!
Sincerely,
Inquisitor Lord Hunter.
Well, you see, they are a abomination called "Twilight Vampires" take all it takes to destroy these dumb asses whom have made vampires look like pansies.
The Emp.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Emperor,
I was wondering if you wanted to join The Greater Good!
It'll be all sunshine and happiness!
Sincerely,
Sha'sho Happy Face
25727
Post by: Darkvoidof40k
Dear Emperor,
I was wondering if you wanted to join The Greater Good!
It'll be all sunshine and happiness!
Sincerely,
Sha'sho Happy Face
Dear Sha'sho Happy Face,
Please note the second Damocles Gulf Crusade headed in your direction. Thank you.
Sincerely,
Thy Most Disgusted Emperor
41903
Post by: lord commissar klimino
dear emperor,
my friend recently joined chaos,and is trying to get me to join to.what should i do?-sincerely,a dude who is confused
41446
Post by: TheWildHost
lord commissar klimino wrote:dear emperor,
my friend recently joined chaos,and is trying to get me to join to.what should i do?
-sincerely,a dude who is confused
Dear a dude who is confused,
A bolter round to the forhead works,for that matter a bolt round works... Most weapons in fact work. Depends on his armor, is he a terminator, a normal marine, or is he already a spawn(If so just point and life while he chases you, they don't live long) try to get a high powered weapon, a lascannon, plasma gun, or a melta work VERY well. You know what, do all of the above then Punch the molten slag and dust that is left.
- The Emprah Of man who HATES chaotic chaosness
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Emprah,
What is your favorite special weapon that can be used by tactical sqaud, and how do you counter sqaud weapon.
- A uhhhm Eld- I mean Tactical marine
41903
Post by: lord commissar klimino
TheWildHost wrote:
Dear Emprah,
What is your favorite special weapon that can be used by tactical sqaud, and how do you counter sqaud weapon.
- A uhhhm Eld- I mean Tactical marine
dear mr uhhhm eld,
firstly change your name,it doesent sound right.
i would have to say the heavy bolter. and you counter it with another heavy bolter or a bigger gun. but this makes your job easy uhhm if you fight eldar as they cant counter you.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
dear emporer,
i recently got a pet snotling,and i want to know. should i feed him vegetables,or meat?
sincerely,lil kid.
26852
Post by: Warlord Gazghkull Thraka
lord commissar klimino wrote:
dear emporer,
i recently got a pet snotling,and i want to know. should i feed him vegetables,or meat?
sincerely,lil kid.
Well, little kid,
I say.... KILL IT.
It's a xenos!
hope this helps,
The Chuck Norris of Space.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear emperor,
Is your refrigerator running?
sincerely, A Stoned Dude
44287
Post by: Reisen-tanith
Dear emperor,
Is your refrigerator running?
sincerely, A Stoned Dude
To the dude of stones
Yes my refrigerator is running at top capacity oversaw by some of the mechanics finest enginseers and blessed by myself.
It will never stop running till the next model comes out.
Sincerly,
your God emperor
Dear Mighty Emperor on Earth,
What is the best way to start a strongly worded message to a merchent who has wronged you?
Your loyal servent,
Rogue
518
Post by: Kid_Kyoto
Dear Mighty Emperor on Earth,
What is the best way to start a strongly worded message to a merchent who has wronged you?
Your loyal servent,
Rogue
Usually I have it written in 100% pure nun's blood on the nose of an exterminus torpedo.
Big E
------------------------------------------------
Whoa! DUDE! Big E what's up with this?
So like I just wanna be clear, I LOVE my codex. It's like the most awesome EXTREME radical codex EVAH. I like put it on the pillow next to me when I sleep for my 2 hours a day so it's a last thing I see when I go to sleep and the first thing I see when i wake up.
But like the other day I was doing barrel rolls in my Storm Raven and buzzing the Fang, y'know no big thing, and like I had the codex on the seat next to me and like when I rolled over it fell open.
Now course I love my codex but I never really looked at those puny human pages, I mean why bother right? If they were any good they'd be Space Marines y'know. But this time it fell open to one of the puny human pages and I looked at it and I was all like WHOA!
I mean seriously?
Monkeys? There's dirty filthy poo-throwing monkeys in my codex?
Dude tell me this is a joke or something cause Big D don't hang with no monkeys!
Huh, I'm big D and you're Big E, never noticed that before. Whoa.
Sincerelly,
Kaldor Draigo
Most Excellent and Supreme Grand Master of the Grey Knights
26852
Post by: Warlord Gazghkull Thraka
Kid_Kyoto wrote:
------------------------------------------------
Whoa! DUDE! Big E what's up with this?
So like I just wanna be clear, I LOVE my codex. It's like the most awesome EXTREME radical codex EVAH. I like put it on the pillow next to me when I sleep for my 2 hours a day so it's a last thing I see when I go to sleep and the first thing I see when i wake up.
But like the other day I was doing barrel rolls in my Storm Raven and buzzing the Fang, y'know no big thing, and like I had the codex on the seat next to me and like when I rolled over it fell open.
Now course I love my codex but I never really looked at those puny human pages, I mean why bother right? If they were any good they'd be Space Marines y'know. But this time it fell open to one of the puny human pages and I looked at it and I was all like WHOA!
I mean seriously?
Monkeys? There's dirty filthy poo-throwing monkeys in my codex?
Dude tell me this is a joke or something cause Big D don't hang with no monkeys!
Huh, I'm big D and you're Big E, never noticed that before. Whoa.
Sincerelly,
Kaldor Draigo
Most Excellent and Supreme Grand Master of the Grey Knights
Well, man, I'm sorry, but it ain't no joke. And I hope you didn't send that pic to the SPCA, because they still be giving me gak for having them two headed eagles.
The E
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Emperor,
What do you think of the conspiracy of the Machine God being a C'tan?
Sincerely, a Tech-Magos
44287
Post by: Reisen-tanith
Dear Emperor,
What do you think of the conspiracy of the Machine God being a C'tan?
Sincerely, a Tech-Magos
---- Message forwarded to General Commisaar From "The Big E On Terra"--------
Heresy!
(enclosed is a bolt pistol round)
Please find the nearest commisaar, give him this and repeat the question to him/her.
Thank you for doing your civic duty of removing your trecherous self
Signed
Comisaar General
Ps
I dont know about that, but there are instances of misIdentity of their silent killers and emboidiments of your god.
It is no more than a Xenos trick to sway you from the true path.
Yes the threat of the Xenos are every where... (rant continues for 10 more pages)
(forgot a question)
Dear Dad,
its me your son Horus, you know the one who you killed...
I've done it I've created a realm allmost rivaling yours,
Sure it dissolved to infighting but you have recognized it as a threat right,
thats gotta count for something right,
are you proud of my acomplishments
are you?
Your son Horus
Ps tell mom and my brothers I said hi and HA!
37790
Post by: Hlaine Larkin mk2
Reisen-tanith wrote:Dear Dad,
its me your son Horus, you know the one who you killed...
I've done it I've created a realm allmost rivaling yours,
Sure it dissolved to infighting but you have recognized it as a threat right,
thats gotta count for something right,
are you proud of my acomplishments
are you?
Your son Horus
Ps tell mom and my brothers I said hi and HA!
To be honest son I'm dissapointed, you took both my bloody arms off!! And your body got destroyed casue you had failbaddon as your left hand man. And your love for Erebus lead you astray in many different ways, to be frank im deeply deeply dissapointed.
Your dad
_______________________
Dear Emperor
Why oh why has for 10,000 years has the Imperial Gaurd been under equipped and used as cannon fodder, i mean the Lasgun is reliable but its rubbish compared to a bolter, built them with stocks and issue them! And have a carapace armour as standard or even power amour as well so we can properly hold onto this galaxy. And re-instate the Imperial Army, the infighting is killing us, and please please please please please remove the current limit upon available SPace Marines, i mean you let that bloody ponce call all the shots and he was at best 4th in line, 2nd after the heresy.
Yours Sincerly
Warmaster Macaroth
26852
Post by: Warlord Gazghkull Thraka
Hlaine Larkin mk2 wrote:
Dear Emperor
Why oh why has for 10,000 years has the Imperial Gaurd been under equipped and used as cannon fodder, i mean the Lasgun is reliable but its rubbish compared to a bolter, built them with stocks and issue them! And have a carapace armour as standard or even power amour as well so we can properly hold onto this galaxy. And re-instate the Imperial Army, the infighting is killing us, and please please please please please remove the current limit upon available SPace Marines, i mean you let that bloody ponce call all the shots and he was at best 4th in line, 2nd after the heresy.
Yours Sincerly
Warmaster Macaroth
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hello, my faithful Servant Macaroth,
I do realise that you have all of these problems, but we simply dont have the money right now, and I like my Space Marines better than you, an, hey, you guys are expendable!
Ooops, did I say that out loud?
yours truly,
THE EMP.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Emperor,
I was wondering why The Salamander chapter gets to have a family and retire?!?!?!
This goes completely against The Codex Astartes!
Sincerely,
A Raging Ultra-Smurf
41903
Post by: lord commissar klimino
Warlord Gazghkull Thraka wrote:Dear Emperor,
I was wondering why The Salamander chapter gets to have a family and retire?!?!?!
This goes completely against The Codex Astartes!
Sincerely,
A Raging Ultra-Smurf
dear ultra smurf,
well you see...ummm....im your emporer and your god,i dont need reasons,you are now to be executed for questioning my logic.
sencerly,your devine ruler.
--------------------------------------------------
dear emporer,
i recently was on a going grocrey shopping and was saved by a tau stealth team.they had no reason to save me but went out of their way to shoot those eldar. so if they are so nice,why do you say they are evil?
sencerly,a civilian of *hidden name*
26852
Post by: Warlord Gazghkull Thraka
lord commissar klimino wrote:
dear emporer,
i recently was on a going grocrey shopping and was saved by a tau stealth team.they had no reason to save me but went out of their way to shoot those eldar. so if they are so nice,why do you say they are evil?
sencerly,a civilian of *hidden name*
Well, *hidden name*, Yes, they are. Why, you may ask? Because they are aliens! that is all. The Emp. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Dear E, I was wondering if I could get ya some Beer and Pie, since I'm going to the Pub anyways. Sincerely, Rogue Trader Bob.
44287
Post by: Reisen-tanith
Warlord Gazghkull Thraka wrote:
Dear E,
I was wondering if I could get ya some Beer and Pie, since I'm going to the Pub anyways.
Sincerely,
Rogue Trader Bob.
Dear Rogue Trader Bob
Sure, dont forget to buy chips for the 39kth Poker torny this weekend.
Remember, no Apple, Im alergic you know.
Sincerly The Big E
--------Message found in Iron safe beneath the holy palace--------
Dear who ever finds it,
I the current ruler of the empire at the time have left this message to future generations to ask the question,
Did you get rid of the chaos gods yet, or at least removed the chaos moon from earths orbit yet?
Just write the answer down and I will recive it through the winds of magic.
Sincerly
Emporer Karl Franiz of the Empire
37790
Post by: Hlaine Larkin mk2
Reisen-tanith wrote:
Dear who ever finds it,
I the current ruler of the empire at the time have left this message to future generations to ask the question,
Did you get rid of the chaos gods yet, or at least removed the chaos moon from earths orbit yet?
Just write the answer down and I will recive it through the winds of magic.
Sincerly
Emporer Karl Franiz of the Empire
Dear emperor Karl Franz
MESSAGE PURGED unclean chaos magic creted this
Signed
The Ordos Hereticus
___________________________________________________
Dear Emperor
Is it true that its actually Sanguinus fuelling the golden throne or is it another crackpot conspiricy theory
Signed
a very jealous Abbadon
44287
Post by: Reisen-tanith
Hlaine Larkin mk2 wrote:Reisen-tanith wrote:
Dear who ever finds it,
I the current ruler of the empire at the time have left this message to future generations to ask the question,
Did you get rid of the chaos gods yet, or at least removed the chaos moon from earths orbit yet?
Just write the answer down and I will recive it through the winds of magic.
Sincerly
Emporer Karl Franiz of the Empire
Dear emperor Karl Franz
MESSAGE PURGED unclean chaos magic creted this
Signed
The Ordos Hereticus
Dang thought the would have worked.
Dear Emperor
Is it true that its actually Sanguinus fuelling the golden throne or is it another crackpot conspiricy theory
Signed
a very jealous Abbadon
Dear possible clone of my dilinquit son
What? Ive never heard of this, Im pretty sure its the souls of Heritics that fuel my golden throne.
Though to be honest, I havent checked , seeing as I am basicly Wired into this thing.
Though I sincerly doubt that as much as I doubt the crazed rumors of the Dark angels having turned Half to Chaos
Ha Ha Ha
Sincerly,
The God Emperor
-------------------------------------------------
Dear Recipiant
Our greetings come to you, our helpful friend, We hope that on your grace we can depend.
To share with you good fortune is our need, One hundred percent Sactioned, guaranteed! -
To pay our Planets's debts we have a stash, Of thirty million credits all in cash;
But it appears the Ministorium, Will not accept transfers from our segmentium.
To transfer this Alterrian amount, We ask the details of your bank account.
Through your account the money we will send, Then ten percent is yours to keep and spend.
From: financeminister@finance.gov.at
41046
Post by: Kasrkai
Reisen-tanith wrote:
Dear Recipiant
Our greetings come to you, our helpful friend, We hope that on your grace we can depend.
To share with you good fortune is our need, One hundred percent Sactioned, guaranteed! -
To pay our Planets's debts we have a stash, Of thirty million credits all in cash;
But it appears the Ministorium, Will not accept transfers from our segmentium.
To transfer this Alterrian amount, We ask the details of your bank account.
Through your account the money we will send, Then ten percent is yours to keep and spend.
From: financeminister@finance.gov.at
Dear Finance Minister:
I'm getting sick these fake accounting calls trying to steal my bank accounts.
Teh Space Emporer.
AKA: Go away. Far away.
41903
Post by: lord commissar klimino
dear emprah,
ive found a way to wake you and let you get off that golden throne stronger than ever...but you must give my 50% of your kingdom.deal?
a powerful dude.
44287
Post by: Reisen-tanith
Dear a powerfull but far less power full than me dude,
If you have this secrete and wish to barter for it, then I will give you your life, I will track you down and subject you to the most painfull tortures the Inquisition have at their disposal. You are trying to barter with the God Emperor, not a smart idea.
Sincerly,
Your god emperor
Dear emperor,
have any STC found, Produced any non usefull objects,
If so what did they make.
Yours truly
a Mechanus Adept
518
Post by: Kid_Kyoto
Reisen-tanith wrote:
Dear emperor,
have any STC found, Produced any non usefull objects,
If so what did they make.
Yours truly
a Mechanus Adept
Well Mr Adept (a bit full of ourselves aren't we now) you see when I invented the STCs (yup, I invented them, me, Who the Omnissah? Oh yeah) they were to product anything colonists might need, from tractors to wind generators, to lasguns to sporks.
Stricktly speaking every item in the STC portfolio was useful, none were useless.
Now naturally if you were colonizing a tropical world the files on how to make snowmobiles might not be immediately useful and I doubt the ice world colonists made much use of my super-efficient bicycle design but they might have taken some comfort in knowing it was there.
Y'know seems like ages since I've seen an STC, you guys don't have any lying around do you?
The Omnissiah of Omniscience
Me
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
My Omniscient Omnissiahical Overlord
Recently while studying ancient texts I happened upon a lost design for a weapon so potent it will surely allow us to finally smite our hated foes, everyone.
It's a gattling belt-fed rocket-propelled chain-fist launcher that can fire 4 AP1, 2d6 penetrating S8 chain-fists a turn! Even in the hands of mere guardsmen it can turn a landraider into scrap in just one burst!
However when I went to register it with the Adeptus Mechanicus Ordro of Stuff Naming I ran into a problem. My desired name, THE NEMESIS DOOMFIST had already been taken.
Undeterred I suggested instead we call it THE DOOMSDAY CANNON. But that was taken.
So I suggested the BLOOD CLAW but that was taken. So was the BLOOD FIST, GODHAMMER and DEATHSTRIKE.
Several hours later I left dejected, all of my names were taken and without a proper GRIMDARK name I know no one will be interested in my gattling chain-fist launcher.
So I turn to you, Emperor the All-Knowing. Are there any GRIMDARK names left that haven't been taken?
Yours
Tech Priest Alpha-43-Q-Acorn-VII-Bob
41046
Post by: Kasrkai
Kid_Kyoto wrote:Reisen-tanith wrote:
Dear emperor,
have any STC found, Produced any non usefull objects,
If so what did they make.
Yours truly
a Mechanus Adept
Well Mr Adept (a bit full of ourselves aren't we now) you see when I invented the STCs (yup, I invented them, me, Who the Omnissah? Oh yeah) they were to product anything colonists might need, from tractors to wind generators, to lasguns to sporks.
Stricktly speaking every item in the STC portfolio was useful, none were useless.
Now naturally if you were colonizing a tropical world the files on how to make snowmobiles might not be immediately useful and I doubt the ice world colonists made much use of my super-efficient bicycle design but they might have taken some comfort in knowing it was there.
Y'know seems like ages since I've seen an STC, you guys don't have any lying around do you?
The Omnissiah of Omniscience
Me
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
My Omniscient Omnissiahical Overlord
Recently while studying ancient texts I happened upon a lost design for a weapon so potent it will surely allow us to finally smite our hated foes, everyone.
It's a gattling belt-fed rocket-propelled chain-fist launcher that can fire 4 AP1, 2d6 penetrating S8 chain-fists a turn! Even in the hands of mere guardsmen it can turn a landraider into scrap in just one burst!
However when I went to register it with the Adeptus Mechanicus Ordro of Stuff Naming I ran into a problem. My desired name, THE NEMESIS DOOMFIST had already been taken.
Undeterred I suggested instead we call it THE DOOMSDAY CANNON. But that was taken.
So I suggested the BLOOD CLAW but that was taken. So was the BLOOD FIST, GODHAMMER and DEATHSTRIKE.
Several hours later I left dejected, all of my names were taken and without a proper GRIMDARK name I know no one will be interested in my gattling chain-fist launcher.
So I turn to you, Emperor the All-Knowing. Are there any GRIMDARK names left that haven't been taken?
Yours
Tech Priest Alpha-43-Q-Acorn-VII-Bob
Dear Priest:
The Auros Magnum
The Emperor. [Yes, all knowing].
44688
Post by: TrollPie
Dear Emporer,
Why do you never answer my phone calls?
Your humble servant,
Horus
41046
Post by: Kasrkai
TrollPie wrote:Dear Emporer,
Why do you never answer my phone calls?
Your humble servant,
Horus
Horus.
I got a big chair for fathers day from you.
The Emperor.
44287
Post by: Reisen-tanith
Kasrkai wrote:TrollPie wrote:Dear Emporer,
Why do you never answer my phone calls?
Your humble servant,
Horus
Horus.
I got a big chair for fathers day from you.
The Emperor.
(that was great )
To da Humie Big god
Whatz Iz Up with Youz sending A massive Mob of Humies every Time wez goez on vacation, True Da boyz love it, but dey keep gettin stomed, We just wants to showz off our gargants and stompas to you lot,
Sincerlly
WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHGGGGGGGGGGGG!!!
Dave
25727
Post by: Darkvoidof40k
Reisen-tanith wrote:Kasrkai wrote:TrollPie wrote:Dear Emporer,
Why do you never answer my phone calls?
Your humble servant,
Horus
Horus.
I got a big chair for fathers day from you.
The Emperor.
(that was great )
To da Humie Big god
Whatz Iz Up with Youz sending A massive Mob of Humies every Time wez goez on vacation, True Da boyz love it, but dey keep gettin stomed, We just wants to showz off our gargants and stompas to you lot,
Sincerlly
WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHGGGGGGGGGGGG!!!
Dave
Dear WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHGGGGGGGGGGGG!!! Dave
Kill the Heretic! Burn the mutant! Purge the unclean!
Orks fall under the unclean catagory.
Sincerely, "da Humie Big god"
41903
Post by: lord commissar klimino
dear almighty "god"
im not buying it.your in a fething chair unable to move. the only power you have comes from the fact 90% of humans are idiots.so tell me,how did you get so many to follow you?
"sincerely",me.
25727
Post by: Darkvoidof40k
lord commissar klimino wrote:dear almighty "god"
im not buying it.your in a fething chair unable to move. the only power you have comes from the fact 90% of humans are idiots.so tell me,how did you get so many to follow you?
"sincerely",me.
Dear me,
I died to save the entirety of humanity. No biggie, sorry to disappoint, I 'spose it wasn't all that worthy of God-ship. Nor is having lived for thousands and thousands of years - before even Jesus.
I 'spose being the most powerful human that ever lived isn't important to.
And powering the Astronomican whilst fighting Daemons in the warp with my mind is of no consequence either.
Sincerely, thy immortal Emperor.
P.S. I never actually wanted to be worshipped as a God. But sh*t happens, y'know?
44688
Post by: TrollPie
Dear Foolish Mon-Keigh,
What the hell was up with that whole heresy thing? I told Fulgrim very clearly that Horus would betray you, and he promised to pass on the message. Seriously, everyone I've helped so far has turned out great, but that little poof of yours just ignores me.
Sincerely,
Eldrad
25727
Post by: Darkvoidof40k
TrollPie wrote:Dear Foolish Mon-Keigh,
What the hell was up with that whole heresy thing? I told Fulgrim very clearly that Horus would betray you, and he promised to pass on the message. Seriously, everyone I've helped so far has turned out great, but that little poof of yours just ignores me.
Sincerely,
Eldrad
Dear Eldrad, Yeah, sorry, my bad. But if you think that little incident was bad, you should've seen be in my pubescant years! Heh. Heh heh. Hehehehehe.  Sincerely, the guy on the crapper. --- Dear Big E, Yo dawg, I heard you like being Space Emprah and sitting on the toilet so I put Space Emprah on your toilet so you can be a Space Emprah whilst you sit on the toilet and I put toilet on your Space Emprah so you can be on the toilet whilst being a Space Emprah. Sincerely, that guy from the memes.
26852
Post by: Warlord Gazghkull Thraka
Darkvoidof40k wrote:
Dear Big E,
Yo dawg, I heard you like being Space Emprah and sitting on the toilet so I put Space Emprah on your toilet so you can be a Space Emprah whilst you sit on the toilet and I put toilet on your Space Emprah so you can be on the toilet whilst being a Space Emprah.
Sincerely, that guy from the memes.
Why thank you, "guy from the memes".
Now I kill you because I can't understand you.
The Space Emprah.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------_---------
Dear Human Emperor,
I wish to inform you that your empire is dieing, much like ours.
We want to help you!
Please except this offer!
Sincerely, Farseer J'laet
29878
Post by: Chowderhead
Warlord Gazghkull Thraka wrote:
Dear Human Emperor,
I wish to inform you that your empire is dieing, much like ours.
We want to help you!
Please except this offer!
Sincerely, Farseer J'laet
EMPIRE DYING? Ha! You puny Eldar and your silly "Extinction". We humans will laugh as you all die, your souls going to that she-thing you call She who Thirsts!
Anyway, a nice team of our friendliest chapter, the Flesh Tearers, are on their way as we speak to say hi.
------------------------------
Dear Mr. Emperor,
Sadly, we have to inform you that your "Cat Fancy" subscription has run out.
You have been with this magazine for: 38,000 Years; and we would not like a reader such as yourself to miss our amazing cats!
Please put your Credit Chit information on the card attached, and you will be getting your next 12 issues of Cat Fancy with a free gift!
25727
Post by: Darkvoidof40k
Chowderhead wrote:
Dear Mr. Emperor,
Sadly, we have to inform you that your "Cat Fancy" subscription has run out.
You have been with this magazine for: 38,000 Years; and we would not like a reader such as yourself to miss our amazing cats!
Please put your Credit Chit information on the card attached, and you will be getting your next 12 issues of Cat Fancy with a free gift!
Dear unnamed magazine seller,
I see that the free gift is a limited-edition Darkokitten, I will definitely be renewing my subscription for that alone! It shall be my most prized possession.
Sincerely, a very exicted Emprahhh.
--
Dear Space Emperor,
Meow, your limited-edition Darkokitten and Cat Fancy issues have arrived. Congratulations! Meow, Meow, Meow, MEOW MEOW MEOW.
Yours felinely, Darkvoidof40k.
41046
Post by: Kasrkai
Darkvoidof40k wrote:Chowderhead wrote:
Dear Mr. Emperor,
Sadly, we have to inform you that your "Cat Fancy" subscription has run out.
You have been with this magazine for: 38,000 Years; and we would not like a reader such as yourself to miss our amazing cats!
Please put your Credit Chit information on the card attached, and you will be getting your next 12 issues of Cat Fancy with a free gift!
Dear unnamed magazine seller,
I see that the free gift is a limited-edition Darkokitten, I will definitely be renewing my subscription for that alone! It shall be my most prized possession.
Sincerely, a very exicted Emprahhh.
--
Dear Space Emperor,
Meow, your limited-edition Darkokitten and Cat Fancy issues have arrived. Congratulations! Meow, Meow, Meow, MEOW MEOW MEOW.
Yours felinely, Darkvoidof40k.
Dear feliney Darkvoidof40k:
I made SPACE WOLVES for a reason...
Sincerely: Big E.
518
Post by: Kid_Kyoto
(just a reminder here, it's supposed to be answer+new question, not just an answer)
Dear Wolf Daddy E,
So like I've been serving you for like 10,000 years, which is 70,000 in dog years y'know! (That's a little joke)
And I ain't gonna complain or nothing I've had a good run but there's one thing.
Do I really have to look like an angry washing machine?
This is kind of embarassing but last week some of the blood claws tried to jam their dirty underwear into my sargophogis! Whoa! This is not the way to wake up from a century of sleep let me tell you!
Now I know you've got your own issues what with looking like Skeletor and sitting on a cold metal chair all day but I was wondering if maybe you couldn't get me one of those sexy, sexy Contemptor bodies?
Just picture this, me strutting across the battlefield with my long legs, actually having hands that can pick stuff up and guns that can traverse...
Oh please, just this one little thing for me?
Please?
Your pal
Bjorn the Left Handed
46059
Post by: rockerbikie
Dear Emperor,
May you please help us to stop the Beastmen from Fantasy from assaulting my Woods
From Lord,
rockerbikie.
40392
Post by: thenoobbomb
rockerbikie wrote:
Dear Emperor,
May you please help us to stop the Beastmen from Fantasy from assaulting my Woods
From Lord,
rockerbikie.
No. Wood Elves are pansies and are like Eldar.
Dear Emperor,
Can you please kill Slaanesh for me?
Your honoured servant,
thenoobbomb.
46059
Post by: rockerbikie
thenoobbomb wrote:rockerbikie wrote:
Dear Emperor,
May you please help us to stop the Beastmen from Fantasy from assaulting my Woods
From Lord,
rockerbikie.
No. Wood Elves are pansies and are like Eldar.
Dear Emperor,
Can you please kill Slaanesh for me?
Your honoured servant,
thenoobbomb.
No. It would be too boring without him.
Dear Emperor.
Can I have annul leave and a nice Holiday?
From Blood Claw,
Rockerbikie
40392
Post by: thenoobbomb
Dear Emperor.
Can I have annul leave and a nice Holiday?
From Blood Claw,
Rockerbikie
__________________
No. Because you are a speez mahriin! Purge Tyranids instead!
Your divine master and slave-lord,
the Emperor.
___________________
Dear Emperor,
Can you kill Matt Ward for me?
Best wishes,
A Matt Ward hater.
46059
Post by: rockerbikie
thenoobbomb wrote:Dear Emperor.
Can I have annul leave and a nice Holiday?
From Blood Claw,
Rockerbikie
__________________
No. Because you are a speez mahriin! Purge Tyranids instead!
Your divine master and slave-lord,
the Emperor.
___________________
Dear Emperor,
Can you kill Matt Ward for me?
Best wishes,
A Matt Ward hater.
Yes and I will enlist a better monkey next time.
The Emperor
Dear Emperor,
Can we meet each other and have a chat over a few beers?
From Blood Claw
Rockerbikie
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