If I wore a hat it would cover all of my luscious hair. And then that Cursed Orlando Bloom would win the "Best Hair in the Imperium Award" and we can't have that I mean last time I lost(To Fulgrim) I killed a whole Ork Waagh on Ullanor and was fired from my job.
Dear Teh Spam Emperor,
What do you eat? I mean personally I love raw meats and strong alcohol but that's just me.
Dear Lemon Russ,
I like to order pizza, but all the delivery boys die of shock when they see my shriveled body on the Golden Throne. Do you know how many servo skulls have been made from Dominos delivery boys? And as for your disgusting eating habits, I would say knock off the raw meat before you end up with E.coli or something, and sober up before you end up shooting yourself with your own bolter!
Sincerely,
The Emperor of Mankind
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Heigh-ho, Emperor,
We'd like you to guest star on The Muppet Show sometime! I think it would be nice to have a different kind of talent on the show, like instead of a singing or acting personality, to have a warrior/leader instead. Of course, we'd love it if you'd do a musical number or maybe tell jokes with Fozzie the Bear, but we can play it by ear. Maybe you can show Bunsen Honeydew how to make his own Space Marine, although it might not end well for poor Beaker...
All the best,
Kermit the Frog
What do you eat? I mean personally I love raw meats and strong alcohol but that's just me.
Your friend,
Lemon Russ
Lemon Russ? I don't have friends named Lemon.
Are you related my boy Leman? Where is ole Leman anyway, feel like I haven't seen him in ages.
Not too many friends at all these days, just me and the Zombified Corpse of Malcador the Sigillite.
And those guys with the gold hats. And the creepy flying babies, what's up with that anyway?
So generally Malcador eats brains, usually from the creepy flying babies. Me I get by on the low-cal diet of Psyker Souls, which I get catered in because I don't like to go out too much these days.
You Lord and Master
Teh
-------------------------------------------------------------
And while we're on the subject...
Dear Valued Customer,
As part of our customer service-focused outlook we would like to poll you on your preferences.
Do you prefer:
A-Asian cuisine
B-Latin cuisine
C-Mediterrainian Cuisine
D-African Cuisine
Do you prefer:
A-Girls
B-Boys
What is your reaction to our new Psykers With Zesty Flavorsause (TM)?
A- B- C- D-
Do you prefer you psykers:
A-Raw B-Rare
C-Medium
D-Well done
And finally do you have any other comments to help us improve our selection and service?
Your obedient servant,
Master Emero
Lord of the Black Ships
Chief Caterer of the Imperial Palace
I, the space Emporer of space video gaming, wouldn't stay where I am if I had no video games.
Was waiting to play Dawn of War 4 in God - Emporer - mode but sadly, it still didn't find its way to me...
So I keep myself entertained with reading that pile of gaming mags of games of the future ... did they really move on to more than 16 colors ?
Back to your original question, which games does your favorite video gamer of space play:
How about Pole Position, Choplifter , Star Gate , Vanguard , Solaris , Gorf , Beam Rider , Dark Chambers , Moon Patrol, Pitfall , or this lenghty title of "Quest for quintana roo" ?
No?
This entertainment system of mine also has 2 controller ports and I have 2 Joysticks, maybe I'll have my Custodes pick you up and we'll play ?
Best video gamer in space , also known as "Big E".
Venerated Glorious Leader of us all, Master of Mankind,
please stop sending reinforcements. Less than 1 m 2 per Trooper is a little bothersome.
By your will, could you also stop protecting ?
We got more summary executions to do than ammo and to make it worse, "the Emporer protects" works against us. We wasted tons of good ammo to no avail, cause you protect. Please dear Lord,
give us an chance to summary execute someone successfully. Please, just one.
Confused Commissar on Cantina VII. Attached to Imperial crusades 345, 368, 3977-4122 .
Venerated Glorious Leader of us all, Master of Mankind,
please stop sending reinforcements. Less than 1 m 2 per Trooper is a little bothersome.
By your will, could you also stop protecting ?
We got more summary executions to do than ammo and to make it worse, "the Emporer protects" works against us. We wasted tons of good ammo to no avail, cause you protect. Please dear Lord,
give us an chance to summary execute someone successfully. Please, just one.
Confused Commissar on Cantina VII. Attached to Imperial crusades 345, 368, 3977-4122 .
I can't just stop protecting. It's kind of a thing I do.
Also prepare for another fresh batch of troops that I definatly did not just sent just now.
With love (and conscripts)
The Amazing and Glorious Emperor of Mankind
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I am not Horus. I gutted Horus like a fish 10,000 years ago, now kindly stay where you are so my Custodes can lock on to your position. Prepare to be purged.
Can you kindly stop sending the Death Korps to fight alongside my comrades and I? They're so depressing and since we're fighting the forces of Nurgle things are depressing enough. These guys just keep charging the enemy, and even when they're at base they do nothing except for plot their own deaths. Can you send someone who's a little more upbeat?
You know I'm feeling especially kind today, so I will stop Death Korps reinforcements.
To replace with Angry Marines.
Have fun.
With love,
Empys
--------------------------------------------------------------------
To Mr. Emperor
Are you more fabulous than Fulgrim? Are you more mad than Angron? Are you more scary than Leman Russ? Are you harder than Dorn? Are you more cunning than Alpharius('s?)?
Are you the hero we wanted? Or the hero we needed?
Yes to all your questions. I am the Emperor. I am above all.
Regards,
Das Emp
---------------------------
Dear Emp,
Recently, I got a chair with an ottoman. Another member of my family got a chair, minus the ottoman.
Put them in the living room, with a side table between them, and they look great.
However, a couch will be coming in April, and there may not be enough space to have the couch, chair, chair with ottoman, side table, and TV in one room. I think the living room's dimensions are 10' by 15'. How can we arrange the living room so that everything fits? Please help if you can. If you need to, draw a diagram.
My favorite forum for posting is Dakka, and it should be yours too. If I catch word that you use any other forum you will be purged.
Regards,
Space Emperor
----------------------------------------------
Dear Space Emperor,
My neighbor has been acting a bit strange lately. He's always wearing dark robes, and he has some strange symbols tattooed all over his body. I mean, just last week he sacrificed my cat to someone named "Khorne". What should I do?
My neighbor has been acting a bit strange lately. He's always wearing dark robes, and he has some strange symbols tattooed all over his body. I mean, just last week he sacrificed my cat to someone named "Khorne". What should I do?
Regards,
Concerned Citizen
Dear Citizen,
I'm afraid your message is a bit vague, for example is your neighbor dressing in righteous puritanical robes such as those worn by the Red Redemption (love those guys) and the Most Holy Inquisition or is he wearing heretical robes such as those worn by the Servants of the Dark Ones of Whom We Hardly Ever Speak?
Or is he wearing frilly foo-foo robes like the Space Elfs?
You mentioned something about cat-killing, unfortunately that doesn't help since I really can't stand those beasts. Plus I mean, I eat the souls of like a thousand million billion psykers every day so it's not like one cat is going to upset me.
So I guess um... maybe?
So tell you what, go out and try and kill him. If you succeed then he was a heretic and my righteous fire was with you.
If you fail they he was righteous and you're a heretic for bothering me with this.
Yours,
Big E
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
My Immortal Master:
As you know March 8 is Intergalactic Ladies' Nite, but as we go out for our traditional celebration with two-for-one shots at Bennegan's
Let's stop and reflect on the true meaning of Intergalactic Ladies' Nite.
As you yourself once said "Ladies Hold Up Two-Fifths of the Sky, and They Would Totally Hold Up Half But For Their Proportionately Lower Upper Body Strength" yet ladies today are no where near 40% status.
Even after 38000 years women are still relegated to typical lady jobs such as Nuns with Guns, Bondage Ninjas and Smexy Dominatrix Commissars. For a while it seemed that the Inquisition's diversity program was opening up new opportunities for Ladies as Witch Hunting Inquisitors but that seems to have peetered out. When was the last time you saw a female Inquisitor anyway?
These days outside of Space Crusade you hardly see any Ladies at all in the grimdark.
What can we do to really fulfill the promise of Intergalactic Ladies' Nite?
As you know March 8 is Intergalactic Ladies' Nite, but as we go out for our traditional celebration with two-for-one shots at Bennegan's
Let's stop and reflect on the true meaning of Intergalactic Ladies' Nite.
As you yourself once said "Ladies Hold Up Two-Fifths of the Sky, and They Would Totally Hold Up Half But For Their Proportionately Lower Upper Body Strength" yet ladies today are no where near 40% status.
Even after 38000 years women are still relegated to typical lady jobs such as Nuns with Guns, Bondage Ninjas and Smexy Dominatrix Commissars. For a while it seemed that the Inquisition's diversity program was opening up new opportunities for Ladies as Witch Hunting Inquisitors but that seems to have peetered out. When was the last time you saw a female Inquisitor anyway?
These days outside of Space Crusade you hardly see any Ladies at all in the grimdark.
What can we do to really fulfill the promise of Intergalactic Ladies' Nite?
Yours
Feminist on Fenris
Dear Feminist on Fenris,
You can invite more people. I know some Sisters of Battle who would be happy to join Intergalactic Ladies' Nite. They are located on the planet Domainia. I'll let them know about you.
Ihni binni dimi diniwiny anitaime
Ihni binni dimi dini uan mor taime
Or ihni binni diniwiny ani taime
O Ihni binni dini one mor taime
Chacarron, chacarron
Nini nini ron
Chacarron, chacarron
Nini nini ron
Shakaroni shakaroni
Nini nini ron
Chacarron, chacarron
Nini nini ron
Ihni binni dimi diniwiny anitaime
Ihni binni dimi dini uan mor taime
Or ihni binni diniwiny ani taime
O Ihni binni dini one mor taime
Chacarron, chacarron
Nini nini ron
Chacarron, chacarron
Nini nini ron
Shakaroni shakaroni
Nini nini ron
Chacarron, chacarron
Nini nini ron
HIP!
Chacarron
Nini nini ron
HIP!
HIP!
Nini nini ron
Enny thaiwn you play
Enny thaiwn you flow
Abititta ini ina chacarron
Enny thaiwn you flow
Into this groove...
Unda the guide of the winny poo
Macarron the cove
Ini giv mi flow
Abititta za inni chacarron
In di gane dini giv mi flow
Gama gimi iniini blow
Chacarron, chacarron
Nini nini ron
Chacarron, chacarron
Nini nini ron
Shakaroni shakaroni
Nini nini ron
Chacarron, chacarron
Nini nini ron
Ihni binni dimi diniwiny anitaime
Ihni binni dimi dini uan mor taime
Or ihni binni diniwiny ani taime
O Ihni binni dini one mor taime
Chacarron, chacarron
Nini nini ron
Chacarron, chacarron
Nini nini ron
Shakaroni shakaroni
Nini nini ron
Chacarron, chacarron
Nini nini ron
O my ggggoooodd!
HIP! yeah
Nini nini ron
HIP!
Chacarron
Nini nini ron
HIP! yeah
Nini nini ron
HIP! yeah
Nini nini ron
Ihni binni dimi diniwiny anitaime
Ihni binni dimi dini uan mor taime
Or ihni binni diniwiny ani taime
O ihni binni dini one mor taime
Chacarron, chacarron
Nini nini ron
Chacarron, chacarron
Nini nini ron
Shakaroni shakaroni
Nini nini ron
Chacarron, chacarron
Nini nini ron
Enny thaiwn you play
Enny thaiwn you flow
Abititta ini ina chacarron
Enny thaiwn you flow
Into this groove...
Unda the guide of the winny poo
Macarron the cove
Ini giv mi flow
Abititta za inni chacarron
In di gane dini giv mi flow
Gama gimi iniini blow
Chacarron chacarron & the macarron
Chacarron chacarron & the macarron
Chacarron macarron chacarron macarron
Ina foke nika foke & the macarron
Can you talk to Forgeworld and ask them to lower their prices? I would dearly love to buy some stuff from them, but their prices are astronomical.
Thanks,
Poor Citizen from 2016
Dear Poor Citizen from 2016,
I'll have you know I have talked to them millions (yes, quite literally millions) of times, and they always say no. And before you get any ideas, I have also asked Games Workshop, and they also say no. Go bother someone else.
Regards,
Das Emp
------------------------------------------
Dear Emperor,
I was just wondering, what do you think about ladies' night? I'm a bit conflicted over it and I wanted to see what other people thought about it
Regards,
Citizen from 2016
Dear Citizen from 2016,
Ladies night is a night only for ladies. If you're a man, then you can come to our "boyz night" on Holy Terra. Just watch out for the orks, though.
Take it easy,
Das Emp
--------------------------------------------
Dear Emperor,
Have you ever met Gork and Mork? One time, they beat me up tag-team style. When I confronted them about it, they said they were bored. I've gotten reports from orks that an all out Waaagh is on its way to your palace, led by none other than Gork and Mork themselves. I'll send you some backup forces if you need 'em.
I told you before to crawl back into that anus you call the Eye of terror or do I have sent you another crusade of the righteous fury of the Astartes to put you and your damded kind back into the hell where you belong!
If I was not strapped to this shiny chair I would take Gork and Mork to your house and the three of us will remodel your garden with fire. Free that poor girl you forced into that abusive relationship you mistake for love.She deserves better. We would flush your head in a toilet, but you probably would like that.
May you purged with Holy fire,
The Emperor -----------------------------------------------------
Dear Emperor,
I have most troubling news!
We run across an isolated star system shielded by astroid fields and warp storms. The inhabitants are a mix of human and Xenos who live together in heretical peace!
In my opinion Human, Eldar, Tau and Orks can only have a relationship of proper hate and Despise. They have set up some sort of mixed race counsil as their ruling body.
Their defence force appears to consists of a misguide chapter of Astartes who have combined the Imperial guard, Space marine and various Xeno forces of this system into a single powerfull army!
Worse they have cast aside the Holy rites dictated by the Adeptus Mechanicus of Mars and made unholy progress in technology and weapons.
They claim to be in possession of an archive of knowledge on human and Xeno civilization over the last 40.000 years. A mysterious and there for dangerous Xeno race collected this data from some ancient technologies called "Television signals" and "The Internet". I shutter to think what dark and forbidden knowledge they may contain.
I informed the Inquisition, but they told it would take 5647 years for the Administratum to process my request.
Direct intervention will prove to be very difficult as the system is well protected by its natural barriers. Also I believe they can sabotage our communications with music and massive amounts of pictures of felines.
I hope your define power will stop these vile Heretics who dare believe in this peace and harmony for these are the seeds of ruination!
with Holy regards,
Captain Tinius Filicus of the Imperial waste disposal barge Sus Fetor.
I have most troubling news!
We run across an isolated star system shielded by astroid fields and warp storms. The inhabitants are a mix of human and Xenos who live together in heretical peace!
In my opinion Human, Eldar, Tau and Orks can only have a relationship of proper hate and Despise. They have set up some sort of mixed race counsil as their ruling body.
Their defence force appears to consists of a misguide chapter of Astartes who have combined the Imperial guard, Space marine and various Xeno forces of this system into a single powerfull army!
Worse they have cast aside the Holy rites dictated by the Adeptus Mechanicus of Mars and made unholy progress in technology and weapons.
They claim to be in possession of an archive of knowledge on human and Xeno civilization over the last 40.000 years. A mysterious and there for dangerous Xeno race collected this data from some ancient technologies called "Television signals" and "The Internet". I shutter to think what dark and forbidden knowledge they may contain.
I informed the Inquisition, but they told it would take 5647 years for the Administratum to process my request.
Direct intervention will prove to be very difficult as the system is well protected by its natural barriers. Also I believe they can sabotage our communications with music and massive amounts of pictures of felines.
I hope your define power will stop these vile Heretics who dare believe in this peace and harmony for these are the seeds of ruination!
with Holy regards,
Captain Tinius Filicus of the Imperial waste disposal barge Sus Fetor.
Dear Captain Tinius,
I'm sending an exterminatus to help you get out of there. It should be there in 5 hours. Hold out as long as you can.
Regards,
Das Emp
---------------------------------------
Dear Emperor,
What can I talk to you about? I have run out of things to say.
I have a great problem and I frankly don't know who to turn too. You see one of my hands is slightly pinker than the other.
I thought of consulting an apothocary but frankly I'd rather thought you where the better option.
I have a great problem and I frankly don't know who to turn too. You see one of my hands is slightly pinker than the other.
I thought of consulting an apothocary but frankly I'd rather thought you where the better option.
Regards,
Harold.
Dear Harold,
Just because one of your hands is pinker than the other doesn't mean you're sick. Go see your apothecary. You probably have increased blood flow to one hand.
Regards,
Das Emp
------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Emperor,
Nobody lives under the sea now. It's a radioactive cesspool, but I do dispose of my enemies there, so maybe their skeletons live down there?
Regards,
Emp
-----------------------------
Dear Space Emperor,
I have an issue. You see, I want to go purge some Eldar, but they also make the best wine, and I love drinking wine. So if I purge them I lose the wine, but if I don't purge them then they still live. What should I do?
Dear Inquisitor Joe,
You don't need to purge those xenos. That's the Deathwatch's job, not yours. However, I wonder if you can spot any heretics (which IS your job) when you're too busy drinking Eldar wine. I'd suggest you get on the wagon and stop with the wine before you yourself have to be purged.
Regards,
The Emperor
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Emperor of Terra,
You might as well do the right thing and surrender to the Greater Good. All you are doing by resisting us is prolonging the inevitable. Your people on worlds we have taken from you rejoice at being freed from your backward Imperium. Your military's technology is so primitive I'm surprised it even scratches the paint on our battlesuits. Our destiny is to rule the galaxy, and so we shall, for the Greater Good. So why die resisting us when you can join us and live?
Sincerely,
Por'vre Pro'paga'nde
Tau Water Caste
Dear Emperor of Terra,
You might as well do the right thing and surrender to the Greater Good. All you are doing by resisting us is prolonging the inevitable. Your people on worlds we have taken from you rejoice at being freed from your backward Imperium. Your military's technology is so primitive I'm surprised it even scratches the paint on our battlesuits. Our destiny is to rule the galaxy, and so we shall, for the Greater Good. So why die resisting us when you can join us and live?
Sincerely,
Por'vre Pro'paga'nde
Tau Water Caste
Dear Por'vre Pro'paga'nde,
I am stuck on the golden throne, so I cannot join you. Why not ask this King Sigmar dude I keep hearing about?
Regards,
Das emp
-----------------------------------------------
Hello,
We heard you were having a pool party. We think that iz fun. We'll be rite over.
I am afraid that, what you mistake for a pool is actually a massive drainage basin for the radioactive coolant water from my throne.
Its secondary systems need a constant flow of ice cold water to cool the atomic reactor that powers them. Courtesy of General Atomic's I suppose.
Some pilgrims like to sprinkle it all over them self and others and call it Holy water. They are weird like that.
Being stuck on the contraption for hundreds of years makes me laugh at anything I suppose. If I could move my face.
Regards,
The Emperor.
-------------------------------------------
Dear Princess Celestia,
Friendship is a wondrous and powerful thing. Even the worst of enemies can become friends. You need understanding and compromise. You've got to share. You've got to care.
Friendship is a wondrous and powerful thing. Even the worst of enemies can become friends. You need understanding and compromise. You've got to share. You've got to care.
Always your faithful student,
Twilight Sparkle.
Dear Twilight Sparkle,
I am not Princess Celestia. I am the Emperor of Mankind, and you will refer to me as such.
Regards,
Emp
---------------------------------------------
Dear Emperor,
I am Clin-Ton. As overlord, you will kneel trembling before me and obey my brutal commands. End communication.
-Bill Clinton, aka Kodos from The Simpsons
As I am being the Emperor of mankind bound to the Golden Throne I will do no such thing!
Even if I wanted to my body is an inanimate husk of my former self and incapable of motion.
May my light blind you,
The Emperor.
--------------------------------------
Dear Sir,
I object strongly to the questions in this thread.
They are clearly not written by the general Dakka members and are merely included for a cheap laugh.
I object strongly to the questions in this thread.
They are clearly not written by the general Dakka members and are merely included for a cheap laugh.
Yours sincerely etc.,
Sir Richard Butkisss.
Dear Sir Richard Butkisss,
First off, I can't stop laughing. Whoever your mother is, I want to slap her for giving you such a stupid name.
All that aside, Dakka Members do write me letters, some are just ridiculous. Now buzz off, before I sent an exterminatus to your home planet.
Regards,
Das emp
----------------------------------------
Dear Emperor,
I am inviting you to my birthday party. It is at 47 Slaanesh street, in Seattle, Washington on 3-19-2016 from 8am-12am. We'll have a whale of a time, with Whale Crackers, Whale Cakes, and Whale themed presents. Can you come?
I regret to inform you that I am unable to attend since I am in an immobile state. Barring anything short of a miracle, I will be so for the rest of eternity.
I will have the Holy Inquisition deliver you some flowers and a fruit basket in my name.
Best regards,
The Emperor.
-------------------------------------
Dear Emperor of Mankind,
What a happy coincidence that my letter to princes Celestia ended in a whole other dimension.
I am so excited by the discovery of your people and can’t wait to meet your Highness so we can all be friends!
We are currently working on a magic portal to your world so you and your friends can come over to ours and me and my friends can throw you a welcome party.
My friend Pinkie Pie is already baking the cupcakes. My friend Applejack is supplying her best batch of apple cider just for the occasion.
I have not told Princess Celestia about any of this, because I hope we can surprise her together.
Everypony will be so happy to meet you I am sure!
Best regards and hope to see you soon,
Twillight Sparkle.
What a happy coincidence that my letter to princes Celestia ended in a whole other dimension.
I am so excited by the discovery of your people and can’t wait to meet your Highness so we can all be friends!
We are currently working on a magic portal to your world so you and your friends can come over to ours and me and my friends can throw you a welcome party.
My friend Pinkie Pie is already baking the cupcakes. My friend Applejack is supplying her best batch of apple cider just for the occasion.
I have not told Princess Celestia about any of this, because I hope we can surprise her together.
Everypony will be so happy to meet you I am sure!
Best regards and hope to see you soon,
Twillight Sparkle.
Dear Twilight Sparkle,
I am looking forward to meeting you and your associates. Unfortunately, I am immobile on my throne, so I won't be able to move. Maybe you could come instead?
Regards,
Das Emp
---------------------------------------------------
Dear Emperor,
I've got a golden throne myself. Okay, it's more brown, but it's very comfortable. My cat loves it. Is your throne comfortable too?
Regards,
Dude with armchair
Good for you.
I can't tell if mine is comfortable since my body is an unfeeling husk. I do remember that I had a comfy chair once. Great days.
Best Regards,
The Emperor.
-------------------------------------
Dear Sir,
I object strongly to the obvious pony turn this thread has taken the last couple of posts.
Why can't we read more about the human body? There is nothing embarrassing or nasty about the human body except for the intestines and bits of the bottom.
I object strongly to the obvious pony turn this thread has taken the last couple of posts.
Why can't we read more about the human body? There is nothing embarrassing or nasty about the human body except for the intestines and bits of the bottom.
Dear Sir,
I think we'll stop the pony stuff. And you can talk about the human body with your local doctor, not me.
Regards,
Das Emp
-----------------------------------------------------
Dear Emperor,
derp DERP DERP DERP derpity derp derp a derpity DERPITY DERP DERP DERP DERP DERP DERP DERP DERP DERP derp a derpity derp derp derp derp derp derp DERP A DERPITY DERP A DERPITY DERP DERP DERP derp derp derp derp derp derp DERPITY DERP derpity derp DERPITY DERP DERP DERP derp derp derp a derpity derp a derpity derp a derpity DERP A DERPITY DERP derp derp DERP DERP DERP derp DERPITY DERP DERP DERP DERP DERPITY DERP derp derp derp derpity derp DERP DERP A DERPITY DERPITY DERP derpity derp derpity derp derpity derp DERP A DERPITY derp DERP DERP A DERPITY derp derp derp DERP derpity derp derp derp derp derp derp a derpity derp DERP DERP DERP DERP derp derp derp DERP DERP DERP DERP DERP DERP DERP A DERPITY DERP A DERPITY derpity derp DERP A DERPITY derp DERPITY DERP DERP A DERPITY DERP DERP DERP DERP A DERPITY derp derp DERP DERP DERP DERP derp a derpity DERP A DERPITY derp a derpity derp a derpity DERP derp derp derp derpity derp derpity derp derp derp derp DERP derp derp a derpity derpity derp derp derp derp derp derp derp derp a derpity derp derp derp a derpity derp a derpity DERP DERP derp derp derp derpity derp DERP A DERPITY derpity derp DERP derp derp DERP derpity derp DERP DERP DERP A DERPITY derp derp DERP A DERPITY DERP A DERPITY DERP DERP DERP derp derp derp DERP A DERPITY DERP DERP derp derp derp DERP derpity derp DERPITY DERP derp derp derp derpity derp derp derp derpity derp DERP DERP derp derp derpity derp DERP DERP derpity derpy derp!
As a prolific post-writer, I feel I must protest about the previous post. I am nearly sixty and am quite mad, but I do enjoy listening to the BBC Home Service. If this continues to go on unabated ...Dunkirk... dark days of the war... backs to the wall... Alvar Liddell ... Berlin air lift ... moral upheaval of Profumo case ... young hippies roaming the streets, raping, looting and killing.
As a prolific post-writer, I feel I must protest about the previous post. I am nearly sixty and am quite mad, but I do enjoy listening to the BBC Home Service. If this continues to go on unabated ...Dunkirk... dark days of the war... backs to the wall... Alvar Liddell ... Berlin air lift ... moral upheaval of Profumo case ... young hippies roaming the streets, raping, looting and killing.
Yours etc., Brigadier Arthur Gormanstrop (Mrs).
Dear Mrs. Gormanstrop,
Nobody has the right to protest to me. And you are obviously drunk, so become sober, and then talk to me again.
Regards,
Das Emp
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Big E,
It's always good to know that I still inspire people. Even if they are Orks.
If it was'nt for Horus's betrayal and the mess afterwards. We would probably been staunch allies getting drunk together and kicked those Chaos pantsies back into the Eye of Terror.
I would have married that pretty Eldar girl and have that house I always wanted.
But alas it was not to be. Now I am stuck here with a bunch of idiots who think I am a God and another bunch of idiots who pray to the microwave oven everytime a hot pocket gets burned.
Keep up the good Waaagh,
The Emperor
------------------------------------------
Dear Emperor,
I will introduce myself I am Mr.Wong du a Banker working in a Financial Administratum in the formal Pan-Pacific Empire. Until now I am the account officer to most of the Pan-Pacific Empire government accounts and I have since discovered that most of the account are dormant account with a lot of money in the account on further investigation I found out that one particular account belong to the former president of a Pan-Pacific Empire city state, MR GANG WOO-JUNG, who ruled a Pan-Pacific Empire city state from 31.963-31.979 and this particular account has a deposit of 487.000.000 Thrones with no next of kin.
My proposal is that since I am the account officer and the money or the account is dormant and there is no next of kin obviously the account owner the former president of a Pan-Pacific Empire city state has died long time ago, that you should provide an account for the money to be transferred.
The money that is floating in the bank right now is 487.000.000 Thrones and this is what I want to transfer to your account for our mutual benefit.
Please if this is okay by you I will advice that you contact me through my direct email address.
Please this transaction should be kept confidential. For your assistance as the account owner we shall share the money on equal basis.
Dear Little Billy,
I don't know where everyone got the idea that I'm some kind of god. If I was a god, would I really leave my decaying corpse stuck on the golden throne for 10000 years? Sounds like your mom is another one of those crazy fangirl bitches that keep spreading rumors about me. If you want a miracle, I could send the Inquisition to take care of her and place you in the care of someone more level-headed. Maybe you could even be a Space Marine someday!
Regards,
The Emperor
--------------------------------------------------------
Dear Emperor,
How come you never come and stroke my fur anymore? Or feed me? Or play with me? Or let me sit in your lap? Or any of those normal pet things? The only humans I get to interact with anymore are servitors and those horrible creepy cyber babies that always pull my tail! You know, beings like myself used to be treated like royalty on Terra, but now...not so much. Please pay attention to me, or I'll have to have another accident on the floor.
Affectionately yours,
Your cat
Dear Emperor,
How come you never come and stroke my fur anymore? Or feed me? Or play with me? Or let me sit in your lap? Or any of those normal pet things? The only humans I get to interact with anymore are servitors and those horrible creepy cyber babies that always pull my tail! You know, beings like myself used to be treated like royalty on Terra, but now...not so much. Please pay attention to me, or I'll have to have another accident on the floor.
Affectionately yours,
Your cat
Dear cat,
I am immobile on my throne. I cannot pet you. I cannot even move my arms.
Regards,
Das emp
------------------------------------------
Dear Emperor,
But tonight, I say, we must move forward, not backwards, upwards, not forwards, and always twirling, twirling, TWIRLING towards freedom!
What do you say?
I would accept your invitation to dance, but I am an immobile husk.
I used to be quite a dancer when I was uniting humanity across the univers.
If only I could get a new body.
I have not seen any form of television since I was put on this shiny contraption. I have however a large painted mural on the wall opposite of me.
Needless to say that, when the camera that replaced my eyes was still working, it became dreadfully boring very fast. Now some dumbass comes by every two days to burn incense and recite prayers to said camera.
Why don't they just get a new one! Come to think of it why didn't they put me in one of those fancy Dreadnoughts in the first place. Its because I am surrounded by donkey-caves that's why!
As for my favorite TV show. I can't remember really as I was to busy fighting for the unification humanity to watch television.
When I did get time all there was on was a black and white test pattern with "please stand by" written on it. That old Radiation King kept on going though.
I hereby wish to report that your loyal Adeptus Custodes successfully managed stop an invasion of the palace broom closet.
Foul creatures from another plane of existence managed to breach our walls using forbidden magic.
We suspect this incursion force of small quadruped creatures was possibly aligned with Tzeench, because of their garish colors and sorcery abilities,
Video feed analysis of the incident showed none of the invaders seem to bear any of the typical chaos markings. Also they seem to be carrying colorful bits of paper and sweet pastries instead of actual weapons.
One of the initiates ate a pastry from a box labeled "cupcakes for the emperor". We executed him on the spot. Not to be safe, but because it is forbidden to eat anything more colorful than drab brow or gray. Green is sometimes acceptable.
We do regret to inform you that the attackers managed to flee through the same portal they came in. We would have stopped them where we not blinded by sparkles fired from what appears to be some sort of novelty cannon. Said device has been turned over to the Adeptus Mechanicus for further study.
Our prayers go out to our venerable brother Ventruvius, who encased in his ancient Holy Leviathan Dreadnought body chased after them through their portal right before it closed. May his Cyclonic Melta Lance and Siege Claw bring your Holy wrath to whatever cursed realm he ended up in. Also we suffered the loss of three mobs, four buckets and our entire supply of toilet paper.
The only question remains of what to do with these "Cupcakes". Since they are addressed directly to your Holyness, destroying them would be Heresy punishable by death. Analysis have show them to be harmless, but brightly colored food stuff is also Heresy punishable by death.
May your light guide and protect us,
Chief Custodian, Marcuss Arcturon
I hereby wish to report that your loyal Adeptus Custodes successfully managed stop an invasion of the palace broom closet.
Foul creatures from another plane of existence managed to breach our walls using forbidden magic.
We suspect this incursion force of small quadruped creatures was possibly aligned with Tzeench, because of their garish colors and sorcery abilities,
Video feed analysis of the incident showed none of the invaders seem to bear any of the typical chaos markings. Also they seem to be carrying colorful bits of paper and sweet pastries instead of actual weapons.
One of the initiates ate a pastry from a box labeled "cupcakes for the emperor". We executed him on the spot. Not to be safe, but because it is forbidden to eat anything more colorful than drab brow or gray. Green is sometimes acceptable.
We do regret to inform you that the attackers managed to flee through the same portal they came in. We would have stopped them where we not blinded by sparkles fired from what appears to be some sort of novelty cannon. Said device has been turned over to the Adeptus Mechanicus for further study.
Our prayers go out to our venerable brother Ventruvius, who encased in his ancient Holy Leviathan Dreadnought body chased after them through their portal right before it closed. May his Cyclonic Melta Lance and Siege Claw bring your Holy wrath to whatever cursed realm he ended up in. Also we suffered the loss of three mobs, four buckets and our entire supply of toilet paper.
The only question remains of what to do with these "Cupcakes". Since they are addressed directly to your Holyness, destroying them would be Heresy punishable by death. Analysis have show them to be harmless, but brightly colored food stuff is also Heresy punishable by death.
May your light guide and protect us,
Chief Custodian, Marcuss Arcturon
Dear Marcuss,
I am sorry to hear about the death of your comrades. I think you should eat the cupcakes. I rather like cupcakes, so enjoy them!
Regards,
Das emp
------------------------------------
Dear Consumer,
Your shipment of flowers is waiting for you at 643 Tango street, ready for you to pick them up. If you wish, we can deliver them directly to your place of residence, and you can give us the payment of $700 billion dollars.
I don't remember ordering flowers worth 700 billion in a now ancient and defunct currency.
However the Adeptus Economicus has informed me that in today's Imperial currency , $700 billion dollars is worth about 3 Thrones or an item of equal value.
I have dispatched an squad of Adeptus Custodes to come and collect them at your provided address and to provide you with payment.
After the last incursion they need to get out of the house a little.
Since the Adeptus Mechanicus finally replaced my eye camera, I am looking forward to have the flowers placed in front of the wall I once again have to stare at.
Best regards,
The Emperor.
------------------------------------------------
Dear Emperor,
I'm President of the United States! How do you like that!
I'm President of the United States! How do you like that!
Signed,
Richard. M. Nixon.
Dear Nixon,
I am sorry, but there is no president of the United States. In fact, there is no longer a United States. There is only Terra. According to my records, you lived in the 20th century. This is the 41st millennium.
Goodbye,
Das emp
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Emperor,
I am a crumbling husk of the man I once was. My powerful mind preserved in the Immaterium.
I maintain and direct the Astronomican, the psychic beacon that makes possible faster-than-light Warp travel and is vital to Imperial shipping, transportation, commerce and communication.
I chose this sacrfice of my immortal live at the end of the Horus Heresy in the service and protection of Mankind.
At least that is what everyone is told! Lies I tell you. They all wanted my inheritance!
Seriously they did not even try to stick me in one of those fancy Dreadnought bodies. I was only stabbed in the heart. I am immortal i would have gotten better!
Just wait until I get a new body. I'll show them. Even if it takes me a billion years!
Thank you for purchasing a McDonnell Douglas military aircraft. In order to protect your new investment, please take a few moments to fill out the warranty registration card below.
Answering the survey questions is not required, but the information will help us to develop new products that best meet your needs and desires.
1. [_] Mr. [_] Mrs. [_] Ms. [_] Miss [_] Lt. [_] Gen. [_] Comrade [_] Classified [_] Other
2. Which model aircraft did you purchase?
[_] F-14 Tomcat
[_] F-15 Eagle
[_] F-16 Falcon
[_] F-117A Stealth
[_] Classified
3. Date of purchase (Year/Month/Day): / /
4. Serial Number:
5. Please check where this product was purchased:
[_] Received as gift/aid package
[_] Catalog showroom
[_] Independent arms broker
[_] Mail order
[_] Discount store
[_] Government surplus
[_] Classified
6. Please check how you became aware of the McDonnell Douglas product you have just purchased:
[_] Heard loud noise, looked up
[_] Store display
[_] Espionage
[_] Recommended by friend/relative/ally
[_] Political lobbying by manufacturer
[_] Was attacked by one
7. Please check the three (3) factors that most influenced your decision
to purchase this McDonnell Douglas product:
[_] Style/appearance
[_] Speed/maneuverability
[_] Price/value
[_] Comfort/convenience
[_] Kickback/bribe
[_] Recommended by salesperson
[_] McDonnell Douglas reputation
[_] Advanced Weapons Systems
[_] Backroom politics
[_] Negative experience opposing one in combat
8. Please check the location(s) where this product will be used:
[_] North America
[_] Iraq
[_] Iraq
[_] Aircraft carrier
[_] Iraq
[_] Europe
[_] Iraq
[_] Middle East (not Iraq)
[_] Iraq
[_] Africa
[_] Iraq
[_] Asia/Far East
[_] Iraq
[_] Misc. Third World countries
[_] Iraq
[_] Classified
[_] Iraq
9. Please check the products that you currently own or intend to purchase in the near future:
[_] Color TV
[_] VCR
[_] ICBM
[_] Killer Satellite
[_] CD Player
[_] Air-to-Air Missiles
[_] Space Shuttle
[_] Home Computer
[_] Nuclear Weapon
10. How would you describe yourself or your organization? (Check all that apply)
13. To help us understand our customers' lifestyles, please indicate the interests and activities in which you and your spouse enjoy participating on a regular basis:
Thank you for taking the time to fill out this questionnaire. Your answers will be used in market studies that will help McDonnell Douglas serve you better in the future - as well as allowing you to receive mailings and special offers from other companies, governments, extremist groups, and mysterious consortia. As a bonus for responding to this survey, you will be registered to win a brand new F-117A in our Desert Thunder Sweepstakes!
Comments or suggestions about our fighter planes? Please write to:
McDONNELL DOUGLAS CORPORATION
Marketing Department
Military Aerospace Division
Thank you for purchasing a McDonnell Douglas military aircraft. In order to protect your new investment, please take a few moments to fill out the warranty registration card below.
Answering the survey questions is not required, but the information will help us to develop new products that best meet your needs and desires.
1. [_] Mr. [_] Mrs. [_] Ms. [_] Miss [_] Lt. [_] Gen. [_] Comrade [_] Classified [_] Other
2. Which model aircraft did you purchase?
[_] F-14 Tomcat
[_] F-15 Eagle
[_] F-16 Falcon
[_] F-117A Stealth
[_] Classified
3. Date of purchase (Year/Month/Day): / /
4. Serial Number:
5. Please check where this product was purchased:
[_] Received as gift/aid package
[_] Catalog showroom
[_] Independent arms broker
[_] Mail order
[_] Discount store
[_] Government surplus
[_] Classified
6. Please check how you became aware of the McDonnell Douglas product you have just purchased:
[_] Heard loud noise, looked up
[_] Store display
[_] Espionage
[_] Recommended by friend/relative/ally
[_] Political lobbying by manufacturer
[_] Was attacked by one
7. Please check the three (3) factors that most influenced your decision
to purchase this McDonnell Douglas product:
[_] Style/appearance
[_] Speed/maneuverability
[_] Price/value
[_] Comfort/convenience
[_] Kickback/bribe
[_] Recommended by salesperson
[_] McDonnell Douglas reputation
[_] Advanced Weapons Systems
[_] Backroom politics
[_] Negative experience opposing one in combat
8. Please check the location(s) where this product will be used:
[_] North America
[_] Iraq
[_] Iraq
[_] Aircraft carrier
[_] Iraq
[_] Europe
[_] Iraq
[_] Middle East (not Iraq)
[_] Iraq
[_] Africa
[_] Iraq
[_] Asia/Far East
[_] Iraq
[_] Misc. Third World countries
[_] Iraq
[_] Classified
[_] Iraq
9. Please check the products that you currently own or intend to purchase in the near future:
[_] Color TV
[_] VCR
[_] ICBM
[_] Killer Satellite
[_] CD Player
[_] Air-to-Air Missiles
[_] Space Shuttle
[_] Home Computer
[_] Nuclear Weapon
10. How would you describe yourself or your organization? (Check all that apply)
13. To help us understand our customers' lifestyles, please indicate the interests and activities in which you and your spouse enjoy participating on a regular basis:
Thank you for taking the time to fill out this questionnaire. Your answers will be used in market studies that will help McDonnell Douglas serve you better in the future - as well as allowing you to receive mailings and special offers from other companies, governments, extremist groups, and mysterious consortia. As a bonus for responding to this survey, you will be registered to win a brand new F-117A in our Desert Thunder Sweepstakes!
Comments or suggestions about our fighter planes? Please write to:
McDONNELL DOUGLAS CORPORATION
Marketing Department
Military Aerospace Division
Dear McDONNEL DOUGLAS CORPORATION,
I shall return your questionnaire blank. Go bother someone else.
Regards,
Das emp
-----------------------------------
Dear Emperor,
Is the scream more interesting than the thousands of screams, I hear every day from the sacrifices made to sustain my immortal mind?
If so. Yes, yes I would like to hear the scream.
Signed,
The Emperor
-------------------------------------------
Hello, not-tribe-member.
Urk name Urk. Many moons ago, Urk in bad way. Urk kicked out of cave by Thag. Thag bigger than Urk, Thag take Urk spiky club, Urka (Urk wo-man). Urk not able kill deer, must eat leaves, berries. Urk flee from wolves.
Today, Urk big chief. Urk have best cave, many wives, many spiky clubs. Urk tell how.
WHAT DO: make one spiky club and take to cave places below. Add own cave place to bottom of list, take cave place off top. Put new message on walls many caves. Wait. Many clubs soon come! This not crime! Urk ask shaman, gods say okay.
HERE LIST:
1) Urk
First cave
Olduvai Gorge
few) Thag (not that Thag, other Thag)
old dead tree
by lake shaped like mammoth
few) Og
big rock with overhang
near pig game trail
Many) Zog
river caves
where river meet big water
Urk hope not-tribe-member do what Urk say do. That only way it work.
Urk name Urk. Many moons ago, Urk in bad way. Urk kicked out of cave by Thag. Thag bigger than Urk, Thag take Urk spiky club, Urka (Urk wo-man). Urk not able kill deer, must eat leaves, berries. Urk flee from wolves.
Today, Urk big chief. Urk have best cave, many wives, many spiky clubs. Urk tell how.
WHAT DO: make one spiky club and take to cave places below. Add own cave place to bottom of list, take cave place off top. Put new message on walls many caves. Wait. Many clubs soon come! This not crime! Urk ask shaman, gods say okay.
HERE LIST:
1) Urk
First cave
Olduvai Gorge
few) Thag (not that Thag, other Thag)
old dead tree
by lake shaped like mammoth
few) Og
big rock with overhang
near pig game trail
Many) Zog
river caves
where river meet big water
Urk hope not-tribe-member do what Urk say do. That only way it work.
Dear Random Idiot,
Are you an ork? Because if you are, then I won't answer to you. Besides, there are many other ways to do things too.
Regards,
Das emp
-------------------------------------------------------
To: The space emperor <dasemp@41stmillenium.com>
From: The Weather Service Automated Alerts System <webmaster@weatherservice.com>
Subject: Freeze watch
Freeze watch in effect from late tonight thru sunday morning...
The weather service has issued a Freeze Watch from Late Tonight thru Sunday morning
Temperatures: 28-32F
Timing: Late tonight thru sunday morning
Impacts: Sensitive plants may be killed. Your golden throne may freeze up and cease to work.
Preparation: Cover your plants and put some heaters near your golden throne or some blankets on your golden throne.
This explains why there are a bunch of those stupid Tech Priest running around chanting prayers and burning so much incense, you would think they are just setting off smoke launchers.
I am pretty sure the heat from the braziers they set up will be quite sufficient in keeping the Throne from freezing. That is, if they don't set the palace on fire with those damn things.
Maybe I will get a proper dignifying cremation at last. Instead of being a poorly preserved corpse on a fancy chair like some freak show attraction.
Regards,
The Emperor.
-------------------------------------------------
Oi! Golden Humie, Git!
What is you thinkin' tha last lettah was writt'n by an Ork!
Urk iz not a proppa Ork name!
Wher' iz the DAKKA! Or the CHOPPA! All tha't Git iz talkin'bout iz spikey sicks! Them iz not proppa ork Choppa's!
A proppa Ork would use a Shoota and a Choppa. Cause GREEN iz best!
Pleaz sent more humie Gitz wit good bitz for lootin' like them space marine gitz or them weak humies wit lots 'o' tanks!
This explains why there are a bunch of those stupid Tech Priest running around chanting prayers and burning so much incense, you would think they are just setting off smoke launchers.
I am pretty sure the heat from the braziers they set up will be quite sufficient in keeping the Throne from freezing. That is, if they don't set the palace on fire with those damn things.
Maybe I will get a proper dignifying cremation at last. Instead of being a poorly preserved corpse on a fancy chair like some freak show attraction.
Regards,
The Emperor.
-------------------------------------------------
Oi! Golden Humie, Git!
What is you thinkin' tha last lettah was writt'n by an Ork!
Urk iz not a proppa Ork name!
Wher' iz the DAKKA! Or the CHOPPA! All tha't Git iz talkin'bout iz spikey sicks! Them iz not proppa ork Choppa's!
A proppa Ork would use a Shoota and a Choppa. Cause GREEN iz best!
Pleaz sent more humie Gitz wit good bitz for lootin' like them space marine gitz or them weak humies wit lots 'o' tanks!
Warboss Skull'Smakkah.
PS I wantz intrview on yer fancy view box.
Dear Warboss Skull'Smakkah,
I don't answer to orks. I'm sending some Space Marines your way. Have a good afterlife.
Love (not really),
Das Emp
------------------------------------------
Dear Emperor,
You've just won a prize! To claim it, write to us at 111 Scammer Street. This expires in 7 days.
Is it a new body? Or something like a robotic arm with working fingers? If so I will sent some Custodes to pick it up.
If this is a horrible prank played at an old ruler of all humanity I will sent some Custodes to pick up your corpses for sacrifice in my name.
Having spent the past twenty minutes waiting for someone at Astra Militarium to pick up a Vox caster I have decided to abandon the idea and try mailing you instead.
Perhaps you would be so kind as to pass this message on to your colleagues in the Astra Militarium by means of smoke signal, carrier pigeon or realy loud yelling.
As I'm writing this e-mail there are eleven Heretics (I think you call them juves) in Warring Crusader Street which is just off Commercial Street in Sigma Spire XX.
Six of them seem happy enough to play a game which involves kicking a football against an iron gate with the force of a meteorite.
This causes an earth shattering CLANG! Which rings throughout the entire building. This game is now in it's third week and as I am unsure how the scoring system works, I have no idea if it will end any time soon.
The remaining five walking abominations are happily rummaging through several bags of rubbish and items of furniture that someone has so thoughtfully dumped beside the wheelie bins.
One of them has found a buzzsaw and is setting about a discarded chair like a beaver on speed. I fear that it's only a matter of time before they turn their limited attention to the bottle of Promethium gas that is lying on it's side between the two bins.
If they could be relied on to only blow their own arms and legs off then I would happily leave them to it. I would even go so far as to lend them the matches. Unfortunately they are far more likely to blow up half the street with them and I've just finished decorating the kitchen.
What I suggest is this. After replying to this letter with worthless assurances that the matter is being looked into and will be dealt with, why not leave it until the one night of the year (probably bath night) when there are no mutants around then drive up the street in a Chimare before doing a three point turn and disappearing again. This will of course serve no other purpose than to remind us what Imperial Guardsmen actually look like.
I trust that when I take a chainsword to the skull of one of these throwbacks you'll do me the same courtesy of giving me a four month head start before coming to purge me.
I remain sir, your obedient servant.
Mrs Abigail Selestant.
Having spent the past twenty minutes waiting for someone at Astra Militarium to pick up a Vox caster I have decided to abandon the idea and try mailing you instead.
Perhaps you would be so kind as to pass this message on to your colleagues in the Astra Militarium by means of smoke signal, carrier pigeon or realy loud yelling.
As I'm writing this e-mail there are eleven Heretics (I think you call them juves) in Warring Crusader Street which is just off Commercial Street in Sigma Spire XX.
Six of them seem happy enough to play a game which involves kicking a football against an iron gate with the force of a meteorite.
This causes an earth shattering CLANG! Which rings throughout the entire building. This game is now in it's third week and as I am unsure how the scoring system works, I have no idea if it will end any time soon.
The remaining five walking abominations are happily rummaging through several bags of rubbish and items of furniture that someone has so thoughtfully dumped beside the wheelie bins.
One of them has found a buzzsaw and is setting about a discarded chair like a beaver on speed. I fear that it's only a matter of time before they turn their limited attention to the bottle of Promethium gas that is lying on it's side between the two bins.
If they could be relied on to only blow their own arms and legs off then I would happily leave them to it. I would even go so far as to lend them the matches. Unfortunately they are far more likely to blow up half the street with them and I've just finished decorating the kitchen.
What I suggest is this. After replying to this letter with worthless assurances that the matter is being looked into and will be dealt with, why not leave it until the one night of the year (probably bath night) when there are no mutants around then drive up the street in a Chimare before doing a three point turn and disappearing again. This will of course serve no other purpose than to remind us what Imperial Guardsmen actually look like.
I trust that when I take a chainsword to the skull of one of these throwbacks you'll do me the same courtesy of giving me a four month head start before coming to purge me.
I remain sir, your obedient servant.
Mrs Abigail Selestant.
Dear Abigail,
I will come and purge you right now. Prepare to die.
Regards,
Das emp
-------------------------------------------------------
Dear Emperor,
Who do you support? Here are the candidates.
DEMOCRAT
[_] Hillary Clinton
[_] Bernie Sanders
REPUBLICAN
[_] Donald Trump
[_] Ted Cruz
[_] John Kasich
Please return this survey with your answers enclosed.
I support a third party candidate. ME!
This is the reason I choose to unite humanity and if I had a body I would come down from this Throne and end this petty bickering personaly. Like I did over 10.000 years ago. those where the days.
Can you imagine if this where to happen on a galactic scale. We would be no better than savage Orks! Bashing each other over the head for the most inane reasons.
I would make Humanity great again!
Signed The Emperor.
-------------------------------------------------
Dear Emperor,
Would you kindly end this age of bloated decadence we are living in.
I have no idea what this 40k rules FAQ is, as your time was way before my time.
Maybe you should write to the Adaptus Historicus so they can check if their is any mention of it in the Imperial historical archives.
Signed,
The Emperor.
----------------------------------------------
Dear Emperor,
I have been ever so faithful this last century. Upon your reawakening I would like the following:
1. Purity Seals.
2. Holy Promethium.
3. A Mark V "Fangmaw" Pattern Chainsword.
4. A juvenile Equestrian.
5. Death to the Heretics.
6. Death to the Xenos.
I have no idea what this 40k rules FAQ is, as your time was way before my time.
Maybe you should write to the Adaptus Historicus so they can check if their is any mention of it in the Imperial historical archives.
Signed,
The Emperor.
----------------------------------------------
Dear Emperor,
I have been ever so faithful this last century. Upon your reawakening I would like the following:
1. Purity Seals.
2. Holy Promethium.
3. A Mark V "Fangmaw" Pattern Chainsword.
4. A juvenile Equestrian.
5. Death to the Heretics.
6. Death to the Xenos.
Signed,
Brother Septimius. Astartes Ultra.
P.S. I will use these items spread your divine glory.
I have been ever so faithful this last century. Upon your reawakening I would like the following:
1. Purity Seals.
2. Holy Promethium.
3. A Mark V "Fangmaw" Pattern Chainsword.
4. A juvenile Equestrian.
5. Death to the Heretics.
6. Death to the Xenos.
Signed,
Brother Septimius. Astartes Ultra.
P.S. I will use these items spread your divine glory.
Dear Septimius,
Good thinking. Unfortunately, I will never reawaken. But you can have these items anyway, right now.
Kind regards,
Das emp
----------------------------------
Dear Emp,
Enclosed you will find the secret to making you happy again: A body which you can move around in, so you will no longer have to sit on a throne.
Kind Regards,
Rick Astley
ENCLOSURE
Ooh
We're no strangers to love
You know the rules and so do I
A full commitment's what I'm thinking of
You wouldn't get this from any other guy
I just wanna tell you how I'm feeling
Gotta make you understand
Never gonna give you up
Never gonna let you down
Never gonna run around and desert you
Never gonna make you cry
Never gonna say goodbye
Never gonna tell a lie and hurt you
We've known each other for so long
Your heart's been aching, but you're too shy to say it
Inside, we both know what's been going on
We know the game and we're gonna play it
And if you ask me how I'm feeling
Don't tell me you're too blind to see
Never gonna give you up
Never gonna let you down
Never gonna run around and desert you
Never gonna make you cry
Never gonna say goodbye
Never gonna tell a lie and hurt you
Never gonna give you up
Never gonna let you down
Never gonna run around and desert you
Never gonna make you cry
Never gonna say goodbye
Never gonna tell a lie and hurt you
(Ooh, give you up)
(Ooh, give you up)
Never gonna give, never gonna give
(Give you up)
Never gonna give, never gonna give
(Give you up)
We've known each other for so long
Your heart's been aching, but you're too shy to say it
Inside, we both know what's been going on
We know the game and we're gonna play it
I just wanna tell you how I'm feeling
Gotta make you understand
Never gonna give you up
Never gonna let you down
Never gonna run around and desert you
Never gonna make you cry
Never gonna say goodbye
Never gonna tell a lie and hurt you
Never gonna give you up
Never gonna let you down
Never gonna run around and desert you
Never gonna make you cry
Never gonna say goodbye
Never gonna tell a lie and hurt you
Never gonna give you up
Never gonna let you down
Never gonna run around and desert you
Never gonna make you cry
Never gonna say goodbye
Never gonna tell a lie and hurt you
Dear emperor, Who do you support? Here are your candidates.
DEMOCRAT [_] Hillary ClinTon [_] Bernie Sanders
REPUBLICAN [_] Donald Trump [_] Ted Cruz [_] John Kasich
Please return your ballot to the nearest polling station in Maryland.
Regards,
Maryland Primary Ballot
Dear Maryland Primary Ballot,
I support none of those jackasses, as I would not trust any of them within a continent's reach of ANY red buttons. From racist nutcases to category-hating bigots, every last one of them is just trying to gain access to WMD's so that they can blow up anyone who is different. Not one o fthese people have yet realised the necessity of diplomacy, and they are all actively repulsing foreign countries with their statements.
Thank you,
The GEoM.
===================
Dear EMP,
Could you please deactivate the enemy electronics?
Could you please deactivate the enemy electronics?
Tyvm,
A Guardsman.
Dear Guardsman,
No.
Regards,
Das emp
------------------------------------------
Dear emperor,
I want you to endorse me. Why? Because I will MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN!
Other reasons to endorse me:
I have more delegates than anyone else on the republican side
Ted Cruz and John Kasich are mathematically eliminated
And once more, I will MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN!
I want you to endorse me. Why? Because I will MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN!
Other reasons to endorse me:
I have more delegates than anyone else on the republican side
Ted Cruz and John Kasich are mathematically eliminated
And once more, I will MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN!
Regards,
Donald J Trump
Dear The Donald,
From the moment you and your brothers disappeared from the secret laboratory hidden beneath my palace on Terra, I knew some of you would find the strength of will to seek me out. It's time you learned your true name: Rogal Don. Now you and your brothers will join me on a crusade to MAKE THE GALAXY GREAT AGAIN. Standing together, we will drive back the the Immigrant, the Socialist, and the Establishment Favorite. Well, I personally need to get back to work in that secret lab but you guys will do fine. I'm promoting your brother Hilarius to Warmaster while I'm away because he is the most experienced/masculine. Good luck!
Laterz,
Dad
- - - - -
Dear the Emperor of Mankind,
So I saw your nasty tweet complaining about me jacking your style. Whatever, we both know who copied who.
So I saw your nasty tweet complaining about me jacking your style. Whatever, we both know who copied who.
Get a life!
Sigmar - accept no substitutes
Dear Sigmar,
I do have a life, consisting of keeping daemons at bay and answering people's stupid letters.
Regards,
Das emp
- - - - - - - - - - - - -
Dear Emperor,
I was at school today, and was researching the Lewinsky Scandal, which happened in the late 1990s, between Bill Clinton and Monica Lewinsky. I accidentally clicked on a link that led me to a page about a sexual act. I won't say what the sexual act was, but I immediately closed the tab, cleared my history, and continued my research. I hope nobody saw me. Did I do everything to erase all evidence of the link I accidentally clicked on? Or will someone find out? I'm really scared here.
Set the computer on fire and throw it out a window.
Or to use a technical term, incinerate and defenestrate.
-Emperor of Mankind
---------------------------------
Dear Emperor,
How the ever-living feth do I complete this summoning ritual correctly? The only ones that work from this webpage are the ones for summoning Harpies. When I tried to summon a Daemonette, for scientific reasons, I started growing tentacles from my ear!
-Whateley
Verviedi wrote: Dear Emperor,
How the ever-living feth do I complete this summoning ritual correctly? The only ones that work from this webpage are the ones for summoning Harpies. When I tried to summon a Daemonette, for scientific reasons, I started growing tentacles from my ear!
-Whateley
Dear Heretic,
Sorcery is bad. We only allow SCIENCE around here. I'm sending over an Inquisitor to explain the details.
Sincerely,
Emperor of Mankind, Scientist
P.S. - The ear tentacle thing is bad but messing with daemonettes will give you hairy palms.
- - - - -
Majesty,
Our fortress monastery only has boy bathrooms. But what about battle brothers who identify as battle sisters? I mean, not Sisters of Battle. You know what I mean. As someone who spends a lot of time on the throne, what are your thoughts?
Our fortress monastery only has boy bathrooms. But what about battle brothers who identify as battle sisters? I mean, not Sisters of Battle. You know what I mean. As someone who spends a lot of time on the throne, what are your thoughts?
Loyally yours,
Blond from Baal
Dear Blond,
Why not turn the boys' bathrooms into unisex bathrooms? If you don't know how that works, then I will tell you.
A unisex bathroom works this way: When there is a man in the bathroom, then the man using the bathroom will put the male symbol on the door. When there is a woman in the bathroom, then the woman using the bathroom will put the female symbol on the door. Simple as that.
And for transgender people, just have them put either symbol, be it male or female (whichever one the transgender person is closer to, preferably) on the door.
I'm from 2016, as you may know. That is, 4/28/2016. I want to know, who wins the Democratic and Republican nomination? And which nominee wins the general election? I think it will be Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump who wins the Nomination(s) and Donald Trump will win the general election. What about you? I know you can see into the past. Right now, Trump and Hillary are leading.
I'm from 2016, as you may know. That is, 4/28/2016. I want to know, who wins the Democratic and Republican nomination? And which nominee wins the general election? I think it will be Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump who wins the Nomination(s) and Donald Trump will win the general election. What about you? I know you can see into the past. Right now, Trump and Hillary are leading.
Who will win?
Thanks,
Citizen from 2016
Pitiful fool,
Weep; for my reign over the human race will commence millennia after your death and the only leaders you will ever know are but petty tyrants, unworthy even of the people of your pathetic era.
As to your actual question - it may surprise you to learn that I do not commit to memory every trivial event that has transpired during the long ages of my existence. And I can't be bothered to google it for you.
Smugly,
IMPERATOR OMNIPOTENS
- - - - -
Dear the Emperor,
I'm thinking about rushing a Space Marine Chapter this semester. I am excited about the brotherhood, the community service, and of course networking. Problem is, I don't know which Chapter is right for me. How would you advise someone trying to pick the right Chapter?
I'm thinking about rushing a Space Marine Chapter this semester. I am excited about the brotherhood, the community service, and of course networking. Problem is, I don't know which Chapter is right for me. How would you advise someone trying to pick the right Chapter?
Yours truly,
Facing a Big Decision
Dear Sir,
I think you should do the Ultramarines. Some people refer to them as the Ultrasmurfs, which I laugh at (internally, I can't move my face). They are quite strategic, and Games Workshop's poster children for the Space Marines.
Are you married? Have you ever been married? If you are married, who is it to? If you have once been married, but are currently not married, who were you married to?
Anonymous,
I remember this one woman. She was very feminine. Can't remember much else. I've been alive a very long time.
-Emperor
---------------------
So, I tried turning that Inquisitor into a daemonhost using SCIENCE!, but all that happened was my laboratory violently exploding. What's the best way to get Shoggoth ash out of a hard drive?
-Whateley
So, I tried turning that Inquisitor into a daemonhost using SCIENCE!, but all that happened was my laboratory violently exploding. What's the best way to get Shoggoth ash out of a hard drive? -Whateley
Dear Whateley,
I'm afraid your hard drive has failed. Especially with Shoggoth ash in it.
If you tell me the specs of your hard drive (ie, SSD or HDD, 40GB space, 7200RPM, SATA I at 1.5 Gbps (gigabits per second)) then I will find you another one at no cost to you.
Regards,
Das emp
OOC: If you do not know what any of that means, here is your answer.
SSD=Solid State Drive HDD=Hard Disk Drive GB (note the capital "B")=Gigabyte RPM= Revolutions per minute SATA= Serial ATA, SATA I is up to 150 Megabytes per second, SATA II is up to 300 Megabytes per second, SATA III is up to 600 Megabytes per second Gb (note the lowercase "b")=Gigabit, equal to about 125 Megabytes Gbps (note lowercase "b", "p", and "s")=Gigabits per second
I have this problem with my computer. Every time I try to run a program, a succession of pictures in the following come up:
Ork warboss 3872 pictures of Ork boyz in quick succession Ork nobz
Then the computer gets a Blue Screen of Death with the code "FETH_U_TFG_PLAY_ORKS" and STOP error code 0x173467321476C32789777643T732V73117888732476789764376L. The computer restarts, but then, when I open a program, such as IE (version 11), I get the pictures and the Blue Screen of Death. I can only operate to some degree in Safe Mode with Networking. Can you help? I have this 9001 page paper due tomorrow.
I have this problem with my computer. Every time I try to run a program, a succession of pictures in the following come up:
Ork warboss 3872 pictures of Ork boyz in quick succession Ork nobz
Then the computer gets a Blue Screen of Death with the code "FETH_U_TFG_PLAY_ORKS" and STOP error code 0x173467321476C32789777643T732V73117888732476789764376L. The computer restarts, but then, when I open a program, such as IE (version 11), I get the pictures and the Blue Screen of Death. I can only operate to some degree in Safe Mode with Networking. Can you help? I have this 9001 page paper due tomorrow.
Thanks,
Computer Geek
Dear Cogitator Dork,
Uhhh ... to be honest I stopped following tech developments back in M31. Try calling the IT guys over on Mars. I would be sure to have some ritual incense ready to burn, that's always the first thing they suggest.
Technologically indifferent,
IMPERATOR OMNIPOTENS
- - - - -
Blind Idiot Pretender to Divinity,
I have a friend, well, it's me really, or part of me, my other head, you know how I have that condition, anyway the other head wants to ask out a certain daemonette but he says he has foreseen that she will reject him. But I have foreseen that she will say yes. The trouble is, we don't remember which one of us is the liar or maybe we never knew. Anyhow can your feeble mortal mind approximate a solution?
I have a friend, well, it's me really, or part of me, my other head, you know how I have that condition, anyway the other head wants to ask out a certain daemonette but he says he has foreseen that she will reject him. But I have foreseen that she will say yes. The trouble is, we don't remember which one of us is the liar or maybe we never knew. Anyhow can your feeble mortal mind approximate a solution?
Contradictably,
Kairos Fateweaver
Dear Kairos,
My-oh-my this is so easy. You should wait and see what happens. It's what I did a while ago, and what I sometimes still do today.
Do you mind if I call you Jimmy? Well Jimmy, what does the fact that I am answering letters from peons called Jimmy tell you about how much free time I have these days? I'm boooooored. So yeah, I do miss those little jerks. If you ever get lucky enough to have kids, just keep in mind that they grow up and betray you in the blink of an eye. And then do they ever write or call? You can forget about any of the ungrateful bastards bothering to come and visit.
Get off my space lawn,
IMPERATOR OMNIPOTENS
- - - - -
Deehr Heemporhor,
Hwych hwan ees yoohor fayforeet Kayhoss Gowd? Hwee liek theem awll. Hwee coodeent heefen chews hif hwee hweer forst. Ees eet thee saym fhor hyoo? Kayhoss ees sooo awssum.
Tzeentch. He's not always a complete world-ending dick. Khorne ate my favorite dog, Nurgle gave my wife a bacterial hysterectomy, and Slaanesh keeps sending me excessive amounts of chocolate in the mail.
-Emperor
----------------------
When I try to read the label on my hard drive, it just renders in my brain as Od'obod fhtagn Nyarlathotep gyar'dhlal, mgah'ai o'shan, so I'm afraid that I can't give you that info. Also, there is now an eye on my hip. I'm not sure if that's supposed to be there or not. Your advice?
-Whateley
When I try to read the label on my hard drive, it just renders in my brain as Od'obod fhtagn Nyarlathotep gyar'dhlal, mgah'ai o'shan, so I'm afraid that I can't give you that info. Also, there is now an eye on my hip. I'm not sure if that's supposed to be there or not. Your advice? -Whateley
Dear Whateley,
Enclosed is your hard drive.
Spoiler:
It is a 15TB SSD (solid state drive), and will hold all the data you could possibly want. It has no moving parts, and even comes with 16GB RAM. I hope you enjoy it.
I've been using Chrome for 37,985 years already, you're late.
-Emperor
---------------------
I inserted that hard drive, and my computer straight up fethin' exploded. My pet lizard is dead, and I'm bleeding. I have a feeling this requires stitches.
Anyway, all this experiment revealed is that I need a warded hard drive to store all of my data. Information that makes things catch fire if it's read out loud needs better information security.
Addendum: Some men in black tactical gear showed up at my door, and were eaten by a Shoggoth. Are they important?
-Whateley
I wad at work today and it came to me, why do we cover everything in skulls?
Seriously? Even the skulls have skulls
Ps also what's with the rivets?
Dear Random Person,
We are the imperium. Skulls are our specialty. So are rivets.
Regards,
Das emp
-------------------------------
Dear Emperor,
Windows failed to start. A recent hardware or software change might be the cause. To fix the problem:
1. Insert your Windows Installation Disk and restart your computer
2. Choose your language settings, and then click "next"
3. Click "repair your computer"
If you do not have this disk, please contact your system admin or computer manufacturer for assistance.
You can do nothing with Windows 98, for it is an abomination against the Machine. Please fast-forward to the 41st Millenium and report to the nearest AdMech Outpost for immediate purging.
Regards,
Emp
-------------------------
Dear Space Emperor,
Have you heard of the R.O.U.S's (Rodents of Unusual Size)? My friend claims that they exist, but I'm not too sure, so I'm seeking out the opinions of others.
Have you heard of the R.O.U.S's (Rodents of Unusual Size)? My friend claims that they exist, but I'm not too sure, so I'm seeking out the opinions of others.
Regards,
Dread Pirate Roberts
Dear Mr. Roberts,
I have never heard of them. But that doesn't mean they don't exist.
Regards,
Das emp
----------------------------------
Dear emperor,
I am considering selling all of my 28m scale 40k stuff, in favour of purchasing some stuff to begin playing Maelstrom's Edge.
I am, however, going to keep and expand my 6mm scale Imperial Guard and Tyranid armies.
I am considering selling all of my 28m scale 40k stuff, in favour of purchasing some stuff to begin playing Maelstrom's Edge.
I am, however, going to keep and expand my 6mm scale Imperial Guard and Tyranid armies.
What are your opinions on this?
Regards,
A disillusioned 40k player.
Dear disillusioned,
I that you should keep all of it. And play Maelstrom's edge.
Regards,
Das emp
----------------------------------------------
Dear emperor,
I'm the republican nominee! And I will beat everyone else! Even Hillary Clinton!
I am considering selling all of my 28m scale 40k stuff, in favour of purchasing some stuff to begin playing Maelstrom's Edge.
I am, however, going to keep and expand my 6mm scale Imperial Guard and Tyranid armies.
What are your opinions on this?
Regards,
A disillusioned 40k player.
Dear disillusioned,
I that you should keep all of it. And play Maelstrom's edge.
Regards,
Das emp
----------------------------------------------
Dear emperor,
I'm the republican nominee! And I will beat everyone else! Even Hillary Clinton!
Please endorse me!
-Donald J Trump
Dear Donald J Trump,
I shall endorse you for your comedy surname and the fact you were in Home Alone 2, surely the great Christmas film of the second millennium - indeed for all time, as I abolished Christmas at some point!
Also, please don't use your middle initial. I know Americans think it makes them look hard but the rest of my illustrious cosmos thinks it is silly.
Go forth and burn the heretics! And as we both know, anyone who gets in our way is a heretic. In fact just burn everyone and save the galaxy some bother.
Love and hugs
The Space Emporer (why are we spelling my name the way Orks do?)
------------
Dear Emporer,
My ex girlfriend was being such a psycho I sent her a text message simply saying DIE. (True story, folks!) My question is, should I also send her the picture of a unicorn urinating a rainbow and saying "F*** YOUR NEGATIVITY" or will my text get the message across?
My ex girlfriend was being such a psycho I sent her a text message simply saying DIE. (True story, folks!) My question is, should I also send her the picture of a unicorn urinating a rainbow and saying "F*** YOUR NEGATIVITY" or will my text get the message across?
Dear Sir,
You should apologize immediately. And tell her that Big E sends his regards,
Regards,
The Space Emperor,
---------------------------------------------
Dear emp,
I really think you should play this game. It's called Election '92. Here's the promo cover.
In this game, there are the three candidates in the 1992 presidential election: Bill Clinton (Democrat), George Herbert Walker Bush (Republican), and Ross Perot (Independent). It was originally on Windows 3.1, but recently, the Internet Archive put some Windows 3.1 games on their website, and I was able to get Election '92 to run on a Windows 98SE Virtual Machine.
In this game, you throw pies on two candidates (the candidate with no pies thrown on him is the one who will become president).
For example, you want Ross Perot to become president. You throw pies on Clinton and Bush, but not on Ross Perot. However, you have to be quick about clicking on the candidates you want to throw pies on.
If you do not throw pies on any candidate, then Congress will decide who is president.
Citizen from 2016,
Due to a catastrophic hard drive failure, we have lost all of our data about any form of election. In addition, everything smells yellow now.
-Emperor
Emperor,
What is the most useless chemical compound, known or unknown to man?
-V
Emperor,
What is the most useless chemical compound, known or unknown to man?
-V
Dear V,
I think the most useless chemical compound is unknown to man. I call it Baznga. Mix of Barium, Zinc, and Gallium. It's so useless, we have a room full of it, and we never use it.
Regards,
Das emp
--------------------------------------
Dear Emperor,
I am Locutus of Borg. Resistance is Futile. Your life as it has been is over. From this time forward, you will service us.
You underestimate my true power. Prepare to be purged by the Space Marines
Regards,
Emp
---------------------------------
Dear Space Emperor,
So the survivors of Boringstein have settled into our new home on Dullville IV, but we were wondering, what's the best way to inform the Exodites that live here that they're about to get purged?
So the survivors of Boringstein have settled into our new home on Dullville IV, but we were wondering, what's the best way to inform the Exodites that live here that they're about to get purged?
Regards,
Arbite Bob
Dear Bob,
I'll send some SPESS MAHREENS to purge 'em for ya. I'll tell the SPESS MAHREENS not to touch you.
Also, what happened in Boringstein? I was afraid everyone had died.
Regards,
Das emp
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Emperor,
I am Q. I am part of the Q continuum, which possesses infinite power, more powerful than you will ever be, or have been, or are now. Our power level is Infinity, while yours is only 908,675,123,456,789.
If you wish, I can change you back into the person you were before the Heresy. It doesn't matter what you say, I'll still do it. And no amount of purging can erase the continuum.
I am Q. I am part of the Q continuum, which possesses infinite power, more powerful than you will ever be, or have been, or are now. Our power level is Infinity, while yours is only 908,675,123,456,789.
If you wish, I can change you back into the person you were before the Heresy. It doesn't matter what you say, I'll still do it. And no amount of purging can erase the continuum.
Regards,
Q from Star Trek
Dear Trekker,
I'm just assuming you're a Trekker because you seem ... really into it. I'm more of a Trekkie myself, I guess. But let's face it Star Wars is the better franchise.
Live Long and Whatever,
IMPERATOR OMNIPOTENS
- - - - -
Dear Emperor,
I have to get this off my black carapace. Sometimes when I stomp off into battle screaming "for the Emperor" ... I'm actually thinking of someone else. I just think honesty is the best policy. I hope this will not negatively impact our relationship.
I have to get this off my black carapace. Sometimes when I stomp off into battle screaming "for the Emperor" ... I'm actually thinking of someone else. I just think honesty is the best policy. I hope this will not negatively impact our relationship.
Love,
Gabriel Angelos
Dear Gabriel Angelos,
Sometimes, being honest is good, other times, not so much. You can be honest with me anytime you want. It will not negativley impact our relationship.
Looking at childbirth is a form of heresy. Please report yourself to the nearest Inquisition outpost, or the local equivalent of such in your town. Fear not though, you can still be redeemed, through extreme pain
Really? Was that that little flashlight that hit me a few minutes ago? I must say I am not impressed, I recommend going away and coming back when you have a REAL weapon
Regards,
Emp
-------------------------------------
Dear Mr. Fancy Pants,
My name is Saxton Hale, CEO of Mann Co. AND THE MAN WHO'S GOING TO BURN THIS PLACE TO THE GROUND!
I support none of those people, as their rise led to the Civil War of 2023. I'd get out now while you still can
Regards,
Emp
-----------------------------------
Dear Space Emperor,
I have a problem. You see, every time I try to talk to Miss Pauling I just end up tripping over my words and looking like a complete twit. So far she doesn't seem to care that I stutter, but I know that I'm not impressing her like this. What should I do?
I have a problem. You see, every time I try to talk to Miss Pauling I just end up tripping over my words and looking like a complete twit. So far she doesn't seem to care that I stutter, but I know that I'm not impressing her like this. What should I do?
Regards,
The Red Scout
Dear Red Scout,
Try practicing with a friend. Then, when you've practiced enough, then try talking to her again.
Regards,
Das emp
------------------------------------
Dear Emperor,
HS Student,
I wouldn't know. All of that drama and bs is behind me. I try not to think about it.
-Emperor
----------------------
Entity designated Emperor of Mankind,
CEASE AND DESIST.
We have detected a copyright violation in your underlying concept. Each demo-level civilization is only allowed one (1) transcendental being. You have surpassed this limit seventy times. Please purchase a license to unlock more transcendental-level characters. Please say "Stell'bsnaor p'shugg ch'ai grahn'n uaaah" to summon a legal. associate.
CEASE AND DESIST.
We have detected a copyright violation in your underlying concept. Each demo-level civilization is only allowed one (1) transcendental being. You have surpassed this limit seventy times. Please purchase a license to unlock more transcendental-level characters. Please say "Stell'bsnaor p'shugg ch'ai grahn'n uaaah" to summon a legal. associate.
-Yog-Sothoth
Dear Yog-Sothoth,
Prepare to be purged for that heresy. Copyright is no longer an issue in my time frame.
Regards,
Das emp
----------------------------------
Dear Emperor,
I have come back from the dead. I am gathering an army of Teenage girls, led by Rick Astley, Mr. Trololol, Rebecca Black, and Numa Numa Guy. This time, nobody will stop me, as I am part human and part android. The attack begins in half an hour.
I've had plenty of time over the last 10,000 years to develop some new interests. Like how right now I'm playing 20,000 games of chess simultaneously with Tzeentch, and while I'm doing that I'm also playing a mean game of Solitaire. I manage to keep myself entertained.
Regards,
Das Emp.
----------------------------------
Dear Space Emperor,
What is the meaning of life? My friend says it's to spill blood for the blood god, but I'm not too sure. Then again, my friend has said a lot of weird stuff lately, so I should probably go report him to the Arbites.
What is the meaning of life? My friend says it's to spill blood for the blood god, but I'm not too sure. Then again, my friend has said a lot of weird stuff lately, so I should probably go report him to the Arbites.
Signed,
Anonymous
Dear Anon,
Worrying about such menial conundrums is fruitless. Seek comfort in the immortal words of Commissar Colonel Ferris Beulleris, "Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it."
Keep it real and oil that Boltgun,
Owner/Operator of of the GT
You could not find me in the second millennium, because I was being all sneaky like back then
Regards,
Space Emperor.
------------------------------
Dear Space Emperor,
I'm fairly certain my girlfriend is a Slaneeshi cultist. She's always wanting to do weird things in the bedroom (and I mean REALLY weird stuff), and just last week she sacrificed our pet cat, and claimed she had done it to bring us good luck in the new year. What should I do?
I suggest you inform the inquisition. They have test for this sort of thing.
Or at least that is what i am told.
Regards,
The Emperor
--------------------------------------------
Dear Friend;
This message has been sent to you by a friend or a relative who has recently
disappeared along with millions and millions of people around the world.
The reason they chose to send you this letter is because they cared about you
and would like you to know the truth about where they went.
This may come as a shock to you, but the one who sent you this has been taken
up to heaven.
If you read a Bible, you will see that after chapter three in the book of Revelation,
the church is no longer mentioned as being on earth. (The church are the believers
in Jesus Christ, not the buildings in which people meet.)
In the Bible, 1 Thessalonians Chapter 4 verses 16 and 17 tell how Jesus came
to take away His church. But, you have to believe the Bible is the Word of
God in order to believe this.
I am sure that there will be a lot of speculation as to what happened to all
these people. The theories of some scientists and world leaders will have
so much credibility that most of the world will believe them.
It will sound like the truth!
But, there is only one truth. And, that truth is that Jesus Christ, God in the flesh,
came back to earth and took with Him to Heaven all who believed in Him
and made Him their Lord.
If you would like to give your life to Jesus Christ and be born again, it is
not too late. First you must pray to God saying"Father I admit I am a
sinner, and I will turn from my sin and do good. I believe that Jesus was
your son and that He came here to die for me so that my sins would be
forgiven. I ask you to forgive me and I will repent of my sins. In Jesus
name I pray."
If you just prayed that prayer and meant it with all your heart, then God
will know you as one of His own. You should now seek out others who have
also given their lives to Christ, read a Bible daily, and do your best to
bring others to Christ.
This message has been sent to you by a friend or a relative who has recently
disappeared along with millions and millions of people around the world.
The reason they chose to send you this letter is because they cared about you
and would like you to know the truth about where they went.
This may come as a shock to you, but the one who sent you this has been taken
up to heaven.
If you read a Bible, you will see that after chapter three in the book of Revelation,
the church is no longer mentioned as being on earth. (The church are the believers
in Jesus Christ, not the buildings in which people meet.)
In the Bible, 1 Thessalonians Chapter 4 verses 16 and 17 tell how Jesus came
to take away His church. But, you have to believe the Bible is the Word of
God in order to believe this.
I am sure that there will be a lot of speculation as to what happened to all
these people. The theories of some scientists and world leaders will have
so much credibility that most of the world will believe them.
It will sound like the truth!
But, there is only one truth. And, that truth is that Jesus Christ, God in the flesh,
came back to earth and took with Him to Heaven all who believed in Him
and made Him their Lord.
If you would like to give your life to Jesus Christ and be born again, it is
not too late. First you must pray to God saying"Father I admit I am a
sinner, and I will turn from my sin and do good. I believe that Jesus was
your son and that He came here to die for me so that my sins would be
forgiven. I ask you to forgive me and I will repent of my sins. In Jesus
name I pray."
If you just prayed that prayer and meant it with all your heart, then God
will know you as one of His own. You should now seek out others who have
also given their lives to Christ, read a Bible daily, and do your best to
bring others to Christ.
God bless you.
A rapture believing Christian.
Dear Christian,
Aren't you aware that Christianity was abolished before the Heresy? Maybe you should get your head checked.
Regards,
Das emp
-------------------------------------------------------
Dear Emperor,
Help!! We're being attacked by Tyranids!! They're about to eat what's left of our world!! We're stuck at the south pole!! Can you send us some Space Marines to help??
Help!! We're being attacked by Tyranids!! They're about to eat what's left of our world!! We're stuck at the south pole!! Can you send us some Space Marines to help??
Regards,
The Planet Lorn IV
Hm... I have considered your request, - into oblivion. Why would I risk losing any amount of a people that make up less then a microscopic fraction out of you guys, when I have like a gazillion times more of you?!
Best of luck,
Da E-Man
--------
Dear spess empurer;
I baekd you a caek. Can you cum 2 my hous n eet it?
I am unable to come to your house as I am as stated many times an unmovable husk of my former self, bound to this infernal contraption.
I would suggest you share it with your loved ones since the universe is an awfull dangerous and unforgiving place.
You never now when something like Orks or Tyranids will come to your planet and eat them.
Regards,
The Emperor.
-----------------------------------------
Dear God Emperor,
Each year, the Geneva International Centre for Humanitarian Demining (GICHD) organises a briefing for the newly arrived diplomats in Geneva.
It discusses mine action and introduces the Centre’s activities as well as the different Conventions relevant for mine action. I would like to invite you or members of your staff (including any staff visiting from capitals) to the next introductory briefing taking place on: 12 November 2016, 13:15–14:45. At the Geneva International Centre for Humanitarian Demining, Maison de la Paix –6th Floor –Chemin Eugène-Rigot 2C, Geneva.
The briefing will provide an overview of landmine and other explosive remnants of war issues and outline the resources available to support your work with the related Conventions. It is designed mainly for newly arrived diplomatic staff in Geneva and those who cover this topic as part of their work.
A copy of the agenda is attached.Please confirm your participation with Ms. Anita Cadonau by 7 November 2015.
I look forward to meeting you or representatives of your Mission or delegation.
Sincerely yours,
Each year, the Geneva International Centre for Humanitarian Demining (GICHD) organises a briefing for the newly arrived diplomats in Geneva.
It discusses mine action and introduces the Centre’s activities as well as the different Conventions relevant for mine action. I would like to invite you or members of your staff (including any staff visiting from capitals) to the next introductory briefing taking place on: 12 November 2016, 13:15–14:45. At the Geneva International Centre for Humanitarian Demining, Maison de la Paix –6th Floor –Chemin Eugène-Rigot 2C, Geneva.
The briefing will provide an overview of landmine and other explosive remnants of war issues and outline the resources available to support your work with the related Conventions. It is designed mainly for newly arrived diplomatic staff in Geneva and those who cover this topic as part of their work.
A copy of the agenda is attached.Please confirm your participation with Ms. Anita Cadonau by 7 November 2015.
I look forward to meeting you or representatives of your Mission or delegation.
Sincerely yours,
THE DIRECTOR
Stefano Toscano
Ambassador
Dear Stefano,
I am unable to make an appearance, as I am on a throne, and cannot move. However, I will send my Admech over, and they will represent me.
Regards,
Das emp
-----------------------------------------------
Dear Emperor,
If the Primarchs were politicians, what political issues would they support? I think they would support Gun Rights by default. What about you?
Most of my sons would whole-heartedly support gun rights, and in addition they would also support most of the policies of this Donald Trump fellow. He seems to know what he's doing.
Signed,
Emp
-----------------------------------------------
Dear Space Emperor,
I have a question for you. If you get an itchy spot on your body, how do you scratch it given that you haven't moved at all in the last 10,000 years?
I have a question for you. If you get an itchy spot on your body, how do you scratch it given that you haven't moved at all in the last 10,000 years?
Signed,
Arbite Bob
Dear Arbite Bob,
I actually don't feel things. I mean, for all I know, I could have 700 billion itches all over my body and I don't know it. Does that answer your question?
Also, what happened in Boringstein? I have received conflicting reports.
Regards,
Das emp
--------------------------------------------
Dear Empys,
I think the demons from Boringstein have followed me to my new home. There are currently a bunch of daemonettes outside in my backyard, and they appear to be torturing my neighbor. What should I do?
I think the demons from Boringstein have followed me to my new home. There are currently a bunch of daemonettes outside in my backyard, and they appear to be torturing my neighbor. What should I do?
Regards,
Arbite Bob.
Dear Bob,
I'm sending some SPESS MAHREENS. They'll be there in 40 minutes.
Regards,
Das emp
---------------------------------------------
Dear Space Emperor,
Is there a warp storm going on in Arizona right now? It's really hot here.
I highly doubt there's a warp storm going on near your home. If there was a demon would be using your skull as a chamber pot, not to mention what they'd be doing to your soul....
I deal with haters by purging them. You should do the same.
Regards,
Das emp
---------------------
Dear emperor,
You probably won't believe me, but sometimes when I'm bored, I get wrapped up in my tutu, put a giant horn on my head, lather sparkles all over myself and prance around the kitchen pretending I'm a magical unicorn!
To stop the Chaos corruption of your body and Soul. I would suggest fire.
Lots and lots of fire. Burn yourself until you feel pure again or die, whichever comes first.
Ask a local priest or Inquisitor for more tips of living a Chaos free live and what to do when you suspect your neighbor might be a cultist.
Holy Regards,
The Emperor.
--------------------------------------------
Dear Emperor,
The ether is wearing off. The acid has long gone. But the mescaline is running strong.
Good mescaline comes on slow. The first hour is all waiting.
Then about halfway through the second hour, you start cursing the creep who burned you because nothing's happening. And then...
ZANG!
The ether is wearing off. The acid has long gone. But the mescaline is running strong.
Good mescaline comes on slow. The first hour is all waiting.
Then about halfway through the second hour, you start cursing the creep who burned you because nothing's happening. And then...
ZANG!
Dear Random Person,
Please don't spam me. I have no idea what you are talking about.
Regards,
Das emp
--------------------------------
Dear Emps,
How many Adeptus Astartes are there in the entire imperium?
How many Adeptus Astartes are there in the entire imperium?
Regards,
Citizen from 2016
Hmm that's a very good question. Remind which ones are the Adeptus Astartes are they the Judge Dredd rip offs, the Imperial Storm Trooper rip offs or the Dune Sardaukar rip offs? Whose idea was it to give everyone there pseduo latin names anyway? I mean have you looked at the Adepus Mech army list, how do you even pronounce some of those names?
What's that?
Thank you Zombified Corpse of Malcador the Sigilite, apparently they're the guys with the absurd shoulder pads. What was I thinking when I made those anyway? Did I like think they have some kind of vital organs in their shoulders?
Anyway there's 42 of them. Sometimes you might think you see more, but that's because they are very fast.
Love
The Emp
***************************************
Dear Mr/Ms THE SPACE EMPORER
Are you tired of staring at the same four walls?
Sick of slaving away for a boss who doesn't appreciate you?
Do you want a change?
Then Peppy Pete's Pleasure Pilgrimage is what you are looking for!
Our seven day/six night Pleasure Pilgrimage includes a trip to the exotic beaches of Ventura VI where the native women are waiting to serve your every need. And your every want!
It also includes an overnight stay at Mistress Domina's Home of Naughty, Naughty School Girls Who Must be Punished. This stay can be extended to two, three or even four nights for a small fee.
And for the ladies we have a visit for Marshal Mike's Military Academy filled to the brim with fit, young cadets denied any female companionship for months at a time.
Best of all, there will be brief, 15 minute, stop at the Shrine of Phil: Teh Space Emporer's Second Cousin which means your entire trip counts as a Pilgrimage for tax and leave purposes.
So don't wait! Send your non-refundable deposit of 1000 Starbucks right away to reserve your spot!
Sincerely,
Peppy Pete
(Peppy Pete's Pleasure Pilgrimages is a wholly-owned subsidiary of Omnicorp Enterprises Inc. Omnicorp Enterprises Inc takes no responsibility for social diseases contracted on on Peppy Pete Pleasure Pilgrimage)
Sick of slaving away for a boss who doesn't appreciate you?
Do you want a change?
Then Peppy Pete's Pleasure Pilgrimage is what you are looking for!
Our seven day/six night Pleasure Pilgrimage includes a trip to the exotic beaches of Ventura VI where the native women are waiting to serve your every need. And your every want!
It also includes an overnight stay at Mistress Domina's Home of Naughty, Naughty School Girls Who Must be Punished. This stay can be extended to two, three or even four nights for a small fee.
And for the ladies we have a visit for Marshal Mike's Military Academy filled to the brim with fit, young cadets denied any female companionship for months at a time.
Best of all, there will be brief, 15 minute, stop at the Shrine of Phil: Teh Space Emporer's Second Cousin which means your entire trip counts as a Pilgrimage for tax and leave purposes.
So don't wait! Send your non-refundable deposit of 1000 Starbucks right away to reserve your spot!
Sincerely,
Peppy Pete
(Peppy Pete's Pleasure Pilgrimages is a wholly-owned subsidiary of Omnicorp Enterprises Inc. Omnicorp Enterprises Inc takes no responsibility for social diseases contracted on on Peppy Pete Pleasure Pilgrimage)
Dear Peppy Pete,
I have told people this multiple times: I am immobile on a golden throne, so I cannot go to your resort. However, I will send Second Lieutenant Mira to take my place.
Regards,
Das emp --------------------------------------------- To: Teh Space Emporer <dasemp@41stmillenium.com> From: National Weather Service <webmaster@nws.noaa.gov> Subject: Severe Thunderstorm Warning
...SEVERE THUNDERSTORM WARNING IN EFFECT UNTIL JULY 7TH, 2016 AT 9:00AM...
HAZARD: 60MPH WIND GUSTS
SOURCE: RADAR INDICATED
IMPACT: EXPECT DAMAGE TO ROOFS, SIDING AND TREES. YOUR PALACE MAY BE DAMAGED, AND POWER CUT TO YOUR GOLDEN THRONE.
LOCATIONS IMPACTED INCLUDE: NORTH PALACE, NORTH CENTRAL PALACE, FAR NORTH PALACE, EXTREME NORTH PALACE
PRECAUTIONARY/PREPAREDNESS ACTIONS
YOUR ADMECH, SPACE MARINES, AND IMPERIAL GUARD SHOULD GET INSIDE
To: Teh Space Emporer <dasemp@41stmillenium.com>
From: National Weather Service <webmaster@nws.noaa.gov>
Subject: Severe Thunderstorm Warning
...SEVERE THUNDERSTORM WARNING IN EFFECT UNTIL JULY 7TH, 2016 AT 9:00AM...
HAZARD: 60MPH WIND GUSTS
SOURCE: RADAR INDICATED
IMPACT: EXPECT DAMAGE TO ROOFS, SIDING AND TREES. YOUR PALACE MAY BE DAMAGED, AND POWER CUT TO YOUR GOLDEN THRONE.
LOCATIONS IMPACTED INCLUDE: NORTH PALACE, NORTH CENTRAL PALACE, FAR NORTH PALACE, EXTREME NORTH PALACE
PRECAUTIONARY/PREPAREDNESS ACTIONS
YOUR ADMECH, SPACE MARINES, AND IMPERIAL GUARD SHOULD GET INSIDE
-Forecaster JM
Dear Mr Forecaster
As you might imagine it gets a little dull sitting here on my throne staring at the same four walls all day long with nothing to do but watch the Custodeus and the Sisters of Silence conduct their neekid mud wrestling matches, so I do love to get letters.
That being said you did not ask a question.
Now I am sad.
Someone please send an assassin, or even better one of those all-star four assassin team up things, and kill this man who made me sad.
For many light years I have been conducting excavations along the ancient border between the lost Empire of Murica, and it ancient enemy, Evil Taco Drug Lord Land.
Recently I discovered what I believe to be ruins of the Yuge Wall of Murica, built long ago to keep out Drug Dealing Rapists Who Aren't the Best People.
I found an inscription there, five letters each half a mile high in neon lights T-R-[illegible]-M-P and am puzzles as to what they might mean.
My colleague believes they spelled out a word in the ancient language of the Muricans, Tramp, a word meaning a homeless vagrant. He theorized they wrote that word on the Yuge Wall to warn away homeless vagrants.
However I believe it was meant to spell out the names of some of the greatest heroes of Murica: Tim Allen, Ricky Martin, Mario Puzo and Pauly Shore. But that leaves me wondering who the middle letter might represent.
Do you know the secret of this mysterious inscription?
To: Teh Space Emporer <dasemp@41stmillenium.com>
From: National Weather Service <webmaster@nws.noaa.gov>
Subject: Severe Thunderstorm Warning
...SEVERE THUNDERSTORM WARNING IN EFFECT UNTIL JULY 7TH, 2016 AT 9:00AM...
HAZARD: 60MPH WIND GUSTS
SOURCE: RADAR INDICATED
IMPACT: EXPECT DAMAGE TO ROOFS, SIDING AND TREES. YOUR PALACE MAY BE DAMAGED, AND POWER CUT TO YOUR GOLDEN THRONE.
LOCATIONS IMPACTED INCLUDE: NORTH PALACE, NORTH CENTRAL PALACE, FAR NORTH PALACE, EXTREME NORTH PALACE
PRECAUTIONARY/PREPAREDNESS ACTIONS
YOUR ADMECH, SPACE MARINES, AND IMPERIAL GUARD SHOULD GET INSIDE
-Forecaster JM
Dear Mr Forecaster
As you might imagine it gets a little dull sitting here on my throne staring at the same four walls all day long with nothing to do but watch the Custodeus and the Sisters of Silence conduct their neekid mud wrestling matches, so I do love to get letters.
That being said you did not ask a question.
Now I am sad.
Someone please send an assassin, or even better one of those all-star four assassin team up things, and kill this man who made me sad.
For many light years I have been conducting excavations along the ancient border between the lost Empire of Murica, and it ancient enemy, Evil Taco Drug Lord Land.
Recently I discovered what I believe to be ruins of the Yuge Wall of Murica, built long ago to keep out Drug Dealing Rapists Who Aren't the Best People.
I found an inscription there, five letters each half a mile high in neon lights T-R-[illegible]-M-P and am puzzles as to what they might mean.
My colleague believes they spelled out a word in the ancient language of the Muricans, Tramp, a word meaning a homeless vagrant. He theorized they wrote that word on the Yuge Wall to warn away homeless vagrants.
However I believe it was meant to spell out the names of some of the greatest heroes of Murica: Tim Allen, Ricky Martin, Mario Puzo and Pauly Shore. But that leaves me wondering who the middle letter might represent.
Do you know the secret of this mysterious inscription?
Sincerely
Doctor Dust O. DiAges, Archeologist
Dear Dr. Dust,
In 2016, Donald Trump ran for president. The T-R-[illegible]-M-P you see does not say Tramp, it says Trump. Donald Trump was president of the USA from 2017-2021, built a wall in 2018, and then mysteriously disappeared before the year 2022. It is unknown where he went, but my best guess is that he was sucked into the Warp.
As for your actual question: Tim Allen, Ricky Martin, Mario Puzo, and Pauly Shore were not heroes of this place you call Murica (aka America or USA), they were part of the "I love the USA fan club". The fan club was comprised of politicians, which Tim, Ricky, Mario and Pauly were, however, politics were reformed in the year 2100.
A little about the political reforms of 2100:
They completely redid the political parties
Democrats were replaced with Loyalists
Republicans were replaced with Traitors
The third parties ceased to exist
The electoral college was eliminated
Recounts were eliminated
Presidents are elected by a direct popular vote
I hope I helped. Take it easy,
Das emp
-----------------------------------------
Dear Emps,
Ah good ole Usa, I remember it well. There was this pretzel stand in the Mall of Usa that just had the best salty pretzels. It's been like 38,000 years and I haven't found a pretzel nearly as good.
Anyway, little known fact, but Usa only ever had one Prez, and that was me.
Every 4-8 years I'd just use my Emporer Shape Shifting Power to assume a new identity. Except during the 30s and 40s when I kind of forgot to do it for a few years.
So yeah, Prez Calvin Collage, that was me. Prez George HW Bush that was me. Prez George W Bush that was me too. Felt kind of guilty about reusing a name but I was really stuck for ideas and no one seem to care that much. So after that I morphed into Prez Barrack Obama, and I admit that was just me pulling random letters out of a hat to get a name, like I said I kind of got stuck. Then it was... aw geeze it was so long ago... I think used the Clinton name again, but morphed into a woman so it wouldn't as obvious. Then it was the Bush Twins (using my Emporer Duplication Power to become co-presidents), then Chelsea, then Malia, and by then Washington was under 10' of water and it was like 120 degrees all the time so I just gave up and became Arch-Emporer of Canada.
My Great and Glorious Big Mac Daddy King Emprah of all things Epic and Awesome, I ask you a humble question:
Why does everyone hate the beastmen? I mean, YOU did say they were Imperial citizens of your great Imperium, and were to be granted all the rights of pure-blooded humans.
So why does every space marine and his primarch hate them? I find that to be counter intuitive. Also, why are your custodes all half naked? Wouldn't it make more sense to have them fully armoured?
We hate them because they smell terrible. Imagine a wet dog combined with a skunks spray. Truly horrendous.
Regards,
Das Emp
----------------------
Dear Space Emperor.
I find myself in the difficult position of having to decide on my next hobby project, and I need advice. I am stuck between Eldar and Blood Ravens. What should I do?
I find myself in the difficult position of having to decide on my next hobby project, and I need advice. I am stuck between Eldar and Blood Ravens. What should I do?
Regards,
Confused
Dear Confused,
I know how you feel, many the time I have hesitated between creating a new Imperial Guard regiment or issuing Sisters of Battle some plasti-steel armor like I promised 10 or 15 years ago. Usually I just follow my heart and create a new Space Marine chapter. Or just give a new flier to an existing chapter.
Yours,
TSE
-----------------------------------
Dear the Space Emporer,
So like the other day I rogue trading on Space France, y'know sell them some Jerry Lewis DVDs and soap, buying some wine and stinky cheese and then all of the sudden the King of Space France, King Space Francis III walks in and he's all like "Yo Rogue Randy what's up?"
And I'm all like "Y'now, buying some cheese, selling some soap, same old same old."
And he's all like "You gotta come by and we'll have some brewskis and watch the game". So I come on by.
Now here's the thing, when I came by I only brought domestic beer, not imported. Now thinking about this, it was a dumb move seeing as I have a whole fridge of imported beer. Now King Space Francis III, he's a cool guy and he didn't say nothing, but I felt bad about it. Do you think I should like send him a case of good Space German Beer, or just let the matter lie?
So like the other day I rogue trading on Space France, y'know sell them some Jerry Lewis DVDs and soap, buying some wine and stinky cheese and then all of the sudden the King of Space France, King Space Francis III walks in and he's all like "Yo Rogue Randy what's up?"
And I'm all like "Y'now, buying some cheese, selling some soap, same old same old."
And he's all like "You gotta come by and we'll have some brewskis and watch the game". So I come on by.
Now here's the thing, when I came by I only brought domestic beer, not imported. Now thinking about this, it was a dumb move seeing as I have a whole fridge of imported beer. Now King Space Francis III, he's a cool guy and he didn't say nothing, but I felt bad about it. Do you think I should like send him a case of good Space German Beer, or just let the matter lie?
Sincerely
Rogue Randy the Rogue Trader
Dear Randy,
I think you should send him some Space German Beer. Tell him that Teh Space Emporer sends his regards.
Regards,
Teh Space Emporer
------------------------------------------------------
Dear Empys,
Could you PLEASE use your powers of weather control to make it cooler here in the Midwest? It feels very hot here, and I get the feeling a Warp Storm may fire here. We've got family pictures in 110F heat indices tomorrow, at 530PM. I don't want to get heatstroke, and neither does the rest of my family.
I do not have weather control powers. Come to think of it I don't have many powers at all.
Thank you for reminding me of that. Flog yourself and your family for making me day all depressed and dreary.
Ungratefull little cretin.
----------------------------------------
Oh, most magnificent and merciful majesty, master of the universe, protector of the meek, whose nose we are not worthy to pick and whose very feces are an untrammelled delight, and whose peacocks keep us awake all hours of the night with their noisy lovemaking, we beseech thee, tell thy humble servants the name of the section between the triglyphs in the frieze section of a classical Doric entablature.
Oh, most magnificent and merciful majesty, master of the universe, protector of the meek, whose nose we are not worthy to pick and whose very feces are an untrammelled delight, and whose peacocks keep us awake all hours of the night with their noisy lovemaking, we beseech thee, tell thy humble servants the name of the section between the triglyphs in the frieze section of a classical Doric entablature.
Thank you for your wonderful suggestion. Per your advise I ordered the roast duck tonight (it's Sunday so I usually have meatloaf with a side order of 1000 willing souls) and wow, it was so tender, so flavorful, so delicate. I think I will break with 10,000 years of tradition and add it my regular Sunday menu.
Thanks again and best to your family
Space Emporer Teh
-----------------------------------
Dear the Space Emporer
So like the other day I was on Planet Space Italy rogue trading them some edible underwear and erotic cake products in exchange for some statues with halos on them and designer shoes when all of the sudden who should walk in but Space Pope Kitty Lee!
And I'm like 'whoa!'
But she's all like 'S'up Rogue Randy?'
And I'm all like 'Nothing much, nothing much, just rogue trading some edible underwear for some statues with halos on them.'
Then she's all like 'you should come over my place have some pizza and watch some Blood Futbol' (that's what they call Blood Bowl in Space Italy)
And I'm all like 'sure'.
So like when I show up at the Space Vatican naturally I bring along some buddies and a dozen or so members of the Intergalactic Belly Dancing Troupe, y'know for culture. But when they were doing the Dance of the One Really Long Veil I noticed that Space Pope Kitty Lee was looking a bit uncomfortable and suddenly I was thinking that she might not enjoy something like that what with her being Space Pope and everything. Now she didn't say nothing, in fact she blessed all the hard working girls in the Intergalactic Belly Dancing Troupe but I still felt bad.
Do you think I should send her some edible undergarments as an apology?
So like the other day I was on Planet Space Italy rogue trading them some edible underwear and erotic cake products in exchange for some statues with halos on them and designer shoes when all of the sudden who should walk in but Space Pope Kitty Lee!
And I'm like 'whoa!'
But she's all like 'S'up Rogue Randy?'
And I'm all like 'Nothing much, nothing much, just rogue trading some edible underwear for some statues with halos on them.'
Then she's all like 'you should come over my place have some pizza and watch some Blood Futbol' (that's what they call Blood Bowl in Space Italy)
And I'm all like 'sure'.
So like when I show up at the Space Vatican naturally I bring along some buddies and a dozen or so members of the Intergalactic Belly Dancing Troupe, y'know for culture. But when they were doing the Dance of the One Really Long Veil I noticed that Space Pope Kitty Lee was looking a bit uncomfortable and suddenly I was thinking that she might not enjoy something like that what with her being Space Pope and everything. Now she didn't say nothing, in fact she blessed all the hard working girls in the Intergalactic Belly Dancing Troupe but I still felt bad.
Do you think I should send her some edible undergarments as an apology?
Sincerely
Rogue Randy the Rogue Trader
Dear Randy,
No, I don't think you should send her undergarments, or any clothes at all. send her a box of chocolates, and tell her that Teh Space Emporer sends his regards.
-Teh Space Emporer
----------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Emperor,
What game should I play? I have the games on icivics.org (win the white house, argument wars), the following Dawn of War games:
What game should I play? I have the games on icivics.org (win the white house, argument wars), the following Dawn of War games:
Dark Crusade
Winter Assault
Soulstorm
and Goat Simulator.
Help please.
-Gamer
Dear Gamer, sitting here for the last 10,000 years (how the time flies) I've found that nothing quite soothes my nerves like a game of Sim City 2000 which I have to play on an emulator ever since the Custodeus "upgraded" my system to Windows 10.
I don't care if it's free! It's annoying to use!
But I love watching all the houses pop up in vacant lots, turn into apartment houses, then into high rises. It makes me feel like it's all worthwhile.
Then I go to the disaster menu and hit with simultaneous earthquakes, tornadoes and Godzillas. Show those little sims that there is no point, the galaxy is a cruel place and everything can be taken away at any moment.
Hey the other day I was rogue trading on Planet Space Greece, buying some priceless works of philosophy, arts and drama, selling them some nervous goats, when all of the sudden who comes in but Gerry Reiss! Philosopher King of Space Greece!
And he's all like 'Rogue Randy, what you up to?" And I'm all like "same old, same old, priceless works of philosophy, nervous goats, y'know."
And then he's all like "You gotta come by my place to watch some Space Greco-Space Roman Wrestling". And I'm all like "OK".
So head on over and invite my niece, Denise.
And let me tell you those Space Greeks were really into their Space Greco-Space Roman Wrestling. They just couldn't take their eyes off of the naked wrestlers, their lean bodies glittering with oil as they grappled and gripped each other. Some of them even took off their clothes and jumped in the arena to practice some holds with the manly taut wrestlers. But no one offered to Space Greco-Space Roman wrestle with Denise. It was all like boy-on-boy or boy-on-boy-on-boy-on-boy. So I felt bad.
Do you think I should apologize to Denise? Cause I should have realize this was more of a boys' night out thing.
You really should apologize to her, if you don't I promise you she'll find a way to make your life miserable for the foreseeable future. They never forget you know.
Regards,
Emp
----------------
Dear Space Emperor,
I know the End Times are coming and all, but could you get the remaining Loyalist Primarchs to show up a bit early? We kind of could use the help right now.
I know the End Times are coming and all, but could you get the remaining Loyalist Primarchs to show up a bit early? We kind of could use the help right now.
Signed,
Brother Bob of the Bobbites Chapter
Dear Bob
Good to hear from you again, feels like it's been forever since your swearing in, I remember it well, you tripped on one of those flying babies and face-plopped right in front of me. Good times.
Anyway I honestly don't know anything about any End Times, or any new eras at all. I mean every time I go to change my calendar the new one still says M41 Y999. This has been going on for like 10 years or something. It's like a clock stuck at 5 minutes to midnight.
But I don't let it me bug me. I've been around 40,000 years or whatever and let me tell you nothing ever changes. Not really.
The E
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear the Most Masterful Monarch of Mankind
So like the other day I was in Space Brazil, exporting coffee, importing edible undergarments, the usual. When all of the sudden who should walk in but Basil Zil, Carnival King of Space Brazil!
And he's all like 'Randy why didn't you tell me you were in town! What brings you here?" And I'm all like "the usual, coffee, edible undergarments'.
And he's like 'You know Space Brazil is hosting the Spacelympics this year, you must come and see!'
So I went and saw.
And man it was awesome. Except for one thing. Looking at some of the athletes it looked like they hadn't taken all of their performance-enhancing drugs. I'm not talking about Space Russia or Space China, their folks obviously had all their shots and pills. But some of the folks from Space America or Space England looked like they were trying to sneak into these universe-class events on nothing but talent and training. And I know I didn't pay good money (actually I didn't Basil comped me tickets but you get the idea) to see some normal human trying his best. I expect to see the finest chemically-enhanced athletes out there performing unnaturally well.
Did you think that too when you were watching?
Oh and did you see those twins holding hands in the race? that was so awesome.
So like the other day I was in Space Brazil, exporting coffee, importing edible undergarments, the usual. When all of the sudden who should walk in but Basil Zil, Carnival King of Space Brazil!
And he's all like 'Randy why didn't you tell me you were in town! What brings you here?" And I'm all like "the usual, coffee, edible undergarments'.
And he's like 'You know Space Brazil is hosting the Spacelympics this year, you must come and see!'
So I went and saw.
And man it was awesome. Except for one thing. Looking at some of the athletes it looked like they hadn't taken all of their performance-enhancing drugs. I'm not talking about Space Russia or Space China, their folks obviously had all their shots and pills. But some of the folks from Space America or Space England looked like they were trying to sneak into these universe-class events on nothing but talent and training. And I know I didn't pay good money (actually I didn't Basil comped me tickets but you get the idea) to see some normal human trying his best. I expect to see the finest chemically-enhanced athletes out there performing unnaturally well.
Did you think that too when you were watching?
Oh and did you see those twins holding hands in the race? that was so awesome.
Yours,
Rogue Randy, the Rogue Trader
Dear Randy,
Athletes are not allowed to take performance enhancing drugs. It is illegal.
However, I did see the twins holding hands, though. That was nice.
Have a good day,
Das emp
--------------------------------------
Dear Emperor,
So like the other day I was in Space Brazil, exporting coffee, importing edible undergarments, the usual. When all of the sudden who should walk in but Basil Zil, Carnival King of Space Brazil!
And he's all like 'Randy why didn't you tell me you were in town! What brings you here?" And I'm all like "the usual, coffee, edible undergarments'.
And he's like 'You know Space Brazil is hosting the Spacelympics this year, you must come and see!'
So I went and saw.
And man it was awesome. Except for one thing. Looking at some of the athletes it looked like they hadn't taken all of their performance-enhancing drugs. I'm not talking about Space Russia or Space China, their folks obviously had all their shots and pills. But some of the folks from Space America or Space England looked like they were trying to sneak into these universe-class events on nothing but talent and training. And I know I didn't pay good money (actually I didn't Basil comped me tickets but you get the idea) to see some normal human trying his best. I expect to see the finest chemically-enhanced athletes out there performing unnaturally well.
Did you think that too when you were watching?
Oh and did you see those twins holding hands in the race? that was so awesome.
Yours,
Rogue Randy, the Rogue Trader
Dear Randy,
Athletes are not allowed to take performance enhancing drugs. It is illegal.
However, I did see the twins holding hands, though. That was nice.
Have a good day,
Das emp
--------------------------------------
Dear Emperor,
Is your throne located in New York City of 2016?
Regards,
Curious Dude
Hello curius dude
My palace is located in Asia, with the centre being just below the hymilayan foot hills, I do find the weather better on the former nepalise side of your time.
Nova York is currently deep underground. Take the underhive exit 12 and down 20 levels.
Good luck . Send me a old I love new York hat if you return alive.
...............
Dear emparor
What's the secret to understanding women?
Surely in 40,000 years you managed this great question a answer.
Surely in 40,000 years you managed this great question a answer.
Sincerely
Bo....fulgri.....bob... Bob....its bob.
Dear BofulgribobBobitsbob,
I have found that the best way to bring women to sheathe your golden spear is to put on your most commanding and experienced voice, tell them that you rule the world, dose them up with some warpstuff and blackmail them.
It only really works if it's Me though.
Best of luck,
The Great and Glorious God-Emperor of Mankind
======================
Dear Manly Manperor of Mankind,
I have recently requisitioned a deathwatch team. One of their number is a Terminator called Frank, who seems to be rather odd. He refers to himself as "DAKKA MCBUGSMASHA", and has an odd mutation that causes him to have bulging green muscles that are so big that even his custom-made armour struggles to accommodate them. He has no understanding of tactics, and once picked up my chimera and threw it off a cliff because I said we had to stop killing the civilians.
Why my dear inquisitor, what you have is a startling case of 'Deffwotch', where a greenskin has infiltrated the ranks of the Ordo Xenos! I would refer Frank to an Administratum Reconditioning Center, where his considerable Chimera throwing talents may be put to better use in one of The Emperor's Holy, Righteous and Totally NOT Horrible Labour Camps! Also, his skin would be a good substitute for Salamander basecoats! We all know that good green paints are hard to come by these days.
Yours,
Manly Manperor of Mankind.
=================
Dear Holy Emperor of Mankind,
How many women hath thou lain with in thy long and prosperous life? How can I emulate one's manliness?
Yours,
Robe--fulgri... No it's definitely Robert, AKA Bob
How many women hath thou lain with in thy long and prosperous life? How can I emulate one's manliness?
Yours,
Robe--fulgri... No it's definitely Robert, AKA Bob
Dear Bob,
You should always ask them first. Say "Can I evaluate how manly you are?". And then proceed by strength tests.
Regards,
Das emp
---------------------------------
Dear Emps,
I understand that you have been every president of the USA. So, that means that when George W Bush was president, that was really you.
Which brings me to my question: Why did you refuse to help victims of Hurricane Katrina?
Regards,
Political Geek
What's the beat cookie recipe in the universe?
I have a craving but none match the glorious vision of cookies the bishop of Oreo keeps telling us of.
Please Devine cookie emparor.
Sinecrely Benjamin von choclate chipus
Oh man Oreos, those were awesome, two chocolate biscuits and cream in the center, man oh man I get hungry just thinking about them. Some days the souls of a thousand psykers just doesn't fill a man like a box of oreos would.
Makes me sad I exterminoused the Nabisco Planet for selling oreos to Horus. Then it turned out he was really eating Hydrox. I was totally bummed out.
The Emp
------------------------------------------
Dear the Space Emporer, wow that was a close call!
So there I was Rogue Trading with North Space Korea, y'know selling them food, buying fissionable uranium, the usual deal. When all of the sudden Kim Da Loon, First Among Equals and Democratically Elected Beloved Leader of North Space Korea walks in!
And I'm like, "Holy @#$% it's Kim Da Loon, First Among Equals and Democratically Elected Beloved Leader of North Space Korea!"
And he's like "Rogue Randy, you must join us for mass gymnastics."
And I'm all like "Well yeah that sounds great but I got this thing and-"
But he's all totally like "No, no, you MUST, I insist." And he's got like a hundred bodyguards with him so I'm like "Yeah, totally dude."
So we go and he's got like a million people in the arena and a million more dancing and gymnasticing and whatever and it was really cool and halfway through all the people in the stands all whip out these colored cards and they're like making shapes and messages and pictures and stuff and one of the messages was like "Welcome Rogue Randy and please have a pleasant stay here in the workers' paradise of North Space Korea" and was all like "Aw..."
So then things end and I' headed back to my space ship and then Kim Da Loon, First Among Equals and Democratically Elected Beloved Leader of North Space Korea says "Dude, you forgot to give me my gift." And I'm like oh @#$%, I totally forgot that when you see Kim Da Loon, First Among Equals and Democratically Elected Beloved Leader of North Space Korea you're supposed to bring him a gift.
So I'm thinking fast, what do Space Koreans like? Math textbooks! But I don't have one. Picked cabbage! But I left that in my space ship. Then I remember Space Bibles! Space Koreans like Space Bibles and luckily I have my Grandfather's Space Bible which was blessed by the Space Pope in the pocket of my Space Coat. So I whip it out and I'm all like "I brought you my Grandfather's Space Bible which was blessed by the Space Pope."
But he like knocks it out of my hand and it all like "Don't you know we are all Spacetheists in North Space Korea!" And then I remember that it's the South Space Koreas who like Space Bibles, not the North Space Koreas.
Which reminds me, how can someone be a Spacetheist in a universe with Godzilla-sized demons and a guy in a golden throne that people use to navigate starships off of? Just asking here.
But Mommy Rogue Randy didn't raise no idiots, so I'm like "Of course I knew that! I brought the Space Bible for you to burn!"
So he looks at me, and I look at him, and he looks at the Space Bible, and the bodyguards reach for their guns, and then he laughs, and I laugh, and the body guards laugh, and someone gets a flame thrower and just like that we're all good friends.
So needless to say I boogie out of North Space Korea fast as I can, Now here's my problem. I figure I better just stop going to North Space Korea. Cut them off. Forget the place ever existed, because no offense they're #$%^ing loony there. But I'm worried that if I do then Kim Da Loon, First Among Equals and Democratically Elected Beloved Leader of North Space Korea might send some North Space Korean Space Ninjas to kill me or something!
I suggest you firstly commission a suit of armour with enormous pauldrons'. Its a know fact they protect and show your power for all to see. They are proven to show how strong you are and can urn aside the greatest of blows. Secondly they will show how rich and epic you are when younwear giant pauldrens and all gleaming armour covered in skulls. Lots of skulls.m
Then you swagger into his palace with your epic pauldrens, a fancy hat and punch him in the face, and proceed to steal his planet.
I signed your warrentnof trade. Caluse h12 requires the use of enormous stones I case of threats..
Good luck.
......
Dear emparor.
I fell into a bad way, chaos cult. I slaughtered them all. I killed the cult leader and his entire family for good measure. I rven took down a chaos marine with a metla gun to head...
Now the inquisition says I'm a ..
Beserker. Can you get me out of a jam merciful emperor.
I fell into a bad way, chaos cult. I slaughtered them all. I killed the cult leader and his entire family for good measure. I rven took down a chaos marine with a metla gun to head...
Now the inquisition says I'm a ..
Beserker. Can you get me out of a jam merciful emperor.
Il serve we from now on.
Sincerely
Benski,
Dear Benski,
You marines are such drama queens! I mean really? YOu think you're the only marine who ever done bad? You think your all-knowing beneficent Space Emporer of Space didn't think of this problem an eon ago?
Here's what you do, get yourself some black shoe polish, like a whole bunch of it, a crate maybe. And smear it all over your armor, every nook and cranny.
Then hie thee over to the nearest Death Watch club house and be all like 'woe is me I done bad and that ain't good' and they'll take good care of you, no questions asked.
The only downside is then you'll be slaughtering the Space Aliens, instead of the Space Demons. If that's a deal breaker to you just go up to the Inquisitor and whisper to him 'Project Exorcists' then wink, do the devil horn sign and point at your nose. He'll take it from there.
OK, so picture this, my Space Ship is like burning rubber out of the Space Korea system when all of the sudden out of no where this black space ship comes by and tells us to pull over. So we do. And like these Black Space Marines come out and everyone is all like 'OMG!'
But I play it cool cause like I have a subscription to Jayne's All the Worlds' Superhuman Fanatical Warriors so right off the bat I'm like 'Hail Black Templars!'
But they're like 'actually we're...'
And I'm like 'I mean Hail Iron Hands! Welcome!'
'Actually we're not Iron H-'
And I'm starting to worry so I'm like 'I mean Black Legion! Hail the Black Legion! Smash the Empire! Chaos! Chaos!'*
* Note I was only saying that to lull them into a sense of security of course, I mean you know that right? You know I'm totally loyal to the Space Empire or whatever. Right?
But they're all "I think you have us confused with someone else, we're the Death Watch"
So right away I start coughing and rubbing my stomach like I'm gonna hurl or whatever but they're like 'No I think you're confusing us with the Death Guard, we're the sword in the darkness? The watcher on the walls? The fire that burns against the cold, the light that brings the dawn, the horn that wakes the sleepers, the shield that guards the realms of men?'
'Sorry not ringing any bells, are you new?'
'No we've been around like 7000 years, or since 2003 depending if you're counting in universe or out of universe. But that's not important now. We think there's a Xenos on your Space Ship!"
'A Xenos!' I ejaculated loudly. 'How can that be!' I turned to my first officer Lavenderpedal Salsawaltz and asked 'Have you seen any Xenos?'
'No sir' he said (or is it she, I can never tell) and adjusted its headband.
So I turned to my science officer Weebo Gundam-Macross and said 'scan for Xenos!'
Lucky he was already wearing his full face scanning helmet. 'None found Taicho-San' he said.
But just to be sure I ordered my Security Chief Moardakka Badsnik and his Boyz to put on their full environmental suits (so they don't get Xenos cooties or whatever) and search the ship.
Finally I could say with 107% certainty that we did not see any Xenos.
The Night's Watch (or whatever they were called) were like 'Thank you citizen for your vigilance, you may go on your way'. At least that's what I think Brother-Blackshield 1001001 said, my binary is a bit rusty.
So my question is why are people so paranoid these days, acting like there must be Xenos under their bed?
I asked my personal valet Locustgaunt Bugface but he just hissed and emitted some pheromones.
OK, so picture this, my Space Ship is like burning rubber out of the Space Korea system when all of the sudden out of no where this black space ship comes by and tells us to pull over. So we do. And like these Black Space Marines come out and everyone is all like 'OMG!'
But I play it cool cause like I have a subscription to Jayne's All the Worlds' Superhuman Fanatical Warriors so right off the bat I'm like 'Hail Black Templars!'
But they're like 'actually we're...'
And I'm like 'I mean Hail Iron Hands! Welcome!'
'Actually we're not Iron H-'
And I'm starting to worry so I'm like 'I mean Black Legion! Hail the Black Legion! Smash the Empire! Chaos! Chaos!'*
* Note I was only saying that to lull them into a sense of security of course, I mean you know that right? You know I'm totally loyal to the Space Empire or whatever. Right?
But they're all "I think you have us confused with someone else, we're the Death Watch"
So right away I start coughing and rubbing my stomach like I'm gonna hurl or whatever but they're like 'No I think you're confusing us with the Death Guard, we're the sword in the darkness? The watcher on the walls? The fire that burns against the cold, the light that brings the dawn, the horn that wakes the sleepers, the shield that guards the realms of men?'
'Sorry not ringing any bells, are you new?'
'No we've been around like 7000 years, or since 2003 depending if you're counting in universe or out of universe. But that's not important now. We think there's a Xenos on your Space Ship!"
'A Xenos!' I ejaculated loudly. 'How can that be!' I turned to my first officer Lavenderpedal Salsawaltz and asked 'Have you seen any Xenos?'
'No sir' he said (or is it she, I can never tell) and adjusted its headband.
So I turned to my science officer Weebo Gundam-Macross and said 'scan for Xenos!'
Lucky he was already wearing his full face scanning helmet. 'None found Taicho-San' he said.
But just to be sure I ordered my Security Chief Moardakka Badsnik and his Boyz to put on their full environmental suits (so they don't get Xenos cooties or whatever) and search the ship.
Finally I could say with 107% certainty that we did not see any Xenos.
The Night's Watch (or whatever they were called) were like 'Thank you citizen for your vigilance, you may go on your way'. At least that's what I think Brother-Blackshield 1001001 said, my binary is a bit rusty.
So my question is why are people so paranoid these days, acting like there must be Xenos under their bed?
I asked my personal valet Locustgaunt Bugface but he just hissed and emitted some pheromones.
What do you think?
Yours
Rouge Randy the Rogue Trader
Dear Randy,
I laughed pretty hard. Good joke.
Regards,
Teh space Emporer
-------------------------------------
Dear Emperor,
Please rescue me from the inquisition. While I do not take the warp resistance I had lightly, I think that it is wrong for me to be in a prison run by Orks. I'm completely unarmed, have no armour on, and the Orks are trying to kill me every hour.
What on Terra!? A SPACE MARINE NEEDS HELP TO ESCAPE FROM ORKS? Have you never heard of Darnath Lysander, whom escaped the Iron Warriors Legion with his bare hands? Whom passed the corruption tests with flying colours? Whom was instantly reinstated as 1st Company Captain of the Imperial Fists forthwith!? You are a son of Smurf, start acting like the plot armoured Mary Sue you were born to be! I'm sure Orks can't remove plot armour. Sure of it.
Yours,
Disappointed Big E.
---------------------------------
Dear Emperor,
I recently purchased a large quantity of goods from a nice company named Games Workshop. I used their high quality miniatures for virtual battle games, for I only have one eye, rendering holographic displays pointless. I noticed however, that when engaged against filthy xenos Eldar, my codex was vastly underpowered against their Wraithknights, not even mass artillery could batter their Wraith-pansies! I tried everything, Deathstrikes, Dakka's proposed rules section, Forge World books, but nothing I could do would ever rid my gaming table of Xenos! That annoying Imperial Navy officer never stops banging on about how he is superior. I suspect he is Eldar, as he has pointy ears.
What do I do, Holy Emperor? Do I buy a new Army? Do I abandon my trusty Guardsmen for a world of 3+ Saves?
Dear Emperor,
I recently purchased a large quantity of goods from a nice company named Games Workshop. I used their high quality miniatures for virtual battle games, for I only have one eye, rendering holographic displays pointless. I noticed however, that when engaged against filthy xenos Eldar, my codex was vastly underpowered against their Wraithknights, not even mass artillery could batter their Wraith-pansies! I tried everything, Deathstrikes, Dakka's proposed rules section, Forge World books, but nothing I could do would ever rid my gaming table of Xenos! That annoying Imperial Navy officer never stops banging on about how he is superior. I suspect he is Eldar, as he has pointy ears.
What do I do, Holy Emperor? Do I buy a new Army? Do I abandon my trusty Guardsmen for a world of 3+ Saves?
Yours Truly,
General Gottius Ripped'Offius
Dear general.
You could go to the Tau but such is heresy...
I sugest you go to the land known as forgeworld, they sell many expensive extras that may help. I recommend the warlord titan of dakka.
Your money will be gone, but your enemy will face the d plate spam of doom .
Good luck. And youl have no money...
...........
Dear god emperor
My name is Barron von wingnut
I have a problem.
I managed to buy a ancient copy . A relic known as rogue trader, with beaky marines.
It seems your holy models are different. Are these new things hersey?
Also we found a cave full of dangerous archeotech weapons, which humans are best to test on?
I managed to buy a ancient copy . A relic known as rogue trader, with beaky marines.
It seems your holy models are different. Are these new things hersey?
Also we found a cave full of dangerous archeotech weapons, which humans are best to test on?
Sincerely
The von wingnut family of the planet boltus ...
Dear Von Wingnut Family,
Rouge Trader is very old. 40k is now on 7th edition. The models from Rogue Trader and 7th edition are very different.
As for the archeotech weapons, test them on foolish Imperial Guardsmen.
Regards,
Das emp
---------------------------------
to: the space emporer <dasemp@41stmillenium.com>
from: NWS Newport\Morehead NC <webmaster@nws.noaa.gov>
subject: Tropical Storm Watch
....TROPICAL STORM WATCH IN EFFECT FOR THE OUTER BANKS OF NORTH CAROLINA...
Tropical Depression 8 is expected to strengthen to a weak tropical storm of 40-45mph. The threats are as follows:
Wind: Winds of 40-45mph could occur on the Outer Banks of North Carolina Tuesday and Tuesday night. These winds can cause minor structural damage.
Rain: 1-3 inches of rain is expected, especially near the Hatteras area. Isolated maximum amounts to 5 inches possible.
Storm Surge: The threat of storm surge is very low.
Water rise: Water rises to 1 foot are expected on the outer banks.
Rip current risk: Very high.
HOW TO PREPARE
Have your hurricane readiness plan in place, heed watches and warnings, evacuate if ordered to.
to: Forecaster <webmaster@nws.noaa.gov> from: God-Emperor of Mankind <dasemp@41stmillenium.com> subject: Re:Tropical Storm Watch
Hello JM
The God-emperor of Mankind thanks you for the warning, we will take appropriate actions as soon as possible. Next time it will be more effective to contact the corresponding Imperial Guard headquarters in the area, not the God-Emperor himself. We are getting thousands of e-mail every hour and it's difficult to sort it out and could be easily overlooked or forgotten. Thank you.
Sasha Wade The secretariate of the God-Emperor of Mankind, Holy Terra
___________________________________
Dear God-Emperor of Mankind
My name is Cyran Arcs and I'm a Tech-priest. You might find odd that I'm askind directly you, and not the Omnissiah, but I want a more, "human" point of view.
Should be altering and invention of new technologies really be considered as a heresy? My opinion is that we should seek the lost knowledge and preserve what we already have, but also invent new technology and alter the old to suit our needs. What's the point of supressing the scientific advance? Some of designs your loyal subjects use are millenias old and the enemy is constantly improving their technology. It means that we had to put still more and more effort to actually beat the enemy and due to our obsolete technology, we have to compensate in numbers.
It's no secret that puritan magi and the Holy Inquisition actively seeks the tech-heresy and suppres it, but it's really necessary? Wouldn't be better if we equipped the Imperial Guard 1) with grav-tanks equipped with neutron lasers, instead of using 10'000 years old design of the Leman Russ tank, which was practicly un-altered since then? Yes, the Leman Russ is easy to manufacture and operate, but we could give the grav-tank to the elite crews or train entierly new units of elite Guardsmen and beat the enemy more efficently, by deploying less Guardsmen, which could be useful elsewhere. This could even lead to supremacy of Mankind in the galaxy, which is now, by current situation, impossible to achieve.
Please, dear Emperor, think about is. There is no point of punishing your loyal servants for making thing better. Better things make better future.
Sincerely
Cyran Arcs, the Tech-priest of planet Ostrakan, Europa solar system, Garon Nebulae
P.S. 1) High Lords of Terra decided to call the Imperial Guard as "Astra Militarum" which I find, well, unlucky.
My name is Cyran Arcs and I'm a Tech-priest.
You might find odd that I'm askind directly you, and not the Omnissiah, but I want a more, "human" point of view.
Should be altering and invention of new technologies really be considered as a heresy? My opinion is that we should seek the lost knowledge and preserve what we already have, but also invent new technology and alter the old to suit our needs. What's the point of supressing the scientific advance?
Some of designs your loyal subjects use are millenias old and the enemy is constantly improving their technology. It means that we had to put still more and more effort to actually beat the enemy and due to our obsolete technology, we have to compensate in numbers.
It's no secret that puritan magi and the Holy Inquisition actively seeks the tech-heresy and suppres it, but it's really necessary? Wouldn't be better if we equipped the Imperial Guard 1) with grav-tanks equipped with neutron lasers, instead of using 10'000 years old design of the Leman Russ tank, which was practicly un-altered since then?
Yes, the Leman Russ is easy to manufacture and operate, but we could give the grav-tank to the elite crews or train entierly new units of elite Guardsmen and beat the enemy more efficently, by deploying less Guardsmen, which could be useful elsewhere. This could even lead to supremacy of Mankind in the galaxy, which is now, by current situation, impossible to achieve.
Please, dear Emperor, think about is. There is no point of punishing your loyal servants for making thing better. Better things make better future.
Sincerely
Cyran Arcs, the Tech-priest of planet Ostrakan, Europa solar system, Garon Nebulae
P.S.
1) High Lords of Terra decided to call the Imperial Guard as "Astra Militarum" which I find, well, unlucky.
Dear Cyran,
First of all I want to correct a misapprehension you seem to have: me and the Omnisseah, same guy. I'm also the Machine God, the Sun God, the Lord High Basket Weaver and Malal. When you've been around for 40,000 years you have time to develop a lot of skill sets. Perhaps a few hours in the Agony Booth will help you meditate on this.
Secondly, you really don't seem to understand the scale of a million world, 10,000 year Imperium. I mean think about it. Take a relatively simple machine like those old Apache gyro ornithopers we had back in M2 Y990. They were good pieces of kit, but take them from temperate Europe to dusty Middle East and their engines get clogged and they fall out of the sky. Now think about taking them from Earth (that's what we used to call Holy Terra back in the day) to dusty Mars with a different gravity or frozen Fenris or humid Catachan and you'll never get them to run.
And a grav tank with a neurtron laser? That's like 10 quantum leaps more complex. They might run fine on world A, but go to world B and the dust mites eat the energy crystals and you've got a 5 ton paper weight. Go to world C and the anti-grav units can't compensate for the gravity fluctuations caused by the 8 moons and they just explode randomly. Go to world D and the thicker atmosphere reduces the laser'r range to 10 meters.
You get the idea.
I mean really, you ask this question like I didn't conquer the whole (well most) galaxy using WWI technology. There's a reason we use treads and armor and cannons that shoot shells. They work (almost) everywhere! Hell that's why our guys still carry swords and ride horses.
That's why the galaxy is ruled by factions like us, the orks (whose stuff is even cruder) and the nids. Sure there's more advanced factions out there but their tech is sufficiently advanced that you may as well call it magic. And even they just nibble at the fringes. I mean the Eldar have some neat kit, but no one considers them a top-tier galactic power.
Now we do have some solid stuff that's advanced and works (almost) everywhere but we hoard it and keep for the most loyal guys, because with a million worlds out there you never know when someone's going to get an idea. And we don't have much of that stuff because you never know when those 'loyal' guys might get ideas too. One thing I learned (the hard way) is with a galaxy-spanning empire you can't take anyone's loyalty for granted.
Glad we had this chat. The Arbites will be by shortly to show you to your Agony Booth so you have time to consider my words.
Yours
Teh Emporer of most of Space
Who, yes, actually does know what he's doing.
So you're not gonna believe it but I just got back from Space Briton, and there I was unloaded my cargo of anti-depressants and loading up my cargo of pop albums, Dr Who DVDs and overpriced toy soldiers when who should stop by but Brittney Tina, Pop Queen of Space Briton!
And I was all like "OMG Brittney Tina, Pop Queen of Space Briton! I loved your new album!"
And she like popped a handful of anti-depressants and was all like "Oh hey Rogue Randy, thanks for bringing some anti-depressants, we were almost out."
And I was all like "Whoa. Something wrong? You seem upset."
And she was all like "Oh it's just this darn Space Brexit."
And I was all like "Space Brexit? That sounds like a made up word."
And she was all "Yeah it is a made up word, but basically the people voted to exit the Imperium."
And I was all "Whoa. Isn't that like, a bad idea?"
And she was all "Yeah, really bad. Cause first all the banks will leave, then the big companies, then the Space Pound will drop, and the price of imports will go up, and then the Inquisition will exterminus us for treason."
And I was all "Whoa."
And she was all "Whoa indeed."
And I was all like "Why did you even ask the people?"
And she was all "We didn't think they'd actually say leave!"
And I was all like "Well what about this, why don't you tell the people you're working really, really hard on this Brit-leave thing, then release a new album, and put out an animated restoration of a lost Dr Who episode, maybe a new edition of that toy soldier game and by then everyone will have forgotten. If they ask you just say 'still working on it'. And Bob's your uncle!"
And she was all "Randy that's the tits! Thank you, thank you, thank you!"
Then she invited me over to her place to spend the night putting different parts of our bodies in the mouth of a dead pig which is apparently the custom there.
So I just wanted to say if you hear any rumors about some sort of Eng-Leave or whatever just ignore them, it'll blow over.
Hello CATpaa.
Last time I saw those Eagle lunar modules they were sitting on Kubrick's sound stage. No man was allowed to reach the Moon for hundreds of years after that. It's where I kept my space brothel.
Dear Emps.
What's the deal with the grav weapon fad? They came out of nowhere and they're all I see now. What's the next new hotness?
Thanks!
Guns overcharged, openly nasty.
Dear Emps.
What's the deal with the grav weapon fad? They came out of nowhere and they're all I see now. What's the next new hotness?
Thanks!
Guns overcharged, openly nasty.
Well y'know that goes back to that one time in 2nd edition, I was Astrally Projecting myself onto a battle where those blue guys, the ones that shout a lot, kind of stuck up, forgot what they're called, were fighting and one of them who was painted red for some reason was shooting his gravity gun at the bad guys and the bad guys were getting slowed down.
And I was like, that's a bit lame, who would want to shoot someone with a 'go slow' gun when you can shoot them with a 'go die' gun instead.
So when I got back I grabbed Steve [Note=94% probable reference to Arch Magos Stephanicus Quantum Mu-45, High Fabricator of Mars] and I was like 'Steven can you make these guns less lame' and so we pulled them for an edition or two and tinkered with them and when they came back, wow. Everyone is all like grav! grav! grav!
Just like I knew they would.
It's nice to be omniscient.
Cheers,
E
---------------------------------------------
Hey how's it going!
I've got a bit of a question here. The other day I was on Space America importing cheap manufactured goods, exporting crates of money that they just printed, when all of the sudden out of nowhere comes Amy Ricca, Reality TV Queen of Space America. And I'm all like 'OMG! It's Amy Ricca!'
And she's all like 'Oh hey Rogue Randy'.
And I'm all like 'Amy, what's wrong?'
And she's all like 'Oh nothing, I'm just preoccupied. You see in a month or two we Space Americans have to pick our new leader.'
"Wow' I ejaculated loudly. 'Commoners picking a leader? How queer.'
And she was all 'Yeah it's like this weird old custom we have. Anyway this year we have to pick between this old lady who used to be married to the old leader so she like knows about stuff. And then there's this even older fat guy who got money from his dad and hardly ever declared bankruptcy."
"Two of your best and brightest. Truly you have an embarrassment of riches."
So there's the problem, which of these two very deserving people should be be their new leader?
I've got a bit of a question here. The other day I was on Space America importing cheap manufactured goods, exporting crates of money that they just printed, when all of the sudden out of nowhere comes Amy Ricca, Reality TV Queen of Space America. And I'm all like 'OMG! It's Amy Ricca!'
And she's all like 'Oh hey Rogue Randy'.
And I'm all like 'Amy, what's wrong?'
And she's all like 'Oh nothing, I'm just preoccupied. You see in a month or two we Space Americans have to pick our new leader.'
"Wow' I ejaculated loudly. 'Commoners picking a leader? How queer.'
And she was all 'Yeah it's like this weird old custom we have. Anyway this year we have to pick between this old lady who used to be married to the old leader so she like knows about stuff. And then there's this even older fat guy who got money from his dad and hardly ever declared bankruptcy."
"Two of your best and brightest. Truly you have an embarrassment of riches."
So there's the problem, which of these two very deserving people should be be their new leader?
Sincerely
Rogue Randy, the Rogue Trader
Dear Randy,
I think YOU should be their new leader. I actually kinda like you.
Regards,
Das emp
--------------------------------------
Dear Empys,
Who do you want to vote for? Please vote for one:
DEMOCRAT
[ ] Hillary ClinTon\Tim Kaine
REPUBLICAN
[ ] Donald Trump\Mike Pence
LIBERTARIAN
[ ] Gary Johnson\William Weld
GREEN
[ ] Jill Stein\Ajamu Baraka
CONSTITUTION
[ ] Darrell Castle\Scott Bradley
Please return your ballot to the nearest polling station at your earliest convenience.
Please return your ballot to the nearest polling station at your earliest convenience.
Regards,
Arkansas Election Ballot
Dear Arkie,
thank you for your kind letter but I actually can't vote in American elections as I was born in Turkey.
Damn birthers.
Yours,
Al Imperoror d'Mahnkind
****************************************************
Dear the Space Emperor
Y'know how they say that workplace romances never work out, well I'm hoping to change that. Y'see there's this girl I really like, at work-Dea Thultist. She's always walking around in tight leather, looking oh so hot, just gorgeous. Acutally I kind of assume she's gorgeous but she's always wearing her gimp mask so I really don't know for certain.
Problem is she's a Death Cultist and all she cares about is a man's sword. Now I wish that was a euphemism but it's literally true. I have NEVER had a conversation with her that didn't involve edged weapons.
I figure that's why she's always hanging out with Kru Sader who's our holy crusader. Except his holy vows require that he y'know, keep his sword sheathed.
That is a euphemism by the way, obviously he unsheaths his sword all the time but he has to keep his 'sword' 'sheathed' if you know what I mean.
I suggest you impress upon her the virtues of your "sword" and what an impressive weapon it is. Death Cultists are kind of wacky like that, but if you play your cards right I think you have q shot.
Regards,
Space Emperor.
Dear Space Emperor,
I have a problem. Last week I'm fairly certain I noticed that my neighbor grew an extra, alien, arm and sacrificed my cat to the four-armed Emperor. Normally I'd report this, but the Inquisition threatened to gut me if I was involved in yet ANOTHER problem. What should I do?
I have a problem. Last week I'm fairly certain I noticed that my neighbor grew an extra, alien, arm and sacrificed my cat to the four-armed Emperor. Normally I'd report this, but the Inquisition threatened to gut me if I was involved in yet ANOTHER problem. What should I do?
Signed,
Arbite Bob
Dear Bob,
It's good to hear from you again, though I still have no idea what happened in Boringstein.
That aside, I'm sending some Space Marines over to wherever you are to rescue you and bring you to Holy Terra so you can be one of my Custodes.
Regards,
Das emp
---------------------------------
Dear Empys,
Dear Snapchat User,
I do indeed have snapchat, but i am very careful about who I add as one time I accidentally added Tzeentch and before I could yell "Khornes Skull Turds!" I was flooded with Slaanesh nudes.
But for reference, it is GoldyPauldronBishieWizardKnight31000
How do I get Dead Rising 2 to work on my Intel 2.2GHZ processor computer? The processor's maximum speed claims to be 2.19GHZ, but i've never seen it get above 2.17GHZ.
how can you ask me such question and call yourself a "Computer Geek?"
With regards
The God-Emperor of Mankind
--------------------------------------
Dear God-Emperor of Mankind
Mankind needs your help. Universe had divided into two parties, both claim that " 7 + 7 : 7 + 7 x 7 - 7 " is either 50 or 57.
Please, can you use your eternal wisdom and help us?
So the other day I was playing Space Poker with my buddies Rogue Richie and Rogue Rita when Rogue Richie played another Full Galaxy with all 400 Billion stars and that was like the fifth time he did it all game. And I was a little buzzed on Space Beer so I knocked over the table and pointed my Jokero Digital Nova Cannon at him and was like "Yer a cheat!'
So he kicks the table out of the way and takes out his Jokero Digital Planet Killer and points it at the floor and is all like "you take that back!"
Which incidentally explains why he was wearing his void suit the whole time.
And then Rogue Rita she disintegrates the table and takes out her three Jokero Digital Blackstone Fortresses and points them at the sun and is all like "you boys settle down or there's gonna be trouble"
Which incidentally explains why she was wearing an asbestos dress.
So long story short, Rogue Richie buys us all a round of Space Beer and we go back to playing cards but with the rule that Richie has to keep his hands on the table and roll up his sleeves. Funny thing, he didn't draw no more Full Galaxies after that.
Anyway my question is, where the heck do you get a Jokero Digital Blackstone Fortress from anyway? Much less three of them? Is there like a website somewhere?
So the other day I was playing Space Poker with my buddies Rogue Richie and Rogue Rita when Rogue Richie played another Full Galaxy with all 400 Billion stars and that was like the fifth time he did it all game. And I was a little buzzed on Space Beer so I knocked over the table and pointed my Jokero Digital Nova Cannon at him and was like "Yer a cheat!'
So he kicks the table out of the way and takes out his Jokero Digital Planet Killer and points it at the floor and is all like "you take that back!"
Which incidentally explains why he was wearing his void suit the whole time.
And then Rogue Rita she disintegrates the table and takes out her three Jokero Digital Blackstone Fortresses and points them at the sun and is all like "you boys settle down or there's gonna be trouble"
Which incidentally explains why she was wearing an asbestos dress.
So long story short, Rogue Richie buys us all a round of Space Beer and we go back to playing cards but with the rule that Richie has to keep his hands on the table and roll up his sleeves. Funny thing, he didn't draw no more Full Galaxies after that.
Anyway my question is, where the heck do you get a Jokero Digital Blackstone Fortress from anyway? Much less three of them? Is there like a website somewhere?
Sincerely
Rogue Randy the Rogue Trader
Dear Randy,
If you come to Terra, and go to the Fortress store, you can get as many as you want. However, the cost will be OVER $9000!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Regards,
Teh Space Emporer
------------------------------------------------
Dear President Emperor,
What were you doing on August 29th, 2005? You should know what that date is, but if you don't here is what it is: The Day that Hurricane Katrina hit the Gulf Coast and wiped New Orleans off the face of the earth.
Can a man who has nothing to offer still offer his life?
Regards,
Man with nothing to offer
Hmm, y'know that makes sense. Hey Animated Corpse of Malcador the Sigillite, jot that down as a thought for the day!
As for you Man, please report to your nearest Blood Reactor Thingy, your life can help power the assistant sub-lieutenant governor's cognator. He has some very important cat pictures to look at.
Yours,
TSE
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Boss Man,
Hey I was just putting on my Solid Gold Armor, and checking my Sword the Size of a Teenager and my Solid Gold Dinner Platter/Storm Shield and checking the ammo on my Sword Guns and putting my Very Impressive Hat and suddenly I realized I don't have any frag or krak grenades!
What if I have to assault someone in cover or a vehicle!?
Hey I was just putting on my Solid Gold Armor, and checking my Sword the Size of a Teenager and my Solid Gold Dinner Platter/Storm Shield and checking the ammo on my Sword Guns and putting my Very Impressive Hat and suddenly I realized I don't have any frag or krak grenades!
What if I have to assault someone in cover or a vehicle!?
Do you know where I can get some?
Sincerely,
Custer the Custodeus
Dear Custer,
Go to the Adeptus Custodes' Armoury, and they will have some.
Regards,
Das emp
----------------------------------
Dear Emperor,
Keep your eyes on your own paper. It is now time to begin.
1. Rick Astley is never gonna...
a. Give You Up
b. Let You Down
c. Run around
d. Hurt you
e. All of the above
2. George W Bush...
a. Refused to help victims of Hurricane Katrina
b. Was really you
c. Doesn't exist
d. Both a and b
3. Alex Jones is...
a. Stupid
b. Dumb
c. A dumbass
d. really stupid
e. REALLY STUPID
f. Member of the Illumanati
g. fat
h. none of the above
Please return your answer sheet at your earliest convenience.
It's not like I have a lot of walking/running to do, or anyone to show off my legs to, especially now that my bromance with Horus has come to an end millenia ago. I'm too busy pondering how to maintain galaxy-spanning Imperium without moving or uttering a single word, whilst keeping up my practice in the art of the fishstick.
Listen up you maggot, so it's you who caused the collision of the two superfreighters by bedazzeling one of the coxsweins.
You are about to get punished, but as I'm a merciful Emperor,
you will not be killed. You, and all of your current and future relatives will give half of their salary for damage compensation.
Total sum is 863quadrillion credits.
A BRAND NEW CODEX! Just for me and the girls! Oh and the Inquisition. And the psyker scum. And those Valkyrie drivers. And the Marines in Black. And whoever else was around that day. But still a BRAND NEW CODEX!
We can't WAIT to see it!
Feels like we've been waiting FOREVER!
I bet I have a great entry in it too! And probably NEW MODELS! I mean no offense but after a decade or two the armor starts to look a bit shabby y'know.
SO EXCITED!
LUV!
St Celestine, Hieromartyr of the Palatine Crusade
YOUR GIRLFRIEND!
I regret to inform you that I had no control over the content of the new book. All that it really gives you Sisters is more vitriolic debate over whether or not new models are coming (because guess what? There are no new ones with this book). Take that how you will I guess.
Love,
Emperor
-------------------
Dear Space Emperor,
When are we getting a new codex? We can barely hurt the enemies of Man with our current book, and those pointy eared gits are getting uppity.
When are we getting a new codex? We can barely hurt the enemies of Man with our current book, and those pointy eared gits are getting uppity.
Regards,
Guardsman #1133993
Why would you need a new codex when there's always more guardsmen?
Love
Brigadier Fleet Joint Chief Teh Emporer
*******************************
Dear Teh Space Emporer,
So like there I was on the Eldar Craftworld Al'hadar y'know selling sparkly rocks and hard-core Tau pr0n (in brown wrappers of course, those Space Elfs are kinda shy) and I'm buying some different sparkly rocks and weird twisty things and then you'll never guess who comes by! It's Ellie Darr, Fairy Princess of the Eldar!
And she's like what's up.
So I'm like, hey I got a couple of bottles of Slanneshi Wine in my Rocket Ship, and she's like oh yeah, and I'm like oh yeah and so like we go upstairs and y'know, one thing leads to another and badda bing, badda boom yadda yadda.
So like the next morning as we're having space breakfast in my space bed she mentions that like she's only 170-something years old and I'm like OMG, cause like the age of consent for Space Elfs is 180!
Now she didn't say nothing to anyone and I'm sure not gonna tell anyone (cept you of course big guy) but shoot, do you think I might get in trouble?
As you know, Space Santa has been purged for heresy last year. Who is going to bring us presents this year?
Sincerely
Little Timmy
Sigh...
First of all what are they teaching in those schools these days? Santa was NOT purged for Heresy, he retired with full honors back in M33 after Jesus' 12th coming (that's the one where the good dolphins and squirrels were taken up to heaven).
Gift giving was then delegated to his protege, Father Kwanzaa.
Father Kwanzaa lives in a castle on the moon and every Kwanzaa he flies through the air in a wagon pulled by 7 tiny gazelles and places presents in good little boys and girls' gourds which they hang by the door of their huts.
Yours
Teh Space E
**************************************************
Dear CEO and Chairman of the Board Teh,
Lately I've been seeing ads all over the Worlds' Wide Webway advertising Fall on Cadia. Now I love autumn on Cadia, watching the leaves turn, drinking pumpkin spice latte and going antiquing. And the Autumn Jazz Festival is to die for. But I wonder if maybe it's gotten too touristy these days. Do you think I should go to Fall on Cadia?
I would avoid visiting Cadia for a while, the tourists are acting a bit chaotic and you may develop a bad case of "bale flamer to the face" if you go there. Perhaps wait for winter?
Signed,
The Head Honcho
----------------
Dear Space Emperor,
Do you think you could persuade the Mechanicus to give us stronger weapons? Even Gretchin are laughing at our flashlights now.
Well yes, they could. But the problem is like for every Space Marine or maybe for every 10 Battle Sisters or Storm Trooper or every 10 of those hard to spell cyborg guys (skittles? Something like that) there's like a million billion guardsmen. So it's not that your weapons suck, well they do, it's that you should be like 4 points for a dozen guys or so.
Yours in math
Emporer
--------------------
Dear Teh
Wow can you believe it? It New Years Eve! Yay!
Just one thing, I ordered a new Space Calandar to replace my M41 Y999 calendar but the new one also says M41 Y999!
And I looked back and all my calendars for like the last 10 light years all say M41 Y999!
Should I sue the calendar company?
Is this why is still don't know who won the 13th Black Crudade?
Is it snowing there? I have 1.5 inches of dry fluffy snow at my house in Illinois, 2017.
Regards,
Illinois Resident, 2017
Well it sometimes snows here in the throne room when the zombie corpse of Malcador the Sigilite hits the wrong button on the AC, but he only does that every century or two.
Generally it's balmy 300 Kelvin in here just the way I like it.
Yours,
Teh
------------------------------------------------------
Dear Teh Space Emporer,
Hey yeah, how you doing, I'm fine more or less, it's just y'know Astartes Mortis battle station I'm working on? We're having some production delays and such so I was thinking of bringing back the scientist Traitor McTraitorson to help out.
Now I know there are some questions about his loyalty but I have an awesome plan to totally win him over, I'm gonna shoot his wife and kid in front of him, then he'll have no distractions and be totally loyal.
He did a lot of the initial development work and has some very interesting thoughts on exhaust ports.
Sincerely
Director Krennic
PS: did I tell you I renamed my personal body guard Death Troopers? They have all black armor and look totally boss.
Dear Director Krennic,
Seems like a perfectly good plan to me. No way it could possibly go rogue on you. Just mind you don't choke on your grand aspirations.
Yours, The God-Emperor of Mankind
__________________________________________
DEAR THE SPACE EMPRAH... I AM ALWAYS ANGRY! EVER SINCE I BECAME A SPACE MARINE! I JUST WANT TO HIT PEOPLE WITH BATS AND STUFF! IS THIS A PROBLEM???
You sure know that Astronomicon attracts Tyranids like a lightbulb in the dark attracts insects. What do you think about building oversized Electric trap lamp around Holy Terra and wait until Tyranids fry themselves to death, like insects do?
Yours,
Arran Ekelemetebek, Hiveworld of Armaggeddon
Dear Arran Ekelemetebek,
We can build it, but only if YOU pay for it. Better yet, we'll make the Tyranids pay for it (I feel like I've heard that before...).
Sincerely,
The Emperor
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Emperor,
-------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Teh Space Emporer
So yeah still working on that Astras Mortis Battlestation, almost done really, just a few adjustments and Professor Traitor McTraitorson is working on that exhaust port, it's kind of technical and I really don't follow all the details so I just leave it to him. He says it's real important the exhaust port work just right.
Anyway the reason I'm writing is I was thinking the other day how we have Storm Troopers on the land, and we have Sea Troopers in the sea (I know technically they're not canon but anyway) but what about the middle? What about the shore?????!
So I want to make a couple of squads of Shore Troopers who will patrol the shore and they'll carry extra suntan lotion in case someone runs out and metal detectors in case someone loses their keys.
I know what you're going to say, it'll cost a lot cause we have to make up some new armor (or the old armor and a new helmet) and paint it like a sand color and stuff but I was thinking we can use this opportunity to sell little tiny poseable 'action' figures based on the Shore Troopers. This will offset the cost and we might even end up making money.
That's what I did with my personal guard (did I mention I call them Death Troopers and they wear all black? You should see them, it's totally metal) and we made serious bank.
There will be no Shore Troopers and I'll tell you why. The beach belongs to one unit and one unit only...the Baywatch lifeguards. Anybody messes with, or replaces them and they'll feel my wrath!
Reaching for a disc from the complete series box set as we speak,
Mind if I swing by for a selfie next you and the Golden Throne next time I'm in town?
Keep abiding,
The Dude
Dear Dude,
Sure, that's fine. But before you do so, you must:
Collect 139,377 brown rocks, then defeat Ug-Thak, Lord of Skags, then pilfer lost staff of Mount Schuler, then defeat the Destroyer of Worlds and then dance for my enjoyment.
Then you can take a selfie with me.
Regards,
Das emp
-----------------------------------------------------
Dear Emperor,
So, did you cause Hurricane Irma, which obliterated New York City?
So, did you cause Hurricane Irma, which obliterated New York City?
Regards,
Survivor of Hurricane Irma from an alternate 2017
Dear Viv
No, no, no, that wasn't me, I loved New York, I still have a pastrami on rye kept in statis, every century or two I thaw it out and take a nibble.
That was caused by God who was angry about NY voting for Hillary.
Yours
Teh
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
My master,
First off, I want to say everything is fine. Basically, in many ways, everything is fine.
We tested the Astares Mortis Battle Station yesterday (just a single reactor firing) and blew the @#$% out of this holy city, which I am sure will help us win the hearts and minds of the people.
BOOM!
It was awesome.
And after that I went to the Rain Planet to visit Professor McTraitorson and all his engineers and shot the #$%^ out of them so they could never, ever, ever share the secrets of the Thermal Exhaust Port which they worked so hard on.
ZAP! ZAP! ZAP!
It was awesome.
Anyway after that I went to the Shore Planet to check on some records and there were some Rebel guys running around. And even though the Shore Troopers were there I think the stole one of the files and broadcast it to the Rebel Fleet.
It was probably nothing important, just Tribble breeding reports or Energon Cube production rates, or Soylent Green consumption studies. Nothing important.
So my point is, could you please tell Governor Tarkin there is no need to blow up the Shore Planet while I'm here?
DEAR THE SPACE EMPRAH! IT'S ME! ANGRY ASTARTES! I TRY TO FOLLOW YOUR ADVICE AND CALM DOWN, BUT NOW I AM JUST ANGRIER! I MET SOME PEOPLE WHO TOLD ME OF A GUY NAMED "CORN" THEY SAID HE IS STRONGER THAN YOU! THEY SAID HE IS ALWAYS ANGRY LIKE ME! IS THIS TRUE?
DEAR THE SPACE EMPRAH! IT'S ME! ANGRY ASTARTES! I TRY TO FOLLOW YOUR ADVICE AND CALM DOWN, BUT NOW I AM JUST ANGRIER! I MET SOME PEOPLE WHO TOLD ME OF A GUY NAMED "CORN" THEY SAID HE IS STRONGER THAN YOU! THEY SAID HE IS ALWAYS ANGRY LIKE ME! IS THIS TRUE?
-ANGRIER ASTARTES!
Ah Corn, that's the problem right there isn't it. Too much enriched Corn Syrup gives people rage issues, that's why I outlawed it back in M3 Y20 when I also outlawed caffeine and MSG.
So lay off the sugary soft drinks and kids cereals and you should be fine.
Remember Anger is Mind Killer.
Or is that Fear?
Or does Fear lead to Hatred which is the Mind Killer?
Something like that.
Teh
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
My Master,
Let me begin by assuring you beyond any doubt that things are in fact fine.
I have assumed command of the Astraes Mortis Class Battle Station following a rebel altercation in orbit around the Shore Planet. I quickly and decisively dealt with it by unleashing the full destructive power of this Battle Station on the Shore Planet killed the rebels, even the Hawt Chick.
Unfortunately Director Orson Krennic was lost in the battle but I think we agree it was no great loss. He was, as the younglings say, a bit of a spanker. The loss of the Shore Troopers is regrettable but at least we are free of those tiresome Death Troopers.
Death Troopers... are we allowing 12 year olds to name our elite military units now?
We believe that some data may have been transmitted to a Rebel ship and are pursuing it now. It is probably nothing relevant, just Grandma's Soylent Green Recipes or pictures of Tribbles dressed as My Little Pony Characters. Nonetheless we are pursuing them and expect to soon intercept them. From there we will proceed to deal with the Rebel-Sympathizer world we discussed and I expect we will then proceed to the hidden Rebel Base.
With this Battle Station operating at full power, with the Thermal Exhaust Port performing as expected we are now the ultimate power in this system!
As for the 12 year old naming elite units...hey, my niece has a kid and he's been bugging her, so she's been bugging me, you get where I'm going on this...just let this one slide.
I never got a new mail box for the one you Green skin hooligans smashed before ****ing Horus put me on ****ing Golden live support.
Also you guy never payed for all the other damage you did.
Signed,
The Emperor.
---------------------------------------
Dear Holy God Emperor,
I, Inquisitor Kaldus Yavin have been tasked with investigating these false claims regarding you creation of you Holy sons the Primarchs.
Specifically the lost ones. Given you current state and me not wanting to make this enquiry longer than absolutely necessary, would you kindly sent me your response to the following statements I found and weather they are true or false.
These are the names of your Sons currently on record:
Horus, Leman Russ, Ferrus Manus, Fulgrim, Vulkan, Rogal Dorn, Roboute Guilliman, Magnus the Red, Sanguinius, Lion El'Jonson, Perturabo, Mortarion, Lorgar, Jaghatai Khan, Konrad Curze, Angron, Corax, Alpharius Omegon
Two names are lost. Is this correct or are there more lost Primarchs out there?
- Claims that one lost Primach is named Sigmar Heldenhammer and is worshipped as a God on some backwater world.
- Claims that one lost Primach is named Archaon Everchosen, fallen to Chaos on the same world mentioned in the previous enquire.
- Claims that one lost Primarch is called Rubicon founder of a lost Astartes chapter nemd the Iron Hearts.
- Claims that one lost Primarch is my mom. At least that was the awnser after viciously interegating Herertics who keyed my car. I thought I throw it in here just in case.
- Claims that one lost Primarch is the founder of our Grey Knights and is kept secret for that reason.
- Claims that one lost Primarch is the founder of the Deathwatch and is kept secret for that reason.
- Claims that one lost Primarch was actualy Malcador the Sigilite himself. I over heard some kids claiming this for there 3rd grade homework.
- Claims that two lost Primarch where actual test animal experiments, horses to be exact and that they turned into winged unicorns and escaped into the warp using tier new powers.
- Claims that one lost Primarch is working in accounting and goes by the name Steve. That guy is just so efficient.
- Claims that one lost Primarch is actualy Alpharius Omegon's identical twin, which would explane a lot.
- Claims that one lost Primarch is a woman named Samus Aran and is a bounty hunter.
- Claims that there are more than 21 original primachs, some sources claim up to 50.
- Claims that there are more than 21 original primachs and they are identical clones of the first 21 making it technicaly 42.
Some of these may not seem legit, but be advised they where the result of countless hour of observation and torture. Our historical records more resemble a barcode now, thanks to all the censoring done by the Ecclesiarchy and my fellow Inquisitors. We probably should have made some copies first.
Please respond at your earliest notice.
Always your loyal servant,
Kaldus Yavin.
Inquisitor ordo Hereticus.
In regards to your question, I can safely say that the answer to your question is as follows:
The first primarch was named [redacted] and was head of a legion known as [redacted]
The second, [redacted] was [redacted] and [redacted] [redacted][redacted].
Hope that helps.
[redacted]
God-Emperor of [redacted]
I seem to have recently returned to life and find myself in possession of your own flaming sword. My question to you is"
Can you turn the thing off? It seems impossible to do, and I can't just leave it lying around without starting a raging inferno. Things are getting quite uncomfortable here.
Love,
y̶o̶u̶r̶ ̶s̶p̶i̶r̶i̶t̶u̶a̶l̶ ̶l̶i̶e̶g̶e̶
Your favorite son, RG
It's about time one of my non-***hole sons made contact with me. Roboute you have to come over here and help fix this mess. Disregard any rumours about me wanting to pull the plug on your stasis capsule and other such nonsense.
Here is a quick situation wrap up.
All of you loyal brothers are either dead or missing. A crazy state religion has taken over the Imperium. The Inquisition are colossal douchbags, people are asking me all sorts of stupid questions. My palace has been invaded by wierd colorfull creatures and yet they escaped before my custodes could kill them all. They lost a dreadnought. The techpriests are spending time praying to broken lightbulbs instead of replacing them. Not to mention the decrepit state the universe is in. I had a television set installed in my throne room and you have to help with programming the VCR. the clock keeps blinking at 12:00. I normaly would ask Rogal, but he buggerd off to somewhere centuries ago. Also on the way over here can you pick me up some groceries. My custodes will sent you a list. Bring money.
Thanks a bunch,
Dad
P.S. About that sword. It is probably defective. Just toss it at some unnecessary people. I got a room full of the things here in the palace armoury.
To: Emperor of Mankind, from his humble servant: Nicodemus Ruth.
"I write this letter from my hiding place under agri-world designation delta 894-571, Calixis-sector, near Hazeroth Abyss. I have sealed my chambers to buy more time. I sent my ship away with as many refugees as possible and stayed on this doomed world. Emperor... I must warn thee of the great threat within this sector: The Tyrant Star. It's origins are unknown, although my sources indicate it may be older than the universe itself. It manifests as a black star, often possessing system's own, natural star, and shines pale, baleful light. It brings mutation, madness and untold horrors with it. That star now shines upon this world. I seal this letter into a plasteel box. Within there will be all the files I could gather before I had to hide. I pray it is not yet too late. The clock of Haarlock's, one I bought from one of his deserted mansions, one that never once has worked, no matter what I did now counts time to midnight, oiled with the blood of his kin. As I lay down my life and soul to save a few others, I pray for all souls of this world and the one beyond. May they find shelter, the protection of your light. The scratching at the walls has stopped. They come."
Sorry to hear that weird stuff is happening to you. I know it won't be much comfort to you, as you will, you know, be dead, but I'll have one of my boys, Krennic, Tarkin, Kylo Ren or somebody build a giant, Star-Killing superweapon to help you out with your weird star thingy. Hopefully, by now they've learned to build the things without easily accessible destruct-buttons and are no longer letting twelve year -olds name the garrison. Shore Troopers, Death Troopers? Seriously?
Dad,
I just wanted to see if it was true what that idiot brother of mine, Leman ruff-ruff the doggyborn was acting on your orders when he blew up my planet and knocked over my pyramids. those things took ages to make! Will you punish him for it? I got mad at him and hit him and then he hit me back, but harder and it wasn't fair and I hurt my back and then I got angry and well now I've got these wing things and....
Hope you can help me. ... I miss you.
Big Red..
P.S. sorry I broke your new webway thing. Didn't mean to...
Dad,
I just wanted to see if it was true what that idiot brother of mine, Leman ruff-ruff the doggyborn was acting on your orders when he blew up my planet and knocked over my pyramids. those things took ages to make! Will you punish him for it? I got mad at him and hit him and then he hit me back, but harder and it wasn't fair and I hurt my back and then I got angry and well now I've got these wing things and....
Hope you can help me. ... I miss you.
Big Red..
P.S. sorry I broke your new webway thing. Didn't mean to...
Dear Magnus,
I can't use my psychic powers without causing excruciating pain to myself.
I can do alot of things, but restoring your memories is not one of them.
It's just too far back in time for me and attempting it could cause cataclysmic warpstorms all through the space-time continuum. Maybe if you could travel forward in time for about 40.000 years and come visit me at the palace. I can have a Librerian look at your problem.
Best Regards,
The Emperor.
-------------------------------------------------
Dear Fast-Food Franchise,
The burger I ordered got cold when I got home.
Please replace it for me.
You have misdialed and reached the Golden Throne on Terra by mistake. In the future, such trivial matters as problems with your junk food habit should be directed to the appropriate vendor of such items. This matter has been forwarded to the nearest Black Ark in your sector for remediation.
Have a nice day,
E
----------------------------------------
Almighty 'Umie Warboss,
So, I wuz finkin' dat if we wuz to kombine our forzus, weez culd stomp da bugs back to wherevuz hive werld dey comes frum. Whaddyafink?
Big Waaagh
P.S. Did youz evaz fink of paintin' da throne red?
Dear Big Waagh!
Sigh... you know what? Fine. Let's join forces. Screw this whole "come the apocalypse" thing. I mean, heck, my good-for-nothng sons have finally begun to write to me after these long, lonely ten thousand years, so It might as well be the Apocalypse you know? Let's join together in a grand alliance and bring the galaxy to it's next golden age! We can call it... the age of me!
But nobody actually seems to listen to me anymore here, so good luck getting past my Custodes to paint the throne red...
Love,
The Immortal Emperor of Mankind
__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Dear Emperor of Mankind.
We're still in charge right? I mean with the return of Roboute Gulliman you'd think we High Lords aren't that important anymore are we? But you still mean for us to rule the galaxy in your stead, the way you always intended, right?
You are all a bunch of colossal ****ups! Yes you ruled the galaxy. However you never did it as I intended!
What where you idiots thinking. That I wanted the Imperium to be ruled by a crazy cult. I never wanted to be worshipped as a God. I did not ban all religions just so humanity could replace them with a religion dedicated to me!
I banned them because Religion turns everyone into a bag of dicks. It is even worse of a discussion subject than politics and both ruin family dinners faster than a creepy uncle and a rape secret.
Roboute will set things straight or at least die trying.
Enjoy your banishment to the old folks planet.
The Emperor.
---------------------------------------------
I am Andrew Ryan, and I'm here to ask you a question.
Is a man not entitled to the sweat of his brow? 'No!' says the man in Washington, 'It belongs to the poor.' 'No!' says the man in the Vatican, 'It belongs to God.' 'No!' says the man in Moscow, 'It belongs to everyone.'
I rejected those answers; instead, I chose something different. I chose the impossible. I chose... Rapture, a city where the artist would not fear the censor, where the scientist would not be bound by petty morality.
Where the great would not be constrained by the small!
And with the sweat of your brow, Rapture can become your city as well.
Dear Andrew Ryan...
That sounds like a load of hogwash that will devolve into petty-cults and infightng right quick. You're lucky I need to stay on this throne psychically protecting humanity, or I'd come down there and show you who your BIG DADDY really is...
Dear Supreme Emperor of Mankind...
My name is Trayzn the infinite, and I sir, am a humble collector of rare and interesting artifacts. I was planning a trip to your most excellent homeworld of Terra and wondered if we might not discuss the workings of your most magnificent golden throne over... a cup of tea perhaps. Or blood? or whatever.
I eagerly await your response.
Your humble servant,
Trazyn the Infinite, Supreme Kleptarch.
I know exactly who you are and what you motives are. If you want a golden throne you have to know that several spare ones are kept in case the current one breaks down.
They then just scrape me off and plug me onto the new one. So, Yes you can have one for you museum. It's not like anyone has half the know how left to repair the broken ones anyway.
Also bring me pictures of you exhibits since I am unable to visit you museum in person. Tea would be nice, since if anyone has what is left of the real stuff, it would be you.
We can discuss an exchange. I heart you might have my son Vulcan in you collection.
Are the end times realy upon us?
If so why have I not gotten the Bolter I wanted?
Mom said I would get one when the end times where upon us or when I am old enough.
Did mommy lie to me?
Dear Suzy,
I am assured by reliable sources that this is NOT the end times. I am told that it is not about to become, you know the age of ME and darkness will reign for a while yet. And your mother is correct. By the time the real end times are upon us, you will find the bolters you seek lying plentifully on the ground next to the stricken bodies of your sisters, who will -- if I may use the expression -- remain truly metal till the very end... Till then, keep warm and safe.
P.S. Remember, two thin coats is always better than one thick one, so stick to cloth, not fur....
To the being known as "The Emperor of Mankind"
Greetings. Having recently been accosted by some of your warriors while traveling through a dimensional gate, I am curious to know my species brings so much fascination to your kind. These warriors -- clad in green armor and bearing flame emblems, seemed at first to regard me as a creature of disgust due to the shape of my ears. This is not new behaviour, as even my dear ship's doctor constantly prattles on about it. When I mentioned however, that it is because I am Vulcan, they all fell to their feet and seemed to worship me. Is this normal for humans in your universe? I find it most...fascinating and illogical.
Yours
Commander Spock. Science officer, U.S.S. Enterprise.
"Minor issue, just ignore it. They may have mistaken you for "Vulkan", their Primarch. Their long lost commander they've been searching for, for ten thousand years. I would advise running away very quickly, for they will not be happy when they realize their mistake. Also, there's nothing wrong with pointy ears. Aliens are perfectly fine, as long as they submit to my rule and do not harm mankind."
-E
~
Emperor of Mankind, Terra, Palace,
Please do something. You have no idea how boring it is just watching you sit down. You're omnipotent. Use it. Or summon someone to kill you, so you can be reborn. You are a perpetual. Or have you forgotten?
It is time to come clean on this one. I love witnessing your frustration. It is one of the few things next to answering these posts that brings me some much needed merriment for what's left of my sanity.
Truth be told when I die. I know exactly what it is gonna happen, but I can not tell you, because that would spoil the surprise. Also using my omnipotence might screw things over for humanity and the universe at large, if it goes wrong.
I hope this answers your question.
Now stop complaining or I will have mounted in front of me so we cant have a stare down competition, which you will lose, because I am me.
In reference to March 11 Cinema Snob Forum. Grizzly II.
We just saw the so called Grizzly II footages at your website. I am stunned and furious about this unauthorized and vicious approach to a movie which is characterized by you as an "extremely bad and messy" film which was not worth finishing. I have made a copy of your video and sending it to my attorney.
I'd like to inform you that I am the sole owner and control party in the Grizzly II movie and without my authorization the movie can not be shown in any media or other related sources. I immediately request you to remove this horrible review and please contact me at my email address.
You have the wrong address. Now, I get to speak to you instead of the poor soul you send that to. Your reviewers have the right to say what they will. Listen to what they say. If your movie sucks, it sucks, regardless of what you think. Being omniscient, I must say I agree with your reviewer.
-E
~
Emperor of Mankind, Terra, Palace,
Bring it on. I'm a disembodied intelligence attached to an infinite array of ever-staring eyes. I don't even have eyelids. I am designed by the finest minds of the -MEMETIC HAZARD REMOVED- to be the best omnipresent observer ever created. I have over 300 eyes looking at you right now. I was created to look at things, and I am the best observor belonging to the -MEMETIC HAZARD REMOVED-. You are nothing to me but another item to stare at. I will stare at you for a time imperceptible by human eyes, you have my word. Even though it is very boring.
Bring it on. I'm a disembodied intelligence attached to an infinite array of ever-staring eyes. I don't even have eyelids. I am designed by the finest minds of the -MEMETIC HAZARD REMOVED- to be the best omnipresent observer ever created. I have over 300 eyes looking at you right now. I was created to look at things, and I am the best observor belonging to the -MEMETIC HAZARD REMOVED-. You are nothing to me but another item to stare at. I will stare at you for a time imperceptible by human eyes, you have my word. Even though it is very boring.
-The Omnipresent Observer
Dear Tzeentch,
I don't mind if you watch.
Exhibitionistically,
THE SPEHS EMP
+ + + + +
Dheear Heempurhor,
Hwee haff naht hritten hyoo hay letter in sooo long. How haff hyoo beeen? Anyhway, hwee were jess hwanderreeng eef hyoo har glad that hyur son Robooot Gweelymans finally hwoke ahp frum heez nahp time. Hwee think eet ees hwanderful that hyoo two can spehnd sum time togathur hafter hall thees meeleeneehah. Reemeembur to hyoos tooothpayst!
That letter was painful to read, and I will enjoy your inevitable painful self-sacrifice to the dark gods. But yes, I will enjoy time with Roboute. As long as he doesn't start criticizing my floor tile arrangements, or yelling at Custodes for decorating their armor in a non-standard manner.
-E
~
Dear Emperor,
Why didn't you give Pertuabo more respect and appreciation? You really could have prevented a lot of suffering, if you hadn't been an asshat to your children.
- Pertuabo, I still love you, even though you don't love me... ;( Roboute Guilliman
Why didn't you give Pertuabo more respect and appreciation? You really could have prevented a lot of suffering, if you hadn't been an asshat to your children.
- Pertuabo, I still love you, even though you don't love me... ;( Roboute Guilliman
Dear Bobby,
I love all my kids, in a very specific order. You are like my second or third favorite son. Pert is like my ... eighteenth favorite.
Favorably yours,
IMPERATOR OMNIPOTENS
+ + + + +
Deer Humie Megaboss,
'Ere, wazza matta wiv yer? Yer been sittin onnat gold frone 'steada crackin skullz wiv da boyz. Why dun yer pinch it off awreddy eh? an' git onna war paff agin.
There are many things wrong with me, but the sitting on the throne is mostly because this chair is EXTREMELY comfortable. Plus I can explode peoples heads from half a galaxy away, I don't need to move.
-----------------
Dear Space Emperor,
Are you a fan of Blood Bowl? If so which team is your favorite? I'm partial to the Reikland Reavers but that's just me.
Dear Mr. Dayman.
I've never had time to deal with such trivialities as women. I respect of course that many women serve as guardians and workers for the furtherance of humanity, and are therefore necessary to my efforts. Most of my time was spent among my space marines. We had no time for pleasure. Ours was an existence of constant conflict. Well muscled men...dripping with sweat from exertion... struggling with one another, hand to hand... ooh. All this talk of the heresy has the golden throne's coolant systems working overtime. Better leave it at that.
Sincerely,
The Emperor
_____________________________________________________________________________________________________
Dear Emperor
It has come to my attention that you also enjoy calling yourself the emperor and ruling the galaxy. Also, that you have a fondness for sitting on thrones and not doing much else, surrounded by badass looking guards -- one of my favorite hobbies. Perhaps you could join me and together we could crush these insignificant rebellions and bring peace and securtiy to the galaxy?
It seems we are pretty much the same. Are you perhaps a fragment of my soul that got lost in an other dimension after Horus put my on golden clandestine life support.
If so merging our universes would probably have huge cataclysmic consequences.
Not to mention enraging a bunch of huge nerds on the internet and possible starting nightmarish lawsuits between our corporate owners.
My lawyers of the Adeptus Justiculus have advised me not to answer any further on this matter on the ground that it might incriminate us.
I have an unnatural hatred for the color magenta, do you hate the color magenta? And if so will you join my underground resistance to purge this world from everything magenta colored and related?
I have an unnatural hatred for the color magenta, do you hate the color magenta? And if so will you join my underground resistance to purge this world from everything magenta colored and related?
Revolutionary Yours,
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
Magenta? No, no, I'm pretty cool with all the colors, except of course yellow. You know Dorn's boys, forget what they're called, Umpire's Gloves? Something like that.
They had like one job, build me an unblowupable space castle and keep everyone out so I can get some peace and quiet.
And look what happened.
So I made them wear yellow as a sign of shame.
Old Man Emperor
----------------------------------------------
Begorah! Once more tis Saint Drink'n'fight's Day. Tis the day we shall all get drunk... N'FIGHT!
How are you celebrating Saint Drink'n'fight's Day?
May the road always rise to meet you
Patty McO'Stereotype
Saint Drink'n'fight's sound like an Ork holyday based on the ancient celebration of Saint Patrick's Day, or the Feast of Saint Patrick. It was one of many religious celebrations I abolished after banning all religions on Earth.
The only way humanity could progress was through science, rationality and galactic conquest, so religion, for turning people into raving douchbags had to be flung out a window.
So in short I do not celebrate Saint Drink'n'fight's day. As for the rest of the Imperium under the rule of that massive pile of festering stupidy called the Ecclesiarchy. From what I understand celebrating anything related to drinking and fighting is probably considered heresy unless it is fighting with the enemies of man. Still it is all pretty hypocritical.
Other than obvious, huh? Allow me to explain by reference to the renowned greenskin philosophers Gork and Mork. You see, Gork held that a direct approach is preferable while Mork argued that the best approach is to misdirect or, on occasion, redirect. Whereas Mork emphasized aesthetic effect, Gork favored economy of action. These two great thinkers, however, agreed that whether subtly or obviously enacted, violence answers every worthwhile question.
Cadian real estate prices are at an all time low. There are alot of prime pieces of land available with a canyon view and even lots of wonderfull floating islands in space, perfect for eccentric mansions or space based theme parks.
Some minor CHAOS infestations and volcanic activity aside. It is the perfect place for anyone who is crazy enough not to take advantedge of this great situation.
So I suggest you get right on it.
I see you are some of the unfortunate many who are being foolisly wasted as cannon fodder by the same inept idiots that ruined my glorius Imperium.
I would say the meaning of live is 42. However in my long live I found out that the meaning of live is a lot like time. Relative!
So here is a personal answer: You are not a number you are a small valuable part of the imperial war machine. You have a name, remember your name!
Your are not to die for the Imperium, but to make the enemy trying to destroy it, die for it.
Also the Uplifting primer thing is complete Groxshit and a waste of the paper and ink used to make it.
Keep up the good fight,
The Emperor.
______________________________
Dear God Emperor,
Since you are the Prime Psyker of the Imperium I have a question.
I hear the voices in my head. How do I record them?
Sincirly,
Sister Vennerina Decata,
Order of the Repentant Rose.
Since you are the Prime Psyker of the Imperium I have a question: I hear the voices in my head. How do I record them?
Sincerely,
Sister Vennerina Decata
Order of the Repentant Rose
Mortal,
Before my untimely enthronement, I had Malcador set up a hotline for this kind of issue. Just pick up your vox and dial 1-800-CONFESS. A friendly Customer Service Inquisitor is standing by to assist you with your possession and the expurgation process. You will find that we don't actually need to record the voices. It is more a matter of drowning them out. With fire.
Scorchingly yours,
IMPERATOR OMNIPOTENS
+ + + + +
To the high chief of the mon'keigh tribe, Salutations -
Have you by any chance come across a mega bitchin' relic sword and/or spear of Eldar origin? Asking for a friend.
Since you are the Prime Psyker of the Imperium I have a question: I hear the voices in my head. How do I record them?
Sincerely,
Sister Vennerina Decata
Order of the Repentant Rose
Mortal,
Before my untimely enthronement, I had Malcador set up a hotline for this kind of issue. Just pick up your vox and dial 1-800-CONFESS. A friendly Customer Service Inquisitor is standing by to assist you with your possession and the expurgation process. You will find that we don't actually need to record the voices. It is more a matter of drowning them out. With fire.
Scorchingly yours,
IMPERATOR OMNIPOTENS
+ + + + +
To the high chief of the mon'keigh tribe, Salutations -
Have you by any chance come across a mega bitchin' relic sword and/or spear of Eldar origin? Asking for a friend.
Inscrutably,
Yvraine
Dear member of a dying Xenos race,
Bitchin' Eldar relic, you say? So that's what Roboute has been using to pick lint and other random space debris out from under his toenails! No, I haven't seen it.
Time for you is fleeting, I suggest you go now and attend to your personal matters.
Still Rockin' the Throne after all these Millenia,
Golden Boy
P.S. Please pass along my warmest regards to my fellow god, Ynnead.
We can't all get along because most of our enemy's are want us death. Seriously do you realy think we can get allong with the likes of the Dark Eldar, Orks, Tyranids, Necrons and Chaos followers.
Seriously the other guardsman that ask me about the meaning of life at least some common sense in him. I would suggest you should change places with him if it where possible for you to go back in time.
I would like to answer you in song, but it would not translate well in text.
Go catch a bullet and safe a much more usefull guardsman.
Signed,
The Emperor,
-------------------------------------------
Dear Golden God Emperor,
Is there an "Ask the Space Emporess!" that can handle more feminine questions?
Is there an "Ask the Space Emporess!" that can handle more feminine questions?
Yours Faithfully,
Citizen #4824897\23
Greetings subject!
Do not be confused by the title "God Emperor of Mankind." "Mankind" is an inclusive term. As such, I am completely qualified to answer questions concerning any configuration of genitals. Prepare yourself for Empsplaining.
I do not condone any excuses to burn and otherwise main people in my name. Unless these people are actively trying to destroy humanity.
Let me first explain what is and is not Heresy. First of that big book the Imperial cult preaches, the Lectitio Divinitatus, is not written by me, but by my good for nothing son Lorgar.
Lorgar got really into the whole Chaos thing, spikes, Demons and all, so believing anything they preach from it is believing something written by what you people would call a big, fat, HERETIC.
Worshipping Chaos is pretty heretical or supporting the teachings of Chaos, because we all know what happend to me when my gakky excuse for a son Horus got involved with that crowd.
So let that sink in for a while and think about that when you decide to burn someone for some trivial thing like, liking something that you don't like. I know your kind!
How much Heresy is too much Heresy? I would say what has become of my beloved Imperium and my plans for mankind is pretty Heretical.
Signed,
The Emperor
------------------------------------------------
Dear Emperor of Man,
I live in the middle of nowhere. Whenever I manage to get into civilization and around decent people, I exchange emails because it's the best way for me to get to know them... However, they never email me back. So my communist friend and I have decided to dictate and enslave the entire state. How should we punish them?
I live in the middle of nowhere. Whenever I manage to get into civilization and around decent people, I exchange emails because it's the best way for me to get to know them... However, they never email me back. So my communist friend and I have decided to dictate and enslave the entire state. How should we punish them?
Revolutionary yours,
Victyor Stanilavski.[/i]
Vic,
Communism...*sigh*...how banal. But if you're bored and in the middle of nowhere, I guess any friend with a failed ideology will do, eh? As far as punishment for the inconsideration of others, well, you can read them some Marx, that should be cruel and unusual enough.
Yeah, you heard me...what's up? Too special to answer my invitations to throw down? Ever since you sat your butt down in that chair, suddenly you ain't got time for none of the old crew...and you really wonder why we went all darkside, huh?
Well, when you find a pair, meet me in the Eye...I'll probably be at the bar on Vengeful Spirit.
Yours Chaotically,
Abaddon
P.S. Yes, you can still call me Zeke.
P.P.S. Let the galaxy burn!
Oh Look. If it i'snt another one of the spikey demon worshipping edgefest that surrounded my disappointment of son Horus. You are just as much of a disappointment as he was.
At least my non a-hole son Roboute is still alive and not warped into some demonic steroid induced abomination, unlike your f--ing master who even died after he crippled me to sh*t. So technicaly I still won that fight. What ever happend to his Soul by the way.
So you finaly destroyed Cadia afer what, how many tries, thirteen. If I was you I would have reached to Terra, twelve times over. I am almost starting to believe those pictures I was sent of you without arms. That would have been you only excuse for such glorious ineptitude.
Seriously though what made you think siding with Chaos was such a good idea, I mean I am well aware of the state my beloved Imperium sank to with my internment to this Golden Chair.
See if you guys stayed you still would have had the pleasure of withnesing humanity screw up fantasticaly when left at thier own devices. Something I am now convinced off would inevitably happen if I was in charge.
How are my other sh*ty Sons by the way? Is Fulgrim still trying to get better hair and shinier armor than I ever had. I assume Magnus is still playing amateur Warp Magician. Mortarion still smells like death I gues. Has Angron finaly gotten some proper anger management?
Tell Lorgar he is a constant disappointment and Perturabo to stop being such a petty manchild.
As for my Son's sons; Golden Grand Dad is still disappointed in all of you.
I have become accustomed to having many human-like animals drawn into sexual scenes. Is this weird?
Citizen #34566/56
Dear weirdo,
Yes that is weird - at least here on Terra. But it's a big galaxy. What is weird on Terra is less weird on say, the planet Carlos McConnell, home to Homo sapiens hirsutus - otherwise known as felinids. The trick is finding a felinid who has euphemistically "become accustomed" to drawings featuring standard humans. That way you are each other's fetish. Or if you are really weird, we've also got ratlings ...
You see, mortal, even your particular weirdness is encompassed by my Astronomicon-like benevolence.
Majestically,
IMPERATOR OMNIPOTENS
+ + + + +
Dear Great Man, But Only A Man,
I've been kicking around since the Dark Age of Tech and yes you and I have attended some of the same parties. Let's just say that I used to think you were a cool guy. But man, fame has really changed you. I remember when you used to cruise around with your sons, fighting and free. But then you started locking yourself up in your basement for longer and longer stretches. And now I hear you never leave your palace at all. Plus your fans are totally out of control. I hate to sound nostalgic but don't you ever miss the old days?
I would assure you, that the fact that I am never leaving the Imperial Palace is because I am a mere skeleton attached to a Golden Live support machine build into my golden throne. I was put here by my A**hole son Horus who even in death is still a constand disappointment to me.
You see in my basement, I was building wondrous inventions to help mankind reach the glorious future I had planned for it.
However after Horus threw a b*tchfit, decided with several of his brothers to become all dark and edgy and to worship some demons Lorgar found. Things have gone right down the proverbial sh*tter as it where.
So yeah no more cruising around with my sons, fighting and free at this moment. Unless by some miracle of plot convienence me and my Sons are restored to our former selfs. Given the fact that Roboute finaly decided to get up and do something, has given me a small sparkle of hope. Although that could be Tzeench f*cking around with my Soul fragments.
Well Citizen that's actually a tough question because you see I never had to 'attempt' a world record, I just alter reality so that I have always had that record, there's never any question of failure.
Tallest man in the Galaxy - Me!
Largest ear lobes in the Galaxy - Me!
Record for longest consecutive basket ball dribbling (current at 46 trillion+) - Me!
Tallest woman in the Galaxy - Me! (Emperor Gender Transitioning powers y'know)
So go check, you'll see.
The Emperor
10,000 Time Winner of People's Sexiest Man Alive
----------------------------------------------------
Dear Master of Mankind
First of all i want to congratulate you on the upcoming 8th Age of Mankind, I'm sure you've been working hard altering reality to match your enlightened new vision.
I just have one small question, how will this impact my collection of Limited Collector Editions of The Gathering Storm, Wrath of Magnus, Sheild of Baal and the one where they nuked the Space Wolf planet, forget what it's called.
Anyway I have signed and numbered collector editions and I wanted to know if this will affect their resale value since I planned to retire on what I make from skalping them on ebay.
I had no idea people still considered collecting obscure niche hobbystuff a profitable endeavor.
If I where you I would not base my future financial situation on something as uncertain as the price of things only valuable to such a small and changing group of people.
Then again what do I know. I am just a crippled husk of my former glorious self put on a golden chair after my some of my sons tried to super murder me 10.000 years ago. So do not invest in offspring, geneticaly created or otherwise either.
They take the best years of your life. You give them all the love and guidance you can give, teach them all the wisdom you can and in the end, at least half of them turn into uther disappointments, murdering you and giving you legions of equaly disappointing grand-childeren.
No work hard and safe up nice pension for your self. Maybe invest in some worth wile stock options. Stop wasting time on meaningless trinkets in the hopes they turn into treasure. Even if there are idiots who pay gladly way too much money for them.
Also the fact that my Imperiums ruin brings you such pleasure and joy, tells me you have sided with Chaos or at least some filthy Xenos who wish us all dead. So I have forwarded you letter to the Inquisition.
They may be made of stupid and hypocrisy, but they know how to hunt down and destroy the likes of you.
Signed,
The Emperor.
------------------------------------------------
My Eternal Lord,
I, Jurius Sicassius have been a loyal servant in the ranks of your mighty Astartes legions for as long as I can remember.
While my original Legion is long gone, its name forever lost in the records of the adminstratum, I have since found myself serving alongside many of my loyal brethren from other loyal legions.
I have been a veteran of the long wars. I have faced the cold silvery lines of Necrons fighting along side the Dark Angels. I bled with the Ultramarines in the battle for Macragge, barely surviving the endless waves of Tyranids. My left arm was lost to the Eldar when I was with the Blood Angles. I have hunted withe the Space Wolfs and the White Scars alike. The Ork Warboss known as Gore-Jaw Buzz hands met his end at my hands. I have seen the horrors of the Warp spawn and its servants. They took my right eye. My bolter slayed many a traitor in the battle for Cadia when they launched a 13th attempt to destroy the Imperium I swore to protect. I have lived throught the best and worst moments of this eternal war for humanities survival. I have seen, good men, proud men fall to Chaos by the smallest of vices. I have seen corrupted and lost battle brothers preform last and glorious acts of redemption before thier deaths. My legs where lost to a Tau railgun. Sometimes I wonder if I lost too much of my humanity with each injury.
With all these things I have seen, all I have been through. With all those who I laughed, cried, screamed and sung with.
One question has always burdent me. Like the crushing weight of being trapped beneath a collapsed bunker.
Please I beg of you! Tell me the aswer to my following question!
...
...
...
What makes a man a man?
I, Jurius Sicassius have been a loyal servant in the ranks of your mighty Astartes legions for as long as I can remember.
While my original Legion is long gone, its name forever lost in the records of the adminstratum, I have since found myself serving alongside many of my loyal brethren from other loyal legions.
I have been a veteran of the long wars. I have faced the cold silvery lines of Necrons fighting along side the Dark Angels. I bled with the Ultramarines in the battle for Macragge, barely surviving the endless waves of Tyranids. My left arm was lost to the Eldar when I was with the Blood Angles. I have hunted withe the Space Wolfs and the White Scars alike. The Ork Warboss known as Gore-Jaw Buzz hands met his end at my hands. I have seen the horrors of the Warp spawn and its servants. They took my right eye. My bolter slayed many a traitor in the battle for Cadia when they launched a 13th attempt to destroy the Imperium I swore to protect. I have lived throught the best and worst moments of this eternal war for humanities survival. I have seen, good men, proud men fall to Chaos by the smallest of vices. I have seen corrupted and lost battle brothers preform last and glorious acts of redemption before thier deaths. My legs where lost to a Tau railgun. Sometimes I wonder if I lost too much of my humanity with each injury.
With all these things I have seen, all I have been through. With all those who I laughed, cried, screamed and sung with.
One question has always burdent me. Like the crushing weight of being trapped beneath a collapsed bunker.
Please I beg of you! Tell me the aswer to my following question!
...
...
...
What makes a man a man?
Signed,
Jurius Sicassius
Astartes [DATA EXPUNGED]
Y'know Juri that is a darn good question. Having made a few men in my time I think it's one I can answer.
Now I could say a man is made when the chooses to stand on his feet where others would live on their knees, but I think you've got that already.
Or I could explain to you that when an sperm has and XY chromozone rather than XX, but that's generune stuff and probably over your head.
So... let's just say that when a man loves a woman, or a Grey Hunter loves his Thunder Wolf or an Emperor loves his cloning vats they get together and make a little man. Or sometimes one of the other ones, y'know little Battle Sisters, I forget what they're called. Anyway I hope that helps you fight better.
Love
The E
***************************************************************
Grand Supreme Admiral of Space TS Emporer:
Greetings from Segmuntum Pacificus command here at beautiful Pearl Planet, the only planet made entirely out of a pearl left by a ginormous Space Oyster.
Recently a tech priest came to us explaining that if we switched our Space Boats to solar power rather than Space Coal it would cut emissions, reduce Space Pollution and free up additional space in the hull currently used for Space Coal Bins. It would also mean we wouldn't have to stop every 100 light years to strip mine a planet for more Space Coal.
However our Space Boats have always used Space Coal and I believe that Change Is Bad for does not the Space Bible of Space say 'Change is Bad'?
What do you think, should we execute the Tech priest out of hand, or refer his proposal to a committee for the next 1000 years?
Greetings from Segmuntum Pacificus command here at beautiful Pearl Planet, the only planet made entirely out of a pearl left by a ginormous Space Oyster.
Recently a tech priest came to us explaining that if we switched our Space Boats to solar power rather than Space Coal it would cut emissions, reduce Space Pollution and free up additional space in the hull currently used for Space Coal Bins. It would also mean we wouldn't have to stop every 100 light years to strip mine a planet for more Space Coal.
However our Space Boats have always used Space Coal and I believe that Change Is Bad for does not the Space Bible of Space say 'Change is Bad'?
What do you think, should we execute the Tech priest out of hand, or refer his proposal to a committee for the next 1000 years?
Sincerely Vice Rear Space Admiral Koch Burns
Vice Rear Assistant to the Alternate Understudy Deckhand Burns, Wielder of the Nemesis Coal Shovel - Salutations!
There are four things I truly despise:
(1) explaining my plans to my closest allies (2) xenos scum (3) multiple choice questions (4) making lists
In view of Number Three above, the phrasing of your question greatly displeases me THEREFORE see your new rank in the greeting. As the God Emperor, I am not limited to choosing between (a) or (b) - or even (c) all of the above. This is just like Bobby coming to visit me after his nap, "what happened to the Imperial Truth, dad?" and "I thought there were no gods, dad?" How am I getting a lecture about the Space Bible being hypocritical from the kid who literally wrote the Space Marine Bible? Mote and beam, Bobby! Or didn't you even read the Space Bible? You know who else didn't read the Space Bible - Horus, that's who.
So yes the Space Bible is infallibly correct - change is bad. But duh please read the Space Bible in context or not at all (DISCLAIMER: not reading the Space Bible may be heretical). That specific sacred admonition comes from a passage in 1 Vostroyans explaining why Tzeentch sucks so, so hard (verily). Considering the deeper theological implications, not all change is badwrong Tzeentch change. Some change is heresy-free and me-approved - feel free to consult with you friendly regional Inquisitorial representative on issues like this (DISCLAIMER: consultation may be heretical). For example, all mankind unquestioningly obeying me as some kind of super king changing to all mankind unquestioningly obeying me as some kind of awesome god, that is change for the better.
What was your letter about? Oh right, shoveling coal. Well look, if it has already gone through all the AdMech subcommittees then the next step is to submit it to the Administratum Comptroller of Applications for Threshold Determination Advisory Board Sanctioning Authority Office. It's the one with the skull in the logo, can't miss it. Alternatively, contact your friendly regional Inquisitorial representative for permission to bypass the Administratum approval circuit for direct submission for Ecclesiarchical approval (DISCLAIMER: requesting permission to bypass Administratum approval may be heretical).
As to this implicit objection to strip mining planets - have you ever considered the plight of the fleet-borne strip mining family? It's all well and good for you flag officers and chapter masters in the 1%. But I am the God Emperor of the other 99% as well. Therefore, I hereby decree that in the case that these Solar-pattern enginorums are ultimately approved by my Holy Bureaucracies then all fleet assets SHALL NONETHELESS continue strip mining operations to protect the livelihood of my subjects. We've already lost too many jobs to the Tau! Also, I will make the Eldar pay for it. Hey while we're on that subject, what about all these regulations strangling our industry? - all in the name of reducing Space Pollution to prevent Galactic Warming. As far as I know, the Mechanicum Magi are still studying whether Galactic Warming is even real. I mean, if Galactic Warming is real then why is space so cold? Puh-lease. REGULATIONS REPEALED, EFFECTIVE IMMEDIATELY.
Making The Imperium Great Again,
IMPERATOR OMNIPOTENS
+ + + + +
Dear Bae Emperor of Mankind,
I know things didn't work out between us in the past. But I'm back baby, and this time I brought my girlfriends along, too. You've heard of the Geminae Superia, right? YES THEY ARE TWINS.
I zoggin double dare you to turn me down this time.
Where I alive as my former self, my now non-existent genitalia would be tremble in excitement and bewildered uncertainty.
However in my current state as you are well aware of, I am a mere husk of a man on a throne.
Being sexualy attracted to me is a kin to being attracted to a corpse. One that has been death for quite some time.
Besides I would had way to much important work to do back then, than to bother with such basic urges.
So my advice is get your self a proper boyfriend and learn some decent spelling.
I am the sole survivor of my company and I am trapped in the barracks of my base. Our Commissar shot himself when he realized the hopelessness of our situation. The rest of the squad went to take their chances outside after our commander died. The others who where with me, have been picked off one by one.
We ran out of ammo and ordinace three days ago. Reinforcements are never gonna arrive in time. This message is my only hope for survival. Not just for me but for the rest of the sub-sector. If this fails Exterminatus is the only option left!
What is the best method of defending yourself against a horde of evil squirrels using an onion, a stapler and the complete works of Edgar Allen Poe?
I hope this message reaches you in time.
Signed,
Sebastian Silvullus
Corporal Cadian 234th Division Sub-Sector Sigma-Epsilon 3
I am the sole survivor of my company and I am trapped in the barracks of my base. Our Commissar shot himself when he realized the hopelessness of our situation. The rest of the squad went to take their chances outside after our commander died. The others who where with me, have been picked off one by one.
We ran out of ammo and ordinace three days ago. Reinforcements are never gonna arrive in time. This message is my only hope for survival. Not just for me but for the rest of the sub-sector. If this fails Exterminatus is the only option left!
What is the best method of defending yourself against a horde of evil squirrels using an onion, a stapler and the complete works of Edgar Allen Poe?
I hope this message reaches you in time.
Signed,
Sebastian Silvullus
Corporal Cadian 234th Division Sub-Sector Sigma-Epsilon 3
Dear Sebastian,
I was heartbroken to hear your tale of defeat, despair and courage in the face of hopeless odds. I hear your suggestion of exterminous however your world is rated Alpha-Meu-4, meaning its biosphere is considered essential for raising Space Holstein Cows who produce the milk for my morning cuppa. As such it is vital it survive.
Therefore I have ordered the planet seeded with millions of deadly Space Ocelots who, as you know, are the mortal enemies of Space Squirrels and should have the matter dealt with promptly.
Alas they will arrive roughly six months after you have breathed your last.
As for your second question the answer is so obvious I'm shocked it was not covered in your basic training, I will order the Zombified Corpse of Malakar the Sigilite to review the matter.
First cut the onion and use it to make yourself cry. I know that my brave and bold guardsmen would never cry under normal circumstances. Your tears will attract the Space Squirrel who can sense fear.
Then, then the squirrel approaches use the stapler to impale its paw on the floor then bludgeon it to death with the complete works of Edgar Allen Poe. In a pinch your Infantryman's Inspiring whatever its called book will work too.
Yours in omnipotence and enjoying a nice cuppa
The Emporer of Space
I have a problem you might be able to relate to. I have this on-again off-again girlfriend but lately off-again since I am currently housebound due to an old war injury. So lately she has been hanging out with my son. Now he's a big strapping lad, tall, tan, million dollar smile, broad shoulders, real quarterback type. And they, along with her two school friends who are twins, even took a long road trip together.
Now I know I can trust her, she's a real saint really, but I'm feeling a bit jealous. Do you think it would be OK if I sent little Bobby on a suicide mission to invade the Eye of Terror or something?
So like, a couple of Millennia ago I sold this guy a whole song and dance about how the Ruinous Powers were gonna make a big old come back and Space Marines ain't gonna cut it no more. So he paid me like a million billion trillion starbucks to make a better Space Marine. Some kind of Ultra-Ultramarine or whatever.
So I took the cash, then I heard the customer got himself locked in a statis cube so I was off the hook and spend the money on beer.
Cept now he's back as some kind of Eldar zombie cyborg or whatever.
So I'm thinking, if I just put some regular marines in elevator shoes and add a bigger barrel to their guns would that cut it?
Please hold this in strictest confidence as my customer is highly placed in Imperial circles and I would not want word of this to reach him.
If you are talking about my dear son Rowboat, I'm not entirely surprised that he would be stupid enough to give the Mechanicus a bunch of money and then get himself locked in a stasis cube. He's always been a bit of a disappointment like that. I'm also not surprised that the Eldar are pulling their typical BS by bringing him back from the dead. You have my full permission to put some normal Marines on stilts and give them slightly bigger boltguns, maybe Rowboat will learn to pay attention for once...
Signed,
The Emperor
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Dear Space Emperor,
So about ten thousand years ago I talked to this Mechanicus guy named Cawl, and I paid him a crap ton of money to create for me super marines, as normal marines are kind of boring and weak. Well I then somehow got my throat slit and I got dumped into a stasis cube, and now ten thousand years later I've woken back up. Well I found out that this Magos did keep his part of the deal, supposedly, and I have these new Primaris Marines. But they just seem to be slightly bigger Marines with slightly longer guns. Have I been swindled?
I was watching that transaction from my toilet, and I have to say, that man was talking more gak than my own backside! This is nothing but a scam to take more of humanity's money and time, just like every new GW release!
Sincerely,
Daddy McHugelarge
============================
Dear God-Emperor of Mankind,
It is expectant of me that I sacrifice untold hordes of my own kind into the warp so that a god of death can form. What madness is this, and who is to blame for this insanity?
It is expectant of me that I sacrifice untold hordes of my own kind into the warp so that a god of death can form. What madness is this, and who is to blame for this insanity?
Sincererly,
Farseer Irilis of Craftworld Ærouin
I forget, are we still blaming Gav Thrope for everything wrong? Or is it Mat Ward?
Ah one or the other. Or Chapterhouse. Blaming Chapterhouse was big for a while too.
Damn Chapterhouse, that's why we have Orruuks y'know.
Sincerely,
E
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My most omnipotent master,
Recently I returned to our Fortress Monastery after several decades on crusade. After greeting our chapter Serfs (well their kids and grandkids mostly) and the scouts I met a group of Battle Brothers I was unfamiliar with. They stood a head taller than I, wore an unfamiliar mark of armor and had like, extra big guns like they were compensating for something.
As I began to greet them in your holy name they shoved me aside saying 'outta my way shorty' and 'go back to your wheelchair grandpa' and 'go stop a space bullet Marine Secondis'!
Later they beat me up, took my lunch money and trapped me in a locker until one of the serfs heard me calling out and freed me.
Recently I returned to our Fortress Monastery after several decades on crusade. After greeting our chapter Serfs (well their kids and grandkids mostly) and the scouts I met a group of Battle Brothers I was unfamiliar with. They stood a head taller than I, wore an unfamiliar mark of armor and had like, extra big guns like they were compensating for something.
As I began to greet them in your holy name they shoved me aside saying 'outta my way shorty' and 'go back to your wheelchair grandpa' and 'go stop a space bullet Marine Secondis'!
Later they beat me up, took my lunch money and trapped me in a locker until one of the serfs heard me calling out and freed me.
Who are these guys?
Sincerely
Brother Valoric
Ultramar
Dear Valorin,
Rest assured that you still have a valuable place in my eternal armed forces of this Imperium. Serve your best, and when you fall you can rest assured that you will be replaced by something better and more efficient. If you live long enough, you may even be invited to an Imperial Crusade launch party, the last of which was held to send off my beloved Thunder Warriors before they were replaced by yourself and your (recently obsoleted) kindred.
To my favorite old man,
The Emperor of Mankind
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Dear Emperor,
I've now served with your blessed armed forces for 3 months and will be dropping into combat again soon. I'm told that space marines will be present as well as chaos marines. How can I tell the two apart? My commissar hasn't been able to give me an answer and I'm worried about feebly shooting at the wrong one.
I've now served with your blessed armed forces for 3 months and will be dropping into combat again soon. I'm told that space marines will be present as well as chaos marines. How can I tell the two apart? My commissar hasn't been able to give me an answer and I'm worried about feebly shooting at the wrong one.
In Service,
Imperial Guardsman 1032-5B
Honestly I have trouble myself these days, ever since the Marines started wearing robes and glue skulls to every part of their armor I wonder how I'm supposed to tell them apart much less some barely literate guardsman.
Just last week I gave my blessing to some guy in red armor with a skull helmet and absurdly oversized sword. I mean I'm pretty sure he was a Blood Angel or Blood Raven or whatever but you just don't know and with with millions of battles across the galaxy to keep an eye on I really only have a millisecond or so to make a decision.
Anyway you don't have to worry much since odds are you'll never hit the dude and even if you do the odds of your weapon doing an significant damage are like 1 in 18. So just hang out, have fun, shoot at anyone your commissar tells you to shoot and it'll all work out.
This just isn't working out. I mean if was fun for a bit seeing the old haunts, how everything changed, catching up on the news and stuff. But after a while I realized the old feeling just wasn't there, it was like that time I went back to my old high school, neat for like 10 minutes but then sort of empty, it wasn't 'my' place any more y'know.
It was fun catching up with Abby, but he's like the only guy I remember who's still around. Yeah I saw Mags but he's really changed, not like the ole Maggy One Eye I used to beat up and steal lunch money from.
It was kind of cool having all these chicks following my around treating my like some kind of demigod of whatever, but then I found out they'd all taken a vow of chastity and I'm like well this is pointless.
So yeah, if you don't mind I'm gonna get back in my statis chair OK?
This just isn't working out. I mean if was fun for a bit seeing the old haunts, how everything changed, catching up on the news and stuff. But after a while I realized the old feeling just wasn't there, it was like that time I went back to my old high school, neat for like 10 minutes but then sort of empty, it wasn't 'my' place any more y'know.
It was fun catching up with Abby, but he's like the only guy I remember who's still around. Yeah I saw Mags but he's really changed, not like the ole Maggy One Eye I used to beat up and steal lunch money from.
It was kind of cool having all these chicks following my around treating my like some kind of demigod of whatever, but then I found out they'd all taken a vow of chastity and I'm like well this is pointless.
So yeah, if you don't mind I'm gonna get back in my statis chair OK?
Yours
Bobby"
Robert,
Quit your bitching you sniveling, whiny, prima donna. I didn't raise you from my own seed to cry like a baby when things aren't to your liking when you just happen to grace us with your presence again. Grow a pair of your own, will ya! I swear, those four kooky Chaos dieties may have had it right...
Kind of fed up with the constant Imperial manopause,
Hi, my brothers and I hear you're a little fed up with the Imperium. Well, we'd like to invite you and a +1 of your choice to come visit Club Warp for a fully paid, all inclusive 7-day vacation. Come on over and see what you're missing. I mean, what have you got to lose, less Primarch whining? Sounds like a win-win to me. We're talking Slaanesh Daemonettes, on tap, 24/7. Just give it a thought and call me.
Hi, my brothers and I hear you're a little fed up with the Imperium. Well, we'd like to invite you and a +1 of your choice to come visit Club Warp for a fully paid, all inclusive 7-day vacation. Come on over and see what you're missing. I mean, what have you got to lose, less Primarch whining? Sounds like a win-win to me. We're talking Slaanesh Daemonettes, on tap, 24/7. Just give it a thought and call me.
Stinky, but still fun,
"Pops" Nurgle
Pops!
Hows it going? Haven't talked in a while but I've been keeping up with your work. That joke you played on lil Bobby, that was so cruel! Creating a super plague in the rear line and the only cure was to have Bobby walk around, and then it would reemerge when he went back to the front? Making him doubt himself, and wonder if he really wasn't a demigod? Awesome stuff, mean as all heck, but awesome. Bobby kept calling me in tears. Malacore and I were cracking up the whole time.
Anyhoo, I would love to kick back for a bit like we used to do in the old days but this whole Golden Throne/Planet-sized life support thing makes it kinda hard right now. Still I'll be astrally projecting into the Friday poker game as usual. Tell Khaine not to try and take my seat OK?
GE-MOM!
##########################################
Sire,
Recently my Intercessor, Inceptor, Hellblaster, Reiver and Aggressor squads were engaged in an action against the noted heretic Syvus the Silver Tongued and his Iconclastors.
Just as I was rushing up to him to soundly smite him with my Power Sword he abruptly asked me who I am and why we were fighting. I immediately explained I was Brother Captain Imperious Victorious of the Marines Primaris the purified followers of the Primarch and living icons of the Imperium reborn!
And he was all like - So you're a marine with a new hat?
And I was all like - NO! We are the true realization of the Emperor's vision, freed from 10,000 years of superstition and decay!
And he was like - Dude you're just a taller marine in tweeked armor. And more trademark-able names. And bigger guns. You're completely redundant duplicates. I mean they did this in 3rd edition and no one needed to do a whole big fluff-retcon thing to explain it.
And I was all like - I reject your lies! We are clear-headed warriors and the future of humanity!
And he was all like - And that means what exactly?
And I was all like - Well it means we are not warrior priests blinded by millennia of doctrine we are pure warriors focused on protecting humanity rather than muttering prayers or gluing bling to our armor!
And he just pointed at Brother Chaplain Grimcoat and laughed.
I tried to press my attack but for some reason my optics were filled with salty tears and I was unable to prevent his escape.
Since that day my Company has had great difficulty mobilizing. Brother Aggressor Yuge Gunz keeps looking at his crotch skull and muttering 'why is that even here'. Brother Intercessor Shoo-Ti keeps asking the Secondis Marines why they won't let him ride in their Rhino, then crying. And Brother Chaplain Grimcoat won't even come out of his quarters, he just sits there whispering to his wacking stick.
Oh my wise but not divine master, what shall we do?
Yours,
Brother Captain Imperious Victorious of the Marines Primaris
Recently my Intercessor, Inceptor, Hellblaster, Reiver and Aggressor squads were engaged in an action against the noted heretic Syvus the Silver Tongued and his Iconclastors.
Just as I was rushing up to him to soundly smite him with my Power Sword he abruptly asked me who I am and why we were fighting. I immediately explained I was Brother Captain Imperious Victorious of the Marines Primaris the purified followers of the Primarch and living icons of the Imperium reborn!
And he was all like - So you're a marine with a new hat?
And I was all like - NO! We are the true realization of the Emperor's vision, freed from 10,000 years of superstition and decay!
And he was like - Dude you're just a taller marine in tweeked armor. And more trademark-able names. And bigger guns. You're completely redundant duplicates. I mean they did this in 3rd edition and no one needed to do a whole big fluff-retcon thing to explain it.
And I was all like - I reject your lies! We are clear-headed warriors and the future of humanity!
And he was all like - And that means what exactly?
And I was all like - Well it means we are not warrior priests blinded by millennia of doctrine we are pure warriors focused on protecting humanity rather than muttering prayers or gluing bling to our armor!
And he just pointed at Brother Chaplain Grimcoat and laughed.
I tried to press my attack but for some reason my optics were filled with salty tears and I was unable to prevent his escape.
Since that day my Company has had great difficulty mobilizing. Brother Aggressor Yuge Gunz keeps looking at his crotch skull and muttering 'why is that even here'. Brother Intercessor Shoo-Ti keeps asking the Secondis Marines why they won't let him ride in their Rhino, then crying. And Brother Chaplain Grimcoat won't even come out of his quarters, he just sits there whispering to his wacking stick.
Oh my wise but not divine master, what shall we do?
Yours,
Brother Captain Imperious Victorious of the Marines Primaris
Dear Captain Vic-whatever the rest of that was,
Wah. Wah. Wah. You know what I'd do if I had that young, mobile body? Whatever my Emperor asked of me.
I mean, I'm, sitting here in endless agony that can litterlly be seen from the warp, but let me take a few moments to address your concerns over a crotch skull and some departmentum boarding papers. You know why that skull is there? Because your ascension killed everything there worth having. Ever hear of a space marine getting laid? ever? It's not the skull Yuge is really muttering about.
Look I get it, you want to play with your big brothers. But whining about it just leads to more problems. Look - if you behave and say all your little prayers and do your chores for once maybe you can have a transport of your own. Hell, maybe we'll even strip off the treads so you can fit more guns on there. Just quit your whining and kills things like you are supposed to.
On a side note - Primaris? Like the title the psykers already have? I have got to talk to Bobby about his creativity and why it's so terrible. If you see him, tell him I loved Horus more.
Hail Me,
The Emperor of Mankind and apparent possessor of a bunch of whiny space marines.
I know we aren't supposed to write you directly, but the local priest doesn't have nearly enough muscles for me to bother talking to him and the Black Templar priest has way too many. I have faithfully served the Imperium since my induction into the Catachan 113rd at the age of 10. I've learned everything our manly and ruggedly handsome trainers could teach and have toughened myself on the most forsaken battlefields the Imperium has to offer. I've worked hard, and I haven't seen my feet in three years since I beacme more Top-hEavy than the Imperial Knights. My entire squad is also extremely manly and I'm having trouble finding way to out-manly them. Pvt. Killarn L. Kill has started shaving with a rock and we all are now chainsmoking cigar lit only from burning promethum-fueled tyranid corpses. I tried putting on more warpaint, but I'm worried I'm topping from manly to gauche if I apply any more. I tried swapping my lasrifle for two combat knives but then everyone started to do it.
You're the maniliest man I can think of. How did you become so much more Manly than the rest of us? How can I outshine my peers? Especially that smary stuck-up Sgt Rockjaw and his stupid titanium eyelashes. And his stupid designer face paint.
Faithfully yours,
Pvt. Carl Hammerblaster
PS: Being all knowing, do you know where someone can order Titanium eyelash kits? Asking for a friend.
I know we aren't supposed to write you directly, but the local priest doesn't have nearly enough muscles for me to bother talking to him and the Black Templar priest has way too many. I have faithfully served the Imperium since my induction into the Catachan 113rd at the age of 10. I've learned everything our manly and ruggedly handsome trainers could teach and have toughened myself on the most forsaken battlefields the Imperium has to offer. I've worked hard, and I haven't seen my feet in three years since I beacme more Top-hEavy than the Imperial Knights. My entire squad is also extremely manly and I'm having trouble finding way to out-manly them. Pvt. Killarn L. Kill has started shaving with a rock and we all are now chainsmoking cigar lit only from burning promethum-fueled tyranid corpses. I tried putting on more warpaint, but I'm worried I'm topping from manly to gauche if I apply any more. I tried swapping my lasrifle for two combat knives but then everyone started to do it.
You're the maniliest man I can think of. How did you become so much more Manly than the rest of us? How can I outshine my peers? Especially that smary stuck-up Sgt Rockjaw and his stupid titanium eyelashes. And his stupid designer face paint.
Faithfully yours,
Pvt. Carl Hammerblaster
PS: Being all knowing, do you know where someone can order Titanium eyelash kits? Asking for a friend.
See? See? This is what I was talking about!
No whining, no moaning, no waaa-waaa-waaa just a man's man asking how to be more manly.
To tell the truth you're off to a good start, one thing I always admired about you Catachans is, unlike some spoiled whiners, you don't need 400 lbs of armor just a T shirt and lots of oil.
So with respect to your question,i thjink you guys are doing fine. But you might want to think about getting those spring-loaded ballistic knives from that one issue of the Punisher where he shot the knife blade 10' and it stabbed his printer. Those are boss.
Yours
Ramb-Emporer!
*************************************************
Dear Mr. Teh Emporer
I love My Little Carnifex: Friends are Sustenance, it's my favorite in the whole world and I watch it on everyday in TV and on Daddy's phone.
My favorites are Pinky Maw, Rainbow Furious Charge and Twilight Bioplasma but I also like Flutter Shriek and Butter Claw.
I don't like Rarifang, she's not nice.
Mommy says Carnifexi aren't real they're just cartoons. But Father Quadmanos of the Church of the Four-Armed Emperor says they are real and that if all the fans stand outside at night and look at the brightest star and say 'Come great devowerer my body is ready" then we can all meet Carnifexi for reals!
I love My Little Carnifex: Friends are Sustenance, it's my favorite in the whole world and I watch it on everyday in TV and on Daddy's phone.
My favorites are Pinky Maw, Rainbow Furious Charge and Twilight Bioplasma but I also like Flutter Shriek and Butter Claw.
I don't like Rarifang, she's not nice.
Mommy says Carnifexi aren't real they're just cartoons. But Father Quadmanos of the Church of the Four-Armed Emperor says they are real and that if all the fans stand outside at night and look at the brightest star and say 'Come great devowerer my body is ready" then we can all meet Carnifexi for reals!
But it's after my bedtime.
What should I do?
Sincerely
Very nice cute little girl
Dear little girl,
You must be kidding me. Tyranids aren't cute, they're here to eat the galaxy and move on to the next. I really think you should get your head checked, and so should your mom.
Regards,
The Emperor
*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*--*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*
Dear Emperor,
Hi! It's Murray the Cat again. Things are really boring in the Secret Room on an adjacent plane to the Avatar Room. It seems things have gone real real quiet in the Avatar Room, in fact, so quiet, we're not sure if there's anyone there anymore. We keep calling out, but we get no response. Could you send us to some Target Practice so Badrukk, his Flash Gitz, and the enslaved Equinox Ensign Marla Gilmore can use their much-improved arsenal? As for me and my kitty friends? We want you to send us to a safe place that is still close to Badrukk, his Flash Gitz, and Marla.
Can you help us out? We can teleport out of the Secret Room, but we have no interstellar spaceship anymore.
I would like to help you in your plight, but I am currently too proccupied with the current state of my Imperium and won't be able to sent you any target practice directly.
However I have order flyers to be dropped at the nearest Ork warbands with directions to your location. Those green skins love a fight and I am sure they won't dissapoint your companions once they get there. I can sadly not spare any starships since we are short on those allready and I have to sort out this Primaris thing everryone wont shut up about.
We at Marshall, Carter & Dark Ltd, Law offices, are counsel for Hasbro, Inc. and Hasbro Studios LLC the owners of the copyrights and trademarks for the MY LITTLE PONY line of toy ponies and related cartoons, including the FRIENDSHIP IS MAGIC?? animated television series. We write because we believe that you in your previous post the show mentioned; My Little Carnifex: Friends are Sustenance, is an infringement of Hasbro’s MY LITTLE PONY: FRIENDSHIP IS MAGIC series.
Further more the characters of Pinky Maw, Rainbow Furious Charge and Twilight Bioplasma, Flutter Shriek and Butter Claw are malevolent mockeries of our copyrighted characters, here by mentioned, Pinky Pie, Rainbow Dash, Twilight Sparkle, Fluttershy and Butterball, portrait as horrible all devouring space bugs, instead of cute, innocent ponies, completely in appropriate for our intended age demographic.
We demand that you CEASE & DESIST with this uncalled for and hostile portrail of our copyrighted franchise.
We feel that said actions go beyond mere parody and will associate Hasbro’s MY LITTLE PONY: FRIENDSHIP IS MAGIC (copyrighted by Hasbro.) with undesirable views of cosmic horror and scary space bugs. Hasbro has stated they manage those well enough on there own in the show.
We would write directly to the post owner, however there is no contact information on the website, and the domain registration information is located in a different space-time plane.
We are authorized to act on Hasbro’s behalf regarding these matters. The information provided in this communication is accurate to the best of my knowledge and is provided under penalty of perjury.
We would also appreciate it if you forwarded this correspondence to the post owner.
Thank you for your cooperation in this matter. This letter does not purport to be a complete statement of the facts or the law and is without prejudice to Hasbro’s legal and equitable rights.
Sincerely yours,
Marshall, Carter & Dark Ltd
Law offices.
NYC, LONDON, HONG KONG, IAUKTHAOTHR'ZHIXZ.
We at Marshall, Carter & Dark Ltd, Law offices, are counsel for Hasbro, Inc. and Hasbro Studios LLC the owners of the copyrights and trademarks for the MY LITTLE PONY line of toy ponies and related cartoons, including the FRIENDSHIP IS MAGIC?? animated television series. We write because we believe that you in your previous post the show mentioned; My Little Carnifex: Friends are Sustenance, is an infringement of Hasbro’s MY LITTLE PONY: FRIENDSHIP IS MAGIC series.
Further more the characters of Pinky Maw, Rainbow Furious Charge and Twilight Bioplasma, Flutter Shriek and Butter Claw are malevolent mockeries of our copyrighted characters, here by mentioned, Pinky Pie, Rainbow Dash, Twilight Sparkle, Fluttershy and Butterball, portrait as horrible all devouring space bugs, instead of cute, innocent ponies, completely in appropriate for our intended age demographic.
We demand that you CEASE & DESIST with this uncalled for and hostile portrail of our copyrighted franchise.
We feel that said actions go beyond mere parody and will associate Hasbro’s MY LITTLE PONY: FRIENDSHIP IS MAGIC (copyrighted by Hasbro.) with undesirable views of cosmic horror and scary space bugs. Hasbro has stated they manage those well enough on there own in the show.
We would write directly to the post owner, however there is no contact information on the website, and the domain registration information is located in a different space-time plane.
We are authorized to act on Hasbro’s behalf regarding these matters. The information provided in this communication is accurate to the best of my knowledge and is provided under penalty of perjury.
We would also appreciate it if you forwarded this correspondence to the post owner.
Thank you for your cooperation in this matter. This letter does not purport to be a complete statement of the facts or the law and is without prejudice to Hasbro’s legal and equitable rights.
Sincerely yours,
Marshall, Carter & Dark Ltd
Law offices.
NYC, LONDON, HONG KONG, IAUKTHAOTHR'ZHIXZ.
Dear Law office,
Copyright Infringement no longer exists in the 41st millennium.
Prepare to be purged for the heresy you have just sent me.
Regards,
The Space Emperor
----------------------------------
Dear Emperor,
So, where were you during Hurricane Matthew of 2016? Haiti? Florida? Or *gasp* North Carolina?
You know damn well I caused those things you little hack. Call me when a species worships you.
Bless Me,
*The Emperor*
______________________________________________
Dear Emperor,
I have been faithful in my tithes and charity as per Imperial Law. When my son was found to be a little wierd, we shipped him off to the black ships just to be safe. I've even attended more than the required daily Mass and made certain to pray every time I plowed my field.
The local PDF left yesterday along with the government and the local chapter of the space marines have cleared out. I'm standing here with a pitchfork and a sea of orks heading there way downtown.
Where are your armies? Did we do something wrong? Will you intervene or are we truly doomed?
I have been faithful in my tithes and charity as per Imperial Law. When my son was found to be a little wierd, we shipped him off to the black ships just to be safe. I've even attended more than the required daily Mass and made certain to pray every time I plowed my field.
The local PDF left yesterday along with the government and the local chapter of the space marines have cleared out. I'm standing here with a pitchfork and a sea of orks heading there way downtown.
Where are your armies? Did we do something wrong? Will you intervene or are we truly doomed?
I supposed I could google what the @#$% any of that is, but my Google searches are still backlogged with all my searches for skin creams, vitamin drinks and spa treatments. Do you know how hard it is to find anti-aging treatments suitable for 40,000 year old invalid?
Which reminds me, hey Zombified Corpse of Malcador the Sigillite! Found anything yet?
Well keep looking!
E out!
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My holy master,
As the Supreme Vice-Arch-Canoness of the Sisters of Justice and Welfare (the SJWs) I have always made it a point to unceasingly stamp down on the greatest threat facing the Imperium, I refer of course to Micro Aggressions.
Just last week after I single-handedly slew a dozen ork nobs a guardsman said that I fight well for a woman. We immediately purged the entire regiment with fire and blood.
A month ago, after we finished cleared a Space Hulk of Genestealers a Blood Angel captain said my armor looked good. I pushed him out an airlock to drift forever.
And yesterday an Arbitor said 'You are my equal and I respect your personhood' but he kind of smirked when said it so I set him on fire.
No one can question our purity or dedication to forever freeing the Imperium from the scourge of Micro Aggressions. Yet when I put out a call for allies to assist us in eliminating the Chaos Cultists infesting our world there was no reply. Why will no one side with the SJWs?
Sincerely,
Supreme Vice-Arch-Canoness Puritina Canonite of the SJWs
First read the Codex Astartes. Then Read the Imperial Truth. Hell read the last thousand years of Imperial history while you are at it. I'm looking for the term 'Micro-Aggression'...
...nope. not there. Haven't heard that term since the world fell to nuclear fire in the early 2000s. You really, really, need to update your rehtoric and get with the 41st century here. Xenos and Tratiors are the hotness right now and you need to focus on those things. Leave 21st century politics to the historians.
Blessings and whatever I'm supposed to say,
Space Emperor the First (and only)
_______________________________________
Dear Omnissiah,
I was hoping you could settle a debate amongst ourselves here in Hive-Foundry 273/A. It seems Archmagios Cawl has directed us to do some very non-STC directed modifications and we are debating whether we should try them out before declaring him a heretic. I mean floating tanks do sound cool and all, but I have always believed that inovvation was a tool of the enemy. I mean the Dark Mechnicas invoate all the time, and most of the time it's just adding more useless flesh to an already perfectly working machine. Last piece of it we saw was a Leman Russ with a giant nose on front. I mean, a Nose? What the hell was that for?
I can't help but feel the same way about the floating tank. Is it really a tank if it doesn't have treads. Is the extra resources worth it if we can't even type 'Can Fly' on the dataslate? I know we are supposed to follow directives and all that but this ...innovation.. just feels wrong. What if the next directive is to add more legs to the dreadnought or a third layer of space marine armor to a centurion?
Some guidance would be wonderful. I'm just not certain if we should follow through on these changes or just ship the tank with the normal treads and let Cawl deal with it himself.
Innovation is not a bad thing. Now I know change is scary. Especially if large parts of your body consist out of out dated technology. Innovation is what made me create all my wonderous inventions, before I was put on this Golden chair by my good for nothing son. Innovation is what led humanity to the stars. Innovation is what created 98% of your bodies mechanical parts. It is responsible for anything from farming to medical treatments. From the weapons we use and the starships we fly.
Now how innovative ideas are used is what makes the difference. Maybe you should ask Cawl for an intelligence upgrade if innovation still scares you. I mean floathing tanks are awesome! My Custodes used them all the time back in the day. Those where fun times. All it took to win a battle was ME and my army of golden men.
I hope innovation will eventually make it possible for me to get off this throne and go around kicking the crap out of everyone responsible for the mess we are currently in!
Yours sincerely
The Emperor.
------------------------------------------------------
Dear Golden Granddad,
Blessing upon you and your most loyal son, our father Rogal Dorn.
I was patrolling the local Hive city of Necromunda the other day, looking for potential recruits for our chapter and some guy passing by gave me a "thumbs up". What gang does that represent?
Yours sincerely,
Thramion Polunus
One of your most loyal Astartes of the Imperial Fists and guardians of Holy Terra.
------------------------------------------------------
Dear Golden Granddad,
Blessing upon you and your most loyal son, our father Rogal Dorn.
I was patrolling the local Hive city of Necromunda the other day, looking for potential recruits for our chapter and some guy passing by gave me a "thumbs up". What gang does that represent?
Yours sincerely,
Thramion Polunus
One of your most loyal Astartes of the Imperial Fists and guardians of Holy Terra.
Dear Polunus,
Adeptus Astartes are well liked by the Imperium. That is why they gave you a thumbs up.
Regards,
Teh Space Emporer
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Dear Emperor,
Anything interesting happen in your throne room lately?
Did you watch the 2017 Solar Eclipse at all? If so, where did you watch it from?
Anything interesting happen in your throne room lately?
Did you watch the 2017 Solar Eclipse at all? If so, where did you watch it from?
Regards,
Somebody with a curious mind
Well some kid named Bobby came by, said he was my nephew or son or something, seemed like a nice kid, I gave him one my old pocked knives and he was all 'golly, gosh thank you'. So there was that.
As for the eclipse I missed it since I spent all of 2017 on the surface of the sun. It seemed the best place to get away from Trump's Twitter feed.
I am shocked and saddened to hear that Hasbro has taken offense at our popular and educational cartoon My Little Carnifex: Friends are Sustenance. I truly do not see how they could see any sort of trademark infringement in our characters Twilight Bioplasma or Rainbow Furious Charge. My Little Carnifax is a completely original property like Genetic Transformers and GS Joe!
I certainly hope we can work things out without resorting to litigation. Think of all the people whose livelihoods would be threatened.
For as our popular character Optimus Dominatrix says "Sustenance is the right of all sentience beings."
We ask that Hasbro's lawyers meet us on the Planet of Delicious Animals in the Barbecue Sector.
Perhaps you could join us? For as Flutter Shriek says "A true, true friend helps a friend in need - by contributing her biomass to the collective."
Sincerely
Hy V. Fleet
Chairman and CEO of Four-Armed Toys Unlimited
Why do all you people insist in involving me your legal battle.
You make wish that after abolishing Religion I should have abolished copyright laws.
I suggest instead of sending you messages to me you send them directly towards each others legal department.
Preferably through the administrative hell that is the Adaptus Administratum as punishment for wasting my time.
Who do you support? Please vote for one. Here are your candidates:
Bill de Blasio [ ]
Michael Tolkin [ ]
Richard Bashner [ ]
Robert Gangi [ ]
Sal Albanese [ ]
Please return your ballot to your assigned polling precinct.
Regards,
NYC Mayor Democratic Primary Ballot
Dear Mr. Ballot,
As you know I consider New York one of the quaintest districts of my palace/city/world/thing. I often astraelly project there to have some bagels and lox, unfortunately the Carnegie Delhi was turned into a geothermal heat sink so i have to go to Katz which is good but not quite the same.
Anyway my point being it really don't matter who's the official hall monitor of Palace District X34-745-B, it's still the greatest city on Earth or Holy Terra or whatever you kids call it these days.
The E
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Dear Mr Teh Emporer
I am a big huge fan of My Little Armoured Fighting Vehicle! My favorites are Pinkie Predator and Apple Rhino. I also like Flutter Storm, Rainbow Speeder and Rarity Raider.
I don't like Twilight Annihilator though, ever since she was upgraded to Princess Twilight Annihilator Gunship she's bee a total Mary Sue and don't even get me started on Diamond Whirlwind, she's just a Cousin Oliver.
So anyway my question is, do you think this joke is played out yet?
I am a big huge fan of My Little Armoured Fighting Vehicle! My favorites are Pinkie Predator and Apple Rhino. I also like Flutter Storm, Rainbow Speeder and Rarity Raider.
I don't like Twilight Annihilator though, ever since she was upgraded to Princess Twilight Annihilator Gunship she's bee a total Mary Sue and don't even get me started on Diamond Whirlwind, she's just a Cousin Oliver.
So anyway my question is, do you think this joke is played out yet?
Sincerely
Bronie on Bespin
Dear Bronie,
The joke is stopped, as I sent an assassin to assassinate all the ponies. You will stop being a brony.
Regards,
Big E
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Emperor,
It is Judge Roy Moore. I just won the Alabama Senate Primary Runoff. I have many endorsements, including this one Illinoisan named Steve Baer. We're about to throw a major party, and not only have I invited you, but I am asking you to endorse me. I just cost Luther Strange his job, and I also want to defeat Doug Jones on December 12th, 2017.
It is Judge Roy Moore. I just won the Alabama Senate Primary Runoff. I have many endorsements, including this one Illinoisan named Steve Baer. We're about to throw a major party, and not only have I invited you, but I am asking you to endorse me. I just cost Luther Strange his job, and I also want to defeat Doug Jones on December 12th, 2017.
Could you please endorse me?
Thank you,
Judge Roy Moore of Alabama
Dear Mr. Of Alabama
If you know anything about me, anything at all, you will know that I will always support some named Luther Strange over someone named J Alabama or whatever your name is. You think I'd have made Sly Marbo a one-man army if he was named Dexter Little? You think I'd have made that chick a living Saint if her name was Candice and not Celestia? Listen to his name, let it roll off your tongue Luther Strange, he sounds like if Superman's arch villain became the Sorcerer Supreme and challanged Superman who as you know if vulnerable to magic!
Luther Strange... I mean not since Max Power has there been such a name.
So bow, BOW DOWN before the majesty of Luther Strange! Someone with such a name must truly be invicible! Here let me check this 38000 year old history book I have lying around and...
LOSER! Like I said that Luther washisname is a loser and I never even heard of the guy.
Of course I'll endorse you, Big E likes winners not losers!
Big E out!
--------------------------------------
Dear The Space Emporer
As the Arch Commodore of Task Force 43 I received your assignment to seek out Dark Eldar Raiders in the "Arrg Make it Stop Please Please I'll Do Anything Ahhh!" Nebula, so named for the only broadcast ever successfully sent by the previous 42 task forces.
So anyway yeah my and the captains got together and decided it would just be better for everyone if we like deserted and went renegade. Steve over there is working up a cool logo and everything.
So I just wanted to ask if we need to fill out any forms or anything or if this letter will suffice?
Sincerely
Captain Adrienne AA Avenger
of the Vengeance Class Battlecruiser ISS Revenge
Please note that according to article 133.23 of the Ecclisarchy Military standards field guide, going renegade does not excuse a task force from not performing out it's orders. You may only go renegade *after* your expedition in the 'Arrg!" nebula.
However, I am a generous emperor and have already had all of your friends, lovers, family members and sacks of kittens equivalents tied to stake in advance to help expedite the issue. You may report to the following coordinates for your retirement package upon completion of your mission and which wil include clemency for at least 50% of the gathered friends, lovers, family members and sack of kitten equivalents, up to 100% if your mission is successful.
I look forward to your success in my name,
The Space Emperor
*******************************
Dear Space Emperor,
My name is Timmins O'Dakka and I just recently graduated from Catachan academy - I think I mean they just through us into a pit full of orcs and forced us to climb up the corpses to get out, but that's got to count for college credits or something right? Anyway, I'm wondering if you had advice for any post academy work. Are there extension courses in warpaint ro orc butchering? Could I earn credits towards a Ecclisarchy Degree? The lack of paper around here seems to have made it difficult to determine what my options are. Not that I blame the administrium of course, I understand the trees ate the last group of lumberjacks sent out.
My name is Timmins O'Dakka and I just recently graduated from Catachan academy - I think I mean they just through us into a pit full of orcs and forced us to climb up the corpses to get out, but that's got to count for college credits or something right? Anyway, I'm wondering if you had advice for any post academy work. Are there extension courses in warpaint ro orc butchering? Could I earn credits towards a Ecclisarchy Degree? The lack of paper around here seems to have made it difficult to determine what my options are. Not that I blame the administrium of course, I understand the trees ate the last group of lumberjacks sent out.
Wholly yours,
Timmins O'Dakka
Dear Mr. O'Dakka,
First of all, I would like to say that your mother was a really stupid person, for naming you Timmins O'Dakka. Was she trying to get you beat up in school? My oh my, parenting has really changed since I was put on this throne.
Anyway, I don't know what the Catachans are doing these days, so ask your supervisor what you can do.
Regards,
Das emp
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Dear Empys,
Could you write this year's Winter Storm Naming List? I'd do it myself, but I'm not sure which names to use.
Could you write this year's Winter Storm Naming List? I'd do it myself, but I'm not sure which names to use.
Regards,
Winter Storm Arak'Taral
No f'ing idea what you're talking about. So it's probably heresy.
Or some kind of Millennial thing, never understood those guys with their screw top wine bottles and new iphone every year.
E
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My Once and Future Master
Look I just can't stand it anymore, can't stand it!
I mean having to stock 100 different calibers because everyone's bolters are always mutating. Or the time we couldn't start the rhinos because Angron converted all of them to run on blood and no one told me. Or the time Perturabo added a layer of iron to all the tanks (um they're made of adamantium which stronger and lighter) and they sank into the road.
Remember the big Black Crusade in M38 that swept across the Imperium? Of course not. Because Abaddon ordered that every last bullet be inscribed with 'Death to the False Emperor in the name of Horus the true Warmaster..." went on like that for 500 words. Inscribed on EVERY bullet. There's probably some slaves still working on that 1000 years later. I told the Dark Mech guys we need a simple artillery platform like a Basilisk, they came back with this crab centaur tank think and they're like it's artillery that can defend itself in assault and I try to explain to them that it's ARTILLERY and won't be in assault...
Feh.
So tell you what I am tied of being surrounded by idiots. I want to defect back. I've got a list of Chaos attack plans, supply bases hell I'll even thrown in Abaddon's email password.
It's W4rma$ter. And at least once a week he forgets it and I have to reset to the SAME PASSWORD!
I want a complete pardon, and a beach house on Flossom's Paradise. Not much in the grand scheme of things right?
Yours
Louie, Chaos Daemon Prince of Logistics and Preventative Maintenance
Look I just can't stand it anymore, can't stand it!
I mean having to stock 100 different calibers because everyone's bolters are always mutating. Or the time we couldn't start the rhinos because Angron converted all of them to run on blood and no one told me. Or the time Perturabo added a layer of iron to all the tanks (um they're made of adamantium which stronger and lighter) and they sank into the road.
Remember the big Black Crusade in M38 that swept across the Imperium? Of course not. Because Abaddon ordered that every last bullet be inscribed with 'Death to the False Emperor in the name of Horus the true Warmaster..." went on like that for 500 words. Inscribed on EVERY bullet. There's probably some slaves still working on that 1000 years later. I told the Dark Mech guys we need a simple artillery platform like a Basilisk, they came back with this crab centaur tank think and they're like it's artillery that can defend itself in assault and I try to explain to them that it's ARTILLERY and won't be in assault...
Feh.
So tell you what I am tied of being surrounded by idiots. I want to defect back. I've got a list of Chaos attack plans, supply bases hell I'll even thrown in Abaddon's email password.
It's W4rma$ter. And at least once a week he forgets it and I have to reset to the SAME PASSWORD!
I want a complete pardon, and a beach house on Flossom's Paradise. Not much in the grand scheme of things right?
Yours
Louie, Chaos Daemon Prince of Logistics and Preventative Maintenance
Dearest (accursed) Louie,
Thank you for your thoughtful inquiry about defecting back into my glorious, golden fold and to once again serve the Imperium of Man.
Regretfully, I must deny your application for a few very big reasons.
Firstly, how do I know this isn't some elaborate trap? Maybe you're not even aware this is a trap, and you're just some pawn for someone else to use, so they can find an opening into the Imperial Palace. Suppose this password of Abaddon's you gave me has a daemon virus inserted, for instance. I simply can't have that!
Secondly, even if what you say is true, your nature prevents me from ever accepting your help. I mean, let's face it, you're a Daemon Prince (albeit a low-ranking one, from the sound of things), and I have a strict "No Daemonic Allies" policy. They (and by extension, you) are yucky, and tend to gum up the works frequently. You're also a traitor. No take-backs!
Thirdly, I already know all of the information you've promised me. I know the whereabouts of every single supply base and plans, and Abaddon's stupid password. I even know what color his underwear is! I would gladly relay this information if it weren't for the fact that my tongue and lips rotted off eight millennia ago. I can only awkwardly open-and-close my skeletal jaw every once in a while, and my underlings can only interpret this as a game of mandible-charades.
Finally, if you're trying to escape being surrounded by idiots, the Imperium isn't much better. Half the time, the senile High Lords can't even remember what day it is, let alone what the most pressing matters before them are. The other half of the time, I have to try and stop them from doing something disastrous, like sending every Imperial Guardsman a rolling walker, just because they "felt charitable". And it only gets worse as you go down the line.
Really, you're better off trying to send a re-design of that crab tank thing.
Now, if you want to help, you can position yourself on the mining world of Septium V, and await the nice, friendly men with big "I"s on their clothes. They'll take your statements shortly after.
After serving the Ultramarines Chapter for many centuries, and after counselling my brothers with faith and vigilance, I find myself... troubled. And short.
Whilst I am most grateful for your guidance, and the wisdom and leadership of our resurrected Primarch, I can't help but feel somewhat inferior with the introduction of these Primaris Marines. They're stronger, faster, and quicker than any of my brethren. Not to mention... taller.
I also can't help but wonder if this is a sign of things to come, that we will one day be phased out, cast aside, be rendered obsolete. If this be your divine will, even I would have trouble being consigned to this final fate.
Could you enlighten me on this conundrum? Will us "normal" Marines continue to serve you until the End of Time?
Glory unto you,
a humble Chaplain
P.S. ...oh, all right, I'll include this in here, too. Also one of the Primaris called me "shrimp" the other day. It made me a bit peeved.
After serving the Ultramarines Chapter for many centuries, and after counselling my brothers with faith and vigilance, I find myself... troubled. And short.
Whilst I am most grateful for your guidance, and the wisdom and leadership of our resurrected Primarch, I can't help but feel somewhat inferior with the introduction of these Primaris Marines. They're stronger, faster, and quicker than any of my brethren. Not to mention... taller.
I also can't help but wonder if this is a sign of things to come, that we will one day be phased out, cast aside, be rendered obsolete. If this be your divine will, even I would have trouble being consigned to this final fate.
Could you enlighten me on this conundrum? Will us "normal" Marines continue to serve you until the End of Time?
Glory unto you,
a humble Chaplain
P.S. ...oh, all right, I'll include this in here, too. Also one of the Primaris called me "shrimp" the other day. It made me a bit peeved.
Chaplain, These "primaris" marines are an abomination unto me. Who dares to think they can improve upon my great design? My primarchs were perfect, having built them myself. The Space Marines created from them were nothing less. If any of these Nu-Marines cause you problems, the Death Watch will gladly take them.
Your most Holy Emperor ___________________________________________________________ Oi! Ya stupid git! We'z takin Orkmageddon fer ourselfz and dere ain't nothin' you can do 'bout it. If ya fink ya got what it takez to stop uz, we'z be ready for a krumpin. Ghazzy
Oi! Ya stupid git! We'z takin Orkmageddon fer ourselfz and dere ain't nothin' you can do 'bout it. If ya fink ya got what it takez to stop uz, we'z be ready for a krumpin.
Ghazzy
Dear Ghazzy,
There is some target practice on the planet DRIVER_LESS that you can go to instead. I really don't want to send an Exterminatus to Armageddon.
Regards,
Das emp
------------------------------
Dear Emperor,
What do you think of Donald Trump? I know you're not Donald Trump, despite people knowing you as Donald Trump.
So please, tell me. What do you think of Donald Trump?
What do you think of Donald Trump? I know you're not Donald Trump, despite people knowing you as Donald Trump.
So please, tell me. What do you think of Donald Trump?
Regards,
Earth
I'm sorry, but... who? Honestly, there's been so many different world leaders and warlords of Earth, I've lost count.
As for the guises I took on before revealing myself, I never created a persona by that name. It does remind me of that one time where I tried to unify the cradle of humanity by making myself an Emperor Penguin, and forming an army of my "brethren". It was... a less-than-successful endeavor, as all they were able to conquer was Antarctica. Any time we tried to even intimidate any humans, they would simply go "Awww, look how cute they are!" Strangely enough, I found some humans living on Antarctica in bunkers. Not sure why...
Anyways, that's all in the distant past. Aren't you glad you've been completely covered in overcrowded hive cities, Terra?
Thought for the Day: Serve the Emperor today. Tomorrow you may be deZY KILLFRENZY KILLFRENZY KILLFRENZY KILLFRENZY KILLFRENZY KILLFRENZY K--
Sad, just sad. Once upon a time you shook the universe, whole worlds fell to your chains and now... you're spamming a tired old man.
You guys just suck. I can't wait till the Tyranids start munching on your Nose of Horror or whatever you call it.
E OUT!
---------------------------------
Most holy master,
For many light years my brethren and I have fought alongside the mighty Marines Primaris against the forces of Chaos. It seems like only a few months but according to my calendar it's been 2 or 3 hundred years. Time does fly.
In any case recently Brother Primaris Bolterus Maximus was recently hit in the head and needed urgent medical treatment. As I was picking bits of helmet out of his skull I found this weird chip that I'd not seen before. When I checked it, the information seemed to be entirely in Eldarese, the only thing in Space English was the words 'Order Sixty Six'. Do you think I should just put it back in and forget I ever saw it?
For many light years my brethren and I have fought alongside the mighty Marines Primaris against the forces of Chaos. It seems like only a few months but according to my calendar it's been 2 or 3 hundred years. Time does fly.
In any case recently Brother Primaris Bolterus Maximus was recently hit in the head and needed urgent medical treatment. As I was picking bits of helmet out of his skull I found this weird chip that I'd not seen before. When I checked it, the information seemed to be entirely in Eldarese, the only thing in Space English was the words 'Order Sixty Six'. Do you think I should just put it back in and forget I ever saw it?
Sincerely,
Brother Apothacary Trapper Quincy
Dear Quincy,
Yes, you should put it back in and forget your ever saw it.
Regards,
Das emp
--------------------------------
Dear Emperor,
So, what's your verdict on the 2017 Hurricane Season? Yes, I know it doesn't end for another 12 days, but here's mine.
Very Active and Destructive season. Hope we never get another one like it.
"Dear Emperor,
So, what's your verdict on the 2017 Hurricane Season? Yes, I know it doesn't end for another 12 days, but here's mine.
Very Active and Destructive season. Hope we never get another one like it.
What's yours?
Regards,
Hurricane Lover"
Dear HL,
Just drop the Chinese a note and tell them their myth is getting out of hand. That should sort it.
Enjoying a Pina Colada on the throne,
A very chilled Emperor
So I'm heading over to Adepticon in 4 months and I usually bring the Waaagh with Orcs, but this year I want to do a totally new army, list, etc. Which army, in your divine opinion, should I roll with? Heretical options on the table, just for arguments sake... .
Thanks for your input and I hope you're enjoying that premium Pina Colada mix I sent you last Christmas.
So I'm heading over to Adepticon in 4 months and I usually bring the Waaagh with Orcs, but this year I want to do a totally new army, list, etc. Which army, in your divine opinion, should I roll with? Heretical options on the table, just for arguments sake... .
Thanks for your input and I hope you're enjoying that premium Pina Colada mix I sent you last Christmas.
Sincerely,
BigWaaagh
Well I find that when I go to war I never feel right unless I have an army of 10' tall guys dressed in SOLID GOLD, I think they're called the SOLID GOLD DANCERS but I could be misremembering. And make sure they bring along their SOLID GOLD Caddies too, cause everything is better when it's SOLID GOLD.
Yours
King of Bling
*********************************************
So yeah, it looks like we're in for an invasion by an army of Space Demons and possibly a big dude with an axe. So I'm putting a team together, I've got a Sister of Battle, a combat servitor, a kid who runs real, real fast, and dude who's like totally good at swimming AND has a pitchfork. And then there's me, I'm rich (so much money, all the moneyes).
Do you think that's enough, or should I use heretical alien technology to raise this Space Marine dude from the dead and turn him into some sort of unholy cyber super zombie monster?
So yeah, it looks like we're in for an invasion by an army of Space Demons and possibly a big dude with an axe. So I'm putting a team together, I've got a Sister of Battle, a combat servitor, a kid who runs real, real fast, and dude who's like totally good at swimming AND has a pitchfork. And then there's me, I'm rich (so much money, all the moneyes).
Do you think that's enough, or should I use heretical alien technology to raise this Space Marine dude from the dead and turn him into some sort of unholy cyber super zombie monster?
Yours
Bryce Bain
Gotham Hive, Dceu Cluster
Well as you know I have a simple rule about using unholy alien technology to raise dead superwarriors to fight once again.
Hey man, so the other day I was selling Space Beef (which I call Speef) to Space Pakistan (which I call Spakistan) and Space Pork (which I call Spork) to Space India (which I call Spindia). And things were going OK until my invoices got mixed up and ended selling some Speef to Spindia and Spork to Spakistan. So long story short I had to get out of town fast.
So I've been crashing at my friend Elucia's place and I have one thing. I mean she has a ship with like a million billion crew or whatever, but only five guards. Granted she also has her bridge crew, Nurse Kruger, Big Metal Dude, Bondage Ninja and Shotgun Guy (who I call Shotguy) oh and the doggie, such a good boy. But you'd think she'd like more than 5 guards in case like her crew get infected with chaos coodies or whatever.
Now I don't like to cause trouble for my host and stuff, hey it's her ship and to her credit she never tried to sell Spork to Spakistan, but do you think I should bring it up?
You know I abolished Christianity, Islam and Hinduism, right? Hell how do you even know these are a thing? I'm getting the Inquisition, clearly you've been reading something you shouldn't have - or your a perputual. The solution is the same either way.
Also Elucia pays her imperial tithes and you don't - guess which one I like better?
Please tip the inquisitor that delivers this to you (before the torture begins),
Space Emperor and Your God.
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Dear Space Emperor,
I am glad my missive has reached you. I am a poor Imperial Governer whose homeworld has been overthorwn by agents of chaos. My family was able to relocate 100,000,000 SPACE CREDITS. As you are a LOYAL IMPERIAL CITIZEN, and we are currently out of favor with the ADMINISTRATUM we wish to arrange for you to transfer the funds, keeping 10% OF SPACE CREDIT to the BANK OF YOUR CHOICE. This will allow my LOYAL IMPERIAL FAMILY to continue to wage war against the UNHOLY forces of CHAOS that impede our progress and make you rich. If able to help us out TO YOUR FINANCIAL BENEFIT than please forward your account edtails and biometrics to me at your EARLIEST OPPORTUNITY.
We wood like to visit for a midnight znack. How does Ice Cream and brains zound?
sincerely,
the Zombies
Check with the Zombified Corpse of Malcador the Sigillite, he'll set you up. I think we have some spare corpses in the basement after I drained their souls.
My most wise lord, for many light years I have studied your scripture but one thing continues to puzzle me.
In the Book of Big Steve it is written:
"Lo! Did Teh Space Emporer sit at the table of the restaurant and Lo! did the waitress ask unto him 'Wilst thou have thine Grox Strew or thine Grork Roast' and thus did Teh Space Emporer reply 'I shall have unto me the Grox Stew' and it was good."
Thus we have established that Grork Roast is unclean in your eyes and unfit for the faithful and we shall feast upon Grox Stew.
However in the Book of Skinny Johnny it is written:
"Lo! Did Teh Space Emporer sit upon the seat of his flight to Newark and Lo! did the stewardess as unto him 'Wilst thou have thine Grox Stew or thine Grork Roast' and thus did Teh Space Emporer reply 'I shall have unto me the Grork Roast' and it was good."
Thus we have established that Grox Stew is unclean in your eyes and unfit for the faithful and we shall feast upon Grork Roast.
Master, which interpretation is correct? Our chefs await your reply!
Yours,
Brother Father Master Patriarch Sam
Temple of Teh Emporer's Sacred Meals
