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 War Kitten wrote:


Dear Space Emperor,

Is mayonnaise an instrument?

Signed,

Patrick

Dear Patrick,

No, Mayonnaise is not an instrument. Horseradish isn't an instrument either, Patrick.

Regards,

Das emp
----------------------------------------------
Dear emp,

WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Signed,

The Orks

Dear space emparor

Why do the tau always bring so much dakka

Regards
Guardsman leroy jenkins

 jhe90 wrote:
Dear space emparor

Why do the tau always bring so much dakka

Regards
Guardsman leroy jenkins

Dear Leroy Jenkins,

I think its because Tau are seriously overpowered. I advise you to stay away from them. Have fun!

Regards,

Das emp
--------------------------------------------
Dear emperor,

Meow! Meow meow meow. Meow meow meow? Meow.

(Hi! I'm Murray the cat. I'm lost in New York city of 2016. Could you transport me to the Avatar Room? Thanks)

-Murray the cat

 KaptinBadrukk wrote:

Dear emperor,

Meow! Meow meow meow. Meow meow meow? Meow.

(Hi! I'm Murray the cat. I'm lost in New York city of 2016. Could you transport me to the Avatar Room? Thanks)

-Murray the cat

Hi Murray,


Come here kitty kitty kitty, come on! Come on!

Aww, stop walking away :C

-Tha EmpRAR

===============

To the GEoM,

Execute Order 66.

- Palpatine

 Selym wrote:


To the GEoM,

Execute Order 66.

- Palpatine

Dear palpatine,

Order 66 cannot be executed. Sorry.

Regards,

Das emp
======================================================
Dear emperor,
Who do you support? Here are your candidates.

DEMOCRAT
[_] Hillary ClinTon
[_] Bernie Sanders

REPUBLICAN
[_] Donald Trump
[_] Ted Cruz
[_] John Kasich

Please return your ballot to the nearest polling station in Maryland.

Regards,

Maryland Primary Ballot

 KaptinBadrukk wrote:

Dear emperor,
Who do you support? Here are your candidates.

DEMOCRAT
[_] Hillary ClinTon
[_] Bernie Sanders

REPUBLICAN
[_] Donald Trump
[_] Ted Cruz
[_] John Kasich

Please return your ballot to the nearest polling station in Maryland.

Regards,

Maryland Primary Ballot

Dear Maryland Primary Ballot,

I support none of those jackasses, as I would not trust any of them within a continent's reach of ANY red buttons. From racist nutcases to category-hating bigots, every last one of them is just trying to gain access to WMD's so that they can blow up anyone who is different. Not one o fthese people have yet realised the necessity of diplomacy, and they are all actively repulsing foreign countries with their statements.

Thank you,

The GEoM.

===================

Dear EMP,

Could you please deactivate the enemy electronics?

Tyvm,

A Guardsman.

 Selym wrote:


Dear EMP,

Could you please deactivate the enemy electronics?

Tyvm,

A Guardsman.

Dear Guardsman,

No.

Regards,

Das emp
------------------------------------------
Dear emperor,

I want you to endorse me. Why? Because I will MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN!
Other reasons to endorse me:
I have more delegates than anyone else on the republican side
Ted Cruz and John Kasich are mathematically eliminated
And once more, I will MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN!

Regards,

Donald J Trump

 KaptinBadrukk wrote:
Dear emperor,

I want you to endorse me. Why? Because I will MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN!
Other reasons to endorse me:
I have more delegates than anyone else on the republican side
Ted Cruz and John Kasich are mathematically eliminated
And once more, I will MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN!

Regards,

Donald J Trump

Dear The Donald,

From the moment you and your brothers disappeared from the secret laboratory hidden beneath my palace on Terra, I knew some of you would find the strength of will to seek me out. It's time you learned your true name: Rogal Don. Now you and your brothers will join me on a crusade to MAKE THE GALAXY GREAT AGAIN. Standing together, we will drive back the the Immigrant, the Socialist, and the Establishment Favorite. Well, I personally need to get back to work in that secret lab but you guys will do fine. I'm promoting your brother Hilarius to Warmaster while I'm away because he is the most experienced/masculine. Good luck!

Laterz,

Dad

- - - - -

Dear the Emperor of Mankind,

So I saw your nasty tweet complaining about me jacking your style. Whatever, we both know who copied who.

Get a life!

Sigmar - accept no substitutes

 Manchu wrote:

Dear the Emperor of Mankind,

So I saw your nasty tweet complaining about me jacking your style. Whatever, we both know who copied who.

Get a life!

Sigmar - accept no substitutes

Dear Sigmar,

I do have a life, consisting of keeping daemons at bay and answering people's stupid letters.

Regards,

Das emp
- - - - - - - - - - - - -
Dear Emperor,

I was at school today, and was researching the Lewinsky Scandal, which happened in the late 1990s, between Bill Clinton and Monica Lewinsky. I accidentally clicked on a link that led me to a page about a sexual act. I won't say what the sexual act was, but I immediately closed the tab, cleared my history, and continued my research. I hope nobody saw me. Did I do everything to erase all evidence of the link I accidentally clicked on? Or will someone find out? I'm really scared here.

Please help!

-Scared high school student

Set the computer on fire and throw it out a window.
Or to use a technical term, incinerate and defenestrate.
-Emperor of Mankind

---------------------------------

Dear Emperor,
How the ever-living feth do I complete this summoning ritual correctly? The only ones that work from this webpage are the ones for summoning Harpies. When I tried to summon a Daemonette, for scientific reasons, I started growing tentacles from my ear!
-Whateley

 Verviedi wrote:
Dear Emperor,
How the ever-living feth do I complete this summoning ritual correctly? The only ones that work from this webpage are the ones for summoning Harpies. When I tried to summon a Daemonette, for scientific reasons, I started growing tentacles from my ear!
-Whateley

Dear Heretic,

Sorcery is bad. We only allow SCIENCE around here. I'm sending over an Inquisitor to explain the details.

Sincerely,

Emperor of Mankind, Scientist

P.S. - The ear tentacle thing is bad but messing with daemonettes will give you hairy palms.

- - - - -

Majesty,

Our fortress monastery only has boy bathrooms. But what about battle brothers who identify as battle sisters? I mean, not Sisters of Battle. You know what I mean. As someone who spends a lot of time on the throne, what are your thoughts?

Loyally yours,

Blond from Baal

 Manchu wrote:


Majesty,

Our fortress monastery only has boy bathrooms. But what about battle brothers who identify as battle sisters? I mean, not Sisters of Battle. You know what I mean. As someone who spends a lot of time on the throne, what are your thoughts?

Loyally yours,

Blond from Baal

Dear Blond,

Why not turn the boys' bathrooms into unisex bathrooms? If you don't know how that works, then I will tell you.

A unisex bathroom works this way: When there is a man in the bathroom, then the man using the bathroom will put the male symbol on the door. When there is a woman in the bathroom, then the woman using the bathroom will put the female symbol on the door. Simple as that.

And for transgender people, just have them put either symbol, be it male or female (whichever one the transgender person is closer to, preferably) on the door.

Hope I helped!

-Das emp
-------------------------------------
Dear Emperor,

I'm from 2016, as you may know. That is, 4/28/2016. I want to know, who wins the Democratic and Republican nomination? And which nominee wins the general election? I think it will be Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump who wins the Nomination(s) and Donald Trump will win the general election. What about you? I know you can see into the past. Right now, Trump and Hillary are leading.

Who will win?

Thanks,

Citizen from 2016

 KaptinBadrukk wrote:
Dear Emperor,

I'm from 2016, as you may know. That is, 4/28/2016. I want to know, who wins the Democratic and Republican nomination? And which nominee wins the general election? I think it will be Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump who wins the Nomination(s) and Donald Trump will win the general election. What about you? I know you can see into the past. Right now, Trump and Hillary are leading.

Who will win?

Thanks,

Citizen from 2016

Pitiful fool,

Weep; for my reign over the human race will commence millennia after your death and the only leaders you will ever know are but petty tyrants, unworthy even of the people of your pathetic era.

As to your actual question - it may surprise you to learn that I do not commit to memory every trivial event that has transpired during the long ages of my existence. And I can't be bothered to google it for you.

Smugly,

IMPERATOR OMNIPOTENS

- - - - -

Dear the Emperor,

I'm thinking about rushing a Space Marine Chapter this semester. I am excited about the brotherhood, the community service, and of course networking. Problem is, I don't know which Chapter is right for me. How would you advise someone trying to pick the right Chapter?

Yours truly,

Facing a Big Decision

 Manchu wrote:

Dear the Emperor,

I'm thinking about rushing a Space Marine Chapter this semester. I am excited about the brotherhood, the community service, and of course networking. Problem is, I don't know which Chapter is right for me. How would you advise someone trying to pick the right Chapter?

Yours truly,

Facing a Big Decision

Dear Sir,

I think you should do the Ultramarines. Some people refer to them as the Ultrasmurfs, which I laugh at (internally, I can't move my face). They are quite strategic, and Games Workshop's poster children for the Space Marines.

Good luck!

-Das emp
------------------------------------
Dear Emperor,

Are you married? Have you ever been married? If you are married, who is it to? If you have once been married, but are currently not married, who were you married to?

Regards,

Anonymous (not the band of hackers)

Anonymous,
I remember this one woman. She was very feminine. Can't remember much else. I've been alive a very long time.
-Emperor

---------------------

So, I tried turning that Inquisitor into a daemonhost using SCIENCE!, but all that happened was my laboratory violently exploding. What's the best way to get Shoggoth ash out of a hard drive?
-Whateley

 Verviedi wrote:


So, I tried turning that Inquisitor into a daemonhost using SCIENCE!, but all that happened was my laboratory violently exploding. What's the best way to get Shoggoth ash out of a hard drive?
-Whateley

Dear Whateley,

I'm afraid your hard drive has failed. Especially with Shoggoth ash in it.

If you tell me the specs of your hard drive (ie, SSD or HDD, 40GB space, 7200RPM, SATA I at 1.5 Gbps (gigabits per second)) then I will find you another one at no cost to you.

Regards,

Das emp

OOC: If you do not know what any of that means, here is your answer.

SSD=Solid State Drive
HDD=Hard Disk Drive
GB (note the capital "B")=Gigabyte
RPM= Revolutions per minute
SATA= Serial ATA, SATA I is up to 150 Megabytes per second, SATA II is up to 300 Megabytes per second, SATA III is up to 600 Megabytes per second
Gb (note the lowercase "b")=Gigabit, equal to about 125 Megabytes
Gbps (note lowercase "b", "p", and "s")=Gigabits per second

---------------------------------------------
Dear emp,

I have this problem with my computer. Every time I try to run a program, a succession of pictures in the following come up:

Ork warboss
3872 pictures of Ork boyz in quick succession
Ork nobz

Then the computer gets a Blue Screen of Death with the code "FETH_U_TFG_PLAY_ORKS" and STOP error code 0x173467321476C32789777643T732V73117888732476789764376L. The computer restarts, but then, when I open a program, such as IE (version 11), I get the pictures and the Blue Screen of Death. I can only operate to some degree in Safe Mode with Networking. Can you help? I have this 9001 page paper due tomorrow.

Thanks,

Computer Geek

 KaptinBadrukk wrote:
Dear emp,

I have this problem with my computer. Every time I try to run a program, a succession of pictures in the following come up:

Ork warboss
3872 pictures of Ork boyz in quick succession
Ork nobz

Then the computer gets a Blue Screen of Death with the code "FETH_U_TFG_PLAY_ORKS" and STOP error code 0x173467321476C32789777643T732V73117888732476789764376L. The computer restarts, but then, when I open a program, such as IE (version 11), I get the pictures and the Blue Screen of Death. I can only operate to some degree in Safe Mode with Networking. Can you help? I have this 9001 page paper due tomorrow.

Thanks,

Computer Geek

Dear Cogitator Dork,

Uhhh ... to be honest I stopped following tech developments back in M31. Try calling the IT guys over on Mars. I would be sure to have some ritual incense ready to burn, that's always the first thing they suggest.

Technologically indifferent,

IMPERATOR OMNIPOTENS

- - - - -

Blind Idiot Pretender to Divinity,

I have a friend, well, it's me really, or part of me, my other head, you know how I have that condition, anyway the other head wants to ask out a certain daemonette but he says he has foreseen that she will reject him. But I have foreseen that she will say yes. The trouble is, we don't remember which one of us is the liar or maybe we never knew. Anyhow can your feeble mortal mind approximate a solution?

Contradictably,

Kairos Fateweaver

 Manchu wrote:


Blind Idiot Pretender to Divinity,

I have a friend, well, it's me really, or part of me, my other head, you know how I have that condition, anyway the other head wants to ask out a certain daemonette but he says he has foreseen that she will reject him. But I have foreseen that she will say yes. The trouble is, we don't remember which one of us is the liar or maybe we never knew. Anyhow can your feeble mortal mind approximate a solution?

Contradictably,

Kairos Fateweaver

Dear Kairos,

My-oh-my this is so easy. You should wait and see what happens. It's what I did a while ago, and what I sometimes still do today.

Keep me posted.

-Das emp
--------------------------------------
Dear Emperor,

Do you miss the primarchs?

Regards,

Imperial Citizen #73117888

 KaptinBadrukk wrote:

Dear Emperor,

Do you miss the primarchs?

Regards,

Imperial Citizen #73117888

Dear Jimmy,

Do you mind if I call you Jimmy? Well Jimmy, what does the fact that I am answering letters from peons called Jimmy tell you about how much free time I have these days? I'm boooooored. So yeah, I do miss those little jerks. If you ever get lucky enough to have kids, just keep in mind that they grow up and betray you in the blink of an eye. And then do they ever write or call? You can forget about any of the ungrateful bastards bothering to come and visit.

Get off my space lawn,

IMPERATOR OMNIPOTENS

- - - - -

Deehr Heemporhor,

Hwych hwan ees yoohor fayforeet Kayhoss Gowd? Hwee liek theem awll. Hwee coodeent heefen chews hif hwee hweer forst. Ees eet thee saym fhor hyoo? Kayhoss ees sooo awssum.

Hyoo arr steenkee,

Culteest-Chan

Tzeentch. He's not always a complete world-ending dick. Khorne ate my favorite dog, Nurgle gave my wife a bacterial hysterectomy, and Slaanesh keeps sending me excessive amounts of chocolate in the mail.
-Emperor

----------------------

When I try to read the label on my hard drive, it just renders in my brain as Od'obod fhtagn Nyarlathotep gyar'dhlal, mgah'ai o'shan, so I'm afraid that I can't give you that info. Also, there is now an eye on my hip. I'm not sure if that's supposed to be there or not. Your advice?
-Whateley

 Verviedi wrote:

When I try to read the label on my hard drive, it just renders in my brain as Od'obod fhtagn Nyarlathotep gyar'dhlal, mgah'ai o'shan, so I'm afraid that I can't give you that info. Also, there is now an eye on my hip. I'm not sure if that's supposed to be there or not. Your advice?
-Whateley

Dear Whateley,

Enclosed is your hard drive.



It is a 15TB SSD (solid state drive), and will hold all the data you could possibly want. It has no moving parts, and even comes with 16GB RAM. I hope you enjoy it.

Any more problems, let me know.

-Das emp
------------------------------------------------
Dear Emperor,

Are you having trouble loading webpages? I mean, seriously, are you?

Well, press the following key sequence simultaneously.

Ctrl+F5 (leave out the +)

This will make your computer work well again!

Regards,

Internet Explorer 11

I've been using Chrome for 37,985 years already, you're late.
-Emperor

---------------------

I inserted that hard drive, and my computer straight up fethin' exploded. My pet lizard is dead, and I'm bleeding. I have a feeling this requires stitches.
Anyway, all this experiment revealed is that I need a warded hard drive to store all of my data. Information that makes things catch fire if it's read out loud needs better information security.
Addendum: Some men in black tactical gear showed up at my door, and were eaten by a Shoggoth. Are they important?
-Whateley

Dear emperor


I wad at work today and it came to me, why do we cover everything in skulls?

Seriously? Even the skulls have skulls
Ps also what's with the rivets?

 jhe90 wrote:
Dear emperor


I wad at work today and it came to me, why do we cover everything in skulls?

Seriously? Even the skulls have skulls
Ps also what's with the rivets?

Dear Random Person,

We are the imperium. Skulls are our specialty. So are rivets.

Regards,

Das emp
-------------------------------
Dear Emperor,

Windows failed to start. A recent hardware or software change might be the cause. To fix the problem:

1. Insert your Windows Installation Disk and restart your computer
2. Choose your language settings, and then click "next"
3. Click "repair your computer"

If you do not have this disk, please contact your system admin or computer manufacturer for assistance.

File: \Boot\BCD

Status: 0xWAAAAAGH1

Info: The orks have taken your PC's boot files.

-Your computer

Dear My Computer,

Install the holy Windows 98, that should solve the issue.

Regards,

Das Emp

----------------------

Dear Space Emperor,

What is the meaning of life?

Regards,

Bob (formerly Arbite Bob)

 War Kitten wrote:


Dear Space Emperor,

What is the meaning of life?

Regards,

Bob (formerly Arbite Bob)

Dear Bob,

First, I'm happy to hear from you again. I was worried that the Daemons killed you. How did you escape?

Second, life has many meanings, but the broadest definition is something that lives and breathes.

Hope I helped!

-Das emp
----------------------------------------------
Dear Emperor,

What can you do with Windows 98 in 2016? I need some help.

Regards,

Citizen from 2016

Dear Citizen,

You can do nothing with Windows 98, for it is an abomination against the Machine. Please fast-forward to the 41st Millenium and report to the nearest AdMech Outpost for immediate purging.

Regards,

Emp


-------------------------

Dear Space Emperor,

Have you heard of the R.O.U.S's (Rodents of Unusual Size)? My friend claims that they exist, but I'm not too sure, so I'm seeking out the opinions of others.

Regards,

Dread Pirate Roberts

 War Kitten wrote:

Dear Space Emperor,

Have you heard of the R.O.U.S's (Rodents of Unusual Size)? My friend claims that they exist, but I'm not too sure, so I'm seeking out the opinions of others.

Regards,

Dread Pirate Roberts

Dear Mr. Roberts,

I have never heard of them. But that doesn't mean they don't exist.

Regards,

Das emp
----------------------------------
Dear emperor,

It's a FAAAAAAAAAAKE!!!!!!!!!

-Senator Vreenak

Dear Senator Vreenak,

It's a REEEEEEEAAAAALLL thing!!!

From The Emprah.

=================================

Dear Mister Emperor,

I am considering selling all of my 28m scale 40k stuff, in favour of purchasing some stuff to begin playing Maelstrom's Edge.
I am, however, going to keep and expand my 6mm scale Imperial Guard and Tyranid armies.

What are your opinions on this?

Regards,

A disillusioned 40k player.

 Selym wrote:


Dear Mister Emperor,

I am considering selling all of my 28m scale 40k stuff, in favour of purchasing some stuff to begin playing Maelstrom's Edge.
I am, however, going to keep and expand my 6mm scale Imperial Guard and Tyranid armies.

What are your opinions on this?

Regards,

A disillusioned 40k player.

Dear disillusioned,

I that you should keep all of it. And play Maelstrom's edge.

Regards,

Das emp
----------------------------------------------
Dear emperor,

I'm the republican nominee! And I will beat everyone else! Even Hillary Clinton!

Please endorse me!

-Donald J Trump