korbenn wrote:


Dear Emperor of Mankind,

What a happy coincidence that my letter to princes Celestia ended in a whole other dimension.
I am so excited by the discovery of your people and can’t wait to meet your Highness so we can all be friends!
We are currently working on a magic portal to your world so you and your friends can come over to ours and me and my friends can throw you a welcome party.
My friend Pinkie Pie is already baking the cupcakes. My friend Applejack is supplying her best batch of apple cider just for the occasion.
I have not told Princess Celestia about any of this, because I hope we can surprise her together.
Everypony will be so happy to meet you I am sure!

Best regards and hope to see you soon,
Twillight Sparkle.

 korbenn wrote:

-------------------------------------

Dear Sir,

I object strongly to the obvious pony turn this thread has taken the last couple of posts.
Why can't we read more about the human body? There is nothing embarrassing or nasty about the human body except for the intestines and bits of the bottom.

 korbenn wrote:
Dear Derp King,

Keep up the good work! Now go knock'em dead.

Yours truly,
The Emperor.

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Freddy Grisewood, Bagshot, Surrey.

As a prolific post-writer, I feel I must protest about the previous post. I am nearly sixty and am quite mad, but I do enjoy listening to the BBC Home Service. If this continues to go on unabated ...Dunkirk... dark days of the war... backs to the wall... Alvar Liddell ... Berlin air lift ... moral upheaval of Profumo case ... young hippies roaming the streets, raping, looting and killing.

Yours etc., Brigadier Arthur Gormanstrop (Mrs).

 ZergSmasher wrote:

Dear Emperor,
How come you never come and stroke my fur anymore? Or feed me? Or play with me? Or let me sit in your lap? Or any of those normal pet things? The only humans I get to interact with anymore are servitors and those horrible creepy cyber babies that always pull my tail! You know, beings like myself used to be treated like royalty on Terra, but now...not so much. Please pay attention to me, or I'll have to have another accident on the floor.
Affectionately yours,
Your cat

 korbenn wrote:


Your Holiness,

Beware the ides of March.

A concerned citizen.

 korbenn wrote:


Your Holiness,

I hereby wish to report that your loyal Adeptus Custodes successfully managed stop an invasion of the palace broom closet.
Foul creatures from another plane of existence managed to breach our walls using forbidden magic.
We suspect this incursion force of small quadruped creatures was possibly aligned with Tzeench, because of their garish colors and sorcery abilities,
Video feed analysis of the incident showed none of the invaders seem to bear any of the typical chaos markings. Also they seem to be carrying colorful bits of paper and sweet pastries instead of actual weapons.
One of the initiates ate a pastry from a box labeled "cupcakes for the emperor". We executed him on the spot. Not to be safe, but because it is forbidden to eat anything more colorful than drab brow or gray. Green is sometimes acceptable.
We do regret to inform you that the attackers managed to flee through the same portal they came in. We would have stopped them where we not blinded by sparkles fired from what appears to be some sort of novelty cannon. Said device has been turned over to the Adeptus Mechanicus for further study.

Our prayers go out to our venerable brother Ventruvius, who encased in his ancient Holy Leviathan Dreadnought body chased after them through their portal right before it closed. May his Cyclonic Melta Lance and Siege Claw bring your Holy wrath to whatever cursed realm he ended up in. Also we suffered the loss of three mobs, four buckets and our entire supply of toilet paper.

The only question remains of what to do with these "Cupcakes". Since they are addressed directly to your Holyness, destroying them would be Heresy punishable by death. Analysis have show them to be harmless, but brightly colored food stuff is also Heresy punishable by death.

May your light guide and protect us,
Chief Custodian, Marcuss Arcturon

 korbenn wrote:


Dear Emperor,

I'm President of the United States! How do you like that!

Signed,
Richard. M. Nixon.

 korbenn wrote:


Dear God Emperor

Thank you for purchasing a McDonnell Douglas military aircraft. In order to protect your new investment, please take a few moments to fill out the warranty registration card below.
Answering the survey questions is not required, but the information will help us to develop new products that best meet your needs and desires.

1. [_] Mr. [_] Mrs. [_] Ms. [_] Miss [_] Lt. [_] Gen. [_] Comrade [_] Classified [_] Other

First Name: Initial:
Last Name:

Password: (max 8. char)
Code name:
Latitude/Longitude/Altitude: / /

2. Which model aircraft did you purchase?
[_] F-14 Tomcat
[_] F-15 Eagle
[_] F-16 Falcon
[_] F-117A Stealth
[_] Classified

3. Date of purchase (Year/Month/Day): / /

4. Serial Number:

5. Please check where this product was purchased:

[_] Received as gift/aid package
[_] Catalog showroom
[_] Independent arms broker
[_] Mail order
[_] Discount store
[_] Government surplus
[_] Classified

6. Please check how you became aware of the McDonnell Douglas product you have just purchased:

[_] Heard loud noise, looked up
[_] Store display
[_] Espionage
[_] Recommended by friend/relative/ally
[_] Political lobbying by manufacturer
[_] Was attacked by one

7. Please check the three (3) factors that most influenced your decision
to purchase this McDonnell Douglas product:

[_] Style/appearance
[_] Speed/maneuverability
[_] Price/value
[_] Comfort/convenience
[_] Kickback/bribe
[_] Recommended by salesperson
[_] McDonnell Douglas reputation
[_] Advanced Weapons Systems
[_] Backroom politics
[_] Negative experience opposing one in combat

8. Please check the location(s) where this product will be used:

[_] North America
[_] Iraq
[_] Iraq
[_] Aircraft carrier
[_] Iraq
[_] Europe
[_] Iraq
[_] Middle East (not Iraq)
[_] Iraq
[_] Africa
[_] Iraq
[_] Asia/Far East
[_] Iraq
[_] Misc. Third World countries
[_] Iraq
[_] Classified
[_] Iraq

9. Please check the products that you currently own or intend to purchase in the near future:

[_] Color TV
[_] VCR
[_] ICBM
[_] Killer Satellite
[_] CD Player
[_] Air-to-Air Missiles
[_] Space Shuttle
[_] Home Computer
[_] Nuclear Weapon

10. How would you describe yourself or your organization? (Check all that apply)

[_] Communist/Socialist
[_] Terrorist
[_] Crazed
[_] Neutral
[_] Democratic
[_] Dictatorship
[_] Corrupt
[_] Primitive/Tribal

11. How did you pay for your McDonnell Douglas product?

[_] Deficit spending
[_] Cash
[_] Suitcases of cocaine
[_] Oil revenues
[_] Personal check
[_] Credit card
[_] Ransom money
[_] Traveler's check

12. Your occupation:

[_] Homemaker
[_] Sales/marketing
[_] Revolutionary
[_] Clerical
[_] Mercenary
[_] Tyrant
[_] Middle management
[_] Eccentric billionaire
[_] Defense Minister/General
[_] Retired
[_] Student

13. To help us understand our customers' lifestyles, please indicate the interests and activities in which you and your spouse enjoy participating on a regular basis:

[_] Golf
[_] Boating/sailing
[_] Sabotage
[_] Running/jogging
[_] Propaganda/disinformation
[_] Destabilization/overthrow
[_] Default on loans
[_] Gardening
[_] Crafts
[_] Black market / smuggling
[_] Collectibles / collections
[_] Watching sports on TV
[_] Wines
[_] Interrogation/torture
[_] Household pets
[_] Crushing rebellions
[_] Espionage/reconnaissance
[_] Fashion clothing
[_] Border disputes
[_] Mutually Assured Destruction

Thank you for taking the time to fill out this questionnaire. Your answers will be used in market studies that will help McDonnell Douglas serve you better in the future - as well as allowing you to receive mailings and special offers from other companies, governments, extremist groups, and mysterious consortia. As a bonus for responding to this survey, you will be registered to win a brand new F-117A in our Desert Thunder Sweepstakes!

Comments or suggestions about our fighter planes? Please write to:

McDONNELL DOUGLAS CORPORATION
Marketing Department
Military Aerospace Division

 korbenn wrote:


Hello, not-tribe-member.

Urk name Urk. Many moons ago, Urk in bad way. Urk kicked out of cave by Thag. Thag bigger than Urk, Thag take Urk spiky club, Urka (Urk wo-man). Urk not able kill deer, must eat leaves, berries. Urk flee from wolves.
Today, Urk big chief. Urk have best cave, many wives, many spiky clubs. Urk tell how.

WHAT DO: make one spiky club and take to cave places below. Add own cave place to bottom of list, take cave place off top. Put new message on walls many caves. Wait. Many clubs soon come! This not crime! Urk ask shaman, gods say okay.

HERE LIST:

1) Urk
First cave
Olduvai Gorge

few) Thag (not that Thag, other Thag)
old dead tree
by lake shaped like mammoth

few) Og
big rock with overhang
near pig game trail

Many) Zog
river caves
where river meet big water

Urk hope not-tribe-member do what Urk say do. That only way it work.

 korbenn wrote:
Dear Forecaster KB,

This explains why there are a bunch of those stupid Tech Priest running around chanting prayers and burning so much incense, you would think they are just setting off smoke launchers.
I am pretty sure the heat from the braziers they set up will be quite sufficient in keeping the Throne from freezing. That is, if they don't set the palace on fire with those damn things.
Maybe I will get a proper dignifying cremation at last. Instead of being a poorly preserved corpse on a fancy chair like some freak show attraction.

Regards,
The Emperor.

-------------------------------------------------

Oi! Golden Humie, Git!

What is you thinkin' tha last lettah was writt'n by an Ork!
Urk iz not a proppa Ork name!
Wher' iz the DAKKA! Or the CHOPPA! All tha't Git iz talkin'bout iz spikey sicks! Them iz not proppa ork Choppa's!
A proppa Ork would use a Shoota and a Choppa. Cause GREEN iz best!
Pleaz sent more humie Gitz wit good bitz for lootin' like them space marine gitz or them weak humies wit lots 'o' tanks!

Warboss Skull'Smakkah.

PS I wantz intrview on yer fancy view box.

 korbenn wrote:


Dear Sir/madam/automated Vox caster answering servitor,

Having spent the past twenty minutes waiting for someone at Astra Militarium to pick up a Vox caster I have decided to abandon the idea and try mailing you instead.
Perhaps you would be so kind as to pass this message on to your colleagues in the Astra Militarium by means of smoke signal, carrier pigeon or realy loud yelling.

As I'm writing this e-mail there are eleven Heretics (I think you call them juves) in Warring Crusader Street which is just off Commercial Street in Sigma Spire XX.
Six of them seem happy enough to play a game which involves kicking a football against an iron gate with the force of a meteorite.
This causes an earth shattering CLANG! Which rings throughout the entire building. This game is now in it's third week and as I am unsure how the scoring system works, I have no idea if it will end any time soon.
The remaining five walking abominations are happily rummaging through several bags of rubbish and items of furniture that someone has so thoughtfully dumped beside the wheelie bins.
One of them has found a buzzsaw and is setting about a discarded chair like a beaver on speed. I fear that it's only a matter of time before they turn their limited attention to the bottle of Promethium gas that is lying on it's side between the two bins.
If they could be relied on to only blow their own arms and legs off then I would happily leave them to it. I would even go so far as to lend them the matches. Unfortunately they are far more likely to blow up half the street with them and I've just finished decorating the kitchen.

What I suggest is this. After replying to this letter with worthless assurances that the matter is being looked into and will be dealt with, why not leave it until the one night of the year (probably bath night) when there are no mutants around then drive up the street in a Chimare before doing a three point turn and disappearing again. This will of course serve no other purpose than to remind us what Imperial Guardsmen actually look like.
I trust that when I take a chainsword to the skull of one of these throwbacks you'll do me the same courtesy of giving me a four month head start before coming to purge me.

I remain sir, your obedient servant.
Mrs Abigail Selestant.

 korbenn wrote:


Dear Emperor,

Would you kindly end this age of bloated decadence we are living in.

Signed,
A pious follower.

 korbenn wrote:
Dear Citizen from 2016,

I have no idea what this 40k rules FAQ is, as your time was way before my time.
Maybe you should write to the Adaptus Historicus so they can check if their is any mention of it in the Imperial historical archives.

Signed,
The Emperor.

----------------------------------------------

Dear Emperor,

I have been ever so faithful this last century. Upon your reawakening I would like the following:

1. Purity Seals.
2. Holy Promethium.
3. A Mark V "Fangmaw" Pattern Chainsword.
4. A juvenile Equestrian.
5. Death to the Heretics.
6. Death to the Xenos.

Signed,
Brother Septimius. Astartes Ultra.

P.S. I will use these items spread your divine glory.

 korbenn wrote:

 korbenn wrote:

Dear Emperor,

I have been ever so faithful this last century. Upon your reawakening I would like the following:

1. Purity Seals.
2. Holy Promethium.
3. A Mark V "Fangmaw" Pattern Chainsword.
4. A juvenile Equestrian.
5. Death to the Heretics.
6. Death to the Xenos.

Signed,
Brother Septimius. Astartes Ultra.

P.S. I will use these items spread your divine glory.

ENCLOSURE

Ooh

We're no strangers to love
You know the rules and so do I
A full commitment's what I'm thinking of
You wouldn't get this from any other guy

I just wanna tell you how I'm feeling
Gotta make you understand

Never gonna give you up
Never gonna let you down
Never gonna run around and desert you
Never gonna make you cry
Never gonna say goodbye
Never gonna tell a lie and hurt you

We've known each other for so long
Your heart's been aching, but you're too shy to say it
Inside, we both know what's been going on
We know the game and we're gonna play it

And if you ask me how I'm feeling
Don't tell me you're too blind to see

Never gonna give you up
Never gonna let you down
Never gonna run around and desert you
Never gonna make you cry
Never gonna say goodbye
Never gonna tell a lie and hurt you

Never gonna give you up
Never gonna let you down
Never gonna run around and desert you
Never gonna make you cry
Never gonna say goodbye
Never gonna tell a lie and hurt you

(Ooh, give you up)
(Ooh, give you up)
Never gonna give, never gonna give
(Give you up)
Never gonna give, never gonna give
(Give you up)

We've known each other for so long
Your heart's been aching, but you're too shy to say it
Inside, we both know what's been going on
We know the game and we're gonna play it

I just wanna tell you how I'm feeling
Gotta make you understand

Never gonna give you up
Never gonna let you down
Never gonna run around and desert you
Never gonna make you cry
Never gonna say goodbye
Never gonna tell a lie and hurt you

Never gonna give you up
Never gonna let you down
Never gonna run around and desert you
Never gonna make you cry
Never gonna say goodbye
Never gonna tell a lie and hurt you

Never gonna give you up
Never gonna let you down
Never gonna run around and desert you
Never gonna make you cry
Never gonna say goodbye
Never gonna tell a lie and hurt you