To Emperor,
Would you like to attend a fine party at my very own house?
From Lelith Hesperex.
Would I?
WOULD I?
Lemme tell ya, I would LOVE to go to ANY PARTY, ANYWHERE BUT HERE. I mean granted this is a pretty sweet pad what with the flying neekid babies and the crazy tech priests in robes and the two titans sitting outside my door but y'know after the first 10,000 years it gets a bit dull. Thank me I signed up for HBO before the big heresy thing huh?
Honey, sweetie, it's me, I just want to tell you that I'm not angry, I'm just very, very disappointed.
I mean really. That pervert Draigo gets a codex with all the trimmings and me, YOUR GIRLFRIEND, just gets a WD article?
How is that fair?
How is that right?
I know our relationship has had it's ups and downs over the millennia, like that time you let those Necrons slaughter us at Sanctuary 101, or the time you shoved us into Codex Witch Hunters when everyone knows we're part of the Eccesiasticy not the Inquisition. But that's OK. Everyone has their issues and we're no exception.
But come on, does anyone even read White Dwarf anymore?
Your one true love
St Celestine
Hieromartyr of the Palantine Crusade
PS Sorry this letter is so short but Draigo and his boys are at the door, something about wanting to borrow some pure blood.
Honey, sweetie, it's me, I just want to tell you that I'm not angry, I'm just very, very disappointed.
I mean really. That pervert Draigo gets a codex with all the trimmings and me, YOUR GIRLFRIEND, just gets a WD article?
How is that fair?
How is that right?
I know our relationship has had it's ups and downs over the millennia, like that time you let those Necrons slaughter us at Sanctuary 101, or the time you shoved us into Codex Witch Hunters when everyone knows we're part of the Eccesiasticy not the Inquisition. But that's OK. Everyone has their issues and we're no exception.
But come on, does anyone even read White Dwarf anymore?
Your one true love
St Celestine
Hieromartyr of the Palantine Crusade
PS Sorry this letter is so short but Draigo and his boys are at the door, something about wanting to borrow some pure blood.
Oh my ME, would you get off of my case woman?! and stop airing our dirty laundry in public. Our relationship reminds me of a space marine vindicator, a useless box that's mostly a liability which one has to take to be able to use it's HUUUUGE gun.
-----------------------------
Dear The Space Emperor,
I'm calling you out! Next month at Wargamesmania in front of a sold out crowd at Madison Square Garden, you and me are going to throw down one-on-one! Don't think your godlike powers will save you, I've already taken down one man with divine powers that thought he was unbeatable, with the lovely ms. Harbinger in my corner I cannot lose. I am the Invincible, I am the Rolling Thunder, and I will be the next wargames world champion! Whacha gonna do when a boosted power twenty four charges in on you?!
Lord commander Coleman Styker
Dear The Space Emperor,
I'm calling you out! Next month at Wargamesmania in front of a sold out crowd at Madison Square Garden, you and me are going to throw down one-on-one! Don't think your godlike powers will save you, I've already taken down one man with divine powers that thought he was unbeatable, with the lovely ms. Harbinger in my corner I cannot lose. I am the Invincible, I am the Rolling Thunder, and I will be the next wargames world champion! Whacha gonna do when a boosted power twenty four charges in on you?!
Lord commander Coleman Styker
Dear Recruit Trooper Styker,
As the GOD Emporer of Mankind i do encourage a bit of friendly sportsman-ship within to ranks to strengthen brotherly bonds, the same bonds that should carry thousands of men to the feild of battle and beyond to victory! And to prove it, Ill give you 5 full minutes to do your best before i used my "I Win" ability on you! And afterwards you can climb through the ranks of the Imperial Gaurd once more to show everyone how much fellowship you are full of!
Yours Truely
The Emprah of Mankind
Dear God Emporer,
I recently awoke from a rather awesome party with no pants, a sore backside, and various idols of Slanesh around me (coated with some filmy substance). What in the name of Holy Terra happened to me, and is there any way to prevent this occuring again?
Yours,
Trooper First-Class Michael
Dear God Emporer,
I recently awoke from a rather awesome party with no pants, a sore backside, and various idols of Slanesh around me (coated with some filmy substance). What in the name of Holy Terra happened to me, and is there any way to prevent this occuring again?
Yours,
Trooper First-Class Michael
I suggest not trusting that bearded man from the hangover. Or the little gay asian guy for that matter.
THE E.
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dear Emperor,
it appears that a member of the Astartes Custodies has been murdered via his eye sockets being torn apart.
He couldn't *put on sunglasses* have seen it coming.
- Detective Heraishio Cain.
Warlord Gazghkull Thraka wrote:
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dear Emperor,
it appears that a member of the Astartes Custodies has been murdered via his eye sockets being torn apart.
He couldn't *put on sunglasses* have seen it coming.
- Detective Heraishio Cain.
P.S.
YEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
Dear Detective Cain,
Yeah, I saw that! I was right there. One second he's standing there on guard, like he has been for the last 100 centuries, the next he's screaming in agony with blood everywhere. It was awesome.
Ya'know, it's little things like this that help me through the millenia. When you've been stuck on a golden crapper for 10,000 years, sometimes you just feel like pulling the plug.
I've alway dreamed of becoming a Space Marine which is why when the USMC (Ultramar Space Marine Corps) recruited me as a scout I was so happy.
It hasn't always been easy, what with trying to sneak around in bright blue armor with a fire engine red gun but I've certainly tried my best and I hope to soon make the rank of Battle Brother.
Recently the Chaplain came by while we were showering and he pulled me aside. He said he could help me make battle brother, but first I had to come to his quarters to 'polish his rod' and 'penetrate the rear armor' and 'launch the boarding torpedo'.
His offer puzzles me. I mean surely rod polishing is the job of a servitor. And while all marines must be able to penetrate rear armor at any time, sometimes with their bare hands, I don't see how I can practice that in the Chaplain's quarters. And finally launching boarding torpedos is the job of the highly trained chapter serfs who man our battle barges, not the role of a Battle Brother.
So my question is will this really help me get promoted?
Yours in humility
Brother Scout Antonius Victorium
Ultramar
I've alway dreamed of becoming a Space Marine which is why when the USMC (Ultramar Space Marine Corps) recruited me as a scout I was so happy.
It hasn't always been easy, what with trying to sneak around in bright blue armor with a fire engine red gun but I've certainly tried my best and I hope to soon make the rank of Battle Brother.
Recently the Chaplain came by while we were showering and he pulled me aside. He said he could help me make battle brother, but first I had to come to his quarters to 'polish his rod' and 'penetrate the rear armor' and 'launch the boarding torpedo'.
His offer puzzles me. I mean surely rod polishing is the job of a servitor. And while all marines must be able to penetrate rear armor at any time, sometimes with their bare hands, I don't see how I can practice that in the Chaplain's quarters. And finally launching boarding torpedos is the job of the highly trained chapter serfs who man our battle barges, not the role of a Battle Brother.
So my question is will this really help me get promoted?
Yours in humility
Brother Scout Antonius Victorium
Ultramar
Dear Antonius,
Oh, honey. You are at a very fragile time in your life. Many choices lie before you, some of which you are going to have to make on your own. This is one of them. You have to ask yourself, is being an Ultramarine everything you want it to be? If the answer is yes, then you just march up to that Chaplain and you show him you've got what it takes, even though his 'rites' may be surprising, scary, or occassionally leave you unable to use a Land Speeder properly for a few days. If the answer is no, then you're a heretic, and must be purged.
Auntie E.
---
Dear the Space Emperor,
I just got back from a road trip with some of my drinking buddies on my space motorbike, and now our home planet seems to be filled with some strange bug like things. They look like a rip off of Aliens and Starship troopers. We've tried asking them to leave, but they've been quite threatening, and have made jokes about our height and our beards. What should we do?
I just got back from a road trip with some of my drinking buddies on my space motorbike, and now our home planet seems to be filled with some strange bug like things. They look like a rip off of Aliens and Starship troopers. We've tried asking them to leave, but they've been quite threatening, and have made jokes about our height and our beards. What should we do?
Yours,
Retcon Thunderguts, Squat
_______________
Drink beer, and worship me.
_______________
Hi therez Speez Emprah git!
Diz is Big Mek Wuzzep, and I like toz tellyportas. Could ya give me some to experiment with?
i killed a bunch of people,forced humanity to come together,killed a bunch of alien races for laughs,and purged all religion. pretty much i was douche bag.
sincerely,the emprah.
----------
dear corpse...thing,
i dont like the way this government is run. what happened to good systems like democracy? did you decide equal rights sucked and flush it out? or were you just a douche bag who thought communists were the good guys? i bet you just liked red and black.
i dont like the way this government is run. what happened to good systems like democracy? did you decide equal rights sucked and flush it out? or were you just a douche bag who thought communists were the good guys? i bet you just liked red and black.
not giving you my name.
Dear obviously anonymous heretic
Your message has been taken by the inquisiton to be checked for any marks of heresy. Your message shows free speech; which shows signs of heresy. Who do you think we are, fun loving slaanesh worshippers?!
Love, the inquisitive post office (thingy )
PS: A grey knight will come to your door and purge you of free will and heresy soon enough.
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Dear Space Emperor
I recently became self conscious about myself and have recently been embarrassed about my weight. My skin is all wrinkly, im pale, feel sick and guts have literally exploded to outside of my skin! Am I fat, or just exagerating?
I recently became self conscious about myself and have recently been embarrassed about my weight. My skin is all wrinkly, im pale, feel sick and guts have literally exploded to outside of my skin! Am I fat, or just exagerating?
Love, A Great Unclean One of Nurgle!
_________________________________________________
try running on a treadmill (I prefere Baneblades) healthy eating (ie. cut down on tyranids) and visit a health spa. (try the sisters hospitalar they 'heal' REALLY well)
for your blatant statement, saying that xenotech is better, a black templar squad is arriving at your door for being both a xeno and a heretic. a xerotic. the highest crime possible.
signed. the emperor
______________________________
dear space emperor.
recently, my squad encountered an eldar farseer and proceeded to 'purge' her in unarmed combat, not even using our sidearms!. will we get promoted for this?
recently, my squad encountered an eldar farseer and proceeded to 'purge' her in unarmed combat, not even using our sidearms!. will we get promoted for this?
signed. a very happy guardsman
_________________
Wait a minute..
You are:
1. A simple guardsman
2. A rapist.
No, no promotion!
Big E
___________________
Emprah git,
Thankz for sending oomans! I can finally test da 20 Stompa's and squiggoths!
Thank ya for da fun!
Thankz for sending oomans! I can finally test da 20 Stompa's and squiggoths! Thank ya for da fun!
Wuzzep _______________________________
thank YOU wuzzep for allowing me to test my new weapons of exterminatus. bombardmet by barking toads.
(failling that we will send in the angry marines who have been knowen to have one of their scouts take out a titan legion wjile aarmed with a toothpick) ____________________________________ dear emperor.
I have just found a portal with purple girls on the other side...I am not sure what to do. they keep telling me that If I come in they will give me a mastercrafted psilencer, but my justicar always told me to stay away from strangers. what do I do?
I have just found a portal with purple girls on the other side...I am not sure what to do. they keep telling me that If I come in they will give me a mastercrafted psilencer, but my justicar always told me to stay away from strangers. what do I do?
confused grey knight
____________
Get in, grey knight, and let the fun start..
Big E.
ps. Kill the justicar. Now.
____________
Emprah git
Toz exterminatuz can shoot speez hulkz?
Ah, who carez. Therez 8 of 'em.
Toz exterminatuz can shoot speez hulkz?
Ah, who carez. Therez 8 of 'em.
Wuzzep
_______________________________
no matter. I have just received report that the angy marines booted you across the galaxy, (go WAAAGH on the tau why dont you?)
_____________________________________
dear the space emperor
why do I haf a spech imped-eemunt and hwhy do I nawt saunD laik other spess muhreenz?
say someone had a bit of their chapter turn to chaos...would that make the chapter suitable for extermination? just curious.
signed.
Not-A-Dark-Angel-At-All
___________
Hrm..
I will see. Yes, I suppose.
Exterminauts is on its way to Caliban.
Have fun,
Your God.
__________
Emprah-git,
Thank ya for showing da way! On the way to there we alzo got some strange red thing in da ship that killed 'arf of da boyz! Fun!
Mind coming along toz Tau?
@ thenoobbomb - It'd be nice if you actually tried to come up with something original with your letters to the Big E rather than just sending ones from the same character over and over again. It's repetitive and annoying.
Darkvoidof40k wrote:@ thenoobbomb - It'd be nice if you actually tried to come up with something original with your letters to the Big E rather than just sending ones from the same character over and over again. It's repetitive and annoying.
Guys, guys, the issue isn't Orks or not, the issue is this should a FUNNY thread, not a dull one. Countless questions like 'I'm gonna get you Emperor' whether signed by an Ork, Chaos or whatever are dull. I'd say unless you have a particularly funny twist on one stay away.
The best questions are ones that either mock GW fluff (do I have enough skulls on my armor?) or use a real world problem but twist into a proper 40k form (the Chaplain says I can get a promotion if I 'polish his rod').
To my most Honoured Commander in Chief, Teh Space Emporer:
It was recently my honour to assume command of the 117th Mordian Mechanized Battallion.
I have under my command 216 Leman Russ tanks of various models, 153 Chimera, 111 mobile artillery units of different types, 79 Sentinels, 26 Valkyries and Vendettas, 13 Hellhounds, 6 Baneblade superheavy tanks, a Leviathan Mobile Command Center, and even have 3 CRASSIUS ARMOURED ASSAULT TRANSPORTS.
And therein lies the problem.
For you see all these tanks require fuel. And ammo. And spare parts. And men, men who require food and water and medical supplies.
But I have not one truck, or cargo vehicle, or staff car to move them in! If I have to go to a meeting across town I must use my CRASSIUS ARMOURED ASSAULT TRANSPORT which requires stopping twice at a gas station to refuel. As I'm sure you understand this is not an option during a battle.
How am I supposed to go to war?
We could strap fuel barrels and ammo boxes to the outside of our tanks but generally we do not want to be putting explosive materials next to our hull.
I've tried contacting the Forge World for help but they have no trucks or cars to sell me. All they could suggest was i buy more CRASSIUS ARMOURED ASSAULT TRANSPORTS or perhaps some new doors.
So I appeal to you. The Emporer of Space. Please instruct Forge World to build us some trucks!
Yours
Col Maximus Von Hattan
117 Mordian Mechanized Battalion
Kid_Kyoto wrote:
To my most Honoured Commander in Chief, Teh Space Emporer:
It was recently my honour to assume command of the 117th Mordian Mechanized Battallion.
I have under my command 216 Leman Russ tanks of various models, 153 Chimera, 111 mobile artillery units of different types, 79 Sentinels, 26 Valkyries and Vendettas, 13 Hellhounds, 6 Baneblade superheavy tanks, a Leviathan Mobile Command Center, and even have 3 CRASSIUS ARMOURED ASSAULT TRANSPORTS.
And therein lies the problem.
For you see all these tanks require fuel. And ammo. And spare parts. And men, men who require food and water and medical supplies.
But I have not one truck, or cargo vehicle, or staff car to move them in! If I have to go to a meeting across town I must use my CRASSIUS ARMOURED ASSAULT TRANSPORT which requires stopping twice at a gas station to refuel. As I'm sure you understand this is not an option during a battle.
How am I supposed to go to war?
We could strap fuel barrels and ammo boxes to the outside of our tanks but generally we do not want to be putting explosive materials next to our hull.
I've tried contacting the Forge World for help but they have no trucks or cars to sell me. All they could suggest was i buy more CRASSIUS ARMOURED ASSAULT TRANSPORTS or perhaps some new doors.
So I appeal to you. The Emporer of Space. Please instruct Forge World to build us some trucks!
Yours
Col Maximus Von Hattan
117 Mordian Mechanized Battalion
I'll see what I can do about it...
Your annoyed Emperor,
The Emperor.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++-++++++++++++++++++++++----+++++++++++++++++++++++++
Dear Emperor,
I wonder, would GW be sued if they made Slaanesh models exactly according to fluff?
As that would have lots of sexual themes on the models.
Warlord Gazghkull Thraka wrote:
Dear Emperor,
I wonder, would GW be sued if they made Slaanesh models exactly according to fluff?
As that would have lots of sexual themes on the models.
-A curious one.
Of course not. Obviously, these 'women' have plagarised GW's creation, Slaanesh, and then claimed they came up with the idea first AND that it is inappropriate! Such lying, spiteful people have no care in furthering the hobby and take advantage of GW's hard work.
I am a 38 year old mother and wife from Macragge. I have been married for 14 years, and in that time have given birth to 2 boys. While we've had our ups and downs, on the whole the children have had a good upbringing and there has been little trouble in the past from either of them.
However, recently my eldest, Jothan, was expelled from Ultramar Heights Academy. A teacher discovered him a week ago, smoking marijuana behind the jetbike sheds. I don't know what could cause him to turn to drugs. The poor boy's only 13 years old, for Emprah's sake!
I understand it's not entirely unexpected-the way his grades have been declining recently had been indicating that something was wrong-but now no school will take him and I fear for his future. I've been told that this could have serious knock-on effects. If he becomes addicted, his whole life will be in jeopardy. I could send him to rehab, but under your rule such care is no longer free. We are only a working class family and have enough on our mind at the moment.
But my biggest concern is of how drugs could enter circulation at a high-standard middle school. This isn't Armageddon. This isn't even Mordian! This is Macragge, at the centre of Ultramar, and we expect an ordered society here. Personally I sespect it's those potheads from the Tau Empire. Never trust the xenos, that's what the inquisitor said, and by You he was right.
I've sent a message to the local government and consulted local police forces, but all of them have told me that it is beyond their control. As the rulers of the planet, it most certainly is not! If not even the noble Ultramarines will help me now, my master, what am I to do?
Your humble servant,
Dear Faithful servant of the Emperor, you are indeed right to be concerned over the well being of you son. Sadly your duty is clear, he must be purged of his sin and given the Emperor's peace to prevent his Heresy from spreading. Option 2 is much simpler, enlist him into the Imperial Guard, let the xeno's sort him out.
Is it wrong of me to collect photographs of you and then cut out your head and replace it with a picture of my head. My friends think I'm wierd but I'm not convinced
Is it wrong of me to collect photographs of you and then cut out your head and replace it with a picture of my head. My friends think I'm wierd but I'm not convinced
What is your opinion of this rather idiotic and rather heretical organization known as "P.E.T.A."?
They wont let me add cybernetics to my hunter-eagle!
What is your opinion of this rather idiotic and rather heretical organization known as "P.E.T.A."?
They wont let me add cybernetics to my hunter-eagle!
Sincerely,
a angry Space Marine Captain.
Dear ASMC
P.E.T.A? People Eating tyranid Apendexes? No they seem cool, crippling the 'nids by allowing septic build up and then causing organ failure.
Why won't they let you add cybernetics. Wierd, Apendex eaters that must eat eagles to. Do it and send them the parts you replace( Like the apendex!)
-------------------
Dear Emprah
Could you in theroy liek turn into a chaos emprah cuz ya know you could be corrupted rigght?
-Emo Spess mahrine
TheWildHost wrote:
Dear Emprah
Could you in theroy liek turn into a chaos emprah cuz ya know you could be corrupted rigght?
-Emo Spess mahrine
dear emo,
>.>
<.<
>.<
i already am one.keep it a secret.oh,your about to die anyways.
your good leader,E.
------------------------------
dear E man,
so,im trying to sell these orks as slaves,but no one likes my prices.they say i should lower it from 100 thrones a pound to 40 thrones a pound.should i listen to them?
so,im trying to sell these orks as slaves,but no one likes my prices.they say i should lower it from 100 thrones a pound to 40 thrones a pound.should i listen to them?
your pal,mr.blueman.
Hrm, normally I disagree with keeping xenos as slaves, why should we feed and house them when there are so many impoverished hive worlders we could enslave instead? But I've gotta say at 40 thrones a pound even I'd be tempted to pick up a few for novelty's sake.
The Emporer of Space
(except the Xenos parts)
-------------------------
To the most esteemed lord of the Human Race of the Milkyway Galaxy
I bring you greetings!
I represent an interngalactic organization that was created to unite the free races of different galaxies and oppose the transgalactic menace whom you call the Tyrnaids. In your language we would be called the Alliance to Exterminate Intergalactic Organism United, though some of our more impatient members from time to time will add the word Yesterday! to our name to show their desire for haste.
The Tyrnaid plague has already left a hundred hundred galaxies stripped of all life and now threatens yours.
Working together we have developed weapons that can help you fight off their endless numbers and would be happy to share them with you, please have your telepaths contact me as soon as possible.
Sincerely
Lord Alpha
Authorized Representative of AEIOU and Sometimes Y
To the most esteemed lord of the Human Race of the Milkyway Galaxy
I bring you greetings!
I represent an interngalactic organization that was created to unite the free races of different galaxies and oppose the transgalactic menace whom you call the Tyrnaids. In your language we would be called the Alliance to Exterminate Intergalactic Organism United, though some of our more impatient members from time to time will add the word Yesterday! to our name to show their desire for haste.
The Tyrnaid plague has already left a hundred hundred galaxies stripped of all life and now threatens yours.
Working together we have developed weapons that can help you fight off their endless numbers and would be happy to share them with you, please have your telepaths contact me as soon as possible.
Sincerely
Lord Alpha
Authorized Representative of AEIOU and Sometimes Y
PURGE THE XENO!
now. let me see that weapon...hmm...lord machanicum! consecrate this!
thank you for your problem solving galactic RAID mister xeno! I will gift YOU this! an armed bolt round moving at 1000 kilometers per hour straight toward your left eye!
thank you for your patronage
emperor -CLaSSIFIED-
dear the space emperor.
I successfully 'purged' a slanneshi cult, using no weapons! will I be getting commendation?
It'd be really nice if people came up with responses as equally good as Kyoto's questions. It's like he writes something really good and humorous, then BAM. Someone jumps in with a rubbish answer and everyone who reads it is just thinking "Oh."
I successfully 'purged' a slanneshi cult, using no weapons! will I be getting commendation?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear unnamed servant,
Questions such as these require further information. If you are a Space Marine, you should be getting a menacing-looking scar, heaps of plot armour, and for some reason no helmet. If you are really lucky, you might get a page in the codex. If you are a Guardsmen, you shall be getting a promotion to Company Commander and, if you have taken grevious wounds, a rubber ring to sit on. If you are a regular citizen, you may be cleansed of Chaos influence and returned to your labour. If you are a Sister of Battle, a video will be posted on the internet for all of us to oggle.
The Emporer
----------------------------
Dear Emporer,
For the last 10,000 years, I have had a successful job in pillaging millions to satisfy my superiors. My working relationship with fellow employees has been good throughout, despite a few little niggles with my many-breasted apprentices.
However, recently I have become increasingly attracted to my boss. She is beautiful, intelligent and funny, and I believe that as her only understudy she may feel the same way about me.
Unfortunately, I fear she may simply use me as a sexual tool. While it may seem odd, a woman using a man as an object, she is very powerful-she has been hunting down and devouring entire race of aliens for the past 10 millenia. I do not want to be picked up and thrown away like a used toy; I wish to have a loving relationship with her. As the God of love and beauty, I think it is possible.
What do you think I should do? Should I go for it?
For the last 10,000 years, I have had a successful job in pillaging millions to satisfy my superiors. My working relationship with fellow employees has been good throughout, despite a few little niggles with my many-breasted apprentices.
However, recently I have become increasingly attracted to my boss. She is beautiful, intelligent and funny, and I believe that as her only understudy she may feel the same way about me.
Unfortunately, I fear she may simply use me as a sexual tool. While it may seem odd, a woman using a man as an object, she is very powerful-she has been hunting down and devouring entire race of aliens for the past 10 millenia. I do not want to be picked up and thrown away like a used toy; I wish to have a loving relationship with her. As the God of love and beauty, I think it is possible.
What do you think I should do? Should I go for it?
Dear Fulgrim
I don't see why you are asking me I'm not an agony aunt, oh wait thats it you are my idiotic son. Well son..... if you truely want my advice I think you should come to my place and talk it over a nice cup of tea or coffee. remeber to pick up your visiting visa which you can get on Titan.
Failing that at least re-name your b******ized legion something else as many guardsmen get confused when they are told they are being attacked byt the Emperor's Children. I mean thanks to that supid Leciteo Divinatus they all think I'm sort of Godly psuedo father. And I hear that before your brothers last visited Terra you destroyed a beautiful statue of me.
Looking forward to our chat.
Your daddy
The big E
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________
Dear the Emporer
Recently I came across some records ion a dusty archeotech in my local hive. They dated back 10,000 years and I must confess I didn't hand them over to my local arbites who for reasons unknown had recently burned down half of the local libary. In these records it talks of the legendary primarchs, but lo there is questions these records refer to. They record 18 yes 18 primarchs and every good imperial citizen knows that they were just 9. It also refrences 9 planets which don't exist. I have friends in the noble houses of this hive and as a result I got a good search of the most complete star maps of the imperium yet I can't find any mention of them. The records also refrence mutiple space marine chapters which using my connections again i found no metion. These chapters are: The Luna Wolves, Dusk Raiders, Thousand Sons, Night Lords, Emperor's Children, Alpha Legion Iron Warriors, World Eaters and Word Bearers. They also refer to these chapters as 'Legions'. Please can you help me understand.
Yours most sincerly and reverntly
A very confused citizen
Hive 3812 Metallica
Recently I came across some records ion a dusty archeotech in my local hive. They dated back 10,000 years and I must confess I didn't hand them over to my local arbites who for reasons unknown had recently burned down half of the local libary. In these records it talks of the legendary primarchs, but lo there is questions these records refer to. They record 18 yes 18 primarchs and every good imperial citizen knows that they were just 9. It also refrences 9 planets which don't exist. I have friends in the noble houses of this hive and as a result I got a good search of the most complete star maps of the imperium yet I can't find any mention of them. The records also refrence mutiple space marine chapters which using my connections again i found no metion. These chapters are: The Luna Wolves, Dusk Raiders, Thousand Sons, Night Lords, Emperor's Children, Alpha Legion Iron Warriors, World Eaters and Word Bearers. They also refer to these chapters as 'Legions'. Please can you help me understand.
Yours most sincerly and reverntly
A very confused citizen
Hive 3812 Metallica
Dusk Raiders? Dusk Raiders who the @#$% are the Dusk Raiders.
Hold on, let me check the World's Wide Webway porthole I keep behind my throne.
Huh.
So the Death Guard wasn't the original name, weird. I mean Death Guard is kind of generic but at least it's better than Dust Raiders, I mean seriously what was I thinking? Must have been the same day I named Angron and Alpharius.
Anyway, Citizen what you have there is an ultra rare collector's item that you should put up on ebay ASAP.
And be sure to also post your full name and home address so the Inqui- I mean customers can contact you with questions.
I'm just a guy, just a regular old IG Joe y'know. But I notice things and some things they just ain't adding up.
So like about a year ago we were fighting some Ultramarines, why were fighting Ultramarines I dunno, ask the Lord Militant.
So we were fighting them and there was this one guy in blue and gold armor with a big banner and all that, really distinticive kind of guy, can't miss him. So it was pretty funny when the Demolisher got a shot off and all that was left of him was two smoking boots.
Then like about a six months ago we're fighting the Ultras again, and I swear I'm seeing the same rhinos we blew up, the same guys we plasma'ed down and even the same gold guy with his dumb banner hanging off his back! This time I know he died because a frigging melta shot zorched his head.
WELL, this week, I bet you can guess what happened? Same damn tanks, same damn squads, same damn guy! And I saw the Commissar rip out both his hearts this time with his powerfist! But y'know what, I bet the next time we fight the Ultras, I bet that guy will show up again.
And that's just the tip of the iceberg! I've seen our Commissar Lord eaten by a carnifex, stepped on by a wraithlord and burnt to ash by a Redeemer. But every week he shows up and leads us. And I've seen his face plenty of times, it's the SAME GUY.
And Alpha Squad, they've been shot, stabbed, blown up, run down and blasted apart a dozen times, but somehow I always see the SAME GUYS in it.
And frankly I know I've been hacked up by chain axes, shot down with shuriken catapults, and gone down in a burning Valkyrie more than once. But when I try to talk to the guys about it they all change the subject.
So I gotta ask, am I just nuts here or is something going on? I mean when you die you die, you don't just go into some cosmic carrying case to be trotted out the next time there's a battle right?
To begin with, all Ultramarines look the same. Even to each other. The leader wears that banner so everyone can tell him apart.
Also, I hate to break it to you, but you and your Commissar are both infected with the Zombie Plague.
I'll have to have a word with Calgar about aiming for the head...
Signed, the Space Emperor
Dear Space Emperor
I am a member of a Devestator Squad. Last week, after my Plasma Cannon was destroyed in battle, I was asked what kind of replacement I wanted. I wrote down 'Multilaser' on the requisition form, but never got it. Instead, everywhere I go now people boo and hiss and throw rotten fruit at me. Why is this?
You should be ashamed of yourself! Losing a weapon in battle is horrible! You should be codemned to a life of fruit throwing and booing. I mean, c'mon the gods GLUE THOSE THINGS TO YOUR HANDS! LIKE WHAT THE HELL? Whatever, Just be glad if you ever get to fight again. Back in the day we had real men,not n00bz that lost their PLASMA CANNONS.Do you know har HARD it is just to make one?
Look at that, my anger just killed a psyker somewhere. Now his brains are scattered like a carnifexes fecel matter on his allies.
Sincerly
The Emporer of All Humanity that controls your every move and mind
------
Dear Human Emporer
Why don't you obliterate the tau?They only hold a few worlds, a well placed series off attacks could cripple them.
Espiacily on these planets
M'kala
The'ake
And Jus're
Dear Prince Yriel,
Send me 9001 Virgins every day for the next year and I'll consider it.
From The Emperor
Dear The Emperor,
My squad is starving, there is nothing to eat and hunt around here. Can you drop an emergency supply of Mcdonalds for us?
From
Blood Claw, Rockerbikie.
Dear The Emperor, My squad is starving, there is nothing to eat and hunt around here. Can you drop an emergency supply of Mcdonalds for us? From Blood Claw, Rockerbikie. ____
HERESY!
did you not learn from the books about ancient Terra I wrote? 'the many sins of Ronald Mc donald'? Besides, the food is bad for you, I mean, how many KG of fat goes into that crap anyways?
eat your Space Marine issue socks instead. they are batter for your health in any case
___________________________________
dear Emperor.
I recently failed at something for the 13th time. I wont tell you what, but it did NOT involve the deaths of billions.how can I get better at it? specifically how can I get better at 'Kill for the living, Kill for the dead?'...ohcrap.
lets just forget that last line, I would like however to know HOW I can fail I MEAN I HAVE FRIGGEN GODS ON MY SIDE!!!!! legions of daemons, and warriors of unsurpassed strength (though Scaveola, I am not sure about, I dont quite understand all that 'Scaveola is now unkillable because it's fun to make him hunt his best friend's gene-seed inheritor over and over again' thing)
I recently failed at something for the 13th time. I wont tell you what, but it did NOT involve the deaths of billions.how can I get better at it? specifically how can I get better at 'Kill for the living, Kill for the dead?'...ohcrap.
lets just forget that last line, I would like however to know HOW I can fail I MEAN I HAVE FRIGGEN GODS ON MY SIDE!!!!! legions of daemons, and warriors of unsurpassed strength (though Scaveola, I am not sure about, I dont quite understand all that 'Scaveola is now unkillable because it's fun to make him hunt his best friend's gene-seed inheritor over and over again' thing)
anyways. how can I not fail?
NotAbbadonTheDespoiler
___________________________________
Dear Abbadon,
You pray to me and get me to do it for you.
From The Emperor
___________________________________
Dear Emperor,
Marneus Calgar was making fun of my squad so I hit him with my Lightning Claws multiple claws and knocked him into a coma. Can I have forgiveness please? We can talk about it over a flagon of mead.
From Blood Claw, Rockerbikie.
Marneus Calgar was making fun of my squad so I hit him with my Lightning Claws multiple claws and knocked him into a coma. Can I have forgiveness please? We can talk about it over a flagon of mead. From Blood Claw, Rockerbikie.
__________
no, you shall not have forgiveness, you shall have a medal. I SWEAR that guy was getting on my nerves! with his hair! bah! everyone knows space marines have no hair! (barring space wolves but I think that's a mutation)
____________________
dear the emperor
I have been using the 5ed codex. as my game store believes the others to be full of cheese. but the first rule in the codex is: 'whenever firing a lascannon, you must say "freem" and give Kren and Frep a nickel. each.'
I have been using the 5ed codex. as my game store believes the others to be full of cheese. but the first rule in the codex is: 'whenever firing a lascannon, you must say "freem" and give Kren and Frep a nickel. each.'
I run a deathwing army.
needless to say I am out of nickels.
is this rule even TRUE?!?!?!?
What you have hear, anonymous servant, is a challenge. This rule is doubtlessly true and as such Kren and Frep should be quite rich; therefore, you should stop using lascannons and deny them their money.
Alternatively, you could join my own Imperial Guard. We offer you a lifetime supply of nickels, and the only thing you have to do is abandon everything you've ever known and fight endlessly until you inevitably die a horrible, gruesome death.
Teh Sphess Emprah
---------------------------------
Dear Good Sir,
I have, as a greenskin, encountered my fair share of hostilities over the course of my life. This is inevitable.
However, the amount of outright racism I have recieved from members of your own Imperial Guard is staggering. They lump me in with the minority of Orks who are, in fact, violent and unintelligent. Needless to say, this is a ridiculous stereotype.
The vast majority of my Orkoid race are capable of reading and writing to a high standard and control ourselves in public; I myself run a finishing school on an asteroid above Armageddon. Likewise, the outcasts of our species who are brutal alcoholics do not represent the majority.
Therefore, I believe that the education among Imperial worlds should be raised to the standard of Ork education. Children should be tought not to judge races as a whole, but as individuals. The loudmouthed few do not represent us as a species and this must be told to the children of the Imperium if such hatred is to be stamped out. It is imperative that the future of our two races should not be one of cooperation and peace if we are both to prosper. In our current state, the tension between us would rise to the point of rioting and racial war. Racism can not and will not ever lead to happiness.
To quote a great man of Terra's early days, I dream of a future where we will not be judged by the colour of their skin but by the content of our character.
Sincerely,
Groygurtz Zogbrain
Headmaster, Zogbrain's WAAAAGH! of Formal Education
I have, as a greenskin, encountered my fair share of hostilities over the course of my life. This is inevitable.
However, the amount of outright racism I have recieved from members of your own Imperial Guard is staggering. They lump me in with the minority of Orks who are, in fact, violent and unintelligent. Needless to say, this is a ridiculous stereotype.
The vast majority of my Orkoid race are capable of reading and writing to a high standard and control ourselves in public; I myself run a finishing school on an asteroid above Armageddon. Likewise, the outcasts of our species who are brutal alcoholics do not represent the majority.
Therefore, I believe that the education among Imperial worlds should be raised to the standard of Ork education. Children should be tought not to judge races as a whole, but as individuals. The loudmouthed few do not represent us as a species and this must be told to the children of the Imperium if such hatred is to be stamped out. It is imperative that the future of our two races should not be one of cooperation and peace if we are both to prosper. In our current state, the tension between us would rise to the point of rioting and racial war. Racism can not and will not ever lead to happiness.
To quote a great man of Terra's early days, I dream of a future where we will not be judged by the colour of their skin but by the content of our character.
Sincerely,
Groygurtz Zogbrain
Headmaster, Zogbrain's WAAAAGH! of Formal Education
_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Dear Mr. Zogbrain
You quote terran greats yet you have nothing to show us. You write to us acting all high and mighty about not being racist but these are not and I must stress this not acts of racism. You would do well to research your history. it shows as my Great Crusade expanded outward we encountered many Aliens. At first we brought offers of peace and friendship to them, and these races included many of your kind. Yet every time we encountered your people we were attacked by this so-called minority and as a result we defended oursleves. Having only encountered this type of Ork we ahve issued statements that they must be crushed like you would crush a violent aggresive who needs to be controlled in efforts of peace. Now we would like you to send us Co-ordinates to these planets that the Majority of Ork populations reside so we can pay you a friendly visit
Signed
The Emperor of Terra
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Dear Agony Emperor,
I am but a simple Grox Farmer. I have lived throughout your glorious Imperium yet disaster always seems to follow me.
Any land I seem to buy -whether on Tanith, Terra or even Cadia- seems either to be destroyed through a failing in Imperial battle plans or requsitioned by the so-called Holy Ordos.
In addition to this massive problem all my family were press ganged into the Navy and most of my herd were as well.
I feel cheated and down trodden by this discrimination an would like an apology and a decent compensation settlement.
Yours Faithfully
Jonas Quin
Dear Agony Emperor,
I am but a simple Grox Farmer. I have lived throughout your glorious Imperium yet disaster always seems to follow me.
Any land I seem to buy -whether on Tanith, Terra or even Cadia- seems either to be destroyed through a failing in Imperial battle plans or requsitioned by the so-called Holy Ordos.
In addition to this massive problem all my family were press ganged into the Navy and most of my herd were as well.
I feel cheated and down trodden by this discrimination an would like an apology and a decent compensation settlement.
Yours Faithfully
Jonas Quin
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Jonas,
While our deepest sympathies go to you and your family, we regret to tell you that we can't help you here. You see, this war, despite the unity and jobs it provides, is greatly straining the economy. Budget cuts mean that our organisations are forced to conscript humble citizens of the Imperium in to service, and, as they will never return home, their livestock and possessions are salvaged. If we did not do this, the forces of the Imperium would be swept aside and the smurfs would have no opportunity to jump in and take all the credit.
Teh Sphess Muhreen Sphess Emprah of Teh Sphess Impreel Empire of Sphess (had to one up you Kyoto )
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Dear Teh Sphess Muhreen Sphess Emprah of Teh Sphess Impreel Empire of Sphess,
I have recently joined a football team (and I say football, not "soccer" as those annoying Segmentum Pacificus people call it), Mordian United, and am soon going to join a major intergalactic league, but have found that I can't get the media off my backs, who are constantly giving me bad rep. This means I will never join the ranks of the Greatest Players of Segmentum Obscurus and I think my skills are sufficient that I should be allowed to join this list. How can I achieve the representaton I deserve? Also, what is the best method of creating a fake bruise?
Faithfully,
Dear Teh Sphess Muhreen Sphess Emprah of Teh Sphess Impreel Empire of Sphess,
I have recently joined a football team (and I say football, not "soccer" as those annoying Segmentum Pacificus people call it), Mordian United, and am soon going to join a major intergalactic league, but have found that I can't get the media off my backs, who are constantly giving me bad rep. This means I will never join the ranks of the Greatest Players of Segmentum Obscurus and I think my skills are sufficient that I should be allowed to join this list. How can I achieve the representaton I deserve? Also, what is the best method of creating a fake bruise?
Faithfully,
Sphess Wheyne Rooneh of Sphess Planet Sphess
_______________________________________________________________________________________________
Dear Sphess Wheyne Rooneh of Sphess Planet Sphess,
1) Play a more manly sport, like Bloodbowl
2) Eyeshadow
Yours Truly!
IMPERATOR
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
Dear Emperor of all the Imperium,
I just joined the USMC and I have to get my hair cut in, what my sergeant calls, a "Marine Proper Format." I'm not too keen on my choices. It seems I can go "bald and screaming" or I have to get a "Marine Fade." What I really wanted to know is, can I have a Mohawk? Not one of those spiky ones as portrayed by the ancient musical quartet "Those Who Are Exploited" but the style portrayed by the classical thespian Roberto De Nero in his seminal role "He Who Drives Taxis." I understand that this hairstyle was actually in vogue with scouts during the time of Hive Fleet Behemoth. Do you think I can bring it back?
Sincerely,
Folically Concerned
PS I won't try and bring back the puffy scout sleeves, promise.
robertsjf wrote:Dear Emperor of all the Imperium,
I just joined the USMC and I have to get my hair cut in, what my sergeant calls, a "Marine Proper Format." I'm not too keen on my choices. It seems I can go "bald and screaming" or I have to get a "Marine Fade." What I really wanted to know is, can I have a Mohawk? Not one of those spiky ones as portrayed by the ancient musical quartet "Those Who Are Exploited" but the style portrayed by the classical thespian Roberto De Nero in his seminal role "He Who Drives Taxis." I understand that this hairstyle was actually in vogue with scouts during the time of Hive Fleet Behemoth. Do you think I can bring it back?
Sincerely,
Folically Concerned
PS I won't try and bring back the puffy scout sleeves, promise.
Dear Folically Concerned,
Unfortunately, the Mohawk is not approved within the Codex Astartes. While it was a really cool haircut for highly motivated servants of the Imperium in the early years, it has since become associated with the enemies of Man. It is particularly associated with the servants of Slaanesh, with whom my son, Roboute, had some really embarrassing experiences at summer camp. There lie the seeds of the current ban. Now that you have your answer, I'm afraid that you know too much. By the time you finish reading this sentence, there should be several marines in shiny metal armor appearing nearby. Fear not! They just want to mind wipe you. If you're lucky they won't violate you before the process begins. Sorry, but they've been really undisciplined since Matt Ward changed their fluff.
He who sits on the Throne of Terra (and wishes he could manipulate his holy golden X-Box 360 controller...damn you, Horus!)
_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Dear Emperor,
I've noticed that your space marines keep growing in size. They used to be just around 7 feet high but now I hear they are at least 9 and sometimes even 10 feet tall!!! Is there some special medical treatment or nutritional supplement in vogue now within the chapters of your most powerful and noble servants??
I've noticed that your space marines keep growing in size. They used to be just around 7 feet high but now I hear they are at least 9 and sometimes even 10 feet tall!!! Is there some special medical treatment or nutritional supplement in vogue now within the chapters of your most powerful and noble servants??
Cheers!
Nudley of Planet Seven
Dear Nudley,
It appears that you have discovered a problem that I have been unable to warn anyone about for many years. You see, as the future of humanity, I am the reference point given to evolution for all future humans. However, a side effect of my incarceration in the golden throne is a profound inability to walk. Evolution therefore is taking measures to prevent all other future humans from walking, reducing the size of their feet until they will eventually be non-existent. Sphess marines are not growing; the size of a foot is shrinking. Tell anyone and you die.
Your almightily ovelording overlord of Sphess, grand Sphess ruler of humans in and around Sphess and the mightiest being to ever occupy Sphess, the Sphess Emprah of Sphess.
Dear Sphess Emprah,
It has come to my attention that you and your family are in dire need of a counseling session or two. Registrations are completely anonymous, and we will not share any personal details unless you allow us to, but it is our goal to fix every disfunctional family in the galaxy, one at a time. Besides, it could help you to focus on more important matters that are vital to the survival of the human race. Simply bring along your entire family (we will pay transportation and/or resurrection fees) and come in for a helpful guidance session that should remove all conflicts and tensions in your family.
Susan Bloggs, Chairwoman of the galactic counseling committee.
Dear Sphess Emprah,
It has come to my attention that you and your family are in dire need of a counseling session or two. Registrations are completely anonymous, and we will not share any personal details unless you allow us to, but it is our goal to fix every disfunctional family in the galaxy, one at a time. Besides, it could help you to focus on more important matters that are vital to the survival of the human race. Simply bring along your entire family (we will pay transportation and/or resurrection fees) and come in for a helpful guidance session that should remove all conflicts and tensions in your family.
Susan Bloggs, Chairwoman of the galactic counseling committee.
Problems? What problems? Sure half my kids turned to demon worship and ended up killing off the other half.
And that's without even mentioning the S****i who even I'm not allowed to talk about.
But really so my sons who I personally genetically engineered turned on me and betrayed me and almost destroyed the Space Universe and almost killed me and left me trapped on this rotten throne for the rest of my immortal life. So? It's not like I can't handle it! I can handle anything! I... I'm the Emporer of Space! Like a million billion people love me! I don't need Horus and the rest, I don't! Honest!
I... I'm just going to snuggle with my blanket now. And order exterminus on any planet starting wtih the letter H.
As the guardian of the Sacred Shrine of the Space Emporer's Second Cousin Claude I recently decided to increase our defenses in light of Ork incurssions in our area.
However when I requested a force of Adeptus Soritas or 'Battle Sisters' to help secure the Shrine I learned they would cost me over 1000 Starbucks! And my comrade on the Southern Continent was told it would cost him over 2700 Starbucks!
Why just one Seraphim runs me 12 Starbucks!
How can this be? Why are Battle Sisters so expensive all of the sudden?
So I asked if I could just have one squad that would act as allies to my Imperial Guard force and was told, quite rudely, they no longer do that. I brought it up with my friend the Inquisitor and he said the Battle Sisters won't even talk to him anymore!
What happened?
Your obidient Servant
Brother Humble
Guardian of the Sacred Shrine of the Space Emporer's Second Cousin Claude
As the guardian of the Sacred Shrine of the Space Emporer's Second Cousin Claude I recently decided to increase our defenses in light of Ork incurssions in our area.
However when I requested a force of Adeptus Soritas or 'Battle Sisters' to help secure the Shrine I learned they would cost me over 1000 Starbucks! And my comrade on the Southern Continent was told it would cost him over 2700 Starbucks!
Why just one Seraphim runs me 12 Starbucks!
How can this be? Why are Battle Sisters so expensive all of the sudden?
So I asked if I could just have one squad that would act as allies to my Imperial Guard force and was told, quite rudely, they no longer do that. I brought it up with my friend the Inquisitor and he said the Battle Sisters won't even talk to him anymore!
What happened?
Your obidient Servant
Brother Humble
Guardian of the Sacred Shrine of the Space Emporer's Second Cousin Claude
Well Brother HUmble where to start?
Point 1: I am not familiar with these 'starbucks' you refer to unless it is a Xenos currency in which case possession of it is a cpital offence. To clarify imperial currency is Imperial Thrones and Crowns
Point 2: all this whining and moaning isn't very humble.
Point 3: The Sisters of BAttle are under going a management change and as a result they are all being retrained which incurs re-training costs and due to several incidents with randy Imperial Guardsmen they are not longer allowed near one.
Point 4: Claude doesn't really deserve a shrine, go defend Cadia or Armageddon or somewhere else important
Yours sincerely
The God of Mankind
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Dear Holy Emperor
I have recently been having trouble with my sons. Both are of the age where they ahve to be conscripted in atleast the PDF yet neither will acknowledge this. One aspires to be a clerical adept and the other (This ones a bit brain damaged) thinks he can be a Space MArine.
What advice do you have to offer my two boys?
I have recently been having trouble with my sons. Both are of the age where they ahve to be conscripted in atleast the PDF yet neither will acknowledge this. One aspires to be a clerical adept and the other (This ones a bit brain damaged) thinks he can be a Space MArine.
What advice do you have to offer my two boys?
Yours Sincerly
A Worried Father
CAdia "
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Loyal Subject:
Fear not, Your children will all serve the Empire. Your first son should not concern himself with what he wants to do however. He will be assigned to whatever job we decide. Your other son however is almost bordering on a delusional heresy. He in certainly not worthy of joining my great Astartes. The chapters cull the greatest fighters from many worlds, and even then many die in training. Whatever jobs are decided for them, you shall remember that they are doing their duty to the Empire and to Holy Terra.
The Holy God Emperor of Terra
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Dear Emperor,
I've been cheating on my gf, whom I am still crazy about, for a while now. I've had wild hookups with other girls. Sometimes while I'm deployed offworld I get lonely. Is it still cheating if I'm not having a full affair? Or is slaanesh trying to lure me away from my true love?
I've been cheating on my gf, whom I am still crazy about, for a while now. I've had wild hookups with other girls. Sometimes while I'm deployed offworld I get lonely. Is it still cheating if I'm not having a full affair? Or is slaanesh trying to lure me away from my true love?
THAT IS EXACTLY IT!
You will be terminated for heresy.
The E.
We at TerrEx have derivery for you, you were out at time of first visit. We be advised you are responsible for all taxes payable relating to this derivery, please can you contact us with the following information so that we may re-book derivery for you:
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We at TerrEx have derivery for you, you were out at time of first visit. We be advised you are responsible for all taxes payable relating to this derivery, please can you contact us with the following information so that we may re-book derivery for you:
- Full Name
- Date of birth
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Best regards,
(Int Glctc)
Dear TerrEx Derivery Services
R.J Emperor MCCLXXXXVIII
38,000 years BH (before the horus heresy)
11 Golden Throne Lane, Imperial Dungeon, the Himalayas, EMP3 R0R, Terra, the heart of the Imperium
The Boss of Everything
48,000 years
0123 334 6654
I can't quite reach my pocket, just a litle further -falls off throne- dammit
Please send all mail to Titan for destruction
yours
.J Emperor
Dear Mr Space Emperor,
Me and the rest of team Dante have been having a bit of a moral dilemma, you see the whole xenophbic policy is great and all but last week, we were killin some 'crons when the 'nids just swarmed in so we tag teamed with the 'crons then squished the nids and well we did some things I'm not proud of. are we heretics and do we really need to be so Xenophbobic?
Yours J.B Hoax
Me and the rest of team Dante have been having a bit of a moral dilemma, you see the whole xenophbic policy is great and all but last week, we were killin some 'crons when the 'nids just swarmed in so we tag teamed with the 'crons then squished the nids and well we did some things I'm not proud of. are we heretics and do we really need to be so Xenophbobic?
Yours J.B Hoax
Of course not! Time and space has just been effected by this newly created Chaos God named "Matt Ward" whom bends facts into utter Bull sh*t to destroy the universe. Blame not your selves, blame Matt Ward.
Warlord Gazghkull Thraka wrote:Dear sphess emprah,
Why You No reply?!?!?
Sincerely, Mr. HereticalWhyYouNoGuy.
Dear Mr. HereticalWhyYouNoGuy:
You've not received your reply yet, I am quite shocked. Please fill in the following data and your reply will be personally delivered by agents of the Holy Inqui-Postman, the Holy Postman. Yes. That's it.
Name:
Address or lair:
Current Planet:
Distinguishing marks or mutations:
Toughness:
Armor Save:
Check as many as apply:
Enemy within __
Enemy without __
Enemy beyond __
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Honey, it's me Saint Cestine the Hieromartyr of the Palantine Crusade, you know, YOUR GIRLFRIEND!
And honey you're not going to believe what happened. For the last few weeks I was cleansing filth from the corners of the galaxy and mending tears in the space-time continum. But when I returned to Cadia to resupply one of those guys from the Ordo Nova Codex was waiting for me.
Naturally I was overjoyed, I don't mention it much but I've not gotten a new codex in almost 10 years and some of my Sisters are wearing armor older than they are.
Well the Nova Codex guy calls us over and the first thing he does is he tells Agnes (Note - Probably refers to Inquisitor Donatella Isabella Angelicus of the Ordo Heredicus) that she either has to transfer to the Grey Knights or convert into a Preacher.
Then he tells Steve and the boys (Note - probably refers to Brother Stephan Infernus Fidelus of the Fraternus Militia) they're fired. And I don't mean fired up! I mean fired! Let go!
Then he tells Mike and his boys (Note - probably refers to Sgt Mikheil Vladimus of the Inquisitorial Storm Troopers) that he has to transfer to the Grey Knights as a henchman or get a job with the Imperial Guard.
Well I was flabergasted! You know I need Steve and his lads to act as a tarpit unit with their evicerators, and Mike's plasma guns are great fire support, and poor Agnes was inconsolable, I don't know what I'll do without her Iron Will to back up our morale.
Then he starts going through everyone's wargear, taking away Sally's evicerator (Note - probably refers to Sister Superior Victoria Salvatore), telling Al and the boys (Note - probably refers to Archeoflaggelent Alpha 6-B) they can't have power weapons and talking all kinds of nonsesence about our faith points.
Well I told him to show me this 'new codex' and he whips out some silly magazine with like an Ogryn on the cover.
Now obviously this is a big mistake but could you please call the Ordo Nova Codex and tell them to lay off!
Kid_Kyoto wrote:
Honey, it's me Saint Cestine the Hieromartyr of the Palantine Crusade, you know, YOUR GIRLFRIEND!
And honey you're not going to believe what happened. For the last few weeks I was cleansing filth from the corners of the galaxy and mending tears in the space-time continum. But when I returned to Cadia to resupply one of those guys from the Ordo Nova Codex was waiting for me.
Naturally I was overjoyed, I don't mention it much but I've not gotten a new codex in almost 10 years and some of my Sisters are wearing armor older than they are.
Well the Nova Codex guy calls us over and the first thing he does is he tells Agnes (Note - Probably refers to Inquisitor Donatella Isabella Angelicus of the Ordo Heredicus) that she either has to transfer to the Grey Knights or convert into a Preacher.
Then he tells Steve and the boys (Note - probably refers to Brother Stephan Infernus Fidelus of the Fraternus Militia) they're fired. And I don't mean fired up! I mean fired! Let go!
Then he tells Mike and his boys (Note - probably refers to Sgt Mikheil Vladimus of the Inquisitorial Storm Troopers) that he has to transfer to the Grey Knights as a henchman or get a job with the Imperial Guard.
Well I was flabergasted! You know I need Steve and his lads to act as a tarpit unit with their evicerators, and Mike's plasma guns are great fire support, and poor Agnes was inconsolable, I don't know what I'll do without her Iron Will to back up our morale.
Then he starts going through everyone's wargear, taking away Sally's evicerator (Note - probably refers to Sister Superior Victoria Salvatore), telling Al and the boys (Note - probably refers to Archeoflaggelent Alpha 6-B) they can't have power weapons and talking all kinds of nonsesence about our faith points.
Well I told him to show me this 'new codex' and he whips out some silly magazine with like an Ogryn on the cover.
Now obviously this is a big mistake but could you please call the Ordo Nova Codex and tell them to lay off!
Yours
Saint Celestine
Oh Cel,
Isn't martyrdom your thing? What greater martyrdom is to be had than enduring this new codex?
In love, E.
ordo nova codex is Not an organization of the imperial throne and thus , we , the master of mankind , in our benevolence grant every citizen the right to purge these heretical outcasts . Decreed on the 1st day of the year M42.
Signed Emporer of spaace.
All hail our magnificent leader, our god emporer who guides us through space ( and time, and ...)
Dear Omnissiah,
thine is the machine to grant us victory over the xeno scum, the mutant and the traitor.
But lately we have run into a little problem. Nothing big, mind you, we are still happy your loyal servants brought to us the unleasher of death, the executor of false hopes, the launcher of assaults. <s> For the first week. </s>
And then it began. The engineseer hit the rune of awakening and the word was given. How could we be so unaware of the consequences?
Enjoyment was ours as the foul mutants draw their last breath under the relentless streak of missiles from your PRAETOR ARMORED ASSAULT LAUNCHER. Praises on our lips we charged and the day was yours.
But it didn't end. There was no end to this. The Praetor launched armored assault after armored assault..and again and again...
Spoiler:
Nobody cares for names these days. don't they know?
So currently, we have a conflict with 2 eldar craftworlds , 3 ork empires , a wild bunch of speed freaks , attracted a nid fleet , are still tied in the struggle against chaos in this sector but now with more CSM than you can shake a stick at , awakened some metallic creatures with greenish glowing eyes , accidently annihilated this expedition of blue-grey faced creatures who had a fetish with some good which is greater , nearly vaporated inq dranors stoormtroopers ( tough they deem themselves , ha. Ran away when the missiles started to lock on their column.. ) and right now the Praetor is on its move towards that astartes base.
Honey, it's me Saint Cestine the Hieromartyr of the Palantine Crusade, you know, YOUR GIRLFRIEND!
And honey you're not going to believe what happened. For the last few weeks I was cleansing filth from the corners of the galaxy and mending tears in the space-time continum. But when I returned to Cadia to resupply one of those guys from the Ordo Nova Codex was waiting for me.
Naturally I was overjoyed, I don't mention it much but I've not gotten a new codex in almost 10 years and some of my Sisters are wearing armor older than they are.
Well the Nova Codex guy calls us over and the first thing he does is he tells Agnes (Note - Probably refers to Inquisitor Donatella Isabella Angelicus of the Ordo Heredicus) that she either has to transfer to the Grey Knights or convert into a Preacher.
Then he tells Steve and the boys (Note - probably refers to Brother Stephan Infernus Fidelus of the Fraternus Militia) they're fired. And I don't mean fired up! I mean fired! Let go!
Then he tells Mike and his boys (Note - probably refers to Sgt Mikheil Vladimus of the Inquisitorial Storm Troopers) that he has to transfer to the Grey Knights as a henchman or get a job with the Imperial Guard.
Well I was flabergasted! You know I need Steve and his lads to act as a tarpit unit with their evicerators, and Mike's plasma guns are great fire support, and poor Agnes was inconsolable, I don't know what I'll do without her Iron Will to back up our morale.
Then he starts going through everyone's wargear, taking away Sally's evicerator (Note - probably refers to Sister Superior Victoria Salvatore), telling Al and the boys (Note - probably refers to Archeoflaggelent Alpha 6-B) they can't have power weapons and talking all kinds of nonsesence about our faith points.
Well I told him to show me this 'new codex' and he whips out some silly magazine with like an Ogryn on the cover.
Now obviously this is a big mistake but could you please call the Ordo Nova Codex and tell them to lay off!
Yours
Saint Celestine
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Dear Saint Celestine,
Sorry but the nova Codex department is currently under the control of the infamous Inquisitor M. Ward, who's hatred of your organisation is well known and as a result when the idea came up for your codex he pounced and tore it away from my preferred candidate Phil Kelly and the Councils recommendation of Jervis Johnson (Why they chose him i will never know). So you'll just have to sit tight until the real one is released (When the time line reaches M42 I believe)
Oh and you didn't get my text, stupid Astronomican, we broke up like 4 years ago.
Not Yours Anymore
The god emperor
___________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Dear God Emperor,
I was assigned to a regiment, on their founding night due to a massive failure in naval tactics (Should I really be surprised at this) their home world was destroyed. After several decades of fighting in a crusade in which we defeated a plot to assassinate the warmaster and saved many worlds from the chaos taint including a living saint. Then we were retired for a period and again we had to save the garrison from two separate chaos lead assassination attempts on a valuable prisoner. Afetr this we then got marching orders again. I mean those guys took my eyes and I'm not allowed my world as promised by my dear and late friend Slaydo,
Yours fervently
Colonel-Commissar Ibram Gaunt
All hail our magnificent leader, our god emporer who guides us through space ( and time, and ...)
Dear Omnissiah,
thine is the machine to grant us victory over the xeno scum, the mutant and the traitor.
But lately we have run into a little problem. Nothing big, mind you, we are still happy your loyal servants brought to us the unleasher of death, the executor of false hopes, the launcher of assaults. <s> For the first week. </s>
And then it began. The engineseer hit the rune of awakening and the word was given. How could we be so unaware of the consequences?
Enjoyment was ours as the foul mutants draw their last breath under the relentless streak of missiles from your PRAETOR ARMORED ASSAULT LAUNCHER. Praises on our lips we charged and the day was yours.
But it didn't end. There was no end to this. The Praetor launched armored assault after armored assault..and again and again...
Spoiler:
So currently, we have a conflict with 2 eldar craftworlds , 3 ork empires , a wild bunch of speed freaks , attracted a nid fleet , are still tied in the struggle against chaos in this sector but now with more CSM than you can shake a stick at , awakened some metallic creatures with greenish glowing eyes , accidently annihilated this expedition of blue-grey faced creatures who had a fetish with some good which is greater , nearly vaporated inq dranors stoormtroopers ( tough they deem themselves , ha. Ran away when the missiles started to lock on their column.. ) and right now the Praetor is on its move towards that astartes base.
how the feth do we stop it?
HOW ?
Colonel phyrrus.
33th MobFlkUnt.batterie.
Dear God Emperor,
I was assigned to a regiment, on their founding night due to a massive failure in naval tactics (Should I really be surprised at this) their home world was destroyed. After several decades of fighting in a crusade in which we defeated a plot to assassinate the warmaster and saved many worlds from the chaos taint including a living saint. Then we were retired for a period and again we had to save the garrison from two separate chaos lead assassination attempts on a valuable prisoner. Afetr this we then got marching orders again. I mean those guys took my eyes and I'm not allowed my world as promised by my dear and late friend Slaydo,
Yours fervently
Colonel-Commissar Ibram Gaunt
Great me!
2 letters at once! Thankfully I am omnipotant! Erm omnipotent that is... yeah.
Thankfully the 2 letters answer one another, the only thing that can stop a PRAETOR ARMORED ASSAULT LAUNCHER is Colonel-Commissar Ibram Gaunt.
The only thing that can stop Colonel-Commissar Ibram Gaunt is a PRAETOR ARMORED ASSAULT LAUNCHER.
Go at it guys!
Your pal and deity
The Emperor
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Uh Boss, there's this chick at the Ultimate Gate, Saint Celes-something or the other, says she's your girlfriend but she's not on the list, should we let her in?
Yours
Custodes Bob
PS Did you know that Custodian means Janitor? Why didn't someone tell us that?
Uh Boss, there's this chick at the Ultimate Gate, Saint Celes-something or the other, says she's your girlfriend but she's not on the list, should we let her in?
Yours
Custodes Bob
PS Did you know that Custodian means Janitor? Why didn't someone tell us that?
Dear Bob,
Hell no, b!+ch be trippin'. Tell her I had some bad shrimp and I'm stuck on the throne.
And yes, custodian means janitor. If we told you that, would you have taken the job? BTW, I did have some bad shrimp, so come in here when you get rid of what's her face.
The big cheese
*******************************
Dear the space emporer,
I'm an Eldar guardian. I know you aren't fond of xenos, but I have no where else to turn. I'm very lonely, and seek a female companion. I have asked out many of my coworkers, but the response is always "I'm not a woman!"
Please, how can I tell who among my people are male and who are female?
Dear the space emporer,
I'm an Eldar guardian. I know you aren't fond of xenos, but I have no where else to turn. I'm very lonely, and seek a female companion. I have asked out many of my coworkers, but the response is always "I'm not a woman!"
Please, how can I tell who among my people are male and who are female?
Your friend P'nzee
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear P'whatever,
Firstly, I didn't even know there were female Eldar, and secondly, I think if you cant find a girl, you should try probably get a shower.
Dear Emperor,
Why do you have a space marine chapter named after me?
Sincerely,
Anonymous Chaos Marine Raptor
--------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Anonymous,
It's quite simple. Over the 10'000 years since the Heresy, we've run out of good names for things, and so we named a chapter Raptors, and added 'Chaos' to the names of everything to do with Chaos so there'd be no confusion. Please find enclosed a Warp bomb which is to be delivered to your Chaos Chaos Lord.
The Emperor.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Allfather.
As a Space Wolf, I have always been trained to believe that the only good form of war is running around hitting things with my wolf-axe, but lately I've noticed that my chapter is full of wolf-tanks and wolf-missile launchers, and no one seems to like running suicidally into gun lines any more. When I talked to my Wolf-Squad about this, they just gave me a wolf-missile launcher and told me to deal with it. How can I go back to the way things were?
Wolfy McWolf Wolf, Spess Wolves.
Dear Allfather. As a Space Wolf, I have always been trained to believe that the only good form of war is running around hitting things with my wolf-axe, but lately I've noticed that my chapter is full of wolf-tanks and wolf-missile launchers, and no one seems to like running suicidally into gun lines any more. When I talked to my Wolf-Squad about this, they just gave me a wolf-missile launcher and told me to deal with it. How can I go back to the way things were? Wolfy McWolf Wolf, Spess Wolves. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Wolfy McWolf Wolf,
My leading advisors have developed something they call "meta-game theory of battle" which I think they worked out by playing with small plastic figurines for a few months. That's why I pay them the big bucks. Anyhow, the upshot is your wolf-axe is no longer required, so learn how to drive a tank or shoot that wolf-missile launcher. In any case you should be grateful. I'm stuck on this damn throne 24/7 for the past 10,000 years any all you smurfs can do is complain. Surrender your life to the Imperium and learn how to pop transports!
Da Sphess Emprah of Sphess +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Dear Sphess Emprah,
Longtime Inquisitor, first time writer. The Black Templars definitely have more than 1000 battle-brothers, in violation of the Codex Astartes. They pose a tremendous threat to the Imperium but I can't prove they are in violation. Help, what do I do?
I don't believe you. Come back when you have proof.
I've got anti-photoshop adepts by the way Beanus, so don't you try cropping more Black Templars into one picture like someone keeps trying to in this crappy Multi-ethnic Dwarf Magazine that Custodian Bob brought me. If you do so, at least make it less obvious, eh?
In conclusion, no proof, no heresy. Not against any of me Space Marines that is, feel free to nuke some Guardsmen or Civilians.
Kind Regards,
Your Holy Emperor-ness.
----------------------
Dear Mr Shiny-Space-Guy-Sir,
I've heard people tell worrying stories that you never actually came to Mars and that your famooos Mars-landing of M29.1969 was fake! They ses if you really did come to mars in M29.1969, you would've done so again and that the holy-flag of Space you brought was a lie as there's no wind on Mars or sumthing!
Tell me it's not true and that they are liars! Truthfully that is...
Dear Adept Highus-Strungus.
Of course it's not true. Whoever has been telling you these things is clearly a covert Chaos worshipper and must be destroyed immediately. Failing to do so before you finish this letter will be treated as heresy.
Dear Emperor of Terra.
Having recently taken part in a massive battle for a planet which seemed to be made of plywood boards with green fluffy stuff stuck to it, I was surprised to see that we were not fighting the forces of Chaos, as we were told, but Grey Knights! We prepared to surrender, but then a second army of Grey Knights appeared to fight the others. Somewhat confused, we prepared to battle, when a third army of Grey Knights appeared to aid the first. What was stranger was that they all seemed to be led by Draigo. I'm sure it was all a misunderstanding, but I'm hoping you could tell me who were the real Grey Knights that day? Got to go, our allies say they've prepared a special fireworks display for us!
Dear Emperor of Terra. Having recently taken part in a massive battle for a planet which seemed to be made of plywood boards with green fluffy stuff stuck to it, I was surprised to see that we were not fighting the forces of Chaos, as we were told, but Grey Knights! We prepared to surrender, but then a second army of Grey Knights appeared to fight the others. Somewhat confused, we prepared to battle, when a third army of Grey Knights appeared to aid the first. What was stranger was that they all seemed to be led by Draigo. I'm sure it was all a misunderstanding, but I'm hoping you could tell me who were the real Grey Knights that day? Got to go, our allies say they've prepared a special fireworks display for us!
Yours worshippingly, Trooper Bob. +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Dear Trooper Bob,
The Universe is full of myriad mysteries, awesome in their scope, profound in their depth. You're puny serf-brain would literally explode, Scanners-Style, if I tried to explain this one to you. Ordinarily I protect the peoples of the galaxy from these mind-blowing truths, but you have doubt in your heart and doubt is the seed of heresy. So I'm going to 'splain this to you. Everyone who's not a heretic stop reading...
Alright, so we're all actually plastic figures on a game board being manhandled by pimple-covered teenagers on ancient Holy Terra....
Somebody told me that there was an old earth-poet named Lionel Johnson who wrote a poem called Dark Angel about how he was gay. Does this mean that Lion El Johnson was shagging Luther? Also, I heard that the Angels still have Luther back at their base and that they do....stuff to him. And the Lion is passed out in a room there too so who knows what's going on over there. I want to join the Angels but I'm afraid about the "induction rites." What do I do?
Sincerely, My backdoor doesn't open in that direction
Somebody told me that there was an old earth-poet named Lionel Johnson who wrote a poem called Dark Angel about how he was gay. Does this mean that Lion El Johnson was shagging Luther? Also, I heard that the Angels still have Luther back at their base and that they do....stuff to him. And the Lion is passed out in a room there too so who knows what's going on over there. I want to join the Angels but I'm afraid about the "induction rites." What do I do?
Sincerely,
My backdoor doesn't open in that direction
------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Mr Direction,
While there was a poet called Lionel Johnson, this has nothing to do with my son, as it would be a ridiculously large coincidence that a culture on a far away planet would name him after a long forgotten poet, and that he would happen to name his legion after said poet because of an ancient piece of writing from his planet. Prepare for execution for doubting the glorious Dark Angels.
Yours,
The Spess Emprah.
------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Spess Emprah of Spess.
YOU SUCK!!!!!!?!!!! LOL HAX ROTFLMAO!!!!!1111!!!
Chaos Troll.
Chaos Troll wrote: Dear Spess Emprah of Spess. YOU SUCK!!!!!!?!!!! LOL HAX ROTFLMAO!!!!!1111!!! Chaos Troll.
Dear Ms Troll,
Thank you for your letter, as you may well know I lost the ability to masticate quite some time ago, so you are indeed right I do suck, those Psykers meals aren't gonna absorb themselves.
BTW could you please give me a return address so I can send you a My Little Mephiston life size action figure.
Me Great Galactic Cookie Monster who eats COOKIES, me have question to ask, do you have any COOKIEESSSSS?
Yours cookie wantingly,
The Great Galactic Cookie Monster.
Nom nom nom nom.
Dear Nom,
Unfortunatley the only cookies I have are in the 2bit giga chips in this throne, and they aren't edible.
Galactic emrah of all things
Dear emperor of pimpness,
Hey emprah! I heard that there were some annoying armored chicks at your door! Can You send them to my telepathic position so I can purge them for you?
Dear Emperor, Longtime Worshipper, first time writer. I wish to say thank you for saving my Planet from the Tyrant Azarire with that sanctioned assassination, it was pleasing to see the petition got a wide circulation and we managed to get a billion names before submitting it to the High Lords. It's good to see government in action. We do however have a slight issue with the method undertaken. Far be it for me to criticise, but after the successful Assassination attempt a fair degree of damage and collateral damage was caused to the city. The main Hospital had nearly 100,000 casualities to deal with. The failure to include a deactivation system is a bit of design flaw, luckily the PDF eventually cornered the assailant and would you believe it, he exploded. I look forward to the next generation enjoying freedom and next time please just send a Sniper.
Yours,
Abel Hong Concerned Imperial Citizen.
Dear Mr Hong, Always nice to hear from a longtime worshipper. On the subject of petition I have no idea what you are talking about, no petition has ever crossed my throne, or ever been mentioned by High Lords of Terra, infact the whole concept of consultation and governance of the people by popular mandate escapes me. I suspect it might be one of those Left hand, right hand things and furthermore UPS have a significant backlog here on Terra after deleting the Database 5 years ago (1 Million Planets is alot of Junk mail). It is Imperial Policy never to comment on Clandestine Operations.
I am a Cadian Prince with a large fortune that I sadly cannot access at the moment. However, I may be able to if you were to give me your financial and bank details.
If you due I will gladly give a portion of my fortune.
I am a Cadian Prince with a large fortune that I sadly cannot access at the moment. However, I may be able to if you were to give me your financial and bank details.
If you due I will gladly give a portion of my fortune.
Would you help me?
What injustice is this! Why of course I would be happy to aid one of my subjects in ne-
Eh?
Oh right.
Sorry, my loyal aide the Zombified Corpse of Malcador the Sigillite just reminded me that I'm no longer allowed to know my bank account number after an unfortunate incident with the Tallarn Oil Minister's son.
Your Pal
Emp
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Dear the Spase Emporer:
Tomorrow is Intergalactic Sexy Nurses Day
when woman and certain yellow-armored Space Marines shed their drab daily clothes and dress as sexy nurses, sexy maids and sexy mutant ninja turtles.
This year I was thinking of doing something different and going as a sexy servo skull, but I can't figure out how to do the costume. What do you recommend?
Will I ever be able to score high on my Comp with a SW codex?
Even when I "soften" the list using Rhinos instead of Min/Max Razor spam, the n00bs still makr me 1's and 2's instead of 3's and 4's...
I even considered taking a "fluffy bunny" list, but I am afraid that even then I will be sniped by ignorant babies who wet themselves and curl into the foetal position upon reading "Codex Space Wolves" at the top of my list... despite not reading any further lines down the page...
when woman and certain yellow-armored Space Marines shed their drab daily clothes and dress as sexy nurses, sexy maids and sexy mutant ninja turtles.
This year I was thinking of doing something different and going as a sexy servo skull, but I can't figure out how to do the costume. What do you recommend?
Your sexy pal
Sexy on Saturn
Dear Brother Captain Stern,
I think you meant to sign "Titillated on Titan" but, whatever, I still figured it out.
So if you read Lorgar's biography of me, the Spase Bible, you know I love Intergalactic Sexy Nurses Day. I mean, some of the stuff in that book might be a little exaggerated but I really, really do love Intergalactic Sexy Nurses Day. Declaring it a holiday was one of my first orders and every loyal citizen celebrates. Like you mentioned, Dorn's boys strictly observe it -- but did you know it was out of their intense devotion to me? Little-known fact: the Dark Angels dress up year-round because they love me so much. And people thought Jonson might have betrayed me, pfft. Take a look at those dresses and tell me they're traitors. Didn't think so.
Look, anyhow, the point is that if anybody knows Intergalactic Sexy Nurses Day it's yours truly. And I have to tell you, Arvann, the "sexy" servoskull costume is absurd. Real boner-killer (lolpun). What you want to do is go as one of those hot temple assassins. Hey, and no problem with your man face, they have those ninja-masks. You can use a Wolf Tail Talisman for the hair and, as for those beefy shoulders of yours, just stuff your synthskin suit with a couple of Mk VII helmets and no one will even notice. I'd tell you to consider sexy nun, too, but Repentia show a lot of skin.
As for me, I'm going as a toilet-bound zombie god -- for like the ten thousandth time, I know. Hey, if it ain't broke!
Merry Intergalactic Sexy Nurses Day,
DEUS IMPERATOR
+ + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + +
Dear False Emperor,
I think I may have an anger problem but the way I discovered this makes me wonder if it's really even my problem. I just found out that all my friends are calling me "the Betrayer" behind my back. What the feth? Who are they to call me that gak? I mean, maybe I do overreact every once in a while but, feth, it turns out my so-called friends have been calling me the fething "Betrayer" for centuries now. Maybe more, I don't even know. These are the fethers I've been hanging with for millennia so I'm thinking, is it any wonder that I'm angry all the time? The "Betrayer," huh? Pretty fething ironic, I'd say.
Just writing this is really pissing me off. How the feth am I even supposed to deal with this gak? I've been thinking it through, about confronting them over talking gak about me like this. The way I look at it, I have three options. So, option one -- I could maim them. Option two, of course I'm sure you already thought of this because it's obvious, I could burn them. And, finally, option three -- I could kill them. I just can't make up my mind which is best. I think about it, get pissed off, and my head starts spinning. You know, it's like maim? burn? kill? maim? burn? kill? maim? burn? kill? ad nauseum. So what do you think? Maim, burn, or kill?
Dear Betrayer,
A good rant and rave is an excellent way to release pent up tension and aggression. Physical exercise is another useful technique and it gets you a nice endorphin high. I am still detecting alot of angst in there and maybe a bit of insecurity. I think a nice long bath (with bath salts) with some candles and an Enya CD on in the background (Never mix electronics and Water) would do you a world of good. With a positive mental attitude you would be ready to discuss the way ahead, Kill, Maim and burn is not the solution. You need to articulate you problems and discuss it, talk it out.
Believe me as a father of twenty, you will soon tire yourself out trying to put the world to rights. Sometimes you must just learn to sit back and let it go. As the great Mark Twain said "Anger is emotion that does more damage to the vessel in which it is stored than on anything it could ever be poured."
Oh never overlook furniture, a decent bed gives you a good nights sleep and consider buying a decent chair, I've had the same one for years and it gives me terrible back ache. Everytime I get twings, I feel like destroying a planet or two just to take my mind off the pain.
The Imperium demands unquestioning obedience. Is that price too high? Only for mankind's enemies, I think.
Gloweringly,
DEUS IMPERATOR
+ + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + +
Dear Daddy,
I was watching the season finale of Project Runway the other night and I thought, whoa it's been like three seasons of Project Runway since I heard from Daddy! I wonder what he's up to? How do we not hang out more? You know, we should just follow Tim Gun's advice and "make it work" lulz. Anyway, Daddy, I was just wondering if you could tell me what the security code on your new credit card is. I found the most AMAZING power claw at Blackstone Mall but they didn't have my size. Everything was like SOOO HUGE, like made for Bloodthirster rejects or something. AS IF! So like I got on the internet and found one with these rhinestone skulls -- it's super cute -- but when I put in your credit card info it was like denied or some junk. So I guess you got a new card forgot to tell me. If you could just send that number over that'd be the R0XX0RZZ.
(um everyone knows you're supposed to ANSWER the question above as well as ASK a new one right? Right?)
Manchu wrote:
DEUS IMPERATOR[/b]
+ + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + +
Dear False Emperor,
I think I may have an anger problem but the way I discovered this makes me wonder if it's really even my problem. I just found out that all my friends are calling be "the Betrayer" behind my back. What the feth? Who are they to call me that gak? I mean, maybe I do overreact every once in a while but, feth, it turns out my so-called friends have been calling me the fething "Betrayer" for centuries now. Maybe more, I don't even know. These are the fethers I've been hanging with for millennia so I'm thinking, is it any wonder that I'm angry all the time? The "Betrayer," huh? Pretty fething ironic, I'd say.
Just writing this is really pissing me off. How the feth am I even supposed to deal with this gak? I've been thinking it through, about confronting them over talking gak about me like this. The way I look at it, I have three options. So, option one -- I could maim them. Option two, of course I'm sure you already thought of this because it's obvious, I could burn them. And, finally, option three -- I could kill them. I just can't make up my mind which is best. I think about it, get pissed off, and my head starts spinning. You know, it's like maim? burn? kill? maim? burn? kill? maim? burn? kill? ad nauseum. So what do you think? Maim, burn, or kill?
With rage,
The Betrayer Betrayed
Dear Betrayer
Y'know even with my power of Emporer Omniciance it took me a bit to figure out who was really writing me. Of course once I did it made total sense.
Y'see nicknames can come from all sorts of things. Like when I was young everyone would call me Smallville, cause that's where I came from (sort of, long story) despite the fact that I'm not really small at all.
And y'gotta understand your nickname, it's a pun. I mean think about it, you're Beatrice Trayer of 123 Cranium Lane, Skull City, Skullworld. Beatrice Trayer, Bea Trayer... see where I'm going with this?
So don't get too stressed out, that's what I'm saying.
Yours
Teh 'Smallville' Emporer
mwnciboo wrote:Dear Emperor,
What are your feelings towards the latest pict show "The Imperiums got Talent?".
Yours,
Simon Cowell
Simon, I gotta say, and I mean this from the bottom of my heart which is over in that jar over there, the Imperium has no talent. None.
I mean seriously what with the Inquisition having standing kill orders for anyone who declares 'art' as their major we've pretty much weeded it out of genepool.
I mean really if you think Khorne, Slannesh, Nurgle and Slannesh are bad, that's cause you haven't met Liberace Chaos God of Being Fabulous.
Yours,
Teh E
Dear Landlord,
Since you burned away all the bloody Sea's 20,000 Years ago, I have been homeless. Now if that wasn't bad enough 10,000 years later you had a big family row and everytime I go out in public on Terra, people shout "Chaos Spawn, Kill him". Seriously just because I don't look human doesn't mean I belong to the ruinous powers and without getting shirty, I was here on Terra well before you lot were. So can you sort this social mess out, as I am fed up of living apart on my own home planet.
Cthulhu
Dear Large Squid Person
On advice from my Lawyers I cannot refer to you by name or comment on any accidental resemblance between you, your mythos, and the Gods of Chaos.
Yours in litigation
The Emporer of 100% Original Ideas
AvatarForm wrote:Dear Space Emprah,
Will I ever be able to score high on my Comp with a SW codex?
Even when I "soften" the list using Rhinos instead of Min/Max Razor spam, the n00bs still makr me 1's and 2's instead of 3's and 4's...
I even considered taking a "fluffy bunny" list, but I am afraid that even then I will be sniped by ignorant babies who wet themselves and curl into the foetal position upon reading "Codex Space Wolves" at the top of my list... despite not reading any further lines down the page...
Oh God Emprah, what am I to do?
Yeah, why don't you go whine Saint Celestine Heiromartyr of the Palantine Crusade how tough it is when everyone assume's your codex is unstoppable and how hard it must be to paint up all those new plastic models you got. I'm sure she'll have a lot of sympathy.
Yours
The Emporer of Balanced Codexes
Manchu wrote:
Dear Daddy,
I was watching the season finale of Project Runway the other night and I thought, whoa it's been like three seasons of Project Runway since I heard from Daddy! I wonder what he's up to? How do we not hang out more? You know, we should just follow Tim Gun's advice and "make it work" lulz. Anyway, Daddy, I was just wondering if you could tell me what the security code on your new credit card is. I found the most AMAZING power claw at Blackstone Mall but they didn't have my size. Everything was like SOOO HUGE, like made for Bloodthirster rejects or something. AS IF! So like I got on the internet and found one with these rhinestone skulls -- it's super cute -- but when I put in your credit card info it was like denied or some junk. So I guess you got a new card forgot to tell me. If you could just send that number over that'd be the R0XX0RZZ.
Kisses,
Fulgrim
Dear Fully
OMG can you believe how Anya made that comeback even AFTER she told the judges she wasn't happy with her collection! Lemme tell you boy dat Trini girl, she gonna be getting some big ups. BIG UPS.
Anyway, I won't keep you I know you have to get on your sexy nurse costume and head out.
Yours
Dad
++++++++++++++++++++
10 Print "We have returned with a new Codex"
20 Print "Our new Codex is invincible"
30 Print "You have hope to survive"
40 REM 4+ save on warriors? 5+ We'll be back? C'tan are just shards now? WTF? Seriously WTF?
50 REM Curse you Mat Ward!
60 Print "All weak fleshy ones will perish"
70 Print "Regards"
80 Print "Necron Lord 1001001"
90 Print "Ha. Ha. Ha."
100 Goto 90
I am writhing this letter to inform you, that I Trondheim have long fuled a brutal hatred towards you. I and several other other individuals swore allgiance to you, but what did I get in return..... Your socalled "Inqusition" accused me of heresy when I gassed an enthier hive, I mena it was not like the voices told me to do it, so can I get my Imperian citizinship back if you dont mind?
I am writhing this letter to inform you, that I Trondheim have long fuled a brutal hatred towards you. I and several other other individuals swore allgiance to you, but what did I get in return..... Your socalled "Inqusition" accused me of heresy when I gassed an enthier hive, I mena it was not like the voices told me to do it, so can I get my Imperian citizinship back if you dont mind?
Yours hatefully
Bloodpact commander
Dear Bloodpact Commander
Oh sure dude! just step on the big red X, kneel down and close your eyes. If you hear something that sounds like a bomb falling, don't worry, its just your citizenship.
I am really interested in this SoB. How can I get her attention?
Your truly,
A Noise Marine.
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Dear Noise Marine
You already have her attention, what with your heretical ways and general evilness. Don't worry though, the best way to show you care is (or so I have been told) to massacre her entire sisterhood and wear their blood as a talisman. That way she'll always be with you.
The Emperor.
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Dear the Emperor.
I have been arrested by the Inquisition because they think I'm a heretic. I know they say innocence proves nothing, but could you put in a good word for me?
Trooper Jack.
I am really interested in this SoB. How can I get her attention?
Your truly,
A Noise Marine.
Word up Noise Marine, how's it hangin' dude?
So, you're rockin' the sister eh? G'won son of my son! Well, the chicks love a dude with nimble fingers, how 'bout you throw a party, get a load of the sisters over (and make sure you fill the room with hotter sisters, that way when you speak to her later she'll feel reeeeeal special ifyagetmameaning), get some of the boys together and throw out a totally rad solo? Nothing too crazy, try to keep it to an even 10 minutes long.
Just a word to the wise, make sure the Uriah creep doesn't get an invite, he's a bit of a douche.
(decode)
To the deceiver. Do not message me again or I will imprison you with the dragon on Mars. Plus you need to update your anti-virus you have a serious amount of updates to download. Teh Emprah
Durza wrote:
Dear the Emperor.
I have been arrested by the Inquisition because they think I'm a heretic. I know they say innocence proves nothing, but could you put in a good word for me?
Trooper Jack.
Dear Trooper Jack,
I am greatly disturbed by this news, you have always served me faithfully and I remember well your heroism in the Battle of Skull Island, the Clash at Skull Pass and the Invasion of Fortress Skull. Surely there is nothing to this charges and it will soon be cleared-
Oh wait Trooper JACK? From the 181 Necromundan Spiders? Sorry I thought you were Trooper Jacque from the 320 Armaggedon Motorized Brigade.
Yeah, you're a heretic.
Just because you do it under the covers after lights out does not mean I can't see you.
Burn forever
The Emporer of Purity and Righteousness
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Dear the Space Emporer of Spacial Imperialism
Why did you change your logo and website? I liked it the way it was. I hate and fear change.
Why did you change your logo and website? I liked it the way it was. I hate and fear change.
Yours
Disguntled User
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
change, what is this change, i didn't authorise it but then high lord M. Ward of the OPfluffatorium has been making a few unpopular choices lately - calls vindicare - deal with it -
to question me is heresy but ward is not me so feel free to kill him
yours R.J. Emperor
I know that it's been a while since I wrote but your pal draigo was very rude to me the other night. He smashed through my bodyguard and carved his old bosses name on my heart!!! could you please have a word with him
I know that it's been a while since I wrote but your pal draigo was very rude to me the other night. He smashed through my bodyguard and carved his old bosses name on my heart!!! could you please have a word with him
your mostly rotten and hypocritical son
Mortarian
p.s. can I borrow a few custodes?
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Mortarion,
Much as I'd like to help you, Draigo is a force far beyond my control. The dark powers of the god Fanboius have imbued him with too much strength for me to quench.
Dad.
PS, no.
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Dear Space Emperor,
Could you tell us who would win between you and Darth Vadar, and the Imperium and the Empire? It seems to come up a lot in conversation and I'd like a definite answer.
Dear Space Emperor,
Could you tell us who would win between you and Darth Vadar, and the Imperium and the Empire? It seems to come up a lot in conversation and I'd like a definite answer.
Confused on Cadia
Dear cunfused On Cadia.
You do realise that this is a real no brainer, I assume that even a Cadian has one of those? Me and Darth are best buds, he has magical hands..... And for the second bit. The Emperium has Mateus Wardius, the Galatic Emperie has not.
Dear sir, I am writhing to inform you that the Galatic Court of appeals has recived a class lawsuit against you, deliverd by a mr. Abadon, he claims you have on several occations used hired help to obstruct his legal claims to the galacy. you have five days to appear before this court.
Dear High Judge Dread,
This Abaddon should be called "Abandon" he always does this! He has invaded my personal property 13 times and each time I have chased him off, he has broken his restraining order numerous times as well. He is not allowed to leave the eye or come within 10,000 light years of terra. I am fed up with this purile, stalker freak and as the Legal system has failed, I will be pursuing him by my own personal brand of justice.
Furthermore I do not recognise your authority to summon me. I personally hate Lawyers and all that you stand for making money off my Grimdark empire, So GTFO of my Galaxy unless you would like a personal visit from a member of the Inquistion. Fething Litigation culture, it's the cancer killing my Imperium from within.
A small strike Cruiser has come out of the Warp in the Ultramar sector. It is full of Pre-Heresy Word Bearers!! They believe they have been in the Warp for a year, they were a bit shocked by the idea that 10,000 years have passed (I haven't told them what happened during the Heresy yet! No idea how I am going to handle that conversation). Anyway what the hell am I to do with these guys, they are asking permission to rejoin Lorgars Fleet.
A small strike Cruiser has come out of the Warp in the Ultramar sector. It is full of Pre-Heresy Word Bearers!! They believe they have been in the Warp for a year, they were a bit shocked by the idea that 10,000 years have passed (I haven't told them what happened during the Heresy yet! No idea how I am going to handle that conversation). Anyway what the hell am I to do with these guys, they are asking permission to rejoin Lorgars Fleet.
Yours anxiously
Marneus Calgar
Ultrasmurf leader and Boss man.
"Dear" Calgar
Really? I figured you would know what to do with a ship filled with heretics! PURGE WITH FIRE! Like now!
To whom this may regard : Dear sir, I am writhing to inform you that a group of individuals calling themself Inqusitors attemted to purge a certain High Judge Dread. They are now in custody awating trial, they have asked if you can post bail.
Dear Mr Ariman.
Clearly if you captured them, they're not very good at their job. Let them rot in jail for all I care. And Malcador still won't let me have the money.
The one whom it concerns.
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Dear Dead guy.
Cadia is ours!
Signed: the Traitors.
Well first you need to call 1800-555-AVON and sign up to be one of their independent sales representatives. Then invite your friends over for a little party, show them what options there are, how make up can improve their looks and even their self confidence. Soon you'll find you're making a tidy sum and you've become a real rogue tra-
I don't get it, I just don't get it. I mean it was a full reboot with TV ads and everything. 52 new #1s! DCU Year 0! A fresh start!
They could have done anything! ANYTHING!
So what do they do... Aquaman in the Justice League. Frigging Aquaman. I mean his powers are swimming and talking to fish. Well you know who else can do that? EVERYONE! Hello fishy, how are you, nice water today huh? Why not put in Animal Man who has the powers of EVERY ANIMAL? Or Vixen who has the powers of EVERY ANIMAL PLUS SUPERMODEL HAWTNESS? Or Guy Gardner who's like Hal Jordon but has a personality? Or for FETHS SAKE if you need a water character why not MERA! She has all of Aquaman's powers PLUS controls water PLUS SUPERMODEL REDHEAD HAWTNESS!
Are there xenos hotdogs and xenos pizza in the universe.
Dear anonymous writer:
Xenos pizza is heresy! I challenge you to find even one race that can make Supreme Pizza with M&Ms as well as I can... My servants can... Whatever.
I am partial to Tau Tofu though. They sure grind up well to make a great Tofu wiener. If there's one thing that goes great with Space Sports and a foam powerfist, it's a hot, greasy, space wiener.
I don't get it, I just don't get it. I mean it was a full reboot with TV ads and everything. 52 new #1s! DCU Year 0! A fresh start!
They could have done anything! ANYTHING!
So what do they do... Aquaman in the Justice League. Frigging Aquaman. I mean his powers are swimming and talking to fish. Well you know who else can do that? EVERYONE! Hello fishy, how are you, nice water today huh? Why not put in Animal Man who has the powers of EVERY ANIMAL? Or Vixen who has the powers of EVERY ANIMAL PLUS SUPERMODEL HAWTNESS? Or Guy Gardner who's like Hal Jordon but has a personality? Or for FETHS SAKE if you need a water character why not MERA! She has all of Aquaman's powers PLUS controls water PLUS SUPERMODEL REDHEAD HAWTNESS!
Why? Seriously? Why?
Yours Vexed in Metropolis
Oh man, I wish I could help you with that, but you see, it all comes down to the quotas. Why do you think we need Wonder Woman? Same thing for Cyborg and we had enough trouble with him, since he's mostly silver. So people put on the preasure. We just can't afford to lose the undersea market. Just don't ask me how they can read that stuff down there.
And Guy Gardner is only fun if you don't have to hang out with him. Just ask Batman.
Dear Emperor,
I have a new film out, and I am so like cool. I would invite you to come and see it but you are chair bound freak and you are simply not cool enough for me and my EMO groupies. I also want you to say that you have totally ripped our franchise off with Space Wolves and Blood Angels. I wish you would die...
Robert Pattison
Galaxy's biggest tool, douche bagl and B'movie actor
Dear Emperor,
I have a new film out, and I am so like cool. I would invite you to come and see it but you are chair bound freak and you are simply not cool enough for me and my EMO groupies. I also want you to say that you have totally ripped our franchise off with Space Wolves and Blood Angels. I wish you would die...
Robert Pattison
Galaxy's biggest tool, douche bagl and B'movie actor
Say Zombified remains of Malcador the Sigillite, did you just hear something?
No?
Me neither.
Y'know why?
Cause this cheerleader chick from California turned Robert Pattison into dust 40,000 years ago!
How's things on Holy Terra? Just to keep you up to date we ended the asteroid miner strike in the Betacaratine Belt last week by addressing their legitimate health and safety concerns and punishing the crooked manager who was skimming their pension fund. We had to discipline two of the foremen though, we downgraded them 2 pay grades and assigned them to the graveyard shift. We also took care of the deamon infestation on Lucus Prime. Turns out it was just old Mrs. McCleary in a demon mask trying to scare everyone off so she could buy up the planet cheap.
Anyway when I got home I found my family finally joined the 41st Millennium by getting some of those fancy new intertubes installed at home. Now thanks to those tubes we can have message capsules arrive right at home through pneumatic mail or pmail. We can even post messages to bulletin board systems.
Well I went and signed up for a Space Marine BBS and was shocked at what I saw. People saying there's no such thing as female marines, that marines don't have kids, even that male marines have their private parts removed. I have to say I got a good laugh out of that. I mean really, this Imperium of ours has endured 10,000 years, how do they think we've kept going so long without ensuring that the bloodlines of your most loyal and capable servants continue? I know certain sticking the mud chapters (*cough*ultras*cough*) can't get with the times but seriously they're just a time minority.
And I think my wife Sister-Captain Sally or my kids little Timmy and Stacy would be pretty shocked to find out I'm not married, don't have private parts and my wife is not a Space Marine!
So do you think I should correct them or let them wallow in their ignorance?
Yours
Brother Captain Tim Cleaver and
Sister Captain Sally Cleaver
3rd and 4th Company
The Emperor's Well-Adjusted Angels
Okay. This is going to be tricky. You guys are great, really. You, Sally, and the kids have everything I always wanted for humanity by M42. But after my little ... falling out with Horus, a lot changed. Sacrifices had to be made, you see. If even Horus could be so ... recalcitrant then who could I trust? Space Marines couldn't be allowed to breed, well, willy nilly, building up these giant Legions, if the inevitable result was trying to roll my crib.
So. We did some tests and found that femarines were actually slightly smarter then manmarines. By eliminating them, my adepts estimated we'd reduce the risk of another Horus Heresy by 53%. Sally and your daughters are among the very last of them and so far as nearly every human being is concerned, femarines are totally fictional. The entire Imperium now actually believes that Sanguinia was a very pretty man called Sanguinius. Only the Dark Angels, once nearly all femarines, preserve any memory of the old times by wearing dresses into battle.
As for the consequences ... The current process for creating space marines is to perform a few dozen surgeries on otherwise normal human beings. Gene therapy, organ implants, and a strict policy of mandatory castration -- sometimes chemical, sometimes surgical -- this is how we've been doing it for ages now. The surgeries are accompanied by a bevvy of psychological conditioning that renders the subject unable to do much more than kill while screaming "for the Emperor."
I know this is hard for you to hear. And you must be asking what your own life has meant these past ten thousand years. The answer is simple: propaganda. We were desperate after the Heresy to rehabilitate the good name of space marines. The public were afraid of you at that point and merchandising revenues were at an all-time low. So we created the Cleaver family and the Emperor's Well-Adjusted Angels and made for you an artificial world, a world that could be broadcast to every end of the Imperium showing what humanity was really meant to be -- the Human Show.
But things were so different after the Heresy. People didn't want hope anymore. They became enamored of violence and superstition. Before the first episode was ever aired, studio adepts forecasted abysmal ratings. In this grim darkness, Tim, there was no room for the Emperor's Well-Adjusted Angels. Everything had changed and in the meantime we forgot about so many of our dreams and ideals. It was all swept up in the ashen winds of never-ending warfare. The truth is, we forgot about you. And I, the God Emperor of Mankind, forgot about you.
But thanks for your email.
Sincerely,
Easy E
+ + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + +
Dear Space Emperor,
Ever since I was little my parents have forced me to go to your church. But I really don't get it. I mean, are you God or what? I asked some Sisters of Battle and they said you were but then I asked some Space Marines and they said you weren't. And who's this Omnissiah they're talking about across the street at the other church? I mean the one that has the skull and the gear, not the one with the skull and the big capital I. One of the guys who goes there (you know, the ones in the red dresses) he said you were the Omnissiah but then his buddy was all like "no he's not." And they got into it and there was something about a dragon but I couldn't follow it at all.
I don't know what to believe about all this so I'm hoping you can clear it up for me. Also, I've been pretty good this year and I'd like a Xbox for Empramas please.
I am your god! If you refuse to obey I shall eat your mother! All of the people you talked to are idiots. I am the leader of the imperium.
Yours Truly
EMPRAH!
Dear Mr Emperor,
We've been learning about IG recruitment at Space Scouts today. I really wanna join, but I accidentally shot another kid's eye out. I then proceeded to slaughter everyone in the room and start drinking their bloods. When I talked to the Space Nuns about this they went away for a bit. One came back with a Bolt Pistol and I bit her arm off. I then went home and I had horns growing out of my head! Why is this happening to me?
We've been learning about IG recruitment at Space Scouts today. I really wanna join, but I accidentally shot another kid's eye out. I then proceeded to slaughter everyone in the room and start drinking their bloods. When I talked to the Space Nuns about this they went away for a bit. One came back with a Bolt Pistol and I bit her arm off. I then went home and I had horns growing out of my head! Why is this happening to me?
Johnny Beckweiser
Dear Johnny,
This is a perfectly normal, and easily explainable occurence. Johnny, congratulations, you're destined to be a Commissar! Generals will tremble at the thought of you! Entire armies will fall to your final word!
I realise that the bolt pistol / nuns arms thing was a bit of a shocker, it's not what you think... you remember that velvety green cushion that the pistol was on? When you see those, it means that someone's giving you a gift. Please, please please remember this, as I don't want you offing my generals if they try to give you a medal on a presentation pillow one day. Oh, and by the way, those aren't horns, they're those pointless, hard, ivy leaves. your short peaked cap should start to show through soon
So once again my congratulations! Go forth and kill more of our guys than the enemy does!
Regards,
Da Emprah
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Dear our Most Divine Emperor,
It is I, Sister Yasmin of the Divine Flame here. Thank you for taking the time out of reading space lads mags and watching foot-grot to read this letter. I hoped that you could clear up a little concern that I have regarding the battle plate that I and my sisters have to wear. You see, the thing is, they're only really suited to the "average on top" woman, and I'm anything but, as are (actually) all of my sisters. And all of the sisters that I've ever met come to think of it. I'm not sure that I understand why in all of the art work that I've seen, we Sisters are shown as being well equipped in under shirt holy hand grenade department, but our armour is always a size or 2 too small...
Any chance that you can speak to someone about this, as Sister Clementine had to have a bionic chin implanted after a rather embarrasing incident involving some stairs, and one of those Xenos Eldar (Eldrad I think he's known as) that just stood there laighing, and a couple of our initiates can't actually aim down there iron sights for it. Add in that nearby Guardsmen don't stop staring, even when getting chopped up by orcs, and I'm sure you'll understand why I think this needs taking care of.
It is I, Sister Yasmin of the Divine Flame here. Thank you for taking the time out of reading space lads mags and watching foot-grot to read this letter. I hoped that you could clear up a little concern that I have regarding the battle plate that I and my sisters have to wear. You see, the thing is, they're only really suited to the "average on top" woman, and I'm anything but, as are (actually) all of my sisters. And all of the sisters that I've ever met come to think of it. I'm not sure that I understand why in all of the art work that I've seen, we Sisters are shown as being well equipped in under shirt holy hand grenade department, but our armour is always a size or 2 too small...
Any chance that you can speak to someone about this, as Sister Clementine had to have a bionic chin implanted after a rather embarrasing incident involving some stairs, and one of those Xenos Eldar (Eldrad I think he's known as) that just stood there laighing, and a couple of our initiates can't actually aim down there iron sights for it. Add in that nearby Guardsmen don't stop staring, even when getting chopped up by orcs, and I'm sure you'll understand why I think this needs taking care of.
Your most devoted sister
Dear Sis,
You got a White Dwarf update, and now you want more? What... like new models?
Pffffffffft.
Emp
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Dear Space Emperor,
Why is it that we can only hit things with our guns from about the same distance away that we can run and hit them with our bare hands? Something seems wrong in our universe, but I can't quite put my finger on it.
Why is it that we can only hit things with our guns from about the same distance away that we can run and hit them with our bare hands? Something seems wrong in our universe, but I can't quite put my finger on it.
Yours,
I. Inquisitor
Sigh... I thought I explained this already.
Look, obviously it's the year 40,000 AD or whatever and sure we can make guns with a longer range than throwing a rock.
BUT, now this is important, what would it do to game balance?
I mean think of the poor Orks and those bug guys, they'd be creamed.
And then the Imperium would go soft and one fine day we'd be overrun by commie fish men from space or something.
SO, we have to keep our guns nerfed to maintain some balance in the universe.
You say you're the Emporer of Space, but you LIVE ON A PLANET!
Ha! You can't be the Emporer of Space then can you! I have destroyed you with my logic!
What? Look I'm dictating a letter here, come back later. No! I don't want to see a magic trick, why don't you go turn some more of your marines into dust! Oh now you're crying, real mature. Fricking Ahriman...
Where was I, did you write that down? No! Go back, delete that! I don't want it sent!
Dear Abbadon D'Spoiler, I wish you would literally sod off elsewhere. You are so ineffectual, you barely even raise my ire anymore. You are like an Amoeba to a Rhino, infact even writing back to you is more recognition than you deserve. Oh good luck with the 13th Crusade, I stopping giving a feth after the 1st one, if it wasn't such a comedy of errors watching your inept little band of miscreants I would truly find it tragic. But then you are the biggest liability in the Galaxy, and I am very much looking forward to witnessing your next epic fail of a Crusade.
The Big E (Most successful Human being in history)
Dear Emperor, Beloved by all, It has recently come to attention at the Adeptus Fiscal, that you opened a Bank account during the Unification Wars with 10000 Credits. Over the last 10,000+ years this has accrued average interest of 5%. Well basically, we cannot honour your account anymore...It is simply too large a sum of Capital. Infact the total is too much for any Financial institution to honour. Therefore we intend to zero your account in 28 days time. If you wish to make alternative arrangements, You must make an appointment to see our executive accounts manager in person within the next 28 days (remember to bring two forms of ID).
Yours
Asta Dominus Senior Accounts Director Adeptus Fiscal
mwnciboo wrote:Dear Emperor, Beloved by all,
It has recently come to attention at the Adeptus Fiscal, that you opened a Bank account during the Unification Wars with 10000 Credits. Over the last 10,000+ years this has accrued average interest of 5%. Well basically, we cannot honour your account anymore...It is simply too large a sum of Capital. Infact the total is too much for any Financial institution to honour. Therefore we intend to zero your account in 28 days time.
If you wish to make alternative arrangements, You must make an appointment to see our executive accounts manager in person within the next 28 days (remember to bring two forms of ID).
Yours
Asta Dominus
Senior Accounts Director
Adeptus Fiscal
Dear Senior Accounts Director,
First, did you NOT receive my Handicap Special Concessions Form 00029387KA4? I have sent it 3 times now. No?? Let me spell it out for you, then...
I AM STUCK IN A CHAIR, YOU IDIOT.
Yes, that's right, I said it. I CANNOT come by in-person. I also lack the necessary forms of ID as I have not been able to get "out and about", as it were, to have my picture taken for oh... the last 39,984 years or so, if I had to guess. Do you take student IDs?
I need these funds for a small personal hobby purchase that I've been planning, and a few gifts since it's the season for it. Don't let me down.
I found this intro for "Big O" and thought it was pretty spiffy. Think you might be able to whip up something similar for yourself? Honestly, right now I think it just outclasses you.
I found this intro for "Big O" and thought it was pretty spiffy. Think you might be able to whip up something similar for yourself? Honestly, right now I think it just outclasses you.
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Dear the Space Emporer
I've been working in my organization for quite a few light years. Our boss is generally a good bloke but I can tell he's getting on in years, making some bad choices, falling into a rut, and killing any servant who looks at him.
He has this grand vision and has tried 12 times to realize it, we're not in the middle of try #13 and it ain't going so hot.
So how can I explain to him that maybe it's time to set aside, let a younger man sit in the big chair, and maybe take more of behind the scenes role.
We of course respect his achievements, but it's time for a new vision.
Yours
D. Rider
123 Cocaine Street
Awesome World
IO Terror
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Dear the Space Emporer
I've been working in my organization for quite a few light years. Our boss is generally a good bloke but I can tell he's getting on in years, making some bad choices, falling into a rut, and killing any servant who looks at him.
He has this grand vision and has tried 12 times to realize it, we're not in the middle of try #13 and it ain't going so hot.
So how can I explain to him that maybe it's time to set aside, let a younger man sit in the big chair, and maybe take more of behind the scenes role.
We of course respect his achievements, but it's time for a new vision.
Yours
D. Rider
123 Cocaine Street
Awesome World
IO Terror
Have you tried seperating from him and starting your own company. Or how about killing him so I dont have to send my space marines in their to whoop his a*s. How about coming back out here so we can hand you over to the inquisition you heretical ba*tard.
The Space Emporer --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dea Mr emporor guy
Our Boss says "we shuld let 'im go, eez a gud fight" but eva sence den 'ee aint been 'imself and keeps gettin our buts kicked. Shuld I kill im? or wot shuld I do 'bout it?
Dea Mr emporor guy Our Boss says "we shuld let 'im go, eez a gud fight" but eva sence den 'ee aint been 'imself and keeps gettin our buts kicked. Shuld I kill im? or wot shuld I do 'bout it?
yer 'uumie git wiggles da guardzmen ------------------------------------------------------- Dear Fungus, I will not stoop to your level of poor Grammar and so called "Text Speak". Please do not write again, however do be aware that a special delegation of mine will be paying you a very special personal visit in the near future.
Yours
The Big E (note to self, must pass on to the Mechanicum to fill up some Cyclonic Torpedoes with some Weed killer to get on top of this Galactic fungal infection). -------------------------------------------------------
Dear Emperor, I know you've been around along time, but, well did you see "The Who" and "Jefferson Airplane" on the Saturday of Woodstock in 69?
mwnciboo wrote:
Dear Emperor,
I know you've been around along time, but, well did you see "The Who" and "Jefferson Airplane" on the Saturday of Woodstock in 69?
Yours
Coco Summer Pearl Necklace III
Grim Dark Hippie
Dear Coco Summer Pearl Necklace III Grim Dark Hippie
What do you mean by sixty nine? The year sixty nine or some century after that? I have lived for millenia, and I remember thousands of year "69s". But since this is the beginning of the second millenium, I suppose you mean the year 1969.
Unfortunately not, I was too busy trying to end the great war between the nations known as United States and Vietnam. No man should fight each other, and I was busy negotiating for peace. I remember I used the identity of Henry Kissinger, or was it Richard Nixon. Of this, I am not sure.
Yours
The Emperor
PS. I wonder what were your parents thinking when they named you. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Emperor
I am a Menial in an Ecclesiarchal school. The other day, Sister Superior of the Order of the Dark Rose came to me and suggested she could help me with my promotion to the rank of a full preacher, but first I would have to "penetrate her rear defenses with my assault drill, and then deploy my invasion force". What should I do? The Sister Superior made me a little nervous with her proximity and I fear she may have some ulterior motives. What should I do?
I am a Menial in an Ecclesiarchal school. The other day, Sister Superior of the Order of the Dark Rose came to me and suggested she could help me with my promotion to the rank of a full preacher, but first I would have to "penetrate her rear defenses with my assault drill, and then deploy my invasion force". What should I do? The Sister Superior made me a little nervous with her proximity and I fear she may have some ulterior motives. What should I do?
Yours Nervous Menial Decius
Dear Menial Decius I would first off forget about the Drill, you will need far heavier firepower, a Nova cannon ought to penetrate the defense's, if you cannot get one of those I would suggest a full chapter of Space Wolves to pentrate her rear defences whilst a full Crusade worth of Imperial guardsmen take care of the rest." Yours Trully The God Emperor of Mankind
Oy God Emprah I am Boss Cluckyscratcha, lately the gitz in my hulk have not been listenin' to me, and allz they ever do iz wish more boyz were dere. If dis keeps up methinks theyz gonna leavez more for da next boss ova wit does big teef, any advice?
Dear Confoozed Boss Cluckyscratcha,
A good idea is to pray to me that you will be a Space Marine next life and then proceed to tell your entire Squad to kill you.
From the Emperor
Dear Corpse-God Emperor,
Please come back so you can actually make the Imperium worth something, also if you do you must join the Red Corsairs so the Red Corsairs Imperium of Man will rule the Galaxy.
Thank you, one of your Favourite sons
The true and only best Marine of all time,
Huron Blackheart.
rockerbikie wrote:Dear Confoozed Boss Cluckyscratcha,
A good idea is to pray to me that you will be a Space Marine next life and then proceed to tell your entire Squad to kill you.
From the Emperor
Dear Corpse-God Emperor,
Please come back so you can actually make the Imperium worth something, also if you do you must join the Red Corsairs so the Red Corsairs Imperium of Man will rule the Galaxy.
Thank you, one of your Favourite sons
The true and only best Marine of all time,
Huron Blackheart.
Dear Mr. Blackheart,
We regret to inform you that Mr. God Emperor is on an extended holiday and will not return to work for some time.
You will be notified when he returns to the office and your request will be pended and ultimately purged due to the nature of the origin.
Enjoy the fruit basket.
From: Out of office servo scribe 353-9057830 "Bob"
Dear Emperor
Siege Hiel, Ve have found un vay to communicate vith the future.
How goes the Purifacation of the Human race and global domination?
Ve are trying the same thing... but vith lees than favoralbe results.
From,
Project Event horrizon 3rd Reich
Dear Emperor
Siege Hiel, Ve have found un vay to communicate vith the future.
How goes the Purifacation of the Human race and global domination?
Ve are trying the same thing... but vith lees than favoralbe results.
From,
Project Event horrizon 3rd Reich
OK, look, cause I'm just gonna say this once. Me and the Nazis, we ain't got nothing in common.
Y'know why?
Cause unlike the Nazis, I'm fictional.
Seriously it's like comparing Stalin and Darth Vader, one is a monster who killed tens of millions, the other is an actor in a suit.
Draigo here comin'at'cha! So like this weekend I was chillin' with my homies the Sanquinor and the Silent King (he says "..." by the way) and they're all like boo-hoo-hoo cause all these nerds on the intarweb are all talking about something called 6th edition.
And I'm like Duuuuuuuude! The Emporer is like Compadre Numero Uno, no way he'd go and make a new edition when like this one is so perfect! I mean hey, 5th edition has the Blood Angel Codex, the Necron Codex AND the Grey Knight Codex. What more do you need?
But the Silent King just wouldn't shut up about it and he was leaking eye oil all over the pizza so I was like look, lemme send a quick text to my Amigo Mucho Bueno (that's Spanish you know) and he can put these silly 6th edition rumors to rest.
Now I'm sorry i gotta run, my name ain't gonna carve itself into Angron's heart y'know! But just let everyone know this whole '6th edition' thing is BS OK?
Draigo here comin'at'cha! So like this weekend I was chillin' with my homies the Sanquinor and the Silent King (he says "..." by the way) and they're all like boo-hoo-hoo cause all these nerds on the intarweb are all talking about something called 6th edition.
And I'm like Duuuuuuuude! The Emporer is like Compadre Numero Uno, no way he'd go and make a new edition when like this one is so perfect! I mean hey, 5th edition has the Blood Angel Codex, the Necron Codex AND the Grey Knight Codex. What more do you need?
But the Silent King just wouldn't shut up about it and he was leaking eye oil all over the pizza so I was like look, lemme send a quick text to my Amigo Mucho Bueno (that's Spanish you know) and he can put these silly 6th edition rumors to rest.
Now I'm sorry i gotta run, my name ain't gonna carve itself into Angron's heart y'know! But just let everyone know this whole '6th edition' thing is BS OK?
Your pal
DRAIGO!
Dear Draigo,
First off, I congratulate you on your accomplishments while stuck in the warp. It's not everyday you hear one of my BASTARD TRAITOR SONS WHO ARE NOW DEAD TO ME screaming in agony from getting your initials carved into their vital organs. Well done. I've ordered for your name to be engraved on a plaque here on Terra, and we've put it with all the other plaques on Terra to honor you.
Now, I can assure you and your so-called friends (though why you would befriend my nancy-boy son and the Tin-Man's cousin is beyond me) that this 6th Edition is merely a myth. As I once said, blessed is the mind too small to doubt, so in that vein of things, I encourage you to not let any others derail your singular line of thinking.
Your friend,
Teh Space Emporer
P.S. Tell the Silent King I replied, "....". Don't worry, he should understand.
Dear Teh Spehss Emprah,
I am the first Chapter Master of the newly formed Blood Eagles Chapter. However, it looks like I will be the last one, considering our Fortress-Monastery is about to be attacked by Tyranids. As we are all about to sell our lives dearly, do you think you could give us both your blessings and some reinforcements before we become a Red-and-Yellow paste?
Sincerely,
Fethed in Foldor
Dear Teh Spehss Emprah,
I am the first Chapter Master of the newly formed Blood Eagles Chapter. However, it looks like I will be the last one, considering our Fortress-Monastery is about to be attacked by Tyranids. As we are all about to sell our lives dearly, do you think you could give us both your blessings and some reinforcements before we become a Red-and-Yellow paste?
Sincerely,
Fethed in Foldor
Fethed in Foldor
Do not worry, my son, I have already sent the holy exterminatus fleet in order to cleanse the planet of these filthy xenos! Your sacrifice will not be in vain, keep them busy there on the world while the fleet gets there.
Your Immortal father
Teh Space Emprah
Dear Holiest of all Emperors,
I am but a simple Imperial Guardsman and I believe in your divine existence and the holy light that guides all humans through these dark and evil times, but I'm a little concern with the Sisters of Battle at our base. Recently, they've been acting... strange. They keep staring at me while biting their lips, dropping their things in front of me and bending over to get them, and they keep asking me to meet some of them alone. At first I thought that they were just getting lost, clumsy, or nervous about something and thought that I was the best to ask about these things. Now, I'm not too sure. Please help me with this problem and give me your blessing to lead me away from such temptations!
I am but a simple Imperial Guardsman and I believe in your divine existence and the holy light that guides all humans through these dark and evil times, but I'm a little concern with the Sisters of Battle at our base. Recently, they've been acting... strange. They keep staring at me while biting their lips, dropping their things in front of me and bending over to get them, and they keep asking me to meet some of them alone. At first I thought that they were just getting lost, clumsy, or nervous about something and thought that I was the best to ask about these things. Now, I'm not too sure. Please help me with this problem and give me your blessing to lead me away from such temptations!
Your loyal and devout follower
Confused on Corlia
Dear Confused on Corlia,
I am most pleased that you are serving with the Imperial Guard. That alone merits some achievement that you should be proud of.
Now, considering your aforementioned problem, I have just the perfect solution: You should consult your nearest Commissar, mention which regiment you are part of, and tell him your predicament. He'll provide you and your comrades gifts. Namely high-grade ammunition for your craniums.
Your Most Loving Provider,
Teh Space Emporer
Dear fOod,
Om nOM NOm nom, nom Nom noM NOM.
Nom NOM NOM. NOm NOM Om oM NOM.
Nom NOM,
The Swarmlord
Dear Swarmlord,
I feel the need to inform you that the Human race has already been claimed as a viable food source, under Galactic law article 1135.98 (Should a single race be a viable food source for two seperate species/entities, but one of the aforementioned parties can survive on another food source but the other cannot, then the one that cannot is granted singular access to the source, within reasonable predation quantities.), by yours truly. Go eat the Orks or something.
The spehss emprah of spehss.
Dear Emperor,
Jimmy from my class says you aren't real. He says that the adults made you up so we would behave, and that you don't answer when we write letters. He says his mommy and daddy told him this before they got the funny red man with horns to walk out of the wall. Is he right?
Susie from Agri-world 1334758
Dear Emperor,
I am in need of help, I have fallen a long time ago and I want to help rebuild the Imperium.
From Kharn the Betrayer.
Dear Kharn the Betrayer
I do believe that this can be solved in more ways than one. Firstly, please give me the address from which you are sending so that I may send the 'Happy redeeming squad of hope and unicorns'. Secondly, please tell me the number of guns and a very recent map of what planet you are on. Thirdly, please power down all defense systems you may have, the 'Happy Redeeming Squad of Hope and Unicorns' are really shy about things that deal death.
Your Immortal Emperor
Space Emperor.
P.S
Tell all of your friends to come down to your planet in order to be redeemed. One time offer.
Dear Space Emperor
I am confused about some certain persons on my planet. They have become... empty minded. They keep talking about strange names, such as ponies and 'Friendship'. Do you think you can give me some advice of what I should do. I fear they may be worshiping that pathetic being known as Slaneesh. I am frightened that my friends and family may become cultists. Please help me with this problem.
Concerned on Cadia.
P.S: Can you please tell me what this 'Friendship is magic' is? They also began singing while I was preparing to send this message to you.
Fear not this new wave and instead indulge yourself in both love and tolerance which is neither heresy nor chaotic. I thusly believe that this new sect of the Imperial Creed, known as "bronyism" may one day overtake all others and rule the galaxy. Their devotion to love and friendship, and their show, which is what "friendship is magic" is, unites better than my space marine legions ever did. Hell, maybe they'll change the Imperial Aquilla to the Imperial Pony. My advice to you is to cope with the change and know that humankind will be stronger, united under the magic of friendship.
The Emperor
Dear Space Emperor
I am a space marine from the chapter called the Celestial Lions. I want to be tough and macho, yet everywhere I go the other space marines laugh at my chapter's name. They say a lion is a helpless kitty and make I Can Haz Cheezeburger jokes at my expense. What should I do?
Dear Battle Brother Leo,
I believe your problem is the name of your chapter. I am deeply disturbed tthat anyone would want to name a chapter "The Celestial Loins". I mean seriously, are we so short of names that we have to name them after the nether-regions of constelations? What's next, the Fiery Loins? At any rate, go back to polishing whatever elaberate cod-pieces your chapter wears, and leave me alone!
The Emperor
Hello there old chap! Hoping we could grab some tea again sometime soon, maybe go on a couple of adventures, run around, help some people out, you know, the whole thing we used to do.
Anyway, you know how to call,
Allons-y!
You know Who!
To whom it may concern
I told you not to write to my public address, if people knew I was doing more than sitting on a throne and writing letters they'd have my divine ass. Meet at the last place, two hours after the specified time. Bring the tea, a leman russ repair kit, and a barbecue fork.
Yours Truly
The Emperor (A.K.A. Knight of Dongalore)
Emperor, I am a guardsman, and I was wondering, why does the commissar shoot so many of my friends? I know he's trying to serve you, but it's so mean the way he shoots people when they're not paying att--
Emperor, I am a guardsman, and I was wondering, why does the commissar shoot so many of my friends? I know he's trying to serve you, but it's so mean the way he shoots people when they're not paying att--
(The note is cut off by a splatter of blood) To Commissar J'on DeMarcus,
While I understand your vigorous zeal to root out heresy and incompetence within the ranks, I, your Lord and Master on Terra, ask that you please allow guardsmen to finish their letters and send them off FIRST before you execute them, so I can more fully understand the problem at hand.
However, since they're slated for said execution, I suppose it hardly makes a difference. So, never mind! Carry on.
Emporer of Spehss Dear owner of the house,
Do you feel sad all the time? Afraid you have been forgotten by the Almighty Emperor and his uncaring Angels of Death? Hunted down by the Inquisition? If so, then maybe it's time you turn a new leaf and convert to Chaos. While Chaos may have been given such a bad reputation by nay-sayers and ignorant parrots, the truth is far different. In the service of Chaos, your talents will be appreciated for what they are and used to further accentuate your hum-drum life. The Mighty Khorne boosts your self-confidence with his teachings of martial honor and proper battle conduct. Father Nurgle nurtures your soul with his all-encompassing love and numerous gifts. Knowledgeable Tzeentch fuels your imagination with his plans to change the galaxy for the better. And the Perfect Slaanesh ignites your passions and allows you to stride towards true perfection. Compared to the lowly Corpse-Emperor, who sits on a throne thousands of light-years away, See what the power of Chaos can do for you? Join today, and be a part of something truly extraordinary.
Father Silmarus
Holy Chaplain of the Word Bearers Legion
Oh Me damn it! More spam? I mean I understand sending it, but sending it to me? ME? By Me if I weren't hooked up to this thing I'd hunt you down and kill you with psyker bullets from my brain! I hear from you again, I'mma collect all the space marines, Guardsmen, and Sororitas, have them fight their way to your house, and jam a mailbox up your chaos hole.
Yours enraged with spam,
Spehss Emprah
Dear Space Emperor
Is your throne running? (Please allow several seconds to reply before reading on)
Better go catch it! AAAAAHAHAHAHA!
From,
Your Space Mum!
Is your throne running? (Please allow several seconds to reply before reading on)
Better go catch it! AAAAAHAHAHAHA!
From,
Your Space Mum!
Dear childish cretin,
As I am the Emperor of all Space and stuff, I would normally kill others for lesser offenses to my personal being. However, since this can be a one-time thing only, I will be fair and give you a warning. Should you continue in your unamusing antics, I will be forced to visit upon you terrible consequences, the kind which probably have not been seen ever since my son Horus needed a good spanking all those millennia ago.
Oh, and don't mind any attention to the mysterious holes in your walls, as they most certainly are not housing cameras that will monitor you and your offspring for the next five centuries.
Your Big and loving Brother,
E.
Hey, dad!
It's me, Jaghatai Khan, your son!
Dude, you have been missing out on the most awesome party ever! So, you know how I got sucked into a Webway portal way back when? Well it transported me to this one place called Commoragh, and have I got to tell you, it is fething GREAT here! I mean, I get to cruise around town, go to parties, go to late after-parties, then morning after-after-parties, and then afternoon parties, and I'm just doing all the crack and booze and cigs my genetically enhanced body can take. And the babes, man. The BABES! Now, I knew some wild chicks in the Imperium, but these gals are fething beast compared to them. And how they are flexible, if you know what I mean. Hell, I've been having so much fun here, I almost forgot to find a postal to get word to you. So, get your ass off that Golden Toilet of yours and get in on the action! You know you owe it to yourself after ten thousand years of running the Imperium.
Keep on rollin', dad! Woo!
Jaghatai
P.S. Tell my brother Girlyman he was wrong. He'll understand.
Hey, dad!
It's me, Jaghatai Khan, your son!
Dude, you have been missing out on the most awesome party ever! So, you know how I got sucked into a Webway portal way back when? Well it transported me to this one place called Commoragh, and have I got to tell you, it is fething GREAT here! I mean, I get to cruise around town, go to parties, go to late after-parties, then morning after-after-parties, and then afternoon parties, and I'm just doing all the crack and booze and cigs my genetically enhanced body can take. And the babes, man. The BABES! Now, I knew some wild chicks in the Imperium, but these gals are fething beast compared to them. And how they are flexible, if you know what I mean. Hell, I've been having so much fun here, I almost forgot to find a postal to get word to you. So, get your ass off that Golden Toilet of yours and get in on the action! You know you owe it to yourself after ten thousand years of running the Imperium.
Keep on rollin', dad! Woo!
Jaghatai
P.S. Tell my brother Girlyman he was wrong. He'll understand. My son,
How dare you associate with such unmentionable xenos races! I thought I had taught you better than that, and look at you! Running around, abusing your body, sexing up Eldar women. And I for one do not care just how flexible their bodies can be, a xeno is still a xeno! The correct way to deal with them is to sex them up and THEN exterminate with extreme prejudice! Now you come back to Terra this instant or else I will have to get my Custodes to go over there, drag you back here, and put you on a time-out for a millennium or so!
But thank you for writing anyways.
Dad
(Sigh) Probably shouldn't have made twenty, too many problems keeping them all under-- wait, is this thing still on? Scribe! How do you stop this infernal machine again? This must be the fiftieth-- My most Beloved Emperor of All-Mankind,
I am Sister Celine of the Order of the Black Rose. I am writing to you because, well, I am distraught. Absolutely in confusion and anxiety!
Ever since I was a little girl in the dirty hab-block of 319978-C on Viscara, I worshipped you and you alone, making sure to keep my body and soul pure for you and weeding out any hints of heresy on your Holy Empire. I so impressed the other Sisters, and worked myself ragged so I could come to the position that I currently revel in. And now that I am here, I must ask you: when do I see you? When shall you arrive once more to my most humble post, and use me as your vessel of Holy Work? When will You-on-High ravish my body and say sweet-little nothings to me on a Monarch-sized bed? Have I not pleased you yet, My Lord? What else must I do for your Blessing?
Needy on Nikea
Dr. Temujin wrote:
I am Sister Celine of the Order of the Black Rose. I am writing to you because, well, I am distraught. Absolutely in confusion and anxiety!
Ever since I was a little girl in the dirty hab-block of 319978-C on Viscara, I worshipped you and you alone, making sure to keep my body and soul pure for you and weeding out any hints of heresy on your Holy Empire. I so impressed the other Sisters, and worked myself ragged so I could come to the position that I currently revel in. And now that I am here, I must ask you: when do I see you? When shall you arrive once more to my most humble post, and use me as your vessel of Holy Work? When will You-on-High ravish my body and say sweet-little nothings to me on a Monarch-sized bed? Have I not pleased you yet, My Lord? What else must I do for your Blessing?
Needy on Nikea
Wow, uh, gee, that's sure is uh, one heckuva offer. I mean I really don't know that to say... I mean you're a battle sister right? And uh you guys have flamers so uh, you must know what a body with 3rd degree burn over 99% looks like huh? Well now take one of those bodies and age it like oh 10,000 years.
Point being my days of uh ravishing and such wot, well they're kind of behind me.
That being said, hey if you want to uh, indulge in some solo work how about doing it in front of my effigy say around 9 tonight?
The Emp
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Hey boss, so I've started up my own initiative to avenge my planet against alien invaders.
I've got a dude in power armor, a bigger dude with a magic hammer, a bigger bigger green dude and a super soldier.
Now I've got 2 free slots so I'm thinking maybe I should get a guy who's really, really good at shooting arrows? Y'know just in case we run into a bad guy whose weakness is arrows. And then the last slot for a HAWT chick who had no powers but is HAWT and always does that pose so you can check out her tits and butt at the same time?
But maybe instead of an arrow guy I should get a guy who's really good with swords maybe. Or maybe a chick with the superpower of getting smaller and weaker.
Hey boss, so I've started up my own initiative to avenge my planet against alien invaders.
I've got a dude in power armor, a bigger dude with a magic hammer, a bigger bigger green dude and a super soldier.
Now I've got 2 free slots so I'm thinking maybe I should get a guy who's really, really good at shooting arrows? Y'know just in case we run into a bad guy whose weakness is arrows. And then the last slot for a HAWT chick who had no powers but is HAWT and always does that pose so you can check out her tits and butt at the same time?
But maybe instead of an arrow guy I should get a guy who's really good with swords maybe. Or maybe a chick with the superpower of getting smaller and weaker.
I know EXACTLY what you mean, Nicky boy. There is however one ideal candidate you've missed. I'd say he'd be perfect for the job. He's really good with swords and guns, has a lovely red and black costume and is loved by the ladies. Tell you what, I'll just send him over right now. He's got my personal recomendation, and isn't that really all you need?
Your good buddy Emporer-Pool
Can't think of a good question at the moment. Feel free to take my spot.
purplefood wrote:Dear Emperor
Please, please, please can i invade the Eye of Terror.
They would never expect it!
Sincerely, Uskar. E. Creed.
Dear Creed,
Im sorry but the eye of terror is off limits as it is currently undergoing reconstruction. However you may try invading the ghost stars, actually on second thoughts that didn't turn out well for Macharius (wussy little cry baby).
Emprah
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Dear Emperor,
Can you at least give me rough co-ordinates as to where the tree of life is?
Yours,
Leman
Dear Emperor,
Can you at least give me rough co-ordinates as to where the tree of life is?
Yours,
Leman
______________________
Dear Leman,
It's right next to the tree of death, duh.
-Space Emprah out
--------------------------------------
Deer Spass Empruh
I iz lookin fer sum right shiney bitz an' gubbins fer me, uh, UMIE deff wagon. I iz a umie afta all, right! HAHA! I wuz finkin uz cood lone me a few a doze bit uz been sittin on fer the past BILLYUN yeers. I meen, wut gud iz dey if deyz just sittin neaf yer tush while youz muckin about. What say youz den, EH?
Sinseerlee,
'UMIE Mekboy Bloodbolt
Deer Spass Empruh
I iz lookin fer sum right shiney bitz an' gubbins fer me, uh, UMIE deff wagon. I iz a umie afta all, right! HAHA! I wuz finkin uz cood lone me a few a doze bit uz been sittin on fer the past BILLYUN yeers. I meen, wut gud iz dey if deyz just sittin neaf yer tush while youz muckin about. What say youz den, EH?
Sinseerlee,
'UMIE Mekboy Bloodbolt
As I have no idea what you're saying, I'll just smite you with a cyclotronic torpedo and call it a day.
I have just encountered a spacial anomoly that is emitting inverted tacheon particles. Should I:
Reroute main power through the deflector disk to create an antiphoton pulse?
Invert the polarity on the warp core?
Or surrender?
I'm thinking surrender.
Sincerely
Captain Luke Jean
ISS Enterprise
___________________________________________________
dear "Captain" Luke Jean
Who the feth let you into Imperial space? And furthermore what the hell Is tacheon particles, my personal Mechanicum aide has no clue either. And that space anomaly is probably the eye. I think you should go on a scouting mission into it. Shields will mess with your sensors as will energy weapoon signatures so please have these systems disabled before entering the anomaly. And "when" you survive please dock at Port Maw for 6 months isolation.
Sincerely
The Emps
_____________________________________________________
Dear Emperor
Why oh why oh Why have you limited us to 1,000,000 Astartes. Abaddon is basically Horus reborn and you sit on your arse all day on that golden "throne" and leave us hanging in the wind. Our defences are woefully inadequate and antiquated after the previous 12 crusades and the Navy refuse to Co-Operate until you personally tell them to. I mean i can only CREEEEEEED so many times before the enemy figures it out. And Please tell me why Knights of Blood are Traitors, I'm talking to their chapter master right now and he seems like a nice guy
Why oh why oh Why have you limited us to 1,000,000 Astartes. Abaddon is basically Horus reborn and you sit on your arse all day on that golden "throne" and leave us hanging in the wind. Our defences are woefully inadequate and antiquated after the previous 12 crusades and the Navy refuse to Co-Operate until you personally tell them to. I mean i can only CREEEEEEED so many times before the enemy figures it out. And Please tell me why Knights of Blood are Traitors, I'm talking to their chapter master right now and he seems like a nice guy
Ever Humbally
Ursaker CREEEEEED
Dear CREEEEED
Get the feth over it. You were born and bred to die protecting my Imperium. Besides Abaddunce is a fool that why I don't beat him, he is there to amuse me. Please don't bug me again unless it is one of those fantastic stories of you hiding a Titan Legion in a house.
At this moment we have someone who claims to be your son in custody, for indecent exspour to minors. The individual on question goes by the name of Fulgrim. He stated that you would raise a bail for him.
If this is true please respond within the next 72 standard hours, if not we will assume you can not. And ship him back to you in cryo sleep.
I'm a little bogged down with saving the universe from Daemonic Incursions and being dead to help you!
Your father
++++
Dear Mr Emperor,
You currently have have an overdue Library book that I believe was given to your son.
Please return the Codex Astartes to us immediately, or your fine will be increased. Your card will be locked, and we will ban you from all branches of the Black Library.
I.hope you realise my "Golden Throne" is right above the Webway, so unless you want a 10, 000+yr old psykers flaming poo on your doorstep, please accept this virus bomb as a payment. You have three seconds before the-OOPS too late.
Sincerly
The Big E, the Empmeister, Mr E, etc.
____________
Dear Almighty God Emperor
I come before you with some of the most troublesome questions known to man, ork and Eldar.
Why do donuts have holes? Surely you waste space eating the air in the middle?
What.is in school lunches? Certainly not meat or anything they advertise.
Why do only Imperial's suffer diesese. Daddy sends them to Ulthwe and T'au too!
I come before you with some of the most troublesome questions known to man, ork and Eldar.
Why do donuts have holes? Surely you waste space eating the air in the middle?
What.is in school lunches? Certainly not meat or anything they advertise.
Why do only Imperial's suffer diesese. Daddy sends them to Ulthwe and T'au too!
Sincerly
Mr Ep. I. Demius
Dear overgrown food-baby,
Normally I would not take precious time out of my busy schedule sitting on this throne and stuff and guiding mankind to survival and stuff, so consider this a gift from the most Holiest of All.
1. The hole is there as per the specifications of the Chapter-Approved MK III foodstuffs.
2. Of course it's meat in those school-lunches, just because it goes under the name of Mystery Meat doesn't mean it's not.
3. The Eldar and the T'au are not afflicted by disease because I decreed it! And that is all you need to know.
Now, if you would be so kind as to direct your rotting mass in front of the nearest Imperial Navy Fleet, they can expound upon my answers if need be.
Sincerely,
The Master of Mankind
Dear Teh Space Emporer,
Well, I have a friend who's trapped inside of a planet. I know, sounds crazy, right? He was just doing nothing, minding his own business ruling over these humans, when all of a sudden, this shining A-Hole waltzes by and beats the tobacco juice out of him for no apparent reason and imprisons him in a room on another planet. It was totally out of line, but not much he can do about that D-Bag. What I- er, he would like to know is how he can escape and go back to his rightful rule of those people on that long, lost world.
Oh, and one of my shard-friends of the Nightbringer wishes to say "Sup?" to the Ultramarines.
Thanks a bunch,
D-Man of Mars
Dear Aun'va,
Can I talk to you about Exterminatus?
Emporer of Space
Dear Eternal Adversary,
I am the Phaeron of the Atun Dynasty, and am quite proud of everything my subjects have done in the past two-hundred years or so. However, I have a bit of a problem, and that is Imotekh. Not only is he arrogant, obnoxious, and suffering from MSD (Mary Sue Disorder), but he also keeps intruding in my territory and taking my Tomb Worlds without so much as even the courtesy of a formal declaration of war. I would like nothing so much as to turn him into a pile of molten slag, but he happens to be a favorite of the Silent King. Any idea what I can do?
Irritated Phaeron
P.S. I may or may not have a Tombworld on your homeworld that I will need use of in the near future. Just saying.
Dear Metal Idiot
1. I don't care
2. The Silent King and i were playing scrabble last night and he said to shut your pie hole.
3. Ohh you mean the tombworld we ejected into the sun sorry we didn't know you would need that.
Signed
The Eternal Winner
Dear Most Holy Space Emperor
How much longer till we can Wake up your son and begin the reclamation of the imperium?
SHUT UP BEFORE I TEL AHRIMAN WHERE YOU ARE HIDING YOUR STUPID LITTLE LIBRARY.
SIGNED
THE SPESSS EMPRAH
Dear Emperor
Have you ever considered that you might be wrong? Have you considered that the good book might save your truly immortal soul? Well I can Help Just call me now at 1-800-GIVE YOURSOULTOTZEENTCH and one of our operator will be standing by, to send you a copy of this book. Just remember call know don't wait you know your soul can't! CALL 1-800-GIVE YOURSOULTOTZEENTCH RIGHT NOW.
Please learn proper pronunciation, or I shall send my loyal SPHESS MARHEENS to DEEP STRIKE your face into my foot ! We shall use STEEHL REHN to perform a tactical insertion!
Signed
The EmPEROR
Dear Space Dude
Why do Ultramarines get so much love? Can we exterminate them?! We're hungry!
I suddenly find certain memories disappearing, as if they were not real. For you see, some time ago there was this whole business on an incy wincy planet called Pavonis with a tiny winy insignificant star god - nothing to worry about, I'm an Ultramarine so I saved myself and won by letting it go to ravish the rest of the universe and wake its Necron minions.
The problem is, it seems like it can't have happened now.. like someone has retconned a major part of my life that's been established for many years now. I'm just not sure what's going on, am I going mad?
Dear Space Emperor,
I suddenly find certain memories disappearing, as if they were not real. For you see, some time ago there was this whole business on an incy wincy planet called Pavonis with a tiny winy insignificant star god - nothing to worry about, I'm an Ultramarine so I saved myself and won by letting it go to ravish the rest of the universe and wake its Necron minions.
The problem is, it seems like it can't have happened now.. like someone has retconned a major part of my life that's been established for many years now. I'm just not sure what's going on, am I going mad?
Confused,
Uriel Ventris.
P.S. hurr durr smurfs. Nothing to see here, folks. Move along.
Most Holy Liege,
Just the other day, I was attached to the 666th Malchian regiment to keep the men's morale up. We were making an assualt on one fort, when I noticed one infantry squad making the cardinal sin of retreating. The commissar attached to said squad swiftly executed their sergeant and told them to turn back, but to no avail, and he was forced to run with them to execute more soldiers. My questions is, why can't I execute the Commissar, since he doesn't seem to be doing his job correctly?
Signed,
Commissar Tri G. R. Happy
Dear Mr Blackeye, er, heart. Blackheart. Thank you for contacting us. We actually had a message from a Grand Master Mordrak who is looking for you. we will be sending him your way shortly. he said something about vengeance and justice? Anyway, I am afriad we have a nio returns policy. All returned planets are barren, empty, Exterminatus-ified husks.
The Corpse god.
Dear Mr Space Emperor sir.
I currently had a boxing match with an alien lifeform, who's tactical genius nearly destroyed my homeworld asnd killed me. I later fought it as part of a different Hive Fleet and won this time. I thought your almighty, golden, decayed brain would be able to figure out how that works, when the creature has knowledge of how I fight and cannot truly die?
I currently had a boxing match with an alien lifeform, who's tactical genius nearly destroyed my homeworld asnd killed me. I later fought it as part of a different Hive Fleet and won this time. I thought your almighty, golden, decayed brain would be able to figure out how that works, when the creature has knowledge of how I fight and cannot truly die?
Seriously? No bravado, no idle boasting, no "hurr durr smurfs beat all" drool? I'm pleasantly surprised.
Perhaps I shouldn't have sent that excommunicate traitoris letter to the Inquisition branding you all heretics. Oh well, what's done is done, and lets be honest, you've been annoying the hell out of everyone for 10,000 years.
Good riddance.
Yours disdainfully, Big E
P.S. Tell that Uriel Ventris fella to stop mailing me mewling about how his life story has changed.
Why is it that you hate your first Legion. What did we do to deserve this?
The Unforgiven
______________________
Excuse me, but as George Orwell, an ancient writer from Terra once said," All Space marines were created equal. Some are just pure badass and you are emo. Deal with it!!!!!!!
____________________________
Dear Emps
Its Mr Khorne here. i was wordering if you would like to play some poker with me and Nurgle this weekend. I have got a couple Daemonworlds up in the Maelstrom on the table. Don't worry, that cheat Tzeentch isn't invited and that bugger Slaanesh is, uh, osmewhere. Don't ask where. Trust me. Don't ask.
Its Mr Khorne here. i was wordering if you would like to play some poker with me and Nurgle this weekend. I have got a couple Daemonworlds up in the Maelstrom on the table. Don't worry, that cheat Tzeentch isn't invited and that bugger Slaanesh is, uh, osmewhere. Don't ask where. Trust me. Don't ask. Dear Khorne,
Look, if you're going to tempt me with another game, at least offer something better than some Daemonworlds. I know you said Tzeentch and Slaanesh aren't invited, but Tzeentch always finds a way in anyways. Besides, I'm already booked this weekend for a chess-match with Creed, Scrabble with the Silent King, and Psychic Rugby with Gork (or Mork, I can never tell the difference). Maybe if you were willing to put down that Armless Failure who always keeps leading all those pesky Black Crusades, I could stop by in a month.
Master of Mankind,
E. Dear Omnissiah,
I have found it! I, Archmagos Fernos Tempralia, have found the way to fix the Golden Throne! It only cost me the better part of two centuries of research and almost all of my sanity, but I have found it at last! The other Magi are just jealous, that's why they would be so quick to accuse me of tech-heresy! Don't listen to them! Sure, I had to dabble a bit in some new innovation, but it is a sacrifice I would be willing to make for the survival of the Imperium! Please, oh great Omnissiah, allow me into the Throne Room and restore your seat of power to its TRUE potential!
Signed,
Archmagos Fernos Tempralia
What are you doin committing heresy? Surely you know that burying your head in the sand solves all problems and that applying your intelligence is like shooting me. Basically, feth off.
Yours,
Teh Sphess Emprah
________________________
Dear Mr Emperor,
Have you had an accident that wasn't your fault? A slip or trip or perhaps a work injury? Call Imperial accident helpline for details. Sgt Lorenzo is a terminator. He was injured in a purge and he claimed back 2000 credits. So call Imperial accident helpline on 0115 877 1795 or contact us online at www.annoyingmotherfethers.co.uk now. Remember, you. A claim the compensation you deserve.
P.S. PPI was mis-sold to people who didn't need, want or ask for it...
Have you had an accident that wasn't your fault? A slip or trip or perhaps a work injury? Call Imperial accident helpline for details. Sgt Lorenzo is a terminator. He was injured in a purge and he claimed back 2000 credits. So call Imperial accident helpline on 0115 877 1795 or contact us online at www.annoyingmotherfethers.co.uk now. Remember, you. A claim the compensation you deserve.
P.S. PPI was mis-sold to people who didn't need, want or ask for it...
Whats this blue "Space Pope" fellow going on about? Seems shifty to me, should I kick his ass?
Sincerely,
Commander Farsight
Dear Commander,
I have but one policy regarding individuals who are shifty: when in doubt, blam. For the past ten millennia or so, it's worked for me, or at least that's what the Inquisition says. Anyways, I would even go so far as to say you should kill alll the Blue Space Popes, as they've caused nothing but trouble ever since they showed up. In fact, if you do decide to follow up with that, you might want to alert the nearest Imperial fleet to assist you in this endeavor.
Your scheming pal,
The Emp
Dear Most Holy Emperor,
I am a Scout in the Ultramarines Chapter. I am studying very hard to one day become a full-fledged Space Marine and serve you for the rest of my days. Just the other day, though, I heard that one of our esteemed brothers, Sergeant Ilios Talras, was severely wounded during one battle. He couldn't fight, but he still lived long enough to be entombed inside a dreadnought. I have heard the pain of becoming interred in these honorable machines is greater than any experience not felt since our surgeries. So I come asking you, O Holiest of Men, does it hurt that much?
Scout Remius Newman
Dear Ultrasmurfette
You serve me. I am not an answer all. GO back to reading the codex Astartes and don't worry about it i doubt you will survive the next mission.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Space Emps
We gotta gop out and hit up a big nght on the town you, me, Mork (or is it Gork? never could tell the difference), and The Silent Party King.
*Message sent year 327.M31*
*Message received year 999.M41*
Dear Father,
It is with a heavy heart that I must tell you of a great catastrophe that will befall the Imperium. Horus, my brother, and your most beloved Son, has turned his back to you in favor of Chaos. He has listened to their lies and deception, and now is planning to lead his and several of our brothers' Legions to take your place at the Throne. I know that you said not to be disturbed for anything, but I feel this most dire and urgent situation requires your notification. I trust you to do what must be done in order to prevent this monstrous crime from ever occurring.
Your Son,
Magnus the Red
Magnus
YOU DON'T SAY!
p.s. I disown you for joing up with Tzeentch
Dear Space Emps
We recently uncovered a cacheof old information disks from before the Age of Strife here on mars they seem to be from someone called Monty Python and his flying Circus what should we do with the.
Techno-magus Xiliphant
I will surrender my current black crusade if you can tell me where that mother-fether Creed put my arms
Sincerely, Abbadon
Dear Abbadon,
When will you realize that not only have you no arms, you also have no tact? Have you ever wondered just why none of your Black Crusades ever reached Terra? And as far as Creed goes, he's too valuable a poker-partner for me to simply give up.
Death on your head and such,
E.
Dear Emprah,
When are the Sisters of Battle going to emerge in glorious polymer form?
Also the chaplain says it's a sin to 'produce gene seed' by looking at holographs of unarmoured Soritas. Is this true?
Yours in pervertedness,
Fulgrim
My son,
How many times have I told you to stop looking at those dirty holos of unarmoured Soritas? You should listen to that chaplain, he knows the truth. What he didn't tell you, of course, was if you do such an unspeakable act again, then the Boogeyman will come to you in your sleep!
Love,
Dad
Dear Teh Space Emporer,
I am but a humble Space Marine of the Crimson Fists Chapter, and I have a question. I have meditated on the subject many, many times, and yet I still cannot find the answer to this most perplexing and puzzling question. So, I come to write to you, Your Holy Grace: In your Infinite Wisdom, why have you made all Space Marines bald?
Sincerely,
Hair Envious Harry
Dear Teh Space Emporer, I am but a humble Space Marine of the Crimson Fists Chapter, and I have a question. I have meditated on the subject many, many times, and yet I still cannot find the answer to this most perplexing and puzzling question. So, I come to write to you, Your Holy Grace: In your Infinite Wisdom, why have you made all Space Marines bald? Sincerely, Hair Envious Harry
To hairless harry,
Child of my child, you have arrived at quite a saddening question. It is simply your chapter who is bald, and consequently fewlish as per the infallible logic of the tactical mastermind that is Boreale of the Blood Ravens. In your foolishness you allowed your chapter to be decimated by xenos because somehow somewhere someone cocked up and a single missile which shouldn't have made a dent destroyed your fortress monastery.
Space Marines from many other chapters have hair. Even Lysander of the Imperial Fists, the chapter which bears the heraldry of the legion from which your own brotherhood is descended, has a small amount of hair.
Because yo Ultramasmurfs too fewlish to handle da truth. Daemons are illegal immigrants to reality so we get the Grey Knights to mindrape them with chdder.
Also, Daemons are supposed to be a secret. We will be sending an Inquisitor your way with a mindwipe. If you resist you will be totalled along with your chapter (cue cheering).
Dear Emprah
Why, oh, why, can that twit Boreale not spee propoly? 'E talks like a spoon. We gonna stomp 'im flat.
Dear Emprah
Why, oh, why, can that twit Boreale not spee propoly? 'E talks like a spoon. We gonna stomp 'im flat.
Urs stompy
Ghazkull Mag Urk Thraka
Dear Foolish Ork,
It does not matter whether humans have some speech impediment, or have missing legs or are an abnormal. As long as they fight to serve me, I don't see anything wrong with that. Everyone should learn to love and tolerate their fellow human being, unless they're mutants or traitors or heretics. In which case, like yours for example, Kill them all!
Yours as Master of the Galaxy,
Big E.
P.S. If you, however, criticize Boreale based on his tactics, then yes, he is a bit of a liability.
Dear Space Emprah,
I always feel like my squad-brothers and I are always watched by some behemoth omnipotent being who dictates our every move and command on the battlefield. Every once in awhile, I hear the rumblings of giant cube-like boulders tumbling about, and there's always this incessant rambling about "rules". The other Marines either tell me I'm imagining things, or simply ignore it. What's going on?
Signed,
Feeling Diminuitive on Dimmar
I feel the inquisition needs a word with you. There are NO Omnipotent beings, NO Giant cubes and No rules, i assure you, these are all in your imagination...whadda ya mean, I can't do that horus? it says right here in this rulebook i can shoot twice at 12" with my marines.....oops!
You loving Emprah
Dear Space Emprah,
What happens to all the farts that build up in your throne?
Ah Zog off! I wrote to the wrong bluddy fing! Fine 'en.
Dear Space Emperor
You know my da can beat you up? He choked you and you kid out
Signed Guglutz
Dear confused xeno,
I sincerely wish that just before you die, your miniscule brain can comprehend the fact that your "da" could not and did not even lay a finger on me right before I blasted his body into oblivion.
I hope you like Astartes throwing a party for you and all your friends.
#1 in the Galaxy
Dear Emperor,
I am in most dire straits. My manufactorum overseer fired me because I am three months behind my debt of ten billion Thrones, I've lost an arm, both legs, and anything surrounding my pelvis to horrific accidents, my children starve while laden with disease, and I probably will be arrested because of my first predicament. If you truly are a beneficent Overlord of all Mankind, please hear my plea and give me some aide.
Signed,
Crippled on Correlia
I hear your plea, here is some special Emprah ointment gel that will heal eveything it touches. Actual results may vary.
Emprah
Dear Emprah. my custom pimped out rhino with mega stereo and fluffy dice got blown up by heretics, now my squad has to run into battle making tank noises, what should I do?
I hear your plea, here is some special Emprah ointment gel that will heal eveything it touches. Actual results may vary.
Emprah
Dear Emprah. my custom pimped out rhino with mega stereo and fluffy dice got blown up by heretics, now my squad has to run into battle making tank noises, what should I do?
Signed
A lonely rhino driver.
Dear Lonely Rhino Driver
Look, rhinos, you and your squad dare hide on metal bawkses, you cowards, you fewlz, maybe it's better that they took away your metal bawkses.
______________________________________________
Oi, Oomie tuff bloke,
I'ze nicked yo kids milk and I'z fired all your minerz an workaz an I'ze buying Tau coal. What's ya gonna do 'bout it
Mine,
Ghazgull Mag Uruk Thraka
(for those of you that don't know, ghazzy is based off margaret thatcher)
Please note the large metal drop pod hurtlung towards you. Inside is a bioagent that will dissolve you and your warriors' flesh in moments Thousands of these are being delivered all over the planet. I have decided Armeggeddon is... expendable. Bet you thought we were retreating didn't you? He, you fewl! We shall send Steel Rehn to mash your faces and burn your backsides! And the my SPHESS MARHEENS will fly METAL BAWKES in to finish the Job!
Yours laughing,
The Emprah!
Dear Emperor
I have recently heard the most disturbing rumours. Apparently changes in the Immaterium are having a drastic effect on real space combat. Before, Whdn I charge, I stay in front with my Flamer, as not to immoliate my allies. No matter what, those behind would always die first. Even if I was gitting, brother Icarus would drop dead from a wound I should have. But now it has changed. Apparently if I go at the very front, I am sure to die. But my flamer must go in front. My only option would be to take a plasma gun or heavy weapon and sit at the back. What should I do? Charge and die like a moron? Or hide like a coward?
Ah yes.. I have heard of these 'drastic changes'. Not to worry, you'll be used to it soon enough. I believe you forget that the flamethrower is primarily a close-combat weapon; a blunt tool for clubbing your enemies' brains out, and an ad-hoc BBQ second.
What? Oh yes, it can have some implications on someone's long-term health and future prospects if you spray them with burning prometheum. My, my, Roboute really got it wrong when he wrote that little blue book of for beginners. Honestly, charred ork on a stick tastes rather tip-top after a hard fought battle.
As for your little conundrum, I'd advise staying next to the sergeant, with the rest of the squad in a loose circle around you. That way you are neither back nor front, nay to the sides either. You are in the VIP part of the squad. A few scrubs bite it and you're still there, ready to have that BBQ in the next turn-err I mean shooting pha--um, during the counter-attack.
What I'm really wondering is why the devil a dedicated ranged squad is charging point blank anyway.. silly, silly Roboute. I honestly ought to have put some sort of tactical genius in charge of the Space Marine legions instead. Hm, if only there was one at hand.. hm.. tactical genius...
Say, Malcador, bring a servitor scribe with that tea would you? I have a few things I wish to-- Oh, I'm sorry, I quite forgot this infernal machine records everything I say.
Drinking Tea on Terra,
Everyone's favourite Anatolian.
Digital codii? What do you think this is, the 41st millennium?
Signed, The Internets -----------
Dear the Internets, --Digital Codi are innovation and thus HERESY. I shall dispatch the ordo libermaximus to deal with the GW heretics as soon as I get off this throne and get to a temperate climate to aid my health.
Dear nuisance,
Thank you for writing to me about your question. Let me, however, make my attempt to fight fire with fire and answer your question with a question: How would you like to serve in the Imperial Guard? I'm told there are spots open for the 708th Penal Battalion.
Yours,
The Big E.
Dear Space Emporer,
Help! Something terrible has happened! I was suddenly picked up and submerged in this foul green liquid that reeked of disenfectant, and then all of my color began to melt from my figure! My medals, my pauldrons, my big golden U! They were all made jet black! What do I do?!
Signed,
A Frantic Ultramarine
I devour the souls of a thousand psykers every day, stop the predations of demons and hold back the entire warp, act as a beacon of hope and faith, giving purpose to your lives. I even maintain the astronomican so that the entirety of the Imperium can function! Hell I even died for you people, and you want more? All I even ask is that you go to space-church every Sunday! Being the Emperor is a full-time job, I haven't had a break in 10,000 years! Why else d'you think I work on the bog? No time for toilet breaks in my line of work.
I think a few years in the Imperial Guard might do you some good; help you discover your faith again. Now, unless you have yet more mundane matters to bother me with, I shall bid you adieu and you can expect your planet to have its entire male populace conscripted and shipped to the Eye of Terra, or perhaps the Sabbat worlds crusade.
Dear Spehss Emprah,
How can I, once thaut so BAHLD and FEWLISH, get sum speaking lessons? Can you dierect me to one who can halp me?
Sincerely,
Commander Boreale
Dr. Temujin wrote:Dear Spehss Emprah,
How can I, once thaut so BAHLD and FEWLISH, get sum speaking lessons? Can you dierect me to one who can halp me?
Sincerely,
Commander Boreale
Well as the master of uncounted trillions I understand the importance of having a clear and decisive speaking voice. After all no one would follow my every whim is I had a lisp or a high pitched girly voice.
That's why I went Mr. Vader's School of Awesome Voices. Mr. Vader's has taught some of the finest evil overlords in the Multiverse.
It is an honor to be like writing to the one dude in the whole galactic universe who is more righteous and awesome than I am!
So like I was flying my Storm Raven, doing barrel rolls and crazy Ivans and pulling like 20, 30 Gs no biggie and I'm like, y'know what I should do, I should give Calgar a call! Cause like, he doesn't have any airplanes so I figure he'd want to hear about mine.
So I take out my I-phone XXXXK (special limited edition Grimdark version) and ring him I'm like "Dude! I'm in my airplane now, it's awesome!"
But he's like "Yeah man, check it out I'm in my airplane too! Sweet huh?"
And I'm like "Dude, you don't have any airplanes, I mean except for Thunderhawks but they're Apocalypse only".
And he's like "No dude, I'm in my sweet, sweet, superpimped Storm Talon!"
And I'm all like "You're wha?"
And he's like "My Storm talon, it has like twin linked assault cannons and stuff"
And I'm like "Is that new?"
And he's like "Nah bro, we always had them, just like we always had ironclad dreads and always had thunderfire cannons"
Well I like flew right home to Titan, pulling 40, 50 Gs no biggie, and I checked my codex and there's nothing in there about any Storm Talons, like I figure like Calgar was trying to pull something on me.
It is an honor to be like writing to the one dude in the whole galactic universe who is more righteous and awesome than I am!
So like I was flying my Storm Raven, doing barrel rolls and crazy Ivans and pulling like 20, 30 Gs no biggie and I'm like, y'know what I should do, I should give Calgar a call! Cause like, he doesn't have any airplanes so I figure he'd want to hear about mine.
So I take out my I-phone XXXXK (special limited edition Grimdark version) and ring him I'm like "Dude! I'm in my airplane now, it's awesome!"
But he's like "Yeah man, check it out I'm in my airplane too! Sweet huh?"
And I'm like "Dude, you don't have any airplanes, I mean except for Thunderhawks but they're Apocalypse only".
And he's like "No dude, I'm in my sweet, sweet, superpimped Storm Talon!"
And I'm all like "You're wha?"
And he's like "My Storm talon, it has like twin linked assault cannons and stuff"
And I'm like "Is that new?"
And he's like "Nah bro, we always had them, just like we always had ironclad dreads and always had thunderfire cannons"
Well I like flew right home to Titan, pulling 40, 50 Gs no biggie, and I checked my codex and there's nothing in there about any Storm Talons, like I figure like Calgar was trying to pull something on me.
Right?
Yours,
DRAIGO!
Dear Son,
See, here's the thing. The Adeptus Munitorum has to keep track of a million million statistics, events, products, recruitments, deaths, and so on. It is literally impossible for them to keep track of every single thing that happens with every single human in the galaxy all the time. Even I have trouble figuring all that stuff out, and I'm the Emperor, me-damn it. So if Calgar says he has a new type of jet that the Space Marines always had in their arsenal, just like you guys always had a giant baby-carriage, chances are he does. As long as you can use it to kill xenos and daemons and heretics, I don't really care all that much. Whatever gets the job done, you know?
Oh, and I wish you'd stop bragging about all of your exploits. It gets a tad bit annoying for an old man who's stuck in a Golden Chair for the rest of his life.
Peace,
The Big E.
Dear Emperor,
I'm but a simple Guardsman on the frontlines facing the Tyranids. Seeing as how we've expended almost all of our ammunition, food, and water, we're down to skeleton crews, and the bugs are going to attack us again, is there anything that could comfort us most in our time of most dire need?
Yours,
Guardsman Halls
P.S. My son is asking for a toy lasgun for Emperormas this year. Think you can help me out?
Dear Emperor,
I'm but a simple Guardsman on the frontlines facing the Tyranids. Seeing as how we've expended almost all of our ammunition, food, and water, we're down to skeleton crews, and the bugs are going to attack us again, is there anything that could comfort us most in our time of most dire need?
Yours,
Guardsman Halls
P.S. My son is asking for a toy lasgun for Emperormas this year. Think you can help me out?
Dear Guardsman
Your son has been conscripted into the Imperial Guard. Hopefully he does a better job than his father.
Teh Spess Emperorer
Yo Emps
Why am I not supposed to wipe out those insolent little commies! They are blue xenos. Come on man!
I'm a bit confused in the new big book between hull points, victory points, kill points- it's all a bit confusing. That's not even to mention my codex, what with it's blood talons, blood-shard shells (no lie), basically blood everything.
Do you think we could start using some synonyms or something... just to mix things up?
I'm a bit confused in the new big book between hull points, victory points, kill points- it's all a bit confusing. That's not even to mention my codex, what with it's blood talons, blood-shard shells (no lie), basically blood everything.
Do you think we could start using some synonyms or something... just to mix things up?
Yours,
A reader
Dear Reader
Really..... Really.... Feth off.
Signed
Teh Speesss Emprah
Dear Emperor
There seems to be a problem Slaanesh has unleashed its latest horror upon us. It has the power of Greater Demon but is no larger than a woman. It's singing had driven all the young girls on planet Fordan to become screaming idiots. It said its name is Justin Bieber. What should i do to kill this evil?
Dear Inquisitor,
If fire doesn't kill it, you could always get the Orks to do it. Or Exterminatus. Exterminatus is my favorite...
Teh Spehs Emprah
Dear Emperor,
Why must we be firm allies with the Tau, but not with the righteous Sisters of Battle? Sure, we have our disagreements here and there, but at least they're not XENOS!
A P-O'ed Black Templar
Dear Emperor,
Why must we be firm allies with the Tau, but not with the righteous Sisters of Battle? Sure, we have our disagreements here and there, but at least they're not XENOS!
A P-O'ed Black Templar
Dear Fewl
Do not question my ways. You will protect them and you will like it. Direct all further Question to my bro on Ultramar Marneus Calgar.
Signed
Ur Spess Emprah
Dear Emps
Yo dad We found this great party in the Warp. the girls here are crazy. Can we put off coming back to the Empire for another 2000 years?
Your Sons
Leman, Jaghatai, Corax, Vulcan, Alpharius
I would suggest you do. Upon return you will be grounded for the rest of your lives. That means no fighting, no motorcycles, no drinking, no flying, no playing hide and deek (Corax) and no forging! Alpharius, uh, no, trading places with people. And that goes for your twin as well.
PS, bring me back a Daemonette.
Dear Emps
Please explain why my Heavy Bolter just got lighter? It used to be that I couldn't move and shoot, but now I can. I'm not a great shot when I do but still....
Please explain why my Heavy Bolter just got lighter? It used to be that I couldn't move and shoot, but now I can. I'm not a great shot when I do but still....
Mr S.Marine
Son of my Son,
Oh, don't be silly! Heavy Bolters were always light enough to fire off a snap-shot. Now, why don't you go and run along, I hear the Orks are going to make a 2d6 charge-- umm... well anyways, they're going to attack you soon.
Always have been friends with the Tau,
E.
Dear Mr. Emperor,
I am a Librarian for the Ultramarines. For many decades I have trained under the tutelage of my brothers before me to focus my psychic powers on one single school of powers. Now, just before I go to battle, I suddenly forget one set of powers and instantly learn an entirely different set. Instead of setting my enemies on fire, I now can fire off a giant bolt of lightning. Did something happen along the way?
Signed,
A Concerned Librarian
Dear Mr. Emperor, I am a Librarian for the Ultramarines. For many decades I have trained under the tutelage of my brothers before me to focus my psychic powers on one single school of powers. Now, just before I go to battle, I suddenly forget one set of powers and instantly learn an entirely different set. Instead of setting my enemies on fire, I now can fire off a giant bolt of lightning. Did something happen along the way? Signed, A Concerned Librarian
Dear Concerned Librarian,
Nothing is amiss. It's all in your head. Been spending too much time in the dark hunched over books..
Please help me, a female of the Imperial guard aproached me and touched me inappropiatley, what do i do?
Young Scout
Son of my son,
What are you complaining about? Find that guardswoman and encourage to inappropriately touch you some more! Tell her your "bolt pistol" needs "cleansing of impurities", and that you need to inspect her "krak grenades". Now, get on with it!
Exasperated on the Throne,
Big. E
Dear Wise-and-Omniscient Emperor,
My son asked me a question I couldn't answer: What came first, the egg or the chicken? What should I tell him? Do you know the answer?
A Concerned Mother
Dear Wise-and-Omniscient Emperor,
My son asked me a question I couldn't answer: What came first, the egg or the chicken? What should I tell him? Do you know the answer?
A Concerned Mother[
To "concerd mother"
So he askeed about this did he? I suggest you start administrating harsh beatings to weed out any such heretical thougts. If this fails do contact your local Adeptus Mech and they will return him as a obidient servior
I apologise for my lack of contact. I had "Child" problems. My eldest son was going through "that phase." After that one of my Sons murdered his brother, several others along with their 10, 000 Grandkids each tried to kill the others. Never fear, I destroyed my eldest after he nearly killed me, killed my other son and destroyed my Empire. I am now a skeleton eternally enthroned.on my Golden Throne.
So.how 'bout lunch this week?
Dear Emperor
For years my Regimwnt has taken to the field alone. Leman Russ and Chimera race below Valkeries and Vendettas. We track thtough the trenches. But yesterday a few Blood Angels showed up with a Land Raider and acted like they own the place. The day before some Daemons did the same. They just popped up, and were like "Yo, this is our spot."
For years my Regimwnt has taken to the field alone. Leman Russ and Chimera race below Valkeries and Vendettas. We track thtough the trenches. But yesterday a few Blood Angels showed up with a Land Raider and acted like they own the place. The day before some Daemons did the same. They just popped up, and were like "Yo, this is our spot."
WTF is going on? Troubled Guardsman.
Dear Troubled Guardsman,
Well, see, it comes down to this. In the great galactic scheme of things, you guys are on the bottom of the proverbial totem pole. While I do regret the daemons pushing you guys around, the Blood Angels do have some priorities above your own. Sorry, but that's just how it is. If you have any further grievances, you can always take it to the complaint department, namely in the form of the Local Commissar's Bolt Pistol.
Keep on doing My work!
E.
Dear Big Boss Dude in Space,
Me and my wife want to have a child, so that he/she can help us do the various chores and one day join the Imperial Guard, like we did. The trouble is, and I'm rather embarrassed to say... well, let's just say my lasgun keeps running out of juice. Is there anything I can do?
Cannot Conceive on Cerulean Prime
Dear Big Boss Dude in Space,
Me and my wife want to have a child, so that he/she can help us do the various chores and one day join the Imperial Guard, like we did. The trouble is, and I'm rather embarrassed to say... well, let's just say my lasgun keeps running out of juice. Is there anything I can do?
Cannot Conceive on Cerulean Prime
Dear minion on Cerulean Prim
Well it do seem like you need a new motivator, may I recomend checking out the rather fabelous art known as the sacred Pornografious Multitaskum, if that fails Im sure your neighbour can give your wife a bit of gun power in her battery cell.
If you recive this then you have been made aware that your daugthers known as Sisters Of Boobs/Battels have been arrested for frivouls activites on Springbreakia IX.
Dear Emps
we would like to know if the Sisters of the Dirty Towel could come back to Springbreakia IX with us.
signed
The entire Catachan 349th
Dear Catachan 349th,
Aren't you guys supposed to be on duty? Like on Vraskia Secundus, fighting the Orks or something? Anyways, don't ever ask me such silly questions again!
Lovingly,
The Big E.
Dear Emperor,
I am from the Adeptus Administratum of Segmentum Obscurus, Sector Bajoris, etc. I have seem to come across an administrative error of sorts. I recorded that the Agrippan 257th Infantry Regiment was sent to the fighting on Armaggeddon in M41.999. But then I just found another statistic stating that the same regiment was sent to the opposite side of the galaxy, in the same year! Now, rather than trying to clarify by asking for it to the High Lords of Terra, which will probably result in the answer: "Don't ask", I appeal to you in my greatest sense of respect.
I know you have the answer for all of us.
Peyton Farquar
Administrator #48999261.3
Dear Mayan Guy... Maya Ngy... Myeun.... ah to Terra with it, Dear Supplicant,
If only I had a space marine for every time I heard another bloody prophesy of doom... seriously, we'd be able to do that galactic conquest thing again! That was fun, next time though, reckon I'll leave the kids at Creche....
But seriously, why are listening to that crap? If I told you that life was decided on the roll of dice, by some snotty kid that has a huge BO problem, you'd call me crazy right? RIGHT? EXACTLY! So why in my name would you believe some TABLET, that was probably written by some red shirted nonce, prouncing about like he owns the place, spouting as much doom and gloom as he can just to get you to buy his crap? I bet this tablet had some form of fruit logo on it too huh? Wow, those batteries really do kick ass...
Chill dude, you're sounding as pessimistic as one of my old mother in laws...
------------------
Dear Emperor,
We appear to have run out of mains extensions leads. I realise that this is a trifling matter, though we're pretty fubar'd after a Chaos invasion recently (they kept yelling "Amps for the Amp god! Joules for the joule throne of Watt!" - it really was quite a shocking experience....) so we were wondering if you could send someone over with a few? Not many, just... I dunno.... a million should do for now I guess. Just until we can get to our nearest Costco and sort something else out for ourselves.
Please be aware that your new EMPRAH Titan is on hold, as little Timmy Simpkins (Grand Master of the Forge here, who isn't so little any more) can't operate his hand tools until we can get the required leads....
i'm afraid you cannot have my extension cords as i need them for my food dispensirs and remote controll rhino tanks and other vital important systems.
Go and steal the from the guard, nobody cares about their extension leads.
Dear Emprah
I recently saw what I thought was a rhino today, with mine destroyed by chaos i thought i would wonder over and borrow it as it was in the middle of the battle and i didn't fancy getting blown up. However I was told I couldn't enter because it was infact a 'not rhino' and they refused entry to GW marines.
Could you please tell them that as a GW marine, i am the most dynamiclly superior bieng who is the best in the world at what I do, and they should let me ride in their inferior rhino
Dear Emprah
I recently saw what I thought was a rhino today, with mine destroyed by chaos i thought i would wonder over and borrow it as it was in the middle of the battle and i didn't fancy getting blown up. However I was told I couldn't enter because it was infact a 'not rhino' and they refused entry to GW marines.
Could you please tell them that as a GW marine, i am the most dynamiclly superior bieng who is the best in the world at what I do, and they should let me ride in their inferior rhino
An Angry Marine
Dear Angry Marine,
"Not Rhinos"?! In MY Holy realm?? I ought to get up off my Throne, teleport over to your location, and kill you with MIND BULLETS for suggesting such a heretical notion!! But since I can't, I suggest you find the nearest squad of Grey Knights so they can purge the thing from existence. Oh, and also wipe your memory and stuff.
Really, "not rhinos"...
Your GW and TRUE Emperor,
E.
Dear Future Food,
Hey, Big Guy, I'm Norn Queen #8297663 of Hive Fleet Leviathan. Now, I just picked up a copy of 6th Edition, only to find out us Tyranids have no allies! Seriously, that is the most unfair unbalanced thing ever, I mean seriously, you'd think they'd give us SOMETHING to offset this nonsensery. Do you think you could help us remedy the situation, or at the very least explain to us why this is?
Oh, and if you give us a few allies, the Hive Mind promises not to devour you personally. In fact, we'll just skip Terra altogether and keep on going our merry way.
Thanks,
Annoyed Queen
Given that you called me future food I'm not inclined to believe your offer of bypassing terra. However, I do actually have an ally for you in the form of this gargantuan can of raid.
Now buzz off and stop bugging me!
Emp.
-----
Dear Father,
Why don't yiu ever bloody talk about me? It's always Roboute this, Rogal that, Russ the other bit. Waaah Magnus broke my chandelier.
Where's the love for the khan damnit!?!
Curse is thinking the same thing, and yiu know what he gets like when he throws his teddies out of the pram.
*Ninja'd* Dear whoever decided to ask about my promiscuity, I have 20 kids, what do you think?
Condescendingly yours, TGoM P.S. Do you know where Horus is, we were supposed to have tea together this afternoon and he missed it
-----
Dear God Emperor of Mankind,
I am on some gakhole of a planet and my commissar keeps on harassing me and my squad about how messy our beds are, please give me advice as to what to do about this man. He seems to think a clean bed will keep the Tyranid away
Dear emprah, how does it feel to know that tzeentch is going to warp ur plague-wracked body (nurgle) to the dark princes realm to be raped? Before I kill u.
Dear emprah, how does it feel to know that tzeentch is going to warp ur plague-wracked body (nurgle) to the dark princes realm to be raped? Before I kill u.
Khorne
Oh, Khorne,
I think someone's jealous because I made a deal with Cecoragh to screw with you guys in our annual poker game. Seriously, guys, learn how to take a fething joke once in a while.
Jokingly yours,
E.
P.S. Tell Slaanesh to say hi to Ynnead when he wakes up. It's going to be a real party.
Hay, gurl, hay,
So I was like, oh my gawd, I have totally not talked to daddy in such a long time. It's been like what, millennia since I came over and stuff? So I just wanted to say, like, hay daddy, what's like up? I wanna go to those, like, pleasure planets and, like, show the people there how to have a good time, ya know? I know you'll be, it's all cool.
XOXO,
Fulgrim
Fulgrim,
You continue to bully your brothers, and try to wreck the house, so no you are still grounded go back to your room!
The Emperor of mankind
Dear Emperor,
Can you please clean yourself, for the first 5 years I was fine with cleaning up after you, but now after all this time you just sit on your arse and not do a thing while I pay the bills and deal with the drama.
Dear Tzeentch,
I have been countering your plans for 10000 years and I still kick your butt at the weekend poker games, what makes you think I am not a god.
P.S. We are doing poker at nurgles this weekend
E.
DEAR EMPRAH,
I AM BROTHER Censored OF YOUR MOST BAD Censored SPESS MEHREEN CHAPTER THE ANGRY MARINES. I AM CURRENTLY HAVING AN ISSUE WITH MY Censored Censored Censored Censored CAPTAIN HE REFUSES TO LET ME USE SERVITORS AS WEAPONS TO RAM UP DARK ELDAR Censored !!!! SO NOW I HAVE COME UP WITH A FAR BETTER PLAN TO USE MY Censored Censored CAPTAIN AND SHOVE HIM UP THE DARK ELDARS COLLECTIVE Censored !!!!! BUT I AM TRYING TO PLAN ON HOW TO DO IT. I NEED YOUR Censored HELP
YOUR MOST Censored SPACE MARINE BROTHER Censored
OOC: Yes I censored it myself, I decided this game wasnt worth a permaban
I am sending exterminatus at you cuz you made me mad with such uncouth sputtering
E.
Dear Emps,
since you are basically invincible, would you be bpthered if i used my zombie plague on you
sincerely, Typhus and Nurgle
Dear Typhus & Nurgle
Sorry, the warp is a weird thing, got your message 10000 years early, I am out of sick millenias, but I will send Mortarion and The Death Guard for you to use.
P.S. Next time I can take a few sick millenias I will be hanging out with dorn, and sanguinus.
Emperor Dear Emperor
Using old logic engines we found something out, there was a God Emperor of Mankind on a librarium known as 4chan. Are you the same person?
I think your short, and in my opinion generally unimaginative responses are having a somewhat less than positive impact on the game.
I sure know that if I take the time to sit down, write a paragraph or two intended to be amusing or to give the responder a good deal of material to work with, I don't want someone to just disregard it with 1-2 lines of garbage.
DreadlordME! wrote:No, who is this false-emperor, sounds like horus has come back!
E.
Dear Emps
Why are Smurfs so stuck-up.! Grey Knights screw em hard (do you think they are possessed by slaaneshi daemons?)
Crowe
Dear Crowe,
The Smurfs are probably not quite as stuck up as you make out. But then I'm not surprised, as your chapter seems to be able to find any excuse to get angry at someone, declare them heretics and virus-bomb them. Don't think I don't know about that time that woman you met on Miranar laughed at your unremarkable penis size, so you declared Exterminatus on the entire star system. I see these things you know.
Yours truly, Teh Spess Emprah.
XXX.
Dear Teh Spess Emprah,
Me and my friends like to pop into realspace from time to time, to muck around and make some friends, as quite frankly tribadism is only fun for so long. However we seem to have run into a problem: nobody likes us. Most Imperial Guard seem to shoot at us, and those that don't get shot by these silly men in long coats. Most Space Marines just get angry and shoot us, or punch us or otherwise hurt us, the shiny Space Marines are even worse, and try and stab us with blades on sticks with fancy lettering, Space Nuns really don't like us at all and set fire to us, Tau ignore us completely, Necrons just glare at us, Tyranids tend to dribble on us and attack us with tentacles, which we wouldn't mind if they didn't have hooks on the end, and Eldar just run away as soon as they see us, crying something about soles. Odd, we never bring fish. The Chaos legions are just a bit douchey really.
Dear 'Dude on Terra' You are clearly a mutant. Something of which either the Inquisition or Sisters of Battle can take care of in a heartbeat. They specialise in mutant extermination err....I mean mutant surgery. As a matter of fact attached to this file there is a case number in which they will assign a skilled specialist and take care of your eye problem. If they are unable to take care of your eye problem please send a message and I will get to it in approximately 13946 days.
Yours Truly The God Emperor of Mankind
Dear Emperor.
Me and my family came to you awhile back looking for food, which you gave us. While we do thank you for the occasional morsel you throw us, my family is getting bigger and bigger, yet we are forced to try and live off of just a few planets biomass. And most strangely of all these "Ultramarines" seem to not understand that we came into your galaxy with your permission, hell you even have a beacon for us so we do not become lost on the way and starve. So please Emperor stop your blue giants and little green things from shooting at us, those rounds hurt quite a bit, and besides cheese doesnt taste good to us.
Love Always' Hive Mind
OOC: Try to answer with longer posts, better grammar, and try to put both your answer and question in one post, I think we would all appreciate it EDIT: I am aware I am also guilty of the above, but this is killing the thread, and its a fun thread
I imagine that the reason they are shooting at you is that you are trying to eat them. People tend to react badly to that. Very badly. I recommend you instead try one of the Imperium's many resturants and eating houses, located for your convinience right next to our largest cemetaries. We serve anyone, and our waitresses are very friendly. You won't be dissapointed.
Yours,
Teh Spess Emprah.
Dear Teh Spess Emprah,
This irritating little mortal by the name of DreadlordME! is starting to get on my nerves. He is ruining a perfectly good thread and coming up with stupid answers. Would you kindly remove him from existence?
Cheers,
Khorne. XXX.
PS: Tell Shy'lith and her Daemonettes that my legions would love some female company and that she is always welcome in my domain.
This irritating little mortal by the name of DreadlordME! is starting to get on my nerves. He is ruining a perfectly good thread and coming up with stupid answers. Would you kindly remove him from existence?
Cheers,
Khorne. XXX.
PS: Tell Shy'lith and her Daemonettes that my legions would love some female company and that she is always welcome in my domain. [
Dear Khorne
I do understand what you mean, that pesky brat will get what is comming to him soon thou. I think your servnats would do a good jobb acctualy
And as regarding those daemonets.....well I hate to break it to you but they are Slaanshi
So after countless aeons of slumber I awoke to find a massive skull coverd pipe ending up in my home, when I looked up it I saw a man clad in a red robe dancing around a machine. Has the world really changed that much?
Yes, however the world will cater to your needs and every whim of lovecrafty goodness, howeve, i cannot belive you really are that small! you look so cute!
Well there are several reasons for this, one of them being that its big and golden. The other reason is its many hidden fuctions, like the Sister Of Battle stimulatus 3000 rod.
Yours masterly
Da spess empra
------------------
To da crupped ummie known as da empra!
Me an da boyzs haz a questiun for ya, how did ya not stomp em runty boyzs of yer before em all lootad da univerze?
Now, if dem runty boys are IG, then I must mention that I can order them to commit suicide and they will, so it' easy to stop them. But, if you apply it to my legions and the HH, then just read my autobiography of those events, entitled "Horus Heresy".
The Emperor, of mankind, his high holiness and brilliant writer
Dear Your Most Supreme Lord of Imperial Greatness,
My name is Corporal Lance "point it the other way" Garand, of the Ghalaphrasian 42nd Enginseers.
On a recent excavation, my squad found themselves delving deep under ground, and we found ourselves in a cavern. It was big, with blue and yellow bits and what looked like the word "Blockbuster" written across the front. Let me tell you, this place looked old. Older than old even...
Well, while we were in there we found some kind of device that, seemingly, plays the same content over and over again. This particular screen showed a person called Hellboy... only... he wasn't really a boy. Or even human. But he fought with humans, for humans, and against the stuff of Chaos.
Towards the end, it seems that the gods of chaos actually made it to the material realm, only for this "Hellboy" to excommunicate their sorry asses back to their stink hole beyond the veil.
My question, Most Supreme Lord of Awesomeness, is this: please can we perform the same ritual to bring our own hellboy here, I reckon we could kick 7 shades of hell out of everything against us with him on side.
And on a personal note, any idea how I can make myself into a clockwork ninja made entirely of sand?
Wishing you well, hope that thing your doing is going along smoothly.
Yes well, captain lance, i must point out, that hellboy is most definitely a creature of chaos himself, or some very odd xenos, and as such cannot be trusted. I would like to see a machine as you said, and may revise judgement later. But I think that you'll be having a visit from some babes soon, for implying we, thepure humans of the imperium, may indulge in something of a ritual. As another person on this "box" of yours has said:
I am writing this to you from the warp. My name is Neil Armstrong, and I was the first man to land on the moon, back when "Terra" was "Earth". I would just like some credit for being the pioneer of your space travel days, cuz without me you would be the emperor of terra, not space. My details are enclosed.
Whilst I am very grateful for your revolutionary achievement, I'm afraid that "Neil Armstrong" is a rather dull name for the 41st millennium. Perhaps "Corneilius Ironarm" would be a better name to remember you by?
Also, I'm afraid we had to take down that candy wrapper on a stick you put on the moon, as quite frankly it looked hideous.
Yours uselessly,
Teh Almahteh Spess Emprah of Mankahnd.
Dear Mister Emperor,
My convent is getting rather bored between battles. We try our hardest not to give in to carnal urges, but given our vow of celibacy we really need some method of letting off steam, if you get my drift. I request that you lift the ban on the Orgasmus Maximus Stimulation Baton and distribute it to all the convents, as it contains no heretical technology or imagery, and honestly the hilt of our chainswords are a bit painful.
My convent is getting rather bored between battles. We try our hardest not to give in to carnal urges, but given our vow of celibacy we really need some method of letting off steam, if you get my drift. I request that you lift the ban on the Orgasmus Maximus Stimulation Baton and distribute it to all the convents, as it contains no heretical technology or imagery, and honestly the hilt of our chainswords are a bit painful.
Yours devotedly,
Canoness Alexa, the Order of the Thunder Maidens.
XXX.
Dear Cannoness
Having considered your proposal and the needs of my beloved daughters. I have decided to grant your request. Signed Yours Most lovingly Teh Spess Emprah Papi
p.s.pay no attention to the tech adepts placing cameras in your convent.
Dear Emperor
As per our agreement i am letting you know that the world Zebia IV will be undergoing a zombie plague. - Papa Nurgle
Dear Mr. Spess Emporer,
I have a child of eight, and I want to be able to provide him with a loving and nurturing environment. But I have to constantly compete with a brand new show about the Arbites officers called "Killing Heretics with a Blast". Now, I'm not saying anything bad against the Arbites themselves, but the ultraviolent nature of the show itself is a problem that is corrupting today's youth, such as my own son. They show people with guts spilling out, and saying all sorts of blasphemes and words that I would never wanted poor Davie to start repeating. It's mind-blowing that such a thing exists on the holovids this millennium. I hope that you can put a stop to this horrible nonsense and encourage more senseful, educational programs.
Signed,
A Concerned Mother.
Dr. Temujin wrote:Dear Mr. Spess Emporer,
I have a child of eight, and I want to be able to provide him with a loving and nurturing environment. But I have to constantly compete with a brand new show about the Arbites officers called "Killing Heretics with a Blast". Now, I'm not saying anything bad against the Arbites themselves, but the ultraviolent nature of the show itself is a problem that is corrupting today's youth, such as my own son. They show people with guts spilling out, and saying all sorts of blasphemes and words that I would never wanted poor Davie to start repeating. It's mind-blowing that such a thing exists on the holovids this millennium. I hope that you can put a stop to this horrible nonsense and encourage more senseful, educational programs.
Signed,
A Concerned Mother.
Dear Concerned Mother,
I'm confused, as this kind of show was banned in 35th millenium (why pretend to shoot xenos and heretics when you can actually do it says I)... Can I ask, does your pict screen have curtains either side of it? If so then what you're looking at is a window and I would highly recommend taking up arms against whatever filth it is that's trying to kill your little boy. Ok, he may not be the focus of the attack, but they'll get to him eventually and I doubt they'll put him to work in the soup kitchens.
Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned, but war knows no fury like a mother with a lasgun. Crack on love.
Sincerely,
The Emps
------------------------------------
Dear Emperor,
Something weird just happened - these Mechanicum guys just landed on our planet and started taking all of our extension leads, they said that you'd authorised it saying no one cares for the guard, is this true, and if so, why have you forsaken us? Tempt me to turn traitor why don't you.
(Dreadlord, you need to follow up each post with a new question, and try to extend on your answers a little more as has already been said, with respect, its getting annoying)
So, oe day I was just cruising along, when suddenly I am knocked out of the sky by something strange and flying, painted blue. It had a U on it. It was odd. So, I shot it down. But now some ultramarine pansies shot down my raider. I am sincerely pissed off. I just shot something down, it was no problem of the ultramarines was it? Could you please discharge these barbaric fools?
Yours confused: Archon Yrellliath Bloodheart Lord of the Kabal of the Swift Knife, His Holiness etc.
The reason they shot at you was because what you shot down was in fact an Ultramarines Stormtalon Gunship, and therefore was most certainly their business. Dumbass. Now go away and, I don't know, do some bondage or something.
Yours patronizingly,
Teh Spess Emprah.
PS: DreadlordME!, if you are reading this, stop posting. Now.
Dear Emperor-San,
Whilst I am obviously very grateful for the large amount of merchandise and my friends have, what we really need is a Vocaloid based tabletop wargame. Could you get this done?
Well what you ask could be done,but why do you not want more Imperium related mercandize in your collenction? Beside who wants to play with each other troaths?
Ps : I sendt you a special suprise, it should be arriving when you read this
Yours angerly The Big E man
To DreadlordME : Either learn the basic art of rule reading or stop destroying this tread!
Which one of my traitorous sons legions are you from I have a list of all the traitors i have had killed and I would like to know.
Signed Laughing hysterically
By Teh Spess Emprah
P.S. I sent a Custode after you. Enjoy.
Dear Emps
Bro this is Marbo I'm kinda trapped behind enemy lines right now. I know this is where i always am but i just thought I should write you a letter. Why is it that every time i show up every one is trying to kill me I bring the party bro. So in summation: What is up with that.
Dammit I hear Creed yelling about outflanking the enemy in in warlord Titan. Gotta go.
Sly Marbo
P.s. Can you hook a brother up with the number to the nearest convent of sisters?
Dear Silly "Boys'" Toy,
I would account for your shoulders hurting for a number of reasons, and they are as follows:
1) You are not worshipping me
2) You have yet to join the ranks of real men's toys, like my Imperial Guard
3) Maybe it's time you invested in some giant pauldrons
4) You are not worshipping me
5) Mattel could NEVER hope to achieve the great magnificence of GW's
6) You are not worshipping me
7) Are you a car or a giant robot? Make up your minds, Me Dammit!
8) Did I mention you are not worshipping me?
Well, I certainly would think this should help you along.
Yours in Superiority and Worshipfulness,
E.
Dear Holy Emperor,
I, Brother Targal of the Grey Knights, submit to you, O Most Righteous of Us All, a gift of tremendous proportions. No, seriously, it's bigger than a Baneblade. Enclosed with this message is a giant block of Swiss Cheese. We have recovered this Holy Relic whilst fighting the Great Enemy, and it has served us well since then. We have decided to dedicate this great weapon to You and the Holy Priests of Mars so it may be sanctified and produced in greater quantities.
Nomming on the Cheese,
Brother Targal, Grey Knight
Dear Brother Targal,
Thank you for your most righteous and pious submission. The Great Cheese has been *cough* given to the noble Tech-Priests, who are applying sacred unguents over its holy surface and reciting Sacred Vows of Purity. Cenobyte Servitors have been called forth to spread the *cough* most sacred incense over the entire Imperial *cough* *cough* Palace. Great choirs of *aargh* Ministorum Priests sing holy hymnals, and *cough* *cough* Imperial Guard parades on the *cough* streets. I have a feeling that this descovery will bring cheese upon the Imperium, cheese unlike anything we*cough* have seen in millenia. This discovery will surely bring a new golden age of nomming in the Imperium. *cough*
Yours suffocating to incense,
The Empra
Dear Emperor of Mankind,
I ain't but a humble farmer livin' up in the Belerophon subsector of the Ultima Segmentum. Yestedai, I was diggin' around in mah corn field. It sure is a lovely sight this time of the year, with Brainleaf Fronds hoverin' about and flesh eatin' worms risin' up to the surface, just ta die from the shot of me good ol' lasgun blessed by ya. But anyway, here I was, digging up a whip-weed; those bastards eatin' up the roots, when I suddely clanked me shovel into the surface of someting' hard. I thought I had myself a treasure, so I called forth two of my eldest lads and me wife. We dug n' dug, until we saw what the thing was. I ain't seen no magical contraptions other than me tractor, but I sure could say it was old, older than granpa Morrison's boots! On the side, it read "STC". And boy it was big alright! I thought you might wanna hear about me discovery. I dunno, might be somethin' important, ya know.
Yours truly,
Farmer Harrison.
Dear SCV (Saliva Covered Marine),
USE YOUR HOLY BOLTER TO BLOW THE HAIRY THING'S FACE UP AND THEN DESTROY THE BIGGER LESS FURRY ANIMAL'S FEET
YOURS MIGHTILY,
THE FETHING EMPRAH O' MAN
P.S. Darn Caps Lock....
Dear your royal corpsyness
My home girls keep entering the materium to have a kicking party, yo, but those xenos keeps shooting them up and forcing them back to the warp, less their beautiful faces get messed up for good.
I thought our bargain was you take care of the xenos and we take care of the pleasures
Also your marine homies & friends keep attacking us. They keep saying it's 'by your orders'. Is this true? I thought we were best frenemies!
If so I'm gonna have to either have to catch up with you and try my best to remake the frenemy connections between us or kick your massive (dead) royal behind
Yours charmingly,
Slaanesh, your not-so-local party guy!
I do apologize for the behaviour of my many minions. For some reason they have a fear of lavender. I have tried to tell them to leave your poor girls alone, but unfortunately I'm three quarters dead.
Still, the Order of the Firey Sword would love to party with you and your girls, especially if there are tequilas and strap ons involved.
Yours regretfully,
Teh Spess Emprah.
Dear Almighty God-Emperor, our Father, Guardian, Immortal Defender of Mankind, to whom the Dark Gods themselves tremble,
I am sooooooo horny! And there isn't a single man in the monastery! Is lesbianism heretical in the 41st millenium?
Yours yearningly,
Sister Isabella, Order of the Hammer of Judgement.
Sister Isabella, Order of the Hammer of Judgement.
All the battle sisters look like my space mairnes with make up on anyway, i shall turn the other cheek, but only this once since you asked me.
Emprah
Dear Emprah
We have detected signs of Jupiter corparation mining ship headed towards our homeworld, the captain, a Master Rear admiral sir Arnold J Rimmer BSC has requested we accept his surrender, we belive this could be a trick, what should we do?
Dear space core,
My favourite thing about space is that I rule it, mostly
From the big E
Dear 'Emperor'
What is wrong with you? You have all that power and you choose to be good!
Join the dark side, and replace those mind bullets with lightning!
From
Emperor Palpatine, Darth Sidious, Dark Lord of the Sith & the TRUE ruler of MANKIND!
My traitor sons do not like Emperors at all, and as the easiest target between us they have decided to kill you. As I am sure you are aware, Darth Vader is in fact Alpharius who wants to kill- Wait you didn't?
Luke, now!
Anyways, Abaddon says thank you for the bluprints though he wishes to rename it "The Planetkiller."
I have just realised this is bad for us, therefore I shall not protect your soul. I hear Slaanesh is on a nasty streak. And Nurgle wants a new friend.
Dear Emprah.
Mah tongue does not work! Every Sphess Mahreen unda ma command has tried his best to fix this dilemah! But to no avail! Nad the BAWLDNESS rectifier cream is USELESS! How could I be so FEWLISH?!
Dear Capt'n I.B. Do not fear, you are not the only riduculous sounding person, there were others, namely that chaos worshipper who yelled 'METAL BAWKSES' wait, actually, do fear. The similarity between your voices may be the result of a chaos infetion. The =][= will be seeing you soon, unless you die first
Big E
Woops... stupid buttons...
Dear Emp Lately I have been seeing images of your and Rogal Dorn. what does this mean? Am I now your champion? Confused Initiate of the Black Templars, after his first day of battle
Dear Emp
Lately I have been seeing images of your and Rogal Dorn. what does this mean? Am I now your champion?
Confused Initiate of the Black Templars, after his first day of battle
Son of My Son,
Either you're right, and you are, indeed, the new Champion of your Crusade, or you're having hallucinations from a bad case of indigestion. Either way, you probably should talk to your Chaplain about the visions.
Yours in Hallucinations,
E.
Dear "Emperor",
I'm Alpharius. And so is Alpharius. And so are all the other Alpharius'. Now, me and the other Alphariuses have been thinking, and judging by all the data and evidence compiled over ten millennia of hard work, investigation, and research, we believe that you, the Emperor of Mankind, are actually Alpharius. I mean, heck, even if we get it wrong, everyone else we keep seeing is probably Alpharius also. Just writing to see if we got it right this time.
Sincerely,
Alpharius, currently disguised as an Aurelian Duck
You are free to come pay me a visit, but first you have to pull yourself together and stop crying on the surface of Cadia. After you have done that, you have to cut your hair as I told you ten millenia ago. It must be awfully long now.
Yours rolling eyes,
The Emperor.
Dear Father,
I have found a really nice place to test my Angelic Wings around here in the Eye of Terror. There's a really nice breeze.
There is also a really nice guy around here who calls himself Kaldor Draigo. We have made lots of righteous cleansing in your name.
I also found many of my brothers here. We are out of hamburgers and cola shortly and we need to refill our fridge.
At Sanguinius,
But, I saw you die, didn't I? Anyway, money is coming soon
Your Father,
The Emperor
Hi Empy!
What's your view on nightsiders, yay or nay?
If yay, I'm a nighsider
If not, I'm most definately a homo sapien
Your faithfully
Mistress Madel, Acting superviser of the night planet Derif X
You mean Night Rider, right? I love that show! It's the one and only reason why I've not been able to get off this throne since the heresy. Ha, I mean it's been like, what 5 years now or something?
One thing though; I don't really get how you're a talking car that's in charge of a planet... Tsk, the things those Mechanicum boys can do now eh?
And I don't care what you're sexual tendencies are, homo sapien or hetero sapien, it's all good
Peace, love and cheese cake,
Da Empz.
-----------------------------------
Dear Most Esteemed Emperor,
In a nut shell, what makes you so great? I'm a High Lord of Terra, and recognise the fact that the human race needs a leader that is entirely copus mentus, as opposed to mostus corpus.
We have seen a number of Lords try, and fail, to take "ownership" of the race for the greater good of mankind since your internment on yon throne of copper. Sorry, gold. Yes, gold, dont worry, I did my research. Bloody temps.... anyway... my point is, we need someone that can lead, we're stuck in a damn deep rut right now dear chap and I can't help but feel that carrying on as we are will result in... well, extinction is I'm perfectly honest.
So I bring you back to my original question old boy, what makes you so great, and how I can I become as great your wonderous self in the hope of returning our kind to the glory that we experienced before you suffered that rather nasty scratch, without me being declared a traitor and having an exterminatus shoved up my royal extermi-rectum?
Also, have you considered turning the golden throne in to some kind of mega wheel chair? The chicks'd dig it
)
Censored 