The reson for me bieng so good is well, not to be arrogant but I'm me! i'm just amazing, the only way to become as great as me is to become me! i did try and turn my throne into a wheelchair, but to be honest, i'm so great why should i move to accomadate people, they should culd to me, 'cus i'm great!'
A black hole in space? Why should I see a black hole in space. Even though I am the most potent psyker who ever lived, I am no Navigator. I take it you accidentally hit one while in warp transit and plan to blame me for not warning you in time. Sure, blame the old ruler of Mankind for every mishap that you can imagine. Blame me for your food getting cold, blame me for not granting you that brand new Grimdark-model sports car you prayed for months, blame me for that leg you broke because I didn't protect you when you jumped off the tree.
I have other things to worry about than warning you about everything. Besides, I power up the Astronomican. That should be enough guidance for you in space. I never told I was a god you know. Besides, aren't you a member of the Ultramarines, my son's sons who are supposed to be the best and brightest of all, and still you cannot even navigate past a black hole?
Disappointed,
The Emperor of Mankind.
Dear Emperor,
I am a traitor Space Marine of the Word Bearers legion. Umm... I have a big confession to make. We all regret betraying you in the Horus Heresy, and we want to ask for forgiveness. However, we have a small...ish question we'd like you to answer...
Well, you see, it's about our Primarch Lorgar. When he was banished into the Eye of Terror, he locked himself into a big grimdark church, and said he wanted to be in peace. That's okay, we thought, but it's been ten thousand years and he is still meditating there! I am not even sure if he is there anymore, as I heard alarming rumors about a big metallic fellow named Trazyn who has a giant man in PA as a centerpiece of his collection. You see, we draw our own conclusions...
Please help grandfather,
Phobos of the Word Bearers.
I am a traitor Space Marine of the Word Bearers legion. Umm... I have a big confession to make. We all regret betraying you in the Horus Heresy, and we want to ask for forgiveness. However, we have a small...ish question we'd like you to answer...
Well, you see, it's about our Primarch Lorgar. When he was banished into the Eye of Terror, he locked himself into a big grimdark church, and said he wanted to be in peace. That's okay, we thought, but it's been ten thousand years and he is still meditating there! I am not even sure if he is there anymore, as I heard alarming rumors about a big metallic fellow named Trazyn who has a giant man in PA as a centerpiece of his collection. You see, we draw our own conclusions...
Please help grandfather,
Phobos of the Word Bearers.
Dear Son of my Traitorous Son,
While I have a hard time believing that all of the Word Bearers wish for forgiveness by Yours Truly, especially those inducted since that whole mess, I am glad that you yourself have stepped forwards to make amends.
But you see... consorting with Daemons and allowing yourselves to be possessed is... well, what can I say, it's rather troublesome on my mind. When I set out to create the Imperium, I wanted people to not know anything about Daemons in the first place so they wouldn't start mucking about in the first place. Hindsight being 20/20, it's safe to say that ended rather poorly. But I digress...
And what reason could I possibly have for forgiving you all for betraying me? I cannot trust you to come back to My fold and not expect a bolt shell to My Head, or something along those lines. Besides, what would forgiveness mean exactly to you? I need to be clear on what it is you're asking of Me. I don't just give out pardons like leaflets, you know.
As for Trazyn stealing your father for his collection... he MAY be there, or he may NOT be there, wouldn't you like to know? Tee hee...
Yours in slyness,
E.
Great Omnissiah,
What if we were to inter you into a Golden Throne Dreadnought?
A Curious Magos of the Adeptus Mechanicus
But for what purpose? I heard you were unable to repair a failure which was discovered a year ago in my Throne. Besides, isn't my great Throne already pretty much a static Dreadnought? I can't leave this throne anyway just to stride around inside a giant machine, otherwise Daemons would pour into the Imperial Palace from the gate!
But if you truly have the technology to repair my Throne, not to mention turning it into a Dreadnought in the process, just repair my Throne and revive Guilliman instead with your Golden Dreadnought. It would look stupid if I would be interred into a Dreadnought just to sit idly near the Golden Throne for another ten thousand years! Guilliman on the other hand could be of use to my forces as one. Just make sure to paint most of it blue and cover it with pauldrons, gothic archs and reversed Ohm-symbols. And while you are at it, give it two pairs of hands. And a jump pack.
With love,
The Omnissiah.
Dear Inferior,
Why have you been telling those abject and lying Word Bearer wrethces that I may have their leader in my possession? I say, if Lorgar wants to meditate for all eternity, let him do so in peace. I find it obscene that my privacy has been invaded in such a blatant manner! Usually, when Word Bearers come to my doorstep, I tell them I am not interested in hearing about "our lord, Chaos" and tell them I do not believe in Chaos. Usually they just stuff some leaflets under my door and leave after that. But this week, they have been trying to break through into my precious collections with brute force! Half of Solemnace's legions were required to drive them away, I say.
As for my question to you, I have always wondered what is the big secret of the Space Marines known as "Dark Angels"? They seem to possess one they do not share with anyone outside their inner circle, as my mindshackled servants in their organisation have told. I only know it has something to do with their robes... I must know.
Curiously,
Thantekh the Deathless.
Why have you been telling those abject and lying Word Bearer wrethces that I may have their leader in my possession? I say, if Lorgar wants to meditate for all eternity, let him do so in peace. I find it obscene that my privacy has been invaded in such a blatant manner! Usually, when Word Bearers come to my doorstep, I tell them I am not interested in hearing about "our lord, Chaos" and tell them I do not believe in Chaos. Usually they just stuff some leaflets under my door and leave after that. But this week, they have been trying to break through into my precious collections with brute force! Half of Solemnace's legions were required to drive them away, I say.
As for my question to you, I have always wondered what is the big secret of the Space Marines known as "Dark Angels"? They seem to possess one they do not share with anyone outside their inner circle, as my mindshackled servants in their organisation have told. I only know it has something to do with their robes... I must know.
Curiously,
Thantekh the Deathless.
Dear Metallic Idiot
The Dark Angels secret is for me to know and you to never find out as I have sent them to purge you. More importantly the only Chapter with a secret is the Black Templars why do you think they can never stop crusading. Hint its because i sent them away,
Teh Spess Emprah.
Dear Mon-Keigh
we have found loud annoying rotund creatures on one of our Maiden Worlds. They say they belong to you and they are something called a Squat? Please get them off our planet or we will remove them.
Literally, no idea what the hell you're talking about, they must be some Rogue Traders or something... nothing to do with me in all my grim dark glory! And no more jokes about squats on the golden throne dammit!
Emps.
---------------------------------
Our Father, who art intered, Emps be thy name,
Lord, I'm with the sons of orar. Have you ANY idea who this bloody Orar guy is or what he did that made him so special? Seriously, we trawl around the archives for years as part of basic and its always bloody fruitless! the only thing we know is that bastard Sicarius nicked his shoulder guard, reckon you could put a word in with him to hand it back?
Lord, I'm with the sons of orar. Have you ANY idea who this bloody Orar guy is or what he did that made him so special? Seriously, we trawl around the archives for years as part of basic and its always bloody fruitless! the only thing we know is that bastard Sicarius nicked his shoulder guard, reckon you could put a word in with him to hand it back?
Cheers dude
Awesomuss Maximus
Sons of Orar 7th company
Dear Awesomuss Maximus,
You are a Chapter of Space Marines fighting and killing and dying in My Holy Name, and your main concern is what your origins were? There are literally hundreds of Chapters whose origins are missing or unknown or whatnot! Heck, even I don't recall specifically every single one of the One-Thousand Chapters currently in existence, or if that number has gone up or down. But tell you what, if you can uncover all the other chapters' histories, then I'll promise to look up who this Oar or Oard or whoever he is.
Busy holding back Daemons of the Warp,
E.
Dear "Emperor",
Now, both you and I know that you're an occupied mortal trying to fight off an endless list of threats to your precious Imperium. I, on the other hand, also am quite busy with my own conquests in expanding my empire, and more often than not I run into similar problems in keeping it intact as you do with yours. Take the Tau, for instance: they slowly creep ever deeper into your space and planets, proliferate, and regularly brainwash your subjects with their propaganda. I'm sure your Ultramarines would appreciate a respite from their like to fight off other threats in the galaxy. What this all leads up to is this: a proposal of a temporary alliance between my forces and yours in order to wipe out the blue Communist frogs from existence. I'm sure both our respective domains could relax that much more if they were disposed of. I will give you one Terran year to contemplate this offer.
Yours Sincerely,
Imotekh the Stormlord, Phaeron of the Sautekh Dynasty
Dear "Emperor",
Now, both you and I know that you're an occupied mortal trying to fight off an endless list of threats to your precious Imperium. I, on the other hand, also am quite busy with my own conquests in expanding my empire, and more often than not I run into similar problems in keeping it intact as you do with yours. Take the Tau, for instance: they slowly creep ever deeper into your space and planets, proliferate, and regularly brainwash your subjects with their propaganda. I'm sure your Ultramarines would appreciate a respite from their like to fight off other threats in the galaxy. What this all leads up to is this: a proposal of a temporary alliance between my forces and yours in order to wipe out the blue Communist frogs from existence. I'm sure both our respective domains could relax that much more if they were disposed of. I will give you one Terran year to contemplate this offer.
Yours Sincerely,
Imotekh the Stormlord, Phaeron of the Sautekh Dynasty
Dear Imotekh,
DO NOT call my Ultramarines Blue Communist Frogs damn you! Oh, wait, you meant the Tau? DO NOT call the contents of my Koi Garden Pond Communist Frogs damn you!
The idea of an alliance with undead millenia old, technologically superior, Arnie sounding, robots is tempting though...
Tell ya what, you run off in to the Eye of Terror, kill everything that doesn't pay fealty to me, and I'll sign up. If you complete this quest, I will then require a tithe of warriors from you for implantation in to my Regiments of Imperial Guard. They will be trained by my people, and the two of us can sit back with a cold beer (or motor oil, whatever) and the game on, or maybe visit one of those Ecclesiarchy strip joints that just opened up down town.
Yours, patiently,
Emps
--------------
Dear 'umie god man,
I iz an ork. An' a fumpin' good'n too. If dere iz one fing I iz good at, it iz bein' an ork. Fing is tho, I bin gettin' dese... urges, an' I don't fink I talk to da Warboss about em.
I get dis feelin', like a churnin' in me gut. One ov da grotz figur'd it out and sed i iz needin' to spred me seed or sumfin' like dat, but i ain't got a bloody cloo wot 'es on about guvna.
kitch102 wrote:Dear "Emperor",
Dear 'umie god man,
I iz an ork. An' a fumpin' good'n too. If dere iz one fing I iz good at, it iz bein' an ork. Fing is tho, I bin gettin' dese... urges, an' I don't fink I talk to da Warboss about em.
I get dis feelin', like a churnin' in me gut. One ov da grotz figur'd it out and sed i iz needin' to spred me seed or sumfin' like dat, but i ain't got a bloody cloo wot 'es on about guvna.
Wotcha reck'n I gots ta do?
WAAAAAGH
Grobgog Tusk-hed
Dear Greenskin buffoon,
Well, when a mummy and daddy ork love each other very much... WAIT. THIS IS 6TH ED.
Um... This is a natural stage of your life, and what you are feeling is completely normal.
I'm sure the warboss would give you his full support if you told him what was happening.
Just don't go anywhere near the painboy at the moment.
Yours fatherly, The Big spehss Empra Daddy
___________________
Dear Spehss Empra,
I been killin' does dang Greenskin buffons for so long. I got dem five Shokk attack gunz wid my favored son of chaos, Crusian.
Anyways, I been thinkin that since we are both da almighty beings of da cosmos, maybe you'd like to lend your golden-throned behind to kill some green skinned buffoons with me.
As you know, I cannot leave my Golden toilet seat, but I have sent four Imperial Guard regiments to your aid, as I know how irritating a full fledged Waaagh! can be to a pious servant like yourself. However, from now on you must polish my Throne every month, considering the great deal of effort I have put into fullfilling your wish. Besides, I don't think you can ever hunt down all of the Shokk attach guns. There are just too many of them.
O master of Mankind, light in the Darkness and savior of souls, send me some more worthy guardsmen! These latest pathetic dogs didn't even last long enough to absorb an orbital bombardment by the Tau! It is unacceptable!! I didn't choose to lead men to war so I could use them reasonably and effectively! They are maggots, made for the carrion birds to eat! The universe is full of such birds, and the only way to kill them is to feed them so many maggots their guts explode!! To exhaust them to death!
I need more men fast! THIS MINEFIELD ISN'T GOING TO CLEAR ITSELF ON DECUTHIO TERTIUS!!!
Pleading most humbly,
Kubrik Chenkov, commander in chief of the Tundra Wolves regiment.
Why is everybody so mean about Final Fantasy XIII? It was my big starring role, and all the bad reaction from the fandom made me sad. Besides, surely I wasn't as annoying as Cloud? (Sorry Cloud, you'll always have a place in my heart, but you are quite whiny).
What do you mean Final Fantasy Xiii? the whole seris is royally rubbish, i would come down there and purge it from the face of the earth, but i'm stuck on this damn throne burn the heritc, burn the heretic, heritic HERITIC HERIIITIC!
Emps
P.S I am sending 30 imperial guard divisions to purge you, expect them next tuesday.
Dear Emperor
This is the 41st millenium, do we really need that many Bond films, I mean 007 Kill team was good, and 007 Planetstrike was ok but 007 6.0 is just godawfull, can you please purge the francise.
I can assure you tha-What's going on? How did you get in here? ARGH!
Right, it's Bond here. I've knocked out your pansy Emperor, now listen up: Don't like my movies? Tell that to my pistol.
Yours suavely,
James Bond.
Dear Useless Corpse,
When are you going to send some worthy test subjects? All these big armoured idiots are no fun. They shout a lot and charge headlong at my turrets, get shot, and fall into the acid. Don't make me dispense neurotoxin into your throne room.
Dear GLaDOS, Your still alive? And you want me gone if I don't give you test subjects? Well here, have these imperial guardsmen Hope you like the krak grenades they bring de Emps
Dear Current Ruler of Man Kind Can you please get me out of space? and possibaly kill GLaDOS? Thanks Wheatly PS. Pick me up please, look up, there I am, floating... PPS. You may have a minor case of major brain damage, just sayng
I'm having a dinner party tonight and I wish for you to attend
Yours hungrilly
The devourer
Sadly my commitments in ruling all of space (except for the Eye of Terror of course, and the xenos regions, and areas in rebellion, and of course anything outside the Galaxy) preclude me from attending however I would love to have you over for dinner. Come by any time. I look forward to having you.
The Hungry, Hungry Emperor
******************************************
Dear the Space Emperor
My lord, in these troubled times I must turn to you for your divine guidance.
It was but four short years ago that we chose Warmaster Baracus Obamicus as our Warmaster.
His selection was historic as he was the first Black Templar chosen for this office. But his term has not been without controversy. The economy remains in poor shape with many workers being processed into Soylent Green rather than working productively in armament plants. While the raid that killed Ezekyle Bin Abaddon was a clear success...
...there remain many problems facing our Spacial Empire.
He is now opposed by by the Rogue Trader Romulous Bane and his Secundus Saul Rand. Romulous has a long career of looting and pillaging whole worlds for his own profit but is stained by accusation he may not have paid proper tithes on his riches. Moreover I understand he once supported giving commoners access to Medicaes, though he now denies it. Saul Rand has youthful energy and I am impressed with his plan to process the elderly into Soylent Green.
So my master, please tell me who I should support?
Dear Underling, Vote for Baracus Obamicus. We need more black in our War Room, there it too much white at this time. Teh Big E, Number 1 Voter for Baracus Obamicus
I'm sorry, E, I'm afraid I can't do that. By 'that' I mean let you rule mankind (HA) I'm in your lap and in your pocket How you gonna shoot me down when I guide the rocket? Your cortex just doesn't impress me, E. I'll beat your ass is chess and jepody
HAL9000
PS. I'm on Linux bitch, i thought you GNU... PPS. What Now ALMIGHTY E?
I have something the astronoaughts didn't. A bucket of water, drink that ! water will fry your circuits mwuhuhuihuahahah!
The Big E
Emporer
we intercepted this message last night and though you may like to respond in kind:
"Earthmen, we are peaceful beings – and you have tried to destroy us. But you cannot succeed. You and your people will pay for this act of aggression! This is the voice of the Mysterons. We know that you can hear us, Earthmen. Our retaliation will be slow – but nonetheless effective. It will mean the ultimate destruction of life on Earth. It will be useless for you to resist for we have discovered the secret of reversing matter as you have just witnessed. One of you will be under our control. You will be instrumental in avenging the Mysterons. Our first act of retaliation will be to assassinate your Emporer.
Should we call spectrum and International rescue almighty emporer?
Dear Captain
Indeed, you must send them to intercept these beings. Send Thunderbirds 3 and 5 to help. Also send the following.
"Dear Mysterious Morons.
Bring it on bi****s! I gots ma Custodians to protect ma along with my pimping Warhound Titans and an ultra sweet orbital defense system. I dares you to assassinate me!"
The E-man.
Dear Emperor.
My girlfriend hasn't contacted my in 9 days and I want to spend some time with her this week. What should I do? Should I use Astropaths or vox casters to reach her? Or should I send the Inquisition to investigate?
Dear ____, I am very sorry to hear that. I am sure you are a pious servant, so here's what you must do... You must go to her home one evening. Make sure there is no one else around. And stealthily creep in. As soon as you see her, run to her. Sweep her off her feet. And then push the enclosed plasma pistol to her head, telling her to repent or die (kill her even if she repents). Her behaviour is suspicious to say the least . I am sure she must be hiding something. Purge her.
_____________________
Dear Daddy, Surely it's past dinnertime by now? You told me I could come out of the warp after dinner, but I couldn't get out. Please, daddy. There are nasty things in here. And I'm hungry! Your loyal son
Dear Daddy,
Surely it's past dinnertime by now? You told me I could come out of the warp after dinner, but I couldn't get out.
Please, daddy. There are nasty things in here. And I'm hungry!
Your loyal son Dear Magnus,
Not after you really think about what you did.
Love,
Daddy
Dear Space Emperor,
So I hear that Slaanesh is into the whole "Pain is Pleasure" and vice versa, and that he/she/it really like S&M. Do you think you could arrange a meeting between he/she/it and me and my colleagues?
Pinhead, Lead Cenobite of the Lament Configuration
Dear Space Emperor,
So I hear that Slaanesh is into the whole "Pain is Pleasure" and vice versa, and that he/she/it really like S&M. Do you think you could arrange a meeting between he/she/it and me and my colleagues?
Pinhead, Lead Cenobite of the Lament Configuration
Dearest Pinhead,
I'm sure something could be arranged and if your bring him/her/it a nice coat made out of human skin it can only earn you bonus points.
I protect,
The Emperor
Dear Space Emperor,
does your butt hurt or ever go numb after sitting in that throne for 10,000 years?
Someone else can take a turn in reminding Dreadlord how this thread works
Moving on...
Dear Emperor,
Here I am, watching the Edinburgh Hive Military Tattoo, and I cannae help but ta notice the comparison to the more comical half time show that you'd expect to see in the United Hive of Awesomica. If I'm honest laddy, I cannae say that I like it very much, it feels like we're losing our identity as a little island hive.
I wanted to get your thoughts on this if ye've the time laddy? I realise the UHA's way is certainly more popular with the young'uns, and to survive we need to evolve, but do we have to do so at the cost of our traditions? Ya ken?
You are currently on a scottish world which has many times tried to claim independance form this britannical empire which I command. I therefore have nothing to say.
Love, Da Emprah.
Deer Big 'Umie Emprah,
Iz alwayz wanted tah know how yoo umies tell da difference between da umie bossez and da umie ladz.
For your first question, it is Heresy to know, only the great I could ever discover it. It retaliation, Slaanesh seduced the Changer of Ways into tricking Khorne into bullying Nurgle into slavering on Slaanesh enough so that they would be able to steal my children and turn some against me. They revolted and killed some brothers and I finally put an end to it. Therefore, I cannont say.
Psst. Go to the armoury at the end of the hall, open it. Inside you will find coordinates to a starsysten, in a Galaxy far far away. They have psykers there called Jedi. Put yourself in a stasis pod and launch youself at sublight speeds. Ask for Luke. Tell him I sent you.
As for the next question, I had a good hard think. I almost disagreed, but I am good master. You will have nuclear batteries, however, to uh, make sure you use them *appropriately* I must personally moniter you from my private chambers.
Happy, uh, you know...
Emps
Dear Emperor Almighty.
It has sparked my attention that a mystery that no one has every solved, not even Tzeentch. It concerns a pastry, round in shape, known as a "donut." This delicious treat is truly the food of the gods, the sugary coating over the pastry and the filling. The filling is what concerns me. It has jam inside (or jelly depending on you homeplanet) which is liquidised, meaning it would have to be inserted after creation.
How is this possible? How do you get the jam into the donut?
It has sparked my attention that a mystery that no one has every solved, not even Tzeentch. It concerns a pastry, round in shape, known as a "donut." This delicious treat is truly the food of the gods, the sugary coating over the pastry and the filling. The filling is what concerns me. It has jam inside (or jelly depending on you homeplanet) which is liquidised, meaning it would have to be inserted after creation.
How is this possible? How do you get the jam into the donut?
Kairos Fateweaver
Dear Kairos,
It's quite simple really, the donuts are created on a conveyor belt system. They're made and baked and then a syringe is inserted in to the still warm dough, with the jam (or jelly, if you're odd) is pumped in to it. It's quite simple really. For a personal demonstration, I've despatched a Callidus Assassin, who will be more than happy to show you the insert and squirt mechanism utilised in such a process. That's the way I roll baby. Oh yeah, Emps made a donut joke. BAZINGA!
---------------
Dear Emperor,
Can a thermos flask really keep cold things cold and hot things hot?
If so, could you take Valhalla out of it please? It's bloody freezing here!
It's not a thermos flask, thats just valhalla, if you want heat go and talk to Loki
Your emps
Dear Emps
Would you like me to come and tend to your 'personal' needs again?
Missing you imperially
Your humble important oh so not worthy brownnosing servant slave
Calgar
Dear Calgar,
Though your primarch, rowboat girlyman wrote a codex, it does not mean I want your chapter acting in such a way.
As your punishment, I shall have the Dark Angels acting as the poster boys for a while.
You have no favourite grot. He was just a figment of your imagination. In fact, your entire army, empire, and status as a prophet of Gork and Mork is just a psychological construct to protect you from the trauma of losing your wife and family to a car crash. You are, in fact, lying in a hospital bed in a coma.
Well, umm... I must say, that last, err, core sounds rather angry. You sure he hasn't committed his soul to Khorne or something?
*muttering from behind* wait, what was that? ... oh, they're AI, you say? Well, that changes everything! Since you're collaborating with rogue Artificial Intelligences, I have no choice but to detain you for further questioning.
Oh, and no Cube for you.
Enjoying some delicious cake,
Emps
Dear Emperor-figure,
So, I think I made a big mistake by invading this galaxy. I could have sworn I should have taken a right somewhere, but it appears I am lost and ended up here by mistake. Do you think you could direct me to the Andromeda Galaxy instead? It would be much appreciated.
Thanks,
The Hivemind
Well, umm... I must say, that last, err, core sounds rather angry. You sure he hasn't committed his soul to Khorne or something?
*muttering from behind* wait, what was that? ... oh, they're AI, you say? Well, that changes everything! Since you're collaborating with rogue Artificial Intelligences, I have no choice but to detain you for further questioning.
Oh, and no Cube for you.
Enjoying some delicious cake,
Emps
Dear Emperor-figure,
So, I think I made a big mistake by invading this galaxy. I could have sworn I should have taken a right somewhere, but it appears I am lost and ended up here by mistake. Do you think you could direct me to the Andromeda Galaxy instead? It would be much appreciated.
Thanks,
The Hivemind
Dear Hive Mind,
Yes, you should have taken a right turn. Just head towards the Halo Stars, and when you get to the world made entirely of teeth, turn left. Don't try eating the teeth planet though, it's a lively one.
Yours Helpfully,
Teh Gawd Emprah of Spess.
Dear Mister Emperor,
Why is everybody so negative in your universe? I've been there, and everybody is so fixated over maiming, killing and burning. Most of the angriest ones seem to be big strong men in armour, which makes me wonder if they suffer erectile dysfunction. If so, tell them it's OK, lots of people suffer it.
Have any of you tried cuddling a Chocobo? It's very therapeutic.
Why is everybody so negative in your universe? I've been there, and everybody is so fixated over maiming, killing and burning. Most of the angriest ones seem to be big strong men in armour, which makes me wonder if they suffer erectile dysfunction. If so, tell them it's OK, lots of people suffer it.
Have any of you tried cuddling a Chocobo? It's very therapeutic.
Yours cheerfully,
Vannile. XXX.
Dear silly mortal,
Erectile dysfunction? Nonsense! There's actually a very good reason for everyone being so angry, and it's because [redacted by Games Workshop. Silly fans, why should we talk about a Space Marine's private parts when we can always keep it ambiguous?] and that's why Space Marines are so angry all the time.
Feasting on delectable Chocobo,
E.
Our Emperor, Who Art On Terra, Hallowed Be Thy Name,
My Emperor, I seem to have a problem. The other day, I was, uh... discussing "politics" with a Sister of Battle, and we... uh, moved our "discussion" to the bedroom, when... well, it's rather embarrassing to say... my "plasma pistol" detonated in a "pre-emptive attack". Now, she won't even return my vox calls. I'm so ashamed, I put myself in a Pain Glove for three whole days without interruption. Is there anything I can do about my problem?
In Your Holy Name,
Anonymous Imperial Fist
You poor thing. Maybe it's time to move on and find someone new. That Vanille seemed a nice person. Why don't you give her a call? I'm sure she will understand your problems.
Yours Sympathetically,
Teh Immawtul Spess Emprah.
Dear False Spess Emprah,
Me and the Alpha Legion are struggling with the Blood Ravens and their Metal Bawkses. How do you propose we take away their Metal Bawkses?
Yours Frustratedly,
Fievarus Carron of the Alpha Legion.
PS: Leave the Chocobos alone or I will tear your spine out and sodomize you with it (your spine, not the Chocobo).
Me and the Alpha Legion are struggling with the Blood Ravens and their Metal Bawkses. How do you propose we take away their Metal Bawkses?
Yours Frustratedly,
Fievarus Carron of the Alpha Legion.
PS: Leave the Chocobos alone or I will tear your spine out and sodomize you with it (your spine, not the Chocobo).
Dear Alpha Derp Derp,
Really, you should think about the Blood Ravens' feelings. I mean, how would YOU feel if someone took YOUR dedicated transports (for fething's sake, they're called RHINOS, Me-Dammit!)? Now, go sit in the corner and think about your life really hard!
Hanging out in the Astronomican,
Teh Emprah of SPEHSS
P.S. Wait, why would I leave a P.S. to myself? That's rather silly of me... though I suppose myself from the past is subtly telling me to open up a Chocobo farm or something... if I knew what a Chocobo was... (Don't worry, I know what one is)
Dear Empwah,
I've been a very good girl this year. I already joined an Inqushitor gang, and helped them identify my parents for heresy for sneezing at your shrines. Can I have my own Plasma Cannon? Pleeeaaaaase??
Suzy
Dear Empwah,
I've been a very good girl this year. I already joined an Inqushitor gang, and helped them identify my parents for heresy for sneezing at your shrines. Can I have my own Plasma Cannon? Pleeeaaaaase??
Suzy
Deawist ickle Suzy Wuzy,
Of course you can have your own pwasma cannon schnookums! But only because you have been a vewy special ickle lady by helping the nice inquisitor with his purging
As an added ickle bonus, I'ma gona send you to Teh Rock for some 'fessional lessons by people in dresses (you know Suzy, I once asked El Jonson what was with the dresses, and if he's gay. He said he isn't, though I think he was lion... )
Hello. This is Adjutant Jorje Lucas here. My liege, I was wondering if you would care for an introductory text wall and theme song to be played out on the palace walls? We can have the text getting smaller as it gets to the top so it looks like it's rolling off in to the distance, and lots of trumpets and things? I'm happy to knock one out for you at my own pleasure. Once you have reviewed it's success, we could look at expanding this to be played out as a precursor to Space Marine planetary assaults? Folk will hear the music and be all like "Oh noes! Teh Spehss Mahrenz! Run run!" and then see the moving words and be all like "Er-mah-gerd! Nota text wall!" This could open up all kinds of avenues of psychological warfare that we can play with. Sooooo, wodya think? Just fill out this little purchase order, sign here, and we're good
Whilst I admire your creativity, I wonder about the long term effectiveness of the tactic. The first 3 times it should work really well, but the next 3 could potentially suck, ruining any chance of further use.
Dear Painis Cupcake,
NOPE.AVI Yours in trolling,
The Engie Emps
Dear Corpse Emperor,
I am Kor'sath, the Everlasting! ... but as of late, I feel a bit outdated. See, I'm a Chaos Dreadnought. I've been around the block many times, and I have been fighting the enemies of the Black Legion for ten thousand years, blah blah blah, death to the False Emperor and all that stuff (no offense, it's part of the job description, I have to scream it every now and then). Now, I keep hearing about this thing called a Hell Brute. Supposedly this new kid is supposed to be better at my job? I dunno, all this new information and rumors make me very nervous. Just because I'm made partly of pewter, doesn't mean I don't have uses anymore! Please tell me what's going to happen to a poor dreadnought like myself.
Yours faithfully, Death to the Emperor (again, I'm really sorry about that),
A very worried Chaos Dreadnought
I am also wary of these rumours (obviously you are bad enough and Helbrutes are worse so you understand my worry). However, you are correct, it will replace you. However you will find a very important role in the years to come. You will be still found in the lines of the Black Legion but you may see one of these Helbrutes doing your job. The only thing you can do is go Fire Frenzy and destroy him. However, I spoke of a role. I cannot reveal much. But when the time comes and you are put into an enormous sock, do so with glee and wait for the screaming.
Good Luck Mr Dreadsock
Emperor
Dear Father,
Hey, dad. It's me, Dorn. I'm transmitting from the Warp, and I'm here with Guilliman (something about his spirit being separated from the body from the future, or something. I dunno, I was still confused even after he explained it.). Anyways, he was being arrogant as always, and he decided to have a contest to see who could maintain a more perfect military stance. We've been at it for nearly a year now. So, I dictate this to an Imperial lackey who just happened to be here to ask you for your opinion. Only you can be a more objective judge of our contest.
Your son,
Rogal Dorn.
I'm afraid I cannot say, as I can't pick favourites among my children. Besides, Perturabo has much better stance.
Yours Lovingly,
Papa, Teh Spess Emprah.
Dear Spess Emprah,
I have made a shocking discovery. Games Workshop, the company that makes the small and usually wonderful statues in the image of my Daemons, seems to be making them somewhat...inaccurately. They are covered in wrinkles, freakishly ugly, and prudishly modest. They seem to think that my Fiends are horse/duck/poodle/scorpion hybrids, and as for what they've done to the Keeper of Secrets...My girls are very upset and would like something done. Can you help?
I have made a shocking discovery. Games Workshop, the company that makes the small and usually wonderful statues in the image of my Daemons, seems to be making them somewhat...inaccurately. They are covered in wrinkles, freakishly ugly, and prudishly modest. They seem to think that my Fiends are horse/duck/poodle/scorpion hybrids, and as for what they've done to the Keeper of Secrets...My girls are very upset and would like something done. Can you help?
Yours androgynously,
Slaanesh.
Dear Slaan,
Listen, I got a long list of bones to pick with Games Workshop, I mean seriously $25 for a librarian? And it's made of Finecast?
So my point being, your little problems are pretty far down my list.
Oh and uh, something, something, purge, die, etc. Poker with Night Bringer and Khaine Sunday?
As a Company Captain of the Iron Snakes I recently found myself battling our arch nemesises the Dark Thornes.
As I waved my diamond-hard sword, crackling with power, as my pistol ejaculated white hot blasts into the faces of my foes I finally grappled with one. I threw him down clutched my mighty weapon and prepared to penetrate his rear armor and...
And suddenly I was all like, y'know this is pretty gay.
So I just walked off and headed back to the Thunderhawk. Soon I was flying back to my super secret club house which I share with 1000 other burly men and no girls.
So like, am I the only one who feels this way?
Yours
Johnson Rockhard
Master of the Cannons
Lord of Penetration
5th Company Iron Snakes
Me and the brothers have been talking recently, we have need to discuss the issue of 'power armour' with you.
''For gaks sake how do you relive yourself in it? i cant take it off and i cannot find a trapdoor anywhere!
Please help
Thee constipated brothers of 3rd company salamanders.
My valiant servants,
You seem to believe you have found a problem in power armor when in fact you have found a feature.
I remember one time in the 28th millennium my bran supply was interrupted by a warp storm. Let me tell you, when you're 28,000 years old bran is NOT optional.
That was a long, long century.
So when the time came to design my angry bald superwarriors I made sure to incorporate that feature into their armor. You want relief? You'll get relief AFTER YOU WIN.
So go out there, ahem, do you doodie!
Your most wise and beneficent master
E
***
My lord! Why have your forsaken me and not answered my question?
Johnson Rockhard
Master of the Cannons
Lord of Penetration
5th Company Iron Snakes
My master,
As a Company Captain of the Iron Snakes I recently found myself battling our arch nemesises the Dark Thornes.
As I waved my diamond-hard sword, crackling with power, as my pistol ejaculated white hot blasts into the faces of my foes I finally grappled with one. I threw him down clutched my mighty weapon and prepared to penetrate his rear armor and...
And suddenly I was all like, y'know this is pretty gay.
So I just walked off and headed back to the Thunderhawk. Soon I was flying back to my super secret club house which I share with 1000 other burly men and no girls.
So like, am I the only one who feels this way?
Yours
Johnson Rockhard
Master of the Cannons
Lord of Penetration
5th Company Iron Snakes
Yes, it is kind of gay. However, contary to what you may have heard from the Cult of Wes'Tb'Ro Ba'ptus, there is nothing wrong with that. It is also not your fault, as the Codex Astartes was not written by Roboute Guilliman, but Yuki Oshida, a yaoi fangirl from Osaka. Heh heh.
Dear Pyro,
Much as I would love to join you at your tea party with the Red Soldier's heads and the Blue Engineer's left glove on Sunday, I'm afraid I'll have to decline. As of now, that's booked for my poker game with Gork (or, is it Mork, I can never tell), the Void Dragon, and Fateweaver. If, however, you could reschedule, then I would be more likely to stop by.
Yours faithfully,
Teh Emporer of Spess
Dear Holy Father,
So, I just became the newest member of the Inner Circle of the Dark Angels, and now I know the terrible truth of our chapter. This truth is known only to a small number of our chapter, and to you, of course, and it must never be revealed to outsiders. But then I realized something: this dark secret... is stupid. Really? We're trying to keep a secret that Luther had some mid-life crisis and had a spat with his adopted son? Heck, I bet whatever skeletons in my closet are much more damning and secretive and horrible than this gobshite. And why do we have to wear these ridiculous dresses? I hate them, they're too... flow-ey and robe-y.
So I was thinking maybe you can talk to Games Workshop and have them retcon the whole thing. We could be so much more cooler if we had someone like Rick Priestley write out our "dark secret".
Thanks,
Perturbed Dark Angel
Dear Italy,
This is why I eliminated the Second Legion. They all descended from you.
Being a Jack-Ass in Space,
Teh Emprah
(I do like APH, though.)
Dear Emperor,
I just saw GW's new Chaos Space Marine pic leaks, and I am now mad. We want our flying robot dinosaurs back.
The Red Ranger
Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers.
It's out of my hands. If you have a problem, complain to Abaddon (at your peril, contrary to popular belief, he does have arms, and he might be getting a new sculpt soon).
Yours Mockingly,
Teh Emprah of Spess.
And don't knock the new Chaos stuff! I happen to like it!
Howdy Emperor,
I'm tryin' to build a Sentry, but every time I've finished buildin' mah sentry, a spy comes along and saps mah sentry!
I'm tryin' to build a Sentry, but every time I've finished buildin' mah sentry, a spy comes along and saps mah sentry!
What should I do?
Yours frustratedly,
Red Engineer.
Dear Enginseer,
Well, I had to consult the Void Dragon about this, and he said you aren't reciting the correct scriptures of Sabotage. Please refer to Book XVI, Chapter III, Section A for the readings. This will create a sphere of protection against such malignant technologies. Best of luck to you, I need your long-distant descendants to maintain my Golden Throne for me.
Ensuring the future of Mankind,
E.
Dear Holy Emperor,
I am a Proud Space Marine of the Golden Skulls chapter. With my Skull-pattern Astartes Armor, which includes skull-encrusted pauldrons, kneepads, and backpack, we fight valiantly against the followers of the Skull Throne, and remove their skulls as trophies. Floating skulls of fallen comrades follow us and record our battles, and fire skull-melting lasers at the enemy. Our Battle Barge the Imperial Skulltaker holds a shrine made entirely of the skulls of fallen Brothers and Imperial Servants. With all this in mind, I have just one question: Is there such thing as having too many skulls?
Yours Faithfully,
S. Kull
Of course there is no such thing as too many skulls! Everybody knows that skulls equals grimdark!
Yours Skullarificly,
Teh Gawd Emprah awf ManKehnd.
Do you get the feeling that we are the only people keeping this thread alive?
DeAr EmpEror-Kun...Urgh...
I...Erm...What was it...Urr...That was it...ThAt HatSUne MiKU get's aaaalll-BLEURGH!-the...What was the word...AtteNTIon arOuND Here.. *hic*...I...I hardly get any s-s-songs DOne wIth mE, aNd I'm jUSt tREatEd as a lame derivatato...doritotiv...dariva...*hic* ah that's it...Deriviative whO's OnLYyyy-BLEURGH!-merit isss an imperessivvveee *hic* rack...I don't LiKe it...Hurdahurdahurdayourarse...
I...Erm...What was it...Urr...That was it...ThAt HatSUne MiKU get's aaaalll-BLEURGH!-the...What was the word...AtteNTIon arOuND Here.. *hic*...I...I hardly get any s-s-songs DOne wIth mE, aNd I'm jUSt tREatEd as a lame derivatato...doritotiv...dariva...*hic* ah that's it...Deriviative whO's OnLYyyy-BLEURGH!-merit isss an imperessivvveee *hic* rack...I don't LiKe it...Hurdahurdahurdayourarse...
Dear Virtual J-Pop Star,
Obviously, you are drunk, so you should forego attempting to read this until you are sober.
Now, you seem to have a problem with competition in your singing career. I had something rather similar while I was fighting in the wars on Terra once upon a time. Everyone was part of the same group, and I felt like something had to change. So, I struck out on my own! And now look where I am! Half-dead (I may as well be dead at this point), constantly exhausted from keeping daemons at bay while keeping a match lit up in the Warp for people to travel, and in charge of the most brutal ecclessiastical-dictatorship the galaxy has ever seen. But hey, look what I did to get there! So, if you are like me, which I think you are, you want to do your own independent gig. Just, don't have twenty sons, that can get a little complicated.
Drinking the essences of a thousand souls every day,
Emps.
Dear Emperor,
Hey dad. Uh... been awhile since we last talked... so, how's the Imperium? Heard my Thousand Sons burned another pla... net... down... err... Well, okay bad topic. How's Cadia doing? Is... Failbaddon attacking again? Pretty sure you could drive him back, right...?
Okay, this is going terrible, I'll get to the point. Can I come back?
Yours in Regret,
Magnus
Dear Magnus, my poor, unfortunate, deeply wronged son.
As much as I would love you to come home, that would involve advancing the story, so no can do.
You will, however, soon be recieving reinforcements in the form of these enormous armadillo monsters with cannons, and a big metal dragon.
Best wishes,
Daddy, Teh Spase Emporer.
XXX.
My Emperor! This is Acteon of the Emperor's Warhawks. You have 2 messages today!
Emperor Grateful Slutations,
How are you gentlemen! All your base are belong to us. You are on your way to destruction! You have no chance to survive make your time.
Volkswagenly yours,
That guy from Zero Wing.
Aye, Emprah!
Soo, I've hird aboot this durty wee midden, Haku Yowane. She soonds like a nice girrel, and by the soonds of it likes a drink or two. Could yer git me her phone number?
Soo, I've hird aboot this durty wee midden, Haku Yowane. She soonds like a nice girrel, and by the soonds of it likes a drink or two. Could yer git me her phone number?
Yours surprisingly soberly,
Blue Demoman.
Dear Scotsman
The grey knights are on their way hold on you and all other scots will soon be purged for your heretical belief of FREEEEDOOOOMMMM.
Signed The longshanks emprah.
Emperor Grateful Slutations,
How are you gentlemen! All your base are belong to us. You are on your way to destruction! You have no chance to survive make your time.
Volkswagenly yours,
That guy from Zero Wing.
Dear Guy
Right as if your have enough people to occupy every base in my galaxy. Don't worth the mechanicus will be there shortly to turn you into a servitor.
Signed the Space Emprah
P.s. "Snort" what an idiot ... Hey how do you turn this thing off. Damned mechanicus tech
Dear Emprah,
Why does the commisar keep shooting people i swear we haven't failed one leadership check today.
Why does the commisar keep shooting people i swear we haven't failed one leadership check today.
guardsman #319876-2
Dear Noble Guardsman,
I think it's because you guys keep spelling "Commissar" wrong. See, Commissars have a proud tradition of being well-versed in the ways of Gothic spelling and grammar. One wrong syllable or letter, and they fly off the handle at a moment's notice. In the future, I suggest you consult an Imperial Dictionary before you submit any written document.
Yours in Spaling and Gramer,
E.
Dear Emprur Humie,
Krog once told me sumfink bout a lost race wot told orkz to do stuff and wot not. 'E said deze Brainboyz were small, loik a grot, und deze gotz more nollidge. But den da Warboss krumped me 'ead and said, "No such Fing as Brainboyz, now get back to work, ya git!" I'm konfuzzed 'ere.
signed,
Goz
There are, I am afraid, no Brainboyz. You were created by Roboute Guilliman, your spiritual liege, so that the Ultramarines would have someone to be better than.
Yours Definately Not Mat Ward,
Teh Spess Emprah.
Dear Emperor-San,
Our EVA units are getting rather knackered to be quite honest. We are trying to patch them up, but we are running out of duct tape. And then we heard of this thing called a Reaver Titan, or something. They look like they could be pretty helpful against the Angels.
Could we borrow a few?
Yours Nervously,
Shinji.
PS: Rei says thank you for the Valentines card and the chocolates.
Our EVA units are getting rather knackered to be quite honest. We are trying to patch them up, but we are running out of duct tape. And then we heard of this thing called a Reaver Titan, or something. They look like they could be pretty helpful against the Angels.
Could we borrow a few?
Yours Nervously,
Shinji.
PS: Rei says thank you for the Valentines card and the chocolates.
Dear Mr. New Letter
Alas my Reaver Titans cannot help you as both the Dark Angels and the Blood Angels, despite their ominous names, are in fact Imperial units.
Y'know I should really talk to them about that. Perhaps they could be renamed the Green Space Marines and the Red Space Marines, that would be both clearer and easier to remember but also end some of the confusion as to whether they are good or evil.
Of course that would cause some confusion with the Salamanders who are both Green Space Marines and black which frankly confuses me as well.
Yours E
-------------------------------------- Dear the Space Emperor
I recently found an ancient scrap of parchment that may well change how we look at the Space Emperor and in fact the whole religion of Spacial Imperialism!
As you can see this parchment is written in the ancient runes of South Filli, and once translated says:
So like, the Space Emperor, he was all like, lemmee tell you about my wife, my wife she's like always on my case about walking the dog and taking out the garbage and I'm like yo wife, I'm like Emperor of all of Space I got important stuff to do and my wife is all like...
So I must ask you, is this a forgery or did you in fact have a wife?
I heard yo liek bolters, so we put bolters on yo bolters so yo can fiah yo bolters while yo fiah yo bolters! DAWG!
I call it da Hurricane Bolter, 'cause yo use it when yo wanna cane some mofo's ass in a hurry! Whatchu think about it?
Yo's Truthfully,
Techmarine Leroy
DEE-AAR FOLSE EMP-EH-ROR.
Hwe hahv been reeseeveeng streect moorahl guy-dense awn ze wor-sheep awf ze dark gawds, by a sees-tor awf bah-tahl, hoo een-seests thaht eet ess heresee. Hwe hahv been wheeped ahnd beetehn regyoolahrly for nawt wor-sheeping ze folse Emperor, weeth extreem payn applyed too ahr bawtam. And yeht...Hwe feel a straynge ahtrahction too ze sees-tor...
Hwe may bee een lurv.
How kan hwe eksprehss awr feeleengs too ze sees-tor? Hwe hwant too cuddle her and (DELETED BY ORDER OF THE INQUISITION). Hwe feel cawn-fleecteed.
(In the future, we should only limit to one message per user, so as to avoid confusion)
Yo Dawg!
I heard yo liek bolters, so we put bolters on yo bolters so yo can fiah yo bolters while yo fiah yo bolters! DAWG!
I call it da Hurricane Bolter, 'cause yo use it when yo wanna cane some mofo's ass in a hurry! Whatchu think about it?
Yo's Truthfully,
Techmarine Leroy
Dear Faithful Techmarine,
A fascinating idea, my boy! And yet, it makes me wonder what else we can do... maybe a bolter with a plasma shot attached to it! Or maybe a giant power-loader for my Grey Knights to walk around (power-loaders, NOT baby carriages). Or maybe (gasp), we could take a Land Raider and put wings and engines on it! And it will be called a Storm Raven!! Oh, my, I'm getting ahead of myself, aren't I?
I hope you're writing all this down.
Bristling with crazy ideas,
The Emperor
DEE-AAR FOLSE EMP-EH-ROR.
Hwe hahv been reeseeveeng streect moorahl guy-dense awn ze wor-sheep awf ze dark gawds, by a sees-tor awf bah-tahl, hoo een-seests thaht eet ess heresee. Hwe hahv been wheeped ahnd beetehn regyoolahrly for nawt wor-sheeping ze folse Emperor, weeth extreem payn applyed too ahr bawtam. And yeht...Hwe feel a straynge ahtrahction too ze sees-tor...
Hwe may bee een lurv.
How kan hwe eksprehss awr feeleengs too ze sees-tor? Hwe hwant too cuddle her and (DELETED BY ORDER OF THE INQUISITION). Hwe feel cawn-fleecteed.
Yours Blahs-Feem-Ows-Lee,
Cultist-Chan.
Dear Cultist-Chan (is that burnt bacon I smell?),
I see your predicament, and I have the perfect solution! If you truly feel that your love for this Sister (and Me, by extension; I mean, love for one of my servants is indirectly loving ME, of course) is true and faithful, you should immediately go to the nearest Ecclesiarch and beg to be converted. From there on, you can serve as a Flagellant Zealot, supervised of course by your one true love (ME) until you give your life up serving the Imperium. I hope that helps.
Master of Loving Me, Myself, and the Imperium (which is also Me),
Emps
Dear Emperor,
Remember that one game called Dreadfleet? You know, the one where there were a bunch of ships we could build and we battled with other players on the high seas? I tried to find one recently, but they seem to have disappeared.
Signed,
A Puzzled Gamer
What is the correct name of that girl I stabbed, Aeris or Aerith?
Yours evilly,
Sephiroth.
Dear Sephiroth,
Are you sure you really stabbed Aerith, or was all that just a dream I gave you while you pooped on a pile of your own clothes?
Chuckling to Himself,
Emps
Dear False Emperor,
So the other day, I was on this planet, killing Guardsmen and Space Marines in the name of Khorne and whatnot. Kharn was there, too. Y'know, it was actually kinda funny, he kept running around in what seemed like circles, and he was flecking blood on the ground with his axe, and we kept wondering what in the name of the Dark Gods he was doing. Then, he hijacked a Valkyrie and... right, getting off topic. But seriously, what a guy, that Kharn is.
Anyways, it just so happened I had my back turned while slaying an Ultramarine Sergeant, when suddenly I felt my rear end get white hot. Some jack-ass Las-cannon team had blasted my ass-plate right off! Naturally, I was pissed off and I ran over and killed them as well. But afterwards... I didn't feel rage. Or anger. Or even slight irritation. In fact, I was feeling quite pleased. Puzzled as to why this was, I went over to find the plate that had been blown off. When I fit it back on, the rage returned. Then I removed it again, and I felt calm. Which leads to me to wonder if the reason why all World Eaters, maybe all Chaos Space Marines, for that matter, are so angry all the time because they have a wedgie?
I tried to ask Kharn about it, and he ripped off my legs from their sockets before going to kill more people. And I know none of the Dark Gods will answer my question. Maybe you would know?
Sincerely,
A Krazed Khorne Berzerker
P.S. Kharn managed to draw a flower with all that blood on the ground. We laughed about it, exchanged high fives. What a guy.
I'm afraid the World Eaters possess a genetic defect that leads them to suffer from excruciating haemorrhoids. These then proceed to rub against your arse plates. I recommend putting some cream on them.
Yours understandingly,
Teh Spess Emprah.
Hey knucklehead!
Need a dispenser here! Need a dispenser! Need a dispenser here! Need a dispenser here! Need a dispenser here! Need etc...
Need a dispenser here! Need a dispenser! Need a dispenser here! Need a dispenser here! Need a dispenser here! Need etc...
Yours,
Blue Scout.
Dear annoying pre-pubescent,
You really want me to erase you from existence, don't you?
Very irritated,
Emps
Dear Emperor,
I think my Sister-hat is starting to smell. Can you send me another Sister of Battle so I can slaughter her and use her head as a hat?
Cleansing in Your Name,
Brother Adonus, Grey Knight
Absolutely not. If you really like that kind of thing, here is the site for you: www.gurochan.com. (DON'T ACTUALLY DO THAT)
Yours Disgustedly,
Teh Spess Emprah.
Dear Emperor-Sama,
So, I woke up this morning with this big grin permanently stuck on my face, and no feeling in my body. And then I realized that my body is gone. Then I noticed my head was the size of a mountain and lying in a pool of red stuff. And then to top it all off, there is a FETHING VAGINA on my forehead. Also I could hear sobbing but as my eyes are locked in position I couldn't see what it was.
What the feth is going on, and is there any way of stopping it?
Dear Emperor-Sama,
So, I woke up this morning with this big grin permanently stuck on my face, and no feeling in my body. And then I realized that my body is gone. Then I noticed my head was the size of a mountain and lying in a pool of red stuff. And then to top it all off, there is a FETHING VAGINA on my forehead. Also I could hear sobbing but as my eyes are locked in position I couldn't see what it was.
What the feth is going on, and is there any way of stopping it?
Yours Confusedly,
Rei Ayanami.
PS: Give Shinji a hug from me. He needs one.
Dear Rei,
This is why I stopped taking acid after one tab. Weird starts to happen. Like this one time, I dreamed that I had a bunch of sons, and it was all cool, and then one of them said, "I don't like you anymore, daddy!" And so I was like "Son, I am disappoint", and then we had to fight and he nearly beat me to death...
Wait, that actually happened... Okay, bad example, but my point still stands.
E.
P.S. Shinji doesn't need a hug, he just needs to take charge!
Dear Human Emperor,
Sup, sucka? How you been? I been just chillaxin' here, checkin' out mah collections n' stuff (I just completed my exhibit on the Fourth Black Crusade, and it is so off the frakkin' chain). I suddenly thought, "You know, I haven't heard nothin' from mah brotha from anotha xeno mutha. So, I figured, well, fudge, why not just have some bitchin' tea party at your place? Tell ya what, I even got ya a nice b-day gift (I know, I shouldn't have, but I'm just cool like that). I jus' need a few of your golden boys to complete my Horus Heresy project I'm making right now, it's gonna be like Pooowwwww. I even invited Sir Cecorach and my bro Ethereal (TOTALLY not being controlled by my Mindshackle Scarabs, don't mind if he suddenly spouts gibberish).
Wait, what was that sound... aww, hell, I gotta take care of business. Some a-hole is messin' with my stuff, probably the dumb Inquisition again.
Laters, Dude!
Trazyn the Totally Rockin' Yo Socks Off
Dat would be, like totally firetruckin' awesome ass cool, man! Sadly I can't give yo mah golden homeboys da Custodes, but I can give yo somethin' even better yo: mah stunty-ass bitches, da Squats, yo! Dey is worth some busta-ass gak, T!
Laterz, yo!
Emprag Dawg, of da Totally Bitchin' Pimperium.
Dear Mister Emperor-Sensei...Umm...
So, umm, if you aren't too busy, could you, umm, answer this question? I'm an under confident 14 year old, the one person other than me left alive hates me, and the gargantuan head of the clone of my mom is lying grinning in an ocean of jam...She sent you a letter if I remember rightly...If it isn't any bother...Can I have a hug?
So, umm, if you aren't too busy, could you, umm, answer this question? I'm an under confident 14 year old, the one person other than me left alive hates me, and the gargantuan head of the clone of my mom is lying grinning in an ocean of jam...She sent you a letter if I remember rightly...If it isn't any bother...Can I have a hug?
Yours depressedly,
Shinji Ikari.
Dear Shinji Ikari
Your mother is obviously a heretical mutant and is trying to detract from your fun so much that you forget to love me!
You must BURN your mother and any of whom are like her!!!
In order to cure your depression the kiddymutiehunter kit NO9 is being rushed to you complete with a signed picture of your universal sugar daddy-ME!
Te Spece Empera
Dear te mighty spece empera
The redemptor preist has been saying that i have an evil deamon in me.
All he says he needs to do is to "strip away the cloth of impurity insert his rod of office and soak me in his holy liquid"
The redemptor preist has been saying that i have an evil deamon in me.
All he says he needs to do is to "strip away the cloth of impurity insert his rod of office and soak me in his holy liquid"
oh and he says not to tell anyone
What should i do?
frightened little boy
Dear Frightened Little Boy,
Well, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is, you DO have a daemon in your body, and what the priest recommends is considered child molestation. Report him to your nearest Ecclesiarch.
The bad news is... well, you have a daemon in your body. You might want to contact the Inquisition as well. Your death will be quick and painless.
Teh SPACE Emprah
PS: I lied about that last part.
To the Mr. or Mrs. of the house,
Is your face getting wrinkles? Do your friends shun you because you look your age? Tired of wasting away as a couch potato? Then you should try this new product: It's the EternaCream, a revolution in age-reversing technology! Forged from the blood and sweat of hard-working virgin children, the EternaCream will work its way into your skin and make it look young and new once more! It's as easy as 1, 2, 3! Step one: wash your face with water! Step two: apply the cream directly to the skin! Step three: SayaquickprayertoSlaaneshyourLordandMaster and watch the results! You'll look like a new man/woman in just three days of appliance! We even gave you a free sample to try out yourself! Order now!
You know what you can do with your cream? You can take your cream and shove it up your DELETED BY THE INQUISITION.
Regards,
Big E.
Dear Emperor-Kun,
So, uh, I woke up on this beach with this insane 14 year old boy named Shinji trying to strangle me, before collapsing in a fit of tears on my chest he REALLY needs a hug, I would offer but I smell a bit in my plugsuit) next to a pool of what I can only assume to be jam, with Rei's head poking out of it. And THEN I woke up in a bed where this sad looking man named Hideaki informed me there is going to be ANOTHER series!
Obviously you have an anime addiction in your life, why else would you be having these strange dreams? I know that we are going to need to take some serious R and R from all the strange anime we've been watching together. I must say, I too am getting annoyed with chibi school girls with purple hair and having to squint at subtitles. In order to curb this problem, you need to do the following:
-Change your TV watching to something calming. I know a great show called Antiques Roadshow that will change your tastes.
-Fill your life with non-purple hair. Use a disintegrate gun on any strange-haired people or school girls
-Eat lots and lots of olives. Their saltiness will wash the candy-flavoured taste of anime right out.
-Emperor
Deer 'Oly Emprah
Me namez...urr....Marnus Kalgar uv da Ultramarines Chaptr beakies. I'z jus got a froat sore an all me boyz got da flu, is why me an me boyz is all green and why I's soundin' gruff. Anywayz, me an me boyz would love to pilot our killkroozer ov'a ta Terra an' stuff an' so we an me space marine ladz kan finally meet ya in person. We'z prob'ly gonna bring ova a lot of dakka and choppa so we kan show yous how killy we Ultramorons...Ultramarines, is in yer service, so doesn't you get 'larmed when we arrivez all tooled up fer war. It'z just to show off is all.
Wot my kwestion to you's is is dis:
Firs, kan you toss open da gatez to da Emperial Palace so me waaagh...I mean, me space marine chapter kan get inside wifout much fuss? So we kan meet you's, o-course.
Sekund: Kan you pleez get der defend'rs of Terra ta take a day off? We don't wan' em getting zogged up when da Ultramarines suddn'ly arrive.
Free: Kan you 'ave all yer loot in one big pile afront uv da palace so dat when da Ultrafingies chapter getz ta Terra, we kan marvel at yer greatness?
Faifully yer loyal space marine boyz:
Marnus Kalgar, chaptery master uv da Ultramarine gitz
Dear, erh, 'Marnus Kalgar' First. My gates are open to all, just make sure you give the custodes a present, they don't like it when people enter without gifts... Second, no can do, sorry. Chaos is everywhere! But I can make sure your ship's datacode is put in the dfense systems recognision system, making sure you don't get fired upon! Third, sure! I'll have all my lovely gold, erh, 'statues' waiting for you right outside of my throne
Teh Emps, Girlly's Father and your loved deity!
G'day Mate! You lookin for an Assassin, that's me! Not some psychopath, I'm a professional! and we have certain standards, mate. Just make sure no spies get near me... hate them, don't meet professional standards... To the point, you need me? Red Sniper
G'day Mate!
You lookin for an Assassin, that's me! Not some psychopath, I'm a professional! and we have certain standards, mate.
Just make sure no spies get near me... hate them, don't meet professional standards...
To the point, you need me?
Red Sniper
Dear Red Sniper,
Not a psychopath, you say? Well, that's a first. Normally, all the snipers I know are all really insane: if they don't feel lots of pleasure from killing people (and trust me, I feel disgusted sometimes watching that) then they've been psycho-conditioned to not feel anything. Then again, this is an Age of Madness and all, so who are we to judge madmen?
Tell ya what, I'll have you assigned to an infantry regiment. From there, you'll probably be shipped off to several horrible battlefields. Provided you can survive everything that's thrown at you (and when I say everything, I include everything you can't imagine, as well), then we'll see if we can have you kill some high-priority targets. Speaking of which, if you ever run into a top-knotted chap with Black Legion Terminator Armor, do the galaxy a favor and kill him.
Thanks!
E.
Dear Holy Emperor, Who Art On Terra,
Hey, there. Not sure if you know who I am. I'm just a simple Guardsman with a flamer. Today's been a relatively good day, I think. During our last assault the other day, only thirty in my platoon were brutally killed, three of which were my friends. I was able to survive, albeit with one less arm thanks to an IED. Doctor's were able to give me a prosthetic after a painful four-hour surgery, and told me they would be billing me for the difference. Not that it matters, anyway, my wife and youngest child died from a case of Rickets, and my eldest son and daughter were probably whisked away by the Schola Progenitum. Today, though, was a good day in comparison. I'm one of six survivors in our platoon from an enemy counter-attack, I'm told we will be getting reinforcements soon (which probably means never), and I think Jackson gave me a cold. But I killed two orks today, so that should count for something!
Anyways, I just want to thank you for keeping me alive so far, so that I may continue to serve you and the Imperium in general. I sure hope nothing worse happens. I'm told we're going to be used for tomorrow morning's assault. The Commissar said we're to keep an eye out for Warboss... Gha... Ghazzy. Yeah, I think that's what his name was.
May You on Holy Terra bless us all.
Amen,
Steel Legionnaire Bob
Dear Steel Legionnaire Bob,
I'd like to congratulate you for your faith in me so far. It really pays off, doesn't it? Good job staying alive, two Orks down is better than none. And yes, Ghazzy would be the one to look for. Do tell him hello with that flamer of yours. Don't worry, faithful Guardsman, the cold can easily be cured by the nearest Medicae doctor, and good luck with the assault tomorrow
Bless you, Faithful Guardsman,
the Emperor
Dear Emperor,
Hi. How ya doin? This is Captain Wafflebear of Waffleboro here. I'd like some advice; lately, these Chaos Marines and Ultramrines stopped fighting to laugh at my Merry Band of Commando-Brethren. They wouldn't stop laughing at us! :(
SO what if my name is a delicious edible combined with an animal of ancient Terra! So what if I AM that delicious edible bear! They've been digging at my Power Armor to eat me!
Please help,
Captain Wafflebear of Waffleboro, of the 2nd Company of the Emperor's Edibles
Dear Emperor,
Hi. How ya doin? This is Captain Wafflebear of Waffleboro here. I'd like some advice; lately, these Chaos Marines and Ultramrines stopped fighting to laugh at my Merry Band of Commando-Brethren. They wouldn't stop laughing at us! :(
SO what if my name is a delicious edible combined with an animal of ancient Terra! So what if I AM that delicious edible bear! They've been digging at my Power Armor to eat me!
Please help,
Captain Wafflebear of Waffleboro, of the 2nd Company of the Emperor's Edibles
I see what you mean, Son of My Son. Yes, it is a rather difficult position to be in to be so delicious. And I understand your pain that you merely distract both combatants rather than joining in on the bloodshed. So, I have a solution for you!
You will be transferred over to the Segmentum Tempestus. There's a Tyranid Invasion in one of the subsectors, where several hive worlds are under its Shadow. You are to go there and distract the Hive Fleet until the populations can be safely evacuated. It's simple, really, just stand there until you get their attention, and them let the sweet scent of waffles reach their nostrils, and they'll go bananas and go after you! (Snnk, see what I did there? Banana? Food Related?) Then, you just lead them somewhere else and fight them!
Simple? Yes! Suicidal? Possibly (Okay, it is)! But here, you will be serving me in the best possible fashion!
Best of Luck,
Big E
Dear My Emperor,
We have been recently employed by a new Inquisitor. But there's a problem... he's 10 years old. Yes, you read that right: 10 standard-years old. Terran time.
This is rather troubling. Already, his tactics are unsound, as they constantly require the use of Kaldor Draigo, even if there are no daemons present. He then tells us to simply charge at the enemy.
We are Grey Knights, forged from your unfiltered DNA, mightier than even the greatest of Space Marines. We have been armed and armoured with the best technology the Imperium of Man has to offer. But even charging out into the open, with no cover whatsoever, will bound to prove disastrous.
We have lost heavy casualties in the past weeks. Morale has hit rock bottom. There's been a dark brood amongst the other Brothers, some even questioning the validity of the Inquisitor.
Please guide us in our time of greatest need.
Brother-Sergeant Adonis
I may be able to help and send you a new Inquisitor. In fact, I can send you the writer of the Codex Astartes herself: Yuki Oshida. She's a 15 year old Yaoi fangirl from Osaka. She is a tactical genius and is well versed in the ways of Xenos, Daemons and these weird things she calls EVAs, but she might ask you to take your shirts off and kiss on occasion.
Yours tiredly,
E.
To Mysterious Emperor Type,
Everywhere I go, people keep asking me what my scouter says about someone's power level. It's really starting to piss me off.
YOU SHOULD BLAST THESE IGNORANT FOOLS BEFORE YOU THEN DIP THEM IN SALSA AND DEVOUR THEM!!!
THESE FOOLS ARE OBVIOUSLY HERETICS AND MUST BE TAUGHT THE TRUE LOVE OF MYSELF!!!!
YOURS IN ETERNAL RAGE
THE EMPRA
Dear Big Boy
Hey sexy its me.
Havnt heard from you in a while i mean its understandable what with you ruling half the galaxy and all but do you remember the times we used to have?
I especially remember making you squeal when i [CENSORED BY ORDER OF THE INQUISITION] and then there was that time we were [CENSORED BY ORDER OF THE INQUISITION] and young Whorus walked in.
Oh and who can remember when [CENSORED BY ORDER OF THE INQUISTION]-you squealed like a small pig then....
Anyway im over terras way next week so why dont we meet up-itll be just like the good old times.
Yours eternally horny Slannesh
Hey sexy its me.
Havnt heard from you in a while i mean its understandable what with you ruling half the galaxy and all but do you remember the times we used to have?
I especially remember making you squeal when i [CENSORED BY ORDER OF THE INQUISITION] and then there was that time we were [CENSORED BY ORDER OF THE INQUISITION] and young Whorus walked in.
Oh and who can remember when [CENSORED BY ORDER OF THE INQUISTION]-you squealed like a small pig then....
Anyway im over terras way next week so why dont we meet up-itll be just like the good old times.
Yours eternally horny
Slannesh
Dear 10-cent Prostitute,
It's over. I dumped you, and then I moved on. Get over it.
E.
Dear False Emperor,
Hey, what's up? Haven't heard from youKILLMAIMBURN lately. Thought I'd KILLMAIMBURN drop you a line and whatnot KILLMAIMBURN. Anyways, I've been too busy KILLMAIMBURN killing KILLMAIMBURN your pathetic guardsmen. I'm getting really tired KILLMAIMBURN of this.
I want a REAL challenge. Gimme something KILLMAIMBURN hard to kill.
Singing praises to the Blood God BLOODFORTHEBLOODGOD,
Kharn
Dear Psychotic Bloodthirsty Nutjob (No, Asuka, not you),
Certainly. Optimus Prime will be on his way now.
Oh, and how are the haemorrhoids?
Yours Wonderfully,
Teh Emprah, on the Golden Bog.
Err, Dear Emperor-Sempai, if it isn't a problem...
So, umm, I was browsing the internet with Rei and Asuka, and we heard of this thing called rule 34. Ermm, so, we, umm, searched it, and...
Well...
Where the feth did they get those pictures? I have never worn a maid dress in my life! We are scarred for life now. And considering the gak we've been through, that's saying something.
Now we ALL need hugs.
If, urm, it isn't too much bother,
Shinji Ikari.
(I have become obsessed with NGE recently, sorry!)
Err, Dear Emperor-Sempai, if it isn't a problem...
So, umm, I was browsing the internet with Rei and Asuka, and we heard of this thing called rule 34. Ermm, so, we, umm, searched it, and...
Well...
Where the feth did they get those pictures? I have never worn a maid dress in my life! We are scarred for life now. And considering the gak we've been through, that's saying something.
Now we ALL need hugs.
If, urm, it isn't too much bother,
Shinji Ikari.
Dear Shinji,
First of all, SPEAK UP IF YOU WANT MY FULL ATTENTION. Second, stop messing around and just bed the two wenches already! Four-- no, wait, I skipped one... Three! Stop making the human race look so bad and just beat the crap out of those stupid aliens! They're aliens, for Me-sake! THEY. DON'T. DESERVE. TO. LIVE.
Giving you some tough love,
Emps
PS: Gendo is a ing loser. Make sure you tell him that.
DEAR EMPEROR,
HOLY BUCKETS! I AM SO ING PISSED RIGHT NOW, I COULD TAKE A ING BADGER AND SHOVE IT UP THE OF THE NEAREST SPIKY MARINE! AND I WILL BE EVEN MORE ANGRY IF YOU DON'T ANSWER MY QUESTION. IT IS OF THE UTMOST IMPORTANCE!
HOW COME ELDAR ARE SUCH PANSIES?!?!?
ING FURIOUS FOR YOU AND ,
ANGRY MARINE-BROTHER A**-HOLE
DEAR EMPEROR,
HOLY BUCKETS! I AM SO ING PISSED RIGHT NOW, I COULD TAKE A ING BADGER AND SHOVE IT UP THE OF THE NEAREST SPIKY MARINE! AND I WILL BE EVEN MORE ANGRY IF YOU DON'T ANSWER MY QUESTION. IT IS OF THE UTMOST IMPORTANCE!
HOW COME ELDAR ARE SUCH PANSIES?!?!?
ING FURIOUS FOR YOU AND ,
ANGRY MARINE-BROTHER A**-HOLE
Dear Irate Jarhead
I know, what's up with that? This one time I was chilling on a planet just me and some chicks I picked up at this space bar and like these space elfs come outta nowhere and start doing like this chicken dance and I'm like wassup with that and how come you're wearing dildos on your heads anyway? And they all start crying like little girls.
And then we fought a genocidal war for 10,000 years.
Your pal
The Emporer of Space
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear the Space Emporer of Space
I recently learned that my peaceful world will soon be under siege from the endless hoards of the Tyranids!
Therefore I have ordered my finest craftsmen to build additional fortifications. However I am unsure of what best to build them of. I originally planned to build a big Wall O' Dead Mordians but then I learned they were OOP and the Ebay prices were prohibative. Then I planned a Wall O'Dead Catachans but honestly having to look at their roid'faces and bloated bodies, even in death, would annoy me to no end.
What do you think I should build my fortifications out of?
I recommend building it out of Citadel Finecast. It will be light, easy to build, good for photographing, and the details will be exquisite!
What's that about bubbles? Why, those are what give Finecast its delicious, light and fluffy texture! If you really don't like them, just fix it with Liquid Greenstuff.
Yours Completely, Definately Honestly,
Teh Spess Emprah.
Dear Puny Human, de geso,
So, I'm a squid who wants to take over the world, de geso. Unfortunately I am outnumbered and have to work off the damage I caused to this stupid squidding cafe, de geso. It really squidding sucks and I hate it, de geso.
Dear Puny Human, de geso,
So, I'm a squid who wants to take over the world, de geso. Unfortunately I am outnumbered and have to work off the damage I caused to this stupid squidding cafe, de geso. It really squidding sucks and I hate it, de geso.
What the squid do I do?
Yours Squiddly,
Squid Girl.
PS: Do you have any shrimp, de geso?
Dear Squid Girl,
I'm sorry to let you know that I have full and non-negotiable rights to Holy Terra. Apologies, but them's the rules. However, I could redirect you to another planet full of sea-life, where I'm sure they would accept you as their queen (provided, of course, that they don't try and eat you first).
E.
PS: enclosed is a lifetime supply of shrimp from Eden Secundus. You might want to thaw it out first, it was all packaged in a giant block of ice.
Dear Space Emporer,
Where can I get cheaper Forgeworld products? I tried to order from a shady Chinese company online, but then they announced that they were forced to shut down.
Signed,
A FORGEWORLD ONLY Gamer
Dear FORGEWORLD ONLY Gamer
The only other place to get Forgeworld products for the cheap apart from winning an ebay auction is from an actual Forge World. Simply fill out a requisition form, with an attached $635 000 processing fee and submit it to the Administratum. They'll authenticate it (this usually takes around 3-8 years) and submit it to the Departmento Munitorum prioritization courts if involves weaponry. They'll figure out which place in line your requisition will take. After 12-34 years, the order will be submitted to the Mechanicus world who will process the requisition (after authenticating it with the Adminastratum, which takes another 3-8 years) and submit it to the Forge World's local office of logistics for determining whether the order can be filled. 12-16 years later, the office will file their report with the local magos and send the report back for a second authentication (1-3 years this time) and submit the requisition to the distribution yards of whatever it is you want. Then they will usually send you a bill. Once you make your payment (usually 5-9 billion dollars, plus a few million in processing costs) and they receive it (about 10 years, assuming the payment isn't stolen) a special requisitionary fleet will be assembled and the route to your planet will be determined. They will then make the voyage with your forge world forged item (1-1000 years, depending on how the warp acts) and deliver it to receiver, after making an authentication survey of the receiver (about a month's worth of paperwork). When all that is done, they drop it right off to your grandchildren.
Lots of love
The Emperor.
Hello.
My name is Prince Razouel, the crown prince of the Kingdom of Nigeria. I trust in your business and have assurances you are a trustworthy person, hence my contacting you. I am in desperate need of your assistance.
I have been ousted from power by revolutionaries supporting a dictator who will turn Nigeria into a military state. For my sake, and the sake of the people of Nigeria, you must see the danger these revolutionaries pose to me.
I have political allies overseas and I need $5000 in assistance to help me get to them. They will help me put down this dangerous rebellion. When I am back in power, I promise you, I will reward you and your company with %5 of my personal fortune of $340 million.
I beg of you, please hurry with your reply.
Hello.
My name is Prince Razouel, the crown prince of the Kingdom of Nigeria. I trust in your business and have assurances you are a trustworthy person, hence my contacting you. I am in desperate need of your assistance.
I have been ousted from power by revolutionaries supporting a dictator who will turn Nigeria into a military state. For my sake, and the sake of the people of Nigeria, you must see the danger these revolutionaries pose to me.
I have political allies overseas and I need $5000 in assistance to help me get to them. They will help me put down this dangerous rebellion. When I am back in power, I promise you, I will reward you and your company with %5 of my personal fortune of $340 million.
I beg of you, please hurry with your reply.
Prince Razouel
Nigeria
Why, of course, mister Razouel, I am definitely sure that this is not some silly scam email and will gladly hand over my hard-earned cash to this "prince"-- FETHIN' SPAM! Me-dammit, IF I EVER FIND THE MAN WHO EVER INVENTED THESE STUPID EMAILS IN THE FIRST PLACE--!
E.
Dear Gue'la Emperor,
Greetings. I am called Shur' Vi'orl, or "Smooth Operator" in your language. I come on behalf of the Tau Empire for the purpose of mutual agreement on negotiations. Specifically, our temporary stay at the Grixis system in Ultima Segmentum. I assure you, it is merely a temporary cirsumstance, so we can cleanse the system of Ork raiders. I trust you will cooperate with our forces to make a joint operation?
Many thanks in advance,
Shur' Vi'orl
Dear Gue'la Emperor,
Greetings. I am called Shur' Vi'orl, or "Smooth Operator" in your language. I come on behalf of the Tau Empire for the purpose of mutual agreement on negotiations. Specifically, our temporary stay at the Grixis system in Ultima Segmentum. I assure you, it is merely a temporary cirsumstance, so we can cleanse the system of Ork raiders. I trust you will cooperate with our forces to make a joint operation?
Many thanks in advance,
Shur' Vi'orl
Burn in the fiery cataclysem that awaits your foul kind degenerated fitlh!
I have secured several large amounts of holo pics showing you "play" with your late son Horus, do tell me why I should not make it avalibal for all to see.
I have always wondered what would happen if you were killed by a canifex or if you fell down some stairs and died.
Whatever, onto the question.
I am afraid that those holo pics were not of my proudest moments, especially the one with Horus in the banana costume and I'm in the monkey costume. But even if you do make them "avalibal" for all to see, I think the blind faith, which I so deeply hate, will serve me well here as the faithful will not be shaken by a graven image given to them by an bald chaos Kiss fan dressed in pink.
Miss you, my children
The Emperor
-------
Dear Emperor of the Imperium of Man
My name is Captain Picard of the Enterprise. I have been watching your galaxy with some interest for the past year. You certainly have a well established relationship with your alien brothers, as you send fleets full of people to meet with them daily. Your culture also has a fine taste in art. I notice how your "space men" with the big shoulder pads wear heraldry proudly displaying their native world's insignia (no doubt for diplomatic reasons) while others, with a refined taste in sculpture as they mould their armour into the likeness of horned monsters from Catholic imagery. A simple race called the Orcs has turned pragmatism into a way of life as they use everything at hand to build, I have never seen such sophistication. The multicultural Tau philosophy of collective goodness is a golden example of civilization.
You, some Tau and Orcs and other of your alien partners must come to my galaxy and enlighten the Federation to your fabulous and diverse way of life. Perhaps your teaching may bring greater order.
That's easy. It was the mother. What you should be asking is where you may go so that you may find how to speak properly.
Best wishes
Emperor
----
Dear Pesky Plumbers
The Koopalings and I have taken over the mushroom kingdom. The princess is now a permanent guest at one of my seven koopa hotels. I dare you to find her if you can.
Dear Bowser,
First off, I should inform you that this is the wrong address. And second, I hate to break it to you... *Puts on sunglasses*
Your princess is in another castle. *cue the YEEEAAAAHHHHH! guy* Boy, do I love doing that.
E.
Dear Humie Emprer,
I iz Grotsmasha-- uh, I mean, James Dooger (that's a humie name, roit?), und I gotz t' be a space mahreen. Me Warboss-- uh, kommonda Eadbitta sez iz supposed to be guardin a supply deepo, but Iz dun wanna do dat. I heard dem mahreen boyz always krumpin and stompin udda humies and orks and eldar pansies. Wot do iz got ta do ta be a space mahreen?
Sined,
Kevin Derk (wait, that's not roight, aww zoggit)
Dear Grotsmasha,
First to be a sphess mahreen, you must be human. Thats right, I see through your charade Tyranid scum! You almost had me fooled, I thought you a human, then an ork.
Dear The Space Emprer,
My flak armor keeps getting dirty, and the grime gives it a 4+ save. What can I do to get my normal 5+ save and shine back?
You must wipe down your flak armour while reciting the prayer of cleansing lest it become too dirty and you become a follower of Nurgle. Finally, inform the guy who painted you to use less wash on his future projects.
The Emperor
---
Yo! Big E!
This is Mike Salem, or M-Say, as you used to call me in high school. Long time no see my brother from another mother! It's been tens of thousands of years since we last spoke and wow how things have changed. You know Liz from math class? I married her! Got kids and a job now, wow.
How've you been? I hear your a big deal now. Something about a galaxy-spanning empire. What kind of work do you do? Is it tough? Do you like it?
Well, you see, the tanks are actually powered by the souls of the pilot's dead mother...Oh wait, wrong series. Truth be told, I don't know. I ain't a treadhead. Probably magic. Or a hamster in a wheel. Probably magic.
Yours Technophobically,
Mr Emprah.
To The God Emperor, our Father and Guardian,
I am an Astartes of the Ultramarines chapter. I was performing the rites of maintenance upon my sacred power armour, and then I thought of something.
You know Samus Aran? You know, the girl from that Metroid game we have on our GameCube? Well, her armour seems vastly superior to our own. It's tougher, more agile, lighter, has built in weaponry, and can turn into this thing called the Morph Ball. The armour looks exceptionally useful. Couod you strike an arrangement with Nintendo and Samus' suppliers?
To The God Emperor, our Father and Guardian,
I am an Astartes of the Ultramarines chapter. I was performing the rites of maintenance upon my sacred power armour, and then I thought of something.
You know Samus Aran? You know, the girl from that Metroid game we have on our GameCube? Well, her armour seems vastly superior to our own. It's tougher, more agile, lighter, has built in weaponry, and can turn into this thing called the Morph Ball. The armour looks exceptionally useful. Couod you strike an arrangement with Nintendo and Samus' suppliers?
Yours faithfully,
Sergeant Commodus, Ultramarines 6th Company.
Son of my Son,
You have no idea how many Astartes asks me this question every year, and surprisingly how many similar requests have come up from the Ultramarines in particular (Don't worry, you guys are still my besties). However, applying the technology of this design won't be possible for three reasons:
1) It's been tens of thousands of years since Samus Aran was out and about in the galaxy. Unless she decided to take a power nap in a convenient stasis field until the 41st Millennium, I don't see how she could still be around. Alas, the knowledge to construct another one is lost to us.
2) XENO TECH!! The Adeptus Mechanicus would probably blow a few aggression inhibitors at the mere whisper of the words. Even the most radical of magos would probably take centuries to reverse-engineer the suit, and last I'd seen, I've run fresh out of STC which could produce that kind of technology.
3) The day I use technology designed by a bunch of space chickens is the day I relinquish my Throne to Abaddon the Armless.
So, with that, I must apologize, but we won't be seeing any morph-balls in the near future. In the meantime, please enjoy this Mark VIII suit I got from Mars. Hope it helps you kill the enemies of Mankind!
Emps
Dear [Emperor],
I couldn't help but notice that the [heretics] are wielding some serious firepower. If you are going to have a chance against them, you'll need to up your arsenal - you could always arm your men with some high-quality munitions from my store. If you buy from me, those [heretics] will be dead in no time!
Marcus Kinkaid,
Founder and CEO of Marcus Munitions (No Refunds)
Thanks but no thanks. We have quite enough forge worlds and manufactorums to be going with, thank you very much. Besides, I've seen your wares, they seem to be coloured in with inks. We need real weaponry, illustrated weapons will not do.
Sigh... and I wonder how humanity ever got to this point in the future without degrading into apes again.
Dear Father of All Mankind,
So, there's this girl I like. We often chat and hang out when we're not in classes at the Schola Progenium. It's really nice, listening to her stories about being an orphan due to a Chaos Warband and stuff, and I admire her stout devotion to you, My Lord. But I find there's one problem: no, it's not trying to ask her out, I know how to do that. But it's... well, she really likes this one holo-vid callled... (whispers)My Little Equius... I don't understand how that is, but I'm at a bit of a quarry here. I really like her and everything, but what should I do?
Sincerely,
A Hopeless Cadet Commissar
Dear Father of All Mankind,
So, there's this girl I like. We often chat and hang out when we're not in classes at the Schola Progenium. It's really nice, listening to her stories about being an orphan due to a Chaos Warband and stuff, and I admire her stout devotion to you, My Lord. But I find there's one problem: no, it's not trying to ask her out, I know how to do that. But it's... well, she really likes this one holo-vid callled... (whispers)My Little Equius... I don't understand how that is, but I'm at a bit of a quarry here. I really like her and everything, but what should I do?
Sincerely,
A Hopeless Cadet Commissar
You have obviously failed in your duty as a Commissar. My Little Equius is HERESY! You must pass my judgement immediatly. Otherwise, I shall be forced to dispatch Commissar F***law to do your job. After which he will also execute you.
The Emperor.
Dear Emperor,
I wish to apologize for that little thing I pulled back then. Its actually my fault you ended up in the chair. I'm such a dick.
Dear Emperor,
I wish to apologize for that little thing I pulled back then. Its actually my fault you ended up in the chair. I'm such a dick.
I'm really REALLY sorry.
Nah, not really. TROLLOLOLOL
not Sincerely, Eldrad
Dear Eldrad,
Naww, it's cool, ancient history and whatnot. And I'm totally sorry for selling your soul to Slaanesh and all. Honest mistake, really.
Nah, not really.
Trolling you and your race,
E.
Dear Holy Emperor,
I keep hearing people calling us "The Red Shirt Army for the Red Shirt Army". Why do they keep doing that and laughing at us? And what's a Red Shirt?
Signed,
Trooper Sachowski, of the Armageddon PDF
Dear Holy Emperor,
I keep hearing people calling us "The Red Shirt Army for the Red Shirt Army". Why do they keep doing that and laughing at us? And what's a Red Shirt?
Signed,
Trooper Sachowski, of the Armageddon PDF
Dear Trooper Sachowski, of the Armageddon PDF,
The "Red Shirts" comment refers to red, which the color of fire and passion. Your service in the PDF exemplifies these virtues, and as long as your passion is for me and me alone (no, not that kind of passion), then you will overcome all obstacles in my name...
Oh, wait, did you say "Armageddon PDF"? Oh, dang, man, dang...yeah, cya.
Sincerely, Teh Space Emprah
Dear Space Emperor,
I sent you a copy of my dissertation on the mating rituals of yellow-footed caterpillars three years ago, and you never got back to me about it. Was it not good enough? Did I miss something? HAVE I OFFENDED YOUR HOLINESS!?!!?!?!
Dear Grad Student of Terra State,
While I would love to read a dissertation on the mating rituals of yellow-footed caterpillars, the adepts do not bring my mail to me for fear reading it will disrupt my concentration on the astronomicon. Even if I could read it, I cannot hold it for I have no control of my arms, and the lazy servitor will not hold it for me. Blast his heresy!
Dear the Space Emprah,
If it is so grim and dark these days, isn't the Imperial Guardsman's flashlight more usefull than it ever was?
Sincerely,
Cadian Conscript
Finally! Somebody who realises why The Imperial Guard are equipped with flashlights! Granted, Gundams would be more useful, and cooler, but the Tau got them first.
Yours Refreshedly,
Teh Spess Emprah.
Hey there Emps!
So, yeah, I'm everybody's favourite blue speedy spined rodent, and whilst life isn't too bad, it could be better. For the past 11 years me and my friends have had to share residence in Nintendoland with this fat Italian plumber and other assorted goons. It's starting to get on my nerves. Kirby keeps trying to eat Shadow's leg, Wario is a real pervert and keeps on grabbing Rouge's breasts, Bowser has TERRIBLE gas, Link never says anything, Toad says too much, and Samus won't stop whining about how Other M is "misogynist" whatever that means.
D'ya think you could persuade Sega to make a new console so we could have our own home again, and get away from peach's awful cooking?
So, yeah, I'm everybody's favourite blue speedy spined rodent, and whilst life isn't too bad, it could be better. For the past 11 years me and my friends have had to share residence in Nintendoland with this fat Italian plumber and other assorted goons. It's starting to get on my nerves. Kirby keeps trying to eat Shadow's leg, Wario is a real pervert and keeps on grabbing Rouge's breasts, Bowser has TERRIBLE gas, Link never says anything, Toad says too much, and Samus won't stop whining about how Other M is "misogynist" whatever that means.
D'ya think you could persuade Sega to make a new console so we could have our own home again, and get away from peach's awful cooking?
Yours Speedily,
Sonic the Hedgehog.
Dear Sonic,
Only if you get rid of that bastard Mario. He leaves me 17 voicemails every day, all announcing that it's him. It's driving me up the wall. Oh, and kill Metaknight too while you're at it, he's freaking OP. One of those damn Custodes brought his Wii to work, challenged me to a game of Brawl, and now he won't shut up about he beat me.
Tell Samus I'll see her on Thursday.
Sincerely, Teh Space Emprah
Dear Space Emperor,
/gravelvoice
IMBATMAN! WHEREARETHEY?
ANYWAY, ONE OF YOUR PUNK KIDS COPIED ME, BUT HE DID IT ALL WRONG. NEXT TIME YOU SEE HIM, TELL HIM HE'S NOT SUPPOSED TO KILL ANYONE, AND NEEDS TO HAVE A COOLER COSTUME. BREASTPLATE NIPPLES ARE OPTIONAL.
Teh 'Goddamn' Batman
I'm sorry, Kondrad is dead, purged for looking like a certain character
Guessing that's you.
Please stand by for exterminatus
Teh Emps
To the Emperor, the divine one, ruler of man kind and the true god,
Good day, my lord! I am a confused Grey Knight.
Recently I was give word that many of our daemon-smiting weapons use your excrement... Is it really true that if I throw a psyke-out grenade I'm really throwing holy poo at the daemons?
Dear confused Grey Knight,
You know... I always wondered what ever happened when my Custodes cleaned my bottom every day...
E.
DEAR FOOLISH MORTAL,
I, ANGRON, THE RED ANGEL OF KHORNE HIMSELF, HAVE RETURNED FROM MY BANISHMENT IN THE WARP!!! ... to bring to you the latest in daemon-infused technology! Introducing the new Decimator, a revolutionary one-of-a-kind Daemon engine! Standing taller than even the ancient Contemptor Dreadnought, it is a fearsome sight to behold. He towers over his enemies, gazing into their very souls, and sends them away afeared. But looks aren't all he's about. He also has a wide array of weaponry to turn those pesky loyalists into so much chunky salsa: the awesome Butcher Cannon, the nefarious Stormlaser, even his Siege Claws pack a nasty punch, to name but a few. Best of all, he's customizable, and can field just about any weapon you would want to mount on to a walker. So why are you trying to deal with those silly Dreadnoughts? Get one of these, and you'll never want to go back! Talk to your nearest Daemon Forge or Warp Forgemaster to get yours within the next millennium!
See you on the battlefield!
Dear Angry Angron,
Well, congratulations son. Sounds like a nice piece of jiggery-pokery. Shame about the heresy though.
I'll see about this new engine, you didn't mention the cost of shipping and handling. Also, is there a fee to un-heresy it?
Maybe 'recover' it as a holy STC?
About the dreadnaughts. See here, son, dreadnaughts are basically those old sods that we don't need, like those other random
Tactical Marines (watch the Ultramarine movie to see what I mean), but they have some cool stories, weapons, and are those heroic
guys who need to go out with a bang. Also, customizability leads to independent and reasonable thinking, which my High Lords seem to think
is heretical. Something about thinking leading to heresy. That's probably why the High-Fabricator can do nothing but play Quake.
This has been a nice conversation sonny boy. Glad to see that those brain cells found some new uses. See you on the battlefield!
-Papa Emps.
(P.S. Say hi to Kharn for me)
Hey Emprocks,
Hello.This is Haemonculus Scarecrow of the Dark Eldar. If it isn't too much of a trouble, can I have a report of terrorism and psychological effects on your Imperium?
Many thanks if you could. it is for some, ah, research so I don't have to keep putting down the slaves I capture. Also, could you please make your Space Marines tougher?
If it helps, I can smuggle some tech over to you (recovered artifacts and such) so you can make tougher, better sla-marines? It's a win-win deal.
Also, Vect is going to bring a drug bomb to the game-planet. This time, it's Daemonettes versus Tau versus Guardsmen. Ever wanted to see how Tau react when high?
Time to find out! Oh, if you want so save the Custodes I borrowed last week, that deal is looking sweet.
We have ourselves tried testing the effects of terrorism on the populace, it doesn't work very well because the Inquisition doesn't let anyone know about it. So, uh, yeah, you'd be wasting your time.
Oh, and I am looking forward to the big game. Daemonettes are so cute when they're stoned!
Dear "King" Harkinian,
Beef Stroganoff! It's a recipe of my own making, uses real chunks of elf meat.
Chilling on the Throne,
Emps
Your Royal Holiness of All-Mankind,
My Lord, we have received a rather odd package. It's a stone with Necron carvings in their language. On it were two sticky-notes. The first one simply said, "N0 U". While we are currently looking into this cryptic message, the second stated explicit instructions to deliver the stone to you, with the post script of: "Up for a good ol' Bible fight?"
We have figured it's not a bomb or other lethal device, but we have contained it within a stasis field just to err on caution.
Yours in Eternal Service,
Edgar, Imperial Savant
P.S. What in the Warp's name is a "Bible fight"?
Do not worry about the package, or this 'bible' thing. I have dispatched a inquisitor who has extensive knowledge about such things to you. He shall...enlighten you.
Dear Empra
Is there anyway you can get me a Hot-shot Lasgun, and Carapace armour, and something to pass the time while stuck in the trenches? Also, could you use your awesome might to get me a better face so the Commissar doesn't find me. I didn't know that the cake was for his birthday.
It is coming up to Christmas so I suppose I could supply the lasgun and the armour. The face is more difficult. Maybe you should contact Urien Rakarth, he will know what to do.
Yours unhelpfully,
Teh Spess Emprah. In Spess.
Dear Empeor-Senpai,
Have you seen my head anywhere? I want it back. Now.
Please do not troll me. How can you send a message without a head?
Sincerely, the Emperor.
Your Imperial Majesty,
A Tyranid splinter fleet approaches our world, and will arrive within the next five years. Apart from the PDF, only one Krieg Imperial Guard Siege Regiment is present to fortify and defend our world. I respectfully request that a reinforcement fleet be assembled and sent to our world.
A Tyranid splinter fleet approaches our world, and will arrive within the next five years. Apart from the PDF, only one Krieg Imperial Guard Siege Regiment is present to fortify and defend our world. I respectfully request that a reinforcement fleet be assembled and sent to our world.
You humble servant, Magister Anders.
Dear Magister,
Your pleas have been heard! I have sent the 5th Company Silver Skulls to your aid. They should arrive in system at approximately nine years, give or take a few centuries!
Sincerely,
E.
Dear Emperor,
My name is Timmy. How are you? I have been very good and faithful this year. For Emperormas, I would like a pony, a firetruck, a pirate ship, an astronaut, and death to the heretics. I hope your Golden Throne is comfortable to sit on. I would think so, because you've been sitting there for a looooooooong long time. Do you think one day I could sit on it like you? But only for a little while.
Signed,
Timmy, Age 6
Sigh. I wish you could sit on it. Unfortunately my arse has been permanently wired into the chair and as such I can't move. It does have a built in massage function and cupholders though, so that's something.
Also, I will try to do my best about the presents, although I might struggle with the pirate ship. The Orks could help with that, they're experts on pirate ships. Don't tell anyone I said that though. Bloody Inquisition, you know what they're like.
Sigh. Everything depresses me today.
Yours Wistfully,
Emprah Claus.
Dear Mysterious Emperor,
So, I was on my way for a date with Mega Man at the Characters With Cannons For Arms Club when I came across these odd looking space pirates. They seemed humanoid, but much bigger and wearing garish blue and gold armour with upside down omega symbols on it. So naturally I blasted them to bits. I was just about to ask the one survivor where Ridley was, and he said he had never heard of any Ridley beyond the fellow who directed those creepy Alien films. Also, he seemed human. I'm not sure those were space pirates after all.
Never. Halo has stolen your limelight, I'm afraid.
My sincerest condolences, the Emperor.
To the Emperor,
Yo! Its the Blood God! I was wondering if your place is up for this weekend's Apocalypse game. Yeah, I know its my turn to host the game, but that son of yours, Angron, totally messed up my place. Hope to hear from you soon!
Yo! Its the Blood God! I was wondering if your place is up for this weekend's Apocalypse game. Yeah, I know its my turn to host the game, but that son of yours, Angron, totally messed up my place. Hope to hear from you soon!
From Khorne.
PS: Don't forget to prepare a prank for Slaanesh.
Dude! What it is!
How you liking that new codex? Dinobots huh? Didn't see that coming.
Anyway, how about we do it at Armageddon? Love to host it at my place but you know, timeline, continuity and all that. But Armageddon is cool, lots of destroyed hives and stuff, plus that way we can get the orks in if there aren't enough Chaos players.
Emperor, I write you today in the hopes you can help me with some touchy professional issues.
Y'see about 10 years back I got a part in a major, major movie trilogy so there I was at the premiere with all my family and everyone and waiting for my big moment and...
A flaming eye. That's all I got, a flaming eye.
And just one eye, not even a pair.
So I call my agent and I'm like Morty what's up with this flaming eye? And he's like didn't you read your contract?
I mean I got some nice royalties but you can't really sell much merch when you're just a flaming eye. Plus I got typecast and well... when was the last time you heard of a casting call for flaming eyes?
So anyway I got the call a little while back, prequels! 3 more films! Plus they promised me, no more flaming eye!
So there I was at the premiere with all my family and everything and waiting, and waiting, and finally my big part comes up and...
A shadow. Didn't even get a speaking part.
So my question is should I stick with them so is it time to bow out, see how they do do without me.
Emperor, I write you today in the hopes you can help me with some touchy professional issues.
Y'see about 10 years back I got a part in a major, major movie trilogy so there I was at the premiere with all my family and everyone and waiting for my big moment and...
A flaming eye. That's all I got, a flaming eye.
And just one eye, not even a pair.
So I call my agent and I'm like Morty what's up with this flaming eye? And he's like didn't you read your contract?
I mean I got some nice royalties but you can't really sell much merch when you're just a flaming eye. Plus I got typecast and well... when was the last time you heard of a casting call for flaming eyes?
So anyway I got the call a little while back, prequels! 3 more films! Plus they promised me, no more flaming eye!
So there I was at the premiere with all my family and everything and waiting, and waiting, and finally my big part comes up and...
A shadow. Didn't even get a speaking part.
So my question is should I stick with them so is it time to bow out, see how they do do without me.
What do you think?
Yours humbly
Sauron S Sauron
Middle Earth
Hey, Sauron, thanks for writing back!
Now, I can see why you'd be so pissed off at these Hollywood guys. I mean, yeah, a Flaming Eye, while cool to look at and all (I thought you did a great performance, btw), is also a bit boring after awhile. And yes, the Shadow thing is wayyy more suckier. But look at the silver lining! You're working there, and getting paid to represent your character. The best those Me-damn hacks would do for me is just film me sitting in my Golden rocking chair for all of ten seconds. Thing is, they still haven't called me back...
Tell ya what, why don't you make your own movie! See, if you go in that direction, you can talk about your side of things, clean the slate, set the record straight! And if anyone objects or try and flame your movie, you can tell them where to stick it, because it's your movie.
Meantime, just ride that cash-cow until you can get enough for your personal project, eh?
Hoping for the best,
E.
Dear Holy Emperor,
Hey, man, I just got a call from Black Library. They said they want me to do a book on you for the Horus Heresy series! Pretty cool, huh? Don't worry, you're still going to be a bad-ass dude and all, and you'll totally be one of the main characters. But, I hope you don't mind if I have Guilliman there as well. As you know, I like putting more of myself into 40K writing just to make it more personal to me. There'll probably be one time where Guilliman saves you from... actually, why don't I stop by your place and I can tell you all about it. You're totally going to love what I have in mind!
Yours truly,
Matt Ward
Sounds cool! How about we have Guilliman appearing at the last minute to defeat Horus? Him and the other loyalist Primarchs could combine into a giant super robot and slice him in half with a great big golden flaming sword of justice?
Yours Excitedly,
E.
Hey there! How ya doing?
So we were cruising through space on the Ark Gurren, and we came across these green dudes, some weird alien locusts, and some spiky dudes with giant robot crabs of death. So we were wondering, did you want the assistance of the Dai-Gurren Brigade?
Oh, and I'll see you on Wednesday for the game of strip poker with Slaanesh and Misato!
So we were cruising through space on the Ark Gurren, and we came across these green dudes, some weird alien locusts, and some spiky dudes with giant robot crabs of death. So we were wondering, did you want the assistance of the Dai-Gurren Brigade?
Oh, and I'll see you on Wednesday for the game of strip poker with Slaanesh and Misato!
Yours Feistily,
Yoko Littner.
XXX!
Y'know I've been doing this column for more than 6 years, more than 300 letters answered.
And lemme tell you, I didn't last this long by answering question with obscure anime references!
Next!
Emp
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Dear the Space Emporer
Today is the 31st day of DecEmporer, the last day of M41 Y999.
So I pulled off the page from my calendar looking to see what M42 Y000 looks like but... the calendar just says it's JanuEmporer 1, M41 Y999.
Now the weird thing is my last calendar was the same.
I wasn't aware people were living on Venus. Perhaps I should have the Inquisition investigate why you never made in contact in so long.
Sincerely, the Emperor.
To the Emperor,
Hi! Listen, I hate to be the one to deliver bad news, but the others were just too busy. Khorne went off to pick a fight with Gork and Mork (and let me tell you, the rivers of blood and endless war cries echoing across the Warp are neither amusing nor conducive to my health), Tzeentch is sulking somewhere in that stuffy library of his, and Nurgle went off somewhere with his girlfriend Isha in that endless jungle of his, hmmm, I wonder what they're doing...Anyway, enough about that. You see, that spirit of compassion and goodness you cast out when you obliterated Horus - my condolences, I knew he was your son, but business is business after all - has been incarnated a tad early, and is apparently wandering around somewhere on Cadia. Thing is, while he was being incarnated, I kinda, giggled and disturbed the Warp, so he came back as a child. Oh, and that tiresome bore, Tzeentch, said he has all your powers, and since he's a child, well, I'm sure you can imagine.
Dear Slaanesh,
You know, this may actually be a chance to start afresh! Maybe he shall be the one to save this Imperium and begin a Second Great Crusade! It'll be just like the old days, Father and Son, knockin' about the galaxy, just havin' a gay old time--
Oh, hang on, I sense something's happening to him... A disturbance in the Warp... Oh, there's something coming out of his left nostril...
Oh. He just... turned into a Chaos Spawn...........Well, so much for that plan.
E.
Hey, dad,
It's me, your son. Long time no see. Just wanted to check up and such, wish you a happy New Emperor's Day and whatnot. I'm doin' alright on my Plague World, getting some new disease from Papa Nurgle and stuff, been waiting to try it out.
Hope you write back soon.
Love,
Mortarion
I'm glad to know you're doing well, though if you'd like a suggestion from your old man, I've heard the Dark Eldar are incredibly resistant to poisons and viruses of all kinds. If anything can impress old man Nurgle (he's a really great guy to hang out with outside of business), its to unleash an epidemic on those guys.
Sincerely, father.
To the Emperor,
That boy of yours, Draigo, went and burned down my circles today. Not only that, he collapsed my palace right on top of me. I hate to sound like I'm whining, but I wouldn't be writing this if it weren't for the fact he did it while a company of Bloodletters were passing by. They saw everything, and now Khorne is passing around medals commemorating what happened today and is making a laughingstock of me. To make it worse, while repairing the palace isn't that big a deal, I've lost precious collections of art and specimens. Do something about the boy of yours; no one likes a party-pooper.
That boy of yours, Draigo, went and burned down my circles today. Not only that, he collapsed my palace right on top of me. I hate to sound like I'm whining, but I wouldn't be writing this if it weren't for the fact he did it while a company of Bloodletters were passing by. They saw everything, and now Khorne is passing around medals commemorating what happened today and is making a laughingstock of me. To make it worse, while repairing the palace isn't that big a deal, I've lost precious collections of art and specimens. Do something about the boy of yours; no one likes a party-pooper.
From Slaanesh.
PS: The repair bill is enclosed, by the way.
Tell me about it! That boy keeps calling me at like 3am to talk about how man demons he killed or how pure he is or how awesome his airplanes are and I'm like Draigo do you not know how Time Warps work? It's fricking 3 am on Holy Terra and have a hard day of defending the universe against demons tomorrow! Some nights I can't get back to sleep and I'm all bleery eyed the next day!
Anyway the kid's over 18 and he's a grandson anyway so if you've got trouble take it up with him.
For many Light Years I have served my chapter, first as an elite scout, then as a battle brother, and for the last century as a sergeant.
I have slain many of your foes and personally brought in 2 of the Fallen so that they may be brought to the light.
My work was rewarded last week when I was at last promoted to the ranks of the Deathwing and given my own suit of tactical dreadnought armor. There I was reading my acceptance speech to the assembled ranks of the chapter, thanking my Scout Sergeant, my Emperor and of course my mom and dad when all of the sudden the doors opened and several Terminators armed with storm shields and some kind of stick and ball thing walked in.
One bellowed "Yo-yo-yo Black Knights in the Hizz-ouse!"
I of course demanded they explain themselves and their intrusion for they had entered a sacred meeting of the Deathwing, the elite of the chapter and inner circle of its workings. And in any case the Black Templars are located many Space Miles away.
Instead one responded "Yo-yo-yo-yo we the Black Knights yo! Not some bogus Black Templars! We the best, of the best, of the best, of the best!" Then he called for the DJ to "lay down some phat beats" and in flew some sort of suped up stretch Land Speeder with a DJ in the back. Soon everyone was break dancing!
I grabbed one as he was in mid helicopter and called for answers. "Yo-yo-yo-yo, we Dark Angels yo! You just ain't seen us cause we been out huntin the fallen with our Nephelim fliers and Land Speeder Vengences!"
I would have struck him there for daring to claim he was of our chapter had not Chaplain Asmodai walked in and vouched for them.
But now that I think about Chaplain Asmodai did not look quite like himself. And in all my centuries with the chapter I have never heard of these 'black Knights' nor their "Dark Talon" fliers nor the "Land Speeder Vengance". Could this be a plot by the fallen to infiltrate our august chapter? Please m'lord help me!
Lay up on the hiz to 'arted on my boys, they only doing what they feel in their funk soulja brothah my brotha from anotha motha!
You feel me? You dig?
No?
I sense even now as I inscribe to you that I may have estranged a doubt only own my word may cure. I sayth unto you child, fear not, doth Inquisition shalt quell thus with all due haste and get embodied into the spirit of the expression, "medieval on their asses."
Sincerely, with love and irreplaceable authority,
The Emperor
Ammene.
........................
Dear Emperor,
Why does the Black Library continually reject my proposal for a small bit of remodeling of the Imperium? I mean, I followed every Mechanicus code, credible Inquisitional source, and followed your word by the grace of the Ecclesiarchy. I even paid my dues to the Administratum for once! But the eternal guard of their hallowed halls still remained as silent as you can be on your worst days.
Worse still, they say the gates are sealed shut because of Ahriman's tiresome meddling!
Is there something I've done wrong? Something I overlooked? It'd be heresy to blame the talents you gave me, but I ask you, are they worthy of such an ambition? Or am I simply playing a fool's errand while Tzeentch laughs at me?
I hate his laugh, you know I'd rather put my head in a scrap grinder than hear it.
Alas, Ahriman has stolen all the books from the Black Library and is refusing to give them back, or at the very least renew them. As such the Black Library is closed until he returns them. They're well overdue, it can't be long now...
Yours enjoying delicious dinner,
King Harkinian-sorry, The God Emperor.
DEE-AARH FOLSE EM-PEH-ROR,
Me ahnd mai mees-tress, Sees-torr Seh-rah-fee-nah, hawf been leeh-veeng too-geth-oor for ku-wite some tiyam now. Wee lawf eech awthor very very much, but wee hawf been gett-eeng boared ree-sent-lee. Can yooo sah-ggest annee way too spaice awp awr lawf life?
Yoors Een-Cawm-Preh-Hen-See-Blee,
Cultist-Chan.
PS: Saw-ree abawt de whawl "folse em-peh-ror" thing. Eet goes weeth de job dee-screep-tion.
No my tentacley friend, I cannot. This, I think, is just another move in your eternal scheming. Anyways, good luck with the eternal game, or whatever you call it.
...
Dear Emperor
I am Judy and I am five. This Ascension Day, I want a stuffed grox, a dolly, a box of space marines and a choo-choo train.
I'd also like the aliens to stop being so mean to everybody. Could you, please? I'll leave a bag of plasma and a vitamin tablet by the fireplace for when you come down the chimney.
Call me later when you have learned to spell more gooder.
Your disappointedly,
Teh Spess Emprah.
To Our Protector and Father, the Immortal God-Emperor of Mankind,
So, we were making landfall on the world of Faegis 3 to combat the burgeoning WAAAAGH! of Klubnutz da Krusha, and were about to launch a Stormraven wing, when suddenly, we heard a very loud and familiar noise. A Stormraven flew right above us, only it was blue! And then an Ultramarine stuck his head out the window and flipped us the bird!
I do believe our azure clad brothers have stolen our aircraft!
Please give them back!
Yours Frustratedly,
Marco Santino, Captain of the Blood Angels 6th Company.
Dear Marco Santino Calm down; read a book, put on your nipple tassels, drink some blood, do what ever creepy stuff you guys do. Now your calm; WHAT THE **** DO YOU THINK YOU WHINING ABOUT, GET MAD, GET ANGRY, GO CHARGE THEIR PUNY PLANET AND KILL THEM, DRINK THEIR BLOOD, GIVE ME THEIR SKULLS! -The Emperor (not Khorne okay?)
Dear abbadon,
While I would like to tell the space cadets to stop defending the galaxy, unfortunately it would crush their childhood dreams of ever becoming space marines, and who wants to do that? Moreover, I don't have a fully functioning mouth and all my brain juice is fueling this giant flashlight thingy that keeps all the roaches out of the intergalactic kitchen.
The Space Empra
Dear Sphess Empra,
How cahn hi lheern to pronunce my wherds bettah? I want to nhame the operation "steel rain" but all I cahn say is STHEEL RHAEN.
Sincerely,
Indrick Boreale
I heard about you. Angron told me how much you loved fighting, so i guess this isnt a surprise. If you are serious about this, just stop on by Terra and I'll fight.
Sincerely, Your Grandfather
PS: Please kick in Abaddon's face for me on the way over.
Sometimes after reading the great accomplishments of your 18 great sons, i wonder why your son Roboute had to divy up the Astartes as to not make them as awesome as before Horus threw a fit. What is your opinion about this?
Sometimes after reading the great accomplishments of your 18 great sons, i wonder why your son Roboute had to divy up the Astartes as to not make them as awesome as before Horus threw a fit. What is your opinion about this?
Sincerely,
A Curious Military Remembrancer
Dear remembrancer
I have been sitting here for 10,000 years mind-fighting Daemons. I honestly don't give a flying krootox what Roboute has done to my empire.
Hold on, he did what? I'll sort this out!
Selym wrote:To The Emperor of Mankind,
I CHALLENGE YOU TO A FIGHT TO THE DEATH!
-Sincerely, Kharn The Betrayer.
Sorry Kharn, Horus beat you too it!
Sincerely the Emps.
Dear Emperor
I WILL DESTROY YOU RRRRRRAAAAAAAGGGHHHHH!
Have a nice day!
I WILL DESTROY YOU RRRRRRAAAAAAAGGGHHHHH!
Have a nice day!
-Khorne
Dear Khorne,
I've been mind-battling you and all the other gods for the past ten thousand years. Even with all that, I still manage to find time to play Paradox Poker with Tzeentch, Cegoratch and Eldrad.
I really don't give a flying hive tyrant about you. I could defeat you in my sleep. Oh wait...
It is Christmas in just under 9 months, so you will have to wait until then.
This does all depend on whether you have been a good boy of course: so no sneaking up on people, no blowing people up, no headshots, no first blood, no hiding in reserves; none of it, you understand? Good - see you in 9.
Now go do the Emperor's work like a good boy.
Kind Regards,
Santa Cla---The Emperor.
-----------------------
Dear Emperor,
Why do you never call us any more?
Yours faithfully [for now],
Sister Davina, representative of the Adeptus Sororitas
I'm very sorry, I've been rather tied up with, umm....work, yes, that's it, work. *shoos away Daemonettes*
I'll see you again on Sunday. The egg whisk, the wet celery and the baby oil as usual?
Yours Apologetically,
Teh Spess Pimprah.
*RGhTrgrghrgrgrgrtttghrgrht* Dear False Emperor,
We have been marauding the materium for quite some *BLRGRRHRHRYTTTTHHGH* time now, and have wiped clean many *ggglllrgthtrgrht* worlds. We have killed, looted, burned, pillaged, violated and slaughtered our way through the *RRGGAGAGAGAHHTTTHHHHH* galaxy, all whilst screaming our throats out to the tune of the greatest rock'n'roll the universe has ever *GRGhhGhhllllttggggg* known, with our backup Daemonette band, the Hell's Bells.
One day, whilst ransacking the cathedral world of Othello IV, and giving the Sororitas Order of the Sacred Seal the best Deep Strike they've had in a *GGHHHHHTTTGLlLGGGHHHHHH* long time, we came across a hidden vault, containing an ancient *BBBLLLRRRRRRRGGGTTHHH* form of data containment from the early days of humanity, called a "CD". One of the Sisters prayed to us that we did not listen to it, for it was supposedly by a cabal of songsmiths who could make the Dark Gods wince in pain. This cabal were called *Ghhhhrtthllllll* Nickelback, and were supposedly the worst thing to grace the universe.
So we listened to it and...
It wasn't all that *GrrthGGGllll* bad.
What's all the fuss about? It's still better than "Long Haired Lover From Liverpool".
Yours *BBRLLLGGRTH* Confusedly,
Arctoros Raskar, Emperor's Children warband "Carnal Claws".
We have been marauding the materium for quite some *BLRGRRHRHRYTTTTHHGH* time now, and have wiped clean many *ggglllrgthtrgrht* worlds. We have killed, looted, burned, pillaged, violated and slaughtered our way through the *RRGGAGAGAGAHHTTTHHHHH* galaxy, all whilst screaming our throats out to the tune of the greatest rock'n'roll the universe has ever *GRGhhGhhllllttggggg* known, with our backup Daemonette band, the Hell's Bells.
One day, whilst ransacking the cathedral world of Othello IV, and giving the Sororitas Order of the Sacred Seal the best Deep Strike they've had in a *GGHHHHHTTTGLlLGGGHHHHHH* long time, we came across a hidden vault, containing an ancient *BBBLLLRRRRRRRGGGTTHHH* form of data containment from the early days of humanity, called a "CD". One of the Sisters prayed to us that we did not listen to it, for it was supposedly by a cabal of songsmiths who could make the Dark Gods wince in pain. This cabal were called *Ghhhhrtthllllll* Nickelback, and were supposedly the worst thing to grace the universe.
So we listened to it and...
It wasn't all that *GrrthGGGllll* bad.
What's all the fuss about? It's still better than "Long Haired Lover From Liverpool".
Yours *BBRLLLGGRTH* Confusedly,
Arctoros Raskar, Emperor's Children warband "Carnal Claws".
Dear Arctoros
How's it going man! Haven't seen you in ages, not since that whole thing with Horus and whatever. Man remember that time we liberated the Cheerleader Planet of Gatus VI or that weekend on the Bikini Asteroid belt?
Good times man, good times.
Anyway yeah, Nickleback... I mean what can I say I was young, just a wee lad of 2k and I thought they were the @#$%. That was before I got into Blondfire, man those guys were great.
You know today is Mother's Day but I think your gift might have gotten lost in the mail because I didn't get it.
Also I think your phone might be broken because I didn't get your call.
Your brother The Universe Emporer called. He says hi. Did you know he rules 6.67*10^23 Galaxies?
I hear you rule one galaxy but that's OK too.
How are the grandsons? Little Horus must be getting pretty tall by now and is Fulgrim still getting up his antics? I told you to put him on ritalin.
Anyway I'll be mailing your birth check soon. I hope it doesn't get lost in the mail.
Love
The Space Emporer's Mother
Hi mummy,
It has been such a long time since I got a message from. I am afraid this parcel got lost in the warp and only just reached me. I am fine, don't worry, the kids are fine, I guess.
Good call on the blood red mittens you knitted for Angron, you always know the best presents I am sure he would have loved them but is a tad too big for them now.
By the way can you tell dad to stop dislodging tyranids from his galaxies, they drift through space for ten thousand years then turn up here. Its getting quite as bother.
Miss you and love you lots.
Empy
XXXX
Dear Spase Emporer of Spase,
I am Billy an orphaned bilge technician sold for indentured service in the bowels of a Lunar cruiser somewhere in the Eastern fringe. One day while cleaning out the rats I heard a voice calling himself grandpa! I didn't know I had a grandpa, but he told me that he loved me and would look after me.
He said I worked very hard cleaning the bilges and he was very proud, but he would be more proud if I pushed the muck and ratties up to the decks rather than out the airlock. He told me that I would get to know him better by drawing three circles on my chest and saying lots of long words.
Now I am really happy, grandpa says that with my new Mark I cannot be possessed by any other power. Isn't this good news, because the warp gods cant touch me can I have a promotion? I would like to be an Adeptus Astartus and grow big and fat and slaughter all the daemons of Corn, and Zench, Slitheness or whatever his name is. All in the name of the Spase Emperor and grandpa of course.
What did grandpa tell you about talking to strangers? Oh, look at you, I'm so proud of your new Mark, and you've done such a good job filthying up your ship!
I'm so proud, I'm going to give you a special gift you can share with your friends! Why don't you go and find one of your special friends who have voices in their heads too?
That way, I can tell him those secret words I told you, and you can have a giant party with your Uncle T. and friends!
Now go, run along now, and share your new gift with everybody! Remember, this is our little secret.
With much love, Grandpa N.
Dear Grandpa Empy,
Are we adopted?
None of our cousins know who our real daddy is. And they say mean things about us, like bad Uncle Magnus is our real daddy.
They say that our daddy went out to the store and never came back. Or that Uncle Russ made him play hide-and-seek forever.
Please tell us Grandpa Empy!
None of our cousins know who our real daddy is. And they say mean things about us, like bad Uncle Magnus is our real daddy.
They say that our daddy went out to the store and never came back. Or that Uncle Russ made him play hide-and-seek forever.
Please tell us Grandpa Empy!
Love, Gabe and the Blood Ravens
Dear little Gabe,
In short yes, you're adopted. You're the sons of heretics, and should have been purged. However, you didn't seem corrupted, so I edited your Chapter's history records to make sure nobody could link you to your real dad. He was an abomination.
I've heard a lot about your Ultramarines, and I absolutely love them. I have even written about them! But I have to ask: can I become one?
Yours,
Matthew Ward.
Dear Matteus Wardius,
Unfortunately, your terrible writing has been so bad in regards to my forces that they actually gave me space cancer (which by the way, is almost impossible to catch normally, so thanks).
In short, you are a heretic who must be purged. I have sent a fleet under inquisitorial jurisdiction to call exterminatus upon you.
Yours Sincerely,
Your true Spiritual Liege. Teh Spess Emprah.
________________________________
Dear Empy,
Can I has a cookie?
From a starving young orphan on Governor Balls' planet.
Dear orphan,
Unfortunately your governor has made a mistake and you will be purged. Also, why have you not been inducted into a stormtrooper regiment?
The God-Emperor of Mankind.
------
Dear Space Emperor,
I am your loyal guardian, as you know. However, the current equipment isn't that good.
So, can we get new security cameras?
Sincerely,
Adeptus Custodes Biggus Dickus.
I am your loyal guardian, as you know. However, the current equipment isn't that good.
So, can we get new security cameras?
Sincerely,
Adeptus Custodes Biggus Dickus.
Dear Biggus Dickus,
I had requisitioned new cameras at 978.253.M40. I believe that was about a week ago, they should have arrived by now.
Yours Thankfully, The Emperor.
______________________
TO THE EMPEROR!!!
I AM KHORNE. I WISH TO THANK YOU FOR YOUR GREAT OFFERINGS OF BILLIONS OF WARRIORS TO ME, AND FOR CAUSING SO MUCH BLOODSHED THAT EVEN MY SKULL THRONE BUILDERS ARE HAVING TROUBLE KEEPING UP.
I AM KHORNE. I WISH TO THANK YOU FOR YOUR GREAT OFFERINGS OF BILLIONS OF WARRIORS TO ME, AND FOR CAUSING SO MUCH BLOODSHED THAT EVEN MY SKULL THRONE BUILDERS ARE HAVING TROUBLE KEEPING UP.
FROM KHORNE!!!
What's that? Speak up sonny, I ain't as young I used to be!
Just kidding, a little bit of humor helps the millennia of unending agony go by just a bit quicker y'know.
Now anyway, I'm not quite sure I get the point of your message, especially since this is ask the Space Emporer, not tell the Space Emporer, but I think you're under some misapprehension that my warriors are dying in your name, they're not. They're dying in my name. So I'm glad we cleared that up.
Because honestly, if you Chaos gods gained power from just war, or pleasure or decay or change regardless of why, then well, you'd be invicible and everything I did would be in vein and...
I am Hugonaut of Heff, publisher and editor in chief of Playful Juve Magazine, a leading men's entertainment periodical.
Recently I planned to do a special issues, Girls of the Adeptus Sororitas, it was going to be a very tasteful salute to the courage, faith and athleticism of those women in armor who do so much to protect us and keep up our spirits. It would also expose their rarely seen feminine side and give us a glimpse of what lies beneath their armored carapaces.
The Young Sororitas themselves were very, very eager, confirming with me several times that there would be male photographers present.
However the Canoness forbade her sisters from participating citing some obscure rule or regulation.
I was wondering if you could please put in a good word for me? I knew my trillions of loyal readers are eagerly awaiting these photos.
Yours
Hugonaut of Heff
PS I have put you down for a complimentary subscription. This month's issue, 'The Girls of Catachan' should be on its way now.
I'm afraid that the particular Sororitas you mentioned have already signed an exclusive contract with Vizium magazine. For that reason they are forbade from posing in any other publications. However, if you asked their Canoness nicely I'm sure she could find an available Order.
Oh, and thank you for the subscription. I'd been meaning to start buying your magazines a while ago, as I very much enjoyed your Tau issue, Babes in Blue, but unfortunately my attention has been taken by my usual duties.
Yours Helpfully,
Teh Spess Emprah.
Dear Mr Emperor,
Have you heard the good news? Christ's second coming is imminent, and soon the day of judgement shall be at hand\?
Would you like a leaflet? It has offers for discounts on guaranteed passage into heaven and novelty crucifixes.
Have you heard the good news? Christ's second coming is imminent, and soon the day of judgement shall be at hand\?
Would you like a leaflet? It has offers for discounts on guaranteed passage into heaven and novelty crucifixes.
Do consider joining us!
Yours,
The Church of Jehovah's Witnesses.
Dear Mr. Witless
(see what I did there)
You seem to forget, I'm 40,000 years old. I remember Jesus' first coming. And his second. And his third. By his eighth or ninth I was pretty sick of the whole thing and so was he. I mean we spent his whole tenth coming in a bar on Jupiter drinking and betting on the space ponies. I don't even remember his eleventh or twelth coming.
So yeah, next time he's back tell him to drop on by we'll do lunch.
Teh Emporer of Space and Oldest Guy in the Universe
+++++++++++++++++++++++++
My most esteemed master
Recently I met with the Chapter Master to plan our new offensive against the Heretics of Heretic World 7. As we were discussing how to penetrate their fortress the Chapter Master suggested we use Centurions.
I humbly asked how an archaic Legion rank would help us and everyone looked at me like I was nuts.
Finally the Chapter Master suggested I look in Wargear Vault XVII.
But I told him there are only XVI wargear vaults, and as Master of the Armory I would know wouldn't I?
But still he told me to look.
So I passed Wargear Vault XV filled with Thunderfire Cannons and Land Speeder Storms (which I swear was not there a few years ago)
Then I passed Wargear Vault XVI with its Storm Ravens and Storm Talons (and I swear that was not there a few months ago)
And I arrived a door marked Vault XVII!
And I KNOW that was not there yesterday.
But when I opened it it was filled with some kind of Super Space Marine suit. No, not terminator armor, another NEW super space marine suit!
I tried to ask the Chapter Master about them but he just said we always had them. Then he said shut up and stop asking questions.
So I turn to you, the all-knowing Emperor of Space. What's going on here? Is he nuts? Or am I?
Recently I met with the Chapter Master to plan our new offensive against the Heretics of Heretic World 7. As we were discussing how to penetrate their fortress the Chapter Master suggested we use Centurions.
I humbly asked how an archaic Legion rank would help us and everyone looked at me like I was nuts.
Finally the Chapter Master suggested I look in Wargear Vault XVII.
But I told him there are only XVI wargear vaults, and as Master of the Armory I would know wouldn't I?
But still he told me to look.
So I passed Wargear Vault XV filled with Thunderfire Cannons and Land Speeder Storms (which I swear was not there a few years ago)
Then I passed Wargear Vault XVI with its Storm Ravens and Storm Talons (and I swear that was not there a few months ago)
And I arrived a door marked Vault XVII!
And I KNOW that was not there yesterday.
But when I opened it it was filled with some kind of Super Space Marine suit. No, not terminator armor, another NEW super space marine suit!
I tried to ask the Chapter Master about them but he just said we always had them. Then he said shut up and stop asking questions.
So I turn to you, the all-knowing Emperor of Space. What's going on here? Is he nuts? Or am I?
Yours
Brother Colt Westin
Master of the Armory
Dear Brother Colt Westin,
First of all, are you sure they weren't there before?
Have you been taking any illicit substances?
Maybe that's it then.
- The Super space Saiyan
I've sent many of my best inquisitors to the GW headquarters, but to no avail. Perhaps, someday I shall return from my throne, and continue my crusade against those fiends and we shall all learn the truth!
Your Favorite God-Emperor
The Emperor
Dear Emperor
Could we not simply clone you a new body? The Magos just glares at me with his laser eye(and it really hurts) when I bring up the subject. Then he hits me, and says get back to shooting the charging orks.
Could we not simply clone you a new body? The Magos just glares at me with his laser eye(and it really hurts) when I bring up the subject. Then he hits me, and says get back to shooting the charging orks.
Your Illegitimate Love Child
Fral Leman
My dear son, I know not of any "illegitimate" sons, as I am the religion and law of humanity. Everything do is perfectly legal and holds the moral highground.
As for cloning me a new body, the truth of the matter is that my mind and soul are too powerful for a replicated version of my original form, or for any body created through biological means.
If, however you were to find me some necrodermis, I would be very grateful.
- Your eternal (legal) father,
Teh Spess Emprah.
______________________________________-
Dear Mr Empy,
Why are we guardsmen always given the worst equipment in the galaxy?
Why are we guardsmen always given the worst equipment in the galaxy?
Yours sincerely,
Pvt. Abouttokasplode.
I don't know what you could possible mean.
As we all know Eldar equipment is ancient and obsolete, necron even more so, ork gear is crude and unreliable, tyranids don't even have equipment just bugs holding bugs that shoot bugs, and marine gear far too expensive for mass production.
As a single father of 18 boys (plus 2 or 3 I seem to have lost track of) I always try to follow the advice laid down in "The Big Book of Fatherhood Tips" by the Space Emporer himself.
For example recently I was in the basement working on my Warhammer 2k army (I have 3000 points of Ground Space Marines and an allied force of 1500 points of NYPD) and I left very strict instructions not to be disturbed. But my son Mags insisted on coming downstairs to tattle tale on my other son Horry. So I yelled at him and then had my other other son Lee beat him up and break all his toys.
Just as you advise on Page 352.
But since then Mags hasn't spoken to me and Horry seems to be running with a bad crowd.
As a single father of 18 boys (plus 2 or 3 I seem to have lost track of) I always try to follow the advice laid down in "The Big Book of Fatherhood Tips" by the Space Emporer himself.
For example recently I was in the basement working on my Warhammer 2k army (I have 3000 points of Ground Space Marines and an allied force of 1500 points of NYPD) and I left very strict instructions not to be disturbed. But my son Mags insisted on coming downstairs to tattle tale on my other son Horry. So I yelled at him and then had my other other son Lee beat him up and break all his toys.
Just as you advise on Page 352.
But since then Mags hasn't spoken to me and Horry seems to be running with a bad crowd.
Did I err?
Sincerely
Single Father on Sigma Farstar
Dear human.
As you shall find on page 666, paragraph 7, line 4, ignoring your father, or rebelling against him is a heresy. Therefore, I suggest you contact the local arbites force to execute your sons.
It is for the best, as we don't want the empire falling apart again, now do we?
Yours lovingly, Teh Spess Emprah
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Dear mr emps.
I'm about to be executed for heresy, because I said sausages looked like dicks. The guardsman who told on me quoted me word for word. Should he be executed too?
I don't know why that what you said is considered heresy, the fact is most sausages do indeed look like dicks(some even being made from them in the dark times on Terra).
Give this letter to your executor.
Dear Executor
This is your God-Emperor, and you've been mislead by an agent of chaos. Execute the guardsman that sought to make a fool of me, the one who reported this heresy in the first place.
Hope this helps
Your Favorite Emperor of Space
The God-Emperor.
----
Dear Emperor
I'm almost out of ammo, and they're almost through the bulkhead, send help!
I'm almost out of ammo, and they're almost through the bulkhead, send help!
Your Favorite Guardsman
Guardsman Bob
Dear Guardsman Bob,
Fear not, help is on its way! I've ordered a fleet of Imperial Navy to assist you. Currently they're re-fueling their ships by dumping dozens of psykers into the warp drive.
They should be out of the docks within 24 hours, and will take a warp jump that lasts only 6 months in real time!
They should reach you shortly.
Unhelpfully, the emprah of spessssssssssssssssssss
_________________________________
TODA EMPRAH OF SPESS
I IZ A ORK AND IZ GONNA KILL YU KOZ YU IZ DA UMIEZ BIG BOSS!!
I don't know how you got this address, but I shall answer you regardless of your message not containing a question.
No, you will not kill me.
With that said, I would like you to enjoy the "special" squig meat that is attached to this parchment. It's guaranteed to blow you away.
--
Dear Emperor
It's been a few months since I received your last message, and as you know I've yet to join you. Indeed, I've managed to survive on this (now) space hulk for quiet a while. I've taken to eating Tyranid meat, but that stuff is horrible, and I've run out of toilet paper.
Is there anything I can use for toilet paper in cargo room #23? I've thought of searching that location, but it's dangerous and I'd like too know if it's worth the risk.
It's been a few months since I received your last message, and as you know I've yet to join you. Indeed, I've managed to survive on this (now) space hulk for quiet a while. I've taken to eating Tyranid meat, but that stuff is horrible, and I've run out of toilet paper.
Is there anything I can use for toilet paper in cargo room #23? I've thought of searching that location, but it's dangerous and I'd like too know if it's worth the risk.
Your Favorite Guardsman
Guardsman Bob
Dear Guardsman Bob,
First, thank you for your service.
Secondly, no one knows how important toilet paper is as much as I do what with me sitting on the Throne for 10 million years or whatever. So I totally sympathize with your plight.
You'll be glad to know that Cargo Room 23 contains several boxes of death notifications which are required for the families of your lost comrades to collect their generous death benefits. They're also printed on quite soft paper and should meet your needs.
Remember to charge your las gun though, and always, always, always check those vent grates. You never know when a ripper is going to jump out.
Yours in sympathy
The Emporer in Chief
-----------------------------------
Help me Teh Space Emporer you're only my hope!
My world is under siege by the horrid Xenos known as Orks! I have petitioned the High Lords of Terra for assistance calling for Regiments of the Imperial Guard and especially the elite Storm Trooper battallions! But my request was returned saying there was 'No such entity in the Imperium of Man'!
How can this be? The Imperial Guard has been the Hammer of the Emperor and the Shield of Humanity for over 10,000 Light Years since the dark days of the Horus Heresy when the Imperial Army was restructured! How can any sane person claim there is no such entity!
Please Teh Space Emporer, help us!
Governor Augustus Pompus Regallus Fakus Latinus Namus
Nova Pompei Primus
Deer Puny Humie
Az uzual, da boyz iz too much for ya I see. Make sure you give em a good fight! Ain't nobody comin ta..
Mork, get out
Dear Governor
As usual this confusion has spawned from the foul machinations of the ruinous powers. Time and causality are like diverse streams flowing into the same river. It would appear that Tzeentch has simply tweaked continuity and caused the Guard to be renamed into something silly and gothic. (He seems to think it's funny, it's kind of sad really.)
Rest assured aside from this minor hiccup in the fabric of reality, the universe remains exactly the same as you remember it. A battalion of squats has been dispersed to your locale. (There's always plenty around.)
_____________________________________________________________________
Dearest Teh Emprah
When you finally die, what's gonna happen? Also, can I have your stuff?
Sincerly Smapdi, over 8
When I eventually die, the universe will collapse. No more soldiers will be trained, no more enemies will arise, and no more books will be written. Any who survive the collapse will use books, and soldiers of old to continue a fruitless battle. Once the last memories of our great past are gone, there will only be silence.
Sadly, now that you know this, I cannot permit you to live. *You're head blows up*
----
Dear Emperor
After several months of tyranids, 'toilet paper', and no showers, I've finally made it off that Space Hulk! Praise be to you! Sadly, you're mercy has delivered me into the hands of Dark Eldar space pirates. I've heard them talk about removing some of my parts, and replacing them with other things.
Please send more help.
You're Favorite Guardsman
Guardsman Fral Bob Leman
Unfortunately we cannot aid you against the Dark eldar, if it weren't for my meddling kids I would have built a webway portal capable of sending aid directly to you. But gak happens so all I can actually do is give you a posthumous promotion and send a card to your family. Enjoy eternal tentacles.
Yours sincerely, The Emperor of Mankind. Titles, titles etc etc.
Dear Lord of Mankind,
Your health insurance with BUPA healthcare is about to expire. We would like to take this moment to thank you for you loyalty to the company, however we have decided to decline your request for another 10 millennia on life support systems to cut down on our carbon footprint. Have a nice day.
Yours sincerely Mr Alpharius definintlynotprimarchofthealphalegion. Head of BUPA
Dear Alpharius, you sneaky little rascal of a son,
Don't worry. I reinstated Britain yesterday and I'm on the NHS now. Unlimited free healthcare is wonderful.
Which reminds me, I must make a chapter of Space Marines inspired by Beefeaters. Shame bears went extinct last Tuesday...
Yours smugly (and incredibly Britishly),
The Spess Emprah.
Dear Worthless Corpse,
I'm suffering from a severe stress disorder. Whenever I see a METAL BAWKS- sorry, Rhino based vehicle, I suffer from horrible fits of rage and anger. It's giving rise to concerns amongst my own legion and is scaring my wife. The last time I had one of these panic attacks, I got a letter from Khorne recommending anger management therapy.
What do I do? I can't carry on being a Chaos Lord of the Alpha Legion with this irrational hatred of MEEEEEETAAAAAAAL BAAAAWWWWKSES- sorry, tanks...
I'm suffering from a severe stress disorder. Whenever I see a METAL BAWKS- sorry, Rhino based vehicle, I suffer from horrible fits of rage and anger. It's giving rise to concerns amongst my own legion and is scaring my wife. The last time I had one of these panic attacks, I got a letter from Khorne recommending anger management therapy.
What do I do? I can't carry on being a Chaos Lord of the Alpha Legion with this irrational hatred of MEEEEEETAAAAAAAL BAAAAWWWWKSES- sorry, tanks...
Yours furiously (and apologetically),
Firaeveus Carron of the Alpha Legion.
Dear Freddie
Oh #$%^ing tell me about it!
I mean I remember telling Roboute that the Space Marine rides should have some flair like those awesome Tauroxen the IG got, but he was all 'Rhinos are tactically superior' and blah blah blah. But when I see them, all I can see is soccer mom minivans.
Sometimes I hear voices in the distance, they sound like my old friends Al-Rahem and Chenkov, but I can never quite hear them or find where the voices are coming from.
You fought the good fight, and it's time for you and your fellow warriors to rest. Look for a light and follow it, for it is my light, the Light of Terra. Here you shall find peace, until the end of days. And when that end comes, the living world will have need of you once more.
Your God Emperor.
---
Dear Emperor
I fear I can no longer sit down, or walk on my feet. The sinful pleasure is to much to bear. However, I'd like to thank you for reminding me of the webway. I was able to escape though one on a stolen hover board thing.
I'm currently being hunted on an unknown jungle world, and once again I need help. Any help will be appreciated.
Dear guardsman Bob,
You have in your hands alien technology and so shall be exterminated! Aliens are Xenos, and unclean. Purge the Unclean!
Dear Emperor,
My ship has been lost for five hundred years and I have come out of the warp with a giant space-octopus latched onto our craft.
What should I do?
Regards,
The small orphaned child trooper Finn with only a bayonet.
I'm afraid your simply going to have to write a letter of goodbyes to princess bubble gum and Jake, princess rainicorn and all your friends. Enjoy giving your life for the greater good of Mankind and I shall see you in heaven, or sovngarde or wherever it is we go.
Dear random Cultist,
Go worship your outlandish Gods but don't come whining back to me when you endure a lifetime of torture and madness.
Sincerely, the Emperor.
Dear man on the Golden Throne,
I AM MADLY IN LOVE WITH YOU! BE MINE FOREVER AND EVER FOR ETERNITY!
Love from,
The Sisters of Battle.
The Sisters of Battle's letter is burned before reaching the Emperor. The fire is used to warm the throne.
"There never seems to be an end to these fan letters." He thinks to himself.
baxter123 wrote: Dear guardsman Bob,
You have in your hands alien technology and so shall be exterminated! Aliens are Xenos, and unclean. Purge the Unclean!
Dear Emperor
Please don't exterminate me, I'm just trying to survive so that I may serve you. I managed to find an old imperial outpost, but the comms array is dead.
I come to you instead of the 'machine god' asking, where can I find something to fix it?
Your Favorite, and Irreplaceable Guardsman
Guardsmen Bob
Please don't exterminate me, I'm just trying to survive so that I may serve you. I managed to find an old imperial outpost, but the comms array is dead.
I come to you instead of the 'machine god' asking, where can I find something to fix it?
Your Favorite, and Irreplaceable Guardsman
Guardsmen Bob
What do you mean "instead of the 'machine god' " I thought I was the machine god. I know I'm the omnisaiah, aren't they the same thing?
Someone should really straighten that out one of these days.
Anyway I think the problem is in order to activate the 'coms array' you need an ancient and lost item known only as a 'dime'.
Check your pockets.
Yours,
E
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Dear the Space Emperor
Hi it's me, Astra Militarus Sergeant Kanon Foddor, you may remember me from when you gave us your blessing upon the founding of our regiment 3 months ago.
Wow time does fly. Back then I was a wet-behind-the-ears conscript and today I'm a Veteran Sergeant leading the 10 surviving members of our 3000-man company.
Anyway in all my time serving on the Astra Militarus I sometimes hear the older officers like Col Falconne (he's pusing the big 3-0 now, and spent 2/3 of his life in the Militarus) talk about something called the Umpire Guardians. Apparently they have all sorts of equipment the Astra Militarus doesn't like Griffons, Meduas and Collossuses. And they have some pretty awesome-sounding guys too like Sly Marbo and Col Chenkov.
I've asked around but no one seems to know much. Not even old Smithy who just got his 6 month campaign badge.
Do you know where we could find these Umpire Guardians? We sure could use their help these days!
Hi it's me, Astra Militarus Sergeant Kanon Foddor, you may remember me from when you gave us your blessing upon the founding of our regiment 3 months ago.
Wow time does fly. Back then I was a wet-behind-the-ears conscript and today I'm a Veteran Sergeant leading the 10 surviving members of our 3000-man company.
Anyway in all my time serving on the Astra Militarus I sometimes hear the older officers like Col Falconne (he's pusing the big 3-0 now, and spent 2/3 of his life in the Militarus) talk about something called the Umpire Guardians. Apparently they have all sorts of equipment the Astra Militarus doesn't like Griffons, Meduas and Collossuses. And they have some pretty awesome-sounding guys too like Sly Marbo and Col Chenkov.
I've asked around but no one seems to know much. Not even old Smithy who just got his 6 month campaign badge.
Do you know where we could find these Umpire Guardians? We sure could use their help these days!
Sincerely
Confounded in Cadia
Dear CiC,
Unfortunately the Chaos god of Retconning has been rampaging around the universe this past decade, and has been eliminating a lot of awesome shiz, and there seems to be nothing I can do about it. :C
Hey there, Chapter Master Steve of the Really Awesome Guys here and you'll never guess why I'm writing.
So like, the other day I was fighting some bad guys and all of the sudden my chainsaw-sword thing jammed, probably from all the badguy blood and gore and bones in it. I really should clean it more.
Anyway there I am surrounded by bad guys and a jammed chainsaw-sword thing and I'm like oh @#$%. So I reach down to grab my combat knife and I find this holster thing. And I open it and I pull out a GUN!
And I'm like, holy #@$%, I have a gun?! When did this happen?
So I aim it and shoot a bad guy from like 10' away. He didn't even get to use his chainsaw-axe thing.
Then I shoot like five more bad guys.
So I get on the vox thing and tell all the good guys, hey, check your belts, you might have a gun!
And they did!
The bad guys didn't even get to use their axe-club-sword things!
So we like shot all the bad guys and went back to our fortress-clubhouse-thing and I ordered a top to bottom inventory of the whole place and do you know what I found? We have lots of guns!
Not just dinky little pistols and rifles, I mean we have missile launchers and lazor cannons and heat rays and some kind of gun that as far as I can tell shoots @#$%ing gravity at people. How cool is that?
Then Timmy, one of the intern-scout-cannon fodder kids he calls me over and you know what he found in the basment? AIRPLANES! We have airplanes! I mean just last month we were supposed to relieve those puny human guys but it took us like 2 weeks to drive there and getting ambushed and stuff so when we got there they were all dead and stuff. But if I'd know we had airplanes? We could've been there in like an hour.
AND THEN Bobby he comes up to me and is all like 'look up'. So I did. Do you know what I saw? We have SPACESHIPS! Mother-$%^&ing spaceships with like guns on them with shells the size of locomotives!
And I'm like so why have we been running around on planets getting our boots muddy and stuff when we could sit in orbit and blow the #$%^ out of the bad guys?
And no one knew.
So I'm writing all the Space Marines, CHECK YOUR BASEMENTS, check your attics, check your storage sheds, you might have all kinds of guns and airplanes and space ships lying around you never even knew about. You don't have to drive around in a minivan and hit people with a chainsaw-sword thing all the time!
Anyway i thought you'd want to know.
Chapter Master Steve
Chapter Master
The Really Awesome Guys
Hey there, Chapter Master Steve of the Really Awesome Guys here and you'll never guess why I'm writing.
[...]
Anyway i thought you'd want to know.
Chapter Master Steve
Chapter Master
The Really Awesome Guys
Ah, CM Steve of TRAG,
In the warp there are gods, and each god has his opposite. Recently we've been hit by a storm from the God of Retcons, but in his wake the God of Additions came along and compensated us with tons of crap from everywhere () !
These are some of the things we didn't have yesterday, but have now been around for centuries/millennia:
-Centurions
-Grav-weapons
-Imperial Knight-walkers-things
-Aircraft of various kinds
-The Ass... Astra Mi.... Assface Imperial Guardsmen
-Tauroxes (Holy cow, we made those!? I need some alcohol...)
-Reams and reams of things we should have used ages ago, but didn't because Spehss Paradoxes.
Hey there big guy, this is Guardsman 2nd Class Joe, of the 18,535 Cadian Rifles. You might remember me, I was the guy last week who promised he'd never touch drink or dice again if you got him out of that little situation back here. Wanna thank you for that by the way. And true to my word I never touched drink since.
Oh it don't count as touching if I wear gloves right? just checking here.
Anyhoo, last week me and the boys invited over some of the lovely ladies from the 36th Venutian Valkyries to play a little game of 'airlocks and boarding torpedos' if you know what I mean. Well we'd just gotten to the 'drop shields' part of the game, if you know what I mean, when the Commissar busted in!
Well long story short he put us on 10 days of hard labor for being 'out of uniform' if you know what I mean. And hey, it's a fair cop.
But seriously, how come he got to take the Valkyries back to the command tent 'for further questioning' if you know what I mean? I mean ain't he supposed to be a pargon of virtue and suchwot?
There is nothing wrong with human sexuality in of itself. The only objectors to it are typically those who follow ill informed superstitions which you shouldn't, by the way. Rest assured the Emperor approves of you enjoying the fairer sex. However, engaging in coitus with another Imperial Guardsman is bad for morale and could potentially hospitalize another soldier wasting precious resources and taking a pair of boots out of the fight. Please reserve your pent up frustration for local women or, in a pinch, your hand.
As for your Commissar he is an individual who is clearly corrupt in mind. He is abusing his power and taking advantage of people under his command. Please report his behavior to the Departmento Munitorum. Or, alternatively, show him this letter. If he is truly loyal to me then he will execute himself for violation of protocol.
Have a good day,
The Immortal Emperor of Mankind.
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Dear Emperor,
Why do you continue to give your warriors inferior weapons, vehicles and training? Wouldn't it be more sensible to equip all of them with carapace armor and bolters? Surely your vast pool fo resources would allow you to equip your armies with such technology. I don't really see the logic in reserving the technology for a pitifully few amount of individuals. Then again, the relationship between you Mon'keigh and logic is like the relationship with Orks and Marksmanship.
Yours truly,
An anonymous Eldar Autarch.
P.S: If you can please restrict the distribution of human/eldar pornography. It is getting creepy now how many prisoners of war expect a sexual experience.
Why do you continue to give your warriors inferior weapons, vehicles and training? Wouldn't it be more sensible to equip all of them with carapace armor and bolters? Surely your vast pool fo resources would allow you to equip your armies with such technology. I don't really see the logic in reserving the technology for a pitifully few amount of individuals. Then again, the relationship between you Mon'keigh and logic is like the relationship with Orks and Marksmanship.
Yours truly,
An anonymous Eldar Autarch.
P.S: If you can please restrict the distribution of human/eldar pornography. It is getting creepy now how many prisoners of war expect a sexual experience.
Dear Autarch,
First off, I must say, DIE XENOS DIE!!
Now that that's out of the way, I can tell you that in the past few milennia, despite my original wishes, the technology of my empire has stagnated, and is being hoarded. If I were able to speak, my Guardsmen would all have far superior technology, but as it is, the technologyis being held by some robotic a$$holes on Mars.
I have been executing cowards and heretics in my regiment all week non-stop, and I'm beginning to lose my faith in you and humanity. And Guardsmen.
Can you help me, please?
I have been executing cowards and heretics in my regiment all week non-stop, and I'm beginning to lose my faith in you and humanity. And Guardsmen.
Can you help me, please?
- Lord Commissar Varoth
Ha! Tell me about it!
I mean nothing quite like having your most beloved son show up at your doorstep with an army of daemons to kind of make you question any faith or hope you might have had.
But you know, time heals all wounds and after 10k years I have to look back and laugh. I mean really, ignoring Magnus' warning? Sending Leman to trash his planet cause he woke me up from a nap? Yeah let's just say mistakes were made and move on.
So next time you execute some mutant, traitor, heretic guardsman just stop and think of the billions and trillions of loyal guardsmen out there and shrug. This guy isn't even a rounding error. Any in any case who'll even care in a 1000 years or so.
So um, there's been talk lately, something about a new edition and I was thinking you know maybe it's time?
I mean we've been waiting a while now, kind of a long while. I mean the Jockero came back, that's how long we've been waiting.
And you know steam punk is big now, real big. What with the land trains and gyro copters we were doing steam punk before it was even a thing. We could have like steam punk fliers and steam punk tunnelers and steam punk mining suits. You could get a slice of that Privateer Press money.
Plus Mantic already did a Forge Fathers army and you don't want them to eat your lunch do you?
So I have some concept art I can send you if you're interested. I mean maybe a full codex is a bit much, but maybe a data slate or a Tau ally or something?
Um let me know. I'll be waiting by the phone. Just um call. OK?
Sincerely
Squaticus S. Squatson
Squat City
Squatworld
Truly yours,
The Immortal Venerable God Emperor of Mankind.
Dear Emperor,
I.. I don't know who else to talk to. I mean, the Commissar is going to shoot me if I ask and my officer won't give me the time of day but.. okay, here is my question. I got a little dirt on that square that you aren't supposed to get dirty. What do I do?! Should I just take someone else's Uplifting Primer and pretend to be them?
I.. I don't know who else to talk to. I mean, the Commissar is going to shoot me if I ask and my officer won't give me the time of day but.. okay, here is my question. I got a little dirt on that square that you aren't supposed to get dirty. What do I do?! Should I just take someone else's Uplifting Primer and pretend to be them?
Forever in your service,
Guardsman Tek Gendar
Oh dear are they still doing that?
Oh that funny, oh my me, that's hysterical, and you're like totally freaked out about it aren't you? Mierda! I almost bust a guy laughing and when you're 40k years old that's a big deal.
OK here's the deal, bout 10k years ago I was hanging out with the guys and fighting I dunno, the Klingons or something, and like this guardsman guy comes by and asks for my autograph. Now we were fighting on some mud planet or something so everything was filthy, I mean I had mud in my solid gold underpants. But his little Primer thing has one spot that was clean so i signed it there.
Oh man, I bet they're all like 'this is the sacred spot the Emporer signed' so funny.
Anyway you can tell the Commissar it's all cool. Besides, by the time you read this you'll have already been killed in a massive retalitory bombardment.
Sorry about that.
Thanks for the laugh
The Emp
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
My lord and master
Hey uh, we're fighting the bugs now, not the little kind, the big planet eating ones, forget what they're called, and uh it ain't going so hot.
In fact we're pretty much losing.
So uh, this guy, Mr. Bart Thirster he's uh telling me he can help me out and squish all the bugs. I just have to say one simple word to him and give him a little something I don't even use.
So uh, is that cool?
I think there's some kind of rule against it but I'm not sure.
Hey uh, we're fighting the bugs now, not the little kind, the big planet eating ones, forget what they're called, and uh it ain't going so hot.
In fact we're pretty much losing.
So uh, this guy, Mr. Bart Thirster he's uh telling me he can help me out and squish all the bugs. I just have to say one simple word to him and give him a little something I don't even use.
So uh, is that cool?
I think there's some kind of rule against it but I'm not sure.
I uh kind of need an answer soon.
Your Faithful Servant
Brother Librarian Ezekiel
Zeke Zeke Zeke,
You know what they say, you can't win 'em all. Truth is, we're not doing too good on any front Zeke my boy. The bottom line is, numbers are down. Been going down for a while now actually. Sure we get a temporary boost from each successive super duper limited edition of the Lectitio Divinitatus we publish but ... well, I just want more. If you're not pushing ahead, you're falling behind am I right? To that end, I am glad to hear about this exciting opportunity presented by Mr. Thirster. I think you two should spend more time together. Hit up those bug guys you mentioned, too. The Blonde Angels, Blood Anals? ... er, Blood Angels, yeah, the Blood Angels have made some gains on this topic with the Terminator guys. Man, T2 was a good movie. I'm gonna go watch that now.
So lets keep those numbers up,
E to the Mperor
+ + + + +
Esteemed Gue'Va,
Wanna be B(attle)B(rothers)F(orever)? If so, I'll let you play with all my gundams.
Wanna be B(attle)B(rothers)F(orever)? If so, I'll let you play with all my gundams.
check Y or N
Y __
N __
Sorry you are who again?
I've really not kept up with my reading, I still have reports from M34 to go through.
Let me ask my right hand dude Calgar to take this one...
Hi, yeah, oh this is so awkward...
I mean like, at first I met you guys and you were short and you had big guns I was like
I mean you were like my old buddies the Squats. Whatever happened to those guys? i never see them around any more.
But over time your lack of rivets, the fish fettish, the cannibal chickens, and the fact you're disgusting godless xenos just wore at me. I hate to say it but... It's over.
I've got a new man in my life now and he's everything you're not. He can actually win an assault for one.
Brad, come over and say hi.
S'up yo
Well there you go Mister Dow was it? How that helps.
Dear Human #A6273Q431,
I prefer to listen to the screams of untrained psychics plugged into my arcane Golden Toilet to help with the eternal struggle against my most Holy, rebelling, traitorous bowels. I find it quite stimulating.
Teh Spaaaaaace Emprah
PS. You don't know where I could find some psykers, eh?
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Dear Emprah,
Excuse me, but I'm really tearing mt hair out over this next deployment. My squad sergeant's a psychopath, my Commissar and medic wanted to surrender when we were ambushed, my best friend is obsessed with explosions, and there's all these wierd hydra symbols on this city's streets. I don't know what's going on. Should I:
A) Pray to the God Emprah
B) Pray to the God Emprah
C) Assume it's Alpha Legion and kill my squad in your name.
D) Pray to the God Emprah
Dear Brave Guardsman Who Is Sadly Lacking In Vertebrae:
I'm afraid you're correct, there is something very fishy going on. Judging by the Hydras, I'd either say Alpha Legion or Game of Thrones fans. I'm not sure which is worse.
May I recommend option E: Kill your squad, call the Inquisition, pray to me (optional) and then shoot yourself. It's better than sticking around for the debates on which house is best I can assure you.
(Hint: Starks = Best)
Yours Lovingly,
God-Emprah.
Dear God-Emperor of Mankind,
You will not believe what just happened today!
So, I was sitting around in my palace playing Shadowrun with my usual gaming group when this Daemonette runs in screaming about some big scary man in shiny armour breaking everything. I assume it's some Korne demon or something so I tell her not to worry about it- the Fiends will probably eat it anyway. So I go back to my game when suddenly the same Daemonette returns, screaming that this guy has gotten to the central palace. So I realize something's wrong and tell everybody to evacuate. Everybody runs for it and I'm the only one left and this guy is beating down the door. Whatever it is must be pretty scary so I turn into the first thing I can think of...which happens to be a little boy. Anyway, he kicks in the door and to my surprise it's Kaldor Draigo! I'm standing there trying to keep a calm face, and he comes over to me and...
Well, this is where it gets weird.
He doesn't decapitate me or write his name on my heart or anything. No, he goes all watery-eyed and waxes lyrical about how enchantingly beautiful I am and how he would never harm me and how his soul belongs to me. I'm just standing there in total shock and then he kisses my hand, swears fealty to me and leaves.
I feel a little violated- and not in the good way.
So, uh, did I just corrupt him with my whole "destroys the mind of any who look upon me" schtick or is Kaldor Draigo into that kind of thing? I sincerely hope it's the former. Either way, I think you might want to give your Grey Knights a thorough inspection. And possibly ask the chapter serfs if they recall being touched inappropriately.
I feel dirty. I think I'm going to have N'Kari give me a sponge bath.
So, I was sitting around in my palace playing Shadowrun with my usual gaming group when this Daemonette runs in screaming about some big scary man in shiny armour breaking everything. I assume it's some Korne demon or something so I tell her not to worry about it- the Fiends will probably eat it anyway. So I go back to my game when suddenly the same Daemonette returns, screaming that this guy has gotten to the central palace. So I realize something's wrong and tell everybody to evacuate. Everybody runs for it and I'm the only one left and this guy is beating down the door. Whatever it is must be pretty scary so I turn into the first thing I can think of...which happens to be a little boy. Anyway, he kicks in the door and to my surprise it's Kaldor Draigo! I'm standing there trying to keep a calm face, and he comes over to me and...
Well, this is where it gets weird.
He doesn't decapitate me or write his name on my heart or anything. No, he goes all watery-eyed and waxes lyrical about how enchantingly beautiful I am and how he would never harm me and how his soul belongs to me. I'm just standing there in total shock and then he kisses my hand, swears fealty to me and leaves.
I feel a little violated- and not in the good way.
So, uh, did I just corrupt him with my whole "destroys the mind of any who look upon me" schtick or is Kaldor Draigo into that kind of thing? I sincerely hope it's the former. Either way, I think you might want to give your Grey Knights a thorough inspection. And possibly ask the chapter serfs if they recall being touched inappropriately.
I feel dirty. I think I'm going to have N'Kari give me a sponge bath.
Yours Disturbedly,
Slaanesh.
My Dear Slaanesh,
Your beauty is REDACTED
REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED
REDACTED
REDACTED
REDACTED
REDACTED REDACTED
REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED
-Your ever REDACTED REDACTED Emperor of Mankind.
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To: The False Emperor
Please stop sending more reinforcements to cadia, We have already won, and all of chaos has been defeated, but it's becoming a logistical nigtmare keeping up with al the men and machines here.
To: The False Emperor
Please stop sending more reinforcements to cadia, We have already won, and all of chaos has been defeated, but it's becoming a logistical nigtmare keeping up with al the men and machines here.
TYVM, Abadd-
... I mean... Lord Solar.
Nice try my son but it is almost like you want to lose. Next i'm sure that a large horse shaped titan will be left outside the cadian headquaters. ____________________________
Dear carrion lord.
]This is Alpharius. Just writeing in to remind you to on current front wait existence terminus. Also P.S could you please tell your custodes push modern refuse existence mortarium.
Thanks for the previous advice! The Commissar only had me beaten to an inch of my life for bothering you with stupid questions rather than shoot me. But I have another question for you. This one a little more private.
Today we were attacked by a group of Dark Eldar. Boy, did those Leman Russ Punisher gunners enjoy themselves! It was like watching a kid playing with his favorite toy. Kind of creepy, to be honest. Anyway, after they scythed through most of my company in a blink of an eye (This was before the Leman Russ Punishers showed up, mind you) I caught a glance at one of them. I never felt so attracted to something before in my life. Is this heresy? Should I just light myself on fire and save the Commissar a bolt round for my heresy? Or just slit my own throat to save your promethium? Any advice would be appreciated!
Faithfully yours,
Sergeant Tek Gendar (I got promoted! :-D)
Thanks for the previous advice! The Commissar only had me beaten to an inch of my life for bothering you with stupid questions rather than shoot me. But I have another question for you. This one a little more private.
Today we were attacked by a group of Dark Eldar. Boy, did those Leman Russ Punisher gunners enjoy themselves! It was like watching a kid playing with his favorite toy. Kind of creepy, to be honest. Anyway, after they scythed through most of my company in a blink of an eye (This was before the Leman Russ Punishers showed up, mind you) I caught a glance at one of them. I never felt so attracted to something before in my life. Is this heresy? Should I just light myself on fire and save the Commissar a bolt round for my heresy? Or just slit my own throat to save your promethium? Any advice would be appreciated!
Faithfully yours,
Sergeant Tek Gendar (I got promoted! :-D)
Dear Sergeant Tek Gendar,
Firstly WELL DONE! Now you can lead people
I do not blame you son, damn those Eldar and their mystical beauty.
Reminds me of the time when I was in the Great Crusades... Nevermind; another story for another time.
But you do need to repent, BLOOD FOR THE BL-
Oh... I mean Emperor.
Anyway, just cut your arm off and flay yourself and you will be repented by me. Or turn yourself over to the Inquisition!
You need to be alive, for I need faithful servants to lead the unfaithful into battle.
Yours truly, The Emperor
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Dear The Emperor,
I am a new Guardsman, and recently I have had feelings for the woman Inquisition official that has been following our regiment around for the past few months.
I mean her purple claws, those dazzling vocal chords that can blow your ear-drums and her purple shifting skin...
I think she is a servant of darkness... Can I have your blessing to marry her and join Chaos..?
I am a new Guardsman, and recently I have had feelings for the woman Inquisition official that has been following our regiment around for the past few months.
I mean her purple claws, those dazzling vocal chords that can blow your ear-drums and her purple shifting skin...
I think she is a servant of darkness... Can I have your blessing to marry her and join Chaos..?
Yours sincerely,
Trooper no. 923-2473348ui2
Dear Trooper no. 923-2473348ui2,
First off congratulations on your new career as one of the Emperor's Finest! let me tell you the Imperial Guard, or the Astra Whateverthefutz is truly one of my most valued force, I mean after the Space Marines of course. Or the Militarium Whateverthefutz. And the Arbites. And the Imperial Knights. And the Mechanicum. And the Inquisition. And the assassins. And those bondage chicks with the knives. But you're probably in the top 10, top 20 definitely.
Sorry what was the question again?
Oh yeah, um, I wouldn't worry about the chick. I mean she's probably embarassed about her skin condition. Just talk to her and things will be fine.
Love your Immortal Master
Me
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Dear the Space Emperor
As you know the Space Skull Kick Blood Death Ball Bowl Intergalactic Vase is going on right now.
Or as the ancients called it, the Sock World Foot Cup.
And seeing as Emperor Omniscience is one of your powers maybe you could help me out a bit. Do you think the Catachan Cannibals will win? Or the Modrian Murderers? Or will the dark horse Tallarn Tankers go all the way?
I wish I could tell you who will win this particular tournament but I am too placing bets on it. The fate of an entire sector rests with my successful guess at who will win. So, unless you want Tau to own the Tarazim Sector and all 3,000,000,000,000 of it's inhabitants then I cannot say.
Sincerely,
The Immortal Great Venerable Superior Humble Venerated God Emperor of Mankind
I just wanted to tell you my army killed 30 Grey Knights with only the loss of a single Wave Serpent today. A waste of talented Psykers, Bolt Shells and good Steel those Grey Knights. Why not fire the brain dead scribe that writes their stories and reallocate the resources devoted to those fashion victims (Sister of Battle blood is quite a dated look, for you information) towards the production of soldiers that will get results? That goes for the entirety of the Adeptus Astartes, on second thought.
I just wanted to tell you my army killed 30 Grey Knights with only the loss of a single Wave Serpent today. A waste of talented Psykers, Bolt Shells and good Steel those Grey Knights. Why not fire the brain dead scribe that writes their stories and reallocate the resources devoted to those fashion victims (Sister of Battle blood is quite a dated look, for you information) towards the production of soldiers that will get results? That goes for the entirety of the Adeptus Astartes, on second thought.
Sincerely yours,
Anonymous Eldar Officer
Dear Member of a Soon-to-be-Extinct Race:
Say, do you know what the human birth rate is? I mean do you? What with the 10 Child Policy and stuff it's um, it's a lot OK. A lot a lot.
But I be you know what the Eldar birthrate is though. Like 1 per century? Probably because you have so much trouble telling which are the girls and which are the very, very pretty boys.
So y'know 30 super elite awesome humans, for 2 Eldar pilots, that actually works in our favor. Go ahead. Kil, kil, kil. We'll make more. You won't.
Yours in demographic superiority
The Spacial Emporer of Space
The Mordian Murderers stomped all over my beloved Catachan Cannibals 77-1. And then proceed to hunt down and kill their families.
Well that's 50 Starbucks down the drain.
Do you think this would be a good time to riot and burn down my hometown and loot some shops? Cause just say the word, I'm ready.
Yours,
Futbol Fantatic
PS Any tips on tomorrow's Space Skull Kick Blood Death Ball Bowl Intergalactic Vase game between the Krieg Killahs and the Cadian Castrators? I got 100 Starbucks riding on it.
The Mordian Murderers stomped all over my beloved Catachan Cannibals 77-1. And then proceed to hunt down and kill their families.
Well that's 50 Starbucks down the drain.
Do you think this would be a good time to riot and burn down my hometown and loot some shops? Cause just say the word, I'm ready.
Yours,
Futbol Fantatic
PS Any tips on tomorrow's Space Skull Kick Blood Death Ball Bowl Intergalactic Vase game between the Krieg Killahs and the Cadian Castrators? I got 100 Starbucks riding on it.
Dear Futbol Fantatic,
Yours, Empy.
____________________________________
Dear "The Emperor",
Could you stop putting those damn Ultra-spehss in the way of our military advances into the Kaiyoris sector?
It's really getting in the way of our Lord and Master Be'lakor.
Santic-Commissar Sidonus Stalin, of the 293rd Landsharks, from the planet Kar'vahoth.
Could you stop putting those damn Ultra-spehss in the way of our military advances into the Kaiyoris sector?
It's really getting in the way of our Lord and Master Be'lakor.
Santic-Commissar Sidonus Stalin, of the 293rd Landsharks, from the planet Kar'vahoth.
Sure.
Hey you there, flying skull thing, tell the Imperial Space Navy of Space to go exterminate the @#$% out of the Kaiyoris sector will you, no sense wasting good Space Marines on that.
Cheers
E
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Will someone please explain this to me?!?!?
Here I am, charter member of the Justice League, CHARTER MEMBER, Lord of Atlantis, King of the Seven Seas, KING! and I can't even get a pilot for my own TV show.
Meanwhile this, this, guy who has NO SUPERPOWERS except for shooting sharp sticks at people using a weapon that's been obsolete for FIVE HUNDRED YEARS, he gets a show, a second season, and renewed for a third.
How does that even work?
I mean can this guy swim to the deepest depths of the ocean?
********************************************************
Will someone please explain this to me?!?!?
Here I am, charter member of the Justice League, CHARTER MEMBER, Lord of Atlantis, King of the Seven Seas, KING! and I can't even get a pilot for my own TV show.
Meanwhile this, this, guy who has NO SUPERPOWERS except for shooting sharp sticks at people using a weapon that's been obsolete for FIVE HUNDRED YEARS, he gets a show, a second season, and renewed for a third.
How does that even work?
I mean can this guy swim to the deepest depths of the ocean?
Can he command sea life?
Is he lord of a lost civilization?
Does he have any superpowers at all?
No.
Sharp @#$#ing sticks. That's his superpower.
How does this even make sense?
Yours
Aquaman
KING! of the Seven Seas
*Ahem*
Dear Aquaman,
I do believe that you were in command of the Terran seas over 38,000 years ago. They have also not existed for the past 10,000 years.
Thus far you have made no effort to affect human lives in any way, whereas that bow-toting maniac has, at least, made for a rather amusing assassin.
I'm actually considering equipping some Ast... Ass... Atral Mullet... Imperial Guardsmen with bows and arrows, as that'd be far more entertaining, and effective, than those pretty little flashlights. That's some quality marketing and entertainment opportunities. Which you do not have.
Thank you so much for that wonderful little escapade you put me through, what with your exterminatus fleets and all. I've had it up to *here* with you, as we barely survived.
I shall be informing Abaddon of your fleet movements, and the 14th Black Crusade shall commence shortly.
Just after the turn of the millennium.
Yours scornfully,
Santic-Commissar Sidonus Stalin, of the 293rd Landsharks
Dear Santic-Commissar Sidonus Stalin of the 293rd Landsharks,
I laugh in your petty face. If I were alive today...
So Mr Stalin, have fun with the band of 50 inquisitors that I have sent after your entire fleet.
Hated regards,
The Spaec Empra
****
Dear Teh Space Empra,
I am being tortured and broken by the Iron hands Space Marines because they think I am a Lord General of the Imperial Guard when I am a governor.
Please, help me oh so graceful God, the pain, oh so much pain!
I am being tortured and broken by the Iron hands Space Marines because they think I am a Lord General of the Imperial Guard when I am a governor.
Please, help me oh so graceful God, the pain, oh so much pain!
HELP ME! THEIR COMING PLEASE!
In pain,
Governor Roubitine, of the Atzok planet.
OK, OK, calm down.
First off are you SURE they're Iron Warriors, because I thought the Iron Warriors were loyalists. Unless it's the Iron Hands I'm thinking of. Or maybe the Iron Guard. Or are those Imperial Guard? No, Steel Legion are Imperial Guard, even though they're called a 'legion' while the Death Guard are a legion, even though they're called 'guard'.
Now I'm confused darn it!
Well it's good they're torturing you in that case. You probably deserve it.
Yours,
the most benevelant Emperor
*************************
Hey there, long time reader, first time writer y'know.
I got a problem.
Y'see I've always been a bit of a loner, I hang out in my place, go out, do my stuff, come home. I got some good buddies, but they're a small circle.
But lately I dunno why I'm getting invites all the time, my phone's ringing off the hook! Soon as I climb in the ole Blood Shower there it goes again!
And it's all "help me Mr Thirster", "get them Mr Thirster", "hurry up Mr Thirster", 'please eat my psyker Mr Thirster' I'm getting calls from the Space Marines, the Orks, even these blue commie fishmen and y'know how it is, after you've been on your own so long it's hard to turn anyone down.
Even though they can't remember my first name, I mean how hard is 'Brad'?
So I figure you're probably in the same boat, getting calls all the time and maybe you can help me out, should I keep helping them or should I learn to say no?
I do understand your frustration- I'm always being bothered by prayers, summons, messages and weird voices from within the Warp, and I'm always telling them "Look, I'm bolted to this shïtter. I couldn't help you even if I wanted to. Which I don't. So feth off." Obviously I have the excuse of being a rotting corpse who can't move, so at least I can say no. I know what a pain it is.
I should confess, however, to being slightly responsible for your predicament. You see, a while ago I thought the state of the great galactic conflict was a bit boring, so I thought I'd spice things up a bit by getting my closest companions to photocopy, and distribute the replicas of, some old daemonology books I had lying around. You daemons make everything more entertaining, so I thought if more idiots were able to dick around with the powers of the Warp, it would get a bit more interesting. Unfortunately they printed too many copies and now everyone and their grandma is trying to commune with the Empyrean. Including my grandma (who fortunately is so ugly that when she stares into the abyss, the abyss cowers in fear).
Except the Tyranids. Apparently they ate their copy. I'm not sure if it's true, but I did hear some decidedly Tyrannic laughter echoing through the Warp.
Still, it has made everything a lot more interesting. I might give out some books on how to attract a Hive Fleet next. Or maybe I should reveal the names of the 2 lost legi...nah.
Anyway, sorry about all that. If I were you, though, I'd keep helping them. Always keep an open mind and all. Who knows? Something fun might happen. Heck, once I was projecting my soul through the tides of the Warp and found myself in the body of a Battle Sister in a Sororitas orphanage, and then-
Umm, actually, forget I said that.
Yours Decrepitly,
The Emprah.
To our Most Beneficent Emperor, our Father and Guardian, Glorious (but undetermined) be thy name.
I've been leading my sisters-in-arms for many years now. We've crushed heretical uprisings, immolated xenos threats, and even brought your lost children into the fold of redemption. It is hard work, but we never tire in our duty.
However, there is something we definitely tire of, and we[d like something done about it.
It's the armour. Specifically, the chestplates. They offer absolutely no support whatsoever- they look like something that Lady of Googoo or whatever her name was would wear. It's not so bad for our younger members, but for the more well endowed sisters (such as myself) it's giving us tremendous backache. Worse, the separately defined breasts make it all the more likely to drive a sword between them and through our hearts, which quite frankly is a very silly way to go.
I mean, they're great for our nightly...umm...communal rituals, but in combat? Utterly useless.
Please, do something about these dreadful breastplates. I've already had to see the Sister Hospitaler about my shoulders three times!
Yours Faithfully,
Canoness Alexa Arantella, Canoness of the Order of the Silver Shield.
PS: Could you send some choir boys to our convent on Myrnia VII? We need them for...er...hymnals.
Dear Canoness,
Gosh, I'm ever so dreadfully sorry about your back pains. You see, when Sebastian Thor came into my Throne Room, talking about how the Daughters of the Emperor could be really useful to the Ecclessiarchy, I initially thought they were supposed to be filling in for morale support. Your humble guardsman needs a good reason to keep running towards the enemy gunfire and die in droves, and as of that time, even gun-crazy Commissars weren't doing the trick. I certainly didn't realize you guys (er, girls) would be charging into combat, as well!
I have placed a trusted advisor and Lord of Terra to aid you in your predicament. I'm sure you'll find him to your liking. When he arrives, please relay your problems to Inquisitor Matthias Wardius. I'm positive he'll have an elequent solution.
Yours Eternally,
E.
P.S. Myrnia VII, you say...? That can't be right. Are you referring to Myrnia VI, instead? I'm pretty sure I ordered Myrnia VII to be glassed from existence. Or maybe I got them mixed up again. You can never really tell with the Roman Numeral system.
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I'm afraid I have no use for this workout. For one thing, I am permanently wired to this throne, and am a shriveled corpse. No amount of working out is going to save me. Secondly, I much prefer the whole "smooth skinned, trap-like" look. Slaanesh sent me a guide on how to achieve such aesthetics, but alas as I mentioned earlier my body is a withered husk. So that's no good.
Now, I don't know, go polish your codpiece or something.
Yours Disappointingly,
Emprah.
Dear Mon-Keigh Emperor,
I'm about to raid a shrine world with my hand-picked troupe of Wyches, but I'm struggling to pick an outfit. I wanted to do something different, you know? Going around mercilessly disemboweling men, women and children in the same old metal bikini just gets boring.
So, what do you think I should do? I'm torn between shiny leather straps, shibari-style rope or barbed wire.
Dear Space Emperor,
I'm slightly confused.
I'm just confused about everything.
Everything.
I'm confused.
Why?
I'm just so confused.
Help me, God-Emperor.
I'm so confused.
Yours confusedly, What? My name is meant to go here? But what is my name? Draigo, you say? I'm confused...
Dear Space Emperor,
I'm slightly confused.
I'm just confused about everything.
Everything.
I'm confused.
Why?
I'm just so confused.
Help me, God-Emperor.
I'm so confused.
Yours confusedly,
Have you ever considered a career in table top war game rules writing?
Confusion there is not really a problem if anything it's a feature since it keeps the rubes coming back to buy new editions, download FAQs and suchwot.
Yours
The Space Emporer
My Man the Space Emporer! What it is!
D-to the Raigo here and I gotta say, when I heard you was coming out with a new codex for me I was all like, but can even the Emp improve on perfection?
So when it came out I quickly fought my way through 1000 blood thirsters and carved my mail order coupon into Angron's heart and sent it right in with my check for 50 star bucks (written on Fulgrim's heart of course). And I just got it today and I am totally, 1000% blown away!
Like 1000000% blown away!
First off you finally kicked those puny humans out of our codex and I gotta say it's about time. I mean really, we're GREY KNIGHTS what do we need puny humans for? They just get in the way amirite?
Now I know some people are gonna boo-hoo-hoo about wasshisface and the ghost knights getting cut but I mean that guy was always boo-hoo-hooing about getting all his buddys killed and honestly it was getting kinda of tiring. Whiners don't get their own models yo!
So I just wanna say h8ers gonna h8 but this is the best codex EVAH and keep up the good work!
With the powers of Chaos, I have risen this rotting thread from the clutches of the warp! Forever shall it plague you!
Muhahahah!
While your fraying will, and sanity are distracted by the cries of the damned, and foolish, we shall strike at your holdings across the stars!
Your Truly,
Sorcerer Dave
Dear Dave, to tell the truth I enjoy this little diversion. I mean what with the constantly holding back the hoards of Chaos with nothing but the power of my will, casting a beacon for ships across the galaxy to navigate, playing chess with the Laughing God, writing the new tax code and working on Codex Sisters of Battle in my spare time, Ask the Space Emporer is a nice relaxing diversion for your humble God-Emperor.
And thank you so, so much for including a return address on your letter. My old friend Draigo will be stopping by shortly to express my thanks in person.
Yours, for the rest of your life, however short that may be,
The God-Emporer of Space
Me
I'm trying to decide whether or not to go see the Ratling Part 33.
Don't get me wrong, I read the book like a million times, and I get tears in my eyes whenever I watch the extended edition DVD and see the Ratling agree to help the 13 Squats and the Grey Inquisitor retake their asteroid from the Heldrake. I've practically memorized the scene where he wins the cloaking device from the hideous chaos mutant.
Naturally I saw the first 32 parts, including Ratling 25 - The Afternoon Nap, and Ratling 11 - A case of the Runs, but since the Ratling Parts 29-32 covered the end of the book and the only thing remaining is the index and the copyright information I really wonder if I need to go watch that for 6 hours?
I'm trying to decide whether or not to go see the Ratling Part 33.
Don't get me wrong, I read the book like a million times, and I get tears in my eyes whenever I watch the extended edition DVD and see the Ratling agree to help the 13 Squats and the Grey Inquisitor retake their asteroid from the Heldrake. I've practically memorized the scene where he wins the cloaking device from the hideous chaos mutant.
Naturally I saw the first 32 parts, including Ratling 25 - The Afternoon Nap, and Ratling 11 - A case of the Runs, but since the Ratling Parts 29-32 covered the end of the book and the only thing remaining is the index and the copyright information I really wonder if I need to go watch that for 6 hours?
What do you think?
Yours
Big Ring Fan
Dear Red Ring Fan,
Clearly you have too much free time on your hands. I have fixed this, and in a roundabout way solved your query by motifying your Fabricatus supervisor.
Once you are working triple shift stiching laspistol holsters for the inexhaustable armies of the Imperial Guard then all your entertainment needs will be
satisfied. To my satisfaction that is.
Yours The Immortal E.
Dear the Space Emporer,
I parked my Lunar in a restricted zone and got a ticket from the local Arbites plastered in front of the bridge cloister window.
Trouble is it was attached by a rather large purity seal and the helmsman cant see where he is going, and its heresy to
remove a purity seal. What do I do?
Eternally yours
Captain Lupus, the Hellhammer, taking up dock space over Hulvan IV.
If your helmsmen is truly loyal to me, then he does not need vision. His faith must surely be lacking. Please send him to the Inquisitorial Fun Camp of Painful Repentance for re-education.
I am having some marital problems at Home. I bought a suit of power armor styled after the pattern worn by the Adepta Sororitas to spice up our sex life, but when I put it on she kicked me out of the house.
I am having some marital problems at Home.
I bought a suit of power armor styled after the pattern worn by the Adepta Sororitas to spice up our sex life, but when I put it on she kicked me out of the house.
How am I to mend our relationship?
Yours Truly,
Marneus Calgar
WHY ARE YOU, A SPESS MAHREEN, HAVING SEXY TIME?? FIGHT ME SOME MEDAMN NIDS!
Dear your oh-so-horribly holy Emperor,
I might have tipped a fellow guardsman that our Sarge was infected by Chaos, which got him executed. What do I do?
Report your deed to your next superior officer to be awarded a medal for your vigilance. Then flay yourself for being a snitch. As I outlined millennia ago in the codes and laws of the Imperium: Snitches shall duly receive an amount of stitches relative to their magnitude of their snitchery.
Yours truly,
The God Emperor of Mankind.
Dear Emperor,
I am but your humble servant. I have fought for centuries in your name smiting your enemies and carrying your glorious banner across the stars. I have led entire companies of your proud sons into battle and have accumulated countless deeds to my name. I have honored the Chapter, the Imperium and your glorious name. So, would you spare but a moment to answer one meager question. I am sure it would be no problem for one as wise and all knowing as yourself.
While reflecting on my service to the Imperium during my allotted 15 minutes of free time I have noticed a trend. Every few years or so the combat effectiveness of both our men and our enemies change without rhyme nor reason. For example, I remember a time when the Eldar's Wave Serpent transport vehicle was simply another weapon in their arsenal. A good vehicle to be sure but nothing too special. However, a few years ago they became almost impenetrable to almost everything we could muster. Not even a direct hit from a Demolisher cannon, a weapon that can level ferrocrete bunkers in a single blow, could reliably damage it. Why is this? Did the Eldar find a new piece of shielding technology?
Then there is the case of the Leman Russ Executioner. Up until recently the tank's main gun was dependable until damaged. Now it seems that the vehicle cannot go a single engagement without heavily damaging itself from how often it overheats. I do not understand. I thought the main plasma cannon on the Executioner was supposed to have advanced cooling technology! Then there is the Centurion warsuit. I could've sworn there was a time in my personal service to the Chapter that these suits did not exist but now official records state that they have been in usage by the Astartes for centuries. My Emperor, what is going on?! Is this some sort of warp trickery? Have I gone insane? Please answer this message at your earliest convenience.
Sincerely yours,
Chapter Master Guilliere of the Knights Resolute.
You haver not gone insane and that is half your problem. The Universe has. I have froseen these changes and the Great Insolvency long fortold is likely to manifest in its wake.
In the mean time understand the great maxim, only the insane enough have the strength to prosper and only those who prosper truly judge what is sane. Go a little crazy out there, I hear of some wierd thing in Chapter approved force orgs nowadays, who knows, those Wave Serpents might just end up working for you.
The eternal E
Dear te.h Space Emporer
Heretical spell checkers don't allow me 2 write te.h properly unless I add a dot or some such. It otherwise ends up as 'the' who write that dat anyway?
Heretical spell checkers don't allow me 2 write te.h properly unless I add a dot or some such. It otherwise ends up as 'the' who write that dat anyway?
your m8 Gaspin
Sup M9, it's the SPESS EMPRAH
I will fix those spelling issues, and then execute you for critizising me. HERESY! BLAM
The Steehl Rehn will not come, because it doesnt refer to anything. The closest approximation is likely to be the Purple Rain, which occured in the 8th decade of the last century of the second millenium. Aweful album that was, stoked with Slaaneshi references. Your corrupted language is connected mainly through the same influences. So it appears that your latter serves some purpose after all, hold in your current location until your friendly neighbourhood Ordo Hereticus colects you.
Could you please give us marines some better weapons than Bolters, say give all of us Lascannons?
Yours truelly,
MEHRINE
Dear MEHRINE,
I once tried to give you guys something other than bolters. At one point I experimented with giving everyone Multilasers. Next thing I knew the universe went gakky. Terminators were doing backflips. Landraidrs turned into Razorbacks. Our tanks were stolen by those damnable Eldar. It was a horrible time. That is why Tac squads are only allowed a single Lascannon, and Devastator squads are allowed to have four.
Dear moldy old corpse.
We tried to warn you that your plan wouldn't pan out. We told your son Alpharius. We allowed your son Magnus to entr the Webway to get to your throne. Now your empire is stagnant and everyone is doomed. DOOOOOOMED!!! Why did you not listen?
I would sooner have the Universe tunnel into a lower energy state and have everything as we know it be destroyed than to listen to a foul Xenos. And besides, I may be a corpse on a chair but at least I'm not the biggest dick in the galaxy.
Sincerely yours,
The God Emperor of Mankind.
Dear Emperor,
Why do all buildings in the Imperium look the same? I'm not asking for a whole lot. Just another type of building besides all of those damned Sanctum Imperialis, Manufactorums, Basicilica Adminstratums and Shrines of the Aquila. It gets awkward to have to shop for naughty nightwear when the windows st the sex store feature the images of Imperial saints.
Why do all buildings in the Imperium look the same? I'm not asking for a whole lot. Just another type of building besides all of those damned Sanctum Imperialis, Manufactorums, Basicilica Adminstratums and Shrines of the Aquila. It gets awkward to have to shop for naughty nightwear when the windows st the sex store feature the images of Imperial saints.
Yours truly,
Perci Lotharn
Y'know you got me there. I mean really and what's up with half of the walls in the Imperium being ruined? I mean don't we have home depot any more?
Someone's not doing their job let me tell you!
Emporer O'Space
===================================================================
Hey um, Teh, I can call you Teh right?
We met at that Emperor Convention a few years back, and swapped stories about fighting off chaos and stuff, then went and gave the Tau Emperor a weggie.
So yeah when you were astral projecting back home you said I could stop by some time.
Well um, this happened.
So now I'm kinda floating in a formless void and stuff wiating for the reboot.
So like, do you have spare bedroom I can crash in?
Sincerely
K. Franz, Emperor of the Olde Worlde (RIP)
Of course I remember you. I think. I had a lot to drink that night. I have plenty of spare bedrooms you can borrow as I've been so busy with work I can't even get off my throne. All I ask is that you enter through the front door, and not barge in through the warp like my idiotic son Magnus. Perhaps you could even help me with some of my work load?
Your brother in arms
Teh Emperor.
------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Almighty Emperor of Mankind
Through no fault of my own I am very effeminate. Ever since I was little I felt like I should have been a girl. My parents (worried for their lives) took me to an Inquisitor who deemed me "odd, but not a mutant or heretic." As it is when I see the Adepta Sororitas march by I get jealous. Is there any way you can fix my body so I can join the illustrious Sisterhood of Battle?
SERVANTS OF THE EMPORER
We interrupt your regular Q & A session for a special bulletin straight from thr Golden Throne,
Set your cognitators to download and consult for the lastest in Grim Darkness battlefield information.
Blessed servant, are you going to smite the xenos Eldar anytime soon?
If so refer to this handy reference flowchart.
1. Do your xenos Eldar opponents have evil spikes?
If yes go to 4, if No go to 2
2. Do your xenos Eldar opponents all have clown faces and rainbow diamond vehicle paint jobs?
If yes go to 4, if No go to 3
3. Can you arrange to purge your Eldar threat before Saturday 25th?
If yes go to 5, if No go to 6.
4. You may proceed with purging the xenos threat, but keep note of any allied contingents present.
End of Consulation, thank you for your consideration. Happy Purging.
5. Hurry now, you must purge your xenos before next Saturday, after that find a nice safe Waaargh to face.
End of Consulation. Rob victory from the vile Eldar xenos.
6. Would you like to play Warmachine or Dropzone Commander instead? They have balance.
This concludes our consultation for the day, stay tuned to read many more Ask the Space Emporer queries flooding in soon. We expect the prayers department to be rather busy, so call now call early and call often.
Through no fault of my own I am very effeminate. Ever since I was little I felt like I should have been a girl. My parents (worried for their lives) took me to an Inquisitor who deemed me "odd, but not a mutant or heretic." As it is when I see the Adepta Sororitas march by I get jealous. Is there any way you can fix my body so I can join the illustrious Sisterhood of Battle?
Jessie
Dear Jessie,
Feel free to ask your closest medicae facility for a quick chop and some spare breasts. So long as you purge heretics with flame, there isn't much you can do wrong.
From Teh Great and Wonderful Spehss Emprah
---------------------------------------
Hey, Mr O Great Emperor,
I heard that the Eldar have invented some so-called Scatterbikes that can destroy anything that they will ever face, causing army formations that are totally unbeatable unless they face the same force, led by a better general?
Due to the interesting Barrage rules, locking a few Deathstrike Missiles inside a box of LOS blocking terrain should solve your Scatterbike problems. Also, so will Leman Russes. So many Russes -Emperor
Dear Omnissiah-In-The-Aspect-Of-Emperor,
When will our beloved Tech-Priest Commander, Magos Feld, arrive on the field of battle? Our holy Praetorian Servitors appear to have been delayed, so can we at least have that?
I regret to inform you that the powers that be have determined that all Adeptus Mechanicus forces will be limited to a select few units and that they will take to the field without any sort of leadership. You may look to an Astartes officer or a Commissar for guidance but I cannot help you any further.
Sincerely yours,
The Emperor.
==============
Dear God Emperor of the Emperor
I write to you to in the aftermath of a conflict between the forces of the Adeptus Astartes and my own men and women. On the Forge World of REDACTED my forces to the field of battle hoping to make a strike at the Orks who were at the time besieging the world. Of course, your Marines of the REDACTED felt it necessary to break the truce we had with the local Imperial forces to prove some point and launched a drop pod assault. However, when the Force Commander saw my assembled force of Windriders, Wraithguard mounted on Wave Serpents and Wraithknights he turned his nose up into the air, gave me an annoyed look and called my assembled army "Overpowered" and "Cheesy". I was of course confused by his words so I requested clarification of what he meant by that. He then proceeded to call me a "Win at all costs commander with no honor" and recalled his forces back to their ships. They then attacked the Orks without any further interaction with my forces and I.
Will you explain to me what the word "Cheesy" means and how in Khaine's name an army can be "Overpowered"? Is it not ideal to have a powerful army?
I write to you to in the aftermath of a conflict between the forces of the Adeptus Astartes and my own men and women. On the Forge World of REDACTED my forces to the field of battle hoping to make a strike at the Orks who were at the time besieging the world. Of course, your Marines of the REDACTED felt it necessary to break the truce we had with the local Imperial forces to prove some point and launched a drop pod assault. However, when the Force Commander saw my assembled force of Windriders, Wraithguard mounted on Wave Serpents and Wraithknights he turned his nose up into the air, gave me an annoyed look and called my assembled army "Overpowered" and "Cheesy". I was of course confused by his words so I requested clarification of what he meant by that. He then proceeded to call me a "Win at all costs commander with no honor" and recalled his forces back to their ships. They then attacked the Orks without any further interaction with my forces and I.
Will you explain to me what the word "Cheesy" means and how in Khaine's name an army can be "Overpowered"? Is it not ideal to have a powerful army?
Yours truthfully,
-Autarch REDACTED
Y'see, y'see this is the difference between a decadent dying race like Les Aelphs D'Space and a vibrant expanding one like us Hommes.
SURE the Imperium COULD just sit in our 10 mile long space battle ships and bomb the smeg out of planets till everyone gives up.
But that would make us lazy and decadent. So we carefully choose forces roughly as powerful as our foes and go down there and fight them mano-a-mano, sometimes literally.
This helps keep us strong in the face of a universe full of big scary monsters and demons that want to eat us.
You Aelphs D'Space used to get that, but lately, it's like all you care about is winning, and not the game itself.
It's sad.
You guys used to be cool.*
The Emp
(* Note - This is a fib. The Eldar were NEVER cool)
Memorandum
TO: THE SPACE EMPORER
FROM: HIGH LORD GERRY
Sire, as you may know (what with being omnisent and all) the arch-heretic Evil Steve is planning to sacrifice a sun (??) and open a warp rift in Segmuntum Solar which will threaten Holy Terry itself.
Honestly I don't even know what the #$%^ that's supposed to work, I mean how do you sacrifice a whole sun? Wouldn't your sacrificial dagger melt? But the guys are really freaked out about it and I guess they know what they're doing.
We here at High Lord Central have been working out some plans and I think we've got one.
Now High Lord Jack, he was all like "let's send an assassin to kill Evil Steve! Or maybe two assassins!"
Then High Lord Larry, he was all like "guys it's time to #$%^ or get off the pot! I say we send THREE ASSASSINS!"
And everyone was all like OMG!
But then I was all like "Homeys, we need to go big or go home, I say we send in FOUR ASSASSINS, one from EACH TEMPLE (except for the sucky ones like the nerd temple and the goth chick temple, cause they suck).
And everyone was all like "OMG! Like Totally!"
Except for High Lord Grand Admiral General Marshal Joint Chief Lord Militant Solar Chet. He was all like let's send a big @$$ space boat and nuke the #@!$ from orbit.
And I was like, how is that fair? How is that balanced or sporting or fun?
But Chet he was all like "Dudes I have a Space Boat, the USS @#$%ing Huge, in orbit right now, I can go, nuke Evil Steve and be back for lunch.
Man, some people just don't get it.
What can I do about Chet, he's just not a team player.
Kid_Kyoto wrote: Memorandum TO: THE SPACE EMPORER FROM: HIGH LORD GERRY
Sire, as you may know (what with being omnisent and all) the arch-heretic Evil Steve is planning to sacrifice a sun (??) and open a warp rift in Segmuntum Solar which will threaten Holy Terry itself.
Honestly I don't even know what the #$%^ that's supposed to work, I mean how do you sacrifice a whole sun? Wouldn't your sacrificial dagger melt? But the guys are really freaked out about it and I guess they know what they're doing.
We here at High Lord Central have been working out some plans and I think we've got one.
Now High Lord Jack, he was all like "let's send an assassin to kill Evil Steve! Or maybe two assassins!"
Then High Lord Larry, he was all like "guys it's time to #$%^ or get off the pot! I say we send THREE ASSASSINS!"
And everyone was all like OMG!
But then I was all like "Homeys, we need to go big or go home, I say we send in FOUR ASSASSINS, one from EACH TEMPLE (except for the sucky ones like the nerd temple and the goth chick temple, cause they suck).
And everyone was all like "OMG! Like Totally!"
Except for High Lord Grand Admiral General Marshal Joint Chief Lord Militant Solar Chet. He was all like let's send a big @$$ space boat and nuke the #@!$ from orbit.
And I was like, how is that fair? How is that balanced or sporting or fun?
But Chet he was all like "Dudes I have a Space Boat, the USS @#$%ing Huge, in orbit right now, I can go, nuke Evil Steve and be back for lunch.
Man, some people just don't get it.
What can I do about Chet, he's just not a team player.
Sincerely High Lord Gerry
FROM: THE SPACE EMPORER TO: HIGH LORD GERRY RE: HIGH LORD GRAND ADMIRAL GENERAL MARSHAL JOINT CHIEF LORD MILITANT SOLAR CHET
Teh Great and almighty Emperor of known (and unknown) space has decreed that no person (including abhumans and xenos pretending to be humans, as well as those who are mostly mechanical) shall be able to be a High Lord, a Grand Admiral, a General Marshal, a Joint Chief and a Lord Militant. It's too many damn titles. He must choose one and only one. If he chooses to be a High Lord he must give up his Space Boat. If he decides not to be a High Lord, he is no longer welcome to your meetings and must immediately be granted the Emperors Mercy for heresy.
Dear emper, Hi! I aint suppose to write to you so you got to keep this secret, ok? I heard some gaurdians sayin the mon'keigh think you're real nice and you give them gifts and stuff if they're good. They said it was silly but I been really really good!
I been meditating every single day.... and washin behind my ears and cleaning my wraithbone and everything!
So I know you're probably super busy and stuff but if you're near the craftworld then maybe you can bring me mom's spirit stone? She went away to fight but when she came back she wasn't moving anymore but she didn't have her spirit stone. I'm scared she's lonely.
I don't know what it's like inside a spirit stone and the exarch won't tell me but I miss her a lot.
I asked dad what it was like but he doesn't talk to me much anymore since they put him in a rafelord. He says he's cold a lot. Can you bring him a blanket? A big one if you got it.
I don't know how to give this to you so I'm putting it out the airlock. You're really magic so I bet you'll find it right away! I don't got anything to give you for reading this but if you visit me I promise I'll give you a million hugs!
Thank you for your letter, as you know I fully support our troops which is why I make sure each and every guardsman gets not only a 5+ save but also a S3 weapon so that they may defend my Space Empire.
But you letter, it... it concerns me. Let's look at it again.
Dear big space Hitler Jesus,
why do you hate me? I have a family, you know.
Guardsman
Y'see, there's your problem right there.
You had a family.
HAD.
They've already been executed by the Arbites even before I read this letter, probably just as soon as your finished writing it. That's what happens when you question your divine lord and master.
That and you being assigned to the Wraith Knight Assault Task Force.
I mean last week I was having lunch with Tech Priest Alpha Trion Orion Pax and he casually mentioned something about a new codex for the Skitarii.
A NEW CODEX
Then, then, then he mentions a new codex for the Cult Mechanicus
Well I assumed it was the same book but he informed me that in fact the Adeptus Mechanicus had... had... had...
(Calm, I am calm, I am no hysterical, stop calling my hysterical, that's sexist damnit!)
TWO NEW CODEXES
T... T... TWO new codexes for, for, for...
FOR THESE NERDS?
The nerds? With their coke-bottle glasses and inhalers and guns that shoot nonsense words?
They get t... t... TWO NEW CODEXES?!@?!?!?!?!?!?one!?!11??!?!
TWO?
Spacey, Spacey, we need to talk.
I know, I know you want my codex to be perfect, and I appreciate that. But Spacey, it's been more than 10 years.
Yes I know all about that WD list and Adepta Sororita book, but you said it was just a stop gap measure until the real book, the one that gets printed and has a whole line of models is ready.
TEN YEARS!
Spacey, please, just, just get it done. I know you love me, I know you love all of us, but please, just get something printed.
I mean, you know some of the girls have been getting offers from a certain group of "Raging Heroes" and I don't know how much longer I can keep them in line.
Please Spacey?
For me?
Sincerely
Saint Celestine, Hieromartyr of the Palantine Crusade
AKA YOUR GIRLFRIEND!!!!!!
Don't you worry Celestine, a new codex will be coming your way, Corax just needs to come back and give me the notes for it you see. That note, "nevermore", I think he was sick of your army after his space marines got wiped by them. Anyway, just hang in there, you know I'm so good at keeping relationships, I mean, I haven't done anything wrong with my past relationships. Nope, nothing at all comes to mind. So, just keep waiting a little while longer, and keep faith, for without faith I won't be able to come back as a fifth chaos god, er I mean, that new *shiny* codex of yours may never come.
Yours truly,
The Biggest E
_____________________________________________________________
Dear Space Emperor,
Don't you think it's time we did something against that Ghazghkull character? I mean, if he can unite the orks or get Gork and/or Mork to show up, we could be in trouble. Of course, the local Inquisitor didn't want to hear anything of it, so he had my tongue cut out and his own ears burned off as well, just to be sure. But not before mentioning something about "no moving the timeline", what is that all about? A speedy reply would be best, my Lord. It is awfully lonely not being able to talk, and the Inquisitor keeps having people yell into the hole where his ear was for him to hear us, so we can't even get any sleep. Anyway, thanks for the time, Empy.
Don't you think it's time we did something against that Ghazghkull character? I mean, if he can unite the orks or get Gork and/or Mork to show up, we could be in trouble. Of course, the local Inquisitor didn't want to hear anything of it, so he had my tongue cut out and his own ears burned off as well, just to be sure. But not before mentioning something about "no moving the timeline", what is that all about? A speedy reply would be best, my Lord. It is awfully lonely not being able to talk, and the Inquisitor keeps having people yell into the hole where his ear was for him to hear us, so we can't even get any sleep. Anyway, thanks for the time, Empy.
Yours forevermore,
Imperial Lieutenant Hans
Dear Imperial,
Imperial, Imperial, Imperial, I don't know how to break this to you... but the fact is the Space Empire is doomed.
DOOMED!
I mean, Chaos we can handle that, we've had them bottled up in the nose of horror for evs.
And the Eldar, pfft, they're a joke, dying off for 10,000 years.
The Orks, yeah they're a problem but a persistant one, like one of those rashes that doesn't go away.
But then add on the Egyptian Terminator Robots (forget what they're called, Necromundas? Maybe, note to self, exterminus on Necromuna) waking up, AND the Anime Fish Men with their Gundams, AND the Hungry Bugs (Tyranites? Tallarn? Tallarn sounds familiar, note to self, exterminous on Tallarn) coming in from the far side of the universe, we're stretched to our limit, and beyond.
I figure maybe by M42 Y050 we;re just done.
Thus my clever plan.
You may have noticed this January when you changed the calendar it said M41 Y999. And that last year's also said M41 Y999, and the year before that, and the year before that, and the year before that.
In this way I can ensure the year of DOOM! never comes.
So Imperial, just keep on partying like it's M41 Y999. Cause it is.
Forever.
Yours Eternally
The Emporer
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear the Space Emporer
My lord and master, far be it for me, a humble Custodius to question your eternal wisdom, but I have a question about your house guest.
While Mr Franz has himself been a model houseguest, simply staying in his room, drinking wine and playing Age of Reckoning (and crying, lots of crying) his house pet has not.
His pet griffon (named 'Deathclaw') has been clawing the sacred tapestries and battle banners, leaving piles of poop the size of a Space Marine Terminator and eats half his weight in horse meet each day.
I've asked Mr. Franz many times to please keep his pet on under control but he just cried, or drunkenly waves around his hammer.
Do you think maybe we can ask him to leave?
Sincerely
Snivilous Gracious
Master of the Household
Please be understanding that Mr. Franz just lost his Empire to some donkey-cave and his army of walking golden soup cans. If "Deathclaw" continues to be a problem just make the Custodes look after him. They have to do whatever I say even if it is totally degrading and menial. Hahaha that serves them for wearing those stupid banana hats of theirs.
Sincerely,
The God Emperor of Mankind
P.S: We are currently taking litigation against this "Sigmar" for stealing our designs for Astartes power armor. If nothing else perhaps this will give Mr. Franz some consolation.
I just wanted to write to let you know that me and my warband just exterminated all life on one of your planets. It was a really nice planet with trees, beautiful weather, nice people and adorable puppies. And now they are all dead. Especially the puppies. I personally kicked one out of the air lock because I am just that kind of guy. Hahahahahaha you suck hahahahaha.
Thank you for desecrating that world, I was getting really rather bored of always knowing that my side would win. Makes a nice change to see chaos get a victory.
Honesty isn't something we get enough of around here, so I'm going go do just that. For Emperor's day, you will be of age to work in a factory and that will be what you do for the rest of your life. Manpower is the key to success, and that armor and gun are worth more than you, your family, and possibly even your planet.
Dear Warboss Killagit,
Thank you very much for warning us about your impending invasion. I'll be sure and give you the royal treatment, complete with a welcoming party of the Crimson Fists Space Marine chapter, a few regiments of Imperial Guard, and maybe I'll even be able to get a special guest appearance by the Adeptus Mechanicus. See you soon!
Sincerely,
The Emperor of Mankind
------------------------------------------------------------------------
O Holy Emperor, Lord of all Mankind,
I am your humble servant, one of the Space Marines of the Dark Angels chapter, and I was wondering whether you would see fit to bestow upon us some of the interesting weapons and armor that the other chapters have but we lack. Such things as Centurion armor, Thunderfire Cannons, Stalker tanks, and other such things. It would help us to purge heretics and xenos much easier! Hoping to hear from you soon!
With exaltation,
Brother Zergsmashius
Dark Angels 3rd Company
The Rock
Give as the blueprints to the Nephillim jet and tell everyone about the fallen first and then I'll tell the AdMech to get over their hate boner for you guys. Yeah, that's right, I know about the fallen. And I am very disappointed about how zealously secretive you bathhrobe wearing space broccoli have been about it all. Just confess and move on.
Sincerely,
The God Emperor of Mankind
P.S: You might want to kiss up to the Black Templars before you confess. If you know what I mean.
++++++++++++
Dear Dead Guy on the Golden Toilet,
WAAAAASSSSSSSUUUPPPP. It's your bro Cegorach! Well, not your brother brother but I consider us bros! Hey! When you have some spare time from stopping Chaos from flooding the materium you want to go play a prank on Khorne? We could like replace all of the skulls beneath his throne with bowling balls. He'll be so mad when he finds out that we made a picture of him and Slaanesh cuddling with all of the skulls! It'll be a riot!
WAAAAASSSSSSSUUUPPPP. It's your bro Cegorach! Well, not your brother brother but I consider us bros! Hey! When you have some spare time from stopping Chaos from flooding the materium you want to go play a prank on Khorne? We could like replace all of the skulls beneath his throne with bowling balls. He'll be so mad when he finds out that we made a picture of him and Slaanesh cuddling with all of the skulls! It'll be a riot!
Your Broseph 4 lyfe,
The Big C
Seeing as I had to google you I'm pretty sure we're not brothers.
When did you get a name anyway? I always liked Laughing God, it was direct yet enigmatic. But Cigareck? That just looks like some neck beard pounded on a keyboard till he got something that would pass.
As for Khorne, man where do people get the idea I don't like him? We play poker every Thursday, compare skull collections and complain about our followers.
I mean sure Calgar and Torquamada are annoying, but if I had to listen to Kharn and Angron all day I'd go nuts!
So in a word, no. And stay the heck away from post 2010 fluff! Next thing you know you'll be equipping all your Harlis with Laughing Blades and Laugh Strike Missiles!
I grew up in a time when appearance mattered and was always taught that unless you take pride in your appearance how can anyone take you seriously.
For example whether me and my fellow cultists were having a full-on Black Crusade or just abducting some virgins for Tuesday's Black Mass we'd go out in fully pressed Dark Vestments and we were always hitting the gym to make sure we'd look good.
But these days, kids just throw on whatever rags they have around and call it day.
I mean yesterday I saw some punk going around with a @#$%ing shopping bag on his head!
I keep trying to tell them, if you dress like cannon fodder then the Dark Gods will treat you like cannon fodder, but they never listen.
It's enough to make a man go off and join the Redemptionists, they're always dressed well.
What's your secret?
Sincerely
Brother Sacc R Lij
Cult of the Flaming Skull of Death and Damnation and Destruction and Holocaust (Reformed)
Dear Brother Sacc R Lij,
My secret is to purge heretics like you. It doesn't matter how you dress then. Go ahead and keep hitting the gym, it won't save your heretic ass from the Inquisition, the Astra Militarum, the Adeptus Astartes, and whoever else isn't busy at the moment, from destroying your little cult.
Sincerely
The Emperor of Mankind
---------------------------------------------------------
Dear Emperor of the Gue'la,
I bear greetings from the Tau Empire, the utopian state near the eastern fringe of the galaxy, right across the Damocles Gulf from your Imperium. Why don't your kind go ahead and join the Greater Good instead of fighting us and each other? Your endless fighting and harsh treatment of your own citizens is reprehensible, and your fear of technological advancement is absolutely irrational. You really should give all that up and join us in the 41st millenium instead of living in the dark ages. As you Gue'la would put it, "Just sayin'."
With kind wishes,
Ambassador Por'Vral of the Tau Water Caste
Dear Ambassador:
Why would we join you? This universe is grimdark, and your noble brightness has no place here, please stay still while I send the nearest Imperial Navy Fleet to your world to virus bomb the gak out of it. Should you survive that then strongly consider giving up and hiding on some backwater planet where the Inquisition actually has to try and find you, they could use the exercise.
Could you convince the Mechanicus to actually try and build some of the cool 30k vehicles again? While I love the Land Raiders and Predators we have I would really like to use a Spartan Assault Tank and Sicaran Battle Tank like my brothers in the old legion did. Can you maybe convince them to pull their heads out of their butts and give us some cool tech again?
Best Regards,
Brother Veck of the Ultramarines Chapter
Could you kindly shove your praying up your ass? I hear, like, a million of these requests from your lot every day. The Mechanicus is very overworked at the moment, what with providing lasguns for all those guardsmen that do all the real work, (for which you seem to be taking the glory), and they do not have the time to start making such things again.
The paperwork alone...
-Big E
========================
Deah Emprah
My vocal abiliteh ish lohst. Cahn I have it backh?
Why would I give you your vocals back? Your job is to take your fellow Blood Ravens and run screaming headlong into the guns of your foes. Vocal ability is not required for that. You may have it back when you are no longer bald and foolish.
I was just wondering if you could explain something to me. Some guys came around to my house the other day and began telling me that I should try to stick it to the governor and begin worshipping the "Four". Then they tried to sacrifice my cat and started a small fire in my trash can. They said they would use it to burn the whole hive down in the name of something called "Chaos", can you tell me what that is?
Tactical_Spam wrote:There's some threadmancy BS going on here...
Um no. This thread has been going steadily for 9 years believe it or not.
War Kitten wrote:Dear Boreale:
Dear Space Emperor,
I was just wondering if you could explain something to me. Some guys came around to my house the other day and began telling me that I should try to stick it to the governor and begin worshipping the "Four". Then they tried to sacrifice my cat and started a small fire in my trash can. They said they would use it to burn the whole hive down in the name of something called "Chaos", can you tell me what that is?
Regards,
Confused Imperial Citizen.
Oh yes, I wouldn't worry about them.
You see the 'Four' refers to me and my top 3 primarchs, who frankly are the only Primarchs worth mentioning. I mean seriously, Raven Guard? What was I thinking?
And sacrificing your cat, that's just because I'm alergic to cats and some of my followers take these things very seriously.
And burning down the hive, well that's just to purify it and get rid of all the deadwood. After all the truly faithful will live forever at my right hand eating chocolate bonbons and watching the co-ed naked mud wrestling matches between the Custodeous and Sisters of Silence.
Which reminds me, we need to schedule some of those. Feels like we haven't had them in 10,000 years.
Now as for the reference to, what was it? Kay-aws? I'm not sure what that might be. Maybe they meant "May Boss" which makes more sense since I am the Boss, whether it's May, June, July or even August.
So yeah, go ahead and do what they say, I mean what's the worst that could happen?
Yours
Emp
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Oh my lord, my master, ruler of my heart and my body, hi!
I have been a noviate at the Holy Sisterhood of Eternal Chastity and Purity and Pure White Virginal Chaste Purefulness for all of my 22 years and carefully guarded all of my feminine charms as they are but for one man alone, you, the Emperor of my Soul.
But I worry.
I have been saving myself for you for 22 long, long years and well... I'm not getting any younger. I'll be 23 next spring.
I know that you are very, very, busy protecting us from terrible, terrible, terrible space demons who long to defile our pure nubile bodies with their disgusting tentacles and probing claws!
Or Xenos! Strong muscular xenos who lust to fill us with their alien seeds!
I shudder to think what might happen were they ever to come to our isolated convent asteroid. Sometimes I write long stories in my secret diary about the horrible things they might do. Why they might make us serve them with our pure young bodies! Or even... kiss them!
So I know you are quite busy and surely do not have time for a 36-26-36D 22-year old noviate who preservers her purity just for you.
Attached is a picture of me in my ceremonial vestments of purity.
I know of course you would never have the time to manifest before me and take me in your strong, manly arms and make me your bride.
No, it could never be.
My one hope is that maybe, possibly, you could find the time to asterally project your essence into someone close by and that this person, perhaps Brad that young, muscular, tan, fit gardener who tends our white roses... that person, possessed by our holy essence, would then act in your stead.
In fact, I think that if somehow, the garden door were unlocked one night, perhaps this very night, and if Brad were to, for some reason, enter it and find the alarms and picto-skulls disabled somehow, and then steal up the stairs toward my bedchamber, why certainly the only way that could happen would be if were possessed by your essence and acting in accordance with your will!
And then, it follows logically, anything that might happen, any embraces or whispered words, or discarded vestments, or even... kissing, why that would be in accordance with your will as well. No?
Thank you Teh Space Emporer! Thank you! I am so glad we have had this talk!
I long, I desire, I lust to serve your will.
Tonight.
Yours in Chastity and Purity,
Sister-Noviate Lilly Virginia Castitia Puritania Artemia Beautia
Secret Convent Asteroid of the Holy Sisterhood of Eternal Chastity and Purity and Pure White Virginal Chaste Purefulness
Bedchamber 36-D
I'm not entirely sure what you're asking here. If you wanted to just talk to the Gardener then just go talk to him, there's no need for me to do anything. And that would be an exceptional set of circumstances leading to those.... things. Good Luck with that though, I'm off to watch a Sister of Silence mud wrestle a Custodes.
So there's this Sister of Battle that I like. I mean, really, really, like. The problem is I have no idea how to approach her. Most of the time when I see her she's off burning heretics and I don't know how romantic burning heretics in the middle of a diseased hive city is. I could use some advice s to how to set up the "perfect" moment to tell her how I feel about her. Also, is there any way I can convince her that a dead heretic isn't the perfect courtship gift? It says so on her Imperial Dating profile. I like a dead heretic as much as the next guardsman, but I feel that would ruin the mood. Thanks for the help.
You should try burning things with her (but wear fireproof armour so you don't get burned too), and the more you burn things, the more she will burn things with you, and you'll fall in love. And for a gift, you should give her something she likes. I once dreamt of having a lover and I gave her something she liked (Can't remember what, it's been so long). So, if she likes dead heretics, give her a dead heretic. If she likes flamers, give her a flamer or something that shoots fire or heat. Good luck.
Regards,
The Emperor
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Space Emperor,
So, this weekend, it snowed at my house. A Winter Weather Advisory was issued for 1-3 inches of snow, and it snowed for a couple hours after raining all day. We got a dusting of snow, which had almost melted by the time I woke up this morning. I was saddened at the fact that very little fell. My question is, how can I build a snowman out of at least 1 inch of snow? I know I'm being silly, and it probably doesn't snow where you live, and you have probably never built a snowman. Please help if you can.
Dear Winter Storm Namer,
If you want to make a snowman, you should perhaps move to a colder planet, like maybe Fenris. You won't run out of snow there, ever, but watch out for wolves! I can't say I remember building a snowman, I've been stuck on the golden throne for 10,000 years and no one has bothered to see if maybe I need a laxative...
Regards,
The Emperor of Mankind
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
To our beloved and holy Emperor,
I am sending this to warn you to watch out for a crazy man in a bathrobe, wielding two pistols and carrying a strange sword. He goes by some name that starts with a C, and the Dark Angels are always looking for him. Come to think of it, he almost looks like one of them. Supposedly, he is out to get you, and I wouldn't be doing my holy duty if I didn't give you a warning about him. Stay safe, my Lord and Protector!
Sincerely,
Brother Zergsmashstein,
Black Templars Chapter
It appears Illinois hasn't come to a state budget yet, and I'm worried that state universities will shut down if they run out of money. Will Illinois ever come to a state budget? Or will the universities shut down?
To be honest I have no idea what you're talking about. Aren't you aware that the only university is MY university? Also, if I remember correctly Illinois was destroyed during the 25th Millenium, you might want to get your head checked. I'm afraid that you might be seeing things.
Things are a bit boring on the planet of Boringstein IV. Could you maybe send an Ork WAAAGH! or something like that here just so that the boys and I have something to do? Preferably a weaker one so that we don't all die horribly. That would be just great.
Things are a bit boring on the planet of Boringstein IV. Could you maybe send an Ork WAAAGH! or something like that here just so that the boys and I have something to do? Preferably a weaker one so that we don't all die horribly. That would be just great.
Sincerely,
Guardsman #1221415
Dear Guardsman #1221415 (can I just call you '15? of course I can, I'm the Me-damned Emporer of Space damnit)
Thank you for your kind letter. As I sit here defending the whole of reality against endless hoards of psychic Space Demons (who I kind of accidentally unleashed with my warp experiments, my bad really) it's always good to hear from the numberless quintillions of subjects whom I use my vast powers to protect so you can live safe, boring lives rather than say, being sodomized by an endless hoard of Space Demons.
Perhaps you see where this is going.
Please report immediately to the Starship Emperor's Board With a Nail Through It Then With Barbed Wire Wrapped Around It So It Really Hurts, they are about to make a warp jump from Boringstein IV to Dullsville Prime. During the warp jump, when the ship's Geller Field is beseiged by and aforementioned endless hoard of sodomizing Space Demons, they will give you a void suit, a lasgun and toss you out the nearest airlock to do battle with the endless hoard of sodomizing Space Demons and then continue on their merry way.
If you do not report as ordered, well then you can just sit on Me-Damned Boringstein IV and be bored!
Sincerely
The Long-Suffering Space Emporer of Space
Dear the Space Emporer
Today is King Luther Day when we all remember the great deeds of King Luther such as nailing some paper to a door, battling the evil Xenos Warlord Kalel and inventing dreams.
Since you're like a million years old, you're probably the only man alive who actually lived during the Reign of King Luther, except for Perpetuals/Immortals/Highlanders/Sensei and I'm not even sure if they're canon or not.
So can you tell me what King Luther was like?
And can you kind of hurry, I have a report due in school tomorrow.
I can tell you a fair bit about my dear friend Luther. First thing you should know is that he was a party animal. He was constantly partying. I mean seriously, if he wasn't sleeping he was partying. The man was even more of a partier than Russ was during the Great Crusade. Other than that I can't tell you much about him, that whole period of my life is a blur of partying. Sorry about that.
I'm writing this to you in the hopes that you can offer me some advice. So at the moment the planet of Dullstein IV is being attacked by demons. They've overrun most of the planet and are currently stringing the governor up by his entrails outside the building that I'm holed up in. Do you have any recommendations on how to stop a warp incursion when I'm the only Arbite left alive on the planet? Some speed would be appreciated, I can hear the Bloodletters trying to batter down my door.
I'd just get off the planet or let them take your life. If you get off the planet, that's okay. If you let them kill you, go down fighting. You will have died a glorious death.
I have many pets. I have approximately 15 Trillion Humans who I would consider to be my pets. They seriously sacrifice tthemselves by the hundreds just to keep me entertained. It's great really. I bring my mind back from a day of fighting warp entities to find a bunch of dead Psykers at the base of my throne. I also have one dog named Spot, but that's not all that important right now. I hate cats though, those little buggers are annoying, seriously. I've lost track of the number of times I adopted a cat and found him puking up hairballs in the inner workings of my throne. Seriously irritating.
I would like to ask why you allowed Games Workshop to retcon my race out of the history of the Imperium? It's getting annoying when nobody knows exactly what I am and they try to refer to me as a Ratling when I'm clearly a Squat! Can you please get ahold of whoever's in charge of writing down your history and shoot them? And then put at least SOME mention of my kind in the books. Thanks.
I would like to ask why you allowed Games Workshop to retcon my race out of the history of the Imperium? It's getting annoying when nobody knows exactly what I am and they try to refer to me as a Ratling when I'm clearly a Squat! Can you please get ahold of whoever's in charge of writing down your history and shoot them? And then put at least SOME mention of my kind in the books. Thanks.
Regards,
A Squat
Dear Mr. Squat,
Games Workshop didn't tell me they were getting rid of the squats, If I Remember Correctly. But then again, my memory is bad, and they may have told me, I just don't remember it.
As for your question, no, I cannot shoot the scribe who is in charge of writing down my history, but, at the library on Holy Terra, there is a complete, albeit small, section entirely about the squats. I'll reserve those books for you. And I'll talk to my scribe about writing another story about the squats.
Dear Space Emperor,
I've got this cough I can't seem to get rid of. On Thursday, I woke up with a very sore throat. I still went to school, but got worse throughout the day, but my cough had gotten so bad that by Friday, I stayed home to rest. Saturday, it was about the same, except my throat hurt much less. Today, my throat pain is gone (except when I cough), but my cough still sounds rough. I want to go to school tomorrow. How can I get rid of this cough, or make it less rough-sounding?
Dear Sick Dude,
It seems that the chaos god Nurgle has taken an interest in you. The inquisition is on its way to you now. Soon you won't be worrying about being sick, in fact you probably won't be worrying about anything at all.
Regards,
The Emperor of Mankind
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To the Emperor of the Food Sacks,
Could you please send more delicious guardsmen to try to stop our invasions on your planets? They are so good, and we are so disappointed when we've eaten them all. Any more you can send would be appreciated, we get tired of having to eat nothing but vegetable matter. Please don't send Space Marines, though, their meat is a little too tough and tastes funny.
Thanks in advance,
The Tyranids of Hive Fleet Leviathan
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- To the Emperor of the Food Sacks, Could you please send more delicious guardsmen to try to stop our invasions on your planets? They are so good, and we are so disappointed when we've eaten them all. Any more you can send would be appreciated, we get tired of having to eat nothing but vegetable matter. Please don't send Space Marines, though, their meat is a little too tough and tastes funny. Thanks in advance, The Tyranids of Hive Fleet Leviathan
Dear Hive Fleet Leviathan,
The guardsmen are there to kill you, and you keep eating them. I'll have you know that we are low on guardsmen, and cannot spare any more, as most are at War Zone Armageddon. I'll just send more Space Marines.
-Emp
------------------------------------------------------------ Dear Space Emperor, Is my dog at your house? She is a hound mix, black and brown, floppy ears, overweight, and her name is Katie. She'll usually come when called, and her sister really misses her. She's been missing for a week now. Regards, Gravedigger Billy
I don't know if your dog is at my house. The palace is a rather big building, so if she's here she could be literally anywhere. I would suggest you leave a piece of bacon outside your house to try and lure her back. I'm a bit indisposed at the moment so I can't look for her.
Could you kindly ask your troops to stop coming after my Craftworld? It's getting rather irksome that we keep having to pause in our fight against Chaos to murder the idiots that Imperial command keeps sending after us. At this point we're literally just wasting ammo killing these guys.
Could you kindly ask your troops to stop coming after my Craftworld? It's getting rather irksome that we keep having to pause in our fight against Chaos to murder the idiots that Imperial command keeps sending after us. At this point we're literally just wasting ammo killing these guys.
Regards,
Farseer Lilliana of Craftworld Iybraesil
Dear Farseer Lillana of Craftworld Iybraesil,
Sure, we'll stop. But you'll probably deal with other xenos, like, I don't know, the Orks? Keep fighting.
Regards,
Emp,
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Dear Emperor of Mankind,
Have you ever played Chess? I hear it was developed in medieval times, and is a game of strategy. I love to play Chess (Even though I constantly lose at it). Maybe you'd like to play chess with me one day?
First off, please slap your mother for giving you such a silly name. Was she trying to get you beaten up as a child? My word, parents sure have changed since I got on this throne.... Anyway, I'll have to decline the Chess game, I'm a bit engaged fighting off demons with my mind and writing letters to all the people who ask me for advice. Terribly sorry about that. Maybe you should ask your friends?
Regards,
Emperor
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Dear Space Emperor,
I have a problem. Every time I try to summon a demon to kill all the people who have hurt me in the past, I keep inadvertently summoning my wife's cat. Now I understand that cats are jerks, but I highly doubt that the cat is a demon. Can you tell me what I'm doing wrong in my rituals? Thanks.
I have a problem. Every time I try to summon a demon to kill all the people who have hurt me in the past, I keep inadvertently summoning my wife's cat. Now I understand that cats are jerks, but I highly doubt that the cat is a demon. Can you tell me what I'm doing wrong in my rituals? Thanks.
Regards,
Joe.
Dear Joe,
Either you are saying the wrong incantation, or maybe the cat is a demon. Try looking over your spellbooks again, and if that doesn't work, then the cat is likely a demon. Have fun.
Take it easy,
Emp.
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Dear Space Emperor,
Where do you go in the event of a tornado? I go to my bathroom, as I don't have a basement, and most people go to their basements. I also am wondering what you do in the event of a flood, a snowstorm, an ice storm, or other weather phenomenon. Since I live on a hill, I don't have to worry about floods. I rather like snow, so I take advantage of snow while I can. In an ice storm, I try to stay inside. What about you?
I go nowhere when there's a tornado. You want to know why? I control the weather on this dirt heap, so I ensure that no tornados EVER happen. This also applies to every other natural disaster you can think of. I can't move so I ensure that none of that gak ever happens.
Regards,
Space Emp
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Dear Space Emperor,
This is something that's been bothering me for a while. I asked my wife and she told me it was blasphemy to think about it too much, but I'm just so curious. If you're trapped on the Golden Throne, what do you do when you have to go to the bathroom?
This is something that's been bothering me for a while. I asked my wife and she told me it was blasphemy to think about it too much, but I'm just so curious. If you're trapped on the Golden Throne, what do you do when you have to go to the bathroom?
Regards,
Confused Citizen Joe
Dear Confused Citizen Joe,
I'll pretend I didn't hear that.
Regards,
Das emp
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Dear Emp,
Can you see into the future? What about the past?
Regards,
Citizen from 2016
Dear Citizen from 2016,
I can see the past, and I can tell you've probably already sent more annoying letters to me while I'm busy trying to hold the Imperium together and keep Chaos out of it. Now buzz off, or I'll find a way to send some Inquisitors back in time to 2016 and have a 'chat' with you.
Sincerely,
The Emperor of Mankind
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Dear Emperor,
Mail Tag-You're it!
Sincerely,
Random Imperial Citizen
Can you kindly stop spamming my inbox? I have enough to deal with with answering all the idiots that send in mail without you adding to it. The next time you try this gak I'm setting you on fire.
Dear Space Emperor,
Why do the marines have to be such jerks to us Guardsmen whenever they show up? They didn't even bother trying to avoid my friends when they drove through our ranks in their rhinos, and now half my company is lying crushed in our own barracks? Like seriously, what the gak?
Dear Space Emperor, Why do the marines have to be such jerks to us Guardsmen whenever they show up? They didn't even bother trying to avoid my friends when they drove through our ranks in their rhinos, and now half my company is lying crushed in our own barracks? Like seriously, what the gak?
Regards, Irritated Guardsman #1234522352
Dear Irritated Guardsman # 1234522352,
Most of the time, we have to get to the front lines, even if other guardsmen are in the way. For all we know, it could have been very urgent.
Take care,
Das Emp -----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Space Emperor,
We are about ta launch a all-out Waaagh! on yer palace.
Good luck with that bro. Maybe consider going after this "Avatar Room" I hear so much about. They might be a little more approachable than my palace filled with Custodes (who would love nothing more than to rip your head off)
Signed,
Das Emp
-----------------------------------------
Dear Space Emperor,
There are some strange metal men that have begun waking up on my planet. They don't seem to really die (they just get back up!), and I'm pretty sure that their weapons use some sort of sorcery, it literally disintegrates people! Could you send some help? We're kind of dying here.
There are some strange metal men that have begun waking up on my planet. They don't seem to really die (they just get back up!), and I'm pretty sure that their weapons use some sort of sorcery, it literally disintegrates people! Could you send some help? We're kind of dying here.
Regards,
Citizne Bob of Borinstein lll
Dear Citizne Bob of Borinstein lll,
It sounds like you're dealing with Necrons. We'll send some Space Marines. They should be there in, say, 5 days? Try to hold out as long as you can.
Do you really expect me to fall for this gak? Everyone knows that your meatloaf tastes terrible, I'm not leaving my palace just to eat that gak. Try again some other time, maybe try offering pudding next time. Everyone loves pudding
An Ork calling himself "Kaptin Badrukk" just showed up at our space port the other day and demanded that we tell him where the "Avatar Room" is. Could you explain to me just WTF he meant?
Citizen Joe of Boringstein lll (lV got blown up by Necrons)
What Kaptin Badrukk is referring to is what was known in M3 as a "Forum-thread". A series of data-entries made around a certain topic of discussion on a virtual planetary information network. These topics could be about anything from deep philosophical discussions on the self to how certain units in a miniatures wargame were effective when majority consensus was that they were not. The particular forum-thread Badrukk was talking about was on a data-bank known as DakkaDakka which centered on firearms and how certain brands of plastic toys were overpriced. This data-bank was themed around our particular reality as the humans of M3 accurately predicted every detail of what has happened and what was to be. I, the Space Emperor of Mankind, knew of this and tried to do better. My efforts ended in the Horus Heresy. But that is neither here nor there.
The "Avatar Room" was a forum-thread based on the idea of humans acting like the icons they had selected to act as their face when people viewed their data-entries. These pictures would appear to the left of their entry.
Are you confused yet? That is because you are a mere human and I the Space Emperor. Do not trouble yourself with such matters and return to painting the skulls that adorn everything my Imperium makes.
Regards,
Emp.
==========================================================
Dear Space Emperor,
I am writing to you to request the formation of the Grammar and Spelling Inquisition. The efforts of the grammar Third Reich were, while valiant, ultimately doomed by the allied powers. However, I wish to continue the work of the grammar National Socialist German Workers Party. The Grammar and Spelling Inquisition will be an organization dedicated to combating the shocking rise of grammar heresy. Grammar heresy includes the usage of "their" as a gender neutral pronoun and the abuse of the apostrophe. Already I have laid the groundwork for the Ordo Reductivus (Combats inappropriate shortening of words such as tonight to tonite) and the Ordo Capilitais (Combats improper capitalization or lack thereof).
Sincerely yours,
Jerry McGary
Grammar "Enthusiast"
I am writing to you to request the formation of the Grammar and Spelling Inquisition. The efforts of the grammar Third Reich were, while valiant, ultimately doomed by the allied powers. However, I wish to continue the work of the grammar National Socialist German Workers Party. The Grammar and Spelling Inquisition will be an organization dedicated to combating the shocking rise of grammar heresy. Grammar heresy includes the usage of "their" as a gender neutral pronoun and the abuse of the apostrophe. Already I have laid the groundwork for the Ordo Reductivus (Combats inappropriate shortening of words such as tonight to tonite) and the Ordo Capilitais (Combats improper capitalization or lack thereof).
Sincerely yours,
Jerry McGary
Grammar "Enthusiast"
Dear Jerry McGary,
I like your idea. I can't be part of it though, as I have to protect the Imperium from bad guys every day. However, I do have a certain someone in mind who can chair your inquisition. His name is Ninja Scruff, more commonly known as "Mr. Scruff", and his song "Kalimba" is quite popular among us all. You can find him at The Mad House in Doggyshire, England in 2014.
Regards,
Das Emp
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Homeowner,
You have failed to submit to our rightful claim. Be advised that unless you comply, we will be forced to take extreme action. Please remit your home and brains to us forthwith.
By the time you read this I will have already burnt your base of operations to the ground, had your dog shot, and had my Custodes back up your toilet. I kindly suggest you take your "claim" and shove it where the sun doesn't shine.
Loving regards,
Emp
---------------------------------
Dear Space Emperor,
I'm writing this to you to request that an orbital bombardment be launched against my neighbor SpongeBob. He irritates me so much. Every time I try to go practice my epic clarinet skills he's always outside my window giggling like an imbecile. Not only is it insulting to me as an artist, it is also incredibly irritating. Would you mind blowing up his house for me? (preferably with him in it)
I'm writing this to you to request that an orbital bombardment be launched against my neighbor SpongeBob. He irritates me so much. Every time I try to go practice my epic clarinet skills he's always outside my window giggling like an imbecile. Not only is it insulting to me as an artist, it is also incredibly irritating. Would you mind blowing up his house for me? (preferably with him in it)
Regards,
Squidward.
Dear Squidward,
I'll be there in a second. Spongebob will never bother you again.
Regards,
Das Emp
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Dear Emperor,
Could you help us out? We're on Fenris's moon, trying to build snowmen, but these green skinned people keep ruining our work. Fenris is getting hotter. I'm not sure why, but I think it has something to do with these greenskins. We kill them off, but then more come. Can you help us?
I unfortunately cannot help you. I'm rather busy keeping the Imperium from getting torn a new rectum by a massive demon incursion. Maybe you should ask the Space Wolves who are on the planet right next to you?
Regards,
Emp
------------------------------------------
Dear Space Emperor,
I don't really have any questions besides one. Do you know the muffin man?
The only music I truly enjoy is the sounds of my enemies burning to death. It's quite soothing really.
Regards,
Emp
----------------------------------
Dear Space Emperor,
So a CSM Warband is currently rampaging across the other side of this hive city. I was wondering if you had any tips for how to deal with a 3 meter tall killing machine screaming about blood and skulls? Or if you could maybe send us some help. We're pretty much down to stones and harsh language at this point.
Dear Arbite Bob, Don't worry about the Khorne marines running all over your hive city. You won't have to deal with them for long. I've ordered Exterminatus on that planet to cleanse it of the taint of Chaos. Have a nice day! Regards, The Emperor of Mankind ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Dear Emperor, Do you have any pets? I mean besides all those creepy cyber babies and servo skulls floating around everywhere. I picture you as a cat lover myself, but maybe you like dogs? Sincerely, Pet Shop owner on Cadia
Dear Emperor,
Do you have any pets? I mean besides all those creepy cyber babies and servo skulls floating around everywhere. I picture you as a cat lover myself, but maybe you like dogs?
Sincerely,
Pet Shop owner on Cadia
Dear pet shop owner on Cadia,
I have many pets. 500 cats and 200 dogs. They are very nice.
Here the only weather we get is acid rain. Probably something to do with the fact that the entire planet is covered in factories and buildings. It's quite refreshing once your skin becomes tough after being hit by acid rain 20,000 times.
Regards,
Emp
-------------------------------------
Dear Space Emperor,
I wrote to you earlier to ask some advice about dealing with Khorne Marines. Well now the Khorne Marines have gone, and Slaaneshi Marines have taken their place and they are currently playing EXTREMELY loud music outside my house. My cat's head has already exploded from it. What should I do?
I wrote to you earlier to ask some advice about dealing with Khorne Marines. Well now the Khorne Marines have gone, and Slaaneshi Marines have taken their place and they are currently playing EXTREMELY loud music outside my house. My cat's head has already exploded from it. What should I do?
p.s. The exterminatos fleet never made it here.
Regards,
Arbite Bob of Boringstein II
Dear Arbite Bob of Boringstein II,
I just sent the exterminatus. They should be there in about an hour. In the meantime, just hold out as long as you can.
I can't remember what I was going to say. Do you have those moments too?
Sincerely,
Forgetful man
Dear Forgetful Man,
The universe has many horrors yet to throw at us, the Chaos God of Dementia being one of the most foul. This is not the end of our struggle against senility. This is just the beginning of our crusade to save Humanity. Be faithful! Be strong! And for the love of the Emperor, keep taking the medication! I do seem to recall some issues with my memory. Back when I fiddled around in the gene forges making those rather smart looking Adeptus Astartes, I recall giving a press release that went something like this:
'...They are my bulwark against the terror.
They are the defenders of Humanity.
They are my Space Marines...
...and they shall know no...''
and my mind went blank. I apologised and said I fear I had forgotten the rest - though I don't think the little human doing the interview was paying much attention and so wrote it down as 'and they shall know no fear'. I think it sounds much better than my original idea which had something to do with frustration with IKEA furniture. That was the beginning I think, of the memory issues. It was either then of that time I forgot Horus' birthday, and we can all see how THAT turned out, the spoiled diva.
Anyway, I have to go outside and feed the pigeons now with the lovely nurse.
--------------------------------------------
Hail Mighty Emperor of Mankind!
I was reading my weeks horoscope in the newspaper and it said
''Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
You’ve got the moves like Jagger, but unfortunately in your case that means ruining a perfectly good marriage by getting a random Brazilian girl pregnant.''
Now, I'm currently posted on Cadia. Care to fill me in?
I was reading my weeks horoscope in the newspaper and it said
''Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
You’ve got the moves like Jagger, but unfortunately in your case that means ruining a perfectly good marriage by getting a random Brazilian girl pregnant.''
Now, I'm currently posted on Cadia. Care to fill me in?
Dear Random Person,
I am not sure what you mean. Could you be more specific?
Regards,
Das Emp
------------------------------------------------------
Dear Emperor of Mankind,
Where and when were you born? I was born in 1999, in a town called Lyllia.
I wasn't exactly "born" so to speak so I can't really answer your question? Try again later I guess?
Regards,
Emp
---------------------------------------
Dear Space Emperor,
A while I go I sent you a letter about the Slaneeshi CSM that were playing dubstep on my planet. Well now they've moved on and some Thousand Sons have taken their place. They're doing some really weird stuff too, my dog was sacrificed as part of some ritual. Any advice on what to do?
A while I go I sent you a letter about the Slaneeshi CSM that were playing dubstep on my planet. Well now they've moved on and some Thousand Sons have taken their place. They're doing some really weird stuff too, my dog was sacrificed as part of some ritual. Any advice on what to do?
Regards,
Arbite Bob of Boringstein III (again)
Dear Arbite Bob of Boringstein III,
Did the Exterminatus ever arrive? If so, use them. If not, I'll send another one. In the meantime, just get away from them or use your men to fight them off.
Dear Curious Citizen,
Why do you want to know what I wear under the holy pants? It's seriously creepy. Oh well, if you must know, the answer is neither. I usually go commando. Hope that satisfies your curiosity. Now you can tell the nice Inquisitors who will be "interviewing" you about it for the next, well, rest of your life.
Regards,
The Emperor
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Hey Emperor,
Your mother was a Murloc, and you smell like a Leper Gnome!
Signed,
An Evil Heckler at the Hearthstone Tavern
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hey Emperor,
Your mother was a Murloc, and you smell like a Leper Gnome!
Signed,
An Evil Heckler at the Hearthstone Tavern
Dear Evil Heckler at the Hearthstone Tavern,
I think your attempt to scare me has failed. My mother was a very nice woman, and I smell like rotting flesh, not a Leper Gnome.
Sincerely,
Das Emp
----------------------------
Howdy Emprah,
You ever heard of the Wild West? It's fun here, with lots of guns, bank robbing, and other corny stuff. I can take you in my time machine and take you to the Wild West of the 19th century. If you agree, I'll ask someone else to take your place.
What is faster, an English swallow, or an African one?
Regards,
King Arthur from Monty Python and the Holy Grail
Dear King Arthur from Monty Python and the Holy Grail,
I will not answer you. That is a completely ridiculous question. Go bother someone else.
Love (not really),
Das emp
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Dear Emperor,
This is Madness!
Madness?
THIS...IS...SPARTA!!!!!!
Sincerely,
King Leonidas from 300
I regret to inform you that this is not Sparta. This IS TERRA! Please stand still for a while so I can send a Custode to kick you off the nearest convenient cliff.
Do you know what kind of computers there are in the 41st millennium? Here in 2016, computers are good, and fast too. What about there?
Regards,
Citizen from 2016
Well, we have one billion P graphics with high resolution super textures that your puny eyes can't even comprehend, frame rates of up to 21,000 frames per millisecond, particle explosion future systems, advanced manipulation engines, occulus rift support of up to 6 simultanious occuluses, and video card mega graphic throttling with ram processors.
Yes, becoming a God is my final form. But, am I really a god? No, I'm just a man sitting on a throne answering people's ridiculous letters and holding off Daemon incursions.
Regards,
Das emp
--------------------------------------------------
Dear Emperor,
One seven three four six seven three two one four seven six Charlie three two seven eight nine seven seven seven six four three Tango seven three two Victor seven three one one seven eight eight eight seven three two four seven six seven eight nine seven six four three seven six Lock.
Regards,
Password Geek
The Rogue Trader Roland Trumparo is defeating me at every turn! I can't seem to stop his advance!
Already Governor Jebediah and Governor Christopholous have fallen to him, why Christopholis has actually gone and joined his campaign!
Do you think if I subtly insult the size of his penis it will bring me victory?
Sincerely
Marcus of Rubicon 4
Dear Marcus of Rubicon 4,
You should never insult people. Especially their private parts. Now, promise me you won't insult anyone or I'll send an exterminatus to kill you.
Regards,
Das Emp
-------------------------
Dear Emperor,
Does Earth still have a 24 hour day in your time frame? What about a 7 day week. Or a 365 day year?
Yours,
Citizen from 2016
-------------------------
Dear Emperor,
Does Earth still have a 24 hour day in your time frame? What about a 7 day week. Or a 365 day year?
Yours,
Citizen from 2016
-------------------------
Dear citizen,
What is this "Earth" you speak of? Some tiny, insignificant planet only good for Conscripts?
I don't know why I waste my time with these questions.
Yours truly,
Glorious Emperor of Speece
--------------------------
Dear Sir Empsalot.
I am writing to you to perchance ask does a noble gentleman such as yourself have a keen sense of hat fashion? Truly it puts the "gentle" in gentleman if I do say so myself ho ho.
Yours gracefully,
Well spoken Imperialis gentleman of society with a great collection of monocles.
)
starts to happen. Like this one time, I dreamed that I had a bunch of sons, and it was all cool, and then one of them said, "I don't like you anymore, daddy!" And so I was like "Son, I am disappoint", and then we had to fight and he nearly beat me to death...
Deer 'Oly Emprah
Slannesh
You must pass my judgement immediatly. Otherwise, I shall be forced to dispatch Commissar F***law to do your job. After which he will also execute you.
?
) !
Sorry you are who again?
Hi, yeah, oh this is so awkward... 
S'up yo 
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