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 TheCustomLime wrote:

Dear Space Emperor,

I am writing to you to request the formation of the Grammar and Spelling Inquisition. The efforts of the grammar Third Reich were, while valiant, ultimately doomed by the allied powers. However, I wish to continue the work of the grammar National Socialist German Workers Party. The Grammar and Spelling Inquisition will be an organization dedicated to combating the shocking rise of grammar heresy. Grammar heresy includes the usage of "their" as a gender neutral pronoun and the abuse of the apostrophe. Already I have laid the groundwork for the Ordo Reductivus (Combats inappropriate shortening of words such as tonight to tonite) and the Ordo Capilitais (Combats improper capitalization or lack thereof).

Sincerely yours,
Jerry McGary
Grammar "Enthusiast"

Dear Jerry McGary,

I like your idea. I can't be part of it though, as I have to protect the Imperium from bad guys every day. However, I do have a certain someone in mind who can chair your inquisition. His name is Ninja Scruff, more commonly known as "Mr. Scruff", and his song "Kalimba" is quite popular among us all. You can find him at The Mad House in Doggyshire, England in 2014.

Regards,

Das Emp
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Homeowner,

You have failed to submit to our rightful claim. Be advised that unless you comply, we will be forced to take extreme action. Please remit your home and brains to us forthwith.

Sincerely,

Dr. Egdar Zomboss

Dear Dr. Zomboss,

By the time you read this I will have already burnt your base of operations to the ground, had your dog shot, and had my Custodes back up your toilet. I kindly suggest you take your "claim" and shove it where the sun doesn't shine.

Loving regards,

Emp

---------------------------------

Dear Space Emperor,

I'm writing this to you to request that an orbital bombardment be launched against my neighbor SpongeBob. He irritates me so much. Every time I try to go practice my epic clarinet skills he's always outside my window giggling like an imbecile. Not only is it insulting to me as an artist, it is also incredibly irritating. Would you mind blowing up his house for me? (preferably with him in it)

Regards,

Squidward.

 War Kitten wrote:


Dear Space Emperor,

I'm writing this to you to request that an orbital bombardment be launched against my neighbor SpongeBob. He irritates me so much. Every time I try to go practice my epic clarinet skills he's always outside my window giggling like an imbecile. Not only is it insulting to me as an artist, it is also incredibly irritating. Would you mind blowing up his house for me? (preferably with him in it)

Regards,

Squidward.

Dear Squidward,

I'll be there in a second. Spongebob will never bother you again.

Regards,

Das Emp
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Emperor,

Could you help us out? We're on Fenris's moon, trying to build snowmen, but these green skinned people keep ruining our work. Fenris is getting hotter. I'm not sure why, but I think it has something to do with these greenskins. We kill them off, but then more come. Can you help us?

Sincerely,

The snowmen builders on Fenris's moon.

Dear Snowmen Builder,

I unfortunately cannot help you. I'm rather busy keeping the Imperium from getting torn a new rectum by a massive demon incursion. Maybe you should ask the Space Wolves who are on the planet right next to you?

Regards,

Emp


------------------------------------------

Dear Space Emperor,

I don't really have any questions besides one. Do you know the muffin man?

Sincerely,

Bob

 War Kitten wrote:

Dear Space Emperor,

I don't really have any questions besides one. Do you know the muffin man?

Sincerely,

Bob

Dear Bob,

I do know the muffin man. We have dinner once a month together. He is truly a nice guy.

Sincerely,

Das Emp

-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Space Emperor,

What kind of music do you like? Personally, I like Video Game music, like Super Mario Galaxy's Gusty Garden music. What about you?

Regards,

The music corps

Dear Music Corps,

The only music I truly enjoy is the sounds of my enemies burning to death. It's quite soothing really.

Regards,

Emp

----------------------------------

Dear Space Emperor,

So a CSM Warband is currently rampaging across the other side of this hive city. I was wondering if you had any tips for how to deal with a 3 meter tall killing machine screaming about blood and skulls? Or if you could maybe send us some help. We're pretty much down to stones and harsh language at this point.

Regards,

Arbite Bob of Boringstein II

Dear Arbite Bob,
Don't worry about the Khorne marines running all over your hive city. You won't have to deal with them for long. I've ordered Exterminatus on that planet to cleanse it of the taint of Chaos. Have a nice day!
Regards,
The Emperor of Mankind
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Emperor,
Do you have any pets? I mean besides all those creepy cyber babies and servo skulls floating around everywhere. I picture you as a cat lover myself, but maybe you like dogs?
Sincerely,
Pet Shop owner on Cadia

 ZergSmasher wrote:

Dear Emperor,
Do you have any pets? I mean besides all those creepy cyber babies and servo skulls floating around everywhere. I picture you as a cat lover myself, but maybe you like dogs?
Sincerely,
Pet Shop owner on Cadia

Dear pet shop owner on Cadia,

I have many pets. 500 cats and 200 dogs. They are very nice.

Regards,

Das Emp

---------------------------------------------
Dear Emperor,

What's the weather like at your palace? Here in 2016, it's snowing, and we'll get Sleet and Freezing Rain later.

Sincerely,

Citizen from 2016

Dear 2016 Citizen,

Here the only weather we get is acid rain. Probably something to do with the fact that the entire planet is covered in factories and buildings. It's quite refreshing once your skin becomes tough after being hit by acid rain 20,000 times.

Regards,
Emp


-------------------------------------

Dear Space Emperor,

I wrote to you earlier to ask some advice about dealing with Khorne Marines. Well now the Khorne Marines have gone, and Slaaneshi Marines have taken their place and they are currently playing EXTREMELY loud music outside my house. My cat's head has already exploded from it. What should I do?

p.s. The exterminatus fleet never made it here.

Regards,

Arbite Bob of Boringstein II

 War Kitten wrote:

-------------------------------------

Dear Space Emperor,

I wrote to you earlier to ask some advice about dealing with Khorne Marines. Well now the Khorne Marines have gone, and Slaaneshi Marines have taken their place and they are currently playing EXTREMELY loud music outside my house. My cat's head has already exploded from it. What should I do?

p.s. The exterminatos fleet never made it here.

Regards,

Arbite Bob of Boringstein II

Dear Arbite Bob of Boringstein II,

I just sent the exterminatus. They should be there in about an hour. In the meantime, just hold out as long as you can.

Regards,

Das Emp

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Emp,

I can't remember what I was going to say. Do you have those moments too?

Sincerely,

Forgetful man

 KaptinBadrukk wrote:


Dear Emp,

I can't remember what I was going to say. Do you have those moments too?

Sincerely,

Forgetful man

Dear Forgetful Man,

The universe has many horrors yet to throw at us, the Chaos God of Dementia being one of the most foul. This is not the end of our struggle against senility. This is just the beginning of our crusade to save Humanity. Be faithful! Be strong! And for the love of the Emperor, keep taking the medication! I do seem to recall some issues with my memory. Back when I fiddled around in the gene forges making those rather smart looking Adeptus Astartes, I recall giving a press release that went something like this:

'...They are my bulwark against the terror.
They are the defenders of Humanity.
They are my Space Marines...
...and they shall know no...''

and my mind went blank. I apologised and said I fear I had forgotten the rest - though I don't think the little human doing the interview was paying much attention and so wrote it down as 'and they shall know no fear'. I think it sounds much better than my original idea which had something to do with frustration with IKEA furniture. That was the beginning I think, of the memory issues. It was either then of that time I forgot Horus' birthday, and we can all see how THAT turned out, the spoiled diva.

Anyway, I have to go outside and feed the pigeons now with the lovely nurse.



--------------------------------------------


Hail Mighty Emperor of Mankind!

I was reading my weeks horoscope in the newspaper and it said

''Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
You’ve got the moves like Jagger, but unfortunately in your case that means ruining a perfectly good marriage by getting a random Brazilian girl pregnant.''

Now, I'm currently posted on Cadia. Care to fill me in?

 Wulfmar wrote:



Hail Mighty Emperor of Mankind!

I was reading my weeks horoscope in the newspaper and it said

''Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
You’ve got the moves like Jagger, but unfortunately in your case that means ruining a perfectly good marriage by getting a random Brazilian girl pregnant.''

Now, I'm currently posted on Cadia. Care to fill me in?

Dear Random Person,

I am not sure what you mean. Could you be more specific?

Regards,

Das Emp
------------------------------------------------------

Dear Emperor of Mankind,

Where and when were you born? I was born in 1999, in a town called Lyllia.

Regards,

Citizen from 2016

Dear Citizen,

I wasn't exactly "born" so to speak so I can't really answer your question? Try again later I guess?

Regards,

Emp

---------------------------------------

Dear Space Emperor,

A while I go I sent you a letter about the Slaneeshi CSM that were playing dubstep on my planet. Well now they've moved on and some Thousand Sons have taken their place. They're doing some really weird stuff too, my dog was sacrificed as part of some ritual. Any advice on what to do?

Regards,

Arbite Bob of Boringstein III (again)

 War Kitten wrote:

Dear Space Emperor,

A while I go I sent you a letter about the Slaneeshi CSM that were playing dubstep on my planet. Well now they've moved on and some Thousand Sons have taken their place. They're doing some really weird stuff too, my dog was sacrificed as part of some ritual. Any advice on what to do?

Regards,

Arbite Bob of Boringstein III (again)

Dear Arbite Bob of Boringstein III,

Did the Exterminatus ever arrive? If so, use them. If not, I'll send another one. In the meantime, just get away from them or use your men to fight them off.

Regards,

Das emp

-------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Emp,

Do you know Vic Fontaine? He's a hologram in the program "Bashir 62". Can you come see him?

Regards,

Julian Bashir

Dear Julian,

No I never knew Vic Fontaine. Nor do I ever care to. I have way too much gak to do to think about watching random programs.

Regards,

Emp

------------------------------------------------------

Dear Space Emperor,

Boxers or Briefs?

Regards,

Curious Citizen

Dear Curious Citizen,
Why do you want to know what I wear under the holy pants? It's seriously creepy. Oh well, if you must know, the answer is neither. I usually go commando. Hope that satisfies your curiosity. Now you can tell the nice Inquisitors who will be "interviewing" you about it for the next, well, rest of your life.
Regards,
The Emperor
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hey Emperor,
Your mother was a Murloc, and you smell like a Leper Gnome!
Signed,
An Evil Heckler at the Hearthstone Tavern

 ZergSmasher wrote:

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hey Emperor,
Your mother was a Murloc, and you smell like a Leper Gnome!
Signed,
An Evil Heckler at the Hearthstone Tavern

Dear Evil Heckler at the Hearthstone Tavern,

I think your attempt to scare me has failed. My mother was a very nice woman, and I smell like rotting flesh, not a Leper Gnome.

Sincerely,
Das Emp

----------------------------
Howdy Emprah,

You ever heard of the Wild West? It's fun here, with lots of guns, bank robbing, and other corny stuff. I can take you in my time machine and take you to the Wild West of the 19th century. If you agree, I'll ask someone else to take your place.

See ya,
Corny Citizen

Dear Corny Citizen,

You have offended my sensibilities with your "wild west" talk. Prepare to be purged.

Love,

Emperor

----------------------------------------

Dear Space Emperor,

Your mother was a hamster, and your father smelt of Elder Berries!

Regards,

That one French Knight from Monty Python and the Holy Grail

 War Kitten wrote:


Dear Space Emperor,

Your mother was a hamster, and your father smelt of Elder Berries!

Regards,

That one French Knight from Monty Python and the Holy Grail

Dear French Knight from Monty Python and the Holy Grail,

For your information, my mother was a very nice woman, and my father did not smell of Elder Berries.

Regards,
Das emp
--------------------------------------------
Dear Emp,
Can you jump up and down very slowly?
Regards,
LMMJVSD

Dear LMMJVSD,

No I can't. I'm stuck on the Golden Throne you insensitive jerk.

Regards,

Space Emperor

--------------------------------------

Dear Space Emperor,

What is faster, an English swallow, or an African one?

Regards,

King Arthur from Monty Python and the Holy Grail

 War Kitten wrote:

Dear Space Emperor,

What is faster, an English swallow, or an African one?

Regards,

King Arthur from Monty Python and the Holy Grail

Dear King Arthur from Monty Python and the Holy Grail,

I will not answer you. That is a completely ridiculous question. Go bother someone else.

Love (not really),
Das emp

----------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Emperor,
This is Madness!
Madness?
THIS...IS...SPARTA!!!!!!
Sincerely,
King Leonidas from 300

Dear King Leonidas,

I regret to inform you that this is not Sparta. This IS TERRA! Please stand still for a while so I can send a Custode to kick you off the nearest convenient cliff.

Regards,

Space Emperor

---------------------------------------------------

Dear Space Emperor,

You still have not answered my question. What is faster, an English Swallow, or an African one?

Regards,

King Arthur

 War Kitten wrote:


Dear Space Emperor,

You still have not answered my question. What is faster, an English Swallow, or an African one?

Regards,

King Arthur

Dear King Arthur,

I'll answer you: I DON'T KNOW! I'm sending an Exterminatus your way. You won't have to worry about me or anyone else before long.

Regards,

Das Emp

---------------------------------------------------------
Dear Emperor,

Do you know what kind of computers there are in the 41st millennium? Here in 2016, computers are good, and fast too. What about there?

Regards,

Citizen from 2016

---------------------------------------------------------
Dear Emperor,

Do you know what kind of computers there are in the 41st millennium? Here in 2016, computers are good, and fast too. What about there?

Regards,

Citizen from 2016


Well, we have one billion P graphics with high resolution super textures that your puny eyes can't even comprehend, frame rates of up to 21,000 frames per millisecond, particle explosion future systems, advanced manipulation engines, occulus rift support of up to 6 simultanious occuluses, and video card mega graphic throttling with ram processors.

Still havent cracked error 404 though.

Yours truly,
Glorious Emperor of Mankind

------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Our Golden Leader

Is becoming a god even your final form?

Kind regards,
Imperial Citizen no. 36572123

 WarbossDakka wrote:



Dear Our Golden Leader

Is becoming a god even your final form?

Kind regards,
Imperial Citizen no. 36572123

Dear Imperial Citizen no. 36572123,

Yes, becoming a God is my final form. But, am I really a god? No, I'm just a man sitting on a throne answering people's ridiculous letters and holding off Daemon incursions.

Regards,

Das emp
--------------------------------------------------
Dear Emperor,
One seven three four six seven three two one four seven six Charlie three two seven eight nine seven seven seven six four three Tango seven three two Victor seven three one one seven eight eight eight seven three two four seven six seven eight nine seven six four three seven six Lock.
Regards,
Password Geek

Dear Passworld Geek,

Your password is actually one, two, three, four. It sounds remarkably like a password that an idiot would put on their luggage.

Regards,
Space Emperor.

------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Space Emperor,

I need your opinion on something. Should I order my pizza with anchovies or pineapple? I can't decide.

Regards,
Concerned Citizen

 War Kitten wrote:


Dear Space Emperor,

I need your opinion on something. Should I order my pizza with anchovies or pineapple? I can't decide.

Regards,
Concerned Citizen

Dear Concerned Citizen,

You should order a pizza with anchovies. I think pineapple is disgusting! Especially when it's on pizza.

Regards.
Das Emp
------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Emp,

Did you know that the light of your Astronomican is drawing the Tyranids into your galaxy? I advise turning the light off.

Sincerely,

Imperial citizen #173467321476

 KaptinBadrukk wrote:
[
Dear Emp,

Did you know that the light of your Astronomican is drawing the Tyranids into your galaxy? I advise turning the light off.

Sincerely,

Imperial citizen #173467321476

Dear Citizen,

Ah but you see that is the genius of my plan. Have you ever seen a bug drawn to a light, closer, closer, closer, then... ZAP!

Well that's what I'm doing!

Of course it's kind of a shame about all those worlds they'll eat on the way but y'know, omlettes, eggs, all that.

And a lot of those worlds have orks or heretics or whatever so y'know, win-win.

Sincerelly
Teh Space Emporer
SUPER GENIUS!

---------------------------------------------
Dear Teh

Help, help!

The Rogue Trader Roland Trumparo is defeating me at every turn! I can't seem to stop his advance!

Already Governor Jebediah and Governor Christopholous have fallen to him, why Christopholis has actually gone and joined his campaign!

Do you think if I subtly insult the size of his penis it will bring me victory?

Sincerely
Marcus of Rubicon 4

 Kid_Kyoto wrote:

Dear Teh

Help, help!

The Rogue Trader Roland Trumparo is defeating me at every turn! I can't seem to stop his advance!

Already Governor Jebediah and Governor Christopholous have fallen to him, why Christopholis has actually gone and joined his campaign!

Do you think if I subtly insult the size of his penis it will bring me victory?

Sincerely
Marcus of Rubicon 4

Dear Marcus of Rubicon 4,

You should never insult people. Especially their private parts. Now, promise me you won't insult anyone or I'll send an exterminatus to kill you.

Regards,

Das Emp

-------------------------
Dear Emperor,
Does Earth still have a 24 hour day in your time frame? What about a 7 day week. Or a 365 day year?
Yours,
Citizen from 2016

-------------------------
Dear Emperor,
Does Earth still have a 24 hour day in your time frame? What about a 7 day week. Or a 365 day year?
Yours,
Citizen from 2016
-------------------------

Dear citizen,

What is this "Earth" you speak of? Some tiny, insignificant planet only good for Conscripts?

I don't know why I waste my time with these questions.

Yours truly,

Glorious Emperor of Speece
--------------------------

Dear Sir Empsalot.

I am writing to you to perchance ask does a noble gentleman such as yourself have a keen sense of hat fashion? Truly it puts the "gentle" in gentleman if I do say so myself ho ho.

Yours gracefully,
Well spoken Imperialis gentleman of society with a great collection of monocles.