Ask teh Space Emporer!

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**Wrakkar**

necrovamp wrote:
Dear Jhun

It's not a thermos flask, thats just valhalla, if you want heat go and talk to Loki

Your emps

Dear Emps

Would you like me to come and tend to your 'personal' needs again?

Missing you imperially

Your humble important oh so not worthy brownnosing servant slave

Calgar

Dear Calgar,

Though your primarch, rowboat girlyman wrote a codex, it does not mean I want your chapter acting in such a way.
As your punishment, I shall have the Dark Angels acting as the poster boys for a while.

Yours embarressedly, Empy.

Too Da 'Umie Emprah.

Wherez mai bestest grot!?

Luv frum Ghazkhull

**Squigsquasher**

Dear Ghazgkull Mag Uruk Thraka,

You have no favourite grot. He was just a figment of your imagination. In fact, your entire army, empire, and status as a prophet of Gork and Mork is just a psychological construct to protect you from the trauma of losing your wife and family to a car crash. You are, in fact, lying in a hospital bed in a coma.

Yours coldly,

Teh Spess Emprah In Spess.

Dear Emperor,

Where is my Companion Cube? I'm lonely...

Yours sadly,

Chell.

PS: Wheatley says hello.

PPS: Space Core says "SPAAAAAAAACE!"

PPPS: Anger Core says "RARGHTHARRARRATHHHRGGGGLLLLTHH...rrrrgggg..."

"AAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGG!!!!!!!"

**Dr. Temujin**

Dear Emperor,

Where is my Companion Cube? I'm lonely...

Yours sadly,

Chell.

PS: Wheatley says hello.

PPS: Space Core says "SPAAAAAAAACE!"

PPPS: Anger Core says "RARGHTHARRARRATHHHRGGGGLLLLTHH...rrrrgggg..."

"AAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGG!!!!!!!"

**Squigsquasher**

Dr. Temujin wrote:
Dear Emperor,

Where is my Companion Cube? I'm lonely...

Yours sadly,

Chell.

PS: Wheatley says hello.

PPS: Space Core says "SPAAAAAAAACE!"

PPPS: Anger Core says "RARGHTHARRARRATHHHRGGGGLLLLTHH...rrrrgggg..."

"AAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGG!!!!!!!"

Well, umm... I must say, that last, err, core sounds rather angry. You sure he hasn't committed his soul to Khorne or something?
*muttering from behind* wait, what was that? ... oh, they're AI, you say? Well, that changes everything! Since you're collaborating with rogue Artificial Intelligences, I have no choice but to detain you for further questioning.
Oh, and no Cube for you.
Enjoying some delicious cake,
Emps

Dear Emperor-figure,
So, I think I made a big mistake by invading this galaxy. I could have sworn I should have taken a right somewhere, but it appears I am lost and ended up here by mistake. Do you think you could direct me to the Andromeda Galaxy instead? It would be much appreciated.
Thanks,
The Hivemind

**Dr. Temujin**

Dear Mister Emperor,

Why is everybody so negative in your universe? I've been there, and everybody is so fixated over maiming, killing and burning. Most of the angriest ones seem to be big strong men in armour, which makes me wonder if they suffer erectile dysfunction. If so, tell them it's OK, lots of people suffer it.

Have any of you tried cuddling a Chocobo? It's very therapeutic.

Yours cheerfully,

Vannile. XXX.

Dear silly mortal,
Erectile dysfunction? Nonsense! There's actually a very good reason for everyone being so angry, and it's because [redacted by Games Workshop. Silly fans, why should we talk about a Space Marine's private parts when we can always keep it ambiguous?] and that's why Space Marines are so angry all the time.
Feasting on delectable Chocobo,
E.

Our Emperor, Who Art On Terra, Hallowed Be Thy Name,
My Emperor, I seem to have a problem. The other day, I was, uh... discussing "politics" with a Sister of Battle, and we... uh, moved our "discussion" to the bedroom, when... well, it's rather embarrassing to say... my "plasma pistol" detonated in a "pre-emptive attack". Now, she won't even return my vox calls. I'm so ashamed, I put myself in a Pain Glove for three whole days without interruption. Is there anything I can do about my problem?
In Your Holy Name,
Anonymous Imperial Fist

**Squigsquasher**

Dear Anonymous Imperial Fist,

You poor thing. Maybe it's time to move on and find someone new. That Vanille seemed a nice person. Why don't you give her a call? I'm sure she will understand your problems.

Yours Sympathetically,

Teh Immawtul Spess Emprah.

Dear False Spess Emprah,

Me and the Alpha Legion are struggling with the Blood Ravens and their Metal Bawkses. How do you propose we take away their Metal Bawkses?

Yours Frustratedly,

Fievarus Carron of the Alpha Legion.

PS: Leave the Chocobos alone or I will tear your spine out and sodomize you with it (your spine, not the Chocobo).

**Dr. Temujin**

Dear False Spess Emprah,

Me and the Alpha Legion are struggling with the Blood Ravens and their Metal Bawkses. How do you propose we take away their Metal Bawkses?

Yours Frustratedly,

Fievarus Carron of the Alpha Legion.

PS: Leave the Chocobos alone or I will tear your spine out and sodomize you with it (your spine, not the Chocobo).

Dear Alpha Derp Derp,
Really, you should think about the Blood Ravens' feelings. I mean, how would YOU feel if someone took YOUR dedicated transports (for fething's sake, they're called RHINOS, Me-Dammit!)? Now, go sit in the corner and think about your life really hard!
Hanging out in the Astronomican,
Teh Emprah of SPEHSS
P.S. Wait, why would I leave a P.S. to myself? That's rather silly of me... though I suppose myself from the past is subtly telling me to open up a Chocobo farm or something... if I knew what a Chocobo was...
(Don't worry, I know what one is)

Dear Empwah,
I've been a very good girl this year. I already joined an Inqushitor gang, and helped them identify my parents for heresy for sneezing at your shrines. Can I have my own Plasma Cannon? Pleeeaaaaase??
Suzy

**kitch102**

Dr. Temujin wrote:
[b][color=darkred]

Dear Empwah,
I've been a very good girl this year. I already joined an Inqushitor gang, and helped them identify my parents for heresy for sneezing at your shrines. Can I have my own Plasma Cannon? Pleeeaaaaase??
Suzy

Deawist ickle Suzy Wuzy,

Of course you can have your own pwasma cannon schnookums! But only because you have been a vewy special ickle lady by helping the nice inquisitor with his purging

As an added ickle bonus, I'ma gona send you to Teh Rock for some 'fessional lessons by people in dresses (you know Suzy, I once asked El Jonson what was with the dresses, and if he's gay. He said he isn't, though I think he was lion...

)

You have a lovely day now.

Teh Emps of the galaxy and all the other bits

---------------------------------------------------

Mighty Emperor,

Hello. This is Adjutant Jorje Lucas here. My liege, I was wondering if you would care for an introductory text wall and theme song to be played out on the palace walls? We can have the text getting smaller as it gets to the top so it looks like it's rolling off in to the distance, and lots of trumpets and things? I'm happy to knock one out for you at my own pleasure. Once you have reviewed it's success, we could look at expanding this to be played out as a precursor to Space Marine planetary assaults? Folk will hear the music and be all like "Oh noes! Teh Spehss Mahrenz! Run run!" and then see the moving words and be all like "Er-mah-gerd! Nota text wall!" This could open up all kinds of avenues of psychological warfare that we can play with. Sooooo, wodya think? Just fill out this little purchase order, sign here, and we're good

BFF's fo' life yo'. Word to yo mama.

Jorje

**Squigsquasher**

Dear Jorje Lucas,

Whilst I admire your creativity, I wonder about the long term effectiveness of the tactic. The first 3 times it should work really well, but the next 3 could potentially suck, ruining any chance of further use.

Yours Interestedly,

Teh Spess Emprah of Spess, In Spess.

Hey, Emprah!

I am Painis Cupcake! I will eat you!

Yours,

Painis Cupcake.

**Dr. Temujin**

Hey, Emprah!

I am Painis Cupcake! I will eat you!

Yours,

Painis Cupcake.

Dear Painis Cupcake,
NOPE.AVI
Yours in trolling,
The Engie Emps

Dear Corpse Emperor,
I am Kor'sath, the Everlasting! ... but as of late, I feel a bit outdated. See, I'm a Chaos Dreadnought. I've been around the block many times, and I have been fighting the enemies of the Black Legion for ten thousand years, blah blah blah, death to the False Emperor and all that stuff (no offense, it's part of the job description, I have to scream it every now and then). Now, I keep hearing about this thing called a Hell Brute. Supposedly this new kid is supposed to be better at my job? I dunno, all this new information and rumors make me very nervous. Just because I'm made partly of pewter, doesn't mean I don't have uses anymore! Please tell me what's going to happen to a poor dreadnought like myself.
Yours faithfully, Death to the Emperor (again, I'm really sorry about that),
A very worried Chaos Dreadnought

**Deadshot**

Dear Chaos Dreadnought

I am also wary of these rumours (obviously you are bad enough and Helbrutes are worse so you understand my worry). However, you are correct, it will replace you. However you will find a very important role in the years to come. You will be still found in the lines of the Black Legion but you may see one of these Helbrutes doing your job. The only thing you can do is go Fire Frenzy and destroy him. However, I spoke of a role. I cannot reveal much. But when the time comes and you are put into an enormous sock, do so with glee and wait for the screaming.
Good Luck Mr Dreadsock
Emperor

Someone else go I can't think of one.

**Dr. Temujin**

Dear Father,
Hey, dad. It's me, Dorn. I'm transmitting from the Warp, and I'm here with Guilliman (something about his spirit being separated from the body from the future, or something. I dunno, I was still confused even after he explained it.). Anyways, he was being arrogant as always, and he decided to have a contest to see who could maintain a more perfect military stance. We've been at it for nearly a year now. So, I dictate this to an Imperial lackey who just happened to be here to ask you for your opinion. Only you can be a more objective judge of our contest.
Your son,
Rogal Dorn.

**Squigsquasher**

Dear Rogal Dorn,

I'm afraid I cannot say, as I can't pick favourites among my children. Besides, Perturabo has much better stance.

Yours Lovingly,

Papa, Teh Spess Emprah.

Dear Spess Emprah,

I have made a shocking discovery. Games Workshop, the company that makes the small and usually wonderful statues in the image of my Daemons, seems to be making them somewhat...inaccurately. They are covered in wrinkles, freakishly ugly, and prudishly modest. They seem to think that my Fiends are horse/duck/poodle/scorpion hybrids, and as for what they've done to the Keeper of Secrets...My girls are very upset and would like something done. Can you help?

Yours androgynously,

Slaanesh.

**Kid_Kyoto**

Squigsquasher wrote:

Dear Spess Emprah,

I have made a shocking discovery. Games Workshop, the company that makes the small and usually wonderful statues in the image of my Daemons, seems to be making them somewhat...inaccurately. They are covered in wrinkles, freakishly ugly, and prudishly modest. They seem to think that my Fiends are horse/duck/poodle/scorpion hybrids, and as for what they've done to the Keeper of Secrets...My girls are very upset and would like something done. Can you help?

Yours androgynously,

Slaanesh.

Dear Slaan,

Listen, I got a long list of bones to pick with Games Workshop, I mean seriously $25 for a librarian? And it's made of Finecast?

So my point being, your little problems are pretty far down my list.

Oh and uh, something, something, purge, die, etc. Poker with Night Bringer and Khaine Sunday?

The big E

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

My master,

As a Company Captain of the Iron Snakes I recently found myself battling our arch nemesises the Dark Thornes.

As I waved my diamond-hard sword, crackling with power, as my pistol ejaculated white hot blasts into the faces of my foes I finally grappled with one. I threw him down clutched my mighty weapon and prepared to penetrate his rear armor and...

And suddenly I was all like, y'know this is pretty gay.

So I just walked off and headed back to the Thunderhawk. Soon I was flying back to my super secret club house which I share with 1000 other burly men and no girls.

So like, am I the only one who feels this way?

Yours
Johnson Rockhard
Master of the Cannons
Lord of Penetration
5th Company Iron Snakes

**necrovamp**

Dear emps

Me and the brothers have been talking recently, we have need to discuss the issue of 'power armour' with you.

''For gaks sake how do you relive yourself in it? i cant take it off and i cannot find a trapdoor anywhere!

Please help

Thee constipated brothers of 3rd company salamanders.

**Kid_Kyoto**

sigh someone's not playing by the rules, you're supposed to answer the prior question before asking your own.

So...

necrovamp wrote:

Dear emps

Me and the brothers have been talking recently, we have need to discuss the issue of 'power armour' with you.

''For gaks sake how do you relive yourself in it? i cant take it off and i cannot find a trapdoor anywhere!

Please help

Thee constipated brothers of 3rd company salamanders.

My valiant servants,

You seem to believe you have found a problem in power armor when in fact you have found a feature.

I remember one time in the 28th millennium my bran supply was interrupted by a warp storm. Let me tell you, when you're 28,000 years old bran is NOT optional.

That was a long, long century.

So when the time came to design my angry bald superwarriors I made sure to incorporate that feature into their armor. You want relief? You'll get relief AFTER YOU WIN.

So go out there, ahem, do you doodie!

Your most wise and beneficent master
E

***
My lord! Why have your forsaken me and not answered my question?

Johnson Rockhard
Master of the Cannons
Lord of Penetration
5th Company Iron Snakes

My master,

As a Company Captain of the Iron Snakes I recently found myself battling our arch nemesises the Dark Thornes.

As I waved my diamond-hard sword, crackling with power, as my pistol ejaculated white hot blasts into the faces of my foes I finally grappled with one. I threw him down clutched my mighty weapon and prepared to penetrate his rear armor and...

And suddenly I was all like, y'know this is pretty gay.

So I just walked off and headed back to the Thunderhawk. Soon I was flying back to my super secret club house which I share with 1000 other burly men and no girls.

So like, am I the only one who feels this way?

Yours
Johnson Rockhard
Master of the Cannons
Lord of Penetration
5th Company Iron Snakes

**Squigsquasher**

Dear Captain Johnson Rockhard,

Yes, it is kind of gay. However, contary to what you may have heard from the Cult of Wes'Tb'Ro Ba'ptus, there is nothing wrong with that. It is also not your fault, as the Codex Astartes was not written by Roboute Guilliman, but Yuki Oshida, a yaoi fangirl from Osaka. Heh heh.

Yours tolerantly,

Teh Spess Emprah.

Mmmphmmphmph,

Mmphmphmphmmmphmphmph. Mmmpph, mph mph mmph mmmpmmmmmph.

Mphmpmmph,

Pyro.

**Dr. Temujin**

Mmmphmmphmph,

Mmphmphmphmmmphmphmph. Mmmpph, mph mph mmph mmmpmmmmmph.

Mphmpmmph,

Pyro.

Dear Pyro,
Much as I would love to join you at your tea party with the Red Soldier's heads and the Blue Engineer's left glove on Sunday, I'm afraid I'll have to decline. As of now, that's booked for my poker game with Gork (or, is it Mork, I can never tell), the Void Dragon, and Fateweaver. If, however, you could reschedule, then I would be more likely to stop by.
Yours faithfully,
Teh Emporer of Spess

Dear Holy Father,
So, I just became the newest member of the Inner Circle of the Dark Angels, and now I know the terrible truth of our chapter. This truth is known only to a small number of our chapter, and to you, of course, and it must never be revealed to outsiders. But then I realized something: this dark secret... is stupid. Really? We're trying to keep a secret that Luther had some mid-life crisis and had a spat with his adopted son? Heck, I bet whatever skeletons in my closet are much more damning and secretive and horrible than this gobshite. And why do we have to wear these ridiculous dresses? I hate them, they're too... flow-ey and robe-y.
So I was thinking maybe you can talk to Games Workshop and have them retcon the whole thing. We could be so much more cooler if we had someone like Rick Priestley write out our "dark secret".
Thanks,
Perturbed Dark Angel

**Squigsquasher**

Dear Most Loyal Son,

Certainly.

(Offscreen) Matt Ward, job for you! (/Offscreen).

Yours Blasphemously,

Teh Spess Emprah. In Spess.

Dear-a Mister Emperor,

PAAAAAAAASTAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!

Yours-a Cowardly,

Italy.

PS: I Surrender.

**Dr. Temujin**

Dear-a Mister Emperor,

PAAAAAAAASTAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!

Yours-a Cowardly,

Italy.

PS: I Surrender.

Dear Italy,
This is why I eliminated the Second Legion. They all descended from you.
Being a Jack-Ass in Space,
Teh Emprah

(I do like APH, though.)

Dear Emperor,
I just saw GW's new Chaos Space Marine pic leaks, and I am now mad. We want our flying robot dinosaurs back.
The Red Ranger
Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers.

**Squigsquasher**

Dear Gay Red Space Marine with a PVC fetish:

It's out of my hands. If you have a problem, complain to Abaddon (at your peril, contrary to popular belief, he does have arms, and he might be getting a new sculpt soon).

Yours Mockingly,

Teh Emprah of Spess.

And don't knock the new Chaos stuff! I happen to like it!

Howdy Emperor,

I'm tryin' to build a Sentry, but every time I've finished buildin' mah sentry, a spy comes along and saps mah sentry!

What should I do?

Yours frustratedly,

Red Engineer.

**Dr. Temujin**

Howdy Emperor,

I'm tryin' to build a Sentry, but every time I've finished buildin' mah sentry, a spy comes along and saps mah sentry!

What should I do?

Yours frustratedly,

Red Engineer.

Dear Enginseer,
Well, I had to consult the Void Dragon about this, and he said you aren't reciting the correct scriptures of Sabotage. Please refer to Book XVI, Chapter III, Section A for the readings. This will create a sphere of protection against such malignant technologies. Best of luck to you, I need your long-distant descendants to maintain my Golden Throne for me.
Ensuring the future of Mankind,
E.

Dear Holy Emperor,
I am a Proud Space Marine of the Golden Skulls chapter. With my Skull-pattern Astartes Armor, which includes skull-encrusted pauldrons, kneepads, and backpack, we fight valiantly against the followers of the Skull Throne, and remove their skulls as trophies. Floating skulls of fallen comrades follow us and record our battles, and fire skull-melting lasers at the enemy. Our Battle Barge the Imperial Skulltaker holds a shrine made entirely of the skulls of fallen Brothers and Imperial Servants. With all this in mind, I have just one question: Is there such thing as having too many skulls?
Yours Faithfully,
S. Kull

**Squigsquasher**

Dear Kull, my loyal son,

Of course there is no such thing as too many skulls! Everybody knows that skulls equals grimdark!

Yours Skullarificly,

Teh Gawd Emprah awf ManKehnd.

Do you get the feeling that we are the only people keeping this thread alive?

DeAr EmpEror-Kun...Urgh...

I...Erm...What was it...Urr...That was it...ThAt HatSUne MiKU get's aaaalll-BLEURGH!-the...What was the word...AtteNTIon arOuND Here.. *hic*...I...I hardly get any s-s-songs DOne wIth mE, aNd I'm jUSt tREatEd as a lame derivatato...doritotiv...dariva...*hic* ah that's it...Deriviative whO's OnLYyyy-BLEURGH!-merit isss an imperessivvveee *hic* rack...I don't LiKe it...Hurdahurdahurdayourarse...

What...should I *hic* do?

Alsoooo...Urgh...Do yOU have any sa...Sake?

Yours intoxima...Insoxi...Intaxidermy...Oh feth it...Yours Drunkly,

Haku Yowane.

BLEURGH!

**Dr. Temujin**

DeAr EmpEror-Kun...Urgh...

I...Erm...What was it...Urr...That was it...ThAt HatSUne MiKU get's aaaalll-BLEURGH!-the...What was the word...AtteNTIon arOuND Here.. *hic*...I...I hardly get any s-s-songs DOne wIth mE, aNd I'm jUSt tREatEd as a lame derivatato...doritotiv...dariva...*hic* ah that's it...Deriviative whO's OnLYyyy-BLEURGH!-merit isss an imperessivvveee *hic* rack...I don't LiKe it...Hurdahurdahurdayourarse...

What...should I *hic* do?

Alsoooo...Urgh...Do yOU have any sa...Sake?

Yours intoxima...Insoxi...Intaxidermy...Oh feth it...Yours Drunkly,

Haku Yowane.

BLEURGH!

Dear Virtual J-Pop Star,
Obviously, you are drunk, so you should forego attempting to read this until you are sober.
Now, you seem to have a problem with competition in your singing career. I had something rather similar while I was fighting in the wars on Terra once upon a time. Everyone was part of the same group, and I felt like something had to change. So, I struck out on my own! And now look where I am! Half-dead (I may as well be dead at this point), constantly exhausted from keeping daemons at bay while keeping a match lit up in the Warp for people to travel, and in charge of the most brutal ecclessiastical-dictatorship the galaxy has ever seen. But hey, look what I did to get there! So, if you are like me, which I think you are, you want to do your own independent gig. Just, don't have twenty sons, that can get a little complicated.
Drinking the essences of a thousand souls every day,
Emps.

Dear Emperor,
Hey dad. Uh... been awhile since we last talked... so, how's the Imperium? Heard my Thousand Sons burned another pla... net... down... err... Well, okay bad topic. How's Cadia doing? Is... Failbaddon attacking again? Pretty sure you could drive him back, right...?
Okay, this is going terrible, I'll get to the point. Can I come back?
Yours in Regret,
Magnus

**Squigsquasher**

Dear Magnus, my poor, unfortunate, deeply wronged son.

As much as I would love you to come home, that would involve advancing the story, so no can do.

You will, however, soon be recieving reinforcements in the form of these enormous armadillo monsters with cannons, and a big metal dragon.

Best wishes,

Daddy, Teh Spase Emporer.

XXX.

My Emperor! This is Acteon of the Emperor's Warhawks. You have 2 messages today!

Emperor Grateful Slutations,

How are you gentlemen! All your base are belong to us. You are on your way to destruction! You have no chance to survive make your time.

Volkswagenly yours,

That guy from Zero Wing.

Aye, Emprah!

Soo, I've hird aboot this durty wee midden, Haku Yowane. She soonds like a nice girrel, and by the soonds of it likes a drink or two. Could yer git me her phone number?

Yours surprisingly soberly,

Blue Demoman.

**captain collius**

Aye, Emprah!

Soo, I've hird aboot this durty wee midden, Haku Yowane. She soonds like a nice girrel, and by the soonds of it likes a drink or two. Could yer git me her phone number?

Yours surprisingly soberly,

Blue Demoman.

Dear Scotsman

The grey knights are on their way hold on you and all other scots will soon be purged for your heretical belief of FREEEEDOOOOMMMM.

Signed The longshanks emprah.

Emperor Grateful Slutations,

How are you gentlemen! All your base are belong to us. You are on your way to destruction! You have no chance to survive make your time.

Volkswagenly yours,

That guy from Zero Wing.

Dear Guy

Right as if your have enough people to occupy every base in my galaxy. Don't worth the mechanicus will be there shortly to turn you into a servitor.

Signed the Space Emprah

P.s. "Snort" what an idiot ... Hey how do you turn this thing off. Damned mechanicus tech

Dear Emprah,

Why does the commisar keep shooting people i swear we haven't failed one leadership check today.

guardsman #319876-2

**Dr. Temujin**

Dear Emprah,

Why does the commisar keep shooting people i swear we haven't failed one leadership check today.

guardsman #319876-2

Dear Noble Guardsman,
I think it's because you guys keep spelling "Commissar" wrong. See, Commissars have a proud tradition of being well-versed in the ways of Gothic spelling and grammar. One wrong syllable or letter, and they fly off the handle at a moment's notice. In the future, I suggest you consult an Imperial Dictionary before you submit any written document.
Yours in Spaling and Gramer,
E.

Dear Emprur Humie,
Krog once told me sumfink bout a lost race wot told orkz to do stuff and wot not. 'E said deze Brainboyz were small, loik a grot, und deze gotz more nollidge. But den da Warboss krumped me 'ead and said, "No such Fing as Brainboyz, now get back to work, ya git!" I'm konfuzzed 'ere.
signed,
Goz

**Squigsquasher**

Dear Greenskinned Buffoon,

There are, I am afraid, no Brainboyz. You were created by Roboute Guilliman, your spiritual liege, so that the Ultramarines would have someone to be better than.

Yours Definately Not Mat Ward,

Teh Spess Emprah.

Dear Emperor-San,

Our EVA units are getting rather knackered to be quite honest. We are trying to patch them up, but we are running out of duct tape. And then we heard of this thing called a Reaver Titan, or something. They look like they could be pretty helpful against the Angels.

Could we borrow a few?

Yours Nervously,

Shinji.

PS: Rei says thank you for the Valentines card and the chocolates.

**Kid_Kyoto**

Dear Emperor-San,

Our EVA units are getting rather knackered to be quite honest. We are trying to patch them up, but we are running out of duct tape. And then we heard of this thing called a Reaver Titan, or something. They look like they could be pretty helpful against the Angels.

Could we borrow a few?

Yours Nervously,

Shinji.

PS: Rei says thank you for the Valentines card and the chocolates.

Dear Mr. New Letter

Alas my Reaver Titans cannot help you as both the Dark Angels and the Blood Angels, despite their ominous names, are in fact Imperial units.

Y'know I should really talk to them about that. Perhaps they could be renamed the Green Space Marines and the Red Space Marines, that would be both clearer and easier to remember but also end some of the confusion as to whether they are good or evil.

Of course that would cause some confusion with the Salamanders who are both Green Space Marines and black which frankly confuses me as well.

Yours
E

--------------------------------------
Dear the Space Emperor

I recently found an ancient scrap of parchment that may well change how we look at the Space Emperor and in fact the whole religion of Spacial Imperialism!

As you can see this parchment is written in the ancient runes of South Filli, and once translated says:

So like, the Space Emperor, he was all like, lemmee tell you about my wife, my wife she's like always on my case about walking the dog and taking out the garbage and I'm like yo wife, I'm like Emperor of all of Space I got important stuff to do and my wife is all like...

So I must ask you, is this a forgery or did you in fact have a wife?

Yours
Archeologist on Andromeda

**Squigsquasher**

Dear Archeologist,

Yes I do. Her name is Mohammed.

Yours trollerificly,

Teh Great Grahnd Emprah of SPESS.

My master! Once again you have 2 letters!

Yo Dawg!

I heard yo liek bolters, so we put bolters on yo bolters so yo can fiah yo bolters while yo fiah yo bolters! DAWG!

I call it da Hurricane Bolter, 'cause yo use it when yo wanna cane some mofo's ass in a hurry! Whatchu think about it?

Yo's Truthfully,

Techmarine Leroy

DEE-AAR FOLSE EMP-EH-ROR.

Hwe hahv been reeseeveeng streect moorahl guy-dense awn ze wor-sheep awf ze dark gawds, by a sees-tor awf bah-tahl, hoo een-seests thaht eet ess heresee. Hwe hahv been wheeped ahnd beetehn regyoolahrly for nawt wor-sheeping ze folse Emperor, weeth extreem payn applyed too ahr bawtam. And yeht...Hwe feel a straynge ahtrahction too ze sees-tor...

Hwe may bee een lurv.

How kan hwe eksprehss awr feeleengs too ze sees-tor? Hwe hwant too cuddle her and (DELETED BY ORDER OF THE INQUISITION). Hwe feel cawn-fleecteed.

Yours Blahs-Feem-Ows-Lee,

Cultist-Chan.