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**Dr. Temujin**

(In the future, we should only limit to one message per user, so as to avoid confusion)

Yo Dawg!
I heard yo liek bolters, so we put bolters on yo bolters so yo can fiah yo bolters while yo fiah yo bolters! DAWG!
I call it da Hurricane Bolter, 'cause yo use it when yo wanna cane some mofo's ass in a hurry! Whatchu think about it?
Yo's Truthfully,
Techmarine Leroy

Dear Faithful Techmarine,
A fascinating idea, my boy! And yet, it makes me wonder what else we can do... maybe a bolter with a plasma shot attached to it! Or maybe a giant power-loader for my Grey Knights to walk around (power-loaders, NOT baby carriages). Or maybe (gasp), we could take a Land Raider and put wings and engines on it! And it will be called a Storm Raven!! Oh, my, I'm getting ahead of myself, aren't I?
I hope you're writing all this down.
Bristling with crazy ideas,
The Emperor

DEE-AAR FOLSE EMP-EH-ROR.
Hwe hahv been reeseeveeng streect moorahl guy-dense awn ze wor-sheep awf ze dark gawds, by a sees-tor awf bah-tahl, hoo een-seests thaht eet ess heresee. Hwe hahv been wheeped ahnd beetehn regyoolahrly for nawt wor-sheeping ze folse Emperor, weeth extreem payn applyed too ahr bawtam. And yeht...Hwe feel a straynge ahtrahction too ze sees-tor...
Hwe may bee een lurv.
How kan hwe eksprehss awr feeleengs too ze sees-tor? Hwe hwant too cuddle her and (DELETED BY ORDER OF THE INQUISITION). Hwe feel cawn-fleecteed.
Yours Blahs-Feem-Ows-Lee,
Cultist-Chan.

Dear Cultist-Chan (is that burnt bacon I smell?),
I see your predicament, and I have the perfect solution! If you truly feel that your love for this Sister (and Me, by extension; I mean, love for one of my servants is indirectly loving ME, of course) is true and faithful, you should immediately go to the nearest Ecclesiarch and beg to be converted. From there on, you can serve as a Flagellant Zealot, supervised of course by your one true love (ME) until you give your life up serving the Imperium. I hope that helps.
Master of Loving Me, Myself, and the Imperium (which is also Me),
Emps

Dear Emperor,
Remember that one game called Dreadfleet? You know, the one where there were a bunch of ships we could build and we battled with other players on the high seas? I tried to find one recently, but they seem to have disappeared.
Signed,
A Puzzled Gamer

**Squigsquasher**

Dear Puzzled Gamer,

Dreadfleet is in the same place as the Squats and female Space Marines. A big locker saying "do not use".

Perhaps if you had bought it earlier you would get more nice things.

Yours scornfully,

Tom Kirby, Teh Spess Emprah.

Dear Emperor,

What is the correct name of that girl I stabbed, Aeris or Aerith?

Yours evilly,

Sephiroth.

**Dr. Temujin**

Dear Emperor,

What is the correct name of that girl I stabbed, Aeris or Aerith?

Yours evilly,

Sephiroth.

Dear Sephiroth,
Are you sure you really stabbed Aerith, or was all that just a dream I gave you while you pooped on a pile of your own clothes?
Chuckling to Himself,
Emps

Dear False Emperor,
So the other day, I was on this planet, killing Guardsmen and Space Marines in the name of Khorne and whatnot. Kharn was there, too. Y'know, it was actually kinda funny, he kept running around in what seemed like circles, and he was flecking blood on the ground with his axe, and we kept wondering what in the name of the Dark Gods he was doing. Then, he hijacked a Valkyrie and... right, getting off topic. But seriously, what a guy, that Kharn is.
Anyways, it just so happened I had my back turned while slaying an Ultramarine Sergeant, when suddenly I felt my rear end get white hot. Some jack-ass Las-cannon team had blasted my ass-plate right off! Naturally, I was pissed off and I ran over and killed them as well. But afterwards... I didn't feel rage. Or anger. Or even slight irritation. In fact, I was feeling quite pleased. Puzzled as to why this was, I went over to find the plate that had been blown off. When I fit it back on, the rage returned. Then I removed it again, and I felt calm. Which leads to me to wonder if the reason why all World Eaters, maybe all Chaos Space Marines, for that matter, are so angry all the time because they have a wedgie?
I tried to ask Kharn about it, and he ripped off my legs from their sockets before going to kill more people. And I know none of the Dark Gods will answer my question. Maybe you would know?
Sincerely,
A Krazed Khorne Berzerker
P.S. Kharn managed to draw a flower with all that blood on the ground. We laughed about it, exchanged high fives. What a guy.

**Squigsquasher**

Dear Insane Psychopathic Traitor,

I'm afraid the World Eaters possess a genetic defect that leads them to suffer from excruciating haemorrhoids. These then proceed to rub against your arse plates. I recommend putting some cream on them.

Yours understandingly,

Teh Spess Emprah.

Hey knucklehead!

Need a dispenser here! Need a dispenser! Need a dispenser here! Need a dispenser here! Need a dispenser here! Need etc...

Yours,

Blue Scout.

**Dr. Temujin**

Hey knucklehead!

Need a dispenser here! Need a dispenser! Need a dispenser here! Need a dispenser here! Need a dispenser here! Need etc...

Yours,

Blue Scout.

Dear annoying pre-pubescent,
You really want me to erase you from existence, don't you?
Very irritated,
Emps

Dear Emperor,
I think my Sister-hat is starting to smell. Can you send me another Sister of Battle so I can slaughter her and use her head as a hat?
Cleansing in Your Name,
Brother Adonus, Grey Knight

**Squigsquasher**

Dear Shiny Space Marine,

Absolutely not. If you really like that kind of thing, here is the site for you: www.gurochan.com. (DON'T ACTUALLY DO THAT)

Yours Disgustedly,

Teh Spess Emprah.

Dear Emperor-Sama,

So, I woke up this morning with this big grin permanently stuck on my face, and no feeling in my body. And then I realized that my body is gone. Then I noticed my head was the size of a mountain and lying in a pool of red stuff. And then to top it all off, there is a FETHING VAGINA on my forehead. Also I could hear sobbing but as my eyes are locked in position I couldn't see what it was.

What the feth is going on, and is there any way of stopping it?

Yours Confusedly,

Rei Ayanami.

PS: Give Shinji a hug from me. He needs one.

**Dr. Temujin**

Dear Emperor-Sama,
So, I woke up this morning with this big grin permanently stuck on my face, and no feeling in my body. And then I realized that my body is gone. Then I noticed my head was the size of a mountain and lying in a pool of red stuff. And then to top it all off, there is a FETHING VAGINA on my forehead. Also I could hear sobbing but as my eyes are locked in position I couldn't see what it was.
What the feth is going on, and is there any way of stopping it?
Yours Confusedly,
Rei Ayanami.
PS: Give Shinji a hug from me. He needs one.

Dear Rei,
This is why I stopped taking acid after one tab. Weird starts to happen. Like this one time, I dreamed that I had a bunch of sons, and it was all cool, and then one of them said, "I don't like you anymore, daddy!" And so I was like "Son, I am disappoint", and then we had to fight and he nearly beat me to death...
Wait, that actually happened... Okay, bad example, but my point still stands.
E.
P.S. Shinji doesn't need a hug, he just needs to take charge!

Dear Human Emperor,
Sup, sucka? How you been? I been just chillaxin' here, checkin' out mah collections n' stuff (I just completed my exhibit on the Fourth Black Crusade, and it is so off the frakkin' chain). I suddenly thought, "You know, I haven't heard nothin' from mah brotha from anotha xeno mutha. So, I figured, well, fudge, why not just have some bitchin' tea party at your place? Tell ya what, I even got ya a nice b-day gift (I know, I shouldn't have, but I'm just cool like that). I jus' need a few of your golden boys to complete my Horus Heresy project I'm making right now, it's gonna be like Pooowwwww. I even invited Sir Cecorach and my bro Ethereal (TOTALLY not being controlled by my Mindshackle Scarabs, don't mind if he suddenly spouts gibberish).
Wait, what was that sound... aww, hell, I gotta take care of business. Some a-hole is messin' with my stuff, probably the dumb Inquisition again.
Laters, Dude!
Trazyn the Totally Rockin' Yo Socks Off

**Squigsquasher**

Yo, Trazyn, dawg!

Dat would be, like totally firetruckin' awesome ass cool, man! Sadly I can't give yo mah golden homeboys da Custodes, but I can give yo somethin' even better yo: mah stunty-ass bitches, da Squats, yo! Dey is worth some busta-ass gak, T!

Laterz, yo!

Emprag Dawg, of da Totally Bitchin' Pimperium.

Dear Mister Emperor-Sensei...Umm...

So, umm, if you aren't too busy, could you, umm, answer this question? I'm an under confident 14 year old, the one person other than me left alive hates me, and the gargantuan head of the clone of my mom is lying grinning in an ocean of jam...She sent you a letter if I remember rightly...If it isn't any bother...Can I have a hug?

Yours depressedly,

Shinji Ikari.

**master of ordinance**

Dear Mister Emperor-Sensei...Umm...

So, umm, if you aren't too busy, could you, umm, answer this question? I'm an under confident 14 year old, the one person other than me left alive hates me, and the gargantuan head of the clone of my mom is lying grinning in an ocean of jam...She sent you a letter if I remember rightly...If it isn't any bother...Can I have a hug?

Yours depressedly,

Shinji Ikari.

Dear Shinji Ikari

Your mother is obviously a heretical mutant and is trying to detract from your fun so much that you forget to love me!

You must BURN your mother and any of whom are like her!!!

In order to cure your depression the kiddymutiehunter kit NO9 is being rushed to you complete with a signed picture of your universal sugar daddy-ME!

Te Spece Empera

Dear te mighty spece empera

The redemptor preist has been saying that i have an evil deamon in me.
All he says he needs to do is to "strip away the cloth of impurity insert his rod of office and soak me in his holy liquid"

oh and he says not to tell anyone

What should i do?

frightened little boy

**Dr. Temujin**

Dear te mighty spece empera

The redemptor preist has been saying that i have an evil deamon in me.
All he says he needs to do is to "strip away the cloth of impurity insert his rod of office and soak me in his holy liquid"

oh and he says not to tell anyone

What should i do?

frightened little boy

Dear Frightened Little Boy,
Well, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is, you DO have a daemon in your body, and what the priest recommends is considered child molestation. Report him to your nearest Ecclesiarch.
The bad news is... well, you have a daemon in your body. You might want to contact the Inquisition as well. Your death will be quick and painless.
Teh SPACE Emprah
PS: I lied about that last part.

To the Mr. or Mrs. of the house,
Is your face getting wrinkles? Do your friends shun you because you look your age? Tired of wasting away as a couch potato? Then you should try this new product: It's the EternaCream, a revolution in age-reversing technology! Forged from the blood and sweat of hard-working virgin children, the EternaCream will work its way into your skin and make it look young and new once more! It's as easy as 1, 2, 3! Step one: wash your face with water! Step two: apply the cream directly to the skin! Step three: SayaquickprayertoSlaaneshyourLordandMaster and watch the results! You'll look like a new man/woman in just three days of appliance! We even gave you a free sample to try out yourself! Order now!

**Squigsquasher**

Dear annoying auto advertiser,

You know what you can do with your cream? You can take your cream and shove it up your DELETED BY THE INQUISITION.

Regards,

Big E.

Dear Emperor-Kun,

So, uh, I woke up on this beach with this insane 14 year old boy named Shinji trying to strangle me, before collapsing in a fit of tears on my chest he REALLY needs a hug, I would offer but I smell a bit in my plugsuit) next to a pool of what I can only assume to be jam, with Rei's head poking out of it. And THEN I woke up in a bed where this sad looking man named Hideaki informed me there is going to be ANOTHER series!

Now what are we going to do?

Yours angrily,

Asuka.

**CuddlySquig**

Dear Asuka

Obviously you have an anime addiction in your life, why else would you be having these strange dreams? I know that we are going to need to take some serious R and R from all the strange anime we've been watching together. I must say, I too am getting annoyed with chibi school girls with purple hair and having to squint at subtitles. In order to curb this problem, you need to do the following:
-Change your TV watching to something calming. I know a great show called Antiques Roadshow that will change your tastes.
-Fill your life with non-purple hair. Use a disintegrate gun on any strange-haired people or school girls
-Eat lots and lots of olives. Their saltiness will wash the candy-flavoured taste of anime right out.

-Emperor

Deer 'Oly Emprah
Me namez...urr....Marnus Kalgar uv da Ultramarines Chaptr beakies. I'z jus got a froat sore an all me boyz got da flu, is why me an me boyz is all green and why I's soundin' gruff. Anywayz, me an me boyz would love to pilot our killkroozer ov'a ta Terra an' stuff an' so we an me space marine ladz kan finally meet ya in person. We'z prob'ly gonna bring ova a lot of dakka and choppa so we kan show yous how killy we Ultramorons...Ultramarines, is in yer service, so doesn't you get 'larmed when we arrivez all tooled up fer war. It'z just to show off is all.
Wot my kwestion to you's is is dis:
Firs, kan you toss open da gatez to da Emperial Palace so me waaagh...I mean, me space marine chapter kan get inside wifout much fuss? So we kan meet you's, o-course.
Sekund: Kan you pleez get der defend'rs of Terra ta take a day off? We don't wan' em getting zogged up when da Ultramarines suddn'ly arrive.
Free: Kan you 'ave all yer loot in one big pile afront uv da palace so dat when da Ultrafingies chapter getz ta Terra, we kan marvel at yer greatness?

Faifully yer loyal space marine boyz:
Marnus Kalgar, chaptery master uv da Ultramarine gitz

**Matt.Kingsley**

Dear, erh, 'Marnus Kalgar'
First. My gates are open to all, just make sure you give the custodes a present, they don't like it when people enter without gifts...
Second, no can do, sorry. Chaos is everywhere! But I can make sure your ship's datacode is put in the dfense systems recognision system, making sure you don't get fired upon!
Third, sure! I'll have all my lovely gold, erh, 'statues' waiting for you right outside of my throne

Teh Emps, Girlly's Father and your loved deity!

G'day Mate!
You lookin for an Assassin, that's me! Not some psychopath, I'm a professional! and we have certain standards, mate.
Just make sure no spies get near me... hate them, don't meet professional standards...
To the point, you need me?
Red Sniper

**Dr. Temujin**

G'day Mate!
You lookin for an Assassin, that's me! Not some psychopath, I'm a professional! and we have certain standards, mate.
Just make sure no spies get near me... hate them, don't meet professional standards...
To the point, you need me?
Red Sniper

Dear Red Sniper,
Not a psychopath, you say? Well, that's a first. Normally, all the snipers I know are all really insane: if they don't feel lots of pleasure from killing people (and trust me, I feel disgusted sometimes watching that) then they've been psycho-conditioned to not feel anything. Then again, this is an Age of Madness and all, so who are we to judge madmen?
Tell ya what, I'll have you assigned to an infantry regiment. From there, you'll probably be shipped off to several horrible battlefields. Provided you can survive everything that's thrown at you (and when I say everything, I include everything you can't imagine, as well), then we'll see if we can have you kill some high-priority targets. Speaking of which, if you ever run into a top-knotted chap with Black Legion Terminator Armor, do the galaxy a favor and kill him.
Thanks!
E.

Dear Holy Emperor, Who Art On Terra,
Hey, there. Not sure if you know who I am. I'm just a simple Guardsman with a flamer. Today's been a relatively good day, I think. During our last assault the other day, only thirty in my platoon were brutally killed, three of which were my friends. I was able to survive, albeit with one less arm thanks to an IED. Doctor's were able to give me a prosthetic after a painful four-hour surgery, and told me they would be billing me for the difference. Not that it matters, anyway, my wife and youngest child died from a case of Rickets, and my eldest son and daughter were probably whisked away by the Schola Progenitum. Today, though, was a good day in comparison. I'm one of six survivors in our platoon from an enemy counter-attack, I'm told we will be getting reinforcements soon (which probably means never), and I think Jackson gave me a cold. But I killed two orks today, so that should count for something!
Anyways, I just want to thank you for keeping me alive so far, so that I may continue to serve you and the Imperium in general. I sure hope nothing worse happens. I'm told we're going to be used for tomorrow morning's assault. The Commissar said we're to keep an eye out for Warboss... Gha... Ghazzy. Yeah, I think that's what his name was.
May You on Holy Terra bless us all.
Amen,
Steel Legionnaire Bob

**Decio**

Dear Steel Legionnaire Bob,
I'd like to congratulate you for your faith in me so far. It really pays off, doesn't it? Good job staying alive, two Orks down is better than none. And yes, Ghazzy would be the one to look for. Do tell him hello with that flamer of yours. Don't worry, faithful Guardsman, the cold can easily be cured by the nearest Medicae doctor, and good luck with the assault tomorrow
Bless you, Faithful Guardsman,
the Emperor

Dear Emperor,
Hi. How ya doin? This is Captain Wafflebear of Waffleboro here. I'd like some advice; lately, these Chaos Marines and Ultramrines stopped fighting to laugh at my Merry Band of Commando-Brethren. They wouldn't stop laughing at us! :(
SO what if my name is a delicious edible combined with an animal of ancient Terra! So what if I AM that delicious edible bear! They've been digging at my Power Armor to eat me!
Please help,
Captain Wafflebear of Waffleboro, of the 2nd Company of the Emperor's Edibles

**Dr. Temujin**

Dear Emperor,
Hi. How ya doin? This is Captain Wafflebear of Waffleboro here. I'd like some advice; lately, these Chaos Marines and Ultramrines stopped fighting to laugh at my Merry Band of Commando-Brethren. They wouldn't stop laughing at us! :(
SO what if my name is a delicious edible combined with an animal of ancient Terra! So what if I AM that delicious edible bear! They've been digging at my Power Armor to eat me!
Please help,
Captain Wafflebear of Waffleboro, of the 2nd Company of the Emperor's Edibles

I see what you mean, Son of My Son. Yes, it is a rather difficult position to be in to be so delicious. And I understand your pain that you merely distract both combatants rather than joining in on the bloodshed. So, I have a solution for you!
You will be transferred over to the Segmentum Tempestus. There's a Tyranid Invasion in one of the subsectors, where several hive worlds are under its Shadow. You are to go there and distract the Hive Fleet until the populations can be safely evacuated. It's simple, really, just stand there until you get their attention, and them let the sweet scent of waffles reach their nostrils, and they'll go bananas and go after you! (Snnk, see what I did there? Banana? Food Related?) Then, you just lead them somewhere else and fight them!
Simple? Yes! Suicidal? Possibly (Okay, it is)! But here, you will be serving me in the best possible fashion!
Best of Luck,
Big E

Dear My Emperor,
We have been recently employed by a new Inquisitor. But there's a problem... he's 10 years old. Yes, you read that right: 10 standard-years old. Terran time.
This is rather troubling. Already, his tactics are unsound, as they constantly require the use of Kaldor Draigo, even if there are no daemons present. He then tells us to simply charge at the enemy.
We are Grey Knights, forged from your unfiltered DNA, mightier than even the greatest of Space Marines. We have been armed and armoured with the best technology the Imperium of Man has to offer. But even charging out into the open, with no cover whatsoever, will bound to prove disastrous.
We have lost heavy casualties in the past weeks. Morale has hit rock bottom. There's been a dark brood amongst the other Brothers, some even questioning the validity of the Inquisitor.
Please guide us in our time of greatest need.
Brother-Sergeant Adonis

**Squigsquasher**

Dear Loyal Son,

Oh dear. If you see him with a paintbrush...Run.

I may be able to help and send you a new Inquisitor. In fact, I can send you the writer of the Codex Astartes herself: Yuki Oshida. She's a 15 year old Yaoi fangirl from Osaka. She is a tactical genius and is well versed in the ways of Xenos, Daemons and these weird things she calls EVAs, but she might ask you to take your shirts off and kiss on occasion.

Yours tiredly,

E.

To Mysterious Emperor Type,

Everywhere I go, people keep asking me what my scouter says about someone's power level. It's really starting to piss me off.

What can I do?

Yours angrily,

Prince Vegeta.

**master of ordinance**

Dear prince vegeta

YOU SHOULD BLAST THESE IGNORANT FOOLS BEFORE YOU THEN DIP THEM IN SALSA AND DEVOUR THEM!!!

THESE FOOLS ARE OBVIOUSLY HERETICS AND MUST BE TAUGHT THE TRUE LOVE OF MYSELF!!!!

YOURS IN ETERNAL RAGE

THE EMPRA

Dear Big Boy

Hey sexy its me.
Havnt heard from you in a while i mean its understandable what with you ruling half the galaxy and all but do you remember the times we used to have?
I especially remember making you squeal when i [CENSORED BY ORDER OF THE INQUISITION] and then there was that time we were [CENSORED BY ORDER OF THE INQUISITION] and young Whorus walked in.
Oh and who can remember when [CENSORED BY ORDER OF THE INQUISTION]-you squealed like a small pig then....
Anyway im over terras way next week so why dont we meet up-itll be just like the good old times.
Yours eternally horny

Slannesh

**Dr. Temujin**

Dear Big Boy

Hey sexy its me.
Havnt heard from you in a while i mean its understandable what with you ruling half the galaxy and all but do you remember the times we used to have?
I especially remember making you squeal when i [CENSORED BY ORDER OF THE INQUISITION] and then there was that time we were [CENSORED BY ORDER OF THE INQUISITION] and young Whorus walked in.
Oh and who can remember when [CENSORED BY ORDER OF THE INQUISTION]-you squealed like a small pig then....
Anyway im over terras way next week so why dont we meet up-itll be just like the good old times.
Yours eternally horny

Slannesh

Dear 10-cent Prostitute,
It's over. I dumped you, and then I moved on. Get over it.
E.

Dear False Emperor,
Hey, what's up? Haven't heard from youKILLMAIMBURN lately. Thought I'd KILLMAIMBURN drop you a line and whatnot KILLMAIMBURN. Anyways, I've been too busy KILLMAIMBURN killing KILLMAIMBURN your pathetic guardsmen. I'm getting really tired KILLMAIMBURN of this.
I want a REAL challenge. Gimme something KILLMAIMBURN hard to kill.
Singing praises to the Blood God BLOODFORTHEBLOODGOD,
Kharn

**Squigsquasher**

Dear Psychotic Bloodthirsty Nutjob (No, Asuka, not you),

Certainly. Optimus Prime will be on his way now.

Oh, and how are the haemorrhoids?

Yours Wonderfully,

Teh Emprah, on the Golden Bog.

Err, Dear Emperor-Sempai, if it isn't a problem...

So, umm, I was browsing the internet with Rei and Asuka, and we heard of this thing called rule 34. Ermm, so, we, umm, searched it, and...

Well...

Where the feth did they get those pictures? I have never worn a maid dress in my life! We are scarred for life now. And considering the gak we've been through, that's saying something.

Now we ALL need hugs.

If, urm, it isn't too much bother,

Shinji Ikari.

(I have become obsessed with NGE recently, sorry!)

**Dr. Temujin**

Err, Dear Emperor-Sempai, if it isn't a problem...

So, umm, I was browsing the internet with Rei and Asuka, and we heard of this thing called rule 34. Ermm, so, we, umm, searched it, and...

Well...

Where the feth did they get those pictures? I have never worn a maid dress in my life! We are scarred for life now. And considering the gak we've been through, that's saying something.

Now we ALL need hugs.

If, urm, it isn't too much bother,

Shinji Ikari.

Dear Shinji,
First of all, SPEAK UP IF YOU WANT MY FULL ATTENTION. Second, stop messing around and just bed the two wenches already! Four-- no, wait, I skipped one... Three! Stop making the human race look so bad and just beat the crap out of those stupid aliens! They're aliens, for Me-sake! THEY. DON'T. DESERVE. TO. LIVE.
Giving you some tough love,
Emps
PS: Gendo is a ing loser. Make sure you tell him that.

DEAR EMPEROR,
HOLY

BUCKETS! I AM SO

ING PISSED RIGHT NOW, I COULD TAKE A

ING BADGER

AND SHOVE IT UP THE

OF THE NEAREST SPIKY

MARINE! AND I WILL BE EVEN MORE

ANGRY IF YOU DON'T ANSWER MY

QUESTION. IT IS OF THE UTMOST IMPORTANCE!
HOW COME ELDAR ARE SUCH

PANSIES?!?!?

ING FURIOUS FOR YOU AND

,
ANGRY MARINE-BROTHER A**-HOLE

**Kid_Kyoto**

Dr. Temujin wrote:

DEAR EMPEROR,
HOLY BUCKETS! I AM SO ING PISSED RIGHT NOW, I COULD TAKE A ING BADGER AND SHOVE IT UP THE OF THE NEAREST SPIKY MARINE! AND I WILL BE EVEN MORE ANGRY IF YOU DON'T ANSWER MY QUESTION. IT IS OF THE UTMOST IMPORTANCE!
HOW COME ELDAR ARE SUCH PANSIES?!?!?
ING FURIOUS FOR YOU AND ,
ANGRY MARINE-BROTHER A**-HOLE

Dear Irate Jarhead

I know, what's up with that? This one time I was chilling on a planet just me and some chicks I picked up at this space bar and like these space elfs come outta nowhere and start doing like this chicken dance and I'm like wassup with that and how come you're wearing dildos on your heads anyway? And they all start crying like little girls.

And then we fought a genocidal war for 10,000 years.

Your pal
The Emporer of Space

-------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear the Space Emporer of Space

I recently learned that my peaceful world will soon be under siege from the endless hoards of the Tyranids!

Therefore I have ordered my finest craftsmen to build additional fortifications. However I am unsure of what best to build them of. I originally planned to build a big Wall O' Dead Mordians but then I learned they were OOP and the Ebay prices were prohibative. Then I planned a Wall O'Dead Catachans but honestly having to look at their roid'faces and bloated bodies, even in death, would annoy me to no end.

What do you think I should build my fortifications out of?

Yours
Governor General Morewarnow
Tempus XI

**Squigsquasher**

Dear Vexed Craftsman,

I recommend building it out of Citadel Finecast. It will be light, easy to build, good for photographing, and the details will be exquisite!

What's that about bubbles? Why, those are what give Finecast its delicious, light and fluffy texture! If you really don't like them, just fix it with Liquid Greenstuff.

Yours Completely, Definately Honestly,

Teh Spess Emprah.

Dear Puny Human, de geso,

So, I'm a squid who wants to take over the world, de geso. Unfortunately I am outnumbered and have to work off the damage I caused to this stupid squidding cafe, de geso. It really squidding sucks and I hate it, de geso.

What the squid do I do?

Yours Squiddly,

Squid Girl.

PS: Do you have any shrimp, de geso?

**Dr. Temujin**

Dear Puny Human, de geso,
So, I'm a squid who wants to take over the world, de geso. Unfortunately I am outnumbered and have to work off the damage I caused to this stupid squidding cafe, de geso. It really squidding sucks and I hate it, de geso.
What the squid do I do?
Yours Squiddly,
Squid Girl.
PS: Do you have any shrimp, de geso?

Dear Squid Girl,
I'm sorry to let you know that I have full and non-negotiable rights to Holy Terra. Apologies, but them's the rules. However, I could redirect you to another planet full of sea-life, where I'm sure they would accept you as their queen (provided, of course, that they don't try and eat you first).
E.
PS: enclosed is a lifetime supply of shrimp from Eden Secundus. You might want to thaw it out first, it was all packaged in a giant block of ice.

Dear Space Emporer,
Where can I get cheaper Forgeworld products? I tried to order from a shady Chinese company online, but then they announced that they were forced to shut down.
Signed,
A FORGEWORLD ONLY Gamer

**CuddlySquig**

Dear FORGEWORLD ONLY Gamer
The only other place to get Forgeworld products for the cheap apart from winning an ebay auction is from an actual Forge World. Simply fill out a requisition form, with an attached $635 000 processing fee and submit it to the Administratum. They'll authenticate it (this usually takes around 3-8 years) and submit it to the Departmento Munitorum prioritization courts if involves weaponry. They'll figure out which place in line your requisition will take. After 12-34 years, the order will be submitted to the Mechanicus world who will process the requisition (after authenticating it with the Adminastratum, which takes another 3-8 years) and submit it to the Forge World's local office of logistics for determining whether the order can be filled. 12-16 years later, the office will file their report with the local magos and send the report back for a second authentication (1-3 years this time) and submit the requisition to the distribution yards of whatever it is you want. Then they will usually send you a bill. Once you make your payment (usually 5-9 billion dollars, plus a few million in processing costs) and they receive it (about 10 years, assuming the payment isn't stolen) a special requisitionary fleet will be assembled and the route to your planet will be determined. They will then make the voyage with your forge world forged item (1-1000 years, depending on how the warp acts) and deliver it to receiver, after making an authentication survey of the receiver (about a month's worth of paperwork). When all that is done, they drop it right off to your grandchildren.

Lots of love
The Emperor.

Hello.
My name is Prince Razouel, the crown prince of the Kingdom of Nigeria. I trust in your business and have assurances you are a trustworthy person, hence my contacting you. I am in desperate need of your assistance.
I have been ousted from power by revolutionaries supporting a dictator who will turn Nigeria into a military state. For my sake, and the sake of the people of Nigeria, you must see the danger these revolutionaries pose to me.
I have political allies overseas and I need $5000 in assistance to help me get to them. They will help me put down this dangerous rebellion. When I am back in power, I promise you, I will reward you and your company with %5 of my personal fortune of $340 million.
I beg of you, please hurry with your reply.

Prince Razouel
Nigeria

**Dr. Temujin**

Hello.
My name is Prince Razouel, the crown prince of the Kingdom of Nigeria. I trust in your business and have assurances you are a trustworthy person, hence my contacting you. I am in desperate need of your assistance.
I have been ousted from power by revolutionaries supporting a dictator who will turn Nigeria into a military state. For my sake, and the sake of the people of Nigeria, you must see the danger these revolutionaries pose to me.
I have political allies overseas and I need $5000 in assistance to help me get to them. They will help me put down this dangerous rebellion. When I am back in power, I promise you, I will reward you and your company with %5 of my personal fortune of $340 million.
I beg of you, please hurry with your reply.

Prince Razouel
Nigeria

Why, of course, mister Razouel, I am definitely sure that this is not some silly scam email and will gladly hand over my hard-earned cash to this "prince"-- FETHIN' SPAM! Me-dammit, IF I EVER FIND THE MAN WHO EVER INVENTED THESE STUPID EMAILS IN THE FIRST PLACE--!
E.

Dear Gue'la Emperor,
Greetings. I am called Shur' Vi'orl, or "Smooth Operator" in your language. I come on behalf of the Tau Empire for the purpose of mutual agreement on negotiations. Specifically, our temporary stay at the Grixis system in Ultima Segmentum. I assure you, it is merely a temporary cirsumstance, so we can cleanse the system of Ork raiders. I trust you will cooperate with our forces to make a joint operation?
Many thanks in advance,
Shur' Vi'orl

**Trondheim**

Dear Gue'la Emperor,
Greetings. I am called Shur' Vi'orl, or "Smooth Operator" in your language. I come on behalf of the Tau Empire for the purpose of mutual agreement on negotiations. Specifically, our temporary stay at the Grixis system in Ultima Segmentum. I assure you, it is merely a temporary cirsumstance, so we can cleanse the system of Ork raiders. I trust you will cooperate with our forces to make a joint operation?
Many thanks in advance,
Shur' Vi'orl

Burn in the fiery cataclysem that awaits your foul kind degenerated fitlh!

Yours xenophobix The eternal Emperor of mankind!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

To loyalist dog!

I have secured several large amounts of holo pics showing you "play" with your late son Horus, do tell me why I should not make it avalibal for all to see.

Your eternaly traitorous

Lucius The Eternal

**CuddlySquig**

Dear Lucius the Eternal

I have always wondered what would happen if you were killed by a canifex or if you fell down some stairs and died.
Whatever, onto the question.
I am afraid that those holo pics were not of my proudest moments, especially the one with Horus in the banana costume and I'm in the monkey costume. But even if you do make them "avalibal" for all to see, I think the blind faith, which I so deeply hate, will serve me well here as the faithful will not be shaken by a graven image given to them by an bald chaos Kiss fan dressed in pink.

Miss you, my children
The Emperor

-------

Dear Emperor of the Imperium of Man
My name is Captain Picard of the Enterprise. I have been watching your galaxy with some interest for the past year. You certainly have a well established relationship with your alien brothers, as you send fleets full of people to meet with them daily. Your culture also has a fine taste in art. I notice how your "space men" with the big shoulder pads wear heraldry proudly displaying their native world's insignia (no doubt for diplomatic reasons) while others, with a refined taste in sculpture as they mould their armour into the likeness of horned monsters from Catholic imagery. A simple race called the Orcs has turned pragmatism into a way of life as they use everything at hand to build, I have never seen such sophistication. The multicultural Tau philosophy of collective goodness is a golden example of civilization.
You, some Tau and Orcs and other of your alien partners must come to my galaxy and enlighten the Federation to your fabulous and diverse way of life. Perhaps your teaching may bring greater order.

Respectfully
Captain Jean Luc Picard

**Squigsquasher**

Dear Mysterious Space Traveller,

Sigh. I wish there were more people in the universe like you.

Yours wistfully,

Teh Spess Emprah.

deer spess emporer,

so ur makin out wit ur honey and the phone rings and tis voice sez "wut you doin wit mai daughter" so you tel ur honey an she says "my dad is ded".

Then WHO WAS PHONE?

urs,

Slenderman.

**CuddlySquig**

Dear Slenderman

That's easy. It was the mother. What you should be asking is where you may go so that you may find how to speak properly.

Best wishes
Emperor

----

Dear Pesky Plumbers

The Koopalings and I have taken over the mushroom kingdom. The princess is now a permanent guest at one of my seven koopa hotels. I dare you to find her if you can.

It's from Bowser