So, I saw a thread over at BOLS and thought I might as well start one here. Post some quotes that never existed. Kinda self-explanatory.
Horus and emperor:
"Son...how could you do this to me...?"
"You aren't my father"
"Yes I am"
"Then you owe me £38,000,000 in child support"
"No I'm not"
"Thought so"

Istvaan:
Vulkan- "we're getting slaughtered by the Iron warriors! Call for reinforcements!"
Corax- "Here they are!"
*the 4 support legions open fire on the raven guard, salamanders and iron hands*
Vulkan- "Oh shi-"

*deleted by the Inquisition*

Now the quote above may have existed or not, we may never know and further interest in the quote grants you unwanted attention

Seriously, the moment you post it, it exists.

"Look over there!"-The mysterious disappearance of Corax

(Aboard Horus' Battle Barge at the assault of Terra)

Sanguinius: So Horus, wanna re-think the whole Heresy thing?

Horus: Well, maybe.....

Sanguinius: *Pauses*
Really?

(Now standing over sanguinius' corpse)

Horus: Nope.

"99 barrels of mead in hold, 99 barrels of mead! Drink one down throw it around 98 barrels of mead in the hold"-Last transmission of Leman Russ Primarch of the Space Wolves

"Crime doesn't pay"-Konrad Curze on destorying Nostramo

"And knowing is half the battle... hey what are you guys-" Last recorded words of Farseer Eldrad of Ulthwe Craftworld

"Take that Abbaddon you power armour wearing pansy! 13 is your unlucky number! Oh you think YOU can beat me? and to beat you it would take some kind of tactical gen-ME!!!!!!"-Uskar E. Creed on hearing of Abbaddons stalled 13th Black Crusade.

From my (dead) primarch ranking thread:
Emprah and Angron (right before he gets tele'd away)
"Join me."
"Nope. I would rather die with my comrades"
"If you only knew the power of the Imperium. The slavers never told you what happened to your father."
"They told me enough! They told me he was killed!
"No. I am your father."
"No... that's not true! That's impossible!"
"Search your feelings. You know it to be true."
<teleporting noise>
"NOOOOOOOOO! NOOOOOOOO!" (Angron watches his rag tag army get defeated.)

The Emperor: Hey Malcador, while you're down there...

Guardsmen Ted: Hey Bob, look at this awesome Plasma Gun I got!
Guardsmen Bob: Nice Ted! What's that blue glowing thing?
Guardsmen Ted: The Plasma holder, I think. Care to test fire the thing?
Guardsmen Bob: Yeah! I'm gonna hit the bottles over there...(Aims) ...and FIRE! AHH! AHH! AHH!

From then on, Guardsmen Ted never volunteered for special weapons duty. He uses Bob's lasgun to this day.

In the Imperial Guard, even your own guns try to kill you.

"I never would have imagined I'd end up as an immortal toilet-god" Thoughts of the Emperor on the Golden Throne.

"Make sure you only feed me female psykers with at least a C cup size... got it Dorn?"

-The Emperor, on his interment within the Golden Throne. Only the custodes know what really powers the Astronomicon...

"Oh no, I can't feel my toes!" a dreadnoughts first reaction when being awakened.

"Hey Abbaddon where did you say the drop site was?"-Ferrus Manus

Blood angels initiate: So, I just have to drink this dead guy's bodily fluid and I'm in?

For Black templar Grenades
"First shalt thou take out the Holy Pin, then shalt thou count to three, no more, no less. Three shall be the number thou shalt count....."

Wardragoon wrote:For Black templar Grenades
"First shalt thou take out the Holy Pin, then shalt thou count to three, no more, no less. Three shall be the number thou shalt count....."

Someone needs to model this scene one day.

Mr Nobody wrote:

Wardragoon wrote:For Black templar Grenades
"First shalt thou take out the Holy Pin, then shalt thou count to three, no more, no less. Three shall be the number thou shalt count....."

Someone needs to model this scene one day.

5 is right out!

Don't believe in yourself. Believe in the God-Emperor, who believes in you!

Lexx wrote:

Mr Nobody wrote:

Wardragoon wrote:For Black templar Grenades
"First shalt thou take out the Holy Pin, then shalt thou count to three, no more, no less. Three shall be the number thou shalt count....."

Someone needs to model this scene one day.

5 is right out!

Neither shall though count to two, unless though proceeds to count to three.

Emperor Custodes:
We're sorry, but you've thrown off the Emperors groove....

Fossil Fuels in the 41st Millenium

Void Master: My Lord-Captian, the engine furnaces are loosing power, we are running low on fuel, we need to find an expendable burnable substance.

Captian: Throw another guardsmen on the fire....

Should I be proud that my line killed this thread?

Wardragoon wrote:Should I be proud that my line killed this thread?

Yes and no.

"Hey you, Ya you Mr. Swarmlord go over there"-Last words of a Vendicare Assassin

'Im not too late am I?'

Gulliman returning to Terra after HH.

Also

Company Commander: An extra ration of Rhazvod to whoever k- Ahh whats the point you'll all be dead by this evening anyway....

Ig numpty and commisar

Sir, those men are getting destroyed by a single choas marine!

Well then, tell all basalisk batteries to fire on their location!

Why sir?

For the greater good....

'Drive me closer.....' Anon tank commander.

Kroot Shaper after slaying a foe: "For the greater good my ass I'm hungry now."

Any tyranid

"We come in piece."

"Romeo, Romeo, Wherefore art thou romeo"-A Very drunk space wolf

Wardragoon wrote:"Romeo, Romeo, Wherefore art thou romeo"-A Very drunk space wolf

Fixed it for you.

"Let me show you my Stealer Spine!"

shrike wrote:

Wardragoon wrote:"Romeo, Romeo, Wherefore art thou romeo"-A Very drunk space wolf

Fixed it for you.

thank you, I was pullin that from memory

Ork Big Mek: well, 'dis shuld be enuff Dakka ta get the job dun fast!


*Sounds of several thousand voices raised in disbelief and anger*

Necron 1: "so, how are you doing ?"
Necron 2: "not too bad, you?"
Necron 1: "I'm ok, birthday in 4 days"
Necron 2: "Oh realy! well happy birthday, how old ?"
Necron 1: "Lost count 300,000 years ago"
Necron 2: "well I better be off now, its been nice talking to you"
Necron 1: "yeah, you too, cya"
Necron 2: "take care, bye"
Necron 2: "Oh! Happy birthday!"
Necron 1: "thanks bye"
-two necron warriors

"Jean Stealers WHERE?!?"

"Open wide! Here comes the airplane *BRBRBRBRBRBBBBR*! Yes, that's my little Emperor! Good boy!"

Astartes Custodes feeding the Emperor his applesauce.

"Stop! It's Warptime!"-How Warptime actually works.

Nurgle- "Pull my finger"

^
Just thinking about that makes me want to vomit!!

Mr Nobody wrote:Nurgle- "Pull my finger"

"Why can't we all just get along"-Khorne

Mr Nobody wrote:Nurgle- "Pull my finger"

doomfart??

*tumbing sounds* "MY LEG!" "I can't see..." - Blood Angel assault squad deployed in a deep striking land raider.

Sanguinius: Die Horus you traitor and heretic!

Horus:Your as much as a heretic as me, you've got wings!

S:I'm an angel, of couse I have wings!

H:You're a mutant! A thing of Chaos! You're just like me!

S:I'm not! (lunges at horus)

H:you're so annoying (stabs Sanguinius in mid lunge)

Emperor: Die Horu.... No Sanguinius! I told you to stay home at the palace!

S:Sorry dad (dies)

E:you'll pay Horus!

H:I was only doing what's right, he's a mutant!

E:I didn't belive that you were a traitor before, but I do now!

H:Fine, die you old fool!

(Battle erupts and Horus dies)

M.K

Horus: Hey Dad, I'm gonna join Chaos and stuff!

Emperor: SON I AM DISAPPOINT!

"Don't worry, the Great Crusades are being led by my army of impervious battle hardened, genetically modified and fiercely prideful and ego centric Space Marine Legions...what could go wrong?" -The Emprah!

"Sgt. we are being over run by the zerg, maybe the protoss will help us"
"Pvt. what the are you talking about?"

Wardragoon wrote:"Sgt. we are being over run by the zerg, maybe the protoss will help us"
"Pvt. what the are you talking about?"

Hahaha,

Shas'el: The air stabilization system needs repairs
Tau mechanic: We require additional pylons!
Shas'el: ...

"Magnus wtf are you doing!"
"What?"
"You've caused a cross-over"
"Of daemons?"
"No of Starcraft"
-The Emperor upon recieving word from Magnus.

This thread has just become pure win.

"I just dropped an unholy load of Nurglings in the toilet..." Guardsman suffering from dysentery.

"Prep me for the OR. This one is suffering from a severe case of LS!" - A Necron Wraith combating the ever present disease of 'Living Syndrome'

CapnThyrus wrote:"Don't worry, the Great Crusades are being led by my army of impervious battle hardened, genetically modified and fiercely prideful and ego centric Space Marine Legions...what could go wrong?" -The Emprah!

The Year 40.000 where nothing can go wraong.

guradsmen: "techpriest, have you fixed the tank yet?"

techpriest: "404 error, wrench not found"

Chaos Marine: Lord Horus, the Palace is nearly ours. The last remnants of the Loyalist forces are being herded into a corner. Everything we have wanted is within our grasp!

Horus: Good. *lowers the shields then watches as the Emperor and his retinue board*

Chaos Marine: MY LORD! WHAT HAVE YOU DONE!?

Horus: *strolls away from the bridge* Haters gonna hate.

purplefood wrote:"Crime doesn't pay"-Konrad Curze on destorying Nostramo.

YES.

"Dude, this is like, wrong and stuff. You better, y'know, pay a fine or something."-Gray Knights breaking into heretic fortress.

Imperial Commander Adressing the troops-

'Men! Remember today you fight for the Emperor, the Imperium, and die to give the Marines enough time to come and steal all the glory...'

Ravener 1:Tcchh, I don't know, I don't think I should eat that last guardsman, I'm trying to watch my weight.

Ravener 2: Oh go on, you should totally spoil yourself, besides you've obviously been going to the gym!

Ravener 1: Like OMG you noticed! Someone's going to get a treat when we get back to the hive later...

"Hello I am Alpharius and I am an alcoholic... or am I?"-Alpharius at his AA meetings.

"Hey Tau, we totally surrender, come over here so we can sign the peace treaty and whatever"-Major Harkins, Catachan 4th during the battle for Hades rift.

Deathleaper: "hey pappa nurgle ol' buddy...there's a big pile of slimey ant covered pizza with worms and already been chewed puke all over it..."
GUO: "ya, so?!"
Deathleaper: "I one it."
GUO: "I two it."
Deathleaper: "I three it."
GUO: "I four it."
Deathleaper: "I five it."
GUO: "I six it."
Deathleaper: "I seven it."
GUO: " I ATE IT!!!! Ahahahahah! I love that game. Do it again!"

Plaguemarine Bob to Plaguemarine Joe: "Uh, the sarge is acting strange again."

Chaos Lord Gir wrote:This thread has just become pure win.

why, thank you.

Chaos Lord Gir wrote:Imperial Commander Adressing the troops-

'Men! Remember today you fight for the Emperor, the Imperium, and die to give the Marines enough time to come and steal all the glory...'

Just like the americans in WW2...

purplefood wrote:"Hello I am Alpharius and I am an alcoholic... or am I?"-Alpharius at his AA meetings.

"Hey Tau, we totally surrender, come over here so we can sign the peace treaty and whatever"-Major Harkins, Catachan 4th during the battle for Hades rift.

thing is, they probably will, and bring flower necklaces.

The emperor adressing the primarch of the little-known of 21st legion:
"Son, it's time I showed you the family business."
"Uuh, dad?"
"Yes, son?"
"Well, I...I...-"
"SPIT IT OUT, SON!"
"I want to... dance!"
"You WILL join your brothers in the family business!"
"No, dad."
*Narrows eyes*
"You're dead to me."
*disowned*

The disowned primarch then joins the eldar and plays with ponies and lava lamps.

shrike wrote:
"Son, it's time I showed you the family business."
"Uuh, dad?"
"Yes, son?"
"Well, I...I...-"
"SPIT IT OUT, SON!"
"I want to... dance!"
"You WILL join your brothers in the family business!"
"No, dad."
*Narrows eyes*
"You're dead to me."
*disowned*

BUT SHRIKE! He can dance if he wants too..He can leave his legion behind...cause if he wants to dance, and if they don't dance, then they ain't no battle brother of mine...

Chaos Lord Gir wrote:

shrike wrote:
"Son, it's time I showed you the family business."
"Uuh, dad?"
"Yes, son?"
"Well, I...I...-"
"SPIT IT OUT, SON!"
"I want to... dance!"
"You WILL join your brothers in the family business!"
"No, dad."
*Narrows eyes*
"You're dead to me."
*disowned*

BUT SHRIKE! He can dance if he wants too..He can leave his legion behind...cause if he wants to dance, and if they don't dance, then they ain't no battle brother of mine...

No, he can't. Da Emprah says so.
Okay, him and HIS LEGION joined the eldar, and the danced and gave flower necklaces to everyone, and tau came and they had a big party and everyone was happy.
*They were renamed blood angels.

Tactical marine 1: Brother Sergeant, you won't believe this! The enemy approach, vile Eldar scum and traitor marines!

Brother Sergeant: Then we must purge all of them! *revs chainsword*

Tactical Marine 2: they appear to be...Dancing towards us...

Brother Sergeant:... Somone get me the Chapter Master on the Vox...

D- dancer
S- sarge
C- chapter master
continued:
C- "This is the chapter master"
S- "hey, um, the evil heretics you mentioned? They seem to be in the middle of a dance and singing 'we are family'."
C- "I love dance! I'll teleport in and watch."
S- "Sir, are you sure-"
*teleports*
C- "wow, they have talent!"
S- "Chapter master, should we open fire?"
C- "wait! Let them finish!"
*finishes dance*
D- "Ta da!"
C- "Bravo! Bravo!"
C- *Whispers* "open fire."

Tech Priest watching the display

Tech Priest: I for one question the flexibility of ceramite and plasteel.

And the horror of lycra over the sacred machine form!

"Well back in the day it was widely known that all the primarchs had a specific role, Dorn was the defender, Kurze the 'inspiration' and so on. Now Horus, he was the lawyer."-Malcador the Sigilite on the primarchs

Chaos Lord Gir wrote:Tech Priest watching the display

Tech Priest: I for one question the flexibility of ceramite and plasteel.

And the horror of lycra over the sacred machine form!

chapter master- "Belay that order- I've got the fever!" (starts 70's disco dancing)
S- "sir..."
C- "Just dance!"
(3 hours later)
S- "can we stop dancing now?"
C- "spoilsport. Oh, okay."
(2 days later)
Techmarine- Okay, who put disco balls in all the rhinos?
C- "uuh..."
T- *facepalm*
C- "Sorry..."
T- "and who altered the vox on all the helmets to play the beatles?!"
C- "...uuh..."
Chaplain- "what's going on?"
T- "Dave here made everything gay."
*Chaplain shoots techmarine*
chaplain- "ALTERNATE LIFESTYLE, NOT GAY!!!"
*Chapter master dave and chaplain Jim skip away, holding hands into thier rhino.*
*They drive away blasting out 'yellow submarine' with oil drums on ropes dragging behind, with 'just married' painted on the back*

Too far shrike too far.

Brother sergeant: Sir, we've encountered a group of foul traitor marines!

Chapter Master: CHAAAARGE!

(Squad proceed to charge into the chaos marines flank, guns blazing)

Chapter Master: die traitor scum!

Chaos Lord: Oh yeah? Well yo' momma so ugly, even Nurgle was like 'hell no!'

*Silence covers the battlefield*

Chaos Lord: Too muc-

*Chapter Master discharges a bolt pistol into the Chaos Lords face*

"Why can't we be friends?"-Kharn the Betrayer, Battle of Skalathrax.

"CREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEED!!!!!"-Swarmlord

"Woah, I did not see that coming!" Eldar Farseer

thats like a techmarine saying:

screw it...

More like a techmarine trying to fix a rhino, fails, and tries to get it to work by kicking it and clobbering it with a hammer.

Viktor von Domm wrote:doomfart??

lol.

Any Chaos army which contains at least two units of plague marines may include Ba'Stanq. Ba'Stanq counts as a Sorcerer with a Mark of Nurgle, a demon weapon, and can use the psychic ability Doomfart.

And ripped from someone's sig here...

Guardsman: Nice assault cannon, commissar! What's it for?

Commissar: For when the whole platoon breaks morale.

And courtesy of the guard codex...

Guardsman with a flamer: Hey, can I have some of your frag grenades? I feel like I'm going to be assaulting something today.

Guardsman with a heavy bolter: Go get your own.

well then something in the lines of an IG sargent doing something like that?

mony python=win.
I wanna see in the IG:
blackadder (goes forth)
that sergeant "marching up and down the square"
the marx brother (in duck soup- the one that doesn't talk)
baldrick (goes forth)
and chuck norris.
They would form the most epic kill team...

"sir?"
"yes?"
"A kill team member has destroyed our heavy weapons teams."
"destroyed?"
"yes. Killed seems too...much of an understatement."
"where are the bodies?"
"they...disintegrated"
"?!"
"on impact."
"with..?"
"chuck norris's fist."
""

LOL

chuck norris then being a deathstrike missle?

more like nuke/vortex missile.

hmmm i can see someone building a sarge with quite a big `stach...that would cover the up and down marching sarge... and old SOTR Officer for the WWII version of blackadder...
and well we´ve been there with ol chuck...so that leaves baldrick and the marxbrothers as concripts or more like last chancers?

I can see baldrick as a "red shirt", like from 4th ed. kill team.
and the marx brother? The one that has everything, like inspector gadget...demo guy?

um... i just realised i only now groucho^^ the rest is pretty unknown to me...

It's harpo I'm on about.

ah now i see^^...tho i cant stand his wig^^

Imperial Guard Officer Primer:

"Remember, every guardsman is a valuable member of the team who brings wholly unique life experiences and perspectives to the army. The loss of even a single solider is a true tragedy..."




Flayed One: Hey guys, which way to HQ?
Guardsmen: Holy crap! You're wearing Ted's skin!
Flayed One: Uh,... No I'm not?

"We have to conserve ammo!"
-anyone

"Sergeant, take 11 men up to that ridge with 3 lascannons to hold the approach!"
-Guilleman

That video is why people don't like PDF troopers

Viktor von Domm wrote:well then something in the lines of an IG sargent doing something like that?

I should have joined the British Army!!

...I want that mustache

Necrons? A trifle! It was simply a matter of outsmarting them... you see, Necrons have a preset kill limit. Knowing their weakness, I sent wave after wave of my own men at them, until they reached their limit and shutdown.
- Commander Chenkov on his most recent victory

DickBandit wrote:

Viktor von Domm wrote:well then something in the lines of an IG sargent doing something like that?

I should have joined the British Army!!

...I want that mustache

It's standard issue.

"I'm the best at what i do. And what i do isn't very nice"-Manufactorum worker

"Xenos scum, surrender immediatly, you will not be harmed... promise"-Marshall Feryt of the Black Templars chapter

"Sir, it's a Soul Grinder!" -Last words of a Grey Knights squad, before they we're pummeled into the ground by a vehicle they couldn't hurt.

"My name is Venerable brother Maximus Decimus Merdius and it's time to get this party started!"-Venerable brother Maximus Decimus Meridius, dreadnought of the Sable Swords chapter, interred 999 .M41

Crewmember of the Titan Wazzadakka killed just before he bursts into the cockpit via the glass-
"Dammit, I TOLD you we should'nt have bought the clearance Titan windshield from Wal-Mart!"

purplefood wrote:"My name is Venerable brother Maximus Decimus Merdius and it's time to get this party started!"-Venerable brother Maximus Decimus Meridius, dreadnought of the Sable Swords chapter, interred 999 .M41

"My name is Venerable brother Biggus Dickus"
" "
"What's so funny?"

Cortana: Chief, we seemed to have time warped while following the covenant.

Master Chief: Hmm... I'll talk to this big guy in the spooky knight outfit. I'm Spartan 11-

KHORNE BESERKER: BLOOD FOR THE BLOOD GODS!!!!11

And so, Master Chief was decapitated and many a twelve year-old boy did lament that day. There was also much gnashing of the teeth.

Guardsmen 1: Commissar! We're being slaughtered, we should pull back an-

*Sound of bolt pistol being loaded*

Guardsmen 1: Aaaannnd...CHARGE HEROICLY TOWARDS THEIR GUN LINE!

shrike wrote:

purplefood wrote:"My name is Venerable brother Maximus Decimus Merdius and it's time to get this party started!"-Venerable brother Maximus Decimus Meridius, dreadnought of the Sable Swords chapter, interred 999 .M41

"My name is Venerable brother Biggus Dickus"
" "
"What's so funny?"

thought the same^^

Space marine: so... Are you sure deleting system 32 will make my power armour run smoother?
Tech priest: yeah dude, try it

"Your destruction is the will of the God-Emperor and we are His instrument!"- Canoness Miranda of the Order of The Amber Dawn

Ye that yank the anchor may not handle their lasgun for 3 cycles

"How do you even gnash teeth? Honestly, when people come up with sayings they should put more thought into them, makes me want to go all exterminatus on their ass"-Inquisitor Amberly Vail of the Ordo Xenos on reading the Prophecy of Seer Malakar

Tzeentch yelling "NOT ACCORDING TO PLAN!!"

"How many men did you lose to the Tyranids? Almost 300? And a Titan legion? We didn't even lose a company"-Colonel Jeris of the Cadian 5th regiment to an Ultramarine captain after the battle against Hive Fleet Scarabus

STOP! You violated the law! - Arbites Officer

continued:
"that was because you were 2000km away, firing basilisks at them."
"It worked, didn't it?"
*Power fist to the face*
*guardsmen look horrifically at captain*
"uuh, heretic."
*everyone returns to normal*

the end.

"By the emperor's throne! I can't feel my legs!" Dreadnought Walking for the first time.

"What do you mean we are out ammo?" Commanding Officer at the Battle of Markimus V.

"Hmm, were surronded on both sides and the enemy has an entire fleet that has crippled our ships! Brothers get into the torpedos!" Wolf Lord ____________ before the victory against the Chaos Armada.

"Oh Throne no." *explosion* Last words of Librarian of the Ultramarines before a warlord titan fell on him and squished him like a bug.

"I am a the Emperor's leaf on the wind, Watch how I soar." Insane Pilot Wash of the Cadians air defense.

"Do you know how much trouble I'd get in if i killed one of you? The answer is not much"-Wulfric Iron-Hide

"Surrounded? Excellent now we can charge in any direction"-Wolf Lord Freki Skarsenn

Ork tank buster: "OI Grot get 'ere"
Grot: "y..y...yess"
Ork tank buster: "frow dis"
Ork tank buster pulls the pin out of a stikk bomb and hands the pin to the Grot
Grot throws the pin
Ork tank buster: "Oh wait dad was der rong bit..." BOOM

"How the hell am I supposed to go to the bathroom?"

-Every New Space Marine, ever.

purplefood wrote:"Surrounded? Excellent now we can charge in any direction"-Wolf Lord Freki Skarsenn

+1 for that.

"My eyes! My eyes!"- anon. astropath

"You know, you never told us your name."
"Marbo."
"Where are you from?"
"Catachan."
"Why'd you leave?"
"I got drafted in Chronus."
"And you just stayed?"
"It's complicated."
"You have family back home?"
"Don't know."
"aren't you curious to see how things might've changed back home?"
"Gotta have a reason for that."

"Okay so here's the plan: When the Chaos Marines drop down I'll jump out and strangle the Lord to death with this vine and you guys come out and kill everyone else, any questions?"-Colonel Iron-hand Straken during the briefing of his regimental officers during the defense of Catachan

"Sir! I found an Eldar craft like, but it is beeping! Wow its turning green!" Imperial Guard Private after founding a Necron a artifact and before getting annihilated.

"Who the hell are the Fallen Angels, Dark Angel Captain?" LOST CONTACT.

"Sir we found something it is called 4 something chan. Or someother piece of crap. Can we burn it?" Inquisitor Henchmen Relic Destroyer Ron.

"Wheres my grenades?" Grenadier Luke

Asherian Command wrote:"Wheres my grenades?" Grenadier Luke

*snigger*
"Bob! I need those!"
*snigger*
"Where did you put them?"
*snigger*
"Bob, stop feeding ogryns my grenades!"
*snigger*

"Hey, boss. Did you say these robots were our friends?"-Tau firewarrior during the first contact with the Necrons.

purplefood wrote:"Hey, boss. Did you say these robots were our friends?"-Tau firewarrior during the first contact with the Necrons.

oh yeah XD

"Horus wasn't really killed by the Emperor, Creed outflanked a Baneblade through space and time, it landed in the bridge and killed Horus"-Herax archive currently under quarantine by the Inquisition

"...dunno, go say hi. Since everyone else seems to hate us, let's make some friends"
*approaches necron lord*
"uuh, hi."
...
"have a daisy chain."
*thump*
"AAAAAAAAH!"
>comms end<

Arhiman: Ok, I'll start reading the rubric! Let see now... In the naam... the neem... the name! the name of Tzain... Tzeint... Tzeensh... Tzeentch, I will naw... nao now... dee... deffund... defend! ...all thii... the... Tausen... Thausun... Thouson...
A second sorcerer enters and takes the book.
Second sorcerer: In the name of Tzeentch I will now defend all the Thousand Sons, from the mootai... muuta... mutatti...
A third sorcerer enters.
Third sorcerer: Mutating!
S: Mutating?
T: the mutating powers of.. of Sheeyo... Shayos...
Ahriman takes the book.
A: Chaos! The mutating powers of Chaos!
S: Aha, I see...


No wonder it didn't work as planned.

(For you who didn't quite understand, I was inspirated by this sketch.

"throne is on, throne is off, throne is on, throne is off"-Unknowm Custodes

''What do you mean I am just 1 of 1million?''
-Guardsman 878135531

Ailaros wrote:

Viktor von Domm wrote:doomfart??

lol.

Any Chaos army which contains at least two units of plague marines may include Ba'Stanq. Ba'Stanq counts as a Sorcerer with a Mark of Nurgle, a demon weapon, and can use the psychic ability Doomfart.

And ripped from someone's sig here...

Guardsman: Nice assault cannon, commissar! What's it for?

Commissar: For when the whole platoon breaks morale.

And courtesy of the guard codex...

Guardsman with a flamer: Hey, can I have some of your frag grenades? I feel like I'm going to be assaulting something today.

Guardsman with a heavy bolter: Go get your own.

I believe that would be mine Ailaros it was inspired by the part in the book "Grey Knights" after (SPOILER) the GK ship crashes into the guardsmen and they are all lost and broken and the commissar shoots them at random, also all russian commissars seem to have machine guns so

Karmine (gears of war): "Why is it people without helmets seem to live longer!"
Marcus Phoenix: "Its easier to spot snipers"
Chapter master: "I agree" *stares at tactical marines wearing helmets*

"Ah, dont worry! We are well out of ra-FREEEM" last recording from a guardsmens vox.

*two grey knights talking during a purge*
GK1: So, hows things? *rips halberd from chest of dead damon*
GK2: Oh same old same old, just killing some daemons *squelch*
GK1: Thought you'd mix things up a bit?

Creed's speech- "Guardsmen numbering untold billions..."
serf- "actually the cadian imperial guard number at exactly 4,382,739,935 men, 745 leman russes, 472 basilisk batteries, 3 titan legions and 838832 battle-servitors."
Creed- "...Guardsmen numbering 4,382,739,935- what force in the universe can hope to withstand our wrath?"
serf- "4,382,739,936 guardmen, 4,382,739,937 guardsmen, 4,382,739,938 guardmen, 4,382-"
*smash*
"Guardsmen numbering untold billions..."

Exopheric wrote:"Your destruction is the will of the God-Emperor and we are His instrument!"- Canoness Miranda of the Order of The Amber Dawn

In Amber Clad, you BUTCHER!

You mixed it with Forward Unto Dawn!

(You are quoting halo 3 right?)

Flayed One: "You're wearing Mordian? That is soooo last century. Valhallan is the new Cadian!"

"Horus I never even liked you, hell I liked 2 and 11 more, and I didn't even name them!"-Emperors words that truly caused Horus to rebel

Two space marines are in the infrimary after a victorious battle against the orks

Marine 1: I took acouple of rockets to the chest and back, Ork scum managed to cripple my spine, what are you in for?

Marine 2: Lost my arm down planet side

Marine 1: I heard you were part of the strike team which assassinated the Ork warboss, did he cleave your arm off?

Marine 2: No, I high fived the Commander after we totally kicked the Warbosses ass.

Marine 1:...Then ho-

Marine 2: Powerfist.


editted my stupid spelling errors.

Chaos Lord Gir wrote:editted my stupid spelling errors.

ROFL

Jaon wrote:

Exopheric wrote:"Your destruction is the will of the God-Emperor and we are His instrument!"- Canoness Miranda of the Order of The Amber Dawn

In Amber Clad, you BUTCHER!

You mixed it with Forward Unto Dawn!

(You are quoting halo 3 right?)

Yep, and the mixing was deliberate; I thought it sounded a little more like a Sororitas Order.

Deep beneath the fortress citadel that is The Fang, the space wolves true elite await the call to action, for their foe is mighty and terrible, their task insurmountable, the odds stacked against them. Not for glory these unsung heroes, there would be none, forgotten would they be by the annals of time.

Their skill unmatched with a blade, the Space Wolves Barbers awaited this new great task, Grimnar descended into the depths of their realm.

It was time for a shave.

danp164 wrote:Deep beneath the fortress citadel that is The Fang, the space wolves true elite await the call to action, for their foe is mighty and terrible, their task insurmountable, the odds stacked against them. Not for glory these unsung heroes, there would be none, forgotten would they be by the annals of time.

Their skill unmatched with a blade, the Space Wolves Barbers awaited this new great task, Grimnar descended into the deths of their realm.

It was time for a shave.

+1!


Company commander: Guardsmen 152341! How in the name of the God Emperor didn't that Plasma cannon kill you??!

Guardsmen 152341: Well, all I saw was this bright flash and my squad members just vaporising and I heard a...Rolling sound over the half finished cries of my comrades, and when I looked up all I saw was a number 1 floating over my head, and I was completely left unharmed...

time for a shave +1.

IF captain- "sergeant! Why are you falling back?! We are the imperial fist, the sons of dorn, the-"
sergeant- "It's scary!"
capt.- "what happened?"
sgt.- "They got dave!"
capt.- "Where's his body?"
*sgt points in several different places*
"There, there, a little bit over there and here."
...
"Fall back!"

"The willing find redemption in service to the Emperor. The unwilling find redemption in the blessed agony of purifying fire."

Fun times.

Guardsman kills a Chaos Marine with a lasgun;

Guardsman: Guys, hey guys, I actually killed someone! With a lasgun! Ha ha!

"Well first we get a normal Imperial guard regiment, then we give each guardsman a tank"-Creation of an armoured regiment

"WE HAVE PLACED NUMEROUS BEACONS ALLOWING FOR MULTIPLE, SIMULTANEOUS AND DEFENSIVE SIMULTANEOUS DEFENSIVE AND MULTIPLE DEEP STRIKES.... DEEEP STRIIIIKES".

Oh wait, that actually happened...


Automatically Appended Next Post:
Marine: "They took our metal boxes!"
Company Commander: "Right then, screw it... I'm going home."

"There are 2 rules for the Inquisition, the first is we don't talk about the Inquisition. The second is exterminatus' don't actually work"-Inquisitor Aldron ret.

Plague Marine- "free hugs day!"

Guardsmen on a Plague Marine's low Initiative- Ew, shoot them before they touch us!

Tau Hammerhead tank commander speeding into the fray: IM ON A GODDAMN SHARK! RAWR!!!
THSS Termie: *facepalm*

ChiliPowderKeg wrote:
THSS Termie: *facepalm*

better yet
Apothecarian: what happened to your sergeant?
Marine: he facepalmed with a powerfist

"What if we get the Thunderfire cannon and modify it to shoot wolves at our foes?"-Iron Priest Morgrim the crazy

Loota: hrrm, i fink it has to much dakka...
Mek yeah, i guess so.

“All my squad mates are dead, I'm on the last half clip of my bolt pistol, I'm surrounded by a hoard of blood crazed orks who are armed to the teeth and their bullets are rapidly eating away at my cover... thank the emperor I wore my plot armor today.”

A marine in a not so highly regarded BL novel shortly before he kills an entire WAAAGH’s worth of orks in highly improbable ways.

4th ed.- "wow, they sit in metal bawkses!"
5th ed.- "wow, they don't sit in metal bawkses!"

What I wanna know is what commander can afford to give every gaurdsman squad a chimera- they all die day 1.

shrike wrote:4th ed.- "wow, they sit in metal bawkses!"
5th ed.- "wow, they don't sit in metal bawkses!"

What I wanna know is what commander can afford to give every gaurdsman squad a chimera- they all die day 1.

for whatever reason i want to say CREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEED!!!!!

When ou think about material, you need about 7 chimeras to make a baneblade. A baneblade is way better than a chimera.

shrike wrote:When ou think about material, you need about 7 chimeras to make a baneblade. A baneblade is way better than a chimera.

another thing to think about is training chimaera im guessing any idiot can drive, baneblade takes more crew/talent

"So during all that time we were getting slaughtered, you were doing what?"-all loyal primarches towards roubute guillamen

*chaos whispers in the ears of the primarchs*
"did you know you were born in a laboratory?"

"I SUDDENLY WANT TO KILL EVERYTHING!!"

Rule 16 of His Emperor's most holy Imperial Guard and Regulations related to dealing with the most noble Adeptus Astartus-

Do not engage the Space Wolf chapter into a drinking contest. The Emperor needs all men combat ready in his glorious army. Any guardsmen found to be dead from alcohol overdose will be executed!

"Keep it away! Keep it away!"
Anon Broadside battlesuit pilot pointing at the nearest model with a storm shield.

"Make Dakka not waagh"-A boy who had just taken a bolter round to the head

"do the barrel roll!" C.S Goto

"I'm out of ammo"-what really caused the Eye of Terror

'Thou shalt refrain from replacing the oxygen tanks in thy masters rebreather with helium, no matter how amusing this be to thy humour!'

fulgrim going to greet his newly discovered brother Perturabo

fulgrim: Welcome Perturabo, I am your broth-

Perturabo: HAHAHA WHY ARE YOU DRESSED IN PINK HAHAH AND THAT LONG HAIR! YOU LOOK LIKE A WOMAN!! IM GONNA CALL YOU FERGIE! HAHAH

fulgrim: SHUT UP IM PERFECT!!! *RUNS AWAY CRYING*

"NEVER GUNNA GIVE YOU UP, NEVER GUNNA LET YOU DOWN, NEVER GUNNA TURN AROUND AND HURT YOU"

*The noise Emperors Children Sonic weapons ACTUALLY make.


Thats right IoM, your being Rick roll;ed to death.

If I did CSM, the first thing I'd do would be to convert some rockin' noise marines with amps, guitars and drums.

When genestealers first did the brain-control thing on guardsmen:
Sarge- "OMNOMNOM"
IG 1- "Sir?"
Sarge- "yassss?"
IG 1- "What's with the wierd noises?"
Sarge- "OMNOMNOM"
IG 1- "AAAARGH!"
IG 2- "OMG you just ate Keith!"
Sarge- "Uhh, heretic...?"
IG 1- "Oh, right."
Sarge- "OMNOMNOM"
IG 2- "AAAARGH!"
IG 3- "OMG you just ate Dave!"
Sarge- "heretic."
IG 3- "Oh, right."
Sarge- "OMNOMNOM"
ect.

Necron Lord: Prepare the Monolith
Monolith: 404 File not found
Necron Lord: ...

DickBandit wrote:Necron Lord: Prepare the Monolith
Monolith: 404 File not found
Necron Lord: ...

****bandit- you may have found the way to kill necrons. Just give them a load of viruses, or subscribe them to every website ever. They'll be bogged down in popups and thus will be blind...
That or live underwater. RUST!!!

Random Guardsman fighting against a Xenos enemy and getting a headshot: "Owned."

Any Tyranid: "RAWR!"

IG: Sir! We captured a servant of nurgle!
snooki: for the last time who is nurgle?!

Cunning Warboss Speach: The goal of this year’s Waargh is to establish a dialogue between the different approaches to create a space for a constructive discussion of ideas about human nature and understanding.
Ork Grunt: Uuh? I betta like dem bosses stronger den cunning!

Gaunts: "Click Click screetch screetch, scratch"

"Uhh, what are the Tyranids doing?"- last words spoken on Amphilion Base


"Dey stole our taktik!"- Ork boy under attack from Hive Fleet Jormungandr

A tale of two guardsmen:

1- "Hey, Bob, I hear we're fighting chaos today."
2- "So?"
1- "You going?"
2- "nah."
1- "Can I use your plasma gun?"
2- "nah."
1- "Why?"
2- "It's mine."
1- "You're not using it!"
2- "so?"
1- "I want it!"
2- "so?"
1- "That's not fair!"
2- "so?"
1- "stoppit!"
2- "...so?"
1- "that makes no sense!"
2- "so?"
1- "AAAAAAARGH!!!"
2- "..."
1- "..."
2- "so?"
*suicide*

Calm down there Shrike

Catachans are gathered around a camp fire, drinking and swapping rumours of famous Catachan commanders around;

Catachan 1: Well I once heard that Sergeant Harker actually strangled a ravenger with his bare hands!

Catachan 2: Well thats nothing, ol' Iron Hand strangled a Chaos Lord with nothing more than a piece of rope and several taunts

Catachan 3 looks up from the fire and glares at them all: Horus lowered the shields on his battle barge cause Sly Marbo told him to.

The Catachans sink their gaze back the fire, stunned.

so is sly marbo chuck norris in the year 40k then???

Damn thing close enough IMO.

Hes just a guardsmen yet pulls off feats that wouldn't of shamed the elite warriors of pre HH

All whilst in flak armour.

Well, that means Ram-MARBO is 10,000 years old at least.

bet he got nuts as hard as steelbullets or better adamantium...

vik

Viktor von Domm wrote:bet he got nuts as hard as steelbullets or better adamantium...

vik

....what would happen if creed and marbo teamed up

The tactical genius of a out-flanking demo charge.

As in Marbo would come in one side, and several thousand kilos of high explosive the other.

Tzeentch- "are you thinking what I'm thinking?"

Wardragoon wrote:

Viktor von Domm wrote:bet he got nuts as hard as steelbullets or better adamantium...

vik

....what would happen if creed and marbo teamed up

Then:
-da emprah will rise.
-da gribblies will flee back where they came from.
-da orks will follow.
-da eldar and tau will date and dance off in the opposite direction to the 'nids and orks.
-da chaos gods will get killed by creed/marbo/emprah.
-CSM will collapse and die.
-daemons (and mephiston) will disintegrate.
-da warp will close for evah.
-The necrons wake up, see the sh** going on, and go back to sleep, to wake up with aftershave on thier face and the word "penis" insribed on thier face 10,000 years later.
-squats return, get drunk with SW, and die during a dare-race through the ever-closing warp.
-BA succumb to the black rage, have loads of fun beating the sh** out of each other, and die.

Keywords spoken by Chaos Sorc's when casting Lash of Submission: "Get over here!" -in homage to Scorpion.

Painnen wrote:Keywords spoken by Chaos Sorc's when casting Lash of Submission: "Get over here!" -in homage to Scorpion.

Nice



Guardsmen 14525213: Has anyone noticed we're just as effective shooting at somthing hundreds of meters away, as we are at somthing like 15 feet away. That just makes no sens-BANG

Commissar: Any one else have any revalations whilst we're here?

Creed outflanks a Lord Comissar in front of an enemy army of imperial guard, they try to run, but they have a commisar, world subsequently implodes

Konrad curze: congratulations captain on your promotion to equerry of the primarch.

Captain: thank you sir.

Curze: by the way you'll now be required to wear this cape and mask.

Captain: sir?

Curze: and you will be known as robin. Questions?

shrike wrote:

Wardragoon wrote:

Viktor von Domm wrote:bet he got nuts as hard as steelbullets or better adamantium...

vik

....what would happen if creed and marbo teamed up

Then:
-da emprah will rise.
-da gribblies will flee back where they came from.
-da orks will follow.
-da eldar and tau will date and dance off in the opposite direction to the 'nids and orks.
-da chaos gods will get killed by creed/marbo/emprah.
-CSM will collapse and die.
-daemons (and mephiston) will disintegrate.
-da warp will close for evah.
-The necrons wake up, see the sh** going on, and go back to sleep, to wake up with aftershave on thier face and the word "penis" insribed on thier face 10,000 years later.
-squats return, get drunk with SW, and die during a dare-race through the ever-closing warp.
-BA succumb to the black rage, have loads of fun beating the sh** out of each other, and die.

Closed warp = no faster than light travel or psyker powers. That warp is pretty important to practically every race except the 'Nids.

"DAMNIT, WHO PAINTED MY THRONE PINK!" the reason for Khorne's anger and his rivalry with Slaanesh.

"Hrm, dis piece goes here, and dat piece... I NEED MORE GLUE!!!"- one of Grotsnik's orderlies, mere moments before Nobs all across the camp began to have their last headaches.

GOTHIC MOTHAFETHA, DO YOU SPEAK IT?!

"I have a lovely bunch of coconuts, doob de doo, all there standing in a row, big ones small one, some as big as your head"-Lysander's repeated words during his incarceration by the Iron Warriors.

*Cannones Pyros Maniacallus to heavy flamer retribution squad*
"FIRE!"

An army of Necrons are attacked by an army of Ultramarines, and they flee. Why? Well, you see...

Necron Lord: Aah! The bluescreen of death! My immortal enemy. Retreat!

Human- "high five"

Tau- ".... racist"

Mr Nobody wrote:Human- "high five"

Tau- ".... racist"

"down low"-Human
"this guy is really a racist"-Squat

"Grots 401 on Strike!"
" Fewer Kicks, better Dakka!"

I got told this one by a friend between ultramarine and sob

Ultramarine: So wanna go out?
SOB1: Well....
SOB2: Shes mine
Ultramarine: Awkward..

"We ain't winning? Black Rage Quit!" random Blood angel marine before ripping his power armor off and beating people to death with it.

Wardragoon wrote:

Mr Nobody wrote:Human- "high five"

Tau- ".... racist"

"down low"-Human
"this guy is really a racist"-Squat

"up high!"- human
"okay!" *smack*- power-fisted space marine
"AAAAAAAARGH!!! My arm!"- human
what goes around...

"Hey, Can any of you guys play bass?"-Noisemarine sergeant

"Damn! There's nothing in "De Gloria Macharia" about THIS!" - Ursarkar E. Creed.

"Sir we're under attack!"
"Okay just let me find the page!"
-Vox capture from Ultramarine command post during the battle for Macragg.

CSM 1:"Sir we just caught the person who managed to outflank us with a platoon of cadians"
Chaos Leader:"Finally Creed is in my hands"
CSM 2:"Uhm no sir its not he"
Chaos Leader"Well then who the hell is it"
CSM 1:"some person who identifies himself as Bond, James Bond"

Wardragoon wrote:CSM 1:"Sir we just caught the person who managed to outflank us with a platoon of cadians"
Chaos Leader:"Finally Creed is in my hands"
CSM 2:"Uhm no sir its not he"
Chaos Leader"Well then who the hell is it"
CSM 1:"some person who identifies himself as Bond, James Bond"

I laughed so hard...

Chaos Leader: well then shake him and stirr whats left of him...

"Do you feel lucky?"-Stenciled on the side of "Traitor" a plasma gun used by the command squad of 3rd platoon, 8th company, 14th Cadian regiment responsible for the death of over 20 men.

Carnifex as he's killing Cadians: "I JUST WANT TO BE WUUUVED!!!"

L- chaos lord
C- creed
M- minion

M- "sir, we found someone who outflanked 3 baneblades"
L- "FINALLY! I HAVE CREED!!!"
M- "Yes."
L- "BRING HIM TO ME!"
*Brings creed forwards*
L- "I have you know, you sucker."
C- "It's pronounced Usarkar."
L- "...Shut up."
C- "There's one thing you haven't noticed."
L- "what?!"
C- "ow many baneblades to I normally crush you with?"
L- "20..."
M- "hmmm...OH MY GOD LOOK O-"
L- "CREEEEEEEEEED!!!"
*17 Baneblades appear from behind a bush and open fire*
C- "heh heh heh..."
*chomps on cigar*

Imperial Guard Sarge runs up on the battlefield to a group of guradsmen surround by a dead Captain.

Sarge: What happened here, how did the captain die?

Guardsman: He was killed and eaten by a group of Kroot mercenaries, sir!

Sarge Well I guess, *puts sun glasses on* he didn't know his kroots...


YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!

"Shhhh it's a secret"-Dark Angels official motto
"Boo"-Konrad Curze

Creed and Kell are captured by Abbadon, the Chaos Marines all gather around the pair of men as the Despoiler himself interrogates them-

Abbadon: Ah the infamous Creed himself, in the flesh. Not that I intend on on allowing you such a luxury for long. But who is your friend my men have captured so?

Kell glances between Abbadon and Creed rapidly, he is no coward but being confronted by a being whose sent millions to their graves tends to shake ones nerves.

Creed clears his throat and just says quietly,
'Don't tell him your name Kell- Oh by the Golden Throne >.<'

Abbadon: KELL IT IS!


(Whoever gets the refference, +20 points)

No clue, but just guessing:
Blackadder?
Monty python?

When IG first encountered Jokaero:
"IG see, IG do."
"Hey!"
"what?"
"we say Jokaero see, Jokaero do."
"Hey!"
"what?"

"Doctor, I'd like to kiss you goodbye."
"Alright, but you're so damn ugly."

ect.

shrike wrote:No clue, but just guessing:
Blackadder?
Monty python?

When IG first encountered Jokaero:
"IG see, IG do."
"Hey!"
"what?"
"we say Jokaero see, Jokaero do."
"Hey!"
"what?"

"Doctor, I'd like to kiss you goodbye."
"Alright, but you're so damn ugly."

ect.

Dads army actually, from the episode where they capture a German submarine that was coming up the river iirc.

+1 internets too you Purplefood!

Yay!
And now back to our scheduled programme.
"And i would have gotten away with it, if it wasn't for those stupid kids and Creed!"-Abbadon the Despoiler on the stalling of the 13th Black Crusade

Wasn't it meddling kids, not stupid kids?

L_Dawg wrote:Wasn't it meddling kids, not stupid kids?

I'm just imagining creed saying that to abaddon and the expected response from abaddon

L_Dawg wrote:Wasn't it meddling kids, not stupid kids?

Somehow i don't think abbadon ever caught early morning TV... or Scooby-doo... or cartoons in general for that matter.

purplefood wrote:

L_Dawg wrote:Wasn't it meddling kids, not stupid kids?

Somehow i don't think abbadon ever caught early morning TV... or Scooby-doo... or cartoons in general for that matter.

and that is why abaddon truly became a heretic, no saturday morning cartoons

Wardragoon wrote:

purplefood wrote:

L_Dawg wrote:Wasn't it meddling kids, not stupid kids?

Somehow i don't think abbadon ever caught early morning TV... or Scooby-doo... or cartoons in general for that matter.

and that is why abaddon truly became a heretic, no saturday morning cartoons

Does that mean Creed watched a lot of them? What does that say about the emperor... and his 'webway' or more likely his giant telly!

purplefood wrote:

Wardragoon wrote:

purplefood wrote:

L_Dawg wrote:Wasn't it meddling kids, not stupid kids?

Somehow i don't think abbadon ever caught early morning TV... or Scooby-doo... or cartoons in general for that matter.

and that is why abaddon truly became a heretic, no saturday morning cartoons

Does that mean Creed watched a lot of them? What does that say about the emperor... and his 'webway' or more likely his giant telly!

maybe the astronomicon is a massive tv(nids want to watch tv too)

Wardragoon wrote:

purplefood wrote:

Wardragoon wrote:

purplefood wrote:

L_Dawg wrote:Wasn't it meddling kids, not stupid kids?

Somehow i don't think abbadon ever caught early morning TV... or Scooby-doo... or cartoons in general for that matter.

and that is why abaddon truly became a heretic, no saturday morning cartoons

Does that mean Creed watched a lot of them? What does that say about the emperor... and his 'webway' or more likely his giant telly!

maybe the astronomicon is a massive tv(nids want to watch tv too)

They didn't get animal planet channel in the other galaxy.

Probably 'cos they ate all the animals... in a suitably comedic way.

purplefood wrote:Probably 'cos they ate all the animals... in a suitably comedic way.

Omnomnomnom (amidoinitright?)

>screech!< OMNOMNOM >scuttle< OMNOMNOM >scratch< OMNOMNOM >clack<
With a translator:
">Aw, man!< OMNOMNOM >this galaxy has no disney channel either!< OMNOMNOM >Hey! Apparently the emperor has a 10,000" TV!< OMNOMNOM >C'mon then!<"

Tau generals discussing how to combat the Tyranid threat

Ethereal:....We could... Shoot it some more?

*cheers of applause erupts from the commanders*

Ethereal: OR! We move backwards, and THEN shoot! No one would expect that!

shrike wrote:

Wardragoon wrote:

Mr Nobody wrote:Human- "high five"

Tau- ".... racist"

"down low"-Human
"this guy is really a racist"-Squat

"up high!"- human
"okay!" *smack*- power-fisted space marine
"AAAAAAAARGH!!! My arm!"- human
what goes around...

Racist marine on dessert planet:... Down low too slow!
Necron: PROCESSING DATA. BLEEP! Racist...

Racist space marine on ice planet: down low too sl...ARHHG!
Necron: HA HA HA

Space marine 1: damn! Necrons! My hellfire bullets won't work!
SM2: techmarine gave me new improved hellfire bullets! Let's see if they work
Blam!
Necron: downloading newly aquied data. (virus takes hold) blam!

Sm1 necrons! Use your bullets!
Blam!
Necron: doanloading data.... Virus detected! Activating AVG anti virus software
Sm1&2: $&@?!

"THOUGH I FACE THE SHADOWS OF THE WARP,

I SHALL FEAR NO EVIL, I SHALL FEAR NO FOE!

FOR I HAVE MOAR DAKKA THAN YOU, BITCHES!"

A clunk made me turn around, to see the Gray Knight Athos facepalm.

"That makes no sense, Michael."

Captain of White Ravens with powerfist
"FALCON PUNCH!!!!"

Sister of Battle:(soob) "But Sister Superior I just can't do it,my bust is too big to fit in my armour".

Sister superior:"It's ok,we'll go down to the infirmary and get them reduced".

Meanwhile in the Warp

Slaanesh:"I sense a disdurbense in the Force".

Tau 1:For the greater good!
Tau 2:What?
Tau 1:The greater good. the principles underlying our society and philosophy.
Tau 2:Oh...
Tau 1:Why what did you think it was?
Tau 2:Well... i thought... i thought they said the greater food
Tau 1:... I can see how you would be disappointed
Tau 2:Yeah...

Random Gaurdsman 22,343,723,736,257: Wow, I've never met an Ultra Marine before...

Ork Kommando: dis humie makes grots look smart.

Big Mek Dattrukk wrote:Random Gaurdsman 22,343,723,736,257: Wow, I've never met an Ultra Marine before...

Ork Kommando: dis humie makes grots look smart.

I thought I'd make another little segment- "40k quotes that will never exist".
Here they are:
imperial fist: "RUN AWAY!!! FLEE!!! FALL BACK!!! RETREAT!!!"
Ork mek: "Nah, too much dakka"
dreadnought: "How the f*** to I scratch my ****?!"
Ork: "The quantum physics...cannon is pi times the radius...to the power of..."
necron A: "Wakey wakey!" necron B: "Uhmmph...five more years..."

lol these are really cool^^

imperial fist: "RUN AWAY!!! FLEE!!! FALL BACK!!! RETREAT!!!"

my favorite so far...

gribbly A- "Ya know, I'm kinda full up."
gribbly B- "Yeah, but you should totally, like, biomorph to have devourers. They're the new fleshborer!"
gribbly A- "That would so go with my carapace!"
gribbly B- "I was totally thinking that, too. I'm trying to lose a bit of weight right now."
gribbly A- "I might do the same."
gribbly B- "That'd be so, like, awesome. See you next world!"
gribbly A- "See ya, babes."

tau- "Wanna practice close-combat?"

farseer- "Guys- about our whole race declining thing."
autarch- "Yes?"
banshee- "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!"
farseer- "Ignore her. It's that time of the month again."
autarch- "oh."
farseer- "yeah. Anyway, I have an idea."
banshee- "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!"
autarch- "I'm listening..."
farseer- "How about we actually practice making new weapons of war and fighting instead of flower picking and tea parties."
autarch- "NEVAH!!!"

Emprah upon seeing Sangunios dead, "that makes me a sad panda"

Tau: Charge!!!!!!!!

Orks: Bigger izn't bettar!

In the immortal words of Commissar Nice:

"Aww! C'mere you, have some cookies and a hug!"

"I'm too old for this gak" - The oldest Cadian, age 29.

Guardsmen 1: Uh, Commissar, are you sure these uplifting primers are totally correc-*BLAM*

Commissar: Next?

Chaos Lord Gir wrote:Guardsmen 1: Uh, Commissar, are you sure these uplifting primers are totally correc-*BLAM*

Commissar: Next?

guardsmen 2: Uh, commissar, there's a typo in these upli-*BLAM*
next?
...30 years later...
guardsmen 3,019,031: Uh, commis-*BLAM*
*sigh*...next?

Squats.

<_<
>_>

S_P

(Two Guard, discussing a nearby Multimelta Retributer Sister)

A: I fear her foes, that thing has massive Armour Penetration!
B: Oh Yeah? I'd like to penetrate HER armour!
(Hijinks ensue)

hive tyrant- "FLICK THE SWITCH!"
zoat- "yesss, massster..."

Necron : "W'ell be back"

Arnie in terminator armour : "U STOLE MY LINE!!"

Guardsmen 13: Gak, my lasgun jammed!

Guardsmen 3623:...Bu...But it has NO moving parts!?

well it is in fact the machinespirit thats jamming around ...used the laser as a cd drive...and probably as a discolight too...

Viktor von Domm wrote:well it is in fact the machinespirit thats jamming around ...used the laser as a cd drive...and probably as a discolight too...

I can just imagine a lasgun with strobe lights flashing out the barrel and muffled "YMCA"
"trooper, what's your lasgun doing?"
"uuh, the hokey cokey I thi-"
*blam*

i guess if a guardsman would say music has taken his soul then he would be instantly shot too on account of being taken over by the powers of the warp...gives a whole new meaning to the term noise marine...

Van Braun wrote:(Two Guard, discussing a nearby Multimelta Retributer Sister)

A: I fear her foes, that thing has massive Armour Penetration!
B: Oh Yeah? I'd like to penetrate HER armour!
(Hijinks ensue)

Continued!

*terminator walks up next to them*
I believe I will be deep striking and -power-fisting her.
*Tau steps up*
Well, IT IS for the greater good.
*Tyranid walks up*
Leeeett me devourr herr.
*Eldar walks up*
I believe it is time to get out my vibro-cannon.

*Ork watching from a distance*
...BOSS! DEY IS MUKKIN ABOUT!

Every new squad of Ultramarines:

Ultramarine Scout: "Hey guys, I just realized something. We're Ultramarines, and we're blue. Ultramarine blue. Get it?"

(Chaplain hits him with the Croxius Arcanum)

Chaplain: "Anyone else have anything to say about our name?"

(Other Scouts look around awkwardly)



Tau Fire Warriors: "CHARGE!!!"



Ork Loota: "That's enough Dakka!"

space wolves not fetching.

tau charging.

an ork saying "too much dakka"

a blood angel saying "too over-the-top and cheesy"

a tyranid that gets full up.

a 5 foot squat.

a 40-year-old guardsman.

a daemon saying "nah, too messed up."

khorne saying "too much blood."

grey knight: "hey, have you ever noticed how we're called grey knights, but we're silver?"
"nah."
"oh well. As you were."

a black templar getting homesick.

a death korpsman crapping himself.

On all Medi-packs and Nartheciums:
"Usage: Use on any wound caused by enemy shooting or melee attacks."

"Directions: Apply to all squad members."

"Warning: Does not protect from instant death."

Directions on Sanguiniary Priests:
"Directions: Apply to all nearby squads"

The Emperor of Man in the 41st millennium: "uhh hello? anyone out there? I have been waiting soooo long for a roll of toilet paper....."

Kharn: I gave blood today at the local childrens hospital.

BLOOD FOR THE UNDER FUNDED CHILDRENS HOSPITAL!

Thinkin his WAAAGH be needin dat extra sumffin. Grazkull, nowing da Meks are always makin moar dakka, turns to Mad Dok to make sumffin splodey. So Dok finishes up his latest kreeashun, Da 'Reeps

Gaurdsman of some random armored division: Uhh, Commander, Sir
CMD: Yes?
GM: the Greenskins are deploying what looks like green blocks
CMD: huh?
GM: and they are moving towards us
CMD: Well, there are too few to waste ammo on, *over vox* prepair to flatten them
'reeps: sssssssssssssssssssssssss. . . .

All coms from the Random Armored Division cut out into a multitude of explosions, followed by static.

Anidem wrote:Thinkin his WAAAGH be needin dat extra sumffin. Grazkull, nowing da Meks are always makin moar dakka, turns to Mad Dok to make sumffin splodey. So Dok finishes up his latest kreeashun, Da 'Reeps

Gaurdsman of some random armored division: Uhh, Commander, Sir
CMD: Yes?
GM: the Greenskins are deploying what looks like green blocks
CMD: huh?
GM: and they are moving towards us
CMD: Well, there are too few to waste ammo on, *over vox* prepair to flatten them
'reeps: sssssssssssssssssssssssss. . . .

All coms from the Random Armored Division cut out into a multitude of explosions, followed by static.

10000000 pts to those who understand the reference

^ uuh...sorry to disapoint... ^

shrike wrote:^ uuh...sorry to disapoint... ^

What?

I dunno...wish I did...

I dont get the ref either.

'reeps = Creepers

Creepers are a creature in Minecraft, and are essentially giant green blocks that quietly sneak up on you then explode.
The only sound they ever make is a low "ssssssssssss" of a fuse burning. . .
and by the time you hear a fuse start to burn. . . its already too late






EDIT: i now have a totally AWESOME idea for Tyranid Spore Mines

Grot: SHUT UP YA BIG GREEN MORON! NOW DROP AN GIMME 50!!

forrest grot:
"My runtherd always said- Life was like a looted wagon. You never know what you're gonna get."

"Have you found Mork yet, grot?
I didn't know I was supposed to be looking for him, boss."


"Anyway, like I was sayin', squig is the fruit of the sea. You can barbecue it, boil it, broil it, bake it, saute it. Dey's uh, squig-kabobs, squig creole, squig gumbo. Pan fried, deep fried, stir-fried. There's pineapple squig, lemon squig, coconut squig, pepper squig, squig soup, squig stew, squig salad, squig and potatoes, squig burger, squig sandwich. That- that's about it."

"Sometimes, I guess there just aren't enough bullets."

"It was a bullet, wasn't it?
A bullet?
That jumped up and bit you.
Oh, yes boss. Bit me right in the buttocks. They said it was a million-teef wound, but the army must keep those teef 'cause I still haven't seen any of that million teef."

"My given name is Buzzhed Bashy Blue, but people call me Bubba. Just like one of them ol' freeboota boyz. Can you believe that?
My name's Forrest Grot. People call me Forrest Grot."

"I had run for 3 years, 2 months, 14 days, and 16 hours.
Quiet, quiet! He's gonna say something!
...I'm pretty tired... I think I'll go home now."

anyway...

Chaos space marine theme song of late: "We are the pirates who don't do anything, we like to stay at home and lay around..."

@shrike : Mork Damn it grot! That is the most outstanding answer I have ever heard You are gonna be a Boss someday!

DeadGaurd wrote:@shrike : Mork Damn it grot! That is the most outstanding answer I have ever heard You are gonna be a Boss someday!

ah, forgot that one.

Nurgle-Ahh, what a putrid, pox ridden festering day it is...
(Kitten drops out of the sky)
Nurgle- WHAT IS THAT! GET IT AWAY! Khorne! halp!
(Nurgle throws up)

continued:
nurgle gets annoyed and goes to the bunnie's homeworld, and jumps in on thier tea party.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAGH! ICKY!!!"
*Throws up*
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAGH! THROW-UP!!!"
*Throws up*
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAGH! THROW-UP ON THROW-UP!!!"
*Throws up*
ect.

*Continued, continued*
(Tzeentch raps knuckles on the table while watching nurgle)
*Sigh*
Tzeentch- Slaanesh get a chair this may be a while.
Slaanesh- Anytime Tzeentch babe.
Tzeentch-DROP IT!

"What the hell do you mean we out of ammo?" - Imperial Guard Commander after inspecting the ammo crates.

"You can't see me, because I can't see them." Night Legionary.

"Time to donate some blood!" Blood Angels.

"Knowledge is weakness and do not guard it well." Bone Hawk Librarian.

"Nannananannanannananananannanananannaannan BATMAN!"- Konrad Cruze when coming out of the shadows.

"My name is Commander Shepherd and this is my most favorite store in the Galaxy."

"So let me get this straight we are just going to stay here with missiles that auto detect any weaknesses in anything? Like this fortress? And we have a very unprotected munitions and budwiser containment room, that is a flaw in its design. That does not seem like a bad idea? What the hell mate." -Crimson Fist Techmarine.

"Brothers we shall USE STEEL RHAIN!" -Captain BS

Custodian:... Anyone ever tried simply turning the Golden Throne off and on again?

"I've found a way to kill necrons and save the emperor! Give the necrons the emperor's virus and install norton to the golden throne!"

Techpriest-"We've found a ancient disc from long before even the emperor took the throne, it is said to be able to defeat any Technology, it is marked windows Vista"

Necron: "This ancient Cybernetic Xenos machine has encountered a problem and needs to close. Would you like to send an error report?"

Space Marine: "Is anyone else embarrassed that we all turned up in the same outfit?"

White Scar Rhino Driver: "They see me rollin, they laughin', And rollin' their eyes 'cause I'm so white n' nerdy"

Space Marine: "Oompa Loompa doompadee doo!"
Squat: er

Tzeentch: "Ok, wtf just happened"

Khorne: " Live, Heal, Soothe!"

Nurgle: "Thats disgusting"

Slaanesh: "Thats a bit kinky.."

Blohd Rehvens Spess Murheen: "FOR SKITTLEES!" (Cookie to anyone who recognises the quote)

Eldar on their day off: "1,000,000 channels and nothing good on"

Well, thats my joke for 9 pages. sigh*

Magnus - "ITS A TRAAAP!"

Abbadon after his capture of a blackstone fortress

ABA DABA DOOO!!!


Eldar in the Dawn of War two games "....crap" (hellboy voice)
Eldar after slaneesh was born "....crap" (hellboy voice)

Space wolves upon finding out there is no beer left in the hold ".....crap" (hellboy voice)

OoieGoie wrote:Eldar on their day off: "1,000,000 channels and nothing good on"

Well, thats my joke for 9 pages. sigh*

Ooie Goie...look at fatty's avatar...lol...

Joke stolen from somewhere

Dante: Mephiston, you shall go alone westbound where there's more enemies to be found
Meph: But Chapter Master, isn't that too dangerous? I lost my storm shield when i die....
Dante: Do you doubt my strategic placement, need i remind you that i am the hero our primarch prophecied?
Meph: NO , I am Sorry sir i shall render judgement, *went off*
Dante: Teaches that bastard to beat me on poker nights

This has already been done on the thread

http://www.dakkadakka.com/dakkaforum/posts/list/260262.page

Generalian wrote:This has already been done on the thread

http://www.dakkadakka.com/dakkaforum/posts/list/260262.page

That thread is pretty old...

Seriously.
Don't push your own thread locked for 'nomancy.
I'm enjoying this

purplefood wrote:

Generalian wrote:This has already been done on the thread

http://www.dakkadakka.com/dakkaforum/posts/list/260262.page

That thread is pretty old...

Too late. I assumed because you'd posted it that it was still alive...

"thou shalt not post links to thou dead thread...lest MODs locketh thy thread..."

Rejected Space Wolves battlecry #434

"THUNDERWOLVES, HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

Belial84 wrote:Rejected Space Wolves battlecry #434

"THUNDERWOLVES, HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

lol

THUNDER THUNDER THUNDER THUNDER WOLVES HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!

Belial84 wrote:Rejected Space Wolves battlecry #434

"THUNDERWOLVES, HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

aah, the thundercats. How I remember them...and how I thought that guy's hair was a rip-off of wolverine's...

IG private: Uhm sir are the Space Wolves allowed to do that?
IG Sergeant: Do what?
IG private: they are marking are tanks and APCs
IG sergeant: marking them.....OH EMPEROR!

And that is how infantry only divisions are born....

Big E to Horus during the Ullanor campaign:
"I don't give a damn about the new colour of your legion! Just get down there and kill as many green-skin sons of b****es as you can!"


Vulkan's speech before his departure from his Legion:
"I have a dream that one day this Imperium will rise up and live out the true meaning of its creed: burn the xenos and the heretics.
I have a dream that all my little salamanders will one day live in an Imperium where they will not be judged by the color of their skin, but by the content of their power armour.
I have a dream that one day on the red hills of Cadia the sons of former traitors and the sons of loyalists will be able to sit down together at a table of brotherhood.
This is our hope. This is the faith that I go back to the Eye of Terror with."

The 14th Black Crusade:

"We march on Macragge! And they shall know MUCH fear!"

"So, I heard you have daddy issues..."
-- agent of Chaos to Lorgar

To help combat the forces of Nurgle, all Guardsmen are required to watch "Two Girls, One Cup"

"So, lemme get this straight: I have to help my brother Horus to destroy the Imperium in order to save mankind and the galaxy from Chaos."
"Yep."
"And I'm pretending to be the bad guy in all of this."
"Yep."
"Even though this means that all of humanity will probably die."
"Yep."
"And I'm supposed to agree with you guys.... why?"
"...we can give you cookies?"
"Prep my ship, men!"
-- the real reason Alpha and Omega turned to Chaos

"I wonder how we can piss off the Salamanders this time?"-Marines Malevolent transmission-Officer of origin:unknown

Librarian: It's great to learn, 'cause KNOWLEDGE IS POWER!

"So where do you scratch a Space Wolf to get him to kick his back leg?" Random Imperial Gaurdsman

"... and that is why masturbation is bad"
-craftworld mother

"I don't care who you are, you cannot "outflank" your rook."
- Eldrad to Creed in the intergalactic chess championship.

"What do you mean YOU PEOPLE?!" Salamander Space Marines

"This is Terra!"-Emperor of mankind just as he defeats Horus
"A tollbooth? Damnit i don't have any quarters... someone go back and get a crate of quarters!"-Abbadon's 2nd Black Crusade
"Hades hive? Well that can't be a good sign..."-Commissar Yarrick on discovering his new posting

[quote=purplefood"Hades hive? Well that can't be a good sign..."-Commissar Yarrick on discovering his new posting

"The only constants are death, taxes and skulls for the skull throne!!!"-Kharn the philosopher


Automatically Appended Next Post:

Battle Brother Lucifer wrote:

CapnThyrus wrote:"Don't worry, the Great Crusades are being led by my army of impervious battle hardened, genetically modified and fiercely prideful and ego centric Space Marine Legions...what could go wrong?" -The Emprah!

The Year 40.000 where nothing can go wraong.

This is either an intentional mistake and thereore galaxy winning irony or such an epic fail the universe may now implode...

"Damn wheres the Raven Guard when you need them!"

"Throw the Plasma gun! It will go big boom " -Inquisitorial Soldier

"I FREAKING LOVE KITTENS!!"

-Extract from Primarch Angrons private reconding log-

"We're loud and proud!!"
Eldar march shortly before the Warp was created.

Slaanesh: Hi there, beutiful... Don't you think you've been trapped here too long?
Isha: EEEE!
Nurgle: Oy! Whatcha doing in my garden, pervert? And get away from my cute companion!
Slaanesh: Hah! Don't you know she's been cheating on you for years? She's been telling the eldar about your diseases all the time! Not that I care, of course... Eldar taste much better when fresh!
Isha: Oh sh*t....

There's a little paper clip that appears in the corner of a Space Marine's HUD, saying 'It looks like you are disemboweling someone with a Chainsword, would you like help with that?'

"Yes, though I drive through the Valley fo the Shadow of the Warp, I shall fear no evil. For I and my ten thousand companions are driving house sized masses of FETH YOU."
~23rd Lubyan Tanks Regiment Motto

"let's be friends"
"Why are we fighting?"
"


Automatically Appended Next Post:
"My tank is too big"
"My gun is too big."

Saintspirit wrote:Slaanesh: Hi there, beutiful... Don't you think you've been trapped here too long?
Isha: EEEE!
Nurgle: Oy! Whatcha doing in my garden, pervert? And get away from my cute companion!
Slaanesh: Hah! Don't you know she's been cheating on you for years? She's been telling the eldar about your diseases all the time! Not that I care, of course... Eldar taste much better when fresh!
Isha: Oh sh*t....

Nurgle: What, how could you? I slave over this stove all day, and this is how you treat me!

Abbon *singing* "I see a red door and I want it Painted Black!"