Massive props for everyone getting into the spirit and showing only the barest modicum, if, in a dark room, and you have a proper squint, and you’ve forgotten your corrective lenses of any description, good humour!
There's only ten types of people in this world; those who understand binary code and those that don't
Heh. . . funnily enough, I went to a follow-on school for my Occupational Specialty (aka, my job) in the army where our class had course shirts made with that quote on it
Saw a pirate the other day with a ships steering wheel stuffed down the front of his trousers. Asked him 'do you know you have a wheel down the front of your trousers?' He said 'Arrr, its driving me nuts'
Mad Doc Grotsnik wrote: And everyone knows the only good thing to have come out of Glasgow is the road to Edinburgh.
In all seriousness, my two favourite comedians (Frankie Boyle and the Big Yin), my favourite Dr Who (Peter Capaldi), and my mother were all born in Glasgow. But really, the best thing about Glasgow is that after WWIII and the inevitable nuclear armageddon, it will look exactly the same as it does now.
I got a birthday card recently and a Yorkshire pudding fell out. It was from my Aunt Bessie.
I went to a zoo the other day and it only had a small dog. It was a Shih-tzu.
I went into a pet shop and asked if I could buy a goldfish. The bloke asked if I wanted an aquarium. I said I don’t care what star sign it is.
I went to the local video shop and said could I borrow Batman Forever? He said, no you have to bring it back tomorrow.
I went in the shop and said can someone sell me a kettle. The bloke said Kenwood. I said where’s he then?
I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener, I said you don’t need a tin opener for a banana he said no this is for fething custard.
I burnt my Hawaiian pizza last night. I must use a lower setting.
A guy walks into a bar and finds a horse serving the drinks. The horse asks what are you staring at? Haven’t you ever seen a horse tending a bar before? The fella says it’s not that, I just never thought the parrot would’ve sold the place
It turns out if you bang two halves of a horse together it doesn’t make the sound of a coconut
I got into a fight one time with a really big bloke and he said I’m going to mop the floor with your face. I said you’ll be sorry. He said oh yeah why? I said well you won’t be able to get into the corners very well
My arse was really sore after a curry. My wife said ring sting. I said why what will he be able to do?
I said to the doctor people keep taking the mick out of me because I think I’m a cricket ball. The doctor says how’s that? I said don’t you fething start.
Robin says to Batman the Batmobile won’t start. Batman says well check the battery. Robin says what’s a Terry?
I was in the cemetery and I saw a guy get up from behind a grave stone. Morning I said. No I’m just having a gak mate
What has 4 wheels and flies? A bin lorry
I bumped into an old mate and asked him what he was up to. He said I prepare meals for homeless, addicts and drunks. I said is it charity work? He said no It's Wetherspoons.
I’ve been told crocodiles can grow up to 15 feet but I’ve never seen one with more than four.
I just interviewed a bloke for a job. “Can you perform under pressure?” I asked. No he replied. But I do a great Bohemian Rhapsody.
If you liked those, Google “Viz Crap Jokes”. There are many.
Not sure you can get physical Viz in America land but Viz is without a doubt one of the greatest things Britain has ever produced (not that there's any bias that it's from Newcastle or out )
can i just say, i must echo the mad docs comment. I'm really impressed by everyone's commitment to telling all those truly awful jokes they normally tell to their 7 year old cousins.
and in that sprit:
A truckload of wigs has been stolen, police are combing the area.
master thief taunts police by stealing their toilets, police have nothing to go on.
I once served a prison sentence because I got caught up in a big police operation against the Mafia. I pleaded my innocence because I said I was just their archivist. The judge said I was the worst of all, I was involved in some very organised crime.
I met a Dutch girl at a bar last week, she was bouncing around on inflatable shoes. I rang her up to ask her out on a date yesterday but she had popped her clogs.
So, a lady went to a pet shop hoping to buy a new pet bird. She found a parrot in a cage near the back of the store with a price tag of only $50. She thought this seemed pretty low for a parrot, so she asked the shopkeeper about it. He told her that the low price was because it had previously been living in a whorehouse and said a lot of dirty things. The lady just said "Okay, I guess I can teach it to say nice things" and went ahead and bought the bird. She took it home and set up its cage in the living room. The parrot looked around and said, "New house, new madam." A little while later, the lady's two daughters came home from school. They came into the room and the bird said, "New house, new madam, new whores." Later in the evening, the lady's trucker husband came home and entered the room. The bird looked at him and said, "New house, new madam, new whores, same clients. Hi, Joe!"
OK, long joke, my personal favourite, and spoilered for length and mild profanity. probably Not a grade F joke, but worth a laugh
Spoiler:
OK, so, its late 1991, end of 1st Gulf War. 500,000 British and American soldiers are sat in camps in Kuwait, victoriously kicking their heels and waiting for the air force to arrange transport home. People are bored, and bored soldiers are dangerous.
On one camp, their are both British and American forces. The Americans a led by a general who is a walking stereotype of a Texan: cowboy hat, spurs on his boots, cigar clamped in his mouth, southern drawl, and a vehement hatred of "those damm limeys" for reasons he cannot properly articulate.
One day, he goes to his British counterpart, a fairly soft spoken and reserved general, and says "You damm limeys are always on about how brave you are! Well, today, imma show you guys some real AMERICAN bravery!" He then turns to the US Marine acting as his bodyguard
"SARGENT!" The American general screams, causing the British general to take a step back, and the Marine snaps to attention.
"SIR,YESSIR!"
"I WANT TO CLIMB THAT RADIO TOWER!" The general says, still at maximum volume, pointing to a nearby tower.
"SIR,YESSIR!"
"THEN JUMP OFF, AND LAND ON YOUR HEAD, UNDERSTAND?!" The American general asks
"SIR,YESSIR!"
"THEN DO IT NOW!" the American general screeches, and with a final "SIR,YESSIR!", the American Marine jogs off, and indeed climbs the tower, gets to the top, and jumps off. The Marine breaks almost every bone in his body, and as he is carried past the two generals in a strecher, tries to salute with his broken arm and manages to wheeze a laboured "sir".
The American general looks at the British general triumphantly, and exclaims "Now, THAT is bravery, general!"
The British general nods in a noncommital way. "yes, indeed....." then he turns to the Royal Marine Commando that was his own bodyguard, and ask in his smooth Etonian accent "Corporal?"
The Royal Marine looks at the general, "Sah?"
"be a jolly good fellow, run up that tower and jump off, will you?" the British General asks.
The Royal Marine looks at the tower,
then at the floor,
then back up at the tower,
then back to the general, and says "Bollocks to that, Sah!"
Without missing a beat, the British general turns back to his American counterpart and says "THAT'S bravery, general"
A neutron walks into a bar that is being tended by a proton. The neutron asks, "How much for a drink?" The proton replies, "For you, no charge." The neutron then asks, "Are you sure?" and the proton replies, "I'm positive."
ZergSmasher wrote: A neutron walks into a bar that is being tended by a proton. The neutron asks, "How much for a drink?" The proton replies, "For you, no charge." The neutron then asks, "Are you sure?" and the proton replies, "I'm positive."
I’ve heard a similar joke.
One atom says to another “I think I lost an electron”.
“Are you sure?” Replies the other.
“I’m positive”
Was thinking of adding a joke from the late 70's era of misogyny, then thought better of it. damn i wish i wasnt so old
Automatically Appended Next Post: Was thinking of adding a joke from the late 70's era of misogyny, then thought better of it. damn i wish i wasnt so old
Thank you for your discretion. I too am of an undisclosed vintage, so would probably have laughed, however guiltily/ironically. But best keep those potential flood gates closed
A rabbit walks into a pub and says to the barman, 'Can I have a pint of beer, and a Ham and Cheese Toastie?'
The barman is amazed, but gives the rabbit a pint of beer and a ham and cheese toastie.
The rabbit drinks the beer and eats the toastie. He then leaves.
The following night the rabbit returns and again asks for a pint of beer, and a Ham and Cheese Toastie.
The barman, now intrigued by the rabbit and the extra drinkers in the pub, (because word gets round), gives the rabbit the pint and the Toastie. The rabbit consumes them and leaves.
The next night, the pub is packed.
In walks the rabbit and says, 'A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman.'
The crowd is hushed as the barman gives the rabbit his pint and toastie, and then burst into applause as the rabbit wolfs them down.
The next night there is standing room only in the pub.
Coaches have been laid on for the crowds of patrons attending.
The barman is making more money in one week than he did all last year
In walks the rabbit and says, 'A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman.'
The barman says, 'I'm sorry rabbit, old mate, old mucker, but we are right out of them Ham and Cheese Toasties.'
The rabbit looks aghast.
The crowd has quietened to almost a whisper, when the barman clears his throat nervously and says, 'We do have a very nice Cheese and Onion Toastie.
The rabbit looks him in the eye and says, 'Are you sure I will like it.'
The crowd's bated breath is ear shatteringly silent.
The barman, with a roguish smile says, 'Do you think that I would let down one of my best friends. I know you'll love it.'
'Ok,' says the rabbit, 'I'll have a pint of beer and a Cheese and Onion Toastie.'
The pub erupts with glee as the rabbit quaffs the beer and guzzles the toastie.
He then waves to the crowd and leaves....
NEVER TO RETURN!!!!!!
One year later, in the now impoverished public house, the barman, (who has only served 4 drinks tonight, 3 of which were his), calls time.
When he is cleaning down the now empty bar, he sees a small white form, floating above the bar.
The barman says, 'Who are you?
To which he is answered, 'I am the ghost of the rabbit that used to frequent your public house.'
The barman says, 'I remember you. You made me famous.
You would come in every night and have a pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie. Masses came to see you and this place was famous.'
The rabbit says, 'Yes I know.'
The barman said, 'I remember, on your last night we didn't have any Ham and Cheese Toasties. You had a Cheese and Onion one instead.'
The rabbit said, 'Yes, you promised me that I would love it.'
The barman said, 'You never came back, what happened?'
Automatically Appended Next Post: There was once a very posh seafood restaurant. You know the type: where you select your own dinner fresh out of the tank. Dinner jackets a must, no trainers… that sort of place. Anyway, the head waiter was a man called Gervais and he was very good at his job, helping customers get over the faint ickiness of picking which innocent creature was to be taken to the slaughter. He could blank out the horror of it all, you see.
So one day, they have squid as the daily special and a couple comes to the restaurant to celebrate their anniversary. They decide to go for the squid option and Gervais takes them over the tank to select their squid. The couple check out the contents of the squid tank and right at the back, they see a faintly green coloured little squid. It’s very shy, hiding behind its little squid house, but when the light falls on it right, it has a little black marking across the top of its beak, making it look like it has a little moustache.
It’s adorable. Just… adorable. And Gervais does something he’s never done before. His heart softens towards the little creature. He hopes the couple don’t pick it.
Which of course they do.
So after a few attempts at catching the little squid, Gervais realises that he can’t. He just can’t. It’s too cute. But the couple are insistent and start to get annoyed that they aren’t getting what they want (I told you it was that sort of place). In despair, Gervais rushes into the kitchen to find his friend Hans, whose primary job is washing the pots. He begs and pleads with the other man to come out and help him and Hans, who is a big, strong sort of chap, agrees. He comes out to the restaurant, squid-catching net at hand only to be thwarted by taking one look at the little chap in the tank.
And it goes to show that Hans that does dishes can be soft as Gervais with a mild green hairy lip squid.
Mate says to him - 'want to see something cool'. He agrees and the mate takes out a box, removes a small piano and from his pocket takes out a tiny man who sits at the small piano and plays music.
My guy is gobsmacked and the mate explains: 'I got a magic lamp- want to try'?
My guy agrees, takes the lamp, rubs it and a genie appears and offers him a wish. A bit in shock he says - 'I'd like a million bucks!'
Genie says 'done!' clicks his fingers and disappears in a poof of smoke and with that, a horde of ducks walk into the bar.
'What the hell is this?!' exclaims my guy. Mate turns to him smiling - 'yeah I forgot to tell you- the genie is old and deaf. Do you think I really asked for a nine inch pianist?'
And it goes to show that Hans that does dishes can be soft as Gervais with a mild green hairy lip squid.
For all you foreign dakkanauts - for years, the tag line of Fairy washing-up liquid adverts was "hands that do dishes can be soft as your face, with mild green Fairy liquid"
It's burned into the memories of Brits of a certain age...
Mad Doc Grotsnik wrote: There was once a very posh seafood restaurant. You know the type: where you select your own dinner fresh out of the tank. Dinner jackets a must, no trainers… that sort of place. Anyway, the head waiter was a man called Gervais and he was very good at his job, helping customers get over the faint ickiness of picking which innocent creature was to be taken to the slaughter. He could blank out the horror of it all, you see.
I'm sorry, Doc - claiming that someone with Gervais in their name could be very good at their job took me right out of the joke, even if the name was needed for the punchline.
Once upon a time, a ship was crossing the Atlantic from the U.K. to the USA, when during freak weather conditions saw its hull embedded in ice.
The Captain and Crew were resigned. This shouldn’t have happened. Nobody had packed suitable clothing.
One the second night, a series of tiny, rhythmic clinks and clanks could be heard. First from a single source, rising to a clamour. Bemused, the Cabin Boy looked over the side, and beheld tiny humanoids on the ice, swing tiny picks and rapidly extricating the ship from the ice. Within only an hour or two, the ship broke free.
The tiny humanoids clambered on deck to properly introduce themselves as the Basques, from Greenland.
Stunned, the Captain asked however he could repay their immense kindness. The Basques chieftain asked if they could come with the Ship, as bored of their homeland they wanted to see more of the world. Their entire tribe had been trying to walk it, when they found the ship in its predicament.
Readily agreeing, on they sailed, eventually making safe harbour in New York.
Needless to say, the few dozen tiny, 6” humanoids caused quite the stir. Sensing an opportunity, the Captain soon, with the Basque’s full agreement, arranged a nationwide tour. The good folk of the USA could meet this remarkable species, and the remarkable species could see ever more of the world.
Business was great, and all involved became wealthy, able to stay in top flight hotels. This was greatly pleasing to the Basques, as they’d discovered an innate love of revolving doors. There was something about the heft and the spin they just couldn’t get enough of. They could regularly be seen push push pushing ever faster, those who’s turn it was to ride howling with glee, egging those who’s turn it was to push to greater speeds.
Eventually, the tour came to Texas. The Lonestar State, where everything is said to be bigger and better, especially if the person saying it is a Texan.
Their hotel in Dallas was absolutely top notch. And best of all, had The World’s Biggest Revolving Door. The Basques couldn’t resist. For once, everyone could get involved, as whilst only small, they previously still had to take turns. As so they indulged. Oh how they indulged! Their indulgence became an attraction unto itself, bringing visitors to the hotel to see the Basques play, which somewhat offset the discomfort of the hotel staff, who softly resented the ongoing draught caused by the revolving door’s frenetic and near constant pace.
Sadly….not all humans are good humans. Disaster struck when a Studio Bigwig, determined to get the Tiny Basques on the Big Screen could wait no longer to discuss it with them once they’d finished riding the revolving door.
His tiny mind saw fit to jam his walking stick in the door to stop it spinning….not giving a thought to conservation of momentum.
Needless to say…it was messy. Tiny, 6” high humanoids went crashing through the glass as their ride abruptly halted. Some were turned to smears of gory paste when they hit walls, others were buttered up the carpet.
None survived. And so the heroic species of 6” high humanoids departed this world.
The moral of the story? Never put all your Basques in One Exit.
And it goes to show that Hans that does dishes can be soft as Gervais with a mild green hairy lip squid.
For all you foreign dakkanauts - for years, the tag line of Fairy washing-up liquid adverts was "hands that do dishes can be soft as your face, with mild green Fairy liquid"
It's burned into the memories of Brits of a certain age...
Thanks for that, I figured it had to be a British thing. The punch line from the rabbit joke must be like that too; it went over my head.
And it goes to show that Hans that does dishes can be soft as Gervais with a mild green hairy lip squid.
For all you foreign dakkanauts - for years, the tag line of Fairy washing-up liquid adverts was "hands that do dishes can be soft as your face, with mild green Fairy liquid"
It's burned into the memories of Brits of a certain age...
Thanks for that, I figured it had to be a British thing. The punch line from the rabbit joke must be like that too; it went over my head.
Damn I got as far as "hands that do dishes.." and the green stuff rang a bell.
Over here we had a seemingly similar annoying ad with two housewives (of course) talking about the dish washer they use (most common thing to talk about betwwen housewives of course) and one of them is explaining how good the new "Palmolive" dish washer is for your hands. The other housewive is not impressed and sceptical, until she is reminded by the other that she "actually, your just bathing your hands in it! "
PS: I just found out it was a thing internationally, "You're soaking in it"
Over here we had a seemingly similar annoying ad with two housewives (of course) talking about the dish washer they use (most common thing to talk about betwwen housewives of course)
Damn I got as far as "hands that do dishes.." and the green stuff rang a bell.
Over here we had a seemingly similar annoying ad with two housewives (of course) talking about the dish washer they use (most common thing to talk about betwwen housewives of course) and one of them is explaining how good the new "Palmolive" dish washer is for your hands. The other housewive is not impressed and sceptical, until she is reminded by the other that she "actually, your just bathing your hands in it! "
PS: I just found out it was a thing internationally, "You're soaking in it"
Good ol' Madge, helping with skin softness since the late 70's/early 80's
Two cannibals are deciding how to divide up a body that they want to eat. They agree to each start at one end and work their way toward the middle, so with that settled they start eating. A little while later, the cannibal at the head end asks the other one, "How're you doing over there?" The other one enthusiastically answers, "I'm havin' a ball!" to which the first cannibal says, "Slow down! You're way ahead of me!"
This one is shamelessly stolen from novelist David Quantick's Twitter account:
I met Mick Jagger once at a party and he wouldn't talk to anyone unless they had a packet of peas in their hand. I asked him why and he said, "Peas allow me to introduce myself."
Duskweaver wrote: Did you know pease pudding was originally a Roman dish?
They created a dessert and called it peas.
Oh no, my ignorance is showing, as this one went straight over my head.
its a quote traditionally attributed to a scotish warlord (ok, pictish, in the area of what is now scotland) talking to his troops before a battle in which most die.
"(the romans are) Robbers of the world, having by their universal plunder exhausted the land, they rifle the deep. If the enemy be rich, they are rapacious; if he be poor, they lust for dominion; neither the east nor the west has been able to satisfy them.
Alone among men they covet with equal eagerness poverty and riches. To robbery, slaughter, plunder, they give the lying name of empire; they make a Desert, and call it peace"
as far we know, this is something made up by the romans themselves, but its still a killer line....and the basis of that pun.
Duskweaver wrote: Did you know pease pudding was originally a Roman dish?
They created a dessert and called it peas.
Oh no, my ignorance is showing, as this one went straight over my head.
its a quote traditionally attributed to a scotish warlord (ok, pictish, in the area of what is now scotland) talking to his troops before a battle in which most die.
"(the romans are) Robbers of the world, having by their universal plunder exhausted the land, they rifle the deep. If the enemy be rich, they are rapacious; if he be poor, they lust for dominion; neither the east nor the west has been able to satisfy them.
Alone among men they covet with equal eagerness poverty and riches. To robbery, slaughter, plunder, they give the lying name of empire; they make a Desert, and call it peace"
as far we know, this is something made up by the romans themselves, but its still a killer line....and the basis of that pun.
Calgacus from Tacitus' Argicola, technically not Pictish either. The Picts are an amalgamation of tribes that formed in 6th - 7th century AD, which is 500 - 600 years later than the campaign described in his writing. Calgacus is merely a Briton from one of the northern tribes (Caledonii). It is almost 100% bollocks and made up, but it's a damn good line all the same. And therefore an even better joke.
Do you want a genuine Roman joke from Macrobius' Saturnalia?
A provincial man arrives in Rome. As he walked the streets, he drew the eyes of the entire city, being a real double of the emperor Augustus.
The emperor, having brought him to the palace, looks him up and down and says "Tell me, young man, did your mother come to Rome anytime?"
The provincial replies, "She was never blessed with coming to this great city. But my father frequently enjoyed visiting."
PS: @xerxes, I was hopefully going for helpful addition and not know it all prick with this reply