Forum adverts like this one are shown to any user who is not logged in. Join us by filling out a tiny 3 field form and you will get your own, free, dakka user account which gives a good range of benefits to you:
No adverts like this in the forums anymore.
Times and dates in your local timezone.
Full tracking of what you have read so you can skip to your first unread post, easily see what has changed since you last logged in, and easily see what is new at a glance.
Email notifications for threads you want to watch closely.
Being a part of the oldest wargaming community on the net.
If you are already a member then feel free to login now.
So, a lady went to a pet shop hoping to buy a new pet bird. She found a parrot in a cage near the back of the store with a price tag of only $50. She thought this seemed pretty low for a parrot, so she asked the shopkeeper about it. He told her that the low price was because it had previously been living in a whorehouse and said a lot of dirty things. The lady just said "Okay, I guess I can teach it to say nice things" and went ahead and bought the bird. She took it home and set up its cage in the living room. The parrot looked around and said, "New house, new madam." A little while later, the lady's two daughters came home from school. They came into the room and the bird said, "New house, new madam, new whores." Later in the evening, the lady's trucker husband came home and entered the room. The bird looked at him and said, "New house, new madam, new whores, same clients. Hi, Joe!"
My armies (re-counted and updated on 11/1/23, including modeled wargear options):
Dark Angels: ~15000 Astra Militarum: ~1200 | Adeptus Custodes: ~1900 | Imperial Knights: ~2000 | Sisters of Battle: ~3500 | Leagues of Votann: ~1200 | Tyranids: ~2600 | Stormcast Eternals: ~5000
Check out my P&M Blogs: ZergSmasher's P&M Blog | Imperial Knights blog | Board Games blog | Total models painted in 2023: 40 | Total models painted in 2024: 12 | Current main painting project: Dark Angels
Mr_Rose wrote: Who doesn’t love crazy mutant squawk-puppies? Eh? Nobody, that’s who.
OK, long joke, my personal favourite, and spoilered for length and mild profanity. probably Not a grade F joke, but worth a laugh
Spoiler:
OK, so, its late 1991, end of 1st Gulf War. 500,000 British and American soldiers are sat in camps in Kuwait, victoriously kicking their heels and waiting for the air force to arrange transport home. People are bored, and bored soldiers are dangerous.
On one camp, their are both British and American forces. The Americans a led by a general who is a walking stereotype of a Texan: cowboy hat, spurs on his boots, cigar clamped in his mouth, southern drawl, and a vehement hatred of "those damm limeys" for reasons he cannot properly articulate.
One day, he goes to his British counterpart, a fairly soft spoken and reserved general, and says "You damm limeys are always on about how brave you are! Well, today, imma show you guys some real AMERICAN bravery!" He then turns to the US Marine acting as his bodyguard
"SARGENT!" The American general screams, causing the British general to take a step back, and the Marine snaps to attention.
"SIR,YESSIR!"
"I WANT TO CLIMB THAT RADIO TOWER!" The general says, still at maximum volume, pointing to a nearby tower.
"SIR,YESSIR!"
"THEN JUMP OFF, AND LAND ON YOUR HEAD, UNDERSTAND?!" The American general asks
"SIR,YESSIR!"
"THEN DO IT NOW!" the American general screeches, and with a final "SIR,YESSIR!", the American Marine jogs off, and indeed climbs the tower, gets to the top, and jumps off. The Marine breaks almost every bone in his body, and as he is carried past the two generals in a strecher, tries to salute with his broken arm and manages to wheeze a laboured "sir".
The American general looks at the British general triumphantly, and exclaims "Now, THAT is bravery, general!"
The British general nods in a noncommital way. "yes, indeed....." then he turns to the Royal Marine Commando that was his own bodyguard, and ask in his smooth Etonian accent "Corporal?"
The Royal Marine looks at the general, "Sah?"
"be a jolly good fellow, run up that tower and jump off, will you?" the British General asks.
The Royal Marine looks at the tower,
then at the floor,
then back up at the tower,
then back to the general, and says "Bollocks to that, Sah!"
Without missing a beat, the British general turns back to his American counterpart and says "THAT'S bravery, general"
To be a man in such times is to be one amongst untold billions. It is to live in the cruelest and most bloody regime imaginable. These are the tales of those times. Forget the power of technology and science, for so much has been forgotten, never to be relearned. Forget the promise of progress and understanding, for in the grim dark future there is only war. There is no peace amongst the stars, only an eternity of carnage and slaughter, and the laughter of thirsting gods.
Coven of XVth 2000pts
The Blades of Ruin 2,000pts Watch Company Rho 1650pts
A neutron walks into a bar that is being tended by a proton. The neutron asks, "How much for a drink?" The proton replies, "For you, no charge." The neutron then asks, "Are you sure?" and the proton replies, "I'm positive."
My armies (re-counted and updated on 11/1/23, including modeled wargear options):
Dark Angels: ~15000 Astra Militarum: ~1200 | Adeptus Custodes: ~1900 | Imperial Knights: ~2000 | Sisters of Battle: ~3500 | Leagues of Votann: ~1200 | Tyranids: ~2600 | Stormcast Eternals: ~5000
Check out my P&M Blogs: ZergSmasher's P&M Blog | Imperial Knights blog | Board Games blog | Total models painted in 2023: 40 | Total models painted in 2024: 12 | Current main painting project: Dark Angels
Mr_Rose wrote: Who doesn’t love crazy mutant squawk-puppies? Eh? Nobody, that’s who.
ZergSmasher wrote: A neutron walks into a bar that is being tended by a proton. The neutron asks, "How much for a drink?" The proton replies, "For you, no charge." The neutron then asks, "Are you sure?" and the proton replies, "I'm positive."
I’ve heard a similar joke.
One atom says to another “I think I lost an electron”.
“Are you sure?” Replies the other.
“I’m positive”
Was thinking of adding a joke from the late 70's era of misogyny, then thought better of it. damn i wish i wasnt so old
Automatically Appended Next Post: Was thinking of adding a joke from the late 70's era of misogyny, then thought better of it. damn i wish i wasnt so old
This message was edited 1 time. Last update was at 2022/05/10 17:44:06
Thank you for your discretion. I too am of an undisclosed vintage, so would probably have laughed, however guiltily/ironically. But best keep those potential flood gates closed
Fed up of Scalpers? But still want your Exclusives? Why not join us?
A rabbit walks into a pub and says to the barman, 'Can I have a pint of beer, and a Ham and Cheese Toastie?'
The barman is amazed, but gives the rabbit a pint of beer and a ham and cheese toastie.
The rabbit drinks the beer and eats the toastie. He then leaves.
The following night the rabbit returns and again asks for a pint of beer, and a Ham and Cheese Toastie.
The barman, now intrigued by the rabbit and the extra drinkers in the pub, (because word gets round), gives the rabbit the pint and the Toastie. The rabbit consumes them and leaves.
The next night, the pub is packed.
In walks the rabbit and says, 'A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman.'
The crowd is hushed as the barman gives the rabbit his pint and toastie, and then burst into applause as the rabbit wolfs them down.
The next night there is standing room only in the pub.
Coaches have been laid on for the crowds of patrons attending.
The barman is making more money in one week than he did all last year
In walks the rabbit and says, 'A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman.'
The barman says, 'I'm sorry rabbit, old mate, old mucker, but we are right out of them Ham and Cheese Toasties.'
The rabbit looks aghast.
The crowd has quietened to almost a whisper, when the barman clears his throat nervously and says, 'We do have a very nice Cheese and Onion Toastie.
The rabbit looks him in the eye and says, 'Are you sure I will like it.'
The crowd's bated breath is ear shatteringly silent.
The barman, with a roguish smile says, 'Do you think that I would let down one of my best friends. I know you'll love it.'
'Ok,' says the rabbit, 'I'll have a pint of beer and a Cheese and Onion Toastie.'
The pub erupts with glee as the rabbit quaffs the beer and guzzles the toastie.
He then waves to the crowd and leaves....
NEVER TO RETURN!!!!!!
One year later, in the now impoverished public house, the barman, (who has only served 4 drinks tonight, 3 of which were his), calls time.
When he is cleaning down the now empty bar, he sees a small white form, floating above the bar.
The barman says, 'Who are you?
To which he is answered, 'I am the ghost of the rabbit that used to frequent your public house.'
The barman says, 'I remember you. You made me famous.
You would come in every night and have a pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie. Masses came to see you and this place was famous.'
The rabbit says, 'Yes I know.'
The barman said, 'I remember, on your last night we didn't have any Ham and Cheese Toasties. You had a Cheese and Onion one instead.'
The rabbit said, 'Yes, you promised me that I would love it.'
The barman said, 'You never came back, what happened?'
Automatically Appended Next Post: There was once a very posh seafood restaurant. You know the type: where you select your own dinner fresh out of the tank. Dinner jackets a must, no trainers… that sort of place. Anyway, the head waiter was a man called Gervais and he was very good at his job, helping customers get over the faint ickiness of picking which innocent creature was to be taken to the slaughter. He could blank out the horror of it all, you see.
So one day, they have squid as the daily special and a couple comes to the restaurant to celebrate their anniversary. They decide to go for the squid option and Gervais takes them over the tank to select their squid. The couple check out the contents of the squid tank and right at the back, they see a faintly green coloured little squid. It’s very shy, hiding behind its little squid house, but when the light falls on it right, it has a little black marking across the top of its beak, making it look like it has a little moustache.
It’s adorable. Just… adorable. And Gervais does something he’s never done before. His heart softens towards the little creature. He hopes the couple don’t pick it.
Which of course they do.
So after a few attempts at catching the little squid, Gervais realises that he can’t. He just can’t. It’s too cute. But the couple are insistent and start to get annoyed that they aren’t getting what they want (I told you it was that sort of place). In despair, Gervais rushes into the kitchen to find his friend Hans, whose primary job is washing the pots. He begs and pleads with the other man to come out and help him and Hans, who is a big, strong sort of chap, agrees. He comes out to the restaurant, squid-catching net at hand only to be thwarted by taking one look at the little chap in the tank.
And it goes to show that Hans that does dishes can be soft as Gervais with a mild green hairy lip squid.
This message was edited 1 time. Last update was at 2022/05/11 07:25:47
Fed up of Scalpers? But still want your Exclusives? Why not join us?
Mate says to him - 'want to see something cool'. He agrees and the mate takes out a box, removes a small piano and from his pocket takes out a tiny man who sits at the small piano and plays music.
My guy is gobsmacked and the mate explains: 'I got a magic lamp- want to try'?
My guy agrees, takes the lamp, rubs it and a genie appears and offers him a wish. A bit in shock he says - 'I'd like a million bucks!'
Genie says 'done!' clicks his fingers and disappears in a poof of smoke and with that, a horde of ducks walk into the bar.
'What the hell is this?!' exclaims my guy. Mate turns to him smiling - 'yeah I forgot to tell you- the genie is old and deaf. Do you think I really asked for a nine inch pianist?'
:p
greatest band in the universe: machine supremacy
"Punch your fist in the air and hold your Gameboy aloft like the warrior you are"
And it goes to show that Hans that does dishes can be soft as Gervais with a mild green hairy lip squid.
For all you foreign dakkanauts - for years, the tag line of Fairy washing-up liquid adverts was "hands that do dishes can be soft as your face, with mild green Fairy liquid"
It's burned into the memories of Brits of a certain age...
~15000 Astra Militarum: 
~1200 | Adeptus Custodes: 
~1900 | Imperial Knights: 
~2000 | Sisters of Battle: 
~3500 | Leagues of Votann: 
~1200 | Tyranids: 
~2600 | Stormcast Eternals: 
Coven of XVth 2000pts
The Blades of Ruin 2,000pts 
Watch Company Rho 1650pts
Ultramarines, 3rd Co. and friends, 16k+ 
4k 
Competition Index
