Forum adverts like this one are shown to any user who is not logged in. Join us by filling out a tiny 3 field form and you will get your own, free, dakka user account which gives a good range of benefits to you: No adverts like this in the forums anymore. Times and dates in your local timezone. Full tracking of what you have read so you can skip to your first unread post, easily see what has changed since you last logged in, and easily see what is new at a glance. Email notifications for threads you want to watch closely. Being a part of the oldest wargaming community on the net. If you are already a member then feel free to login now.

Did you hear about the Mexican murderer that ran a man over with a train?

Police say he had a strong loco motive.

How many Germans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
One, because they are efficient and have no sense of humour.

How many French people does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
At least three. Though how they all fit in there is the real mystery.

Did you hear about the man who smashed up the kitchen at the Chinese restaurant?

Police say they have never seen such wonton destruction before.

The doctor told me I was going deaf.

That news was hard for me to hear.



**************************************

Did you hear the optometrist that fell into the lens maker?

He made a real spectacle of himself.

can i just say, i must echo the mad docs comment. I'm really impressed by everyone's commitment to telling all those truly awful jokes they normally tell to their 7 year old cousins.

and in that sprit:


A truckload of wigs has been stolen, police are combing the area.


master thief taunts police by stealing their toilets, police have nothing to go on.

I once served a prison sentence because I got caught up in a big police operation against the Mafia. I pleaded my innocence because I said I was just their archivist. The judge said I was the worst of all, I was involved in some very organised crime.

A hole has been drilled through the fence of the local nudist camp. The police are looking into it.

My mate qualified as an archaeologist.

Now his life is in ruins.

 Mad Doc Grotsnik wrote:
My mate qualified as an archaeologist.
Now his life is in ruins.

Should have told him to stop digging...

He dug that hole himself.

Trust me on this, you take a career in archaeology and you'll just get boned.

 Mad Doc Grotsnik wrote:
My mate qualified as an archaeologist.

Probably on his last Sherd of dignity.

 Olthannon wrote:
Trust me on this, you take a career in archaeology and you'll just get boned.[/quote

That's paleontology isn't it?]

Doctor: "Sir, you need to quit masturbating."
Patient: "Why?"
Doctor: "Because I'm trying to examine you!"

The Gingerbread Man went to the Doctor with a sore knee.

The doctor asked if he’d tried icing it.

Now I want gingerbread.

xerxeskingofking wrote:

 Olthannon wrote:
Trust me on this, you take a career in archaeology and you'll just get boned.

That's paleontology isn't it?

If it's still bones, it's archaeology or archaeozoology. If it's stone, then palaeontology.

Two sausages are in a pan. One says to the other "phew, it's hot in here!".

The other says "holy crap! A talking sausage!"

Why does a giraffe have a long neck?

Because its head and shoulders are a long way apart.

I went to an Indian restaurant the other day. A Taste of the Raj.

A public schoolboy hit me with a stick and made me build an elaborate railway.

A Spanish magician was doing a disappearing trick.

Uno, Dos, *poof*.

His disappeared without a Tres.

My eyes will never forgive you for that joke! (nice one )

You might say arson.

I call it…….crime brûlée

Yes I will be doing that as a Cross Stitch.

Why can't Dinosaurs sing.

Because they're all dead.

When is the best time to go to the dentist?

Tooth Hurty. (230)

Why did the English cat beat the French cat in a swimming race?

Because the Un, Duex, Trois, Quatre, Cinq.

 RedMesa2391 wrote:
Why did the English cat beat the French cat in a swimming race?

Because the Un, Duex, Trois, Quatre, Cinq.

I’m sorry to by that guy of my thread?

But I don’t, because I’m almost certainly being thick, get it?

Save yourself and PM me the explanation. Because I can sort of ish understand French. But this one is going right over my head.

I GET IT IT'S BECAUSE THE FRENCH CAT CANT COUNT?

FezzikDaBullgryn wrote:
I GET IT IT'S BECAUSE THE FRENCH CAT CANT COUNT?

Un, Duex, Trois, Quatre, Cinq

the, something, something, cat, sank!

It's 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 in french?

No sexist jokes, please.

(Edited by Kilkrazy)

A stoner, a Jedi, and a paramedic walk into a bar.
Blunt Force Trauma.