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Made in us
Courageous Space Marine Captain





SoCal

I submitted ten puns to the pun contest, hoping at least one would win. Sadly, no pun in ten did.

   
Made in us
[DCM]
DCM User





Ohh, saw this one on the ol' FB. . . .

A priest, a minister, and a rabbit walk into a bar. the rabbit says, "I think I'm a typo".
   
Made in gb
Aspirant Tech-Adept





Northumberland

*Knock knock*
Who's there?
Doctor.
Doctor who?
That's right, now where's my Tardis?

One and a half feet in the hobby


My Adeptus Mechanicus Painting Log:
# The Explorator Fleet of Labrunnia IX #

 
   
Made in gb
Ridin' on a Snotling Pump Wagon






Doctor, Doctor. I can’t feel my legs.

That’s because we amputated your arms.

Fed up of Scalpers? But still want your Exclusives? Why not join us?

Pfizer vaccine administered 13:40pm 18 Feb 21. Still no second head. Second jab 13:35pm 6 May 2021. At the Masonic Hall. 
   
Made in gb
Longtime Dakkanaut



London

Saw a pirate the other day with a ships steering wheel stuffed down the front of his trousers. Asked him 'do you know you have a wheel down the front of your trousers?' He said 'Arrr, its driving me nuts'
   
Made in gb
[DCM]
Focused Fire Warrior






What's a pirates favourite letter?

P because it's an Arrr without a leg...

My hobby ADHD, mostly Necromunda, now turning into regular 40k
Models painted in June: 7
2022 total: 91 
   
Made in gb
[DCM]
Storm Trooper with Maglight






 Ensis Ferrae wrote:
Ohh, saw this one on the ol' FB. . . .

A priest, a minister, and a rabbit walk into a bar. the rabbit says, "I think I'm a typo".


Nice, but the version I heard was

A priest, a rabbit and an imam walk into a blood bank and the rabbit says 'I think i'm a type 0'

My painting and modeling blog:

PaddyMick's Chopshop: Converted 40K Vehicles 
   
Made in gb
Veteran Inquisitorial Tyranid Xenokiller





Watch Fortress Excalibris

What do Las Vegas and Glasgow have in common?

They're the only two places on Earth where you can pay a prostitute with chips.

A little bit of righteous anger now and then is good, actually. Don't trust a person who never gets angry. 
   
Made in gb
Leader of the Sept







xerxeskingofking wrote:
"whats a pirates favourite letter?"

"R!"

"nay, 'tis the C they love!"

must be said with a strong west country/"pirate" accent


I wish I could quote this infinitely for all the truth

Awesome joke

Please excuse any spelling errors. I use a tablet frequently and software keyboards are a pain!

Terranwing - w3;d1;l1
51st Dunedinw2;d0;l0
Cadre Coronal Afterglow w1;d0;l0 
   
Made in si
Ravenous Beast Form







I've never met a single person who was happily married.

Posters on ignore list: 34

40k Potica Edition - 40k patch with reactions, suppression and all that good stuff. Feedback thread here.

Gangs of Nu Ork - Necromunda / Gorkamorka expansion supporting all faction. Feedback thread here
   
Made in no
Longtime Dakkanaut






What do whales eat for dinner?

Fish and ships.

darkswordminiatures.com
gamersgrass.com
Collects: Wild West Exodus, SW Armada/Legion. Adeptus Titanicus, Dust1947. 
   
Made in gb
Ridin' on a Snotling Pump Wagon






 Duskweaver wrote:
What do Las Vegas and Glasgow have in common?

They're the only two places on Earth where you can pay a prostitute with chips.


I went to Glasgow for a laugh and came back in stitches.

And everyone knows the only good thing to have come out of Glasgow is the road to Edinburgh.

Fed up of Scalpers? But still want your Exclusives? Why not join us?

Pfizer vaccine administered 13:40pm 18 Feb 21. Still no second head. Second jab 13:35pm 6 May 2021. At the Masonic Hall. 
   
Made in gb
Tzeentch Veteran Marine with Psychic Potential




dorset

 Flinty wrote:
xerxeskingofking wrote:
"whats a pirates favourite letter?"

"R!"

"nay, 'tis the C they love!"

must be said with a strong west country/"pirate" accent


I wish I could quote this infinitely for all the truth

Awesome joke


why, thank you. its a great one to pull on people who know the classic version of the joke.

my follow up joke, not at all related.


three men walk into a bar. the forth man, now forewarned, managed to duck.


Then it's Tommy this, an' Tommy that, an` Tommy, 'ow's yer soul? "
But it's " Thin red line of 'eroes " when the drums begin to roll
The drums begin to roll, my boys, the drums begin to roll,
O it's " Thin red line of 'eroes, " when the drums begin to roll.
"Tommy", Rudyard Kipling
Exporitor force kappa-Tercia 500pts Coven of XVth 1000pts
Western Host 1500 pts Watch Company Rho 1000pts
 
   
Made in us
Grim Dark Angels Interrogator-Chaplain






A Protoss colony world

Where do boats go when they're sick?
To the dock.

Why can't a leopard hide?
He's always spotted.

I'm on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it.

I was going to tell a time-traveling joke, but you didn't like it.

My armies (re-counted and updated on 4/26/22, including modeled wargear options):
Dark Angels: ~18000 | Space Marines (Blood Ravens and others): ~900 | Space Wolves: ~5000
Astra Militarum: ~800 | Adeptus Custodes: ~1100 | Imperial Knights: ~1300 | Sisters of Battle: ~4300
Check out my P&M Blogs: ZergSmasher's P&M Blog | Imperial Knights blog | Total models painted in 2021: 114 | Total models painted in 2022: 18 | Current main painting project: Imperial Knights
 Mr_Rose wrote:
Who doesn’t love crazy mutant squawk-puppies? Eh? Nobody, that’s who.
 
   
Made in gb
Aspirant Tech-Adept





Northumberland

 Mad Doc Grotsnik wrote:
Doctor, Doctor. I can’t feel my legs.

That’s because we amputated your arms.


I properly laughed there, I love jokes like that.


I recently saw a documentary on how ships are put together. Riveting!

One and a half feet in the hobby


My Adeptus Mechanicus Painting Log:
# The Explorator Fleet of Labrunnia IX #

 
   
Made in gb
Longtime Dakkanaut




I was wondering why the ball was getting bigger. Then suddenly it hit me.

Then there was the time I stayed up all night wondering where the sun had gone to. It finally dawned on me.

Guy walks into a bar. He says 'ouch'.

Nother guy walks into a bar with some tarmac under his arm. One for me, one for the road.

I love bad jokes. That said I draw the line at anything involving the American civil warm I general Lee don't find them funny.

greatest band in the universe: machine supremacy

"Punch your fist in the air and hold your Gameboy aloft like the warrior you are" 
   
Made in gb
Ridin' on a Snotling Pump Wagon






Tourist walks into an Edinburgh Bakery. He asks the shop hand

“Is that a doughnut or a meringue?”

“No you’re right, it’s a doughnut”

Fed up of Scalpers? But still want your Exclusives? Why not join us?

Pfizer vaccine administered 13:40pm 18 Feb 21. Still no second head. Second jab 13:35pm 6 May 2021. At the Masonic Hall. 
   
Made in gb
[DCM]
Storm Trooper with Maglight






Deadnight wins /lock thread

Okay don't do that here's another, made up on the spot and hilariously bleedin edge current meta affairs:

The new Tau Codex is so cheesy, the alleged typo in the sub-title 'For the Grater Good' was not a mistake.

My painting and modeling blog:

PaddyMick's Chopshop: Converted 40K Vehicles 
   
Made in gb
Longtime Dakkanaut




 Mad Doc Grotsnik wrote:
Tourist walks into an Edinburgh Bakery. He asks the shop hand

“Is that a doughnut or a meringue?”

“No you’re right, it’s a doughnut”


Hehe

^in Scottish slang/accent^

What's the difference between Bing Crosby and Walt Disney?

Bing sings.

Walt disnae.

greatest band in the universe: machine supremacy

"Punch your fist in the air and hold your Gameboy aloft like the warrior you are" 
   
Made in us
Ultramarine Master with Gauntlets of Macragge





Upstate, New York

What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo?

One’s a big animal, the other is a little lighter.

   
Made in us
Ork Boy Hangin' off a Trukk





 PaddyMick wrote:
Deadnight wins /lock thread

Okay don't do that here's another, made up on the spot and hilariously bleedin edge current meta affairs:

The new Tau Codex is so cheesy, the alleged typo in the sub-title 'For the Grater Good' was not a mistake.

The Grater Gouda
   
Made in gb
Aspirant Tech-Adept





Northumberland

"Did you hear about the magician who made a giant sack of nuts appear out of thin air?"

"Sounds like a load of bollocks!"

"No, I think it was walnuts".

One and a half feet in the hobby


My Adeptus Mechanicus Painting Log:
# The Explorator Fleet of Labrunnia IX #

 
   
Made in gb
Ridin' on a Snotling Pump Wagon






Ork-en Man wrote:
 PaddyMick wrote:
Deadnight wins /lock thread

Okay don't do that here's another, made up on the spot and hilariously bleedin edge current meta affairs:

The new Tau Codex is so cheesy, the alleged typo in the sub-title 'For the Grater Good' was not a mistake.

The Grater Gouda


Monterey’Ka

Fed up of Scalpers? But still want your Exclusives? Why not join us?

Pfizer vaccine administered 13:40pm 18 Feb 21. Still no second head. Second jab 13:35pm 6 May 2021. At the Masonic Hall. 
   
Made in us
Dominating Dominatrix






There are not Grade F Jokes. There are Grade D.

D stands for Dad.


These are my opinions. This is how I feel. Others may feel differently. This needs to be stated for some reason.
 
   
Made in gb
Veteran Inquisitorial Tyranid Xenokiller





Watch Fortress Excalibris

 Mad Doc Grotsnik wrote:
And everyone knows the only good thing to have come out of Glasgow is the road to Edinburgh.

In all seriousness, my two favourite comedians (Frankie Boyle and the Big Yin), my favourite Dr Who (Peter Capaldi), and my mother were all born in Glasgow. But really, the best thing about Glasgow is that after WWIII and the inevitable nuclear armageddon, it will look exactly the same as it does now.

A little bit of righteous anger now and then is good, actually. Don't trust a person who never gets angry. 
   
Made in us
Insect-Infested Nurgle Chaos Lord






I got a birthday card recently and a Yorkshire pudding fell out.
It was from my Aunt Bessie.

I went to a zoo the other day and it only had a small dog.
It was a Shih-tzu.

I went into a pet shop and asked if I could buy a goldfish. The bloke asked if I wanted an aquarium. I said I don’t care what star sign it is.

I went to the local video shop and said could I borrow Batman Forever?
He said, no you have to bring it back tomorrow.

I went in the shop and said can someone sell me a kettle. The bloke said Kenwood. I said where’s he then?

I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener, I said you don’t need a tin opener for a banana he said no this is for fething custard.

I burnt my Hawaiian pizza last night. I must use a lower setting.

A guy walks into a bar and finds a horse serving the drinks. The horse asks what are you staring at? Haven’t you ever seen a horse tending a bar before?
The fella says it’s not that, I just never thought the parrot would’ve sold the place

It turns out if you bang two halves of a horse together it doesn’t make the sound of a coconut

I got into a fight one time with a really big bloke and he said I’m going to mop the floor with your face.
I said you’ll be sorry. He said oh yeah why? I said well you won’t be able to get into the corners very well

My arse was really sore after a curry.
My wife said ring sting.
I said why what will he be able to do?

I said to the doctor people keep taking the mick out of me because I think I’m a cricket ball.
The doctor says how’s that? I said don’t you fething start.

Robin says to Batman the Batmobile won’t start. Batman says well check the battery. Robin says what’s a Terry?

I was in the cemetery and I saw a guy get up from behind a grave stone. Morning I said. No I’m just having a gak mate

What has 4 wheels and flies?
A bin lorry

I bumped into an old mate and asked him what he was up to. He said I prepare meals for homeless, addicts and drunks.
I said is it charity work? He said no It's Wetherspoons.

I’ve been told crocodiles can grow up to 15 feet but I’ve never seen one with more than four.

I just interviewed a bloke for a job. “Can you perform under pressure?” I asked.
No he replied. But I do a great Bohemian Rhapsody.



This message was edited 3 times. Last update was at 2022/02/06 14:02:36



Games Workshop Delenda Est.

If you break apart my or anyone else's posts line by line I will not read them. 
   
Made in us
[DCM]
DCM User





What did the fish say when it swam into a concrete wall?

Dam
   
Made in gb
Ridin' on a Snotling Pump Wagon






Iron Maiden once asked “can I play with Madness?”

Suggs’ Mam said no, as they’d not finished their homework.

Fed up of Scalpers? But still want your Exclusives? Why not join us?

Pfizer vaccine administered 13:40pm 18 Feb 21. Still no second head. Second jab 13:35pm 6 May 2021. At the Masonic Hall. 
   
Made in gb
Executing Exarch





What's ET short for ? Cos he's got little legs...


"AND YET YOU ACT AS IF THERE IS SOME IDEAL ORDER IN THE WORLD, AS IF THERE IS SOME...SOME RIGHTNESS IN THE UNIVERSE BY WHICH IT MAY BE JUDGED." 
   
Made in us
Longtime Dakkanaut





Ellicott City, MD

Did you hear about the time that a ship carrying red paint collided with a ship carrying blue paint? The sailors were marooned!

Did you hear about the fire at the circus? It was intense!

Knock knock
Who’s there?
To
To who?
Actually, it’s to whom


Valete,

JohnS

"You don't believe data - you test data. If I could put my finger on the moment we genuinely <expletive deleted> ourselves, it was the moment we decided that data was something you could use words like believe or disbelieve around"

-Jamie Sanderson 
   
 
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