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Made in gb
Esteemed Veteran Space Marine




Sheppey, England

 Dysartes wrote:
 NinthMusketeer wrote:
 Mad Doc Grotsnik wrote:
Why did the 19 year old Chainsaw Juggler retire?

He’d sawn off both his hands because he was crap at his job.
I saw that punchline coming

Without hands, is it truly a punchline?


I don't know ... I'm stumped.

Click for a Relictors short story: http://www.dakkadakka.com/dakkaforum/posts/list/412814.page

And the sequels HERE and HERE

Final part's up HERE

 
   
Made in us
Grim Dark Angels Interrogator-Chaplain






A Protoss colony world

So, a lady went to a pet shop hoping to buy a new pet bird. She found a parrot in a cage near the back of the store with a price tag of only $50. She thought this seemed pretty low for a parrot, so she asked the shopkeeper about it. He told her that the low price was because it had previously been living in a whorehouse and said a lot of dirty things. The lady just said "Okay, I guess I can teach it to say nice things" and went ahead and bought the bird. She took it home and set up its cage in the living room. The parrot looked around and said, "New house, new madam." A little while later, the lady's two daughters came home from school. They came into the room and the bird said, "New house, new madam, new whores." Later in the evening, the lady's trucker husband came home and entered the room. The bird looked at him and said, "New house, new madam, new whores, same clients. Hi, Joe!"

My armies (re-counted and updated on 4/26/22, including modeled wargear options):
Dark Angels: ~18000 | Space Marines (Blood Ravens and others): ~900 | Space Wolves: ~5000
Astra Militarum: ~800 | Adeptus Custodes: ~1100 | Imperial Knights: ~1300 | Sisters of Battle: ~4300
Check out my P&M Blogs: ZergSmasher's P&M Blog | Imperial Knights blog | Total models painted in 2021: 114 | Total models painted in 2022: 18 | Current main painting project: Imperial Knights
 Mr_Rose wrote:
Who doesn’t love crazy mutant squawk-puppies? Eh? Nobody, that’s who.
 
   
Made in gb
Ridin' on a Snotling Pump Wagon






That was good!

And therefore has no place in this thread!

For. Shame.

Fed up of Scalpers? But still want your Exclusives? Why not join us?

Pfizer vaccine administered 13:40pm 18 Feb 21. Still no second head. Second jab 13:35pm 6 May 2021. At the Masonic Hall. 
   
Made in gb
Tzeentch Veteran Marine with Psychic Potential




dorset

OK, long joke, my personal favourite, and spoilered for length and mild profanity. probably Not a grade F joke, but worth a laugh

Spoiler:


OK, so, its late 1991, end of 1st Gulf War. 500,000 British and American soldiers are sat in camps in Kuwait, victoriously kicking their heels and waiting for the air force to arrange transport home. People are bored, and bored soldiers are dangerous.

On one camp, their are both British and American forces. The Americans a led by a general who is a walking stereotype of a Texan: cowboy hat, spurs on his boots, cigar clamped in his mouth, southern drawl, and a vehement hatred of "those damm limeys" for reasons he cannot properly articulate.

One day, he goes to his British counterpart, a fairly soft spoken and reserved general, and says "You damm limeys are always on about how brave you are! Well, today, imma show you guys some real AMERICAN bravery!" He then turns to the US Marine acting as his bodyguard

"SARGENT!" The American general screams, causing the British general to take a step back, and the Marine snaps to attention.

"SIR,YESSIR!"

"I WANT TO CLIMB THAT RADIO TOWER!" The general says, still at maximum volume, pointing to a nearby tower.

"SIR,YESSIR!"

"THEN JUMP OFF, AND LAND ON YOUR HEAD, UNDERSTAND?!" The American general asks

"SIR,YESSIR!"

"THEN DO IT NOW!" the American general screeches, and with a final "SIR,YESSIR!", the American Marine jogs off, and indeed climbs the tower, gets to the top, and jumps off. The Marine breaks almost every bone in his body, and as he is carried past the two generals in a strecher, tries to salute with his broken arm and manages to wheeze a laboured "sir".

The American general looks at the British general triumphantly, and exclaims "Now, THAT is bravery, general!"

The British general nods in a noncommital way. "yes, indeed....." then he turns to the Royal Marine Commando that was his own bodyguard, and ask in his smooth Etonian accent "Corporal?"

The Royal Marine looks at the general, "Sah?"

"be a jolly good fellow, run up that tower and jump off, will you?" the British General asks.

The Royal Marine looks at the tower,

then at the floor,

then back up at the tower,

then back to the general, and says "Bollocks to that, Sah!"

Without missing a beat, the British general turns back to his American counterpart and says "THAT'S bravery, general"



Then it's Tommy this, an' Tommy that, an` Tommy, 'ow's yer soul? "
But it's " Thin red line of 'eroes " when the drums begin to roll
The drums begin to roll, my boys, the drums begin to roll,
O it's " Thin red line of 'eroes, " when the drums begin to roll.
"Tommy", Rudyard Kipling
Exporitor force kappa-Tercia 500pts Coven of XVth 1000pts
Western Host 1500 pts Watch Company Rho 1000pts
 
   
Made in us
Humming Great Unclean One of Nurgle






 Necroagogo wrote:
 Dysartes wrote:
 NinthMusketeer wrote:
 Mad Doc Grotsnik wrote:
Why did the 19 year old Chainsaw Juggler retire?

He’d sawn off both his hands because he was crap at his job.
I saw that punchline coming

Without hands, is it truly a punchline?


I don't know ... I'm stumped.
Exalts for all!

Road to Renown! It's like classic Path to Glory, but repaired, remastered, expanded! https://www.dakkadakka.com/dakkaforum/posts/list/778170.page

I chose an avatar I feel best represents the quality of my post history.

I try to view Warhammer as more of a toolbox with examples than fully complete games. 
   
Made in gb
Ridin' on a Snotling Pump Wagon






There’s a Dwarf works down the mead hall swears he’s Elvish.

Well he’s a liar, and I’ve not rolled perception for you.

Fed up of Scalpers? But still want your Exclusives? Why not join us?

Pfizer vaccine administered 13:40pm 18 Feb 21. Still no second head. Second jab 13:35pm 6 May 2021. At the Masonic Hall. 
   
Made in fr
Veteran Inquisitorial Tyranid Xenokiller





Watch Fortress Excalibris

Why does Chiron, the half-horse-half-man from Greek mythology famous for his knowledge of medicine, live in Atlanta GA?

Because he is the centaur for disease control.

A little bit of righteous anger now and then is good, actually. Don't trust a person who never gets angry. 
   
Made in us
Veteran Knight Baron in a Crusader





How can you tell when your girlfriend has put on weight? She tries on your wife's clothes and they actually fit.
   
Made in us
[DCM]
DCM User





Whats the difference between a poorly dressed man on a tricycle, and a well dressed man on a bicycle?


Attire
   
Made in gb
Aspirant Tech-Adept





Northumberland

 Duskweaver wrote:
Why does Chiron, the half-horse-half-man from Greek mythology famous for his knowledge of medicine, live in Atlanta GA?

Because he is the centaur for disease control.


that's a good terrible joke.

I find it's terribly easy to chase Will Smith through the snow, you just follow the fresh prints.




One and a half feet in the hobby


My Adeptus Mechanicus Painting Log:
# The Explorator Fleet of Labrunnia IX #

 
   
Made in us
Grim Dark Angels Interrogator-Chaplain






A Protoss colony world

A neutron walks into a bar that is being tended by a proton. The neutron asks, "How much for a drink?" The proton replies, "For you, no charge." The neutron then asks, "Are you sure?" and the proton replies, "I'm positive."

My armies (re-counted and updated on 4/26/22, including modeled wargear options):
Dark Angels: ~18000 | Space Marines (Blood Ravens and others): ~900 | Space Wolves: ~5000
Astra Militarum: ~800 | Adeptus Custodes: ~1100 | Imperial Knights: ~1300 | Sisters of Battle: ~4300
Check out my P&M Blogs: ZergSmasher's P&M Blog | Imperial Knights blog | Total models painted in 2021: 114 | Total models painted in 2022: 18 | Current main painting project: Imperial Knights
 Mr_Rose wrote:
Who doesn’t love crazy mutant squawk-puppies? Eh? Nobody, that’s who.
 
   
Made in us
Ultramarine Master with Gauntlets of Macragge





Upstate, New York

 ZergSmasher wrote:
A neutron walks into a bar that is being tended by a proton. The neutron asks, "How much for a drink?" The proton replies, "For you, no charge." The neutron then asks, "Are you sure?" and the proton replies, "I'm positive."


I’ve heard a similar joke.

One atom says to another “I think I lost an electron”.
“Are you sure?” Replies the other.
“I’m positive”

   
Made in us
Humming Great Unclean One of Nurgle






 Ensis Ferrae wrote:
Whats the difference between a poorly dressed man on a tricycle, and a well dressed man on a bicycle?


Attire

Road to Renown! It's like classic Path to Glory, but repaired, remastered, expanded! https://www.dakkadakka.com/dakkaforum/posts/list/778170.page

I chose an avatar I feel best represents the quality of my post history.

I try to view Warhammer as more of a toolbox with examples than fully complete games. 
   
Made in us
Planespotter






Why did I stop going to my psychic after I banged her?

She never saw me coming.

   
Made in fr
Veteran Inquisitorial Tyranid Xenokiller





Watch Fortress Excalibris

Can anyone explain why eggs always seem to be the most difficult item to find in the supermarket?

I think it's because they're in eggs aisle.

A little bit of righteous anger now and then is good, actually. Don't trust a person who never gets angry. 
   
Made in fr
Veteran Inquisitorial Tyranid Xenokiller





Watch Fortress Excalibris

Anyone else worried about a build-up of hot air in the UK House of Commons now that the ex-tractor-fan has resigned?

A little bit of righteous anger now and then is good, actually. Don't trust a person who never gets angry. 
   
Made in gb
Aspirant Tech-Adept





Northumberland

What do you call a pony with a sore throat?
A little hoarse.


One and a half feet in the hobby


My Adeptus Mechanicus Painting Log:
# The Explorator Fleet of Labrunnia IX #

 
   
Made in gb
Ridin' on a Snotling Pump Wagon






I was in Tesco earlier and noticed they have Batman Shampoo.

Sadly, no sign of Conditioner Gordon.

Fed up of Scalpers? But still want your Exclusives? Why not join us?

Pfizer vaccine administered 13:40pm 18 Feb 21. Still no second head. Second jab 13:35pm 6 May 2021. At the Masonic Hall. 
   
Made in fr
Veteran Inquisitorial Tyranid Xenokiller





Watch Fortress Excalibris

 Mad Doc Grotsnik wrote:
Batman Shampoo.

The instructions just say "And rub in."

A little bit of righteous anger now and then is good, actually. Don't trust a person who never gets angry. 
   
Made in us
Humming Great Unclean One of Nurgle






Where do Chaos Space Marines shop for groceries?

Traitor Joes!

Road to Renown! It's like classic Path to Glory, but repaired, remastered, expanded! https://www.dakkadakka.com/dakkaforum/posts/list/778170.page

I chose an avatar I feel best represents the quality of my post history.

I try to view Warhammer as more of a toolbox with examples than fully complete games. 
   
Made in au
Speed Drybrushing





Newcastle NSW

What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend? Wiped his ass

Not a GW apologist  
   
Made in gb
Aspirant Tech-Adept





Northumberland

Another from Viz Crap Jokes



One and a half feet in the hobby


My Adeptus Mechanicus Painting Log:
# The Explorator Fleet of Labrunnia IX #

 
   
Made in us
Keeper of the Flame





Monticello, IN

I was in line at a hotel with two men in front of me.

Men: We would like a room, please.

Clerk: Two Queens?

Men: No, we're just good friends.

www.classichammer.com

For 4-6th WFB, 2-5th 40k, and similar timeframe gaming

Looking for dice from the new AOS boxed set and Dark Imperium on the cheap. Let me know if you can help.
 CthuluIsSpy wrote:
Its AoS, it doesn't have to make sense.
 
   
Made in gb
Regular Dakkanaut




Was thinking of adding a joke from the late 70's era of misogyny, then thought better of it. damn i wish i wasnt so old


Automatically Appended Next Post:
Was thinking of adding a joke from the late 70's era of misogyny, then thought better of it. damn i wish i wasnt so old

This message was edited 1 time. Last update was at 2022/05/10 17:44:06


 
   
Made in gb
Ridin' on a Snotling Pump Wagon






Thank you for your discretion. I too am of an undisclosed vintage, so would probably have laughed, however guiltily/ironically. But best keep those potential flood gates closed

Fed up of Scalpers? But still want your Exclusives? Why not join us?

Pfizer vaccine administered 13:40pm 18 Feb 21. Still no second head. Second jab 13:35pm 6 May 2021. At the Masonic Hall. 
   
Made in us
Humming Great Unclean One of Nurgle






Yeah I imagine we all have jokes that sure as hell would not be appropriate here.

Road to Renown! It's like classic Path to Glory, but repaired, remastered, expanded! https://www.dakkadakka.com/dakkaforum/posts/list/778170.page

I chose an avatar I feel best represents the quality of my post history.

I try to view Warhammer as more of a toolbox with examples than fully complete games. 
   
Made in ie
Regular Dakkanaut



Dublin, Ireland

A rabbit walks into a pub and says to the barman, 'Can I have a pint of beer, and a Ham and Cheese Toastie?'
The barman is amazed, but gives the rabbit a pint of beer and a ham and cheese toastie.

The rabbit drinks the beer and eats the toastie. He then leaves.

The following night the rabbit returns and again asks for a pint of beer, and a Ham and Cheese Toastie.

The barman, now intrigued by the rabbit and the extra drinkers in the pub, (because word gets round), gives the rabbit the pint and the Toastie. The rabbit consumes them and leaves.

The next night, the pub is packed.

In walks the rabbit and says, 'A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman.'

The crowd is hushed as the barman gives the rabbit his pint and toastie, and then burst into applause as the rabbit wolfs them down.

The next night there is standing room only in the pub.

Coaches have been laid on for the crowds of patrons attending.

The barman is making more money in one week than he did all last year

In walks the rabbit and says, 'A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman.'

The barman says, 'I'm sorry rabbit, old mate, old mucker, but we are right out of them Ham and Cheese Toasties.'

The rabbit looks aghast.

The crowd has quietened to almost a whisper, when the barman clears his throat nervously and says, 'We do have a very nice Cheese and Onion Toastie.

The rabbit looks him in the eye and says, 'Are you sure I will like it.'

The crowd's bated breath is ear shatteringly silent.

The barman, with a roguish smile says, 'Do you think that I would let down one of my best friends. I know you'll love it.'

'Ok,' says the rabbit, 'I'll have a pint of beer and a Cheese and Onion Toastie.'

The pub erupts with glee as the rabbit quaffs the beer and guzzles the toastie.

He then waves to the crowd and leaves....

NEVER TO RETURN!!!!!!

One year later, in the now impoverished public house, the barman, (who has only served 4 drinks tonight, 3 of which were his), calls time.

When he is cleaning down the now empty bar, he sees a small white form, floating above the bar.

The barman says, 'Who are you?

To which he is answered, 'I am the ghost of the rabbit that used to frequent your public house.'

The barman says, 'I remember you. You made me famous.

You would come in every night and have a pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie. Masses came to see you and this place was famous.'

The rabbit says, 'Yes I know.'

The barman said, 'I remember, on your last night we didn't have any Ham and Cheese Toasties. You had a Cheese and Onion one instead.'

The rabbit said, 'Yes, you promised me that I would love it.'

The barman said, 'You never came back, what happened?'

'I DIED', said the rabbit.

'NO!' said the barman. 'What from?'

After a short pause, the rabbit said ...

'Mixin-me-toasties'
   
Made in gb
Ridin' on a Snotling Pump Wagon






A classic!


Automatically Appended Next Post:
There was once a very posh seafood restaurant. You know the type: where you select your own dinner fresh out of the tank. Dinner jackets a must, no trainers… that sort of place. Anyway, the head waiter was a man called Gervais and he was very good at his job, helping customers get over the faint ickiness of picking which innocent creature was to be taken to the slaughter. He could blank out the horror of it all, you see.

So one day, they have squid as the daily special and a couple comes to the restaurant to celebrate their anniversary. They decide to go for the squid option and Gervais takes them over the tank to select their squid. The couple check out the contents of the squid tank and right at the back, they see a faintly green coloured little squid. It’s very shy, hiding behind its little squid house, but when the light falls on it right, it has a little black marking across the top of its beak, making it look like it has a little moustache.

It’s adorable. Just… adorable. And Gervais does something he’s never done before. His heart softens towards the little creature. He hopes the couple don’t pick it.

Which of course they do.

So after a few attempts at catching the little squid, Gervais realises that he can’t. He just can’t. It’s too cute. But the couple are insistent and start to get annoyed that they aren’t getting what they want (I told you it was that sort of place). In despair, Gervais rushes into the kitchen to find his friend Hans, whose primary job is washing the pots. He begs and pleads with the other man to come out and help him and Hans, who is a big, strong sort of chap, agrees. He comes out to the restaurant, squid-catching net at hand only to be thwarted by taking one look at the little chap in the tank.

And it goes to show that Hans that does dishes can be soft as Gervais with a mild green hairy lip squid.

This message was edited 1 time. Last update was at 2022/05/11 07:25:47


Fed up of Scalpers? But still want your Exclusives? Why not join us?

Pfizer vaccine administered 13:40pm 18 Feb 21. Still no second head. Second jab 13:35pm 6 May 2021. At the Masonic Hall. 
   
Made in gb
Longtime Dakkanaut




Guy goes into a pub and meets his mate.

Mate says to him - 'want to see something cool'. He agrees and the mate takes out a box, removes a small piano and from his pocket takes out a tiny man who sits at the small piano and plays music.

My guy is gobsmacked and the mate explains: 'I got a magic lamp- want to try'?

My guy agrees, takes the lamp, rubs it and a genie appears and offers him a wish. A bit in shock he says - 'I'd like a million bucks!'

Genie says 'done!' clicks his fingers and disappears in a poof of smoke and with that, a horde of ducks walk into the bar.

'What the hell is this?!' exclaims my guy. Mate turns to him smiling - 'yeah I forgot to tell you- the genie is old and deaf. Do you think I really asked for a nine inch pianist?'

:p

greatest band in the universe: machine supremacy

"Punch your fist in the air and hold your Gameboy aloft like the warrior you are" 
   
Made in gb
Frenzied Berserker Terminator




Southampton, UK

 Mad Doc Grotsnik wrote:


And it goes to show that Hans that does dishes can be soft as Gervais with a mild green hairy lip squid.


For all you foreign dakkanauts - for years, the tag line of Fairy washing-up liquid adverts was "hands that do dishes can be soft as your face, with mild green Fairy liquid"

It's burned into the memories of Brits of a certain age...
   
 
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